#1886 - Robert Kelly

[0] Joe Rogan podcast, check it out.

[1] The Joe Rogan Experience.

[2] Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day.

[3] I like them.

[4] You like them?

[5] They look good.

[6] Yeah?

[7] You like them?

[8] Yeah.

[9] Try them on.

[10] Try him on.

[11] It's you to look like.

[12] Fucking tough.

[13] Those are tough, dude.

[14] It's fucking look good, dude.

[15] You got to get a pair of glasses, dude.

[16] Do you need glasses?

[17] I do for reading.

[18] Those are what I can't see my phone without him.

[19] Really?

[20] Yeah, I can't fucking see my phone without these.

[21] What power?

[22] of those it's uh i believe it's one eye is different than the other it's just prescription um one is different than the other yeah like one can see better or something like that did you get injured or is it just no i just around four i think they call reading glasses in england uh 45s because around 45 is when your eyes start going that's what happened to me yeah that's probably exactly when it happened to me i remember doing the podcast and i couldn't read off a laptop i was actually doing a podcast with Neil de Grouse Tyson and I wanted to ask him about something and I pulled up the laptop and I was like I can't even forget this yeah I out of nowhere I had perfect sight perfect everything yeah it just falls off like a clip 45 boom couldn't read but you know what there's a way to to stop it in its tracks there's supplements you could take there's a company called pure encapsulations and they have a thing called macular support and I started taking macular support and it stopped it stopped it in its tracks really yeah so now I can read my phone like it might have even actually got a little bit better so like I don't have a problem reading my phone like reading text messages right no problem but I prefer like if I'm reading an article I'll read with glasses well the thing is such too is that they don't make cool glasses for men reading glasses those are fucking cool well this is they have like a nice red tint to him this is from uh this guy in the east village my friend anthony they look like they're from the east village he's well they do they look cool yeah this guy makes him like this is like this is like a rolex there's there's 500 of these made this is 230 something of 500 why doesn't he make more it's not him it's uh i can't read it inside jean paul whoever oh so it's like a designer but he he's a uh what is it opto optometrist hard word to fucking pole but uh he's cool as shit you walk in and he customizes everything like He'll take this fancy, the glass frame, and then he'll be like, let's put this tint on it.

[23] Let me do this.

[24] And then you go in and he cut, like, he'll sand it down to fit your nose.

[25] Ooh, that's nice.

[26] So you can pick, like, all these crazy frames, and then he makes it yours, which is great.

[27] I mean, it costs money, but I love shit like that.

[28] It seems like it's worth it, though.

[29] I love when people take something and make it unique, and not everybody has it.

[30] Customize.

[31] I love people who customize shit like that Like this guy could just be Yep here's your prescription Here's your boucham loms or whatever Stupid glasses He's like I'm getting the coolest frames On the planet That are you know He has one He gets this one with You'd look good in these too They have Thunderbirds Silver Thunderbird Going down the side It's like Elvis would buy these glasses I'm in You have to be You have to be the motherfucker to wear these glasses.

[32] And they're like $1 ,600.

[33] Are they online?

[34] Can I see what they look like?

[35] Yeah.

[36] His name's Anthony.

[37] I forget his name.

[38] Yeah, he has a whole Instagram.

[39] I can't.

[40] No, not Anthony shit.

[41] Where's my phone?

[42] I can't.

[43] Go grab your phone.

[44] Hang out of your phone.

[45] I'll tell you.

[46] I want to see these.

[47] Because those are dope.

[48] The ones you have, I love the red tent.

[49] There's something about rose -colored glasses.

[50] You know, I remember one time I was like super high, and I put on a pair of Anthony Aden.

[51] What is it?

[52] Anthony Aden?

[53] Sorry.

[54] Yep, Anthony Aden.

[55] Is this him right here?

[56] There he is.

[57] Anthony Aden opticians.

[58] Coolest guy ever.

[59] East Village.

[60] Where's the Thunderbird ones?

[61] Thunderbirds, yeah.

[62] Type in Thunderbird.

[63] Here we go.

[64] I wanted these glasses so bad.

[65] I couldn't pull the trigger, though, because I'm just not, you know?

[66] Zero results for Thunderbirds.

[67] What about Thunderbird?

[68] I got a big of it.

[69] No, nothing for birds.

[70] Just go through the catalog and see if you could find it.

[71] they look dope though page one of five yeah look at these glasses jean yeah uh okay there you go now you're getting there look at these oh yeah I don't know maybe there's a thunderbird on the side maybe they have them like behind the case no it's he gets he only gets one pair in black one parent tortoise shell and they're six like 1 ,700 bucks without prescription wow and and they're They're fucking nuts.

[72] Yeah, those are my glasses right there.

[73] The ones right there?

[74] Those are my, the ones he made those and put them up on his site.

[75] Very nice.

[76] Here, let me see.

[77] I got this picture of it.

[78] But I love guys like this who just take something and make it better.

[79] Oh, yeah, for sure.

[80] Yeah, it's cool.

[81] Craftsmanship.

[82] Exactly, that's exactly the word of craftsmanship.

[83] I'm a big fan of craftsmanship.

[84] Me too.

[85] Yeah, I love when people.

[86] make shit you know I'd love when people make art I love when people make like tables like this table when I get this table done I love the fact that somebody carved this this is our friend Drew yeah was Drew's last name Jamie who did the table Drew Teague he's a bad motherfucker and he made us this table we had another one like this at the old studio but it was a little bit too big it was enormous and so we had them construct this well you look at a table like this and you're like yeah I could do that and then you realize I watch wood stuff on Instagram all the time.

[87] It's my favorite.

[88] Just seeing some guy taking a tree and making it into something is nuts to me. Why is that so, it's so satisfying, right?

[89] Watching someone carve things out of wood and saw and hammer and nail and make it all precise.

[90] Yeah, like there's so much that goes into it and this one dude is just sitting there and it was a tree.

[91] It was in a forest.

[92] And now it's in somebody's house and generations are going to eat.

[93] off this thing and talk about fucking everything.

[94] My table's from the 50s.

[95] Really?

[96] Yeah, we moved into my house up in Westchester.

[97] They were like, you want to buy this furniture, 500 bucks?

[98] Because the lady was dying or whatever.

[99] And she lived in the house her whole life.

[100] And I looked at it, I'm like 100 % because it's mid -century modern, you know, furniture.

[101] It's like the Danish were making this furniture.

[102] You know, Europe was making these amazing wood furniture.

[103] back like madmen type of furniture right i and america started making them i was like this is that stuff so we took it and uh i found out the table's worth 2 ,800 bucks the chairs are worth uh you know 250 each the liquor cabinet's worth 4 ,000 all the stuff we got was from the 50s when she got it and i'm sitting going this whole family grew up on this table and now we it was very important in my house that when i'm home we have dinner um me and my wife and my son, we sit at the table and we have dinner and I talk because that's the time where...

[104] You bond.

[105] Find out about your day.

[106] You need a break from your day where, you know, you're doing all this shit and now you're going to sit here and just talk.

[107] No iPads, no homework, no fucking Instagram, no bullshit.

[108] Just sit down and talk.

[109] And it's like, what was the best part?

[110] What was the worst part of your day?

[111] You know?

[112] And this happened, recess, of course.

[113] I'm like, no, fucking recess, don't count.

[114] Lunch, nope, don't count.

[115] Yeah.

[116] You know, and we ship this table.

[117] And then someone's going to buy this table in 50 years.

[118] It's probably worth even more.

[119] It's like you can't recreate a 1950s table.

[120] It is a, you know, you can make a copy of it, but it's not a 1950s.

[121] There's something about an old thing that's like baked in memories and thoughts.

[122] Yeah.

[123] Like there's a scrape on the table.

[124] That's from their kid.

[125] I know it.

[126] that their kid did some stupid shit.

[127] And she was, you scrape the table.

[128] Yeah.

[129] You know, and that he's, he's got to be like 60 now.

[130] Mm -hmm.

[131] And if he came and saw it, he'd be like, dude, I did that when I was like seven.

[132] I just got a fork and I said it's great.

[133] You know what I mean?

[134] Yeah.

[135] There's a story behind that shit.

[136] It's like like a Rolex.

[137] Mm -hmm.

[138] When you get a really nice watch, the craftsmanship that goes into that watch, fuck the watch.

[139] Like, oh, I got a Rolex.

[140] It's not about that.

[141] There's like.

[142] Engineering.

[143] The engineering of it.

[144] And then when you scratch it for the first time, you get so bummed out.

[145] But that's your scratch.

[146] You know what I mean?

[147] So the next guy that gets this watch or my son when he gets it, that's my life.

[148] This is a big market for those really old Rolexes.

[149] People love those real old ones.

[150] Go to Bob's, you know, Bob's watches.

[151] Do you know what that is?

[152] Yeah, no, yeah, I know Bob.

[153] So you're a watch guy.

[154] I like watches, yeah.

[155] I'm a big fan of watches.

[156] Yeah, me too.

[157] I love them.

[158] I go to Mayors and.

[159] Tampa and I go to Watchers of Switzerland in New York What is Mayors?

[160] Mayors is a big watch place In Just a watch collector's place?

[161] No they're just Watches of Switzerland.

[162] It's like Authorized Rolex dealer.

[163] So you want to go.

[164] You're just all about Rolexes?

[165] I know I like German watches.

[166] I got a I like I like watches like when I went to when I tour with Louis in Europe this year in Paris I was like I want to get a French watch.

[167] I got this $400 watch called Lip.

[168] It's just L -I -P.

[169] It's a nice watch.

[170] It's a diver's watch.

[171] It's $400.

[172] But it's gorgeous.

[173] I like watches.

[174] I have two Phoenix, the Garmin watches.

[175] I love the Garmin watch because it lasts for 68 days.

[176] Yeah, I've got one of those.

[177] They're the best.

[178] Like Apple Watch, I got one of those, but it lasts 24 hours.

[179] You've got to recharge it.

[180] They have a new one, the Ultra.

[181] Looks a couple of days.

[182] But it's fat.

[183] It's like a toaster.

[184] It's still like two days.

[185] Like the garment is 68 days.

[186] And also like if you run the GPS, it's less.

[187] But I mean, it has that option.

[188] You could run GPS on it.

[189] Like you could track your whereabouts and shit.

[190] A hundred percent.

[191] Something about, I love watches.

[192] I love that whole, that whole, I love knives.

[193] Me too.

[194] Do you get a Jack lore yet?

[195] No. What is that?

[196] It's a, it's a bushcraft knife.

[197] Bushcraft.

[198] Yeah.

[199] Are you learning bushcraft, Bobby?

[200] Hi, buddy, I'm telling you.

[201] By the way, you should never take those glasses off.

[202] Why?

[203] They're perfect for you.

[204] Aren't they?

[205] They're perfect.

[206] I got to take them off at some point.

[207] Every now and then.

[208] Take them off when you fuck.

[209] Dude, yeah.

[210] Well, then I guess I'm never to take it off.

[211] 15 years married.

[212] Fucking, God damn it.

[213] Bushcraft.

[214] Bushcraft, dude.

[215] I love bushcraft.

[216] What does that mean?

[217] What does that word mean?

[218] I mean, I don't...

[219] It means like learning how to, like, live in the bush, right?

[220] I'm not a bush crafter.

[221] You never heard of me and Ari and Joe List, the bushcraft party boys?

[222] No. You've never?

[223] No. He's saying it like it's like a fucking hit album or something.

[224] How would I know?

[225] It was a fucking hit.

[226] It was a hit.

[227] I've never heard of it.

[228] What's the bushcraft party boys?

[229] What does that mean?

[230] Dude, we, bush crafting is like when you go in the woods and you survive.

[231] You make a shelter.

[232] You make a chair.

[233] You get.

[234] get all the stuff you need.

[235] Do you know how to do all that?

[236] Yeah, I know how to do it.

[237] Can you start a fire?

[238] Yeah, 100%.

[239] With Flint?

[240] I haven't done Flint, but I have a Flint.

[241] I do have a steel in Flint.

[242] But I, you know, I have a feral rod.

[243] It comes with a knife.

[244] Like a bushcraft, like this guy, Jack Lour, and Ray Mears is the guy who started it in England.

[245] Bushcraft, big bushcraft guy.

[246] And they'll just go out in the woods.

[247] And did it go out?

[248] Yeah, thank you.

[249] And they have these knives that you can pretty much.

[250] much do everything with like you just go in you'll make a shell everything with this knife you can do is that you guys that's us that's the bushcraft party boys where were you guys that's beautiful so dude i'll tell you gorgeous where is that that's beautiful that's in new york that's the cats goes oh that's a good place to get lime disease so uh we we go up this is so crazy we go up i check this out we go up i find the spot where we're going to go hiking right so we hike two miles up this road it's it's a old dirt road that they used to, you know, horse and buggy used to go up.

[251] And you get to the top and there's an old hotel, but it's all just the, you know, the frame of it.

[252] Yeah.

[253] But it's creepy and beautiful and awesome.

[254] You get to the top.

[255] It's two hours up to the top.

[256] Then you go down the other side and it's a regular trail.

[257] And that's another two hours down to this lake.

[258] I forget what lake it is, Echo Lake.

[259] And it's all, it's called primitive camping.

[260] This is beautiful.

[261] Beautiful.

[262] That lake is so pretty.

[263] It's unbelievable.

[264] And it's all beavers are in there.

[265] You can see all the trees.

[266] There's a photo of it.

[267] Are there fish in that lake?

[268] Yeah, there's fish.

[269] Is everything.

[270] Did you guys fish?

[271] No, we didn't fish.

[272] We're not fishing.

[273] But I brought, dude, I brought filet mignon's Italian sausages.

[274] Oh, nice.

[275] Did you?

[276] Yeah, I cooked everything.

[277] Did you film that coyote?

[278] No, no, no. So we're out there.

[279] And I'm the one who kind of knows about all this stuff.

[280] So I told them about the bears.

[281] So we get up there, I'm like, you know, this is how you got to hang a bear bag.

[282] You got to, you know, if you're going to take a shit, it's going to be 155, 150 feet from the trail and water.

[283] You've got to dig it out, your poop.

[284] You know, you can't just shit.

[285] Right.

[286] You have to dig it out, poop, wipe, put that in the hole, take baby wipes.

[287] You've got to carry that out with you back in a Ziploc bag.

[288] All this stuff, snakes.

[289] There's huge rattlesnakes up in the Catskills.

[290] Big, big rattlesnakes up there.

[291] Yeah, you have to be very careful of rattlesnakes.

[292] So does there a lot of black bears up there?

[293] Is that what it is?

[294] There's black bears up there.

[295] I told them about that.

[296] But, you know, they're going to stay away.

[297] I just don't have food in your tent.

[298] You can't.

[299] There's certain things, because we're primitive camping.

[300] There's nobody around.

[301] Right.

[302] There's nobody around for four hours.

[303] How deep did you get in there?

[304] How far did you walk in?

[305] We walked four hours in.

[306] So two hours up, two hours down the back.

[307] Wow.

[308] So if somebody gets hurt, it's going to be a problem.

[309] So we were, I mean, I cooked up a storm.

[310] I have this, it's called the fire box.

[311] It's this little steel box that's flat and then it opens up.

[312] Yeah.

[313] I cooked everybody, rice pears pears.

[314] We had this sick meal.

[315] Dude, look at you.

[316] You guys have brain gear and everything.

[317] We had food.

[318] We had cigars.

[319] We had the fire.

[320] How many days you guys stay up there?

[321] We did one day.

[322] We went up for one night, packed up.

[323] That's fucking beautiful.

[324] So we get into the...

[325] I went early because I'm old.

[326] So I get in my tent around 1130.

[327] Around 1 .30, I hear them zipping up that tent.

[328] And they get in.

[329] And then as soon as they got in their tent, a pack of coyotes.

[330] And I don't know if you ever heard.

[331] heard a pack of coyotes?

[332] Oh, yeah, sure.

[333] I've never heard them.

[334] I didn't understand the noise.

[335] It sounds like something's being murdered.

[336] I thought, oh, something like that.

[337] It's like, it's the scariest fucking sound.

[338] You know what they're doing when they do that?

[339] They do roll call.

[340] Is that what they're doing?

[341] Yeah, they're making sure.

[342] Either they kill something and they want to let everybody know that they killed something, so they let all the other coyotes know, or they're doing roll call.

[343] And here's what's interesting.

[344] When they do roll call, if one of the coyotes doesn't respond, that means the coyote probably got killed.

[345] And when a coyote gets killed, the female coyotes in the pack produce more litter.

[346] It's one of the reasons why coyotes are everywhere.

[347] They're one of the most unusual animals in North America in that when their populations decrease, the female litters increase.

[348] Like they make more babies and they spread their territory out.

[349] Because they used to be limited to the West.

[350] But then when in the 1800s and the 1900s, when people started shooting them and running them off, like when they extirpated the wolves, like wolves are basically they were...

[351] Did you use the word extirpated?

[352] Yeah.

[353] When they removed the wolves.

[354] Thank you for dumbing it down.

[355] Yeah.

[356] When they removed all the, they killed all the wolves in the West.

[357] When they were doing that to the coyotes, it didn't work.

[358] The coyotes just spread out.

[359] And now there's coyotes in every city in America.

[360] Yeah.

[361] And they're wolves.

[362] I just saw it got hit on the West Side Highway.

[363] Yeah, they're everywhere.

[364] They're all, they're in Manhattan.

[365] They're all over Central Park.

[366] And then people are like, no way.

[367] Like, yeah, there's videos of them in the Bronx and abandoned houses.

[368] 100%.

[369] Yeah.

[370] But we were, I do, we're four hours away from anything.

[371] It's 1 .30 in the morning.

[372] It's me, Ari Shafir, and Joe List.

[373] Not the.

[374] Most robust humans.

[375] Not the Navy SEAL team you're looking for, right?

[376] You know, I'm huge, right?

[377] Did you guys bring a firearm or anything?

[378] I had my jack, I had my knife, my bushcraft knife.

[379] Oh, there you go.

[380] I already had one.

[381] I gave Joe List my broken buck knife that he didn't know was broken.

[382] And I had bear spray.

[383] I took bear spray just in case, you know?

[384] And, I mean, they screamed, dude, it was terrifying.

[385] Terrifying.

[386] The noise is terrifying.

[387] And then right when it stopped, Joe List went, what do we do about that?

[388] That's awesome.

[389] And then my, then my pad, my sleeping pad broke, it just pops.

[390] Oh, you got one of those air pads?

[391] No, I was just, dude, I'm, you know, I'm huge at the time.

[392] I'm fucking massive.

[393] It's not my, wasn't my weight, you know what I mean?

[394] It just popped it.

[395] So I got to keep rolling around all night.

[396] Ari keeps hearing me roll around trying to get my pad together, and he thinks I'm being attacked.

[397] So Ari in the middle of the day, Bobby, what the fuck's happening?

[398] Are you all right?

[399] Are you all right?

[400] I'm like, I'm fucking fine.

[401] My pad's broken.

[402] fuck up.

[403] So crazy.

[404] Yeah, it's crazy.

[405] We've done it a couple times.

[406] Oh, that's awesome.

[407] We've gone out a couple times.

[408] I got a whole show I'm shooting next summer, comedy camp.

[409] Really?

[410] Yeah, dude, I'm taking five comics up into the woods for five days.

[411] No cell phones.

[412] No managers, no nothing.

[413] If you bring, no managers, that's hilarious.

[414] Would your manager want to go?

[415] Who's fucking manager would want to go there?

[416] Well, some of these things that, you know, there's a hotel or you break or you go back to the thing or your agents there.

[417] Dude, I'm taking Jim Norton.

[418] I'm taking Russell Peters, Beth Stelling.

[419] I'm taking myself, and there's one more comic we're going to pick.

[420] We'll go into the woods for five days.

[421] That's amazing.

[422] We're going to do bushcrafting.

[423] You're going to light the fire and you get patches on your sash like a Girl Scout.

[424] And whoever raised money for charity, whoever wins, gives a certain amount of money to the charity.

[425] You're going to do a solo in the woods, by yourself, set up your camp, set up your fire, do all that shit for comics.

[426] It's like, you know, the show alone, right?

[427] Mm -hmm.

[428] It's one of my favorite shows ever.

[429] It's a great show.

[430] It's such a good show.

[431] I had one of the guys who won on the podcast.

[432] I saw it.

[433] It was really, really interesting.

[434] He's fascinating.

[435] They all are.

[436] This guy lived with the tribal people in Siberia.

[437] Right.

[438] He lived with reindeer herders, which is really amazing.

[439] See, I love, if I had another life, dude, I would go do that shit.

[440] I would go, I would just, fuck all, just let it go and go how to just live.

[441] You know, those guys are out there.

[442] What a show concept.

[443] Whoever stays the longest wins.

[444] And you can always tell who's going to be kicked off or who's going to leave first.

[445] I'll miss my kid.

[446] That guy Jordan, who went out there, he was stealing.

[447] He was stealing.

[448] He had so much information.

[449] It was like a rig game.

[450] Is that the guy who killed the moose?

[451] Yeah.

[452] Like, he was so far ahead of.

[453] everybody it's like he was stealing money it's like you're not but you're not staying out there long than that guy well yeah but it's funny because the guys who have the kids and the wife that they love they're gone yeah they're just done it's hard it's hard i get it but it's like it's three days in and you're like i miss my wife it's like dude shut up just yeah at least do 20 days you know what you mean and he jordan did i think 60 something day i think the most is 80 something wow and this guy I think he had a shovel, a sharp shovel, and he just knew how to do it.

[454] I forget his name.

[455] I follow him on Instagram.

[456] But that guy, he knows that fat is the key to surviving.

[457] Well, remember a wolverine ate his fat?

[458] Yeah.

[459] And so he had to kill the wolverine, so he killed the wolverine with a fucking axe.

[460] Yeah.

[461] That's some man shit.

[462] That's hard shit.

[463] That's some hardcore shit.

[464] I ran into a badger when I was in, did I tell you about this, Jamie?

[465] I didn't tell you.

[466] I ran into a badger when I was in Utah in the mountains hunting a couple weeks ago.

[467] And we stopped the truck.

[468] The headlights were on this badger was in the middle of the road.

[469] And I said, let me go get a fucking photo with this badger.

[470] And as I walked up to it and started filming it, its hair went up and it started walking towards me. This little thing.

[471] Yeah.

[472] And I'm like, oh, whoops, got to go.

[473] I fucking jump back.

[474] Do you see that video of the badger fighting a pack of lions?

[475] I've seen that, yeah.

[476] That's crazy.

[477] No, it's amazing.

[478] And it won.

[479] Yeah, they're fucking terrifying animals.

[480] They're so ferocious.

[481] I'm going to find this.

[482] I got this in here It's It's amazing that an animal That's small Like a wolverine or a badger That big animals are terrified of it Like big predators are terrified of it Like what the fuck What are they doing?

[483] Let me find this That show is so great But even that guy Because it's like okay fine I know the animals The moose will kill you Wolverine will kill you But if you know what you're doing You're the top of the food chain Yeah if you know what you're doing if you know what you're doing you're the top and that guy was pretty amazing well humans with weapons are always at the top of the food chain but humans without weapons are at the bottom I mean you can get killed by a rat like you have very little shot at anything you're a fucking a human with no weapon right got it in here somewhere I'm not gonna fire oh there it is here I'll send it see jamie cigar is so good they're good right no this is the one of the most people who get a cigar like it's my cigar it's garbage I No, like when Nick from Foundation Cigar sent these to me, I was very skeptical.

[484] Yeah.

[485] Very skeptical.

[486] It's such a great cigar.

[487] I mean, it's one of my favorites, and it's crazy you can't even get it.

[488] Well, yeah, look at it.

[489] This is it right here.

[490] So, give me some volume here.

[491] So this is, we're, it's like just at the end of the day.

[492] Hey, man. Amen.

[493] So I'm just walking up to it, trying to film it.

[494] Jesus.

[495] And I'm like, nope, got to go.

[496] See you.

[497] Yeah, exactly.

[498] I love it.

[499] Anytime somebody sees an animal, we always talk to them like it's like a surfer.

[500] Hey, what's up, dude?

[501] What up, bro?

[502] Hey, bro.

[503] Hey, man, you're cool, dude?

[504] Yeah, you're not cool?

[505] Okay.

[506] I'd never seen one in a while before.

[507] That's wild.

[508] They're just such an interesting looking, like a little pit bull covered in fur.

[509] Right.

[510] It's funny because I bought a tiny house.

[511] I was telling you up in New Hampshire.

[512] And I want to see animals so bad.

[513] We went up, we go up in the summertime for two months.

[514] You don't see anything up there?

[515] I haven't seen, I saw a deer, but I know there's, I know there's bear, I know there's a lot of bear.

[516] I know there's a lot of mere cats and, you know, mountain lions and stuff like that, but I haven't seen them.

[517] When you want to see them is when you don't see him.

[518] There's moose up there, too.

[519] Moose is everything up there.

[520] There was more animal sightings in Westchester on my ring cam than there was.

[521] The deer.

[522] Deer in Westchester are off the charts.

[523] There's so many.

[524] There's bear, too.

[525] There's bear.

[526] There's a bobcat.

[527] There's a bobcat.

[528] There's coyote everywhere.

[529] They have a real bear problem in New Jersey.

[530] You want to know about this?

[531] This is kind of crazy.

[532] The highest population of bears in the entire country is in New Jersey.

[533] That's crazy.

[534] There's more bears per capita in New Jersey.

[535] Because you can't kill them.

[536] Because you can't kill them now.

[537] They used to be able to until this new governor.

[538] This new governor came along.

[539] Let's stop the bear hunt.

[540] They're teddy bears and they're young.

[541] Yogi, and they're our friends.

[542] Did you see the video?

[543] I posted the video on my Instagram yesterday of a hiker.

[544] He's climbing up this mountain, and the bear comes down the mountain and tries to eat him.

[545] Yeah, I saw that.

[546] And he's, like, screaming.

[547] And the noises this guy makes, pull that up.

[548] The noises this guy makes are so fucking primal.

[549] He's like, because he's about to get, let me, give me a second.

[550] Look at that.

[551] that's a small bear too he's lucky that's probably like a six foot bear I can't I can't fuck with him though dude because you think you'd think you'd do something no there's not much you can do it was really interesting like you play it again because at the beginning of it he's um he's it comes right down at him right down from the top and tries to bite him and then runs back at him he's lucky he had the high ground after that he kicks like a bitch too he's lucky He's lucky that barrack.

[552] He just bite his foot off.

[553] Poor guy, man. Those noises.

[554] Jesus Christ, those noises are so primal.

[555] Poor dude.

[556] Is that what you calling him?

[557] Yeah.

[558] Primal?

[559] That's, ah!

[560] You know, Anthony Coomy sent me a text message this morning.

[561] He was like, that's like what you would, like caveman noises.

[562] You'd expect a caveman.

[563] Ah!

[564] That's what it sounds like.

[565] It's funny.

[566] It's like the fucking, the DNA of you.

[567] Like the, forget.

[568] You get about your language, just noise.

[569] Ugh!

[570] Because you don't know, you, I always think I know what I do.

[571] Bear, bear, you know, you're supposed to, you see the bear, back bear, like in my head.

[572] But if that happened to me, I'd probably make the same.

[573] 100 % I'd make that noise.

[574] Probably a little higher pitched.

[575] Well, 100 % I'd have a gun.

[576] Yeah.

[577] So I'd shoot that thing right in the fucking face, 100%.

[578] You know, you can only kick them so many times.

[579] Like, if you have a gun on you, that's way better.

[580] That situation is scary because people get eaten by bears all the time.

[581] It is a common occurrence.

[582] But bear spray, I heard this, bear spray is less effective than regular mace.

[583] Really?

[584] Because they don't want to hurt.

[585] We can go wash our eyes out.

[586] Bears can't.

[587] So they make it less powerful because they can't wipe their eyes off.

[588] Is that true?

[589] Yeah.

[590] I didn't know that.

[591] I mean, it's true because I said it.

[592] I would have thought it would be more powerful.

[593] They come in these big.

[594] Can you can't It's less powerful Because they can't go Wipe their face off You know They can't go to a lake And just get their eyes out You know So they make it less powerful Oh I mean that's a fact For me Fuck that That's I would take mace Yeah I don't give a fuck They're washing their eyes out I heard bears But they don't Like a black bear A black bear You become bigger A brown bear You become smaller Right?

[595] It depends That situation That was a black bear You just fucking say goodbye Yeah polar bear you're fucked Yeah Polar bears are different because they only eat meat.

[596] Right.

[597] So a black bear will eat berries, and it'll eat leaves and grass, and it'll also eat meat.

[598] A grizzly bear, same thing.

[599] Polar bear, there's no grass where it lives.

[600] So all they do is eat meat.

[601] They're the most predatory of all bears.

[602] Yeah, yeah.

[603] You ever heard of a short -faced bear?

[604] No. That was the bear that probably kept human beings from crossing the Bering Strait.

[605] The Bering land mass, during the Ice Age, when the continents were connected and you could walk from Asia.

[606] to America, there was a bear called the short -faced bear that died off when all the megafauna died somewhere around 12 ,000 years ago, there was a mass extinction of megafauna and the short -faced bear was amongst them.

[607] It was like twice the size of a polar bear.

[608] Jesus Christ.

[609] And it had long limbs.

[610] So it's like a cat.

[611] Find a photo of a short -faced bear in comparison to a person.

[612] Look at the fucking size of that thing.

[613] I mean, could you imagine if you saw that thing running towards you like what do you what you know that's it you're done but this is why i love man because they found a way to take that down and make a coat out of it with with a rock connected to a stick yeah they were like listen man fucking look at that thing man just imagine being a primitive man with like animal skins covering your dick wander to the forest trying to find a squirrel to feed to your children why don't they make a movie they made one movie a long time ago with a crazy bear.

[614] I don't know if you remember it.

[615] I forget the name of it.

[616] There was, you know, some nuclear lake and the animals ate out of it and tadpoles were this big.

[617] And there was a fucking bear like that just going around killing everybody.

[618] What was it called?

[619] I started with a pee.

[620] It was scary as shit, though.

[621] Prophecy.

[622] Oh, I remember that.

[623] Remember this movie?

[624] That was 1979?

[625] Right.

[626] Wow.

[627] You know, that's when Alien was, the movie Alien?

[628] that was 1979.

[629] Yeah, I thought it was way later than that.

[630] That's prophecy.

[631] Look at that fucking stupid thing.

[632] That thing.

[633] These people would just be in a tent and it just goes and just, oh my God, that's amazing.

[634] Yeah, look at the car.

[635] That's like, ah.

[636] Nice truck.

[637] Look at that bear.

[638] Was that a defender?

[639] That's an old Jeep maybe.

[640] That's a fucking, that's hilarious.

[641] Yeah, you think you would have like, oh, this is the movie?

[642] cool old cars oh look who's in it oh my god what's her face from rocky and that's suck that she's what's her face from rocky that's what's her face from rocky that's what's her face from rocky it's adrian talia shire that's uh what's his name's sister who polly polly's sister no no no she was hot uh the guy who directed the godfather oh oh oh really francis for coppola what am i that's his sister that's his sister no she was hot When he took the glasses off of her, I was like, holy shit.

[643] She's hot on her.

[644] How hot was she in Rocky, three?

[645] Ooh, when she got pretty.

[646] When Rocky got pretty, too.

[647] Remember he was all handsome, he had the suit on?

[648] Shredded.

[649] Yeah.

[650] Got soft rock.

[651] What you got the robot, the gay robot?

[652] Mm, look at that.

[653] It's the greatest robot ever.

[654] Prophecy.

[655] What the fuck?

[656] That's the tadpole?

[657] What is that?

[658] That's a bear baby?

[659] I think that's a baby bear.

[660] Oh, Jesus Christ.

[661] That's a wolf.

[662] In the nuclear lake.

[663] Yeah, the lake and the tadpole.

[664] These people, let me climb in this fucking nuclear lake and let this thing free.

[665] Imagine, there's a lake filled with nuclear radiation that's turning a tadpole into that thing.

[666] And this guy's like, let's climb on in with no hazmat suits.

[667] Oh, we got a helicopter?

[668] Let me bring this thing to safety.

[669] He's got a kid.

[670] He's cuddling that little baby.

[671] Yeah, we'll bring it to safety.

[672] And then the big bear comes looking for its baby.

[673] Is that the story?

[674] Yeah, I think that is the story.

[675] And then what's her name from Rocky?

[676] Yeah.

[677] That's, she's so pretty.

[678] She was hot.

[679] God, she's gorgeous.

[680] Yeah.

[681] That's like the best -looking kind of Italian woman.

[682] Those features.

[683] Yeah.

[684] What a stupid movie.

[685] It's a dumb movie.

[686] Stupid, but it's great.

[687] There's some great dumb movies for those days.

[688] They should make a new bear movie.

[689] They should.

[690] With one of those.

[691] Yeah.

[692] Or maybe a short -faced bear.

[693] Like maybe someone brings one of them things back to life.

[694] Well, they're trying to bring back woolly mammoths.

[695] There's a lot of assholes that want to bring back everything.

[696] Like 90 % of everything that ever lived is extinct I think it's more than 90 % Things go extinct, they're bad designs Fuck the dodo bird It's over, let it go Don't bring it back I want a dodo bird I want a taradactyl I want a taradactyl to eat all the fucking pigeons In New York There was a place on earth Where they thought that taradactals Were still a lot Get the fuck Yeah there was like one of them Legend things Where people were claiming To see enormous birds bird -like creatures that had like 17 -foot wingspans and they were thinking that teradactal still existed.

[697] It was like some tropical place.

[698] Was it Tampa?

[699] I'm telling you, Tampa's...

[700] It's wild.

[701] I stay at my friend, you know Mike Kalta, right?

[702] I stay at his house when I go down there, I play the side splitters, right?

[703] Speaking of Tampa, I filmed my special down there too, not to segue into that.

[704] Special looks great.

[705] Did you get it?

[706] Yeah, I did.

[707] And it's on Louise.

[708] You're doing it on louisck .com?

[709] Louisc .com.

[710] He actually, he's the best, dude.

[711] He came to me. I was opening for him in Europe, and he was like, do you have a special?

[712] I was like, no, I can't.

[713] Nobody will give me one.

[714] There it is.

[715] Killbox.

[716] Nobody will give me one.

[717] And he's like, I'm shooting your special.

[718] What club was this at?

[719] We made this.

[720] Because I told them, we sat down and like, what do you want to do?

[721] I was like, Elvis is 68 special.

[722] It's a comeback special.

[723] I want that look where 10 by 10 stage, 12 inches off the ground, surrounded by people.

[724] I want it to be like the best, like the seller.

[725] Sides, killbox.

[726] You know that that's a term that we use.

[727] Dude, the place is a killbox, the store, you know.

[728] Killbox.

[729] So we created this stage where coastal creatives in St. Pete, we went in there and they were like, you can do whatever you want.

[730] They gave us comp launch.

[731] So Louis got his whole team, his, you know, his Emmy Grammy Award winning team that does all his specials and put them on me. And he showed up and we shot this special.

[732] I tried to get a outfit like Elvis, but nothing fit at the time.

[733] So I could only get that jacket and I couldn't zip it.

[734] But we shot this special, man. So that was Anthony Giridonnell's crew, the same people that do my stuff.

[735] Is it?

[736] Yeah, they do all my specials too.

[737] Dude, they're the best.

[738] Because I wrote this on a piece of paper.

[739] I drew it.

[740] Like, this is what I want.

[741] And then you show up that day and you're like, holy shit.

[742] Anthony is the, he's the director of the UFC.

[743] Is he?

[744] Yes.

[745] And he's directed my first special for me in 2009.

[746] I know he does Louise.

[747] Then he was, I think he was involved.

[748] Brady was involved.

[749] Leah.

[750] Oh, Brady.

[751] Okay.

[752] Yeah.

[753] That's the people, positive image.

[754] Yeah.

[755] I mean, everybody.

[756] They're the best.

[757] They're the best.

[758] I couldn't believe.

[759] that I went into this empty space.

[760] You go in there and you can do whatever you want.

[761] And I came back on show day and I walked in and they did it.

[762] That's why I love show business.

[763] That's why I love Hollywood.

[764] That's the part I love.

[765] People can make things happen.

[766] It's like impossible to me. Like in my head, I'm like, dude.

[767] And then Louis comes in.

[768] I step on stage.

[769] I'm like, dude, I love it.

[770] It's perfect.

[771] Louis comes in because he's a genius.

[772] And he goes, this is wrong, that's wrong.

[773] Put this over there, do this.

[774] I need 50 more people over here.

[775] I need 75.

[776] Put tickets, Bobby.

[777] Go to your Instagram, sell more tickets.

[778] I want to fill this in 30 minutes.

[779] And he made it 100 % better.

[780] Wow.

[781] Because he just sees what he wants.

[782] He changed camera views.

[783] He did all the stuff.

[784] And they had it.

[785] And then by the time we shot, it was unbelievable.

[786] And it was, we did two shows.

[787] A lady almost died.

[788] Wow.

[789] What happened?

[790] Dude, I go on stage.

[791] I got Mike Coulter's, band pit bull toddler just a Florida you know a bunch of chubby dudes and t -shirts drumming they're awesome they just jamming kicking ass and he's one of my best friends he's my best friend Mike Calta and he goes ladies and gentlemen with his radio voice give it up for Robert Kelly camera goes down I walk out it's perfect I get on stage I'm like this is great 20 minutes and I'm like in your head you know you film a specials I got it I'm in it yeah I'm in it I'm in this and then I hear help her I was like what the fuck please help her center stage second row this guy's wife just Caesar I don't know and I go is she alright he goes no Bobby now he's using my name oh Jesus fucking nuts Bobby help her Did you keep it in the special it's not in the special dude this is the fucking nuts.

[792] So we're going to release it later.

[793] Oh, no. Did you get a release from her?

[794] I'm going to talk to them.

[795] So I go, here, give her my water.

[796] So I give her my stage water.

[797] And I mean, tables, chairs are flipped, lights are on.

[798] I'm off stage.

[799] There's chairs on the stage.

[800] I was just murdering on at my special.

[801] And everybody knows, when you shoot a special, you have two shows.

[802] The first one you get, the second one is just to have fun, right?

[803] Right.

[804] And I was doing it.

[805] I'm off stage.

[806] I immediately get a stress eye headache.

[807] I'm like, my head's pounding.

[808] I'm like, what the fuck?

[809] I see they're dragging this lady out.

[810] And Louie's right there.

[811] And as soon as they drag her by Louis and she's past him, he goes, we're good.

[812] We're good, man. Let's go.

[813] Like as soon as she was out the door, he was like, let's do it.

[814] We're going to go.

[815] So you take the chair's off the stage.

[816] They take everything and they replace.

[817] Were you in the middle of a bit?

[818] Dude, the middle of it.

[819] Did you start it from the beginning again?

[820] I just started making fun of the situation.

[821] Like your comic instincts take over.

[822] I don't even know what I said.

[823] It was like being in a fight.

[824] Like, you don't, I didn't know what happened.

[825] Right.

[826] I was fucked, dude.

[827] I went on, I finished, I killed, you know, I did the rest, but you're in, I got a headache.

[828] Dude, it was nuts.

[829] I go back in the dressing room.

[830] I clear it out.

[831] I'm like, what the fuck?

[832] you know, I was I was fucked in my head and Louie comes in he's like, dude, we're good, we're good I'm like, no we're not dude, I don't know what the hell I don't know, I'm like holding my head and he's all of a sudden he gives me this he gives me this Martin Luther King speech pep talk like he's like Martin Luther King once said didn't work then he goes to JFK fucking didn't work then he holds up a video of Tom Brady given a speech and it's like you know when I was there they didn't want me it wasn't fast enough I wasn't this and that worked Tom Brady fucking dude fucking worked I was like fucking let's do this oh that's amazing and we went on on the next show and killed it and and got it and she lived like dude I came up to her is she okay he goes I don't fucking know I don't give a shit we had another show today she said alright I was like I don't give a kid We got another show We're gonna know the show I gotta get this He paid for everything You know what I mean It's all on his dime So he's like We got his fucking show dude I gotta get you right Motherfucker Yeah So we went out did it We got it And I love Tampa They They're wild people Dude Florida Dude Florida saved me During the pandemic That's why I was gonna do it in Boston But I'm like When that happened I lost 55 shows In one night I had a theater tour going with creeps with kids.

[833] Ron Bennington, Voss, Florentine, and me were doing this great theater thing that was sold out and it all went away in one night.

[834] Like I got a call from my agent Matt Frost.

[835] He's like, dude, it's all gone.

[836] I'm like, what?

[837] He goes, all your shows.

[838] And it's like, dude, I'm not a, you know, I'm a club guy too, you know?

[839] So this was, I finally had a theater tour that was successful.

[840] I was kind of crawling my way and I finally had that, like, all right, let's do this.

[841] This is great.

[842] And it was gone.

[843] So Florida Save my ass Because side spliters Versanis MacCurdies You know All these clubs down there I could go down And fill the place up And do shows So I was like I gotta go down there And do this And Mike Calta You know Promoted the fuck out of it So Well it was one of the only places where you could do shows It was one of the only place You could do shows But you could do shows Without the masks Yes Because to be honest Dude I'd rather not perform Then I can't I need your mouth.

[844] I need your mouth.

[845] Because other than that, the eyebrow movement is the same as a great joke or you're offended.

[846] You know what I mean?

[847] And you hear, boom.

[848] Yeah, I don't know if you hate me or love me. It's the same Muppet shit.

[849] Laughter through a mask is just very strange.

[850] It was the worst.

[851] I only did one show with people with masks on in the crowd.

[852] Well, I did a few outside with Chappelle where they were supposed to have masks on, but people didn't really have masks on.

[853] most people like fuck it because it was in texas yeah that was like peak pandemic right but i did a show in um in houston we did the improv in houston when you were still allowed to do shows indoors and uh people had masks on yeah it's very strange oh these the the special dude it was nobody gave a fuck we jammed them in there like sardines nobody gave a shit down when was this when did you film it we filmed it in i think in march um yeah march um we went down there we went down there one night rocked it out and then Louis put it on his website man which is nuts it's great because he's creating his own it's like okay I love that we don't have to ask I don't have to get a yes anymore it's like all right you don't like me whatever the fuck reason Netflix whoever it's fine I'm cool I don't I don't hate you know what I mean it's not like fuck them I don't I don't have time for that shit right and I just I didn't I couldn't afford to do it the way I wanted to do it I didn't I know I could do it another way, but I wanted it to be special.

[854] I believe that, you know, I wanted it to be special and I wanted, this was in my head, that Elvis comeback special was always like, that's the baddest Elvis ever, you know, and granted I was Elvis at the end of his career, not really at that time when he was peak, but, and Louis, this is why I love him, man, he just, he's like, I got it, okay, okay.

[855] I was like, great, and he did it, and he directed it.

[856] Because at one point he's like, we're going to maybe do this.

[857] I go, dude, I don't care if you're fucking using an iPhone.

[858] As long as your eye is looking through that camera, that's what I want, because I know what you know.

[859] You're one of the best.

[860] I had one of the best stand -up comics walking today.

[861] Ever.

[862] Ever, but alive right now.

[863] Yes.

[864] Directing your special.

[865] Paying for it.

[866] Paying for it.

[867] Directing for it.

[868] Directing it.

[869] Producing it.

[870] Yeah.

[871] Amazing.

[872] It's, it's, I can't, I can't tell you how amazing it was and to the pressure's on too because if you suck you know you got wasted his money and his time but he and he put it on his website which is nuts I mean that's crazy because that people covet you know you know when you get it it's hard not to covet it because you're so afraid of losing it but he's he's just like he's creating his own Netflix on his website the movies there his TV shows there yep his specials are all there yeah you can go there and pick what you want my specials there it's it's it's crazy that it's on there.

[873] It's brilliant.

[874] What he's doing is brilliant.

[875] And it's a perfect answer to the problems that he faced after getting canceled.

[876] I brought him to my club.

[877] I bought a club in Austin.

[878] And I brought him there right when we're about to pour cement.

[879] And he was like, make the stage shorter, drop the ceiling down, even lower.

[880] Like, do this, do that.

[881] I'm like, whatever he says.

[882] Just do whatever he says.

[883] Right.

[884] I didn't even, I just said, what else you think?

[885] He's like, so all the ideas that he had, we implemented all of them.

[886] They were perfect ideas.

[887] Right.

[888] Like the stage was a little too big and the small.

[889] room we have a small room that's like 120 people he's like why is this stage so big should be smaller i'm like you're right it should be smaller how much smaller he's like cut it cut it down here like let's do it yeah he has an eye for thing he's just he's like a like he shouldn't be doing comedy he should be like curing fucking cancer you know what i mean like his brain if he puts it in a direction he just does it it's like crazy like he's a really intelligent when you mix intelligence with humor it's so powerful yeah you have the same thing dude i mean i remember when i was coming i don't know if you know this but when i was coming up in boston i got a lot of shit for my comedy because that's when evening at the improv yeah comedy can't you know half hour all that stuff and i remember people telling me you have to clean it up you need seven minutes of clean material you need seven minutes of clean if you dude you're too dirty you talk about stuff and i'm like dude I just got out of rehab I was in jail at 13 my life is about bullshit and and and banging and I don't understand I don't I can't fucking read a newspaper I barely can read I don't what do you want to read you want to write topical shit I don't have that I'm you know and I remember I saw you on MTV's comedy half hour and you were talking about getting like how much pressure you apply to, you know, you don't want to, you know, hurt, you know, how much do you, how much to push your girls, I mean, is there a thing, you know what I mean?

[890] Oh, it was when a girl's like, I go, she's like kissing your lips and kissing your neck, but she's spending way too much time in this particular area.

[891] You're trying to encourage this downward trajectory of her affection.

[892] So you're like arching your back and you're putting your hand on your head, but you don't know how hard you can push her head before she gets mad.

[893] It was fucking genius to me because every guy has been to that because you don't want to be a fucking asshole.

[894] Right, right, right.

[895] But it's like, dude, this is doing nothing.

[896] Right.

[897] My nipples, I don't like it.

[898] What are you doing?

[899] And I was like, that's it.

[900] I go, that's what I want to do.

[901] That's the fucking comedy.

[902] That exists.

[903] But we were stuck in a time where there was a transitionary period between like doing sets for the Tonight Show, which made careers.

[904] Right.

[905] Like back then, Stephen Wright got on the Tonight Show, Richard Jenny.

[906] These guys got on the Tonight Show and it made their careers.

[907] Everybody knew them from the Tonight Show.

[908] But there was guys like you and me that were stuck in this.

[909] We were wild kids.

[910] And we were like early 20s.

[911] And we're like, that's not what I think about.

[912] And I remember there was a guy that I work with at Nick's Comedy Stop.

[913] And he was telling me this.

[914] You got to clean it up.

[915] You got to stop saying fuck.

[916] You got to do this.

[917] I go, but I go, but my favorite comics are like dice clay.

[918] And he goes, so you're not dice Clay.

[919] I go, well, Dice Clay wasn't Dice Clay until he became Dice Clay.

[920] Like, that's what I want to do.

[921] I don't want to do what you're doing.

[922] Yeah.

[923] Like, get it in your fucking head.

[924] That's not what I want to do.

[925] And he's like, well, you're going to work shit rooms?

[926] And I'm like, okay, well, that's what I have to do then.

[927] Because this is the comedy I want to do.

[928] I wanted to do comedy like Kinnison and Hicks.

[929] And that's what I wanted to do.

[930] I wanted to do wild shit.

[931] That was the shit I liked.

[932] Yeah.

[933] It was like being in a rock and roll band.

[934] And someone tells you you have to play classical music.

[935] Like, no, I want ACDC.

[936] That's what I like.

[937] I like highway to hell.

[938] Well, it is more profitable if you, like, it's more profitable.

[939] Back then it was.

[940] And even now.

[941] I mean, if.

[942] No, not anymore.

[943] Well, I mean, I think there is certain things you could do.

[944] I mean, the Tonight Show and all that stuff, I get it.

[945] But, you know, if you're, you could make a little more money.

[946] If you could, Instagram will, you know, fucking flag your shit.

[947] And if you're telling clean stuff, it can go to everywhere.

[948] Even on Sirius Radio.

[949] If you do a clean album, you'll make way more money.

[950] Yeah, but YouTube, if you have a set and, like, show.

[951] Schultz or someone like that, that, you know, his set got banned from a streaming website.

[952] One of the streamers, I almost said it.

[953] Nice catch.

[954] And they said, look, you got to edit this.

[955] And he's like, I'm not editing it.

[956] So I'm going to release it on my own website.

[957] Then I'll just put it on YouTube.

[958] YouTube, it's got like fucking 7 million views now in like a month.

[959] Schultz is the best.

[960] You see the shit he put about Kanye today?

[961] I didn't see it yet.

[962] Pull up his Instagram.

[963] He's the best.

[964] This Kanye's losing his mind.

[965] He's helped me a lot with this, too.

[966] He actually, I did his podcast, but he came up.

[967] He goes, give me, I want your clip person.

[968] I want to put me on a text thread with them.

[969] I want to tell them exactly what.

[970] He's another guy who doesn't covet.

[971] He's just like, dude, I'm going to tell you what to do.

[972] Do what I say.

[973] And shit's going to happen.

[974] And he is 100 % right.

[975] He figured it out.

[976] And he shares that information if you want it.

[977] And he's helped me out so much.

[978] He's a great guy.

[979] He's a fucking, he's a great guy, man. He's a funny motherfucker.

[980] And he's on the path.

[981] He's fucking focused.

[982] He's on the path.

[983] He's on the path.

[984] Do you find?

[985] I had to type his entire name in to get his name to pop pop.

[986] Ah, he's a shadow band.

[987] Hold up, but put it up for the beginning.

[988] He's like a classic Hollywood star from back of the day, too, his looks.

[989] You gopher face Deutschebeck.

[990] This week, Kanye went on a media blitzkrieg.

[991] He threw so many stones at the Jews.

[992] He's now an honorary general in the West Bank, which is soon to be the only bank that will accept him.

[993] JP Morgan actually canceled his account.

[994] So the only transaction Kanye is going to have is when Kate, and drops off the kids.

[995] So what exactly did Ye say?

[996] Well, hungry, hungry Hitler went on drink champs with the most bloated cheeks I've ever seen on a human.

[997] The guy looks like a ninja turtle just had a root canal and proceeded to spout off more hate than a West Virginia water fountain.

[998] He claimed George Floyd was killed by fentanyl.

[999] Wrong.

[1000] Kanye, we have video evidence of a throat getting crushed and don't worry, Kim's not in it.

[1001] He blamed the Jews for trying to silence him.

[1002] Yay, the only Jew that's ever kept your mouth shut was the dentist that wired your jaw.

[1003] I hear some people saying Kanye did bring up some very strong points.

[1004] Yes, these points.

[1005] That's it.

[1006] Kanye isn't the free thinker he claims to be.

[1007] He just regurgitates the talking points to the latest pseudo -intellectual leach around him.

[1008] The only original thoughts Kanye's ever had are Amber Kim and Julia.

[1009] So, is Kanye insane?

[1010] Selfishly, I hope he is.

[1011] I'd rather believe this is the behavior of a guy battling bipolar disorder than except I've been supporting a black skinhead for decades.

[1012] So my message to you Chipmunk Cheeks is simple.

[1013] Get better.

[1014] Better friends.

[1015] Better therapists.

[1016] Better perspective on the world and better meds.

[1017] And good luck.

[1018] Because you're gonna need it.

[1019] He's so good, man. That thing that he did, the America series that he did on Netflix, like that, those like fast pace, he developed like a new kind of stand -up that you could do with no audience on Instagram because he doesn't have to wait for the laughs.

[1020] So he just hammers you.

[1021] bang bang bang bang bang because when people were doing like zoom stand up it was terrible because there's no laughter because there's no audience so what he figured out how to do is get rapid fire punch lines so that when you're watching it on your phone it's fucking genius yeah so he starts it on his phone remember turn your phone sideways does that it's great amazing it annoyed me i texted him i go dude i fuck i want to hit you with a shovel because i literally was like ugh this i got to turn it i got to watch it and then he takes that and does it to Netflix.

[1022] And it was fucking genius.

[1023] It was a great move during the pandemic.

[1024] Yeah, it's guys like him who figured it out.

[1025] And I love that.

[1026] That's why, like, this thing with Louis, it's like, I can do this and get it out there.

[1027] And people can go buy it, and we don't have to ask.

[1028] Yeah, you don't have to do anything.

[1029] Yeah.

[1030] That's the future, because there's fucking people that were the gatekeepers.

[1031] They don't know what they're doing.

[1032] They just don't.

[1033] They're executives.

[1034] They're not artists.

[1035] They're not comedians.

[1036] They're not funny.

[1037] So if they are funny, they've never done stand -up.

[1038] If they've done stand -up, they'd be doing stand -up.

[1039] That's not what they do.

[1040] So them telling you to do that is like me telling someone how to play football.

[1041] I don't play football.

[1042] I don't know what the fuck to tell you.

[1043] I can say what you should do, but I'm probably going to be wrong.

[1044] These guys, they just get in the way.

[1045] And so to have someone who does it, like Louis or like Schultz or like someone like that, that's what we need.

[1046] That's the future.

[1047] Well, it's funny, too, because like Louie said to me, I was like, dude, I got this whole thing on weight.

[1048] He's like, I don't want that.

[1049] I want you to just kill.

[1050] Just, I want you to do a club set.

[1051] Like, you're at a club and kill for an hour.

[1052] That's all I want out of you.

[1053] I go, I got that hour.

[1054] I got it.

[1055] It's like, so this is a, it's not like that theater where you do and the thing swoops in and you deliver the thing.

[1056] No, it looks great.

[1057] It looks perfect.

[1058] I loved it.

[1059] Yeah.

[1060] I love that this is a thing now, that people are just figuring that out, you know, and Louis really is at the front of the line of that shit.

[1061] Louis and Schultz.

[1062] And Schultz, absolutely.

[1063] This is the future.

[1064] The future is not these fucking gatekeepers and executives because all those people are, like, if you say some wild shit on a special and then someone tries to bring it to a streaming service and then the people start getting upset and protesting, that's on them.

[1065] Who greenlit this?

[1066] Who said Bobby Kelly can say these things?

[1067] And I get it from their perspective.

[1068] They've got mortgages and kids in private school.

[1069] I know what the fuck is going on.

[1070] But that doesn't help us.

[1071] Right.

[1072] It doesn't help the people.

[1073] Because you're not seeing stuff that you might think would be offensive, but you laugh at it, and that's our job.

[1074] Well, also, how many people are complaining versus how many people are enjoying it?

[1075] It's a lack of perspective because they're only paying attention to the people that are writing emails and making these fucking campaigns.

[1076] And those people are losers.

[1077] For the most part, the people that get upset at a comedian telling jokes to the point where they want to contact sponsors and contact banks, they don't have anything going on with their life.

[1078] and their thing is to try to get some sort of a result out of their efforts, and their efforts are negative to cancel you.

[1079] If you don't like it, you don't have to listen.

[1080] If you don't like a Quentin Tarantino movie where Brad Pitt smashes a woman's face on a mantelpiece, don't watch it.

[1081] But that's the movie.

[1082] That's the fit.

[1083] That's the art. You don't have to, there's a lot of films that I don't like.

[1084] There's a lot of rap lyrics that I don't agree with.

[1085] But that's fine.

[1086] You don't have to listen.

[1087] You don't have to watch it.

[1088] But this, today's kids, these activist -minded kids think that they have some sort of a civil, civic duty to try to, like, remove you from the entertainment ecosphere.

[1089] Right.

[1090] And this is what they have to deal with if they're at Netflix or if they're at any of these places.

[1091] Well, they made comedy punk rock again.

[1092] Yes.

[1093] They made us punk.

[1094] And it's like you did the wrong thing.

[1095] Yeah.

[1096] You did the wrong thing because now we're just going to go do it ourselves.

[1097] I remember we were trying to come up a name for the special.

[1098] And I said, he's like, what do you got?

[1099] I was like, can we call it?

[1100] Remember AIDS?

[1101] Because that's one of my jokes.

[1102] And he goes, yeah, yeah, if you want to call it that.

[1103] I go, are you sure?

[1104] He goes, dude, yeah, fucking call it whatever you want.

[1105] That's beautiful.

[1106] You can call a fucking dead crack babies.

[1107] I love his last specials name, Sorry.

[1108] It was the greatest with it behind him.

[1109] The giant sorry behind it.

[1110] It was unbelievable.

[1111] It's amazing.

[1112] I was like, dude, where is the sorry?

[1113] I want that.

[1114] He threw it out.

[1115] I was like, I would have put that...

[1116] He threw it out?

[1117] The giant sorry?

[1118] I was like, I would have put that on my, like, my land in New Hampshire.

[1119] I would have put it in the woods just in the back, like hikers walking...

[1120] Get all rusty, covered with leaves and shit.

[1121] Could you imagine be a hiker just walking through the woods?

[1122] Is that sorry from the Louis C .J. special?

[1123] That would be fucking epic.

[1124] Holy shit.

[1125] Yeah.

[1126] Yeah, he's great.

[1127] The whole thing is this whole thing that they pushed us into this corner.

[1128] Yeah.

[1129] And now we're just doing, we're just helping each other.

[1130] Yeah.

[1131] Which is amazing to me. guy we don't need you anymore well it happened at the perfect time because these all these things sort of combined together and one of the things that happened was the internet and through the internet we no longer are competing against each other so we're all now assets to each other right because like we do each other's podcasts we support each other's stand up like if someone's got some cool shit i put it up on my instagram all that stuff just helps everybody right and instead of like the like when i was coming up in the 90s when you would get on a sitcom I you I remember there was like all this resentment from other people that I knew that like had agents that sent them out for the same roles.

[1132] So we would, you know, if we're all like kind of the same age and there's like a guy who's like a fucking character on a sitcom, you're going up for it, he's going up for it.

[1133] And if he gets it, you're like, fuck, that could have been me. And you see him on the CBS promo smiling.

[1134] You're like, ah, that could have been me. I remember when Kevin James got his sitcom And when he was They were like playing these ads for the sitcom And I remember some comedians like That's like fucking fuck that show And it's not I go, you're saying that because you wish it was you Like what are you talking about?

[1135] You don't think it's funny?

[1136] It's funny.

[1137] Watch it.

[1138] It's a funny show.

[1139] You're only upset because you feel like Because someone else is successful Somehow or another it took something away from you But it doesn't change the fact that it's successful You're only damaging your own mind by thinking that way.

[1140] Well, success, they kind of mind fuck you with the success thing because you have the potential to have dreams come true.

[1141] Things you felt as a little kid or places you wanted to go or things you wanted to get or the life you wanted is this potential that that could happen in this business, right?

[1142] Yeah.

[1143] If I was a painter, I mean, you're going to But in this business, you could become that thing that you dreamed about as a kid.

[1144] And there's a time when you have to realize, at least for me, where I looked around one day and I'm trying to become this thing.

[1145] And I'm like, I'm successful right now.

[1146] I have a house.

[1147] I got a wife.

[1148] I got a son.

[1149] I have two cars.

[1150] One's a truck and one's a Honda CRV.

[1151] but I have it Like I have all this stuff From talking shit I'm talking shit I did it I'm out Whatever else I have Is gravy Is gravy I have friends Real friends And I'm like I did it That's making it That's making it Yes And I can go on any stage And fucking make people laugh And you know what the opposite of that is There's people that are very successful They're very famous They have shows.

[1152] They have this.

[1153] They have that and no one likes them.

[1154] Yeah.

[1155] They're the opposite.

[1156] That's not making it.

[1157] It's not making it.

[1158] You think you're making it because on paper you're successful.

[1159] So you're always trying to compare your success to other people's success and you're always trying to stay ahead of them because it's the only thing you have.

[1160] That's it.

[1161] Because you don't have the friends and you don't have the family and you don't have love from your your peers and like just fun times hanging out talking shit.

[1162] You don't have gratitude.

[1163] Right.

[1164] You don't have gratitude.

[1165] Every day I wake up in the morning.

[1166] and I don't touch my phone.

[1167] First thing, I was touching my phone.

[1168] I don't touch it.

[1169] I sit on my bed and I think about what I'm grateful for.

[1170] It's usually my kid, my wife, my friends, my family.

[1171] And all of a sudden, I smile.

[1172] Every day, I start to smile.

[1173] That's awesome.

[1174] And then I go about my day.

[1175] Because if I wake up and I just go and I grab the wheel and I just start, I fucking smash into shit.

[1176] Right.

[1177] You get, you're on momentum.

[1178] then if i wake up and just take that five or ten minutes to just think about all the great shit that i'm i'm grateful for and it's not any fame it's not any it never goes there it's always starts with my son and then it goes to my wife and i and things around like us things we're going to do and i'm like oh and i just start to smile and then i'm good i'm good if i don't do that i'm yelling at somebody or i'm fucking angry and the the anxieties that's in the fear sets in because anxiety and fear turn into anger for me and then all of a sudden I'm like this fucking guy and this and then I'm like but I'm at the point now where I can be like chill go sit down think about what you got you're it's great it's fantastic you know and and now it's it's it's why that's why I bought the tiny house like in the middle of the pandemic I'm not rich dude I don't I don't have a lot of money you know I mean after this appearance my special.

[1179] We'll sell millions of things and I'll be rich and we'll get cars together and I'll move to fucking Austin and I'll fucking play your club.

[1180] Get yourself a Chevelle.

[1181] I'd love a Chevelle.

[1182] I'm fucking favorite car.

[1183] It's such a badass car.

[1184] But, you know, in the middle of it, I'm sitting there, I told my wife, I'm like, okay, everything was taken away.

[1185] All the fame, all the shows, money.

[1186] I'm figuring out how to make money.

[1187] I got us.

[1188] Don't worry about it.

[1189] But we got each other.

[1190] I go, I'm waiting to buy land.

[1191] in the country and I'm waiting to get the lake house and be, I'm waiting to become famous, to become a millionaire to be happy.

[1192] No. Let's just do it now.

[1193] Let's be happy.

[1194] Let's go be happy right now.

[1195] I went and bought a tiny house from like the tiny homes of Maine, this awesome couple in the fucking woods of Maine.

[1196] They build these amazing houses.

[1197] Is it like a prefab where they like put together, do you get to design it online?

[1198] You design it.

[1199] You can go on, go, we drove up there.

[1200] I met them.

[1201] They live on a 60.

[1202] Do you have a website?

[1203] Yeah, Tiny Homes from Maine.

[1204] Go to Tiny Homes?

[1205] They have 68 acres.

[1206] They live on an old Christmas tree farm.

[1207] Oh, wow.

[1208] To me and my wife and my son and my dog drove up there.

[1209] It was like eight hours.

[1210] We had to stop and Bangor for the night.

[1211] We went up there.

[1212] They let us into the home.

[1213] They're past Bangor?

[1214] Yeah.

[1215] It's near Canada.

[1216] Oh, Jesus.

[1217] And we hung out with this couple.

[1218] They're the coolest couple ever.

[1219] There it is.

[1220] Tiny Homes of Maine.

[1221] That's my house right there.

[1222] Which one?

[1223] that's the one that's my that's what I have right there wow so that's fucking cool where the bed is is our living room that's max is my son's loft that's where the kitchen table is where the couch is and you know and then you could take those stairs up to my sleeping loft and so the kitchen table folds out no well it can but we leave it out and then uh yeah like they've fucking great we have a full kitchen full bathroom shower so it's like a job giant camper it's well yeah yeah it's it is but they they you customize the whole thing and it's fucking cool and we went up there we met with these people we hung out with them and we bought the house off them and it's not that expensive that's great and they take it on on wheels well we didn't we we we had a built out there no we had no they drove it down they drove it down they drove it down from Maine yeah oh so they drive it down in a giant truck and then they piece it together we had to buy the land first we went from their house to New Hampshire and bought I bought two and a half acres in the white mountains of New Hampshire and but behind my land is 500 acres of forest oh wow so we had my contract the guy bought the land off of Barry such a great guy and he did all the land so we had a septic put in we had dug a well that thing's hooked up so we just so now solar power or anything up there not yet we have power I have k I have Wi -Fi I don't have cable there's no cable We have a Wi -Fi because I do my podcasting up there.

[1224] So in the summer, June and July, we go up to New Hampshire, and my kid goes to camp in New Hampshire, and I go out of there.

[1225] So if I do get a gig, it's got to be a big gig, I'll leave there.

[1226] So this whole summer, two months, I was up in New Hampshire in the tiny house.

[1227] It was the best summer of our lives.

[1228] My kid was going to camp, but there's a difference.

[1229] You go to camp in Westchester?

[1230] you're at a college pool playing in dirt and a kickball in a school yard you go up there dude he did a sleepover on an island he's canoeing he's hiking 4 ,000 foot mountains uh he's I gave him a pellet gun he's shooting a pellet gun I gave him a bow and arrow he's we're going to get our hunting license next year me and him really yeah dude he's it's like I I love see he walked out in the woods one day he woke up he had all camo and he was out in the woods with his bow and just walking around and I was like fucking thank you thank you you know great and uh and you don't need anything dude you don't need it one thing I learned when I went to LA remember remember a pilot season oh yeah oh so anxiety filled yeah there was like everyone's freaking out it's three months you'd have to go to L .A. for pilot season because that's where they did all the casting yeah I remember that first went in 93 it's terrifying it was so weird I remember I went out there I rented a apartment in West Hollywood, and there was one fork, one spoon, one knife, one plate, one bowl, one cup.

[1231] Was it one of those apartments like, what are they called?

[1232] Oakwoods, remember those?

[1233] You know, they had those prefab places?

[1234] Yeah.

[1235] That's where I stayed when I first moved there.

[1236] Norton stayed there too, and he had cockroaches.

[1237] Oh, yeah, of everything.

[1238] Coyotes.

[1239] This is a dude's apartment above a garage.

[1240] Oh, so you just read it?

[1241] It's like an Airbnb.

[1242] Oh, okay.

[1243] And I realized that's all you need is one, I need one fork.

[1244] Yeah.

[1245] I need one spoon.

[1246] I don't need.

[1247] Yeah, just wash it.

[1248] 75.

[1249] Yeah.

[1250] So when we got this, I was like, baby, we don't need, we don't need it.

[1251] We don't need all the space.

[1252] We don't need all this shit.

[1253] We're together.

[1254] I mean, you have to love your family.

[1255] If you get a tiny home, you can't love your son and like your wife.

[1256] Right.

[1257] Because you're a murderer.

[1258] Like, if you kind of like your wife, get a house.

[1259] Get a place you can hide.

[1260] Yeah.

[1261] Yeah, but it was so, never even think about it.

[1262] I remember when I first moved to L .A., it was in 94, and I got an apartment in North Hollywood, and it was a nice apartment with a loft, and I had a pool table in my apartment, and I would come home to my apartment, I'm like, this is crazy.

[1263] I can't believe I live here.

[1264] This is amazing.

[1265] And then after a while, I got used to it.

[1266] And then I remember sitting down on the floor of my apartment one day going, oh, okay, it's just home.

[1267] Like, you get used to everything.

[1268] Yeah.

[1269] And even if you're like, like, now I live in a really nice house.

[1270] But it's just a house.

[1271] Yeah.

[1272] You get used to it, you know?

[1273] Yeah.

[1274] Like every, it's just home.

[1275] Like, most things like that, like big, giant crazy things, they're very overrated.

[1276] Right.

[1277] They're not worth the effort that it takes to acquire them and you don't get the level of satisfaction out of having them that you think you would.

[1278] There's some things you're going to enjoy in life.

[1279] Like, some things that I still enjoy, like, I still enjoy cars.

[1280] Like, I still enjoy hot rods, and I still enjoy, like, I get a wild thrill out of driving them.

[1281] It just feels, it's like taking a drug.

[1282] It's like, ah, it's fun.

[1283] But most of those things that people try to acquire, they just look good to other people because they're unattainable.

[1284] Yeah.

[1285] Because, like, you see that big house on the hill, like, wow, who lives there?

[1286] Yeah.

[1287] The guy who lives there, that's just his fucking house.

[1288] That's it.

[1289] Once he gets in there and he's watching TV, it's just a fucking house.

[1290] Yeah.

[1291] You know, he's eating dinner.

[1292] It's just a house.

[1293] Yeah.

[1294] If you don't have good quality of life.

[1295] inside of that, like a wife that you love, children that are happy.

[1296] If you don't have that, then you have nothing.

[1297] You have nonsense.

[1298] I would wake up every day while we're up in the tiny house, and I'd walk with the dog.

[1299] I'd just walk up the country roads every day.

[1300] I would walk up the streets with the dog and take a three -mile walk and come back, and then I'd meditate for like 20 minutes out in front in the woods.

[1301] and then my kid would come out and sit with me and it's like that's the shit you do like five o 'clock I remember five o 'clock would come around and we'd just jump in the truck and go fishing down the street until the sun went down and then we come back and we grill and then I start a fire we sit by the fire and have the shit scared out of us every five seconds because you think well the thing is when you're in like at my house in Westchester if you hear something in the woods, it's probably, you know, a Jewish guy.

[1302] There's a Jewish temple behind my house.

[1303] You know what I mean?

[1304] It's, it's a neighbor or something.

[1305] It's maybe a squirrel.

[1306] When you're up there, if you hear something, it's something.

[1307] Like, it's not nothing.

[1308] Like, you have to, you kind of got to be ready because it could be something.

[1309] It could be a bear.

[1310] It could be a deer.

[1311] It could be a bear.

[1312] It could be fucking anything.

[1313] So it is, like, no matter how much I want to man up and be like, it's good, we're good.

[1314] I have that flashlight and you're like this every five seconds looking for eyes but there's something about that there's something about that fear of...

[1315] It's exciting.

[1316] Dude, there's something about the woods man that scares the...

[1317] I am petrified in the woods I'm petrified I'm petrified like when me and Ari went out to the woods and we went camping I did it with Paul Verzi one that was the funniest thing ever though I took Paul Verzi up in the woods how did he handle it Dude.

[1318] Verzi's the best, dude.

[1319] Dude, he shows up with fucking camo nikes.

[1320] He's like, these are good, right?

[1321] I'm like, dude, just because they're camo.

[1322] He's like, no, these are hiking.

[1323] These are hikin' knikis.

[1324] I'm like, no, no. And then I go, I go, dude, okay.

[1325] So I prepared his backpack in my backpack for a night up in the woods.

[1326] I go, okay, I'm explaining everything.

[1327] Like, okay, here's your poop bag.

[1328] What?

[1329] What?

[1330] I go, you poop bag.

[1331] You got a trowel.

[1332] He goes, what do you mean?

[1333] I got to.

[1334] I go, when you have to poop, you can't just shit in the woods, dude.

[1335] You can't.

[1336] You got to dig a hole.

[1337] Shit in the hole.

[1338] I explain to the whole thing.

[1339] He's like, all right, dude.

[1340] Okay.

[1341] So we're driving up there and he's just off in the distance.

[1342] And he's like, I'm like, what's up?

[1343] He's like, listen, here's the deal.

[1344] I got it.

[1345] I got to figure it out.

[1346] Because I can't shit in the woods.

[1347] We're going to go to Dunk of Donuts right now.

[1348] We're going to get two sausage egg sandwiches each.

[1349] We're going to get a large coffee, each, ice coffee.

[1350] We're going to truck it down, suck it all down.

[1351] That's going to push all the shit out of us.

[1352] We're going to shit at Dunkin' Donuts, and then we'll be good for the night.

[1353] We'll come home tomorrow.

[1354] It'll be good.

[1355] I was like, all right, dude.

[1356] So I go to Dunkin' DDo's, we get the sandwiches, we get there, we eat it, drink it, and we both shit.

[1357] In Dunkin' Dunds.

[1358] Dude, it worked.

[1359] It fucking worked.

[1360] It has a plan.

[1361] We shit at Dunkin' Donuts.

[1362] We didn't have to shit all night.

[1363] Then halfway up the mountain, right?

[1364] I go You got your blanket Where's your blanket?

[1365] Because I didn't see it on his bed He goes, I left it at the truck And I was like Oh fuck He's like, am I fucked?

[1366] I go Dude, it's like an hour back I go, you're fine But I knew People don't understand Camping is not comfortable It's not You're not gonna All the gear you can get You're not going to be comfortable Unless you're car camping At a KLA or something You get cots and whatever I was like, you'll be fine.

[1367] And I knew it was going to drop to like 60 something, you know?

[1368] So we got all the way up there where, you know, I got my Japanese saw and he's cutting the wood and we're getting all the stuff and we found a little sight and we cooking sausages on steaks and he made a vampire spear for some reason.

[1369] I don't know.

[1370] He's like, dude, just in case.

[1371] A vampire spear?

[1372] It's a spear?

[1373] Like a steak through the heart type deal?

[1374] Like he sharpened it and everything Dude he made a vampire He was serious That was the only weapon he brought That's it He's like dude In case somebody comes I'll fucking like a vampire I'll stick him to the heart Was he serious or was he fucking 100 % serious Good I'm gonna fanpies dude You know what I mean 100 % Dude you stick him right to the hot You know Good But he But you didn't understand When the sun and everything's up It's great It's awesome It's the woods It's beautiful But when the sun goes away and it's dark something happens like it gets and I am I'm still frightened you get scared dude because yeah it's scary you don't know what's going on it's natural instincts yeah it's a weird feeling when that sun goes away and you have that little flashlight and you have the light of the fire and there's nobody around for a long time and if you do hear somebody if you know you it's weird it's a weird thing and we got up there and we hung out and you'd hear coyotes in the distance and you'd hear stuff in the bushes and stuff walking towards you and it was great just to see him panic you know and I had to kind of keep my shit together then we went to bed and uh he had no blanket and it dropped to like 65 which is fucking awful did he have clothes that he could like double up and triple up I woke up the next morning he can't he had my little solo tennis tent, my little, my little ultralight tent, and I was in my hammock.

[1375] I had a really nice hammock, our mechanic, these awesome hammocks.

[1376] And I woke up and he comes out of the tent.

[1377] He had all his clothes on.

[1378] So he had shorts on his head.

[1379] He had shorts and stuff.

[1380] He had socks on his hands.

[1381] He just took all his stuff and put it on because he was so fucking cold.

[1382] And we both snore, so I would wake him up, and then he would wake me up.

[1383] Oh, no. All night, dude.

[1384] It was fucking, it was epic.

[1385] Going with him was one of my funnest times ever because he was so like, what the fuck?

[1386] He'll go over the next day and it's shit all over.

[1387] Dude, he was freezing out last night.

[1388] He goes, he was going to jump on the hammock with me. He was like, dude, I was going.

[1389] Yeah.

[1390] I want to do a solo trip by myself, but my wife won't let me do it.

[1391] That's sketchy.

[1392] Why?

[1393] If you get injured.

[1394] Yeah, I guess.

[1395] Break an ankle.

[1396] You're fucked.

[1397] I'm fucked.

[1398] I'm fucked.

[1399] You know, you got the new iPhone, SOS.

[1400] Yeah.

[1401] You know, where you can call somebody, but I just think that I'm so afraid of it, Joe.

[1402] I'm so afraid of going out in the woods by myself that I kind of, I just want to do it.

[1403] Hmm.

[1404] I just want to.

[1405] I have a lot of friends who do solo hunting trips.

[1406] I see that a lot of?

[1407] Yeah.

[1408] They go with a large pack on their back, and they go out deep, deep into the woods, and they'll spend a week out there hunting by themselves.

[1409] And if they get an animal, they pack it out on their back.

[1410] They're bow hunting, too.

[1411] There's something about that where it's like I wish I could, I wish I could go back 10 years and learn how to do that.

[1412] You can learn now.

[1413] You're alive now.

[1414] You don't have to go back.

[1415] I hate when people say that.

[1416] I wish I did it when I was younger.

[1417] Yeah, but you didn't.

[1418] So you're alive right now.

[1419] And when you're 80, you'll go, oh, I wish I did it when I was 50.

[1420] No, you're absolutely right.

[1421] I mean, I am going to get, I'm going to take a hunting course next year when we get up there me and my son because he wants to hunt uh they have courses up there yeah you can take a course uh i think it's a three -day course oh that's great you can jump in so we're gonna take that it's just like who's the guy that i saw you and callan go out with steve ranella yeah i love his show oh he's great i love him i love it and i see him just go out there you know by himself with a with a backpack and just sleep on the on the ground yeah like no tent no not just fucking curl up on the ground it's like you know like the fact that we did that not too long ago you know when you think about it what 150 years ago people were yeah were doing that like nothing it was normal it was normal it's normal for steve steve rnell when we we went mule deer hunting a couple years back in nevada and uh he fucking slept on the ground he just uh lays out a sleeping bag on the ground because it was summer because it was pretty warm out where we went and you know just fucking climb to the sleeping bag fucking goes asleep on the ground it's right there no tent no nothing it's fucking crazy I'm a big fan of westerns and they would just pull over light of fire have some coffee just lie down and just lie down the pillow was there saddle and the thing is when that fire goes out and you look up at the stars like oh it's so peaceful it puts it all in a perspective I love going to the woods when I go hunting every year whenever I come back, I tell my wife, like, I need to do this more often.

[1422] And it's not even just about killing an animal and eating it.

[1423] It's really about the reset.

[1424] Like going out there and being alone and being, you know, away from civilization completely and seeing wild animals and hearing them and stalking them and going up the mountains.

[1425] It's just everything about it is, it requires all of your focus.

[1426] Yeah.

[1427] And it also, it's like a good reset for my mind.

[1428] It makes me miss my family.

[1429] It makes me miss my friends.

[1430] It makes me very appreciative of things.

[1431] It just puts it all into perspective.

[1432] There's no cell phone service up there, so you're not checking your social media.

[1433] You're not doing shit.

[1434] All you're doing is just up there being one with nature, being a part of nature.

[1435] Yeah.

[1436] It's, it's, uh, and to know, you have to know about the things you're in.

[1437] You have to know about nature.

[1438] You have to know about trees.

[1439] You have to know about plants.

[1440] You You have to know about the animals.

[1441] And it's a long learning curve.

[1442] Yeah.

[1443] You know, when I first went hunting with Ronella was 2012, so it was 10 years ago, that video with me and Callan.

[1444] Yeah.

[1445] And I didn't know jack shit.

[1446] I mean, I'd been fishing a few times.

[1447] But what had happened was I had seen a bunch of PETA videos, and I was like, okay, I'm either going to become a vegetarian or I'm going to become a hunter.

[1448] Because I don't want to be a part of this factory farming thing.

[1449] It's just horrific.

[1450] Yeah.

[1451] And so we went, and I shot that.

[1452] deer right there that that's skull that's on the table that's the reason why it's there that was the first animal that i killed and ate i ate it all in like three months and uh i was like i can't wait to go back that's what i want to do now i just want to eat wild animals yeah and just go out there and get my own food and just the reset alone and calen and i had the best time because he got two comics and a bunch of these like hard -nosed fucking you know like hard camp and hunters and Callan's taking his shit and we put like a silver flag in it we put a flag in his shit and I took a picture of him and he's like sitting there squatty we had a fucking blast we were just crying laughing because Callan if like he has a captive audience he's one of the funniest motherfuckers alive and he was he had this character that he did called the ravine comer so he would go to a ravine and pretend like he's coming in the ravine and like I'm not doing it justice we were fucking tears we were butchering a deer while Callins pretended to jack off into a ravine he's pulling his pants down so we're always seen his butt and he's like pretending to jack off into this ravine he created this character oh my god it was so fun even in that show he was fucking killing it oh my god and so much of it we left out we have to leave out the ravine comer the ravine comer neighbor that's not the name of the episode It never made the cut We had so much fun But it was also, it was beautiful I remember we were eating over a fire We were There was a I think one scene actually did make it in Because when I went to shoot that deer I had to crawl to a position And lay the rifle down on a rock To get a good spot And I crawled right over a cactus So I had cactus storms All over my legs So I had my pants down by the fire.

[1453] I think there's a video of it online of Callan with needle nose pliers pulling, pulling cactus thorns out of my ass and legs while we're eating this meat over a fire.

[1454] That's a friend.

[1455] Oh, that's a friend.

[1456] But when we were there eating that meat over the fire, it was so satisfying and the meat was so good because it was so fresh and it was like, you know, we just put salt on it.

[1457] Like, maybe salt and little pepper, and we're just frying, you know, but we're grilling it over this fire.

[1458] And I remember thinking, I want to do this for the rest of my life.

[1459] Yeah.

[1460] Like, this is the most fun, the most, the food was so delicious, and it was so satisfying.

[1461] And if you've never had wild game before, like, people have this idea like gamey, taste bad.

[1462] Like, no, no, no, no, no, that's nonsense.

[1463] That's just the only time wild meat is gamey is when people prepare it wrong, when they let it go bad or it gets dirty or the glands of the.

[1464] animal, when they're in the rut, when they're mating, they have a tarsal gland that's a gland on their leg.

[1465] And if you puncture that gland and that the scent gets on the meat, it tastes like shit.

[1466] But that's just a lack of proper preparation.

[1467] You just have to be careful and treat it with respect.

[1468] And the meat is delicious.

[1469] I think you should, I feel like everybody should know how to hunt.

[1470] Because if stuff does go south, I remember in New York with the blackout, I don't know if you remember that back in wherever the fuck it was.

[1471] I remember it turned so wild when that sun went down.

[1472] There was no lights, quick, a day.

[1473] I told my wife, I go, there's no electricity.

[1474] All the delis were given out their ice cream.

[1475] It was all, you know, and everybody was having a good time.

[1476] I go, where are you?

[1477] She goes, I'm down having margaritas in Soho.

[1478] I'm going to get your ass on the highway and walk home right now.

[1479] Wow.

[1480] There was people, regular people directing traffic because people were almost getting killed because there was no street lights.

[1481] People trying to get out of the city.

[1482] So, you know, there was not enough cops.

[1483] I go walk up the West Side Highway, get home.

[1484] The big high rises, there was no lights.

[1485] You couldn't, like people had to walk in these dark hallways, 40 flights.

[1486] No elevators.

[1487] So people were like staying on the bottom floor with flashlights to help people up to their apartments.

[1488] Wow.

[1489] And I remember we took a walk, one block.

[1490] We were on 43rd between 10th and 11th.

[1491] We walked up to 9th and we turned around because it was chaos.

[1492] You know who didn't give a fuck?

[1493] Who?

[1494] Homeless people.

[1495] Look at that.

[1496] Is that what it was like?

[1497] Look at that.

[1498] Wow.

[1499] That's one day, a few hours without electricity in Manhattan.

[1500] And it turned crazy.

[1501] What about the people that were stuck on the trains?

[1502] Yeah, they had to walk out through the subway.

[1503] Walk out through those tunnels with all those fucking rats.

[1504] Yeah.

[1505] They had a walk out through the.

[1506] And there's actually buildings in New York.

[1507] I don't know if you know this.

[1508] There's townhouses.

[1509] They look like townhouses, but they're empty.

[1510] They're actually subway escape routes.

[1511] They're vents for the subway.

[1512] It looks like a brownstone.

[1513] But inside it's a vent for the subway.

[1514] And if people get stuck in the subway, they actually come out through that brownstone.

[1515] Look at all those people walking out through the subways.

[1516] How long did the blackout last for?

[1517] One night.

[1518] That's it?

[1519] We walked up to 9th Ave. There was barrels on fire.

[1520] a homeless guy came up and we with a friend of ours grabbed the girl's ass like stuck his hand in her twat it was like and we turned around and went back to the house and just sat in the house I stayed up all night wow I mean that's one night and the city went chaos look at all those people walking on the bridge do fucking shit holy fucking shit look at all those people on that bridge Is that crazy?

[1521] That's scary.

[1522] That's wild.

[1523] That frightens me. That's wild.

[1524] Well, that's a zombie movie, right?

[1525] That's how it goes down.

[1526] Look at that cool motherfucker with a saxophone.

[1527] That dude probably got all the pussy.

[1528] He got all that pandemic pussy.

[1529] I mean, it's whip back.

[1530] I mean, that means shit right now.

[1531] Yeah.

[1532] It's shit.

[1533] Yeah.

[1534] The sun went down.

[1535] New York City was just like being in New Hampshire.

[1536] We had a power outage out here a couple.

[1537] Was it a year and a half ago, Jamie?

[1538] Yeah, February.

[1539] February, 20.

[1540] and um it was weird it was weird because it snowed and so no one out here knows how to drive in the snow at all and then the roads iced over because they don't have plows so the it was like freezing rain and then you know worst conditions ever freezing rain first then snow so you have a layer of ice over the roads and then you have snow on top of that and just people sliding off crashing into each other no one knew what the fuck to do they'll have SUVs four -wheel drive they don't how to use it.

[1541] Well, they have SUVs with street tires on them.

[1542] They have like a cayenne, you know, Porsche a cayenne with a fat, it's like fucking sports car tires.

[1543] Yeah.

[1544] They're terrible.

[1545] I have a 1995 land cruiser that I had built for the apocalypse.

[1546] I had, like, I'm coming to your house.

[1547] Come up to my house.

[1548] I have tons of meat, literally.

[1549] Yeah, I've, I've commercial freezers filled with meat.

[1550] I have three commercial freezers here filled with meat.

[1551] I'm not fucking around.

[1552] I fuck.

[1553] Yeah, no, I keep wild meat.

[1554] I give a lot of it to my friends and I cook a lot of it.

[1555] But when the shit goes down the real problem is not meat it's bullets like how how many bullets do you have right like if you you have a box of bullets what's that a hundred bullets yeah you know how quick 100 bullets goes when you're hunting yeah you're trying to find meat like how good a shot are you right like do you do you do you know about the wind you know about like keeping away from like you have to have scent like you have to have a scent you like so or a a wind detector so what it is is like talcum powder and you have a little bottle like when you hunt you squeeze this bottle in the air and a mist of smoke like talcum powder goes in the air and then it drifts which way the wind goes it's a wind detector right so you know you have to be on the right side of the wind if you are above the deer and the wind is blowing down towards them they're going to run away from hundreds of yards away so you have to plan the wind correctly so as you walk it in you got to like it's not easy Like the idea that, oh, yeah, oh, I got a gun, I'll be fine.

[1556] You're not going to be fine.

[1557] First of all, the animals are going to figure out real quick that they're being hunted.

[1558] So they're going to disappear, and they're going to go nocturnal.

[1559] And you're not going to find them.

[1560] Plus, people don't know that, you know, you think that if something goes down, you just go kill a deer.

[1561] It's like, no, you get to kill a squirrel, kill a small animal and eat that, unless you know how to gut that deer and get that meat prepared.

[1562] Yeah, and if it's hot out, the deer's good for one day.

[1563] One day.

[1564] So you've got to know how to smoke it or whatever you do to it to keep it.

[1565] You're going to have to jerk it.

[1566] You're going to have to like take it and cut it off.

[1567] You have to jerk off the deer.

[1568] Take it.

[1569] You're going to make it slice it in the thin pieces and you're going to have to dry it out.

[1570] Yeah.

[1571] And even then it's not going to last forever.

[1572] You have to salt it.

[1573] We're fucked.

[1574] We're fucked.

[1575] We're fucked.

[1576] Not all of us.

[1577] You're not fucked.

[1578] I'm still kind of fucked because then it's going to then the real problem is not animals and food.

[1579] The real problem is people that don't have animals or food.

[1580] That's the real problem is that the, the other people that are around you.

[1581] Like, if you're in a highly populated area and it runs out of food, it doesn't matter what you have.

[1582] Like, your main problem now is other people that are desperate.

[1583] Right.

[1584] And you can only give them so much.

[1585] Like, you can't give them everything you have.

[1586] So even if you want to help out, the only way you've got to have a community.

[1587] And then everyone in the community has to chip in.

[1588] And you have to know that you can counter each other so you become an asset to each other and not like a competitor.

[1589] Right.

[1590] It's like the walking dead shit.

[1591] Yes, exactly.

[1592] Those zombies weren't the problem.

[1593] The problem was other people.

[1594] Yeah, that's right.

[1595] And that's fucking real.

[1596] Like, in Manhattan, if, like, if Manhattan gets hit with a nuke, you know, and then the power goes out, and then all the people in Westchester and all the people in Connecticut are the only ones to survive.

[1597] Ooh.

[1598] I saw that episode with, uh, what's her name?

[1599] Tulsi Gabbard.

[1600] Tulsi, I love her.

[1601] She scares the fuck out of me with that.

[1602] That commercial?

[1603] Well, they're talking about Russia.

[1604] Like, that sort of explanation of how quickly things can go badly and how we're controlling.

[1605] contributing to that by, you know, funneling money and funneling arms over to Ukraine.

[1606] As much as you think of what Russia has done is horrific, we're on the verge of nuclear war right now.

[1607] Yeah.

[1608] And there's a lot of people that are profiting off of that.

[1609] Unfortunately, there's a whole industry of arms manufacturers who are accelerating that.

[1610] I would suck if my special becomes a hit and then the fucking bomb hits.

[1611] And, you know, no Americans can even travel over to Russia.

[1612] It's fucking dangerous.

[1613] Brittany Griner is over there, you know, rotting in a fucking cell.

[1614] They gave her nine years for having a marijuana vape pen on her.

[1615] Meanwhile, like in America, we have Russian fighters that fight in the UFC all the time.

[1616] They're 100 % safe.

[1617] Yeah.

[1618] They come over here, they fight.

[1619] Piotr Yan from Russia is fighting for the title.

[1620] He's fighting this weekend.

[1621] Yeah.

[1622] I mean, we have plenty of Russians come over here.

[1623] They get treated fine.

[1624] But if you're an American and you go over to Russia, you're fucked.

[1625] Yeah.

[1626] Not good.

[1627] It sucks because we were kind of cool with them for a minute.

[1628] Forever.

[1629] Yes.

[1630] Dude, Roy Jones Jr. became a fucking Russian citizen.

[1631] He did.

[1632] How?

[1633] He's friends with Putin.

[1634] Because, you know, they love him for his boxing.

[1635] He had some fights over there and, you know, would go over there.

[1636] And so they gave him a Russian citizenship.

[1637] He got a Russian passport.

[1638] Yeah, we were cool with them for a while.

[1639] They were fucking wearing our jeans and shit.

[1640] Oh, yeah.

[1641] It's great.

[1642] Loving us.

[1643] I remember, who's it?

[1644] Noam from the comedy cell, the owner.

[1645] You know him?

[1646] love him one of my good friends he's genius too he's a lawyer he's a master musician he owns one of the best clubs in the country and he would go over there his band would play his band would go to Russia and do shows which was fucking great yeah he'd just go over there and do shows his friend my friend Andy or something has business over there so they just all go over there his whole band do shows for a week and then come back during the fucking invasion Louis was scheduled to do shows in Ukraine yeah and I'd text I was texting him.

[1647] I'm like, what are you doing?

[1648] He's like, I'm over here hiding in a bomb shelter.

[1649] I'm like, no, I'm not going.

[1650] He's like, I'm getting the fuck out of here.

[1651] He was a day from doing it, though.

[1652] He was going to do the show, period, even though they were invading Ukraine.

[1653] He would have been fucked.

[1654] Wouldn't be good.

[1655] Now?

[1656] No. Did you ever do any of the U .S .O tours?

[1657] No, I thought you would have done those.

[1658] Yeah, I was scared of getting blown up.

[1659] I went over there.

[1660] I went over there.

[1661] Quinn.

[1662] I went with Dane and Quinn.

[1663] I went Quinn the first time.

[1664] When I went with Quinn, it was right when the, war started and uh uh it was scary man i mean it was scary i can imagine we landed in um we were doing two shows a day so you'd fly in on a Chinook and um a helicopter yeah we're doing helicopters and uh i remember we flew in and we were at uh the palaces the one they didn't all the pay had 36 palaces or something and they didn't bomb any of them uh they sent one rocket through his bedroom window just to let them know what they could do because they used all those palaces as camps as bases because they're already fortified so they didn't have to make a base they just used it so I stayed at Uday's palace I took a shit on Saddam's gold toilet did you really yeah I got a picture of me taking a shit on his gold toilet ah it's on some I think it's on my my space you know my space what happened at Tom Tom fucking cashed out.

[1665] Tom made it.

[1666] But where is he?

[1667] I don't know, but he's a hero.

[1668] Tom never fucked with us.

[1669] He never edited anything.

[1670] Never.

[1671] He never He was your first friend?

[1672] Never.

[1673] Yeah, he was your friend.

[1674] Remember that you're sitting there sideways?

[1675] He never canceled anybody's account for misinformation.

[1676] Love Tom.

[1677] Imagine like going back to that time and thinking what the internet would become.

[1678] No one would have ever imagined.

[1679] No one would have ever imagined.

[1680] I mean, me and you were kind of you were doing it, I was doing it, websites.

[1681] Yeah.

[1682] Yeah.

[1683] you know videos but it was so new yeah no one had even an inkling of what it would become you know it was all it was so strange because all it was like you know you had to find out about a cool website and you would go to that you weren't even using search engines you would find out about a website from your friend like hey you've heard of the style project go there you go there you see like people getting eaten by animals and shit bullet wounds and stuff and wild crazy shit yeah you had Joe Rogan .net.

[1684] Yeah.

[1685] And you used to write blogs.

[1686] I had to buy .com.

[1687] Yeah, yeah.

[1688] Yeah, there was a real estate guy.

[1689] Where was he?

[1690] I think he was in Idaho.

[1691] I, hmm, I forget.

[1692] I think he's in Iowa.

[1693] Iowa.

[1694] No, Idaho, Idaho, Idaho.

[1695] And that's water, and this is coffee.

[1696] There's water in there with there.

[1697] But, yeah, I had to buy Joe Rogan .com.

[1698] I remember, you had it.

[1699] I had, I invented social media how'd you do that i uh fucking great response how'd you do that fucking perfect uh not questioning it at all i had remember guest books no okay there was a website you could just sign up called it was a guest book so your fans could come and leave comments and you could read them and reply to him oh it's just a guest book like almost like at a funeral or a When was this?

[1700] Oh, Jesus, man. This had to be 97, maybe 2000.

[1701] No, it had to be before then.

[1702] Right when I got to New York.

[1703] And it was like, you know, you could leave a comment, and they'd leave a comment.

[1704] And so what happened was, is I had this thing, and all these fans would come and leave comments.

[1705] Hey, I saw you here, blah, blah, blah, thanks for coming.

[1706] And I turned this guest book was supposed to be for funerals and weddings.

[1707] You'd use, I used it for comedy.

[1708] And then Norton, Keith Robinson, Billy Burr, Dane, they signed on as, you know, other people.

[1709] And started to fuck with you?

[1710] To fuck with you.

[1711] Norton, Norton was, Norton was Mr. AIDS.

[1712] And he said, he said, Robert Kelly's comedy is as funny as Charlie.

[1713] Rape with half the laughs.

[1714] I mean, it was nuts.

[1715] It was crazy.

[1716] And then, like, I remember, I knew who people were, but they didn't know who they were.

[1717] And they started fighting each other.

[1718] So I remember, like, Burr would come on and say stuff about, Burr was, I think, Dave and Chris and Keith Robinson was KWR superstar or something like that.

[1719] Dane was, I don't know, fucking two.

[1720] the top or some shit right and they started fighting each other and it was dude they were taking like days to go out and write like articles about each other and they were smashing each other it was fucking brutal i'm talking thousands of people were going to this every day just to read these fucked up comments that comics were saying about each other has aliases all of a sudden I get a I got a thing in the mail you have to stop it's from the FBI what child services or something it had a logo of these little kids just like sad you know and it was kind of like blurred out and like three little kids kids just sad and you have to take all the swears your language you've been reported and you're going to be fined $5 ,000 and jail time and I had to go I panic I went through and I had to take all the fucks out and the swears.

[1721] I took all the swears and stuff out and then I got another letter.

[1722] It's like it's not enough.

[1723] The things that are being said and I shut it down.

[1724] Was this serious?

[1725] It really was the FBI?

[1726] A year later, I'm on tour with Dane and I'm like, dude, remember that sightman?

[1727] That fucking thing with the, I'm so sad that's gone.

[1728] Remember how fun that was?

[1729] He goes, oh, that was me. It was him.

[1730] pretending to be the FBI.

[1731] He goes, dude, I couldn't take it anymore.

[1732] I was spending, like, two nights in a row all night trying to write.

[1733] I couldn't do it.

[1734] I was like, what?

[1735] I just created social media.

[1736] It was the hottest thing in the world.

[1737] And he couldn't handle it, so he killed the whole thing?

[1738] He killed it.

[1739] It's like when a kid's losing it a video game and he unplugs the box?

[1740] Dude, he unplugged the box, Joe.

[1741] Oh, my God.

[1742] Dude, it was nuts.

[1743] And he didn't even tell anybody.

[1744] Dude, didn't tell me. And I was like...

[1745] That's nefarious.

[1746] Dude, it was nuts.

[1747] That's kind of nefarious.

[1748] That he pretended to be the FBI?

[1749] Dude, it was not...

[1750] I mean, dude...

[1751] Child services?

[1752] Dude, it had a logo, a phone number.

[1753] I remember calling the number going, can I please talk to somebody?

[1754] Like, there was a number.

[1755] What happens when you call the number?

[1756] I don't know.

[1757] Left the voicemail.

[1758] It was this bullshit.

[1759] Wow.

[1760] But that was like the first...

[1761] I mean, I got petrified that I was going to get sued.

[1762] What a crazy way to handle the situation.

[1763] Instead of just getting out and not reading it, he decides to kill the whole thing he's killed why did you tell me it would have been hilarious is after I duched it he was like dude that was me you fucking idiot but a year later he tells you yeah weird that's so weird yeah that's very bizarre behavior yeah I remember we used to have websites I had crazy websites when they first remember websites were a thing I had a website I got to get I want to put it back up just for like a couple months I walked out me I walked out on the top like me as a person walked out and I grabbed the mic and I went and it just went and all the balls sprinkled around and then there was a ball in the middle that was my face but when you touched it it was liquid really?

[1764] Dude I had the best fucking websites who designed it for you I have this guy Kurt Iverson he's just this genius dude from he was from Kansas City and he did my websites but he was just a genius he would go out and just I would say this is what I want and then he would just create it where do you think this goes like we're looking back on the 90s on websites like wow remember that and now everyone is just deeply involved in social media and very few people put any time into their website now yeah where do you think this goes do you think it goes to like augmented reality or virtual reality think VR you think like the metaverse that kind of show.

[1765] Have you used the VR yet?

[1766] The Quest?

[1767] Yeah, I have.

[1768] When Zuckerberg was here, he showed me the new version of Meta, which is out now.

[1769] It's the new version of Oculus.

[1770] Yeah.

[1771] It's incredible.

[1772] One of the more interesting things was that you could tour places, like you can go to the Louvre in Paris, and you're walking around.

[1773] Yeah.

[1774] And so, like, you could just, like, go to there, and then it's like, there's people around you, moving around, because they filmed it while there was a crowd there.

[1775] Yeah.

[1776] So it doesn't feel exactly like you're there, but it's pretty fucking close You can go to a comedy show I went to a comedy show I sat in the front row and I turned around and there was people next to me and the comic looked at me and went like this I was like what's up and I saw a comedy show on Quest on Oculus Wow and I mean it was crazy so you could you could put a camera here and people could sit in on this podcast with us well they're doing virtual reality UFCs they're going to do that or you're going to be like inside the fucking octagon which is crazy like you're going to be like right there watching you'll you'll you could probably sit wherever you want i bet you could probably sit in the crowd or you could probably be watching from the octagon itself i love it i love technology i'm a big fan i love gadgets i love new shit and i i love that you can do that um number one it's too big they got to make it smaller they got to make it because you put that on you can only have it on for a certain amount of time.

[1777] Number two, it's got to be cheaper.

[1778] I mean, the new Oculus that Facebook is doing is $1 ,700.

[1779] It's like, dude, you got to make that $200 bucks somehow and smaller so that the average do.

[1780] But it's scary to me because during the pandemic, I was going to movies with friends.

[1781] We'd all put our Oculus on, and we'd meet at the movie theater.

[1782] Really?

[1783] Dude.

[1784] What movies?

[1785] We watched Caddyshack one night.

[1786] Like my friend plugged it into his computer and we went in and we sat down in the movie theater, all of us, eight of us in the movie theater watching Caddyshack and it was my little avatar that I made and I was looking over.

[1787] We're throwing popcorn at each other.

[1788] We were getting drinks, throwing stuff.

[1789] I remember it got really fucked up for me because other people could come in too because it's open to the universe.

[1790] And I remember a chick sat next.

[1791] to me. This chick with a mohawk sat next to me. And she was like, hi.

[1792] And I was like, hey.

[1793] And we waved.

[1794] And I was like, I got like, oh, I felt like I was cheating.

[1795] That was probably a dude.

[1796] A hundred percent.

[1797] It was a hundred percent.

[1798] It was a hundred percent.

[1799] It was a dude from Minneapolis.

[1800] Yeah.

[1801] Yeah.

[1802] But it was, it was, like I still had that emotion.

[1803] Right.

[1804] Like it's a real person.

[1805] A hot chick sat next to me at the movie theater.

[1806] Now wait till it gets to the point where that person could touch you.

[1807] Yeah.

[1808] And you feel it.

[1809] Is this the movie screen?

[1810] Wow.

[1811] So you can pick what theater you want.

[1812] So you walk in, you sit down, and you watch the movie just like you're in a movie theater.

[1813] Just like you're in a theater.

[1814] Are you talking to each other?

[1815] Yeah, you can talk.

[1816] You can't verbally, I can't forget.

[1817] I remember you could write stuff and it would come up or something in the chat or something like that.

[1818] But, yeah, we were in the theater.

[1819] Look at that.

[1820] This is incredible.

[1821] Experience 3D movies together.

[1822] Play your favorite PC games together.

[1823] Wow.

[1824] Can you do first person shooters, Jamie?

[1825] You can, but they're not good yet.

[1826] Look at that.

[1827] They're not good?

[1828] No, they're not good yet because we're used to playing Call of Duty and, you know, all that stuff.

[1829] They don't have that?

[1830] They have it, but it's a version of it, and it's not good yet.

[1831] There was a time where they were talking about doing these multi -directional treadmills.

[1832] Have you ever seen those things?

[1833] Are you like...

[1834] Am I having a stroke or did a star just shoot across the cell?

[1835] Yeah, I was like, shit.

[1836] I'm going to stroke on it.

[1837] Yeah, everybody freaks out about that.

[1838] Yeah, I'm sorry.

[1839] Tell people.

[1840] The last game they have for it.

[1841] What is this one?

[1842] So you move with your feet by moving your hands like that?

[1843] Yeah, they go like locomotion or something.

[1844] Oh, that looks stupid.

[1845] But no, but they do have foot things now.

[1846] They do have a thing that you put on your shoes and you just walk.

[1847] Oh.

[1848] So they do have it.

[1849] It's just not everybody has it.

[1850] So they are getting close to where you'll put the gloves on.

[1851] So now when you go to Oculus, remember how to use those little thumb things?

[1852] Now you can, it scans your hands.

[1853] and you don't have to use those things.

[1854] You can just use your hands.

[1855] Oh.

[1856] Your hand, it's nuts to me. Your hand comes up in front of your face, and it's your hand.

[1857] Are you holding anything in your hand?

[1858] Wow.

[1859] He didn't describe this to us, but I read it in their article of, they asked Zuckerberg, what else do you have that's cool with its coming?

[1860] And he said, EKG might be what it's called.

[1861] They have sensors for their wrist.

[1862] It looks probably like this strap from like my whoop strap.

[1863] And it's reading the way your wrist moves.

[1864] So the way they have it working right now is you put on like the sunglasses and you can do like a little like typing motion.

[1865] But they have it so that you can play video games with it and move your hand like a joystick.

[1866] But he said they have it developed to the point in testing right now where you don't even really have to move your fingers.

[1867] You can just sort of like think about it and it'll start doing it for you.

[1868] Like you can play a whole game without even moving.

[1869] So you'll attach something to your feet and then something to your hands and then you'll be able to like take your gun and explode it and then change parts make it into a different gun and then bring it back and and fucking start shooting people what i had seen was uh there was a thing where you were in a small circular treadmill but you're attached at the waist so um the the this the treadmill moves in any direction and it you move it with your feet like as you know those treadmills where they're self -propelled Like, it's not working on a machine.

[1870] It's like your foot is making the wheel spin.

[1871] Well, it's that, but it's circular.

[1872] So you move in any direction, and you're carrying like a plastic gun.

[1873] And then you have the virtual reality headset, and you're running around like you're in a real first -person shooter, but you're stationary.

[1874] Yeah.

[1875] But it's like you're strapped.

[1876] Is that, have they made, is that like a concept?

[1877] It's not, but I don't believe that anyone's got it to the point where it's, like, good.

[1878] Right.

[1879] Yeah, it's not there yet.

[1880] That would be perfect.

[1881] Like that kind of setup, if you had that kind of setup where you have a small treadmill and there was like a railing around it.

[1882] Here's a video of five different versions of it.

[1883] Like there's one where you can sit down.

[1884] Oh, that's ridiculous.

[1885] Yeah, that's the foot thing.

[1886] So you just moving your feet around as you're sitting.

[1887] So that's the one I'm talking about.

[1888] That's the one.

[1889] So it's like this circular thing.

[1890] So you can kind of go and it's called the virtualizer.

[1891] That's what it is.

[1892] And so you go in virtualizer.

[1893] elite two.

[1894] And so you move around.

[1895] And so as you're moving, you're actually getting a workout, which is pretty fucking cool too.

[1896] Because like, you know, dance dance revolution?

[1897] Yeah.

[1898] Fucking kids lost shit loads of weight and gotten great shape because they got addicted to that game.

[1899] And so it's like rewarding because the game is fun, but you're actually getting a benefit out of it.

[1900] So if you have this, this virtualizer, a different one.

[1901] So this one is a different, but it's the same kind of deal.

[1902] Like you're actually using your legs to move around.

[1903] And when you're doing this, you have a haptic feedback suit on.

[1904] So if you get shot, you feel it.

[1905] And look at that guy's running.

[1906] He's actually running.

[1907] So you're getting a good fucking workout.

[1908] Yeah.

[1909] The problem is, is that most guys who game are like, you know, 400 pounds.

[1910] Right, but you could lose weight like this.

[1911] The same thing with the Dance Dance Revolution thing.

[1912] Yeah.

[1913] Like a lot of people started out fat, but, you know, in Dance Dance Revolution, you have to move your feet really fast to get a good score.

[1914] And so if you're doing this and the faster you run, the faster you actually move in the game, that's fucking amazing.

[1915] Well, they have boxing on it, which is, dude, if you do that, it kills you.

[1916] Oh, it does.

[1917] And they have workout videos, too.

[1918] Yeah.

[1919] They have workouts.

[1920] You can go on the Oculus.

[1921] The only thing is, is that thing is just so heavy on you.

[1922] It's less heavy.

[1923] The new one's less heavy.

[1924] Once they make it smaller where it's less heavy, you'll be able to go to the gym and work out with a trainer in your living room.

[1925] Virtually.

[1926] Virtually.

[1927] I mean, did you try the porn?

[1928] No. Listen to me, man. I'm listening.

[1929] I will never go back to it because it's too.

[1930] Too much.

[1931] I was at the Comedy Connection of Rhode Island, and they had the thing.

[1932] He goes, put this on, and it was a porn.

[1933] And I'm sitting there.

[1934] It's after the show.

[1935] I'm at the bar.

[1936] All the waitresses and bartenders and the other comics are over there.

[1937] I'm sitting in a chair, and I put this on, and this girl comes up.

[1938] She's like, hey, baby.

[1939] But she's right there looking in my eyes.

[1940] And I'm looking around at her kitchen.

[1941] Like, I'm in her...

[1942] Whoa.

[1943] And then all of a sudden, you look down and you're...

[1944] You know, you get these muscle legs.

[1945] You look fantastic.

[1946] And then she starts talking to you.

[1947] And I started...

[1948] She started doing stuff to me. And I started...

[1949] I started...

[1950] I started...

[1951] Air -humping.

[1952] I was like, get these off me. I was literally...

[1953] Just like...

[1954] It's crazy.

[1955] And what's going to happen is the next level is going to be some sort of a neural interface where you're going to feel touch.

[1956] It's getting me, whether it's 10 years from now or 20 years from now, that's coming.

[1957] What you're going to do next, I think, with these things is you can customize it.

[1958] You can customize it.

[1959] So if there's a porn star you like, I'm friends with Bailey Jay.

[1960] You know Bailey Jay is?

[1961] Oh, yeah.

[1962] She's trans, right?

[1963] Trans, yeah.

[1964] Yeah.

[1965] Her husband, Matt, it's a good friend of mine.

[1966] I love them both.

[1967] But you'll be able to, like, he was talking to me about it.

[1968] He goes, the next stage in porn is virtual, where you could hire Bailey or any porn star you want, and they'll do, you'll go and do the porn.

[1969] Like, but it's yours.

[1970] And it's virtual.

[1971] So you keep it.

[1972] So you can go back.

[1973] So you go actually have sex with her.

[1974] Yeah.

[1975] And film it.

[1976] Film it.

[1977] You know what I mean?

[1978] Whoa.

[1979] And you'll have that porn forever where you can just put it on and have sex with whatever porn style you want virtually in your living room.

[1980] You can relive that moment over and over again.

[1981] Wow.

[1982] Yeah, virtual porn is nuts because you can see the person that you're there.

[1983] They're looking in your eyes.

[1984] Right.

[1985] Like if you watch regular porn, you're just a fly on the wall observing it, you know.

[1986] But when a smoking hot chick is looking at you and going, baby, baby, what do you want me to do?

[1987] You start talking back.

[1988] You go, I want you to.

[1989] And it's like, you took it off immediately.

[1990] I took it off immediately, dude.

[1991] I won't go back because it's the Matrix.

[1992] It's the Matrix.

[1993] I mean, the Matrix, it's funny.

[1994] When that movie came out, we're like, oh, this is fun because it'll never happen.

[1995] We're there.

[1996] We're pretty close.

[1997] We're, like, at the door.

[1998] We're reaching for the doorknob to the matrix.

[1999] Yeah.

[2000] We're ready to open up the door and step into it.

[2001] Some people are probably further ahead than others.

[2002] And then, again, these neural interfaces like neural link, when things like that, when they start doing that and they can send signals directly to your brain, whoa.

[2003] I was thinking of this, and I decided to Google before I asked you, have you heard of AI porn yet?

[2004] Because I imagine using all this AI technology we're seeing online right now, they have to have been working on this.

[2005] And it turns out they are, and this is what comes up on Google.

[2006] They look pretty good.

[2007] The thing about it is, like, you could say this is, like, non -exploitation porn, too, right?

[2008] Because it's not an actual human that got raised by shitty parents.

[2009] You know, this is like, you don't have to feel bad.

[2010] Because the problem with porn is when some girls are, when she's gagging and her fucking mascara is running, you're like, what happened to you?

[2011] That's the problem.

[2012] The problem is, like, you want to think she's just a free spirit, and she's, like, very, very.

[2013] healthy and she just enjoys sex and she gets off on it but the reality of that like sort of like public display of sexuality is oftentimes it stems from abuse yeah unfortunate i mean this is yeah this is crazy i mean they have it they have it if you if you google porn now if you're doing a porn they always have this type of stuff it fucking aggravates me because it's so loud like the the the uh the uh commercial before they have commercials before porn now.

[2014] You have to sit through for six seconds.

[2015] And it's always 10 decibels louder than the actual porn you're going to watch.

[2016] Right.

[2017] Just like old commercials.

[2018] Yeah.

[2019] Remember TV shows would come on and the commercial would come on and wake you up?

[2020] Yeah.

[2021] So you'll be in your hotel room trying to get some whatever, some, you know, best friend's mom porn.

[2022] And all of a sudden it's, you want that big boy?

[2023] You want that caught.

[2024] And you're like, ah, lower the volume.

[2025] Yeah, you're going to lower it down.

[2026] But they have that virtual point.

[2027] That's going to be, I mean, it's sad because we We're not going to leave our houses, man. We're not going to go anywhere.

[2028] You're not going to go to New York City.

[2029] To the woods.

[2030] You're not going to, you just walk the woods.

[2031] Go on a trail.

[2032] You know, go in the woods.

[2033] You're going to go to any way you want to go, you'll be able to go and just walk around.

[2034] Virtually.

[2035] It's going to be, you know what it is?

[2036] It's going to be Wally.

[2037] Remember Wally?

[2038] Yeah.

[2039] With just fat people.

[2040] Yeah.

[2041] We're Ready Player 1.

[2042] Yeah.

[2043] That was a fucking great movie.

[2044] Great fucking movie.

[2045] Yeah.

[2046] Are they doing a two?

[2047] You said you read the book, right?

[2048] The book I read.

[2049] Yes.

[2050] I mean, the movie and the book for the first one were not the same thing.

[2051] So I don't know.

[2052] Two would just be a different story too.

[2053] It would be great, though, like even my special.

[2054] If that was, if we did virtually, if we put a virtual camera, I think it's, the setup is weird.

[2055] You have to put it in a front row seat and it has to, I don't know, it has to go up in a certain way.

[2056] And then you have to join these videos together.

[2057] You have to like put them together, the way you put it together.

[2058] But think about that.

[2059] If you could go, if you're all over the world, if you could go and go to my special live the night we taped it, I could have sold tickets to the special worldwide.

[2060] Yeah.

[2061] Like, you're filming your next special.

[2062] Come see it.

[2063] You don't have to be where it is.

[2064] Right.

[2065] All over the world.

[2066] Come sit front row at my special for 50 bucks.

[2067] You can be at the special.

[2068] And everybody around the world puts their goggles on is front row at your special live.

[2069] That's amazing.

[2070] That's fucking nuts.

[2071] They have it where you're going to be able to be able to.

[2072] be a good of football, basketball, you'll buy a season ticket to a game and you're sitting there at the game watching it live from the 50 yard line.

[2073] Wow.

[2074] That would be great.

[2075] That would be great.

[2076] Again, like the UFC thing that they're doing.

[2077] Yeah.

[2078] U .S. they're already doing.

[2079] When is the first one supposed to happen?

[2080] I was trying to find the video I saw of it.

[2081] It says it's like with UFC Fight Pass.

[2082] Mm -hmm.

[2083] So is it one of the smaller productions?

[2084] Because UFC Fight Pass has a bunch of like farm sort of leagues where guys start out and then they wind up making it to the UFC afterwards?

[2085] Yeah.

[2086] LFA.

[2087] Yeah, LFA is one of them.

[2088] That's a big one.

[2089] So they just did it.

[2090] Oh, they did it already.

[2091] I mean, that's what it says it was on the 14th.

[2092] Do they have like a video preview of what it looks like?

[2093] I'm trying to find that.

[2094] Yeah, between that games, porn, entertainment, movies, all that.

[2095] Yeah, they're setting us up for The Matrix.

[2096] Yeah.

[2097] It's just a slow burn And It's gonna be fucking weird as shit, dude Oh wow This is a person's view You can see their hands So that's like my seat That's like my seat when I do commentary Right there That's crazy It seems like it does change a little bit And I don't know You probably don't have control over that From my experience Watch in other streams But maybe they might have changed that now too It might not change views I mean that's awesome but there's nothing like being there.

[2098] No, there's...

[2099] You're getting the commentators in the air, which you don't get live.

[2100] Busted, he's bloody, but he's still very much in this fight.

[2101] What is that?

[2102] That's the menu that popped up.

[2103] This is literally off of someone's helmet.

[2104] Oculus still watching.

[2105] This is pretty fucking good.

[2106] This is pretty fucking good.

[2107] Oh, he's got the choke.

[2108] Can't help but commentate?

[2109] Yeah, he's got it.

[2110] He's turning the wrong way.

[2111] You got it.

[2112] There is a new lens that Canon has developed that I've seen some content made and I tested it with the Oculus to see what it looked like.

[2113] It looks like stuff is right in front of you and you can reach out and touch it.

[2114] It's very strange how well it looks.

[2115] But the way you make that, it has to be an 8K and it's very intensive computer process right now to get that done.

[2116] So it's very like short content.

[2117] You can watch it with that.

[2118] Is it because there's, like, it's too much data?

[2119] Yeah, it's 8K for each eye.

[2120] and the way that that's done is it's making it on it's a split like the lens instead of being like one camera it's splitting two and making one file it's very I'm not even explaining it very well but it's so that color correction doesn't get fucked up and everything looks exactly the same from the same source it's very hard to match two things up fast it's fast I talked to my grandfather who's a hundred and I go what's the greatest piece of technology you've ever seen and he said the radio fucked him up the radio fucked him up he goes I can't I was I couldn't believe a voice was coming out of a box do you uh from somewhere else and now to think about this shit do you remember the story of Orson Wells the War of the Worlds yeah Orson Wells played he read from H .G. Wells War of the World it's HG Wells right the book he read the story on the air and they read it like it was news reports yeah like that we're being attacked by Mars yeah and people started freaking the fuck out because if you didn't tune in in time to hear that this is just like a fucking this is a performance people thought when they tune into the radio that we're being attacked by by aliens yeah so what year was that with the war the 19 what 1938 so 19th Halloween 1938 the infamous war of worlds radio broadcasts was a magnificent fluke.

[2121] Orson Wells and his colleagues scrambled to pull together the show and ended up writing pop culture history.

[2122] So this was 1938, and yeah, so it was the H .G. Wells classic, the War of the Worlds.

[2123] But I believe they added things to it.

[2124] Like they made it seem like there was legitimate news broadcasts.

[2125] And it caused a nationwide hysteria.

[2126] And he was 23 years old when he did it.

[2127] Oh, by the next morning, 23 -year -old Wells' face and name were on the front page newspapers coast to coast, along with headlines about the mass panic.

[2128] His CBS broadcast had allegedly inspired.

[2129] I think people killed themselves.

[2130] What?

[2131] Yeah.

[2132] I think, see if there was a suicide.

[2133] I think at least one, it might have been just a report of a suicide to, like, sensationalism.

[2134] Because journalism was very hard to fucking vet back then.

[2135] I wonder if that's true, because I do remember saying that people killed them, or that reading that people killed themselves.

[2136] There was a lawsuit in 1960 about it.

[2137] Dude, I had this guy on the other day, Ryan Graves.

[2138] He was an advanced fighter pilot for the Navy.

[2139] And in 2014, they updated all of their radar systems, and they started seeing UFOs everywhere.

[2140] So all over the East Coast and the ocean, when they would.

[2141] travel out the ocean to run these training missions, they started seeing these objects that defied physics.

[2142] These objects that were like 25 feet wide, they were hovering totally stationary with 130 mile an hour winds, which he said just doesn't make any sense how they could do that.

[2143] It wasn't drifting back and forth.

[2144] They were just completely stationary.

[2145] And then they would move off at close to the speed of sound.

[2146] They would fly in formation.

[2147] They would go in and out of the ocean and he said they people had reported these things before he goes but once they updated their radar systems they were finding these things on their radar every single flight almost he said 90 % of the missions that they did they encounter these things he said they just didn't know they were there before but why like I believe in aliens I believe there's other life I believe in all that shit but why don't they I don't understand like why don't they say hi well we don't know what the fuck they are we don't we don't know if they They're drones.

[2148] We don't...

[2149] Some China shit, where it's just...

[2150] It could be.

[2151] We don't know if it's from another country.

[2152] We don't know if it's our stuff that they don't have information.

[2153] Like, if a ship just came down right now in Austin, and we could...

[2154] Would you go and check it out, or would you go the fuck home?

[2155] Go the fuck home.

[2156] Go the fuck home.

[2157] I'm not going to be the first guy that gets eaten.

[2158] Not going.

[2159] Look, imagine how when I go to the woods looking for an elk, they're going looking for a fat person.

[2160] I'm not going to be that guy.

[2161] No. I'm not going to be that first guy that gets eaten.

[2162] You're not going to be the people on top of the building.

[2163] In the Independence Day, welcome, well, and then they just blast it out.

[2164] I'm out, too.

[2165] Yeah, they're going looking for dummies.

[2166] I'm going right up into the woods.

[2167] Yeah.

[2168] Going to my tiny house.

[2169] Fuck that.

[2170] Hopefully were the last people they find.

[2171] If they're here to help us, you'll find out about it eventually.

[2172] You don't want to be one of the first guys to get scooped up like Richard Dreyfus and close encounters of the first guy.

[2173] That fucking movie, that was wild shit, man. I remember that movie, like, all of a sudden people started, like, seeing things in the sky.

[2174] They pretended they saw things.

[2175] Well, everything that science fiction, it seems like it's coming true.

[2176] Mm -hmm.

[2177] Like, if you look at Star Trek, we have better technology now.

[2178] Way better.

[2179] Than they had then.

[2180] They didn't even have the Internet.

[2181] They didn't even have walkie -talkies.

[2182] They didn't even have cell phones.

[2183] It was Kirk out.

[2184] They didn't have video chat.

[2185] They had a stupid flip phone.

[2186] Meanwhile, they could transport to another planet.

[2187] They had David Tell's phone.

[2188] I love him.

[2189] He has a flip phone.

[2190] He does.

[2191] He's the best.

[2192] He's the best.

[2193] Yeah.

[2194] Yeah, they didn't anticipate the Internet.

[2195] I mean, that was the big mind -blower.

[2196] So if they wanted to take you, you wouldn't go.

[2197] No chance.

[2198] Fuck you.

[2199] So if they were like, Joe, we're big fans of your podcast.

[2200] We've been listening.

[2201] Good.

[2202] Be a guest.

[2203] You'd have them in here?

[2204] 100%.

[2205] How great with that episode?

[2206] That would be insane.

[2207] I would 100 % have an alien on the podcast.

[2208] If you're hearing me, I think I already have had one on.

[2209] What?

[2210] Elon.

[2211] He's been on three times.

[2212] You think he's an alien?

[2213] Yeah.

[2214] Yeah, he's not one of us.

[2215] You think he's from another planet?

[2216] He's either one of us.

[2217] He's either one of us from the future or he's from another planet.

[2218] You see him blink sideways or something?

[2219] There's just something about him.

[2220] He's too smart.

[2221] I liken our friendship to the intellectual equivalent of a boy and his dog.

[2222] It's like when I talk to him, I'm like, we're not the same thing.

[2223] He's so advanced.

[2224] He's running like four different world -changing industries simultaneously.

[2225] I mean, who the fuck else is running like an electric car business along with an internet satellite high -speed data business, along with a revolutionary rocket business that could not just shoot rockets in space, but have the rockets land.

[2226] They come back and land.

[2227] No one's been able to do that before.

[2228] This motherfucker is doing that while he's doing three other things.

[2229] And the boring?

[2230] Yeah.

[2231] Oh, and he's digging tunnels under cities and shooting cars through him to fix traffic.

[2232] Yeah.

[2233] He's running all these things simultaneously while he's making kids, while he's made like nine kids.

[2234] Do you ever think that you were, like, back from Massachusetts, that you'd be hanging out with a guy like that?

[2235] No. Is it crazy?

[2236] Dude, I barely could imagine being a professional comic.

[2237] That was the goal.

[2238] When we were kids, the goal was, I mean, I started out with Fitzsimmons, and, you know, we did open mics together, we traveled together.

[2239] And I remember we always would talk about the goal was to be a professional.

[2240] Imagine if we didn't have a job.

[2241] Imagine because Greg back then was working for catering companies, so he would do catering.

[2242] You know, we'd, like, serve food for people.

[2243] And then he would go and do the open mic nights and shit like that.

[2244] And I was driving limos.

[2245] And in the beginning, I was teaching martial arts.

[2246] But I got to a point where I realized I could not teach the same way.

[2247] I was not fully invested in it.

[2248] And it felt like, it felt wrong to me. I wasn't giving them my all.

[2249] Yeah.

[2250] Because it was very important to me. Because it was important to me as a kid when I was, you know, when I had instructors that were really good.

[2251] And so then when I started running a school and I realized.

[2252] that I wasn't all in anymore, I had to stop.

[2253] So I had to stop fighting, I had to stop teaching, and I had to stop, I really concentrate on comedy.

[2254] One of the things like this guy said to me, it was kind of a rude thing to say, but I knew he was right.

[2255] When we were like six months in, this kid, a fucking Jonathan, I forget his last name, but he was one of the guys that I started out with.

[2256] And, you know, we were all open micers, and we were all just talking about comedy and this and that, and he said to me, he goes, yeah, he goes, you started out really good.

[2257] He goes, but it seems, like somewhere along the line you just started kind of coasting and I was like ugh and I couldn't say anything I couldn't go fuck you I was like oh my god he's right I remember thinking that he's right he wasn't he wasn't being mean he was just being honest and it was it hurt because it was accurate yep and I remember thinking and he wasn't trying to be a dick either he was just telling me yeah you know and I remember thinking oh man he's right and I immediately said I have to quit I have to quit fighting I have to quit teaching I have to quit.

[2258] How do you be all in on this comedy thing?

[2259] Yeah.

[2260] Comedy is you have to be married.

[2261] It has to be your lover.

[2262] You got to be all in.

[2263] I remember you gave me the best advice ever.

[2264] You remember the first gig we ever did together?

[2265] What did I say?

[2266] A cool, cool.

[2267] Remember that?

[2268] Oh yeah.

[2269] Dick Dardy.

[2270] Comedy Hut.

[2271] The comedy.

[2272] Remember that?

[2273] Yeah.

[2274] It was in Cambridge.

[2275] What did I say?

[2276] I can't because you, like, I saw you do that comedy, the MTV thing and like, you are my guy.

[2277] You are the guy that was like, that's comedy to me. All this other seven -minute bullshit and And evening there was just garbage to me. So I finally, Dick Dordy, you were coming to town.

[2278] And I was like, Dick, I want to work with Joe.

[2279] Please, please.

[2280] And he put me on the show at you.

[2281] And I ran up to you after the first show.

[2282] And I was like, hey, man. And you were so cool.

[2283] And I was like, hey, man, can you please give me advice?

[2284] Like, what do I do?

[2285] Like, just give me a little advice.

[2286] And you're like, yeah, no fucking advice.

[2287] Don't take any advice from any comic ever, ever.

[2288] Just get on stage.

[2289] That's all you have to do.

[2290] Get on stage and become.

[2291] who you're going to become.

[2292] This business will shit you out or you'll be a comic and you'll figure out who you're supposed to be by getting on stage.

[2293] If I tell you what to do, you're going to be fucked.

[2294] If any, don't listen to anybody.

[2295] Just do stand up.

[2296] That's all you told me. And I was like, that was it.

[2297] Pretty solid advice.

[2298] Best advice ever got.

[2299] I mean, really, best advice ever got.

[2300] You know?

[2301] Well, I think I would revise that.

[2302] I would say people can give you advice.

[2303] They can give you how to develop timing and, you know, how to not present your jokes.

[2304] Sure.

[2305] How to just kind of be yourself on stage.

[2306] As you go, as you get better, sure.

[2307] But as a young comic, just getting on, getting on stage was the key.

[2308] I think back then I was 24 or 25.

[2309] You might have been 25.

[2310] I think I was 23 or something.

[2311] Yeah.

[2312] How old are you now?

[2313] 52.

[2314] Yeah, okay.

[2315] Well, I'm 55.

[2316] Okay.

[2317] So it was three years old.

[2318] Yeah.

[2319] Yeah.

[2320] So we were just kind of figuring it out.

[2321] And I was just because.

[2322] a pro back then that was when I would I was already living in New York going back and forth to Boston yeah and I was just legitimately becoming a headliner yeah yeah you go up and I mean I remember we did it the show and I I did great I thought I did great and you went up and you're like what's up fucking you had this I don't know intense you just it was over like it was a different show I remember you just went up and you murdered at a Chinese restaurant In Cambridge.

[2323] Those are the best.

[2324] Those are the best days.

[2325] I love those days.

[2326] Those days were fun.

[2327] No responsibility.

[2328] No money.

[2329] No money.

[2330] It wasn't about money.

[2331] It wasn't about money.

[2332] It wasn't about any of that.

[2333] It was about getting on stage and getting laughs.

[2334] You're trying to become a professional.

[2335] The Calloons.

[2336] I remember that?

[2337] I mean, my squad was Billy, Patrice, Dane, Gullman.

[2338] Yeah.

[2339] Bob Marley.

[2340] Yeah.

[2341] Bob Marley, the King of Maine.

[2342] The best.

[2343] He's the king.

[2344] If you go to Maine, he sells out fucking multiple shows in theaters every night.

[2345] Yeah.

[2346] He's a killer.

[2347] And he's one of those guys who was in L .A., got all the deals, and then set him out.

[2348] Yeah.

[2349] I'm going to be happy.

[2350] Yeah.

[2351] I'm going to be happy.

[2352] Yeah.

[2353] Sold all his homes, bought a house in Maine, and then he just tours Maine, and he's one of the nicest guys.

[2354] He still tours occasionally other places.

[2355] Still one of the funniest guys.

[2356] Oh, he's fucking hilarious.

[2357] I was doing a show at Just for Laughs, and he rolled in at the end.

[2358] We were all killing.

[2359] 3 ,000 people, that big gala, he rolled in with a baseball hat, you know, because we're all, you know, got a nice shirt, everybody's all dressed up for the gala.

[2360] He rolls in with a baseball hat and a stupid t -shirt rolls in, fucking boobba, doesn't swear, doesn't talk, no dirty, just murders.

[2361] Just having fun.

[2362] Yeah.

[2363] I first met him, I was doing a show in Bangor, Maine, and he did a guest set.

[2364] Yeah.

[2365] It was the first time I met him.

[2366] He's just living in Maine.

[2367] I was like, who's his kids?

[2368] some local kid wants to do a guess that so funny fucking funny as shit real fun and had all this local main humor and they were dying yeah they loved it yeah he was funny man he still is yes but he occasionally will see him like at the comedy works in denver he'll be on the the schedule he gets out there he does get out there yeah he but he does he tours around he's fine i love him i love i love i love the idea of him just saying forget about making it whatever that is yeah i'm going to just be a normal person and do comedy some people that were just so normal yeah that the whole idea of sort of prostituting yourself for hollywood was just felt so gross to them they just couldn't take it for very long yeah and they won up bailing yeah which is you know the we all were tricked into thinking that the only way to be a professional comic was to get on television like that was all anybody wanted you to do like that was the the holy grail was to become rosanne bar or to become jerry science To have your own sitcom.

[2369] That was the thing.

[2370] So we all went out there.

[2371] And just like you got integrated into this weird fucking system.

[2372] It just felt so the opposite of what we got in it to do.

[2373] What we got in to do is to become Sam Kinnison.

[2374] We got in it to become like those comics that we would want to go pay to see.

[2375] Yeah, I would always get fucked up going to L .A. too because I was, you know, I've been skinny and fat my whole life.

[2376] And I would always be on one of my fats when I had to go to L .A. And I felt like shit, because everybody's, you know, I always just felt fucked up when I went out there.

[2377] Like, I was just not what I was supposed to be.

[2378] You know what I mean?

[2379] Because I felt like, you know, like you're supposed to look a certain way.

[2380] You're supposed to be a certain way physically.

[2381] Yeah.

[2382] And that's not what comedy, you know.

[2383] No. Comedy, you can be whatever the fuck you want.

[2384] That's why I love Louis special when I saw.

[2385] He had stains on his shirt on one of his specials.

[2386] I was like, he's, he's, just funny yeah like well he went back to that right remember he's wearing suits for a while when oh yeah he wore a suit for like 2018 the special 2018 yeah it was a great special too it's a fucking great special and i remember talking to him at the stories like yeah i like i like going on stage with suits you do suits now right i occasionally do suits i started doing suits when i started doing shows with chapelle because uh dave and i were doing these arenas and then uh one day I showed up with a suit.

[2387] He was, oh, we're wearing suits now.

[2388] And then he started wearing suits.

[2389] He would wear suits occasionally.

[2390] And then I got David August to make me some custom suits when we were, I had done a few before with suits on.

[2391] But then we were doing the MGM.

[2392] I did the arena.

[2393] And I did it with Brian Simpson, who's fucking brilliant.

[2394] Tony Hinchcliff, who's fucking hysterical.

[2395] And this kid, Hans Kim, who's this up -and -coming kid who's a murderer.

[2396] He's so good.

[2397] He's fucking.

[2398] Bonnie.

[2399] And you'll see him tonight.

[2400] You come in tonight?

[2401] We're doing a show tonight?

[2402] Yeah.

[2403] You'll see him tonight.

[2404] And Brian's on tonight too.

[2405] Okay.

[2406] So, and so we were doing this, it was a big deal.

[2407] We're going to headline the MGM Grand Arena.

[2408] I'm like, I'm getting everybody suits.

[2409] So I got a custom Taylor came down, fitted everybody for suits, and we all wore these fucking reservoir dog suits.

[2410] And we went up and I'm like, this is this shit.

[2411] It's fucking, it was just exciting to like, we got there, got to the arena, spark up a joint, put on the fucking music.

[2412] I brought like a big old Bluetooth, you know, a speaker thing.

[2413] We crank up some fucking great tunes and we'd all fucking put our suits on.

[2414] We're ready to go to work.

[2415] We're fucking professionals.

[2416] I have a, I have a whole closet full of suits of different sizes of my fifth fat, my fourth fat, my sixth fat.

[2417] Well, you look good, man. You look like you're losing weight.

[2418] I lost, yeah, I lost 70 pounds.

[2419] That's incredible.

[2420] I got the gastric sleeve surgery.

[2421] Do they reverse that?

[2422] Can they reverse that?

[2423] Or is that like for life?

[2424] It's, well, there's three.

[2425] There's, dude, I was 350 pounds.

[2426] Whoa.

[2427] I believe you said it best.

[2428] I saw the one with you and Louis and Joe.

[2429] And you were like, Bobby ate himself into a shape.

[2430] Well, when I first met you, you were young and thin and good looking.

[2431] I was gorgeous, but I remember I've met you twice.

[2432] That was so funny, too.

[2433] It was such a perfect description.

[2434] I met you at UFC.

[2435] 100 and you came out of the back you went you looked at me and you go what happened to you I was like I was like hey Joe how you doing no it's been it's it's been an addiction for me since I was a kid was my first addiction when I was a kid was food it was a you know I remember when my mom I had an abusive stepdad for a while five years and I had nobody and I remember I found food like I would wake up in the morning and say goodbye to my mom in sixth grade go out the front door go around the back crawl into the basement and in the corner of the basement I had a little pillow and a blanket and I would just sit there all day and I would eat so you'd pretend you were going to school I would pretend I was going to school because I was just so afraid I had no friends I had nobody and I was in a major depression I didn't know it and I would sleep in the basement and I remember I would just eat food, like, you know, Susie Q's and ringdings and it just made me feel almost like a friend, you know?

[2436] You know, I just had a problem.

[2437] And I remember I got real big.

[2438] And then my sixth grade teacher actually, Mr. DePersio got me into running.

[2439] It was like all of a sudden he became my dad, you know.

[2440] He kind of took me under his wing.

[2441] and we were at the Olympics.

[2442] Remember the sixth grade Olympics?

[2443] And it was just horseshit thing, but I remember we had to do the 440 all the way around the track.

[2444] And I remember he comes up to me and goes, Kelly, you got to win.

[2445] I want you to win.

[2446] And I remember, I was like, I'll win.

[2447] I'll fucking, I just wanted somebody to fucking believe in me. You know what I mean?

[2448] Yeah.

[2449] And I remember I was racing against this skinny black kid, fast as lightning.

[2450] And I remember we were running and I fucking won.

[2451] I remember I beat him.

[2452] Everything I had, and I won, and I just felt fantastic.

[2453] I started jogging.

[2454] I started doing marathons.

[2455] Wow.

[2456] But, you know, then I got into drugs after that.

[2457] I found drugs in very shortly after that in seventh grade.

[2458] And then I, of course, went to jail.

[2459] I think I went to jail the first time, 13.

[2460] Jesus.

[2461] Yeah, that was terrible.

[2462] What did you go to jail for?

[2463] On armed, robbery, assault, and battery, militia, obstruction, trespassing, and breaking probation.

[2464] Holy shit.

[2465] Breaking probation at 13?

[2466] I was on probation.

[2467] I was on probation at 12.

[2468] Oh my God.

[2469] For what?

[2470] I robbed a canteen truck of cigarettes and fucking I think Twinkies.

[2471] Wow.

[2472] So I got on probation for that.

[2473] And then, yeah, it was terrible.

[2474] The first, I remember that we went my jail at 13.

[2475] Yeah.

[2476] My bail was I think 10 bucks and my mother didn't pay it.

[2477] because the judge said she said what do I do and she he was like let him go through the system let him go and my mother listened to him oh my God yeah it was bad because I remember I was in the jail cell Somerville courthouse the jail cells downstairs the regular prisoners the juvie stayed downstairs so I had my own jail cell and I remember I was looking at it like pay the fucking money because all my friends moms paid oh and they got out they got out and i went they take you downstairs and uh she came down and i just i walked up to her and i was just crying and she was like bobby she's crying i'm so sorry i you know blah blah blah and i just turned around and started doing push -ups and uh then they came and got me and they throw you in the van the regular prisoners would be in the back of the van and the juvies are in the front behind the the driver's on a bench.

[2478] And I just remember the real prison was just, hey, little bitch, you know, just, I was shit in my pants.

[2479] And they take you up to Denver State Hospital.

[2480] Denver State gave, there's a, the morgue they gave to the detention, the juvenile detention.

[2481] So you go up there, it's called intake.

[2482] And you get up there, and there's a bunch of other kids.

[2483] They strip search you, and you got to get naked and do jumping jacks.

[2484] I'm 13.

[2485] and you're going to bend over.

[2486] It was embarrassing.

[2487] It was terrible.

[2488] You go into this room and there's all these other kids of all nationalities just in this room watching this one TV.

[2489] I remember they came in with a box of deli sandwiches and chocolate milk and everybody ran over and grabbed and you grab a sandwich and they had these purple onions on top, these wet onions because I think they were old sandwiches that they would donate to the Juvies and they all took them and threw it on the ceiling.

[2490] And I looked up on the ceiling it was just years of onions.

[2491] Oh, God, ceiling.

[2492] It was fucking terrifying.

[2493] And then the kid comes up, he's like, hey, man, when they call you out, ask him where you're going.

[2494] And if they don't tell you, it's somewhere bad.

[2495] If they tell you, it's somewhere good.

[2496] So, like, Kelly, I went out.

[2497] They start shackling me, and they handcuffed me. And I'm like, where am I going?

[2498] And he just looked at me, and he shook his head.

[2499] And they shackled me to two other 18 -year -olds.

[2500] I was 13.

[2501] And they took me to the child.

[2502] Charlestown Y. So the Charlestown Y, the bottom floor was the Y, but the top floor was a juvenile lockup.

[2503] So you had to go through the gym, go upstairs, and they take into this room, and they, again, I got strip searched, I had to get naked.

[2504] You go, and then you have to take a shower.

[2505] I was 13.

[2506] I had a little pecker.

[2507] I think I had like, you know, four pubs.

[2508] And I'm showering with these 18 -year -olds next to me. I was scared shit.

[2509] That night, some kid got a pencil in his eye from another kid and uh and then you go into this room with just bunk beds steel bunk beds filled in the room and the highway i don't remember the charlestown why the highway with 93 was right there so it's just cars like as close as me and you were just whipping by on the highway all night long and uh yeah i went to jail and they from there you just go to another jail another jail for i think it was until i was 15 i was going in and out of juvie jail i was and foster homes.

[2510] Jesus Christ.

[2511] Because once you're in, you're in.

[2512] So if your mom, it just paid that 10 bucks, you would have never been in.

[2513] I'd probably be dead.

[2514] Really?

[2515] I'd probably be in jail, jail.

[2516] Real jail.

[2517] That saved me. And, you know, there's that thing where it's like, I don't know if you've heard that thing where, you know, you don't know, is it good or bad?

[2518] I don't know yet.

[2519] You don't know if something's good or bad yet.

[2520] You've got to wait.

[2521] You know, you think something's terrible, right?

[2522] But you don't know.

[2523] It could be good.

[2524] You just don't know yet.

[2525] It feels like shit, and it felt like shit.

[2526] But if she didn't do that, I wouldn't have got sober.

[2527] I got sober at 15.

[2528] I went to a place called the Road Back.

[2529] I got arrested again, upstate New York.

[2530] They shipped me back to Boston because I was a ward of the state.

[2531] You're owned by Massachusetts.

[2532] So they shipped me back down.

[2533] I went back to jail.

[2534] And then I finally realized, like, look, drugs and alcohol, that's what it.

[2535] It's not people, places, and things.

[2536] It's my drinking.

[2537] It's my drugs.

[2538] I go, I need to go somewhere.

[2539] What drugs?

[2540] Everything.

[2541] I did everything.

[2542] Anything you put in front of me. I wasn't doing drugs because I like drugs.

[2543] I was doing drugs because I didn't want to be alone anymore.

[2544] I didn't want to go back to that basement by myself.

[2545] You know what I mean?

[2546] Yeah.

[2547] I didn't want to be that anymore.

[2548] That was terrifying to me. So if I had to do drugs or I had to drink, I would do whatever the fuck it took to have friends, you know, to have a group of people to belong because I didn't have anybody.

[2549] So these kids, you know, I got to the point where we would move around.

[2550] Like I'd get out of the jail.

[2551] I'd go to a foster home.

[2552] And then I would go home from there.

[2553] And my parents were somewhere else.

[2554] Like they were in Spencerport, New York.

[2555] They were in Ben Salem, Pennsylvania.

[2556] And what I would do is I'd go in the first day of school and I would get into trouble, go to detention, because those are my kids.

[2557] So I'd get in trouble, go to the day.

[2558] detention and I'd always have weed.

[2559] I'd always have a couple of joints.

[2560] And as soon as I got to detention, I'd lean over to the toughest looking kid.

[2561] I'd be like, you want to smoke some weed?

[2562] Friends.

[2563] Immediate friends.

[2564] Yeah, sure.

[2565] We'd smoke weed and those are my guys.

[2566] And then I'd hang up with them for the duration until in Ben Salem, I wound up running away and getting arrested again.

[2567] And then in, uh, what was it, Spencer Port New York was the last time.

[2568] I got drunk.

[2569] we fucking stole gumball machines I went to jail for gumball machines it was stupid it was terrible because you know I mean I got I drank a half a bottle of scotch I drank a bunch of beers and we did whipits and they were like I want these gumball machines so I just took them and smashed them and the cops came I remember I was running from the cops down the railroad tracks I hopped the fence and as soon as I hopped the fence it was a shotgun right in my face and the guy made me get down the cop he's like freeze get down the ground and he goes if he moved shoot him and i was like it was gum oh my god they took me to jail up there and it was that was the worst jail i've ever been in rochester new york was the worst jail i've ever been in and uh you know they put me in a room and that was the first time i literally asked for help i was just like help me please just help me i'm done i know i know it's drugs i know it's alcohol please help me get help i need it um whatever i just gave up i gave up the first time i was like this is it and uh then i went to jail to boston they flew me on a plane i remember i was smoking on the plane wow i asked the flight attendant can give me a light she just got me a light and i lit up in the fucking plane because you could smoke on plane smoke on plane i was 15 wow and um Right when I got off the plane, there was two state troopers waiting for me, and they handcuffed me, took me to jail.

[2570] And then I met this guy in NFI Shelter Care was this Yitzhak.

[2571] His name is Yitzhak.

[2572] He developed this system for juveniles that it was called open door setting, normalization.

[2573] There was no locks on the doors at NFI.

[2574] There was no guards, really.

[2575] They had people there at night, but you could run.

[2576] you could leave walk right out the fucking door but they incentivized you dirty days you got steak 60 days without a run lobster dinners they incentive they gave you responsibility as a kid and they we all kind of formed together to kind of keep each other in check to to to receive these benefits and they gave you you know help you know they they talked to you instead of these other places just went in and did your time.

[2577] This place was all on you.

[2578] We had school.

[2579] We could go.

[2580] We went, they took us to the beach.

[2581] They loaded us in the, I remember they took all these juvies.

[2582] We'd load up in a van and go to Gloucester, a wing of chic peach, and we just sit on the beach and have fun.

[2583] They gave you these incentivized things to not leave.

[2584] And then the guy came up to me, he's like, you can go to rehab.

[2585] We got you set up.

[2586] You can go to six months, co -ed, or you can go to a year, all boys.

[2587] And I was like, what do I do?

[2588] He's like, knowing you, you're all boys.

[2589] If you go with his girls, you'll fuck up.

[2590] You'll fuck up.

[2591] You'll try to bang the chicks.

[2592] You'll try to have sex.

[2593] And you'll fuck it up.

[2594] So I did.

[2595] I listened.

[2596] I was like, okay.

[2597] And I went to the road back.

[2598] It was a house, again, normalization, no bars, no nothing.

[2599] I showed up.

[2600] And I was sitting in this room.

[2601] This guy, Tom Tompkins, used to be, had a lot of money.

[2602] his wife was a famous opera singer he was in show business and he lost it all from alcoholism and drugs so he started this house called the Road Back and I remember I was sitting there petrified and all of a sudden he comes down there's all the staff and there's this one kid fucking be in fuck this place I don't want to fucking be here fuck this I want to fuck out screaming and yelling and he came down the stairs old dude gray beard psoriasist he had a misty cigarette you know those little slim and sassy just smoking it and he came down he goes where's this fucking fuck up where's this cock sucker that wants to leave because like me he's like you want to fucking leave you want to get the fuck out of here get the fuck out there get the fuck out there's the door you fucking pussy and one of the counselors the new counselors was like hey maybe we should and he goes fuck you you're fired get the fuck out he goes you want to go fucking leave.

[2603] There's the fucking door.

[2604] Okay.

[2605] I'm trying to save your life, you little fuckhead.

[2606] I'm trying to save your life.

[2607] If you want to fucking live, stay here and shut the fuck up.

[2608] If you want to leave, get the fuck out.

[2609] But I care about you and I don't want you to fucking die.

[2610] And the kid starts crying.

[2611] And he's like, yeah, okay, are you staying and leave?

[2612] He goes, I'm going to stay.

[2613] He goes, great.

[2614] I'm glad you're staying because you're going to save your life now.

[2615] And then he goes, where's Kelly?

[2616] I'm like, right here.

[2617] And he goes, meet me upstairs.

[2618] And I went upstairs, the sweetest human being I've ever met.

[2619] I mean, he just saved my life, this guy.

[2620] It was the best person I've ever met in my life.

[2621] He used to take us to his house to build entertainment systems.

[2622] And he would fucking give us Elio's pizzas and little cakes and shit.

[2623] I thought he was trying to fuck me. You know what I mean?

[2624] You know what I mean?

[2625] Because every once in a while, these kids would just take off in the van.

[2626] I'm like, Kelly, come on, let's go.

[2627] I'm like, I've got to fucking suck this guy's dick now.

[2628] Fuck.

[2629] Fuck.

[2630] I'm going to blow this old guy in his house for cakes and pizza.

[2631] You know what I mean?

[2632] But he didn't.

[2633] He was just fucking wanted us to get better.

[2634] I remember he gave me all.

[2635] He would give us old clothes.

[2636] He had cashmere sweaters.

[2637] I didn't even know what the fuck that was.

[2638] He had all these clothes from when he was rich that he would give us.

[2639] Because we had no clothes.

[2640] We had no money.

[2641] We had nothing.

[2642] So you'd be going to AA meetings.

[2643] So a year, 14 months of my life, I was in this place where I was going to meetings.

[2644] I was going to groups.

[2645] And I was learning about my addiction, learning about what the fuck was my problem, you know, learning to love myself, learning to care about myself.

[2646] And I remember when I got out, I was petrified, you know, the first day out.

[2647] 14 months later, I haven't seen my family for over a year.

[2648] And I got out and I asked the guy, go, what do I do?

[2649] He goes, go to a meeting far enough away where you can't walk home.

[2650] Get a ride there, but don't get a ride home.

[2651] So I did that.

[2652] And I went to a meeting, a young people's meeting.

[2653] and they dropped me off I got the meeting and I kept asking people can give me a ride?

[2654] No. Can you give me a ride?

[2655] No. All of a sudden this dude Mark Caesar long hair dude, sleeves, chains, rock and roll dude walks in.

[2656] I remember him from coming to do meetings at the place.

[2657] I go, can give me a ride?

[2658] And he was like, fucking sure, no fuck, come on, let's go.

[2659] He went over to the piano started playing all these chicks around him.

[2660] I was like, what the fuck?

[2661] Then we went to a Bickford's and we talked about spirituality, we talked about program all night to like two in the morning with these hot chicks and ham and he was this rock dude from Berkeley and he became my friend, you know?

[2662] And we wound up going to meetings every night and I got sober and I got my shit together and still my friend to this day he's still one of the funniest guys I've ever met.

[2663] We used to go to AA dances, dude, in like church basements on Fridays and Saturdays and just go down and you know always close on stairway to heaven and you get some chick two two months out of rehabs you still fucking shake it and you just dance you know what I mean yeah yeah it was I mean it saved my life that place and the nify shelter care giving me the responsibility and the respect as a human being to make a choice and then this rode back you know tom tompkins this where he used to call me cunt head because if you fell a bunch of little cunts would fall out of your head because all as I thought about was chicks.

[2664] You know what I mean?

[2665] Yeah.

[2666] Yeah, I remember there was this girl in the program.

[2667] This is the sad as shit ever.

[2668] This is when I first saw comedy, too.

[2669] This chit, this blonde chick.

[2670] She had beautiful hay hair, just gorgeous in the meetings.

[2671] And I could never talk to her.

[2672] We just would say hi, and we had this thing.

[2673] I get out, they have this thing called Ikepa.

[2674] It's called the International Conference of Young People in AA, where thousands of young people in AA, would converge on one town, and it was Boston.

[2675] The year I got out, it was Boston at the Park Plaza Hotel, right?

[2676] So it's all young people trying to get sober.

[2677] And I remember we all got hotel rooms, and I went there and they did a sobriety count, dude, thousands of people in the room all the way down to one day.

[2678] It was like, fucking, you know, 60 years.

[2679] You know, all these people had these pro, 20, 30, 10, 10.

[2680] a week down to one day and there was like this one girl that had one day and the place just like, it was erupting.

[2681] Wow.

[2682] And I remember I saw that girl from the rehab and I went up to her and I was like, oh my God, what's going on?

[2683] I was like, I can finally be, you know, talk to you and she was like, yeah, yeah, we should hang out.

[2684] And I was like, yeah, definitely we'll hang out later.

[2685] There's a comedy show if you want to go.

[2686] And she's like, yeah, sure, meet me later.

[2687] and I remember I gave her this red balloon I was like here this is for you because I didn't know how to pick up chicks anymore like I cleaned the slate like when I was drinking I could pick up girls when I became sober I was fucked you know I started talking about one day at a time and you know you just got to accept life on life's terms you know right chicks don't want to hear that shit right so I remember I gave her the balloon and then I saw her walking with the balloon and I followed her and she went to an elevator with some dude And I remember I went up.

[2688] I saw the floor and I went up to the floor.

[2689] I wanted to go to the comedy show.

[2690] It was starting.

[2691] So I went down the hallway and the balloon was in front of a door.

[2692] And I walked up to the door and I just heard her getting blasted out by some dude.

[2693] I was so sad.

[2694] I took the balloon.

[2695] I just walked back.

[2696] I walked back down the hallway.

[2697] And I remember I went to the comedy show and I sat up front.

[2698] And there was these two guys there.

[2699] And they were fucking, man. I was just like, oh my God.

[2700] this is nuts I was dying laughing how old were you I had to be I had to be like 17 17 I was probably 16 to 17 and uh and I remember I reached up the guy who said thank you good night and I reached up and the guy reached down and touch my hand and I was like he fucking touched me that's why I always take a picture I'll always shake somebody's hand after a show if someone wants I'm, you know what I mean?

[2701] I'll always do that because that fucking affected me so much, you know, seeing that show took me out of that shit that I was just holding a red balloon about to kill myself and drink again, you know?

[2702] Yeah.

[2703] And that show lit my world up.

[2704] And I went to a meeting after that.

[2705] I was fucking great.

[2706] I was solid after that.

[2707] Wow.

[2708] And when did you go on stage first?

[2709] I went on stage.

[2710] Were you thinking about it after that show?

[2711] I was thinking about it constantly.

[2712] Before that show or after that show?

[2713] After that show.

[2714] I was like, I actually went to school.

[2715] I was in high school.

[2716] I went back to high school and then I got a scholarship to Bunker Hill Community College for art. I was going to be an art teacher.

[2717] So I went, you know, my art teacher in high school was just awesome, the two of them.

[2718] And again, my whole life I always thought somebody was trying to fuck me. You know, it was this hot chick and this old gay guy and I was like, oh, they want to fuck me. You know what I mean?

[2719] Because they'll come to lunch with this.

[2720] I'm not going to blow them with these people and fucking eat her out somewhere on a Cadillac.

[2721] But they were just nice, you know?

[2722] Because, you know, I was abused my whole life.

[2723] I was just fucked by people my whole life.

[2724] They got me the scholarship and I went to Bunk Hill Community College for fine art and I was taking all the shit.

[2725] And then I did an acting class and I did, they had a talent show.

[2726] And I remember me and this kid, Al Del Benny, were in the acting class together, and I was like, let's do sketch comedy.

[2727] Let's do sketches and improv.

[2728] Because a friend of mine did improv, and we can do this.

[2729] And we had these other two guys in there.

[2730] And then he was like, I have a friend who happened to be Dane.

[2731] He could do it too.

[2732] So he came in audition.

[2733] I remember auditioning Dane.

[2734] I gave his start, by the way.

[2735] And he came in auditioned.

[2736] I was like, fuck, he's great.

[2737] And we went and did this talent show.

[2738] We did sketches, two sketches and, an improv and I remember we did the first sketch and we fucking killed I remember getting the first laugh like the place erupted and we had to go behind the curtain I'm like what the fuck is this what the fuck was that like they're still fucking laughing and we had to go back out and we did the thing and I went back I remember saying I'm doing this I was like I'm doing this we're doing this fuck this I quit school quit school I started booking that group like at comedy shows I started calling clubs and plays and be like we're a group and we started doing this improv shit you know we do we go in and do sketches and it was the worst improv ever too it was like if something worked we'd just do it the next week because nobody fucking knew but that's how I got started man wow what year was this oh this ought to be I don't know I don't know I don't fucking know I had to be 20 something, so it was in early 90s, early 90s.

[2739] So that was right when I met you was when you were with Al. Yeah, it was Al and the Monkeys.

[2740] Al the Monkeys.

[2741] Yeah.

[2742] The worst improv group ever, but the funniest motherfuckers around.

[2743] Comics hated us.

[2744] What comics hated you?

[2745] Because we would go in and fucking murder.

[2746] Who hated you?

[2747] Everybody.

[2748] I didn't hate you.

[2749] No, no, you.

[2750] You weren't there.

[2751] You were doing your thing, but other...

[2752] You mean like at open mic nights?

[2753] No, like at the clubs, the stand -ups, because they would have to, you know, follow us on a show, and we would go up and just shred it as a group, you know?

[2754] And they didn't like that?

[2755] Remember the BCN Comedy Riot?

[2756] Sure.

[2757] Okay.

[2758] So, we were killing it.

[2759] We're fucking murdering it.

[2760] All of a sudden, we'd get in the BC and Comedy Riot.

[2761] The first comedy improv group, sketch group to ever get in.

[2762] It was all stand -ups.

[2763] It was the biggest comedy competition in the world at that time.

[2764] okay amateur comedy competition so we got in it as a group and i remember we went in to bcn remember how big bcn was mark parenta sure okay um he brought us in and we went into bcn and we were on the radio because he loved us we the first round he was like i love these out on the monkeys these out on the monkeys he brought us in we fucking killed on bcn and and this was actually a case where he did want to fuck us, by the way.

[2765] Mark, yeah.

[2766] That was actually, my instincts were right on that one.

[2767] Well, he got in trouble for that, right?

[2768] Oh, yeah.

[2769] Yeah, yeah.

[2770] Didn't he get kicked off the air for that?

[2771] Like, lost his job?

[2772] Yeah, he was gone by then, but I think he was in D .C., and then he was, yeah, I think he was giving kids Sony Playstations.

[2773] But which is, I mean, that's solid deal.

[2774] Solid deal, man, I mean?

[2775] It's not, it's not an Atari.

[2776] You know what I mean?

[2777] he was uh yeah but i remember we we won we won that competition and we got the the winners got to play the bcn comedy riot the i mean the bcn uh whatever the rock of boston yeah and the year it's always been at the paradise which is 600 people right it's great they switched it that year to the garden so but we're so cocky and we're so fucking full of ourselves that we're like yeah we'll do it let's go We didn't even think about it.

[2778] We don't understand it.

[2779] You know, we're doing sketch comedy and improv.

[2780] There's 14 ,000 people showing up.

[2781] Oh, my God.

[2782] We just show up at the garden.

[2783] We're hanging with the spin doctors.

[2784] Our dressing room is the girls' bathroom.

[2785] So all the girls have to come to our bathroom to pee, and that's our dressing room.

[2786] What?

[2787] Fish was the headliner.

[2788] They put us in between fish.

[2789] No, the spin doctors went up.

[2790] Little Miss, Little Miss, can't be wrong.

[2791] At the heat of that.

[2792] And right before Fish, which is fucking nuts.

[2793] We were going up to do sketches and improv.

[2794] How much time did you have to do?

[2795] We had to do 15 minutes, and they brought us out in front of 14 ,000 people.

[2796] We all had, ugh, I don't know, I think it was Dan's idea.

[2797] We all had different colored shirts.

[2798] So we looked like, you know, a boy band.

[2799] And we all squatted down.

[2800] And then when they announced us, we jumped up and said, spun to the crowd we just went what's up dude it went bad so fast Billy Burr was actually in the crowd he went to see the show he was there it was terrible it went bad so fast I remember we were doing a skit and I remember there was always there was one dude in the front keep going keep going he was like I love it and we had to do an improv we did a sketch bombed.

[2801] It bombed.

[2802] You could hear rustling.

[2803] Just nuts.

[2804] It was so bad.

[2805] I wound up taking my shirt off.

[2806] It was in shape at that time.

[2807] And I was like, listen, people, we know you didn't come here to see comedy.

[2808] You came here to see the spin doctors.

[2809] You want to see fish.

[2810] But we're going to leave in a second, but give us three things that piss you off for our improv.

[2811] Just fucking shoes and Lighters started coming to the states.

[2812] They started singing, shana, na, nah, nah.

[2813] Hey, hey.

[2814] Just grew and grew and grew.

[2815] We had to walk off stage, go to the back.

[2816] People were staring at us.

[2817] I just sat there, devastated.

[2818] It was so bad.

[2819] Is that your first time bombing?

[2820] Dude, it was my first time bombing, but my first time, epically bombing.

[2821] In front of 14 ,000.

[2822] The comedy world knew before we knew that we bombed you know what I mean like we were the motherfuckers and we were that in a second I met Alan Dane left me they were supposed to pick me up up front I'm standing out front waiting for them pick me out as the concert lets out I'm by a pay phone going where the fuck are you guys they're like oh we went home they left me I'd have my uncle to come pick me up people just walking by pointing at me like there he is that's him yeah it was terrifying it was deadly I thought my career was over.

[2823] Wow.

[2824] Before it began.

[2825] Before it began.

[2826] That's what I said.

[2827] I was like, fuck this group shit.

[2828] How much time had you been doing stand -up for that?

[2829] It had to be like a year and a half maybe.

[2830] So when I met you and you were with Alan the Monkeys, that was around that time.

[2831] It was, yeah, it's probably after that and we started doing stand -up.

[2832] We were like, we all got to do stand -up.

[2833] We all got to go on our own, do some stand -up.

[2834] Well, what you guys were doing when I met you is you would do sketches, and then you would each do like five minutes of stand -up.

[2835] That's what we started doing after.

[2836] Yeah.

[2837] So that we could, we, we would open with 10 minutes or five minutes each and then do sketches.

[2838] Because we had to score.

[2839] You were doing sketches first and stand up last when I work with you.

[2840] Maybe, yeah, maybe we did.

[2841] I remember, because I remember Dane would always go over his time.

[2842] Because you were supposed to do like, I remember, you know, he was supposed to do X amount of minutes.

[2843] I remember what it was.

[2844] But I remember, when is this motherfucker getting off stage?

[2845] Yeah.

[2846] Because I was headlining.

[2847] Yeah.

[2848] Yeah.

[2849] I remember that.

[2850] I don't remember people not liking you guys, though.

[2851] No, they liked us in small groups, but not at a 14 ,000 people.

[2852] No, but I mean comics.

[2853] I mean, I don't remember comics not liking you.

[2854] I don't remember that.

[2855] Yeah, they kind of just didn't like the fact that we would come in as a group.

[2856] Do you remember Cato and Morin?

[2857] Who's that?

[2858] They were a group too.

[2859] Was it what?

[2860] Steve Cato and.

[2861] Chris Zito, right?

[2862] No, no, no. He was a different guy on his own who wound up being a, he went on to be like a radio DJ.

[2863] Yeah, yeah.

[2864] He's in Springfield.

[2865] Good guy.

[2866] Yeah.

[2867] Yeah, Cato and Morin were like two guys.

[2868] Like one guy, there was like a smaller guy and a big guy.

[2869] Yeah.

[2870] And they were a comedy group too.

[2871] I do remember them vaguely.

[2872] I remember they got a lot of shit.

[2873] Yep.

[2874] And I think they branched off.

[2875] I think Morin went on his own.

[2876] Yeah.

[2877] Yeah.

[2878] You were fat Johnny and the round guy?

[2879] Funniest.

[2880] Funniest, fuck.

[2881] They were the funniest people ever.

[2882] That was a great group.

[2883] The two of them together.

[2884] They would rap and shit.

[2885] They were, they would, I used to do Boston Comedy Club, my first, I think my first show there, I moved to New York.

[2886] I was the last one to move out of New York, because I went and did acting for like two years.

[2887] Red Johnny in the Round Guy.

[2888] Red Johnny and the Round Guy.

[2889] That's right.

[2890] So I quit comedy.

[2891] After Dane kind of made it, I remember the group broke up because I think one, Dane came one day and he was like, I have a show on the night of an Allen the Monkey show.

[2892] And we were like, yeah, but it's Allen the Monkeys.

[2893] And he was getting paid more for his single show than he was.

[2894] We were getting paid for the whole show.

[2895] So I was like, all right, fuck it, we're done.

[2896] And I went and just did acting.

[2897] I was like, I went, I met my acting teacher.

[2898] Peter Kelly.

[2899] I did like a couple movies and some off -broadway, an off -broadway play in Boston.

[2900] I just got into acting.

[2901] For how long?

[2902] Almost two years.

[2903] Really?

[2904] Yeah.

[2905] Billy, Dane, and Patrice and Gary, they were all kicking it at Knicks and all that stuff.

[2906] And I was just acting for a, for around a year and a half, almost two years.

[2907] I just went into just acting.

[2908] And how did you get back into comedy?

[2909] It's a disease.

[2910] It's like, it was like a thing.

[2911] It's like a parasite that's just in you.

[2912] And I just was like, fuck.

[2913] And I just went to Nix one night.

[2914] I was like, I got to get back.

[2915] I can't.

[2916] I got to do this.

[2917] And I went in.

[2918] They were all on stage.

[2919] They were getting up.

[2920] There were regulars at Nix on the open mics on Knoxie show.

[2921] Kevin Knox had a Wednesday night.

[2922] People, you know, and I remember I couldn't get up, couldn't get on.

[2923] Like I had to earn my dues.

[2924] I was a year and a half behind everybody.

[2925] So I remember just sitting there night after night, just not getting on and all other assholes getting on.

[2926] I was like, fuck.

[2927] And then I was going to quit again.

[2928] I was like, Dane.

[2929] I was talking to Dan.

[2930] I'm like, I'm done.

[2931] I'm out.

[2932] Fuck this.

[2933] They're letting her on or him on.

[2934] And I can't get on.

[2935] And he was like, dude, just hanging in it.

[2936] That Knoxie walks up literally during that conversation.

[2937] Want to do five?

[2938] I was like, yeah.

[2939] He goes, you're on next.

[2940] I was like, great.

[2941] Noxie went up.

[2942] Wow.

[2943] Boom.

[2944] Blah.

[2945] Wow.

[2946] Fucking 10 ,000 beers.

[2947] Yeah.

[2948] Then he goes, give it up for Robert Kelly.

[2949] I went up, killed it.

[2950] just out of pure just murdered he said come back next Wednesday and I was just in I was back in yeah noxie was the best he was great the best he was such a good comic for young comics well he's just a nice guy nice guy Billy Martin another great guy you know Billy sure love Billy he he went on to write for Bill Maher executive producer of Bill Maher yeah he was still around yeah still on the show no shit I believe so yeah he had the Wednesday net at the Calloons he put me up every Wednesday he hated what I did he came up to me goes I hate your comedy but you kill so good for you what he said that what he goes I because I would go up and kill but dude I was I was a lot of confidence and a lot of you know what I mean I was kind of sucky too I just have this thing that I did where I would go up and I was like what's up how you doing all right you like that you chick I go squal -l -l -l -l -l -l -l -l -l -l -pp.

[2951] Fucking terrible.

[2952] Do you remember me doing that?

[2953] Kind of.

[2954] I don't know.

[2955] I mean, I always remember liking you.

[2956] Yeah, dude, yeah.

[2957] I mean, yeah, I loved you too.

[2958] I mean, it was great.

[2959] I was so sad that you lived in New York.

[2960] But, yeah, I started doing stand -up then, and from then I flourished.

[2961] Do you remember the time I got my ass beat?

[2962] Remember the time we did that bar?

[2963] We did some shit bar in New Hampshire or something.

[2964] I don't know where it was.

[2965] It was just a bar And you were headlining I was on the show And you got beat up I don't remember this at all That's what happened That's why I never would fight a wrestler In my life What happened Dude Wrestlers are just a different strength So it's like different You know what I mean Like this kid was there At the show I think you left I think you left.

[2966] You had to go do something.

[2967] I must have.

[2968] And we all went back.

[2969] I don't remember this at all.

[2970] We did the show.

[2971] It was awesome.

[2972] You were headline and we hung out.

[2973] And then I think I left.

[2974] I went to this party at this girl's house with all my friends and this kid, this little guy.

[2975] This little guy.

[2976] And he kept fucking with me. He was like, yeah.

[2977] What's up, man?

[2978] What's up?

[2979] And he kept getting in my face.

[2980] I was like, dude, get the fuck.

[2981] Finally, he was just like, get out of my face, dude.

[2982] Stop.

[2983] Get the fuck out.

[2984] I'm serious.

[2985] And then, you know, I think, I was like, fuck it, let's go, outside.

[2986] And it was snow, the sidewalks were all ice.

[2987] I was in cowboy boots.

[2988] Remember back of the 90s with the little silver tips?

[2989] Yes.

[2990] I had cowboy boots with tight jeans.

[2991] Oh, no. Dude, I went outside, and I remember I had mace.

[2992] And I'm, look, I know you're a real fighter, and I know there's a code.

[2993] but in Boston fucking suck a punch whatever you gotta do to win you know fuck you I was the king of suck of punches back when I was a juvenile you know there's no there's no rules you know but there was something because I was sober now I had this mace and he's coming out and I just dropped the mace in the snow I was like I can't do this oh boy bad move he came out and uh just threw me around.

[2994] My legs was slipping because I was on my boots and I was trying to grab it and my feet kept slipping.

[2995] And I remember he picked me up.

[2996] He headbutted me. He came up like that.

[2997] Head butted me in the face.

[2998] And then my ankle tore because I slipped on my boots and then he just picked me up and slammed me to the ground like a fucking rag doll.

[2999] And my friend was like, he's at enough.

[3000] And I remember I got my ass beat.

[3001] I was so fucking.

[3002] sad.

[3003] I had to go to the hospital.

[3004] I remember they had to cut my boot off because it was so swollen.

[3005] I was so sad because I just got the boots.

[3006] And yeah, it was terrible.

[3007] Hate that.

[3008] I fucking hate that.

[3009] After a show.

[3010] I remember there was a chick there that was trying to hook up with.

[3011] I remember she never called me again.

[3012] Of course.

[3013] Getting your ass kicked is a motherfucker.

[3014] Yeah, it's not fun.

[3015] Have you ever getting your ass kicked?

[3016] Sure.

[3017] And really?

[3018] In fight fights.

[3019] No, in life fights.

[3020] I didn't get much fights in life.

[3021] I didn't, I avoided that because I was fighting.

[3022] From the time I was 15 to the time I was 21, I was traveled around the country fighting in martial arts tournaments.

[3023] Right.

[3024] So I never got in street fights.

[3025] I got beat up so much.

[3026] Yeah, I got in like a couple in high school.

[3027] One time in high school, this dude grabbed me in a headlock and threw me to the ground.

[3028] And he was going to punch me in the face and decided not to.

[3029] Yeah.

[3030] I was helpless.

[3031] And that's when I started wrestling.

[3032] I was like, fuck, I got to learn how to wrestle.

[3033] Yeah.

[3034] I remember just like, I'm just so lucky this guy didn't just beat me. my face into a pulp like he I didn't know how to wrestle like we he got in my face I didn't know what to do yeah I was like confused and I remember he got me in a headlock and just threw me to the ground and then didn't punch me in the face like was gonna punch me in the face but didn't it's like and I just like it's okay and I got up and then I remember avoiding them around the school like I'd see him so where is he I gotta go the other way and I remember like I hate this and that's when I started doing martial arts because I was like, I got to learn how to fight.

[3035] That's why I put my kid Maximus in Jiu -Jitsu.

[3036] It's perfect for kids.

[3037] I put a Matt Sarah.

[3038] I called Matt.

[3039] Oh, that's awesome.

[3040] I go, he put me up with Igor Gracie.

[3041] Oh, perfect.

[3042] And he's been there for over a year now.

[3043] Oh, that's, yeah, it's so important for kids to learn how to defend themselves.

[3044] It'll just it'll let you avoid fights.

[3045] Yeah.

[3046] You know, I remember one time I was in, um, I was in Fenway Park, like that area and, uh, like Kenmore Square.

[3047] And I was walking down the street.

[3048] And I was and these fucking kids I forget it was two or three kids I think it was two kids and they were like just street kids like shitty kids and he's like hey man could I borrow some money and I go I don't have any money he goes come on man I know you got some fucking money and I go no I don't have any money you know and he goes man I'll just fucking take your money I go okay and I keep walking he goes where the fuck are you going and I got to the door of the Taekwondo Academy where I was teaching and I was teaching And I go, I'm going up here to teach a class.

[3049] I go, do you want to come up?

[3050] And we were like looking at each other.

[3051] And he's like, you're teaching the class?

[3052] I go, yeah.

[3053] And that's when he understood, like, why I was so confident.

[3054] I was trying to figure out, do I kick this guy's head off of his fucking shoulders?

[3055] Or do I just calmly walk up to the door and go, I'm going up here to teach a class?

[3056] It was one of the more interesting moments in my life because it was a moment where having confidence, and really knowing how to fight.

[3057] And by that time, I was like 17.

[3058] I had knocked a bunch of people out by then.

[3059] I was used to it.

[3060] I didn't know how to do it.

[3061] And I remember just that confidence kept, like it was confusing for him.

[3062] And he's like, man, I know you got some money.

[3063] I go, no, I don't have any money for you.

[3064] And then when we got to the door, it was like perfect timing.

[3065] Like right when they were starting to escalate shit.

[3066] And in the door, the door was a logo of a guy flying through the air, kicking another guy in the head.

[3067] That was the J -Hun Kim Taekwondo Institute.

[3068] I took karate for a while.

[3069] I took Kempo.

[3070] Yeah.

[3071] Elvis karate?

[3072] Ed Parker.

[3073] Come on, man. Come on, man. That's my favorite version of Elvis, pilled up doing karate.

[3074] With a ghee.

[3075] Come on, man. With a ghee with a giant collared shirt under the ghee.

[3076] Under the gay, yeah.

[3077] I took it for a while, but I split my ghee.

[3078] I got fat again.

[3079] I, I, I. My first girlfriend, when we met, we were both in shape.

[3080] I was taking karate.

[3081] She took karate with me. We would go and do karate.

[3082] But like any relationship, you start getting lazy.

[3083] We started going to the all -you -can -eat Italian buffet across the street on Route Run.

[3084] And then I remember one time I went in with like sauce stains on my ghee.

[3085] Oh, my God.

[3086] And then I quit when I split my ghee.

[3087] I went down to do a stupid split, you know, at the beginning when you're stretching and shit, and my ghee just ripped.

[3088] And I just never went back, ever.

[3089] I was like, I got to go.

[3090] Are you doing anything now to work out while you're losing weight?

[3091] I'm working out six days a week.

[3092] Wow.

[3093] The thing with the operation, and it's not for everybody, there's the gastric bypass where they fucking rearrange your shit, there's the sleeve.

[3094] The sleeve, no, the two, what is it called?

[3095] The band, the band, which is they put a band over.

[3096] I think Ralphie got that.

[3097] twice and then the sleeve is the least invasive it's laparoscopic and they just make your stomach smaller so it goes from whatever it was into the size of a banana and i just i had to do it i looked at it like this 37 years ago i went to rehab i went to the road back and i took myself out of the game for 14 months to get my life back i can't i got i got i got i got i got i got i got i got to work.

[3098] I got a life.

[3099] I can't just leave for however long.

[3100] But my stomach can.

[3101] You know what I mean?

[3102] My stomach can go to rehab.

[3103] Like my insides.

[3104] It took me like three years to make the decision because I want to do it.

[3105] You want to be a man. I can do this.

[3106] I can get this fucking done.

[3107] You know, I'd go on things and you hear people just fucking do it.

[3108] Just do it.

[3109] But I couldn't.

[3110] I couldn't do it.

[3111] I was 350 pounds I was bigger than any heavyweight champion of the world I was bigger than any linebacker on any team I was 5 -8 you know I'm 51 at the time I got this beautiful son I'm in love with I got my wife I love I finally enjoying life and I'm gonna my son's gonna not have a dad right because of pizza you know and I'm like I'm gonna fuck his life up because I can't stop stuff in my face because whatever the addiction is because I turned off the other addictions and now I'm addicted to this and I need I needed help and then I'm a member of this cigar club Cigar Republic shout out to those guys they fucking love you by the way it's all men it's all these guys it's 24 hours you get a thing you go up it's a lounge it's awesome just a bunch of fucking men and smoke cigars talk shit watch games whatever one of the guys in there is this you know dude arpan and he's wound up talking to him he's a surgeon he does these operations three years ago i started talking to him and i was like you know i can't i'm gonna do it i'm gonna get it done and maybe we'll talk we kept doing that and i couldn't do it dude i couldn't get it and i'm like i'm gonna die my my my my my sleep apnea my feet would tangle in um my heart rate was up every i was i was going to be gone i was going to stroke out it was just you know either i do it i don't and finally i talked to him and i'm like what do i got to do and he's like you have to lose this weight before you can't just get the surgery you have to lose weight you have to get your bMI down you have to see a nutritionist you have to see a dietitian you have to change the way you're eating before you do the surgery you have to this first.

[3112] I was great.

[3113] We planned it out.

[3114] I was like, I can do it at this time.

[3115] And I got my BMI down, and I went in for the surgery.

[3116] And the night of the surgery, I was walking.

[3117] He's like, you've got to walk tonight.

[3118] And tomorrow and every day you have to walk.

[3119] The night, I can only walk the hall once.

[3120] I went home the next day.

[3121] I could walk down my driveway and walk back up.

[3122] The next day, I walked down the driveway, walked down the block I came back the next day I walked up and down the block the day after that I walked around the block I just kept going walking and walking and walking because I knew the key to life is exercise it's the fountain of youth and I would be on the row with Louis and he would exercise every day I would see these people it's it's the key it's the fountain of youth I just got to move I don't have to you know do all this other shit I don't don't have to get a trainer.

[3123] I don't have to do a, I just have to move.

[3124] Just move.

[3125] Yeah.

[3126] And so I, that's all I did.

[3127] And, but it, the operation allowed me to not, my addiction couldn't take over.

[3128] If I eat too much, I get sick.

[3129] So it allowed me the moments of clarity to understand, I'm not hungry right now, but I'm hungry.

[3130] You know, there's also a thing in your stomach.

[3131] This isn't theory.

[3132] This isn't, you know, this is a theory.

[3133] There's grellin cells.

[3134] in your stomach that tell you you're hungry so when you remove in theory when you remove and I want to get male you're wrong I'm just saying when you remove that stomach those cells go with it so you have less of those cells yeah so that helps you you know it helps you not feel that hunger when you're not hungry well it seems like also you change your pattern and once you develop a new pattern right you could really that pattern, if you stick with it and you get momentum, that pattern can become your new way of thinking, your new way of life.

[3135] That's how it is whenever I get really serious and start doing something, like very serious, it becomes my new thing.

[3136] And then it becomes easier to do because it's just a part of the day.

[3137] Like, this is what I do now.

[3138] And then I kind of get obsessed about like staying on that pattern.

[3139] Yeah.

[3140] I mean, like that's the thing I couldn't get to.

[3141] You know, That's the thing I couldn't get to.

[3142] But now I, I, you know, I lift weights now because, you know, I got a, you got to lift weights.

[3143] Your phone is listening to you.

[3144] What?

[3145] Yeah, your Siri just kicked on that bitch.

[3146] Yeah, it's, you know, it's been, I think, four months, and my whole life has changed.

[3147] That's amazing.

[3148] Sleep apnea is gone.

[3149] Heart rate, resting heart rate's like 58, 52 sometimes.

[3150] I walk every day.

[3151] I lift weights three or four times a week My pain is gone My aches and pains are gone That's fucking awesome Everything's gone I had a pain in the back of my ear That if you touched it It was like somebody stabbing me It's gone Like nobody knew what it was It's gone It was weight related It was I couldn't Pushing down on a nerve All that inflammation Something yeah it's all gone And I learn I'm like I learn how to slow down I learned how to like eat the right foods I learned how to like move just move even if it's a mile just walking and my whole demeanor changed there was a two days I didn't work out and I was fucking grumpy and pissed that's me and I went like this I didn't I didn't move today yeah and I went and I just jumped on the treadmill for a half hour and my fucking day lit up yeah I was like your endorphins kick in your anxiety goes away anxiety I'm less ornery I'm less angry and I can you know I can I can fly do flying as a fat fuck hard you develop fat tricks like I have a bunch of fat tricks you know like if I remember dropping your ear pod on the plane in mid flight was devastating because I can't get it so I would just kick it over to the skinny guy next to me and I'd be like dude can you get that for me?

[3152] Oh yeah, sure.

[3153] You know what I mean?

[3154] Seat belt, I would have to use my stomach as a third hand.

[3155] I put the seatbelt in under my stomach to hold it and then click it to get it on.

[3156] I used to get sneakers without, you know, laces, slip -ons.

[3157] Because it was tying a, you ever see a fat guy, the shoelaces are always tied to the left or to the right because we can't get it in the middle.

[3158] Yeah.

[3159] Putting my socks on was a nightmare.

[3160] I had to grab my foot and drag it up.

[3161] up to the bed and hold it there and I'd be out of breath putting a sock on but the funny thing is that you learn to live with it your body's fucking amazing think about it I was walking around with 12 babies I was carrying 12 babies right all the time and I my body learned how to just fucking do everything I was doing get on the plane I would hold I would put my hand I'd have I'd fly with sweatshirt and put my hand in the sweatshirt so it would hold it because I had a I was so big I had to hold my tits so I didn't hit the person next to me because I remember one flight I was holding it with my hands I fell asleep and I just whack the chick next to me oh my god so I would have to hold my arm in my sleeve to fly it was I mean talk about anxiety talk about feeling like shit all the time in the back of your head that you didn't even know and now you know flying is I fucking love it.

[3162] I love it.

[3163] I love, you know, getting dressed, taking a shit.

[3164] Dude, I can wash my balls.

[3165] Dude, I'm not kidding.

[3166] Like, from behind.

[3167] Like, I remember I opened the bathroom door and I was scrubbing my nuts.

[3168] I'm like, Dawn, look.

[3169] I could scrub my nuts.

[3170] I was like holding my nuts like a doughman pitcher.

[3171] Like, look, I could hold my nuts.

[3172] She was like, good for you, honey.

[3173] That's great.

[3174] You're doing good.

[3175] That's awesome.

[3176] She's like, fucking idiot.

[3177] that's hilarious yeah it's crazy but I feel this is this is it this is the I'm not I'm not going back beautiful yeah not going back so I'm in the middle of sober October I got to end this podcast because I'm in the middle of sober October I got to go home and do a workout yeah we have to work out seven days a week 360 we're 30 30 days 31 days 100 pushups a day yeah 100 pushups a day I'm also doing 100 body weights squats and burn 500 calories yeah that's great so I got to do it before the show.

[3178] Yeah.

[3179] And I've got to do some ads.

[3180] So I've got to wrap this up.

[3181] Hi, brother.

[3182] It's been fucking awesome catching up with you.

[3183] Good to be on.

[3184] It was a lot of fun.

[3185] Good to see you too, brother.

[3186] It's great to see you doing well.

[3187] Thanks for let me promote the special.

[3188] It's called Killbox.

[3189] It's on Louis CK .com.

[3190] You can go to check it out right now.

[3191] Look how fat I was.

[3192] Yeah.

[3193] That's fucking awesome, brother.

[3194] Yeah, thanks, brother.

[3195] And we're going to do a show tonight.

[3196] So we're going to have some fun.

[3197] All right.

[3198] That's it.

[3199] Bye, everybody.