#1360 - Nikki Glaser

[0] That's it.

[1] We're moving.

[2] We're doing it.

[3] We're in motion.

[4] Nikki Glazer, aka Marshall's new best friend.

[5] Oh, that's so nice to hear.

[6] Yeah, you're definitely his new best friend.

[7] Really?

[8] Oh, for sure.

[9] Didn't you see?

[10] But I feel like he likes everyone.

[11] He does like everyone.

[12] Okay.

[13] But he likes you.

[14] Right now.

[15] For sure he likes you.

[16] Just he jumped all over you.

[17] It was so awesome.

[18] I love him.

[19] I needed it so bad.

[20] He is a rare dog.

[21] He is.

[22] It's weird, right?

[23] Instantly.

[24] I told you when he came in, I hadn't even seen you yet and he just saw me And it's like we met our eyes met across a room And he just like bounded towards me It felt so good He runs to you like you're his best friend Yeah like he's like I'm seeing you again yes And forever Like I just got back from war And he's my child Licking my face Just so excited Yeah he starts whimpering It was so good I can't believe you're here It's so and he lets you just hug him Yeah I've never had a golden before Golden Retriever They're like the nicest dogs of all time I've only had mutts that we've collected From the Humane Society that didn't, you know, that are abused and damaged.

[25] You can get lucky with them.

[26] Yes.

[27] And it feels so good when you were talking about your dog didn't want you to touch it for a year.

[28] That was my daughter.

[29] My oldest daughter had this little tiny dog.

[30] It was part Chihuahua and part Australian sheep, Australian herd dog, shepherd dog.

[31] Forget what it is.

[32] But it was very much like a chihuahua, very small dog.

[33] And he was terrified of me for like a year.

[34] Wouldn't let me come anywhere near him.

[35] I'm like, come on, dude, I'm telling you.

[36] dogs and it really wasn't until we got marshal and then he saw me with a little tiny puppy it's like oh this dude is all right and then like he wanted to play with marshal so he got close to me and then i pet his head and then next thing you know he's hopping in my lap and then you know after that he would just run to me and like literally jump in my arms yeah it's that and that's super rewarding to like see that change and see when a dog finally accepts love and it's just been abused it's beautiful it's sad though when you're like what happened to you like why are you scared of men I would kill to know what happened to my rescue dogs that I gave to my parents, but I had them for two years.

[37] I've had quite a few dogs in my life that were rescued dogs.

[38] And one was one of the best ones I ever had.

[39] A friend of a friend found it eating out of garbage cans, and she was covered in mange.

[40] Like half her body was like hairless.

[41] It was really sad.

[42] Yeah.

[43] But she was a really sweet dog.

[44] It was tough to tell how old she was.

[45] She looked like she was like two or three.

[46] Yeah, they don't know.

[47] And I took her in and like within like a month, she had.

[48] all her hair back.

[49] She was fully plumped up.

[50] Yeah.

[51] And that was like the nicest dog.

[52] Like she was like one of the nice dogs who ever had.

[53] Yeah.

[54] It's my, my dog that I got bit me on the first day and drew blood and I was just like, I'm getting rid of this thing.

[55] This isn't going to last.

[56] I was just fostering it.

[57] Yeah.

[58] And then it switched at some point.

[59] It loved me and I like learned how to love through that dog.

[60] I just like went in too soon and it just was, it was abused before.

[61] It came with this whole backstory of like it found my the rescue people told me it was found in an alley behind a pizza hut and it was living off pizza and a kid tried they had this whole story I think a lot of rescue places make up stories so that you're like for sure more inclined to buy to get these things because they come with this story because I checked later on to be like which pizza hut was it because I wanted to bring Luigi my dog back to the pizza hut it came from just to see if it like remembered I kind of wanted it too like I wanted to see it to see it.

[62] And she goes, I think that was just a story we made.

[63] And I was like, oh, come on.

[64] How can they make up stories?

[65] That's so dirty.

[66] Because it moves dogs, man. Yeah, they got to move dogs.

[67] Whatever they can do to move those dogs.

[68] Give them names.

[69] Give them a story.

[70] He slept on a pizza crust as a pillow.

[71] You know, like just any kind of thing that makes them.

[72] Did you know that PETA kills thousands of dogs?

[73] That's what I've heard.

[74] Anytime I post anything about PETA, I have a bunch of people saying They're the worst.

[75] Well, they're not the worst, but what they are is the origins of PETA is the Animal Liberation Organization.

[76] The origins of PETA, the people that originally found a PETA believe that all animals, including pets, should be free.

[77] They don't believe in domesticated animals.

[78] Okay.

[79] Well, that's preposterous.

[80] Look at that dog out there.

[81] He's having a great all time.

[82] Being a pet is the best.

[83] I've actually said if I could be reincarnated, it would be a rich person's golden retriever.

[84] I've said that.

[85] I didn't realize your dog is what I want to come back as.

[86] It's the best life.

[87] The best life.

[88] That dog is only known love.

[89] Yeah.

[90] What stress happens in that dog's life?

[91] Occasionally he can't go out.

[92] Yes.

[93] Like if I'm injured or something like that, he can't run for like weeks at a time, he gets bummed out.

[94] But PETA kills animals because they think that their policy is that you're more free to be dead than you are.

[95] I don't know.

[96] I don't want to put words in their mouth I think that's it They definitely kill animals But they kill them quick That's the thing They're not out there trying to find owners for them Oh Yeah that's the knock on them The animal liberation organization I mean they've like broken into Like they're the type of people That like break into fucking Supermarkets and release the lobsters back to the ocean Be free Be free my lobster from Are you?

[97] I'm into it I'm a total vegan Bleeding heart I know you are But those lobsters have always made me so sad.

[98] Why?

[99] They're bugs.

[100] Do you swap mosquitoes?

[101] I rarely kill bugs.

[102] When mosquitoes are fucking you up, you just let them, please, divinely eat me, drink of my blood.

[103] No. You are me, and I am you.

[104] And if you give me malaria, then so be it.

[105] I just, okay, maybe not, like, I'm not crazy.

[106] Okay, I come over to your house.

[107] Your house is filled with roaches.

[108] I hand you bug spray.

[109] Do you use it?

[110] Yes, because roaches.

[111] Rose juice can fuck off.

[112] Although I did have an instance, and this is true, I was in the shower, and I was, it was having, I get really vegan and really, um, when I'm depressed, I get more vegan than ever.

[113] It's like what throws me into it.

[114] I'm just feeling too much.

[115] And then I feel for every animal and it just gets out of control.

[116] So if I'm ever, you know, going off about vegan propaganda on my Instagram, someone should check in on me. I'm not doing well.

[117] Okay.

[118] I'm in a dark place.

[119] Yes.

[120] I'll call you.

[121] Um, and one day I was in the shower and there was a dying house centipede like drowning.

[122] The grossest bug known to man. Like it's, they're half centipede, half spider, they're disgusting.

[123] They've, I don't hate anything more than that creature.

[124] And I was like, you know what?

[125] I can't kill it.

[126] I want to save it and just take it outside and I'll like tell my vegan friends.

[127] Like I'll be like such a good vegan today.

[128] So I got out of the shower and like, you know when you get out of the shower and you think you're just like you don't need a towel.

[129] I'm just going to grab something and you like traips like a lazy river throughout your house because there's, I did that.

[130] made a huge mess, get a paper towel, I come back, and I pick it up, and I'm so scared to do it.

[131] And I, like, I'm so proud of myself, too, I can't wait to fucking tell the vegans.

[132] And I open it up.

[133] And I'm so scared, because I want to see if it's still alive.

[134] And it was a clump of pubs.

[135] It wasn't even, um, yeah.

[136] So I, but which looks exactly like, who's pubes?

[137] Your pubes are that dark?

[138] I, yeah, dude.

[139] Yeah.

[140] This is all a bottle.

[141] It's a bottle.

[142] A bottle.

[143] Yeah, I mean, they're not like dark, dark, but centipedes.

[144] How centipedes are like blonde.

[145] They're kind of like dirty blonde.

[146] Do you know that hair bleach is not vegan, right?

[147] Listen.

[148] I'm making that up, by the way.

[149] It's probably not, man. I know there's something on my face right now.

[150] But it seems like when I said that, you're like, oh, shit.

[151] Listen, I know there's so many things.

[152] I'm not a perfect vegan and I don't claim to be, but.

[153] I love the idea of veganism.

[154] I love the idea of it.

[155] The idea that you love animals and you don't want to cause harm.

[156] I love the idea.

[157] Just the practical apple.

[158] And the health implications, just that doesn't sit with me. Really?

[159] Yeah.

[160] Protein?

[161] Well, it's not protein.

[162] It's, there's a lot of different things that you get from animals, omega fatty acids from grass -fed animals and salmon and things like that that are just coline, which is very difficult to get outside of animal products.

[163] B -12, very difficult to get outside of animal products.

[164] Okay, my problem with, I don't care if you hunt, I don't care if you are on a farm in the animals are treated well, it's just all about how you treat them.

[165] Factory farming is my big issue.

[166] 90 % of all my meat, I kill myself.

[167] That's why when people, you know, they often cite you as like, is it cool if Joe eats me?

[168] I'm like, yes, because he's hunting at all.

[169] I also, if I shoot, if I shoot like two animals, I eat them the whole year.

[170] Like, I hunt big animals.

[171] I hunt elk or deer.

[172] Like, if I eat a deer, I'll eat that for four months.

[173] Like, for four months.

[174] Like, for four months, I'll eat that deer.

[175] That's cool.

[176] I'm fine with that.

[177] And I feed my dog it.

[178] My dog eats mostly raw elk meat.

[179] Really?

[180] Yeah.

[181] It's one of the reasons why he's so healthy.

[182] Yeah.

[183] He gets, I mean, dog food is horseshit.

[184] Like, what the fuck is in there?

[185] Like, animal dicks and assholes all ground up.

[186] That dog eats elk.

[187] He eats mostly elk.

[188] You can tell.

[189] He's super healthy.

[190] He's beautiful.

[191] But yeah, I mean, that's the problem I have.

[192] He's also a murderer.

[193] Yeah.

[194] The dog's a squirrel murderer.

[195] You get him anywhere near a squirrel and everything changes.

[196] Yeah His little eyes are all Back in his head And they go black And he's caught some Like a shark he has And then he eats that for four months He lives off that's okay No He doesn't even eat him Just sports him up Comes back inside He wants you to see He takes pictures He Yeah yeah And with a squirrel in his mouth You with that dog Let me just say I film You aren't have the best Your happiness Like comes out in your face So like when you smile It's not a fake smile Your selfies with that dog after a hike.

[197] I love them so much.

[198] You look so happy.

[199] I am.

[200] He's my buddy.

[201] You're so happy.

[202] You are, right?

[203] Yeah, I'm pretty happy.

[204] I want to come back as you.

[205] Reincarnated.

[206] It's complicated.

[207] It is.

[208] It's been a long time to get there.

[209] You don't want to be me. People shouldn't want to be you.

[210] You don't want to be me. You're a woman.

[211] It would be so crazy.

[212] Seems pretty good.

[213] You think so?

[214] Seems pretty great to be Joe Rogan.

[215] I mean, I mean, what is?

[216] the downside of being you.

[217] I really want to know.

[218] If someone was interested in becoming you, what are some warnings you'd give them?

[219] You better work out, bitch.

[220] Otherwise, the demons will catch you.

[221] They'll catch you.

[222] But you love working out.

[223] Yeah, I love working out for two reasons.

[224] One, because it makes me feel good and two, because I don't want the demons to catch me. What are these demons?

[225] The demons.

[226] The demons.

[227] The anger demons.

[228] Anger demons.

[229] Most men have anger demons.

[230] Because most men have a certain amount of, there's a requirement that your body has in terms of like the expenditure of energy.

[231] And if you don't meet that requirement, you get antsy and then you get agitated.

[232] When you see people flipping people off in traffic and going fucking crazy and road rage and what do you think that is?

[233] For most people, it's this, this like excess of energy oozing out like an overflowing battery and they don't know what to do with it.

[234] You know, and if you have any sort of a history of violence or extreme, like combat sports or contact sports, like football or anything athletic that's involving a lot of aggression, like that's sort of inherently a part of who you are.

[235] And then where do you put that when you're not doing that anymore?

[236] Exactly.

[237] You got to exercise that shit out.

[238] Yeah, you were talking about this with the other day with the boys talking about sober October, about how when you work out, you don't, you're do it when you were.

[239] last October doing five hours a day on a treadmill or whatever the hell you were doing a lot of hours you had you couldn't feel anything afterwards there was some kind of residual you were talking i didn't even comprehend it because i've never worked out that much we were talking about how nothing bothers nothing nothing because you're so tired no no because i'm not that that's the crazy thing is you get in really good shape and then you're not that it's not that you're that tired it's just that you're even like all you're the way you process things there There's no like, well, who the fuck does this guy think he is?

[240] There's none of that.

[241] There's none of that.

[242] It's like someone flips you off.

[243] Oh, look at that guy flipping me off.

[244] Like registers zero.

[245] It doesn't mean that you don't love things or get passionate about things.

[246] But all the internal negative chatter is gone.

[247] All of it.

[248] All of the pitfalls and psychological traps that your mind will lay for you if you don't give it a lot of activity.

[249] If you don't occupy it.

[250] I think that's a lot of what people go through in their life with anxiety, with all sorts of different issues.

[251] I think we have like human reward systems that are built in that helped us survive from the fucking caveman days.

[252] And those are still a part of our DNA.

[253] And if those athletic requirements or physical movement requirements aren't met, your body just gets agitated.

[254] It just like fucking err just wants to do something.

[255] Jesus Christ.

[256] And you're just watching TV.

[257] and then you know and then your neighbor's dog is barking like we shut that fucking thing up it's just releasing that energy you would have been releasing if by gathering nuts or whatever you were doing something physical anything for fucking hiking anything yeah that's why people are happier and healthier when they use their body it's just it's not as simple as like a people like people like intelligent people unfortunately a lot of them look at it like it's a vanity thing and they don't want to be caught up in a vanity thing so they don't care about their body yeah but it's not that You are your body They're inseparable Your mind is a part of your body Your body is a part of your mind It's all together But what about your thoughts What are your feelings on thoughts What are my feelings on that?

[258] Yeah like For me thoughts are what cause All of the anxiety And all of the depression And all of the anger It's not having control of my thoughts It's letting my thoughts Control me And as soon as I learn meditation and the idea that my thoughts were not me and that they were these external things that I could choose to either indulgent or bat away, then I was able to really gain a hold over my anxiety and depression that I had not before when I thought my thoughts were just like oh, I'm thinking this thought, it's true, it's me, I created it, let me keep going with it.

[259] Yeah.

[260] Do you feel like, don't you think meditation helps you with your anger also?

[261] For sure, for sure.

[262] But it's not, it's not like anger.

[263] Like, I'm just randomly angry walking around things.

[264] I just have my physical requirements.

[265] Yes.

[266] You want some fake beer?

[267] It's so, I can't.

[268] Yeah, I mean, I don't drink, and this is absurd to me that I would have a beer.

[269] It's a fake beer.

[270] It's a fake beer.

[271] I don't miss the taste of alcohol.

[272] Oh.

[273] Well, who misses the, no one would drink alcohol if it didn't get you effed up.

[274] I would drink these.

[275] It is good.

[276] Really?

[277] Yeah, I love it.

[278] This tastes like the St. Louis funny bone, which is a great taste.

[279] It does.

[280] It tastes like the St. Louis Funnybone, 2009, living my best low.

[281] When was the last time you drank?

[282] 2011, December 9th.

[283] Cleveland, hilarities after the show.

[284] You're like, I'm done.

[285] Well, I just had a couple beers to close out the evening.

[286] I was by myself.

[287] Next you know, you're shooting heroin.

[288] I don't know what happened.

[289] I was at a point in my life where it was like this has got to stop because my hangovers were getting so ridiculous and debilitating for a whole day and I was just doing you know I would black out from like two drinks because my mind John Mullaney has a great joke about it where he says he would black out very quickly after a couple drinks because his mind was like we know where this is going shutting down early like if you know you're going to black out your brain just blacks out earlier because every time I drink I would black out so I just, I woke up that next morning and I had only had a, it wasn't a hard night of drinking a couple beers, but I was just the sickest I've ever been.

[290] And the thing about hangovers that I really had to look at was like, the best part about being sick, if you're going to find the best part about being sick, it's that people feel sorry for you.

[291] You get babies a little bit.

[292] You get a nurturing from your friends and family that you don't get when you're healthy.

[293] But when you're hungover, no one gives you that.

[294] So you're sick and you don't even get the only good thing about being sick, which is people feeling sorry for you.

[295] Everyone's like, you piece of shit, you did this to yourself.

[296] So I was like in the shower, in the fetal position, thinking, this is how I should feel if I'm dying.

[297] Like, I really don't want to feel this bad unless I am on my way out.

[298] So I'm not doing this anymore.

[299] And I read a book and then I was done.

[300] What was the book?

[301] The Easy Way to Stop Drinking by Alan Carr.

[302] What's the easy way?

[303] Easy way is you read this book and then you're done at the end of it.

[304] And what he does, well, I used his method to stop smoking.

[305] The Easy Way to Stop Smoking by Alan Carr.

[306] So many people have read it.

[307] It's the one book that when you've tried everything else, nothing else works, this book.

[308] My mom quit smoking after 35 plus years.

[309] Really?

[310] So many of my friends.

[311] I heard about it, I think like Ellen DeGeneres and Ashton Coucher, I heard a bunch of celebrities kind of talking about it.

[312] I read the book and you can smoke while you read it.

[313] And then by the end of the book, he just promises you, he goes, go, have a cigarette.

[314] And you're just like, no, I don't want to.

[315] And I don't need to.

[316] his method is and this is thing he does with drinking any excuse you have to do that thing he talks you out of it he tells you a reason why your excuse is actually bullshit and there's no science behind it and he he disproves any reason that you have to do it and we've been brainwashed by tobacco and alcohol industries to believe that quitting is really hard and quitting alcohol is hard if you have an addiction you can like die from it obviously but with Tobacco, it's part of their propaganda to tell you that it's hard to quit smoking.

[317] They're the ones pushing that message, which seems like, why would they tell people it's hard?

[318] But they're doing that because if it's hard, you won't quit.

[319] So that has been their message to be like, it's so hard to quit smoking.

[320] It's so hard.

[321] When really, it's not.

[322] It's not?

[323] No. The withdrawal symptoms of not smoking last up to two weeks, I think.

[324] it's less than I think it's like seven to 11 days and the discomfort caused by wanting a cigarette is the same discomfort as being a little bit hungry you're a little bit annoying it's it's not insurmountable it's it's uncomfortable but it's it passes after seven to 11 days I think it is and then it's all even when you're going through it it's not that bad but it's it's the psychological effect of thinking it's hard that makes it then hard so once he proves to you it's not that hard and any excuse you have to smoke which is like it calms me down um it raises your blood pressure so that's inaccurate um it makes me more social actually it isolates you you know if you really look at it every time you smoke you feel kind of bad people think you stink like it just every excuse you have and then he did it with drinking too i went through this book i read it you can drink while you read the book you have to want to quit to pick up the book you have to want to be like i want this out of my life i don't know how to get it out of my life and i gave this book to so many of my friends and my friends don't drink anymore and a lot of them use program or other things to supplement but all I needed was this book and I was done and I'll tell you I drank every single night of my life and I never thought I could live without it I was just like anyone listening that's like no no no you don't understand all my friends drink it's my life it's my social life it's my work life it was everything to me so all I look forward to yeah I'll never go like this when a friend enters a bar again I'll never do that I will never greet a friend with she's here yes yes yes that's that you that was me that was like that that's something I miss I'll never have that kind of to drink enthusiasm anymore but because I don't drink I am fucking killing it my life changed I can trace my careers before and after like on the dot so you know it's not for everyone.

[325] If you have a problem, you should maybe look into it.

[326] But that book seriously changed my life.

[327] That sounds amazing.

[328] And there was no, like, difficulty in quitting?

[329] None.

[330] It really was easy.

[331] I never, maybe a couple times I felt like, oh, it'd be nice to have a drink.

[332] You know, I was dating a guy that, like, just wanted to have a glass of wine with me. And I'm like, why can't I just have a glass of wine?

[333] And I've been tempted.

[334] And I don't think that I would go off the deep end again but but but i don't i just i go back to that book and i'm just like i just any reason i can give myself it's just really it isn't true and i'm better without it well it's definitely not true if you're drinking it every night and you're blacking out yeah but if you just have a cup of glass of wine with dinner it feels nice oh i know it's a social lubricant you have fun with friends you start laughing and joking around but you don't have that ability to stop there is out.

[335] I could for a few months and then it would trickle into it's just the exactly the voice you every people are listening and I know you relate to this of you go I'm just going to have two tonight but then that person and you go promise yourself you're just going to have to but then you get that voice drunk and that voice is like have another.

[336] Come on pussy.

[337] So you can't you can't talk to your you can't plan for how you're going to feel two drinks in because you get drunk and then you it just keeps going.

[338] I miss it man even have a bit about that about drunk driving the problem is not the problem is not whether or not you can drive drunk the problem is even thinking that you can drive drunk because when you're drunk you don't know what the fuck you can do or can't do yes that's why guys get in fights that people way bigger than them when they're drunk and they don't even know how to fight you're you're stupider yeah you're a fucking moron when you're drunk so the idea that you could drive drunk like i'm fine like you don't even know if you're fine that's the problem yes the problem is you're drunk and that's a big part of the book is talking to people about this liquid courage that everyone cites i mean like i i need a drink because i can't go on stage if i don't have a drink i need a drink to talk to the girl and it's not courage what you're doing is you're making yourself more stupid you're actually making yourself more i don't even know if the word is correct but more you're retarding yourself and you're making yourself more uh mentally disabled be careful thrown around that r word i know seriously on this show.

[339] It's a, that's a real term, retarding.

[340] Yeah, it is a real term.

[341] And even retarded, it has nothing to do with Down syndrome, has nothing to do with diseases.

[342] Right.

[343] And we've got a problem with that word in this country.

[344] I can't, I'm not going to call a movie the R word, but I can call a mental state the R word.

[345] That's cool.

[346] What about a movement that's retarding growth?

[347] Yeah, you can say that.

[348] It's retarding the masses.

[349] Retarding, but not retarded?

[350] You won't say retarded.

[351] it.

[352] Isn't that interesting?

[353] You get scared.

[354] I thought it's so strange.

[355] Like we can say pussy, but we can't say pussy.

[356] Imagine if there was like a cunt bird.

[357] You know what I mean?

[358] And like you could say cunt bird and everybody's like, oh, I feel like that's what someone's called me before.

[359] That's a popular insult on my Instagram.

[360] That word will get us demonetized from YouTube, according to Jamie.

[361] Isn't that what you said?

[362] Do you say?

[363] What they say?

[364] That's what I've heard.

[365] What they say about sober October?

[366] Someone said the word.

[367] and that's the reason.

[368] See word?

[369] They said the word two and a half hours into the podcast so the entire podcast was demonetized.

[370] What?

[371] Yeah, we should go back and beep it and see if they change it.

[372] Go back and put a Whip -Wamp!

[373] Cunt is such a...

[374] I love that word.

[375] It's a great word.

[376] I feel empowered by that word.

[377] If someone calls me a cunt, I'm like...

[378] Really?

[379] Yeah, you know...

[380] Why?

[381] For the same reason when people were saying Hillary was a crook, I was like, good.

[382] A woman's a bad person.

[383] I don't even care.

[384] Like, I'm just like, yeah, we can do it all.

[385] I feel like I'm like...

[386] There's women that aren't crooks that don't think if you're going to have a woman president, let's have one that's not a murderer or a crook.

[387] It'd be cool.

[388] The first one was like impeccable.

[389] But I'm just saying when people were saying that argument, I was like, good, I don't even fucking care.

[390] I like a strong, just a woman doing things that men normally do.

[391] I love it.

[392] You know, that's the same kind of argument that people use for Trump.

[393] What do you mean?

[394] Well, they say he's an asshole and he's a thief.

[395] Who cares?

[396] Fuck it.

[397] He's a man. yeah yeah at least he's not a politician at least he's not a man she's a crook at least she's not a man right women can do it too yeah yeah yeah yeah that's a team team mentality okay i don't like that then okay i take it back yeah but i did have that feeling like the word cunt though i just don't if someone calls me a cunt i'm like wow i really like spoke up then it tells me i'm doing something right the real problem is words does not the the real problem is people have intent.

[398] Their intent is the same, no matter what noise comes out of their mouth.

[399] Words are just conveying intent.

[400] When you make words banable, outlaw words, you're playing a fool's game.

[401] That's a fool's game, because all words are supposed to be is tools that convey intent.

[402] You can't say that that word is exactly the same every time it's used without regard to the context.

[403] That's crazy, because you can say that to your friend, and you could both be laughing and love each other.

[404] Like, you could say, you're fucking crazy cut, and she's like, and you both fall on the ground, howling, laughing.

[405] No one got hurt at all.

[406] Or you could say it to your mom, and it'll cut deep.

[407] It'll hurt her deeply.

[408] And then it's awful.

[409] It's an awful use of the word.

[410] Because you're just conveying your thoughts and your intent.

[411] It's not a fucking sound that you make with your mouth.

[412] It's the problem.

[413] The problem is the way people treat each other.

[414] And this stupid game that people play, where they outlaw certain words or ban certain words or demonetize YouTube videos for certain words.

[415] That is a fool's game.

[416] It's dangerous.

[417] You're a child.

[418] You're playing a child's game and history will not be kind to you.

[419] You'll be looked at as a fucking buffoon.

[420] That's a fact.

[421] Well, buffoon will probably be a word in five years that you will get in trouble for using right now.

[422] I'm just thinking what words now are we using that are going to get us canceled in five years?

[423] People of color.

[424] Really?

[425] You think people of color is going to be?

[426] That's the that's the, that's the mode of jure.

[427] How is that okay when you can't say colored.

[428] Interesting.

[429] Impossible.

[430] Nonsense.

[431] Whoa.

[432] Total nonsense.

[433] You call someone colored.

[434] They'll beat the fuck out of you.

[435] But if you say people of color, they'll go, okay, cool.

[436] Whoa.

[437] What are you, baby?

[438] What are we doing here?

[439] This is nonsense.

[440] Yeah.

[441] It's foolish.

[442] I'm scared.

[443] We're all people of color.

[444] Like, what color are we?

[445] You know, I'm darker than you.

[446] Yeah.

[447] And you're probably darker than Bill Burr.

[448] what the fuck what are we doing what are we doing it's crazy are you worried ever i mean you're your own you can't get canceled i'm my own boss that helps a lot and i'm nice i know that's what i go back to i'm nice i'm always nice i'm nice to everybody even if you don't disagree with me i'll talk to you i'm i'm i work hard on being nice it means a lot to me it means a lot for me to have good experiences with people you are nice and i repeat think people are extremely intimidated by you as was i but in the end really really nice what do you mean you have to work hard on it i work hard on being nice i mean i think was there a time that you weren't nice in your life when i was young yeah it was very mean yeah but that was because it was competing in martial arts all the time i was involved in violent things but you should have been like you said before that should have been getting it out of your system and then you would would have been placid on the road i was competing it was before i was doing comedy yeah i was competing all the time.

[449] And also, I wasn't, I was too young to understand, like, what was important and what wasn't important.

[450] So my, my eyes were entirely on success at all costs.

[451] I just wanted to dominate.

[452] I just wanted to figure out a way to win always.

[453] And so, I was just mean.

[454] Like, you know, I was, I would enjoy hurting people.

[455] And that's what I was doing.

[456] When I was knocking people out, I would enjoy it.

[457] I'd like it, because they were trying to do it to me. What about comedy?

[458] Haven't you approached it the same way?

[459] no you don't care about I mean you've you've achieved everything that one could achieve doing comp like what does it have to do with being mean no I mean like you you got off on being the best you needed to compete you you were no I just try to do my best at comedy I just try to do my best yeah you're not looking I'm not trying to be first of all I think that like awards or rankings or anything like that when it comes to art is ridiculous Like this is the Emmy Award winning movie This is the Oscar award winning this This is the fucking the Grammy Award winning song Like shut the fuck up What you're doing is this is a business And the business is getting people to see who's number one And so all these advertisers pay to watch the show Or to promote on the show And people watch it I wonder who's gonna win best album of the year Like it gets crazy There's a million great albums Every year How many thousands of albums are out And how many people subjectively look at those albums and say, God, this one really moved me. This one spoke to me in a dark time.

[460] Yeah.

[461] This one really picked up me up at the gym.

[462] I fucking love this one.

[463] It reminds me of my husband or my wife.

[464] And this is, you know, the idea that one is better than the other.

[465] It's like, it's so subjective.

[466] It's crazy.

[467] You're right.

[468] I mean, Lizzo's album came out in 2016 and everyone slept on it until this year.

[469] So you're absolutely right.

[470] Even know who she was until I saw her dancing around on some award show.

[471] And I'm like, that lady.

[472] The one where she bust out the flute, like out of her vagina.

[473] That lady is lit.

[474] She's lit.

[475] I didn't want to like it.

[476] She's crazy.

[477] Fucking so much power.

[478] So much power.

[479] Yeah, she's got so much energy.

[480] Sexy.

[481] Like, I was just, like, turned on by the whole thing.

[482] I really...

[483] Did you?

[484] You got turned on?

[485] I just get...

[486] Like, if she grabbed you by the bag of your hair and just stuffed you in there, you'd be all good?

[487] Stuffed me down in her vagina?

[488] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[489] Kind of.

[490] I mean, like, Lizzo, I would go down on Lizzo.

[491] Would you?

[492] A hundred percent.

[493] And I've never gone down on a girl.

[494] Although it is kind of on my bucket list.

[495] It's on your bucket list?

[496] I want to be able to say I've done it.

[497] It's not something I crave, but I'm going to do it at some point in my life.

[498] Good luck, ladies.

[499] Whoever you are out there.

[500] I have my eye on a couple.

[501] Yeah.

[502] I hope they know.

[503] Do they know?

[504] Yeah, it's weird because I like...

[505] Do you not have like a male gaze, do you?

[506] What do you mean?

[507] Like you have your eye on them.

[508] Like if a guy has his eye on a girl, it'll be creepy if the girl's not into it.

[509] Like, oh, Jesus, here comes this guy.

[510] Oh, right, right.

[511] I go, oh, here comes Nikki, trying to eat my pussy again.

[512] Fuck.

[513] I test the waters, and I'm like, have you ever done anything with a girl?

[514] Because I've never even done anything with a girl.

[515] So, I mean, I made out with my girlfriends in high school, but that was before I even kissed a boy, and I just wanted to kiss anyone.

[516] Yeah.

[517] But since then, never fooled around with a girl.

[518] But there's some that I'm just like, I can't help that I'm attracted.

[519] I don't consider myself gay, but I'm on the spectrum somewhere.

[520] I'm on that.

[521] I could do it.

[522] And recently, I've been like, yeah, I need to, I need to.

[523] Need to get in there.

[524] Eat some puss.

[525] Woo.

[526] Because I've never done it, and I expect men to do it to me. Right.

[527] I think I should understand what it's like and be able to empathize.

[528] And no guy thinks that is straight about sucking a cop.

[529] Yeah, I know.

[530] I know.

[531] Like, hmm, maybe I should suck a couple dicks so I can empathize.

[532] Just because you could see what that's like.

[533] Just lick your own finger if you get some comb on it just to experience it.

[534] Okay.

[535] Maybe.

[536] What else is on your bucket list?

[537] I think that's it And I really hope that I get this accomplished before I'm like Dying in like 88 or something And my grandkids have to like find a nurse to squat over my fucking bed One thing Or like you're old and rich and successful Some lady does not want you eat her pussy But she does want a Gucci bag I'll definitely be able to buy that bitch a Gucci bag My face will look like one at that point Yeah bucket list do you have any bucket list things no no no you've already done them all yeah I don't have anything I I I'm doing I like to keep doing I would like to be in a I would like to be in love and loved back as much as I love I would like to be in a loving relationship at some point it doesn't have to last forever but I I know that sounds like well it sounds good yeah and I don't think it's it might not happen and I'm okay with that why wouldn't it happen you're nice person whoa all right you could I could totally die young.

[538] We could all get hit in the head by a meteor.

[539] Right now.

[540] Come right down on this roof.

[541] Like, yeah.

[542] And then I would die without having a pussy in my mouth or love in my heart.

[543] Loving your.

[544] And, um.

[545] Do you think you could ever be in a relationship with a woman?

[546] Yeah, probably.

[547] Really?

[548] Yeah.

[549] I mean, I really want a relationship with a man first.

[550] Yeah.

[551] She takes you around with a dog collar on your neck.

[552] I mean, I don't want to.

[553] be a sex slave.

[554] I only in the bedroom I don't want to be one out and about.

[555] Not a sex slave.

[556] But in the bedroom yeah, I'm down to be a huggin' slave.

[557] This woman wrote me recently because she knows that I'm into like bondage and stuff like that.

[558] Yeah, I saw that on your Instagram.

[559] Yeah, yeah.

[560] I dig it.

[561] It truly is I mean, I like it because it is forced laziness.

[562] Like I say in my joke, like you can't do anything to a guy.

[563] And by the way, it's not that I don't like doing things to men.

[564] It's just that I feel like I'm not good at a lot of those things.

[565] I have bad rhythm.

[566] So like jerking guys off or like sucking dick.

[567] I just, I'd rather you do it to me. Sucking dick makes sense.

[568] It's really hard for a guy to suck his own dick.

[569] But jerking off, I used to have a joke about it.

[570] Like having a girl jerk you off is like trying to brush your teeth with your left hand.

[571] Hilarious.

[572] No matter what, it's like you can't do it right.

[573] Yes.

[574] You ever try to brush your teeth?

[575] My right hand knows where every tooth is.

[576] Wait, that's so true.

[577] My right hand just fucking goes.

[578] Yeah, it knows.

[579] My left hand, I cannot, I got to move my head to keep up with my Yes, that's why I like when guys grab my head and just like, take, take the, take the wheel.

[580] Take the wheel.

[581] I don't know what you want, but I'm getting better at it, but I'm trying.

[582] I've had to like give some blowjobs just out of like, I need to practice.

[583] When a girl can jerk you off, if a girl jerks you off, she's really good at it, you're like, Jesus, how many guys you jerked out?

[584] God, we can't win, can we?

[585] No, you can't.

[586] No. I love that.

[587] I thought you were going to go, no, you can win.

[588] You just go, no. You can't.

[589] That felt really good.

[590] Thank you for acknowledging it.

[591] No, hand jobs, I just, uh...

[592] Well, I feel like fingering, too.

[593] Like, girls probably are, like, way better at fingering.

[594] No. Get in there.

[595] I love being fingered.

[596] God, it's the best.

[597] Jesus.

[598] I love it.

[599] The only difference in girls and guys, girls have smaller hands.

[600] I would imagine, like, thick fingers.

[601] Like a mason.

[602] Like a guy who has a bricklayer.

[603] Get them up there.

[604] I don't know.

[605] Get them up there.

[606] Get them all up there.

[607] I don't mind it.

[608] I just like it because it just...

[609] I've never enjoyed masturbation with my own hand because I feel like it's like tickling myself.

[610] Like, this does not make me laugh.

[611] But if anyone did that to me, I'd be like, ah!

[612] You know?

[613] Right.

[614] It just, I can predict my own movement.

[615] So I don't...

[616] What about toys?

[617] I do use toys, but I...

[618] And I talk about one of my special, particularly, that's amazing that sucks your clit.

[619] By the way, your special's out.

[620] Right now.

[621] Right now.

[622] On Netflix.

[623] Right now.

[624] Right now.

[625] Bangin.

[626] Bangin?

[627] Yeah.

[628] It's a good name.

[629] Yeah, thank you.

[630] I like it.

[631] Thanks a lot.

[632] And I appreciate that.

[633] I worked really hard on it.

[634] I wanted to call it fucking men because it's about like fucking men, but it's also like about fucking men.

[635] But Netflix was like, we want children to watch.

[636] I'm like, children.

[637] They want children?

[638] I mean, they were just like it's going to make it so like children, not children, but it might be more censored to different demographics of our audience.

[639] And I'm like, well, the people that couldn't handle that title shouldn't be.

[640] watching it anyway.

[641] Right.

[642] But whatever.

[643] I'm glad bang and works.

[644] And also I'm going on tour.

[645] I just want to say I'm going on tour January for my first theater tour, the bang it out tour and tickets are on sale now.

[646] And I really want people to go because it's going to be all new material.

[647] Anyway, very excited.

[648] When did you film?

[649] I filmed in May. In May?

[650] Oh, that's a good amount of time.

[651] Yeah.

[652] And I filmed another special, a 20 -minute special for the degenerates on Netflix that comes out in December.

[653] Damn.

[654] Look at you.

[655] An hour and a 20 -minute one.

[656] Yeah.

[657] Whoa.

[658] You're crazy.

[659] Yeah.

[660] I got a lot of material, man. I'm just on the, I'm on the, people go, you just have so much material.

[661] It's like, if I didn't, there'd be something wrong.

[662] I'm on, I perform every night.

[663] I would be so bored if I wasn't cranking it out.

[664] That's the key, right?

[665] It really is.

[666] It is.

[667] It makes it so much more exciting.

[668] Last time I was here, we went on over all your notes.

[669] I think about you all the time because I'm like, I need to organize my jokes better and go over them.

[670] And I just, I just, I just can't do it.

[671] I just, but I'm going to try.

[672] I'm going to start.

[673] Well, why couldn't you?

[674] I mean, I could.

[675] There's absolutely, stop you.

[676] I could.

[677] May I?

[678] No. But it's, you know it would help, right?

[679] Yeah.

[680] You think it would help or no?

[681] But I'm killing it as is.

[682] Ooh, look at you.

[683] You know what I mean?

[684] Like, why fix something that ain't broke?

[685] Like, I could be better.

[686] And that's the thing.

[687] No one will ever know how good I could be if I actually tried as hard as I, because I don't try as hard as I can.

[688] People go, Nikki, you work so hard.

[689] And I'm like, you don't understand how much I'm not working.

[690] Like, I don't write down any joke.

[691] It's all a one word in my notes.

[692] I don't go, I don't listen to old sets.

[693] The only reason I record sets, I record every set, it's so that if I die, tragically, that my parents can use my recordings and, like, make money from, like, my lost tapes.

[694] I truly, I gave my parents my cell phone password.

[695] Oh, that's hilarious.

[696] So that they can get in there and get them.

[697] That is hilarious.

[698] And make some money off me. You know who I hear is a fucking crazy hard worker?

[699] It's Michelle Wolf.

[700] Oh, dear God, yes.

[701] I heard she writes two hours every day.

[702] I can't even be around her because she's always talking about jokes and writing, and it makes me insecure about not writing enough jokes.

[703] But you're hilarious, and she's hilarious.

[704] You do it your way, she does it with.

[705] Both work.

[706] It's all about how much time and focus you put on stand -up.

[707] And there's probably a point of no return, like, or diminishing returns, where you can put too much work into it and then it feels flat and stale.

[708] Yes.

[709] Or overriding.

[710] For sure.

[711] There were a couple jokes I did on the degenerative.

[712] taping that were brand new and I just did them not because I needed to but because I was like these are more exciting to me than my old stuff let me just do it and then the next weekend I go on the road and the joke becomes even better I add more tags or whatever but then a week after that I'm like it's even better I've added more and it's not better the first version of it was always the best and I'm glad I put that down because sometimes it gets too convoluted and you get away from the I'm glad I got some of that stuff out there because sometimes the first time you say it is the best sometimes sometimes most of the time for me it gets better most of the time for me i get better versions of it okay the only um the only time that changes is when something is like really current like something happens that day and i go on stage about it that day right right yeah yeah the first time you say something is usually like you have the most energy for it maybe the second because you know it already killed once and then the second is usually yeah but for me it's the process always is getting the bit tighter and better.

[713] It always gets better.

[714] It's very rare that I have a bit and it's really good in the beginning and then after a few months it flattens out.

[715] Usually just the tags get better.

[716] I tighten it up.

[717] Especially when you're doing a lot of sets, you get a sense of how it works, how it doesn't work.

[718] As long as you're still feeling the feelings that you felt when you wrote it because that's when it can, if you can be doing it a really long time and then you're like, I'm just not even this person where this came from anymore.

[719] Yeah.

[720] But Bill Cosby, I remember him on that comedian documentary saying that he writes a joke and he adds, like, one word.

[721] And then as soon as it gets not funny, he takes that word out and goes back to, like, and, but he was also, like, raping everyone for, like, many years.

[722] It's hard to say what he was really thinking when he was saying that.

[723] Can't take him out his word.

[724] We were just talking about this, that some woman who's an attorney was saying that he may very well be the biggest serial raper in history.

[725] Yes.

[726] I mean, I don't know why I was excited about that.

[727] I know, but it's goddamn crazy.

[728] It's a crazy thing to think.

[729] And, you know, couldn't some of those women possibly have died from ODing?

[730] Oh, sure.

[731] I mean, it's not like he did a test on them to find out, like, what health situations they have.

[732] Oh, yeah.

[733] Oh, yeah.

[734] I mean, who knows what he's, people have adverse reactions to medication all the time.

[735] And back then, who knows what that's, what was in that stuff.

[736] Some women reported waking up being, they didn't know.

[737] how many days had passed they were dehydrated and disorder i mean they woke up near death you know so i'm guessing he maybe it was you know i wish she would tell the truth he won't he's not capable of it but i wish he would tell the truth like i would love if like someone i mean he's so old now it's going to be really hard because i'm sure he thinks about his legacy and he's full of shit but i would love it if he could just say like what what was going through his head?

[738] head when he would drug them like did he think they were beneath him like what was it he had to have he had to have i think it's a it's a celebrity thing because he always exhibited the weirdest parts of the celebrity uh situation like he felt above people and privileged i'll never forget he was interviewing ronda sykes interviewed him at some award show and he chastised her for the way she was talking to him and he was wearing sunglasses inside and he just had this arrogant about him like here's wanda sykes who's this hilarious comedian and she's great he should have been excited to talk to her but instead he had this feeling that he was like this royalty and he didn't you know it didn't appreciate her language or use of language oh well he raped like 150 women like what in the fuck but that that sort of i am above everyone you know i worked at a casino and they told me that he would eat dinner and he wanted the entire staff in his dressing room to watch him eat.

[739] What?

[740] Yeah, yeah.

[741] Yeah, the lady was really freaked out by it.

[742] She goes, he would have the entire crew, like everyone, door people, everyone.

[743] Stand there while he ate curry.

[744] He would eat his food.

[745] And then at night.

[746] That was actually more entertaining than the act he was taking around at that time because I fell asleep seeing him one time, which was ironic.

[747] I really, he came to my college and I fell asleep.

[748] This is why you were in school, though?

[749] Yeah.

[750] But you were probably hung over.

[751] probably actually to be honest but he would have to watch gross he also had the security guard tuck him in ugh yeah he said he wanted the security guard to tuck him into bed and then shut the door and turn the lights out I mean you must see this though when people I've never seen that that seems like super extreme how do you stay grounded and not think you're better than other people it's pretty easy first of all I do jiu jitsu I get my ass kicked I do a lot of difficult things that I'm not good at I think that's very important.

[752] Do a lot of difficult things.

[753] But also, I just don't have that attitude.

[754] I've never thought that I was better than people.

[755] Right.

[756] I'm good at certain things, but it's all because of time and effort.

[757] Yeah.

[758] You know, which is one of the reasons why it's really important to do things that you're not good at and do difficult things.

[759] Because it reignites that part of your brain where you're learning things.

[760] Yeah.

[761] Instead of just tightening up what you already know, you remember when you first started doing stand -up and you were like so awkward at it.

[762] I remember I was terrible, and I was clunky in every set.

[763] Like, this could be an emotional fucking train wreck for me. Here we go.

[764] And I was so nervous.

[765] Now, like, you know, I did a set Tuesday night at the comedy store.

[766] I go there, all my friends are there.

[767] We're all laughing and joking.

[768] I can't wait to get up there.

[769] I got the material already.

[770] Everybody's there to see me like, hey, everybody, what's up?

[771] It's easy.

[772] So I do difficult stuff.

[773] A lot of difficult things.

[774] That's why sometimes they get violently high before I go on stage as a new challenge.

[775] Because I'll be up there like, what the fuck are you saying?

[776] What are you doing?

[777] Violently high?

[778] Like, you know, to the point where it's like I shouldn't be doing stand -up.

[779] But it gives me a new challenge because stand -up doesn't even raise my heart rate anymore.

[780] But don't you think they're getting really high when you go on stage opens up some weird thoughts sometimes?

[781] And those come in, they become new bits.

[782] Yes, all the time.

[783] Well, a lot of people that don't drink will listen to you go, wait a minute, wait a minute, you're not sober.

[784] So you get high?

[785] What the fuck is that?

[786] You just substituted one addiction for another And I'll tell you, yes I did Yes, I did Because I can't I gotta have something I was totally sober for several years And it felt great And I had the stamp of approval From the sober community And I don't say I'm sober I just say I don't drink I'm very like Those words are important to me Because people feel so betrayed When they're like But you smoke weed I do it because it makes me happy And it doesn't seem to, I quit drinking because it was affecting my career.

[787] My career is my most important thing in my life and my relationships.

[788] But weed has not negatively infected those to the point that I need to quit.

[789] As soon as it does, I'll be done.

[790] And I'll read the easy way to stop smoking pot by a guy who's now dead.

[791] So that that book doesn't exist.

[792] Well, I think that pot is a different thing.

[793] And for me, I like it because it makes me more sensitive.

[794] It makes me nicer, makes me more friendly.

[795] Me too.

[796] I have more of a sense of community.

[797] I want to hug people.

[798] Yeah.

[799] And I'm very thoughtful when I'm high.

[800] I'm like, you know, you can call it paranoia, but I'm thoughtful.

[801] I'm thinking.

[802] I don't want people to be upset.

[803] I want everybody to get along well.

[804] I want to compliment people.

[805] I want people to feel good.

[806] I like it.

[807] But for this whole month, I'm not doing anything.

[808] Yeah.

[809] This is sober October.

[810] Right.

[811] So me and Ari and Bert and Tom, we have this thing.

[812] Yeah.

[813] Oh, I know.

[814] And you're reading a book?

[815] It's on right now.

[816] Yeah, we read 500 pages.

[817] That's good.

[818] What are you reading?

[819] Burke can't read.

[820] like Bert sitting down with a book He's not reading Is so hilarious to me I don't believe it He's see it's on the honor system So I think he's probably gonna throw an audio book on And just lie Yeah you can't no I heard you guys talking about that No audio books Because you can space out It's like listening to a podcast No no no He's got a eyes to page Right and then I want a book report I haven't even started I haven't started any book I'm listening to a bunch of books on tape Which is most of the way I consume books But um Can I recommend a book to you?

[821] Please.

[822] Okay.

[823] Get ready.

[824] I'm ready.

[825] It's called Cupid's Poisoned Arrow.

[826] Ooh.

[827] And it's about how orgasms are ruining us and our relationships and our happiness.

[828] And it talks about how I'm all for this right now.

[829] And it's a wild concept.

[830] And I've only read three chapters of this book.

[831] So I don't have all the information.

[832] But what I do know is that orgasms are this rush.

[833] of like blood to whatever your your limbic system is all fired up when you have an orgasm and everything we do in our lives to like have stability and you know um kind of lower anxiety and fight depression is about balancing that and not spiking it ever so orgasms are throwing us off constantly and we're not supposed to be having this many of them men men should um here's the thing though about men and orgasms is that they they want to run right after they come it's in your DNA to get the fuck out of there because as a caveman there was you can't make something pregnant twice so once you came onto the next teepee to fuck the girl's cousin that you just like it wasn't about you weren't going to stay in cuddle so that's why men want to fucking run let me tell something as a man yeah that's not really true what it's only true if you don't actually like the person if you only attracted them in horny if you're only attracted to them in horny but you don't like them as a person yeah once you come you're like oh my god I gotta get out of here but if you like them as a person once you come you're like that was great then you just want to hang out trust me I am actually a man I do trust you but I also think that you would want to hang out even more if you didn't come that's not true really yes here's my thing though I've had a lot of instances this book spoke to me because I cannot trace what happens between a guy liking me and slow fading me than to an orgasm you're an intense person and you're very smart you're also very ambitious and without any derogatory intent saying this at all you're a lot of work but it doesn't mean you're bad It just means you're a powerful person.

[834] You've got a lot going on.

[835] Yeah.

[836] You're intense.

[837] Yeah.

[838] You're thinking all the time.

[839] You know, you're questioning things.

[840] You question yourself.

[841] You question this and that.

[842] And you're just, you're a lot of work.

[843] Yeah.

[844] And some guys just can't fucking deal.

[845] And maybe the right guy can.

[846] You've got to find the right guy.

[847] There's like everybody, this is my theory on human beings.

[848] Like, no one is for everybody.

[849] There's not one person out there that's the perfect fit for everybody.

[850] Yeah.

[851] But if you find someone.

[852] who has your, the right slots for your hands, like it fits in like this, then you're good.

[853] But if it lands like this where they have two things, like they have big tits and, you know, they like to fuck, but afterwards they're annoying and they talk too much.

[854] Fuck.

[855] You're going to, it's not going to work.

[856] Yes.

[857] It's not going to work.

[858] But the problem is men, look, men are horny all the time.

[859] They're attracted to women, right?

[860] And then sometimes that horniness and that attractiveness, you get confused and think you actually like the person.

[861] and it seems like you're a liar but you're not a liar at the time before you come before you come you're being earnest but then once you spooge you're like I gotta get the fuck out of here I know this is just yappy yappy yap yap yap yap yap nonsense talk I gotta get the fuck away yeah and then some people that's what I feel right but it's you're meeting the wrong people some people would be perfect with the way you talk about stuff I'm so fun and funny that's the thing I'm like what changed between me us hanging out you liked me and then I sucked your dick and now you don't watch my Instagram stories anymore Okay you can't ask someone to watch your Instagram stories No I'm not I'm not actually asking that But it's like that's an indication of someone likes you Why?

[862] Because I mean it's just it just means that they're checking I don't watch any of my friends Because people I love dearly I don't watch any of their fucking Instagram stories Because you're not you're not dating on Instagram So like I was You would No I wouldn't Joe Trust me Okay Well maybe you're too busy But here's my But if you like That's how you show you like someone now No you call them up Okay You call people Yeah You hang out with them You're nice to them You're nice to them when you see them I don't want to watch you fucking eat cake On Instagram Watch your fucking boomerangs With a forkful of cake Yeah you're right I'm so not interested in that I'm busy I got shit to do And time is super valuable for me I'm not watching anybody's fucking Instagram stories.

[863] No one.

[864] When I watch them.

[865] If I watch it, it's an accident.

[866] That's how I know when someone likes me. If a guy's face keeps popping up underneath my story and I'm like, oh my God, he's watching my stuff constantly.

[867] Is that how works?

[868] I didn't even know that someone can tell that someone's watched your Instagram stories.

[869] Yeah, so you can flip up on them and see who's watching.

[870] And I'll speak to your point.

[871] While they're watching or have watched them.

[872] Have watched them.

[873] And now if a lot of times a guy will be too busy or I'll be too busy but I need to let this guy know that I like him.

[874] So I'll just flip through him very quick.

[875] I won't even watch him, but I want my face to pop up so he knows I'm interested.

[876] It's just a way to be like, hey, I'm into you.

[877] And it's just a way to indicate.

[878] Now, it's happened to me with a couple guys that I've really liked that they're interested, and then after we hook up, no more.

[879] And it's not because I wasn't good at what I was doing.

[880] I really don't think it's that.

[881] Why do you have an idea of what it was without asking?

[882] Well, I have asked, and a lot of times, or one time they've said and then I think it's actually tells me no a couple times actually I get they're too vulnerable with me and then I've seen too much in terms of like they've let me in a way emotionally that they've never let a woman in before and then they're like I remind them of the fact that they might have cried with me or something and then they don't want to be around it anymore that sounds like what I would say if I'm trying to get rid of somebody really yeah I don't think that's true Oh shit Yeah I mean if you really love someone And you really love being around them What do you care if you're vulnerable Exactly If you do care about that You're some kind of a pussy That doesn't deserve to be in a relationship anyway Okay That could be it And they could Why is pussy a bad word?

[883] Let's let's talk about that Pussy Yeah someone saying you're a pussy Like that's ridiculous Everybody that's straight males Love pussy Right a lot of girls Love pussy When someone calls someone a pussy, I'm not thinking about a vagina, though.

[884] That's why it's so screwy.

[885] It's a screwy word.

[886] Yeah.

[887] It's like we were talking about earlier, like with the use of words.

[888] I'm a cunt.

[889] Yeah.

[890] Yeah, it's just a, but pussy's a weird one.

[891] It's like it doesn't make any sense.

[892] Like, like, pussies aren't scared of you.

[893] Like, it doesn't make any sense.

[894] Yeah.

[895] I guess like a cat.

[896] I think pussy cat.

[897] It came from pussy cat.

[898] Yeah, but cats are just smart.

[899] They like, get the fuck away from me. Yeah, I don't know.

[900] That doesn't make sense.

[901] Yeah, they're not scared as much as they're wise.

[902] If they were your size, you would be fuck.

[903] Fucking freaked out.

[904] I'm scared of cats.

[905] The reason why cats are scared is because they're little and you're big.

[906] If they were your side, they would fuck you up.

[907] That's what I always say about...

[908] It's a scaredy cat.

[909] Check a cat out with a squirrel.

[910] Watch what the fuck happens.

[911] Oh, yes.

[912] Cats are scary.

[913] Do you know how many fucking animals domestic cats kill in this country every year?

[914] Oh, my God.

[915] Billions.

[916] Birds, billions.

[917] Billions.

[918] Really billions.

[919] Yeah.

[920] It's a crazy number.

[921] They're ruthless little animals.

[922] Yeah.

[923] I love them.

[924] I love cats I do too I mean I've never had them but I got a sweet little buddy named Prince Oliver He's the best He's a rag doll cat Just pick him up And he just goes limp Starts purring He's the best And does Marshall get along?

[925] Yeah he's fine Marshall gets along with everybody I know Everybody except squirrels Squirrels Squirrels Yeah And my daughter has a rabbit That he tried to kill once Oh yeah Not good Rabbit got away though Luckily Good But now that rabbit's Well he had to be taught Like, hey, fuck face, you can't kill the rabbit.

[926] And he's like, okay, I didn't know.

[927] I thought it was just a rabbit rabbit.

[928] I didn't know it was a friendly rabbit.

[929] I'm going to see some birds after this.

[930] Where are you going?

[931] I'm going to go to a bird shop.

[932] Just a parrot shop my friend knows about.

[933] I was like, I need some, that's what I was so glad Marshall came in today.

[934] I was like, I needed some.

[935] Animal love.

[936] Animal love.

[937] It's so therapeutic.

[938] You forget.

[939] I can hang out with him after the show.

[940] He's so, it's so good.

[941] I just want to snuggle with him.

[942] He's great.

[943] Do you have any dogs or catch anything?

[944] I had two dogs that I, um, gave to my parents because I moved to New York City and moved to like a tiny apartment four floor walk up and I just started like wishing that they weren't alive which is like crazy because they take them out every day yeah I was just resenting them and like finding myself being a little less kind to them not abusive ever but just not as like I love you it's just like every time I see them and be like yeah I'm here to walk you like I was just a bitch around them and my life was unmanageable and so with them and I was paying so much money for dog walkers I wasn't even seeing them people coming in out of my house and then they were barking when I was gone they were just didn't have good lives so I gave them to my parents and my sister I'm going to see them this weekend but I loved them so much and I wish I had a job that could have dogs in it I can't wait to not be on the road so much or have a family.

[945] Do you like working in New York?

[946] Do you like living and working in New York?

[947] I do yeah Like doing those sets running around, doing short sets all over the place?

[948] Yeah, I like it.

[949] Boom, boom, boom.

[950] But I do that here too when I'm here.

[951] Laugh Factory Improv Comedy Store.

[952] So I could, I want to be here and there.

[953] I haven't decided yet, but I'm back and forth all the time.

[954] You could get a yard.

[955] I know.

[956] That's when I had dogs and I was happy.

[957] Talking to Whitney.

[958] She's got a gang of dogs.

[959] I know.

[960] She's got like a giraffe.

[961] A couple horses.

[962] She's got a bunch of horses.

[963] She's got a bunch of shit.

[964] So many animals.

[965] Yeah.

[966] I want Whitney's life.

[967] Whitney was the one.

[968] that told me about that fucking no orgasm book.

[969] Whitney saved my life with a, not saved my life, but like is changing my life with a book.

[970] Because I ran into her one time backstage and I was like, bitch, how did you get engaged?

[971] Why are you so happy?

[972] I've known you forever.

[973] I've watched you from afar and even though you've, like you were always just, you know, Whitney and I met, I moved to town in 2006 and I found her on Myspace, just she had some clip up and I watched her.

[974] I was like, she's funny as hell, and I reached out and was like, let's be friends.

[975] We used to the open mic circuit together, and then we kind of went our separate ways and I watched her from afar and she was always like kind of struggling with men in the same way I was then all of a sudden she's engaged and happy and saving horses and I asked her one night recently I was like what did you do and she was like I read a book and it wasn't that book it was this other book called getting to I do it's such a humiliating title but it just teaches you as a woman to like stop trying to run shit because we're so empowered as women now to be like I can have anything I want I want that I'm going to get it.

[976] And relationships don't work that way.

[977] They sometimes do if you're a more masculine kind of woman, which doesn't mean that you're going for a feminine guy.

[978] Yes, it does.

[979] Well, it means you're going for a guy who is comfortable in the receiving role.

[980] But most women want to have a guy chase them.

[981] But us empowered women are running around like, hey, ask me out.

[982] Let's go out.

[983] And it's like, men don't fucking want that.

[984] They like to chase.

[985] Yes, that's what I'm saying.

[986] Those are the feminine men.

[987] But not even feminine men.

[988] Some masculine men like strong women.

[989] Yes, that's what I'm looking for.

[990] I realize that I definitely, I can't put, anyway, this book just talks about how pick a lane.

[991] Feminine, masculine, figure out what you are and stick with it and don't try to be both in a relationship.

[992] And it's changed a lot of my friend's lives and mine.

[993] Really?

[994] Yeah, just by being like, okay, I'm not going to chase these guys anymore.

[995] If a guy's not reaching out to me, he doesn't like me, wait for me. him to reach out to me. It's pretty much the whole concept of like he's just not that into you kind of stuff, but it's just reminding women that men need to chase us in order to feel like they feel like men.

[996] Don't take the power away from them.

[997] They're turned on by that.

[998] They want to earn our love and our bodies.

[999] They want to earn it.

[1000] Don't just give it to them.

[1001] It sounds like such a generalization.

[1002] It is, but it's based in a lot of science.

[1003] The book getting to I do.

[1004] I really Yeah, this doctor wrote this book, and the title is fucking terrible.

[1005] Wait a minute.

[1006] How could you have science in regards to emotional connections and relationship?

[1007] Where is there science?

[1008] I forget, but I'm just going to be honest with you.

[1009] I don't know how.

[1010] There's evolutionary biology that establishes certain roles, and there's a reason for certain roles and why people pursue certain things, and there's studies that have done on that.

[1011] But the problem is these generalizations, and they apply to one, like if a girl's really hot and she's chasing a guy guys are into it like we don't it's not like maybe at first but then they end up resenting it oh i don't believe that i do yeah but i'm a man but i'm a woman you got to trust me you got to trust what i've what i've i'm a hot lady that's gone after some guys that don't deserve me i don't i don't know if that's what it is i don't know if that's what it is i think you're intense and i think that's what scares guys off i think that's what it is okay but it's not that you would every guy off.

[1012] You just scare these guys that can't handle intensity.

[1013] Some people can't take spicy food.

[1014] Yeah.

[1015] That's what it is.

[1016] Okay.

[1017] That makes me feel better.

[1018] It's, it's all about compatible personalities.

[1019] It's all about it.

[1020] I'm also deeply afraid of any kind of intimacy because I have, I mean, if you're really breaking it down, I have low self -esteem, which I'm working on and ever, you know, a year - But you don't sound like you have low self -esteem.

[1021] You call yourself empowered and hot and you say all these good things about yourself.

[1022] You're out there killing it.

[1023] I'm not as hot as I want to be or would kill to be.

[1024] Literally kill.

[1025] I would murder someone to be hotter.

[1026] A couple.

[1027] If I could get away with it.

[1028] Okay, if you could look like Beyonce, how many people would you murder?

[1029] Do I have to do that by hand and do I get away with it?

[1030] With a knife.

[1031] You have to do with a knife.

[1032] If it's like Bill Cosby, yeah, easy.

[1033] I could murder him.

[1034] Yeah, but I would, if I could, like, the box where you, like, press a button and five people die.

[1035] If this would be like an episode of Black Mirror, if there was, if there was just a room you go into a room and bill cosby sitting there oh it was fucking cataracts yes and uh i give you this this knife okay and uh i say listen you can make this happen but i need you to do something for me need you go in there and take care of this monster yes you think you could stab bill cosby yes and he literally is probably the only person that i could do that too what about harvey winstein um i don't i mean yeah he's disgusting and yeah probably yeah If I, give me the vanity fair about him, like, let me refreshly read all the accusations.

[1036] Like, I need to have it.

[1037] With Bill Cosby, I just feel like there's been so many stories and I've really sunk my teeth into all of it.

[1038] It's a different thing.

[1039] It's a different thing.

[1040] But if you, if you let me talk to a couple victims and hear what he did, I mean, I could do it to so many people.

[1041] I'm trying to think of like a terrible person.

[1042] But I don't like violence and that does freak me. I'd rather just strangle him, have his eyes pop out even more.

[1043] Do you think strangling him was less violent than stabbing him?

[1044] I just don't like blood.

[1045] And like, like, peer, like, even, like, stepping on a cockroach, you're, like, have to hear it crunch.

[1046] Yeah.

[1047] And I don't want that.

[1048] What if you had to kill him with, like, a sledgehammer?

[1049] Ooh, that's blood, too, and that's, like, blunt force.

[1050] Yeah, I could probably do it.

[1051] Could you?

[1052] Oh, yeah.

[1053] Okay, good.

[1054] I just want, I don't want to be alone on this.

[1055] Okay, good.

[1056] Bill Cosby?

[1057] What if you rape one of my daughters?

[1058] Oh, my God.

[1059] Easy to kill them.

[1060] Easy.

[1061] Easy.

[1062] I'd probably, yeah, I don't want to say what I'd do.

[1063] Really?

[1064] Come on.

[1065] I'd do it slow and then I'd throw him off a roof.

[1066] Oh, yeah.

[1067] I would actually, like, go in and act like I was, like, a fan.

[1068] Really?

[1069] And be like, can I run some jokes by you and have him, like, lecture me?

[1070] Whoa.

[1071] And, like, just earn a little bit of his trust.

[1072] And then...

[1073] Jump on his chest, like a spider monkey.

[1074] Fucking shank him.

[1075] Just fucking go to town.

[1076] Yeah.

[1077] It'd feel good.

[1078] Isn't it crazy that five years ago, no one would ever think that?

[1079] Oh, I did.

[1080] Oh, just kidding.

[1081] this is all pre -rape my feelings of them no you're right i mean that would be what an insane conversation right to have like to imagine having this conversation in 2009 no i want to kill bill cops people like what the fuck is wrong with you he's america's dad there's someone right now that we could be having this conversation about that we don't know that we don't know i don't think anybody is like that not like that because i heard about that guy in 1994 when i was on news radio when i was on a sitcom they were talking about bill cosby drugging people and i forget who was having the conversation but they were like bill cosby drugs people and i was like what like yeah like it was like inside hollywood talk like on the set they were saying that someone knew someone who bill cosby drugged he drugs women has sex with him he would make he wrote jokes about it yes he talked about on late night tv about slipping a spanish fly in someone's drink yes yes he wrote an episode of his show where he was like at a barbecue and like there's something in the barbecue sauce and the girls are kind of like yes yes isn't that crazy dude you know what's been happening to me is that so i like i i have been um like you know talking with guys texting with guys um facetiming like all these long distance stuff because i'm scared of intimacy whatever and um i've been having these like really intimate moments with men where it's like our our relationship reaches is that like, oh, this might be something.

[1082] Let's maybe meet up and we make plans.

[1083] And I find out the next day they were, and I think they're like maybe on my way to be my boyfriend and they were on Ambien and they don't remember any of it.

[1084] Whoa.

[1085] I've been Ambiened a couple times and I don't think, and by guys that I'm like, they don't have a drinking problem.

[1086] I'm finally engaging in like a sober relationship or soberish.

[1087] And then they don't remember anything.

[1088] And I'm like, we made plans to go to Mexico.

[1089] together like you I this is price line I can't get a fucking refund Kevin James made dinner when he was on Ambien dude and then thought someone broke into his house like he went to the store and got like a turkey and cooked it made mashed potatoes stuffing graving they did the whole thing cooked yeah and then woke up at the morning and they were like what did you do last night you cooked he's like what the I didn't fucking cook I really thought someone broke into his house and cooked dinner that stuff's horrible Yeah.

[1090] It's so bad.

[1091] I've got guys waking up in relationships with me and they're like they didn't know it.

[1092] They're ready to go to Mexico.

[1093] Like what?

[1094] What's my passport doing out?

[1095] They, and I don't like you like that.

[1096] And then I'm like, well, we and I go to sleep with like butterflies in my stomach of like, God, we finally connected tonight.

[1097] Something happened.

[1098] He finally saw what I saw the whole time.

[1099] And the next day I'll make like, I'll kind of like be like, so last night.

[1100] Like one guy we had phone sex for the first time we were like, and it felt like real sex.

[1101] You know, sometimes it can feel very connected phone sex or FaceTime, Skype sex, whatever it is.

[1102] How far away does this guy live?

[1103] Middle of the country.

[1104] Oh, okay.

[1105] Yeah.

[1106] And I was in New York.

[1107] I thought you were going to say Midtown.

[1108] Midtown.

[1109] I was like, why don't you just get in an Uber?

[1110] I'm like, this is crazy.

[1111] I heard mid.

[1112] I was like, oh, my God, please don't say midtown.

[1113] Yeah, and we finally like got.

[1114] naked together on the and I was like oh my god like this is and it was never really sexual before that like there was little flirty things but I was like when is this guy going to make a fucking move and like and he did but he was on ambient and blacked out the didn't remember any of it not even up second I was so pissed because the next day I went into work I was skipping around I was like dude I telling all my girlfriends like I met a got like this guy is like the guy that I've been talking to them about I have a radio show so every morning I go in and like debrief my producers and I'm like last night we like hooked up and it's happening and um and then I talked to him later on and he was just like wait what are you talking about and I was like and he goes I don't really I didn't even know we talked last night it was it just sucked and then it happened to me recently again there's a lot of people on that shit a lot I did it recently my friend gave it to me because I um I guess I shouldn't say that but my I took some and I guess I couldn't, you shouldn't say that.

[1115] You shouldn't say that.

[1116] Just don't say the friend's name.

[1117] Yeah, okay.

[1118] You're all right.

[1119] Some fucking asshole gave you ambient.

[1120] I was working with Bill Cosby.

[1121] I didn't even mean to.

[1122] He was my friend.

[1123] Because I was just having a really rough time.

[1124] I did the roast of Alec Baldwin and I was not getting enough sleep, which I know you guys were talking about the other night.

[1125] Sleep is fucking everything.

[1126] Yeah.

[1127] And I had a meltdown and I had a, a Netflix taping to do the next night.

[1128] My friend was like, take this ambient, you're not going to sleep otherwise.

[1129] And I took it and I took Instagram off my phone.

[1130] I took Twitter off my phone.

[1131] I cleared my room of food, because you don't know what's going to happen.

[1132] Got the best night's sleep in my life, though.

[1133] You took all those things off your phone.

[1134] Oh, yeah.

[1135] I was like, I don't know if I'm going to get racist when I do Ambien.

[1136] What if that is what causes it?

[1137] I don't know what can happen.

[1138] That is hilarious.

[1139] So you planned that far ahead.

[1140] You took Instagram off your phone.

[1141] So my Ambien state would have had to go into the app store, re -download it, type in my, you know, like a lot of things.

[1142] Yeah.

[1143] That's a very clever thing.

[1144] That's very smart of you.

[1145] I don't want to get canceled yet.

[1146] I mean, someday I will want to get canceled.

[1147] Do you think so?

[1148] Yeah, because that's such a...

[1149] Rise again, like a Phoenix.

[1150] No, not even to rise again.

[1151] To be like, good, I'm out.

[1152] I'm going to go start my bird rescue or whatever the hell.

[1153] You know?

[1154] Yeah.

[1155] That'll be, I'll be okay.

[1156] It's very difficult to get comics canceled unless they're doing something.

[1157] I know.

[1158] You got to get...

[1159] I mean, even a Z. which I think he got a fucking terrible deal.

[1160] Like what happened with him was terrible.

[1161] It sounded like a bad date.

[1162] It sounds like one person's account of it and he didn't give his account of it.

[1163] And, you know, he just tried to stay supportive of Me Too and all that jazz.

[1164] But that guy got devastated.

[1165] Oh, that was really.

[1166] He got wrecked by that.

[1167] I mean, really wrecked.

[1168] And his special is a great indication of it.

[1169] You see his recent special.

[1170] It's like a giant apology.

[1171] I haven't seen it yet.

[1172] But, I mean, he's a funny guy.

[1173] And he didn't.

[1174] get canceled.

[1175] He's still doing shows and everything.

[1176] But as is Louis C .K., he's still doing shows.

[1177] But those guys are an example, well, Louis more so, right?

[1178] He's an example because people are protesting.

[1179] No one's protesting his ease.

[1180] He had a bad date.

[1181] Yeah.

[1182] But no one, but Louis to this day is still getting protested.

[1183] Like he's still, like people show up at his shows.

[1184] They print, every time he does a show somewhere, they print articles about it.

[1185] Oh, who care?

[1186] He's fine.

[1187] I don't care.

[1188] You don't care about him or you don't care?

[1189] I just like, he's fine he'll be fine yes i mean like but emotionally sure you don't care i just like emotionally i think he's going to be fun i think it's all like you're gonna upset some people they're going to protest but it's not going to affect your ticket sales or how much people love you and he knows that and he's going to be quite all right it's not the people that do love him it's the people that hate him it's like there's always going to be a certain amount of people that do love you even if you're a terrible person yeah if you're like look But Donald Trump is one of the things that's fascinating about him to me is that he's the king of the assholes.

[1190] Like he's a self -avowed asshole.

[1191] It's very obviously that he's an asshole.

[1192] And then other assholes are like, finally we've got an asshole speaking for us.

[1193] And they want to wear sunglasses inside and yell shit.

[1194] I mean, this is what he attracts.

[1195] So even if you're an asshole, you're going to get a bunch of people who love you.

[1196] That's just if you're in a public eye, people choose cult leaders, right?

[1197] They don't choose them for their positive qualities.

[1198] They get sucked into this idea of this person liking them and being on a team with this person.

[1199] And if that person's a strong person, it's even more intoxicating.

[1200] Donald Trump's a strong person.

[1201] Celebrities are strong people.

[1202] Celebrities are famous.

[1203] Like, you know, everybody hates you, Louie, but I support you.

[1204] You're going to have those.

[1205] Right.

[1206] What you've done.

[1207] There's people out there that still that show up at R. Kelly's trial.

[1208] And they have post signs and say, we support you.

[1209] Those bitches knew what they were in for.

[1210] Really?

[1211] This is something that's going on right now to this day.

[1212] It's because people get incredibly drawn to someone who's in a position of fame and power like a Donald Trump or anybody.

[1213] And Louie's one of those too.

[1214] So it's not that the people who love him don't always love him.

[1215] And people love Louis before and they forgive him for what he's done, but there's going to be people that don't.

[1216] And those people that don't, and they write articles.

[1217] And it's just like, if he reads them, it just like burns on you and it hurts you.

[1218] It's like, and he's a super.

[1219] sensitive guy.

[1220] So all this stuff, like, he's going to be fine, yes, but it's still devastating.

[1221] Yeah, but didn't he cause a little bit of devastation in some people's lives, perhaps?

[1222] For sure.

[1223] Yeah, for sure.

[1224] Eye for an eye.

[1225] And I really think, like, the women, the angry people who don't like him and aren't going to shows wouldn't have gone to them anyway.

[1226] And yet it's going to hurt to get that Google alert for your name when, you know.

[1227] You've got to turn off that feed.

[1228] One out of ten articles is maybe negative about you, but he's doing all right.

[1229] I mean, like, I talked to him after it one night at the comedy cellar, and he told me some examples of things that have been said to him in public.

[1230] Like, because I just asked him, I was like, what has it been like for you?

[1231] This is right when he came out of hiding.

[1232] Right.

[1233] And he told me some stories of things that had happened in public where a woman once whispered in his ear, you fucking piece of shit.

[1234] Like, you know, he's at a store or something.

[1235] and then another one where just a woman blatantly in the street was like fuck you you know and it was like oh my fucking god this is a nightmare for you walking outside your house and I'm like this is oh no those is only two times of the whole year and I was like oh okay well that seems manageable and he goes he says but 10 times a day people are still asking for my picture and autograph so it's pretty good so I don't think he's suffering that much and I don't think he as many people hate him as maybe would have any way because no one can be famous for too long without people hating them you know what he said a big one was a big one was that parkland thing that joke that he made that got released he said that that really that really fucked him up the response to that because it was after he had just starting to stand up again after 10 months off and then he did that joke about the parkland survivors about like why are they interesting and because you put pushed a fat kid in front, because you survived.

[1236] Like, yeah, you're laughing.

[1237] See, it's a fucked up thing that someone would say at a comedy club.

[1238] When you take that out of context, then people get angry at it.

[1239] But that is a classic Louis C .K. line.

[1240] I mean, that sounds exactly like most of his act.

[1241] We would have celebrated him before this whole thing.

[1242] 100%.

[1243] But now he's walking a fine line.

[1244] He can't.

[1245] Also, the very beginnings, the embryotic stages of a bit.

[1246] And that bit could have been a monster bit.

[1247] Totally.

[1248] Yes.

[1249] You're so right.

[1250] That was the first Incarnation of that Yeah.

[1251] No stand up at all for 10 months And then he's got this bit and he's working on it And he's got an angle The angle is why are we these survivors Just because they survived doesn't mean they're interesting That's that is true Love it.

[1252] It is true.

[1253] Great bit It could have been an amazing bit But some fuckhead had to record it and then put it on YouTube And then you got guys like Judd Apatow yelling out about it Like as if this is like Louie's final statement on the subject and it's this especially by other comics like that I found that the whole thing to be so fucked up I was like you know what a bit is and you know when someone's trying like don't you ever try out new bits man I've said some stuff on stage where I even say to the crowd listen that didn't come out right that was the first don't please don't tell anyone that I just said that well you all be just cool of course so I definitely understand that and I understand saying things that make people feel really sad and angry and they feel hurt by it and they write mean things to me saying that I've hurt their feelings and it feels shitty when people hate you.

[1254] So I do feel for him that way I do.

[1255] And that's why I asked him like what is it like you're the most beloved and then you were hated.

[1256] I mean that's got to fucking suck.

[1257] And he said he would have gone done that he would have gone to Africa to or whatever you know somewhere to disappear but his kids.

[1258] He couldn't leave and so he had to sit with it.

[1259] It's got to be super hard for that.

[1260] I sympathize or I can empathize with that for sure.

[1261] And that would suck.

[1262] And I'm not immune to getting fucking canceled.

[1263] I'm sure I've said shit before that she's just waiting to resurface.

[1264] Dude, you said shit on that roast.

[1265] Oh, my God.

[1266] I'm scared to do the roast.

[1267] I was like, this stuff isn't going to age well.

[1268] No. With how we're going.

[1269] You know?

[1270] Yes.

[1271] It's scary.

[1272] You went hard in the paint.

[1273] Oh, dude.

[1274] Dude, I was supposed to go so much harder, too.

[1275] Really?

[1276] Yeah, I had to cut a lot of jokes.

[1277] Why'd you have to cut a lot of jokes?

[1278] Because Caitlin Jenner didn't want us talking about her car crash.

[1279] Jesus Christ.

[1280] That was like the bulk of my material.

[1281] Don't be here.

[1282] I know.

[1283] She didn't even know that it was possible that we were going to do that.

[1284] Oh, my God.

[1285] I was like, because Comedy Central was.

[1286] I know.

[1287] Comedy Central told me they're like, listen, we don't think Caitlin knows that those jokes are coming.

[1288] And I was like, will you tell her?

[1289] or will someone give her a heads up and they're like we don't want to alert her because she might not want to do it now.

[1290] So who decided to not do the jokes?

[1291] I was doing the jokes around town to get ready for it.

[1292] Like I was going like Caitlin Jenner such a beautiful woman you killed with your car four years ago, you know, stuff like that.

[1293] I loved you on keeping up with the car crashians just like different things.

[1294] I love that you I love that you're a woman that can't men straight yet you still managed to have blood on your hands like great jokes and you can't menstruate you can't menstruate menstruate menstruate yeah you still manage yeah you can't get your period but you still manage to have blood on your hands and um and I was doing it and they were like my favorite jokes of my set they like did the like worked the best I was working the set up for like a month before and um who told you to not do them well Comedy Central strongly advised me not to they never said you can't they've never said that to me which is decide not to Because Caitlin Jenner heard the morning of, they had a call with her, the morning of the roast, that she had heard, apparently someone's doing jokes about me and my car crash.

[1295] And if they do, if I hear a single, that was a very devastating thing that happened to that family and a woman lost her life.

[1296] And if there's a joke about it, I will walk.

[1297] That would have been awesome.

[1298] That's what I told Gammy Central.

[1299] That would have been awesome.

[1300] Before I heard this, I was like, if she gets upset, because they were like, if she gets upset, there might be a moment where, you know, the cameras go to, and the problem is I was going first, and I was doing all the jokes about the car crash.

[1301] Now, if I would have upset her first off, then the whole show is thrown off, and it's weird in the room.

[1302] I said, bad press is good press.

[1303] It's going to get ridden up so much more.

[1304] You guys, come on.

[1305] You should have said, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever, and just went up and did it.

[1306] I was going to, Joe.

[1307] You should have.

[1308] They go, just don't put the jokes in the prompter.

[1309] because then they haven't signed off on it.

[1310] I'm going rogue.

[1311] Right.

[1312] You know.

[1313] So, go rogan.

[1314] So I went up or so that morning I woke up and I was still kind of like maybe I'll do a softer version of those jokes.

[1315] I was going to, I was going to mess, tweak them a little bit.

[1316] I was going to say, Caitlin Jenner, what a beautiful woman you accidentally killed with your.

[1317] I was going to add the word accidentally just to like soften it and make it more factual.

[1318] Yeah.

[1319] And then Comedy Center called and they said that she had.

[1320] said she'll walk and that's when I decided I'm not going to do it I don't want to this woman to walk off stage I don't want to I don't want to I don't want to really I just think it's so strange that we're calling her a woman really I love it I love the chaos of it like I just love this woman like oh yeah it's not a man anymore I'm so proud of myself when I don't even have to think about it anymore because for a while it was like make sure you say woman make sure you say she's the worst example of it because she's such a dummy like when when she talks it's just like it's so it's like disappointing I go wish you had more insight on it like there's there's women that transition that are brilliant the other day just like dumb men begin transition to women and then they're suddenly like these amazing women yeah that's what he is he was a dumb guy he was a he was a male Kardashian and then all the sudden he's like celebrated well the greatest woman of all time I won the woman of the year her you know what but the best purpose that he serves she serves for, though, is Kyle Dunnigan's Instagram feed.

[1321] Oh, my God.

[1322] When Kyle does it.

[1323] That's another thing that Comedy Central cut out.

[1324] Comedy Central was doing a Kyle Dunnigan show where it was all like face swap shit.

[1325] Yeah.

[1326] And he had a bit where Caitlin was fucking Donald Trump and she was on top of Donald Trump.

[1327] It was goddamn hilarious.

[1328] He was showing it to me. I was in the green room in the comedy store crying.

[1329] I mean, crying out and he's like Comedy Central cut that.

[1330] I'm like, no. They said they can't do it.

[1331] What?

[1332] I'm like, what are you talking about?

[1333] I know.

[1334] You got a face swap show.

[1335] No one was naked.

[1336] She was just on top of Donald Rodden.

[1337] He's like, that show would have been so good.

[1338] He's genius.

[1339] He's genius.

[1340] The funniest part, one of the funniest people I'll ever know.

[1341] For sure, the funniest ever Instagram feed.

[1342] Yes, agreed.

[1343] For sure.

[1344] His Instagram feed is a monster.

[1345] I go to it every couple of days because it takes a while for him to create those things.

[1346] He's doing it every day.

[1347] I get so excited when he puts a new one up.

[1348] Him and Tim Dylan on there make me laugh a lot.

[1349] Yes.

[1350] Yes Yeah, Tim Dillon's awesome When he does Megan McCain He's so fucking funny And Tim because Tim is gay Because he's like this He looks like he'd be a frat boy But then you find out he's gay He's like whoa You can get away with a lot more Yeah, he really can He is great And he's sober which is crazy Because you're like This guy's got to be on hard drugs When he's doing that Megan McCain impression You're like what kind of drugs this guy on God you're so right He's on air He's just breathing air And drinking water And he's keto now oh yeah he's keto oh my god yeah he's well he got freaked out by a couple people's health issues what he's got a new one oh what is he doing oh my god this is was so horrific i want to thank beach body for making me their spokesperson i've been using their product since the beginning and i'm a triathlete he's lost a lot of weight though yeah good for him good good look him keto so he got scared you said well yeah i mean you know he's he's he's very heavy he's very heavy and you know You know, he just was realizing he's the fucking Megan McCabe.

[1351] Give me a Megan.

[1352] Yeah, please.

[1353] Hey, is the only gal on the panel who held up a Boston market this weekend?

[1354] I'm going to talk a little bit about guns, okay?

[1355] A lot of people in the media have never shot a gun, and they've certainly never masturbated with one.

[1356] They have no idea what the fuck they're talking.

[1357] My gun's not for sale, but my pussy is.

[1358] And the price is P .F. Chang's.

[1359] My father and his friends used to hunt me in the backyard.

[1360] I would run around and they'd shoot at me. And my father said, if we hit her, the only thing that's going to come out is whipped cream.

[1361] He was hilarious.

[1362] The AR -15 is the most popular gun in America, and it's the only thing that's ever made me come.

[1363] I like guns, and I put them in my pussy.

[1364] You don't tell me what guns I can own or what people I can own.

[1365] He's fucking nuts.

[1366] You know she's seen that.

[1367] Oh, yeah.

[1368] You know it.

[1369] You know she's seen that.

[1370] Oh, poor Megan to have seen that.

[1371] Yeah.

[1372] Oh, my God.

[1373] He, yeah, he's, oh, we were talking about the, so anyway, I just decided not to do the jokes because I didn't want to upset her.

[1374] And it was, it sucked because it would have been nice to know leading up to that.

[1375] Right.

[1376] Because I was preparing, but yeah.

[1377] Yeah.

[1378] Yeah, who cares?

[1379] I just didn't want to, I don't want to make people feel bad.

[1380] I'm going to walk.

[1381] Come on.

[1382] What do you expect?

[1383] I mean, you had Alec Baldwin's fucking daughter come up and tell jokes about what a horrible daddy is.

[1384] I know.

[1385] And you can't own up to the fact that you crashed into someone?

[1386] Yeah.

[1387] So what did, did you make any jokes about her?

[1388] Oh, yeah.

[1389] I said, I just made fun of the fact that she was a terrible father at one point and, like, abandoned one of our families to go do a reality show.

[1390] So I really leaned into that.

[1391] She did?

[1392] Yeah.

[1393] She had Brody Jenner and a couple others.

[1394] Who the fuck is Brody?

[1395] Yeah.

[1396] He's the most famous of her sons.

[1397] Oh, yeah?

[1398] But she had a whole family before the Kardashians that, like, she didn't watch grow up, even though they were just, like, down the road, down the PCH.

[1399] Really?

[1400] Yeah.

[1401] Do you know that for a fact?

[1402] Yeah.

[1403] Yeah, it was like an episode of the Kardashians.

[1404] Dashans where she was like I wasn't around for your lives and uh yeah and but she was like so nice during the when I was doing the jokes she was like so happy about all the jokes about her abandoning her family she was like I love them oh it's the death one that she has a problem yeah yeah because that was it was weird because it happened during the celebration of her becoming a woman yeah she was right in the thick of the transition and they had a settlement she settled I think there was some kind of fault who knows accidental but she did not want to relive it who would right but listen I had a guy with my car once did you yeah I almost killed him it was terrible was he walking no he did not walk right after I mean on the street when you hit him Garbage man picking up collecting across the street jumped out from the car didn't see him I was 16 just had gotten my license and he flew up on the hood and flew into the grass I thought I killed him and it was terrifying and he sued me four years later right now Under the statute of limitations, and I had to go to court, and then it came out on the stand that he was a child molester, and so I won.

[1405] Whoa!

[1406] Yeah, I was kind of fucked.

[1407] Karma.

[1408] Yeah.

[1409] Yeah, you're karma.

[1410] I picked the right person.

[1411] You picked the right fucking person to hit with a car.

[1412] Holy shit.

[1413] He's a child molester.

[1414] Have you ever almost killed someone?

[1415] No. No, luckily.

[1416] Yeah.

[1417] That's crazy.

[1418] Yeah, it's made me a better driver.

[1419] Although, at one time, in a fight, in a martial arts, fight.

[1420] I knocked this guy out.

[1421] He never got up.

[1422] And I started thinking that could be me. Because they took him away to the hospital.

[1423] And I went back to talk to my instructor.

[1424] And he wasn't there.

[1425] It was in Anaheim, California.

[1426] And I was living in Boston.

[1427] We flew back to Boston after the tournament.

[1428] And he said to me, I heard you had a really good knockout, you know, with his thick Korean accent.

[1429] And I said, yeah, I go, it was really scary because he never got up.

[1430] I go, I mean, I thought he was dead and he goes sometimes they die and he just walked away like he used to train troops in Vietnam like he was like an intense guy and I was like sometimes they die holy shit I'm them them is me like I could die I was 19 and I remember I never thought about the same way again I never thought about hitting someone the same way again because it was one of those but like sometimes you hit someone and it's like a perfect shot like you hit them they were running it He was coming at me and I kicked him with something called a wheel kick.

[1431] It has a crazy amount of power.

[1432] You spin around and you hit someone with the heel of your foot.

[1433] It's a heart.

[1434] My heel hurt for days.

[1435] Jesus.

[1436] I was limping, walking from hitting his head.

[1437] Yeah.

[1438] It was rough.

[1439] Have you ever been hit in a way that you're like, that could be?

[1440] No. No, no, no. I've been dropped and I've been rocked and I've definitely been hit, but I've never been knocked unconscious and not like that.

[1441] That was a bad one.

[1442] He was like face planted.

[1443] He was snor.

[1444] boring i've seen a lot of people get knocked out did you have you checked on him recently i have no idea who he is wow i've no i've no idea what happened to him you gave him cTE probably murdered his whole family at this point no 100 % he got brain damage what 100 % what 100 % whoa joe there's no way he didn't oh my god there's no way he didn't but could that happen to you of course it could have happened absolutely could it happen to you now in the way that you're fighting i don't do it anymore I do jiu -jitsu now.

[1445] But jiu -jitsu is not striking.

[1446] It's not like kick.

[1447] And this was not like sparring.

[1448] This was a fight.

[1449] This was in the U .S. nationals.

[1450] Wow.

[1451] That was the Massachusetts state champion and he was a champion.

[1452] I think he was from Illinois.

[1453] And so he was the Illinois state champion.

[1454] Did you get like so much pussy back then from being like, from winning fights?

[1455] Were there like groupies?

[1456] No, there was no groupies.

[1457] No?

[1458] I got the opposite of pussy.

[1459] I was always training.

[1460] I wasn't doing anything.

[1461] I wouldn't even have sex with my girlfriend in the dojo.

[1462] I wouldn't, like, she, because I was sacred.

[1463] I was teaching there.

[1464] So, like, once she was horny, and she was trying to hook up with me. Like, I was, I had to go up there to do something, clean or something.

[1465] I forget what I had to do.

[1466] But she was trying to, I'm like, I can't.

[1467] Like, this is not, we can't do this here.

[1468] Like, this is not, this is never going to happen here.

[1469] Which is like, I would fuck her in our alleyway.

[1470] I would fuck to run a bus if no one was looking.

[1471] But not in the dojo.

[1472] Not there.

[1473] No. It's actually in Korean.

[1474] It's called dojang.

[1475] They would call it Dojang.

[1476] But, no, I didn't get any pussy.

[1477] I mean, other than my girlfriend at the time.

[1478] And then when you start comedy, like, so much.

[1479] Yeah.

[1480] Dude, it's crazy.

[1481] That was the crazy thing.

[1482] It's like, like, all of a sudden, girls actually like me, like, instead of me liking them and them rejecting me, because I was basically a loser.

[1483] You know, even though I was, like, a successful martial artist, I had no money and no future prospects, and there was no promise to me, you know?

[1484] It's like, where's this guy going?

[1485] Did you see this for yourself eventually?

[1486] like not exactly this obviously but like no just being happy successful did you you really felt like a loser like what the fuck am i going to do yeah wow i used to have extreme social anxiety believe or not how did that manifest itself i was talking to people about like um the bank teller thing was a weird one for me i always got super nervous talking to bank towers like i got to be in line there's like three people in front of me and be like three more people i'm going to talk to the lady wow two more people i got to talk to the lady you know i'd get weirded out i'd get i had pretty extreme social anxiety, I think.

[1487] I just didn't have good self -esteem.

[1488] I just thought I was a loser.

[1489] And then what made you do stand -up?

[1490] Well, I had friends from my martial arts days that talked me into it.

[1491] And said you were funny.

[1492] Because I would make them laugh when we were on our way to, like, top competitions.

[1493] Everybody was so nervous.

[1494] You know, because these are full contact tournaments and people got knocked unconscious all the time.

[1495] Like, my friends got knocked unconscious.

[1496] I mean, I've seen so many people get fucked up.

[1497] and everybody would be tense so I would be the guy who broke the ice I would be making everybody it was like gallows humor I'd make everybody laugh and then my friend Steve who I'm still dear friends with this day um he Steve Graham he said you should be a comedian and I was like there's no way man you think I'm funny because you're my friend I go the things that I think are funny everybody else is going to think I'm an asshole like it's just fucked my sense of humor was fucked up but he he talked me into it and then I went to an open mic night and then I realized that oh open mic nights everyone sucks like you're just trying to start out like we're all amateurs so my thought was like at least I won't be as bad as the worst guy you know I'll probably be better than the worst guy so maybe I could try this and then I went up and I did it and then once I did it once I knew I was going to do it when did you stop feeling like a loser a couple weeks ago yeah even then I'm not convinced do you secretly feel like Do you, do you, are you insecure still?

[1498] Are you, do you struggle with self -esteem at all?

[1499] No, not really.

[1500] Not anymore.

[1501] But I used to definitely have, uh, imposter syndrome, you know, like, even when things are really good, like, I'd go to a sold -out theater and like, they'd introduce my name.

[1502] And like, as I was walking out and people were cheering, I'd be like, this is not real.

[1503] Yeah.

[1504] This does not seem real.

[1505] I'm tricking these fucking people once again.

[1506] Yeah.

[1507] You know, and even when it was over, I'd be like, cool, tricked them again, you know?

[1508] Yep.

[1509] It's weird.

[1510] It's, I think that's.

[1511] healthy though because the idea of being a famous person or being a celebrity is it's a crazy state that doesn't it's not supposed to exist you're not supposed to be able to go to a place where 10 ,000 people have paid money to hear you talk for an hour I mean that is fucking bananas that doesn't exist in nature it's not a normal state for a human being to be able to manage so if you thought like that's normal and you deserve it and it's not special and strange then I think that that would be weird.

[1512] Right.

[1513] Like to think it's special and strange always, but appreciate it.

[1514] I think that's the way to do it.

[1515] Yes, appreciate it.

[1516] So, I mean, I know I can do it, but the reason why I know I can do is because I do it all the time and I work really hard at it.

[1517] Yeah.

[1518] So I know I show up.

[1519] I know I have my act ready.

[1520] I know I'm prepared.

[1521] I don't take it lightly.

[1522] Yes.

[1523] And it means a lot to me. If you've, I feel the same way.

[1524] If I've worked hard enough, I feel like I deserve it.

[1525] But if I'm, if I don't, if I've had a lazy week and I'm performing.

[1526] and I'm making big bucks for a big deal and I haven't even looked at my set list or just I feel guilty and I feel impostery.

[1527] The way that I combat imposter syndrome is like I had a therapist one time say who do you think that you are that you can fool all these people?

[1528] You think these people are that stupid and you're so smart and you're tricking all of them?

[1529] So I try to remind myself of that when I think this audience doesn't fucking know how untalented I am and they're just here because they think I'm something.

[1530] I go, who do you think you're smart?

[1531] than these people these are smart people they know what they like well your audience is smart people but let's be honest there's a lot of dummies out there that have a big audience yeah you're they've tapped into a whole river of fucking idiots yes that's that's real too yeah the idea that just because you have a lot of people coming to see you that you're really good that's nonsense no you have to be good people always are like other comedians are so mad at comedians who are hacks that have huge followings and I'm like dumb people need to laugh too it's like dumb movies yeah sure or dumb movies.

[1532] Everyone needs entertainment.

[1533] How many Maida movies are there?

[1534] Oh, yeah.

[1535] Like, fucking 80 of them, right?

[1536] Yeah.

[1537] You ever try to watch one of those things?

[1538] No. Give you brain damage.

[1539] Yeah.

[1540] Yeah, it'll change your life.

[1541] Have you actually tried?

[1542] Yes.

[1543] Yeah.

[1544] We should watch some clips.

[1545] Yeah.

[1546] I mean...

[1547] But there's movies that are like, look, I don't mean to pick on that guy.

[1548] I mean, he's doing great.

[1549] Used to be a homeless person.

[1550] Now he's just got a star on the Walk of Fame.

[1551] Congratulations to him.

[1552] It's not my kind of movie.

[1553] but obviously a lot of people love it.

[1554] There's a lot of movies that are for little kids, that if you watch them, they're terrible.

[1555] Like, I watch kids, I watch movies with my kids, and I was like, Jesus Christ's movie is awful.

[1556] And they're like, ah, ha, ha, ha.

[1557] It's not for you.

[1558] It's for nine -year -olds.

[1559] They think it's hilarious.

[1560] So not everything's going to be for you.

[1561] And I think, yeah, I just have to, instead of getting mad, like, why is that person so successful?

[1562] I just go, well, their audience needs that.

[1563] And they're not going to enjoy you.

[1564] They can't.

[1565] And not because they're not smart enough.

[1566] It's just like I don't speak to them and I can't speak to everyone and that's frustrating.

[1567] Wondering why other people success or wondering why other people are successful is the refuge of losers.

[1568] Yes.

[1569] It's a loser mentality.

[1570] It's a loser occupation.

[1571] It's a loser practice because you're wondering why other people are successful.

[1572] Like, who gives a fuck?

[1573] You can say you think it sucks, but to spend time wondering why someone is successful and hating on someone who's being successful.

[1574] It doesn't do any good.

[1575] It's like, what is that old expression that jealousy is, it's a poison that does the opposite of its intended?

[1576] Oh, right.

[1577] It doesn't affect the other person at all, but it poisons yourself.

[1578] Yeah.

[1579] It wastes your, your energy and time.

[1580] It just is so, it's so indicative that you are insecure.

[1581] Yes.

[1582] It's like, people don't realize how, what a giveaway that is when they are talking shit.

[1583] You're just like, oh, this is just showing me that you fucking don't like yourself.

[1584] Well, I figured out, there's something that I figured out.

[1585] personally and that I try to relay this and I try to be more clear and more concise the way I relay it.

[1586] The way I look at it is that your mind, you have a certain amount of bandwidth.

[1587] This is why I don't read Instagram comments or Twitter comments or YouTube comments.

[1588] Like, I don't mean time.

[1589] If I read them, it's an accident.

[1590] But to seek them out and go, like, you have bandwidth.

[1591] I don't spend time wondering why I hate things or hating things or hating on someone or being jealous.

[1592] You have, let's say, let's call it units.

[1593] You have 100 units of bandwidth in your mind.

[1594] So it means there's a hundred units that you can spend on things you care about, or you could let your mind be occupied, why some stupid fucking Twitter feud that you're in with some idiot that you don't even know.

[1595] And you could spend 30 % of your Twitter bandwidth, or your mind bandwidth on this.

[1596] And then you only have 70 % for the things you love.

[1597] And then maybe you're involved in some fucking relationship but someone who's an idiot and you're arguing back and forth with them well there's another 30 % that's gone now you got you have 40 % left you have 40 % for the things you love instead of 100 % but if you only concentrate on the things you care about that means something to you and learn how to do that like you were talking about meditation yeah it's a form of meditation yeah because you're learning how to avoid the little road bumps and the ditches on the side of the road that can suck your bandwidth you can give them just a little bit and go okay no no no but Or you could lean in.

[1598] Like how you're saying when you stopped drinking, all of a sudden your career took off.

[1599] You started doing well.

[1600] More bandwidth.

[1601] You had more bandwidth.

[1602] And you had less problems.

[1603] This problem that you had that was rotting you away no longer existed.

[1604] So now all of a sudden it frees up your time and you realize, oh, my God, there's so many funny things that I could talk about.

[1605] And I have so much energy and I'm so healthy.

[1606] I could just go on stage and have fun and then you're killing it.

[1607] When was the last thing that you go, no, no, got to, like you maybe gave it a little too much.

[1608] bandwidth do you still struggle with those things no i don't not really anymore but it's been a gradual process like remember the first you had to have been a jealous dude in stand -up like when you first started out you had to have hated the guy that was getting ahead like right i don't know any male comic i definitely was in the beginning yeah and how what what happened to that you get successful and it didn't happen i feel like success before i was successful before i was successful i realized it was stupid long before um because when i was like an amateur i would see guys that were killing and I'd be like fuck him like why is he doing good like that guy sucks and this guy sucks and you know how come he got this and he got that and then I remember thinking like this is a gigantic waste of time and I got into comedy because I'm a fan of comedy and my concentrating on people that suck or being jealous about people that are doing well does me zero good but instead if someone does well I can be inspired and I can get fired up by it I mean I figured this This is how in my early 20s.

[1609] I was like, okay, I have a poor way of looking at it because it's a martial arts thing.

[1610] Because in martial arts, like, you can't be jealous of someone else's ability.

[1611] You have to realize you might have to fight them someday.

[1612] So by realizing that they're really good, you're forced to be objective about it.

[1613] And you have to go to work.

[1614] Like, you have to go, fuck, that guy's better than me. I got to get better.

[1615] And you have to go to work.

[1616] Right.

[1617] There's no There's no positive benefit In underestimating someone Undermestimating someone will get you fucking killed Like literally You're gonna get a shin smashed into your face Like you don't want to ever Convincing yourself that the things that you're jealous of them for Aren't really as good That will get you killed So that's it dude That's totally it because the things that I get jealous of And I'm better about it now than I've ever been But, you know, you see other women.

[1618] I mean, my jealousies are always with other women.

[1619] It's just the way it is.

[1620] And I have to fight it.

[1621] And I'm really good about it now to be, like, actually inspired by women who are funnier than me. That's awesome.

[1622] But, and to use it to be like, okay, then I need to be better.

[1623] I need to get up to that level.

[1624] That is, I need to go home and write.

[1625] It, like, fires me up as opposed to, like, why?

[1626] And it's powerful for everybody.

[1627] It's powerful for them.

[1628] It's powerful for you.

[1629] Yes.

[1630] It's like there's no negative aspect to it.

[1631] It's like, you should be thankful that there's, women out there that make you feel uncomfortable yeah like when i see someone just murder on stage fuck i want to go to work yeah i want to go right i want to get home and write yeah i want to i want to go perform i'm like fuck that guy just killed or holy shit she just crushed she's out there killing it and he's he's doing so good it makes me want to work harder and in that sense as long someone's not doing anything bad as long as someone's not victimizing someone what they're doing is they're they're they're they're showing you that it's possible to do better than you're doing yeah and that's good you need to see you need to know that the second you get comfortable and you think you're the best then there's nothing to well you i'm sure you've gone into a town and like there's local comedians and there's like a guy who's like a funny local guy and he's terrible because the community sucks yeah because there's no one there's no one pushing them we fucking need each other that's why new york has so many killers that's what happened LA has so many killers because there's so many of us whenever i go back and forth to different coasts it's like you just the styles are so different but like when I moved to New York, you had to follow Dave Attell.

[1632] You're going to rise.

[1633] Yeah, you have to.

[1634] You have to, or you're going to drown.

[1635] Yes.

[1636] So it's, I'm always encouraged by being around better people.

[1637] I always want to follow when people are like, I don't want to follow Atel, I don't want to follow Chappelle or whatever.

[1638] It's like, no, I do.

[1639] You have to.

[1640] Because it's, it's a challenge.

[1641] And yeah, it's inspiring.

[1642] I wanted to get back to the fact that I wanted to think of, what's the last thing that derailed you in terms of bandwidth?

[1643] You were about to answer.

[1644] Like, what's something that you had to kind of get out of your life.

[1645] It's not a one instance, but it's a slow progression.

[1646] And also, my career, like, I became successful during the time that the Internet came to be.

[1647] Yeah.

[1648] So it was all happening, like people being able to comment on you and say things, that was all a completely new thing.

[1649] And everyone had to learn how to navigate those waters.

[1650] Because at first, I would treat people that were saying something online like a heckler.

[1651] Like, if someone would heckle you and say something.

[1652] something and then you'd be like what fuck you and then you would own them right like in like in the early internet days that's what people did like they would have these flame wars they would call it where people just like go back and forth with each other and you would like it was a sport there's a lot more of that than there is now well it's a waste of time yeah not always it a waste of time then you realize like no this isn't a heckler this is a like you're getting a message the world can't hear it like so you have to decide if you're going to concentrate and then put all your energy and broadcast to the world that you're involved in this this altercation with this other person.

[1653] It's fucking pointless.

[1654] We see it all the time with people.

[1655] People get sucked into these traps.

[1656] I see it with fighters.

[1657] Like UFC fighters all the time, they're getting these fights with fans.

[1658] Like someone will say something to them and they'll reply and then they'll go, I got them to reply to me. And it's a waste of time.

[1659] And it just took a while to realize for me what's positive, what's negative.

[1660] It doesn't mean I'm immune to criticism.

[1661] or that I don't deserve criticism, like everybody does.

[1662] And there's times where you're going to misstep or you're going to say something that's not correct or foolish or not as funny as you thought it was when you were thinking you were going to say it.

[1663] Yeah.

[1664] That's just part of being a person.

[1665] But to engage constantly in swimming into the deep waters of other people's criticism and opinions, random Internet people, it's like, God damn it, that's so much bandwidth.

[1666] It's so much.

[1667] So much.

[1668] You could use 100 % of your bandwidth on that.

[1669] And some people do.

[1670] Some people go goddamn crazy.

[1671] I've met people that are just like Googling themselves and reading their own internet comments all day long and just going crazy and fighting with people all day long and going crazy.

[1672] And it gets in no matter how much you're like, fuck this guy.

[1673] I was doing like a live Instagram yesterday on the way of the airport, just talking to some fans.

[1674] And one guy was like, wow, you look a lot better with makeup.

[1675] Because I was like no makeup on, looked like, you know, shit.

[1676] And I go, fuck you.

[1677] You're blah.

[1678] I got him out of there.

[1679] And I go, I'm going to be honest with you guys.

[1680] It's going to bother me the rest of the goddamn day.

[1681] Because this guy just said what I actually think about myself, that no one actually is saying to me. And that's when it hurts.

[1682] It's like when someone nails something about you that you're like, I secretly think.

[1683] But it's probably just me. no one else sees it and I had to admit I was going to think about that later and it might make me not do one of these again because I don't want someone to say something like that and bring it to everyone's attention it's so much since the last time I was here and we talked a lot about my obsession with looks and being pretty or hot or whatever it is I've let a lot of that go but it's still it's still there it's really hard to overcome and you're a hot dude I mean, how do you let go of that as you age?

[1684] I mean, like, you're, like, you know, like, you've, you definitely have some value wrapped up in your looks as someone who's attractive and fit.

[1685] I think it's different for a man than it is for a woman because there's a lot of ugly dudes with hot wives because the ugly dudes are successful.

[1686] Yeah.

[1687] There's very few, very few ugly women with hot husbands.

[1688] And if there are, the guys are gay.

[1689] Yeah.

[1690] Because why would a man ever be with a woman less attractive?

[1691] than him well this men that are with women that are less attracted with them because they're interested in their personality or their sense of humor that's real yeah but the the disproportionate love that some disgusting older men have and with hot women like lil duval okay you know little duval i fucking love that dude he's got something on his instagram pull this up it's uh this guy in a tub and he's like this older dude and he's got this young lady that's sitting on his lap in front of him, and she's asking him what she likes in him.

[1692] I'll just play this out.

[1693] We'll play this because it's fucking hilarious.

[1694] Play this.

[1695] Watch this, watch us, watch this.

[1696] Just listen to this.

[1697] Your personality, your attitude, you're physically attractive, and it takes a lot of things to make a person to like somebody, okay?

[1698] You need physical attraction, you need a base.

[1699] I can tell you're a sense of caring person.

[1700] by talking to you and only way I can learn more about you is by doing things with you and I like to try and do that now listen well I'm just saying I just want to be taken care of and okay I want to go to like the Chanel store that's not a problem just shop I don't I don't want to bathe the suit from K mark that was your choice because you wanted to be in your no no because there's like we're not too far from from all those stores where there's like better stores i just i'm i'm not going to find anything that fits me in came on okay so you're going to take me shopping right you got it to get stores what do you like a lot he's like insider so he's like almost 70 it looks to me yes and not really a handsome robert no she's doing everything to not look at him and she looks like she's about 30 and lean and her tits are floating above the water.

[1701] Hala.

[1702] See, that's what I'm talking about.

[1703] That's possible.

[1704] That's real.

[1705] That's real.

[1706] Flip that.

[1707] No way.

[1708] It doesn't exist.

[1709] It doesn't exist anywhere.

[1710] Seven -year -old lady with a hot, lean, young man. Joe, I've been having a lot of young dudes coming after me. Well, you're young still.

[1711] I know.

[1712] I'm 35, but I've been having...

[1713] Oh, but young guys like a mature woman who's still hot, who's like physically fit and smart and interesting.

[1714] I feel weird about it though Like a dirty lady I know I feel fetishized Right Like I'm an old lady I don't want anyone to be like Cougar 35 35 And I've got like 22 year olds 20 year old It's getting pretty low Smash them Really?

[1715] Yeah get on top Choke them Make them choke you I don't know whatever you're into No well I don't have Fetised but it's not weird I just don't want to be an old I don't want them to only like me Because I know what?

[1716] You think way too much.

[1717] What the fuck?

[1718] Yeah, you think way too much.

[1719] How do we stop?

[1720] I don't know.

[1721] But about that kind of shit, like just enjoy it.

[1722] Who gives a shit?

[1723] That's also one really positive aspect of drinking.

[1724] That, I mean, I'm telling you, dude.

[1725] If I still drank, I would hook up so much.

[1726] Yeah, you'd be like, well, how old are you?

[1727] 19.

[1728] Come me, Mama's pussy.

[1729] I really miss drinking for, you're so right.

[1730] I think so much because, man, that was the only way I used to have sex.

[1731] was to drink and now it's just so difficult for me now you have to find something you actually like and then that's scary because that would that could be intimacy so i am stuck between intimacy and bang and i i haven't had sex since may whoa and before that even longer oh i've only slept with one person over the past six years it's october it's october it's october july august september five months five months of my literal, like, best -looking year of my life wasted.

[1732] And...

[1733] I don't understand that.

[1734] Are you meeting guys?

[1735] It's not that I can't have sex.

[1736] It's that I won't let myself because I get too attached to people and I feel like it's...

[1737] So you worry that if you do have sex with them, that it's going to be too much.

[1738] They'll stop watching my Instagram story the next day and I will be so sad.

[1739] You should not have an Instagram story.

[1740] That way you won't have that problem.

[1741] Well, they'll stop texting me. They'll stop.

[1742] Something will stop and I will feel so, so sad.

[1743] And I'm avoiding that sadness of sleeping with someone too soon.

[1744] I feel like I'm a doctor here.

[1745] And it just, yeah, it sucks.

[1746] Yeah, I think you're just interacting with the wrong people.

[1747] Yeah.

[1748] I mean, I don't know who's the right person for you.

[1749] You know, you never really can tell.

[1750] No, you can't.

[1751] You just know when it happens.

[1752] Yeah.

[1753] But it seems like with you, she's just a super nice person.

[1754] How did you meet her?

[1755] Met her at a bar.

[1756] Really?

[1757] Where?

[1758] Texas.

[1759] And, oh, God, it's like Matt Damon.

[1760] That's how he met his wife.

[1761] I don't know why.

[1762] I just love to know how people met their wives.

[1763] You have to find someone first of all that's going to be able to deal with the fact that you're a comic, right?

[1764] Unless you're dating other comics.

[1765] Which I am.

[1766] Well, that's good, I guess.

[1767] Everyone's like, don't do that.

[1768] I'm like, well, how am I not going to?

[1769] Tom Sigur and Christina Posizki, one of the best couples.

[1770] Moshe Casher and Natasha Legerro.

[1771] Bonnie and Rich.

[1772] Yes, great couple.

[1773] Great couple.

[1774] It's possible.

[1775] And obviously, there are people that are going to understand you.

[1776] Yes.

[1777] And I understand what you do.

[1778] But, like, a regular dude is going to have a problem with you being the funny one.

[1779] Like, a lot of dudes have a problem, you know.

[1780] But some people, like, are fine with it.

[1781] Like, Eliza, Eliza's husband.

[1782] He's a chef.

[1783] He's super chill.

[1784] He's great.

[1785] That guy's awesome.

[1786] I know.

[1787] He really is.

[1788] But he's so chill.

[1789] He just, like, hangs.

[1790] Like, it's a perfect compliment to her.

[1791] personality because she's so brash and outrageous and you know and she's so powerful and he's this like mellow dude you know it's like hanging out and you know it's like they work together yeah he's not a weak man he's just calm you know and they work together right you got to find someone like that you got to find someone who who complements your personality in a way yeah but it's just like i don't know how you meet someone like that when you're a girl comedian i think women comedians it's a unique requirement that you have for other people because the thing where men always want to be the center of attention, right?

[1792] The man wants to be the alpha.

[1793] They want to be the one who's talking like clink, clink, clink, ladies and gentlemen, we have, you know, Bob's going to give a toast.

[1794] You want to be that asshole.

[1795] And when you got a wife or a girlfriend who's a fucking way funnier than you, not only she's funny than you, she's fucking funny professionally.

[1796] Yeah, I'm funnier than everyone that isn't a comic and then a lot of comics, too.

[1797] Like, it's like, it's people are like, you need a comedian.

[1798] I'm like, I'll be funnier than them too.

[1799] It's hard.

[1800] But it is hard.

[1801] And you're so right about that.

[1802] Like, I see how much pussy men get thrown at them doing stand -up because even I get wet for stand -ups.

[1803] Like, I know the tricks.

[1804] And I'll be watching a guy with, like, killing.

[1805] There's so much attraction.

[1806] When you see an audience all.

[1807] watching this dude on stage and he's commanding them with laughter and telling, you know, controlling their emotions, you just get wet for it because you're like, he's, it's cavewoman brain.

[1808] It's like, he's our tribe leader.

[1809] Right, right, right, right.

[1810] He's the leader.

[1811] I need to fuck him.

[1812] He's going to protect me during wartime.

[1813] Like, that's the difference in men and women, because men don't get that when a woman talks.

[1814] No, shut up, go knit something.

[1815] Who's this bitch?

[1816] I get it.

[1817] I get it.

[1818] I get it.

[1819] Yeah, I remember Theo Vaughn telling me recently, he was like, I hated your comedy.

[1820] And I'm like, what?

[1821] What?

[1822] He's like, I did not.

[1823] like you.

[1824] And I go, well, I've always been funny, so I don't understand, and you're funny, you're funny, so you, funny knows funny.

[1825] He's like, it wasn't that.

[1826] It was just, like, your voice reminded me of, like, my mom or something.

[1827] It's just my mom's always yelling at me. And I was like, there it is.

[1828] And he even was like, I can't believe I'm saying this to you.

[1829] And I was like, I like it because, yes, we remind you of your moms.

[1830] Female Comics, if you've had an overbearing mom telling you like it is, what it is all the time, I would be like, shut the fuck up, ladies.

[1831] I would hate female comics if I had an overbearing mother.

[1832] So I empathize with that Theo is so crazy He's so fucking crazy He's so crazy He's funny though He's just so ridiculous He is so funny Well he's so funny Like he's so Theo Like I don't know anybody That has his style Even remote His style is so uniquely him It's so hard to be that unique And you watch him And you're like Yeah This isn't cultivated This isn't It's who he is It's just who he is How he And he was able to that's not easy to do as be as funny as you are with your friends on stage and he's worked really hard at it and he's just, he's nailed it, man. Well, he's just, I don't know, he's just got this thing that when he's funny, like Brody had this thing, like if you wrote the things down that they say on paper it's not funny, but you see them in person and you're fucking dying.

[1833] They just figure out a rhythm of a rhythm of comedy that just didn't exist before them.

[1834] Yeah.

[1835] Brody is like, it was unfortunate with some of the clips that were going around of him to like, that people saw for the first time where he would do like late night.

[1836] He wasn't the Brody that we all talk of as, do you know what I'm saying?

[1837] Well, those late night spots, no one understands.

[1838] You have to be in the room, first of all.

[1839] You have to realize that this is a fucking 2 o 'clock in the morning set of a show that started at 8 p .m. Yes.

[1840] I mean, and also like, and I don't know if you'll agree with this, but my take on stand -up is even anybody that's even the most brilliant comedian when you watch them on a special it's 70 % as funny as if you see them live maybe always might be less might be less might be 60 % so you're nailing it yeah i've never liked someone more on a special than i've done than i've seen them live impossible when you're there there's a crackling in the air when someone's on stage is a feeling when you're in the room with them and they're saying it live like they're saying like that part of what stand up is is it's happening right in front of you when you watch a netflix special you know that shit took place in may like if someone watches bang and i'm sure it's hilarious yeah but you know it happened in may you're not in the room it's a recreation it's a recreation of something it's you're so right i forget how great stand up can be sometimes to just watch because i'm just i do my set and i leave but sometimes you have to like hang out and watch people it's so good it's great it's so good i still love it you're always watching you're good about that i watch it and i try to blow up people that are coming up yeah like up and coming people yeah same yeah we were uh watching how do you how do you pronounce her last name laura uh beats is that i say her last name i don't know i've never heard it's on my instagram page the other day me and uh chrycher we did a set in the main room sold out set in the main room and then how do you say her last name jeez christ christ christian She's funny, though.

[1841] She was performing in front of 12 fucking people in the OR, and Bert and I said, let's just sit down and watch some comedy for a while.

[1842] And she's murdering.

[1843] And Adam Eaget had been telling me about her.

[1844] How he's...

[1845] I guess it might be Laura, L -A -R -A -B -E -I -T -Z.

[1846] Okay.

[1847] B -E -I -T -Z.

[1848] Fucking murderer.

[1849] She's a murderer.

[1850] And so while we're on stage, while she was on stage, there's 12 people in the audience, and the audience doubled during the time she was on stage.

[1851] L -A -R -A -L.

[1852] B -E -I -T -Z I love it I'm telling you the fucking play We were dying She was murdering And this is Look at what you did That's awesome dude 130 a M spot Dude I gotta see her I mean That's what the comedy store is all about Yeah It's like one day You're gonna see that girl She's gonna have a Netflix special And you're gonna say I remember I was at the fucking comedy store It was 130 in the morning The show like we're thinking about leaving And this lady went up and murdered stand -up is so great It's the best I'm so lucky I stumbled into it But if you took that clip And then made a video out of it And put it on YouTube And a tiny little screen You watched it on your phone You're not gonna get the real feeling That Bert and I got sitting in the back of the room Watching her You're not gonna get it You gotta go see comedy live Fuck yeah That's what basically specials are right They're like ads We're just We're showing people how good we are So they'll come see us live Yes But it's way better live But ads are never as good Yeah it's never as good as the movie I always tell people to go to shows alone because I feel like so many people miss out on going to see comedy.

[1853] To tell people to go to shows alone?

[1854] Always.

[1855] Why?

[1856] Because, dude, so many people aren't going to your shows because they can't friend friends to go and they feel like losers if they go alone.

[1857] Really?

[1858] Yeah, a lot of people don't do things like because they think, oh, if I can't find a date or I can't find a friend, then I'm not going to go.

[1859] So many people miss out on stuff and it's like I encourage people go alone.

[1860] because I think it's so cool.

[1861] It's also better because you don't have to check in on whoever you brought with you because sometimes you just are like I don't want to go alone so you pick a bunch of people that you're like or what if they don't enjoy it and you're checking in on them and if you laugh too hard at something that's that you're like oh no they think I relate to that too much and you're worried the whole time when you go alone you're fucking free but I'm thinking too much on behalf of people who are missing out on shows because they feel insecure about going alone go alone it's so cool I've never thought that once You think so much, Joe Rogan.

[1862] You're all about thinking.

[1863] Yeah, but I mean, go by yourself if no one wants to go with you.

[1864] But if not, go with your friends.

[1865] But what if you don't have friends?

[1866] Get some friends.

[1867] No, no, no, no, no. Some people don't have friends, Joe.

[1868] They should have friends.

[1869] I know, they should make friends.

[1870] Well, I think they should go to a show alone and make friends with other people going alone.

[1871] Boy, how do you find them?

[1872] Maybe you try to make friends with someone and they're with her wife.

[1873] Hey, you fuck, get away.

[1874] She's in the bathroom.

[1875] Yeah.

[1876] trying to make friends with people that are with somebody else and like hey man this isn't a place to make friends it's a praise to see a show well my shows are i'm i'm i just connected to people last night that are going alone to my show do you know who has like the record of the most people that buy single tickets who mark marron oh that makes sense totally makes sense yeah i want to eclipse him because he's kind of alienated he's that guy yeah he's alone in his shed connects with his cats he's not in the shed anymore you got a new spot okay yeah moving on up Like the Jefferson's.

[1877] But that's a thing.

[1878] Like I've had people say, hey, if I come to your show by myself, my loser?

[1879] I'm like, no, I've gotten to things by myself.

[1880] Yes.

[1881] Go to things by yourself.

[1882] Go to things by yourself.

[1883] But also find some friends.

[1884] It's so hard.

[1885] Some people don't have friends.

[1886] They just need to do something where they'll find camaraderie in what they do.

[1887] It's one of the things about jujitsu that's really wonderful is that people that do jujitsu.

[1888] They find friends that also do jiu -jitsu.

[1889] You become friends with these people that are into this difficult thing.

[1890] Listen, I'm sold on jujitsu.

[1891] I haven't met a damn person who's tried it and doesn't become obsessed with it.

[1892] Yeah, it's awesome.

[1893] And good self -defense for the ladies, right?

[1894] Very good for the ladies.

[1895] Like the best self -devation.

[1896] Yes, because look how small your hands are.

[1897] Yeah.

[1898] You're not going to punch somebody in the face and hurt them.

[1899] No. It's just too many men are too big, too hard.

[1900] But you can defend yourself with jiu -jitsu.

[1901] You'll understand grappling.

[1902] And if you get a hold of someone's neck, you could choke them unconscious.

[1903] Really?

[1904] 100%.

[1905] Yeah.

[1906] Yeah.

[1907] If I let you wrap your arms around my neck and I show you how to do it and I don't resist, you could put me to sleep.

[1908] Really?

[1909] Wow.

[1910] Yeah.

[1911] Legitimately, especially with your legs.

[1912] Like, women who know how to use their legs correctly and they learn how to choke people with their legs, like a guy tries to get on top of you, you could strangle him.

[1913] That's real.

[1914] I don't have any defense technique in my back pocket.

[1915] Like, I have nothing.

[1916] If a guy attacked me, I'm always just like, well, I'm just dead.

[1917] Like, I need to learn something.

[1918] Just be annoying.

[1919] Just start disparating him.

[1920] done it.

[1921] It's working.

[1922] That's what I'll do.

[1923] I'll just start talking and trying to psychoanalyze him and be like, you're only attacking me right now because your mother didn't love you enough and you hate women.

[1924] And I remind you of your mom in some way that set you off and now you're trying to rape me. And hold your hand up like as if you had a mic.

[1925] Yeah.

[1926] Who's killing now?

[1927] If you go to a jujitsu class, maybe that's where you'd meet a good guy.

[1928] I think so.

[1929] I think that's what I like about your sober October, the challenge to do a new class where you're like it's not it's maybe not an athletic adventure but you're like what are you going to learn?

[1930] Well yesterday we took we did gun lessons yeah we went Tommy and I took I loved your caption about that it was really good where you said like it's something where I'm like I got a lot to learn and you like it it was my first time even shooting a pistol in more than 10 years I mean I hadn't shot a pistol since the last time I shot one on on a range, which I think was about 10 years ago.

[1931] I shot rifles.

[1932] The last time I even shot a rifle, though, was a few years ago, like two or three years ago, I think.

[1933] So it was, and I mean, obviously, I'm a real beginner when it comes to that.

[1934] And with pistols, I'm a super beginner.

[1935] I didn't know anything.

[1936] So all these folks at this Terran tactical place were showing Tommy and I how to do it right.

[1937] And it's like, it's a real wake -up call.

[1938] Like, you really don't know what the fuck you're doing.

[1939] And it's something where there's a good, giant, area that you can improve in like knowing nothing like just I know how to squeeze the trigger I know the site is here you'll be line it up pull the trigger don't jerk the trigger just pull it but learning it correctly from these people and how to hold the gun correctly to stabilize it and how you're supposed to stand and how you're supposed to lean in watching men and women do it correctly and show you're like oh okay okay okay like whoa this is good this is something I don't know anything about it's so exciting when you get like one little nugget and it just all of a sudden changes everything and you're like I would have never figured that out on my own with all with millions of years of breath like that's exciting so good yeah jihitsu is an ocean it unlocks it's an ocean of possibilities that and you're just getting your toes wet in the first day and you're like oh my god there's so much to learn I'm going to a voice doctor right now because I don't want to ruin like my instrument and which I'm now starting to look at it as an instrument and which I'm now starting to that I was never taught how to play.

[1940] I'm just freestyling on this fucking saxophone.

[1941] You know, like no one, I've never gotten less.

[1942] We don't get lessons for our voice.

[1943] Right, right.

[1944] Have you ever taken any?

[1945] No, but it's a good idea, though.

[1946] I mean, you talk so much.

[1947] Have you ever lost your, do you lose your voice ever?

[1948] No. Okay, well, then you're probably talking the right way.

[1949] I know a lot, too.

[1950] Yeah, but you probably scream in a really efficient way or yell in an efficient way.

[1951] I think you just have strong vocal cords.

[1952] Yeah, I mean, I'm learning stuff that I'm like, whoa, I didn't even know.

[1953] no like there's three places where your voice can come from your throat your mouth and your nose and i'm talking all throat and that's why i'm getting polyps developing i mean i'm getting stuff growths on it because i don't know how to talk and it's just my vocal cords are slamming all day and they develop calluses after they slam and those are like the and i'm gonna have them surgically removed i'm gonna lose my voice if i don't they're like you're here right in the nick of time so i do voice exercises every day and i'm loving it um i start out i go wait now that's opening up your throat and it's so your vibrate and it's making you realize that the vibrations in your face cause a lot of your the sound so it's your nose in your mouth that you can focus on creating the sound that comes out of your that makes your the air okay then you go m m m m m mum me and you're supposed to make your whole face vibrate feel it in your right now people are screaming at their fucking they're fucking hating this and you should so yeah i'm just in my house going never monday never monday never monday never monday never monday never Monday never Monday that's still a little throaty yeah yeah it's learning it's but it's like I never thought about it.

[1954] It's changing everything.

[1955] Do you know how to play an instrument?

[1956] No. No interest?

[1957] None.

[1958] Me neither.

[1959] I mean, I would like to know, but...

[1960] If I did, I would get into it.

[1961] That's the problem.

[1962] Yeah.

[1963] And I don't have any time.

[1964] You don't have any time.

[1965] No. I feel like this is a practical application for learning how to shoot people.

[1966] Yes.

[1967] Yeah.

[1968] It's probably good.

[1969] It's good to know.

[1970] Yeah, you're entertaining people enough.

[1971] You don't need to add a guitar.

[1972] Well, I just, I don't want to get obsessed.

[1973] That's my...

[1974] You can't have interest because you don't have time.

[1975] Time.

[1976] Why get crazy?

[1977] Because you'll get obsessed.

[1978] I'm crazy.

[1979] Like, that's my crazy.

[1980] I'm not a junkie.

[1981] Like, you put heroin in front of me. I have no interest.

[1982] But if there's something that's interesting and it's hard to do, the problem is I get obsessed with things.

[1983] Like, really obsessed, where it takes over my whole day.

[1984] What was the last one?

[1985] Archery.

[1986] Archery was the last one.

[1987] Yeah, bow hunting.

[1988] And do you still practice it?

[1989] All day.

[1990] I've got two ranges in the studio.

[1991] I've got a game out there where, have you seen the game, the techno hunt game?

[1992] No. I'll show it.

[1993] There's a, there's a fucking archery game where there's a Kevlar screen and I have these different broadheads that are flat at the end like the head of a nail.

[1994] Broadheads?

[1995] No, broads.

[1996] Broads a weird one, right?

[1997] Like, is that a negative?

[1998] Some chicks like it's like it's fun.

[1999] She's a classy broad.

[2000] Yeah, it's not negative.

[2001] Sounds like a powerful 80s lady.

[2002] Yeah, broad's not like, uh, like what's a neck?

[2003] I mean, other than like.

[2004] Slit, hole.

[2005] Oh, I've never heard of slit.

[2006] Yeah, you're just a couple slits.

[2007] I've heard hole before That's what Opie and Anthony used to call The girl who was on the morning The third chair Yeah Oh god The hole And as a whole Because there was like Holes in the show Because like when they would talk The only reason why they were there was there were a woman Yes Someone like we need a woman on the show So they'd get some chick And she would just like I just feel like you guys are not letting me talk Guys Yeah I've been on shows where the girl was a hole Yeah I have too But I've been on shows where the guy was a fucking hole, too.

[2008] Oh, yeah, there's a lot of just, holy shows.

[2009] Those shows are kind of dying.

[2010] I know.

[2011] They're dying.

[2012] Because of this.

[2013] Because of this.

[2014] Because there are more interesting people that know how to make people laughing.

[2015] Well, there's no reason to listen to them.

[2016] And then every fucking 15 minutes, there's some new goddamn commercial for fucking Tom's Dodge.

[2017] Yep.

[2018] You know, hey, this was Tom and Tom's fucking Dodge shows.

[2019] They sell your car.

[2020] Yeah.

[2021] Woo!

[2022] You'd get so bored.

[2023] You get so bored.

[2024] board listen to their nonsense.

[2025] You just nailed it and you just sold me a dodge.

[2026] Hey, get you got my judge.

[2027] Daz ram, it's on a discount.

[2028] Yeah, but those, those morning shows, you would go to those shows and some would be really cool.

[2029] Yeah.

[2030] You know, some of them would be awesome.

[2031] But then there was other ones that you could tell they really wanted to be a comic, but they were scared, but they knew that you needed them to sell tickets.

[2032] So they were kind of with you.

[2033] Yes.

[2034] Yes.

[2035] Yes.

[2036] Do you remember that?

[2037] I go in and I take those shows over to show them how it's done.

[2038] You're like, here's, I want to show your listeners what real comedy is and what, like, actual jokes are.

[2039] Do you have to go to those anymore?

[2040] Do you still do those?

[2041] I still love doing them.

[2042] Do you really?

[2043] I like, I'm a morning person.

[2044] I get up.

[2045] I like to make the rounds.

[2046] I like to go in.

[2047] Take over.

[2048] I learned from Bert Kreischer.

[2049] He was the first person.

[2050] He was a headliner when I was working with him as a feature act.

[2051] Back in, like, West Virginia, uh, sorry, Virginia Beach, Funny Bone, Dayton.

[2052] Where else were we?

[2053] We were all over.

[2054] I was always working with him just randomly.

[2055] Richmond, Virginia.

[2056] He would take me to radio, which he did not need to do.

[2057] But he was like, do you want to come tomorrow?

[2058] And I'm like, as a feature, sure.

[2059] And I would just see how he would walk in and take over a show and make it his own.

[2060] And they fucking loved him.

[2061] And he would sell more tickets because, like, it was just, it was so much.

[2062] And he was having fun doing it.

[2063] And so when I do morning TV or do radio, I always just go, I'm my freest self.

[2064] and I feel like they're always like oh she's out of control because you say anything on there and it's like dump button you know yeah yeah you just go in I go on TV shows with no makeup I look like faces of meth whenever I'm going on to fucking market I literally look so disgusting I can't care anymore because no one's watching these morning TV shows and I go in with no makeup the lighting is so bright everyone's wearing so all the women look I look like a man because without makeup on as a woman on TV look like a man and um you just do because women wear too much makeup so by comparison you look like a man and I just go in and sometimes I just like have an open sore on my face like I just I feel so free doing those shows I think I'll do it as long as they ask me really yeah I like it even when you're selling out arenas and shit oh maybe not then maybe just some of my favorites like the good the good ones but um but I get a kick out of it I love radio Bert and Tom know how to take over a morning show, those morning TV shows.

[2065] Yes.

[2066] Do you ever see Tom would go on as this character, DJ Dad Mouth?

[2067] No. Yeah, he would tell them that he's Polly and Bi and Non -Bionary, and he would wear sunglasses and fur coats and he would wear gold chains.

[2068] Oh, my God.

[2069] Because he was so bored and the shows were already sold out.

[2070] So they were making him do these things because they had like relationships with the local TV stations.

[2071] And this is before he really blew up from his Netflix specials.

[2072] Let's see, he got it right there.

[2073] This is one.

[2074] Shut up.

[2075] Oh my God, there's multiples.

[2076] You're right.

[2077] DJ Dadmout.

[2078] He does it all the time.

[2079] DJ Dadmout.

[2080] Has a big announcement.

[2081] I love this.

[2082] And DJ Dadmout does the weather.

[2083] He did it everywhere.

[2084] And the people that were working these shows did not know what the fuck he was talking about.

[2085] He would say, yeah, I'm coming out as Polly.

[2086] I'm Polly.

[2087] I'm coming out as non -binary.

[2088] He would come out.

[2089] is so, you're right.

[2090] It's completely out of boredom because these shows are so boring.

[2091] Look at the fur coat.

[2092] The fur coat with the hood and the giant rope chain.

[2093] I like that he had to travel with this.

[2094] Yes, in the sunglasses.

[2095] He planned for this.

[2096] And the fucking interviews were hilarious because that is the lowest rung of show business in terms of competency.

[2097] They are the least entertaining people in all of show business.

[2098] And they panic whenever there's any fucking dead air.

[2099] They don't know what to do.

[2100] He would say something.

[2101] but like, oh, I don't even know what that means.

[2102] It's so bad.

[2103] Yeah, it's rough.

[2104] Yeah, you don't do that shit anymore.

[2105] I don't do anything.

[2106] You don't do, yeah, you don't, why don't you go on talk shows and stuff?

[2107] You just don't care?

[2108] Because I can talk too much.

[2109] Yeah.

[2110] So anybody wants to know what my opinions are.

[2111] I'm fucking saying them constantly.

[2112] Constantly.

[2113] I don't need any more attention.

[2114] I would need 10 % less attention.

[2115] Okay.

[2116] New question.

[2117] New.

[2118] New direction Okay Being famous Going out places What's it like for you Is it what you wanted Is it what you expected You clearly There was some part of you That wanted to be famous At some point in your life I think you want to be famous Because you want to be successful Right You want like in the beginning People are paying attention to other people Why aren't they paying attention to me Oh look Jerry Seinfeld's in the room Nobody even cares if I'm alive I wish they cared that I was here Yeah Yeah but then once you get it You like go Oh then you lose your anonymity and then it's weird and then people react to you differently one of the things my wife said to me I go I go I like that seems like a nice guy She goes listen Everybody's nice to you She goes you don't even realize it Like people I see people act like assholes To other people and then you come in here And they act like a totally different person I love that she said that She's hilarious My life says some funny shit She's funny than me Like in terms of like social situations She's the funny one because I'm not like I don't try to be funny Yeah But she does.

[2119] Like she gets a kick at it.

[2120] When in social situations, she'll have a couple of drinks, and she's the one that, like, takes over.

[2121] But she's just got good timing.

[2122] Like, one time I was going through this period of time where I was getting massages from dudes because girls just are not good at getting into the deep muscle.

[2123] Yeah.

[2124] So I'd get these deep tissue messages from dudes.

[2125] But, you know, it was just, when we were staying in a hotel, I got a massage.

[2126] And I came back upstairs and said, fuck, I left my wedding ring back down there.

[2127] So I went back down to the locker room to get my wedding ring.

[2128] and she goes where was it in his ass but it's the way she said it like she was actually curious and then she knows she got a zinger off and then I'm dying laughing so she thinks it's awesome yeah so she said she noticed like if you didn't know better you'd probably think she's the comedian yeah like when we're out but that's good but that's one of the reasons why it works yeah you know because you need a funny but she doesn't want attention but she likes being funny like with us she just gets a kick out of it's fun for her.

[2129] It's like she doesn't want to play tennis professionally, but she might want to play with their friends.

[2130] That's an ideal partner for a comedian, I believe.

[2131] But she notices that people are nicer to you.

[2132] And you, I mean, you have dealt, you've seen the shift.

[2133] Everyone's nice now.

[2134] Yeah.

[2135] Suddenly.

[2136] And it's not that the world's just got nicer.

[2137] You've just gotten more famous.

[2138] How do you, do you, what about when you're in public and you find people like videotaping you or like you can sense it when they're away when you know that they know who you are people do this is a funny thing that people do to hold their camera up like you don't know god they're looking down yeah yeah and you're talking to your friend they're like filming yeah do you say anything or do you just let it out come on man i'm just a human dude it's just a human that more people know let's it don't be weird you know you want to take a picture we take a picture together yeah don't be just filming and pretending you're not filming it's just too strange like my friend sturgel said that uh he's on an airport and dude was just holding a phone up while him and his friends were talking and he goes come on man he goes hey it's the price you pay he's like no it's not there's nothing written anywhere the price you pay is you see me at Starbucks talking to my friend you stick a phone in front of us and film us while we're talking that's just weird yeah but it's just it's also that it's so alien to some people to see a famous person yeah one of the good things about LA is they're used to famous people there's so many famous people out here you see them all the time and it's like you You know they're going to be around.

[2139] So you're like, oh, there's Nikki.

[2140] It's normal.

[2141] It's like a safari.

[2142] Right.

[2143] The animals are in their natural habitat.

[2144] It's normal.

[2145] It is cool to see a cheetah, but there's others.

[2146] But if you're in, you know, fucking Louisville and you're walking around and you try to go to a bar, it might get weird.

[2147] Things might go Western.

[2148] Yes.

[2149] And you've been to Louisville in a bar.

[2150] Yeah.

[2151] And you've had to leave that bar.

[2152] Yeah, I've had a few of those moments.

[2153] But most of the time, people are just friendly.

[2154] You just shake their hand.

[2155] and they're you know i have a like the kind of fame i have is like people know me it's a weird kind of fame it's like because of the podcast they know me oh they know you so well it's not like um daniel day louis where you have no idea what he's like i'm gonna go talk to him i wonder what he sounds like i wonder what he talks like that's a really good point yeah they know you i mean i even have had guys ask me out or feel or like propose that we should date because they're like there's this one guy recently who discovered me in one day and he knew he was going to see me that night at the meet and greet at the show and I think he had seen my roast kind of went viral last week or two weeks ago so he saw that and he was like oh my gosh he's in Irvine tonight and he bought a meet and greet ticket and he listened to me all day he was like I listened to you on Rogan for three hours then I listened to this podcast I mean he was listening to me all day so for him we spent a whole day together where I was telling him all my deepest insecurities I mean I get real on these things and people feel connected to you and then he comes to the meat and grade and his energy is so strong and like we should be together type energy like he didn't say that but he's just like it just you could I just go this guy spend all day with me and I don't know him at all and I knew that going in and he and I kind of just like shoot him like we took a picture I was nice but I was like he came the next night again because you could tell he went home and was like I blew it my one shot and he bought a meet and grade again which I'm like you sat through the show again at the same fucking show and he had a second chance and he tried to talk me like low on my weight and I just took his hand like get up no but it's feel they feel like they know you but that's a weird thing when someone tries to touch you low on your waist like right by your butt and they can't wait touch your butt they're like let me just touch the top of her butt I'm I'm I'm grateful that anyone even thinks I have an ass worthy to touch because I have such a flat ass so when it does get touched I'm kind of like flattered but don't do it I don't like it it ultimately makes me feel not good at all at least I mean my friend Andrew will be watching because it's happened so many times where guys casually just put their hand on my ass when they're taking a picture and it's and no one ever sees it I'll have security guards like watching and I'll be like well you just watch for men touching me in weird places because it's always weird for me to call out because it's like in front of their wife and I don't want to embarrass them and make it a thing right so I just go like I'd rather someone else call it out and security guards will watch and I'll walk up to him and be like did you not see that guy and they're like no I was watching and like it's so stealthy and subtle the way that a guy can put his thing just this is what they do your back and then when they're done with the picture they'll just go like their hand will like oh I'm just my hand's just gravity and it'll graze your whole backside and what it does is just like God man you don't respect me I just was on stage you paid to see me you had to sit and be quiet the whole time I demanded a sort of respect in that moment and you've just taken that from me it just makes me feel gross I don't know if it's that they don't respect you it's that they're trying to get away with it they think like maybe she won't even know So I just let my hand go limp and just go down the thigh.

[2156] But don't they want me to notice?

[2157] So I'm like...

[2158] I don't know.

[2159] Maybe.

[2160] Depends on the person.

[2161] Yeah.

[2162] It's...

[2163] But it happens all...

[2164] And with women, it happens a ton.

[2165] Women definitely, like...

[2166] Do you know who grabs me?

[2167] Older ladies that are drunk.

[2168] Yes.

[2169] Older ladies that are drunk will just grab my ass.

[2170] I've had like...

[2171] Not okay.

[2172] Late 40s, ladies get a couple of pops in them.

[2173] Ladies night out.

[2174] They were hot in their 20s.

[2175] they were like the type of girl that like I feel them feeling my back they're like literally squeeze you like like a like a horse like checking checking the meat stop it ladies it's not okay for you to do to men I know that it's not the same let me tell you something it's not the same because you're not physically threatened by these women it's grow I'm like hey get out of my ass any it's not like any man with their musculature at any size could really overpower me I'm a weak I'm a tall woman but I'm a weak woman so any man touching me is like it's a threat It's a threat.

[2176] It is a threat.

[2177] Not the same with women and men.

[2178] But still, get the fuck off men, women.

[2179] I'm sorry.

[2180] Well, it's just, people are just, and that's another thing about drinking.

[2181] It's drunk.

[2182] People get drunk and they make stupid fucking choices that they would never make if they were sober.

[2183] Even smart people.

[2184] Smart people with five drinks are stupid.

[2185] Oh, they're so stupid.

[2186] You get a smart person with five drinks and I'm like, the wrong fucking thing, like weird fucking secret desires that never get revealed.

[2187] to all of a sudden come popping up.

[2188] Yep.

[2189] They start making out with guys.

[2190] Hey.

[2191] Hey, what's happening here?

[2192] Woo.

[2193] Yes.

[2194] Everyone's dumb at seven drinks.

[2195] Everyone.

[2196] I think no one's better two drinks and more.

[2197] Like maybe men because you have a little bit more tolerance.

[2198] But it's around two drinks where I'm like, I love a person up until two drinks.

[2199] They'll get better.

[2200] And then after two drinks, I'm like, I'm kind of out.

[2201] They're slow.

[2202] They're slow.

[2203] They're loud.

[2204] Yep.

[2205] They're close to your face.

[2206] Would you prefer, four drinks or cocaine?

[2207] See, I haven't...

[2208] I'll take four drinks over Coke every day the week.

[2209] Now, tell me why, because I guess I'm not around enough cokeheads.

[2210] They talk too much.

[2211] They talk too much, and they want to get really close to you, and they want to keep talking, they talk fast.

[2212] It's like Adderall people.

[2213] Same thing.

[2214] And it's always about them.

[2215] The thing about speed, amphetamines, it's always a self -serving conversation.

[2216] It's always about you.

[2217] It's always about what you're going to do.

[2218] It's always about who's fucking you over.

[2219] and who's keeping you from doing this and you're going to do that and you know this because you're smart and everybody else is stupid but you're not that's that's coke talk Did you ever do coke?

[2220] No, never did it I got lucky I knew I had a good buddy of mine his cousin sold it and I watched this whole life fall apart He was doing coke constantly He lost a shit load of weight And I remember thinking oh my gosh You got bit by a vampire Like this guy got infected And you were like nuts I was so scared of it A few people in my neighborhood would do coke and it all always went bad.

[2221] It always went bad.

[2222] Yeah, good for you.

[2223] So I just, I recognize that real early.

[2224] I was like, that's a bad one.

[2225] I did it one time with Doug Stanhope.

[2226] Hollow.

[2227] I didn't mean to, but I was just, I really didn't mean to.

[2228] It was at the Kansas City, Stanford and Sons in Kansas City.

[2229] Oh, that place.

[2230] You have to do Coke there.

[2231] I think it's part of the contract.

[2232] I all week, I didn't talk to Doug.

[2233] I was so scared of him.

[2234] I was emceeing.

[2235] I was in college still.

[2236] And the last night, Saturday night after the late show, he had like his whole entourage back to his hotel room to hang out.

[2237] I was invited.

[2238] I went just sitting quietly in the corner.

[2239] And he has a bunch of coke on the desk that he's doing.

[2240] And no one else is really doing it.

[2241] They're just kind of watching him do it.

[2242] And then he gets a call from the front desk that's like, hey, your car is here.

[2243] He had an early morning flight.

[2244] And he's like, I'm not taking this with me. Does anyone want it?

[2245] And I was like, I'll bring it back to my friends at college.

[2246] Like, that's a lot of Coke and, like, maybe I'll sell it.

[2247] I don't know.

[2248] How much coke were you talking about?

[2249] It was like a pile of it.

[2250] What did it look like, the pile?

[2251] Like, describe it.

[2252] Like a golf ball?

[2253] Yeah, golf ball.

[2254] Okay.

[2255] Like, a lot of Coke.

[2256] Yeah, it's a lot.

[2257] And I was like, I'll take it.

[2258] And he was like, okay.

[2259] And he hands me a rolled up dollar bill.

[2260] And I was like, oh, he thought, he met now.

[2261] Oh.

[2262] And I was like, 20 and insecure and wanting to be cool.

[2263] So I was like, ah, what's, that's, if any excuse, do it.

[2264] And so I did it.

[2265] And then I went home and fucking.

[2266] clean my apartment.

[2267] Did you?

[2268] Yeah.

[2269] I went home and cleaned and like wrote an essay that I needed to write and I was like, that shit's good.

[2270] Wow.

[2271] But, you know, it's just like doing riddle and Adderall.

[2272] Like, you get shit done but you're, there's a price.

[2273] Yeah.

[2274] It's not good.

[2275] It's a B minus of a paper.

[2276] It's whenever I like have something, you know, I've taken Adderall to get stuff done.

[2277] Yeah.

[2278] It's going to suffer.

[2279] Joey Diaz used to be a big Coke head.

[2280] One of the things he said, he goes, there's no soul in what you said.

[2281] He goes, when you're doing Coke, no soul in it.

[2282] Yeah.

[2283] Because it's all about you.

[2284] Like you said, it's just empty.

[2285] Right.

[2286] It's just weird.

[2287] It's weirdly disconnected, you know?

[2288] Like, you know, the movie, showgirls?

[2289] It's one of my favorite bad movies of all time.

[2290] Yeah, yeah.

[2291] That's a Coke movie.

[2292] Like, you could tell.

[2293] The people made that movie were doing Coke.

[2294] Yes.

[2295] It's a ridiculous movie.

[2296] Like, who the fuck greenlit this thing?

[2297] Who said yes?

[2298] They were doing Coke because that was the 90s.

[2299] And in the 90s, a lot of people did Coke.

[2300] It was a Coke movie.

[2301] Yeah.

[2302] I think.

[2303] I mean, it's just my opinion.

[2304] Maybe I'm wrong.

[2305] What was the last psychedelic trip you had?

[2306] I did mushrooms a couple months ago.

[2307] Yeah, how was that?

[2308] It's fucking awesome.

[2309] Where'd you do them?

[2310] Did them with Ari on the show.

[2311] We did them during a podcast.

[2312] Really?

[2313] Yeah.

[2314] And do you guys start tripping during the podcast?

[2315] Yeah.

[2316] Yeah, we're having fun.

[2317] What does it sound like?

[2318] It was great.

[2319] Podcast was great.

[2320] We didn't take too much, but we took enough.

[2321] And, like, you don't, no one can tell when you're on them.

[2322] Like you can still function normally?

[2323] Yeah.

[2324] I mean, it depends on how far you go.

[2325] You guys were still funny.

[2326] Yeah, you can go down the rabbit hole, though.

[2327] You can go down the rabbit hole and be incoherent.

[2328] Mushrooms are, it's dose dependent.

[2329] I mean, what you're doing is like you're getting, you know, if you take a little bit, you're like shaking hands with the angels, but you're not going to heaven.

[2330] You're not going to visit them.

[2331] You're like, hi, how are you?

[2332] Oh, my God, you're so wonderful.

[2333] But you're not, like, riding on their wings and going to the other dimension.

[2334] But if you take enough, that's where you go.

[2335] If you take enough, you're not talking to anybody.

[2336] And have you done LSD?

[2337] Yes.

[2338] And good?

[2339] Yes.

[2340] Great experience?

[2341] Yeah.

[2342] Have you had a bad experience on it?

[2343] No. But I took it later in life.

[2344] I don't think it's, I think most of these psychedelics where you have bad experiences, what you're having is your own psychological dilemma.

[2345] and then your battle with whatever the drug or the psychedelic is trying to do to you versus what your ego is trying to control and keep it from happening.

[2346] I mean, I've seen a lot of people have bad trips.

[2347] Some of the worst trips I've ever seen people have was from edible pot.

[2348] Oh.

[2349] Edible pot is one of the strongest things that people don't recognize.

[2350] It's a very different drug than smoking it.

[2351] And when, you know, you, when you think of things that can take you down the rabbit hole, you don't think of edible pot.

[2352] People think a pot is just like, oh, you're going to get high.

[2353] Maybe you can get too high, but you're just getting high.

[2354] But when you eat it, it's a completely different animal.

[2355] Yeah.

[2356] Literally, like, physiologically, it's a different animal.

[2357] Really?

[2358] Yeah, it creates something called 11 hydroxymetabolite that's five times more psychoactive than THC.

[2359] What?

[2360] It's not even psychoactive in smoking it.

[2361] It's a different drug.

[2362] It does feel different.

[2363] It's a totally different drug.

[2364] That makes complete sense.

[2365] Yeah, it's a different drug.

[2366] It's processed by your liver.

[2367] There's something called a one pass.

[2368] It passes through your liver and the THC gets processed into 11 hydroxymetabolite.

[2369] Okay.

[2370] You should Google it.

[2371] It's trippy shit.

[2372] It's way stronger.

[2373] Way stronger.

[2374] I got some microdose versions of mushrooms that I have had two of them.

[2375] And they were, it was great.

[2376] It just made things a little bit brighter.

[2377] Makes it nice.

[2378] Have you ever microdosed?

[2379] Yes.

[2380] You know he does that all the time?

[2381] Ron White.

[2382] Oh, really?

[2383] Ron White's a microdosing motherfucker.

[2384] Yeah.

[2385] Because I'm on this new drug.

[2386] It's called mushrooms and I just take a little bit every day.

[2387] Whoa.

[2388] I know a lot of people that do that.

[2389] A lot.

[2390] Like dozens.

[2391] Dozens of people who microdose, including fighters.

[2392] I know a lot of fighters who microdose.

[2393] Yeah, I forgot that I was even on any.

[2394] I was just like, oh, this room looks like cooler.

[2395] Yeah.

[2396] I just feel better.

[2397] Oh, yeah, I ate that little piece.

[2398] Yeah, you just feel a little better.

[2399] And you're like, what is?

[2400] Oh, I took mushrooms.

[2401] Yes.

[2402] I forgot.

[2403] Yeah.

[2404] Did you hear that Ari spiked Bert's drink with Molly?

[2405] What?

[2406] They did a podcast together and Ari dumped Molly into Bert's drink.

[2407] Wait, is that why Bert's wife isn't talking to Ari anymore?

[2408] Exactly.

[2409] Wait, that's what?

[2410] Yeah.

[2411] Wait, wow.

[2412] During a podcast, in his house, in Bert's house.

[2413] And what?

[2414] What?

[2415] With his family home.

[2416] Ari is so crazy.

[2417] I don't trust him.

[2418] for a second.

[2419] I'm so scared of Ari Shafir.

[2420] So crazy.

[2421] He's fucking crazy.

[2422] I've seen him just like ask about my life and be like interested and I'll like open up to him and then he'll like use it against me later on.

[2423] I'm like this guy.

[2424] I don't try.

[2425] Yeah, he'll just like store up things.

[2426] Use it against you.

[2427] Not use it again.

[2428] To be funny.

[2429] I think he's evil.

[2430] I think Gary Shafir is secretly evil.

[2431] Secretly evil.

[2432] Yeah.

[2433] For real?

[2434] Yeah.

[2435] I do.

[2436] I think he's a good.

[2437] I like him.

[2438] but I don't trust him because I because he spiked Burke he gave his friend Molly that's not okay it's not okay but wait that's hilarious though still hilarious it's more funny than it is crazy that's what he's trying to accomplish that's what I do like about Ari do they were both on Molly because Ari took it himself okay the podcast is going on and Ari starts dancing he's like sort of dancing and move in and Bert's like what do you want Molly he goes are you and then Bert's like what And then all of a sudden And then he realizes Like what's what's going on He realizes and the R's like I put some in your drink He's like And he's home With his family Okay I kind of want Ari to spike my drink And I want that to be the excuse To do Molly Arii Arii No Do it Don't do it again Don't do it to me I'm giving you consent To do it to me in a sneaky podcast I think that would be so fun I always Joe that's my thing I need an excuse to be bad Like that's why I like bondage It's like oh no like I can't do this thing I'm forced to do this dirty thing I don't really want to do this But you're making me That's why I did dancing with the stars I'm like you made me wear this swimsuit on TV I can't not be a slut What's the shoulder thing It's just like helpless slut Like I need an excuse to be bad To be what I really want to be Which is high slutty and mean like roast it's an excuse to be mean it's an excuse to be evil I had to do these jokes what am I going to go to a roast and compliment everyone I can't do that so there's always there's always I had to I get it I get it well you just gave already the excuse and believe me he's gonna capitalize on it I really do want to do Molly I feel like why don't you just do it with them oh not with him I mean I guess I'm already asking Someone recently was like The face The face you made You're like Not with him No I actually do I would do it Someone recommended him to be my shaman On a trip And I was like What the fuck I don't trust him to be my shaman You could trust Ari He's gonna Well he's never done ayahuasca Oh well whatever Maybe mushrooms was like Someone was like trust You could trust him for that To lead me up that mountain Okay Yes you could trust Ari Look you could trust Ari Ari was just mad at Bert It's not logical it's not tenable I don't agree with him but he was mad at Bert the whole reason why we do sober was we were trying to get Bert sober and Bert was you know we're worried about his health like Bert's ridiculously overweight and he's also on high blood pressure medication but yet he still drinks every fucking night we're like this is crazy man like you gotta stop doing this and so the original reason for sober October was to try to sober Bert up it started off four years ago there was a weight loss challenge between Tom and Bert and during the whole weight loss challenge Bert kept drinking this is how fucked up he is he's trying to win this big thing and at the end of it he only fell short by a few pounds but he was drinking the whole time he still couldn't help himself yeah so then the next year we were like okay we got to figure out a way to get Bert's over let's do this let's even go sober for the whole month of October and Bert was like what he was hemming and hawn he didn't want to do it I said I'll do it too we'll all do it we'll all do it All be sober.

[2439] So that's what kicked off October number one.

[2440] That was three years ago.

[2441] And we just made a challenge.

[2442] We were going to be sober for the whole month.

[2443] And we're going to have to do 15 hot yoga classes, which is fun.

[2444] It was good.

[2445] And, you know, Bert did it.

[2446] And he had no problems.

[2447] He was sober for the whole month.

[2448] And he actually did get healthier and he looked better.

[2449] But then the next year got too crazy.

[2450] The next year we decided to have a fitness challenge.

[2451] Oh, God.

[2452] That was so insane.

[2453] That went crazy.

[2454] That was hard to watch.

[2455] That was crazy.

[2456] Watching you guys.

[2457] just give up your lives for those points yeah seven hours a day I was doing I mean you talked about that one day that you like your heart rate was at maximum it was at 80 % heart rate max for five hours straight yeah it was more than that because I got a you get one minute for one minute at 80 % heart rate you get one point and I had 1100 minutes for the day dude yeah I mean that's torture I'm so glad you guys pulled back this year It was so crazy I was obsessed Is Bert getting sober Is this working?

[2458] No No No We're gonna lose Burke Kreischer He shouldn't be drinking at all No I mean that high blood pressure shit is no joke That's how people get strokes Yes Like he really shouldn't be drinking at all But he did Cut back on sugar And he said he had lost What do he say he lost Like 20 pounds Something like that Burr Kaiser can do anything Yeah, he can.

[2459] That guy can really do anything.

[2460] He needs to stop drinking.

[2461] Yes, he does.

[2462] But he loves drinking.

[2463] I know.

[2464] He loves going on stage and taking a shirt off.

[2465] I know.

[2466] He loves being the life of the party.

[2467] But I don't want to lose the life of the party because we're enabling this life of the party.

[2468] See, the thing is that party thing that he does, like it's sort of dependent upon alcohol.

[2469] Like, that's part of the image that he's created.

[2470] And we talked about in the podcast the other day that Kinnison had the same problem.

[2471] They would just lay these giant lines of Coke.

[2472] They'd be like, oh, oh, it's him!

[2473] It's him!

[2474] They lay that Coke out, like, to the point where, like, no one can do that kind of Coke.

[2475] Yeah, Bert goes into a town and isn't down to drink, and that's the whole...

[2476] And he invites the audience to go out with him after the show, and they all drink together.

[2477] And he's doing doubles.

[2478] So he's having double Tito's, and he's drinking, like, fucking 20 drinks a night.

[2479] I can't believe how much he's able to accomplish with his drinking habits.

[2480] It's amazing.

[2481] It's...

[2482] Think of what do you be able to do without it.

[2483] I don't know if that's the case, though.

[2484] But half of what he's accomplished is accomplished because of his stand -up, and half of his stand -up is his partying.

[2485] Yeah.

[2486] It's like he's a funny guy.

[2487] He would always be a funny comic.

[2488] Always.

[2489] But whether or not he can accept that without the alcohol, whether or not he can embrace that without the alcohol.

[2490] He's not an alcoholic in the sense that he's not addicted to alcohol because he did quit two years in a row for a whole month without a problem.

[2491] He really did do it.

[2492] Right.

[2493] And, you know, he says, not a big deal.

[2494] He goes, I miss it.

[2495] I like to have a drink, but I'm okay.

[2496] Yeah.

[2497] So he's not, like, he didn't get the shakes and his, he's fucking, his psychologist was telling him not to do it.

[2498] Yeah, psychologist.

[2499] Oh, really?

[2500] It was like, maybe this is probably not the thing for you to quit drinking.

[2501] And he was like, my fucking drink told me to stop, not to stop.

[2502] Yeah, which is crazy.

[2503] But I just, you know, I reasoned, because quitting drinking for me, it felt like so much of my identity to drink and I talked about it on stage.

[2504] I mean, it wasn't anywhere as wrapped up his.

[2505] His bird is in it, but he's had enough fun.

[2506] You've had your whole life of doing this.

[2507] You've been the party animal since.

[2508] No, no, no, no. He's just starting to kill it.

[2509] He's selling out theaters, left and right.

[2510] He's doing great right now.

[2511] Netflix specials elevated him.

[2512] All of his Instagram stuff.

[2513] Every time we do the sober October things, he sells way more tickets.

[2514] I know.

[2515] I love him so much.

[2516] But he could be funny no matter what.

[2517] Yes.

[2518] He's a comic.

[2519] Everybody who's funny is funny no matter what.

[2520] They're so scared.

[2521] Yeah, you think.

[2522] If I get on Zoloft, If I go talk to someone about my issues, if I conquer my, if I talk about the anger I have towards my father, what am I going to be funny on the other side of it?

[2523] Yes, you're funny.

[2524] Yeah, you're a comic.

[2525] It's a profession.

[2526] It's going to make, yeah.

[2527] It's one of the rare professions where you think you're dependent upon certain substances.

[2528] Yeah.

[2529] But we do know people that got sober and then got boring.

[2530] That's true too.

[2531] You didn't.

[2532] Yeah.

[2533] You pulled it off.

[2534] But there are people that got sober and then they started to suck.

[2535] Really?

[2536] Yeah.

[2537] Yeah, it's quite a few.

[2538] But then there's also people who got sober and got even better, like David Tell.

[2539] Yes.

[2540] When David Tell sobered up, his fucking joke writing just kicked into another level.

[2541] Yeah, because he got addicted to writing.

[2542] Like, he just funneled it all.

[2543] And he also had all the energy.

[2544] More bandwidth.

[2545] Yeah, more energy, more bandwidth.

[2546] Yep.

[2547] Nikki Glazer, we got to wrap this up.

[2548] It's the clock already.

[2549] That crazy?

[2550] This has been so fun.

[2551] We just banged out three hours of talking.

[2552] Crazy.

[2553] It flies by.

[2554] Tell everybody your special banging.

[2555] It's on Netflix.

[2556] How do they get to hold you on the Instagram and on the Twitter?

[2557] Nikki Glazer on Instagram.

[2558] I have a radio show on Sirius XM every morning, Monday through Thursday, 10 to 12 Eastern on Comedy Central Radio.

[2559] So if you have Sirius or a rental car, check that out.

[2560] And I have a podcast of the radio show that comes out every Friday.

[2561] You up podcast.

[2562] And I'm going on tour.

[2563] Bang It Out Tour starting January through the spring.

[2564] Tickets on pre -sale now use code bangin for special pricing.

[2565] and, like, my first theater tour.

[2566] All right.

[2567] Good luck with that.

[2568] Thank you, Nikki.

[2569] Thanks, Joe.

[2570] Always a good time.

[2571] Always.

[2572] Bye, everybody.