How Involved Should You Be in Homework?

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[25] So here's the age old question you're going to wrestle with.

[26] Just how involved should we be in our child's schoolwork?

[27] That's a tough question and it's going to probably consume you from the time your child is in kindergarten until they hopefully graduate from high school, maybe last into college.

[28] But it's going, it's a tough, tough question.

[29] And so I wanted to address that in a very specific circumstance and situation on this episode of the Calm Parenting podcast.

[30] So welcome.

[31] This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm.

[32] You can find us at Celebrate Calm .com if you have trouble, struggles with your family, which of course you do.

[33] Otherwise, you wouldn't be listening to this podcast and you probably have a very strong will child who doesn't want to do things the way you want them done and they resist everything and there's power struggles over simple things and you're like oh if you would just do what I said to do you would be done in seven minutes but you'd rather argue with me for seven hours or days or weeks or years and lose everything you own and consequences don't work with these kids that's who we deal with that's kids we love that's who our son is so you can reach out to him his name's Casey C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com about your family ages of the kids what are you struggling with we will reply back personally with ideas for you with some tips and strategies if you need help with any of our resources either go to the website and find it yourself or reach out to case and they'll help you put together custom package within your budget you know what i just got it uh we just got an order uh came through from a husband who bought the get everything package because it has everything and it's easy to get all of that for his wife for her birthday and he put that in a little note and so I replied back and sent a note to the wife for like happy birthday and offered you know as we always do if you listen to our programs and you have questions email us and I will help you personally walk through that and I thought that's a good move uh mr husband there because you know that moms moms love their kids and their family more than anything else in the world and often the struggle is I just want to get my husband on board we need to get on the same page so what this dad didn't realize was he spent a little bit of money on that but one it's a great gift His wife is going to love it because it means I'm committing to changing myself and changing our family.

[34] Like that's better than flowers.

[35] That's better than any gift.

[36] And that will, what is happening now and why I get excited is because that's a family who's going to change.

[37] Because they're getting on board and they're really going to learn and dig into this and you're going to break generational patterns.

[38] So it's really cool.

[39] So anyway, so here's the situation.

[40] I just got off a phone consultation.

[41] I don't reveal personal stuff about this.

[42] I'll probably even change the gender of the child, maybe even the age of the child, but I want to hit on this while it's fresh in my mind.

[43] So here's the situation.

[44] Let's say it's a mom with a five -year -old daughter in kindergarten.

[45] And so she's getting calls and emails from the school of like, your daughter's not doing all of her homework.

[46] Now, aside from the fact that you shouldn't have homework when you're five, because watch, and this is a really important thing to learn.

[47] Five -year -olds don't really need teachers, and they don't really need parents to teach them a lot.

[48] You know why?

[49] Because they're naturally curious.

[50] And if you give them some space in the right environment, they will explore, and they'll pick up things, and they'll take apart things, and they'll figure things out by themselves, and they'll build things, and they'll make messes.

[51] And that's what they're supposed to do, especially at age five.

[52] Their job description is to explore what they're naturally curious about, and they learn a ton from that.

[53] I'm not discounting the importance of teachers and parents because as parents, I want you reading to your children, age five and six, that's really all you need to just read, read, read with them, to them, around them, in front of them, because in the reading, they're going to get their vocabulary, they're going to learn how to write well, they're going to notice how sentences and thoughts are formed together, and it spurs their imagination.

[54] So, aside from the fact that they're getting a call, And look, this is in a community where, what do we all do?

[55] We try to live in a community where we have really good schools.

[56] Well, really good schools are usually where you have really involved parents.

[57] But what happens now is parents get way too involved.

[58] And so it's a bunch of type A driven intense parents, like me, like I was, involved in the school.

[59] And now it's like, well, our five -year -olds, we'd better teacher, let's give some homework because we want to make sure that our child is ahead of all the other children.

[60] And it's actually working against our kids.

[61] So five -year -old is not doing it.

[62] homework and so there's a thing where every Friday if you have done turned in all of your homework you get a special privilege in this case it's they get to eat lunch in the classroom with the teacher rather than going to the cafeteria so what's happening with our strong -willed five -year -old she's choosing not to do all of her homework and some of the homework she's not doing watch how interesting the mom says this on the phone call you know what's odd is that she does all of the harder work all of the stuff that I wouldn't do she does but my daughter loves to draw and yet the one thing she's not doing is we read through books and then she's supposed to draw just one picture that represents a character or a scene from that book my daughter loves to draw she's good at drawing and yet she won't do the one thing that she needs to do in there that's easy for her that is very very typical of strong -willed children they don't want to do what everybody else wants to do watch what's probably else is happening I don't know if this is true, but I think it is about this five -year -old girl.

[63] She loves to draw.

[64] Drawing is very personal.

[65] Any creative pursuit that you do is very, very personal, and you want to do it because it comes from within, because you want to do it, and you don't want people judging it and grading it.

[66] And so I think what's happening is she's like, yeah, I know I could draw that, and I'd be done in like 30 seconds, but I don't want to do it because I'm being told I have to do it.

[67] That is a very common strong -willed thing.

[68] That's something that I find within myself at age 55.

[69] And many of you are going to struggle with that because you are rule followers.

[70] And you're like, but I want to get the good grade and I want to please people and I don't want to disappoint people.

[71] Well, fortunately, strong -will kids don't struggle with those thoughts.

[72] And that's a very healthy thing at times to not give into that pressure and just do things to please people because many of you listening to that have done that your whole life and you're resentful and you never get what you want.

[73] because you're too busy pleasing everybody else.

[74] And fortunately, nature or God, however you want to see it, brought you this child who actually can free you from some of your issues because you're getting provoked by.

[75] Why would you not just draw the picture?

[76] You're good at it.

[77] You should just do it.

[78] And if you did that, you would get to have the special privilege that you're missing out on.

[79] And so the question the mom has and the choice that all of us have is, whenever the mom brings up homework, her daughter gets defensive and doesn't want help with it.

[80] Any of you notice that with your first grader, your third grader, your fourth grader, your fifth grader, your sixth grader, your middle school, your high schooler?

[81] It's not going away, moms and dads.

[82] Your kids don't want you looking over their shoulder, and so you have to decide, well, oh, if I just, you know, if I was on her and I helped her with this, she would get it done, and then she would get that privilege, and then everybody would be happy.

[83] But watch another way to look at, and look, you have to make that decision.

[84] In some cases, you need to find different ways to help your kids get organized, spur their brains, right?

[85] We talk about in the ADHD University, jump -starting your child's brain, so they learn in different ways.

[86] So they get to listen to music.

[87] You do homework underneath a fort with a blanket over the kitchen table, and they get to sit underneath, and we do homework outside.

[88] and we let the kids chew while they're doing their schoolwork.

[89] Lots of ways that we can do that.

[90] So sometimes, yes, you have to do that.

[91] But in this case, what hit me was, look what's happening.

[92] This five -year -old is well aware of the rules and the consequences.

[93] I do all these things.

[94] I get to eat in the classroom.

[95] And yet she's purposefully choosing not to do an assignment that would be simple for her.

[96] and she's taking the consequence.

[97] She's not melting down at school.

[98] No, she'll melt down at home.

[99] Why?

[100] Because that's what our kids do.

[101] They're good for other people, but they just lose it for us at times, right?

[102] But she's taking it.

[103] And what my gut tells me in this situation is let her own, her own choices.

[104] That's what we want for our kids in life.

[105] You've got to deal with your own anxiety and your own control issue.

[106] I know, but I don't want my daughter to do business so I want to just do the schoolwork for her.

[107] I'm going to stand over her so she does it so she's not disappointed.

[108] Why?

[109] She's purposefully dealing with her own disappointment.

[110] You know what that tells me?

[111] It's because that reward of eating in the classroom or the consequence of eating in the cafeteria and she's not the only one.

[112] There's a few other kids who are there with her.

[113] It doesn't motivate her either way.

[114] what motivates her more is I don't have to draw the picture that I don't want to draw and for many of you that is a foreign foreign way of thinking and unfortunately our entire society labels that as wrong well she's not going to be successful in life because you have to do things that you don't want to do how's she going to keep a job one day and it scares you and out of your anxiety and your fear And by the way, out of your own personality style, the way that you are made, the way you are born, you impose that on your child.

[115] This girl, the way I see it, I like what she's doing.

[116] She knows what the consequence is.

[117] She is purposefully choosing and she has made her choice that I value this.

[118] I value my freedom.

[119] I value not having my artwork looked at and judged over being a. able to join the rest of the class.

[120] You know why?

[121] Because they're not joiners.

[122] And sometimes they like the novelty of being different and choosing their own path.

[123] And isn't that moms and dads what we preach all the time.

[124] Choose your path.

[125] Make your choices.

[126] Live with the consequences.

[127] Be your own person.

[128] Be independent.

[129] And we preach that and we think we believe it.

[130] But we do.

[131] don't act like that.

[132] And we don't respect it when our kids choose that path because it makes us so uncomfortable.

[133] This five -year -old daughter, this five -year -old girl is actually doing what she's supposed to be doing right now.

[134] She's curious about what she's curious about.

[135] That's the way the brain's supposed to work at age five and six and seven.

[136] And if you want to be honest with, It's the way it's supposed to work at age 12 and 14 and 8 and 42.

[137] By the way, none of you, none of you on your own time read books that you're not curious about.

[138] You don't just randomly pick up a book and say like, this subject material doesn't interest me, but I think I should read it.

[139] No, you're curious about certain things and you don't even choose what you're curious about.

[140] You just are and you're drawn to something and so you put your time into that.

[141] That's the way the brain works.

[142] And so watch what's about to happen with this girl.

[143] This girl's actually doing the right thing.

[144] She's actually smarter than probably all the adults around her who are all filled with anxiety and preconceived ideas about how you're supposed to do things.

[145] I know you've got to do what the teacher says because if you don't get that reward and what are you going to do later in life?

[146] She's doing the right thing.

[147] And we ought to reinforce that instead of trying to change it and manipulate her because we talk about the strong -will kids manipulative.

[148] sure they are but so are we because our anxiety and our control issues compel us because we get so uncomfortable and watch what happens over time some of you have older kids whose spirits have been crushed because you didn't understand your child when they were little and you tried to force them into this box and that's why I plead with parents with this I don't need your money but I want you to invest in the strong will child program why Why?

[149] Because it has insight into your kids that you just don't get anywhere else.

[150] It's counter to what you think.

[151] It's different.

[152] It's not the way, nor my wife is a therapist.

[153] Therapists are not trained to think in these terms.

[154] They are good at handling the neurotypical kids.

[155] Well, just give them a consequence and enforce that consequence and do it firmly and consistently, and your child will change.

[156] That doesn't work for the strong -willed child because they don't value.

[157] you the same things and they don't see the world that way and that's why at times i do plead with people like please listen to that program specifically in our programs because you will start to see your child in a different way and i i'm not doing i don't do fear -based stuff it will save you a world of hurt of forcing this look this is where it begins at age five well honey if you're not going to do your homework you don't get that and by the way we're going to take this away from you And then it's at 7 and 10, the name finally shut down.

[158] They're like, why don't you respect my choices here?

[159] I hope that makes sense.

[160] And I'll add this one thing, and then I want to close this up and keep it because I like it how it is right now.

[161] I know you have questions.

[162] What are my child in third grade or eighth grade?

[163] We can get to that another time.

[164] But I want to release the teacher.

[165] They say, mom, talk to the teacher and say, I release you.

[166] I know there are a bunch of really intense moms and dads on you all the time, forcing you wanting you to push and push and push I don't want you to push my child I want you to encourage her curiosity here's what I'm after I want a curious child who loves to learn not to do arbitrary assignments right now you have the rest of your life to be miserable doing what everybody else wants you to do let's not rob our children of their childhood let's not rob them because of our own anxiety so I want you to dig in and whether you need to call me or come to boot camp or listen to our programs and really work at it I want you to dig in and change the way you view your child and let's start doing this and it's not too late if you've got a teenager you're going to have to go back and rework on some of this stuff right and do that you can do that will help you do that but let's change these things because this is what can change and mold the way your child sees himself or herself and their place in the world, and I have a heart for this five -year -old girl, I want to celebrate her for having the courage to make a choice and accept the consequence because she's choosing what she values most, and she's choosing her own path, and she's not being afraid of like, well, there's only a few of us that go to the cafeteria.

[167] you.

[168] Good for her.

[169] I want kids and adults who are like that.

[170] Don't you?

[171] So if we can help you, reach out Casey, C -A -S -E -Y, at Celebrate Calm .com.

[172] Thank you.

[173] Share this podcast.

[174] I think this is a really important podcast.

[175] I encourage you to share it with others.

[176] And if we can help come train your teachers, reach out to us.

[177] We'd love to do that.

[178] Anyway, we're on the road.

[179] We're coming up.

[180] We're going to be in Florida and Texas.

[181] Then we're in Indiana, Arlington, Virginia.

[182] We're in Kansas.

[183] city and we can come to your city.

[184] Just reach out to us.

[185] Love you all.

[186] Thanks for listening.

[187] Bye -bye.