#56 - Johnny Pemberton

[0] Hollaback.

[1] Let's do it.

[2] Here we go.

[3] See you next time.

[4] That's a song that's not really a song.

[5] That's strange.

[6] It turns into more of a song, but yeah.

[7] It starts out just words.

[8] Right.

[9] Are there electronic words, right?

[10] Yeah.

[11] So it is sort of a musical note, right?

[12] Yeah.

[13] Sort of.

[14] I mean, it's electronic, right?

[15] Yeah.

[16] It's instructions.

[17] Yeah, it's like digital music, right?

[18] I mean, it is, right?

[19] It's a sound.

[20] It's in harmony.

[21] It's music.

[22] Yeah, that's Daft Punk.

[23] Punk technology.

[24] And actually, did you know Daft Punk did the whole new Tron movie coming out?

[25] The whole entire soundtrack for it?

[26] That's crazy.

[27] I love it when that happens.

[28] It's kind of interesting now, these digital musicians, you know, because they're legit musicians, you know, and for the longest time, a guy who even played keyboards.

[29] You remember when Jump came out for Van Halen?

[30] Right.

[31] And everybody was like, what the fuck is all this?

[32] That's like a...

[33] electronic bullshit.

[34] That's not fucking rock and roll.

[35] Rock and roll is guitars and fucking drums and shit that's hard.

[36] You feel the echo.

[37] The chords actually ring.

[38] We won't get food again.

[39] It's not but man, shit has come a long way.

[40] Now it's like an art form of itself.

[41] Digital music is legit now.

[42] It's beeping.

[43] That We Want Your Soul song that we've played here before?

[44] Yeah.

[45] I fucking love that song, man. That song creeps me out, man. Yeah, it's a good song.

[46] Before we go any further, let's introduce our guest.

[47] He is Johnny Pemberton.

[48] You may have known him or may know him from MTV's Mega Drive.

[49] And I'm watching a video of it right now.

[50] It's available online.

[51] And he gets in some fucking dope -ass orange.

[52] badass dick mobile.

[53] I don't know what it is, but it looks awesome.

[54] The sports car?

[55] Yeah.

[56] We have to say, before we go any further, our podcast is sponsored by The Fleshlight.

[57] Have you ever used one of these, fella?

[58] I have not.

[59] You ever touched one?

[60] I haven't touched one.

[61] Nobody's had sex with that, so it's clean.

[62] You put your finger inside of it.

[63] They're our only sponsor for the show, and they're really nice guys.

[64] We hang out with them when we're in Austin.

[65] They're fucking great.

[66] Chris Marcus, one of the guys who works for the company, has actually been on the podcast.

[67] They should make a self -defense version of that.

[68] It looks like you can clock somebody with that over the head.

[69] It's pretty heavy.

[70] It would be better if it was metal instead of a fake pussy substance.

[71] Or if you had the container with some sort of shards on the outside of it, you could be...

[72] Yeah, I guess, but then that's just a weapon.

[73] That's like a cudgel.

[74] Then you're going back in time.

[75] If you're going to have something this big, shouldn't you have a gun?

[76] Maybe you can't have a gun.

[77] Guns aren't that cheap.

[78] Unless somebody attacks you in bed or something.

[79] That's true.

[80] But a lot of people sleep with a gun under their pillow.

[81] Talk about having some fucking crazy dreams.

[82] How about that?

[83] Roll over in your sleep and you feel the cold gun.

[84] You're like, oh, yeah, it's under my pillow.

[85] I'm paranoid about having a gun in my house just because if I come home too stoned or drunk one day, I'm like, hey, guns.

[86] I can't imagine having it in bed when you're half asleep.

[87] Can you get that stoned?

[88] Well, I mean, drunk and stoned together, I guess.

[89] Yeah, that's not a good combo.

[90] It's like you're enlightened and you're sure of it.

[91] Right.

[92] I'll like shoot somebody.

[93] That is what it is, right?

[94] Drunk and stoned is like you're enlightened and you're arrogant about it.

[95] It's like you're tuned into the universe and you want everybody to know.

[96] Come on, man. I got this gun.

[97] I'm fucking tuned in.

[98] So what was this orange car that I'm watching you drive?

[99] This fucking insane sports car.

[100] That is a Spiker C8 Laviolette.

[101] It's like a custom -made sports car.

[102] It costs like $300 ,000 or something like that.

[103] God damn.

[104] It's like the whole inside is bespoke.

[105] And it was really nice.

[106] It was the kind of thing where I was one of the few things I was really afraid to drive because unlike, you know, a $300 ,000...

[107] scoop loader or something, those things are meant to get dirty and kind of kick it.

[108] But this thing, I sat on the hood of it and afterwards it was like, you could have destroyed that car because it's aluminum.

[109] You can't sit on someone's hood when they've got a $300 ,000 car.

[110] I'm looking at you right now, son.

[111] You're laying on it.

[112] I was evenly distributing my weight.

[113] Oh, you're like a geisha.

[114] You wouldn't even crush a pea.

[115] I was laying upon it.

[116] It's like the princess and the pea.

[117] That's how it was.

[118] He sort of chastised me for that because I guess even a dent would mean we'd be paying for it.

[119] Yeah, man. You can't be fucking with a car like this.

[120] You're supposed to drive it gingerly.

[121] Did you go off the track at all?

[122] We did.

[123] He was driving and we tried to do this stunt where we pulled it onto a moving red carpet where you might be able to see it in a second.

[124] I'm watching you put nails out for somebody.

[125] That was for my car.

[126] We had him race my car, which is a 1990.

[127] It's a 2001 Honda Accord.

[128] Why did you have him blow out your tires?

[129] Oh, because.

[130] Why not, I guess, you know?

[131] Just for a TV show?

[132] Yeah, it's not like it's...

[133] That shit's dangerous, though, isn't it?

[134] He's a professional driver, so he had it.

[135] But he had no idea that you were going to do that to him?

[136] And it was really your car?

[137] He had some idea that something was going to happen.

[138] Oh, okay.

[139] Yeah.

[140] So he knew.

[141] They sign away everything.

[142] Of course, yeah.

[143] That's what they did on Fear Factor, too.

[144] You have to sign away everything.

[145] But so tell me the premise of the series because I'm seeing you right now.

[146] You got to drive this killer car.

[147] Yeah.

[148] And then you fuck up your car.

[149] It's pretty simple, the premise.

[150] It's one of those things where it's very simple.

[151] It's also kind of hard to explain.

[152] As soon as people see it, like, oh, I get it right away as soon as I see the video.

[153] But basically, I travel around the country and I drive or fly or go inside of different sort of weird vehicles like submarines or, you know, tanks, stunt planes, fighter jets, anything like that, all kinds of weird stuff.

[154] And I meet the guys who.

[155] own or operate or have built these things.

[156] And I kind of, you know, get to know him, get to know the vehicle, and then I learn how to drive.

[157] When you're driving this $300 ,000 car I'm watching now, you guys are driving it up a ramp onto a moving truck.

[158] Yeah, that's where we almost crashed.

[159] Oh my God, I'm watching it right now.

[160] It went sideways and spun out.

[161] Yeah, and he was freaked out.

[162] That was about...

[163] That was the dumbest idea ever.

[164] Not only that, the fucking ramp had a carpet on it.

[165] The carpet's sliding.

[166] We're trying to drive it on a moving red carpet.

[167] That is ridiculous.

[168] That's the big point of the show.

[169] It's like we do all these things that you're not supposed to do with these vehicles.

[170] So it's like Top Gear for retards.

[171] Yeah.

[172] I don't know about for retards.

[173] Not for retards.

[174] For me. My kind of retard.

[175] Not retarded like real Down syndrome, but retarded like I'm a retard.

[176] And the whole idea is that I really have no...

[177] I'm not a good driver.

[178] I'm not a professional driver.

[179] I don't really know I'm doing it all.

[180] You must be getting better all this driving, though.

[181] I'm getting better.

[182] I feel like I can operate.

[183] During these zombie apocalypse, I'll be able to jump into one of 36 different vehicles and operate them to plow people over.

[184] I think on a racetrack like this, like what you're here right now, this looks like a fucking fun place to drive a fast car.

[185] It was pretty fun.

[186] Having a fast car on the street is kind of stupid, you know, because if you crashed into somebody, God, you feel like such a douchebag.

[187] Yeah, you can't open it up either.

[188] You can't really let it out.

[189] Right, but having something like this, like you've got here on this track, that must be so much fun.

[190] I need to do that.

[191] That's something you need to do.

[192] You could probably easily do that.

[193] You could rent a track.

[194] Yeah.

[195] And you just rent a car?

[196] Right.

[197] Or you bring your own car.

[198] Yeah.

[199] I want to get like a nice Honda Civic, just ready to die Honda Civic and just destroy it, drive it to death.

[200] Now, you look like such a nice young man. You look like a very friendly, not violent, not crazy person.

[201] I'm a friendly guy.

[202] I'm a friendly guy.

[203] But you like to smash.

[204] I am.

[205] I definitely, there definitely is a, you don't necessarily get what you see with me fully.

[206] So a lot of people are shocked when I, you know, say fuck or something like that.

[207] Right.

[208] So, wait, who, what are you?

[209] So it's kind of cool for you hosting this show, you know?

[210] Yeah, it's really great because it's, to me it's, you know, I'm a stand -up comedian and stuff, so that's what I do normally, would be doing anyways, is just running my mouth.

[211] Right.

[212] So, and being a smartass, which is kind of the, what I do on the show.

[213] Essentially.

[214] We're actually doing a show tomorrow night together.

[215] We're both at the Hollywood Improv.

[216] This is like the ultimate promo show right here.

[217] For the Hollywood Improv.

[218] Yeah.

[219] It'll probably be sold out.

[220] So if you want tickets, you got to jump on that shit.

[221] They sell that place out every week.

[222] They have this thing called Comedy Juice.

[223] If you're ever in Hollywood and you're around on Wednesday nights, there's a 10 o 'clock show at the Improv.

[224] Very good.

[225] And they get some of the best comics in the world.

[226] Yeah, tomorrow is Natasha Leggero.

[227] Brent Weinbach.

[228] I don't think who else is doing it.

[229] They're both amazing.

[230] Yeah, there's a lot of good talent in Hollywood, and they need to work shit out, and that's where we usually go.

[231] Wednesday night at that place is a good place to work shit out.

[232] That's where I always go on Wednesdays.

[233] Whenever I go on the road, if I have to do a weekend, if I do a bunch of shows, I always want to knock the dust off first.

[234] I always want to do a Wednesday night show.

[235] That, to me, my shows always go better when I do something like that.

[236] So the improv is perfect for that.

[237] It's a great place to fuck around.

[238] Yeah.

[239] Better like a bar.

[240] A random bar.

[241] Yeah, these fucking...

[242] The problem with these bar places...

[243] Like these bar comedy shows that people are doing.

[244] Is it still a bar, man?

[245] Freddy Soto said it best.

[246] God bless his soul.

[247] He was, when he was like, God bless his soul, that Freddy.

[248] Sounded like my grandmother.

[249] He was an awesome dude.

[250] What else can you say?

[251] He's a great guy.

[252] He passed away years ago.

[253] But he would get offered all the time to do these comedy clubs.

[254] Like, not comedy clubs, rather, but a comedy show.

[255] A comedy night at McFuckle Hut.

[256] bar down the street and uh he would say no thank you i appreciate the offer but you know i only do comedy clubs that's really the really way you should do it you know it'd be nice i mean i wish i could say that but i mean i i feel like i owe a lot of my comedy to doing the learning how to do comedy in the worst place in the whole fucking universe which is the big fish bar and grill in glendale which we used to do a show my friend doug did a show there every Doug and Denver did each other every single Tuesday.

[257] And this was like, this was a total locals bar.

[258] Anyone who walked in there who was doing anything other than, who was, if you didn't know, if they didn't know you, they were like, look at you like you're crazy, let alone a fucking comedy show where half the comedians are open micers and stuff.

[259] And so it was really, that was like being purified through pain for like two years.

[260] So I feel like there's nothing.

[261] That is a good point.

[262] I went there once for a show and that's the only time I've ever been to this place.

[263] Tim and Tim and Eric did a set.

[264] They're on tour.

[265] This was like three years ago, four years ago.

[266] That's how I know them.

[267] I met them because they used to be hosted by Doug, one of my best friends, Doug Lesenhoff in Denver.

[268] Doug works on the Tim and Eric show.

[269] He's an editor and writer for the show.

[270] It's all coming together now.

[271] Hangout zone for them.

[272] Cool.

[273] So this Mega Drive show that you do, you've actually done fighter jets too, and you puked, didn't you, when you did it?

[274] I didn't puke in the fighter jet because this was the second thing we flew.

[275] The first thing was a stunt plane that did like, you can do every possible thing in the air that doesn't seem possible.

[276] He let me fly it too.

[277] He's like, here, you have the stick, you have control.

[278] So I'm sitting there like, really?

[279] He's like, yeah, just pull back.

[280] You pull back and you literally just does a loop, no problem.

[281] It's easier than a video game.

[282] But I did throw up in that thing all over the place.

[283] I did a loop in F .A. 18.

[284] Man. I did a whole run, a ride with the Blue Angels.

[285] It was one of the bits that I did in one of my past specials was about it, about how fucking crazy the experience is.

[286] But that ultimately pussy's better.

[287] No reason to really fly that fast.

[288] There's other shit you can do here that's way better.

[289] It's scary, but it's not like...

[290] The same thing.

[291] It's pretty intense, though.

[292] The physical demands.

[293] That's what freaked me out.

[294] I always thought, for some reason, that it was like driving a car.

[295] You know, that you just kind of steer and you hit the gas.

[296] And, you know, you never really get that far or that fast where there's a lot of G -force on your body.

[297] I mean, even if you really stop the gas, what is that?

[298] Like a tenth of your body weight coming at you?

[299] Like, wow, it really threw me back in my seat.

[300] You don't even know what throw you back in your seat is until you're in like a fucking fighter jet.

[301] You pull like 6G turn where you can't even move your arms and you have to do that.

[302] The special breathing signal passed out.

[303] I think I got to six and a half or seven Gs before I couldn't take anymore.

[304] That's the line right there.

[305] But it's good because I'm short because fighter pilots are supposed to be under six feet tall because the amount of pressure for them, it's so intense because the blood has to travel further to their brain.

[306] So they black out quicker.

[307] You do a thing called hooking, and this is what you really do.

[308] You hold onto your seatbelt or you hold onto the stick, and you go like this.

[309] Hoo -choo, hoo -choo, hoo -choo, hoo -choo.

[310] and you're forcing blood into your face.

[311] You're forcing it into your head.

[312] You're going, and this plane's going, the fucking pressure is insane.

[313] And it literally is like closing an elevator door.

[314] It's like your consciousness, you can see it black on both sides.

[315] I felt a little bit of that.

[316] You're fighting it off.

[317] This guy could go to 13 G's, the fighter pilot.

[318] That's fucking incredible.

[319] He goes to 13 G's without a pressure suit.

[320] They have suits where he can go more G's, but he wasn't wearing a G suit.

[321] The Blue Angels don't wear them, or they didn't at the time.

[322] Those little Red Bull racer planes, those things pull...

[323] Like 20 Gs regularly.

[324] How do you stay conscious?

[325] I don't get it.

[326] I mean, I think Skype is part of the G students, the training, it's all the...

[327] I don't know how you stay conscious.

[328] That's retarded.

[329] I went unconscious accidentally because there was more Gs than I expected.

[330] I did the higher thing, but then when we were coming in, we pulled this really hard one, and I don't know how many Gs it was, but I blacked out.

[331] Really?

[332] Yeah.

[333] How long were you out for?

[334] Like a second.

[335] Wow.

[336] I don't know.

[337] It wasn't long, but it was like, whoa.

[338] That's a crazy blackout to come back from.

[339] Like, whoa, what happened?

[340] What?

[341] He said I just went out for a couple seconds, but I felt it.

[342] I felt popping back on when the G -force leveled out.

[343] But it's because I didn't do the hooking thing.

[344] Did they do any of those 1G barrel rolls?

[345] We did everything.

[346] We did loops.

[347] We did this.

[348] We strafed this mountain canyon.

[349] And he simulated what it would be like if you were in Afghanistan.

[350] This was actually before the war.

[351] This was like 99.

[352] And he's simulating what it would be like.

[353] So we're going to go about 200, 300 feet above the ground.

[354] You cool with that?

[355] Oh, man. I'm like, 300 feet.

[356] That's a lot, right?

[357] We're good, right?

[358] All right, come on.

[359] Let's do this.

[360] Before you know it, this guy's like straight top gun.

[361] He's like one of those real guys, you know, real fucking fighter pilots.

[362] Yeah, they're all crazy.

[363] like that.

[364] We're going into the mountains like...

[365] going around these fucking...

[366] That shit's cool to me. 200 feet above the ground, man. Whipping through.

[367] It was so crazy.

[368] And then they have these targets.

[369] They do it out in the desert between Vegas and L .A. And they have these targets all laid out on the ground where they practice dropping shit on.

[370] So other, you know, at this Air Force base, other fighter jets, you know, the Blue Angels, I don't think they drop bombs.

[371] Yeah, they're just ex -fighter pilots.

[372] Yeah, but so they have like practice ranges, man. They're fucking dropping bombs out there in the desert.

[373] Like dummy bombs, you know.

[374] Working on their accuracy.

[375] There's one thing when I was in this Czechoslovakian fighter jet called an L -39.

[376] You can do this barrel roll where they keep it at gravity.

[377] They do it just enough to where it's the same amount of gravity you would feel on Earth, even though you're upside down.

[378] Wow.

[379] You could throw a ball in there and it would come back down.

[380] It's the same as on Earth because it's some sort of very regimented type of barrel roll where you're pulling out.

[381] You know that whole theory like in space stations?

[382] So you're completely upside down, but because of the momentum of the plane going down, you can be upside down and throw a ball up and it will come back.

[383] Right, right through your hand.

[384] I mean, they have to keep the roll going to maintain it.

[385] It's like, you know those spaceship designs with the giant wheel where they spin just enough to keep gravity on the outer rim?

[386] That's in 2001, isn't it?

[387] I think I've seen that.

[388] I think it's basically that.

[389] It's like centrifugal force or something like that.

[390] That's amazing.

[391] That was so cool.

[392] That was really cool.

[393] Just the fact that someone figured that you could do that and then they tried it out and then they figured out exactly how to pull it off.

[394] And in formation.

[395] Upside down, throwing something up in the air and it comes right back to you just as if you were right side up.

[396] Wow.

[397] That's fucking nuts.

[398] It was cool.

[399] I don't know if I would be...

[400] I don't have enough self -control to be doing a show like that.

[401] I would do something stupid.

[402] I did take a couple of shits in the woods when I had to.

[403] When you had to?

[404] Yeah, that's about it.

[405] And you've wrecked a few things, though.

[406] You've actually have...

[407] Wrecked a couple things.

[408] MTV has...

[409] They have their full episodes on MTV, but they also have this whole thing where the things you've wrecked.

[410] Would you wreck?

[411] Tell them.

[412] Like, wreck, wrecked, I guess it's kind of different levels.

[413] The very first day we shot was...

[414] Is that like Rape Rape?

[415] Yeah.

[416] I don't know.

[417] I mean, it was just the head.

[418] It wasn't like the full...

[419] No, wreck, wrecked.

[420] And it didn't destroy anything.

[421] Nothing was like...

[422] destroyed like okay it's totaled but the very first day i crashed an aerial atom That was totally by accident because I was trying to, you know, go a little faster, Johnny, on this curve so it looks better.

[423] I'm like, okay, fine.

[424] What's an aerial atom?

[425] It's this little race car.

[426] It's an open air.

[427] It's basically a fucking go -kart with a really big Honda engine in it.

[428] What?

[429] That's so sick.

[430] It goes so fast.

[431] It's tiny.

[432] It's a cage, just basically a cage around wheels.

[433] It's ridiculous.

[434] And they have exposed all the suspension and everything is exposed.

[435] So it's just the wheels and these rods and shit and, you know, this little cone of a body.

[436] It's super fast.

[437] There's nothing there.

[438] And it goes like 060 faster than any street legal car.

[439] Did you hurt yourself doing that?

[440] No, I was super.

[441] I mean, so lucky.

[442] It's only like, you know, total stroke of luck where I happened to hit the very last few inches of the warning guard that has like a bunch of tires stacked up.

[443] So we ran into these tires, which are soft and cushiony, but just a few.

[444] It was inches.

[445] The wheel got hung up inches away from where it would have smashed into this big metal galvanized steel guardrail.

[446] Wow.

[447] That would have fucked you up, too, right?

[448] In that little thing?

[449] We're only going like 30 or 40, but it probably would have fucked us up a little bit.

[450] At least it would have fucked the machine up, and I would have been sort of in trouble.

[451] So you get in trouble if you crash, but you're not supposed to know what you're doing.

[452] That's the thing.

[453] It's like I don't get in trouble.

[454] It's actually like...

[455] MTV gets in trouble, but the producers are like, thank you.

[456] Thank you for doing that.

[457] Really?

[458] So they're happy there's controversy because that'll get more people to watch it.

[459] Yeah, it's more fun when stuff happens.

[460] Do they give you instruction?

[461] Like, hey, don't get crazy.

[462] Go out there and do this.

[463] Or what do they say to you?

[464] I mean, in general, it's sort of like, just have fun, but try not to kill anybody.

[465] So they have meetings with you?

[466] Like, all right, Johnny, I want to make sure we're all on the same page here.

[467] We have safety meetings.

[468] It's like, these are where the cameras are going to be.

[469] These are where you don't go over there.

[470] I'm always on walkie for the most time.

[471] So it's pretty safe.

[472] At the same time, it's also...

[473] That sounds like a cool -ass show, though.

[474] Yeah, it was incredibly fun to make.

[475] It was also really scary sometimes.

[476] It sounds like a more interesting idea than the Top Gear show.

[477] I love that show.

[478] I think that Jeremy Clarkson guy is hilarious.

[479] Yeah, he's really great.

[480] I guess there's an American version that's coming out.

[481] Yeah, they're making one now.

[482] But Jeremy Clarkson is so awesome.

[483] I don't know why you would need to make an American version.

[484] But the point is that he's at his best when he's reviewing crazy cars.

[485] But they have to review a lot of shit.

[486] They do.

[487] cars.

[488] They spend a lot of their time reviewing trucks and shit.

[489] This is a minivan, and here's why it's silly.

[490] That's not interesting to me. I want to see him in Ferraris.

[491] When he's in Ferraris, it's awesome.

[492] He's screaming.

[493] The guy legitimately, he's in his 50s, legitimately loves cars.

[494] You can so sing it.

[495] He's singing it when he's in the car.

[496] He's yelling out.

[497] He loves it.

[498] It makes it fun.

[499] People love...

[500] Anything that goes forward on wheels at all.

[501] They freak out about it.

[502] We went to this rally in, where was it?

[503] Like someplace in Florida.

[504] Tarpon Springs, Florida, I think.

[505] And they have these swamp buggies.

[506] I've never seen this in my life.

[507] They look like a giant rocket.

[508] We'll have these flat wheels on each side.

[509] And they can go 70 miles an hour in like four feet of standing water.

[510] Wow.

[511] Like, what the fuck?

[512] There's like thousands of people here, thousands of rednecks going crazy in these campgrounds around this mud bog.

[513] And they have all these different heats and races.

[514] It must be like...

[515] a couple hundred, maybe at least a hundred of these things there.

[516] I've never even heard of it in my entire life yet.

[517] This is like someone's life.

[518] $200 ,000 on this thing.

[519] This is not so far removed from some sort of a fucking scene in the Hobbit movie where you stumble upon some strange village of a bunch of weirdos doing something that no one ever expected.

[520] I felt very out of place there.

[521] I had like some...

[522] Yeah, it was just constantly, I felt like the hills have eyes.

[523] All these people are looking at me like, look at that boy down there.

[524] We're going to cut him up.

[525] We got a bagging on the march around here.

[526] I felt a little bit intimidated.

[527] There's a lot of those people out there.

[528] Oh, yeah.

[529] That's what people don't realize because they're not represented that well in the media, but there's a fucking lot of them.

[530] There's more than us.

[531] Yeah, most likely.

[532] Totally.

[533] Yeah, right?

[534] Definitely.

[535] Well, that was where I got an accident during that shoot, actually.

[536] I was driving this little, weird, different kind of mud buggy.

[537] It doesn't go as fast.

[538] The thing doesn't have brakes.

[539] By some special invention of the clutch and gas, you can...

[540] downshift to make it stop.

[541] I totally forgot that.

[542] I was leaving the water and I smashed right into this guy's brand new F -350 or something like that.

[543] Brand new.

[544] I smashed right into it.

[545] All of a sudden, people started coming out of the woods and were like, what did this guy do over here?

[546] Get a rope!

[547] New York City, get a rope!

[548] I thought I was going to get lynched on these redneck campgrounds in Florida.

[549] But luckily I got, yeah.

[550] Do you have like bodyguards or any kind of security on the staff to just in case help you?

[551] Not at all.

[552] I mean.

[553] Not even one?

[554] There's.

[555] There's PAs and stuff, obviously, but who knows if they would be able to stop the redneck mob that wanted to destroy me for hitting the truck.

[556] But everything worked out.

[557] We settled up with them and everything, but it was a little scary for about 15 seconds.

[558] I was like, this is...

[559] So I'm strapped into this thing.

[560] Goddamn, dude.

[561] Yeah, it was a little spooky.

[562] I think that's on next week's episode.

[563] I'm pretty sure, yeah.

[564] Was that the most freaked out you ever were?

[565] No, I guess the most freaked out was probably with this crane.

[566] Yeah.

[567] Okay, that's a good preface with that.

[568] The crane, because there's like a man basket or a man bucket that they call these, the thing, you know, like the cherry picker, like to send the guy up to wherever.

[569] So this is a cherry picker.

[570] It's like, you know, 10 times as high.

[571] Fuck, how high?

[572] Well, this thing can go like 1 ,000 feet or something like that.

[573] But I wasn't that high.

[574] Dude, there was a video of these Russian kids.

[575] Have you seen that video of these kids?

[576] 900 feet on this building construction.

[577] They're walking out on these beams.

[578] Yes.

[579] Are those like the parkour kids, kind of, or no?

[580] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. These are just kids that were just standing there.

[581] It was so high up, they were just standing.

[582] And they're standing on these beams.

[583] And you can't watch it without making a walnut -crushing motion with your asshole.

[584] You know, you just tighten up and like, oh.

[585] Oh, my God.

[586] Just watching the video is such a fucking freak out.

[587] I've seen a video like that where it was either hiking or bike riding on these small paths on the side of this mountain.

[588] And the guy had a cam on him where he's just walking thousands and thousands of feet up.

[589] And then you could just see holes in the stone.

[590] Oh, my God.

[591] I forget that.

[592] There's something about heights that really, really freaks people out.

[593] It's like nature's trying to tell you, hey, stupid, don't go anywhere fucking near that.

[594] You can't get used to it.

[595] I mean, you can get used to it.

[596] But if you are used to it, there's something.

[597] Yeah.

[598] Weird about that.

[599] You got issues, son.

[600] Yeah.

[601] There's something wrong with you.

[602] I could look out a window of the second floor and I'd get scared.

[603] Yeah, that's terrifying.

[604] So you were higher than that.

[605] So this was at 900 feet.

[606] Were you that high?

[607] There was two different things.

[608] I was about maybe 200 feet when I was in this Peter Pan costume.

[609] And I was like flying over this lumber yard fucking with people.

[610] And I also did this thing where I pretended to be a guy who worked there.

[611] And I kept descending from the roof taking people's receipts.

[612] And there are different things.

[613] It was like a little...

[614] kind of drop -in maneuver in the exit of the building.

[615] That was fun.

[616] 200 feet.

[617] Yeah, but that was in a harness with an invisible cable.

[618] So that was pretty fucking scary.

[619] Are those comfortable at all?

[620] It was really uncomfortable, but it's...

[621] I feel like it would be a serious ball crusher.

[622] It wasn't as much a ball crusher as it was like a chest and body crusher.

[623] Really?

[624] It also feels nice, though.

[625] When it's tight, because if it's not tight, it's like, you know, you can't feel anything.

[626] Fuck, that has to be so crazy.

[627] So you're just wearing some suit with wires attached to the suit.

[628] Yeah.

[629] And it's connecting you to, how long is the wire?

[630] The wire, I mean, I don't know, probably 100 feet or so.

[631] Fuck, 100 feet of wire and you're 200 feet above the ground.

[632] Yeah, something like that.

[633] I mean, I would drop down to the ground and stuff, but at one point I was...

[634] Pretty hot.

[635] Maybe not 200 feet.

[636] It's tough to say because it's 60 feet and 200 feet.

[637] They're all kind of the same because you're all pretty much going to die if you fall.

[638] Your brain stops caring after a certain point, I think.

[639] We used to do these stunts on Fear Factor where we would have these people walk across beams across two buildings.

[640] And to this day, thinking about looking over those edges, just thinking about it.

[641] Every now and then I'd look over the edge.

[642] Just thinking about that right now makes my whole body go, What the fuck are you doing?

[643] What the fuck are you doing?

[644] Get away from there.

[645] It's so unnatural.

[646] It's such a primal feeling.

[647] It's your body going, no stupid.

[648] Get away from there.

[649] Anytime I'm in a hotel over a certain amount of floors, it's just freaky.

[650] I cannot do that shit.

[651] I like it though.

[652] I think it's kind of, I enjoy it, but I like being scared.

[653] You enjoy the rush?

[654] Yeah, I like freaking this shit out of myself.

[655] Are you a daredevil with other things?

[656] Do you do like skateboarding or anything other crazy?

[657] No condom?

[658] Not really.

[659] Only in me. Right.

[660] I used to do a lot of rock climbing stuff as a kid and bungee jumping and crap, but I feel like, honestly, I feel like when I started doing comedy, that like sort of, I stopped doing that stuff because I feel like comedy is one of the best, Best rushes there is.

[661] Yeah.

[662] I feel like that's way better than almost anything.

[663] And it'll only kill your soul.

[664] Right, yeah.

[665] It won't kill your body.

[666] I saw a video of a dude bungee jumping once, and that was it for me. He miscalculated the amount of bungee he needed, and he hit the fucking ground hard.

[667] Did he die?

[668] No. It was even worse than dying, because his whole body was just broken.

[669] And he's screaming in agony, and then he bounces and hits it again.

[670] Fuck.

[671] And then he's screaming in agony.

[672] He's just broken.

[673] Broken arms, broken leg.

[674] I mean, he hits this motherfucker hard.

[675] He hits rocks.

[676] He's wearing a camera.

[677] Oh, shit.

[678] So it's all on camera.

[679] At least they got it on camera.

[680] It's horrendous.

[681] Just the pain that this guy's feeling.

[682] You can tell when he hits a second time.

[683] Because he's already broken everything in his fucking body on the first one.

[684] Because the bungee cord didn't really break.

[685] He basically jumped off a bridge.

[686] And just, you know, it really didn't stop him at all.

[687] So this motherfucker slams the ground with three quarters of whatever velocity that you would normally have.

[688] So he's jacked.

[689] Everything's broken.

[690] He bounces up in the air.

[691] And then when he hits it again, the, oh, my God, why me?

[692] He said that?

[693] No, but you can.

[694] feel that.

[695] You know what I'm saying?

[696] It's like, no way!

[697] And that was it for me. I was like, no bungee jumping, thank you very much.

[698] This woman that worked with my dad a while back was always trying to get him to do skydiving.

[699] So he was actually considering it until she died.

[700] She died skydiving.

[701] The parachute malfunction and then I guess the backup parachute tangled in with the other parachute or something and she just died.

[702] She died of a cliche.

[703] God damn, that's fucking scary.

[704] How often does that happen?

[705] I think it happens a lot more than you think because you would think you would hear about that on the news if that was to happen.

[706] Everybody's like, yeah, you got two parachutes.

[707] What are you worried about?

[708] Right.

[709] Oh, nothing.

[710] Just falling from 10 ,000 feet slowly.

[711] I did bungee jumping in Switzerland once and it was in the mountains in this chasm, like this chasm over this freezing cold river.

[712] It's off a little bridge and it was like...

[713] I'm going to do this.

[714] It was my birthday.

[715] It was my friend.

[716] You know, we're traveling.

[717] So I did it, and it was fucking awesome.

[718] I found out afterwards, though, we're talking to the guy after, you know, the guy who ran the whole operation.

[719] I was like, yeah, so how long has this set up been here?

[720] He's like, eight days.

[721] like fucking eight days we're like maybe like in the the tens of people who've been off this thing wow he's like oh no we tested it out a lot we tested it out of time we put like body armor on stuff and like oh my god and then he said like this is the closest jump at that time in existence that you came closest to the rocks than any other bungee jump.

[722] Oh, that seems like a good idea.

[723] But I wish I'm glad I learned it afterwards, not before it.

[724] Oh, my God.

[725] It was still great.

[726] That was incredible.

[727] And there's a great picture of me. You know how you're supposed to do this with your hands as you go down?

[728] Somehow, instinctively, I'm just grabbing my fucking balls.

[729] And even though I'm head down, grabbing my balls.

[730] That's the picture of me bungee jumping.

[731] Wow.

[732] Yeah.

[733] That's fucked up.

[734] Joe, here's a fun fact about Johnny.

[735] He does not have a butthole.

[736] I have a butthole.

[737] But you got it removed.

[738] No. Jesus Christ.

[739] You got this all wrong.

[740] That right there.

[741] Someone edit this.

[742] Someone cut and paste this somewhere.

[743] This is the classic Brian moment.

[744] Well, I think...

[745] This is how rumors get started.

[746] I've never heard that in my entire life.

[747] That's pretty incredible.

[748] Remember that song, Rumors?

[749] This is how rumors get started.

[750] Started by jealous people.

[751] It should say jealous people and Brian.

[752] Because Brian would just start making shit up.

[753] Well, what I said is I don't have a colon.

[754] I don't have a colon.

[755] I do have a sphincter and everything works fine.

[756] You don't have a colon?

[757] I don't have a colon.

[758] I had an ulcerative colitis for about 10 years or so.

[759] And maybe a little more than that, I guess.

[760] Yeah, about 10 years.

[761] And if you have ulcerative colitis, which is like a horrible...

[762] disease of your colon your large intestine it's like it makes it all uh so you have to shit all the time and like really fast and it's just generally bad wow so i had that for a long time but if you have Ulcerative colitis for a long time.

[763] The thing is, the longer you have it, the chances of you getting colon cancer are like triple every single year.

[764] So the idea is that you get it taken out and then it's better because you don't have like this fucking shitty, shitty organ.

[765] The puns are like limitless.

[766] So how does it change the way your body functions, the way your digestive system works?

[767] I mean, basically, it changes a lot of things, but it doesn't change that much from how it was.

[768] because it's actually a lot better.

[769] I still poop out of my asshole, but I just get dehydrated probably faster than other people.

[770] How rude if you describe it that way.

[771] Isn't it funny that there's rude ways to say things like that?

[772] I guess I could say this.

[773] I still defecate from my anus.

[774] I still pass stool from my anal sphincter.

[775] muscle.

[776] So where does it go?

[777] What's the primary use?

[778] I'm ignorant.

[779] The primary use of your colon is one, to extract water, hydrate you.

[780] It extracts water for your body, which your body needs water.

[781] It also extracts a lot of vitamin D, I think vitamin A, maybe something else.

[782] Generally, it just aids in digestion, like extracting the stuff from your food that your body uses.

[783] It's not like...

[784] It's not necessary to have, obviously, because I'm still alive right now.

[785] But it definitely is a good thing to have if it works.

[786] I mean, I'd probably go to the bathroom.

[787] I've probably been in the bathroom more in my life than you guys will ever in your entire fucking life.

[788] So how often do you take dumps?

[789] Depends.

[790] It depends.

[791] It depends on what I eat and how much I've been drinking.

[792] What's the average number a day?

[793] God, I don't know.

[794] It's so hard to think about this because it's like so...

[795] Dude, if you say for like 50, I'm just going to...

[796] No, no, no. If you just get up in the middle of this show to take a shit, it would be so awkward.

[797] I'll probably...

[798] I'll do it for you if I...

[799] I might be able to drum something up.

[800] I just want to be clear about this.

[801] If you're doing it, you're doing it for you.

[802] Yeah.

[803] Okay, I won't take a shit for you guys, I promise.

[804] You can't tell a man. I'm going to take a shit for you.

[805] Guys, I got a good one, ready to go.

[806] I'm going to take a shit and it's just for you.

[807] It's got your name on it.

[808] I'm going to write your fucking name.

[809] I bet there's probably someone out there that would say something like that.

[810] There's a guy, you know?

[811] Once I've met a guy like Joey Diaz, I know that there's guys out there that you could never...

[812] You couldn't draw them.

[813] Right.

[814] Yeah.

[815] Yeah.

[816] They exist.

[817] He's an interesting guy.

[818] He's as interesting as they come.

[819] So now, where your colon was before, do you have a hole?

[820] Like, do you feel there's a place missing?

[821] Or does everything sort of fill in?

[822] No. Yeah, it all kind of fills in.

[823] Your body just sort of like, you know, it's like a sack of flour.

[824] Everything just settles at the bottom, I guess.

[825] Whoa, that's weird looking at your body.

[826] I did have a colostomy bag for like 12 weeks.

[827] Phew.

[828] You have to have two surgeries.

[829] You have them...

[830] They have to separate them because they have to take everything down and they have to build you a fake colon.

[831] In my case, it's called the J -Pouch, and that's not because my name is Johnny.

[832] It's actually called the fucking J -Pouch, ironically enough.

[833] That's your pet name.

[834] Yeah, my J -Pouch down there.

[835] That's what she is.

[836] That's my pet name from my synthetic colon.

[837] That's Jenny.

[838] Old Jenny.

[839] Jenny the J -Pack.

[840] Tell you what, Jenny takes a lot of shit down there.

[841] She does.

[842] A lot of people would say, man, it's kind of degrading, shitting on a girl like that.

[843] But I don't see it like that.

[844] We're helping each other.

[845] She's helping me. I'm helping her.

[846] It's nothing degrading about this.

[847] It's just nature.

[848] Just, you know, it's a symbiotic relationship.

[849] It's like a clownfish and an anemone.

[850] I only met one person ever that had one of those, and it was very strange.

[851] A colostomy bag?

[852] Yeah.

[853] They are incredibly strange.

[854] It's the kind of thing where it's the most bizarre thing ever.

[855] And there's people who live with them.

[856] That's their life, is they have a colostomy bag.

[857] And those kind of, I just can't.

[858] Like, for me, it was always like, this is, you know, one more week, two more, you know, sort of thing.

[859] So it was.

[860] Pretty easy to bear, and I was just, you know, I was pretty young.

[861] I was living at home, so I didn't have to worry about anything.

[862] But god damn, if you had to actually do shit with that, if you had to actually...

[863] Now, did you, after you had all these health issues, did you radically alter your diet?

[864] Did you try to start eating healthier food or try to...

[865] Yeah, I mean, well, the thing is, it's like with colitis, even, you have to, like, be careful because...

[866] Your body isn't digesting almost anything.

[867] Really?

[868] Do you have a very limited menu of things you can eat?

[869] I don't eat really spicy stuff.

[870] I take a lot of fiber.

[871] I can consult on fiber for an hour.

[872] You can have me on here as a fiber consultant.

[873] Really?

[874] Yeah, so I think fiber is very important.

[875] It's very important for everybody, right?

[876] It's super.

[877] I eat a lot of lettuce and a lot of broccoli, and I take these awesome shits.

[878] They're so satisfying.

[879] They just come out like, ah.

[880] It's your body thinking.

[881] Plop, plop, plop, plop, plop.

[882] So easy.

[883] But if I just eat, like, nothing but meat for days.

[884] Super bad.

[885] Yeah.

[886] It just comes out, like, just like your body's trying to push out poison.

[887] Because it is poison, yeah.

[888] Just ribs, barbecued ribs and sausage and shit.

[889] Like, before the show, I came so close.

[890] There's an Italian deli not too far away from here that has this amazing sausage sub, sausage with peppers.

[891] And I know it's terrible.

[892] It's terrible for you.

[893] It smells so good.

[894] And you can't get those here in California.

[895] This place is called Cavaretta's if you're in the valley.

[896] There's no place like that on the West Coast.

[897] You don't get like real Italian subs, like a real sausage with peppers, with grilled peppers.

[898] Peppers and eggs?

[899] Oh, you're fucking kidding me, son.

[900] Peppers and eggs.

[901] That's an East Coast thing.

[902] Peppers and eggs, yeah.

[903] Sounds like a horrible accommodation.

[904] Really?

[905] Peppers and eggs.

[906] You can't get peppers and eggs here, John.

[907] You can't get peppers and eggs.

[908] It's true.

[909] It doesn't seem very good to me, though.

[910] Peppers and eggs is probably the worst thing I could possibly eat.

[911] Yeah, terrible for you.

[912] Hot peppers and eggs.

[913] Do you try to consume your nutrients in juice form?

[914] Do you try to drink a lot of juices?

[915] I don't know.

[916] I try to eat a lot of dried fruit and a lot of oatmeal and a lot of whole grain pancakes.

[917] So you're just all about super fiber shit.

[918] Yeah, but at the same time, I'm also really bad.

[919] I eat all kinds of horrible stuff, and it's always this idea where, well, I know this is going to...

[920] It can make me feel like shit, but it's like, whatever.

[921] I'm not going to...

[922] Everything has a consequence, I feel like.

[923] I knew this dude who had diabetes, and every now and then he would go off and eat crazy sugar and have just this fucking horrible insulin failure moment.

[924] See, that's different.

[925] You can kill yourself with that.

[926] I'm not going to kill myself if I eat hot wings.

[927] Dude would just go off every now and then.

[928] Just couldn't take it.

[929] Just go off and just jack his body.

[930] Go off the rails.

[931] Fill it up with the delicious poison.

[932] Did your farts change at all?

[933] That's actually a great question.

[934] Brian, I'm glad you brought that.

[935] That was a great question.

[936] You're fucking dead serious, folks.

[937] Farts.

[938] Dead serious.

[939] Really, I don't actually do a lot of farting anymore because it's one of those things where if your bowels have been sort of operated upon or messed with in any way like that, you...

[940] You kind of lose the ability to tell shit from a fart.

[941] So, in general, you typically just choose not to fart.

[942] Oh, my God.

[943] Then roll the dice of it.

[944] Wow.

[945] You don't know when farts are coming.

[946] That's crazy.

[947] Well, I mean, I do and I don't.

[948] I do and I don't.

[949] That might be the most difficult thing to describe ever to someone who knows exactly what you're talking about is that feeling that you have where you know the difference between shit and a fart.

[950] I mean, I know the difference.

[951] I don't always know.

[952] I had the problem the other...

[953] I think I already talked about it on the podcast once...

[954] As a joke, I was in front of my girlfriend.

[955] I put my hand there and I farted in my hand.

[956] You shit in your hand?

[957] And I shit in my hand.

[958] I was like, excuse me, I'll be right back.

[959] Oh, wow.

[960] And it was supposed to be as a joke, and then she knew exactly what happened, and I did it in front of her completely naked.

[961] So hilarious.

[962] You shit your own hand.

[963] I'll tell you what, the people who have the best shitting stories in the whole world are anyone who's ever done the Peace Corps in Africa.

[964] Oh, man. Those people, I've never heard such crazy things in my entire life.

[965] I read a horrible story on MixedMartialArts .com.

[966] There's two forums on MixedMartialArts .com.

[967] One of them is the underground, which is all MMA -type stuff, and the other one is the underground.

[968] other ground and the other ground is like anything any subject and one of the stories was about this poor couple that went to africa and they were in cape town they were in this really nice area but the girl wanted to go see the real africa oh no so that's the bad bad phrase yeah that's what she did she saw the real africa they went and they they went into this town and they got carjacked and they kicked the driver and the man out of the car kept the woman and then they shot her in the head oh so they killed her they killed her Oh, God.

[969] Yeah, and they found out that the driver was in on it.

[970] Of course.

[971] That the driver called ahead and set it up.

[972] Wow.

[973] And that they weren't supposed to, I don't know if they were supposed to kill or not.

[974] He says they weren't, but...

[975] That's weird.

[976] I think they would at least rape her first.

[977] Well, at first they were saying that they thought she was sexually assaulted, but then they kept saying that she wasn't sexually assaulted.

[978] But that could easily be they don't want people to know that she was sexually assaulted, so they're not releasing all the information out of respect to the girl's family or something like that.

[979] It's a public release.

[980] I don't know.

[981] The whole thing is fucking crazy, though.

[982] The whole thing is...

[983] That part of the world...

[984] It's completely wild.

[985] And I don't think a lot of people are aware of it.

[986] The idea that the apocalypse is going to happen and it's going to be some giant event that takes place.

[987] Like, boom, here's the apocalypse.

[988] No, the apocalypse sort of is us being aware of how fucked up parts of this world are.

[989] Like, horrific.

[990] horror movie, John Carpenter zombie type shit.

[991] That's what Africa is.

[992] There's parts of Africa, like Liberia.

[993] We talked about this on the show before, where there's rampant cannibalism.

[994] There's this VBS