Ron Funches

[0] Hi, my name is Ron Funches And I feel grateful and excited about being Conan O 'Brien's friend I've always wanted to be I think about brand of shoes Walking Loose Climb the fence Books and Pants I can tell that we are going to be friends Yes I can tell that we are going to be friends Hey there, welcome to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend This is the show where I use basically a podcast to meet people, see if they'll be my friend, or talk to friends and wonder why we're not better friends.

[1] It's a scam, really, but one that seems to be working.

[2] I'm here with my trusty assistant Sonam of Sassian.

[3] Hey, Sona.

[4] Hi.

[5] You think I'm a pretty cool guy, right?

[6] And my producer, Matt Gourley.

[7] Hi.

[8] Thank you, Matt.

[9] You were the glue that holds this thing together.

[10] I'm trying.

[11] Yeah, you really are.

[12] You were the gum.

[13] You're the fleshy red gums that hold the teeth in alignment.

[14] You're covered in saliva, and you're prone to disease.

[15] Anyway, today's guest is a hilarious comedian and also a terrific, terrific human being.

[16] I just toured with him.

[17] His name is Ron Funches.

[18] My podcast is just at my house and my mom brings you coffee.

[19] Will you do it?

[20] I will do it.

[21] Nice.

[22] You know, I want to point out to people that I've been touring with you and I just spent, I don't know, almost a week with you and got to know you really well.

[23] I've always known you.

[24] I always loved your comedy.

[25] I love you as a comic and I love your voice, both your actual voice and your view of the world.

[26] You do this thing as a comedian that is so rare.

[27] You almost start your act by saying, I like to talk about things that make me happy.

[28] I like to talk about positive things.

[29] And so many comics come out and they have an axe to grind or they're talking about what's wrong with the world.

[30] And you just talk about things that make you happy.

[31] And it's hilarious.

[32] It's really funny, but it's a completely unique approach.

[33] It's just what I like to do, especially when I realized the job was saying the same jokes over and over and over again.

[34] I was like, I don't want to go out there and be angry every night and manufacture some anger.

[35] or and I don't that doesn't mean I like try to shy away from negative aspects of my life is just in general my my viewpoint and the perspective I have I try to keep is what is the positive of the situation I tried to write my jokes about that and one of my favorite jokes when I was first starting out was just this joke I wrote about the time where I was crossing a street from my apartment to a convenience store and I was stuck in the middle of this intersection and this guy just yelled at me and was like use the crossword crosswalk inward and use the crosswalk nward wow yeah and um and so to me you know you're like oh there's nothing negative nothing positive about that but i took a joke about that and i was like oh he's just worried about my safety and he's just would really prefer he doesn't want to hit me he's racist yeah but he is concerned for your safety yes so okay so there's something positive there he's a safety conscious racist Yes.

[36] I see you really did find the silver lining in that one.

[37] You know, it's funny too because you come out as a, as a, when you hit the stage as a comic, it's so interesting because the things you're talking about are things that you wouldn't guess at all from looking at you.

[38] Like you say, I love professional wrestling.

[39] I didn't know that.

[40] It's not something I would have assumed that you loved, that you love professional wrestling.

[41] and you delight in professional wrestling.

[42] I think you really believe it's the greatest form of entertainment.

[43] It is.

[44] In the history of the world.

[45] Yes.

[46] It's the best.

[47] And it's the most open as far as like, look, we're fake.

[48] You know, we're not real.

[49] We're a fake fight.

[50] And overall, we're all just working together to entertain people and we're not trying to hurt each other.

[51] To me, that makes way more sense than something like UFC or boxing where you're like, we're legitimately trying to hurt each other.

[52] And then that's why these people end up.

[53] doing five or six fights and then they have to retire.

[54] And it's just like, why don't you just do 30 years of fake fights and you make more money?

[55] It makes sense to me. Yeah.

[56] More entertaining to me. I don't want to, you getting hurt is not entertaining to me. Right.

[57] It's like the show is entertaining to me. Right.

[58] You know, so that's how I look at it.

[59] You also, you idolize Dwayne the Rock Johnson.

[60] Yeah.

[61] But, I mean, a lot of people do, but you have, he's like a godlike figure to you.

[62] Yeah.

[63] Yeah, just because he did so many great things in wrestling.

[64] He's the best wrestler ever because he became extremely popular at wrestling.

[65] And then he left and did movies and then was great at that.

[66] And it never had to come back.

[67] He still wrestles when he wants to, but he doesn't have to go back.

[68] He doesn't need the money.

[69] And he took his, a lot of wrestlers, you know, they get a lot of fame, but they don't know how to handle their money and they never transition into something else.

[70] And he was one of the first people that was like, I'm going to take these same skills that make me great in wrestling and I'm going to apply those to acting and I'm going to do roles that people don't expect me to do.

[71] I'm not just going to do action movies.

[72] I'm going to do all types of movies.

[73] He was a tooth fairy.

[74] He was a tooth fairy.

[75] But he did a lot of things.

[76] He was in, I think, Get Shorty.

[77] He had a really small cameo role, but was really good.

[78] We played a really against type.

[79] And I was just, that's when I was like, oh, he is taking this serious.

[80] Do you like him in the Fast and Furious movies?

[81] I do.

[82] Well, I learn to like them now because my son loves them so much.

[83] Well, you know what I realize is the secret to those movies, especially as they progress.

[84] Once you get to four, five, six, seven, I think they're on 55 now.

[85] The thing I learn about those movies is watch them as comedies.

[86] And they are absolutely fucking laugh out loud, hilarious.

[87] And there's a scene in particular that I was watching at, I think maybe I was talking to you about this.

[88] there's a scene in, I think it's maybe two fast and furious movies ago, before they battled a submarine with cars.

[89] But there was a scene where the rock and Vin Diesel, and this might be the beginning of where you can tell they don't like each other, but the rock and Vin Diesel have to be saying goodbye to each other at the end of the movie.

[90] And they're chin to chin almost staring at each other, but each looking past each other while they're having a conversation and you need to go and look at that I think it might be it is one of the most amazing they made a choice and I think it was they need their character each character thought they were too cool to look at the other character so they're looking past each other but their faces are almost touching and I've never seen two humans interact like that before it's beautiful I just want to it's not beautiful it's crazy just the behind the scenes on that type of set there's so many egos It was on a Fast and a Furious set, I imagine.

[91] I'd love to see it.

[92] I'd love to see it.

[93] I'm going to say something and you don't think I'm crazy.

[94] Please.

[95] I shot something with The Rock.

[96] I shot a remote with him.

[97] I want to say about nine months ago.

[98] It was during a period when I was working out hard and the Rock showed up.

[99] And I swear to God, I think I could take him in a fight.

[100] And I was looking at him and I was thinking I'm going to go for it.

[101] I think I could take him.

[102] I think, first of all, I would have surprise.

[103] Yeah, you would definitely have a surprise.

[104] No one would see that coming.

[105] No one would see that coming.

[106] And I would go in hard and quick.

[107] Okay.

[108] And I would...

[109] Were you trying to take the leg?

[110] No, no, no. I would go, first of all, I'd go for his face because I'd know that he would be self -conic, because he's a movie star.

[111] Yeah.

[112] He'd be a little panicked and worried about his face.

[113] So I'd go for the face.

[114] And then I would just, I would rip through his chest.

[115] I would just go through him like a wild animal.

[116] I mean, you have that type of look.

[117] I feel like there's a part of you.

[118] that has it raged that you're hiding and are not hiding.

[119] Oh, I am a very angry guy.

[120] I am a very, you know, people that know me know I'm an angry guy and then I'm trying to be nice.

[121] I really am.

[122] It's just I'm trying to be good to people.

[123] I don't think that's true at all.

[124] I don't think that's true at all from the time that we spent together this last week is one the reasons why I felt closer to you was that I was like, I think you have to be nice.

[125] I think sometimes you don't want to be as nice as you are, but you're.

[126] You, you, there's something in you that makes you be nice.

[127] And I have that in me as well.

[128] But I just see the way that you interact with fans after the show.

[129] And when you interact with comedians after the show and there's just, or the fact that we were laying on the flight and then you brought me a pillow.

[130] Like, or you moved the little, no, you didn't brandy brought me a pillow.

[131] But you moved the little snacks that were blocking my feet so that I could rest a little bit.

[132] Yeah, I saw you.

[133] This is just a nice guy.

[134] Oh, I am.

[135] I am a nice person.

[136] I'm being 100 % honest right now.

[137] I am a nice person.

[138] And I credit a lot of that to my mom and also probably somewhat to Catholicism, but she drilled, you know, she drilled into us, be nice.

[139] And I want to make people happy.

[140] But sometimes if I think people are taking advantage of a situation or if someone really screws me over or screws over someone I care about, I am capable of immense hatred.

[141] Yeah.

[142] And a hatred that lasts a lifetime.

[143] That's two sides of a coin, though, right?

[144] It's like if you're able to be so nice and be so giving, there's always going to be that other side of you.

[145] I have that with me where, because people are always like, you're so chill and you're so relaxed and you're nice to everybody.

[146] But I was like, yeah, but if you cross a certain line to me, it's just, I don't care.

[147] I'm not like, oh, I wish for your destruction or thing.

[148] It's just the feeling like, oh, you're dead to me. You mean nothing to me. Yeah.

[149] And if I cut you out, I cut you out.

[150] And it's not, I don't know if that's, I think it's a good skill.

[151] It's, it's been useful in the past.

[152] But sometimes I have to learn now.

[153] I think especially with relationships, I learned to not be looking for reasons to cut people out.

[154] We're out there in the, are you in the dating world right now?

[155] You have a steady girlfriend?

[156] I have a steady girlfriend.

[157] She's going to be coming with us on the second part of this trip.

[158] She's excited.

[159] Oh, good.

[160] So I'll get to know her a little bit.

[161] Yeah, yeah.

[162] She loves you a lot.

[163] Should I question her about a lot of things?

[164] Yeah, find out.

[165] about her.

[166] If anything, tempt her to be like, hey, leave Ron and come be with me and my family.

[167] And you want me to do that to test her?

[168] Yeah, I want to test her resolve.

[169] You know, the problem is I'm not the sexiest guy to dangle in front of...

[170] She doesn't care much for that, I found out.

[171] I'm the sexy guy.

[172] Wait, why did you just agree with what I put out there?

[173] Yeah, no, I do agree.

[174] You had such an opportunity, you had such an opportunity to go like, Conan, no, but you just like, no, no, no, no, you said, no, no, no, she doesn't care about that.

[175] You'll be fine.

[176] Well, you are a non, just much similar to myself, you are a non -traditional good -looking man, as in like, if you were to ask people what were the features that most people want in a man, you don't really have them.

[177] You know, it's great.

[178] I could not agree with you more.

[179] But you got a hodgepodge mixed together Where people are just kind of like It's like a Picasso Where you're like It looks It looks what it's supposed to look like So you're thinking God Let's just say that there was a god You know that created me And he just said like It's supposed to look like that Yes And then he moved on to like Ryan Gosling It got right It's more like where he was like, I want to be able to keep an eye on this one, so I'm going to make sure I can see him from far away.

[180] Okay, you're very honest.

[181] That's the other thing I noticed about.

[182] Oh, because of the guitar thing?

[183] Oh, God, that killed me. We were, we were, I'll just tell people that are listening to us on tour just last week with Ron and one of the other comics, James Veach, he got a new guitar.

[184] and he was very excited about it, an acoustic guitar, and he was backstage, and I have an acoustic guitar.

[185] I always have a guitar around, just because it calms me down.

[186] So we tuned up together just to test out his guitar, and we just both started playing something.

[187] We were wandering, the next thing I know we were, I think we were in a dressing room, and you were in there, and you were suddenly confronted by these two incredibly pale white guys with acoustic guitars, singing folksy music.

[188] Not my first time?

[189] No. I immediately, to my credit, saw the look on your face and knew, oh, we got to get the fuck out of here.

[190] So I left.

[191] I think James stuck around a little bit.

[192] But you then proceeded to go out on stage and talk about it to the audience.

[193] And it was hilarious.

[194] I thought it was really funny.

[195] It was really fun.

[196] I mean, it was just, and it was a fun experience because it was just me and Taylor Tomlinson backstage before you got back there and James was just there.

[197] with his new guitar and he was tuning it up and he was asking requests and Taylor was trying to be sweet.

[198] And so she was just like, oh, I can't think.

[199] She also was not having fun.

[200] And so she was just trying to be sweet and she was like, I can't think of anything.

[201] He was like, Ron, you got any requests?

[202] I just go, you're good at this?

[203] But to be honest, this just makes me uncomfortable.

[204] Yeah, I would do, I remember when our head writer Mike said, Sweeney, who you know, Mike, Mike Sweeney, years ago on the late night show, it was his first day at work, and he was about to leave for the day, and I stepped up to him with an acoustic guitar and started singing in his face.

[205] And he said, he didn't know me well enough to know that I was doing it in a joking way to be annoying.

[206] He was horrified.

[207] Because there is nothing you can do in that situation.

[208] When you're confronted by people playing their instrument, even if they're really good, and if you're a comedian, you can't sit there and go like, yeah, man, that's really good.

[209] Yeah, it's pushed you in a bad position because you, especially if you don't know the person, you can just tune everything out.

[210] But if you know them at all, it becomes like they're your three -year -old and you have to sit there and be like, yeah, yeah, play me. Well, you said a really funny thing on stage.

[211] I don't know if you were, are you comfortable repeating it?

[212] I'm always comfortable.

[213] Tell people what you said.

[214] You went on stage and you described I said that you forced us to listen to you play guitar in the dressing room 30 minutes before the show and that I don't fully understand but now I get the gist of the women who had to deal with Louis C .K. went through because I just have to sit in the corner and be like, well, you are dittling, daint, dittling yourself something serious.

[215] Well, audience really thought that was funny.

[216] I laughed, then went backstage and broke my guitar in half.

[217] You know who really liked it?

[218] Was there all the staff on the plane?

[219] Yeah.

[220] And they're like, good.

[221] Finally.

[222] Let's talk about you, a very inspiring part of your life is that how long ago?

[223] About a year and a half ago, two years ago, you just.

[224] You decided I'm going to lose weight.

[225] Yeah.

[226] So coming up, it'll be almost three years now.

[227] Almost three years now.

[228] It was around Thanksgiving three years ago.

[229] Yeah, when I was at my heaviest, when I was at like 360 pounds.

[230] And, you know, I always been a heavy person and floating around 300.

[231] And then when I got anundatable and got some money, I had a lot more options.

[232] And so I was able to just be like, all right, cheesecake for lunch and cheesecake for, dinner and just ballooned up and put on another 50 pounds and was up to 360 and that's when we talked on the plane about how my mom was just she came to visit me and she was like I don't like buying you clothes this big and and then Bill Lawrence on the show was like hey I noticed you in the gym the first season and then you come back second season and then look like it stuck so if you if you want to if you want more tools about this and you need help um oh it hook you up with my trainer and then Bill paid for the trainer for the first year and just supported me. And it was really cool.

[233] He's a very nice guy.

[234] He's a very nice guy.

[235] I really liked it because, you know, the character on the show was when I got the role was like he's the overweight, like, shy guy.

[236] And he was just like, look, you're funny.

[237] Like, we don't need you to be this guy.

[238] You can just be yourself and be healthy and that would be fine.

[239] And so you lost all this way.

[240] Yeah.

[241] And you said you're still struggling.

[242] I should probably point out to people, you're drinking a glass of gravy.

[243] It's the season.

[244] I just never saw.

[245] I didn't know it came in cans.

[246] That's amazing.

[247] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[248] It was a step above eggnog.

[249] Yeah.

[250] No, because I, you know, I, it's funny because you said that you're still getting used to your new body.

[251] Oh, yeah, because you told me it's set up straight.

[252] Yeah, I'm very, uh, I'm always giving my son telling him, like, come on, your posture.

[253] And I saw you, like, slumped over at one point.

[254] And I just was kidding around.

[255] And I was like, come on, sit up straight, you.

[256] And you said, well, I'm getting used to my new body.

[257] And I thought, oh, shit.

[258] No, I just, because again, I was like, oh, yeah, thank you.

[259] Because it is just the truth.

[260] Like, I mean, it was one of the reasons why I started going to wrestling school for a little bit was so I could throw my body around and figure out where it ends and begins.

[261] And even now, like when I go to workout and I'm doing setups and my trainer goes to pick me up, I like reach back and like, you know, try to brace myself as if I'm heavier.

[262] Like, I can't get up.

[263] And he's like, and he'll stop me. He'll go like, just get up.

[264] You can get up.

[265] You're not that heavy.

[266] Just get up.

[267] And I have to remember that.

[268] And you've found it to be advantageous in your sex life.

[269] Yeah.

[270] Yeah.

[271] I can pick people up.

[272] I can go longer and that's fun.

[273] And, I mean, but it's great.

[274] Pick people up.

[275] I don't pick people up.

[276] Well, I mean.

[277] What are you talking about?

[278] You've got to have stronger arms.

[279] No, it's not because I can't.

[280] I wouldn't know what to do.

[281] What does that mean?

[282] Pick them up.

[283] You'll pick them up and carry them and place them on yourself.

[284] Oh.

[285] Yeah.

[286] I would never occur to me to do that.

[287] Well, I mean, I was feeling adventurous for sure.

[288] It didn't last long and put her down, but she was very excited about the time.

[289] She liked that you could pick her up.

[290] Yeah, she did.

[291] Yeah.

[292] And you said that you're.

[293] having sex standing up.

[294] That's a big thing, too.

[295] That's my me. Picked her up.

[296] Oh, you picked her up and then you're acting out.

[297] Okay, I'm not even sure.

[298] Do you need me to stand?

[299] Can you pick me up and show me exactly?

[300] I would need, for that to happen, I would need a series of pullies.

[301] I didn't think I could do it.

[302] But I need straps.

[303] I was feeling brave.

[304] Yeah.

[305] And it happened.

[306] Wow.

[307] Yeah.

[308] That's like you were in the moment of just raw passion.

[309] Yeah.

[310] power you know such a powerful tool you have is your voice your voice is so disarming you're so likable you're one of the most likable performers that i've uh encountered which is why i was so happy when you agreed to go on that the tour with me did you always like your voice did people no no of course not especially being uh you know a black kid from chicago it was having a sweet little voice wasn't the, you know, wasn't ideal.

[311] It made you a target, if anything.

[312] And a lot of people made a fun of me for, but that's, I mean, that's one of the lessons I learned quickly was things that people make fun of you for and are usually the things that set you apart and the things that you can then use to your advantage later.

[313] You told me this once.

[314] You used to use your voice a lot.

[315] You had a job working for a bank.

[316] And people would only know you through the phone.

[317] Isn't that right?

[318] Yeah.

[319] And you said that your voice deceived people sometimes.

[320] Yeah, sometimes they thought I was a Southern lady and I would just play it out.

[321] You would not disabuse them of that notion.

[322] You would let them believe that you were a Southern lady.

[323] Yeah, they were just, because, you know, I would be like, I'm wrong, but eventually they just hear Ronda.

[324] And they're like, oh, thank you, Rhonda.

[325] You're so nice.

[326] I'm like, oh, no worries, darling.

[327] Yeah.

[328] Yeah.

[329] You were also very, you talked about this on my show, but you were very, you were real human being.

[330] You wanted to be a human being on the other end of the phone when you were representing a bank.

[331] You didn't want to just be a robot who couldn't help people.

[332] No. You wanted to be a human being.

[333] Yeah.

[334] I like to give money back.

[335] I just never really like banks that much.

[336] They seem very predatory from the outside end.

[337] And then when I was working at this bank, I was like, okay, definitely predatory, just from the way they structure the fees and available balance compared to your actual balance.

[338] And it's just, it became hard to, like, listen to people on the phone and just be like, and they were explaining to you.

[339] It's like, look, I overdrew by a dollar and you guys charged me like $150 in fees.

[340] And I'm seeing the math and I'm seeing they're correct.

[341] And I'm supposed to just, you know, lie to them and be like, well, you did this.

[342] And you didn't know about this.

[343] And I eventually, I was just like, no. I'm just giving, it's not my money.

[344] I'm just going to give it back until they fire me. So you kept giving back money when you weren't supposed to.

[345] And making the customer on the phone happy, at what point did the bank find out what you were doing?

[346] About like six months, they usually have like little, they go over your scores and things.

[347] And so what they would find is that I had like the highest survey call scores because people like that I give them money back and that I was a Southern lady.

[348] And then I'd also have the highest amount of money giving back.

[349] So they would try to, you know, they just try to teach me not to do it.

[350] And I'd be like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[351] I'll work at it.

[352] And I just give more, I mean, mostly I just stopped showing up to work.

[353] Because that's when I started doing stand -up, was working at that bank.

[354] Because I was so good at the call part of it, they let me make like a little funny video about helping other people deal with stress at the job.

[355] And they took me off the phone for a couple of weeks.

[356] And I made this fun video that was just really corporatey, but with dumb little corporate jokes.

[357] And then they showed it at the corporate retreat.

[358] And so I got to hear like 400 people just laughing at these dumb jokes.

[359] And then in my head, I'm just like, oh, they're laughing at things I don't think are funny.

[360] What if I did things that I thought were funny?

[361] And so from then on, I was like, okay, I want to do comedy.

[362] And then they were like, go back on the phones.

[363] And I was like, no. I got to go, yeah.

[364] But I had my son, and so I just stopped showing up and kept getting paychecks for a few weeks until they fired me. That's pretty sweet.

[365] Yeah.

[366] So the comedy worked out pretty quickly?

[367] It worked out quicker than most.

[368] I have to always remember that, especially around my friends.

[369] I'd say about six years was when I probably started getting some money because I was right around when I got on your show.

[370] But before then, there was, I mean, there was five years of me raising my son, and he has autism.

[371] And so we had a lot of, like, his, like, Social Security money.

[372] And then I was working a part -time job as a Lady Liberty dancer.

[373] But, like, there was no real money.

[374] We were living, like, you know, under, definitely, like, under 1 ,500 a month for, you know, for a few years.

[375] And so that was, I mean, that's why I spoil him now.

[376] You're a fun dad.

[377] Yeah.

[378] Oh, yeah.

[379] He is.

[380] Any video game he wants he has for multiple systems.

[381] And you bake cookies for him.

[382] Yeah.

[383] I put cooking before my girlfriend started baking cookies for him.

[384] She's trying to earn his trust.

[385] That's sweet.

[386] Yeah.

[387] That's really nice.

[388] And that's also a good test for you.

[389] You wanted me to test this girlfriend, but if she's making cookies for your son, she's already passed that test.

[390] Yeah.

[391] No, I trust her.

[392] I will try to sleep with her.

[393] Please.

[394] She'll get a thrill out of it.

[395] I will say, listen.

[396] I may be an unconventional assembly of odd features.

[397] I may be a Picasso -esque mess, but I am going to bed you.

[398] And there's little, you can't escape the charm of these thin lips.

[399] Beattie eyes, translucent skin.

[400] People like it, though.

[401] Especially, I mean, I see this, when you're on this, suit it up, you're fun, but casual coning it.

[402] It's pretty hot.

[403] I can see what I can see what people want to see.

[404] Carrying that guitar around.

[405] Now it's time for a segment.

[406] Conan O 'Brien pays off the mortgage on his beach house.

[407] Pay them bills, dollar bill, dollar bill.

[408] Oh, my God.

[409] Dollar bill, dollar bill.

[410] That's how, I'm just talking the way the kids talk these days.

[411] And you think I don't get out much.

[412] God.

[413] You are someone who likes to enjoy life.

[414] Mm -hmm.

[415] And for you, that does mean video games.

[416] Mm -hmm.

[417] You love video games.

[418] Oh, yeah.

[419] Yeah?

[420] Absolutely.

[421] You love marijuana?

[422] I do.

[423] I may be the last person alive that calls it marijuana.

[424] I try to balance it out, though.

[425] I don't like to feel a compromise.

[426] as my trainer will say anytime I'm not doing well in my exercises.

[427] I just try to keep a balance but have fun.

[428] Once I realize, again, that my job is to have fun and make people have fun, then I was like, oh, I get to do this.

[429] I get to just smoke pot and play video games because I'm supposed to be having fun.

[430] I'm supposed to be a jester.

[431] And why would I go around acting serious or try to be in, I think it's a trap of when you get a little bit of success is then you're like, oh, now I need to buckle down and be real professional because that's what they want.

[432] And it's just like, no, what you want is what you were in the very beginning.

[433] I've had people tell me that it would be good for me to smoke pot or because I seem tightly wound to them.

[434] And I've had a number of people over the years say it would be good if you took edibles or smoked pot, if you did some of that.

[435] Is that something, Since we are now friends, and the fact that you're on this podcast means that we are friends, you know, this is, you've made it.

[436] Nice.

[437] This is a huge deal for you.

[438] What do you think?

[439] Be honest with me. Do you think I need to be a little medicated that way?

[440] No. I'm always, I'm never a guy who like pushes people in the smoke in a bunch of pot if they don't want to.

[441] It seems like you're too old to start.

[442] Too old.

[443] I am 36 years old.

[444] Although my mom has recently started and she's loving it.

[445] So it could be helpful.

[446] But, you know.

[447] How old is your mom?

[448] My mom is 62.

[449] Okay.

[450] So I'm a good deal younger than your mom.

[451] I didn't want you to put me in the mom category.

[452] Yeah, that's true.

[453] So you think I'm too, let's just kind of.

[454] I think this is your personality.

[455] I think to change that and mellow you out, it would be to dole what makes you you.

[456] Okay.

[457] And if you want to do it just for fun, I would love to smoke pot with you.

[458] That would be a dream come true.

[459] But, and also some fun to videotape.

[460] Should we do it?

[461] Should we do it on the next leg of the tour?

[462] Yeah, for sure.

[463] Do we smoke it or do we eat something?

[464] How does it work?

[465] I don't even know how well.

[466] I'm going to do both, but whatever you decide for yourself.

[467] I don't think starting with edibles is a good idea.

[468] Too strong?

[469] Too strong.

[470] And you don't know what you're doing and getting into.

[471] I'd rather, I would rather set up a fun evening for you where it's like, okay, we'll get your guitar out and we'll get your guitar out.

[472] No, no, no, no. Stop.

[473] The guitar is not part of this equation.

[474] We're not, I'm never, you are never going to see me with a guitar again.

[475] I doubt that.

[476] After you compared me to, well, you know what you did.

[477] I am never doing that again.

[478] It was the same hand motions for sure.

[479] That is not how I masturbate.

[480] Mine is more like playing a cello when I masturbate.

[481] I get that.

[482] But why do you want to?

[483] Do you want to?

[484] I don't know.

[485] I've mixed.

[486] I usually don't want to.

[487] I usually don't want to.

[488] Why?

[489] Because I feel like I overall like who I am.

[490] And if I want to take the edge off, to me, that's two glasses of wine.

[491] Okay.

[492] Yeah.

[493] That's my kind of thing.

[494] Whereas opposed to, I don't know what you call them jazz cigarettes, wacky tobacco, you know, I don't know what you kids call these days.

[495] Devil's lettuce.

[496] I don't know.

[497] I think that's a good fit for me, you know?

[498] And I think you've got to know who you are of all.

[499] I can't drink, you know.

[500] I'm allergic to alcohol.

[501] It makes me a projectile vomit and my throat close up.

[502] Is that true?

[503] Yeah.

[504] So for me, it was just like that's not.

[505] When did you find that out?

[506] I was 18.

[507] Oh, my God.

[508] You took one drink and your throat closed up and you, did you almost die?

[509] I did.

[510] I lay down at a party and I just waited for it to pass.

[511] And then my friends were like, maybe it was what you drank.

[512] So let's try something different.

[513] And then it happened again.

[514] And so I was like, okay, let's just, just isn't for me. And then they said, nope, we've got to go through every type of alcohol.

[515] Well, that's what they were like, yes, because that's how your friends are.

[516] We're not done with you yet.

[517] Yeah, but I was like, and for me, I always had an interest in pot.

[518] I'm like, I talked to my son about it and he has no interest in it.

[519] You know, he has more interest in beer.

[520] And just something he always liked is a, we go to baseball game.

[521] games and he just always hear the guy and he just yell it out.

[522] He's like, ice cold beer.

[523] And so now as he's older, we talk and he's just like, no, he thinks weed is for old people.

[524] And he wants to drink beer when he gets older.

[525] How old is he now?

[526] He's 16.

[527] He's 15.

[528] 15.

[529] Okay.

[530] So he's got to wait a little while.

[531] Unless he were Irish.

[532] He'd have been drinking in utero.

[533] But I'm not like Tommy Chong or anything.

[534] He's like, everybody should smooth weed.

[535] Everybody saw him at a show.

[536] And he's like, everybody in the world should smoke weed.

[537] And I just leaned over and I was like, even babies?

[538] There's a whole school out there, which is like it's natural and it cures all ills.

[539] And the world would be a better place if everyone was high.

[540] And I think, no, it wouldn't.

[541] We'd just be taking longer pauses in our sentences.

[542] Nothing would work.

[543] Very little it would get done.

[544] Yeah.

[545] That's just, to me, that's the same type of mindset where people have on anything where they're like, this one thing, if this was different, the world would be different.

[546] Or if, like, if women ruled the world, everything would be different.

[547] It's just like power corrupts, you know?

[548] So it's not like, oh, if women were on power, everyone would be nicer.

[549] Some things would be nicer, and some women would be assholes.

[550] And just like some guys are nice and some guys when they get power, fucking assholes.

[551] Yeah.

[552] I like that part of your philosophy of life is get pedicures, get manicures.

[553] Yes.

[554] Yes.

[555] You have to take care of yourself.

[556] Yeah.

[557] I get very self -conscious.

[558] I have messed up toes, meaning the toenails grow into the sides and it really hurts.

[559] And I finally had to go and see someone and they said, you've got to get pedicures.

[560] And I'm incredibly uncomfortable having someone.

[561] It feels wrong.

[562] Do you know what I mean?

[563] It feels like, and so I'm constantly trying to make it up to them by asking them all about their life.

[564] Oh, that seems worse.

[565] And then, yeah, I know they just want me to shut the fuck up.

[566] But I want to, you know, I want to become their best friend because I want to compensate for the fact that they're literally kneeling in front of me, caring from my feet.

[567] You like that?

[568] That's what I like.

[569] I'm like, don't look me in the eyes and bring me a drink and just take care of my feet and then I'll pay you a great amount.

[570] It makes me feel like a kid.

[571] Bring you a drink.

[572] Where are you getting your toes done?

[573] They bring you a drink.

[574] What kind of drink?

[575] I bring you whatever you want in my place.

[576] I mean, I just drink like a sparkling water.

[577] but if you want it, like a glass of whiskey or whatever.

[578] You're kidding.

[579] Where is this place?

[580] Well, I have a man girl now named Natasha, and she's private, and that's who I want to promote.

[581] Okay.

[582] Let's get the word on it.

[583] But I love this idea that they bring you a drink.

[584] Yeah.

[585] Does Natasha bring you a drink, or she comes to your house?

[586] Natasha brings me a drink.

[587] She has her own private place.

[588] But I used to look at this place called Hammer and Nels, and they bring you a, it's all for men only, and they would bring you a drink.

[589] Okay, I'm going there.

[590] I want to actually do an ad for them right now.

[591] Hammer and nails?

[592] Yeah, I think they changed their name.

[593] Oh, that didn't work.

[594] No. Some ad that was.

[595] Yeah.

[596] That ad was worth at least $15 ,000.

[597] And it went to a place that's probably closed.

[598] Maybe they just became a bar now, and then they don't even do feet.

[599] Just the drinks now.

[600] You know what?

[601] We're doing really well on the drinks.

[602] Oh, I figured out this.

[603] I know you got to wrap up, but I'm aware.

[604] I didn't want to know if, are you aware that most older black women call you Conan?

[605] Are you aware of that?

[606] Yes, yes.

[607] That's fun.

[608] Yeah.

[609] That's so fun.

[610] I remembered I was walking down the street in New York and a very large black woman was walking the other way towards me. And she saw me and she hit her friend on the arm and she said, that's Conan O 'Ryan from the radio.

[611] And I said she got so many things wrong in such a short sentence.

[612] You know what I mean?

[613] That's Conan O 'Ryan from the radio.

[614] From the radio, Orion, Conan, you mathematically can't be more wrong about me in a sentence.

[615] But you know what I hear a lot?

[616] African Americans are always saying, you're crazy to me. They think I'm crazy.

[617] They laugh, and they, they're happy to see me, but they say, you're crazy.

[618] Yeah, you're this.

[619] But it's like, that's what comedy is supposed to be.

[620] Yeah, I think so.

[621] You're a fool.

[622] You're a fool.

[623] I am a fool.

[624] Yeah.

[625] Oh, you're crazy.

[626] Oh, you can, you know, that guy's crazy.

[627] Yeah.

[628] The high compliment.

[629] That's good.

[630] A high compliment.

[631] That's good.

[632] I didn't, um, mine is usually reversed one time I did this show and, uh, was Washington and was staying with some friends and her, his girlfriend.

[633] came to the show and then we came back to his house and then he he's a very stereotypical more tougher black dude and then he was like oh I heard about your little comedy show thing I hope that's good he just met me for the first time but just talking to me he's like oh it's like you know you seem pretty cool you seem pretty funny and it's like yeah I'm pretty funny he's like I bet black people don't fuck with you though I go you're pretty true and he goes don't worry about it black people don't fuck with most people it's a great insight it was it really helped me that's fantastic um yeah we uh we're we're out of time we got a it's too bad because i could i knew that i could talk to for probably nine hours yeah probably will next week when we're flying around um yeah miss fear come to come to my house come on my podcast and it's called it plug it right now it's called getting better with ron funches we just talk about getting better life, what usually is a lot about career, but sometimes it gets spiritual.

[634] And then sometimes it's just about, like, you know, health, physical change.

[635] I'll do it.

[636] And will your mom be there?

[637] Yeah.

[638] Okay.

[639] I'm in.

[640] I'm going to go, I'm going to do your podcast.

[641] And I'm also going to promote you as a human being.

[642] Ron Funches is one of the funniest comics working.

[643] And he's also a delightful human and it's just an honor to get to hang out with you.

[644] It means a lot to me. It's a literal dream come true that the fact that I'm even here.

[645] So it means a lot to me. And the fact that you like my comedy and you respect my comedy, when I hear compliments like that and the fact that you have had me on your show so much and even when I haven't had things necessarily that were worth promoting on your show, it makes me go, okay, I'm headed in the right direction.

[646] Yes, yes, and I just wanted to trick you into saying nice things about me again to wrap it up, which is exactly what I just did.

[647] All right, Ron Funches.

[648] And now it's time for another installment of Conan O 'Brien pays off the mortgage on his beach house.

[649] Okay, this is interesting on a previous podcast, Sona and I had an impromptu drawing contest.

[650] we each had to draw a dog and it was around Christmas time and then left it up to you the podcast enjoyer to, is that what they're called?

[651] Podcast enjurers?

[652] Podcast listeners?

[653] There must be a better word.

[654] Well, because you can listen to a podcast but I enjoy it.

[655] What's the word?

[656] Is there a word?

[657] Yeah, what is it?

[658] Listener.

[659] Listener?

[660] Why do you think is a word?

[661] Because we have a whole generation that crunches everything down into one syllable.

[662] And you already have podcasts, which is two syllables, and then you add listener, which is three.

[663] You'd think by now, would they be called something?

[664] People that consume podcasts.

[665] What would you call them?

[666] Potties.

[667] Okay.

[668] You know, hey, you potties.

[669] What's wrong with that?

[670] Why are you laughing at that?

[671] Well, you know, I mean, you call a person who watches TV, a TV viewer or a movie watcher.

[672] So there's podcast listener.

[673] It's the thing, and then what you do...

[674] I just think it could be better.

[675] Okay.

[676] Hey, listen, you potty's.

[677] We asked a bunch of you, who had the better drawing?

[678] Who had the better drawing?

[679] You voted, and this is crazy.

[680] I won.

[681] A lot of you voted.

[682] Over 1 ,100 people voted on this idiocy.

[683] That makes me sad about America.

[684] It does.

[685] But you did.

[686] 1100 of you voted.

[687] Who's puppy dog?

[688] with a Christmas bow drawing is best cast your vote.

[689] The results are in 71 % liked Conan's doodle, 29 % thought Sona had the better doodle.

[690] You were destroyed.

[691] I was.

[692] That wasn't even close.

[693] No, that is not close at all.

[694] It's something that's supposed to be open to, you know, subjective, your taste in art, but no, overwhelming.

[695] No, I mean, you are a famous person.

[696] I am not a famous person.

[697] Nope, that's not the reason.

[698] You draw a picture.

[699] Mine, look at how cute mine is.

[700] That's just a...

[701] Yours has dead eyes.

[702] That's what's funny about it.

[703] The dead eyes that Snoopy has, you know?

[704] That Charles Groden has.

[705] When you have dead eyes, it's just funny.

[706] And also, mine has a joke.

[707] My dog's looking sad and he's saying, I'm Jewish.

[708] He's thinking that.

[709] Your dog is just...

[710] This is something you learn to draw out of a learn how to draw a puppy book, right?

[711] Is it not in 1989, and you learned this, and you've been doing it ever since.

[712] Mine, this is me like Jackson Pollock or Picasso breaking through effortless.

[713] That's such a bad character.

[714] An effortless expression of creativity.

[715] Well, I followed the directions.

[716] I was told a puppy with a Christmas bow.

[717] Yeah.

[718] I drew a really cute one.

[719] Yeah.

[720] Great artists follow directions.

[721] Great artists follow directions.

[722] Hey, Picasso.

[723] So, what's going on with those eyeballs?

[724] They're all screwy, see?

[725] Straighten those out, and you'll earn more money on those paintings, see?

[726] That would have been you if you talked that way, and you lived back when Picasso was alive.

[727] I would tell Picasso what to do?

[728] Yeah, those eyeballs were all screwy.

[729] That's not how I learned.

[730] You've got to do what you're told in art. No, that's not, that's you, that's not me. I am unbridled.

[731] I cannot be tamed.

[732] I'm a wild stallion, an artistic beast.

[733] I am smoke and I am fire.

[734] I am cheese and I am check.

[735] I need to go to the hospital.

[736] You are comparing our doodles to work by Picasso.

[737] Well, no, mine.

[738] This looks like there's a sick kid and his friend made this saying, I hope you feel better.

[739] Sorry, you're sick.

[740] I made this puppy for you.

[741] It took me two minutes.

[742] Oh, well.

[743] Hope you make it.

[744] Mine, look, the potties have spoken.

[745] and I have an overwhelming 71%.

[746] Well, that means almost one out of four people preferred mine.

[747] Yeah.

[748] Have you seen the statistics on one out of four potties?

[749] One out of four potty's are glue sniffing maniacs.

[750] That's not true.

[751] That's a fact, one out of four.

[752] Yeah, let's go sniff some glue, but first, and we'll put a podcast on while we sniff.

[753] Oh, yeah.

[754] That's good stuff.

[755] Yeah, tell it, Marin.

[756] Tell it like it is.

[757] Good glue.

[758] That's right, Marin.

[759] You're right to be angry.

[760] So the people who voted for me were sniffing glue during the podcast, then went on Twitter while they were high on glue sniffing.

[761] I think some of the ones that voted for you didn't even know that they were on Twitter.

[762] I think they thought they were ordering a Domino's Pizza.

[763] What?

[764] No. Yes, they thought they were ordering a pizza.

[765] They got confused and they voted accidentally for you.

[766] If I was going to be friends with one of these puppies, I would be friends with my puppy instead of your dead eyes puppy that has zero fun personality to it.

[767] It's a dumb dog.

[768] You drew a dumb puppy.

[769] I just insulted 72 % of all potty's.

[770] So think about that.

[771] I won and I'm gracious in my victory.

[772] Oh, you're gracious.

[773] You're a gracious winner.

[774] Yes, I am.

[775] There's one thing you can say about me it's that I'm a gracious and humble winner.

[776] That's not something I would say about you.

[777] An incredible victory.

[778] I think you're a terrible person.

[779] That is your go -to line on me, 71%.

[780] I know.

[781] And you know what, it's not true.

[782] I think you're a nice guy.

[783] I am a nice guy.

[784] In real life, if I play this crusty guy, but really I'm one of the nicest people you've ever met.

[785] And we will get an editor to put something in there to make it not awkward.

[786] if we can afford that yet.

[787] One of the nicest guys?

[788] Please.

[789] You've met.

[790] You haven't gotten outside a lot.

[791] I think if you wanted to be evil, no one could touch you.

[792] Yes.

[793] But you choose to use your powers for good.

[794] Yes.

[795] So that's a nice thing.

[796] 71 % crushed you.

[797] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend, with Sonam O'Sessian and Conan O 'Brien as himself.

[798] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.

[799] Executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf.

[800] Special thanks to Jack White and the White Stripes for the theme song.

[801] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[802] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[803] Got a question for Conan?

[804] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[805] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[806] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[807] on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[808] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.