#123 - Tom Segura

[0] Shazam, bitches, welcome back.

[1] What's up, brother?

[2] What's up, man?

[3] It's good to have you, buddy.

[4] Thanks for having me, man. We're going to be doing the Ice House in Pasadena this weekend.

[5] That's a fun place, man. That's one of those old school places.

[6] I think they've been open for 30 years now or something crazy.

[7] Yeah, they've been open over.

[8] I think, don't they claim to be the oldest comedy club in the nation?

[9] I think they might be.

[10] It's them, and then the Comedy and Magic Club is right up in there, too.

[11] Yeah.

[12] And then the store, I think.

[13] but if you go there it's one of those places that has like it's like a fucking comedy museum as well as a stand -up comedy club really cool that's the coolest part yeah because you're walking around and you see headshots from like the 70s man headshots from the 80s yeah yeah yeah i saw a david letterman in contract last time i was there yeah and his social security number is on it but it's covered like by the frame and i'm like damn if you really wanted david letterman's social security number you'd just steal this picture and break that frame and You just gave somebody.

[14] Wow.

[15] Why did you get somebody to act in?

[16] Hey, I'm giving out a...

[17] I'm going to bring that up to us before the podcast.

[18] Then we say, yeah, maybe we shouldn't talk about that on the air.

[19] And you go, yeah, I guess you're right.

[20] Whoops.

[21] Now you've got to talk to the eyes house.

[22] I'll be there tomorrow night.

[23] Tickets on sale, free coupon code on my Twitter.

[24] They have other contacts, too.

[25] They didn't alter it at all?

[26] They didn't...

[27] I don't know.

[28] They might have, but I was looking at it and I was like, holy shit, why is that just sitting there right?

[29] Like, that seems like they would know that by now, you know?

[30] It has to be altered.

[31] Yeah, it must be altered.

[32] I would assume.

[33] Hopefully.

[34] Jesus Christ.

[35] Unless I'm just a crook looking at a fucking headshots.

[36] And I'm like, wow.

[37] They busted a bunch of those anonymous cats, huh?

[38] Yeah, shit.

[39] A lot of them.

[40] Yeah.

[41] Some in California, too.

[42] And what do they charge them with?

[43] I don't know.

[44] That's like cyberterrorism or something like that.

[45] Is that what that is?

[46] Yeah, that's hardcore federal shit.

[47] What did they do exactly?

[48] I know they went after companies they thought were bad.

[49] They hacked PayPal, I think they did.

[50] Or they fucked with PayPal somehow.

[51] I can't remember.

[52] And they, like, started taking people's PayPal's and, like, buying.

[53] things on Amazon like they but it was all fun stuff like they would buy like diapers to right person or something like that and uh things like that but it was hacking PayPal which I guess could be considered like a bank or something like that so that would be a federal crime I would imagine yeah they're fucked huh yeah you're getting real trouble for that shit now I guess cyber cyber crime is legit now it's like terrorism yeah do you remember they used to not have laws for this stuff like because it didn't like when when people would do things like this for the first time and people would they would get like we don't really have have a law yet for breaking into this type of account because they didn't know the shit existed.

[54] So they had to pass all these laws.

[55] We still have to pass laws for new crimes.

[56] You know what I mean?

[57] Technology allows for new crimes to take place.

[58] Yeah, yeah.

[59] Crimes that didn't exist before.

[60] They weren't impossible before.

[61] You remember when they first started using those things over the phone, where they would have tones that you could call and use over the phone and it would like hack the phones?

[62] Yeah.

[63] What the fuck was that?

[64] Yeah, how did that work?

[65] I can't even remember.

[66] I don't, I never, something you could do to a phone by sending a tone through it.

[67] And that certain tone would interact with the machine on the other side.

[68] And I don't know what the fuck that it allowed you to do.

[69] But just the fact that somebody figured that out, man. Yeah, people are so creepy.

[70] They'll try to exploit every little, you know, in any little system.

[71] There's got to be some way to make money off this.

[72] That's why security, security never becomes foolproof because, yeah.

[73] When you develop a new security system, it becomes someone's mission to break that.

[74] So then you just make it as good as it can be, and then you have to evolve of that.

[75] You kind of need those guys, though, because if you don't have those guys, you don't have any realistic sense of how secure your data is.

[76] Oh, yeah.

[77] You know, you need some fucking psychos going after your shit.

[78] You know, if psychos go after your website, then you know.

[79] Then you know.

[80] Because you can't just have your employees.

[81] Well, we're going to test it from the outside and see if we can whack in.

[82] Nah, you don't have enough motivation, stupid.

[83] Yeah.

[84] You need to be hating the government.

[85] Did you tweet that article about the guy who is going to prison now for, like, life or something, for hacking his neighbors?

[86] Yeah, he's going for 18 years.

[87] Well, this, he was terrorizing the family.

[88] That was a crazy person.

[89] Horrible story.

[90] You hear shit about that?

[91] Scary, scary story.

[92] You realize that somebody can just do that?

[93] That's terrifying.

[94] I think as a business, the only way to protect yourself from, like, these, like, hacks, like, anonymous and stuff like that is just to have a shitload of cats on your website.

[95] You know, so if it's like, well, it's like, well, it's like, you know, it's like, you know, it's like, Fargo Bank just put cats all over the place because I think that's how crazy this shit is like this anonymous and stuff is it seems like they're only attacking people unless you're you don't get the internet you know it's almost like hey if you like cats and if you like piracy and torrents and and shit like that then you're on our side but if you're it's it's almost like it's like a gang like an internet gang you know what are you saying I don't know I'm not understand what you're saying like it's connections to like 4chan as a as an example and things like that even if it's not they're not on in 4chan or whatever like it's 4chan supports them yeah and then and then Lewis Sack or LLSack like supports anonymous it's almost like you just almost have to be in some kind of gang and just have a lot of cats on your website I think to protect you what is the cats on the website just because that's like saying hey I I'm on the internet too I like cats and hamburgers and what the fuck are you talking about You really need to go to a doctor.

[96] If you think anything in that sentence, you need to go to a doctor.

[97] I did not follow it.

[98] All right.

[99] You want me to explain it?

[100] No, no, no, no. Definitely not.

[101] Definitely not.

[102] That, no. Let's move on from that.

[103] What the fuck are you talking about?

[104] Fucking cats.

[105] The thing, the best thing.

[106] I know what you're saying, though, that it seems like they're in kind of a gang.

[107] And it does seem like...

[108] Sorry, I honestly didn't follow.

[109] I'm sorry.

[110] All right.

[111] You know the internet.

[112] What's popular on the internet?

[113] Cats and birds and shit like that like that.

[114] Are cats really that popular on the internet?

[115] Fuck, yeah.

[116] It's like what?

[117] It's porn, cats, business.

[118] Is this what happened to Egypt when Egypt went down?

[119] Saw a cat worship?

[120] Are they going to look at us the same way?

[121] You know, maybe this is what cat worship is.

[122] If you looked around people's fucking houses of those, your cat, your thing that you have with the cat with the dynamite on it.

[123] That lucky cat.

[124] Think about how many porcelain cats are all throughout people's homes.

[125] Tons.

[126] There's a lot of them.

[127] There's a lot.

[128] If you like, if archaeologists came here from the future, they might say, well, there were this weird cat worshipping group of fucking non -environmentally conscious freaks.

[129] Yeah, cats were running shit.

[130] And then they would find out about the toxoplasma shit and they would make some half -ass hypothesis that the reason why we were so fascinated with cats is we all had toxo.

[131] Sure.

[132] And that's what made us all go crazy.

[133] Do you think that we wrong, like inaccurately get an idea of like past civilizations?

[134] I think you have to.

[135] You have to be, right?

[136] Like where you're like, here's what they used to do.

[137] well what fucks my mind man 40 ,000 years ago what fucks my mind is shit like sumer because there's only a fucking handful of people who can read that shit that's cuneiform i think it's called and it's these weird lines and man it takes forever to translate that shit and there's a lot of discrepancies it's that's why that whole Zechariah sitchin movement if you're not aware of that this is you know the Zechariah sitchin shit right that's that he believes that in his study of the Sumerian text, and this guy was like a legit scholar on ancient languages, and he believed that through his study of the ancient Sumerian text, he believed that it was a detailed account of how the human beings were created by an advanced intellect called the Anunaki, and that they mixed their DNA with us.

[138] And he says this is all in this ancient text, and it's very disputed.

[139] There's a lot of people that don't agree with them, a lot of, like, mainstream, you know, scholars from that era, they don't agree with him.

[140] But this guy stuck to his fucking guns.

[141] And he believed that the entire human race was created by these, you know, these things called the Anunnaki.

[142] And this is all written down.

[143] What really fucks my mind is whether or not that's what they wrote down or what, who knows what crazy person wrote whatever you're reading.

[144] Yeah.

[145] You know, what you're reading doesn't necessarily represent the whole world.

[146] What if you stumbled onto a pile of ancient Stephen King books?

[147] You know, I mean, who the fuck knows?

[148] Who the fuck knows what exactly you're reading?

[149] But it fucks my mind that you can go that far back with people.

[150] It's like you can really trace progress, but things get lost somewhere along the way.

[151] And there's a few places where it's like, they'll just stumble on some shit and go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[152] Where'd this come from?

[153] Troy?

[154] You mean Troy is real?

[155] This is a real city?

[156] What the fuck?

[157] Now recently Atlantis?

[158] they found Atlantis in Spain.

[159] They're almost positive.

[160] It has the concentric rings.

[161] It looks just like it.

[162] It's in the right area.

[163] Really?

[164] Yeah.

[165] There's also some interesting evidence that there was models of Atlantis that resembled this, this place, and they had been passed down in the images so closely matched and had all these symbols in it that represented like symbols of Atlantis.

[166] And it's just way too close.

[167] Like a lot of scholars are getting on board with this.

[168] They think they found it.

[169] So it's like so much shit is, they're always finding ancient shit.

[170] It's like the civilization has gone so fucking far, but we can't really follow it in a straight line.

[171] No. Well, especially like before a certain time.

[172] Yeah, when you get like 2000 BC, oh man, son, how long ago is that?

[173] You know, you know when those things get like really old ones?

[174] they get like, they're like, this is a civilization that's 40 ,000 years old, and they, they'll, you know, they'll read something on the wall.

[175] They never, like, take into account the possibility that it's art. It's always like, they're like, this is a document, this is like documentation.

[176] Right.

[177] Showing that they loved whales and that they would fuck here and talk to the sun here and then eat the whale.

[178] And, like, this is what they did in their day?

[179] And you go, what if it was just somebody painting or drawing?

[180] Like, they never, that's never really a possibility.

[181] Well, when human beings first figured out how to communicate, for sure, right away they started lying.

[182] Right away.

[183] Right.

[184] I mean, as soon as they realized they could lie and get away with things and then you don't get in trouble for stuff, people just started lying.

[185] For sure.

[186] It's just, it has to be old as fuck.

[187] It seems like just an inherent, like, escape door in consciousness, the ability to communicate, but then give deceptive communication and fuck with other people.

[188] So from right away, people were probably untrustworthy.

[189] And especially in their depictions of the past, especially when they talk about things that happen.

[190] I mean, Jesus Christ, everybody knows that the winners write the history books.

[191] And, you know, back then the history books were written on animal skins.

[192] You know, I mean, who the fuck knows what really happened?

[193] You know, it's like, it's very shady at best.

[194] And you never portray yourself really in a negative level or shameful acts.

[195] Yeah, no one's a bad guy.

[196] Yeah, but it's you.

[197] I mean, of course there's different cultures and they have different depictions of the same story and you can kind of extrapolate from all those who's probably got it right but it's a lot of gray area man you're talking about thousands and thousands of years ago and then they constantly have to move the date they found that place in Turkey recently over the last decade or so I believe it's called Gobeckley Tepe and it predates anything by like 5 ,000 years it's like 12, 13 ,000 years old and they're like fuck we didn't even think people were making shit back then.

[198] They thought that back then people were just strictly hunter gatherers.

[199] So there's all sorts of like, and they don't know that of anything about that culture.

[200] They're like, what is this?

[201] You know, why do they have lizards on these rocks that they've carved out?

[202] They have these giant columns with lizards on me. This one's got a sheep on it.

[203] What the fuck were they doing?

[204] Yeah.

[205] You know, is this like just all the stuff they eat?

[206] You know, what is this?

[207] The lines of NASCA, have you ever seen those?

[208] Man, these are amazing.

[209] That's a trip.

[210] And they're so enormous.

[211] But the whole thing, I mean, I know this is obviously what everyone says about it, but it really blows your mind when you think about it.

[212] The only way you could see what you're doing is if you're in the air.

[213] There's no other way to see how well you did this.

[214] And these things are so old that, like, how could you check it out?

[215] I mean, the lines are as wide as roads.

[216] Yeah.

[217] Roads.

[218] Yeah.

[219] With turns perfect, perfect lines.

[220] The only way, like, you see crop, like, to do it on.

[221] farms right like they'll do like fun things but the only way they're seeing what they're doing is somebody's in a plane and radioing like now here and drive six yards well the turn right the guys to make the the crop circles don't have to do that the guys who make the crop circles what they figure out how to do is they just mark some numbers down they figure out like distances like this is god they call themselves a circle makers and they've shown that you can make certain you know certain pretty intricate crop circles but what's amazing about this is we know that there's air flight now we know that people are going to see these crop circles I mean if people made these things for fun or for hijinks if that's why they're making these crop circles these beautiful designs just to make people go whoa what the fuck we know the people are going to see them from a plane so the idea that these can only be seen from the sky it's like who are you making them for right and the fact that they're thousands and thousands of years old it's the point where they don't really know exactly is that do we not even know they They don't really know.

[222] No. They don't know why.

[223] They don't know who.

[224] They don't know what it symbolizes.

[225] They don't know if the fucking mountain was flattened out, by the way.

[226] There's an area where the NASCAR lines is that it looks like it was excavated.

[227] It looks like it was excavated.

[228] It looks like it was flattened out.

[229] It looks like it was sculpted.

[230] It looks like it was worked on by machines.

[231] I don't know if it was, but I wouldn't be fucking completely surprised that there wasn't some very sophisticated level of humanity at one point in time that died off and dropped back you know i don't know if they were ever as far as we were but who knows man when you see shit like that there might have been some people flying fucking planes three or four thousand years ago that might have been real that could be it might be it's it's fucking why well why else would they draw those things man why would they do that they're incredible they're giant massive and that yeah it's what's the purpose are from the sky you're supposed to look at it from the sky you you know you're doing it just for the satisfaction of knowing that someone can look at it from the sky really and this is going to be like a common practice in a place where it looks like there's runways and it's also it's not only you have to see the sky it's out of the way in the sky yeah like that shit is way out of the way maybe back then though you didn't really understand life so you're like I know there's something up there that it storms on us we've heard thunder I am going to make a sign to appease to the god you know so you might be not like a plane but it's more like a ritual like an offer that's definitely a real possibility absolutely sure that's possible like the thing that's more that you have to consider more is the straight lines they look like runways they're all over the place up there huge it looks like god damn logan airport that's what it looks like it looks like an airport like there's all these runways what's those big statues that had like were big rectangles that had their mouths open and they had like uh you know what i'm talking about and they used in the gradiest video game they're uh they're on island oh you the east islands yeah yeah yeah oh that's a trip too yeah that's uh mean that shit's awesome they really they they they struggle to figure out how they moved those stones thousands and thousands years ago how they cut them so well much of peaches like that too yeah like those stones are no shit like the size of like the wall behind you yeah and they lay in to another stone like this like you can't slide a piece of paper between them and you go you look at these like boulders basically they're smooth they're like they're shaped they're massive so you go like this would take hundreds of people and then how would you get it to fit into the next rock where it looks like they're made for each other yeah it's it's amazing unbelievable it's pretty deep shit yeah and you see how a laugh i've been there i've been there three times to that place to much of people really really yeah is it a cool trip like is it would you recommend going as a like a vacation do it blow your mind every time yeah every time what does it like what does it feel like when you're up there isn't it first of all isn't like 10 000 feet above sea level something crazy i don't think it's that high up it's that i mean it's in the andes you you fly to to kusko in the south of uh peru and then you take a train from kusko to by the way if uh i was a single girl and you were telling me all this i'd be so attracted to you right now i'd be like he's a man of the world he's been to match you peach he's so amazing i think i can get him to go vegan i'd be like i jerked off to fart porn the 7900 feet above sea level that's pretty high up man yeah and um they have no idea how old that shit is either right they have estimations for that i mean it was definitely discovered by uh they they they i think they said that they were there in the 1560s they think it was built i think it was 1560s you know that's one of those disputed ones with um that graham hancock guy and i know a lot of people like this is pseudos science yeah he's the guy that predates all these um like structures like he's got a thing on the great spinks with this other guy, Dr. Robert Schock out of University of Massachusetts or Boston University, rather.

[232] And they think that the Sphinx is like thousands and thousands of years older than everybody thinks it is.

[233] Yeah.

[234] Then conventional Egyptologist claiming it is.

[235] Well, he's also got a thing about Machu Picchu that they think at one time Machu Picchu was actually on the shores of some water.

[236] Really?

[237] Yeah, that it was on the shores of a river or the shores of a lake or an ocean or something like that.

[238] It is stunning.

[239] Fuck.

[240] The thing is, like, It really puts in, like, this is true about everything, that the magnitude and, like, the greatness of something, you can't measure it.

[241] It doesn't matter how many videos or photos you see.

[242] I mean, it's like whether, you know, it's like seeing a band live or seeing a person who's, like, just has some.

[243] See him, Tom's Gagrin, the Ice House just weekend, Friday, Saturday night.

[244] Friday and Saturday.

[245] Two shows, sold out bold nights, bitches.

[246] Did you tag the statues?

[247] What's that?

[248] Did you tag the statues?

[249] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[250] I dare you even suggest it.

[251] Did anybody ever dare?

[252] I think is they're cool about it.

[253] I'm sure.

[254] Have you seen graffiti?

[255] Have you seen graffiti?

[256] That's cool.

[257] Yeah, dude, that's like a sacred place.

[258] That would be awful.

[259] So what is, so tell us the story.

[260] So I'm sorry, you got, I'm making fun of you being so attractive with your knowledge.

[261] You get in a bus or a train and you get somewhere.

[262] So how does it go?

[263] Yeah, well, you fly into Kusko, which is way up in the mountains.

[264] And this is all in Peru.

[265] In Peru, yeah.

[266] So when you arrive in Kusko, you're up high, already.

[267] Kusko is pretty high up in the mountains and you get like powerful headaches.

[268] You know headaches you get in like high altitude places.

[269] But I'm pretty sure it's higher than like you know, Tahoe or any place like that where you're like, oh man like a head hurts because you have serious oxygen deprivation.

[270] And in Peru they chew cocoa leaves and they drink coca tea, the leaves that are used to make cocaine.

[271] I had that shit.

[272] Maté de Coco?

[273] I did not like it.

[274] I've never done cocaine.

[275] I've always been terrified of it.

[276] Yeah.

[277] But I knew that people, when they did Coke, they couldn't shut the fuck up.

[278] Yeah.

[279] So I drank this tea, and I couldn't shut the fuck up.

[280] Really?

[281] And I was saying that, it was with Doug Stanhope.

[282] And I was telling him, like, dude, I can't shut the fuck up.

[283] I go, I literally can't shut the fuck up.

[284] Do you imagine him on cocaine?

[285] That seems insane, dude.

[286] Yeah, I would love to have a video of you on cocaine.

[287] That is not for me. He would be fired up.

[288] I don't think I want to know that that's even possible.

[289] Yeah.

[290] I don't want to be any more intense than I am.

[291] I'm good I don't need that shit That's a horror movie right there Joe Rogan on cocaine This summer He turns in And doing your Doing your act Doing stand -up On cocaine Oh just all angry And fucking like a punk rock And somebody yells you And you just Shut the fuck up Throw the mic down You like Ron our test You just jump out In the stands And start beating somebody Are you accusing Ron our test You're doing cocaine?

[292] Maybe Wow You know what's strong words You know what Joe Rogan on cocaine Would look like What's up Ron What's up Ron?

[293] What up Ron?

[294] Step Timmy Get at me Put me on your show Joe Rogan on Cocaine would look like that Rise of the Planet Apes trailer that you haven't seen yet.

[295] I have seen that.

[296] I have seen that.

[297] Isn't that fucking insane?

[298] When you said a monkey movie, I thought you meant a documentary.

[299] No. Rise of the Planet of the Apes looks like the shit.

[300] Amazing.

[301] August 5th, which is...

[302] When that one jumps out of like a helicopter.

[303] I'm a little child, bro.

[304] I'll take Planet of the Apes.

[305] You can redo that shit for me every two years.

[306] I'm a dummy.

[307] You can have a new script where I know what's going to happen every couple of years and you got me. Yeah.

[308] I'm just going to tell you right now.

[309] Now, I commit myself to all you people making Planet of the Apes movies.

[310] I commit myself.

[311] Come out with a new one every two years and you got me. I promise you.

[312] I will buy the Blu -ray.

[313] I will support you.

[314] I'll talk about how good it is on Twitter.

[315] Please, keep coming with the crazy monkey movies.

[316] Crazy monkey movies are good.

[317] The shit, dude.

[318] This one, so it looks like the researchers are fucking with apes, right?

[319] And they break out and...

[320] Well, this is sort of what's supposed to be the prequel to Planet of the Apes.

[321] This is what caused the problems.

[322] Oh.

[323] You know, the idea of Planet the Apes is a guy goes to the future, right?

[324] And he lands in the future, and the world's run by monkeys.

[325] What do you think about the CGI?

[326] It doesn't...

[327] It's fucking incredible.

[328] Yeah, now it does have that little fake look, and I'm sure...

[329] A little bit.

[330] It's still got a little bit of that I .M. legend shit going on when you look in their faces.

[331] Yeah.

[332] They don't quite have it, man. It's interesting that they can't do living things quite right.

[333] Wow.

[334] I wonder if there's going to be any heartwarming moments.

[335] It seems like there's going to be some heartwarming moments.

[336] Yeah, let me tell you something.

[337] If you saw a chimp that look that you like this chimp, you would start.

[338] screaming.

[339] The fact that they were all cool with that, Dex is weird.

[340] If you saw that chimp, that chimp would be a huge internet hit.

[341] Oh, I didn't know Dexter Morgan was in this.

[342] Wow.

[343] Wow.

[344] I haven't seen this one.

[345] This is a badass preview.

[346] Jonathan Lithgow and a touching moment.

[347] This is the full one.

[348] This is the full one.

[349] This shows you where they fucked up.

[350] They raised the chimp.

[351] There was their little buddy.

[352] Then they locked him up in a jail.

[353] Oh, my God.

[354] So it's got a good fucking comeback sense to it.

[355] The chimps, you root for the chimps.

[356] You realize what cunt's human beings are, and you root for the chimps.

[357] Is that the log line for the movie?

[358] Yes, that's the way I'm promoting it.

[359] I'm promoting it on sort of a separate underground label, sort of division of the movie.

[360] This is what we do now.

[361] We sort of do shit behind the scenes.

[362] Wow.

[363] That's how you promote it.

[364] That's exciting.

[365] Fuck these cunt people.

[366] That's how, that's our promotion.

[367] This is one of those amazing trailers I've ever seen, too.

[368] He is intense.

[369] The last thing you ever want is a chimp coming at you, man. That is the last thing.

[370] thing you ever want you're almost better off with a lion because a lion's just going to kill you quick chimps are going to do some shit to you before you die bite your fingers off they're going to they're not trying to kill you they're trying to hurt you they understand what makes you a person and they don't have morals they understand what's important to you they understand your genitals mean a lot to you so they bite those off yeah they understand that your fingers are important for you to use and to make things so they bite all those off next and they do all this without you being able to do a goddamn thing to stop it.

[371] Nothing.

[372] Because they're so fucking strong.

[373] And once they bite one finger off, dude, you're going to be freaking out.

[374] You're going to be in shock.

[375] You're not going to be able to handle it.

[376] For him, it's another day in the park.

[377] He's been biting fingers off since he was two.

[378] Yeah.

[379] You know, someone steps to him wrong.

[380] He bites a couple of fingers off.

[381] That's just what they do.

[382] And strong as fuck.

[383] You can't even wrap your hand around how strong a chimp is, dude.

[384] We had a two -year -old chip on the set of news radio.

[385] A two -year -old, a little baby -ass chimp.

[386] This thing was on my back, and it swatted me in the back a couple of times.

[387] And I swear to God, I got nervous.

[388] It made me nervous because I was thinking, like, what if a cat wanted to kill me?

[389] You know, if a cat wanted to kill me, that's terrifying, right?

[390] Cats are, you know, I mean, even though they're little, like that fucking crazy thing coming at you, trying to kill you, that would be terrifying, you know?

[391] And you're way, way bigger than a cat.

[392] And I was thinking, how much bigger is this chimp than a cat?

[393] And if this chimp decided to just fuck me up, I'm not really sure I could defend myself.

[394] He's a two -year -old chimp, and I'm not really sure that I would get off.

[395] And then I thought about it.

[396] And I think, my God, what must it be like when they're like 150 pounds?

[397] It must be unbelievable.

[398] The amount of force they can generate with their bodies must be just shocking.

[399] They can rip car doors off their hinges.

[400] Yeah.

[401] You can lock a car door.

[402] And they can just open it.

[403] They can open that thing.

[404] Fuck that, right?

[405] Dude.

[406] That lady, they tore with their hands, they tore her jaw out of her face.

[407] Their lower jaw came out, you know?

[408] Oh, my God.

[409] God damn.

[410] That's, yeah.

[411] they're scary scary fucking creatures it's so funny that we always want to like look at them like they're real cute too like b j mackay and this is my best friend bear smoking the bandit was the best growing up smoking the bandit have a monkey wait what was the one of the monkey what was the one clean eastwood had an orangutan every which way but loose yes that's the one this motherfucker has no idea what he's talking about yeah some of the best moments of my childhood it was that guy with the monkey which one what was like clean eastwood oh yeah bert rindman It was like five, but they all came out at the same time.

[412] There was like that car chase movie.

[413] Then there was...

[414] How many people had monkeys?

[415] No, I think every movie in that time period had a monkey, it seemed like.

[416] It was a strong move by Clint Eastwood to go from spaghetti westerns to the badass bare -knuckle fistfighter with a monkey as a pet.

[417] The monkey, yeah.

[418] With the orangutan.

[419] Those movies were great, man. Every which way but loose, they were great fucking movies, man. And what's even more fascinating about those movies is that's when he was still married to that woman.

[420] Sandra Locke, the woman who would go on to sue him and he had to get her some sort of a deal to get her some sort of a deal with a production company as a part of their divorce and he did and then she accused him of sabotaging her projects and her projects being going to go like it was obvious that this guy fucked up like poor Clint Eastwood married this crazy broad and was with her for years and you know she's an actress and when they broke up man and she just fucking went after him and you know you got to see the nastiness that can you know happen and those sort of like really public divorces between two fucking movie stars at the time I mean she never really worked again after that not much I mean not of that level but she was in a lot of Clint Eastwood's movies and the amount of money that yeah exchange his hands on a divorce like that oh man oh so you got to see like him with her back in the day that's when he was still with her you know and it was like wow how weird is this this dude like carried this chick around in a bunch of movies.

[421] How many movies did Clinties would do with Sandra Locke?

[422] How many?

[423] It was a Western, right?

[424] Wasn't there one Western?

[425] And then there was every which way but loose, right?

[426] Or one of those?

[427] Any which way you can?

[428] Which one was it?

[429] Was it both of them?

[430] Was it all of them?

[431] I don't know.

[432] I don't know.

[433] It's fascinating.

[434] It is fascinating.

[435] You forget to, like, you know, we always, like, they always talk about who makes, like, crazy money in movies.

[436] And so if they're like, you know, so and so, like, got a hundred million dollar divorce.

[437] And they're like, who is it?

[438] And, like, Tom Cruise, you're like, yeah, well, that dude's, like, super, like, he's a money -making machine.

[439] But then, like, Morgan Freeman, who you're like, yeah, Morgan Freeman, he's a great, I mean, he's a great actor, he's been in a lot of movies, he got divorced.

[440] I think he gave, I want to say, like, over 70 million.

[441] So you're like, holy shit, how much fucking money does Morgan Freeman have?

[442] Well, you know, Morgan's Freeman's deal, right?

[443] No. Morgan Freeman is apparently banging his non -fort, what, it's his grand.

[444] grandmother, granddaughter from his ex -wife's side, who he's not related to by blood.

[445] Uh -uh.

[446] Yeah, yeah.

[447] Good for him.

[448] Something super creepy like that.

[449] That's crazy.

[450] And he started taking her to events and introducing her as his granddaughter.

[451] Oh, that's creepy.

[452] And then somewhere along the line, it came out that he was banging her.

[453] Whoa.

[454] Yeah.

[455] And everybody's like, what the fuck?

[456] You're so good an actor, Morgan Freeman?

[457] I don't care.

[458] I know.

[459] Maybe he was stone, and he thinks it's really funny.

[460] He's still stone right now, you mean?

[461] Listen, here's what the deal is.

[462] He's like, what, 70 years old?

[463] Yeah, I think so.

[464] At least.

[465] 25 year old pussy is so powerful It will get you to abandon your morals Your idea you're like Well yeah You will rationalize the shit out of us Yeah I've known her since she was a baby But we're not like related by blood Yeah that's crazy Maybe they never even met That's what pussy does It was so good because he's an old old man Yeah You know and she's young and tight And she's trying to rock him Because she likes the spotlight And she likes the fact that she's You know throwing some pussy at Morgan Freeman Or it's the best payback ever to your ex -wife Or he's the one who goes after it could be a creep too you got to look at it that way sure you could have been hawking her you know his whole life and waiting for you know her to turn 18 and then start putting it to her how about the dude who's who just married the 16 year old yeah yeah the guy from lost yeah the guy from lost he's 51 she's 16 well where are her fucking parents man they were cool with it that's the crazy part your parents have to if if you're 16 in Vegas and you want to get married you have to get like permission yeah you know and I think it was probably set up for team pregnancies and shit like that somebody trying to do the right thing yeah fucking hey man her parents are just like we look we love lost what it's a great show look a guy like that is he done the guy's done right yeah you can't go around marrying 16 year olds people are not gonna want to hang out with you man this this ain't in the 1950s and you're not jerry lewis no you know what I mean you can't marry that girl that's crazy that's gotta keep him from jobs too like there's a few directors or producers out there who would consider that dude for job and then hear that and go nah man what's the other guy's name let's get him on the phone yeah listen he's not that good right they're gonna say that it's not worth it's not his show unless it was some sort of a reality show based on the two of them that that's that could work yeah that could work a reality show based on a 16 year old but it'd really be unfair to the 16 year old because you know when you were 16 years old would you really want some document out there of who you were and how you behaved when you were 16 and the whole world can look at it whenever they want especially when you fucked up and you married some 51 year old dude you know well why should everybody be able to look into your shit you're not really old enough to understand what the fuck that means yet you're not really old enough to understand the ramifications of the whole world being able to look in on that you know so that you couldn't have a reality show with her I think about how little I think about how little you knew when you were 16 oh my god I was such a fucking douchebag yeah man can imagine if you had to meet yourself today and hang out with yourself 16 year old I'd be like seriously just sit down shut the fuck up just shut the fuck up dude I tell you I found I found it I found I just give myself a hug I found a video of myself you probably need a hug so a slow kiss I found a video of myself or I took a camera a camcorder to a party when I was 18 oh my God right and it was like I'm a senior in high school and I walk through and I just talk to people and I put the camera on myself and I'm just doing this for like 30 minutes at this party I watched the video I took it out and then I broke the tape and I burned it really whoa yeah and it wasn't anything like incriminating it was just I was so it was like a really rapid like instinctive response to how much I load seeing myself as an 18 I was like that's fucking embarrassing I don't want anybody to see that and I tore like I was like not nostalgic or like that'd be cool to show to my kid I'd be like I hope my kids never could find this Like, wow.

[466] Because I was fucking like, hey, what's up, buddy?

[467] What's up?

[468] And like, turning the camera to myself.

[469] And it was fucking horrifying, that's funny.

[470] You think about, like, the shit you did when you were, like, like, the shit you yelled out to people.

[471] And I was like, that's fucking embarrassing.

[472] You know, the thing is, though, you're going to think it's, you think it's embarrassing now.

[473] But you're going to wish once you have kids, you have that.

[474] I know.

[475] You fucked up.

[476] I know.

[477] I actually put all my shit online.

[478] And I've had it.

[479] on you know from when I was 15 I have a movie called carrots that I did to like you know 18 I had this movie where me my friend just smoked weed and got drunk and we're hanging out in this one bedroom apartment like I have all this stuff and I just you know what I'm just putting it out there I know it's embarrassing it makes me look like shit or bad but that's only myself telling me that you know it's like it doesn't make you look bad once once you have children of your own and you start thinking about the process of going from being a baby to actually being a human and all the shit you have to learn along the way then it's going to be fast fascinating to you sure then you're gonna wish you had it because yeah before I had babies I probably would have looked at it differently like I don't want any evidence that I was a retard you know like there's some video of me from rascals comedy hour in New Jersey I was like 24 25 a beautiful delicious head of hair and and I'm fucking real skinny I didn't even lift weights back then and I'm doing stand -up and it's like oh God it's so dorky yeah my shirt's dorky I look dorky I sound I sound hacky But it's cool I like that it's out there Yeah I bet if I saw that video right now I would be laughing my fucking Yeah I bet it would be cute I could show you I could show you old stand -up You know I mean old like it's seven Eight years old where you don't you don't recognize the way I look Oh really?

[480] Like long hair like flowing locks Like just like really thin and happy It's weird how people's voice has changed over the years you know I hear my voice when I was younger and things and I'm like wow my voice is so high pitched yeah yeah still like a boy you know it's weird you know I'm really selling what I'm saying to I'm like you you know like I'm really like you know there's a tone to your voice that happens like after you become 30 where you become like a man you know this when you're younger you don't even realize it but you have this weird high pitch to your to your voice yeah yeah I always thought it was cigarettes that But for you, for you, yeah, you never really became a man. It's just cigarettes make it sound like once.

[481] When I'm 50, I'm going to say.

[482] When you're at 50, it's going to be full circle.

[483] You're going to be on something to treat the cancer that you have from cigarette smoke, and it's going to make you develop even more estrogen.

[484] That's what's going to fight the cancer.

[485] And then you're going to sound like Large Marge from Peewee's Big Adventure.

[486] Tell them, Marge, said you.

[487] Yeah, that's going to be you.

[488] You're going to sound like an old lady.

[489] Did you guys see the Peewee Herman live show?

[490] They have it on HBO or something No, they haven't on HBO or Showtime What do you mean?

[491] They filmed his live show Live show, what does he do?

[492] He brought back his show Oh, get the fuck out of it.

[493] Yeah, it's sold out like everywhere.

[494] Of course it did.

[495] It is so weird to watch as an adult though.

[496] How about he's 80 and doing it?

[497] That's the creepy thing.

[498] He did it at the Nokia club Like the theater, but like the smaller of the two downtown.

[499] Yeah.

[500] And my cousin went and he said that it was just It's all people like You know, like they would say lines at the same time.

[501] like it was like seeing like a band or something you know oh no yeah they would all like look at each so it was a nostalgia thing oh absolutely yeah everybody in that theater is like did you grew up with weird al yankovic yeah sure uh i just got his new album that is the funniest shit ever that guy still has it man really like that it's ridiculous to listen to when you're just really baked driving on the highway you'll sit there and giggle the whole fucking way home we got to get him on a podcast that would be awesome i was always a fan of weird al yankovic when I was a kid.

[502] I thought he was hilarious.

[503] He's a, I'm fat.

[504] I would always wait for his new shit to come out.

[505] When he came out with, I'm fat.

[506] You know, Roy, big, big country Nelson still goes into the octagon with that song.

[507] No. He enters with that song.

[508] He's the only fighter that enters on Weird Al Yankovic.

[509] That's pretty awesome.

[510] That makes me like that guy a lot.

[511] How can he not like that guy?

[512] I remember good.

[513] The guy's got the best personality.

[514] He's so talented, too, you know.

[515] And he's trying to lose some weight.

[516] He's trying to, like, or at least get in better shape.

[517] Yeah.

[518] He's just, you know, it's just, you know, super talented.

[519] It's just, he's not in the best physical condition.

[520] God damn, he's got a great personality, though.

[521] I have a video of myself at like eight years old with my cousin who's eight and my other cousin's nine and we sing, I'm fat as children.

[522] You have that?

[523] At a talent show and we're all skinny, but I hog the mic and I'm the one that ended up fat like of the three of us.

[524] You got to put that online, dude.

[525] Yeah, I'm like, I would get really into it.

[526] Yeah, you should definitely put some of that stuff somewhere.

[527] Yeah, no, that I wouldn't get rid of it, but I'm...

[528] You know, you should put that on your next DVD.

[529] Yeah, when you do a DVD, have that as one of the extras.

[530] Yeah, I should.

[531] Yeah, why not?

[532] That's hilarious.

[533] And I also have college sketches that we made where, like, we had, like, we did a commercial, a fake commercial for a product called anal freeze, and it was, like, for, like, when, like, when you have diarrhea, and someone was like, I have diarrhea, I'm like, well, why don't you use anel freeze?

[534] Like, it'll freeze all that crap up.

[535] Like, that's the...

[536] tag it'll freeze all that crap up and then like it's horrible and then it comes in a bottle and you just shove the whole bottle up your ass we have videos of that type of genius highbrow stuff it's hilarious that and like a kung a fake kung fu short where like we like layer wu tang music and we have like a kung fu that's why no one can ever be cocky about where you are don't be disrespectful about other people's material yeah yeah yeah they might suck right now but guess at one point in time you suck too a lot you sucks a lot a lot everybody does yeah you can't not suck and the other you start on anything you're gonna suck the best part though is at that time you don't think you suck no you think you're good yeah there was a bunch times where i was like open mic nights and i couldn't get on i was like man i'm gonna get up there i'll fucking show these people what's up meanwhile it's terrible yeah i should not have had any confidence whatsoever yeah you know that i could go up there and and make people laugh i was awful i shouldn't have been for years work my way to the mainstream but that's just how it is right absolutely i remember like you remember like when you have when you finally have like 10 or 15 minutes down that kills and you something happens one night where like you just don't know how to react to a room oh so it doesn't kill it actually bombs and you go this is the shit like this is the best material all time this is the best thing i got in my toolbox and you have nothing else to go to that is like a paralyzing feeling And then you realize, because you'd killed with it so many times, you get a feeling of being kind of invincible.

[537] And then when it doesn't kill, you're like, maybe, oh, shit, like, maybe this isn't amazing.

[538] That's where you wish you had a real job.

[539] It's like, God, if I just had a job, I'd be, like, reporting back to the stockholder as well.

[540] Yeah.

[541] We have a discrepancy between the projected income and the actual income.

[542] We're going to get you some figures on this on Monday, but there's nothing we can't fix.

[543] Yeah.

[544] But when you're out there and it's all you, you're Tom Seguer Incorporated and you're eating a dick.

[545] You wish you had some, you know, some, what would you like me to do, boss?

[546] You can't, you can't say that because what you're doing is you're the boss, you're the boss, you're the, at the end of the line is you, stupid, and if you're ain't doing it, and you don't know how to dance, like now if like something, like if it were to be like, man, this, that was really, that was what that joke bombed or something happened.

[547] You have the tools after a while to adjust to that.

[548] The problem then is that, like, you just don't even know how do it like.

[549] And you panic and they panic and they panic.

[550] for you yes they see the panic and then they're like oh we're all panicking then you're in a fucking elevator fire like people are just like how the fuck do we get out of here I was uh recently I saw a friend of mine and he fucked up a joke and then after he fucked up a joke he started rushing the next joke because you could feel that he fucked up and that joke bombed and then I felt like the spin I felt the spin the slide and my my toes started crunched up in my shoes I had clinched my hands together he pulled himself out of it but I almost had to leave the room.

[551] Really?

[552] Yeah, yeah.

[553] He got a couple good laughs, and then the ball started rolling again, and they're like, okay, we're back.

[554] But the uncomfortable thing of watching someone slide down the road to bomb them, I don't want to be there for that.

[555] It's really painful, man. I don't need to see that, dude.

[556] I know it sucks.

[557] That's why I write a lot.

[558] Yeah, and you can almost tell.

[559] What are you doing over there, Brian?

[560] You adjusting a little thing?

[561] Well, don't you tell us when you're doing that.

[562] Otherwise, it freaks me the fuck out.

[563] Oh, man. Are my ears getting way better?

[564] Joe, you got to look at this.

[565] salvia video that tom was talking about earlier this is going to this is the one that tom when tom got here then the first things he said is dude you got to see this video this couple smoking salvia and why is it so interesting that it has a million fucking hits on youtube uh because what happens in it uh you know a rie shafir when he did salvia i heard he freaked out he did freak out oh yeah you got to check out that video i saw little bits of it but yeah from his account and times that times that by a billion and this is a hundred twenty six thousand people have seen this already just this one it's uploaded like a million times on here.

[566] Yeah.

[567] So the recording themselves doing Salvi which a lot of people do.

[568] Yeah, what is the big deal about that?

[569] How'd that all get going?

[570] Because you leave your body but it's only a couple minutes so you're really interested to see what happens because you're out of it but you're awake type thing.

[571] Everybody does it the same way you guys did it with Ari and what I would imagine is like the worst environment possible.

[572] Yeah.

[573] When you're filming these fucking things?

[574] Yeah.

[575] It's like the worst environment possible.

[576] This dude takes some rips off of this bong, too.

[577] Yeah, like he, I mean, I can't say what that does.

[578] Now, for people who don't know what the fuck Salvia is, for you squares out there, Salvia is a super powerful psychedelic drug, but is very legal for some weird reason.

[579] Yeah.

[580] It was one that was missed in the whole sweeping psychedelic drug acts of the 1970s, whatever it was, 1970, when they made everything illegal.

[581] Somehow or another, they missed Salvia.

[582] So these people are taking something.

[583] And now they're laughing their ball.

[584] Yeah.

[585] It's a hundred times more powerful than marijuana.

[586] You can buy it in head shops legally.

[587] It's like...

[588] And so this is normal shit.

[589] Like people laughing for a good time.

[590] Then the Ari Shafir factor takes in it.

[591] It just takes a turn.

[592] You almost see the moment.

[593] There you go.

[594] That's it.

[595] Okay.

[596] So now the guy's lying down unless he's having such a good time.

[597] And now all of a sudden he looks kind of freaked out.

[598] One thing to note is that the camera's off -tilted.

[599] like why is it not centered this is one of the best advertisements ever for don't do drugs yeah that's what I'm saying that's why I think it might be a fake but it's really good acting yeah he's breaking windows bro this ain't fake no way no way yeah and those are trees up there man yeah on the second no way yeah and then she kind of just comes to it and it's like oh my god and then part two you saw part two right yeah part two she's just totally.

[600] Would you just say part two?

[601] This is fake.

[602] Well, somebody just cut the video.

[603] This is fake.

[604] Yeah?

[605] Yeah.

[606] That's don't do drug video, right?

[607] This looks fake to me. Okay.

[608] I don't like the way he randomly stumbled into the window.

[609] What I don't like is that the camera is not centered.

[610] It's actually, so you can see both windows.

[611] Like the couch is to the right of the camera.

[612] And as a cameraman, if you're sending up yourself record, why wouldn't you zoom in on the couch?

[613] You're not going to sit at that far back and show that much window.

[614] and why is it showing it's off -centered I always thought it was fake but I wanted to see what you guys thought it seems fake the way he moves seems fake yeah the way he jumped up the way he jumped up to me looked like he was putting on a show yeah I mean that's the impression that I got I might be wrong but my impression was that he was putting on a show that didn't look like a guy who was really scared of when you're really fucked up can you shut that off is it's still on because you're talking in the background when you're really fucked up on something and you can't walk, you don't know how to control your body.

[615] And that guy was like catching himself the right way.

[616] He was like saving himself the right way every time.

[617] To me it looks like he was way more together than he was pretending to be.

[618] And he went right through that window.

[619] He didn't pull out of it at all.

[620] He knows well enough to keep his balance while he's stumbling around.

[621] He knows to protect his balance, but he doesn't know to not go through a window.

[622] I don't buy that.

[623] He also falls out of the top part of the window.

[624] You know where the divide is.

[625] And there's all this smash and you know but it doesn't look like smashing window to me you know i mean he's just kind of like leaning on and all of a sudden it's going through really thin windows what is that that looks fake the window looks fake the fact that he would just go over it and write through it he wouldn't stop himself come on son and if you noticed uh when all that was happening there was off camera a he must hit a light or a lamp and it did the light ball blow up flash so it was really dramatic because it was like ooh a light bulb flash and that right there as a as a looking at to me thought hey that's purposely put there to make it more dramatic and realistic looking but yeah maybe right maybe it wasn't even real maybe they added it to the film right in effect really into it when I saw it you really yeah I didn't buy it man initial reaction just being honest was that I really thought it was my first reaction was fake well we might be I might be right I don't know yeah we might be wrong there might be a whole new story about it yeah if there's not a new story like immediately because they want to have a story like that yeah guy falls breaks both of his fucking legs You dumb ass, gets a fence post up his ass.

[626] What exactly happened to Ari when he did it?

[627] Well, it wasn't too much of a freak out.

[628] He stayed put, though, pretty much.

[629] They kind of held him down.

[630] But they were watching him, and they were doing it for a show.

[631] They were doing it when they were filming the naughty show.

[632] And the worst part about that is that you're filming it, and you're trying to make light of it, and you're making a comedy podcast, and then you ask you guy to do psychedelics.

[633] And the worst thing you could do when you're doing psychedelics, be on a fucking comedy podcast with cameras and people fucking with you.

[634] Plus, you know, you know the studio, it was like everybody had, was packed, like three people on the couch, there was people behind me and everything.

[635] So it was like packed.

[636] It was just worst place you could ever do a psychedelic.

[637] And he started flailing and like, I thought he was not too bad, not the LCD screen or brakes hurt himself and he stood up.

[638] It was genuine?

[639] Yeah.

[640] Oh, yeah.

[641] Completely real.

[642] Really.

[643] But he didn't do what this knucklehead did.

[644] Did he leave?

[645] Huh?

[646] He left?

[647] He, no, he freaked out.

[648] And then he cut.

[649] old Sam and they, it was so cute because Ari's little face was next to Sam and it looked like...

[650] Hey man, that video is still going on.

[651] You see it?

[652] Look, there's some...

[653] What the fuck?

[654] This is bullshit, dude.

[655] This video is totally bullshit.

[656] They left all this extra footage on the end of it to make it look even more real.

[657] Right.

[658] Clever.

[659] Clever boys.

[660] These are some, uh, what's it called?

[661] I don't think so.

[662] Blair Witch kind of style, right?

[663] Yeah.

[664] I'm just, you know, I just, I see all these fucking hungry kids out there trying to come up with something that gets people to look at their shit and I see creativity and I see ingenuity and I see a video like this and I say well there it is it manifested itself good try yeah guys very talented it was very funny but I'm not buying it son so crazy salvia trip school what does it say for real with a bunches oh that's how another reason why you know it's not real because they don't even say for real with the correct amount of owes check this out she I don't know what's going on I haven't been watching, I just looked over, but she just finally came to it, looks like, and then she opens the front door, and then the guy immediately comes in right when she opens the door at the same time, like it wasn't, like, she opened the door, it was like looking around, like they both came to it at the same time, and met at the door.

[665] Maybe this is like the opening scene for an amazing new film, and this is viral market.

[666] Yeah, the monkey movie.

[667] I like it.

[668] This is, yeah, this is one of the reasons why you're rude for the monkeys.

[669] It's called People Are Cunts, evidence, 1 ,226.

[670] He's fucking idiots Smoking Salvia Head headers out windows Our cunt's marketing campaign Just to try to really pump up the numbers For the Planet of the Apes Because you gotta realize we lose in this one We lose this one We lose this one big Chimps take over Yeah I was gonna be some violent scenes in that movie I can't wait I hope so I wonder if it's in 3D Is it even in 3D?

[671] Oh it's gotta be everything's in 3D now I like that shit now I'm liking the 3D Yeah me too There'll be a shot of somebody Like a monkey's gonna grab a guy's ear, and it's going to tear across his face.

[672] You think so?

[673] Yes, dude.

[674] Really?

[675] Is it supposed to be this violent?

[676] I'm hoping.

[677] You're putting it out there in the universe.

[678] Yeah, maybe it's a kids movie.

[679] Maybe it's a monkey love story.

[680] It's got to be at least PG -13.

[681] I would imagine a big budget movie like this.

[682] Probably PG -13.

[683] What do you think of Captain America?

[684] I actually think it looks decent.

[685] It looks badass.

[686] I fucking love superhero movies, dude.

[687] Fuck that green hornet.

[688] Did you see it?

[689] The Ryan Rounds is a bit too.

[690] handsome for my taste.

[691] Creamhorn is...

[692] I'm not into watching him, wandering around on TV, knowing that he fucked the shit out of Scarlet Johansson, and it was like, uh, kind of done with you.

[693] Kind of done.

[694] Moving down to greener pastures, You know what sucks as six flags just made a new roller coaster and it's not even...

[695] A Ryan Reynolds' pussy ride.

[696] That's what it is.

[697] You jump in a condom.

[698] And you go, just fucking shooting through all these pussies all throughout Hollywood.

[699] And at the end, You're just fucking exhausted, covered in sperm.

[700] It's kind of like that.

[701] It turns into a lot of ride at the very end.

[702] Yeah, she's squirting.

[703] Right when she comes to the end.

[704] The last girl comes and shoots you over the top of a fucking mountain.

[705] That dude's got to sweat himself so hard.

[706] How could he not?

[707] Of course, yeah.

[708] He got the craziest roll of the dice ever.

[709] Handsome, well -spoken.

[710] Yeah.

[711] People like him.

[712] Funny.

[713] He's a decent actor.

[714] Genuinely funny.

[715] Good looking.

[716] It's fucking nailing it, son.

[717] Swat.

[718] Swat.

[719] Swat.

[720] You motherfucker.

[721] Some dude apparently just usurped Jennifer Lopez.

[722] Have you ever heard this news?

[723] No. This could not, maybe true, maybe not.

[724] Maybe I heard it from somebody who read it on the internet.

[725] I haven't even bothered looking it up.

[726] But apparently Jennifer Lopez gotten some sort of a romantic sullery with some dude who she was dancing with.

[727] Now all of a sudden our fucking shows become TMZ because I need to find out if that's true.

[728] That Greenhorner roller coasters not even open yet.

[729] Can you imagine them like they spent all this money on this roller coaster and they're like, oh God, that movie was gay.

[730] Now, I mean, bad, and then we have to...

[731] From announcing a split to singing at a wedding.

[732] Six, is that a six flags, Ryan, it's going to be?

[733] Yeah, six flags.

[734] I don't think it's open yet.

[735] What's the other superhero one?

[736] What's the one that Seth Rogen did?

[737] No, no, the one that Seth Rogen did.

[738] Oh, yeah, the Black Ornett?

[739] Jennifer Lopez still fucking keeps it together.

[740] Oh, Greenhorn, Greenlanders.

[741] This is why I knew, this is why I knew that this marriage was never going to work.

[742] Why?

[743] What is it?

[744] She's too hot.

[745] She's still hot.

[746] She's still hot as fuck.

[747] Jennifer Lopez?

[748] She's like 50 now, right?

[749] What is she?

[750] No, no. She's 86 years old.

[751] She's 97 years old.

[752] And she's hot as fuck.

[753] She's younger than me. I shouldn't be talking shit.

[754] She's only 41.

[755] But God damn, she's still hot as fuck.

[756] And that dude that she's with, that Mark Anthony fella, he's got a mirror.

[757] He's a looker.

[758] He's got a mirror at home.

[759] He knows what the fuck is up.

[760] What he needs to do is belt out some goddamn number one hits.

[761] It's the only way he's going to keep her around.

[762] And let's be honest.

[763] He really hasn't done that lately.

[764] No. I haven't been hearing.

[765] Nobody's been screaming and yelling about how great Mark Anthony's music is.

[766] No. And unless you are one of the badest motherfuckers ever you're justin beber versus and prince rolled up in one and you look like that it's gonna be hard to keep a girl like jenn for sure those are some genetics son those are some i need dick genetics you know i'm saying yeah he's uh yeah look at that look at that girl's body where's that from what's that that that body is a goddamn homing signal for a cock i'm portarican did it's all good to it's it's like a magnet for a dick yeah that's what it is puerto rican dicks too shazam son yeah that's what i'm talking about yep she couldn't she couldn't keep it together she uh she hooked up some other dude can imagine how many how many guys fucking railed and smashed that when she was one of the fly girls after months of don johnson arguing they argued for months nonstop that makes me so sad yeah why argue you guys have all the money in the world they have a kid they have twins right yeah what do I give a fuck when people are listening this podcast going what do you give a fuck listen I don't and I blame the weed and Oprah I blame the weed because it wasn't for the weed I would not be on a Mark Anthony and Jennifer Lopez Swit split Google Run right now Yeah man You ever get in a Google run?

[767] Yes And you go what the fuck is wrong with me man Yeah I'm thinking about getting one of these MacBook errors Good good get one So before we We didn't finish this Machu Picchu thing man Oh I'm looking at some photos of this shit now Tell me you We kept getting off track You got there You fly to Cusco From Lima And then You stay there, usually, most people stay there at least like a day or two to get acclimated to, you know, being up that high.

[768] Right.

[769] And then you take a train from Kusko to what is essentially the bottom of the mountain that Machu Picchu is on, and then you take a bus up the hill.

[770] A very unsafe bus ride, might I add.

[771] Is it like one of those things where there's a road and then this mountain to the right hand side?

[772] Dude, you're on a road that's on the side of a mountain with no guardrails or anything in all.

[773] On a bus, just going up, up, up, and you're just like, we're on a mountain.

[774] That kind of thing.

[775] That stuff freaks me out.

[776] You can look out of your bus window and just you see down.

[777] Yeah, your bus driver falls asleep, freaks out.

[778] Whatever.

[779] Had a long night.

[780] A dog runs across the road.

[781] He has to hit the brakes.

[782] Drinks.

[783] Just does anything.

[784] Jesus Christ.

[785] Yeah.

[786] It's not like.

[787] How wide is the road?

[788] Not wide.

[789] Oh, Jesus.

[790] Yeah.

[791] I did the Pacific Coast Highway once.

[792] the drive from California from Southern California and Northern California along the coast, it's fucking amazing man, amazing.

[793] While you're driving there, you're just like, oh my God, this is so incredible.

[794] But you can't even look at it because you're glued to that little skinny slice of rock hanging over the Pacific Ocean, by the way in a place where the ground moves all the time.

[795] And you're driving 35 miles an hour.

[796] You can't drive any faster because there's a fucking person in front of you.

[797] And by the way, when you're in a cooperative agreement with all those other fuck sticks on that road.

[798] You know, you've got to know that this guy coming this way isn't just freaking out and stomping on his gas and turning into traffic because his girlfriend left him.

[799] You've got to hope that everyone you meet is keeping it together.

[800] Fuck that.

[801] It's terrifying.

[802] You could go a different route, right?

[803] You don't have to take that.

[804] You don't have to take that.

[805] The quicker route is actually not taking it.

[806] But taking that route on the ocean is just the scenic view.

[807] So I did it once with the next girlfriend of mine.

[808] I got a ticket going up and a ticket going.

[809] How long does it take?

[810] It's a speed trap because they know you want to drive home.

[811] Yeah.

[812] You know, nobody lives out there.

[813] So it's all just people driving from San Francisco to L .A. along the coast.

[814] So it's crazy speed traps.

[815] How long does that take?

[816] It's a long time.

[817] I don't remember.

[818] It's like somewhere around six hours, I think it was.

[819] Somewhere around that.

[820] And that's if you're, you know, following a reasonable pace.

[821] We actually, I think, went to Monterey.

[822] That's where we went and then we went to San Francisco later.

[823] But it's not where it's a fucking cunt of a drive.

[824] Yeah.

[825] Yeah.

[826] That takes way longer going up the coast.

[827] But the Machu Picchu thing.

[828] You're on this road.

[829] Dude, you're on this road.

[830] There's no guardrail, and just like that, where it's a skinny road on the side of a giant mountain.

[831] You're in the driver's hands.

[832] And so how long from the time that you land in the plane, how long before you actually get to the top of this bus?

[833] Well, you land, like I said, you land in Kusko.

[834] Usually I stay there a day or two.

[835] Then take a train.

[836] It's a couple hour train, right?

[837] I want to say.

[838] Do you stay there on purpose to normalize?

[839] Yeah, yeah.

[840] Most people do.

[841] Most people do.

[842] Wow.

[843] Yeah, because also, since you already flew in to Kusko that day, you probably usually don't feel like taking the train.

[844] train because the best time to go is in the morning to get the whole day so you you stay a couple days you get on a train you take the train ride then you get the bus up the hill and then when you arrive at the you arrive at like a the top and you are just uh you know let's say a hundred yards or something from where the actual machapitia city is you're at you're at the receiving area and you walk over and it's it just blows your mind man there's nothing i mean there's there's no way to describe it there's a city an ancient city way up thousands of feet 7 ,000 feet up in the mountains and it's elaborate, it's precise there's reasons for the placement of things the sun hits certain parts of it certain ways and you're just like we're way up you know like you're looking down from the top of a mountain in a city and it was inhabited and fully functioning and you know it's just like I said the size of the place the magnitude of it all it blows your mind it's there's nothing like you him in.

[845] How long were you up there for?

[846] I would spend hours, like you arrive in the morning.

[847] Let's say you're there by like, you get a guide or somewhere that takes you?

[848] Yeah, and they have so much just information blows your mind.

[849] How old do they say it is?

[850] I'm trying to remember.

[851] I haven't been there in a while now, but I want to say that they said, well, because it's documented when the Spanish went there and killed like thousands of them with like a hundred guys you know because uh they came with disease and weapon they just wiped them out i was in uh hawaii last week and uh we were reading about uh when when white people first came to hawaii it killed off one fifth of the hawaiian population damn because that's a lot of people one fifth yeah you imagine how much you would fucking hate white people if they showed up and your daughter died from measles yeah because these creeps brought over some creepy fucking disease yeah it's it's i mean it it's well that's well documented we could look that up it's i want to say they it was like thousands to one that they killed them and that was in the 15 i want to say 15 30s or 1560s something like that just make some shit up bro no one's going to look it up if i can no one's going to google it yes they i'm not an expert so when um when you go up there so they give you some sort of an estimation of when it was created do they tell you who the people were or why they built they give you they give you it's all theories there's never been discovered and they they tell you that they're theories because that you there's no record to prove that this was in fact the way they did it but like so was it one thing sort of when they just sort of found it yeah yeah it was it was discovered in the early 1900s by like an explorer an american explorer i think american or british and he uh you know it had it was overgrown like weeds and grass and everything had to grown and then yeah can you imagine you're on a hike and then they take you to see this and you're like what the fuck man but a sudden you just find some law city law city man from thousands of years ago a real law city i wish i could remember what the um the cherries of the gods slash graham hancock crew thinks about this place because i think there's some there is some sort of speculation that it was at the side of water at one point in time really yeah that you know that the topography of the earth was so radically different when this thing was created that it's so many thousands of years old that there was actually water up there.

[852] What this guy wants to do is this John Anthony West guy.

[853] He wants to push back the idea of civilization like more than 10 ,000 BC.

[854] He wants to go like way back, even like 30 ,000 BC.

[855] And he thinks that there's sort of hieroglyphs that represent that.

[856] But for whatever reasons, Egyptian scholars have refused to look at those hieroglyphs and they believe that it's all fiction after a certain point.

[857] It's just fiction and fable.

[858] And he's saying, well, why would you think that?

[859] because there's all this other evidence that we know is real that's also in the hieroglyphs why would we assume that at one point in time there were just liars you know yeah so it's kind of did you fuck this new one up again we had it it's still broken we got a new one though I know it never really the new one doesn't work either god damn it son anyway um those guys are right and it was like 30 ,000 years ago or whatever the hell it was where there was a civilization up here and there was an ocean up there or a river or whatever the hell it was is it's not near ocean right No. I mean, you know, no, not like...

[860] So they think it would have to be some giant lake or something out there.

[861] But they have one of their theories is that they used water to lay those rocks and to make them to shape them.

[862] Like through some extremely, you know, I don't know, intricate formula that water...

[863] Because, you know, like water hits rocks and shapes them over time, right?

[864] It beats them down to sand.

[865] They have a theory that water was used to make rocks, like, fit into each other.

[866] But through some elaborate system that you hear about it.

[867] it and you go like, yeah, I don't fucking know, man. That's pretty...

[868] The sheer size of them is what's really mind -boggling.

[869] It really is, man. They're eight, nine feet tall, and they're curved, and they fit into other curved rocks.

[870] And thousands of pounds.

[871] Yeah.

[872] Thousands of tons.

[873] Yeah.

[874] Yeah, I mean, they're...

[875] Well, I don't know thousands of tons.

[876] But what's the biggest one?

[877] We should know this.

[878] We should know this.

[879] While we're talking shit.

[880] But there are enormous stones up there, whatever the fuck it is.

[881] I highly recommend a trip there.

[882] Man, you're making me want to go.

[883] I really did it.

[884] So when you land in the morning, at this one place before you get in the bus and all the jazz when you land in the morning do they give you like a survival pack or anything this thing is here's water you're at high altitude well when you land in Kusko yeah everyone like if you've never been there like hotels will give you tea they'll give you you know they'll tell you to hydrate yeah everybody I mean it's you know Peru's considered a third world but like it's it's actually really developed now and this is yeah and this is such a international destination that like everything is like modern you know like as far as getting you there and I mean the last time I went was 10 years ago and you know it was still pretty much but there's a hotel at the location if you want to stay overnight there's a hotel right there so like well not like you know not within the city of Machu Piccha but right kind of not far from it so you can stay in the hotel like it's very not fucking ghosts yeah in the middle of the night dude it's sword fights from thousands years you know it really like affects you it affects you Really?

[885] Yeah.

[886] Like, you stand there, you take it in, you're looking at, like, you're looking at the sky and the mountains, and you're like, what it, like, how is this possible?

[887] Because it, it blows your mind in terms of, like, most things that you look at, there's so many, like, explanations and answers for, and this is something where they really, you really don't have one.

[888] Like, you can't, you can't have somebody to tell you this is exactly what this was.

[889] So it then.

[890] But why do you say you can't?

[891] Just because it's just too nutty, too nutty.

[892] big too big and because there's no proof that that it was used for this and it was built this way they're all theories there's theories on why this was done and so that then opens your mind up to like really what are possibilities i think you know like what are possibilities in the world like you know what are the possibilities that you got from from being there looking at that just that that it was underwater and mermaids built it i just got that it was something that uh you know, it's greater than what my mind can conceive of.

[893] It makes you feel like really small, you know, in a lot of terms, like just by the scope of it.

[894] And like, if this was done by some intricate, like, levy and pulling system with water, like, man, how little do I know?

[895] Like, how, how little have I taken in that people that were in an ancient civilization built a city?

[896] upon like am i like am i of the lowest IQ level possible because this is i you know you could explain it to me 20 times i'd be like what like i don't understand what you're saying right now like really like you know you go that's and then also you think about i think you think about like spiritual thing like you definitely feel something like you know you think about god and possibilities of gods and stuff i mean these people all worshipped um i believe the sun and other gods you know, Inca's did.

[897] So, you know, they were just doing this for what they believed was God, you know, worshipping him.

[898] Like, are they sacrificed?

[899] Inca's sacrificed.

[900] So, you know, they would kill their own.

[901] Offer them up.

[902] Jesus Christ.

[903] Yeah.

[904] It's pretty amazing, man. I wonder what made them build those things.

[905] So what I would think as far as it being very spiritual to be there.

[906] And the terms of what I would mean by spiritual is that if a spirit was real, And if there is some sort of an energy that's inside of a life form, that energy leaves and stays in that space once the person's gone, when you go to a place like a Machu Picchu, when you think about all the thousands of years of history and all the people that have died, all the people that died in that area and how long ago it was.

[907] Like if there was ever, any feeling you could get of like the spirit of a place, it would have to be some sort of an really, really ancient place.

[908] you know a place along those lines like standing like where troy is walking around the coliseum you know touching the parthenon like shit like that can you go to like really really ancient places like that that's i mean i know it's a different term when you say like spiritual but it's got to like there's got to be like a certain energy to those places yeah if you really believe in that if you really believe that human energy stays in the area when the when the person is is killed which people believe when they believe that houses are haunted.

[909] You know, I know a lot of people that you tell them, hey, you want to buy John Bonae Ramsey's house?

[910] They go, get the fuck out of here.

[911] I go, dude, it's the best house ever.

[912] It's beautiful.

[913] It's only like half what it would be worth.

[914] It wasn't John Badee Ramsey.

[915] So they'll still be like, fuck that.

[916] I'm not living in that house.

[917] Why?

[918] Because they think that there might be some energy in that house.

[919] There's something left over.

[920] Yeah, they, and I think that's almost even a better way of, like, describing what it is.

[921] You get like, you feel something when you're in that presence, like that type of greatness.

[922] Yeah.

[923] Which is that, I think you feel like a boost.

[924] You know what I mean?

[925] Like you get like some feeling that you're when you're there.

[926] You can't, you cannot, unless you're a total sociopath, walk into Machu Picchu and just be like, yeah, yeah, cool.

[927] All right.

[928] What do you guys want to?

[929] You were able to grab lunch?

[930] Like, it's too amazing, too captivating, like inspiring to just be like, yeah, seen it.

[931] It's amazing.

[932] Yeah, I would love to go to a place where I knew there was like Roman battles, just to walk on the ground, like, where the Coliseum is.

[933] They let you on the ground there in the Coliseum.

[934] They let you actually walk on the dirt in the middle.

[935] Yeah.

[936] They let you walk on that spot?

[937] You don't get to walk all throughout it.

[938] They have, there's areas that you can walk through.

[939] Yeah, it's like a path through the whole thing if I remember.

[940] Dude, eat a pot brownie and stay in the middle of the Coliseum and think of how crazy that shit is.

[941] Could you imagine if you were Blitzkrieg on one of those Joey Diaz banana bread specials that he gets from that Russian place and you went to the fucking Roman Coliseum and you stood there in the middle of that that would be awesome dude can I read you this about sure I looked up this thing okay in 1531 the Spanish expedition led by Francisco Pisado the guy that just like discovered Peru in for Spain let's say right right the Spanish guy that came over he had 180 men and 37 horses were on a quest to conquer the Incan Empire the Spaniards advanced to the south after receiving reinforcements and they marched toward a force with a force of 106 foot soldiers and 62 horsemen and they went on to beat Atta Walpa the Incan guy and I believe his 80 ,000 man army Whoa!

[942] Yeah Because they had guns?

[943] And disease.

[944] Like their disease killed A huge Holy shit So a couple hundred bad motherfuckers from Spain Just dominated that whole place Yep And he captured He captured the top dog The Spanish did They captured Atta Wapha And they They offered He offered to fill a large room They tell you this Like when you're there But 22 feet long 17 feet wide And a height of eight feet With gold And twice with silver Within two months So it's a fill up room which is gold and silver and the Spanish agreed to the terms got the gold and silver and then killed him.

[945] Oh shit!

[946] Yeah.

[947] Gangster style, right?

[948] God damn!

[949] And can you imagine if you were forced to live like back then?

[950] Can you imagine if you were on the fucking shores of Peru or the ground in Peru and you saw the Spaniards rolling over the hill and horses and shit?

[951] shooting at you if they just decided they were just gonna take over motherfucker could you imagine how much that would suck yeah they were gonna he was they sentenced him they like did like a formal like you're on trial you're guilty we're gonna kill you now and they they sentenced him to die by burning and then they they gave in accordance with his request because he agreed to be baptized then they strangle them instead oh my god Wow, he agreed to be baptized And then they strangled him Instead of burning him alive Yeah, that was the compromise Holy shit God damn They got one more compromise out of them Before they killed them Crazy right They made them get baptized Yeah Holy shit Yeah Dude people back then Rocked it in an entirely different way You know Back then you really could be Like a Michelle Bachman And control the world Yeah You know There was no internet videos from 1999 were you talking about the apocalypse and doom and absolutely man the fucking could you imagine if you could get inside the head of any sort of a dictator from that time period any sort of a king or you know just just to get it like see how they were running shit back in like 1492 when Columbus took off they were you know they were people forget like Spain that was that was gangster country fuck yeah they have we have there are how many people like they gotta be like close to 700 million or 800 million people that speak a language from like 3 ,000 miles away because they fucking ran shit man yeah they swung their dicks around hey there's a hundred of us yeah we're gonna kill you 80 ,000 yeah how gangsters this is our shit now yeah and it's like if they were a hundred dudes without a country they would just be pirates yeah no one would take them Seriously, they'd be a band of pirates and ruffians.

[952] Yeah.

[953] But instead, history actually looks upon it as, you know, almost like a qualified act.

[954] Like, well, you know, they were Spain attacked this.

[955] Yeah.

[956] You know, instead of, you know, like, you know, Blackbeard and his gang of thugs tried to take over North Carolina.

[957] You know, instead of that, it's a whole country.

[958] It's not qualified as thuggish when it's super thuggish.

[959] It's totally thuggish.

[960] Yeah.

[961] It's the most gangster shit ever.

[962] A hundred dudes take over the fucking whole country.

[963] Unbelievable, man. That's insane, man. That's hard to believe.

[964] Did they have rapid -fire guns back then?

[965] Or was it a musket?

[966] No, no. They did it with muskets.

[967] Jesus, right, bayonets.

[968] He took over with muskets.

[969] Can you imagine how stressful that would be?

[970] Like, somebody's, like, running right towards you and you're just trying to fucking fill your musk.

[971] But wasn't this also the case, though, that when the Spaniards came, there was a lot of confusion.

[972] They thought the Spaniards were gods, and so they let them in.

[973] Before the Spaniards took over and started killing people.

[974] That's Cortez, right?

[975] That might be Cortez.

[976] Is that Cortez?

[977] My fucking Mayan history My Mayan history is completely Limited, my Aztec history All I know is the cool shit Like yeah, Kukla Khan was the snake With the fucking feathers, bro Like I know shit like that Right Butzlquadal I know a lot of them hadn't seen horses So they thought they were like They saw horses And they were like What the fuck is that Didn't they think that Spaniards and horses Were initially gods Yeah I think they thought They were one being too Because they came off And they're like That thing's got four legs Yeah I think there was there was a lot of a lot of confusion in the beginning and they actually gave them a lot of money and like let them deep in and then they eventually realized but if it was too late that they weren't gods there were just men that rode around on fucking horses unbelievable man that's how bad people had it back then yeah it's amazing that's not that long ago and they would do shit like tell them like your whole worship shit is bullshit yeah it's Catholic like you're Catholic or you're dead and they're like all right whatever like the thing they'd done for like all the only thing they knew which was probably you know the sun or like stars yeah guys were like that's not what it's that so hawaii too man yeah notice i said that with the correct ethnic terminology yeah or what's it the word enunciation hawaii um they they had uh mercenaries or missionaries same thing missionaries they're mercenaries for god that's all it is right the mercenaries came to hawai in the 1800s and converted them to christianity and uh like in the 1800s they had their first christian king you know yeah and they're like Yeah, Hawaii's a crazy situation, man. Did you swim with dolphins when you were there last?

[978] No, there was no dolphins.

[979] I didn't see any dolphins.

[980] But I did a few times ago, not this time, but the last time in Lanai.

[981] It's another one of the islands.

[982] And you can swim with the dolphins.

[983] But the most, the trippiest experience that I ever had was in a boat with the dolphins.

[984] Because dolphins will follow the boats and play with you and jump around next to you.

[985] Yeah.

[986] It's amazing that that's five hours away by plane, yet it's America.

[987] Yeah.

[988] And if we can't wrap our head around how big that is, that's literally if you took off from Burbank and the whole country was the ocean, the whole country, every state along the way.

[989] You're fucking Ohio, it's all ocean, and then you land in New Jersey and that's the shore.

[990] That's how fucking far away Hawaii is over the ocean, and yet it's still considered America.

[991] Yeah.

[992] That really is.

[993] You forget that that's colonization, right?

[994] That's what that is.

[995] That's gangster shit, is what that is.

[996] Right, like, that's what it would be.

[997] That's old -school gangster shit.

[998] Hawaii was taken over in the 1890s by businessmen.

[999] Yeah.

[1000] At least that's what it said when I was reading there, that thing.

[1001] There just were some fucking people trying to keep on, keeping on out there in the middle of the ocean, living on a volcano, you know?

[1002] Yeah.

[1003] Spain still has the Canary Islands.

[1004] That's off the west coast to Africa.

[1005] They're like, that's our shit.

[1006] We're lucky that Hawaii is five hours away in a plane because that is the best spot ever.

[1007] If that was like you could drive there, people would ruin that in a week.

[1008] Yeah.

[1009] If you could drive to Hawaii, if they made a bridge to Hawaii, it would be backed up with cars every day forever.

[1010] And Hawaii would be covered in dirt and fucking plastic bags and cigarette butts.

[1011] It would be jacked within no time.

[1012] Yeah, it's so beautiful.

[1013] Yeah, it's the fact that you have to fly over there so you can't bring too much shit with you.

[1014] You can't keep your shit there unless you live there.

[1015] And if you live there, they give you shit if you're a fucking litter bug, you cunt, you're living up.

[1016] Like you walk along the beach The beaches are clean Man, they're actually fucking clean Like you see very little trash on the beach If that was the same beach in the east coast It would just be everywhere you look It'd be a can or a bottle Or a fucking tampon or a syringe Like everywhere you go there's trash They can't clean it up enough And then it's in the water as well Because you know the water's coming from all the way The fuck up to Maine and everything along down the way Down the East Coast is all just fucking Cities and shit and people, you know, empty in their fucking toilet into the water.

[1017] So by the time it gets to where you are, it's, you know, it's disgusting.

[1018] Half of them are disgusting in comparison.

[1019] Hawaii is just pristine, man. Beautiful.

[1020] Couldn't deal with living there, though.

[1021] No?

[1022] Yeah, I was thinking there.

[1023] I went to a luau.

[1024] It's pretty badass.

[1025] Kind of have more interesting.

[1026] Sure, bro.

[1027] Is it a luau like a party, right?

[1028] Yeah, it's like a party.

[1029] They cook a pig under the ground.

[1030] The pig was delicious.

[1031] And the dude who was one of the Hawaiian dancer dudes was a MMA fan.

[1032] hooked me up and he gave me a piece of the cheek that's supposed to be the best part of the pig the butt cheek or the face cheek the face cheek not the butt cheek dude how dare you but you do eat the skin they give you crispy skin they cook the skin it's really good dude it's good yeah yeah that's slow cooked pig slow cooked pig is pretty fucking spectacular it's amazing stuff um but their music is whack you have to sit through their music you know and all I was thinking was it's a beautiful culture They're amazing people, especially, let's be honest, especially when you're going to a resort and you're spending money where they have to be nice to you.

[1033] You know what I'm saying?

[1034] Yeah.

[1035] But even outside of that, like in Maui, people are very nice.

[1036] They're just friendly.

[1037] If you're not like, whenever I hear people say things like, oh, Hawaiians don't like white people, they don't like people.

[1038] Well, why not?

[1039] Is it because so many white people are cunts?

[1040] Yeah.

[1041] Is that possibly what it is?

[1042] My experience there is they've always been super nice.

[1043] They're just really genuinely nice people, but so many people are a douchebat.

[1044] and you're a douchebag you come in from another country basically to them and you're littering and you're acting like an asshole and of course they're going to want to kick your ass of course you know so there's a certain amount of douchebags I'm sure that live in Hawaii but for the most part it's really nice but that music bro that luau music there was a song that they sang about a woman selling papayas and red and green bananas and that was the whole fucking song yeah she's selling her and her red and green banana and that's the song and i'm going fucking crazy i'm going crazy because i just got there from the gym too i worked out they have a nice gym there at the hotel yeah it's like i didn't a full fucking four days of power training there son yeah i worked out hard there so i felt good which kept me together but the whole time i was uh in the gym i was listening to some old school leonard skinner i got like really into leonard skinner this week yeah they got some and jams, dude.

[1045] Tearing shit up.

[1046] Oh, God, it was just, I just got into the whole idea of these dirty white guys from Florida, you know, drinking and singing, and it's just a, it's a fucking good vibe.

[1047] Some of their songs are fucking great, man. Free Bird's kind of a long song, and there's parts that are not that fun.

[1048] But when they go, when they start, like, Lord, I can't change.

[1049] So won't you fly, free bird, yeah.

[1050] Dude, when you're lifting and.

[1051] And that fucking shit comes on.

[1052] You're like, you just want to fucking fire up some extra sense.

[1053] So I heard that.

[1054] I had just heard Freebird.

[1055] I had just heard, you know, the ballot of Curtis Lowe.

[1056] I just heard, you know, I just heard all the cool shit.

[1057] They call me the breeze.

[1058] It's like beer drinking guys that like to fucking rock and roll.

[1059] And I'm sitting here, and I pop a breast trip, of course.

[1060] I want a full Hawaii experience.

[1061] I'm sitting here at this luau, baked to the gills, trying to keep an eye on the kids, drinking drinking peanut colatas listening to some whack -ass music and I'm like and while I'm sitting there I'm having a great ass time in Hawaii the weather's beautiful it's paradise I'm thinking god damn how awesome would it be if they just said ladies gentlemen please welcome Leonard Skinner and the Hawaiian guy step aside and somehow another Ronnie Van Zant is still alive and they fucking start jamming Leonard Skitter out there in the beach I would pay $100 ,000 for that shit all right you know what I'm saying I mean fucking then it would be an amazing vacation Yeah But you're making me listening To Copsis selling A papayas And her red And green banana Other Other cultures I don't know why Some music is so So bad Like This shit's brutal A lot of like You go to like You know You look at research Like Eastern European countries And their fucking music Their tradition music It's like What the fuck is that It's borat shit Yeah It totally is borat shit That's why Borat's so good And they all are really like that And it's some guy with some creepy fucking mustache Who's like And none of it really sounds like it has a melody or a rhythm And they're going crazy Like that's the best song ever That's the song that the goat doesn't drink out of the fountain Because that's where you live And you're like what the what is the beauty behind it?

[1062] What's up with Mexican music?

[1063] Same kind of thing, right?

[1064] Like every single song sounds like an ice cream truck Going down the street I mean it's like There's a type of the mariachi music you know, the good mariachi music with good trumpets like when you hear like Oscar de la Jolla stepping into the ring when he's walking down the aisle stepping into the ring he brings with him a badass mariachi band you know these motherfuckers are on top of shit yeah when they're doing that shit man these guys are badass to watch like they're experts sure they're doing the real shit yeah there's some bullshit down there Some whack -ass mariachi.

[1065] But you realize some whack -ass stand -up.

[1066] What a big culture is in Mexico that cowboys are, right?

[1067] Like, you know, Cowboys, and we have country music.

[1068] A lot of that shit you're hearing that you're like, what is that?

[1069] That's their country music.

[1070] That's why you're like, this fucking shit's terrible, man. But they do have regular music, right?

[1071] They do.

[1072] They have pop music.

[1073] They have rap.

[1074] When we were in San Diego, I was listening to a rap station that was in Mexico.

[1075] And there was also one station that we went on where we were allowed to swing.

[1076] swear because their station, their tower was actually located in Mexico.

[1077] And even though we were in San Diego, they were a Mexican station.

[1078] And so we were allowed to swear on the air.

[1079] Really?

[1080] I was like, that is fucking crazy.

[1081] He goes, don't do it too much, but you can swear a little.

[1082] Really?

[1083] Yeah, yeah.

[1084] That is cool.

[1085] It was weird.

[1086] Well, it's cool, but look at this fucking thing we're doing right now.

[1087] We don't have to worry about any of that bullshit anymore.

[1088] This is what we want to say.

[1089] Fucking radio seems so obsolete now.

[1090] And I do radio and I love doing it.

[1091] Don't get me wrong.

[1092] I mean, it's always nice.

[1093] And Kevin and Bean are my favorite.

[1094] As far as people that are, like, still on radio, they're like my favorite show to come in because it's in LA and I can do it all the time.

[1095] But, God, I always have to watch what I'm saying.

[1096] I always have to wonder if I could say this or say that.

[1097] Like, you know, you've got to be careful.

[1098] Yeah.

[1099] I've had some really bad radio experiences lately.

[1100] Really?

[1101] Just like shit where you're like, man, can you fucking, can you do a little bit, like, to add to this?

[1102] Like, what do you mean?

[1103] Like, they'll go, I've had one where, like, I get there and they're like just through the green over there will come get you and you're like all right you just sit down in the green room and then the guy comes in he's like hey so uh how you doing um you'll be on the next segment like we don't really do interviews or anything it's like just you know be funny and i'd be like what and they're like it's all on you man just be funny and i'm like just be funny like we're just gonna what do you mean you want to start doing jokes they're like just you know your chance to do whatever you want to do i'm like well can we just like talk do you want us to ask you something specifically I'm like we can't like have like a regular like you don't want to like just make it an organic conversation yeah can we just do that we don't really do that here yeah you know they try to get me to not do that on the bob and tom show some guy came bob and tom were cool as fuck they're cool guys they're very cool guys yeah once i actually got in to meet them but before i got to meet them there were some dude that was like give me the stink guy and he goes well what specifically do you want them to talk to you about and i go i go do anything i go on low maintenance Let's just talk, let's have a good time.

[1104] Well, they need things to lead you into.

[1105] I go, dude, I can't do that.

[1106] I'm not going to tell you that I'm going to talk about this or I'm going to talk about that.

[1107] That's going to sound gross.

[1108] Now, let's just sit down.

[1109] We're going to have some fun.

[1110] Don't worry about it.

[1111] And he came in a stink eye like I was unprofessional.

[1112] Do you know that this is the Bob and Tom show?

[1113] Bob and Tom show is a fucking huge show.

[1114] Yeah, it's huge.

[1115] It's, you know, it's syndicated all across the country.

[1116] They probably have millions of listeners.

[1117] They got a lot of fucking listeners.

[1118] They help a lot of comedians.

[1119] Totally.

[1120] I've been on that show.

[1121] a number of times and they're always awesome to me they're great guys this dude was giving me a stink guy but you know in his defense it's probably what he's supposed to do yeah you know that's his fucking job and i'm ruining it you know like i'm some hot shots just gonna come in here and sling dick i had another one who uh i did calling and the guy's like all right so you're gonna be on the minute just like you know you got you got a couple jokes ready to go and i was like i guess yeah man and then he's like all right so then they puts me on the guys like hey you're gonna be at the club it's awesome everybody goes see him all right man now before you do your thing we're and have you do your thing right here and I'm like nuh like I'm just going to start going to the act God that's so gross yeah we just talk for a minute and he's like let us you do it's here just go right into Ralphie May's act what else go right in a Ralphie Mays act and tell him that you did it too say Ralphie man I just went right into your act I just started doing you just don't even do yourself make it an inside joke yeah I should do somebody else's material I'll turn into Tom do yeah do on purpose like tell like have an agreement with someone listen if they're in a bad situation and they want me to do my own material I'm going to do it very badly but I'm going to do your stuff do it yeah okay and you make a deal yeah yeah because otherwise it's like what they're supposed to go ahead tell us what do you think it's funny these days man yeah dude and you're like I had a conversation with I'm gonna out of him I don't give a fuck Cheech from Cheech and Chong at a party once and he's like what do you talk about on stage I go all you know whatever whatever I think is interesting you know whatever was going on in my life you know what what are you talking about now like tell me some of your material I go what what What?

[1122] This is what I said to him?

[1123] What?

[1124] What did you say?

[1125] Come on, man. Fuck out of here.

[1126] I'm not telling you my material.

[1127] Yeah.

[1128] This is what I, that's gross.

[1129] Yeah, it is gross.

[1130] You want, you know, if you ever want to come to a show.

[1131] And, well, the thing is, too, like, what are you talking about?

[1132] He kept going, too.

[1133] So what do you come on?

[1134] Tell me what you're talking about.

[1135] This is really what it comes down to, too.

[1136] Like, it's like, all you have to do, if you have a comedy station or whatever, a DJ, is just have the minimum amount, like, feign interest in who's in front of you.

[1137] Like just a little bit, and you can get a conversation going that's going to be interesting and funny.

[1138] And, like, usually if it's somebody famous, like, if you, they go, it's already in their head.

[1139] So they'll be like, I love news radio.

[1140] Or so they'll ask you, like, what about this?

[1141] And they can get something going.

[1142] But if they don't know who you are, they don't recognize you, they sometimes, not all of them, but some of them will literally just be like, so what's up?

[1143] And, like, you're on the air.

[1144] And you're like, that flew in.

[1145] Like, what?

[1146] I'm tired.

[1147] And they're like, do you have any, like, do you want to get into your shit?

[1148] And you're like, just really?

[1149] Like, I'm just going to fucking dance around right now.

[1150] Maybe it's people that just don't understand stand -up.

[1151] I guess, man. It just, it always makes it like, this is like weird.

[1152] And then you leave it.

[1153] Like, that was fucking, that wasn't a promotion for the show.

[1154] That was just awkwardness.

[1155] Yeah, that was really awkward and painful.

[1156] And I don't want anything to do with that again.

[1157] I don't think a lot of those guys that are doing radio want to be doing it that way either.

[1158] There's a lot of them that are stuck with a real format they have to follow.

[1159] Yeah.

[1160] You know, that's a bitch, dude.

[1161] When you're hanging around people and there's shit they can't talk about anymore.

[1162] Yeah.

[1163] It's breaks they have to hit.

[1164] And, you know.

[1165] Yeah.

[1166] But that just sounds like people just suck at radio.

[1167] They do.

[1168] Yeah.

[1169] Some of them do.

[1170] You know, some of them just don't, like, they can, I think if you just look up one thing on somebody, you can be like, what's up with this, dude?

[1171] Well, I think a lot of people are not that interesting.

[1172] Yeah.

[1173] And that's the reality of it.

[1174] They shouldn't really be DJs, but they've worked hard at it.

[1175] And they've pushed themselves into a situation where they're, you know, on TV all the, or on the radio, rather, all the time.

[1176] actually have a little bit of a following and they get a little bit of an ego behind it and they think they're special yeah i'd like to buy a book of just like a thousand people doing their stink eye like different versions of their stink eye because everyone does a little bit different it would have to be a legit stink eye though i know what's your sink eye let me see your stink i don't know you have to say something stupid again i'll give it to you that bitch how about that ready i shaved my balls the other day and i have a mole and i forgot about it and i cut it off is that okay yeah you should probably you'd be okay okay Moles can be cut off, right?

[1177] Well, your balls are probably like a fucking water balloon, and that's going to be a hole where all your loads are going to leak out of.

[1178] Next time you come, it's going to be, like, dust.

[1179] It's one of those big, weird ones that some, you know, people have under their eyes sometimes.

[1180] This is the sun.

[1181] Put a Band -Aid on that bitch, and don't worry about it.

[1182] If it starts to swell up and hurt, go to a doctor.

[1183] Clean it off.

[1184] I just have the one.

[1185] It was like one of those ones that stick out a little, like.

[1186] That's called a wart.

[1187] No, no, no, no, no, no, it's a mole.

[1188] It's a lot of people out of that.

[1189] Yeah, you might want to get it free.

[1190] Look, one in five.

[1191] It's not really.

[1192] It's round.

[1193] Whatever dog.

[1194] That's how it is.

[1195] Get that shit.

[1196] It's gone now.

[1197] It is.

[1198] Most of it's gone or the whole thing?

[1199] I think I cut the whole thing off.

[1200] Damn, man. It didn't hurt.

[1201] That's a commitment.

[1202] It hurt like crazy.

[1203] That seems kind of stupid.

[1204] Did you like halfway cut it off and figure, well, now that I'm here, and why I just pick at it until it looks like symmetrical.

[1205] It was a Gillette sensor.

[1206] Oh, so it sliced it right off?

[1207] Wow.

[1208] Did you get Gillette sensors from, did Callan hook up?

[1209] Yeah, he gave me a whole trunk full.

[1210] Did it really?

[1211] No. Callan's doing a Gillette censor I know it's all over fucking TV That and little Esther in the Bing commercial How are Callan's Jolette Sensor commercials It's just commercial Like fake game show He's like a fake host Oh really?

[1212] He's such a talented guy I'm always confused as to why that guy's not huge Yeah As long as I've known him I'm like some It's gonna be one day Where someone's gonna figure out That Brian Callin's one of the funniest people on the planet Yeah Boom He's gonna be on the huge movies and yeah well he is in some of these little parts right little parts but yeah that guy's so fucking funny he's uh one of the funniest people ever met my life yeah he's really fucking funny man he does uh he's thinking about doing a podcast he's uh on the on the cusp right now isn't he brian did you talk to him about it uh no i've never talked to him about it he's he's eventually gonna do it i know he's perfect for it i think great on that dude's got a mountain of information so i've said not all of it correct but that's all right who does it's fascinating he'll he'll own up to it though he's like oh yeah i fucked up about that one like you know I'll call them on the phone and I said yeah I got a lot of Twitters about some shit you said yeah I fucked up a few of those oh full disclosure I might have fucked up tons of information with the Machu Picchu shit sure so don't email me don't tell me how wrong I was you've been up there you've been up there twice three times have you ever been to any of the mine sites like Chechnisa or no I've only been at Chechnisa but that was enough that was enough to freak me the fuck out it did right what did you think when you first saw that well I've been a huge fan of you know the the and culture and how bizarre they were and how their writing was in this weird sort of hieroglyphs these images that represented.

[1213] I mean, so I'd really gotten into it.

[1214] I read a lot of books about it before I ever went down there.

[1215] And then once I went down there, I was like, this is so incredible.

[1216] You know, it's just hard to believe that these people from, you know, X amount of thousands of years ago created this and then it's still here.

[1217] But the thing that really sealed it for me was I got a guy who was a local professor who was one of the guides.

[1218] and you paid him you know I paid him like whatever it was I gave him like double what he was supposed to make because he was super cool and he takes me on this tour a personal one -on -one tour and we go to all these different spots and he explains what they created this for and what is designed for and he took me to this one spot he's like this is the place where they would do the lusurgic acid that they would take from all these plants and this was like where they would have psychedelic rituals and they probably eat mushrooms he's telling me about all these different things they did like and that's when the whole Mayan thing had pieced together for me because I had just started doing mushrooms.

[1219] I just had like a couple of trips before I'd ever went there.

[1220] So then when I went there and I saw that these people were fucking trippers, I'm like, oh well that had to explain so much.

[1221] I was wondering why would anybody build these crazy geometric patterns that mirror the cosmos and these incredible elaborate stone structures?

[1222] Like what was going on?

[1223] Oh, they were tripping their balls off.

[1224] Do they tell you that too?

[1225] Like he explains you like that.

[1226] He did.

[1227] The professor did.

[1228] Yeah.

[1229] He went into depth about it because I told them that's something I was really interested in.

[1230] And I said, I'm always fascinated by the different ways that ancient cultures altered their state of consciousness, whether it was alcohol or, you know, the peyote for the Indians or whatever.

[1231] And so he also had a lot of knowledge about that particular area.

[1232] So he talked to me in depth about what they believe happened and where this is what they were used for rituals.

[1233] And certain symbols indicate that they use certain different psychedelic plants and mushrooms.

[1234] Fucking, of course, that's what happened.

[1235] I mean, it's, you know, they trip balls.

[1236] Yeah.

[1237] They had some crazy ideas.

[1238] And then it got a little out of hand.

[1239] A little out of hand.

[1240] They always get out of hand, man. Especially those South American fucking cultures.

[1241] It's too hot down there, dude.

[1242] People get wacky, you know?

[1243] Start slicing people over.

[1244] Yeah, you fucking don't drink enough water.

[1245] Next thing you know, you're making a human sacrifice.

[1246] Yeah, that shit's crazy, right?

[1247] Human sacrifice.

[1248] Did a lot of it.

[1249] Like, ritually, yeah.

[1250] You know, there's speculation about that game that they played, you know, that football game, which they believed at one point in time they played with human heads they don't necessarily believe that anymore they believe they may have played some games with human heads but they believe that the winners of the game were the ones who got sacrificed really yeah they don't know I mean there's some speculation everyone tried to lose as much as possible this was at least there there's an amazing National Geographic special on decoding Maya I think it's actually called that decoding Maya about how hard it's been to decode their language and try to figure out the fuck, you know, these guys were talking about.

[1251] It's so complex.

[1252] But, you know, just that alone, you know, it's, all their structures they left behind, the, you know, the amazing sophistication of their culture.

[1253] And yet they're still killing people and sacrificing people.

[1254] And maybe killing the winners.

[1255] Yeah.

[1256] You know, like, what?

[1257] What?

[1258] What were you doing?

[1259] You're the best, man. What were they doing?

[1260] But in a way that makes sense, right?

[1261] Yeah, if they were just fucking.

[1262] tripping balls, hardcore all the time.

[1263] That's what I think it might.

[1264] It almost like, that is what would happen.

[1265] What would happen to a society if you were just fucking tripping your balls out all the time?

[1266] Well, you would make these incredible pyramids and you would keep making them doper and doper like Chechnica.

[1267] And Chechnica is amazing, man. It's just incredible.

[1268] One structure after another, and mind -blowing shit.

[1269] And then you would start playing football with human heads and, you know, you would just go deep.

[1270] And you would want to kill people because you would know that they would go to the next place and the next place would be amazing because you've already been there because you're tripping balls so like you're tripping balls while you're cutting someone's beating heart out you're watching them as you're tripping your balls off you're watching them transfer into the next dimension yeah come on yeah too much mushrooms that's what we can live awake at night that's ridiculous but look man if you look at all these different things that are here these the chichenitsas though you know the gobeckli tepli and in Turkey all these different things that are here that show that there's been all these different ancient, ancient civilizations that existed for so long.

[1271] I wonder how many of them were inspired by drugs.

[1272] I wonder how many of them were inspired by some dude who picked something up, ate it, and had this fucking crazy freaky idea.

[1273] Here's what we got to do.

[1274] We're building a city up here in the mountains.

[1275] We probably lost contact with all that shit.

[1276] And things are nice and easy now so we don't need psychedelic drugs to try to figure out the world anymore.

[1277] At least we don't think we do.

[1278] That's probably what the fuck's is going on.

[1279] That's probably why this world's falling apart.

[1280] If we could write it somehow, that would be the way.

[1281] Just a massive mushroom day.

[1282] Do you know how much a mushroom day would do for this world?

[1283] A national mushroom day would change America forever.

[1284] Forever.

[1285] We just had one day.

[1286] If we had a national mushroom day where they opened up places where people could buy mushrooms and they had medical staff waiting 24 hours a day for people who were freaking out and, you know, you signed up and you went in.

[1287] into these, you know, fucking bunk rooms and everyone took it together and everyone was cool.

[1288] And they had security around, a lot of people that weren't high.

[1289] That's the whole thing you want to know, right?

[1290] It's like, you want to be told everything's going to be all right.

[1291] That would be cool, except for like 75 % of the population probably suck.

[1292] A lot of people would freak out.

[1293] A lot of people would freak out.

[1294] But, man, the people who didn't freak out would, even if they did freak out, they'd probably learn something from it.

[1295] And everybody would come back with a reinvigorated sense of who we are and how we interface with each other on this planet.

[1296] How, no doubt about that?

[1297] How many times have you done it?

[1298] Have you done a lot?

[1299] Seven, seven times?

[1300] Mushrooms?

[1301] Yeah, and both being DMT and mushrooms, both about the same times.

[1302] You, how about you a lot?

[1303] Hundreds.

[1304] Hundreds?

[1305] I mean, I've been doing it since I was 15.

[1306] Yeah, he's the worst poster boy ever for mushrooms, right?

[1307] This motherfucker.

[1308] He's just like the Mayans.

[1309] Do you worship plume serpents?

[1310] No. No?

[1311] That's crazy, man. That's a lot.

[1312] I've never done that.

[1313] Well, I used to do acid a lot, but then I started doing, I switched just to mushrooms It's like I was doing Marlboro's, but I went to Marlboro lights.

[1314] I switched to just mushrooms, you know.

[1315] That's how I took my non -reality.

[1316] Yeah, man. I was thinking about doing it in Montana when I was there last weekend, but that's like, that'd be a place to do it.

[1317] Bad ass, but there's too many.

[1318] There was people there, by the way, I didn't even tell you about this yet.

[1319] There was at the hotel, there was these two guys on motorcycles, and they had like this little girl that was like four years old, and they were like checking in and I was like behind them.

[1320] So they're riding on a motorcycle with a four -year -old?

[1321] Yeah, it was weird, man. you could do that right if you were in charge of a four -year -old you could probably take them on a butt I don't know if that's legal yeah and so they go in the hotel and they're like yeah we need a bedroom and they're like how many beds and they're just like one and then that's like wait there's two guys and a little girl yeah and I'm like okay you know that's all I can afford no I mean beds I mean yeah oh you could get a yeah doesn't it doesn't it cost more money for a room or two beds usually I don't think it does but whatever but and then later I saw them again and they were like in the pool one of the guys it was in the pool with the little girl and he goes you're I'm the best uncle ever right there daughter or deer and I'm like is he saying that louder on purposes because I'm walking by or something it was the most awkward it was just really awkward you thought he was putting on a show like you call his uncle and then he's really yeah it was it was it was really awkward anyway so then I was like you know what I'm not gonna eat mushrooms here I'm just gonna yeah I think you need to be really aware of your environment yeah start fucking so if you already have like some thoughts going on that are like yeah negative or something that's too well I think this is how I would recommend you go about it number one fucking if if anybody wants to do anything psychedelic if you wanted to have like a guideline of how to have a psychedelic experience number one plan on doing it that's number one say you're going to give yourself X amount of time and then you're going to do it and in between that take care of your health eat good foods don't eat anything fast up fast the day you do it though fast the day you do it but keep your body clean like you'll feel better do some yoga do some yoga like the day before you do any sort of a psychedelic experience if you can do it for a couple days you know a week for like two weeks and then have the experience you want to be relaxed you want to be as calm and as at peace with yourself and then I would recommend if you can get to a tank and do do an isolation tank really yes tripping balls and find your because you can find yourself in the tank and then when you meet yourself when you're on mushrooms you won't be shocking because you already you'd already found yourself in the tank you're like okay here I am again Okay, but this time I'm ready for this, and I'm going to skate through this.

[1322] I'm going to realize what this is all about.

[1323] Because in the tank, you could always just stop it.

[1324] You can't stop the mushroom trip.

[1325] In the tank, if you're freaking out in the tank, you can just open your eyes, stand up and get out, and you're sober like that.

[1326] It's instantaneous because it's all, it's a natural psychedelic experience, and your body can snap right back to normal consciousness.

[1327] So you mean not tripping, just tank.

[1328] Just tank.

[1329] Tank by itself is a trip.

[1330] You don't need to do anything.

[1331] Smong, a little bit, two hits is all you need.

[1332] go in that tank and shh boom you've done it you've done the tank right no never it's a pussy no he's got no balls you don't want to try that cut his balls with a razor they train it out honestly to me it seems like i would probably enjoy it but it's like i get i get the idea in my head and i'm like yeah i'm sure it'll be relaxing and nice i've talked about it too much and now it's it's fucked and he'll never be able to go into it because he gets in there and just be thinking about me talking yeah i do one head will pop in my face now go to you hey buddy do a ton of me I didn't take you on a tour I want to try that.

[1333] I'll try that.

[1334] You should try it a long time ago.

[1335] You should definitely try.

[1336] Then once you do that, then you're prepared.

[1337] Then you're going to prepare yourself.

[1338] Have a couple tank experiences.

[1339] Then jump into the wonderful world of mushrooms.

[1340] But not until then.

[1341] Prepare yourself.

[1342] And that's the problem, man. That's the problem with it being illegal.

[1343] If that shit was legal, we could open up centers and we could fix people.

[1344] We could help a lot of people.

[1345] Not we.

[1346] Not me. I'm not opening up shit.

[1347] Don't ask me. No, I'm not joining your business.

[1348] No. No, not a limited L .L. See, no, no, I ain't got no time.

[1349] I mean, we as in the human race.

[1350] There was a lot of shrooms, I think.

[1351] I was in Asheville, North Carolina.

[1352] There was a lot of shrooms up there.

[1353] A lot of shrooms there.

[1354] That's a good place for schumann.

[1355] Yeah, man. And there was, this is, I had a great, I did the Asheville Comedy Festival this past weekend.

[1356] Oh, this past weekend?

[1357] This past weekend.

[1358] Really?

[1359] I didn't even know they had a comedy festival.

[1360] Who are you up there with?

[1361] It was called Laugh your Asheville off is the name of the festival.

[1362] It's clever play on words.

[1363] By the way, I'm taking my alpha brainwave formula right now.

[1364] Oh, shit.

[1365] I take three.

[1366] These are this, these are our brain pills.

[1367] They're a super brain pulse.

[1368] I didn't take them earlier.

[1369] That's why I sound so stupid.

[1370] By the way, Chris is coming into town next month.

[1371] He's not Chris anymore.

[1372] I know.

[1373] He changed his name to Aubrey.

[1374] See?

[1375] Who?

[1376] We can show you positive and negative examples of drugs.

[1377] I'm a much nicer person because of drugs.

[1378] Me, I'm much nicer, much more introspective.

[1379] But, you know, Brian's done mushrooms a hundred times and listen to him talk.

[1380] And then you got our friend Chris, who changed his name to Aubrey.

[1381] Yeah.

[1382] After he had some ayahuasca experiences.

[1383] Seriously?

[1384] Peru.

[1385] Yeah.

[1386] My man went, deep, deep, deep into the jungles of the mind, to the point where he wanted to stop being the person who he was.

[1387] So he changed his fucking name.

[1388] Shazam.

[1389] Did you see the alpha brain formula?

[1390] It's coming out soon.

[1391] Did he send you the pictures of, I think it's like the end of hangover credits.

[1392] Don't say that.

[1393] Don't talk about that.

[1394] What is that?

[1395] This is my shit that we're going to be selling.

[1396] It's neutropics and what it is.

[1397] And we're going to be, we're done with this.

[1398] He's coming the end of July.

[1399] Or, yeah.

[1400] End of July, early August.

[1401] And then we're going to, it'll launch right after that.

[1402] But what it is is, it's basically the highest level brain nutrients that we could find, mixed them all together.

[1403] And Chris, excuse me, Aubrey, worked very hard on this formula and tweaked it.

[1404] And, you know, it's basically all the information's available online.

[1405] And all this stuff is available.

[1406] It's good for you.

[1407] Yeah, we don't have anything.

[1408] There's nothing in here that you can't buy individually.

[1409] So, I mean, if you can't afford this or if, you know, you want to try it yourself, you can always just find out what the ingredients are and go replicate it yourself.

[1410] But what we've done is we put it all.

[1411] all together into one pill form and you take it and it does something i don't know exactly what you could say it does but it makes you feel sharper really it's your brain fire better oh for sure it makes me feel less tired when i have um jet lag when i check into hotels i take three of them as soon as i land and i always feel much better i feel much more relaxed when i wake up it's weird dude my dreams are insane wait that's why i had my arnold sworetsinger dream yeah take this too yeah I don't know what revision that one is This is the newest of the newest Okay I'm on the I had the first revision Dude stuff is amazing What's it called again Well we have Let me see what we're calling it right now It's alpha He's calling it alpha But it's on it lab It's on it dot com Or on it labs Is it on it labs?

[1412] Yeah I think it's just on it dot com Maybe Hold on But they also make a product called roll on and roll off When I do shrooms I do roan before I do shirms And then the next day I do roll it It's to balance out your neurochemistry yeah it's on it dot com balance out your fucking brain juice yeah so um I think we just crashed this server but did we yeah shit so um oh but Asheville back to Asheville great uh it was just it was it's a really cool festival because it's you know it's smaller than like the big festivals are just they're fun they're really well run but they're massive you know they're massive right huge things where it's like you you know there's countless shows going on and then everything is like you you almost lose kind of you know sense of where you are and like where am I supposed to be right right right and this is small and it's the fifth year they did it you've been to Montreal that's the biggest one right yeah well I did Melbourne a few months ago is that bigger that is I think so really it's huge huge I heard that a lot of the international guys are really bad uh I mean I did see that many shows I saw like because I was doing shows so I was like you know we check out some shows I didn't even hear that I'm just talking shit oh you really I just want to see if you talk some shit I'm trying to pull you into a shit talk man I always root for people in other countries to be hilarious yeah no I saw some really funny I saw this Irish dude fuck I forget his name who was hilarious and it didn't put on a traditional stand -up show it was more like you know a performance right um like in what sense uh just that like he He brought people on stage and he would do shit, but he was just genuinely funny, like a funny guy.

[1413] And, like, you know, like, he, like, music cues would come on.

[1414] He'd fucking...

[1415] Scottish seemed to have a good sense of humor.

[1416] Great sense of humor, yeah.

[1417] Like that Billy Connolly guy.

[1418] He's a solid stand -up.

[1419] Australians were, they were all, the crowds were great.

[1420] Everybody was great.

[1421] Do you ever feel like English comics get extra props because their accent?

[1422] Like, there's certain dudes that get, like, extra credit?

[1423] Yeah, sure.

[1424] And I also feel like they give themselves extra credit it for being clever like they'll kind of be like you didn't get that dumb shit well that was a fucking brilliant thing that I just said I like Stuart Lee do you know he is the English guy some interesting stuff very funny stuff yeah but I always wonder like how would that translate in America because he has this really slow style that sort of depends on everyone paying attention and everyone being polite you know there's more of that in the audiences like definitely in Australia where like at least at these festival shows where you get like a very polite listening audience.

[1425] England's very polite.

[1426] Even the rowdy people in England are polite.

[1427] Yeah.

[1428] You know, I've had some shows where people are yelling out crazy shit, but they were polite in how they were doing it.

[1429] Yeah.

[1430] Yeah, yeah.

[1431] I'm doing Birmingham.

[1432] You should go home, Yank, please.

[1433] They weren't that bad.

[1434] No one was being mean.

[1435] They were just yelling shit out.

[1436] But I'm doing Birmingham, just trying to figure out the date.

[1437] So I'm going to do it with Doug Benson.

[1438] And, yeah, it's a UFC in Birmingham.

[1439] So we're going to book something.

[1440] England.

[1441] In England, yeah, in November.

[1442] I did that.

[1443] I did Birmingham with Russell Peters.

[1444] Yeah, Birmingham's awesome.

[1445] I did that a while.

[1446] That was his tune -up show.

[1447] For 7 ,500 people.

[1448] His tune -up show?

[1449] That was the warm -up for the arena.

[1450] Did you do the O2 arena with him?

[1451] Yeah.

[1452] Holy shit.

[1453] Yeah, yeah.

[1454] We warmed up for 7 ,000.

[1455] Russell Peters is the biggest stand -up comic in the world, and people don't even realize that.

[1456] They don't even realize it.

[1457] I know a lot of people that have no idea who he is, and it's crazy to me. I'm like, you don't know who Russell Peters is.

[1458] Like, you've never heard that name.

[1459] Like, you go to another country and you say that name.

[1460] You go, you know, like put his name on the Staples Center or whatever.

[1461] It'll fucking sell out.

[1462] 18 ,000 seats will sell out.

[1463] Dude, I think, did I tell you?

[1464] I told somebody that, like, you know, his audience was really nice.

[1465] At O2, especially, was like, he's packed the O2 arena to tell jokes, right?

[1466] Right.

[1467] And you have, you do, I did like 20 minutes, and set goes well, and you get laughs.

[1468] And you're like, this is amazing.

[1469] You finished.

[1470] and they give you like a nice applaud and then you think you have a gauge for how loud that's gonna be you know what I mean like when you're in a club and you hit a punch on you're like that wow and then if you really kill you're like so that's how like it can get loud and like you gauge how loud that is I thought that because I had gotten laughs during my set like well that's what it'll sound like man when they said they he had an intro to him coming on stage and the intro was pre -recorded by Michael Buffer okay the ring announcer right who and he does like let's get like a whole buildup that place fucking exploded like they were like the Beatles are alive and they're here and like and you guys are going to see them for one show only screaming that made all the hair on your next and up goosebumps and you're like like you crouch because the noise is overwhelming it was that it was like they said fucking jesus has walked into the building i'm going to ask bruce puffer to introduce me on my next special how tight is that I feel like I've got to have Joey Diaz do it because Joey Diaz has done everything that I've ever done except for my Houston CD that I recorded in 99.

[1471] Joey Diaz has introduced me to.

[1472] It doesn't get much better than that.

[1473] I bypass the comedy works in Denver.

[1474] I love you, but you won't put Joey Diaz on the menu.

[1475] What?

[1476] So I'm doing the, I'm doing a theater in, where am I doing?

[1477] Just put it up today.

[1478] It's on your website and Twitter.

[1479] It's not on you stream, son.

[1480] it's um we're doing a theater in um uh denver colorado the paramount theater night and joey dyes can finally do it every time i've gone to uh to the comedy works in denver joey can't work the comedy works you have some sort of a disagreement with somebody yeah back in the day unfortunately so i know i hid my weed at the comedy works we could always go back there okay can we go back just for like two minutes yeah we can do a set maybe a late night sat sat sat saturday night that's possible i'll be there in a couple weeks i'll grab before.

[1481] No, I won't be at that club.

[1482] I'll be in a different club.

[1483] I'll be at the Denver Improv, but I'll go over there and grab you.

[1484] I'll find out who's there.

[1485] 923 Denver Comedy Works.

[1486] We could find out who's there, and if they're cool, we can hang with them.

[1487] Yeah, that'd be cool.

[1488] When do you guys go?

[1489] The Denver one is going to be in September 23rd.

[1490] Okay.

[1491] It should be fun.

[1492] Denver's fucking awesome.

[1493] But I'm going to get nostalgic.

[1494] I'm going to want to move there again.

[1495] Then I'm going to start getting apocalyptic.

[1496] Fucking worry about.

[1497] stocking up on water and shit and hunting elk that's what happens that was a crazy place i saw your place i get a yeah you went up there with me that was crazy man did you did you think i was crazy for moving there no what did you think when you went up there though it had to be a weird i mean someone says hey come on i'm gonna take you on a ride to the top of a mountain down a dirt road this is where i'm gonna sleep with my kids at night i thought like my real reaction was this is awesome i wish i was in a position i could do something like that was my genuine i didn't see it as like what the fuck is he doing i was like oh man i wish i could fucking do this too that's honestly how I felt there's two types of people there's people that thought that way like me and then there's people thought like what the fuck are you doing I thought it was really cool but I'm also like kind of antisocial like personally and like I'm I'm I like speech kind of isolation and privacy yeah yeah yeah yeah well I think the move is you got to have both you know and I think with one of the reasons why a guy like you or a guy like I might want to have some peace and quiet alone is because performing can be kind of overwhelming sometimes.

[1498] Yeah, I think you're right.

[1499] Being in front of giant groups of people requires this intense amount of energy and concentration.

[1500] And then, you know, then there's also like meet and greets, you know, after the shows where it's like, you know, I want to say hi to everybody.

[1501] I want to, but then I want nothing.

[1502] Yeah.

[1503] I want complete quiet.

[1504] And I like just to sit on a fucking tree, you know, a fallen tree and look over at a lake and fucking go fishing.

[1505] Love it.

[1506] I don't want to hear shit, man. I don't want to answer questions about when is Anderson Silva going to fight fucking this guy I don't want to hear shit dude I just want to watch the water ripple I want to recharge I want to relax I get that my wife because my wife's a comic too like we turn down social invitations almost 100 % of the time because we both perform and we get home we're like this is awesome we're just going to sit here on the couch this is great and then people like no but this thing is going to be awesome and we're like yeah but I don't want to go yeah I'm the same way I don't want to go that your house reminded me of something you would see on a trapper keeper.

[1507] Like I remember how amazing the photos.

[1508] I never got to see it, but the photos you sing, I was like, Jesus, that's this, dude, his place was amazing.

[1509] It was a trip, dude.

[1510] It was amazing.

[1511] The view was incredible.

[1512] The view off the back.

[1513] There was that walk that we went on, and that lady, she was such a cool lady that owned the place.

[1514] Yeah.

[1515] I really liked that lady.

[1516] She was awesome.

[1517] And she was really into yoga.

[1518] And then she was like, here I stand and like the sun hit it.

[1519] She had like a wooden thing, and she was like, I just sit here and And, you know, you have to give thanks.

[1520] Give thanks.

[1521] But, like, I wasn't all into necessarily doing that, but I loved, like, being able to walk out there, stand on the side of a mountain.

[1522] It's awesome.

[1523] You just stand, like, trees and, oh, it's so cool.

[1524] That's where people are supposed to be.

[1525] You're supposed to, at some point in time, be there and relax and kind of look at it and reset your perspective when you enter into the hive again.

[1526] When you're in the hive, like, we're in the hive right now.

[1527] You know, even though we're kind of relaxed up here and it's kind of quiet where I live, there's still millions of people in this area whether or not you realize it you're feeling that you know you're hearing cars move you're you're that has an impact on you you're breathing it yeah you're breathing it for sure that has a big impact and one of the things that I learned from that fucking isolation tank is that the more you can remove the more you can see things clear and removing things and distractions and bad things from your environment when you have all these things in your environment and they're just there all the time.

[1528] You don't ever think of removing them.

[1529] People who live in New York City, they love it.

[1530] I love the action.

[1531] I love the sound.

[1532] I love this city.

[1533] It's amazing city.

[1534] You don't realize that city is bombarding you with sensory input, bombarding you with information that you have to process all the time.

[1535] Some people enjoy that, and it actually keeps them going.

[1536] But to you really get a fresh sense of who you are and what life is, and just look at it at a one -degree different angle.

[1537] Just get to the woods, man. Yeah.

[1538] Get to the shore.

[1539] You can walk along the ocean.

[1540] Stare out at that never -ending water.

[1541] Just put, you need some form of visible nature to humble yourself.

[1542] You know?

[1543] And in California, that's one of the reasons why people are such fucking twats.

[1544] There's no weather you have to deal with ever.

[1545] It's just beautiful out here all the time.

[1546] It's sunny.

[1547] It fucking hardly ever rains.

[1548] When it does, it rains for a day.

[1549] You know, it might rain 10 days a year.

[1550] You know, I mean, what's the most?

[1551] 20, 20 out of 365?

[1552] It doesn't fucking rain very often, man. We don't have to deal with wind.

[1553] We don't have to deal with shit.

[1554] Occasionally something lights on fire.

[1555] But that's why people are such cunts out here.

[1556] Because you need nature in your face.

[1557] You need a thunderstorm, man. You need something like that to really like put it in perspective.

[1558] Man, I need to be a little more humble about my position here.

[1559] Yeah.

[1560] Okay.

[1561] I'm just a little tiny little organism cling to this giant thing hurling through the galaxy.

[1562] You know, and the best way, in my opinion, to feel that is to be somewhere, natural just interact with the earth somewhere where you can see a fucking forest somewhere where you could see the ocean and see the fucking water that goes on as far as you can see it's water and it's deep as fuck and all that has to do is the earth moves and then a wave 100 feet high comes flying at you 50 miles an hour and fucking jacks you know it's it changes the way you feel fuck yeah it does i did uh i went to sun valley idaho this winter that was amazing man oh yeah gorgeous man oh my god that like that like you literally area out there with the lakes like cordillane and all that and then there's there's these beautiful mountains covered snow then there's huge trees and you just you go holy shit yeah just everything's like yeah it changes the whole yeah your fucking whole physical being like tunes into it you know and then you you relax more I wish I could have a house here yeah the next thought you have yeah yeah we have uh some friends that keep a summer house on the on the lake out there and they're always talking about how amazing And they're in the clothing business So they're like real You know hustle bustle Real always constantly on the go And then they go there and just Imagine decompressing Imagine doing like a crazy tour Yeah Where you just do like 60s And then you get down You're like I'm gonna go Selling the lake The husband's done He wants to move up there He's like fuck this fucking crazy town He wants to move up there Yeah Yeah but they have this giant business They make like shit loads of money Selling clothes So they really can't just abandon everything They have like a high lifestyle out the support.

[1563] You know, but meanwhile, they just want to just relax by the water, man. Everybody wants that fucking feeling of retiring somewhere, but you don't realize that that is very close to death.

[1564] Yeah.

[1565] You've kind of based, at least a lot of people have, who they are on what they do, what they do for a living, what they do for work, how they interact with people and feel useful.

[1566] And as soon as you, like, slide away from that and just stay by yourself, it takes a very, a very different mindset to enjoy that without starting to get depressed and start feeling that you're dying.

[1567] and it's the end of the line for you, you know?

[1568] Yeah, yeah, because that is, it really is putting the brakes on when you move somewhere, right?

[1569] But maybe you're opening up to something else, because you're, instead of like your drive being for accomplishing more of work, like maybe you're just becoming a different type of person.

[1570] Yeah.

[1571] You're still doing some type of work, I'm saying.

[1572] Yeah.

[1573] But you're putting work into yourself more.

[1574] Well, if you could figure out how to Hunter S. Thompson in it, how to just live up there and then travel in whenever you wanted and then interact with the people and then head back out to your shelter.

[1575] Where would he live?

[1576] We lived in Woody Creek in Colorado.

[1577] Colorado is near Aspen, really more remote even sort of than I was living because Aspen's trickier to get to, you know, you fly right into Denver, you drive an hour, you're in Boulder, you drive 20 minutes, you're in the mountains.

[1578] I mean, it's that, it's that easy.

[1579] It's literally you're an hour and 20 minutes from your car to where I lived.

[1580] That's not hard at all, you know, and you're in the fucking woods.

[1581] Yeah.

[1582] You know, where he was is a lot more difficult.

[1583] You had to fly in to Aspen, and Aspen's like a little tiny.

[1584] ass airport rather and it doesn't um it's not a good one either it's a funky one because it's like nestled in between mountains and sometimes people crash like i know they reroute you all the time too yeah yeah they rerouted us when we did the aspen comedy festival yeah they said the winds are too high and there's too much snow we don't want to slam into a fucking mountain that we can't see they didn't have to worry about that they did the christina this year when she went there they yeah yeah i did that for sun valley they're like that airport's not working yeah fuck get on the bus and drive the wind gets wacky up there man I knew a dude who lost his friends they were in a private jet and they were headed out to aspen there were high rollers in the movie business these guys were like super ballers and they fucking were making millions and slammed into a mountain exploded that you had like if you were to get like it seems like the worst thing is crashing in a private jet like let's do the fucking private jet shit man and you just you're putting up crazy money that's how a lot of you're flying luxury and then your fucking private jet crashes you're like I paid 60 grand for this flight and it crashed into the fucking mountain it's yeah private jet is the ultimate ridiculous indulgence yeah it's like what does it cost to fly to Vegas cost like if you want to go first class like a thousand bucks or two thousand bucks at the most yeah I would think more than the thousand because it's pretty short flight the most expensive that you can pay for and if you wanted to go coach it's like a couple hundred bucks right yeah you can even go southwest for like 150 bucks or something crazy or you could spend 15 ,000 and go in a private jet.

[1585] And then there's all the, there's all the qualifications of jet.

[1586] Yeah.

[1587] A small jet, mid -sized jet.

[1588] How about propeller planes?

[1589] Propeller planes.

[1590] The really luxurious propeller planes.

[1591] We've got you a nice Cessna.

[1592] Live like your fucking Ernest Hemingway flying a Cuba.

[1593] Then like they're the ultimate craziest status is like what Oprah has, which is a Boeing.

[1594] An airline?

[1595] A Boeing business jet.

[1596] So it's actually a converted like 747.

[1597] or a 7777.

[1598] Is that what she has?

[1599] Yeah, where they strip out the entire fucking 60 rows.

[1600] And they have an Air Force One style.

[1601] Like entertainment area, bedroom.

[1602] That's what Oprah has?

[1603] Joe, have you ever been to the Ronald Reagan Museum here?

[1604] That's crazy right.

[1605] No, never been that.

[1606] You should go there, get really baked and go to the Ronald Reagan Museum.

[1607] They have an Air Force One there, and it's so amazing, like, walking through this white.

[1608] Where is it?

[1609] It's like in Calabasasas, Thousand Oaks, somewhere around there.

[1610] Somewhere around there, yeah.

[1611] Okay, yeah, it's out north.

[1612] Is it, um, did they actually have a plane that you can step into?

[1613] Like, it's outside?

[1614] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[1615] It's a real Air Force point.

[1616] You go, it's inside a warehouse and you get to walk through the whole thing.

[1617] And they put, like, little, it was Ronald Reagan's, and they put, like, little jelly beans, you know, on his desk, because he liked jelly beans.

[1618] But does it have a, um, one of those little escape pods when you climb in it and then they hit the parachute and he fucking, the plane falls apart and he escapes.

[1619] I can't remember, but it was pimp.

[1620] Do they have those?

[1621] The what, I'm sorry?

[1622] You weren't even paying attention.

[1623] No, I was reading.

[1624] I was like Star Wars.

[1625] I was reading.

[1626] Okay.

[1627] Did they have like, remember how like, I know at least in some movies, Air Force One had like an escape pod, the president's time of the pod, and it would like, hell, you know, a parachute would deploy or a jet.

[1628] I think that's Star Wars.

[1629] Is that bullshit?

[1630] Is that bullshit?

[1631] I think that's bullshit.

[1632] So if the plane crashes, he's fucked.

[1633] Yeah.

[1634] Yeah.

[1635] They can't save the president?

[1636] I believe.

[1637] People would get mad.

[1638] They'd go, why can you save the president?

[1639] You can't save my little Billy.

[1640] I always wonder why they couldn't have fucking parachutes.

[1641] That's a last resort somewhere on the plane, just in case if there's a little.

[1642] Johnny B said it past.

[1643] He goes, Why can't they have a parachute for the whole fucking plane?

[1644] That's what he said.

[1645] It's high as fuck.

[1646] How about this, bro?

[1647] How about this, bro?

[1648] I can fucking solve airplane crashes.

[1649] What happens?

[1650] The plane breaks in the sky.

[1651] Oh, you got a parachute.

[1652] He used to drift to the ground.

[1653] Why can't they do that?

[1654] Yeah.

[1655] He goes, what does it cost?

[1656] How much is a fucking parachute?

[1657] You cheap pricks.

[1658] You can't even afford a fucking parachute?

[1659] It makes so much sense, doesn't it?

[1660] No, it doesn't.

[1661] It doesn't make sense at all.

[1662] It doesn't make sense at all because the weight of the parachute combined with the weight of the fucking plane.

[1663] You'd probably run out of gas halfway to Idaho The shit would fall apart Be all out of whack The Boeing business jets range and costs From 47 million to $310 million And you know she didn't get the cheap one Oprah's a baller sign Bluetooth Right now she's got ladies around her all the time Filing her nails One on each toe They're all white girls too All white girls under 120 pounds It's all she asked for I want only white workers 120 pounds or lighter Skinny girls Kick a toe.

[1664] And that's what she wants.

[1665] The skinniest, prettiest girls to clean her toes and feet.

[1666] Why she's talking about her fucking $300 million jet, but she's converted into a disco.

[1667] It's fucking nuts, right?

[1668] Do you think Oprah's gay?

[1669] Do I?

[1670] No. You don't?

[1671] Really?

[1672] You don't consider it at all?

[1673] That's the rumor, right?

[1674] I think she's gay for that gay.

[1675] For Gayle, I think she's more asexual and just a power -hungry, egomaniac.

[1676] Really?

[1677] Yeah.

[1678] Totally.

[1679] You don't think she hires chicks to come over in her box?

[1680] She might.

[1681] I don't know.

[1682] How much do you think that would cost?

[1683] Just say yes.

[1684] You just play for his.

[1685] Tell me yes.

[1686] Yeah.

[1687] How much do you pay a girl?

[1688] I think so.

[1689] To come over and eat Oprah's box.

[1690] I think she probably has a flat rate.

[1691] I mean, she's like, listen, you know, you can work at Wendy's.

[1692] They don't pay much.

[1693] Or you can eat my box.

[1694] 10 G's.

[1695] Yeah.

[1696] 10 Gs?

[1697] Sure.

[1698] Think about 10 G's to pop.

[1699] Yep.

[1700] 10 Gs for a 20 -minute session.

[1701] Yeah.

[1702] And that girl, that's all she does.

[1703] and she just works for Oprah every couple of days.

[1704] But she has, like, a little thing that she's like, I'll give you a little extra if you make the pussy pop.

[1705] Like she has a little, like a little tag on it for.

[1706] And the girl's like, what's that mean?

[1707] Do you think her pussy be yanking?

[1708] You think she calls it a pussy?

[1709] Yeah, for sure.

[1710] Yeah.

[1711] Pussy be, yeah.

[1712] Really?

[1713] You think she talks to her?

[1714] Stank box.

[1715] I think she looks.

[1716] Or stank box?

[1717] Because, you know, sometimes when she gets like, she gets back to her old southern roots and she'll be like, girl, you know, this shit is, it shouldn't say shit, but like, this is delicious, girl.

[1718] Like, she'll really play.

[1719] it up i think when she's in bed she's probably like get that pussy get it i guarantee you if you could encapsulate the smell of an Oprah winfrey post binge diarrhea blast because you know she must go on a binge oh she drops heat she gets she gets heavy bro some shit goes down she got real skinny for a while and then she just plumps up and there's some eating going on there son there's a lot of stress and that's how she if you could encapsulate it into like a something you could open and smell her shit yeah i guarantee you people would buy it yeah they'd be fascinated people are I love grape juice.

[1720] For a certain amount of money, if you, as long as you made it reasonable, if you said, smell Oprah's shit for $1, you would make millions.

[1721] Yeah.

[1722] It's all it costs, like a buck?

[1723] That's not, that's not that much.

[1724] It's not that much.

[1725] It would be more than, yeah.

[1726] Would you do it?

[1727] Yeah.

[1728] You might make five, six million bucks off that product.

[1729] Sure.

[1730] Why do we do it?

[1731] Why can't they encapsulate record smells, the way they record sound and visual?

[1732] It's just because there's not that much of a demand for it.

[1733] It seems like they should be able to do that by now.

[1734] Like, they should be able to put it a smell into some sort of a reusable medium.

[1735] You know, visual medium is like they can record video.

[1736] You can watch that video.

[1737] It gets in through your eyes.

[1738] You know, why can't they record a smell?

[1739] Yeah.

[1740] You know?

[1741] I mean, because you've ever done the, like, the film capsule thing?

[1742] You've done that before?

[1743] What's that?

[1744] Like the 35 millimeter film cart, you know, the little black thing.

[1745] Mm -hmm.

[1746] Farting it.

[1747] And then you...

[1748] Encapsulate it?

[1749] Yeah, you can close it?

[1750] That fart will stay in there.

[1751] No way.

[1752] Yes, it will.

[1753] Yes, it will.

[1754] He's so confident.

[1755] I would bet on him.

[1756] I've experimented with cups and...

[1757] Jars?

[1758] You can do it with jars, too.

[1759] I've tried.

[1760] I've tried.

[1761] You tried with a kiddie fart cup.

[1762] No. And you also didn't fart.

[1763] Like, you gotta really be into farting.

[1764] I am.

[1765] You really did it?

[1766] I farted on Christina the other day when you were there.

[1767] Did you really?

[1768] Yes.

[1769] We were all walking out of the office and I just trailed her whole leg the whole time.

[1770] Damn, dude.

[1771] Why did you fart on his wife?

[1772] Don't fart on my wife?

[1773] That's so rude.

[1774] It's disrespectful, man. You can't be farting on dude's wife.

[1775] My daughter farts on me all the time.

[1776] We're watching TV shows there.

[1777] she's sitting in my lap and she just starts farting three -year -olds don't give a fuck but you just laugh at that's just fart i mean she goes yeah and that's just farts on you that's got to be the only time yeah that it's acceptable or cute right is like your daughter you're like yeah you know right it is what it is you know i got a i got a i got to wipe her butt still make sure it's done right i got a flusher logs yeah if a baby's a log a three -year -old baby if your log was in proportionate it would be the size of your fucking thigh oh yeah because they have big old shits still.

[1778] Giant shits.

[1779] Yeah.

[1780] They eat so much.

[1781] No. Kids are always hungry.

[1782] So they just fucking pack that food and it comes out like a grown -up shit.

[1783] Yeah.

[1784] And you try to do the math.

[1785] Like, that's ridiculous.

[1786] I love taking shit.

[1787] You're going to have a little Tommy running around you and Christina?

[1788] I want to, yeah.

[1789] Shoot some live rounds in there and get the party rolling?

[1790] Definitely at some point.

[1791] I definitely want kids.

[1792] How old is she right now?

[1793] Great couple.

[1794] She is 35.

[1795] That's when you've got to start thinking about it.

[1796] You got to start thinking about, you know, your, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, your window.

[1797] I don't know what the window is for a kid to be healthy, but we're going to get on it.

[1798] Yeah, we're going to get on it.

[1799] Come on it, son.

[1800] Film it too.

[1801] Yeah.

[1802] I should film the whole thing, the porn.

[1803] Yeah.

[1804] Right up to it.

[1805] Oh, yeah.

[1806] It could be a new reality show.

[1807] By the time your kid is born, that will be Pass A. Kim Kardashian will have already had like a cervix reality show.

[1808] Kim Kardashian's new show is going to be a microchip little camera where you can just see the black dicks going in one after the other.

[1809] That's the whole show.

[1810] The whole show.

[1811] is a 24 -hour internet cam inside her pussy.

[1812] It's all Wi -Fied and it, and it's all hooked up.

[1813] Look, you would pay for that.

[1814] Would you pay for that?

[1815] Yes.

[1816] If that was on the Playboy Channel, if they agreed, if a girl agreed to do it, please someone out there steal this idea.

[1817] Get a girl who looks like Kim Kardashian, pretend it's Kim Kardashian, lie to me. Say this may or may not be Kim Kardashian's pussy.

[1818] And get a girl to put a 24 -hour webcam inside her box.

[1819] Somebody stole an idea for me the other day.

[1820] day, by the way.

[1821] Really?

[1822] How do you know?

[1823] It could be parallel thinking.

[1824] For years, I've said, and I even said it just last week on a podcast, but I sit on one of your old, old podcasts, I can't remember, that I had this idea called snail mail, and where I thought about it when my grandmother was still alive, that she doesn't have a computer, but I wanted to be able to, like, write an email and then send it to a company, and that company would write it out and send her, like, a handwritten letter.

[1825] You know, so it would be easy for me to write letters to my grandmother for a charge.

[1826] The other day, I had a Freddie Lockhart podcast and I talked about it.

[1827] And then yesterday, gizmodo .com said this artist guy did that.

[1828] And he's called snail mail to email or email to snail mail .com or something like that.

[1829] And that's what this new company has called.

[1830] Well, if they stole from you, I hope they're fucking, they crashed to the ground, Brian.

[1831] Yeah, it's not cool, man. It's not cool at all.

[1832] How long have they been around?

[1833] I think since yesterday.

[1834] You allowed them to steal it from you?

[1835] You don't want a piece of that.

[1836] There's no money.

[1837] free so it's like more of an art project i think so if he did steal your idea you welcome it you yeah yeah okay good that's nice it's very thoughtful of you dude it's nice you're you're you're contributing to the world right you little wacky ideas yeah i've had time i would have done it myself if you don't know uh and you can't get enough of brian you're like god who's that dude stumbling through his sentences i fucking love him he's too stone you can yeah he is too stone Brian is a way smoother talker before he does the podcast but i knew that i was going to get past that third hit his way and he's impulsive he's going to say yes and i know he shouldn't have it but part of me wants to see him take that third hit you did give me third hit i did i gave you that third hit too i'm just starting to come back i'm on a machu pitu high the entire time we were talking i was thinking about machu pichu yeah it's amazing playing your trip man playing your trip yeah that's hard when you have little ones i don't think they'd be down there's not i got to tell mickey mouse is at the top as well do I'll hire some dudes dressed like Mickey and Donald and they'll be waiting for me at the top of Maggibeju That's fucking great And the kids are like Daddy let's go back I can't breathe It's not the ideal place for little kids Daddy wants to see the big rocks I'm here for the big rocks You fucks Don't let your kids have lemonade stands I saw a lemonade stand the other day And it blew my mind I was like wait There's these two kids In the side of a street And that's like one stop Shopping.

[1838] What the fuck is that?

[1839] There was no parents anywhere where it was in front of the house?

[1840] The poor guy in Brooklyn.

[1841] Did you hear about this where the little kid asks for directions?

[1842] He's on his way home from school.

[1843] He's eight years old.

[1844] Ask for directions.

[1845] They can't find them.

[1846] And they find video of the kid at the playground talking to some man. They go to the man's house.

[1847] The kid's chopped up in his refrigerator.

[1848] Fuck.

[1849] No. Yeah.

[1850] Guys are Orthodox Jew too, which really shocked the Jewish community because the other kid was a Hasidic Jew.

[1851] And it's a very tight -knit Jewish community.

[1852] this guy was an Orthodox Jew killed this fucking kid and chopped him up I did think it was like it was weird like yesterday I'm driving down like Glendale Boulevard and it's like sundown and you see like I saw two girls that were probably like I don't know maybe like 12 13 just walking down the street and it's not like a bad neighborhood you're like you shouldn't be walking down Glendale Boulevard like you're too young like cars are flying by and there's there's it's still LA there's weirdos um on any street just walking around.

[1853] It does make me go like, man, I thought, like, I would definitely not be cool with my kid walking around.

[1854] Where you live?

[1855] Well, just like that street, like, it's not a, it's not, that wasn't, like, it's not a residential street, man. Like, it's, it's like a highway almost.

[1856] It's why people always want to go to the suburbs once they have children.

[1857] Yeah, it's like, wow, this hive is just too crazy.

[1858] Yeah.

[1859] I sort of admire people that raise their kids in New York City.

[1860] I'm like, wow, what a wild ride that's got to be for kids.

[1861] Yeah.

[1862] You know, to grow up in, you know, the hub of North American civilization.

[1863] Yeah.

[1864] I mean, New York City is unlike any other city.

[1865] You can call LA a city all you want, but it's really not.

[1866] It's a destination.

[1867] It's a destination.

[1868] It's a destination.

[1869] L .A. is an area.

[1870] It's a place.

[1871] But it's not a city.

[1872] New York City is a fucking city, man. When you're staying in a hotel and you open your window and everywhere around you are 60, 70 -story skyscrapers, and you're looking down to the ground, and there's fucking millions of people looking out at their windows and looking at you and you see this giant thing that's created.

[1873] on this little island that's a fucking city man yeah that's that's the human experience and it's and it's highest RPM form you know this giant construction where everything's built up you know they don't have any room to go east and west so they go north and south you know what the fuck that's a weird place to raise kids all the east coast cities have that a different vibe and feel than like out here like you know San Francisco's a proper city like a tight kind of thing but like you know like philly baltimore new york those are like those are cities where there's you can feel the city's alive here you don't yeah here this yeah the city and it's the city's filled with pukes too yeah it's filled with people that are trying to get famous yeah so the vibe of the city's all fucked up totally that's right L .A. I said it how about you just suck it Brian we're doing tweeting is the end of this fucking goddamn podcast it was fun it was fun it's always fun Tommy Sigura.

[1874] And if you think Tommy is hilarious when you hear him talk on the podcast, you can also check him on his podcast, which is your mom's house that you can catch on the Death Squad Network.

[1875] One of my favorite ones to do, too.

[1876] Of course.

[1877] He's hilarious, and so is his wife, and they do it together, which is a little bit pussy whip, but we're going to let him slide.

[1878] You know, it is what it is.

[1879] It is.

[1880] It's great.

[1881] I love it.

[1882] Your wife is super cool.

[1883] I remember when I met your wife, your wife was going on at the naughty show, and there was a fucking a girl beating a dude with a belt.

[1884] right before your chick went up and I was talking to her and she's like what the fuck am I going to do with it how am I going to follow this and I'm like wow she's got to follow that like that's going to be hard like yeah you know these people are screaming and cheering and she just rocked it dude she went up there's dude she's hilarious man super relaxed and super confident and you follow her on Twitter too we'll give out her Twitter name her Twitter is at Christina Pee I hope Christina Pee just P just Christina Pee yeah just Christina P yeah just Christina P and yeah She's awesome.

[1885] She's hilarious.

[1886] But if you really want to see Tom at his finest, you've got to go see him do stand -up.

[1887] He's at the ice house this weekend with me, but it's sold the fuck out, son.

[1888] Yeah.

[1889] Me and Joey Diaz and Tommy Segura.

[1890] But when else can they see you?

[1891] Where are you going to be out?

[1892] Well, next Tuesday, I'm going to be in Montreal for the festival.

[1893] And Tuesday night, I'm going to do Ari's show at midnight.

[1894] In Montreal?

[1895] In Montreal.

[1896] Wow.

[1897] Oh, beautiful.

[1898] I'm doing other shows throughout the week at the festival.

[1899] Like I'm doing HBO Canada show, a couple of best -of -fest.

[1900] shows and I'll try to post those like as soon as I know them but definitely Ari's show Tuesday night and the week after what is Ari's show called it's a storytelling show and where's it at I don't know I don't know so it's in Montreal it's in Montreal just if you want to find it ask Ari Shafir a R -I -S -H -A -F -F -I -R on Twitter ask him and he'll tell you what the fuck is up I'm proud of Ari he's doing a lot of shit dude he's doing a lot of these shows and you can tell like he like he's really like like striding in his lane like he's really fucking blowing up and his standup is getting better too everything everything's coming together he's doing fantastic the week after though i'll be in denver at the denver improv oh shit son august fourth through the seventh are you traveling with your wife or who you know i don't know i'm working with i just know that i'm doing it nice yeah do they have you headlining there yeah you're better just dirty bitches yeah so that'll be that'll be a lot of fun so paramount theater september 23rd joe diaz returns to colorado oh they tried to blacklist him We would not allow it.

[1901] This Sunday, Michael Chevello will be doing a podcast with me. Oh, I love Mike.

[1902] Yeah, he's a great guy.

[1903] And he's going to hang out at the house.

[1904] And his missus, he's going to hang out with my missus.

[1905] And we're going to throw down on a fucking podcast.

[1906] They're great, man. They're great.

[1907] They're super cool.

[1908] I saw them in Melbourne.

[1909] And he took me to a very beautiful bathroom.

[1910] A beautiful bathroom?

[1911] Yeah, I have him tell you about it.

[1912] Okay.

[1913] He's a great guy.

[1914] I love that, dude.

[1915] So that's it for this week.

[1916] Next week we got on the 27th, Georgio Sukilos from Ancient Aliens is going to be on the podcast and I'm fucking fired up for that and we've got a bunch of other people that we're going to try to get in here there's a few fighters a few comics a few different things Brian Ebersol I think he's going to do it I've got to talk to him and we're going to get Mayhem back as soon as Mayhem is done filming the Ultimate Fighter and we've got a lot of shit going down bitches and the new studio which we should be moving into very soon.

[1917] I got to, as soon as I'm done here, I'm going right there.

[1918] I'm looking at shit.

[1919] So that, yeah, that's, you're going to come with me, bitch?

[1920] I can't.

[1921] Come on, son.

[1922] You have a new studio?

[1923] We're going to make a new studio.

[1924] We're going to make a studio.

[1925] We're going to do something in an actual office building.

[1926] No shit.

[1927] Yeah, man. I can't keep doing this in my fucking, my office.

[1928] My kids are in the background screaming.

[1929] I feel like a douchebag dad that I want them to be quiet in their own house.

[1930] Yeah.

[1931] In one way, it's kind of cool because I like hearing like little kids screams in the background every now and then.

[1932] well right now we're at but i can't bring any skanks over the house either let's be honest ladies and gentlemen that's part of the program part of the program is uh i can't bring any skanks over here mrs rogan doesn't like it the only time we've had skanks excuse me questionable people we did it over at uh brian's house so now you know who you are yeah so andy dick that's right that's how the cookie crumbles hookers all right listen love you guys can't wait for uh pasadena ice house this weekend according to the website it's sold out But if you go there, you know, who the fuck knows?

[1933] There might be some tickets laying around.

[1934] Call them, what the fuck do I know?

[1935] Can't wait to see everybody.

[1936] And I'll see you Sunday.

[1937] All right, love you.

[1938] Come on.

[1939] Give me a kiss.

[1940] Peace.

[1941] And if you like the flashlight.

[1942] Oh, that's right.

[1943] I always forget.

[1944] The Joe Rogan Experience podcast was brought to you by the flashlight.

[1945] If you go to Joe Rogan.

[1946] And click on the link for the flashlight and you enter in the code name Rogan, you will get 15 % off the number one sex toy for men.

[1947] And then what you do is, you take it and you open up the box and you stick your penis inside of it and you go like this and then you go to sleep it's the best it's the best so we love you we hope you love us back bye bye bye bye bye