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[0] This is exactly right.
[1] Hey, this is exciting.
[2] An all -new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.
[3] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.
[4] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.
[5] Who killed Saz?
[6] And were they really after Charles?
[7] Why would someone want to kill Charles?
[8] This season, murder hits close to home.
[9] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.
[10] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.
[11] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.
[12] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?
[13] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, DeVine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.
[14] Only murders in the building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.
[15] Goodbye.
[16] Hello.
[17] Hi.
[18] And welcome to my favorite murder, the mini I sewed.
[19] This is where we read your crazy, funny stories back to you.
[20] This is the easy one.
[21] This is easy for us.
[22] God, we love this one.
[23] Ugh, let's get to it.
[24] Damn it.
[25] You go first.
[26] Okay.
[27] Then I'll read the one that says...
[28] What just happened?
[29] You had your pen out and circle shit.
[30] This happens every time.
[31] Everything was ready.
[32] I have a problem with spatial organization.
[33] The subject line of this one is...
[34] is that time I accidentally did cocaine for the FBI.
[35] Hey, y 'all.
[36] Love it already.
[37] Perfect.
[38] All of it's perfect.
[39] It's an early Friday afternoon, and our chief, she's fucking in it.
[40] She's like, look.
[41] She knows we don't want anything else.
[42] It's an early Friday afternoon, and our unit chief gets a call that a high priority piece of evidence is being flown down to us on the FBI jet.
[43] Apparently, a plane that landed at Boston's Logan Airport was subjected to a TSA dog search team for explosives and one of the, the dog sat when he walked by the plane's bathroom, meaning that he had sniffed out explosives.
[44] Good boy or girl.
[45] The handlers did some digging around and found white powder hidden in one of the compartments near the toilet.
[46] They freaked out that the dog had found explosives, contact the FBI for help, and got the case started.
[47] Fade back to me. Fade back to me in Quantico, Virginia.
[48] Oh, this is an email from Clary Starling.
[49] Feedback to me in Quantico, Virginia.
[50] the newest chemist in the forensic laboratory explosives unit.
[51] Oh my God.
[52] Loving it.
[53] Day one.
[54] I'm Miss Eager Beaver wanting to fight crime and do my part to save the world.
[55] Amen.
[56] Meanwhile, all my seasoned, in parentheses, may be jaded.
[57] Co -workers, look at their watches, see that it's 3 o 'clock on a Friday afternoon, dump the assignment on the new girl, and get in later days out of there.
[58] I open the box and find a large block of packed white powder.
[59] Right off the bat, I think this is kind of strange.
[60] Because the field agent mentioned that they thought it was an explosive called P -E -T -N.
[61] Those are all capital letters.
[62] P -E -T -N.
[63] Peton.
[64] It's not Petean Manning.
[65] Did you just make that up?
[66] I made it up and I did it like that's what you do, but you do it like really fast and conversationally.
[67] I'm impressed.
[68] I just struggled like a drowning man to find Pete and Manning.
[69] But we're getting there.
[70] We're getting somewhere.
[71] It's not common to find large blocks of peaton.
[72] Per standard protocol, I weigh the material and recorded in my evidence book 500 grams.
[73] The first chemical test I do is called the burn test.
[74] You take a small amount of suspected explosive in a little metal spoon and you hold a lighter underneath.
[75] And if the substance isn't explosive or other accelerant.
[76] That's also how you smoke meth.
[77] Right?
[78] It will burn.
[79] so if it's an explosive or an accelerant, it'll burn.
[80] If it doesn't burn, it means it's not an accelerant or it's mixed with some kind of stabilizer.
[81] When I hold the lighter up to this stuff and it doesn't burn, it kind of melts.
[82] Then it bubbles a little bit.
[83] You can probably see where I'm headed here.
[84] Slightly confused by that result, I take a small amount of powder over to one of our super fancy test machines called an ATR.
[85] For about a minute I'm waiting while the computer does its magic, waiting.
[86] Then the results come back.
[87] 99 .99 % 7 % positive match for cocaine.
[88] That's pure shit.
[89] You're right?
[90] Yes, that's right.
[91] I had just free -based cocaine in a lab at the FBI.
[92] Oh, my God.
[93] And now I'm all alone with half a kilo of cocaine.
[94] Oh, my God.
[95] On a Friday afternoon, Newby in the group, not knowing what to do.
[96] Luckily, I managed to track down a chemist in the drug unit, down the hall, and fill him in on the details.
[97] He takes some of the powder and performs a chemical odor, a chemical color test, confirms that it is indeed cocaine and locks it in the drug safe.
[98] The icing on the cake is that while he was doing the color test, I noticed that my lips were feeling numb.
[99] Oh my God.
[100] Apparently a side effect of free basing cocaine.
[101] That's like the purest cocaine, too.
[102] Yeah.
[103] Oh, but I don't know if that meant that was the purity or if it was the match.
[104] Shut up, I get it.
[105] But I love your dream of totally pure cocaine, like straight out of that.
[106] the tree from Columbia.
[107] That's my, that's my thoughts.
[108] Pulled fresh from the ground in Colombia.
[109] I called the agents in Boston to fill them in on my results.
[110] And guess what?
[111] Their explosive sniffing dog was a newly trained after a former career, as you guessed it, a drug sniffing dog.
[112] Bad boy.
[113] Moral of the story, dogs may be really fucking smart, but they definitely aren't specific.
[114] Anyway, the following Monday, I had to fill out a statement about what happened just in case I got sent for a random drug test.
[115] Oh, my God.
[116] Needless to say, my co -workers had a lot of fun at my expense for quite some time after that.
[117] Thanks so much for reading my story.
[118] Stay sexy, don't get murdered, and don't freebase unknown white powders, Lydia.
[119] Oh, Lydia, that's fucking cool.
[120] That's good shit.
[121] You're cool.
[122] That's that good, pure shit that she just sent us.
[123] Yeah, she sent us that 99 .9%.
[124] We just rub that shit on our gums.
[125] Thanks, Lydia.
[126] Okay.
[127] This is called Great Great Grandma's Deathbed.
[128] fashion.
[129] Yes.
[130] Hey guys.
[131] I was recently having a text conversation with my mom when out of nowhere she texts, you know your great, great grandma confessed on her deathbed that she poisoned her hubby.
[132] To which I replied, what?
[133] Tell me everything.
[134] Her husband, whose nickname was Blackjack, was always spending all their money on his vices, cheating on her, and coming home at 2 a .m. drunk off his rocker.
[135] He would demand that she'd get up and make him something to eat upon his return every morning.
[136] and being a dutiful wife of the 1940s, she would get up and feed him.
[137] Afterwards...
[138] This is before Del Taco.
[139] I know, right?
[140] Which, by the way, Vince has already offered to bring me home tonight.
[141] Oh, you've got to.
[142] Is he poisoning me, though?
[143] No, he's loving you.
[144] Okay.
[145] Afterwards, he would pass down on the kitchen floor and she would go back to bed.
[146] They also had two young children.
[147] He was never around, and when he was, he was always drunk.
[148] So one morning, he came home around 3 a .m., smelling of woman's perfume and lipstick smears on his face, reeked of cigars and alcohol.
[149] Ooh, cigars.
[150] Cigars.
[151] And it's been his entire paycheck that he received that afternoon.
[152] Oh, dude.
[153] I know.
[154] Like, can you be a more typical fucking...
[155] He once again demanded that she'd get up and cook him some food.
[156] So she got up, cooked him a meal like he wanted, and added a special ingredient called poison.
[157] Shit.
[158] When he passed out on the kitchen floor, she just left him there.
[159] The next morning, she called the police an ambulance, and an ambulance claiming she had found him dead in the kitchen.
[160] since Blackshack had a notoriously bad reputation around town and forensics wasn't a thing yet they just assumed he died of his vices my great -great -grandmother never remarried and being the devout catholic she was spent her entire life praying for forgiveness but never confessed until she lay dying at age 97 shit i'm 42 years old my mother just told me the story i wonder what other juicy secrets my mother's keeping from from me my investigation is ongoing S -S -D -G -M, Mandy Yes, Mandy Oh my God I love that like Well, it's also just We sit on this show Telling horrible stories That we have the exact opposite feeling of Yeah And then you get one story that it's like That was my great -great -grandmother And you're like, yeah, fuck yeah Yeah And it's like, okay Yeah We got it I don't mind Yeah You got away with it Yeah All right Your turn Ready?
[161] Mm -hmm You've read this same one over.
[162] I'm like, I can't do papers anymore.
[163] I don't know why.
[164] This subject line is garbage men are first responders to.
[165] Ooh.
[166] Yep.
[167] Hey, my mom grew up in the Bronx and was in the second grade during the mid -60s.
[168] And like every other seven -year -old, she was walking home the few blocks to go home for lunch alone.
[169] Oh, my God.
[170] Why was she walking alone in the Bronx?
[171] Why were the Catholic school nuns allowing her to go home for lunch?
[172] my mind is blown at how trusting the world was is it trusting or stupid or just didn't give a single shit about children yeah giving a shit about children we've said it before is very new yeah it's from the 80s yeah and it's just because they figured out they could make money off of us because of the reason this is probably oh the reason this is probably frowned upon today is because of that bad shit uh the bad shit that happened when children were allowed to do these things cute potential kidnapper.
[173] As my mom was walking, an older kid grabbed her by the arm and said, you're coming with me. In retrospect, my mom thinks this kid was probably only about an eighth grade boy, but at the time, he seemed like the most terrifying man on her.
[174] As the boy begins to lead her away, she's seven years old.
[175] My mom is in shock, crying, resisting the boy.
[176] This next sentence is all caps.
[177] Well, who should save the day other than the local garbage man?
[178] out on his daily duties.
[179] The man saw my mother in distress and approached both her and the boy when asked what was wrong.
[180] The boy quickly jumped in and said that this was his little sister and she was just being difficult.
[181] But the garbage man, all caps again.
[182] But garbage man saw past his life.
[183] Yes, garbage man. Seriously.
[184] Sanitation worker.
[185] Sanitation worker.
[186] This guy, oh yeah, this was back in the 60s so they were still called Garbage Men.
[187] That's probably how the mom told the story.
[188] Seriously, this guy must have been a cleverest fuck because his response was I'd like each of you to whisper your last name into my ear right now.
[189] Which could seem creepy but it's not because he's saving the day.
[190] That's exactly right.
[191] It can't go in every direction at all times.
[192] My brain does.
[193] When the boy would only respond with it's the same as hers and refused to give up the last name the garbage man somehow convinced the boy it was in his best interest to leave my mother alone right away, and he did.
[194] The garbage man made sure my mom made it home safely.
[195] Was it really safer to trade an eighth grade boy out for an unknown man?
[196] Not sure.
[197] But in this case, he is the hero.
[198] They did it too.
[199] It's not just here, Georgia.
[200] I love it.
[201] My mom doesn't remember much other than being so scared she literally pissed her parents and that her mother showed very little mercy and actually made her walk back to school after lunch.
[202] again what the fuck is this world however her respect for garbage men remains to this day and she uh has been sure to instill the same respect in me as well you never know when you're garbage man or what did you say sanitation worker uh may become your first responder you know that's fucking true because sanitation workers are out on the street early in the morning eyes and ears i bet it fucking happens all the time i bet eyes and ears love the show you guys make uh me look like an idiot as I laugh out loud at how relatable you are while I'm driving my car.
[203] Stay sexy, don't get murdered and be nice to your garbage man. Jackie.
[204] Jackie, you made us laugh out loud.
[205] Yeah, that was awesome.
[206] Good job.
[207] Also, I love that.
[208] It's maybe that's the thing that people tell those stories and the stories that don't get heard is back then because children were out wandering.
[209] Yes, there were perves and bad things happened.
[210] But also, there were people who were paying attention.
[211] Yeah.
[212] That's kind of nice to hear one of those stories.
[213] All the people.
[214] who didn't get murdered.
[215] I didn't murder.
[216] 100%.
[217] This one's called That Time and Escapeed Murderer Got Loose in Our Town.
[218] Hello, both human and non -human acquaintances.
[219] Have I got a story for you?
[220] When I was a sophomore in high school, we got put on lockdown.
[221] It turns out that a convicted murderer broke out of a vehicle that was transporting him from prison to an airport nearby.
[222] That's the movie, The Fugitive.
[223] Oh, shit.
[224] The prisoner was Derek Caposie, who was convicted in 2005 for assisting in the murder and then chopping up Island Silva, wait, Island Silva in Massachusetts after the gang was worried she would cooperate with authorities.
[225] I think this is like a hitman thing.
[226] Oh yeah.
[227] Is that what you're thinking?
[228] No. Good.
[229] I thought this was similar to one, you read, remember where the girl goes to court with her reporter boyfriend and then he's bored?
[230] And then that's the thing.
[231] But it's probably not that.
[232] somehow he unlocked the back of the van got out of his shackles hopped out and hid now rural kentucky is not equipped to handle the fuckery of an ex -mafia slash drug gang escapee we didn't go to school for a few days but our entertainment was watching the news reporting on new sightings i shit you not this one guy saw him and thought he was just a really big muskrat question mark question mark question mark i can't find the clip but it was incredible someone please fucking tweet that to us After three days, they hadn't caught him, so they assumed he was gone and we returned to school.
[233] When they did finally catch him, he was found at my dentist's office before they had opened.
[234] It was literally across the street from my high school.
[235] Whoa.
[236] They checked the computer he was on in the office, and his history consisted of Google Maps and porn.
[237] Stay sexy and don't move to a rural town near an airport, Nicole.
[238] Whoa.
[239] Hey, this is exciting.
[240] An all -new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu.
[241] on August 27th.
[242] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.
[243] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.
[244] Who killed Saz?
[245] And were they really after Charles?
[246] Why would someone want to kill Charles?
[247] This season, murder hits close to home.
[248] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.
[249] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.
[250] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.
[251] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?
[252] ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, Devine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.
[253] Only Martyrs in the building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.
[254] Goodbye.
[255] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.
[256] Absolutely.
[257] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash?
[258] Exactly.
[259] And if you're a small business owner, you might know Shopify is great for online sales.
[260] But did you know that they also power in -person sales?
[261] That's right.
[262] Shopify is the sound of selling everywhere, online, in -store, on social media, and beyond.
[263] Give your point -of -sale system a serious upgrade with Shopify.
[264] From accepting payments to managing inventory, they have everything you need to sell in person.
[265] So give your point -of -sale system a serious upgrade with Shopify.
[266] Their sleek, reliable POS hardware takes every major payment method and looks fabulous at the same time.
[267] With Shopify, we have a powerful partner for managing our sales and if you're a business owner you can too connect with customers in line and online do retail right with shopify sign up for a one dollar per month trial period at shopify .com slash murder important note that promo code is all lowercase go to shopify dot com slash murder to take your retail business to the next level today that's shopify dot com slash murder goodbye this last one is actually uh if you all remember from it is not long ago i don't think but last week Ireland show.
[268] Okay.
[269] The live show we posted and would be last week.
[270] Yeah.
[271] Um, and I did, uh, the Stony Batten Strangler, which is also known as Billy in the Bowl.
[272] Right.
[273] So we got an email, subject line, Billy and the Bull from one Bobby Ahern who I talk a, a, uh, Hearn.
[274] I was corrected on the pronunciation of that.
[275] Um, but I talked about him because, uh, I learned most of the story of Billy and the Bull and the Stony Batten Strangler from this guy who just, tells stories, he tells local Dublin stories on a video series on YouTube and he's a charming, lovely man. So, here's the email.
[276] Hi, Karen in Georgia.
[277] This is Bobby Ahern from Dublin, whose video you excited in your discussion.
[278] I wish he had recorded this because I bet his fucking accent's so good, right?
[279] It's the best.
[280] Well, you can look at it, you can look him up on YouTube.
[281] Okay.
[282] But it's really like this, you know, it's real like that.
[283] Oh, so did I say Stoney Batten?
[284] It's Stony Bader.
[285] This is Bobby Ahern from Dublin, whose video you cited in your discussion of the stony about her strangler.
[286] I was very excited when I heard that you had been yapping about Billy.
[287] That is the perfect word for it.
[288] And I really enjoyed finally getting to hear it yesterday.
[289] Oh, my God, he heard it.
[290] I actually have a book that I wrote about Billy and a ton of other interesting characters from Dublin history.
[291] Then he does a live link.
[292] But here, if you want to look up his book, I would recommend it.
[293] He's a very interesting personal listen to talk to.
[294] So I bet reading his words would be good, too.
[295] it's h t t p s colon forward slash forward slash bobby ahern which is b o b b y a h e r n e dot com forward slash my dash book okay the majority of them are not murders and then in parentheses all caps sorry sorry um but i'd love to get a couple copies to you yes as a thank you for the mention if you think you'd be into that hit me with an address and i'll send them on over smiley face Cheers, Bobby.
[296] Oh, Bobby.
[297] I love that.
[298] I love when people we mention on the podcast, don't get mad at us.
[299] I know, and also, I, and we've talked about this before, I always forget it's going to be released to the public.
[300] And then all those people, like, I've had friends who go, ever since you mentioned me on the podcast, like people keep talking about it.
[301] Like, Paul Danky, when I was like, Paul Danky's going to come to the Halloween show.
[302] And then he texted me that.
[303] I'm like, I'm sorry, I have no memory of what you're talking about.
[304] And then he had to tell me what the context is.
[305] know this was going to be a thing.
[306] We still don't know it's a thing.
[307] We're trying to get it wrapped, our brains wrapped.
[308] But what for?
[309] We think we're just talking to our friends because we are.
[310] That's right.
[311] It just turns out there's a lot of you.
[312] Yeah, I think it's best to not really take it in.
[313] I agree.
[314] I'll just, but I am going to stop saying lascivious things about, uh, professional investigators I see on television.
[315] That's never happening again.
[316] I will fucking assure you.
[317] I think that it was a positive outcome though.
[318] Oh, good point.
[319] Though.
[320] Yeah, but positive, but, embarrassing outcome.
[321] Well, listen, you're fucking sacrificing yourself for the good of the holes.
[322] I give it all.
[323] I give it all for the holes.
[324] Thanks for listening.
[325] Send your stories to my favorite murder at Gmail.
[326] I think it's a good idea if you have garbage man's stories.
[327] Oh, garbage.
[328] I'm sorry.
[329] Sanitation worker stories.
[330] If you're a sanitation worker and you found, I want to know the crazy shit you found as a sanitation worker.
[331] Yeah, we've asked for this once before, haven't we?
[332] Well, I didn't, my needs weren't met?
[333] So, clearly I need you to, clearly there's no sanitation workers listening to this because they have fucking hard jobs and when they get done they don't want to listen to stupid women what was it yapping?
[334] Yapping.
[335] But I would argue and if you know a sanitation worker that you can make this argument to, what better to go along with the grinding noise of a of your dump truck crushing garbage in the back, then a couple gals with vocal for a yapping.
[336] A hundred percent.
[337] They might like it.
[338] That's exactly right.
[339] Goodbye.
[340] Thanks for listening.
[341] oh thanks for listening stay sexy don't get murdered goodbye now we said goodbye elvis want cookie oh wow good boy