Sasha And The Massive Tea Cup

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[4] Hi there, Sasha.

[5] Hello.

[6] Hi, Matt.

[7] Hi, Sona.

[8] Hi, Conan.

[9] Hi.

[10] Hey, Sasha.

[11] How are you?

[12] I'm doing well.

[13] This is very exciting.

[14] I'm told Sasha that you are contacting us all the way from Kiev.

[15] Yes.

[16] Is this right?

[17] That is exactly where I am.

[18] Yeah.

[19] This is fantastic.

[20] I love that you're, that you, like, know what we're up to and that you're contacting us.

[21] This blows my mind.

[22] And it is, what time is it where you are?

[23] 2 a .m. Wow.

[24] Good God, this takes dedication.

[25] Did you, are you fighting sleep right now?

[26] Have you had a lot of coffee?

[27] What did you do to stay awake?

[28] I have, I have a huge cup of tea with me. That is a, Matt, you can't, you guys can't see this, listening.

[29] You just held up a mug that's out of a comedy.

[30] sketch.

[31] It is the largest.

[32] I could soak my feet in that mug.

[33] That is massive.

[34] I like, I actually just have a tiny head and this is a normal size.

[35] There's that key of humor again.

[36] I love that.

[37] If everything you had was oversized, that would be fantastic.

[38] Oh, look, he just took a slurp.

[39] You put your entire head in there and just drank it underwater.

[40] Your whole head disappeared into this massive teacup.

[41] It's almost a liter of water.

[42] I have no idea how much of it is in ounces.

[43] Yeah.

[44] Well, it's so nice to talk to you, Sasha, tell me a little bit about yourself.

[45] Tell us, describe Sasha the man. Tell us, who are you, sir?

[46] Oh, I am the man. I knew that.

[47] I knew that.

[48] Yeah, so I am 31.

[49] I live in Kiev.

[50] I, like, born and raised in Ukraine.

[51] I currently, like, work customer service in the company, like a small company called War Gaming.

[52] It's like, yeah, it's a game developer from, like, it's like all over the world, but it's super popular here, like in Ukraine, Russia, these countries.

[53] So these games, so are people calling you with complaints about the games?

[54] No, I like, I work internally.

[55] I work with HR.

[56] So I just, yeah, I like.

[57] I love that there's HR at a very violent gaming company.

[58] He kind of looked at me the wrong way while he was murdering.

[59] Yes.

[60] 30 ninjas.

[61] Yeah.

[62] Every dispute is like trial by combat, so.

[63] Yes.

[64] That's great.

[65] There's one way to resolve this.

[66] A fight to the death.

[67] And I'm like, I'm an arbiter.

[68] Yeah, that is fantastic.

[69] So are you a gamer yourself?

[70] Like, what kinds of games do you like?

[71] Oh, I like all kinds of games.

[72] Like, as you can see, by my setup, I have, like, the chair and everything and the camera.

[73] Yes, you have a legit gamer's chair, and I only know that because my son is really into gaming.

[74] He's 15, and he, like, showed me a catalog of, like, the good gaming chair.

[75] And I was like, no, you're just going to have a chair.

[76] You can have a gaming chair.

[77] A stool.

[78] Yes, you're going to sit on a wooden stool that people use to milk cows.

[79] That's what you're going to play your game on, you punk.

[80] So, yeah, like, I like all kinds of games.

[81] Like, this is something, this is a hobby from, like, from the way, from, like, all the way when I was a child, I like games.

[82] And now I'm, like, trying to get into streaming.

[83] I like, I play shooters most of the time.

[84] But I also like everything, like, from old school, like Mario to, like, right now I'm playing a lot of Apex Legends.

[85] And I play all kinds of games.

[86] Like, yeah.

[87] Is there a game?

[88] I'm trying to, because I'm not a gamer.

[89] My son plays, and he's always, you know, running around and shooting at people or going through special.

[90] There's one where he jumps into a hole and comes out of a hole someplace else.

[91] It's like these spheres, these holes move around and you can transport yourself through them.

[92] Portal?

[93] Portal, yeah.

[94] Yeah, he does portal.

[95] And so I'm interested in a game where I hide.

[96] I can just really, I can hide really well and be quiet.

[97] And there's bad guys out there, but I can just hide and I'm very comfortable.

[98] and I don't move around much.

[99] You don't do anything?

[100] I don't do anything.

[101] I'm mostly, I stay very quiet.

[102] Do you crouch?

[103] I'm in a very pretty spacious closed -off area and no one can get in and get me and I'm very comfortable.

[104] And I have access to Netflix and, you know, HBO Max and all that, you know, everything, the Disney channel.

[105] I have access to all of it and I have lots of food.

[106] Oh.

[107] And so I'm in no danger.

[108] Is there a game like that?

[109] I'm sure there is something.

[110] like that.

[111] I think it's just called the aviator.

[112] It's life.

[113] I'm Leo DiCaprio in the aviator.

[114] A regular day in Ukraine that is cold, actually.

[115] So, all right, so you are, this is fascinating.

[116] I want to know what, you know, I've never been to Kiev.

[117] I've never been to Ukraine.

[118] I would like to know what it's like.

[119] Would I be accepted there if I walked around and tried my personality on people or would they find me to be an absurd person?

[120] They stare?

[121] Well, I think like the older people would stare probably.

[122] Because they've never seen a guy that's like in my kind of shape, like really jacked.

[123] Like yeah they're afraid of huge people.

[124] Yeah.

[125] The great specimen of men when I hold your cup, it looks like a tiny little fumble.

[126] Yes, it's like a coffee cup.

[127] Yeah, even smaller, even smaller.

[128] It's like a tiny little holds one drop when I hold up that cup.

[129] No, I would love to go there.

[130] I'd love to meet the people.

[131] It's incredible.

[132] Like, it's a very old country.

[133] Like, Kiev itself is over a thousand years old.

[134] So, like, yeah, before there was America, there was Kiev.

[135] And, yeah.

[136] No, we're very familiar that we're a new country.

[137] And apparently we're having a, a terrible adolescent fit.

[138] We are very, yeah, an old, it's so funny because I grew up in Boston, which for the United States is considered very old.

[139] So there might be a house in Boston that's 200 years old and everyone says, oh my God, that's an old house.

[140] Then I moved to Los Angeles and an old house here was built in 1985.

[141] And they say, well, that's a, ooh, that house goes back to 85.

[142] We're going to make it a historic landmark.

[143] No one can change it or touch it because it goes way back, you know, to when Reagan was president.

[144] I mean, it's crazy.

[145] Yeah.

[146] So, yes, I have a lot of mad respect for civilizations that have been around as long as yours.

[147] Yeah, it's a very beautiful country.

[148] Like, if you ever get to visit, I'm sure you'll enjoy it.

[149] Like, lots of great places.

[150] Like, we have lots of green, like, parks.

[151] we have lots of like they preserve architecture quite well like there are some places they are super old but like they don't look the part but like yeah they are fixing fixing stuff up and like it's it's it's a large country like if you're not just in Kiev if you travel around you can see like all kinds of stuff this is like the largest country in Europe like by area you are a good spokesman for Ukraine you know you're very good you're doing a good job If I came and visited, would you put me up in your apartment?

[152] Would I stay with you?

[153] I don't think we have the place for, like, if you're alone, of course, but I'm sure.

[154] What do you mean?

[155] You don't have the, that's so rude, Sasha.

[156] It's a small apartment.

[157] Sasha, I, you invited yourself to his house.

[158] Sasha, it is not about the size of the apartment.

[159] It's about the size of your heart.

[160] My hearts.

[161] You don't, you just say, yes, Conan, come, come.

[162] Of course.

[163] And then you let me have your bed And you, if you have to sleep on a bench in the park, then so be it.

[164] You said they're very beautiful parks.

[165] But Sasha, that's what you do when a stranger from a strange land comes to your home.

[166] That is what I've always heard was the spirit of Kiev.

[167] My heart is exactly Conan size.

[168] So you have, like, the doctors say that's a problem.

[169] I say that's...

[170] When you have Conan Heart, it's a real problem.

[171] Yes, yes.

[172] Sorry, Sasha.

[173] You have Conan Heart.

[174] How much time?

[175] do I have?

[176] Not much time.

[177] It's a very cruel, brittle heart.

[178] Now, is this true?

[179] I hear that you're into other kinds of games that aren't electronic, right?

[180] Yes.

[181] I play Dungeons and Dragons.

[182] Oh, the old D &D, we call it.

[183] Yeah, yeah, that's what we call it in the Bairs.

[184] I don't know.

[185] I wasn't saying anything really cool that you didn't know.

[186] That's so sad that I went, yeah.

[187] You know, we call it over here.

[188] And you're like, yes, that's what it's called.

[189] Everybody knows.

[190] Worldwide, you terrible ass.

[191] Yeah, I play D &D with my girlfriend and a couple of friends.

[192] We've been playing for about a year now, and we recently were playing a campaign for, like, maybe seven, eight months.

[193] And actually, we all died.

[194] Where were you for seven and eight months?

[195] I'm sorry, for seven and eight months, where were you?

[196] Like at what level or where were you on a mountain, where you want to stream?

[197] So this is like a. continent, like a tropical continent with lots of dinosaurs for some reason and like our quest was to retrieve this item that prevents people from resurrecting and everyone who was resurrected through magic were dying because of it and like it was our mission to destroy it so that people can live longer and yeah so like we ended up in this huge dungeon and a bunch of us died, and then all of us died, and it was super sad, but it was amazing, like with all the traps and demons and everything.

[198] Like, it's super cool, yeah.

[199] Sasha, I might understand that during this global pandemic and quarantine, you and your girlfriend chose to play a game where you're in a dungeon for seven months and then die.

[200] That's what you chose to do.

[201] That was your fun escape.

[202] Well, it didn't start that way.

[203] it wasn't tough.

[204] I was going to say.

[205] What did you, game did you play?

[206] It's a really fun game called Quarantine.

[207] Yeah, like we couldn't leave.

[208] We were in this secluded area.

[209] Yeah, we had to wear these magic masks.

[210] We couldn't go into a restaurant.

[211] So wait, you said this didn't end well.

[212] Did you guys end up dying?

[213] Yeah, we like actually, it's just, like, the wound is still fresh.

[214] It was just two weeks ago.

[215] So we actually did the thing.

[216] We destroyed the artifact.

[217] Oh.

[218] Yeah.

[219] Then in the process, like the big, bad guy of the adventure ended up killing us.

[220] But you achieved your goal.

[221] Well, yeah.

[222] This is something that the legends will be told about, about a group of adventurers that went in.

[223] Everything is great now, but they never came out.

[224] They're already talking about you guys over here in the States.

[225] Yeah.

[226] I've been hearing a lot of, well, we call it D &D.

[227] chatter.

[228] I don't know if you're familiar with the term, but there's been a lot of chatter about these legendary heroes that have enabled everyone to be resurrected.

[229] I have like, after this call, I have Kevin Feige about like movie adaptation.

[230] You are, you know, now first of all, who died first, your girlfriend or you?

[231] My girlfriend.

[232] I was the last one to die.

[233] I can't, I wish you could see this.

[234] I can't stop laughing every time you lift what looks to be a jacuzzi to your face.

[235] to sip some tea I just start giggling because you're talking about like it's terrible my girlfriend died and then you lift what I mean it looks like you know Winnie the Pooh with a giant honeypot you're lifting your face so she died first you're very sympathetic and did it put a strain on your relationship that she was gone but you remained her characters died like three times before we got there so we got over that so like yeah in Dungeons and Dragons usually like if not everyone dies if at least one person survives.

[236] Like the other guys just create new characters so that the adventure can continue.

[237] I see.

[238] This is maybe a little indelicate and maybe even creepy, but let's say the girlfriend passes away.

[239] Are you then allowed to start seeing other characters romantically?

[240] Oh, yeah, absolutely.

[241] Like right away.

[242] Yes, Sasha.

[243] You were excited about that question.

[244] Well, now I'm suspecting foul play.

[245] Yeah.

[246] Maybe you were the one that said, oh, go into that little cave over there.

[247] Just go in there.

[248] And she's like, why?

[249] Oh, just go.

[250] I think I left my cell phone in there.

[251] Go check it out.

[252] Yeah, like I can't say that never happened, but she's a sleep now so I can say whatever I want.

[253] See, this is great.

[254] The thing I love about this podcast is really getting to the truth.

[255] He murdered his girlfriend in the D &D reality just so that he could.

[256] You know, what was it a, who were you bewitched by?

[257] There was another character that you were interested in.

[258] Well, witch?

[259] Yeah, like a sexy sorceress.

[260] Yeah, was a sorceress?

[261] Oh, I love a sorceress.

[262] We had like a wear tiger person with us who was like super, yeah.

[263] That's a whole lot of different things.

[264] Sounds hot, yeah?

[265] Like where tiger, she turned into a tiger.

[266] Well, it could be a tiger that runs a warehouse.

[267] It could be fair.

[268] What?

[269] Could be a very boring.

[270] Could be a tiger that's like, there's a lot of room here.

[271] Oh, by the way, growl.

[272] Oh, by the way.

[273] But it's dry storage.

[274] We have humidity control, and by the way, purr and growl.

[275] Yeah, like my character actually was a Tabaxi.

[276] Tabaxi are like these cat people.

[277] Yeah, so we were like actually a great match because my character was this like humanoid cat.

[278] And she was a wear tiger.

[279] So like.

[280] And my girlfriend's character was a human.

[281] so like boring no thanks sorry I mean I think your girlfriend would understand if you said look I have to leave you for this wear tiger yeah yeah you know and think of all the storage options we would have yeah we can store all the loot I take from your dead body yes uh Sasha do you have a question for me is there any way I can help you yes actually I do have a question so I have an interesting like job path so like job history uh I used to actually work on a diamond mine for like a month.

[282] Where was the diamond mine?

[283] In Lysoto, it's in South Africa.

[284] You work in a South African diamond mine.

[285] Yes.

[286] And before that...

[287] Was this a summer internship?

[288] What is the...

[289] Over here, over here people work, you know, they get coffee at a talk show or something, you know?

[290] You were in a diamond mine in South Africa.

[291] Yes, I was working as an interpreter.

[292] I have to clarify, like I wasn't out there with like a pickaxed, a high hole.

[293] and everything, like, yes.

[294] Right, right.

[295] Hi -ho.

[296] Yeah, no one's singing hi -ho, hi -ho.

[297] Come on.

[298] Did Snow White lie to me?

[299] Yeah, you're right.

[300] You're right.

[301] I'm sure it happened.

[302] I did wonder how you could afford that giant tea mug.

[303] It's made of, like, it's made of diamond, but it's painted.

[304] Were you ever tempted to, if I worked at a diamond in mine, it's very tempting.

[305] I was thinking the same thing.

[306] How do you not steal it?

[307] There's a diamond there and it fits in my ass.

[308] I would kister it, too.

[309] I was thinking the same thing.

[310] Wait, would he kister it?

[311] Isn't that what it is?

[312] It is what it is.

[313] I would, first of all, I would try to find, like, a few other options to hide it before I get to the ass situation.

[314] Yes, what?

[315] Sasha, I've been through this.

[316] It's the best place.

[317] Trust me. No, I'm not talking for comfort or anything, but if you really want to walk out of there with a diamond or any other object, putting it and storing it, I'm just going to be graphic.

[318] And your anus is the right way to go.

[319] I want stolen alarm clock.

[320] This is a true story.

[321] I stole an alarm clock.

[322] It was an AM FM alarm clock and it actually had a CD player built into it and it took me 40 minutes to get it up in there but when I walked out and Did it go off while it was in there?

[323] You know it was so fun.

[324] You were trying to escape and it busted you.

[325] I was out the door I was through the sliding doors when the song by aha stood unto me started to play because that was the disc that was in there and they started to chase me and I was running very awkwardly because it's a big, this was a big, remember boom boxes, Sasha?

[326] This was large.

[327] So I was kind of running, but kind of waddling, and then the aha song, Take on me was playing.

[328] And the guys chasing after you were like, take on me. Exactly.

[329] Exactly, Sasha.

[330] You were there.

[331] Of course.

[332] You were there.

[333] I was one of the guys.

[334] I was one of the guys.

[335] It was quite a spectacle.

[336] There's no, so far, no question.

[337] No, yeah, like, I'm, like, getting to it.

[338] So, I understand.

[339] And before that, I used to work, like, as a QA tester on a porn site.

[340] Oh, whoa.

[341] Wait, on a porn site?

[342] Yeah.

[343] It was like, I was there to, like, it's not like a hardcore porn site.

[344] It's like a webcam modeling side.

[345] Oh, so, yeah.

[346] So, and like, I was there to test, like, if, like, all the buttons work and everything after new, each new update and everything.

[347] Uh -huh.

[348] I hear you talking about.

[349] I mean, like, actually, that scarred me for life.

[350] I actually left, I actually left that job to go to.

[351] Africa like I was like I'm out sorry I cannot do this anymore you know what I'm gonna tell you something Sasha I can relate because I remember working in porn and then when I was done I said it's off to the diamond minds for me yes that's what we all do yeah what did you do in porn oh it was the same thing alarm clocks yeah oh I had a whole there was a whole series where it was me with different kinds of and it was also sort of like kind of kind of a shopping site too because whatever I took out of me, was then available to, for purchase.

[352] Do you have a question, Sasha?

[353] Dear God.

[354] I now have, I now have a smaller question about, like, where can we buy any of that stuff?

[355] About what?

[356] About where can I buy any of that stuff you were talking about?

[357] You don't want it.

[358] It turns out it's not a good place to store stuff.

[359] But, yeah, like, the question is from that, like, if any of you, and I actually want to hear, like, from Sona and Matt as well, if any of you had any, like, weird or unexpected jobs before you landed your current ones, I would absolutely love to know that.

[360] That would be amazing.

[361] Sona?

[362] Weirdest job?

[363] Well, I mean, I think, honestly, I think this is my weirdest job.

[364] I would say that's probably true.

[365] Yeah.

[366] No, every other job I've had very normal sort of jobs.

[367] I worked at Burger King.

[368] I worked at the Hollywood Bowl and, you know, worked in offices.

[369] But nothing as cool as porn or a diamond mine.

[370] But this, yeah, this I think would be my most interesting job.

[371] Now, Gorley, you have had an interesting past, and you're a man of many, many faces.

[372] Yeah, I'm not proud.

[373] I mean, on top of being a talking trash can, I once flew regularly first class to accrue points for a company that found a loophole with the airlines, so they would just pay me $50 to fly from here to, like, San Francisco three times a day to get on, get right back off, get on again.

[374] How is that a job?

[375] What's being accomplished?

[376] The company that was paying us $50, dollars a flight was getting somehow earning more in frequent flyer miles than it was to pay me $50 I don't know the whole thing was obviously shady I was young I needed the money oh yeah that's that's like how all my stories start so cool I don't think I've mentioned this on the podcast but the weirdest job I ever had was in 1985 friend of mine's father worked for a radio station and I was visiting him, and he was in charge of having a big parade for the town.

[377] This was in Rhode Island, and the friend's father said, okay, we're having a Michael Jackson look -alike, because it was, you know, thriller was huge.

[378] He said, a Michael Jackson look -alike is coming, and he's going to be part of this parade.

[379] He's the guest of honor, and we need security for the fake Michael Jackson.

[380] So he gave us security shirts.

[381] I remember they were bright yellow security shirts.

[382] Wait, can I ask you a quick question?

[383] Is this fake security to look like security?

[384] No, no, no. He was saying your job is to really protect this person because people are going to be so excited to see him.

[385] Fake Michael Jackson.

[386] And I'm not kidding.

[387] This was in Barrington, Rhode Island, 1985.

[388] And I stand by this story and or maybe it was a summer of 84.

[389] I can't remember.

[390] But it was when thriller was just massive.

[391] And so there's a giant parade and we're about to start the parade.

[392] and the Michael Jackson lookalike shows up and Sona, you look more like Michael Jackson.

[393] Gorley, you look more like Michael Jackson.

[394] Sasha, you look more like Michael Jackson than this guy did.

[395] He showed up and he was wearing the red jacket and he had the one glove, but he didn't look anything like Michael Jackson.

[396] And so I was there to protect him from the adoring crowds, but instead people were just mad and they were booing and shouting things.

[397] And I remember at one point, someone stepped forward in the line is this is a motorcade.

[398] We're driving along in a motorcade.

[399] A motorcade.

[400] Yeah, like, I mean, like, you know, like there's a, when I say that, I mean, like, he was in a car and we're walking alongside the car and I'm supposed to protect him.

[401] Like he's JFK?

[402] Yeah, and with similar results, because we're walking along and a wise ass teenager stepped out of the crowd with a water balloon and went to chuck it at the Michael Jackson, and I stepped back and out of the way.

[403] And to the left.

[404] And he nailed this guy in the chest.

[405] And I think afterwards they were like, what did you do?

[406] And I went, I don't know.

[407] I don't know.

[408] I was whatever.

[409] That was the dumbest job I ever had.

[410] Sasha, am I still welcome at your apartment?

[411] You are absolutely welcome.

[412] I'll actually have the place prepared for you.

[413] You don't have to do a thing.

[414] You don't have to do a thing.

[415] I just want all of the, I want my teacup to be massive.

[416] And I can just crawl in.

[417] to a little corner and sleep.

[418] I'll be fine.

[419] This is all yours when you're here, you know.

[420] Hey, Sasha, how do I say, um, what, what, how do I say farewell to you in, you know, in your language?

[421] How do I say it?

[422] In Ukrainian, it's, it's do po -bacchena.

[423] Oh my God, that's hard.

[424] Dopopo -bacchena.

[425] Do -pobacchena.

[426] Yeah.

[427] Well done.

[428] Sasha, dopobachenya.

[429] I'm honored to have such a cool fan.

[430] It's very cool talking to you.

[431] It was amazing.

[432] It was an honor, and it was well worth staying up till 2 a .m. Well, I hope to meet you in person one day, Sasha, because you are a great guy.

[433] You really are.

[434] If you're ever in Ukraine, feel free to, you have my email.

[435] I will track you down because I would love to do that.

[436] I really would.

[437] And we can play D &D together.

[438] I would like to say I can't think of a more fun thing to do, but I actually can.

[439] Hey, Sasha, thank you very much, seriously.

[440] Thanks, thank you.

[441] Yeah, and all our love to anyone who knows who the hell we are in Kiannuch.

[442] of thank you thank you so much bye bye bye sasha conan o 'brien needs a fan with conan o 'brien sonam of sessian and matt goarly produced by me matt goarly executive produced by adam sacks joanna solitaire off and jeff ross at team cocoa and Colin anderson at earwolf music by jimmy vivino supervising producer Aaron blaird associate talent producer Jennifer samples associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa berm engineered by by Will Beckton.

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