252 - The Great La-Z-Boy Uprising: Advice Q&A

[0] This is exactly right.

[1] And welcome to my favorite murder.

[2] That's Georgia Heartstar.

[3] That's Karen Kilgarath.

[4] I was going to call it a maxisode.

[5] I think we've gone into that whole joke.

[6] Yeah.

[7] But it's one too many times.

[8] I mean, we're going to have to start recycling our hilarious jokes because what else to do you?

[9] Because there's only 12.

[10] That's right.

[11] And there's only...

[12] And three of them are period jokes.

[13] Listen, if you want this to go 10 years, you're going to have to hear some of the same jokes.

[14] Hold on.

[15] Who wants it to go 10 years?

[16] Wait a second.

[17] Wait a second.

[18] What are we doing?

[19] Six and three quarters or so.

[20] A hard.

[21] Really interesting right now.

[22] Say how many years you think it's going to go.

[23] Shit.

[24] Two.

[25] 15.

[26] Oh.

[27] Somewhere in between two and 15 then.

[28] Is that the queen on your mug?

[29] Okay, great.

[30] 13.

[31] That's perfect.

[32] Is the queen on your mug?

[33] Is that what?

[34] The queen?

[35] Oh, no. No, this is one of, um, this is a, thing that I've always thought was hilarious.

[36] It's a line of cards by someone named Anne Tainter.

[37] I don't know if that's a real person or not.

[38] Yeah.

[39] But it's like she says it's a 50s picture and it's like you can lead a horse to water but I need a triple espresso.

[40] It's very much like office humor.

[41] I love those.

[42] It's like not an old timey lady with a like I'm going to kill your husband's kind of thing.

[43] Yeah.

[44] I found a card from my mom and it said it's a lady that looks like she's from the 40s it looks like it was taken from a cigarette ad and then it's this typewritten thing over it that says maybe I want to look cheap from my mom can I just say that's the last thing that I would think that you would be into like I don't know why I don't know why I find it delightful and oftentimes this line especially this one's a little muted usually it's more the comedy is more along those lines and it just always makes me laugh there's like magnets yeah you find them in like Madison on like the main dragon those like those like hipster kind of alternative stores that have tons of gifts and socks and yes like prayer candles but with like share on it or whatever exactly and like these are like you like retro stuff but you also like a sharp sense of humor it's that thing and I had this friend that I used to work with Karen Anderson and finally one day she goes you love that don't you and I was just like what do you mean And every time it was her birthday, anything, I always got her that card.

[45] I was always giving her those magnets.

[46] And she's just like, yeah, you're really into this.

[47] And I'd never noticed before that it was just this weird kind of go -to thing that I have.

[48] That makes my life so much easier as far as giving gifts to you because I would never have gotten you one of those because I'd be like, she thinks this is cheesy.

[49] But I've seen you with like a couple different versions of it thinking like someone must have given it to you and you just kept it.

[50] But that's good to know.

[51] But, like, it's like when someone gives me something, I was trying to, like, look at it, like, what are they trying to, you know, it's almost like a person going, this is what you seem like to me. Oh, yeah.

[52] And so you can't really deny it.

[53] In fact, I'm pretty sure a listener gave me this month.

[54] I've seen them for sure backstage at live shows.

[55] Someone is giving you, like, a makeup bag that says that on it or something.

[56] Maybe I want to look cheap.

[57] I don't know.

[58] I think it's funny.

[59] I'm a fan.

[60] I love that.

[61] That is so true about gift giving.

[62] It's like someone saw a thing and thought of you, whether it made them think she'll laugh at this or she'll cry at this or it's like when you get a black cat and then for the rest of your life, your family gives you black cat stuff.

[63] For example, my sister is she only gets black cat stuff now.

[64] I'm most driver insane.

[65] Yeah.

[66] No, I think she's still doing it.

[67] Is she really?

[68] Oh, good.

[69] She's never been mean enough to tell me. My mom got into chickens and four years in, she was like, if I ever fucking see a chicken again, I'm going to lose my mind.

[70] My mom, penguins.

[71] That's all we got or is penguin shit.

[72] You say you like one animal and that's the fucking rest of your life.

[73] You're done for.

[74] Also because then I think people have like a natural like, oh, it's fun to get a person a thing if you see the thing they love.

[75] Like this will make them happy.

[76] That's a nice idea.

[77] Meanwhile, you're over there with your penguins surrounding you going.

[78] I like other things as well.

[79] You're up to your fucking beak and penguin shit at that point.

[80] I've seen that movie.

[81] I know.

[82] Yes.

[83] The goddamn figurines are everywhere.

[84] They're all over the place.

[85] What's up?

[86] How are we?

[87] What do people give you as gifts?

[88] Let's see.

[89] Vince gets like, Vince is really good at it.

[90] It's annoying.

[91] What does he get me?

[92] Is he the kind of person that listens to stuff you say six months before Christmas or the holidays and then writes it down and then you're getting it as a gift?

[93] Yes.

[94] Do you know how stressful that is?

[95] a person who's kind of bad at gifts.

[96] And I can't keep a see.

[97] I gave him a gift today.

[98] Okay.

[99] I got something.

[100] For Hanukkah?

[101] For Christmas.

[102] I mean, he celebrates Christmas, but I was like, you need this today instead of in two weeks.

[103] So, you know, he, we've gotten like to this place in the quarantine where it's like no one's going to be in our house for a while.

[104] So let's just be comfortable.

[105] So we took out the like, you know, mid -century modern West Elm like beautiful chair.

[106] And he got a straight of.

[107] lazy boy like called the company and was like give me a lazy boy so yes which is like kind of killed me a little inside as someone who's very like stylistic you know how like everything in my house yes thank you that's exactly right there's a really like when he moved in when he moved in with me partly i'm sure had to do with the fact that he had moved to l .a with no possessions at all so i was like sure you can fit in my house with all my things but like sure bringing your like you're like college fucking coffee table or whatever yeah that one ikea bookshelf that's either white black or fake wood right that i have to do like no it fits right in um so now a lazy boy i feel like they now understand that people want the comfort and the style and they've updated their shit this isn't one of those okay yes they do have some good ones but you know he wanted it like you know he and his dad used to have them and it reminds me it was dad.

[108] So it's like special.

[109] And also Kristen Bell does ads for them.

[110] The actress.

[111] So I'm like, well, if she says it's okay, then I'm okay with it.

[112] Yeah.

[113] So we got him that.

[114] And now I'm just like getting him Christmas accessories for the like lazy boy to like build off of it.

[115] Sure.

[116] You need a little side table.

[117] Yep.

[118] Where you can put his beer.

[119] Yeah.

[120] And like a little pouch where you can put his computer and his like joints.

[121] And it's a TV guide.

[122] That he can reach it.

[123] So that's, it really is that, I mean, that really is, if you are into retro stuff, and that is very retro, that is like 1975, in my opinion.

[124] No, you're totally right.

[125] Wait, is it a Nogahide, like a brown Nogahide chair that reclines?

[126] No, it's like, it's one of those.

[127] I don't know what Nogahide is.

[128] Fake leather.

[129] No, it's like corduroy.

[130] It's like blue corduroy, like straight up.

[131] And it's so.

[132] And is that the one he had at his dad's house?

[133] It must be, yeah.

[134] And it's like, it's puffy.

[135] It's like the bottom line.

[136] Like he didn't want a fancy one.

[137] He wanted like the cheapest kind.

[138] It's so loud when he has to like, you know, the leg thing.

[139] And then you put the leg down.

[140] It's like clunk like scares the cats.

[141] Yep.

[142] That's the declaration.

[143] You're either going back for the evening.

[144] You're coming down to go do something.

[145] And now he's never on the couch with me. So like sometimes I have to feel like, can you just come sit next to me?

[146] We haven't touched in like three days.

[147] And he's like, I will in a half an hour.

[148] I just need to keep.

[149] my legs up in the air.

[150] It's pretty cool.

[151] I definitely use it when he's not around.

[152] Yeah, they really, I feel like the lazy boys.

[153] It's a, it's an American tradition for a reason.

[154] Yes.

[155] We had a green Nogahide one, which is, you know, just green fake leather, all of green fake leather that we used to fight over.

[156] And then when my mom got home, it was like everyone had to clear the area.

[157] Nice.

[158] That was her, that was her spot.

[159] That's awesome that everyone was like, no one tries to take it from mom.

[160] She's a fucking nurse.

[161] First of all.

[162] Oh, yeah.

[163] And she's been on the field all day.

[164] And she'll fucking, she'll freeze you with her eyes.

[165] So you had, you, you, you just have already learned your lesson about that.

[166] But yeah, I love that.

[167] That's fun.

[168] Yeah.

[169] So that's it.

[170] That's it.

[171] That's it.

[172] Thanks for listening to our podcast.

[173] We'll see you in 13 years.

[174] When we took our last episode.

[175] What do we took a 13 year hiatus?

[176] Hey.

[177] How many quilts do we have left?

[178] What do you got?

[179] What are you doing watching?

[180] Well, loving.

[181] Oh, well, we have to talk about the final episode of murder on Middle Beach.

[182] Is it murder in Middle Beach or on Middle Beach?

[183] I think it's on.

[184] Why, though?

[185] There's no beach involved in that TV show.

[186] In Middle Beach?

[187] And the name of the town is Madison.

[188] It's on.

[189] It's on.

[190] It's on, Stephen.

[191] Murder on Middle Beach.

[192] Well, Middle Beach must be the little neighborhood.

[193] So it'd still be in.

[194] I don't know.

[195] I mean, I don't know.

[196] I don't know what they're doing.

[197] But let's call him and be like, what a final episode.

[198] What a final episode.

[199] You and I were texting beforehand and were like, you thought it was this person.

[200] I thought it was this person.

[201] You said, how about a friendly $5 ,000 wager?

[202] Which I was joking about, by the way.

[203] I know you were.

[204] I was like, absolutely.

[205] And then you're like, you know, we share all our money, right?

[206] Which was so funny.

[207] Because it wouldn't matter.

[208] Basically, I could just move.

[209] Yeah, move some money from this side of the bank account over to that.

[210] Exactly.

[211] I felt very strongly about who my pick was.

[212] and then of course and I might as well say it because I'm sure I think I said something about it last week which we don't know we actually don't know who the killer is which is how I got out of paying Georgia $5 ,000 because I said well when the charges are brought I will send you a check but spoiler alert here so we can actually talk about oh yeah spoiler spoiler definitely go watch this if you haven't because now all four episodes are up so you can change it and yeah and it is really good documentary filmmaking and fascinating and it goes on he made this thing for 10 years and it's his family it's like it's it's really fascinating it kills me the dad stuff is so hard to watch the every part is hard to know okay you're right yeah that's in a in a show of hard parts for me the dad part is the hardest well because now there you're it feels like you're dealing with someone who is very different than your average dad yeah and doing things that you just yeah I want to stick up for him and he can't do it because it's his dad and he still wants a relationship but I want to be in the backseat of that car out front and be like what are you fucking talking about it's just that it's the thing you realize where if you when you love someone it's impossible to understand their motive because it might crush you you know what I mean very true and also the he was pulling some things while talking about his side which was all the son was asking for was just explain to me how things ended up like this and in doing so he begins to completely shit on the mother and who she was as a person which i was like this is not a good look for you and it is not making me think you're any less guilty or uh it's not making think you're a good no no and imagine he's not guilty and he's still just berating this child child's, your child's dead mother.

[213] Yeah.

[214] Like, who do you think you are?

[215] I think that's what it really triggered in me is that this father clearly has no understanding of how anything he does or anything he says affects his own kid who has pure intentions.

[216] Like, you are dad, you are a piece of shit, whether or not you killed the kid because you're kind of an asshole.

[217] But your kid is pure at heart and has good intentions and lost his mommy.

[218] and you're such an asshole, you know?

[219] And it's the coldness is shocking and it's a kind of thing where I'm coming from people who are not entirely like forthcoming or feelings oriented.

[220] Or warm, kind of.

[221] It's like to a degree, but it just isn't acceptable.

[222] It isn't acceptable for somebody to do that to the memory of.

[223] It was just like a shocking moment and you see him.

[224] And anyway, this is so much spoiler.

[225] But it's a personality disorder that that man has.

[226] For sure.

[227] And clearly, yeah, because the proof is in the paperwork that they find.

[228] But I really thought it was the sister.

[229] Yeah.

[230] And the sister showed all these signs that I was just like, oh, oh, ah, and then I was just like kind of building this story around what I was looking at and also based on what other people in the show were saying.

[231] And it was just, it's so great to watch one of those things that makes you go, I'm positive, this is it.

[232] Oh my God, I was entirely wrong.

[233] Totally.

[234] That's kind of what I think a lot of true crime is about.

[235] Yeah.

[236] She's actually a lovely person that your heart goes out too because she's just doing her best with what she was given, just like him.

[237] With massive trauma.

[238] She was there.

[239] Yeah.

[240] She saw her mom's dead body.

[241] Like, it's unbelievable.

[242] How do you get past that but move to fucking Argentina or whatever and like join a family that hopefully seems pretty together and you're like, my heart is warm for her that she has this welcoming family now.

[243] And that she did the things like when she finally gets to say her side of it, it makes so much sense and it's really healthy of like I want to get the life I wanted and I know that's what mom would want for me. I was blown out at that turn.

[244] It was real.

[245] But also that's the filmmaking part.

[246] Yes.

[247] is they lead you down these paths.

[248] They lead you into that kind of like, oh, I know who it is.

[249] And then those turns are just like such good lessons.

[250] Well, officially what I think happened, and this is giving that father a lot of selling him off the hook in a way I don't totally want to.

[251] But I think that maybe it was some of his shady associates that sent him a message or took collateral, went and claimed their collateral.

[252] So I don't totally think that it was him who attacked her.

[253] But it was because, like, I would make sense to me that because of him, these things happen.

[254] And that's why he won't discuss his shady doings because he's putting his son at risk too, perhaps.

[255] Or he's still, it's still responsible for it.

[256] It's still, you know, he could still be tried and everything.

[257] Right.

[258] Well, but then also the thing that is so fascinating about this whole story is that that's still just one piece of the pie.

[259] because we're it's like it could be the ladies from the tables it could be people she it absolutely she was starting to bring in like ex addicts and people who didn't have the money it could be a spouse of one of the people who she kind of not scam but whose money she took and it was their entire life savings and that spouse got upset and killed her easily I mean but who knows I don't think so but yes I when I please let there be a season two as quickly as possible.

[260] I need to see that paperwork.

[261] We need to get into it.

[262] It's just like, oh, my God.

[263] Anyway.

[264] Anyway, this is all speculation, by the way.

[265] Allegedly, allegedly, allegedly, allegedly.

[266] Allegedly and also spoilers, Rama.

[267] Yeah.

[268] But they stayed.

[269] Spoilers left right and center.

[270] These people stayed for the spoilers.

[271] Spoilers are over.

[272] These people stayed because they watched it.

[273] So they want to be, they want to hear the discussion.

[274] That's right.

[275] Cool.

[276] That's right.

[277] That's exactly right.

[278] Boom.

[279] Now, I went to the other end of the spectrum.

[280] And once I was finished, with that show, I started watching Murder on the Bayou.

[281] Have you, it's older.

[282] Have you watched that at Showtime?

[283] No. Oh, what's that about?

[284] It is a story about a town in Louisiana, a small town where women who, in the local press, they kept being referred to as women with high -risk lifestyles, start showing up dead.

[285] Oh.

[286] And it is one of the most heart -wrenching.

[287] Things to watch.

[288] It really is about this line between poverty and not poverty in America.

[289] It's about drug use and the way people get eaten up and the value of human life based on how much money you have in the bank or not.

[290] Or the decisions you've made that have led you down a path that you, yeah, I mean.

[291] That you don't, there's no out.

[292] I mean, it's really, it's a very, it was a very kind of, I didn't.

[293] do it on purpose as somebody had recommended it to me. And I started watching it and just went, wow, this is like, this is the story that you should definitely watch after murder in Middle Beach because it's like, okay, that's the story we always get in true crime about can you believe this beautiful, rich, blonde mom was murdered in the middle of the day.

[294] And then you switch over to this other show where it's like, I've never even heard of this story of, I think it ended up being seven or eight.

[295] women the bodies being found all over this town over a very it was like a couple year period but it's shocking and it's um yeah it was it's i'm still in the middle of it so i'm not sure where we're going but man is it like disturbing and and uh and you know stuff needs to get done i think a thing to always remember about stuff like that like especially for people listening who who like our show is when you see stuff like that and you say to yourself well well we'll they were they were living a risky lifestyle or they you know were asking for it somehow by doing why would anyone do those things is that both you and i lived very risky lifestyles and you know i was a drug addict you're an alcoholic it's by the fucking grace of god am i was i not deeper in it than than i was well and there's a really great reporter in this tv show that is talking about how that phrase got used and how unacceptable that phrase is that that basically it was a phrase that was being reported on because the sheriff used the phrase and it was essentially telling the town you don't have to care about these women don't worry right it's not like it was a way of them basically saying they're not not causing a panic by saying they by implying they brought it on themselves and it's so crazy to think of like you when you hear that phrase you think of like okay they must have been on the streets and like a total you know meth head or whatever when really it's like we've all fucking done a little coke at a party and gone to a second party and there was coke there and if you if that that is a person they would label someone who's putting themselves at risk when really the amount of people who do those little things and get away with it so they don't think of themselves as at risk is most of us you know sure at least the fun ones and in a town like that you start doing something like meth where you're addicted the first, second, third time you do it, then you're in a lifestyle that it doesn't really matter what your life was before that because you just need, then you're just kind of in it.

[296] And it's just a fascinating.

[297] It's such an interesting, fascinating story that really needs to be told and is told beautifully.

[298] It's shot beautifully.

[299] It's just, and the people, it's just fascinating.

[300] Murder on the bio.

[301] yeah it's been up for a while it's sounds familiar heard of it before yeah but i just assumed it was like one of those you know how the id channel sometimes does it where it's like murder in the south murder in a red bra or whatever yeah so i just i think i thought that's what it was and then yeah and then someone said no no it's you should watch it it's great i have a couple podcasts i'm listening to and a book i'm listening to that is definitely like i'm going to decide to bake bread now because I just want to listen to this book kind of a thing.

[302] Is this going along with more of your cottage court stuff that you've decided to get into?

[303] No, I've given up on that.

[304] And now I'm following this new.

[305] So wait, what's going on?

[306] Did you order bees?

[307] How far along are the bees?

[308] I haven't ordered bees.

[309] But I'm following a bee lady that I am obsessed with.

[310] So many people tagged me in her shit because she's just incredible.

[311] You sent it to me. Georgia sent to me. It's the lady cupping handful.

[312] of bees to get them out and I just wrote back you've lost it I was sending you like see it's not just me and Karen was like you're out of your fucking mouth you've lost it I don't know what this is this woman is called her the Instagram is Texas bee works her name is Erica Thompson she's a beekeeper and she does be really beautiful like a ASMR style you know stories about her going to save all these bees and how and what she does and it's so fascinating and she's so cool Like, I want to get a non -acoholic beer with her if we're ever in Texas again.

[313] She's amazing.

[314] So Texas bee works.

[315] I'm digging.

[316] Awesome.

[317] And it's important.

[318] I make jokes.

[319] I'm teasing Georgia because it's fun.

[320] But it is important because we can't lose the bees.

[321] So anyone that's doing that work, it is crucial.

[322] And I know that.

[323] But it won't be me. I'll respect.

[324] Don't worry.

[325] No, the other stuff doesn't have to do with my cottage core.

[326] But listening to a book, it's a little house.

[327] the prairie it's how to knit and sew your own bonnet by um amelia bedelia oh cool great remember amelia badelia yeah this is me and she didn't know what the fuck she was out of her her gd mine that lady couldn't clean for shit she made a bigger mess she was the great part it was nuts um this book's by britt bennett and it's called the vanishing half it's so good it's like, you know, the generational stories of each person in that family and what happened in them and how they got there.

[328] But essentially, it's twin, the story revolves around twin sisters and one of them vanishes.

[329] And the, like, search for her, but the, like, the twin who stayed, like, her daughter and her husband and what happens to her life and the daughter goes to L .A. and becomes a trackster.

[330] Like, it's just, but it's like heartfelt and beautiful and really well written.

[331] And it's just great.

[332] Awesome.

[333] And then I have two podcasts.

[334] I'm listening to, you know how I love like sleeping podcasts that help you go to sleep at night, like sleep with me. There's one that I've been listening to called Nothing Much Happens.

[335] It's hosted by Catherine Nicolai, and she has this beautiful soothing voice, and she writes a story that's like straight up, it's almost like a fairy tale that she writes this beautiful little story where nothing much happens, but they're still like lovely so that if you want to, they're almost caught.

[336] core stories actually where she lives in a cabin it's snow if i'm being honest this is cottage core she finds a kitten and invites the kitten into her house and and miss her cat that she covers it in bees and be maybe she'll do one with bees and she tells the story twice once you know a 15 -minute story that she wrote and then tells it again slower and you're i'm out within five minutes but the stories are beautiful so even if you can't fall asleep you're listening so that's great nothing much happens nothing much happens that's such a good idea that's that's like um rosemary in time even though their murders do happen and it's right crazy because they're groundskeepers essentially yeah everywhere they go someone gets killed but it's the same feel of british rhythmic speaking and kind of low key no one yells there's no gunshots right and you can picture yourself in the cabin with the they're like cozy stories you know that's great it's very smart um and then the other one is have you heard of terrible thanks for asking no Yeah, I, so my friend Melissa Boyle, uh, text me this link to it.

[337] And I've seen, I've seen it on iTunes a million times, but she sent me specifically a link to like they, she did a, it's, um, her name is Nora McEnnerney.

[338] And she did a three part story about like, childhood trauma, which is such a huge epidemic now they're saying.

[339] So that was really good.

[340] But then I was looking at other episodes and it's just a really like, it's a cool podcast where like, you know, when you ask someone, how is.

[341] how is everything and they're like fine.

[342] Well, these are all interviews with people where shit was not fine, you know?

[343] And it's like really, it's, it's like a higher level smart people produced podcast, you know, and it's really cool.

[344] It's really good.

[345] That's cool.

[346] So that's terrible thanks for asking.

[347] Terrible thanks for asking.

[348] That's good.

[349] I should write that down.

[350] You'd like it.

[351] You'd like a lot.

[352] I, um, yeah, because I there's, that's what I love.

[353] I really love people telling a story.

[354] That's what I love about.

[355] this is actually happening is people who are past the trauma point that can go back and say here's listen to this here's what happened to me it's so I love that this is so I found this podcast because people were posting like say their top five podcasts and showing them to us as like hey you are on my list which is lovely and thank you everybody for doing that but on many of the list there was a podcast called let's not meet Have you heard of this podcast?

[356] No. Okay, the host's name is Andrew Tate And he basically reads Sometimes they're from Reddit threads Sometimes people email them in But essentially it's a horrible moment A scary moment A creepy moment from someone's life And so at the end it's like So guy from the water park, let's not meet And it's this it is so good And when I first started it I was like oh it's not the people telling the stories themselves so I don't know if I like that.

[357] It's like narrated.

[358] Three episodes later, I was just like, I have been binging it for like three days.

[359] Like what kind of stories?

[360] Like just, oh, it's like, it's basically red flag bananza.

[361] Like your worst day or I did something fucked up?

[362] No, no, no. Your worst like moment of we moved into this apartment.

[363] Okay, so here's the one.

[364] I'll tell you the one that got me hooked.

[365] And this was like on in the first episode, a woman's on the road for work.

[366] And so this group of people from her work are staying in all the same.

[367] the same hotel together, and they have to go to work every day.

[368] They come back at six, and then they go out to dinner together.

[369] Fuck that shit.

[370] And this one day, so this one day, her friend from work has the room across the hall in this hotel.

[371] They come back at five, a little early, they're going to go down in the pool.

[372] It's like their last day.

[373] She walks into her hotel room, and she realizes someone's in the bathroom.

[374] The first thing she assumes is that it's the hotel cleaning lady.

[375] Yeah.

[376] And so she says, oh, hello is someone here?

[377] and then just some lady walks out and she's holding a bag and then the woman realizes her stuff is all on the bed there's stuff everywhere and she's like wait who are you and the woman goes no no no it's fine I just I'm leaving don't worry it's fine she looks over there's a mini like a like a baseball bat that you would be given at the at the ballpark on like a bat night or whatever there's one of those laying on the bed with a flashlight tape to it there's all this weird shit all around and the lady's walking out with a bag so she stops her and goes hold on a second are you taking any of my stuff and she goes no no look it's all my stuff opens the bag the lady let like she looks into the bag none of her stuff is there so she just she's so weirded out that she lets the lady leave her friend across the hall who had just been walking into her room kind of hears this and comes out so she saw the lady leave too and then they're both kind of like what was that so they go so her friend comes back into the room with her they start looking around stuff has been moved around a bunch of her clothes have been stuffed into a bag her passport's been stuffed into a bag there's all kinds of things in flux of like it looks like she was about to get robbed yeah yeah and they're looking and then she goes into the bathroom and realizes some of her medicine has been stolen um which i'm i took to me in like valium and stuff like that i know they're not taking your fucking well -buterun or whatever yeah exactly um so she calls down to the front and it's like hey just so you know i just caught a lady in my room and they're like that doesn't make sense they call the cops the cops show up and they take the report, but they're kind of like, yeah, you probably, like, they're kind of giving her that we don't believe you or like you gave the key to someone.

[378] Yeah.

[379] Yeah.

[380] Did you give your key to someone?

[381] This doesn't really make sense.

[382] Whatever.

[383] So the cop, they take the report and they leave.

[384] And then her and her friend go into the bathroom to check if there's anything else missing.

[385] And she notices there's a bunch of drywall on the bathroom sink.

[386] So they pull the mirror away from the wall.

[387] There's a two foot hole.

[388] that lady had been living in the wall.

[389] Holy shit.

[390] So apparently when they built this hotel, I'm just telling you the story that I heard on this podcast like word for word, but she had basically crawled in there and was living in the walls of this hotel.

[391] So she could go into any room that she could get access from that inner walk space.

[392] There's like a, so when they looked into the hole, there was a pillow.

[393] And so they thought the baseball bat with the, flashlight was like her thing in the wall that she walked around with.

[394] Did they catch her?

[395] Yeah.

[396] Don't tell us anymore.

[397] That, I mean, the thing about that is like, why would you make a mess?

[398] You're spoiling your entire like operation.

[399] She didn't think the girl was coming back for two hours.

[400] Because every day she came back at seven.

[401] There's a movie.

[402] She knew.

[403] There's a documentary.

[404] Hey, Vince.

[405] What's that documentary about the hotel, the motel owner?

[406] Oh, yes.

[407] I've seen it where he's peeking down.

[408] Yeah, what's it called?

[409] The guy, the motel owner who can peek into his rooms.

[410] Vince has laid all the way out in that lazy boy.

[411] He's completely flat.

[412] It looks like a massage table.

[413] I asked him to get me something that only he knew where it was.

[414] And he goes, why don't you do it?

[415] Which is, if you know Vince, the least Vince thing that's ever been said.

[416] He's never said that to me in my life.

[417] This is the great lazy boy uprising.

[418] I was like, okay, well, just tell me where it is.

[419] And he just gave me these elaborate instructions.

[420] And then I was like, okay.

[421] What is it?

[422] Voyer.

[423] Voyer.

[424] Voyer.

[425] On Netflix is about a motel owner who, like, built his motel so that he could watch people.

[426] It's a really fascinating documentary.

[427] The thing I just want to say really quick about Let's Not Meet, there are so many stories where young women say, I didn't want to be rude.

[428] I didn't want to be mean.

[429] I didn't da -da -da I wasn't sure what to say and we've gone over this I didn't believe myself yes and but then most of them because they you know whatever happens they're like but I had this feeling I had this feeling or they tell stories of their mom being like get the fuck away and that's how they got away from a person but it's it's really if you are like a young woman it's a really good listen of like just things to consider just things to the possibilities of a way people try to get into a building what when they start out real nice but if you contradict them at all their personality changes like those kinds of things that those red flag moments that I found every time I listen of course I was creeped out but I was also like good to know yeah good that's so true that like when you hear experiences other of other people standing up for themselves you're more likely to do it yourself and actually happen to me like when we first started the podcast like when fuck politeness first was a thing we were talking about, I like went to, this isn't big deal what I like went to a post this gym that was prompt, like private gym.

[430] They were promising they were going to help me with my back.

[431] But he didn't explain anything correct.

[432] Like this is like big guy and he didn't explain really how the back works and how it was going to help me, but was really pressuring me to like sign a fucking $500, you know, contract when really I, he had not convinced me at all, but I didn't want to be rude, and I had gotten, like, my ID out and my credit card out, and I was about to do it because I didn't want to be rude.

[433] And then suddenly I was like, how am I going to tell the podcast about this?

[434] You know, like, I've been saying fuck the line a million times.

[435] Like, they're not going to, I have to live up to what I'm saying.

[436] And I was just like, never mind.

[437] I don't, I'll call you by and like took my shit and left and was, it was fine.

[438] And he was an asshole about it.

[439] And I was so glad I did that.

[440] Yeah.

[441] But it's hard.

[442] It's fucking hard so well especially when someone has kind of lured you with quote unquote kindness right that's why i think it's so interesting to check that same thing happened to me at a vet where this vet i frank was like doing these weird yelps and i thought either he pulled his back he did something and i was really worried about him yeah so i bring him in and this guy who i'd never i'd been going to this vet for a while and all of a sudden it was a new guy yeah and he started immediately started trying to sell me these homeopathic remedies and at one point and he kept saying he needs this and he needs that and finally i said why don't you do the x -ray first because we don't even know what he needs and then this guy got so pissed he was and then i just was like they took they went and took the x -ray i made sure that frank's back wasn't broken and nothing was like over and then i left and i never went back i was just like you got to be fucking kidding me like that guy was so agro and heard And the second I asserted myself, he was pissed and didn't think he had to keep it from me that he was pissed.

[443] Right.

[444] And it's like, it's your business.

[445] Rude to you about your natural fucking response.

[446] Like, if you're giving the hard sell, I get to say, hey, stop giving the hard sell.

[447] You don't have to scream it.

[448] You just get to say it.

[449] Hey, I'm not going to buy a bunch of homeopathic shit when we don't know what's wrong with the dog.

[450] Totally.

[451] And that was like, oh, well, I guess you, like, he had all these reactions where I'm like, ooh, you're crazy.

[452] Yeah.

[453] So is, like, okay now?

[454] Oh, that was like three years ago.

[455] Man, it's hard, but it's important.

[456] It's never going to be totally comfortable.

[457] If you're not comfortable saying, calling people out, it'll never be comfortable.

[458] But I think the important thing to be like, the practice of it makes you comfortable with it.

[459] Yeah.

[460] Because you get to prove to yourself that it's actually your right.

[461] and it's not that big of a deal to do it.

[462] Like, you might, you might have a little bit of a, uh, but it's going to be way more comfortable than people getting to manipulate you and take money out of your hand because you're trapped by them.

[463] I don't think it'll ever be comfortable for me, but I think what I've learned is that discomfort is okay sometimes.

[464] Yes, and like being in a not happy, everyone's stoked and I didn't upset anyone's situation happens and it doesn't mean you're a bad person.

[465] It doesn't mean you've ruined someone's day and it doesn't matter either.

[466] It's hard for someone who, you know, is like taught to be nice all the time and is scared of not like even having to wear a mask in public is hard for me because I can't smile at people and show that I'm friendly.

[467] It's like a dog wagging its tail.

[468] You know, it's like it's been really insightful.

[469] Insighting to be.

[470] me well because i think having to put that down for a little bit you get to question what that is actually about right because right it's not about everyone's happy that is not true like just because people are smiling or laughing doesn't mean people are happy at all right it means people are being manipulated into feeling pressured to act that way yeah and i think the feeling of like what's at what's the truth of this scenario as opposed to make sure everyone's like showing their teeth.

[471] Yeah.

[472] Or you can control every situation as long as they know you're friendly and you're friendly and so they're not going to do bad things to you and you're friendly and so no one will be mad at you or if you fuck something up it's okay because you're nice and friendly and so they won't hate you and that's right that's about me and my insecurities.

[473] Well, and I think it bites you in the ass later because when it doesn't work out or whatever, it, then you're really mad.

[474] And then you have like a recoil feeling that makes you feel worse.

[475] You know what I mean?

[476] You get yourself into this kind of, it needs to be this way.

[477] And it has to do it's like a lot of rules that actually don't apply to anything.

[478] Luckily, there's a little, I've got a little Janet in me where I can turn a smile into an angry, an angry smile pretty quickly.

[479] Do you know what happened to me?

[480] I had my first experience of asking someone to put their mask on in public.

[481] Oh, how'd that go?

[482] God damn it, that feels good.

[483] Can I tell you what it was?

[484] My fucking pharmacist.

[485] All the people who should have a mask on in my mom and pop pharmacy that I go to.

[486] Indoor's.

[487] Indoor's dealing with the medicine of sick people.

[488] And he doesn't have a mask on.

[489] That's ridiculous.

[490] The guy who works at the counter who I've been, you know, he's just, he's an employee there.

[491] And I've been, he's known me forever because I'm highly medicated.

[492] So I've dealt with him a lot.

[493] But, you know, he's an older guy.

[494] And so he like, you know, seems like, you should wear a mask around this older guy to make sure he stays healthy.

[495] So I said, like, why doesn't that guy have his mask on?

[496] And he goes, well, he's the owner, so I can't really say anything.

[497] He says he puts it on when he comes out from behind the farm, the counter.

[498] But it's like, it's, there's an open wind.

[499] It doesn't, it's open.

[500] So I said, well, I should say something.

[501] And then he goes, do it.

[502] He like, whispered to me, do it.

[503] And it's like, okay.

[504] And it's so not like.

[505] me, you know, to call people out.

[506] And I fucking, hey, sir, why don't you have a mask on?

[507] I said it very curiously.

[508] And he got so, I thought we were going to fight.

[509] And he got so sheepish.

[510] Oh, it's in my pocket.

[511] And I was like, well, there's sick people here.

[512] And he, and then he, like, made some excuse about on the phone how he, no one can understand him on the phone.

[513] It's like, bullshit.

[514] Sorry, Rudy Giuliani.

[515] That's not true.

[516] That is right.

[517] So he took it out of his pocket and put it the fuck on.

[518] And I think my wellbutrin's going to be free from now on from this fucking employee.

[519] But how many articles have we all read that if you're indoors with no windows or no direct ventilation, you have three minutes before somebody that has it and could be asymptomatic would be spreading it around and you could be in a place the size of Walmart.

[520] Yeah.

[521] If there's one person in Walmart that's not wearing a mask that has it, you've got three and a half minutes in that building before you could possibly inhale what their ex -hap.

[522] Nobody on Walmart's not wearing a mask, though.

[523] Let's...

[524] Oh, no, everyone's...

[525] They're not mad.

[526] They're not fighting with the greeter.

[527] Everything's fine.

[528] It's just so inconsiderate.

[529] Like, at the same time, there was a woman there who was clearly illed from something and you're not wearing your mask and you're handling her fucking meds.

[530] It's just unconscionable.

[531] Wow, well, good job.

[532] Thank you.

[533] I felt really...

[534] It was fun.

[535] It felt good.

[536] And it also sounds like you did it right, where you didn't...

[537] It wasn't, you didn't have to scream or point your finger.

[538] It was a genuine question of, hey, am I wrong here or shouldn't you, the pharmacist, be wearing a mask?

[539] It's the thing of raising your voice so that everyone's going to hear it is so hard to do when you're, you know, not like that.

[540] But you're calling attention to yourself, which is scary.

[541] Do you want to know the trick of that?

[542] Yeah.

[543] You go, uh -huh.

[544] Really?

[545] That's what I do.

[546] You're just like, no, no. Karen, I thought you're not going to give you some fucking, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. Me, me, me. Hey, you fucker.

[547] Hey, you fuck.

[548] Here's what you do.

[549] You put up the Polly Walnuts devil fingers.

[550] And you pointed him with your index and pinky.

[551] Pinky and index out.

[552] It's like, it's like rock and roll, but to the side.

[553] Yeah, to the side.

[554] Poly Walnut.

[555] Hey, man. This is Devil Horn's metal concert.

[556] This is Polly Walnuts.

[557] Great.

[558] Don't do the wrong one or the thing you're a Satanist.

[559] If you go down, that's you kind of trying to find water.

[560] But?

[561] you got anything else or should we do those were my things should we do a little what's going on on the exactly right network yeah let's do it hey you guys we have a network well what's exciting is our new law and order SVU recap slash true crime slash interview podcast called That's Messed up hosted by Kara Clank and Lisa Trager.

[562] Two hilarious comedians who are so funny.

[563] They're so good.

[564] That premiered on Tuesday.

[565] And they had the cast member Kate Burton on.

[566] And it's such a good podcast.

[567] They're so funny and great.

[568] And if you like Law & Order SVU, whatever, you can get on there.

[569] You'll know exactly what they're talking about.

[570] And it's just the best.

[571] And you don't need to watch the episode to know.

[572] It's just they're really funny women.

[573] If you think were your aunts, these are your fucking.

[574] and aunts like these two women they're like you want them at your family parties they're just such incredible funny people so check that out please that's messed up yeah and another new exactly right podcast tenfold more wicked which is killing it and doing so incredible you guys love it and we love that so they're continuing the story of edward roll off um so make sure to check in on that yeah that's really good um oh i'm going to skip down because my friend Michelle Boutot was on bananas this week.

[575] And she's a hilarious stand -up comic.

[576] She's a good friend of mine.

[577] She also has a book out.

[578] It just came out, I think, Tuesday.

[579] It's called Survival of the Thickest.

[580] She is a hilarious genius and she's on there with Curt and Scotty.

[581] So that's going to be a very good time.

[582] She is a fucking national treasure.

[583] She's the greatest.

[584] International Treasure, really.

[585] On Murder Squad, Billy and Paul discussed the unsolved murder of 12 -year -old Jennifer Odom.

[586] She disappeared after getting off the school bus on February 19, 1993.

[587] Her remains were found six days later.

[588] The case is unsolved.

[589] And of course, Billy and Paul do an incredible job of covering that case.

[590] Yeah, that's really, that's good.

[591] Millie and Danielle, over on, I saw what you did.

[592] The movies they're talking about this week are fame and step up.

[593] Come on!

[594] The prequel to step up to the streets.

[595] So go, that came out on Tuesdays ago.

[596] I love it.

[597] On on Stephen Ray Morris and Sarah Iyer's podcast, The Purrcast, talking to cat people because it can't talk to your cat.

[598] They speak with author and editor Stephanie Cook, so make sure to check out the Purrcast.

[599] And of course this week on I said no gifts, you'll never believe it.

[600] But Bridger has on the great Georgia hard start.

[601] He disobeys him and brings him a gift.

[602] Yay.

[603] I think I did good with the gift.

[604] I think I did really good.

[605] Do you want to give us a hint or do you want to not?

[606] Do you know, I got him?

[607] My thing when I buy people gifts is I put in the word in Etsy, I put in the word vintage and whatever state they're from and find a souvenir like a vintage souvenir from their state.

[608] That's a great idea.

[609] Isn't it?

[610] It's a great gift giving tip.

[611] It's my favorite.

[612] And then the other thing I got was, um, wait, sorry.

[613] So what was, what did you find?

[614] He's from Utah.

[615] I had to ask Jay.

[616] So I found like a shot glass.

[617] But then I, when I was on it, I also found.

[618] So there's this artist named Amber Cher who draws these beautiful state park drawings.

[619] And then she goes on to Yelp and finds the state parks review.

[620] And she finds one -star reviews of state parks and puts a quote from that review beautifully across her drawing of state parks.

[621] So I got him one from a Utah state park.

[622] And it said it disappointed us in beautiful script or something like that.

[623] That is jeezious.

[624] It was like, oh, it was a disappointment too.

[625] us, which I just, I love it.

[626] So that's, her name's Amber Share.

[627] Amber Share and the Instagram is called subpar parks.

[628] And I think this is just, there's, there's like beaches that say not worth the hype.

[629] And there's a mountain that says went on for too long.

[630] And then a rocky outpost that says nothing just rocks.

[631] Total, total rubbish.

[632] Not very interesting, quite boring of like these beautiful drawings.

[633] that she does.

[634] Wow.

[635] Oh, that's great.

[636] Isn't that cool?

[637] Amazing.

[638] Nobody needs to have seen this lake that she took from a Yelp review of a fucking park.

[639] So just genius.

[640] Yeah, just genius.

[641] But actually, I think Bridger and I, I had a really good time talking to him.

[642] Isn't he the best interviewer of all time?

[643] I felt like we were best trends, even though we've only talked at parties awkwardly, like twice.

[644] He doesn't drink, right?

[645] Right.

[646] So I was, oh, I don't think so.

[647] Okay.

[648] Well, then I was, I We spoke with drinks at parties a couple times, but I felt like we were best friends.

[649] So he's so good at it.

[650] You know why?

[651] He's a great listener.

[652] That's, I think that's what it is at the end of the day.

[653] That's kind of the key to all hosting.

[654] But he's a great listener and he's, it's like he's meant to be a podcast.

[655] He's just kind of built for it.

[656] And especially around that idea because it's just, it suits him perfectly.

[657] It's such a great idea.

[658] And I felt like I was in the room with him, even though we were on Zoom.

[659] It was cool.

[660] So check out.

[661] I said no gifts.

[662] with more.

[663] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.

[664] Absolutely.

[665] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash?

[666] Exactly.

[667] And if you're a small business owner, you might know Shopify is great for online sales.

[668] But did you know that they also power in -person sales?

[669] That's right.

[670] Shopify is the sound of selling everywhere, online, in -store, on social media, and beyond.

[671] Give your point -of -sale system a serious upgrade with shopper.

[672] From accepting payments to managing inventory, they have everything you need to sell in person.

[673] So give your point of sale system a serious upgrade with Shopify.

[674] Their sleek, reliable POS hardware takes every major payment method and looks fabulous at the same time.

[675] With Shopify, we have a powerful partner for managing our sales, and if you're a business owner, you can too.

[676] Connect with customers in line and online.

[677] Do retail right with Shopify.

[678] Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at Shopify .com slash murder.

[679] important note that promo code is all lowercase go to shopify .com slash murder to take your retail business to the next level today that shopify .com slash murder goodbye all right well should we move into this special this special this very special episode yeah you want to tell them about it what we're doing so we're going to do another Q &A which we've done a bunch but you know how many times can we talk about picking one big horse or 20 little horses or whatever so we decided to guide the Q &A this time and give and offer our unqualified advice on on low stakes problems.

[680] That's right.

[681] So that's how we phrase it because we know, especially a year like this, there's people who would probably want to bring up really big, very philosophical problems, difficult problems, which we empathize with you.

[682] We are there with you.

[683] We don't have answers to those problems.

[684] Pretend we're your sister's best friends who've had a couple wine coolers.

[685] like that's the advice we're giving you is like you're you're adamant strong you better take our advice but you don't have to me you probably shouldn't and also we're in the taco bell drive -thru so either way we're all going to be happy at the end of this either way it'll work out fine right right it's that vibe is what we're giving I'm excited I feel like we're I feel like we're going to be good at this this might be an offshoot podcast that we should have done this whole time yeah that's true so we should definitely start more podcast podcast.

[686] That's what I'd like to be doing.

[687] So we had Jay and our new awesome social media manager, Aaron, collect your questions.

[688] There were so many good ones that I kept seeing, so they better be in here or Jay and Aaron are fired.

[689] Easy.

[690] Easy.

[691] Jesus Christ.

[692] Come on.

[693] Fire them with me. It's fun.

[694] No. Can I also say that I've known Aaron, our new social media person, since Live Journal days.

[695] And we've been friends since then in real life, not just on LiveJournal.

[696] So that's really exciting.

[697] Nice.

[698] I'm old.

[699] It's fun.

[700] It's very exciting to get to pull our friends into.

[701] And it's what we get to do with the podcast.

[702] And now we get to do it with the people that we work with too.

[703] It's just like, oh yeah, we're building this company.

[704] And we definitely know lots of talented people.

[705] Yeah.

[706] I feel like I've always supposed to be closer friends with her at some point in our lives.

[707] And now this gets to happen.

[708] So once we get to see each other in person again and not on a Zoom meeting, we'll be a best of you.

[709] So just to, you know, I would say just to help that friendship, let's cut out the part where you threaten her job.

[710] I would say, you know, but that's me being judgmental.

[711] Yeah, but also like, if I'm going to be friends with someone, I need to have an upper hand somehow or they're not going to be friends with me because I'm terrible.

[712] I hope my therapist is listening to this because I'm terrible and you don't want to be friends with me. Really, so I have to threaten them.

[713] I see.

[714] You know what I mean?

[715] You should absolutely always have the upper hand.

[716] And then they can never break up.

[717] Friendship.

[718] The mailman.

[719] Threatening.

[720] keep it get that upper hand live journal whatever it is that's right uh hopefully we can address a problem like that in these questions um all right let's do it go you go first all right i'm going to close my eyes and point okay okay this is from chantal uh brian brianne my live -in boyfriend wants to split the fridge in half like we're roommates i just need to know i'm validated in thinking this is weird a thousand percent how but Karen can I what if he has um like uh food allergies and food issues she would have said it you're right she would have said right that is but that I feel like I went on a date with a couple of a guy a couple times where for me when I order food it's like you get that and I'll get that and we'll have these everything like I love that I'll never order my own entree and he was weirded out by it and but eventually he understood it because he was raised in a house that was like, don't touch my fucking food.

[721] So maybe it just takes time.

[722] But there, it's her living boyfriend, which to me, unless she, I think she would have specified if they'd just moved into the other.

[723] Exactly.

[724] Exactly.

[725] So to me it feels like because we've gotten a couple roommate questions.

[726] Yeah.

[727] And so I'll put this out there.

[728] I think sometimes you choose people to live with for fun times because you have a great time at a bar or a great time somewhere else living together is a totally different story and that's when the mask comes down that's when the truth comes out yeah so i i would say yes to split what's the threat that he is interpreting from combining food like is does that mean that he's also only buying his own food and you're buying your own food and don't and if you eat my food i'll be mad like don't touch my top an odd because i don't like when people touch it it's mine i think there's um a discussion to be had around this area.

[729] And if you, Chantal, Brianne, Brian, the question is, ask yourself how you feel about it.

[730] Because ultimately, this is the kind of thing that you have to start, you know, in the beginning, in my early days of being in relationships, it would always just be like, what's he doing as opposed to what do I want to be happening?

[731] And there's a lot of that kind of like, oh, I hope he, this, that, or whatever, as opposed to me going, yeah, I don't, this is not cool.

[732] me and I'm not going to do this with you.

[733] I think the thing to think of like is, yeah, is this a pattern that he's starting?

[734] Because I think doing something new after having lived together is a sign that something isn't going right for that person.

[735] And if you really look at it, that there might be other signs that things aren't right.

[736] And that might be a problem with you of not a way you want to live in a relationship and not a way you want to connect with someone.

[737] Is he speaking to you through putting a piece of tape?

[738] down the center of the refrigerator and basically saying I need better boundaries or I need you to get out of my shit or whatever it is because also I this might point to a discomfort about money and that money will kill a relationship if you have different attitudes and and approaches toward how money is spent and how people handle money it's a make or break thing that you can you can handle for a while but it it'll come down to it eventually.

[739] So if he's like, I bought this and I don't want you ruining it or whatever, you just have to figure out if that matters to you.

[740] But another way to think about that, too, is if he has an issue, if that is the case and he has an issue with money, which absolutely could be a thing and he's not talking to you about it and instead putting up these weird arbitrary rules, do you want to be with someone who won't address a big issue?

[741] Right.

[742] Yes, for sure.

[743] Can't find the words or can't actually have an honest conversation.

[744] Also, maybe he was just like, you know, like a superstar frat boy.

[745] And he's like, I don't want to let go these my old days at the blah, blah, blah, which is another kind of thing to figure out.

[746] You know what I mean?

[747] Where it's just like, if you're in a relationship and you live together, what are the levels of what are the boundaries?

[748] And those things need to be kind of declared and the reasons why should maybe be out there.

[749] You know, because then it might not be that big of a deal.

[750] Totally.

[751] Okay.

[752] But it's weird.

[753] Did we, it's weird.

[754] I think we covered.

[755] that.

[756] It is weird.

[757] Don't need his top.

[758] Maybe he's hiding shit in his top and odd that he doesn't want you to see.

[759] Money.

[760] Money.

[761] He's signing $100 bills.

[762] $2 .000.

[763] Maybe he's hiding your engagement ring and his top.

[764] Don't touch it because, but I'm not going to give it to you for eight months.

[765] What?

[766] Don't put it in there.

[767] Okay.

[768] This one I'm, I picked because we got so many of them that this is just the easiest way to say it, but this question was asked a bunch of times in a bunch of different ways.

[769] And this is from LJ favorites.

[770] It says, is it better to have quote unquote closure or just let a relationship slash friendship fade away?

[771] Relationship.

[772] So lots of people trying to talk about that in different ways, friendship -wise or relationship -wise.

[773] Okay.

[774] So like dating -wise or I don't think there's a such thing as either of those fading away or closure.

[775] But closure makes people go less crazy.

[776] and if you really do care about that person or did it one time, the best thing to do is to give them closure, right?

[777] Or to have an honest conversation.

[778] I think you're right in saying, I think closure is a bit of a fantasy.

[779] Yes.

[780] Because that's like saying, and now I say this perfect thing, and then the problem is solved and we never have that problem again.

[781] If I explain it well enough, they'll understand.

[782] That'll never happen.

[783] But if you do it with integrity and you know you did your best, then whatever, however they react.

[784] is on them and it's their own reaction.

[785] It's not about you anymore.

[786] And I think going away from the relationship aspect more and going to friendship, which I think is the much stickier area.

[787] Because I think every, I'm assuming this person is maybe a little bit on the younger side where it's like, if it's a friendship, it's so much harder when it's a friendship.

[788] Yeah, I'm almost not even talking about that because I'm bad at that too.

[789] Well, everyone's uncomfortable about it because there's something, but that's like, say you're friends with someone in college, now you've moved out and you live in the city, but suddenly the things that used to make sense to you five years ago are no longer okay with you.

[790] And what it really comes down to is you asserting yourself to say, hey, I don't want to do this anymore, or I don't like this anymore, or this doesn't work for me anymore.

[791] And sometimes we get so cowed by other people's potential reactions that we just swallow our own needs because this person has set it up if you say this to me I'll freak out if you do this to me I will I will go crazy and attack you whatever it is that's just that person basically saying I always get my way so you don't have to live by those rules and you don't have to live any way you don't want to live I think it's also important because in my mind it's like okay you've the thing that the problem is you've seen the way they are and the thoughts they have and the beliefs they have on Facebook and you don't want to be friends with someone anymore who's a fucking anti -masker or whatever the fuck and so you just want to uh you they keep trying to be friends with you i think in that case you can fade them out and just not or i don't know well but it's almost like the conditions or the circumstances there could be a million different ones but at the end it's the discomfort of a person who's continually trying to be friends with you and you don't want to do it anymore and sometimes it's like Sometimes, yeah, just not answering a text four times in a row sends that message.

[792] Yeah.

[793] And then that's that.

[794] And if that's the place that you're at or they're at, like, there's not a lot of point in kind of like trying to get blood from a stone, picking up, picking up on a message.

[795] Like, it might be a good thing to go, how much do I do this, where I'm not picking up on the message someone's sending me they don't want.

[796] This isn't working anymore.

[797] Yeah.

[798] But I'm just trying to nice it out or I'm just trying to like keep it going.

[799] If that's what maybe if you're feeling like that's what's going on, that's not a really a very healthy friendship anyway.

[800] Yeah, that's true.

[801] So you kind of have to do it where it's like, yeah, sometimes sometimes it's a bummer.

[802] Maybe that you're still going to see them or it's going to keep coming up.

[803] But there's kind of no point in going back over and over to something that that's, really not working for you.

[804] I think what's an important thing to think about too is that you're going to outgrow friendships.

[805] That's just how life is.

[806] I've seen people who try to hold on so tight to their high school and even elementary school friendships in their friendships in their 20s that were based on going out or, you know, between jobs, between boyfriends jobs.

[807] And it's okay.

[808] And you're not a bad person for outgrowing those things.

[809] And, you know, life is long, hopefully, for you so it might come back around but you don't you don't need to keep those friendships or relationships to be a good person and also doesn't it doesn't have to be the last chapter like you did it doesn't have to be like that I think that's the closure problem is you thinking I have to go deliver a speech and never speak to this person again sometimes people just fade away they don't like it you don't like it but that's kind of that's how life is and also when you're younger this was a big realization for me in therapy when my therapist said how many close friends do you have and i said 30 and she went absolutely not and then we talked about it and i was like oh that's true they're not actually my friend yeah do you call them to talk to them about things that bother you would they come and pick you up somewhere blah blah blah then stop calling them your close friends because that's not accurate right that's socializing and trying to seem popular really you have about four people in your inner circle and those people should understand you and love you no matter what the things are that are going on in your life and if you have people that that get really either judgey or like very reactive to if you're having a hard time that's not a good friend yeah like you have to really start analyzing what you need in friendships and how people support you as a friend and how you they allow you to support them yeah it's a bigger deal it's not just like who you meet for to go to the party with you know definitely okay uh all right here's my next one Sarah.

[810] Lovegood says, how do I stop looking up people from my past online?

[811] I know it's detrimental to my mental health, but I can't stop.

[812] Love you guys.

[813] X, X, X, X. That's what online was created for.

[814] And that's why it's so hard not to do it.

[815] Well, and also maybe ask yourself, why is it detrimental?

[816] Huh.

[817] Right.

[818] Because you don't want to see people happy.

[819] Then then maybe you are not.

[820] you don't have any you didn't get the right closure right or like are you living in a weird fantasy world where seeing them is hurting you because they seem like it's a it's a thing of like you're buying into social media right so that maybe is the detrimental part where it's like that they all seem to be at a party or they all seem to be beautiful and you know it's just fake or is it that uh seeing other people happy makes you feel like it's that you, that it takes something away from your happiness, that other people can't be fine without you and other people can't move on with, you know, it impacts you and your happiness when that really doesn't match.

[821] I'm really good at not looking up exes and ex -friends and that sort of thing because it's almost like I put them out of my head at that point.

[822] It's like they can go on and live their lives and be who they want to be, but it doesn't take away anything from me it doesn't like it's not going to add anything to my life if they're happier than I am or if they're thriving and I'm not you know right well and part of that is because you have a happy relationship so oftentimes I think when people are online trying to dredge up some stuff or whatever it is it's because there's a lack in your own life right so knowing you're not going to and and that person it's sounds like they already know that that's not that they're not going to get anything from doing it they're just doing it first of all guess what you're in a quarantine you can do whatever the fuck you want and the struggle is real with scrolling like you're just going to keep looking for stuff to scroll about right and like so you know do a puzzle start painting to get a different get a hobby so that you can you feel get a hobby where you're starting to learn something learn to play the guitar learn a thing learn a thing where you're you don't know how to do it now and in six months you might actually really know how to do it so that you are living a life where you are benefiting yourself right as opposed to feeling like this outsider that's looking into the bakery window at everybody else's life start building the life you want it's almost like if you're continuing if you're continuing to work on yourself which is that something i always feel like i'm doing then it doesn't matter if someone's doing better than you or worse than you because you're always growing and so someone beating you at fucking life or having babies or whatever isn't a person who has gotten over you and is better than you.

[823] It's just someone who's working on themselves and you could have that opportunity too.

[824] It's not a contest.

[825] Like it's sadly, it would be easier if it were a contest because then you could pretend like you were ahead or behind and have emotions based on those fantasies.

[826] None of that's real.

[827] Being online isn't real at all.

[828] So go on there.

[829] Have the feeling festival.

[830] that you want to have enjoy it that's part of what it's all for and then come back out of it and make sure when you come out of it there's you're building a life around you that you actually like just as much and also you can just block them too or very true give your best friend your Instagram password or whatever and when you want to look at it make let she should have a series of questions to ask you before she gives you the password back are you have you been drinking Yeah, it's that five -parts.

[831] Are you, right?

[832] Be honest about the drinking.

[833] Again, I'm going to ask you.

[834] I have a, do a breathalyzer test and send me the results.

[835] Also, here's, wait, here's an actual, this might help.

[836] If you're already in it, look, you've already, you're drunk and you're in it.

[837] You're looking at your ex -boyfriend and he's got three new girlfriends, all incrementally better than you in all these different ways.

[838] Check out of that current fake reality that you are actually making up in your head and start you can get a little pad of paper and write down all your worst memories from that person because romanticizing people is a is a one way street that you are doing all by yourself so you're basically telling yourself a sad story about how sad it is for you on purpose just to pass the time nobody okay nobody changes significantly unless they have a ton of fucking serious help so whenever a girlfriend would be like now he's with so and so and so and everything's going to be great.

[839] It's like, well, he's still going to fucking show up 45 minutes late to your date.

[840] Like, he's her date.

[841] He's the same person with someone else.

[842] He has not changed because that person is so wonderful that they made him want to change or made her want to change.

[843] It's the same person you had in a different relationship that is part of the reason why you broke up.

[844] Exactly.

[845] And if it's a crush thing, just start.

[846] This has helped me a lot.

[847] getting like self generating a crush online because somebody looks a certain way and says a certain thing reads the books that you fucking think are cool that's all fake so start going he's rude to waiters he doesn't like dogs like just start making a list of things you couldn't live with he actually has he has the kind of breath where it smells like he doesn't floss there's like kind of deal breaker things and just go if you're going to picture all the great things that you're totally making up anyway, make up equally bad things and counteract your own fantasy.

[848] I love it.

[849] Okay, listen to this one.

[850] Okay.

[851] This is from Spitty Vitty.

[852] Great.

[853] And I don't know if this is true or not, but it really sounds true and I really love it.

[854] Hi, I found a bowl in my room in the shape of two hands cut together, which I have never seen before.

[855] It's very, it's very detailed.

[856] You can see all the little hand crevices and make out fingerprints.

[857] None of my flatmates, a .k .a. roommates.

[858] Thank you, British person, for your condescending translation.

[859] We know what a flatmate is.

[860] Know where it came from either.

[861] How do I find out where the bull came from?

[862] It's a fucking witch who has a crush on you.

[863] Does this mean that I have someone living in my attic trying to leave me some kind of message?

[864] My flatmates are convinced I purchased this weird bowl a while ago and just forgot about it.

[865] But that's just not true.

[866] Please help.

[867] Ex -o -X -O -X -O.

[868] Okay, I'm so embarrassing story.

[869] When I was in, like, junior high and reading, like, witchy books that I'd steal from the fucking chain bookstores, what was the one?

[870] Like, you know, like, the Dream Dictionary, like, tarot -y witch books?

[871] And one was, like, take a photo, if you want someone to have a crush on you, take a photo of yourself and wrap and wrap it between two mirrors.

[872] So I snapped off the mirrors from, um, uh, a car?

[873] No, what is the What is the makeup that's from That they have the museum on in Hollywood Max Factor So I snapped off two Max Factor mirrors That I had stolen from Target And I and then you rubber band The whole thing together And I was like how do I get to Brett's house To hide and they have to hide it in their house And they'll fall in love with you I know but I never went to their house But I was like ready to fucking witch this shit up And that's what that sounds like to me Yeah, is there anything in that bowl How about getting those fingerprints processed somehow?

[874] That's a great idea.

[875] What if I had done it and Brett had found it and was like, why is there a photo of Georgia?

[876] And then he calls the police.

[877] Well, here's a couple of possibilities that I'll throw out there.

[878] If you guys had a party recently, you and your flatmates had a party, just a quick one after the pub, maybe some drunk came in and they shoplifted it from.

[879] somewhere and left it in your house.

[880] Maybe your neighbor.

[881] There's a couple of let's not meet stories about people finding stuff in their house and it was people breaking into their house.

[882] So the fear is real, but it's so specific in a bowl, an artie bowl.

[883] I feel like it's like one of your flatmates girlfriends like got the wrong room.

[884] It was an ashtray.

[885] It sounds like an ashtray.

[886] It's kind of.

[887] She's in community college.

[888] What do they call community college in fucking England?

[889] They call it at the hedgerow down the school and the headro Secondary school Secondary headro Here's the thing Go get a fucking nanny cam Stick it in a teddy bear Your flatmates are fucking with you Yeah The end solved Okay I was about to ask this question And then I saw that it's from Stephen Ray Morris Let's hear it He's like I snuck one in I appreciate that Who would be better at Dodge ball.

[890] Can I tell you I used to play like hipster dodge ball?

[891] You remember like in the late 2010s?

[892] It was like hipstery.

[893] Of course you did.

[894] Man I looked cute but I was bad at it.

[895] But I'm really competitive and get angry.

[896] I had to take a Xanax before because I would just get so hyped up about it.

[897] I imagine that you would wear like 80s style the shorts with the white band around the bottom and then like wristband, sweatbands.

[898] Stephen, a sweatband.

[899] Can we include the the photo of me playing in my dog in this dodgeball outfit knee high socks vintage stuck in did you ask him to put that question there so you could post that picture because then we have to start talking about your problem with online reality oh no online reality georgia of dodgeball era was very depressed and anorexic so it's not a positive well i will give you if you're good at dodgeball i'll just say no one can beat me it i didn't say i'm good oh i just said i play okay sorry just I just had I play and look cute.

[900] I wasn't good.

[901] Oh, okay.

[902] Well, is that the question?

[903] Who would be?

[904] Between you and I?

[905] Who would be better?

[906] Yeah, who would be better, yeah.

[907] Oh, I mean, I'm just saying if it was tetherball, I would know the answer.

[908] Tetherball.

[909] Tetherball was my passion.

[910] Oh, my God.

[911] It was my passion.

[912] Girl.

[913] Yeah, you just like, hit it.

[914] You catch it.

[915] There was all those weird rules of how you could touch it and not touch it.

[916] Yeah.

[917] Oh, so, and my grammar school, Wilson's school.

[918] so competitive everybody was like crazy about tetherball when I was growing up tether ball and handball the this kind of handball though not like the middle age oh yeah wall ball yeah okay how about this from Atlanta banana okay what's the best way to remind people your birthdays coming up without appearing self -absor oh my God tell me please I am so bad at birthdays how do you do it oh you're saying just be direct No, I need a know.

[919] I don't know.

[920] Like, my friends all have birthdays, as it turns out.

[921] But I've never written one of them down and they'll be like, hey, it's my birthday.

[922] Like, how do you?

[923] I think you have to say, okay, here's, this is, this is, I think this question is hilarious.

[924] I think it's definitely from someone who is 26.

[925] Okay.

[926] Oh, they care about their birthdays, you mean.

[927] Yeah.

[928] When you get older, you stop, you really stop caring.

[929] And it's not so much like, oh, I fear being older, which I don't.

[930] I actually really adore being old.

[931] older.

[932] Great.

[933] But the idea that it's birthdays are just like New Year's.

[934] They're just like the prom.

[935] You're making up what it needs to be for you to be happy and it never ever, it can't do it.

[936] I completely disagree.

[937] Your birthday is for everyone else to feel good about themselves.

[938] So unfortunately right now in quarantine, it's very odd because people, because, you know, when we're not in quarantine, we can say, hey, my birthday is this week, Friday night, go to the bruce.

[939] And people, want to go out and party.

[940] And so having your birthday as an excuse and then they also don't miss your birthday, everyone's happy.

[941] It's not for you.

[942] It's for everyone else.

[943] But in quarantine, it's all about you.

[944] And I just, I, when I find out that, you know, one of my 10 friends who I give a shit about, like, had a birthday and I fucking missed it, then I feel awful.

[945] Like, I want, we want to give someone attention.

[946] Yes.

[947] And you should feel awful if it's one of your 10 good friends.

[948] because you should have written it down by now, which you and I have done where literally every year I was like, is the 13th, right?

[949] The 11th, the 9th.

[950] I know you're 16th, right?

[951] I only, you're the only person whose birthday I know.

[952] Like I, but that's why when we hired Jay, the first thing I did was say, go around and ask everyone what their birthday is and put it in our calendar.

[953] But we're not addressing the question and we're just now talking about ourselves.

[954] So I think the thing is to do is right, oh, you know what's great?

[955] right now today text all your friends hey I've got a new calendar app when's your birthday I'm putting them all in my calendar app nice right and then they'll say yeah good ones yours yes yep and then actually do it and actually like recently I said to my dad he's like well let me know if you need any help for the with the podcast or anything and I was like you know you can do is tell me when it's my siblings birthdays or anniversaries and so now that's his job is my brother my god every fucking year for the past 15 years I've got I'm two days later wished him a happy birthday because I just completely forget so that's my dad's job now so I think I just love that you're the thing you said in the beginning was like it's about everybody else and then you're just like and I don't participate it is look your birthday is for everybody else yeah that's a I think that's the perfect solution like don't do it around your birthday then that does make you look like needy or whatever you're worried about do it three four six months of away it's the only reason like you're being considerate to other people and you got a new app for your it's the only reason i miss facebook is that i just keep missing people's birthdays that's right if you're on social media in any way birthdays are pretty easy i think yeah but not everyone's on the same app and you don't check it every day and i think i think a text and then it also yeah it makes them be like oh i should know theirs too yeah i think that's i think that is the perfect plan i'd also just begin to release the concept of birthdays being the way people show you they love you because that's not it's not that I like that it happens much more if you can just open up to other times of the year where people can love you where you see a mug in that store in Madison with all the chotchkees and you say Karen would love this and you send it to her for that reason for no reason it's their stupid birthday and fucking time time doesn't even exist There's no fucking calendar.

[956] Okay, go ahead.

[957] Okay, great.

[958] This is from Jamie Lee, Inc. Hey there.

[959] How did you guys separate your spiritual lives from your parents, i .e. not going to church, temple, expressing doubts, etc. That's a great question.

[960] When I can be very specific about this.

[961] When the in the 90s, when the beginning of the spotlight Catholic priest.

[962] molestation cases began my mother was like that's it i've had it and was like i'm not going to church anymore so then my sister and i jumped bandwagoned on her and we're like right us either and my dad's because of this live it really my father was livid my father still goes to church every sunday he was raised in an intensely irish catholic family they used to say the rosary every friday night on their knees in the fucking living room it got said on tv they did it you didn't go out for Friday night until you did that like intense intense intense intense yeah I didn't know that yeah so it's a big part of my family but I think well first of all we were just willing to fight with my dad which was scary and very loud and you had your mom on your side which probably helped a lot it helped immensely but also it was the kind of thing of ultimately you can't I mean it doesn't being forced to something is going to automatically make you not want to do it anymore.

[963] So if my dad knew his stuff, he would have been like, great, never come to church again.

[964] And we would have been like, I miss it.

[965] Oh, the incense or whatever, which is what ended up, I ended up doing when I got into my 30s.

[966] And I was like, well, actually, that made me, it did make me feel good to have the structure and to be thinking about something like once a week instead of just myself every goddamn day.

[967] I do.

[968] I think with Judaism, it's a little, because we were so lax it's easier but i did have a bat mitzvah and i did have a really um unpleasant experience with hebrew school and so then and then you know with punk rock and fucking sci -fi and shit uh yeah i just went really anti god and that and that in this the structure and uh you know organized religion rebelled against that uh also it spirituality is in you so they can't really what you believe or don't believe you know if you're if what you're saying is I don't go I won't go to this place anymore I won't do this thing with you that's you living your life there's not a lot there's not a lot they can do well this is a good one um any job interview advice I'm about to graduate nursing school and I'm a little anxious about some curveballs they might throw my way if they're sorry that's juliana George's when they say what are some of your weaknesses the correct answer is, I don't know.

[969] I guess sometimes I just try too hard to be perfect.

[970] That's always the answer.

[971] I don't know.

[972] Sometimes I get too invested in a project and just give it, you know, so much attention.

[973] Like, they just want you to be.

[974] They're all saying stupid, bold face lies.

[975] Here's my piece of advice for you is when you go to be interviewed, pretend you already got another job that's better.

[976] Ooh.

[977] Because when you're in a job interview, what people are looking for is confidence and experience and so if you're there like kind of in that oh I hope they pick me mode which affects you mentally and physically and kind of joie de vivre style then they'll they'll see you as lesser if you go in with kind of confidence and like a bit of a spring in your step like I'm the one you should pick and it's up to you whether or not you want this but actually I already have another gig You're lucky to be beating me kind of a thing.

[978] Yes.

[979] It's all about confidence.

[980] And we all know this.

[981] Once you get the job, it's all about confidence.

[982] You're trying to tell that person, I'm smart, I'm competent.

[983] I have what it takes to have this job.

[984] So you have to believe it and you have to convey it.

[985] And so you don't have the choice of being, not being confident because you just won't get the job.

[986] If you go in there kind of like hoping with that kind of like, please, pick me. That energy never gets picked because you have to think if they're interviewing 10 people, they're going to be looking for the person that kind of comes in and shines.

[987] So think of yourself when you're really shiny, what the circumstances are when you feel that way about yourself and then fake it in that way.

[988] And also dress up no matter what job you're fucking interviewing for, wear your fucking nicest, don't wear a fucking ball gown, but like your Sunday best, like look like you give a shit.

[989] what they think about you and so you look like clean cut you've got your shit together you know and you cared about this interview look like you care about the interview if you really want the job yeah you know they're like that nurse is really over dress why is that nurse wearing a fucking ball gown and glove and like finger gloves or whatever she can't wear that in the ER um okay this is from H. H. H. Heinz.

[990] A random woman had been giving my cell phone number to companies that spam call me for years.

[991] Literally has been happening since I was in high school and I'm 28 now.

[992] The only thing I know is that her name is Lindsay.

[993] Any advice about how to get it to stop?

[994] Change your phone number.

[995] Change that fucking number.

[996] It's time.

[997] It's high time.

[998] I know you think everyone has ever known you is going to call you and be like, well, this is a not her number anymore, I guess.

[999] I'm never going to hear from her again.

[1000] Click.

[1001] It's just change the fucking phone number.

[1002] Change the number.

[1003] Also, that's easy.

[1004] To random women out there, don't give out an actual phone number.

[1005] Just an actual wrong number.

[1006] That's an actual number.

[1007] You're fucking someone over.

[1008] Yeah.

[1009] Whatever that person's doing and for whatever reason they're doing it, just remove yourself from the situation.

[1010] It's not interesting.

[1011] It's not, there's no like you're not going to get revenge or something.

[1012] It's just some weirdo being weird.

[1013] I don't want to get.

[1014] you my number instead of and also say it with me now eight six seven five three oh nine that's the number you give out right all the youngsters who've never heard that song never just like oh wait is that it doesn't matter reading company write it down eight six seven five three oh nine with whatever area code change that number it's it's time to update it's going to be good to shed a bunch of other people that uh you know make them work for it yeah why not oh here's a good one this is from hanner banana 93 yay it's got to be hanner banana 93 asks how do you know what to talk about in therapy every time sometimes no pressing issues come up and others feel too big to start talking about and then i'm just like cringe face emoji when she asks me what i want to talk about oh god last answer talk about this this is you talking to your therapist about how hard it is for you to crack open and you're worried about levels, sizes, blah, blah, blah.

[1015] And what I have to provide people.

[1016] Yes.

[1017] It's not a one -way street.

[1018] It's a two -way street.

[1019] That is such a great point.

[1020] I have a big hard time with this.

[1021] And my main therapist now is catching on to this that like, I need you to talk.

[1022] I need you to talk.

[1023] And the reason is because I don't, I don't open up to people.

[1024] and I need you to pull it out of me and that might take six fucking months and that's okay as long as they know that also you don't need to go to therapy with a monologue any good therapist will know that you know this is awkward for you and weird um and like with my mom my therapy with my mom I was like talking to my therapist about it like I guess I'll just let her lead and I'll say things when I need to say things and she was like that's not your job like You don't have to give it over to the therapist.

[1025] You just have to be there.

[1026] It's not your job to know how the therapy session is going to go.

[1027] And also, this is actually, we can widen this out to life.

[1028] Yeah.

[1029] Is you don't have to control interactions.

[1030] You don't have to control anything.

[1031] It's all an improvisation.

[1032] So you can show up and not know and just be quiet.

[1033] You can feel awkwardness and do nothing about it.

[1034] you can sit there and be people aren't going to be like what's her fucking problem like that never happens that's just anxiety in your mind going it's supposed to be this but i'm doing this that's made up it's you so if you go to therapy and you have something that you think is wrong size that you want to talk about you need to start talking about what you're that that's the first step worry of i'm not sure how to do this i need you to help me more well the first The two things I've learned is that the moment, the times when I go into therapy being like, I have nothing to talk about are the best sessions.

[1035] Yes, always sessions.

[1036] Because sometimes it's like, I need to talk about what Vince said to me this week.

[1037] And it's like, well, then you're only talking about that.

[1038] But when I have nothing to talk about, then some weird shit that I didn't expect comes up.

[1039] And that's when you're the most honest and, you know, the most insightful.

[1040] Yeah, like let it surprise you.

[1041] Because when you have a plan, oftentimes it's like, I'm here to lock.

[1042] my complaint right and it's like that's actually kind of not that interesting because you're not talking about yourself right you're trying to get someone on your side right so to get to which you can do and like that's valid too yeah but if you actually want to make a little internal progress that you can feel you're going to have to barf up some shit and sometimes well I was just going to say and that's that's a way harder thing to do you can't just do it on your own like it can't just be that if you have a therapist that sits there in silence like an 80s movie of therapy it's I would never be able to have a therapist like that yeah it wouldn't work as a joke in my family when we went to family therapy as when I was a kid was the therapist always says and how does that make you feel and it's just like shitty why are you asked that's like a terrible fucking leading question of course it makes me feel shitty when my brother fucking punches things like what do you expect but the other thing too about that is like opening up like that it might take a long time and you need to come every session with an issue that you want to discuss.

[1043] And that's okay.

[1044] They're finding out about you and your personality.

[1045] And then suddenly in month five, they have, they have been there for all of those problems you've had.

[1046] And so you finally trust them.

[1047] And they can ask some question.

[1048] And also those awkward silences that I've always felt like I needed to fill.

[1049] And it was my responsibility.

[1050] And if it's awkward, then it's my fault.

[1051] And how am I going to fix that?

[1052] is that not everyone feels those and silences don't have to be awkward.

[1053] They could be thoughtful and they could be.

[1054] Well, and there's more people than you in the midst.

[1055] Right.

[1056] So whatever you're feeling doesn't dictate what's happening.

[1057] It's like that's just, that's something that you have to deal with.

[1058] And like, but in a therapy session, if you're starting to feel like there's a way to do it or something or that there's some kind that you're being judged maybe, then you have.

[1059] have to talk to your therapist about that and you have to put it on the table because then whatever information they give you will let you know should I even be in this this therapy relationship with you are you not the right therapist they might not be yeah but I feel like more often and not they're intuitive enough to know what you're doing and what angle you're trying to push and how how how deflective that is about and I'm talking about you person but I'm talking about me how deflective it is to always have an issue to bring and always have a thing you want to talk about and intellectualize your issues they're fucking smarter than that and they know and eventually they're going to figure out a way to break that down and that's when you get into the real the real shit and look it's scary to do that it's very hard to do that and to start really getting into real shit is it doesn't happen the first like Georgia's saying the first couple months like you do have to kind of get warmed up and get to know each other and get into it a little bit so that they can start guiding you through to the places where you really need to go to be talking about yourself.

[1060] Because ultimately that's, you know, the first four years of therapy, I had so many complaint lists and things I needed to report on and I was right.

[1061] You know what I mean?

[1062] There was like, my mom was sick.

[1063] My job sucked.

[1064] My sister, this, my that, da, da, there was lots of stuff.

[1065] Eventually, though, you start to you start to realize that all of that is your way of deflecting and your way of basically pointing the finger at someone else because you feel like if you point the finger at yourself you're going to die right and you're not it just takes a long time it's patterns that they notice whenever my therapist is like well I remember one time you mentioned this and it's something I said three fucking months ago and it mirrors what I'm saying today it's just it blows my mind because you don't think they're paying that much attention but really they're not it's just who they know who you are at that point right which is really comforting guys that's it that's what we're doing that was our that's the advice Q &A yeah did it help we'll never know all right fucking hooray is after four years of trying and one traumatizing loss I spent today wrapping gifts for my seven month old daughter's first Christmas Despite COVID, I am so excited about my first holiday season as a mom and then a little heart.

[1066] Yay, congratulations.

[1067] What an amazing moment.

[1068] It's such an amazing holiday because of that.

[1069] I know.

[1070] There's nothing better than kids in the holidays.

[1071] It really makes it real.

[1072] It's so sweet.

[1073] That's the reason for the season.

[1074] That's right.

[1075] And cats.

[1076] And for cats too.

[1077] Okay.

[1078] This is from Piper Brin.

[1079] My fucking hooray is that.

[1080] Today, I'm celebrating seven years of recovery from my eating disorder.

[1081] Oh, yes.

[1082] Thank you, ladies, for your transparency about the topic and other mental health issues on the show.

[1083] You both serve as a constant inspiration, and I am so thankful for the podcast.

[1084] Congratulations, Piper.

[1085] That's huge.

[1086] Seven years.

[1087] That's huge.

[1088] That's incredible.

[1089] It's great.

[1090] Wow.

[1091] Okay, this is from the fan cult.

[1092] It's from Leani.

[1093] and it says my fucking hooray is I'm an indigenous bead artist and in mid -September I put a call out on Instagram for people to send me their extra or unused beads so I could put beating kits together for incarcerated indigenous people in Canada.

[1094] Wow.

[1095] The response was enormous and we have received literally hundreds of pounds of beads and beating supplies.

[1096] We're going to be able to supply many correctional facilities with beating supplies and even have enough to offer kits to other organizations that work with indigenous families, people in recovery, and at -risk youth.

[1097] To many indigenous people, including myself, beadwork is medicine.

[1098] I'm so grateful to have such amazing Instagram followers who have come together to bring this medicine to indigenous people who need it.

[1099] Fucking hooray.

[1100] And then on Instagram, they're at Only Child Handy Crafts.

[1101] So only child and then Handy with an Eye Crafts.

[1102] That is.

[1103] Amazing Lahani That's beautiful work And I bet you there's a ton of Vernarino Crafters beaders You have leftover beads That would love to get in on that action Absolutely That's so rad That's great Okay let's see This one is from Bonser Ryan And it says This is also from I believe from the fan cult And it says Fun fact at the top I apparently can't spell hooray without spell check I can get it.

[1104] Anyhow, after nearly a year of random episodes of excruciating abdominal pain, I told my anxiety around hospitals to take a walk and went to the doctor.

[1105] That's big.

[1106] She sent me out for an ultrasound because she suspected it may be more serious than the ulcers I thought I was dealing with.

[1107] 2020 has been a party.

[1108] Lo and behold, she was right.

[1109] I have been developing gallstones.

[1110] And it had been going on for so long that my gallbladder.

[1111] is pretty much just a sack of rocks.

[1112] I had my consult with my surgeon this week, and I'll be getting my gallbladder out just before Christmas.

[1113] What a kind gift body you really shouldn't have.

[1114] Thankfully, it's a super minor surgery, so I'll be able to go home a few hours after.

[1115] Oh, thank God.

[1116] And the recovery time is pretty fast.

[1117] Anyway, don't ignore your body's signs of distress and fucking hooray for doctors, especially during a pandemic, wear your goddamn masks.

[1118] and for the medical advances we've made throughout history that taking out an organ can be considered a minor thing.

[1119] Love Ryan.

[1120] P .S., if you're concerned about having gallstones yourself, talk to a doctor, Google is not an adequate substitution for medical care.

[1121] Don't make my mistake of trying to self -diagnose and treat.

[1122] That's such an important message because especially right now, like, I'm not going to the dentist, which is really hard for me and troubling.

[1123] and like I could have some mouth cancer.

[1124] It's so important just to like go and get these little things that have been bugging you.

[1125] Like you shouldn't be in discomfort and you shouldn't be in pain.

[1126] It's a sign of things.

[1127] Yeah.

[1128] And, you know, like what you just said, when you let things go or you don't address things that you're worried about, your anxiety starts telling you terrible story.

[1129] And then you're in a whole other area that you do not need to be on.

[1130] Georgia, you don't have mouth cancer.

[1131] You just don't.

[1132] It's not true.

[1133] It's the thing of like when you've been in pain for three and a half years or dizzy and you don't know what it is and you're just too scared to go to the doctor.

[1134] And then you go and it takes one fucking appointment with the right person to fix it completely.

[1135] And then you can pay attention to other things.

[1136] Or sometimes just like a good dentist that puts his hand on your arm and says you don't have gum cancer, which is what I thought when I finally went to the dentist after four years of not going.

[1137] And I had split gums and all these things.

[1138] things that I was so, I was just like, he's going to send me from here straight to Cedars because this is so bad.

[1139] And I was telling myself all those kinds of stories.

[1140] And he was just like, no, none of that is true.

[1141] You need to go to the hygienist and get your plaque removed.

[1142] That's all.

[1143] You had the, what was inspiring to me as a mammogram and I'm 40 now and I haven't had one and I'm really scared of it.

[1144] And you had one and it was scary, but it was, now you don't have to worry for the next couple of years about this huge thing.

[1145] Right.

[1146] And just like so many things, it was only scary beforehand.

[1147] When you go to, and I'm sure, you know, the place UCLA is the greatest and the people that work there are amazing and murderino's work there.

[1148] There's all kinds of lovely people all over the place.

[1149] It is not a scary experience.

[1150] There are really qualified women's medical, women's nurses, medical techs and doctors who know exactly what they're doing.

[1151] They guide you so nicely.

[1152] And they know.

[1153] everyone is scared because it's like this possibility is so worrisome and they're they're so good at guiding you through it's the unknown I think in every facet of life that's scary and you know yeah if you take care of yourself there's always a way to figure shit out and just yeah and just the story you tell yourself is usually a hundred times worse than the reality with anything everything we've answered every question we've answered today is that the reality is that not knowing and not asking and not finding out is way scarier than knowing because then you have no action steps to take and you don't know how to move forward which is the most important thing in life I feel like yeah and also sometimes people don't know it's your birthday and you're fine and you're the only one that knows it's your birthday and it'll be fine you'll be fine yeah yeah you will be all right well it will be we did it well look listen it's over and we did it we'll do it again it's so where it's fucking December.

[1154] It's the last couple weeks of 2020.

[1155] We're all getting through this together.

[1156] A silver lining is dawning.

[1157] Good things are happening all over the place.

[1158] I saw on CNN, I saw a clip on Twitter of a thing on CNN.

[1159] A 90 -year -old man in England got vaccinated for COVID this morning.

[1160] And they interviewed him.

[1161] It was one.

[1162] Look it up.

[1163] It's so funny and great.

[1164] And he's so, he just said, I haven't died so far.

[1165] I might as well keep living.

[1166] It was the greatest quote.

[1167] Yes, old people.

[1168] It's like there's the Here comes the sun everybody.

[1169] So now more than ever, stay sexy.

[1170] Don't get murdered.

[1171] Goodbye.

[1172] Yeah.

[1173] Elvis, you want a cookie?