Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend XX
[0] Hi, my name is Marie Bamford, and I feel excited about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.
[1] If he needs my friendship, also don't want to push it on him.
[2] Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends.
[3] Because I can tell We are going to be friends Hey there This is Conan O 'Brien Welcome to Conan O 'Brien Why is everyone laughing You gave it such a build -up Like it was going to be something revolutionary You did weird voices with your mouth I warmed up, I went And then I went Hey there This is Conan O 'Brien Welcome to Conan O 'Brien Needs a friend The podcast that gives and gives and gives And then eventually gives out That's the key Sitting here with, of course, Matt Gourley, Matt, how are you?
[4] Hi, I'm good, thanks.
[5] Usually I introduce Sona first, but I thought I'd flip it up.
[6] Oh.
[7] Show you that I'm agile.
[8] I have an agile mind.
[9] Sona, how are you?
[10] To shake things up.
[11] How are you?
[12] Introducing Matt first.
[13] Yeah, yeah.
[14] You never know what's going to happen here.
[15] Keep it fresh.
[16] Keep it fresh.
[17] How are you?
[18] I'm good.
[19] I'm not bad.
[20] I'm cool.
[21] Okay.
[22] All right.
[23] Very good.
[24] Do you want me to say more?
[25] No. I think that's adequate.
[26] You know, you did the minimum amount that you should do.
[27] I am fine, and you.
[28] I think AI is, do you think AI can never replace?
[29] Sonia, everyone's talking about what AI can do.
[30] There already are AI podcasts of, say, Joe Rogan, and I'm sure there's already been some of you.
[31] You think so?
[32] Yeah, probably.
[33] I think this is very easily AIable.
[34] I don't know.
[35] My mind is so hard to program or categorize.
[36] I could see algorithms being confused by my magical brain.
[37] Really?
[38] Because the listeners should know that Sona and I are just sitting in a room with an AI machine.
[39] I think the two of you are not A -Iable, but I think I am.
[40] I laugh and I just go, oh, God, me, I'm going to.
[41] Like, that's what I do, and that's fine.
[42] You're right.
[43] Yeah.
[44] We could probably just take clips of Sona.
[45] Oh, absolutely.
[46] You know, oh, boy, huh.
[47] Oh, really?
[48] Really?
[49] That's what you think?
[50] Yeah.
[51] And then we just split her salary?
[52] Well, I would retain it all, I believe.
[53] Oh, what's in it for me then?
[54] Oh, nothing.
[55] You get nothing, and I get more falcons.
[56] I really got into falconry over the summer.
[57] Yeah.
[58] Oh, you did?
[59] Wouldn't it be great if that was something I got into?
[60] And I had the glove and I had a whole bunch of falcons and they had the little blinders on.
[61] And I had the jackets that they wear when they...
[62] You should do that.
[63] No, you'd be the least falcony guy that's ever falcon.
[64] Because you'd just be like this the whole time, like covering your face.
[65] Cowering.
[66] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[67] I'd wear a...
[68] You know what people wear when they're fencing.
[69] I'd wear one of those complete cages around my face.
[70] And the falcon would be rolling his eyes a lot.
[71] Oh, God.
[72] They put the blinder on just so I couldn't see it roll its eyes.
[73] That's what they're there for.
[74] I would have sarcastic falcons.
[75] Sarcastic, passive aggressive falcons.
[76] Anyway, I've always been fascinated by the idea of falconry.
[77] Have you ever done it?
[78] No. I think we did on late night, we did so many animal segments over the years that I know I've probably had a, I'm sure I've had a falcon on my shoulder and a falcon on my arm.
[79] Fans can look for it and I sure it'll come up instantly.
[80] Whenever I say, no, I've never done blank, instantly someone can find it on the internet.
[81] So yes, I'm certain that I've done it on television.
[82] But no, I don't even know how I would.
[83] Actually, to be honest with you, I don't even know what it is.
[84] I think it's a thing now actually in the L .A. area, like a sort of thing that hipsters can go do and stuff.
[85] Hipsters do everything.
[86] That comes from another time and has no use.
[87] Right.
[88] Do you know what I mean?
[89] Like churning butter.
[90] Axe throwing.
[91] Surgery.
[92] What?
[93] I want a hipster surgeon.
[94] When it's time for me to have surgery, I want a hipster to do it.
[95] These are authentic rust -laden tools from the 18th century.
[96] Exactly, yeah.
[97] These are, no, and exactly, we do surgery before, the way it was done before the 20th century.
[98] Because it all got so sterile.
[99] Yeah.
[100] We do it with these rusty tools.
[101] And we all grow weird beards And we don't clean them And then the beard The oily beard hair Falls into your open wound Fuck you hipsters Is that what we're doing?
[102] No, we're not doing that Oh, I thought we were doing that Because you guys got a little...
[103] That's half of Matt's friends You gotta admit No, I don't have hipster friends You don't have hipster friends?
[104] Mm -mm, come on No, I don't think I do I think I have pretty square friends Okay, yeah Well, some squares are also hipsters.
[105] I guess that's true.
[106] Maybe.
[107] I don't know.
[108] You can't judge yourself from within, huh?
[109] What?
[110] What are you guys talking about?
[111] You've tried to sell that poster to college campuses.
[112] You can't judge yourself from within and it's a cat hanging on a limb or it's Einstein sticking out his tongue.
[113] You can't judge yourself from within.
[114] It'll be great to just come up with terrible slogans and try and sell them to college campuses.
[115] You would be so good at that.
[116] You're the one that you knew you had to be.
[117] And then there's a turtle, bumping heads with another turtle.
[118] Just try to sell those on campus.
[119] Watch yourself get married.
[120] I mean, just, what's the image?
[121] No, the image never has anything to do with the saying.
[122] No, it doesn't.
[123] Yeah.
[124] Yeah.
[125] Like this glass of water.
[126] Yeah.
[127] It's just that glass of water.
[128] And then the saying is, whenever you think you were, that was what it was.
[129] It's just a yellow Volkswagen.
[130] It's a yellow Volkswagen.
[131] tomorrow is yesterday's idea of what you ate and then it's a baby elephant sleeping wearing a sombrero we're going to sell that to somebody merch i'm smeller merch i'm smeller merch i want more can you do another one these are fun yeah well uh okay come on make me laugh clown this AI is working pretty well.
[132] It is working really well.
[133] It gets him.
[134] Sunshine is the regret you used to know during daylight.
[135] And then just put underneath it, Thoreau.
[136] You can just put anybody's name under Heathet.
[137] You know what I'd love to do is just sell a whole bunch that are like, shit's going down, Gandhi.
[138] That's good.
[139] You know, that's what I want to do.
[140] Who farted?
[141] Fackere.
[142] Back that shit up.
[143] Jane Austen.
[144] I want to sell those right now.
[145] We're on it.
[146] Right?
[147] Isn't that the one?
[148] Isn't that?
[149] Back that shit.
[150] Back that shit up.
[151] Jane Austen.
[152] That's what we absolutely have to do.
[153] We're going to get sued by everyone's estate.
[154] Oh, come on.
[155] They're not paying attention.
[156] Fair use.
[157] Copyright is expired.
[158] Yeah.
[159] Everyone knows how Jane Austen talked.
[160] Yeah, if anyone knows it's you two about copyright law.
[161] There we go.
[162] We're good.
[163] I'm crying.
[164] I'm actually crying a little bit.
[165] Fact that shit up got me really good.
[166] Drop it like it's hot, ho.
[167] Melville.
[168] I'd hit that.
[169] Mary Todd Lincoln.
[170] Oh, my God.
[171] We're going to sell these.
[172] We should.
[173] And I don't see any legal or moral reason why we shouldn't.
[174] I don't think there could be because you can do anything with those historical figures.
[175] If you've liked what I've just said, write to me, Kara, make that poster, dude at 2222 Scooby -Doo Avenue.
[176] Uh -huh.
[177] And I'll get right back at you, postage included.
[178] No city, no state.
[179] Oh, come on, man. Yeah, state of cool.
[180] City of here and now.
[181] Yep.
[182] Shabbadoo ding -dong Habes -gab -a -d -dae.
[183] I got to pull the plug on this.
[184] What is wrong with you?
[185] I'm the one person.
[186] My wife is going to have me attached to a machine and then pull the plug.
[187] She's going to have the plug inserted just so she can pull it and I'll be perfectly healthy.
[188] Smart.
[189] All right, we've got to get into it.
[190] My guest today is a hilarious comedian who starred in the Netflix series Lady Dynamite.
[191] She now has a new memoir titled, Sure, I'll Join Your Cult, A Memoir of Mental Illness and the Quest to Belong Anywhere.
[192] Maria Bamford, welcome.
[193] I've talked to so many comedians, either on late night, but especially on this show, and they talk about these early jobs they've had.
[194] People have had some really crazy jobs, but you had one that you talk about in the book where it's early, you're trying to get into show business, it hasn't quite jelled in stand -up yet, and you get this gig doing some kind of a Star Trek show.
[195] Deep Space Nine.
[196] Deep Space Nine.
[197] But it's a live show that you did at a mall.
[198] Yes.
[199] What?
[200] And, okay.
[201] Paramount had a subsidiary named Paramount Park, so I'm sure has been dissolved.
[202] And a man named Stan ran it.
[203] And he...
[204] It's always a Stan.
[205] Stan would tell us about fantastic new gigs.
[206] We're doing a Jack of the Brock's promotion.
[207] You and a Klingon want to go out And we'd drive out to Pomona And stand around saying things like Greetings, I'm Major Le Lanka of the planet Bejore And Get the fuck away from me So you had to memorize All right You had to memorize all this stuff Well, I was I can sometimes be half -assed When it comes to certain jobs So stand -up I really care about But that one I know I could have gone deep into the Bajoran history and Star Trek itself, I did not.
[208] You didn't do it.
[209] Were you in makeup and stuff too?
[210] Oh, yes.
[211] This is my genetic makeup.
[212] Do you speak of, oh, spirit gum.
[213] Oh, so you had to, if any kid said to you, hey, nice mask, you'd have to say mask.
[214] Yes.
[215] Of what do you speak, Earth creature, that kind of stuff.
[216] Yes.
[217] Oh, yes.
[218] Well, that's what I did.
[219] No one told me to do it.
[220] Did you go off?
[221] Natural bleed.
[222] Natural gift.
[223] And what is the, in the book you talk about going off script a bit, which was really funny.
[224] Well, because I did read a little bit of Up with the Jorns, and it turned out they were kind of what I felt like.
[225] It was sort of the World War II Jewish experience of that realm.
[226] And so.
[227] And this is sci -fi.
[228] Yeah.
[229] It's not real, but you decided to go deep into that and then bring that to the mall and tell kids about it.
[230] Is that correct?
[231] My parents, the last I saw.
[232] from them.
[233] I was in the attic of my parents' house.
[234] Yes, we had houses.
[235] We were not animals.
[236] Oh, you have a wrinkly face.
[237] We are not too different to you and I. And I, I was playing with my paper dolls.
[238] And yet all I have left is my parents is this bloody paper doll.
[239] I heard their screams.
[240] You were saying this to kids at a mall.
[241] Listen.
[242] Hey, lady, I just want some jolobies.
[243] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[244] I got a 45 -minute shift.
[245] I got to keep their attention.
[246] We're in the food.
[247] Oh, that would have my attention.
[248] A whole race was destroyed.
[249] Oh, you think I should be with a Ferengi.
[250] Because you'd like to see what would come out from us.
[251] What child we would have?
[252] You just think of all the kids out there right now that are going to be standing.
[253] hand -ups and write books like yours because they went to the mall one day.
[254] Oh, there's a fun alien.
[255] How dare you look at me?
[256] I was molested by a grog.
[257] Nine tentacles it was.
[258] Even though I felt a little pleasure, that pleasure.
[259] Oh, wait a minute, what?
[260] Well, the confusion of the trauma is that you can't feel the shame of all.
[261] We've got to get this to the Star Trek people.
[262] This is good stuff.
[263] This is very good stuff.
[264] No, but I want to acknowledge that the Star Trek, it is a real world, and I did not mean the poop on it.
[265] Well, I don't think you did.
[266] Okay.
[267] It's not like when you do a show, you have to acknowledge the native land that you're on.
[268] It's fair game.
[269] No, you do with Star Trek, too.
[270] You do acknowledge this was all taken from Gene Rodden.
[271] let me issue an up okay first of all an apology you have to tweet out an apology number one I have to find out what I did wrong that's supposed to thing when you do an apology you say what is it that I did Maria you know you know deep down you know no because then I have to that's what I do then I repeat what the person says that I did you know paraphrasing and then I take that in and then I order a book um about it And then I say, I bought this book, is that a book to get?
[272] And then they usually say, yeah, I mean, I didn't really, it wasn't a big deal to me. I was just, I didn't think you would read this.
[273] So wait, Maria, the torture you put yourself through in the smallest ways and you're such a lovely person.
[274] I want to lift that burden from you.
[275] I do.
[276] I'm not going to.
[277] No, no. But I, you know.
[278] There's a delightful safety in OCD, in feeling, you know, that feeling of like, oh, if I did just the right thing, then you can find relief.
[279] It never happens.
[280] It never happens.
[281] I admit he's wondering.
[282] But no, yeah, I like to feel like I fully executed the best.
[283] I'm sorry.
[284] Have you had to apologize for things publicly?
[285] Oh, sure.
[286] Yeah, pretty much my whole career.
[287] but it's been I think of my 30 years is one long one long apology one long backing out of a cocktail party you want to give it another shot right now we've covered it okay but America you know I meant well my mom at the end of her life was just sort of like constantly saying sorry sorry sorry you know just sort of like a water off a Doug's back like I'm just going to keep going and apologizing as I go it's not a bad strategy because sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry is means that you're going to get it right sometimes yeah exactly it's not a bad it's not a bad default it's a good thing for you to just sort of do now yeah i don't think so okay now we're an interesting time as we record this because the writer's strike is going and so money let's talk about it well wow you really lit up right oh my god yeah oh people are fighting over money and all kinds of stuff.
[288] And so, but one of the things about the writer's strike is that there's this rule that, and we all want to do the right thing, that podcasts, you know, can't promote certain projects, but I am allowed to talk about books that I love that people have written.
[289] And that's why I wanted to talk to you, because you've written a book, sure, I'll join your cult, which is a fantastic title.
[290] Sure, I'll join your cult by Maria Bamford.
[291] And you are adored.
[292] You are a beloved stand -up comic, and you wrote a fantastic book.
[293] And I just wanted to start off by saying, congratulations, and to everyone listening right now, go get this book.
[294] It's fantastic.
[295] And there's so much to talk about here, because your whole career has been, you are so open about what you've been through.
[296] And, man, you've been through a lot.
[297] Listen, I like to, well, monetize self -reli - yeah, I like telling everybody everything.
[298] and it turns out that's a cash cow.
[299] So we're going to say monetize your pain.
[300] Well, or just like, have we ever read the book, The Giving Tree?
[301] Yeah, yeah.
[302] Which I'm trying to rewrite it as the giving condo.
[303] All there was was the shade of the condo.
[304] You can lay in the shade.
[305] You can't come in because you sold it to Russia.
[306] The giving tree, the premise is the tree gives everything until finally.
[307] Finally, all there is this is a stump for the little boy to sit on who is now an old man. And, yeah, I have nothing left to give except, you know, stories.
[308] I do like, I like open book accounting.
[309] That's one of my last things I have to give.
[310] I'm a multimillionaire.
[311] I am worth $3 .5 million in assets.
[312] So that's multi.
[313] And, you know, so I feel like my dad passed away, which means he was a physician.
[314] I am white.
[315] It was generational wealth.
[316] So I'm doing okay over here.
[317] And I think the one thing I have to give is full, you know, open -book accounting.
[318] Full disclosure.
[319] Yeah, because I love companies that do that, Chobani Yogurt, where they taught everybody in the company got to take accounting classes and then find out what everything in the yearly report means.
[320] So there's actually some way you can argue for a raise or to go, oh, that's why I'm paid that amount.
[321] I'm listening.
[322] Yeah.
[323] Yeah.
[324] Listen, I go a different route than Chabani.
[325] See, I go more of a, I don't know, what's say, Vladimir Putin route.
[326] Yeah.
[327] It's no one's business how much wealth there is in the walls of the Kremlin.
[328] No mysteries.
[329] And, yeah, if people ask any questions, they just go away.
[330] Yes, there's a lot of poison in the muffins.
[331] Yeah.
[332] By the way, goarly, have a muffin.
[333] Wipe my doorknobs before I use them.
[334] No, but it's...
[335] And I put that in the book, like I put in a financial bit of like a...
[336] Because I find this stuff fascinating and not because I know anything.
[337] Like, I don't know anything about money, nor do I know if I'm doing the right thing or the wrong thing.
[338] But it is such an emotional topic.
[339] I find it, you know, people get so mad or so embarrassed or so ashamed, including myself.
[340] Like, every time I see my account.
[341] and I'm just like, it doesn't matter what they're saying.
[342] You know, oh, you're in the same amount.
[343] How dare you?
[344] Like, it doesn't, yeah, it's the emotions don't match the numerics.
[345] It's interesting.
[346] It can flip so quickly from the flip between gratitude that you have something and rage that you don't have more of that thing is so instantaneous and it's such a human thing.
[347] Yeah, or somebody asking, have.
[348] Have you ever been asked to do something for free?
[349] Oh, yeah.
[350] Right.
[351] So, which sometimes, you know, if I think, like sometimes, let's say, and this is a current schick I'm working on, but grimace.
[352] I know grimace, it doesn't even matter who the person is.
[353] But sometimes you get a text from a famous person at around midnight on a Saturday night who says, you know, in sort of a business, you up.
[354] And let's just say it was grimace, which is the liminal space between.
[355] the hamburger and Mayor McCheese.
[356] Yeah, I remember Grimmis.
[357] Yeah, lovable.
[358] Wasn't he the, he was the...
[359] Purple guy.
[360] Purple, but didn't he represent the shakes, the milkshakes?
[361] Well, didn't they just put out a Grimmis shake in commemoration?
[362] He's having a moment or something.
[363] Yeah, yeah.
[364] No, he's definitely doing well.
[365] Grimis is finally having his moment.
[366] Yeah, and I love Grimmis.
[367] Yeah.
[368] But then Grimis said, hey, do you want to work on this thing tomorrow?
[369] Wait a minute.
[370] Grimmis, the character from McDonald's, it's a placeholder.
[371] It's a placeholder for someone I know.
[372] Vladimir Putin.
[373] Oh, I see.
[374] I see.
[375] You could have just said someone I know.
[376] Why are we talking about grimace?
[377] Because it has to have the weight and the celebrity and the authority.
[378] Yes.
[379] And the fear involved, the anxiety involved of meeting someone as powerful as grimace face to face in your own living room.
[380] Yes.
[381] Like there's some sort of like your new shake a little bit.
[382] And I basically, and I also, the minute you said grimace, I know what celebrity you're talking about.
[383] But go ahead.
[384] So I, you know, I texted all my friends in Debtors Anonymous, which is a 12 -star program, which is a lot like Tony Robbins, if Tony Robbins was a small, it was about 4 -9.
[385] And talk like this.
[386] Anyways, but, and I said, you know what, I really want to get paid for this.
[387] And so I asked, I asked her miss for about 800 bucks.
[388] And 300 bucks was to pay the venue that he wanted to use in my neighborhood.
[389] A hundred bucks would be the tips for the barista to keep.
[390] Quint, 200 bucks to, oh no, 100 bucks for the person who we were going to commandeer into doing something with us, and then 300 bucks for myself because I have an addiction to clogs.
[391] Anyways, this all sounds, by the way, this all sounds very reasonable.
[392] Reasonable.
[393] Yeah.
[394] So now, Grimmis, who I adore, I think the way he paid out the money was in hundreds in a very slow fashion.
[395] Passive aggressive.
[396] Yeah.
[397] In a way that suggested, he did not have the money.
[398] And I know that's not true.
[399] Can't possibly be true.
[400] No, Grimmis.
[401] I mean, all that money from the shakes.
[402] I mean, it's not Grimmis, but, you know, yeah.
[403] Billions served, right?
[404] So I just, yeah, it's that kind of thing where I think I need to have empathy for grimace because obviously they're hurt.
[405] Like, they're hurt by me asking for money.
[406] Like, there's something offensive in me asking for money.
[407] And then, you know, and also I'm.
[408] It's just interesting.
[409] Was it for a charitable event?
[410] No, no. Oh, okay.
[411] That's so different.
[412] I do a lot of things.
[413] And I don't want to, you know, shoot my own horn, but I give and give and give.
[414] So many charitable causes.
[415] But that I get.
[416] I understand.
[417] Sure, I'll show up and do the thing.
[418] And here's my argument with charity kicks.
[419] I am often asked by a fan.
[420] The people they're trying to get money from are not fans.
[421] They are very wealthy people in Napa Valley or somewhere where I recently did a benefit and bombed so hard because people in Napa Valley, they've had some wine.
[422] They don't want to hear about schizophrenia research in my chunk on suicidal ideation.
[423] They would like to have Howie Mandel come up as soon as possible.
[424] And that's why I refuse to do benefits because I just think I'm hurting people.
[425] I got to a point and there's no way around it, but tell me if you agree, performing for people who are eating.
[426] That's just this thing that when I hear chewing and I hear silverware and gulping when I'm trying to tell a joke that I sweat it over, I'm very unhappy.
[427] Thanks a lot, Gory.
[428] Gwerely's also eating a massive cobbler right now with a big wooden spoon.
[429] Yeah, it feels sad.
[430] And if there's, I mean, I don't know, if some people are enjoying themselves, for me, I feel like it's like a gig where it's like combat duty where I'm like taking a bullet for somebody.
[431] And so it's like it's unnecessary and everybody's suffering.
[432] I think it's right and healthy for you to say, okay, here's what I need in return.
[433] It's not outrageous.
[434] You just wanted to pay off some people and you wanted some clogs.
[435] That is very reasonable.
[436] Thank you so much.
[437] Well, and I just, it's also fascinating.
[438] I'm a comedian who, you know, I'm in the middle of the pack or whatever.
[439] So the opening salary for comics has not gone up in the 30 years that I've been working.
[440] So people are still getting $100 a week, $200 a week.
[441] And I think many, I didn't know that.
[442] And so I started asking people and I was like, say what?
[443] Like, because I'm making tons more than that, you know.
[444] I mean, depending on what city I meant.
[445] But let's be honest.
[446] Also, Oklahoma, and not so much.
[447] Not a draw, not a draw.
[448] I won't be back.
[449] I won't be back.
[450] It's fine.
[451] Do you realize you're crying right now?
[452] Lots of tears.
[453] But I find it very interesting, including for myself, like, there is no reason I should ever feel afraid or angry about money ever again, ever again.
[454] And yet I do.
[455] I'll feel like this weird thing.
[456] Also, with grimace, like, I did not.
[457] have to do the gig.
[458] I didn't I could have said no because like I got friends you know I got I got enough love in my life like what is it that's pushing me to feel like oh I got to get the the prestige or the bright you know like someone to pay more attention to me which is so sad which I loved about John Mullaney's special of like now I just need to get a little more attention that's the only thing I need but yeah so and that's weird too.
[459] You know, like, and it's about greed, you know, greed of attention, but greed of, you know, which I think is a part of our society in terms of, you know, why are the rich getting so much richer and why, you know, anyways.
[460] I'm sorry, I fell asleep in my own narrative.
[461] Okay, this is what I'm taking away from, from what you just said.
[462] and also from your book, which is you are constantly, I mean, just now you're talking, you're analyzing society, but also yourself, but also what does money mean?
[463] There's so much that you're thinking about all the time.
[464] And it all goes back to this, I want to mean to say compulsion.
[465] Yes.
[466] To think and consider everything.
[467] Yes.
[468] And you talk a lot about OCD and how you've been battling OCD really your entire life.
[469] Yeah.
[470] I mean, now it's not so bad because you know when.
[471] you find out what the thing is, you know, you go to it, and then they go, oh, that's just that.
[472] And you go, oh.
[473] Once you put a name on it.
[474] Yeah, once you put a name on it, you take away its power.
[475] Yeah, yeah.
[476] So, yeah, I have intrusive OCDs, which usually are taboo thoughts.
[477] So whatever is taboo in your society, you know.
[478] When you were a kid, you told your mother.
[479] Yes.
[480] Because it's in the book, you told your mother that you had these thoughts of harming the family.
[481] Yes.
[482] And she said, honey, it's okay if you're gay.
[483] All right.
[484] Well, now you just added a whole new set of...
[485] Yep, that's how a gay person comes out.
[486] I'm thinking of murdering the family.
[487] Yeah, and somehow being homosexual was worse in the 80s than being a serial killer.
[488] Right, right.
[489] I can't you be more like Ted Bundy.
[490] He's heterosexual.
[491] At least like the ladies.
[492] You say that your mom, because you talk a lot about your mom.
[493] And you talk about how she was kind of, you think one of the catalysts or one of the maybe moving forces behind you getting into show business.
[494] Totally.
[495] Why?
[496] My mom.
[497] Well, she loves things that are shiny, but she also, and this is something I realized after she passed, I always thought she had like style, like she knew what was the best thing.
[498] And now I realized, oh, she just chose to see everything she got as the best.
[499] So this microphone is just darling.
[500] No, you can tell it's quality.
[501] It's made.
[502] It's handcrafted by someone in the water.
[503] Oh, I love it, Conan.
[504] I love it.
[505] I'm a lucky kitty.
[506] That's actually a lovely quality.
[507] Yes.
[508] So how does that translate into you wanting to go into show business?
[509] Well, because she was often distracted, which I think may have been a result of not getting enough calories.
[510] But, you know, always sort of like it needed, it needed.
[511] needed to have some shine on it.
[512] So my sister became a physician that seemed to get her enough attention like, oh, well, my older daughter is a doctor, and she has four children with her husband, Mark.
[513] And then, you know, and then it was sort of me on my end.
[514] It was quiet for a number of years.
[515] Well, Mary is just figuring it out.
[516] She's just figuring it out.
[517] But like, oh, my God, as soon as, you know, she has been, well, the first TV spot I got was on your show.
[518] show, you know.
[519] That's in 1999, I think.
[520] She came on late night.
[521] She is on Conan.
[522] She's on television.
[523] Like, she would just light up about, yeah, consumer or anything with a, yes, she loves status, love status.
[524] I have, I have talked about this, I think before on the podcast, but I have this picture on my desk that someone took when I was at an event.
[525] It was my parents.
[526] It was probably like 15 years ago.
[527] And it's both of my parents laughing really hard.
[528] because I'm on stage in the picture.
[529] I'm not in the picture.
[530] It's just both my parents laughing really hard.
[531] And I asked, someone showed me that picture.
[532] And I said, can I have that?
[533] And I framed it.
[534] And I keep on my desk because if anyone ever needs the reason why.
[535] And it's very primal.
[536] Yeah.
[537] But it is, see those two people that made me laughing?
[538] That's why.
[539] That's why.
[540] That's the whole thing.
[541] And as you know, I'm wondering if in your book, you make it clear that when you get up on stage and you get that kind of approval and laughter, it does resonate because you've felt it before.
[542] It's when you were a kid and your parents were going, yay, get on the box for Papa.
[543] Yeah.
[544] It's the same dopamine head.
[545] Oh, it's just delightful.
[546] I don't know if anybody's heard of Suzuki violin or it's a way people teach their kids music and it came out of Japan.
[547] And it all is all about if you teach a kid early enough, they can do anything.
[548] So you start at two years old, you will have a weirdly, you know, talented, whatever it is.
[549] Very unhappy.
[550] Yeah.
[551] Perhaps unhappy, dependent on.
[552] Mouth formed hands.
[553] But you can, you know, kids can do anything.
[554] So, so, and you talk about this in the book, because you did Suzuki violin, what age did you start?
[555] Three.
[556] Now, whose idea was it your mom or dad?
[557] Well, they said, honey, you can, you can, do dance or violin.
[558] And I didn't really know what either of those were.
[559] Yeah, you're three.
[560] I was three.
[561] So I said, why not the V sound?
[562] And then started doing that.
[563] No, little did I know what she said, which I didn't understand that either.
[564] She said, you cannot quit until you're 12 years old.
[565] And I didn't understand time and how that worked.
[566] But, yeah, I mean, the great thing about that, it kept me off the pipe, off the pole.
[567] And also, actually, it's something you could use on the pole.
[568] Yeah, I mean, kids are incredibly malleable.
[569] And if you look as a parent that you're pleased at the actions that they're, you know, performing, whether that's factory work in a chicken parts situation, you will do it.
[570] You will continue to do it and get back at it.
[571] How good did you get at piano using this method?
[572] I got, that's violent.
[573] Yeah, I mean.
[574] It'd be funny if you got really good at the piano.
[575] That'd be very strange.
[576] You know, weirdly good where you go, oh, wow, that's quick.
[577] Crazy.
[578] You know, where I think I got to book eight out of ten, and I went to the interlocking music camp, international music camp.
[579] Did it give you any joy?
[580] Not really.
[581] I did not enjoy it.
[582] The part I liked was getting up on stage.
[583] I like that part.
[584] And then I kind of like the feel of victory, like if I whooped somebody, like if somebody didn't do well and then I did well, which is monstrous.
[585] and what I like more was getting laughs and stuff because I did some theater and stuff as a kid and speeches.
[586] Yeah.
[587] But then I moved to Los Angeles.
[588] There were two other comedians who were female doing acts with violence.
[589] And so I said to myself, I think I can kick this to the curb now.
[590] Henny Young Women?
[591] Henny Young Women.
[592] Well, yeah, I think Henny Youngman genuinely loved to play.
[593] I have...
[594] And Jack Benny famously played.
[595] I played much, I think, better violin than he let on.
[596] Right.
[597] But it was part of his act as well, which is everyone hates my violin playing, you know.
[598] Right.
[599] That's a good act.
[600] There's so many themes you touch on in the book.
[601] Food is one of them.
[602] Yes.
[603] Let's talk about food.
[604] Take me through your food journey because it's been frot.
[605] Frot.
[606] Well, I mean, I think, you know, and I've talked to other comedians, you know, said I was bulimic, which bulimic, And bulimia is, it's one of the ways you can be bulimates, just binge and then purge through exercise.
[607] You don't necessarily have to have been a vomiting perjure.
[608] So maybe I don't count to some people because it is a competitive sport.
[609] And I did.
[610] Oh, vomitor, eh?
[611] Oh, my God.
[612] You get into treatment and people are like, so, I mean, have you blown out your exophagus?
[613] Like, it does get.
[614] I mean, are you really?
[615] a heroin addict.
[616] Like, it always gets competitive at some point.
[617] This is so fascinating to me because this is what human beings do.
[618] Everything is a competition.
[619] You could be on a raft in a boat with three other people starving to death in the ocean because you've been at sea and you're drinking your own urine for six weeks.
[620] And people are like, you call that skinny?
[621] Yeah, I guess.
[622] Look at this over here.
[623] My pelvis is cutting through my skin.
[624] All right?
[625] Yeah.
[626] People, there's something?
[627] Some people like, yeah.
[628] So you're saying.
[629] that you're in treatment and you're getting attitude from people that don't think you qualify.
[630] Oh, shit, yeah.
[631] Yeah, no, like, yeah, what are you here for?
[632] I worked at a grocery store so I could binge carrots and my skin could turn, you know, orange, you know, that type of thing.
[633] I, yeah, it was bad enough that I was unable to get stuff done, you know, so I was unable to leave my dorm room when I was in college and so I called a suicide hotline.
[634] said hello and um they gave me the number to over eaters anonymous what a white woman was bulimic how did it start um anyways so it's not that interesting of story and in fact i've told comedians and they're just like yeah that's everybody's well then everyone has an eating disorder and i'm like well okay fair enough i don't think you should be looking to other comedians for sympathy because i it's we're the we're all the worst people so that's the first problem Hey, that's not funny.
[635] You've got to punch that up.
[636] Yeah, yeah.
[637] The part when you call the suicide hotline, no, no, you don't end there.
[638] You punch it with this.
[639] Okay, you're talking to the wrong people.
[640] Well, and 988, if you need to call it.
[641] But sometimes there is a 45 to 90 minute wait.
[642] So call anybody.
[643] I called Hertz Run a Car, South Pasadena, California.
[644] They picked up on the first ring.
[645] Anyways, just FYI, 988 is not always perfect.
[646] Are you being serious right now?
[647] I am being totally serious.
[648] If you tax.
[649] And this is important because you've been through this experience.
[650] and you've had very dark thoughts.
[651] And this is something to take seriously.
[652] 988 is the number you call if you're having...
[653] Suicidal thoughts or fear of hurting yourself or someone else.
[654] But if you don't get them, do you really believe that you should call anyone else?
[655] Oh, I think, yeah, lower the bar to accessing mental health.
[656] Because there's such...
[657] I don't know.
[658] I think it's such a load of bullshit like they have all these memes going, hey, you ask for help, you know, tell someone.
[659] And it's like, you cannot get an appointment.
[660] if you even have insurance for six weeks, six eight weeks, and then they'll only see you maybe four times if you've had a traumatic event and that event you can only have a therapist like Kaiser is notorious for this where they can only see you once a month even if you have a shit ton of money you can throw money in the street and burn it and they'll sometimes there's some shitty I went to the hospital to because I was concerned about myself for a three -day hold and I thought they took my insurance turned out they didn't they said they needed all the money in cash which made me laugh in retrospect because isn't spending an enormous amount of money on something that's going to be worthless a sign of mania but it was not good it wasn't great like if you look in the back of the New Yorker and there's all those mental health care places Because if you read about experiences people have had there, it's just a holding take.
[661] I went to this one place where it's very expensive.
[662] They said they had yoga classes, a pool.
[663] You get there, nothing's going on.
[664] Nothing's happening.
[665] It's a lot of carbs.
[666] There's hash browns.
[667] You will put on at least 20 pounds.
[668] And the pool is closed.
[669] Pool is closed due to insurance concerns.
[670] This is most motels, I've stated.
[671] Most motels.
[672] There's hash browns and the pool is always closed.
[673] Yeah, well, that's why.
[674] I think you went to a motel.
[675] Hampton, Hampton in.
[676] But just, yeah, that I think you can feel like you've been gaslit sometimes, like, oh, am I not getting the right care?
[677] And just know it will be shit, like, and be surprised if you get anything a little better than, you know, if you get any eye contact, you know, just, I just, I hate, I hate that thing where it's like, hey, you with the ongoing trauma and this gets so affected.
[678] disorder, get a massage.
[679] Take a walk.
[680] You know, and it's like, it's not, it's not that easy.
[681] Yeah.
[682] Nor is it always pleasant.
[683] One of the things that you do so well, so effectively is, and effective is a cold term, because I admire the way you do it.
[684] You're brutally honest about all these painful things you've been through, and you never, you're always funny, too, at the same time, you managed to get the salty and the sweet mixed up very beautifully.
[685] And I think that's edifying.
[686] That's helpful for a lot of people.
[687] Well, that's my current thing in terms of, well, this is a punchline.
[688] But now I call the anti -abortion people because all their literature says life is a gift.
[689] Have them take the time to prove it to you.
[690] I recently called, hi, I'm not pregnant.
[691] My mother was.
[692] And that saucy bitch.
[693] She kept it.
[694] Now, it's 52.
[695] two years later, what's the plan?
[696] I would really like to be placed in a loving home.
[697] That's beautiful.
[698] I've got some phone calls I'd like to make.
[699] I think we all have some calls we'd like to make.
[700] Yeah.
[701] But yeah.
[702] And I think, yeah, I think we can also be there for each other a lot more of that the peer advocacy, I've just trained to be a peer advocate and a lot of you can have lived experience, take a test and then be paid to work in the mental health system if you have lived experience with addiction or mental health.
[703] And I think we can help each other a lot more by being more open with it and then also the availability of like, hey, yeah, you don't have to go into a hospital necessarily or find the right therapist, which is a thing in Los Angeles, like, you've got to see this guy.
[704] He's a psychopharmacologist.
[705] He's on, he's on retainer.
[706] So it's five grand a month.
[707] But I see him on a helicopter pad.
[708] And he lets me do Ialaska.
[709] He really helped.
[710] He really helped.
[711] He helped grimace so much.
[712] And I love grimace.
[713] Let's be clear about that.
[714] Well, you know, that's the other possibility is that we used to live.
[715] And, you know, I always think about evolution.
[716] We evolved.
[717] And we evolved.
[718] And we.
[719] evolved to live in groups of about, I don't know, 50, 60.
[720] All of us would live in a small area and the postman would come in when he brought you the mail and sit with you and you'd offer him a piece of coffee cake and you'd talk for 20 minutes and there was a lot of that kind of bonding.
[721] Yeah.
[722] If I don't want my postman to come in and there's no coffee cake.
[723] But get to know the names of your barista.
[724] Who knows what they've been through or taken at a, you know, community college?
[725] Like, I feel like that is genuinely can be.
[726] like, I mean, I try to mention I'm bipolar everywhere I go so that, you know, if somebody needed something just because I think they're, that that kind of, yeah, safety net of, yeah, you're just, you're surrounded by people who can help and who want to help.
[727] Everybody wants to feel useful.
[728] Everyone wants to have an IRL experience.
[729] So, so you've been diagnosed with bipolar too.
[730] Yes, which is the, that's the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the.
[731] easier sort of bipolar from one of my part.
[732] So you've had a competitive conversation with someone who's bipolar one.
[733] Oh, bipolar two.
[734] Well, that must be a nice holiday.
[735] So you'd never had psychosis.
[736] I was told to murder by my dog.
[737] And you've been in several psych warts?
[738] You talk about that in the book?
[739] Just two different ones.
[740] Glendell at Venice Psychiatric Medical Center.
[741] I was in West, Psych West.
[742] and then I was at the last and seen us still in business do not recommend it you just gave them a bad Yelp review well no no I never give bad reviews I always feel like everyone's having a hard enough time well here's the thing the psychiatrist there who has since retired he when I went in because yeah I got to see a psychiatrist which is amazing and he not only he googled me during the session but then played some of my act back to me and said oh you're pretty funny unless I say I'm Richard prior you know like and wait until I've left you know if I'm having some sort of experience where I think I'm somebody else just assume maybe she's a comedian like maybe she's like because I think I said I was a comedian which is always a terrible idea I'd say in a hospital circumstance, but I, uh...
[743] Isn't the first thing you get, tell me a joke?
[744] Uh, yes.
[745] Or wherever I've seen you or, you know, and all jobs have that sort of thing, you know.
[746] Uh, I know I've heard people say if, you know, you're...
[747] I'm an administrative assistant.
[748] Oh, oh.
[749] Like, you know, sometimes you don't get any questions.
[750] Right.
[751] And you have a lot to say.
[752] When you go to these places and you're in that state, are you ever, are you ever, thinking about comedy or looking around and thinking no no no i mean if you're having a emergency event for any sort of whether that's a physical or a mental uh issue you're not yeah no no you're in a completely altered state yeah just yeah no i wanted to i wanted to die i was not feeling good yes so no it's like something's broken or you don't go you know this pain I don't somebody take notes on this maybe you are I worry that I would but I'm deeply like how could I use this and I but I the pain you're describing to be honest with you is a pain I have not felt so I cannot relate yeah I hadn't and I hadn't felt that either I don't think I had felt that you know of just like your brain I wasn't there I wasn't there and that feeling of like, oh, I, there's no me here.
[753] And, yeah, I just did not.
[754] Like, every moment was excruciating.
[755] I was so grateful when they came around with the meds.
[756] I was just like, oh, my God, knock me out with a hammer.
[757] And they don't do that anymore.
[758] That was the 60s.
[759] But that ended with the three stooges.
[760] But that was really nice.
[761] Like, Jonathan Winters, he had had, I think, a few psychiatry.
[762] episodes.
[763] And in the 60s, I think they would just, everyone was just, there was just a big jar of alum you out.
[764] And then they would, they'd just numb you out.
[765] And he was there for months.
[766] But my friend, I have a friend who's friends of his.
[767] And I was so out of it.
[768] I was just like, he's like, I'm calling Jonathan.
[769] He'll tell you it's going to be okay.
[770] And I'm like, okay.
[771] Oh, God.
[772] Ha, ha.
[773] I could barely talk.
[774] But he was like, well, you have a good shrink.
[775] I said, well, yeah, you know, just keep going.
[776] All I can do is keep going, which is really the only advice anyone can give you at any time in life.
[777] It's also that generation, Depression era, World War II, fighter pilot, keep going.
[778] Which sometimes is the right advice to get.
[779] Like, pull yourself together and keep going.
[780] Well, and I think that the experience of like a suicidal depression really has given me empathy for people in my life who have committed suicide.
[781] I think there's tremendous guilt, but also sometimes people are angry at people who commit suicide, and that you just don't know the level of suffering someone has experienced.
[782] And anyways, I don't know why I'm laughing.
[783] That's inappropriate.
[784] That makes you kind of a monster, I think.
[785] Oh, ouch.
[786] Ouch is not the appropriate response to me calling you a monster.
[787] Hitler, you're a monster.
[788] Ouch.
[789] Stalling your Satan Now Oh Whale that's dumb Spicy You said that One of the causes of your Break was You lost your dog You were really connected to your dog Yes Blossom The awesome pug Blossom Me Austin dog She's a super Anyways you guys don't know What was that?
[790] This is a song He read a song For already dog that you get write a song from and um she's a beautiful girl and i was i think i was kind of uh going into a hypomanic state and so uh but one of the things i did is i forgot to put a ramp back to our back of our uh backyard and so she phelma and louise it uh out to the back and she was around nine years old and um she died and um it really sucked and i felt so ashamed and the great thing is that if you do anything horrible you can Google it and someone else will come up and said you know I started talking about on stage people are like I sat on my rabbit you know like but on purpose yeah oh no oh but that's how I took my rabbit out well I thought it was the quickest way I said you're gonna get a little sit down mister but everything miserable has happened to somebody you know somebody's left a baby in a hot car and then you know written a book about it and is now on tour And that's the great thing about the internet is that you can find that you are never alone.
[791] But yeah, that was just I felt so awful.
[792] But you know, it is, it is, I mean, we all, I know you have a dog, you have Oki.
[793] I have Oki.
[794] And you have Margo, Margo.
[795] You know Marco.
[796] Yes, yes.
[797] And I have two dogs, and you get really involved in these animals.
[798] And in a way, you get more involved because you feel like almost you could have, I don't know, they don't.
[799] They're just always there for you, you know?
[800] I'm never, I'm never sarcastic with one of my dogs.
[801] You know what I mean?
[802] It's just, I'm just like, you, I love you.
[803] All the emotions are very pure.
[804] That's the difference you're a dog and a cat.
[805] I feel like I'm always there for my cat.
[806] And she's very sarcastic with me. Oh, no, cats are assholes.
[807] Yeah, but this one, she's such a plus size model.
[808] Oh, let's be, oh, she's a sassy lady.
[809] Did she put on a kitten heel?
[810] Sassy stuff.
[811] She puts on fish nuts and then eats them.
[812] Maria, I want to say something about you, which is you're a terrific comedian and I think you're a really brave person because you just put these things out there that I think would be difficult for a lot of people to talk about and you're honest about it and whatever alchemy you're performing to make it funny, something nice for other people, but also informative.
[813] That's a real gift.
[814] So thank you.
[815] Thank you.
[816] Seriously, thank you for being here and for doing this.
[817] Thank you so much for having me. And it's been a delight.
[818] I'm sorry, I didn't get to talk with any of these other lovely people who seem...
[819] What are you guys doing over there?
[820] Well, that's the thing.
[821] We don't know who they are.
[822] Oh, they just sit back there.
[823] I'm actually not listening to this podcast.
[824] I have another podcast.
[825] That's Eduardo.
[826] Eduardo designed this studio.
[827] Really?
[828] Yeah, and he asked to be paid, and I said, come on.
[829] I'm a friend.
[830] buddies.
[831] Your buddies.
[832] Yeah, no. I paid my parents.
[833] I paid my parents to work for me. Oh, that's nice.
[834] Yeah, no. They didn't get union rates, but they were in one of my specials, and I pay them 900 bucks a piece as well as gave them dinner.
[835] Oh, wow.
[836] Yeah.
[837] That's really nice of you.
[838] Spent every penny.
[839] I had my parents intern for me, and they never got paid.
[840] And I said they'd get college credit.
[841] Yeah.
[842] And I never gave it to them.
[843] That's another way to go with it.
[844] I had them doing, like, yard work.
[845] It wasn't even my yard or anything associated with the show.
[846] No, just pulling weeds.
[847] Yeah, it was just, exactly.
[848] Yeah, my 94 -year -old dad was weed whacking when he took both of his legs off.
[849] And he went, oh, no. Anyway, he's doing well.
[850] He's a happy torso.
[851] Maria Bamford, thank you very much.
[852] Thank you for having me. I think we're celebrating recently a very special anniversary.
[853] Yeah, we tape a little bit ahead.
[854] So I don't know exactly when this is going to come out.
[855] But today is September 13th.
[856] And my whole career in late night started on September 13th, 1993.
[857] So it's been exactly 30 years since I started.
[858] And it feels like a long, because so much has happened, it feels like a long time ago.
[859] will always remember that day that we did our first television show and a lot of young people don't know or rightly don't care but at the time it was kind of uh who is this guy i was a complete unknown and uh hadn't been on television and so people were i think half the audience was tuning in just to see someone try to jump their motorcycle over a canyon and fail oh no uh i have very fond memories of the show.
[860] It was a really fun first show.
[861] It was electrifying to get to do it.
[862] You were a baby.
[863] I was 29 when I auditioned.
[864] That's crazy.
[865] And then I had just turned 30 when I got the job.
[866] And then we put it together very quickly in a couple of months.
[867] And I do have to get this all down on paper someday because it is a wild story.
[868] But with the help of really talented, funny people and got a good crew together, Some of whom are still with me today.
[869] Jeff Ross, still with me. Mr. Frank Smiley is still with me. Paula Davis.
[870] Gina, of course, Batista.
[871] And it has, and Andy, I still see Andy almost every day because he does his podcast here in the building.
[872] And so we see each other a lot.
[873] And Andy was out there with me. And he had been hired as a writer.
[874] And immediately I thought, this guy, I just want him next to me because I'm going to them the nose cone of a rocket into space.
[875] I'm probably going to get killed.
[876] I'd like to have this funny guy next to me. And so that was a blessing.
[877] So there was no original plan for you to have a sidekick?
[878] No, there was no original plan for anything.
[879] And the whole thing had to come together very quickly.
[880] But that first show, we worked really hard, Robert Smigel, my original head writer.
[881] He and I had this vision of what we wanted.
[882] and we worked very hard and Jeff Ross was there helping us make it happen and he was instrumental in the whole operation and we decided that we wanted this very silly kind of sense of humor and we worked so hard we had pre -tapes we had everything just lined up so we knew our first show was going to be good we knew it was going to be loaded with a lot of good stuff so people subsequently said you must have been terrified that day And I remember thinking, no, I was just excited to get going.
[883] Really?
[884] Yeah, I was.
[885] I was so excited to get going because the whole summer people were like, who the fuck are you?
[886] And that was my mom.
[887] You know how I heard about you?
[888] From my mom.
[889] I was away at college and she said, this is the new guy they're putting on, Conan O 'Brien.
[890] And then she really liked you.
[891] She watched the show.
[892] Oh, that's nice.
[893] I didn't have a TV at college or I would have tuned it.
[894] It was a different time.
[895] No one had, it's funny, I go back to colleges now and they have televisions and computer, whatever.
[896] I just, I didn't have a, of course, there weren't televisions when I went to college.
[897] We had curved top radios.
[898] But anyway, it was a really special day.
[899] And so it was just funny to wake up today and think, huh, I had some texts from people saying, wow, 30 years ago today.
[900] And that changed my life completely.
[901] Obviously, lots of ups and downs, but just I wouldn't change a thing.
[902] I've been very fortunate.
[903] There have been different eras or sections, and so went through that whole late -night thing.
[904] And then Sona, I don't meet you till really the end of the late -night thing in the beginning of the tonight show.
[905] Thanks for your help with that.
[906] Oh.
[907] It sounded like you were blaming me. A lot of people are.
[908] Oh, a lot of people.
[909] Oh, okay.
[910] Okay.
[911] Oh, I didn't know that.
[912] Oh, I'm sorry.
[913] Well, you were the one thing that changed.
[914] Oh, okay.
[915] Everything was going along swimmingly that I came along.
[916] You're like, I can help.
[917] Oh, no, look out.
[918] You showed up.
[919] And then that whole era, like the tour and everything at TBS was and this podcast and meeting you, Matt.
[920] I mean, I just, I'm very, I know it sounds sappy, but I cannot believe my good fortune.
[921] I just keep meeting new people that challenge me in different ways.
[922] And I get to have more and more fun.
[923] It just seems like I'm off the charts blessed.
[924] Half your life, you have been a figure.
[925] No, that would make me 60.
[926] Oh, I'm sorry.
[927] Yeah.
[928] Yeah, we're putting out a press release.
[929] I am one third of your life.
[930] I am 30 years ago.
[931] Oh, okay.
[932] We're putting it my, my publicists had this idea this morning.
[933] I'm going to 44 now.
[934] Do you want to go back at the opening of this segment and say we recorded this in 1998?
[935] Yes, I do.
[936] Okay.
[937] Well, I think President Clinton's doing a bang -up job.
[938] I also just want to take a second to say, no. Yeah, I'm 60 now, and I was, yeah, 29 when I auditioned, then 30 when we did the show.
[939] Yeah.
[940] And it's so funny when I look at clips now from that first show or that first year of that first show, I can't believe they let that guy on television.
[941] And he's so young and goofy.
[942] And my hair was insane.
[943] I don't know why, but I feel like, you know, you found your stride very quickly, too, though.
[944] I mean, I feel like you started and everyone just started talking about you.
[945] That's true.
[946] I heard about you from my mom, but then it was all my friend's circles and we would just watch and eat it up.
[947] I would never tell you probably enough what a fan I was of you.
[948] You have never mentioned it.
[949] I've mentioned it at least once.
[950] Talked about this.
[951] Yeah, maybe in my sleep.
[952] I think so.
[953] No, I really.
[954] Well, you know, it's interesting, and I actually think this is the way things should be, but most of what we heard about back then because there wasn't an internet was we just heard from TV critics who were not happy.
[955] And so we heard all this negativity and the network wasn't happy.
[956] And so we were only mostly just getting negativity.
[957] And then I remember the first summer that we, you know, we made it through the fall and this long, dark winter and a lot of criticism and, you know, It was tough.
[958] And then we made it to the summer and kids got out of college and they came to see the show live in Rockfarer Center.
[959] And suddenly I'd walk out and the audience and Robert Smigel, I talked to him about this.
[960] He remembers it too.
[961] Starting in June, I'd walk out for the monologue or for the warm up and the crowd would go crazy.
[962] And I would think, is there someone behind me that they want, that they want to see?
[963] But I had no idea.
[964] We had no idea.
[965] We had no idea.
[966] And it was so nice to find, And then, of course, I all went back to school in the fall.
[967] Oh, do you think that it would have, you would have read stuff if people talked about it?
[968] Because you're very big on not reading.
[969] No, but I would have, it wouldn't, maybe would have, there are all these young performers today, comedians who were watching men who tell me who are so established and good.
[970] And they tell me that they were watching them and really liking it.
[971] And my reaction is always to a hater or Malaney or a Nick Kroll or any of these people, why didn't you tell me?
[972] And they're like, I was a kid, idiot.
[973] We didn't know.
[974] I thought everyone hated me. And I did.
[975] I sent letters.
[976] I shredded all the letters.
[977] If there wasn't cash in there, I shredded them.
[978] But 30 years.
[979] That's truly remarkable and impressive.
[980] And it is an amazing, because it won't, I don't ever see anything like that happening again.
[981] Where they just take someone who no one has ever really heard of and then make them host a storied franchise.
[982] Well, also, I think the thing, the television business has changed so much that at the time, now there's so much television that you're always, you know, you can go home at night and you can watch 10 ,000 television shows literally on all these streaming services and they can be populated with people you've never heard of.
[983] You can go on the computer and watch YouTube clips and it's everybody you've never seen before.
[984] But this is back in this other era where literally there's, well, there's two late night shows and, you know, and now.
[985] there's going to be this, there's this third one.
[986] So we're giving a third person in America a chance.
[987] Who shall it be?
[988] What's the population of America?
[989] About 340 million?
[990] All right.
[991] Who should it be?
[992] Lauren Michaels, what do you think?
[993] I think maybe Conan O 'Brien.
[994] Done!
[995] Let's see, we'll need another man. Yeah, yeah.
[996] And so it's just so weird because I shouldn't have had that chance and got it.
[997] And I've just been, and then as you know, Sona, I met my, met Liza, shooting a remote on the show.
[998] So that would never have happened.
[999] And you met your husband because of the show.
[1000] I met my husband because I'm marrying Matt Gorley because he's here on the podcast, which wouldn't have happened if it weren't for the show.
[1001] Other people on the show have married each other and met because of the show.
[1002] Like there's, there's babies because of this show.
[1003] Oh, yeah.
[1004] Many people made babies at 1230 at night back then.
[1005] Yeah, that's true.
[1006] Because there was nothing else that so many.
[1007] people used to say, I watched you last night because I was up fucking I'd say, what an awful phrase.
[1008] That's too much.
[1009] That's TMI.
[1010] That's the key to your longevity is that you're an aphrodisiac and then you made another generation of people that were to holden to you.
[1011] They made it very clear they were having sex when a cat stepped on the remote and the TV came on.
[1012] God damn and I can't finish.
[1013] Why?
[1014] Because that idiot's on.
[1015] Hair's going every which way is jerking around.
[1016] talking too much his voice is weird that comedy is abrasive and strange and this is you talking no no no with an accent all right well very feel very fortunate today to just have to have been around for this ride and now goodbye forever oh no wait that was unforeseen well I just felt like I should ride off now no no no okay I'll stick around we need you to keep going all right okay I have a house okay I've seen it's a nice house Conan O 'Brien needs a friend With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley.
[1017] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.
[1018] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.
[1019] Theme song by The White Stripes.
[1020] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
[1021] Take it away, Jimmy.
[1022] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.
[1023] Engineering by Eduardo Perez.
[1024] additional production support by Mars Melnick, talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brick Khan.
[1025] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.
[1026] Got a question for Conan?
[1027] Call the Team Coco hotline at 669 -587 -2847 and leave a message.
[1028] It too could be featured on a future episode.
[1029] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.