Calming Upset Kids & Dealing with Defiance

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[22] So what do you do with a really intense kid when they're really upset?

[23] I'm going to give you a quick tip here, something I want you to try this week.

[24] I want you to acknowledge their frustration, them being overwhelmed with some intensity.

[25] And here's a great phrase.

[26] Just use this phrase.

[27] You know what?

[28] If I were you, I'd be really frustrated too.

[29] Or if I were you, I'd be upset too.

[30] Or I'd be angry.

[31] There's something about acknowledging it with some intensity.

[32] Doesn't mean you have to agree with it.

[33] It doesn't mean that it gives them license to throw things, call you names, punch a hole in the wall, but acknowledge with some intensity.

[34] because I can guarantee you that what you often want when you're upset is for your spouse to look at you and say, you know what?

[35] I'd be frustrated too.

[36] And I made a joke at a live event last week.

[37] And I said, look, that acknowledgement, that's all speaking to the men, it's what your wife is looking for.

[38] Instead of like, oh, honey, there's no need to be upset.

[39] You're just overreacting.

[40] And then I went a step further and said, if you wonder why your wife won't go to bed with you, it's because you dismiss her legitimate concerns, you dismiss her emotions because you think you need to fix it and you don't, man, you don't have to fix it.

[41] You just have to acknowledge that what she's feeling is real to her.

[42] That's all.

[43] And then I said the other reason she won't go to bed with you is because she has to manage your emotions every night because she's too busy managing her child's emotions and then your emotions because you escalate everything, and yes, she's too soft, she coddles the kids, of course.

[44] But if you spent that much time with all the strong -wheel kids, you would as well, and she needs some support.

[45] This is very practical stuff we're talking about, and I know that makes many of you uncomfortable, but this is real life, and relationships are serious.

[46] I wish we took our relationships with our spouse and with our kids as seriously as we take our politics, because people get angry about that.

[47] you'll spend hours and hours on forms and getting upset and doing all of these things.

[48] And that's fine, rightly so.

[49] But why don't we put the same amount of energy into fixing our relationships?

[50] Not just changing a child's behavior, but changing our very relationships.

[51] Because that's what's going to change your home.

[52] That's what'll change your community when we've got relationships changed.

[53] And that changes behavior too.

[54] So that's a nice beginning to the Calm Parenting podcast, isn't it?

[55] I didn't plan on saying that.

[56] But that's why you're here, and that's what we do.

[57] And my name's Kirk Martin.

[58] I'm founder of Celebrate Calm .com.

[59] You can find CelebrateCalm .com.

[60] If you need anything, reach out to our son Casey.

[61] He is a strong -willed one.

[62] His name's Casey.

[63] It's Casey, C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com.

[64] If you need anything, email him.

[65] Let them know.

[66] Tell us about your family.

[67] We'll give you some ideas.

[68] We'll kick things around.

[69] If you need any of our resources, we have huge sales right now.

[70] We have something called the At Your Wits -N Sale.

[71] because you're probably listening because you're at your wit's end.

[72] And we want you to have practical tools that actually work in your home.

[73] So we put it on sale and we can give you the right resources for your kids ages and within your budget.

[74] But you have to reach out.

[75] So today, here's what we're going to talk about.

[76] So I get this email.

[77] This is a few months into making this story.

[78] But I'll summarize it this way.

[79] So some parents had signed up for our stuff, school boot camp, some other stuff.

[80] And so I told them, it was like, hey, I've got a hunch.

[81] Tell your son, ask him, if he wants to do homework, sitting in the car.

[82] Because it's weird, and weird stuff works with many of your kids.

[83] So something interesting happened.

[84] He went out to do homework in the car.

[85] It takes him several hours.

[86] He comes an hours later, and his parents are like, well, how did that go?

[87] Did you get your work done?

[88] He goes, yeah, I got my homework done, but I discovered something else.

[89] I want you guys, this is a 10 -year -old kid.

[90] I want you guys to stop lecturing me. and I want you to get off my back and they're like taking a back like well this is that's pretty defiant and rude but he kept going he said I want you to do that but here's what I learned I need to learn how to control myself because this kid told me that if I learn how to control myself my emotions and my impulses you won't have to control me and I don't want to be controlled and they're like wait was that in your homework and he said no you guys are had some CDs out there in the car and they looked interesting and I was curious and I needed a break from my boring schoolwork so I started listening but I got kind of hooked on it because what I heard was this guy was like talking about me it's like he knows me but he was also describing you guys and you guys lecture too much and you're on me all the time and it's all your own anxiety mom and dad and I want you to know I'm going to be okay in life I just need you to relax a little bit And he said, but there's also one, the straight talk for kids CD that this guy's son did.

[91] And I listened to it and I realized, I am partially to blame for it because I'm always getting upset and I need to learn how to control myself.

[92] And so they were kind of taken aback like, what kind of kid comes in bossing his parents around, but then also takes responsibility for himself?

[93] And my answer to them was, a strong will kid.

[94] It's what they do.

[95] And that's why I've said for years, I want your kids listening to our CDs, to the downloads.

[96] Download it right on their phone because they will get this stuff way more quickly than you do.

[97] And it cuts right to their heart and they feel understood.

[98] And it is why, look, I know people get tired of this.

[99] But look, there's a reason we have the CDs because it works.

[100] We've done this for 20 years.

[101] And what I know is when people go through them methodically, We give you so much content, so many practical strategies.

[102] It will change your child.

[103] It will change you.

[104] It will change your home.

[105] So it's worth it.

[106] So we've got it on sale.

[107] Take advantage of it.

[108] Reach out to Casey.

[109] But anyway, that's not the point of this.

[110] The point is that this is who your kids are.

[111] And so it got me thinking because we get emails every day that reflect the frustration that you as parents have in raising strong -gold kids.

[112] Right?

[113] The fears you have about their future, the anxiety, the frustration, the anger at times over the defiance, over them just making everything difficult.

[114] It's real.

[115] It's legitimate.

[116] No doubt about these kids are a puzzle and they're really frustrating.

[117] And so usually the email sounds something like this.

[118] Hey, Kirk, I'm at my wit's end with his strong will child.

[119] It's like you've got a camera in our house.

[120] He argues over everything.

[121] He makes every request so difficult.

[122] Right?

[123] gets upset he melts down he won't push through when school's hard he gets really upset when we ask him to get off screens it's like world war three right he's got to do everything on his own terms she fights constantly with her siblings and we try so hard to get our kids to just love each other right and someone will even say i don't understand why god gave us such a challenging child it's exhausting we don't even know what to do how can i get this child to listen to me help right that's very very common.

[124] So part of the reason I say that is because I want you to know you're not alone.

[125] And this is very normal way that happens.

[126] And I don't like doing fear stuff, right?

[127] Of like, well, if you don't change, bad things are going to happen with your kids.

[128] And so I don't usually go there.

[129] And I'm not going to go there right now, except to allude to the fact that if you don't change these things and you don't change the relationship, it's not like it just goes away.

[130] That's what thought as a guy, I was like, well, I'm decent dad.

[131] It'll, it'll turn out okay.

[132] It doesn't turn out okay.

[133] It doesn't.

[134] You can't ignore this stuff.

[135] So I began thinking, well, what's the flip side of this?

[136] What would your kids say if they could write in to us?

[137] And I thought, it might sound a little like this.

[138] And there's no blame and no guilt.

[139] Okay, I don't do blame or guilt.

[140] So don't go there.

[141] It's just an interesting thought experiment to see if we can get some insight.

[142] And so kind of like that that 10 -year -old who had that talk with his parents, it may sound like this.

[143] Hey, Kirk and Casey, I'm at my wits end.

[144] I just don't know why God gave me parents like this.

[145] They expect me to be able to calm down and control myself, but they're grown -ups, and they can't even control themselves.

[146] They never stop talking and lecturing.

[147] They're always pointing out what I'm doing wrong, and they misjudge my motives, and it's like they see the worst in me. And they keep trying to fix everything.

[148] like I'm dumb or I'm incapable.

[149] It's like they don't believe in me because they're always on me. Like I can't do it.

[150] And instead of affirming what I do right, they keep focusing on everything I do wrong.

[151] And it just makes me want to give up because I know I can never please them.

[152] And I've tried to tell them that lecturing and yelling doesn't work with me. Right?

[153] But it's like they have to do everything on their own terms.

[154] Can you kind of hear how they could flip that around?

[155] They're controlling.

[156] They have so much anxiety.

[157] over my future.

[158] My dad gets upset and he shakes his head in disdain.

[159] Does he realize how humiliating and how angry that makes me feel like I can never please him?

[160] I love my dad.

[161] I want his approval, but it seems like nothing is ever good enough.

[162] And I'm also concerned because my mom and dad don't get along that well.

[163] I can read between the lines.

[164] I know they disagree over how to discipline me. My dad says my mom lets me get away with things, but I know she kind of likes it when he's away because he blows up too much and gets really angry.

[165] Sometimes they fight, but usually they just don't even talk to each other.

[166] It's like they're growing apart.

[167] And if my own parents can't get along as adults, what hope do I have?

[168] And if they can't even get along in their adults, how can I get along with my siblings?

[169] And I don't know what to do.

[170] I've tried everything.

[171] I've tried yelling at them.

[172] I know that's not right and I shouldn't do it.

[173] And I've shut down, but it's like nothing gets through to them.

[174] And I learned how to yell from them.

[175] I kind of learned how to withdraw from my dad?

[176] So how do I get them to listen to your podcast?

[177] How do I get them to actually change?

[178] So they finally understand me and so they finally listen to me. Right?

[179] If you can hear that with honest ears, and I'm going to send that out in our free newsletter, so you can kind of read that.

[180] And you can really break that down because there's some good insight there.

[181] Right?

[182] We're asking our kids to do things that we aren't even capable or willing to do.

[183] And that's fundamentally, that fundamentally will not work in your home.

[184] Kids are very bright and they put this stuff together.

[185] And there's no blame and there's no guilt in here.

[186] I'm keeping this short on purpose because I really want us to focus on changing ourselves and changing this dynamic.

[187] So just like that kid strode into his room said, well, I want you guys to stop yelling and lecturing at me. but then he took control and said, hey, but I need to learn how to control myself.

[188] I want you to take that pledge with your kids that you're going to change.

[189] And I want you to begin doing this and working on it.

[190] And many parents are like, well, what if we admit that we yell and, you know, and we show them that we're working on this?

[191] Aren't they going to, like, isn't that going to hurt our authority?

[192] And I'm like, no, that builds it because your kids, look, one of the reasons Casey respects me and the reasons he changed is because he saw me literally change right in front of him.

[193] He saw me wrestle with this stuff to start to yell, but then to stop.

[194] He saw me doing this stuff and shaking my head at him, but then apologizing for being demeaning.

[195] And he watched me wrestle and changed and watched just change our marriage, and he watched all of this happen right in front of his eyes.

[196] Do you not know that is the greatest lecture you can give your child is changing.

[197] And so let's focus like a laser on that.

[198] Let's change ourselves and remember the first thing I gave you was that tip on acknowledging with intensity that's changed us if we can help you right reach out to us we have we're calling it the at your wits end sale because that's where you are and we want to help and we know with COVID people are struggling email us we will help you but go on the website you will see the get everything package we made it the cheapest we have ever done and we're giving a little bonus Casey recorded a 30 minute video directly to kids about how to control themselves, how to deal with siblings, right, how to deal with impulse control, all of those things.

[199] It's very, very powerful.

[200] And we're going to include that as another bonus.

[201] Because with the get everything, you also get, we're giving an ADHD program.

[202] We're giving the calm couples marriage program.

[203] And even if you're not married and you're single, go through it because you learn relationship skills.

[204] So the next relationship is much better.

[205] and we're going to give Casey's video with us free as well because we want you guys to change your home.

[206] So if you need help, reach out to Casey, C -A -S -E -Y, Celebrate Calm .com.

[207] He will help you out with that.

[208] Go to our website, Celebrate Calm.

[209] Everything's there.

[210] If you don't want to get everything, emails, we can put together a package for you.

[211] But let me end with this.

[212] I believe that is within your control right now to control yourself, to change yourself.

[213] And the quickest way to change your child's behavior is to first control your own, and if you will focus on that, let's do it for 30 days.

[214] Take a pledge with me through November.

[215] Let's do this.

[216] Whatever, take 60 days.

[217] By the end of this year, let's start the new year where we're a new family.

[218] We can do this, and I will walk you through it.

[219] So just let us know how we can help you, okay?

[220] Thanks for listening.

[221] Share this, and we'll talk to you soon.

[222] Love you.

[223] Bye -bye.