Disappointing Your Kids—Social Distancing, Screens & Sweets

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[24] Hey, welcome to the Calm Parenting Podcast.

[25] This is Kirk Martin, founder Celebrate Calm.

[26] and we're glad you're here.

[27] So we're going to talk today about how to say no to your kids while building a closer relationship with them.

[28] I'm probably going to use most of my examples will be about social distancing because that's pretty top of mind right now, but you can apply it to any situation.

[29] And the whole goal of it isn't just how to say no and get your kids to listen.

[30] It's how to build a closer relationship with your child.

[31] Because as we've learned, hopefully you've learned, the best way to get compliance for your child is to first connect with them.

[32] it's relationships that change behavior more than consequences do and so that connection is really important and i want to put it in context of some things that are very very um relevant right now along those lines please know that we're aware of your struggles we know how hard this is um everything is in flux right now unlike anything i've ever seen in my lifetime and so it's hard there's inordinate stress on you with relationships with getting schooling done from home with working from home, with juggling things, with having some of you take care of your parents who live with you.

[33] It's hard.

[34] It's really stressful.

[35] Many of you have financial stress because, as we know, the economy is basically shutting down.

[36] And so there's a lot of stress, but no but here, a lot of stress.

[37] And we want to help you through that.

[38] We've had unprecedented numbers, unprecedented numbers of emails, phone calls from people looking for help.

[39] we help everyone.

[40] This is what we do.

[41] This is not just a thing like, oh, we care about you.

[42] We do care about you because this is our passion in life.

[43] This is not a job that we do.

[44] This is our passion.

[45] And this is what our daily, we have some daily affirmations.

[46] And we have goals that we have here and they surround basically around we serve families.

[47] We serve families.

[48] And our kind of mission, internal mission is we serve families in order to generate generational change.

[49] because that's what we want is generational change it's about relationships right so if you need something reach out to us um you'll be talking mainly to my son i answer a lot of emails but casey handles most of it and his name uh his email address is casey c a s ey at celebrate calm dot com he can help you with any of our resources he can help you with things financially we do not do anything cookie cutter here every person that emails is an individual with an individual story with individual stressors and kids that are that are different and unique and we don't just send out when i answer emails i'm not just sending out like some template we really wrestle with the issues that you wrestle with and we we try to really help in very very practical ways so if we can help you let us know and here's why i don't want this this coronavirus thing is going to define our generation in many ways the way that 9 -11 did for many of us.

[50] It's going to define our times.

[51] And what I want you to be a look back and see is that you use this as an opportunity.

[52] It was stressful beyond belief.

[53] It presented challenges that you've never faced before, but through what you came out and you showed your kids by modeling for them that you are someone trustworthy that they can look up to and they can respect and that they can trust you.

[54] And you use this time where you're going to have a lot of time together with each other and instead of letting it devolve into something negative where your relationships fall apart and you're angry at your kids and they're resentful towards you instead you used it to your advantage to build a closer relationship to understand how your kids are brains are wired so we can use this going forward we will get through this and at the end of this what I want is for our families our celebrate calm families to be on a firmer footing to know going forward we prioritize the right things we know how to do homework with our kids better.

[55] We know how our kids know how their brains work better.

[56] So when they do go back to school, they can advocate for themselves because they know how their brains work and they know how to jumpstart their brains.

[57] Right.

[58] Use this as an advantage.

[59] So here's where I want to go with this.

[60] Let's look at probably three different situations.

[61] The first is one is from a great mom, 15 -year -old son.

[62] And she emails and said, hey, I dropped the social distancing bomb.

[63] I'm on my sons today, two teenagers.

[64] The 15 -year -old is not currently speaking with me. So he wanted to argue, want to do all these things, but I wouldn't do it.

[65] I didn't give in.

[66] I just said no. And she said, he took a little nap.

[67] He woke up.

[68] He's still not speaking with me. And I know my goal is to connect and I'm waiting for the right time.

[69] I'm not sure what to say.

[70] I've already asked.

[71] Like, why is he upset?

[72] I'm trying to get to the heart of the matter, but he won't go any deeper.

[73] Like, what do I do?

[74] And so, look, the real answer in this particular case is this.

[75] He's just angry because he didn't get what he wanted.

[76] Like, there's not, you don't have to go a lot deeper in this situation.

[77] He wants to go out with his friends and you said no. Therefore, he's mad at you.

[78] There's nothing deeper.

[79] There's no deeper connection that we need to look for here.

[80] What we really need is not to change his response, but it's to change your confidence.

[81] so that you can approach this in a very confident way, right?

[82] Because here's what I told the mom.

[83] I don't think you need to fix anything here.

[84] You just need to give your son space to be disappointed and angry.

[85] It's not all that complicated.

[86] He wants to be with friends.

[87] You said no for his own safety and the safety of others.

[88] Therefore, he's angry.

[89] Now, I definitely acknowledge and say, hey, look, this stinks.

[90] I know it's not fun.

[91] And he can be mad at you.

[92] He can be angry.

[93] You can give you the silent treatment.

[94] Some of you would love for your kids to give you the silent treatment.

[95] But you have to do the right thing.

[96] His only choice right now is whether he chooses to be miserable, his choice, or he finds a way to use his time constructively.

[97] Now, look, you can give him some suggestions, but don't fix this for him.

[98] Parents, I really encourage you.

[99] Don't fix this for your kids.

[100] Now, come up with ideas.

[101] We talked about this in a previous podcast.

[102] have some themes, have some ideas, but don't fix it for them.

[103] They're going to be, I want your kids know disappointment as a fact of life and kids, I believe that you're capable of overcoming and dealing with your own boredom and your own disappointment.

[104] But I'm not a circus clown.

[105] It's not my job to fix everything for you in life.

[106] We're in unprecedented times.

[107] You don't get to go out and play.

[108] You don't get to be on your screens all day.

[109] So guess what?

[110] You're going to be disappointed.

[111] You're going to be angry at me. And I'm okay with that because I don't need you to like me. I really don't need that.

[112] What I want you to know is, though, I will always do what is best for you, even if it's really uncomfortable for me. Does that make sense?

[113] So moms, don't fix everything.

[114] Give your kids space.

[115] And look, this applies to social distancing screens.

[116] Your child demanding that you take him to the video game store, child demanding that you give him fruit snacks or anything.

[117] You just want to say no. You do in a very low key way.

[118] You don't do a lot of drama.

[119] I'm not going to explain everything because I'm not going to try to convince you that I'm right.

[120] Moms and dads.

[121] Stop that.

[122] You don't have to convince them because one, you never are.

[123] They're never going to say, mom, we didn't want to do it.

[124] But after you, look, after you explained it, your wisdom is just so overwhelming.

[125] You're a genius.

[126] Like, they're never going to say that.

[127] They want what they want.

[128] And your job is to be the grown up because guess what you know?

[129] You know what's best.

[130] Right.

[131] I know some parents are like, oh, that sounds like, no, you know what's best because you're not 15, because your brain is fully formed and you're an adult who has been through life and you have been through things.

[132] And your job is not to give in to your kids and just let them ruin their lives.

[133] It's to say, I know it's best.

[134] And I'm going to stick with it.

[135] And I don't need you to be happy.

[136] Look, one of our, if you listen to the, if you get, by the way, we lowered the prices on things on our website because we know people are struggling.

[137] And part of the reason is that.

[138] But we want you to have the tools because if you learn this stuff and you listen to it in our program, we have a special calm parenting bundle that we just created.

[139] It's on our website, go to the products page, Calm Parenting Bundle, and you get everything that we own.

[140] We'll give you 30 hours worth of strategies to show you exactly how to do this in all kinds of different situations.

[141] Anyway, what you'll hear is these phrases.

[142] Your mood does not determine or change my mood.

[143] Now, that's really hard.

[144] Why?

[145] Because their moods do determine your mood, but that's your issue.

[146] because you have too many buttons to push.

[147] True?

[148] That's why your kids can push your buttons.

[149] Why?

[150] Because you have too many buttons to push.

[151] Stop reacting to your kids.

[152] Stop taking it personally all the time.

[153] That's your issue.

[154] And when you learn how to control yourself and your own moods, you won't let your kids push you around with that.

[155] Son, your behavior does not change my behavior or determine my behavior.

[156] You can have a, you can throw a meltdown.

[157] You can have a tantrum in the middle of aisle four, in the middle of the grocery store, and it won't bother me. If you think that I'm going to get embarrassed by that and give in to you, it's not happening.

[158] See, that tone of voice says, I'm confident, says everything's okay.

[159] I can deal with it when you get upset at me. And moms and dads, I want you to be confident with your kids.

[160] This teenager is looking to see how his mom is going to react.

[161] So she handled it well.

[162] And here's what she wrote back.

[163] Kirk, you have not steered me wrong.

[164] I gave my son space to be mad.

[165] And the next afternoon, notice that it wasn't the same night because it's never going to be on your timeline.

[166] Now, look, if you need to apologize to your child, well, then you go and do that promptly, do that now.

[167] But if it's them, give them space.

[168] The next afternoon, he told me his friends' parents weren't letting their kids out either.

[169] He told me he was mad at me the day before and didn't want to talk to me. And I said, I know, this isn't a lot of fun.

[170] And he turned a corner and we're back to talking and he's finding things to do and we're at peace.

[171] Why?

[172] Because that mom had the courage to do what is right and she backed off and gave her son space to be upset without giving in.

[173] I think that was a beautiful thing that she just did for her son.

[174] So use that.

[175] Number two example.

[176] So this is a good dad that emails and says, hey, got this teenage son.

[177] He wants to go out with his friends.

[178] But the complicating thing is, I'm telling him not to go, but he's disobeying.

[179] He's not listening to me. His mother had breast cancer last year, so she has a weakened immune system.

[180] How do I handle this?

[181] So I asked for a little bit more information.

[182] Find out, look, he's a good kid.

[183] He's a good kid.

[184] He's just going out with two or three buddies, and they're going fishing.

[185] They like baseball.

[186] They're just hanging out, not doing anything wrong, so to speak.

[187] So in this case, again, you have the right to bring down the hammer and to declare martial law, you have the right as the parent at any time to say, you're not happening son, you're staying in.

[188] And if they don't, then you have the right.

[189] And you know I'm not a big consequences guy, but you have the right and sometimes it works, but usually it doesn't to say, okay, you go out, you will forfeit your car keys, the car that I pay for, the insurance that I pay for, and that cell phone that I pay for.

[190] right like you have the right to do that if you do it just do it in a very low key way in this case i really wanted to take a different a slightly different tact so i advise dad to um just do this because look i look think of it from your kid's point of view i'm not excusing their behavior but it's not like it's unrealistic or unreasonable because his son's reasoning is look i'm just hanging out with a few guys doing some innocent stuff, right?

[191] And they're healthy.

[192] We don't have anything to worry about, right?

[193] And that's a reasonable thing that your child is thinking.

[194] So I get that.

[195] So you can kind of acknowledge that.

[196] But the truth is, our kids don't understand always the larger implications.

[197] And that's why they have things called parents.

[198] So I told dad, I said, you know, I'd err on the side of just go for a walk with him, good kind of father, son, time and say this.

[199] Look, son, you're 17, you're a good kid.

[200] I'm actually really proud of who you are as a young man. You're not out -causing mischief.

[201] You're not getting into trouble.

[202] You've actually chosen really good friends.

[203] You're not doing anything wrong per se.

[204] Right?

[205] What you're doing, you're just hanging out with a couple friends instead of large groups.

[206] It's sensible.

[207] It's actually good choice that you're making.

[208] I could make you stay home under the threat of a severe consequence, but I'd like to give you the option of making the decision.

[209] So here's what I want you to think about overnight.

[210] Son, if you stay home, the downside for you is that you're going to be bored.

[211] But if on the admittedly small chance you bring home the virus, the downside for your mom is that she dies.

[212] Death is permanent.

[213] Your boredom is not.

[214] And I bet we could brainstorm some ways to relieve the boredom at home, perhaps even start a little business together, watch movies, documentaries, things that we both love that I usually don't have time for.

[215] But son, I want you to think about it because I love you and your mom both more than more than anything.

[216] So does that make sense, right?

[217] I would make it stark and say, I like for the strong world kids making things stark.

[218] Look, I get it, son.

[219] You're not doing anything wrong.

[220] And I'm not impuging your motives.

[221] You're actually being fairly responsible compared to most people.

[222] And you're staying with a small group and you're just fishing.

[223] I can't say that you're doing anything really wrong.

[224] But what I want you to know is the downside for your mom for you is boredom the downside for your mom is death now i don't think you have to go further but you could go further and say you know what if on the off chance that you brought home something and your mom got sick and she died right like i i don't expect kids to think like to think that far in the future of like just think of the regret you'd have for the rest of your life that you killed your mother i don't think i need to go there but i do like to give perspective, and I do like that for teens a lot.

[225] In general, I like to say, hey, look, I can declare a martial law, I can make your life miserable, and I reserve the right to do that because I'm responsible for stuff in the home.

[226] But what I really want to give you right now, apply this to just about any situation, is perspective.

[227] So you're givers of wisdom.

[228] I have life perspective, and I want to give you this perspective, and then I'm going to put it in your court because I really like to hear what you say.

[229] And I'd love you to think about this because what it does is it helps them develop critical thinking skills and how to think through issues and everything's not about them, right?

[230] I don't have a problem with at all you telling your kids, look, this whole thing of you not going out with other friends has nothing to do with you.

[231] It has nothing to do with you.

[232] It has to do with vulnerable people.

[233] If you want me to weigh, okay, so you're going to be bored, but you live in 2020, and you have access to all the world's information on your phone, and you have access to Netflix, documentaries, and things that you could be learning, and you expect me to be all boo -hoo for you?

[234] Sure, it's going to be tough.

[235] But it's not like it's the end of the world for you, right?

[236] Like, imagine living in 1975 or when I grew up.

[237] We didn't have access.

[238] We didn't have cell phones.

[239] We didn't even have computers.

[240] Like, we had to be.

[241] We had.

[242] We had.

[243] caddy shack that we could watch like 24 times.

[244] That's about it.

[245] So I'm not going to shed a lot of tears for you because you're stuck at home with literally all of the world's information at your fingertips.

[246] The downside for your neighbor, for Mrs. Johnson down the street, for your grandmother, for kids who are critically ill, for other people with a weakened immune systems is they could die.

[247] The downside for your friend.

[248] is that their friend's mom or dad could die.

[249] So, you're not going out.

[250] You know why?

[251] Because it's not about you.

[252] Right?

[253] I've no problem with that.

[254] Now, don't go say, you know what?

[255] You're being selfish.

[256] All you ever think about is yourself.

[257] That's not what I'm saying.

[258] I'm just letting them know everything's not about you.

[259] And sometimes we make sacrifices because other people are important.

[260] And if your faith is important to you, that's the whole existence of your faith.

[261] is to love your neighbor as yourself.

[262] And so if I'm going to love my neighbor as myself, that means we're not going to do things that jeopardize our neighbor's health and well -being just because it's inconvenient for us.

[263] Right?

[264] Like that's modeling your entire faith right there.

[265] Third example, this one's cool.

[266] Hang in there.

[267] I love this one.

[268] It's my favorite one.

[269] That's why I saved it for the end.

[270] So get this email.

[271] It's kind of funny and flipping at first, right?

[272] of like, hey, Kirk, our son has chosen to take social distancing to new levels.

[273] He's hold himself up in our room, and he's social distancing himself from us.

[274] What do we do about this?

[275] And it was kind of funny to think about until you realize that none of this stuff is really funny.

[276] I'm not talking about the coronavirus.

[277] I'm talking about relationships.

[278] It's not funny when this stuff happens because the whole world has run on relationships.

[279] Right?

[280] And I guarantee at the end of your life, you're not going to.

[281] regret most things, but you will regret if you didn't fix your relationships.

[282] So I took a chance and I said, hey, mom and dad, you mind if I'm blunt with you?

[283] And can I play a hunch with you?

[284] And they said, nope, we want the bluntness.

[285] So I said, here's what I want to focus on.

[286] It's not your son right now.

[287] It's you.

[288] Your sons hold himself up in his room.

[289] And there's a reason for it.

[290] And there's no blame.

[291] There's no guilt, parents, but is there a reason that he doesn't want to be with you?

[292] Now, parents, I can tell you, I can pretty much guess why you wouldn't want to be with your son because he's difficult, because he's challenging, because every time you ask him to do something, he asks why.

[293] He questions everything.

[294] He wants to do things on his own terms.

[295] He's sensitive at times and he overreacts to things and he's overly emotional and he likes to control things and he's bossy and he doesn't like to play games the right way.

[296] And I can tell you all the reason that your kids are difficult because we have 1 ,500 of those kids in our home.

[297] We have our own son who is like that, and we've worked with almost a million people.

[298] So I pretty much know why your son is difficult, but I'm not interested in that right now.

[299] What I want to know is, what is it about you, mom and dad, that makes your son not want to spend time with you?

[300] No blame, no guilt.

[301] But what is it?

[302] Because we always get these questions of like, well, we can't trust our teenage son.

[303] Understandably, I agree with you.

[304] But the opposite corollary is almost always true.

[305] I bet you that your teenage can't trust you because every time they do come and tell you something do you react to them do you overreact do you shame them do you lecture them do you make them feel like they're for right because when we do those things it sends our kids away from us so here's so we went back and forth and i said look i'm going to be blunt with you i don't usually do this and i don't if you email me i don't push our stuff on you i'm not good at that i should be better at that i should actually tell most people, look, I've already recorded like 30 hours worth of stuff.

[306] So if you really want to answer and you really want to change stuff, just like by the package.

[307] It's cheaper than all the therapy you've done.

[308] And it's cheaper than most.

[309] And by the way, we just lowered our prices so that we can help people who are struggling financially with this.

[310] We want to help you.

[311] But you've got to invest in.

[312] You've got to listen to it.

[313] You've got to work through it, right?

[314] So I'm not always great at doing that when I'm talking to people because I don't want, I'm very sensitive to, oh, you only answer our email.

[315] you want to sell your stuff.

[316] I've answered, I bet tens of thousands of emails.

[317] I've spent 10, this sounds defensive doesn't it, but I do want you to know.

[318] I've spent tens of thousands of hours at live events, answering people's live questions for them, staying late into the night without selling them anything.

[319] I don't need your money.

[320] I do want you to invest because what I know is this.

[321] I don't need your money because we get paid fees to go wherever we go.

[322] I, I'm not a money guy.

[323] What I am is an investment guy, and I've got a lifetime of wisdom working with these kids, and I can change your family pretty quickly, and I can show you exactly how to do it, and you'll become a new person, and you'll have a compliant child who you actually enjoy.

[324] And so if I ask $197 for that, that's a bargain.

[325] If I ask $99 to help you restore a relationship with a teenager, you know, to jump at that.

[326] Why would you not?

[327] Right?

[328] Like, that's not, I can come in your home and find like 5 ,000 things you spent more money for, right?

[329] Like, I'm not just saying that, but so with this parents, I was like, hey, I want to be blunt.

[330] I can work through this stuff on email a little bit with you, but you've got some work to do because you've got like 15 years, right, where you've been having this dynamic go along.

[331] So here's what I want you to do.

[332] So we actually changed it on our website.

[333] Say go to the website, celebrate calm .com.

[334] You'll see a little tab that says no BS.

[335] I created this program called the no BS program.

[336] By the way, hang in here.

[337] I'm going to give you some really good tips, and they're going to be free for you so you don't have to pay.

[338] But if you really won't change, you'll invest in it.

[339] So anyway, go to CelebrateColm .com.

[340] You see the No BS.

[341] It's called the No BS Instruction Manual for Strong -Willed Children.

[342] It is 25 action steps in order to rebuild this relationship.

[343] And I told these parents, I said, I'm pretty sure you're going to have to do 22 of them, right?

[344] And so they did.

[345] And I said, you do it, read it, listen to it, and I'll work through it.

[346] with you.

[347] And I will promise anybody who is listening today, look, we're not traveling a whole lot, because we're quarantined at home ourselves.

[348] I will work all through the rest of March, all through April.

[349] I bet you by the end of April, we can have a new relationship with that strong will child.

[350] You can have a relationship, the same kind of relationship that I enjoy with our son Casey.

[351] You can have a more compliant child, a child who is motivated.

[352] I'll show you exactly how to do that, And I'll walk you through it because look, we're home.

[353] I've got 24 hours a day pretty much.

[354] I don't sleep a whole lot.

[355] I've got about 18 hours a day.

[356] You invest in stuff that we have.

[357] You walk through that no BS program.

[358] I'll walk through it with you.

[359] And we will make these changes.

[360] And by the end of the time, this virus thing, look, this virus, we will get through this.

[361] And what I want you to be able to look back and say, that was like one of the hardest times of my entire life.

[362] But at the end of it, guess what?

[363] I was a calm person.

[364] I could control my emotions.

[365] I became that parent that my kids can respect and trust and look up to.

[366] And I have a relationship.

[367] It used to be so tense with a strong will child.

[368] And now it is on the mend.

[369] And we're talking.

[370] We're enjoying each other.

[371] That will last a lifetime.

[372] It's actually a great line I need to write down.

[373] Virus will be temporary.

[374] I know it may last longer than we think.

[375] But your relationships are for a lifetime.

[376] So I said, look, let's start with one of the earliest steps.

[377] Be curious.

[378] And so be curious with your child.

[379] And this is for all of you.

[380] go to your child or text them and say, I'm curious.

[381] You want to stay up in your room and you don't want to spend time with us.

[382] I get that.

[383] And I'm curious, why is that?

[384] What have we done?

[385] What do we currently do that drives you away from us?

[386] And then listen, listen, be patient.

[387] And watch what these parents heard.

[388] Mom, dad, I have never thought that you really liked me. I've always thought you favored my brother because everybody likes him and I've always been kind of the difficult one and I never thought you liked me now hear that do not react to it do not defend yourself do not try to say well but you do it no just own it own it yourself because that's probably true for many of you right it was true of me I didn't like my son.

[389] He was a really difficult kid.

[390] And I felt great resentment toward him.

[391] After all we did for him and he could, well, if you're doing too much for your kids, that's your issue.

[392] Because it's a subtle manipulative tool that you use that says, well, since I did so much for you, you owe me good behavior.

[393] You owe me respect.

[394] No, they don't.

[395] You're being manipulative and stop it.

[396] And just own the fact that you probably have done these things.

[397] What have you done?

[398] Do you lecture too much?

[399] Right.

[400] Do you lecture too much?

[401] Do you misjudge your kids' motives?

[402] Are you always on them?

[403] Nothing's ever good enough.

[404] Watch, here's one, dads.

[405] When you tell your kids something, is it usually something negative?

[406] Do you usually point out the negative without pointing out and affirming the positive?

[407] We all tend to do that.

[408] So own that part.

[409] And don't make excuses for it.

[410] just to own it because that will be one of the first keys to changing this situation and I want it changed so I said let's work through the 25 steps and I'll give you three here that I love number one here's one ask your kids this does it ever feel like we misjudge your motives because I guarantee you do right we all do well he's just being lazy well he may not be lazy he might just not be he's not motivated those are two different things right Right?

[411] Being lazy is a lot different than being not motivated because they don't care about the same things you care about.

[412] One of my, the worst ways we do this is, well, if you would just apply yourself, that's one of the most damaging, hurtful, awful things you can say to another human being.

[413] Well, if you would just apply yourself, because here's what we're saying, your intentions are bad.

[414] You're not even trying, right?

[415] And so I want you to let go of that.

[416] Please, humility is really important.

[417] We misjudge people's motives all the time.

[418] Right.

[419] We're always, and so I encourage you to own it.

[420] Apologize to your kids, right?

[421] Hey, listen, I want to own that.

[422] I have been on you.

[423] It probably does feel like nothing's ever good enough for you.

[424] Right.

[425] It probably feels like all I ever focus on is the negative.

[426] And I apologize.

[427] Let me give you a caveat for the apologies.

[428] If you have apologized 15 times but you have not changed yourself, just save your breath because now you just hurt your credibility.

[429] Oh, I'm so sorry.

[430] I'm so sorry.

[431] I'll stop.

[432] No, you have to stop because your apologies, after a while, the apologies mean nothing.

[433] You have to do the hard work to change those negative patterns that you probably got from your parents.

[434] They are in you and they are deep inside of you.

[435] and that's why I want you to work through these programs so you can come face to face with the fact that you need to change yourself.

[436] I'm not getting on you.

[437] I need to change myself.

[438] If we would all just own that, everything in our society would be better.

[439] Look, we do.

[440] Think what politics is.

[441] Well, my side believes the right thing and we care more than the other side.

[442] Well, I don't care.

[443] Pick what side you're on.

[444] I don't care which side of the political spectrum or if you're in Europe, there are 15 different political spectrums.

[445] Everybody all thinks, well, my side believes the right thing in our way is best, and we care more.

[446] That's a horrible.

[447] Oh, okay, good.

[448] Like, we're going to have some kind of great discussion when you assume that I'm one, not very bright, and I don't care.

[449] Okay, let's go out to lunch.

[450] Can't wait to hear you.

[451] Expand on that, right?

[452] Like that, it doesn't mean you're not confident in what you believe.

[453] I'm fairly confident in what I believe philosophically and politically is probably the best course of action.

[454] But I'm not assuming that people who disagree with me have bad motives and they hate our country and don't care for people.

[455] Does that make sense?

[456] I own my own part.

[457] And if we owned our own part, things would change very, very quickly.

[458] So I own that.

[459] Do I have I misjudged your motives?

[460] second step.

[461] This is a second.

[462] There are 25 steps in the no BS thing, but the second one I'm giving you besides being curious and listening and apologizing.

[463] There's many other steps, right?

[464] But I don't watch it.

[465] We'll do all 25 steps.

[466] Release your child.

[467] Look, I'm not going to do the whole thing.

[468] This is incredibly powerful, critically important.

[469] You have to release the child to be the person he or she is supposed to be.

[470] You need to release your child from the expectations that you have.

[471] I'm not talking about expectations.

[472] to be a good citizen and to care and to be a good person.

[473] I'm not talking about that.

[474] I'm not talking about releasing from expectations, do homework, and to do chores.

[475] But the deep internal expectation that you often have that your child needs to be someone than he already is because I guarantee you that's inside of you.

[476] If you have a strong will child, that's inside of you and it's been inside of me. And it still is inside of me. And you have to root that out and you have to acknowledge that and say, I apologize and I release you to be the person you're supposed to be, not the person your sister is, not who I want you to be, not who I am.

[477] I've got a whole section on that which is very, very powerful in which when you release your child, it is a very, it is a deeply spiritual, powerful thing, almost more powerful than the apology and anything else because you're reaching deep inside their heart and saying, I have misjudged who you are.

[478] I have wanted deep down for you to be different, to be more like me, to be more like your brother.

[479] And I am now releasing you.

[480] I am releasing you to be that person who is different than your peers.

[481] I'm releasing you to be the person you're made to be.

[482] And deep inside of that is me acknowledging them and accepting them as they are, even though they're irritating to me. I'm not asking you to accept that everything that you're, child does is right.

[483] I'm not expecting you to accept that any of it is right, but I am asking you to accept them for who they are and the fact that they're just very different from you and see the world in a different way than you do.

[484] And who's to say that your way is right?

[485] We spend an hour on that, mom and dad, and myself.

[486] Who's to say that your way is the right way?

[487] How do you know that?

[488] And how do you know that your way hasn't brought you to all kinds of destruction in your life already, right?

[489] True.

[490] Own that.

[491] But the bigger point is release them to be who they're supposed to be.

[492] And now bond.

[493] I want you to bond over your child's interests.

[494] And what I told this husband and wife is, because they're dealing with a son is, has your husband, dad, when was the last time you really genuinely enjoyed your son for who he is?

[495] When have you enjoyed time with him?

[496] Find something your child is interested in and take an interest in it and bond over that.

[497] Because I promise you when you start bonding over that and you enjoy your child, the relationship that you are building will change your child's behavior.

[498] The humility that you are exhibiting will break down those walls in that defensive child.

[499] That connection that you have with your child will breed compliance.

[500] and you will have a new child, and it won't be because you changed your child.

[501] It will be because you changed yourself and how you view your child, right?

[502] And start asking questions of that child and say, what do your friends think of this virus?

[503] What do you think about it?

[504] What do you think that we could do proactively to help other people?

[505] Because our mission as a family is to serve and help other people, right?

[506] And you say, what can we do during this time where we have all of this time?

[507] I apologize because in our normal everyday life, I usually don't have time for you because all I do is lecture you about doing your chores and during your schoolwork, but I haven't taken the time to see what your life is like and what you're interested in.

[508] And I want to bond with you.

[509] And this, then you know what was cool?

[510] This family went through the 25 action steps and they said some of them were very, very hard to do.

[511] But each one of them led to a deeper level of connection with their son.

[512] Guess what?

[513] Dad and son now are working on three projects.

[514] together.

[515] They're working on creating their own little small business together.

[516] They are putting together old family photos and videos for the grandparents.

[517] So they can send this to the grandparents because now they have time to do it.

[518] And they're going to send this to their family of all the vacations they've taken together, all these things.

[519] And they're working on this video compilation, putting it together with music, doing all of those things.

[520] And the father and son are now watching documentaries, not about what the dad's necessarily interested in, but what his son is interested in, and they're spending time together.

[521] And you know what they're doing?

[522] They're actually enjoying each other for the first time in a long time.

[523] I guarantee, you know what's happening?

[524] When that dad gets up from spending a little time with that teenage son and he asks his son to do something, what do you think's going to happen?

[525] That son's going to be more compliant because he knows his father loves him and not only loves him, but likes him.

[526] And I encourage you to go through that.

[527] And I encourage you, look, we've been through the tough process in this.

[528] I'm going to wrap this up of like, hey, we're going to say no. Look, I'm saying no. You don't have to like it, and you're free to be mad at me, and I'm okay with that.

[529] We've done a more consultative approach of saying, like, look, I want you to think about this.

[530] Here's some perspective.

[531] Downside for you, boredom, downside for other people, is they die, and that some other people lose their mother and their father and their child.

[532] So, why don't you think about the bigger perspective and come back and tell me what to do?

[533] And then we looked at this where we get to say, huh, I wonder if there's something we can learn from the fact that our son is socially distancing himself from us.

[534] And maybe if we own our part and we do our part, that our son will want to come down out of his bedroom and spend time with me because I'm not going to be negative in lecturing and on him all the time.

[535] And I actually take an interest in his life.

[536] And instead of trying to motivate him to care about everything that I care about, I'm actually learning what he cares about in doing something.

[537] so you will find what motivates them.

[538] That is a beautiful, beautiful thing that you can do that will outlast this virus and this time.

[539] And it's long term.

[540] And I encourage you, our son Casey, C -A -S -E -Y, celebrate calm, email him.

[541] Go to the website.

[542] We've reduced the price so everybody can afford it.

[543] I will rebuild your relationship with your child.

[544] Get them to be motivated and care about the things you want and do what you want them to do and listen to you.

[545] And it's $99.

[546] Right.

[547] So if you need help with the whole package, we put together the, calm parenting package and we've reduced that price in half as well.

[548] If you need help financially reach out to us, we care about you, we want to help, we want to use this time to change your family.

[549] It can be really cool.

[550] Thank you for listening to the Calm Parenting podcast.

[551] If you find this helpful, share it with other people.

[552] Get the word out because we want to help more people.

[553] If we can help you, let us know.

[554] Love you all.

[555] Bye -bye.