#457 - Ari Shaffir

[0] by the time he was doing like blade two or three apparently he was off to handle patten oswald has wrote a whole blog entry about it on meeting i'm describing it describing it he might have performed it somewhere he might have performed it i'm not sure but i remember hearing about it i think holy shit it was crazy it was like ryan o 'neal and him and and apparently uh this was wesley was like he was gone he was you know just off the deep end crazy on the set and so that they replaced him with what Patton called much cooler black guys.

[1] They replaced him with another guy to film like some of the scenes.

[2] I did like the martial arts stuff and yeah.

[3] Because I couldn't deal with him.

[4] I don't know.

[5] I don't know what the fuck happened.

[6] Wasn't he already sort of a movie star?

[7] He went crazy in between there and there?

[8] Yeah, I think probably some substances were involved.

[9] Oh yeah.

[10] That's always that.

[11] It's usually.

[12] It's always that.

[13] Yeah.

[14] And you see them like taking whatever and you're like, oh, oh.

[15] It's also, I don't think we can imagine.

[16] imagine what it's like to be that famous.

[17] I think for some people, it's just, and then you get hooked up with the wrong people in your life, and you're fucking around with the wrong friends and getting in trouble.

[18] So many of them, Elvis.

[19] Yeah, it's a, it's a, well, the nature of the business, like, if you're a fucking, your person who's in the limelight that heavily, like the nature of the business becomes very bizarre.

[20] You know, the nature of your reality, you're getting around.

[21] Yeah, everyone treats you like a, like, a, commodity we're talking about Justin Bieber like how Justin Bieber the kids like everywhere he goes people fucking freak out just to see him like he's like some weird alien you know we can't imagine what the fuck I just sort of feel bad for him now it's sort of in a way I mean it's not an ideal way to live it seems awesome like don't feel bad he's got all this money but yeah it's a crazy like burden to throw on somebody Brent Toble told me he got into an elevator with Jessica Simpson and she turns to the woman just with it goes he's not supposed to be in here as if like another human yeah it was just going up to whatever his room was he was in no way yeah wow oh my god yeah well you know what though like how do you start expecting that it's wrong it is totally wrong but in her defense to be her as a woman and be super duper super famous yeah she must be so vulnerable it must be weird to the opportunity for a guy to get in an elevator with her like men want to fuck her which is not used to it so much There's so many men who, like, and a guy who knows that he could probably physically take advantage of her and can't believe that he's in her presence in a trapped environment, like an elevator.

[22] Right.

[23] If he's a really creep, you know.

[24] He would go to town.

[25] He could.

[26] He would ravage her.

[27] Be horrible.

[28] I mean, you're much more vulnerable as a woman if you're that stupor famous.

[29] So you think she puts in her rider when she goes to a hotel?

[30] Like, okay, but you got to let him know.

[31] No one can ride with me. No, you can't do that.

[32] She might have rules that her security, like, follows.

[33] security details her security you know she might like have rules like she doesn't want security to let anybody in the hotel you know lobby with her or let anybody in the elevator with i don't know she might but it's like people don't have to listen to though but how do you stay normal after that after no one's allowed to be in the elevator with you well here's the thing about like you and i is that we're we're stand -up comedians and by being a stand -of comedian you're all the time forced to look at everything you look at yourself you look at yourself you look at like what saying you look at the world around you you like looking for jokes in things you're looking for jokes in yourself you're looking for jokes in your own life a lot of people don't do that ever so they're not thinking they're not ever thinking about their behavior they're just doing what they can get away with and they're acting as fucking loony tunes off the deep end as they can get away as as they continue to get away with more or more loony tune shit they got worse and worse well that's what the whole diva thing is all about man I mean she has so much power to yell and scream at people like yeah why do you why is that what's going on there they said rosanne every year every more year she got she had her show they was just firing more showrunners she was on the podcast talking about it really yeah just like getting rid of people well she talked about how crazy she went really yep yeah yeah yeah she's pretty open about it you know i mean she's essentially saying what you're saying she's saying that nobody can handle it it's just too uh one after another they all fall it's too hard just a bee but there's no way's normal no way there's no way there's no way Yeah He was trying to rush people Dude you're scrawny man So young too You know for him to be so young And to have that habit to him It's a fucking wild ride man That's not a normal ride of life You're not a man yet You're a child and you're adored That's not supposed to happen that way You're supposed to feel insecure You can see how they become that king Joffrey Oh yeah exactly Definitely exactly I mean he's not You're raised in that I'm sure he's not I'm sure a lot of it is exaggerated he seems like a nice kid i met him once i shook his hand his dad's hand the ufc really yeah i mean he seems like a nice kid what do i know i didn't know he was i didn't know he was until i was shaking his hand like as i was shaking his hand i was like that's not a singer kid this was a while ago but he's much more famous now than even he was then oh like he's like in some crazy stratosphere fame thing now but i think all of us exude fame where you're like jesus no no no no no no he was just a nice kid just came over and said i realized as i was shaking his hand that it was Justin Bieber.

[34] Like I said, this was like two years ago.

[35] Probably two.

[36] Maybe, might even be three.

[37] But nice, you know, it's nice is all well and good.

[38] Canadian, man. Being able to handle that kind of fame.

[39] I couldn't imagine how anybody could not Elvis it.

[40] There's no way.

[41] It seems like.

[42] There's no way.

[43] It seems like your reality is just so bizarre.

[44] Yeah, if you're just entitled to something, you were just like, oh, I'll just take it.

[45] Yeah.

[46] Do you think they're just picking on him to a point where, like, I mean, they're, like, making news stories of him peeing in a mop bucket.

[47] Oh, yeah.

[48] I mean, they're making news stories of him being a 21 -year -old egging his neighbor's house.

[49] Oh, yeah, but I think that was real.

[50] No, no, no, no, but it is real.

[51] But, I mean, when I was 21.

[52] It's like, right, that's like, we all did that.

[53] We all did that.

[54] Yeah.

[55] We're not any better than that.

[56] But a 21 -year -old that's got $500 million or whatever he's got, you know, that becomes more interesting to people.

[57] You get mad at him.

[58] You get mad at him.

[59] You pee at him bucket?

[60] You have that much money.

[61] Well, he's got to pee.

[62] Well, it's also, I mean, the house, the egging the house thing, I kind of disagree.

[63] I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

[64] Yeah.

[65] I don't think there's anything wrong with that being a story.

[66] I think that's a real important story.

[67] Yeah, I agree, but he got caught, but it's like that is the worst.

[68] Like, all these other things are just so mind.

[69] It's like, well, yeah, you're 19 and slutting it up?

[70] Yeah, you're from the fucking south.

[71] Of course.

[72] That's perfect.

[73] On target.

[74] I bet you if you were hanging out with him, it would.

[75] be just like hanging out with your friends oh you want to smoke weed oh dude let's get a little fast in the car oh let's do this and and then you yeah of all those things that you've did they've made stories out of all these little minor details and made it like every time you go on TMZ it's something stupid like Bieber did this he flicked off there was smoke coming out of his car well he becomes the show see the problem is like when when you step out like that and you're driving a chrome car and you know and I mean he's what he's doing is he's stepping out he's racing Lamborghinis in Miami and he's getting fucked up here and he's getting fucked up there and he's having fun he's having a great time I bet he's having a great time he's doing the best I've ever imagined a 19 year old kid could do with a half a billion dollars he's doing great like leave him alone his dad's around him all time right I don't know I mean I was who knows I'm just trying to make good music dude what's the fuck should I do he's having a blast is what he's having but boy he's on a crazy rocket ship ride.

[76] There's no way it doesn't explode.

[77] He's strapped to the head of like a missile and shot through the sky.

[78] And it's like, wow, the fucking, you know, the ride is very fast and very exciting.

[79] Yeah.

[80] But the landing.

[81] Oh, yeah.

[82] What is the landing going to be like?

[83] They stop trying to make them out like a virgin anymore.

[84] Well, are you going to keep this?

[85] I mean, how long are you going to keep balling?

[86] How long can you keep balling that hard?

[87] he's got a chrome car he's 19 he's got a chrome car he's throwing eggs at his fucking neighbor's house shirley temple retired at 21 whoa yeah she was like I'm getting out of the business I'm living off residuals whoa she lived a normal life wow that's crazy yeah I feel like 10 years nobody even fucking bother her wow huh that might be the move that might be the move just like cool I did it now I'm good I'm set on this let me just work on my painting I don't know man you know As you see more and more instances of people that get that super stratosphere of fame and more and more Michael Jackson's, you know, Michael Jackson to me is the most fascinating character study on human beings that I've ever witnessed because I think he is...

[88] He never went down and fainted, well, I guess sort of, but not really.

[89] Well, he kind of did and then didn't and, you know, he's sort of still in the mix because people didn't want to believe that he was a child molester.

[90] Nobody wanted to believe it.

[91] Dude, that guy, it became a fucking freak.

[92] He became...

[93] A monster.

[94] He became a monster.

[95] He became a monster.

[96] He became a monster.

[97] He became this white -skinned vampire -like guy with alien eyes.

[98] Picknosed.

[99] He had his eyes worked on to the point where his eyes were, like, really big and wide.

[100] It was weird.

[101] He had a bunch of weird shit done to his face.

[102] He had a dimple put it in the...

[103] And then he played the Super Bowl.

[104] like that.

[105] And he denied ever having anything done.

[106] Did he really?

[107] Yes, yes he did, yes.

[108] He denied having anything done.

[109] Like, I went to have my nose fixed, but that was because something went wrong.

[110] And then he pretended to have a baby with somebody?

[111] Yeah, what was that?

[112] And the kids came out white.

[113] With Elvis's daughter?

[114] Did they say they had a baby with her?

[115] Well, no, no, no. He didn't have a baby with her.

[116] But he had, with this one woman.

[117] Supposedly, she was pregnant with his kids.

[118] And the kids came out totally white totally white completely white like it's one of the weirdest things ever and i guess you're supposed to i don't know what you're supposed to question and keep in him i don't know i don't know the guy do you remember when he was going through that when he's doing the interview in Vegas and he's going through that like statue store yes he was like totally remember that you know the fame is pretty nice i'll have two of those plays and uh and this guy behind just leering just like all right that's $200 ,000 yeah yeah that one's $150 ,000 each yeah just tallying it up he just keeps going yeah doing the interview and yeah Order and shit just walking through It was kind of like a cry for help man Sort of That video was kind of like a cry for help What did that kid say?

[119] This is that guy that's saying that Michael Jackson molested him when he was a kid And now he's like trying to get money out of the state And the state's saying you waited too long, too bad Oh really?

[120] This is not his money anymore, it's our money What do you think though man You know there's also the possibility That he didn't molest kids and that or he There's nothing I know about the world That would say that that's a realistic possibility But yeah, it was, could it be that people were trying to take advantage of a guy that's just fucking really weird?

[121] Yeah, maybe.

[122] That's why, that's the only way people aren't, like, at his door with pitchforks is there's a possibility.

[123] Well, he's dead.

[124] People just made it up.

[125] He didn't be at his door today.

[126] Yeah, no, no, no. He died the weirdest death ever.

[127] Yeah.

[128] The guy who's taking this, he's getting put under every night.

[129] That's how he's going to sleep.

[130] That's how he went to jail.

[131] Yeah.

[132] Yeah.

[133] Can you imagine?

[134] Did you imagine you take it?

[135] to the next level.

[136] I'm going to sleep?

[137] You're getting anesthetized.

[138] Just tuck yourself in, man. You'll be okay.

[139] How about sleeping pills?

[140] It's not strong enough, bitch.

[141] I need something more.

[142] I got nightmares.

[143] Well, I just think if you just, Michael, if you just lay your head down, just count sheep for a little bit, it could probably work.

[144] Well, that shows me not listening to me. Just saying, trying it without the stuff.

[145] Yeah, he wasn't willing, he wasn't even willing to endure that.

[146] Nope, nope, we're not going to be staying up another night.

[147] Put me under.

[148] Anesthetize me. And the doctor was so crazy He just did it He was getting paid so much He fucking talked them out every night Oh But I guess that's super bad for you I guess you're not supposed to You're not supposed to get out An anesthetize yourself every night It seems like That would be a no brainer Do you sleep?

[149] So not really You're just out I'm I've been put I wake more refreshed Well isn't that like side of of that particular type of anesthesia is like that no you wake up and you feel refreshed it's like there's some sort of a trick to it oh really after like 30 minutes i kind of remember reading that i should probably pull that up i think there was a particular type of anesthesia that he was into it when i got put out at eddie bravo's class i felt so refreshed afterwards that's different yeah you wake up and i was like when he was like you can get back in there i was like can i really i just felt like i I felt like rested.

[150] I felt like his nap for 30 minutes.

[151] So his anesthesia, do you guys remember what it was called?

[152] No. What do you mean?

[153] The type they gave him to him?

[154] Yeah, it was, uh, what?

[155] The anesthesia that they, they got him with.

[156] Okay, propo fall.

[157] Oh, yeah.

[158] Propofal.

[159] Propofal.

[160] So we'll still look at Propofal's benefits.

[161] Propofal.

[162] That's so scary.

[163] Yeah.

[164] Do even even once.

[165] I can't go to sleep.

[166] What else do you got?

[167] That's so.

[168] Crazy.

[169] But the idea...

[170] I have a meeting at 10 a .m. We've got to go sleep.

[171] The idea that someone could get that far gone.

[172] They'd get that far gone where they just need to be put out.

[173] Do you think there were other doctors or were like, Michael, I can't do that?

[174] Like, get the fuck out of here.

[175] I guess.

[176] I guess.

[177] I guess.

[178] I guess this doctor thought he was going to be able to keep him alive.

[179] And if he kept him alive, he would be still pulling money out of Michael for a long time.

[180] I mean, that's the only reason why it makes any sense that anybody would agree to this is because they need money yeah they want the money it's so i mean there's a reason why it's not legal it's not ethical it's scary it's scary that you can get a doctor to agree to just put you under every night it's so crazy oh yeah i'm trying to find the disadvantages of going to sleep every night by my by the gas yeah um i'm just the disadvantages of uh of using it yeah let me let me hear him just uh by the way i'll be in chicago at zanis this weekend powerful chicago zanis small club cool place yeah i've never been supposed to be one of the best clubs in the country i've never been either really yeah it's supposed to be one of those small ones right yeah it's real small i think it's like less than 200 seats yeah i think it's jammed though i'm doing three shows on saturday and two shows on sunday you would love it yeah i love chicago chicago's cool vibe oh the best there's something that town.

[181] I mean, this is a mess right now as far as crime, especially with young urban kids, like the gang warfare.

[182] Really?

[183] In Chicago?

[184] It's horrible, horrible, like gang fighting and murders, a lot, a lot of that going on.

[185] That's unpleasant.

[186] Yeah, yeah, there's a lot of that shit going on.

[187] It's got one of the highest murder rates in the country.

[188] Really?

[189] Mm -hmm.

[190] Yeah, when I was there.

[191] I barely ever played there.

[192] You never played there?

[193] I know, I have, but it barely.

[194] Did you ever do it with me?

[195] I just did it with you, Chicago Theater.

[196] That was like a week ago.

[197] I forgot.

[198] It'll be all different material if you come out.

[199] I'm not going to repeat any of that stuff.

[200] Durf.

[201] There's a type of person that comes from the Midwest.

[202] They're like grounded.

[203] Genuine?

[204] Yeah, it's sort of a genuine grounded quality.

[205] Like, a lot of hardworking people, a lot of people that have worked on farms, a lot of people that have families that worked on farms, people that came over here, their relatives came over here a long -ass time ago.

[206] You know what I saw there once, though?

[207] I saw, it was one of the early days I went there with you, and there was this, they put us in like a VIP area, those nightclubs.

[208] And some girl was flirting, and then she came in and sat with us.

[209] I was like, yeah, yeah, sure, yes, come on in.

[210] And then as soon as she went in, some girl behind the rope bumped her, and she just gave her this look like, excuse me, you need to keep out of here.

[211] This is my area right now.

[212] She just took it over She kicked a girl out of it I'm so confused She just got invited in some VIP area And then immediately started acting like she was better than everyone else So the first time I saw that in girl behavior Oh I see where she was somehow the queen all of a sudden Yeah people can be conti That's not good I definitely explain that at the least You might be too hard to talk right now That's possible My tolerance went down in New York Might want to slow your role Yeah the New York thing is a bummer Yeah.

[213] So, it's such a horrible way to live.

[214] For folks who don't know, all right?

[215] I mean, I'm not saying this like, this is the way you have to live.

[216] I'm just letting you know.

[217] In Los Angeles, it is unbelievably ridiculously easy to procure marijuana.

[218] Yeah, you just pull over.

[219] It's essentially legal.

[220] It's essentially legal.

[221] If you have a medical license, it's legal.

[222] A medical license is just a poop to jump through.

[223] If you don't have a medical license, it's decriminalized.

[224] Right.

[225] So that's one of the things that Arnold did when he left office.

[226] So as long as you're not smoking weed and driving like an asshole, it's pretty fucking legal.

[227] You're doing it in the privacy of your own home.

[228] Cops don't give a shit.

[229] They don't give a shit.

[230] I had a cop in my window giving me a lecture about texting with a half -smoke bowl, like in the middle.

[231] And he's leaning in for like two minutes.

[232] They don't care.

[233] They don't care.

[234] What people are concerned with, especially police officers, is people that are fucking dangerous.

[235] That's what they're concerned with.

[236] If you see a guy texting, that's dangerous.

[237] Oh, yeah.

[238] You know, if you see a guy and his van looks like Cheech and Chong, that guy's probably drove really fucking slow.

[239] As the smoke leaves his cracked window, that guy's going to be, he's probably going to be really scared to merge, but other than that.

[240] In Maryland, I couldn't figure, even with my friend, we wanted to smoke pot, but we couldn't do it at each other's parents' house.

[241] So I just got in the car.

[242] Yeah.

[243] No other options.

[244] But then your car smells like weed.

[245] That's the problem.

[246] You got to make that choice.

[247] You make that choice to smoke in your car.

[248] Your car's always going to smell like weed.

[249] No, just for like 10 minutes.

[250] Bullshit.

[251] Unless you close doors right when you finish smoking.

[252] You get one of those pot smoking dogs to come there a month later.

[253] It smells like weed.

[254] I found weed in my car on the way to the airport this time that was in there, like in the center console for maybe a year or two.

[255] I didn't try it yet.

[256] I was on the way to the airport.

[257] I was wondering if I know edibles lose their potency.

[258] They do.

[259] Yeah, they go away.

[260] It goes away, like almost entirely.

[261] It gets to the point where they don't do anything.

[262] but they only have like a certain lot Tom McCormick explained it to me once but I don't remember I gave Tony some weed that was in the back of my fridge for like three years once if you want it you can have it and he goes yeah I got me high as fuck wow yeah well I guess maybe the dried plants it's different than when you you cook it it's like the cooking aspect of it I think or the putting it into an edible form something about like spiciness goes away if you leave the top off too long does it really yeah like of what If you like, let's say you have a thing of like that, um, the red sauce, not the saratra sauce, but the, but the ones with all the, the seeds in them.

[263] Do you ever see those?

[264] Oh, yeah.

[265] Okay, yeah, I know what you're talking about.

[266] If you take the top off that and just let it like oxygenate.

[267] Is that scientific?

[268] It goes away.

[269] No, no, it's just observation.

[270] Really?

[271] Yeah.

[272] Hmm.

[273] That's interesting.

[274] I don't know.

[275] You're the one who turned me on to that fucking shit.

[276] What is that stuff that you gave me, that bomb?

[277] It's a bomb?

[278] Oh, it's so good.

[279] Oh, my God.

[280] Oh, my God.

[281] He gave me this.

[282] hot sauce that it looks like so small if you were like it even has like a nuclear warning sign on it it has like a little nuclear sign on it and it's such a small bottle you're like what it what what what what how horrific could this stuff possibly be everyone always like terrified it's such a small bottle like how are they so confident to sell me that much hot sauce is it just that one pepper that whatever the ghost pepper I don't know if it's ghost pepper it might be that caspicum capation Yeah.

[283] Well, let's find out.

[284] See, the bomb, D -A -A.

[285] B -O -M -B hot sauce.

[286] Habanero peppers is it.

[287] Yeah.

[288] That's it.

[289] No, that's not it.

[290] That's a different one.

[291] There's a death one.

[292] There's a black one.

[293] There's the little tiny death one.

[294] Whatever the little tiny death one is.

[295] That one, the final answer.

[296] What is that?

[297] Is it?

[298] Is it?

[299] But literally three drops into a plate of spaghetti and marinerar sauce.

[300] Three drops and then mix up the whole.

[301] thing.

[302] Is that the same sauce?

[303] It looks different.

[304] I guess they have a bunch of different flavors.

[305] That's what it is.

[306] Yeah, there's a few different flavors.

[307] Okay, this is it.

[308] The bomb beyond insanity.

[309] That's it.

[310] This is the one.

[311] See this one right here?

[312] Yeah.

[313] That's it.

[314] Yeah.

[315] Well, whatever.

[316] Whatever the fuck the name of this stuff is.

[317] I got cocky.

[318] Did you really?

[319] Yeah, yeah.

[320] I put like a half a teaspoon of that shit in.

[321] And I took your suggestions.

[322] I think it was, no. It was, you know, it was.

[323] either spaghetti or it was chicken noodle soup from Jerry's famous deli you took my suggestion in what and doubled it?

[324] I took your suggestion and put it into spaghetti you told me put it in spaghetti.

[325] I put it in noodles actually I'm pretty sure that it was the chicken noodle soup because I get that all the time but holy fuck I was in agony I was like this is the most ridiculous hot sauce of all time.

[326] It's got a good flavor to it though.

[327] It does but I went to war.

[328] I went to war with my body.

[329] I shit it out it says habanero pepper enhanced with habanero infused flavor create a sauce measured at 119 ,700 scoville units of heat wow wicked beyond belief you get your context a jalapeno pepper is 2 ,500 that is insane 119 ,700 scovil units of heat it's so hot I did the same thing on a plate of spaghetti I took like a whole teaspoon ate one bite fought on the ground for a while Thump the whole thing back into the whole, like, tub of spaghetti, and then all that was hot.

[330] I didn't think that it was, um, I didn't think it was just habanero.

[331] It seems so strong.

[332] I felt like it had to be more than habanero.

[333] There's voodoo in there.

[334] There's no, there's no, really good, really good habanero sauce.

[335] And, you know, real strong stuff, but it was nothing like that.

[336] Yeah.

[337] That was so off the deep end.

[338] So good.

[339] You ever have L. Yucateca?

[340] Uh -huh.

[341] That's my shit.

[342] They said that at the griddle.

[343] That's my shit.

[344] The Mexicans know how to make the best hot sauce, period, dude.

[345] They're habanero sauces, that L. Yucataka.

[346] It's delicious.

[347] It's hot, but it's also really delicious.

[348] Like, I put a lot of that shit in my eggs, and it's got a lot of heat, but it's still, the taste is so good.

[349] You know?

[350] Yeah, a lot of people don't understand that.

[351] It's a lot about the taste.

[352] It's the pain that goes with the good taste.

[353] Yeah, you don't want to just suffer like an asshole.

[354] Yeah.

[355] I love any, do you ever get challenged when you put a bunch of hot sauce on something?

[356] You're like, drink this whole thing, then.

[357] Drink this whole thing in Tabasco.

[358] And you're like, I'm not trying to win a challenge.

[359] Yeah.

[360] Yeah, what?

[361] Come on.

[362] It's like your dad, if you catch you just smoking a cigarette, wants you to smoke the whole pack.

[363] Listen, bitch, I just want to try cigarettes.

[364] You have to fucking stuff them in my face.

[365] Yeah, smoke the whole pack.

[366] You're about CVS?

[367] What happened with CVS?

[368] Oh, they're not going to sell cigarettes anymore.

[369] Not going to sell tobacco products.

[370] I think it's weird that they did anyway, or how they sell alcohol?

[371] They sell alcohol and it's supposed to be a place to get medicine.

[372] Yeah, this is what I thought.

[373] For the longest time, I was blaming all these Philip Morris, like, oh, they know it's addictive, they're still fucking putting it out there.

[374] But then you're like, oh, what about the people selling it?

[375] they know too they've read the stats they're just making money off it they could easily do what the CVS is doing it's so weird especially in pharmacies well it's weird man because there's part of me that says hey I want to be able to buy cigarettes if I was an idiot if I was an idiot and I decided to start smoking cigarettes I'd want to be able to buy them I don't give a fuck if CVS sells them you know if CVF wants to keep selling them so right I get it if you don't want to make them illegal but some health place does not have to sell the fucking agents of death that is kind of creepy that it's a I think about it that way.

[376] Yeah, because they have, they have tequila, they have alcohol, and then they have medicine on the next hour.

[377] Yeah.

[378] That just makes no sense of all.

[379] I mentioned on Twitter, and all these people like, oh, they still sell candy, they still do this.

[380] I'm like, guys, it's a good thing.

[381] It gives people less, like, direct access, easy access to a harmful product.

[382] It's just good.

[383] And somebody's like, well, they're just going to get all this, all this business from the insurance companies now.

[384] And it's like, yeah, they should get rewarded.

[385] They should get rewarded?

[386] Yeah, when you do a good thing.

[387] It's nice when those people get rewarded.

[388] It doesn't make it bad.

[389] the idea that you could just sell things that you know are going to kill you know it's pretty yeah how are they not held liable i mean it's not even something that gets you there's something about there's a willingness when you decide you're going to drink you know like when you like when if we're at a comedy club like you want to do shots all right we're doing shots there's this thing that happens when you decide that you're going to drink that is beneficial there's some there's camaraderie in it there's like fun in yeah you know there's there's There's happiness to it.

[390] There's a warmth.

[391] If you're doing it, right, you know, you can enjoy the experience of having a couple of drinks.

[392] But the experience of smoking cigarettes is just death.

[393] It's nice.

[394] No, it's nice.

[395] When you're getting a good circle of people?

[396] Yeah, but it's not changing your fucking state.

[397] I mean, it might be giving you a little bit of a stimulation, right?

[398] It gives you a stimulant sort of effect, right?

[399] Yeah.

[400] That's what they say.

[401] It seems it's a friendly thing.

[402] That's one that hurt me the most is not smoke when you see, like, a bunch of people just in a circle.

[403] I'm like, I want to be part of that.

[404] right right yeah there's a thing people who do like people like to do that with cigars like to sit around cigars and smoke with a bunch of guys yeah now it's really weird because all the comics are using these things so you just see circles of people using these fake electronic hookas well those are better for you man those are fucking better for you that shit is better for you than cigarettes period this is great for me for it doesn't like for chain smoking or when I'm inside it's like chain smoking's thing I would do I wouldn't even think about it'd be like working and I'll be smoking put it out I'm like, wait, where's my, oh, I already put out, I got a smoking out.

[405] You know what I mean?

[406] So that's good for, like, the in -betweens and when I'm driving and traffic.

[407] Big J's been, like, a two -a -pack -day smoker for, like, years and years, and he's already, he's gone, like, 120 days just on those.

[408] Yeah, the good thing about that.

[409] They help people quit.

[410] The good thing about this is, besides, like, the blue cigarettes and, like, those little disposable nicotine ones, is those, like, you have, you don't get any kind of satisfaction from that.

[411] Oh, really?

[412] And this, you actually, like, you brought up.

[413] That one looks too much, though.

[414] It looks too big.

[415] Like, you're calling attention to yourself.

[416] You call attention to yourself.

[417] Yeah, so what is that?

[418] It's a whole device.

[419] It's a bunch of smoke, though.

[420] It's curved at the top.

[421] It's not even straight on.

[422] No, no, you can...

[423] You're angry, you're Joey Diaz.

[424] It's just too much attention.

[425] It's just too big.

[426] Why is it too much attention?

[427] Because it's God...

[428] It's like, look at this thing I'm doing.

[429] I'm doing something different.

[430] Everyone look.

[431] Is that what it is, or is it...

[432] Is there any benefit?

[433] The ones that look the same size as I get that.

[434] All right, a blue tip goes off.

[435] I tell you what...

[436] You mean, like, a...

[437] There's oil in there.

[438] Blue Sigs.

[439] Yeah, those blue sigs, yeah.

[440] The difference is this battery lasts a long time.

[441] and it has a lot of juice in it.

[442] It looks like an electric toothbrush.

[443] And it does.

[444] Electric toothbrush.

[445] It looks like one of those things that they put in your ear to look around.

[446] Oh, yeah.

[447] It has a readout also.

[448] It tells you how many hits you've had.

[449] And it also says, like, what, your battery life.

[450] Really?

[451] Wow.

[452] That is a trip.

[453] Let me see that thing, man. And what's really cool is that they have these bars now in Los Angeles that are huge bars, and they're like, yeah, I want mixology bars.

[454] So you go, and you're like, yeah, I want cotton candy, but Pez?

[455] And they'll go, okay.

[456] And they make it up.

[457] those?

[458] Yeah, and it's like these, like, it's almost going to like a bar.

[459] Okay, Ari, you're wrong.

[460] This thing's dope.

[461] Take a hit of it.

[462] You wear fanny packs.

[463] I do wear fanny packs.

[464] I sell fanny packs.

[465] I sell you kind of stuff.

[466] Do you really?

[467] I'm selling them now, higher primate.

[468] I got a beautiful one from Roots with a higher primate logo on it.

[469] With boots?

[470] Roots, you know, roots, the company that makes bags, they make leather bags.

[471] Yeah, they made me one with a higher primate logo on it.

[472] Well, I got it from Dice.

[473] Dice came in, and he had, he had sweatpants on, and these This fanny pack And I'll go That's a beautiful Fanny pack I'm like Where'd you get there It's like Oh yeah It's from Root It's the best And he's showing me The fanny pack And so I got the I got the dice clay Fanny pack That's my Fanny Pack You can get one I'll get you one My fanny pack Is a dice clay Inspired I've just ordered Some sweatpants On line I'm waiting to get them And I'm just gonna start Wear pants No you're not Do not do that Yeah I am No Do it do it I'm gonna wear Tracksuits No don't do that No stop it No Why not Why not I agree with this.

[474] Why not?

[475] They're comfortable.

[476] I'm not worried about that look.

[477] They have those new sweatpants do that.

[478] Look like pants.

[479] Have you seen these things?

[480] You can not go out like that.

[481] That's ridiculous.

[482] You can not go out like that.

[483] You're wearing sweatpants.

[484] You got to wear sweatpants.

[485] You know, that's, you're full.

[486] You can't put fucking racing stripes on a Cadillac.

[487] That's just stupid.

[488] Yeah, exactly.

[489] That's dumb.

[490] If you get it, if you're stupid.

[491] If you get, you're gonna wear sweatpants, make them look like sweatpants.

[492] Make them look like sweatpants.

[493] I'm gonna start wearing tracts.

[494] Please don't do that.

[495] Please do not.

[496] I cannot sit with you if you do that.

[497] You can.

[498] You'll be fine.

[499] I supported you through your cardigan days I never said a word I never shit on your fucking terrible dress habits I never did how dare you say that you wouldn't support me for athletic wear that's just preposterous If you're doing athletics I can see it Well I'm an athletic guy I like to move around You just break out I need some clothes that don't hold me down See these are sweatpants But they look like regular pants Oh that's nice I'd wear those I'd wear those yeah I actually would love to wear those That's actually It seems like something Those do not look like sweatpants.

[500] You're looking at right -ass cock, aren't you?

[501] You can't help it.

[502] I looked at it.

[503] I looked at it for a full three or four seconds.

[504] This is Joe, and he's going to be wearing cookie monster sweat hands.

[505] That's me. Badger soft and pajamas.

[506] It'll be covered with cat hair.

[507] Show you how much of a bait I am.

[508] I'm all for the track suits.

[509] I think that needs to make a comeback because I hate wearing jeans.

[510] We're so concerned with what kind of clothes we wear.

[511] People who are like really into style, they're always annoying.

[512] They're almost always annoying When they start talking about This is this is Gucci This is Fendi This is a This is a Ralph Laurenne My artist friend told me There's all these older artists Now they're getting a little successful And they have like sleeves But they're like oh I only wear these type of shoes There's nothing wrong with being into clothes There's nothing wrong with enjoying I think clothes are artwork Don't get me wrong But there's people that are like really obsessively into style And like kind of snobbish about it that's like a weird thing to give a fuck about you give a fuck that this guy has pain on his pants like if you and i are hanging out you have pain on your pants i could give zero fucks is that like a better thing whatever you no i'm just saying if you what you choose to wear a type of shoe where you choose to wear like i make fun of cal and shoes all the time portland you can wear anything you want you should be able to wear anything you want everywhere but someone who's like into like rigid style like oh that's out of style that's out of style says fucking who I don't know.

[513] Says fucking who.

[514] You tell me what the hell Bored decides what's in style and not in style.

[515] Where whatever the fuck you want?

[516] If you want to wear some sweatpants, wear some fucking sweatpants.

[517] And anyone who cares is an idiot.

[518] You fool.

[519] You care that that guy's walking around in sweatpants?

[520] Why do you give a fuck?

[521] Why would anybody care even slightly that someone's walking around and wearing sweatpants?

[522] In the office?

[523] In the board room?

[524] What do you give a fuck?

[525] Well, you have to wear that weird, stupid outfit that you wear with these stiff corners, these sharp edges, and a tie around your neck, and cuff links that are so fucking stupid.

[526] You have to stick some metal extraneous pieces in there and tighten up.

[527] It's better without the buttons.

[528] You have to have links because your collar folds over.

[529] Get the fuck out of here.

[530] That's ridiculous.

[531] With your shiny, stupid, hard -sold shoes.

[532] Why do you have wood in your shoes?

[533] The bottom of your shoe is wood?

[534] Really?

[535] There's wood in your shoe?

[536] What is it?

[537] Fucking 1812?

[538] Are you living in Denmark?

[539] You have clogs on, you fuckhead?

[540] It's ridiculous.

[541] Why would you have leather, shiny leather on the bottom of your toes?

[542] Do you know how slippery and stupid that is?

[543] That's got from it all.

[544] What's with the tassels, you fucking half -wit?

[545] You like tassels in the front of your shoes, you idiot.

[546] Man, tassels.

[547] What is that extra fancy, you fucking tarred?

[548] They're leather tassels.

[549] Childish and silly and ancient and retarded and dumb -de -dum.

[550] Who cares how you dress?

[551] You know, I just all summer long in New York, I would put on flip -flops, shorts, no shirt, and just get high and walk around.

[552] Is that cool to walk around with no shirt?

[553] No. It's not.

[554] No, I mean, it's allowed, but even homeless people don't do it.

[555] But it's not illegal?

[556] Uh -oh.

[557] Hmm.

[558] What about women then?

[559] Can women walk around topless?

[560] I know that's been fought for, right?

[561] Columbus, Ohio, you can.

[562] Portland, you can be top of us.

[563] I guess a little tassels.

[564] Really?

[565] Yeah, at least tassels.

[566] Yeah.

[567] Oh, my God.

[568] That's a style, man. It's tassas on top of tassels.

[569] Oh, my God.

[570] You need ayahuasca.

[571] If you wear tassels in your shoes, you need ayahuasca.

[572] You need...

[573] I've had shoes like that.

[574] Mother, ayahuasca to take you away.

[575] Have you ever done that stuff?

[576] Ayahuasca?

[577] Yeah.

[578] Still have not.

[579] Me neither.

[580] It's a more...

[581] prolonged version of a DMT trip that apparently doesn't quite get to that DMT flash level.

[582] Really?

[583] But it gives you sort of this weird spiritual insight thing that you don't necessarily get with DMT.

[584] That's the way it's been described to me, but my friends have done it.

[585] It's hard, like, when you're trying to relay experiences, everybody's is very different.

[586] So, like, if you haven't personally experienced it, it's hard to try to put into context what they're saying, like how they're describing something you really have to experience it so one of these days i'll have to do it but um the dmt flash everybody that i've talked to or i've tried to like piece together what they say about their experiences yeah it's all seems like we're all talking about a similar place but it's hard to it's so wacky that it's hard to uh put into like any context on in the the real world so the words that you use are all the wrong words that's what i talk about talking about God and the voice of God.

[587] Like, there's no voice.

[588] It's not like that.

[589] There's no arm of God.

[590] There's nothing that we can comprehend.

[591] If this is, if it isn't, you know, when you, when you do that, if it isn't you actually communicating with something, if it's all happening inside your head and it's all imaginary.

[592] Yeah.

[593] Yeah.

[594] God damn, your brain has some untapped potential.

[595] Oh, yeah, probably.

[596] If that's in there, if that really is just our collective minds in there or really is just the, the, the, the depth of the potential of human thought and the, you your ability to hallucinate or imagine things or your imagination in itself, the very mechanics of your imagination creating all these crazy illusions.

[597] And if that is the case, like, wow, you know, what an incredible potential the human mind has just on its own that just we get to every now and again.

[598] And it puts on this bizarre show of this godlike quality.

[599] Like this perfect, idealistic, utopian, loving thought process that hits you.

[600] when you're on that stuff like of course people think it's god i mean maybe it is god and maybe what god is is human potential it's its greatest heights that's just what god really is yeah it's just a concept and maybe we're just getting you know too much of it when you have a psychedelic experience there's too whatever the fuck you know that you're tapping into that gives you ever come across it i've seen it once but i've never done it i was no the other stuff the mt mt yeah well i'm sure we can make that happen if you were willing to sign a few pieces of paper for the government and participate in the study you should get in on the rick strassman studies what's the rickrassman studies he's doing it again what's he do um he's the guy that wrote that book uh DMT the spirit molecule he was the first guy that was able to secure federal funding for research yeah he's got a license to be able to do it i don't know if they funded it or if they allowed him to do it but they They allowed him to do intravenous DMT injections.

[601] Intravenous.

[602] Yeah.

[603] The book's called DMT, the Spirit Molecule, and it's a fantastic book.

[604] It's really interesting.

[605] He's a, you know, he's a scientist, and he's a Strassman and say, I would donate my body to science for that.

[606] He's a brilliant, brilliant guy, but he's also, like, a really cool guy, and he's really nice.

[607] He's a really, like, nice person.

[608] And when you hear about his relaying of these people's experiences, the way he set everything up, and his willingness to track this idea down and try to see what it really is all about.

[609] It's really courageous.

[610] You know, for a doctor to do that, you can get in some weird, we can't get in some weird situations where people think you're a kook.

[611] But he's dealing with a real chemical.

[612] Yeah.

[613] They can't get funny to study mushrooms or the legalities to do it.

[614] Maps is starting to break some boundaries on that.

[615] They're starting to make some headway.

[616] Really?

[617] You know, yeah.

[618] There was a John Hopkins University study on psilocybin.

[619] MAPS is the something multidisciplinary psychedelic studies.

[620] I don't know with the actual acronym how it works, but it's probably the number one group as far as like really intelligently debating and promoting psychedelics.

[621] Oh, wow.

[622] And the study of psychedelics, all brilliant, brilliant guys.

[623] You know, we had Rick Doblin, who's one of the guys from MAPS, one of the head guys.

[624] We had them on the podcast, and the guy couldn't have been cooler.

[625] I told my suburban friend to take mushrooms.

[626] She's about to turn 40 Whoa Why are you trying to figure out Herbs She was like I don't know I'm just like yeah I tell it like do it with your husband Tell her to take mushrooms Listen to that YouTube song Actually watch it Watch it in the YouTube video The one Fallon from Fallon Oh yeah Yeah Do you think when you get through a certain age Though that it might be too scary To recommend somebody You sure you don't have herpes I'm gonna take a hair She said I'll be scared I'm like yeah of course you'll be scared Yeah but I mean like When you get to a certain age You kind of also have that Like I'm going to die No It's a big hit What kind of flavor this?

[627] That's great mixed with a little bit of You're a fucking child Pina colada You're a black child I didn't get anything Yeah you have to hold the button the whole time You can kind of like Puff on it almost That's kind of the way to do it best Puffing on it How'd you get the desk squad symbol in there?

[628] It's sticker fit it perfect Oh nice That's hilarious But you know like when you're older You kind of have like the back of your head like oh you know what if i'm having a heart attack because i'm 40 you know because i want to because i want to recommend it to somebody that's never done it the same way but i just tell him like that's a ridiculous notion she's never done anything like that before yeah tell you know what man you should let people do what they want to do if they want to live their whole life and never do mushrooms you should let them i'm not going to force them to do it shouldn't even bring it up shouldn't even bring it up no no disagree absolutely bring it up you think you should offer it up yeah really yeah well i think if you want to fuck you should.

[629] No, even if I don't.

[630] I advise my male friends, too.

[631] I try to get them to do it.

[632] Do you really?

[633] Yeah.

[634] Not with me. The last thing I want to do if I'm going to try to fuck a girl do mushrooms with them.

[635] Really?

[636] Yeah.

[637] Makes it weird.

[638] And what if you freak out in front of her?

[639] You ruin all chances for life.

[640] They don't feel like I can't.

[641] So they don't feel like held down.

[642] Nah, no way.

[643] That's awesome.

[644] Yeah, I think anything you do, whether it's mushrooms or smoke pot.

[645] I was having a conversation with a buddy of mine last night about a friend of ours.

[646] And we were talking about, like, how this dude could benefit from weed.

[647] Yeah.

[648] Like, this is why he does this, because he doesn't smoke pot, so he's not, it's not, he doesn't have that paranoid introspective thing that you get when you smoke weed.

[649] We start really examining yourself.

[650] Yeah.

[651] You know, and uncomfortable lights.

[652] People, a lot of people who don't smoke weed who need to, that's like the quality that they're lacking.

[653] So they have, like, this hubris.

[654] So they can keep pushing forward.

[655] No, you really do.

[656] They keep pushing forward without.

[657] considering you know how they're come off to other people they just keep pushing forward yeah they have this hubris that would like come on man just smoke this and stop and think about yourself for a second people get caught up also you get caught up and go in a certain direction like like did you see wolf of wall street no not yet good yeah it's good yeah i really enjoyed it it's really good you know a lot of people say that martin scorsese like his movies are kind of like formulaic yeah but i say those people can go fuck themselves because what he does is he knows how to do it man I should I'm sorry so good with words he for my next 1500 words that I don't need here's a picture boom he just knows how to make a movie that like it's different like he'll do things like like there's a part when Leonardo Caprio like you know everyone's moving and talking and they just stop talking but there's no sound coming out but he's walking towards the camera and looking at you.

[658] They've essentially completely cut out the sound of all the other people and he's talking to you.

[659] It's like these weird little things that he does.

[660] Like there's the chaos of the trading room floor and as Leonardo DiCaprio walks through it, there's no sound, just him talking.

[661] He's explaining his life and the world that he lifted.

[662] That's directorial shit that the director does.

[663] He's like he's saying something about something.

[664] He's just dope.

[665] Martin Scorsese is just a master.

[666] He's just a master.

[667] He said he had this shot in a taxi driver where it's when you see a guy walking towards the camera a character walking towards a camera and then you see another angle like cut right from there to camera moving towards something you're like that's the point of view of the guy we just saw right um so then they start having him pan across that view starts panning across the taxi place all the way around and around and then it's then it puts de Niro in the shot it was supposed to be his point of view and all of a sudden he's in it and he just does stuff like that yeah say this shooting is just as crazy as this character is yeah yeah yeah gives you that deeper shit gets you feeling loopy yeah this just there's such an art to filmmaking you know i don't have any desire to ever do it no it seems like a lot of work oh my god it seems like so much work but i appreciate the shit out of it you know i really really appreciate someone that's really good at it someone just really knows how to make a movie that you go to scene and go fucking hey that's a good american hustles a good god damn fucking movie that's pretty good that's a good fucking movie man that is a good fucking movie man christian bail is such a bad motherfucker yeah he's pretty good god damn he's good yeah do you ever see the machinist and those women were fucking fantastic too the chick from the hunger games oh yeah the redheaded chick god damn fantastic you see it prior what a movie bradley cooper was awesome you haven't seen it yet i don't see movies unless i have a girlfriend i just never think about oh yeah i know what you mean Ladies, you hear that cry for help?

[668] Don't let another season go by without Brian Redband finding a girlfriend.

[669] I live a totally different life when I'm in a relationship.

[670] When I'm in a relationship, I don't do shit.

[671] I don't watch TV.

[672] I don't watch movies.

[673] What do you do?

[674] Play with dogs.

[675] You just don't do anything?

[676] Furious masturbation from the jump.

[677] The alarm clock goes off.

[678] The lube gets squirted and we begin the race.

[679] That's what it was How many times you can masturbate in a day What do you do you get to?

[680] Probably like three or four Orgasm No you could do more than that In a day You started right away Highest is about five or six for me I would say You can get to seven to ten I think Yeah but by the end What the fuck is What kind of madness It's mostly just liquid I would be afraid of that madness Filling my head With seeds What do you mean If I beat off seven times in a day.

[681] What the things that I need to think of in order to come after times five and six?

[682] What are the madness, the fucking crazy savage jeans that I have to tap into to get my last load off?

[683] You start off slow to give yourself more room.

[684] I don't want those thoughts.

[685] Start off by like smelling your wife's pillow.

[686] I don't want those thoughts, I don't move up from there.

[687] I don't want those thoughts.

[688] I don't want to hit com number seven.

[689] That's a person I don't like.

[690] It would start to hurt, but you have to keep going.

[691] I don't like that person.

[692] I'm just going to fucking figure out that I come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come.

[693] Nothing about dead cats.

[694] I can't fucking fuck the world.

[695] I'm going to get these fucking loads out of the last.

[696] You go from it being sensual to being a violent release of soldiers.

[697] That's how you orgasm.

[698] Thinking about just an angry release of demon soldiers flying out of your dick.

[699] Fight!

[700] Those boner pills make me masturbate a lot more.

[701] Really?

[702] I'm sure.

[703] What are you taking them and strike out?

[704] And then you're like, oh.

[705] Well, no, they just last...

[706] They last for, like, 24 to 48 hours.

[707] Have you ever looked up, like, what happened?

[708] Do you take that stuff a lot?

[709] Nope.

[710] You never even looked into it, I don't know.

[711] I get pretty nervous, though.

[712] I went off propitia.

[713] Pro scar, whatever it was.

[714] You should be off that stuff.

[715] I read a bunch of side effects, and it was, like, depression, all stuff that maybe, I don't know, I think maybe stuff was caused by that.

[716] I think...

[717] Is that hair shit?

[718] Yeah, I had a bad reaction to that stuff.

[719] It killed my boners.

[720] They have bonoritis in there, too.

[721] It killed my boners, and it also made me, um, uh, it made me more tired.

[722] Oh, really?

[723] Like when I would work out, I didn't have as much endurance.

[724] Yeah.

[725] When I got off of it, my boners came back with a vengeance, and I felt like I had more energy training.

[726] And I was like, man, I wonder if that's affecting me in an extreme way.

[727] Like, everybody has, like, a different reaction.

[728] It changes the way it processes, um, uh, testosterone.

[729] Mm -hmm.

[730] Yeah, dihydro testosterone.

[731] You see, but everybody has a different.

[732] bodies reaction it's so weird you know like some people they they're allergic to certain types of antibiotics or they're allergic to penicillin or they're allergic to you know people get weird rolls of the dice with your bodies it might be that my body didn't react to it very well but i know uh i have a buddy who's on it there's no problems with it at all yeah he's been taking that shit for like 10 years probably most people don't yeah for me it was a problem but i didn't realize it was a problem until after i stopped taking it when i stopped take like i ran out of it and And all of a sudden, my dick was like, woken up from a coma.

[733] Yeah, I'll just commit to going bold.

[734] Just say your head, man. You, your head was, you look great when you shaved your head.

[735] No, I did not.

[736] Here we go.

[737] Yeah, you did.

[738] I did not like the shaved head.

[739] Well, you don't have to, but I'm telling you, you look great with a shaved head.

[740] We're all going to have shaved heads in five years.

[741] Listen, there's a reason why the monks did it.

[742] It's, and I don't give a fuck move.

[743] I mean, I was, for me, it was a matter of aesthetics.

[744] My hair was getting so gross.

[745] It was down to the point where, like, you shouldn't keep getting hair.

[746] Haircuts, if every time you get your haircut, your hair still looks like shit.

[747] Yeah.

[748] I was like, what am I paying you for?

[749] Chop all this shit off.

[750] But I would have done it, now that I've done it, now that I've done it a long -ass time ago.

[751] It's the easiest way to deal with it.

[752] You got a round head.

[753] Yeah, it works.

[754] I've got a good head for being bald.

[755] But getting your, like, haircut is so annoying.

[756] Having to schedule that time out of your day and sit down and listen to some nonsense.

[757] I had a cool hairdresser for a long time, my friend Gabriela.

[758] So she was a hairdresser from the news radio days.

[759] Really?

[760] Yeah, she's really cool.

[761] Cool Italian lady from New York.

[762] We've been friends for a long time.

[763] So I used to actually enjoy.

[764] She probably kept me from cutting my hair off for a long time, just because I enjoyed hanging out with her.

[765] I'd go to see her like once a month.

[766] They're the coolest ones, man, on a shoot.

[767] The wardrobe and the hairstylist.

[768] The wardrobe and the hairstylist.

[769] She's funny.

[770] She's a funny New York, like, hard -ass, cool lady.

[771] The makeup people always hate me because of you, Joe, because you always had that rule of, like, I never put makeup on, like, on TV shows and stuff.

[772] And so about twice I've had to say, no, no makeup, I don't do that.

[773] And they're like, what are you talking about?

[774] You have to.

[775] You don't have to.

[776] They tried to get me the other day when I was doing Fox Sports One.

[777] I go, nope.

[778] Like, I was just going to put a little powder.

[779] I'm like, no, that's all right, though.

[780] Like, this is what I look like.

[781] This is exactly what I look like.

[782] That's what I play games and pretend I'd look different than I look.

[783] That's crazy.

[784] Like, you're going to smooth my skin out?

[785] What are you going to do?

[786] I let them do what they want to do.

[787] You're going to light me funny and soft like I'm an angel?

[788] What the fuck are you doing?

[789] I'm uplighting.

[790] This is, look, man, no one's perfect.

[791] This is what I look like.

[792] What do you look like?

[793] Hi.

[794] Hi, let's talk now.

[795] Fucking relax.

[796] You don't have to put makeup on people.

[797] She got mad, though.

[798] She got upset.

[799] Like, look, this is my job.

[800] If you don't get makeup, they're going to stop hiring me. You know what?

[801] People are still going to want makeup.

[802] So there's nothing wrong with makeup.

[803] I wore makeup every day when I was on news radio.

[804] Yeah, they've been, every time we filmed, they put makeup on me. Yeah.

[805] They just want to do it.

[806] And I couldn't say no, then.

[807] You know, who was I?

[808] Anything I did to be a dick I was totally replaceable I was totally replaceable Did you replace Ray Romano on that show?

[809] Yeah I actually replaced the guy replaced Ray Romano So they took Ray Romano was booked for the pilot But they didn't shoot the pilot with Ray Romano No, this is what happened Ray Romano was booked for the pilot And he was working But they decided somewhere in the middle of Ray's thing They weren't happy with what's happening I don't know if they weren't happy with him Or they decided to go a different way with the character and he was right for their original idea.

[810] It's like last minute like we gotta make a switch you're out in the beginning when they're coming up with ideas and they're throwing the ideas around for a pilot it's not uncommon for them to change a character they like decide they need a different dynamic they have all these different dynamics and Ray was more of a laid back sort of a dynamic like that's who he is you know wow I'm when you see him on the show you know he's like a laid back sort of a guy and I think they wanted to someone who's a little aggressive someone who's an idiot who's like a male idiot that was going to do aggressive stupid shit that leaves room for funny so I got lucky it was like I came along after Ray was replaced by another guy who did they just have a fill in for the guy?

[811] He was in the pilot the other guy was in the pilot he didn't think he had a full -time job I don't know what he thought I don't know I don't know if maybe he was with another person guy yeah maybe if he was really good they would have kept him or maybe if he was what they were looking for they would have kept him so then they did you know it's a funny thing about the audition is that the first stuff that they wrote it was it was really interesting because um it wasn't that funny it was like more like matter of factly or it was more like setting up a character you know it was like there was no the jokes in them were very subtle it was like a behavior sort of a piece and a lot of guys like totally like tried to overdo it and try to make it like really funny it just wasn't really funny and they were saying they did that the writers did that because they wanted to make sure that no one would try to ham it up.

[812] Oh, really?

[813] Like, if it's funny, it's funny.

[814] You know, like, say it to make it funny.

[815] Like, you know how to say it to make it funny or not.

[816] But if it's not funny, you don't pretend it is.

[817] You can't hand...

[818] Everything doesn't have to be a joke.

[819] Like, some things are not a joke, and some things are a joke just because you're creating a character.

[820] Like, you know that character.

[821] So when the character does, like, typical things, like that character would.

[822] It was like a joke of recognition.

[823] Right.

[824] You know?

[825] Yeah.

[826] So then the second time I came in for the second audition.

[827] When I say a penny on the ground near bears his feet, I'll always go.

[828] Pick it up.

[829] Yeah.

[830] I won't call it.

[831] I'll just pick it up and put it in my pocket and let him go like, oh my God, I just saw it.

[832] Well, you guys have like routines.

[833] Yeah, I'm saying.

[834] We have that go -to things.

[835] Yeah.

[836] Based on what you know already.

[837] But the second time I went in for the audition, they wrote something really funny.

[838] I was like, whoa, this is hilarious.

[839] It was really good stuff.

[840] So then, you know, they had narrowed it down to a group of people that they thought were, you know, not going to ham it up.

[841] Yeah.

[842] And then they gave the smallest group.

[843] the remaining group shit to be funny with oh right so they they were super who else was close for i don't know i don't know those guys oh there's just a couple guys but i remember i remember there there's one thing that gives you confidence it's to see other people falling apart sometimes who just he fall apart the guy who was auditioning one of the guys who was waiting to audition who's he was visibly sweaty like he was sweaty like it was sweat was dripping down his head And he was going over the lines in this, like, really weird, like, frantic way.

[844] Like, he was, like, kind of mouthing the lines while he was sitting there.

[845] But it was like, it was like, he was falling apart.

[846] He was like, no, shit, fuck.

[847] Like, what really?

[848] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[849] There was something he was doing that gave me massive confidence.

[850] And I remember thinking, oh, if I just got to audition with this guy's going to fall apart.

[851] One down.

[852] I guess, you know, it's probably one of those guys that had been in Hollywood.

[853] Like, look, when you're coming out here.

[854] and you try and audition for shows, it's totally a crap shoot.

[855] You could get super lucky on the very first show, you get cast, and all of a sudden you're on a television show.

[856] It probably helps if it's early where you don't really know the stakes.

[857] Yeah, maybe it does, but it also helps if you just get lucky and you are what they're looking for.

[858] But you could also be here for 20 years and never get cast and shit.

[859] That's possible, too.

[860] Especially if you have the wrong look or the wrong, you know, whatever you're trying to do.

[861] You always used to say, everybody in this town three auditions away from being a star yeah three auditions away yeah yeah everybody every single person yeah i mean look there's some fucking really untalented people on television right now that are stars stars of reality shows i mean really untalented people are you really going to chew into the microphone your motherfucker oh rizan was out here for what a week or a day and she got you know passed at the comedy store and then she got a tv show like quickly there after rosanne yeah she had a crazy ride she was in in Denver.

[862] She started out in Denver.

[863] Oh, yeah.

[864] She got really good in Denver.

[865] That's a grip for her.

[866] Yeah, by the time she came, well, you know what, man, there's a, there's a kind of an attitude that Denver people have.

[867] There's like, they're friendly folks, but, you know, there's a, there's a hard edge to that place.

[868] I mean, they're in the Rocky Mountains.

[869] They have bears and shit there, you know?

[870] It's like, it's a crazy place to live.

[871] Living in Colorado is a little nutty.

[872] So they tolerate a little more, like, heartiness, you know what I mean?

[873] And so Roseanne, like, coming out of there and then going to the comedy stores, like, she'd already built up this act in this cool, smart, you know, hard -edged town in Denver.

[874] There's people dealing with the fucking elements every day.

[875] Yeah.

[876] And then from there, she's in L .A. And there's no comics like her.

[877] You know, she's...

[878] No, she's talking about what it's like to be a housewife, normal.

[879] Killing, too.

[880] Killing.

[881] She's probably hard to follow.

[882] Oh, you could never follow her, man. Yeah.

[883] Do you remember people that have a...

[884] I mean, dude.

[885] If folks who weren't alive when Roseanne Barr first hit, she's like...

[886] Her voice annoyed me, but then I gave another shot like a few years later.

[887] I was like, oh, this show's pretty good.

[888] She's a great comic.

[889] You think so?

[890] Yes, yeah, especially back in the day, you know, especially when she first made it.

[891] She, to me, is one of the most influential comedians ever.

[892] Really?

[893] Yep, because for women, there had never been a woman like her before.

[894] She's the Kinnison version of a woman.

[895] It'd never been a woman like that before.

[896] I was her she had, like, 30 minutes, though.

[897] I don't know, man. She did more than one special.

[898] I mean, she didn't maintain that level stand -up.

[899] You know, once she became super famous and had the TV show.

[900] It was good for the attitude of like, no, this is just who I am.

[901] I'm not trying to be anything.

[902] She was badass, dude.

[903] When she was, before she got her television show, when she was just doing stand -up, she was badass.

[904] There was no women like her before.

[905] She was a total new thing.

[906] She was an overweight white woman who didn't give a fuck.

[907] Didn't give a fuck.

[908] And she had kids.

[909] And she didn't give a fuck.

[910] She sent Missy a black rose.

[911] A dead rose.

[912] it's yeah she wanted to say a message i don't know message they fought with each other black roses are the rarest of all races black roses well it's a nice thing to send then unless it's voodoo attached oh maybe it is she might have some voodoo on it rosanne believes in a lot of wacky shit she's out there sometimes oh dude she's so out there she's like area 51 out there she's one of those really very rarely will touch your hands oh wow congratulations thank you very much i feel pretty good about don't Don't get mad at me. Why not?

[913] You haven't even met her, bro.

[914] I didn't.

[915] You wouldn't shake my hand.

[916] For real?

[917] Yeah, Alan Stevens introduced me to her.

[918] In a fucking office building.

[919] What on the street?

[920] Wow, that's sad.

[921] I'm sorry.

[922] That's right.

[923] I was just thinking like, that's not acceptable to say I don't check hands.

[924] Just don't do that.

[925] Well, what about people that are like crazy ADD and worried about diseases?

[926] What are those people do?

[927] They're not famous.

[928] Obsessive compulsive?

[929] Did they just die?

[930] I don't know, man. I mean, you can't do that at the plant.

[931] Right.

[932] You can't, no one's going to accept that.

[933] At the plant, everybody's in the Flintstones.

[934] Yeah.

[935] Working at the fucking plant.

[936] Oh, I don't shake hands.

[937] What?

[938] What do you?

[939] No way.

[940] Yeah, why is that allowed, right?

[941] Yeah, I think it has to be like, it's a movie star thing.

[942] Yeah, it's a fame thing.

[943] Howard Hughes.

[944] Well, I think we're, I was saying, I think we're uniquely fortunate in being stand -up comedians.

[945] They were forced to look at ourselves.

[946] all the time and I think if you you want to think about someone who gets pushed into these weird boxes of of power you know power that's sort of unnatural you know power that like really like doesn't exist anywhere in the in the the the natural world where someone is like more famous than other people so everyone around them like is like terrified of them and so they what they do is they just have these situations where they, you know, have a show and throw soda at the fucking guy who was running the show or they, like, we were talking about like one of those, um, Grace Under Fire, Brent Butler, apparently threw a Coke in the face of the dude who was doing Grace Under Fire.

[947] Really?

[948] Yeah, yeah, yeah, and like fucking swore at him and said some nasty shit to him and then they cancel the show.

[949] Oh, yeah, she was like, I'm too big for this.

[950] It's almost like, it's total unnatural behavior.

[951] to have this one person, like Brett Butler.

[952] Lack of repercussions.

[953] Yeah, and being so famous.

[954] And without thinking about yourself all the time, without examining, it must be a weird, weird, weird place today.

[955] Hecklers, 75 % of hecklers are cute women, cute to above women.

[956] Trying to get some, try to get some arch, fear dick.

[957] No, just trying to, like, they've never been told to shut up because they're too pretty.

[958] There's a little of that.

[959] There's a little confusion.

[960] So they don't know, they're like, this has nothing to do with you.

[961] Be quiet.

[962] Well, people get confused and think that, because, Because you're talking, they should be able to talk, too.

[963] Yeah.

[964] Wait a minute.

[965] You just can't talk.

[966] You can't just be talking.

[967] No, no, no, no, no. I don't agree with them.

[968] I'm going to say something.

[969] I'm going to say something.

[970] Excuse me?

[971] No, it's not cool.

[972] No, it's not okay.

[973] I had her, she wrote letters to every one of the clubs I was booked out for the next like 15 weeks.

[974] Are you serious?

[975] Yeah.

[976] Saying what a horrible person I am and how she didn't do anything.

[977] What happened?

[978] I threw her out for being horrible.

[979] She was talking all through the first guy And then I started I was like hey stop stop I saw you talking about 30 straight minutes You gotta be quiet We're not gonna do that And then they were like All right they did one more thing I told them be quiet again And then I heard it go Next tab jacked And I was like get out Just go get out of here Front seats We got we got extra ones I just had to do Throw out my first person On a thunder pussy the other day For the same thing The girl was talking the whole time The boyfriend would not shut her up Yeah the boyfriend doesn't shut her up He's just happy to begin to some You can shut a girl up You either ask her to be quiet Or you ask her to leave with you Or you leave her there You can't shut her up, man That shit never works Especially like a really mouthy woman It's really like that's what she likes to do Some people like Some people like hold back all week long And then they like to get drunk Get drunk, you get fighty Get crazy Yeah Get fucking aggressive Yeah it ruined my whole entire set Because she was just fucking sitting there The whole time And I'm just like All right I couldn't take it anymore It happens, man. It happens all the time.

[980] Yeah, it's weird, you know.

[981] It's the enemy of comedy sometimes, but then sometimes it's fucking hilarious.

[982] Sometimes it turns out to be something funny.

[983] You know, we also have the advantage that we were a comedy store comics.

[984] There was no crowd control.

[985] None.

[986] Zero.

[987] Like, people would say, like, I would do, like, a show and someone would heckle, and it would go so well, people would say, was that planned?

[988] Like, was that guy a plant?

[989] Like, no, where'd you come up with all that stuff?

[990] Like, when you, when you start out at the comedy store, you go.

[991] to war.

[992] Not only is it not police, even when you come off and there's been a horrible heckler the whole time, no one then goes to the door guy and goes, oh, you should throw somebody out.

[993] They just moan about it in the back to themselves.

[994] Yeah.

[995] And then the next guy deals with it, the guy after that deals with it, and nobody says something.

[996] Yeah.

[997] It's hilarious.

[998] I'm guilty of it too.

[999] That place was the worst.

[1000] Yeah.

[1001] There's no place.

[1002] Yeah, Sam Trippley always thought that people were like, you throw him out if he was talking until a mayor, but not for me. There's also an extra duchiness to that place because it's in Hollywood.

[1003] Yeah.

[1004] It's a famous, iconic building so you would get these people that were like there's an extra level of douche that you get from people that are like in show business that are duches or trying to make it in show business there's a lot of people that give attempts at show business and they're really insane and it doesn't go well for them and so they'll if they'll be at a comedy club and they'll see someone doing something and they decide and they're insane head i'm still good not only that this guy ain't shit and i'm better than him I could be funny than him.

[1005] Like, I've heard people...

[1006] It's like, you're a mattress salesman.

[1007] I've heard people in the audience.

[1008] I've heard people that could be a comic or it could be an actor in their mind.

[1009] Yeah.

[1010] But it's just this extradushiness of people that are out here.

[1011] You know what I mean?

[1012] It's like, it's not an unchecked duchiness that you don't find it off in the East Coast.

[1013] It's a different kind of doucheousness.

[1014] Yeah, unchecked.

[1015] What the fuck is wrong with you?

[1016] Yeah, nobody like, they don't have friends.

[1017] They don't have people that go, shut the fuck up.

[1018] They have drunk hecklers in Boston, though.

[1019] It's a different kind of drunk heckler.

[1020] Yeah, it is different.

[1021] out of control.

[1022] They're savages.

[1023] Yeah.

[1024] They're just like...

[1025] They're all blacked out already.

[1026] They're the descendants of wild savages.

[1027] They came over here on boats before they were movies.

[1028] I mean, just stop and think about that.

[1029] They didn't know what the fuck was over here.

[1030] These people were crazy.

[1031] The genetics of the first Irish that came to America...

[1032] Yeah.

[1033] Maniacs.

[1034] Who would get on the boat?

[1035] Survived.

[1036] Who would do that?

[1037] Hey, we're thinking about going on a boat to a place that we can't really describe because, you know, we don't have any photos or anything, because they haven't invented cameras yet.

[1038] but it'll take a few months Because they haven't met the cameras yet We'll take a few months And hopefully we won't die of starvation And by the time we get there I mean hopefully the savages won't eat your babies They won't shoot arrows into us As we're pulling up They will eat a lot of your babies No hopefully they won't You like your babies You don't want them get eaten Otherwise you can't spread your seat across the country Wait so when did we make enemies with the Indians Why did they attack and they just like steal the women and stuff Listen everybody that lands in a country And invade the country is an attacker.

[1039] You know, you might not think of yourself as an attacker, you think of yourself as a colonist, but you're an attacker if you run into people that were already there.

[1040] It's just that simple.

[1041] You know, and you can say, well, hey, you know, they should make room for us too.

[1042] Okay, maybe, but maybe they don't want to.

[1043] Because it's...

[1044] Yeah, and if you show any aggression to them and you're taking food out of their children's mouths.

[1045] We gotta get these things out of here.

[1046] Yeah, and then there was also the fucking treaties that were broken and all the horrific crimes that they fucking...

[1047] There's some smallpox blankets for you.

[1048] Oh, yeah, all the horrific crimes that were perpetrated on the American Indian.

[1049] I mean, God, you start and hear those stories and think about it.

[1050] Yeah.

[1051] You hear about the slaughters and the fucking mass genocide and just the numbers.

[1052] Yeah.

[1053] You know what, Australia, they're respectful of the aboriginal people.

[1054] Yeah.

[1055] If one Aboriginal kills another one, the white people don't deal with it.

[1056] Really?

[1057] You guys telling you to deal with this.

[1058] You know what freaked me out when they were there?

[1059] Because they have their own justice system.

[1060] Freaked me out when I was there, they were telling me about during the 50s, I guess it was, where they had this concerted effort.

[1061] They decided to take Aboriginal children from their parents and raise them in the white world to help them, to benefit them.

[1062] So, it's so crazy and dark.

[1063] But the idea was that they were going to try to civilize these people, and the only way to do it would be to take their fucking kids.

[1064] Like, that was a real plan.

[1065] That was, they reinacted at that.

[1066] Yeah, man. They took their kids.

[1067] Oh, wow.

[1068] They took their kids because they believed that their culture was better.

[1069] So much better.

[1070] That's so crazy.

[1071] You're an idiot if you don't think so.

[1072] That's so crazy.

[1073] That's so crazy that people could take people's children.

[1074] Yeah.

[1075] That's so crazy.

[1076] And, you know, apparently, like, they have a lot of the same issues that American Indians have with alcohol problems and their communities.

[1077] Aboriginals?

[1078] Yeah.

[1079] Virginese.

[1080] Yeah, the Native Americans, apparently it's a genetic issue with a lot of them, that they don't have ancestors.

[1081] Because they grew up without it for so long.

[1082] Yeah, their ancestors didn't develop the tolerance, and they weren't accustomed to alcohol the way, like, Europeans were.

[1083] So apparently, Aboriginal people in Australia had a similar problems.

[1084] A lot of them, there's a lot of alcoholism, a lot of real problems with, I don't know if they ever had alcohol before, but they probably didn't have the shit that we have.

[1085] Even if they had their own alcohol, if they didn't have wild turkey.

[1086] They didn't have any crazy tequila They didn't have some shit Maybe that's some mead Yeah They might have some fermented berry juice It kind of gets you high You leave it out and chase off the flies Yeah But they were so arrogant That they thought it was okay to take their kids Wow, that's so mean It's horrible Pulling a kid away from a mom Horrifying, terrifying The ugliest aspects of humanity Yeah I mean the thing is You know I started to think recently What So I thought about Philips at Morris.

[1087] The tobacco company.

[1088] And you think of their evil people, like, just trying to addict you, even though they know it's already, like, bad few.

[1089] But they're not evil people.

[1090] They're just people that had a job there that are doing that stuff.

[1091] They're not these, like, all old men.

[1092] There's just people who got a job, and now they're still doing that job.

[1093] Yeah.

[1094] Even though I know it's terrible.

[1095] Sort of.

[1096] Someone has to make the decision to sell cigarettes.

[1097] Yeah.

[1098] And...

[1099] You could easily just say, oh, I'm not going to take this job in the accounting first.

[1100] I think cigarettes are going to be a thing of the past.

[1101] I think the shit that he's sucking on, that kind of thing is going to make much more sense for people.

[1102] If that stops killing people, why wouldn't they do it?

[1103] It's a nicotine distribution device.

[1104] It's definitely getting people into smoking these again now, and then it's helping the tobacco farms find a way to make money again.

[1105] Because they've all invested heavily in it.

[1106] Because new people are actually getting hooked on just to smoking nicotine now.

[1107] I've noticed.

[1108] What is the actual health differential?

[1109] What's the difference?

[1110] outlawed in New York now.

[1111] Really?

[1112] Indoor's because they said secondhand smoke, but even though it's vapor, but they said they put, the problem is they put on their package safer than smoking cigarettes, and they're like, you have to prove that.

[1113] You can't just say that.

[1114] You need to show me a study.

[1115] Yeah, yeah.

[1116] That is the problem.

[1117] You do have to prove that.

[1118] Yeah.

[1119] It's like some sort of, like, say it's carcinogen or something where it falls into the same category as cigarettes.

[1120] See, it doesn't seem like that blue cigarette stuff.

[1121] It lingers more.

[1122] It lingers more.

[1123] Like smoke.

[1124] I don't smell it, though.

[1125] You definitely smell, like, because how I found out about this actual one, this girl was smoking it, and it smelled like strawberries.

[1126] And I just walked by and I'm like, what?

[1127] What was that strawberry smell?

[1128] Is that your vagina?

[1129] Oh, shit.

[1130] And then she showed it to me, and I'm like, oh, I'm winning that.

[1131] But it does smell, but yeah, and I can see if you don't like strawberry and then you walk around.

[1132] Come on, man, I'm at the library.

[1133] Yeah, but people with perfume, man. No, there's nothing wrong with that smell.

[1134] You smell it.

[1135] I smell it when you just did it, but it smells nice.

[1136] It's like a nice smell.

[1137] I didn't smell.

[1138] Like, cigarette.

[1139] cigarettes right cigarettes are disgusting man you used to come into the car after you smoke cigarettes brian would like pretend he wasn't smoking he would go yeah it would stick to him in the cold oh and you'd come you'd come into the car and we would all smell it like oh dude that's nasty people don't like to hear that shit people that smoke cigarettes especially oh yeah they don't like to hear no you can't smell it okay fine i guess i made up the smell i just smelled so stinky yeah in the cold in the cold you come in it's stinky fuck awful cigarette smells a stinky fucking smell.

[1140] It is gross.

[1141] It's bad for you too, fucks.

[1142] Wait, no, I've not heard that.

[1143] It's bad for you.

[1144] Don't do it.

[1145] Get it together.

[1146] These will be better for that.

[1147] It'll probably will take off.

[1148] It'll probably be the cigarette in 10 years.

[1149] It'll probably have to.

[1150] Well, this is the thing.

[1151] They say that nicotine is actually an effective cognitive boost.

[1152] It gives you like a little...

[1153] That was one of the things that Stephen King said.

[1154] When Stephen King stopped smoking cigarettes, he said he really felt it.

[1155] He really felt the difference in his synapses firing It's the way he described it, and writing his books.

[1156] Nicotine has, like, a sort of a stimulating effect on thinking and creativity for a lot of people.

[1157] But it's the tar and the tobacco that gets you.

[1158] Well, no, it's a lot of the chemicals.

[1159] There's, like, 590 chemicals that they add to cigarettes on top of the tobacco itself, all approved by our lovely government.

[1160] But these insane chemicals are essentially designed to change the flavor and to make it more addictive.

[1161] You know what they do with the nicotine?

[1162] they have a certain amount they'll shoot it up real high like all of a sudden from five to like seven and then everyone has to smoke less cigarettes because it's like all of a sudden they're getting too much so they only smoke like half a cigarette or whatever and they're getting their fix of whatever they need and then they plummet it once you get used to that they plummet it down like two yeah and then you start smoking more because you're not getting what you need then they push it right back up to average again wait a minute they vary it yeah but on occasion in order to get you fucking more addicted they do that now that they already know it causes death.

[1163] They're still trying to get you more addicted.

[1164] Well, I didn't know that they could do that.

[1165] So they can vary the amount of nicotine they have their...

[1166] How do you know this?

[1167] That's what a word on the street is.

[1168] Oh, okay.

[1169] Motherfucker.

[1170] That's what I've heard from smokers.

[1171] I think Big J. told me that.

[1172] It's a dark business, man. Yeah.

[1173] That's for sure.

[1174] Especially if you've ever seen anybody that's dying of cigarettes.

[1175] Emphysema, people that are dying of lung cancer.

[1176] Yeah, I have not.

[1177] Mike...

[1178] I thought James died of that, though.

[1179] Really?

[1180] Yeah.

[1181] He got a stage.

[1182] four tumor that's when they found it he was dead in like two weeks it wouldn't make any sense and gone whoa yeah smoked a lot of cigarettes that guy smoked a lot of cigarettes Mike Lacey from the comedy magic club oh yeah uh huh he made you cry that time Brian he was telling you to stop smoking cigarettes why was I crying because he gets to you dude he's so nice such a nice guy magician no Brian look at me look at me we care about you we don't want you to he did one of those like like Rob well he's a legit, beautiful person.

[1183] Yeah, it really is.

[1184] Break up with a girl at the same day or something?

[1185] I don't know, maybe.

[1186] Yeah, your cat hurt its foot, so you were shoving cigarettes directly into your veins.

[1187] You were opening up veins, stuffing cigarettes in there.

[1188] Yeah.

[1189] I dream I stubbed the toe.

[1190] I can't fucking hit any sort.

[1191] I was just talking about the...

[1192] I was so uncomfortable.

[1193] You were bad.

[1194] I cry pretty easy.

[1195] I almost cried the other day.

[1196] It's just how much what I'm drinking, I think, Maybe.

[1197] What you're drinking makes you cry?

[1198] Yeah, if I drink, like, two, much turkey that's why i need wild turkey i start crying like it's just like somebody's saying the wrong thing about your body's breaking down you cry because like it's beautiful yeah stuff like that or i think about something ridiculous if you drink that much wild turkey your body's breaking down it's just slowly dying it's getting poison it's moaning like my old cat have you had fireball shot fireball have you had fireball what is that it's been a while what is it have you had it yeah it's like cinnamony right what is it It's the shot that used to be popular when I was in college.

[1199] It kind of went away.

[1200] Yeah, near the time of Gold Slager and Aftershock, like, all those really weird shock.

[1201] But then it kind of went away, and it came back, and they repackaged it and everything.

[1202] Now it's, like, everywhere you go, it's everyone's drinking Fireball.

[1203] But it's my new drink.

[1204] Savages.

[1205] Savage is each and every one of you.

[1206] Cinnamon Whiskey.

[1207] I wanted to talk to you guys about this Jerry Seinfeld.

[1208] Oh, yeah.

[1209] Pull this up, Brian.

[1210] Pull it up.

[1211] It's on Gawker.

[1212] Gawker .com.

[1213] G -A -W -K -E -R.

[1214] Just pull up Gawker.

[1215] It's like right on the front page.

[1216] It's who cares about diversity and comedy.

[1217] Says Jerry Seinfeld.

[1218] Yeah, that's not what you want.

[1219] Just look up, but look up, just do a Google search on the title.

[1220] Diversity Jerry Seinfeld.

[1221] And he's getting just Gawker diversity, Jerry Seinfeld.

[1222] He's doing a public interview.

[1223] And people around.

[1224] I don't want to comment on it until we actually pull the video up because I would like you to hear it from him first before we even, before we even comment on it because it's an important subject for guys like Ari and I as comics there's like some shit that they're trying to attach to this here of 22 episodes yeah let's get in a that back up back up back up back up I have noticed that most of the guests are mostly white males of 22 episodes yeah let's get in a that but you take a look over here Peter what do you I see, a lot of whitties.

[1225] What's going on here?

[1226] Oh, this really pisses me off, but go ahead.

[1227] Really pisses me off.

[1228] Well, that's okay.

[1229] Go ahead.

[1230] But you made a comment on the Tina Fey episode that I thought was interesting that I'd like to get your thoughts on a little bit more.

[1231] You said, you were talking to her and you said something about female comedians, it's a struggle for them to balance their feminine projections with their comedic goals.

[1232] And in the context of comedy, not gender diverse.

[1233] I just want to know what you meant by that.

[1234] Well, I was kind of curious what it's like to be a woman in comedy as opposed to a man. There's a little bit of a difference, and I thought that might be an interesting thing to discuss from her perspective.

[1235] She's so successful at it.

[1236] And I was just wondering how she looked at it, if she even thought about it.

[1237] And she kind of gave me the answer, which is, yeah, you do have to think about that, but you know, it's just another thing to think about.

[1238] Okay, all right, fair enough.

[1239] But there were a lot of things about the meetings and cars in the beginning.

[1240] The first 10 I did, I think, were all white males, and people were writing all about that, which...

[1241] That's part of the reason why I asked people had tweeted at me when I said I'm interviewing with Jerry Seinfeld.

[1242] I said, ask him about their gender diversity on this show.

[1243] Yeah, I mean, it's...

[1244] People think it's the census or something.

[1245] I mean, it's just got to represent the actual pie chart of America.

[1246] Who cares?

[1247] It's just funny.

[1248] You know, funny is the...

[1249] is the world that I live in.

[1250] You're funny?

[1251] I'm interested.

[1252] You're not funny, I'm not interested.

[1253] And I have no interest in gender or race or anything like that, but everyone else is kind of with their little calculating, is this the exact right mix?

[1254] You know, I think that's, to me, it's anti -comedy.

[1255] It's anti -comedy.

[1256] It's more about, you know, PC nonsense than, are you making us laugh or not?

[1257] Right, right.

[1258] Yeah, well They went off on that and said that See it shows that he's like racist Well, I saw people I saw a video I don't even want to bring it up I don't even want to pull the video up Because I don't want to watch it again Because it was so annoying Of people that were taking that And saying that that's a problem They're taking that He's not saying All he's not saying I don't care if you're picking him racist He's saying I don't I only care about what's funny He's trying to make things funny And he's not concerned About making them diverse It's like if you think Like all the concubine I haven't made with moustaches on your a show.

[1259] I'm like, because I wasn't even thinking about that.

[1260] That's what he's saying.

[1261] You should be able to do creatively whatever you want, especially when your goal is just make stuff funny.

[1262] Like, why should he have to?

[1263] I mean, if you, if I watch a show with all Koreans in it, I don't get upset that there's no white people.

[1264] People say that, well, you know what, that's just because you're white, and you're privileged and white people have the advantage of.

[1265] There's an overall problem maybe of not using enough black people and not using enough people of color, but that's not each individual shoots problem.

[1266] Yeah, well, it's not the best thing about this world that, you know, there's racism.

[1267] It's one of the worst things, right?

[1268] It's not the best thing about our culture that, you know, we aren't equally represented in the media.

[1269] It's not the best thing when you have to, you know, you have to factor in populations.

[1270] You have to factor in, you know, how long these people have been in the business, how long these people have been in the business.

[1271] There's a lot of shit going on when you talk about putting a fucking show on television.

[1272] A lot of people think that once someone gets into a position where they have a successful show, then on top of having to create that show, they also have an obligation to be diverse because they're representing America.

[1273] And they're supposed to give opportunities to like a equal percentage of the population.

[1274] They're trying to get me to do that for that storyteller show.

[1275] Well, this is where it's a problem.

[1276] No, you should be able to do what you're not talking about like some government position.

[1277] What you're talking about is a creative thing that you're making.

[1278] You should, if you are comfortable doing it only with black people, you should only do it with black people.

[1279] And then it becomes a problem with like, well, I asked like four or five girls, like none of them could do it.

[1280] So I did my part.

[1281] What am I supposed to get somebody worse just because?

[1282] Yeah, it's ridiculous.

[1283] You should, especially like that, like the storyteller type thing.

[1284] You should get whoever you think is good.

[1285] It's your show.

[1286] Things that you think are interesting.

[1287] But I know you.

[1288] So I know if you find a woman who's a gay, black, there's also not that many black comments at the country.

[1289] tall woman and she's really funny you'll fucking love her and you'll start talking about outrageous if she's a five foot nine white girl you know who's really cute but she's really hilarious you'll say she's really hilarious I know you don't give a shit about anything not funny so it's one of the reasons why I wanted to play this when you're here because it's like that's what you should be focused on but they're tricking him yeah it's a set up question it's a set up question because it's a kind of a goofy you know what he's trying to do when he's trying to make a good he's also pretty much most of that show is him in a car getting coffee with his friend and look there's clicks yeah people have the people they hang out with and there's not that many black comics like the clubs there's nothing wrong with it that's the point it's just who he is and who his friends are yeah he did a show with those four people it's we're going to have them on yeah he did you're going to force a black guy in it's like he's just happening mostly his friends and look what happens when they got had Chris Rock on they got pulled over so it's just yeah at the end of the episode they got pull it over.

[1290] He should be able to do whatever the fuck he wants.

[1291] It's his thing.

[1292] He should be able to do whatever he wants.

[1293] You know, the idea that you should be even debating that he's got issues because what he wants is different than when you expect him to want.

[1294] Because it doesn't represent the exact numbers?

[1295] So he had three out of 20?

[1296] If he had five out of 20, it would have been okay.

[1297] There's nothing wrong with sex in the city.

[1298] There's nothing wrong with a show that's only about women.

[1299] No, if you're a woman and you were in your 40s when that shit came out, you would love it.

[1300] It's just wrong for Ari Shafir.

[1301] Yeah.

[1302] But for them, nothing wrong women entertainment if it's a bunch of women doing shit for women they should be able to cast whatever women they want to cast oh yeah there shouldn't be a man that steps up and says hey that was my favorite used to say about lifetime television you saw it was a billboard of a girl holding a gun up another girl holding another gun up and then another guy behind her like in the force also and you're like lifetime television it's like sci -fi for women like this could never exist yeah what are you talking about you're both hot and you're leading the squad yeah really And the guys behind you is back up.

[1303] Just accepting that role.

[1304] It is like sci -fi for women.

[1305] It is.

[1306] Wouldn't it be awesome if the world was like this?

[1307] Yeah, there was a few of those fucking silly movies.

[1308] But that's okay for them, man. If that's what they want, it's okay.

[1309] Yeah, if that's what they want.

[1310] Black entertainment is so bad.

[1311] It's so bad.

[1312] What they feed them is fucking garbage.

[1313] You mean like Tyler Perry?

[1314] Is that what you're trying to say?

[1315] Yes, absolutely.

[1316] That's one.

[1317] It's just all of it's so bad.

[1318] Have you ever seen like the CDW?

[1319] The Black shows.

[1320] Which shows?

[1321] Whatever they are over the years.

[1322] Moeisha and.

[1323] to the Wayans Brothers to whatever.

[1324] The Wayans Brothers.

[1325] How dare you?

[1326] It's just bad entertainment.

[1327] They're offering them.

[1328] They don't offer them anything of value.

[1329] You say them like there's some other people.

[1330] Yeah, they offer that in the group, the blacks.

[1331] The blacks.

[1332] The blacks.

[1333] All their fucking black comedy movies.

[1334] It's like, what is this?

[1335] Soul playing out.

[1336] It's just goofy.

[1337] Well, whatever happened to like Robert Townsend.

[1338] Remember he used to do...

[1339] Hollywood Shuffel.

[1340] Yeah, he did some really cool, funny movies.

[1341] Yeah, what happened to people like that?

[1342] How many, like, when, it's really interesting because there's, like, a bunch of known white comedy directors, you know, like Judd Apatow.

[1343] Harold Ramos, of the years, it's been tons of it.

[1344] Guys who produced white, white, white, yeah.

[1345] Todd Phillips?

[1346] One of those.

[1347] Yeah.

[1348] They're producing, like, white comedies.

[1349] Yeah.

[1350] Hilarious white comedies.

[1351] You don't hear about a lot of black guys that are doing that.

[1352] It's so true.

[1353] Yeah.

[1354] But are they white comedies?

[1355] Or are they just comedies?

[1356] Well, they're not, because Craig Robinson is on a lot of them.

[1357] Yeah.

[1358] Yeah, that's true.

[1359] It's true.

[1360] He was awesome, and this is the end.

[1361] He was really good in that.

[1362] Fuck, yeah, he was.

[1363] I like the part of Michael Sarah got stab by the thing, and he's like, somebody took my cell phone, and they started bringing his back pocket.

[1364] He's like, oh, it's really embarrassing.

[1365] That was a funny movie, man. When Kenny Powers came in, that's when it became the most awesome movie ever.

[1366] He's such a dickhead.

[1367] He started washing his feet with their fucking, whatever water they had remaining.

[1368] Small amount of water.

[1369] But, again, I mean, you should be able to make a show with whoever you want to make a show.

[1370] It doesn't make you a racist person.

[1371] And he's right.

[1372] It's irrelevant.

[1373] The terms you're talking about have nothing to do with that world.

[1374] That world, that's what he said.

[1375] It exists in funny.

[1376] That's it.

[1377] That's all that matters.

[1378] But the idea that you should have affirmative action in comedy, that you should, you know, and that's essentially what they're saying.

[1379] They're saying that you should have to have X amount of women.

[1380] You should have to have X amount of black people.

[1381] If you don't, they're saying, wait a minute, do you have just a lot of white friends?

[1382] But then the problem is then you're making female comedy worse.

[1383] You're making it.

[1384] worse for advancing people without merit they're making it overall worse well you can most certainly you know the other argument would be that he just doesn't hang out in those clicks so he doesn't know these funny women and it would benefit everybody if he got to know them and had them on I could see that argument maybe if there was like a pool of talent that you knew that was like really fucking crackling that you wanted to have on your show but at the end of the day it's who he wants to talk to like when people say to me like why did you have a big foot expert on Because I want to fucking talk to a bigfoot expert I don't, you know, why do you have a bow hunting expert on?

[1385] Because I want to talk to a bow hunting expert, okay?

[1386] I find it interesting.

[1387] You don't have to listen, you know, but if you want to, I will do my best to try to make it entertaining and I will try to ask the questions that I have.

[1388] I will try to explore as objectively and thoroughly as possible my perspective and my point of view.

[1389] So, I mean, somebody asked me the other day, like how many gay people we had on?

[1390] Well, I don't know, like three or four or something like though like maybe Melissa Etheridge Todd Glass Justin Martin Dale Who else?

[1391] We had some other ones Let's out somebody Yeah We had a few others Well whoever the fuck it was You know and Someone was like well why haven't you had more Whatever Who cares?

[1392] Like why do I have to Like now I don't want to How about that?

[1393] You know now you bring it up I'm annoyed You know But then it's also like Am I just not friends enough with black people or gay people?

[1394] Listen, man, anybody I find interesting I'll talk to.

[1395] I give zero fucks about what they look like.

[1396] I don't care.

[1397] I don't care if someone's black or white or fat or skinny.

[1398] If they're interesting, they're interesting.

[1399] I don't care.

[1400] I really don't.

[1401] I don't care what kind of music you like.

[1402] I don't give a fuck.

[1403] I'm not judgmental on that stuff.

[1404] I'll talk to anybody.

[1405] I'm sweatpants.

[1406] I'm sweatpants in it.

[1407] To death, son.

[1408] I'm into it.

[1409] I'm sweatpants in it.

[1410] I'm with a jacket, a nice track suit jacket and a fat fanny back with my higher primate logo have you seen the higher primate fanny pack are i don't think so sexy so sexy once you see it you'll understand my passion this garment eventually we'll all have purses but until then the higher primate fanny pack i do think the men got the shaft on the accessible uh pouches look that beautiful leather look at the front see that little higher primate logo it's a yeah it's a monkey with a uh a chimp rather with a light bulb of his head like, I got an idea.

[1411] First idea.

[1412] First idea.

[1413] That's the higher primate.

[1414] That's the first step.

[1415] A curious chimp.

[1416] We used to always look through the checks at the comedy store to see who got what.

[1417] We were always like, who's higher primate?

[1418] There's a few we didn't know.

[1419] That's not my company.

[1420] My company's, well, I can't tell you.

[1421] It shouldn't say it online.

[1422] Well, everybody, keep it together.

[1423] But the higher primate fanny back is just the beginning.

[1424] Nice.

[1425] From there, I'm going to launch a bunch of other gay shit.

[1426] Yeah, that pissing me off.

[1427] You see what Natasha did when she had that thing for New Year's Eve?

[1428] Yes.

[1429] People got mad at her.

[1430] Yeah.

[1431] And she made...

[1432] It's dumb.

[1433] There's no reason to get mad.

[1434] It's so dumb.

[1435] And she made the best apology you could ever make.

[1436] It was perfect.

[1437] She was like, fuck you.

[1438] I'm not sorry.

[1439] You misunderstood it.

[1440] They're old.

[1441] Their teeth fall out when they're old.

[1442] That's the joke.

[1443] Well, not only that.

[1444] She was like, you know, she was pretty clear that she was just joking around.

[1445] You know, it was pretty obvious that it was just her trying to find.

[1446] She's like real veterans are being mistreated as they come home now.

[1447] That's the issue you should worry about if you want to honor the veterans.

[1448] It's a joke and it's not that people were really upset is that people think that they have the license to be upset and that they can get you in trouble.

[1449] That's what I want to see is, yes, yes.

[1450] They're trying to get you in trouble.

[1451] They're not just trying to change things.

[1452] They're trying to get you in trouble.

[1453] So they can feel, yeah, they can contact the network.

[1454] So you should do something.

[1455] I was offended.

[1456] She said this.

[1457] You don't have anybody in your family that says something that dumb.

[1458] Occasionally they miss one.

[1459] You know, they go for a little old person joke.

[1460] I want vengeance and I deserve vengeance.

[1461] She should be fired.

[1462] But if an episode of a drama is not any good, you can't fire anybody.

[1463] Put her in the street.

[1464] What I want to see is if it's not such an innocuous joke, if it actually is a borderline like rape or murder or pedophile joke where it's not completely nothing and it's not a cute woman doing the non -apology.

[1465] Right.

[1466] I want to see how people get that.

[1467] Or people like Chris Rock are going to piss out again, like you did Tracy Morgan and just do a 180 and go from like, no, you can say whatever he wants to.

[1468] Well, all right, you go too far sometimes.

[1469] What happened?

[1470] Chris Rock, but Tracy Morgan had that thing with the gate.

[1471] He said he went too far?

[1472] Yeah, he just totally.

[1473] really flipped his view.

[1474] Well, there's certain things that you feel like, wow.

[1475] There's certain things that you feel like you can't fucking endorse.

[1476] Yeah.

[1477] You know, and that kind of gay bash thing, like saying that he would stab his son if his son was gay.

[1478] People are like, I can't endorse that.

[1479] I can't endorse that.

[1480] But if you know Tracy Morgan, if you watch the back, if he's doing that stuff forever.

[1481] That's what he does.

[1482] He says ridiculously outrageous shit that he doesn't really mean.

[1483] And now because it's popular, you're going to go against it?

[1484] But you can't, you can't like, you know what he's doing.

[1485] Everybody knows what he's doing.

[1486] It's like a joke to pretend that he's not saying something completely outrageous that he absolutely doesn't mean.

[1487] How old you are?

[1488] Yeah.

[1489] How old are you are?

[1490] Oh, you're 20.

[1491] You must pee fast.

[1492] How fast you'll pee?

[1493] My pee's slow.

[1494] Yeah, he rubs his belly.

[1495] Someone getting pregnant.

[1496] He'll slap his belly on that TV show.

[1497] Someone getting pregnant tonight.

[1498] Tell you right now.

[1499] Someone getting pregnant.

[1500] You know, that's his whole thing.

[1501] He's playing.

[1502] He couldn't read.

[1503] A real legitimate rumor that people were talking about.

[1504] Well, Charlie Barnett couldn't read.

[1505] That's how he couldn't get on the Saturday Night Live.

[1506] Really?

[1507] Yeah, Charlie Barnett.

[1508] Charlie Barnett was Dave Chappelle's teacher, a mentor or something, whatever?

[1509] Yeah, him and a lot of other guys.

[1510] When I was in New York, he was already not there anymore.

[1511] I don't know where he was.

[1512] He died of AIDS, I believe.

[1513] Oh.

[1514] But he was like a guy who, it was Dave Chappelle.

[1515] He sort of taught Dave Chappelle how to do.

[1516] those street side shows, I think.

[1517] I might be talking about school, but I have seen Dave Chappelle do a street side show.

[1518] Dave Chappelle did it in Montreal.

[1519] It was pretty hilarious.

[1520] Really?

[1521] And he was really young, too.

[1522] It was when I first met him in New York, and then I saw him again up in Montreal when he was like maybe like 19.

[1523] He was on the side of the highway?

[1524] Took his hat off, put his hat on the ground, and did a comedy show, and then passed his hat around.

[1525] Wow.

[1526] And people put money in it.

[1527] It was before he was famous.

[1528] And he would just do it at the drop of a hat.

[1529] just do you ever notice just to make money he was funny it was good I wonder what tricks he must have developed to get the crowd like he must have developed certain things in order to get them to gather around I think he would just call them around and you know he looks like a guy who'd be fun to listen to talk so people slow down you know some folks are in a hurry and some folks aren't and the ones that aren't they circle them and then he'll do like a little five minute comedy show and then pass a hat around I saw him do it in Montreal well apparently Charlie Barnett used to do that and he was like legendary at it.

[1530] He was awesome.

[1531] He was awesome at like being hilarious to a bunch of people like off the cuff.

[1532] He had material that he would do, but he would also be off the cuff funny.

[1533] And he would gather people around.

[1534] Then he would hand out of the hat, pass out the hat.

[1535] You know, and that's how he would make some money.

[1536] And he became famous like doing comedy, did a lot of stand -up.

[1537] People loved him on stage.

[1538] And then he got an audition for Saturday Night.

[1539] And apparently the word was that he got the part, but he couldn't read.

[1540] So since he couldn't read scripts, they couldn't hire him.

[1541] It's tough to work in that environment without being able to read.

[1542] Yeah, and apparently he had a problem with intravenous drugs.

[1543] He loved them.

[1544] Yeah, he found out about them.

[1545] Yeah.

[1546] That's the problem.

[1547] Yeah.

[1548] But he apparently was like, I keep saying apparently, apparently, apparently ran out of adjectives, no words.

[1549] He was like one of the pioneers of that style of comedy.

[1550] Really?

[1551] Yeah, like, natural talking.

[1552] Yeah, well, not just natural talking, but like knowing how to like captivate.

[1553] at a group and get everybody settle down and like put out a hat and like that's a that's like such a tough crowd that when you go onto a stage at a comedy club must be nothing yeah it's like you're running uphill all day whenever we saw those thirsty promenade people before we everyone had the thought of like could I do comedy here yeah could I do it yeah it's hard though I've never seen anybody do it besides Dave I've never seen anybody just do like street comedy it just seems weird it does I see them the goofy like the dancers a loop comedy in between when they're make a dance well i don't think dave would do it today i mean i i know he did do some shows in seattle when remember when he wasn't doing official shows anymore yeah yeah he did a show in seattle where he just showed up and brought like a speaker and started doing stand -up in the park yeah wow wow just put it down yeah his his career has been fucking fascinating yeah he's a fascinating guy you ever have him on the podcast i would definitely but i've never run into him i need to run into him i haven't run into him since i've been doing it He said he would do it.

[1554] I ran into him a couple of times.

[1555] Yeah, I got to get a hold of him.

[1556] He would be awesome to have on.

[1557] Yeah, I bet.

[1558] He's a good dude, man. He's a funny fucking guy, too.

[1559] He's a funny guy.

[1560] He's been funny for a long time.

[1561] Dude, when he came back from Africa, he did that show in the main room.

[1562] I don't know if that was after you stopped going there before.

[1563] I have that on tape.

[1564] Do you really?

[1565] In my car.

[1566] It was so packed and everybody was there.

[1567] Fucking Bruce Willis was there.

[1568] Soundgarden was there.

[1569] The fucking fire department show up and just asked that they could sit on the steps to block the fucking escape.

[1570] Wow.

[1571] That was the ticket.

[1572] Did you see Kiss the other night was at a House of Blues and there was like Arnold Schwarzenegger was there?

[1573] Stallone was there.

[1574] Paul Stanley is doing the podcast.

[1575] Oh, really?

[1576] Dog the Bounty, huh?

[1577] You got Eddie Brabara to come in too?

[1578] I don't know if Eddie can but I want to get Ace Freely too.

[1579] Oh, wow.

[1580] I met Ace Freely when I was like seven years old.

[1581] How?

[1582] My uncle was a, who's an artist and he worked for the advertising agency that created the album covers and the album art yeah uh was back when they had you know there were artwork i mean the album was it would open up like especially like two discs like kiss alive too would have two uh records in it and it would open up there's all this images and advertising you know guys would put together these albums they you know they made the artwork so they hired artists graphic artists to create these things and uh ace really came into the office and i was uh just staying i went to work with my uncle like he took me to work with him because I was an artist at the time too I was really into art and so he wanted to see me to see like what his office was like in case maybe I wanted to do it someday and I just so happened to be he took me in a couple times but I just so happened to be there the day that A's freely arrived was he wearing this makeup or no makeup that's why it was so crazy because at the time it was um like no one knew what they looked like they would walk around with bandanas over their face really yeah it was a big thing like photographers were constantly trying to catch them oh wow yeah they were trying to catch them out because if they caught them they would get the first photo of them oh yeah there was a few of like pals down like this where you'd see like this like the neighbor from tool time you'd say like this much of his face you wouldn't see his total face you'd just see like a little bit yeah so you saw him yeah so i saw him when i was like i think it was like seven or eight or something like that it was crazy i couldn't believe it i was like starstruck so i can't believe you should tell the rest you're fascinated and have them not believe you well my cousin had seen them a bunch my cousin iona um she was uh like with them they would go play softball together and like she would talk about she's like it's the weirdest thing i played softball with jean simmons and like you had no makeup on we were playing softball with kiss and no one knows it's kiss they have no makeup on you're like this is the nudiest thing ever and my uncle was like he's a really cool character very artistic character so his daughter was very cool as well she was really like she's really smart and she you know so like her describing it was very it was like she was not she was totally taking into account the bizarreness of it she's like some standing there and i'm playing softball with kiss and as i've got this glove on i'm looking around she's like what the what am i doing it's like softball with these guys and have makeup on this is this is the most famous I mean she was my age at the time we're both like you know like how massive do they get oh they were huge really yeah they were gigantic I saw them in the 90s kiss well I saw them in the 70s when I was a little kid my uncle took me to a show and that's when he was working for the company back then.

[1583] I was really young.

[1584] He took me to a kiss show.

[1585] That's weird.

[1586] I might have been like, I might have been like 10 or something like that.

[1587] Maybe 11.

[1588] At the most, I was 11.

[1589] But he took me to a kiss show then.

[1590] I went to a couple.

[1591] And then I went to two in a row with Kevin James.

[1592] Really?

[1593] Yeah, in the 90s.

[1594] Kiss when they made their comeback.

[1595] It was in the 90s or the early 2000.

[1596] I think it might have been 90s.

[1597] I don't think I was even on Fear Factor yet.

[1598] Wow.

[1599] And Kevin was out here.

[1600] Kevin had won star star.

[1601] search and, you know, we were just out here.

[1602] He won star search?

[1603] Yeah.

[1604] So did Bushman.

[1605] Yeah.

[1606] Kevin was a bad motherfucker.

[1607] Bushman beat Norm McDonald.

[1608] Kevin's one of the most underrated stand -ups ever.

[1609] Really?

[1610] Really?

[1611] Yes.

[1612] Listen to me. That dude, he could hit moments on stage.

[1613] He had some bits on stage that were fucking murderers.

[1614] But he always wanted to keep it, like, clean and family -friendly.

[1615] And he wanted to, like, you know, make it, like, sir, he didn't want to piss anybody off.

[1616] He didn't want people to not be able to go to his shows.

[1617] You know, he kept his.

[1618] act real clean especially once he had can't queens you know that he cleaned out of even more well he was just you know he would never do a bit that you would do or I would do never do it I remember his hour special guy was one of the first hour specials because he was too big for a half hour and it was just like let me tell you something I was with that dude when he was coming up before he got any of that shit that guy could kill me he was hilarious he was really funny he used to do this bit about getting pissed because Kevin is a sweet guy it's an awesome guy but if he gets pissed off he's got a fucking temper he doesn't do anything but he does get angry at shit he's not a violent guy but you could see him get fucking crazy about you so he had this bit about his girlfriend he was like hitting the unlock button on the door at the same time she was pulling the handle and they cancel each other out yeah he had this bit where they kept doing it again and it builds up and fucking hilarious bit man and he would go ape shit on stage and scream and yeah I don't even think he swore back down like he might swear he like a little bit like shit or something like that like every now and then but you know he was trying to do like a very specific type of comedy you know that's story about him at montreal or aspen with the susman and the deal he got when you're like come talk to my guy let him see what he can get you oh yeah yeah yeah that's an unfortunate story but i don't think we can repeat that because it's very bad for someone's business oh whatever yeah we can't repeat numbers either but yeah he got lucky and got a good manager.

[1619] My manager knew exactly what to do.

[1620] They were trying, he had an other older manager that wasn't giving him such great advice, and they were about to get him to make a terrible...

[1621] Take this thing.

[1622] Well, they'd said a lot of shitty things to him.

[1623] One of the things they said, no one would ever believe this if you never worked in Hollywood, but there was a guy that was working with him before that actually told him to not lose weight.

[1624] Really?

[1625] Because he'll go out of category?

[1626] Yep.

[1627] Wow.

[1628] The actual quote was, Kevin, when you lose weight, you're losing rolls.

[1629] Wow.

[1630] He actually said that to him.

[1631] When you lose weight when you get healthy no one's gonna like you when you get healthy it's not it's not possible for you to be this funny unless you're a fat fuck okay so stay a fat fuck so we can all make money Kevin when you lose weight you're losing rolls we're losing money Kevin so mean people don't want you in there die early but we can use you it's the worst thing ever because it gave him a green light to eat whatever the fuck you want Kevin when I first met him was like a pretty stout character you know and he was even thinner and more stout when he was like in high school And he was really in a karate for a while, did a lot of karate, like, was really in good shape.

[1632] And when he was in really good shape, he was like 200 pounds and rips, man. Yeah, just a tank.

[1633] Those old pictures of Joey Diaz, where you're like, who's that?

[1634] He's a tank, yeah.

[1635] But when a guy tells you shit like that, like you lose weight, you're losing rolls, you're like giving a guy a green light to just eat whatever the fuck you wants.

[1636] Yeah.

[1637] You know, that's rude.

[1638] They're just trying to make money.

[1639] They're just idiots.

[1640] People that want to tell you how you should be, you know, you shouldn't be healthy.

[1641] There's Kevin.

[1642] Oh, yeah.

[1643] I don't need an iron anymore.

[1644] That's pretty cool.

[1645] It is so hot down here.

[1646] I cannot take it anymore.

[1647] Although in my room I have air conditioning, which I love is great, because I grew up without air conditioning.

[1648] It was the worst.

[1649] My dad was too cheap.

[1650] He's like, I don't do his bits because he probably wouldn't like that.

[1651] This is a Star Search.

[1652] Oh, that was Star Search.

[1653] Two -minute comedy.

[1654] So weird.

[1655] Yeah, you probably would go, ah, you fucking do my bid.

[1656] Don't, don't, don't.

[1657] Please don't.

[1658] Please don't.

[1659] You know how comedians are.

[1660] Like, you take a chunk of there, Teriel and put it on.

[1661] Like, oh, I hate that bit.

[1662] Don't fucking do that bit.

[1663] But he would kill me, man. He was really funny.

[1664] He just, you know, decided to...

[1665] He got really into making the TV show.

[1666] He really enjoyed the process of making a sitcom.

[1667] He's good at that shit.

[1668] He's good at comedic acting, you know?

[1669] I just really wish he would really chase comedy more.

[1670] Staring up.

[1671] The guy was so funny, man. He used to kill me. When we were kids, we were, like, in our early 20s together.

[1672] We would do gigs together.

[1673] We did a lot of gigs together.

[1674] he was hilarious man he was a hilarious dude and he was like real honest about his insecurities and shit some of the people started with are actually still around yeah a lot of them are still around made it yeah a lot of them have made it really yeah like norton norton and i have been friends since fuck since we were both like 21 or something like that yeah you know we're both like 46 somebody in my open mic days yeah like how you're going yeah well greg fitzsimmons is my oldest friend ever Greg Fitzsimmons and I literally went on stage like within a week of each other Wow Yeah We were friends in the dark dark days Of open mic nights We were buddies back when we were You know Complete amateurs Neither one of us We were terrible We had nothing So to like be friends still To be friends now See him like I downloaded his The odds you make it past six months We're small Not so good for sure But I downloaded his New Comedy Special He just has a comedy special they just put out is that the one where he talks about how how easy americans have it yeah yeah oh it's fucking great um but i listened to it on uh on the way home from a gig and was laughing my ass off it was really fucking funny yeah it was really funny and it was so cool to be able to drive home and listen to you know a guy that i started with and he's slaying and even more cool for me for Greg because Greg for a while was a, Greg is a multiple time Emmy winning writer.

[1675] Oh yeah, he makes a lot of his money writing.

[1676] Well, he's like, you know, he's won Emmys.

[1677] He's a really good writer.

[1678] You know, he's got a good book as well, but he decided to take some time off of doing standup.

[1679] He didn't do standup for a long time.

[1680] It really didn't, I mean, maybe did it occasionally, but he really didn't dive into it like he's back doing now.

[1681] And then he, after he did it, if he dove back into it, then he put out the special.

[1682] And so it was it was like extra cool driving around listening to that special because I knew what he did I knew how he worked I knew I knew that he got back into comedy and I knew that he really loved it again you know it's like a lot of our friends we talk about that like Callan and I have the same conversation every week like he was just in some club like he did Cap City in Austin and we're on the phone you know we're just both in our cars just catching up and he goes he goes it's the greatest fucking job in the world it's the greatest fucking job.

[1683] I don't want to do anything else.

[1684] He goes, I do other things.

[1685] I don't want to do them.

[1686] He goes, what I want to do is I want to do comedy.

[1687] I want to tell jokes.

[1688] It's so fun.

[1689] And, you know, you watch him on stage.

[1690] I've had a chance to do some shows with him lately, too.

[1691] And you could see him just really enjoying us.

[1692] Having done all these movies and all these TV shows that he didn't really necessarily enjoy because he thought he was supposed to be an actor.

[1693] And then seeing him just murdering with his own silly goose style of comedy because he's so silly, you know, it's really fucking great to see man really great to see really funny funny shit too man like having knowing guys I've known Callan since 94 really so I've known Greg since 88 Greg's my longest running friend in comedy Christ but Callan and I have been best friends since like the moment we met you know I mean there's like a core group which I mean him in New York No I met him out here I did um Mad TV He was on Mad TV and I was the host of Mad TV He was on 7th Heaven for like a bunch of episodes Yes, yeah.

[1694] He did fucking seventh heaven.

[1695] And Oz.

[1696] Don't pull up videos of us on Matt TV.

[1697] I know what you're doing for.

[1698] We were children back then.

[1699] But we became friends, like, almost immediately.

[1700] That's cool.

[1701] We said, like, three or four sentences together, and we were playing out together.

[1702] Yeah, it's just a fun dude.

[1703] You know, I knew.

[1704] It's not, it's hard to make fun friends.

[1705] But it's cool when you run into them and you collect them.

[1706] You know, you're like, oh, I found a good one.

[1707] It's a good friend.

[1708] And then you see that guy prosper.

[1709] You see, you know, that guy.

[1710] growing and developing is like it's one of the most depressing things when you see a guy who used to do good like I don't want to say any names yeah guys that we know that had potential and then they fell off yeah and then they stopped doing comedy all together and you're like my god we came up together like that guy was just as good as me in 1998 like what the fuck yeah they stopped they stopped doing comedy and they you know he got a job like what a job what's doing what why did he oh my god yeah why didn't he follow up scares everybody else too like Is that a possibility?

[1711] Yeah.

[1712] One of the guys we know, can just stop?

[1713] People don't know.

[1714] They don't understand.

[1715] And that's why they get angry when I use the word civilian.

[1716] By the way, everyone who gets angry because I use the word civilian to describe non -comics, go fuck yourself.

[1717] For real.

[1718] For real, go fuck yourself.

[1719] You're a civilian.

[1720] Stop your whining.

[1721] Stop your demand for respect.

[1722] Stop all of it.

[1723] Stop what.

[1724] You know what we're talking about, you dummies.

[1725] We're talking about the difference between someone who understands the fucking hectic, chaotic, mental war you go on.

[1726] in your head when you're being a stand -up comic we're describing the mess of of this life that you all not understand if you don't do it just like if you're a stockbroker and i'm not and call me a civilian i'm not going to get offended i wouldn't get offended by the way if i was a fucking soldier either i wouldn't get offended you know what people are saying it's called a figure of speech don't be a cunt find some other shit to be annoyed at don't be a cut don't be a You see that video of a comedian in Tennessee That there was like a group In the front row that were like wrestlers and stuff like that Like these big guys They start heckling And then the guy gets on stage and racks them right in the balls Racks who Racks the comic Oh no Here's the video Oh I don't want to see this man The guy is huge too It's Baldville Cafe I don't even know where that is He hit him in the balls Yeah he gets on stage and then racks Raxon why did you get the word rax Oh he told them what it means Do you know the term I guess he already did it Yeah, next thing you're gonna do it Yeah That's nice thing you're gonna do It's kind of like shake my hand and be like He already did it, I guess Why is he still in the room You guys were so delightful compared to this train wreck over here Where did he start doing it, man?

[1727] Hi, this.

[1728] Not cute, upright Right.

[1729] But I may be role playing?

[1730] What does that even mean?

[1731] Phantom of the opera?

[1732] Do you think I'm Roll Plank and the Phantom of the Opera?

[1733] What a fucking pussy do you think I am?

[1734] Jesus, man. If I'm doing a roll play, it's Catholic schoolgirls every time, dude.

[1735] All right?

[1736] Okay, I don't think this is it, Brian.

[1737] Well, find it then.

[1738] That's not dealing with a heckler.

[1739] Yeah.

[1740] Why was he's his thing?

[1741] still in the room.

[1742] These clubs, like just, all right, they already attacked a comic.

[1743] Tell him to leave.

[1744] Tell him to settle his bill and leave.

[1745] The guy comes on stage and taps you in the balls.

[1746] It's over.

[1747] They're just a little too comfortable hitting each other.

[1748] You know, when you hit each other for a living, like wrestlers do, like slap each other in the face.

[1749] Yeah.

[1750] A regular person does not like that.

[1751] They don't want to deal with that shit at all.

[1752] They're like, ow.

[1753] People who don't respect professional wrestling, look, you might not enjoy it as a form of entertainment, but you better respect, like, how hard it is to do.

[1754] Hyper came to the story the other day.

[1755] Those guys fucking...

[1756] Yeah.

[1757] They sacrificed every part of their body.

[1758] They're all weathered.

[1759] They're all broken up, man. That is a crazy fucking way to try to make a living.

[1760] He's throwing chairs at each other and shit and jumping off the top rope and fucking doing flips and landing on your face.

[1761] Yeah.

[1762] That's some crazy shit, man. That is one of the most, like, destructive jobs in show business as far as, like, what it does to your body slamming on the ground oh my god do you remember the rock lesder one where he did the shooting star press you know that he did a flip but he missed the flip and landed on his fucking head oh no really yeah he was trying to do a flip and like pin a guy like he was going to get on the top row up and do a flip and pin a guy but he missed he just bam on his head landed right on his fucking head i had tate slint oh that guy just need him in the balls what are you going to do about it so i'm not backing down bro He wants to hit him back.

[1763] I know.

[1764] Okay, I don't want to watch this man. That's fucked up.

[1765] Yeah, you shouldn't have that guy on stage.

[1766] He definitely shouldn't have said, what are you going to do?

[1767] Like, what's up with that fake bravado of having that guy on stage and saying, what are you going to do?

[1768] And this fucking giant wrestler guy standing in front of me, right?

[1769] Taunting him.

[1770] He shouldn't be on stage, first of all, definitely for sure.

[1771] But, you know, the fucking show is basically over at that point.

[1772] Such a weird position now.

[1773] He's like, oh, what do you want me to walk away?

[1774] Well, yeah.

[1775] by a giant wrestler, too.

[1776] I mean, that guy was twice the size of that guy.

[1777] That shit's, I mean...

[1778] Why did he go back and sit down and nobody throws him out?

[1779] It's ridiculous.

[1780] You can't go on stage and need somebody in the balls and then they don't throw you out.

[1781] That's like bad...

[1782] Yeah, why can you get sued for that?

[1783] Why can't you be like, this random stranger's knee me in the balls?

[1784] That's not part of my job.

[1785] Yeah, you should be able to sue for that.

[1786] The club, for sure, you should be able to sue the guy.

[1787] Yeah.

[1788] You know, the guy for kneeing you in the balls.

[1789] Well, Tammy had that drink throwing out of her and she tried to press charges, and the sheriff was like, no, no, it's just comedy.

[1790] What?

[1791] She's like, he threw a drink at my head.

[1792] He threw a glass at my head.

[1793] I want to press charges.

[1794] That's assault.

[1795] They didn't bring him in?

[1796] Uh -uh.

[1797] That's insane.

[1798] Yeah.

[1799] You can't throw a glass at somebody.

[1800] If he hit her, that's a fucking weapon.

[1801] I know, but he's like, ah, she's part of comedy.

[1802] It's like, why?

[1803] Why is it part of comedy?

[1804] We don't agree to that?

[1805] What do you mean?

[1806] What a fucking lazy cop that is?

[1807] That's what that is.

[1808] That's a guy I didn't want to fill out some paperwork.

[1809] Yeah.

[1810] I wonder where that was with Tammy.

[1811] Because the actual assault didn't happen.

[1812] I don't know.

[1813] Maybe he's just like, all right.

[1814] or he's a local and she's not so like I'm not going to just arrest somebody with some traveling.

[1815] Local in L .A.?

[1816] No, it wasn't here.

[1817] It was on the road somewhere.

[1818] Oh, I was like, that doesn't make any sense.

[1819] Like, where did this take place?

[1820] It must have been some fucking hillbilly shack.

[1821] Yeah, I don't know exactly.

[1822] Texas or somewhere.

[1823] Nashville.

[1824] I don't know.

[1825] Just making shit up.

[1826] You just making shit up.

[1827] No, I don't know where it was.

[1828] Texas and Nashville and nowhere near each other.

[1829] It was somewhere.

[1830] Chicago, Canada, something.

[1831] Somewhere Redneck.

[1832] Fucking Florida.

[1833] I don't know.

[1834] Something.

[1835] Yeah, man. That's not cool.

[1836] But, you know, that's one of the problems with owning a club you're serving people one of the most ridiculous drinks one of the most ridiculous drugs when it comes to behavior like managing your behavior dark lights you just give people like this drug that makes them want to behave like a fucking asshole like a good percentage of people want to behave like an asshole on that on that drug and then you're selling that that's what you sell and you need them to be around and then you got some guy who's on stage talking mad shit about sucking dicks and shooting, calm into people, and people getting crazy.

[1837] They get crazy.

[1838] They're drunk, and someone's talking about sex and crazy talk.

[1839] Let's go!

[1840] Yeah, they get nutty.

[1841] And they just can't believe what they're hearing.

[1842] They want another drink.

[1843] Where's that fucking waitress?

[1844] I want to drink.

[1845] Yeah, they hear somebody talking loud.

[1846] Yeah, and there's a lot of that.

[1847] We shut the fuck up.

[1848] Like, sometimes you hear that.

[1849] Well, you guys need to shut the fuck up.

[1850] They hear that, like, in the audience, like people arguing with people.

[1851] Oh, yeah.

[1852] Somebody else tells them to be quiet because they can't hear.

[1853] Last time we were at, there was Duncan and I. We're at the Hollywood Improv in Florida.

[1854] Yeah.

[1855] And like some people almost duked it out.

[1856] In the audience.

[1857] Yeah, because one group was talking, the other group turned around.

[1858] They were like, you shut the fuck up?

[1859] Like a guy, like, jumped up and he was pointing to this big, fucking giant fat guy.

[1860] You shut the Rob Ford looking type character.

[1861] He was screaming at these people, and they were screaming back at him.

[1862] And it was like, wow, in the middle of the fucking show.

[1863] You guys are all disruptive.

[1864] Please stop that.

[1865] Yeah, he was getting super angry and loud because the guy behind him was loud like it was more about him than it was even about the show like he even though there's like 300 people there for this show yeah like i understand that this guy is being a dick but him his yelling made it way crazier for everybody else like he wasn't concerned about that like once the confrontation started it was out of his control doesn't matter sorry everybody but everybody else fuck you just like the fight superman got into this latest one just destroying a bunch of buildings got into a fight destroyed buildings yeah that's so stupid why Doesn't he fight in the desert?

[1866] If you're Superman, you grab guys, you bring them out in the desert, and you kick their ass out.

[1867] Let's do it here.

[1868] You don't kick people's ass in the middle of the city, you fucking dummy.

[1869] You could fly around the world in a second, and you choose to duke it out in the city.

[1870] You're an asshole.

[1871] Guilty.

[1872] Next case.

[1873] Send him to the son.

[1874] That's what I would say.

[1875] If I was a fucking judge and Superman came in and he told me he smashed these buildings apart, be like, what?

[1876] Why didn't you take him to the moon?

[1877] Duke it out up there, you fucking asshole.

[1878] Oh, yeah.

[1879] That's right.

[1880] Go wherever he wants.

[1881] He can do wherever he wants.

[1882] He can do anything.

[1883] Superman can fly to space.

[1884] He's fucking Superman.

[1885] Yeah, he can't.

[1886] He lives in a different kind of planet, man. I never likes Superman because of that reason.

[1887] I'm like, he seems indestructible.

[1888] Yeah, he's totally indestructible.

[1889] Unless you get that kryptonite.

[1890] I guess.

[1891] You know what kryptonite is, right?

[1892] Yeah, what?

[1893] Pussy, for sure.

[1894] Woman.

[1895] Yeah, that stands for me. That's what it is.

[1896] Look, it makes him weak.

[1897] Yeah.

[1898] Takes him out of character.

[1899] He can't make decisions for himself.

[1900] Yeah, that is what it is.

[1901] And eventually it sucks his power away and he dies.

[1902] Dude, there's times where you just know you're making the wrong decision.

[1903] With a woman or with kryptonite?

[1904] With a woman.

[1905] And you're just like, oh.

[1906] Yep.

[1907] Why am I doing it?

[1908] Even as you're doing it, you're like, why?

[1909] It's God, it's because the pull they have.

[1910] Yeah.

[1911] Well, you know what it is, man?

[1912] Your genes want to spread.

[1913] Yeah, you can't help it.

[1914] And women who have like beautiful bodies, like a woman's body is the most incredible magnet for a man. I sort of came a little bit.

[1915] I'll just wipe it off.

[1916] It'll be fine.

[1917] Let me just get my finger in and clean it out.

[1918] I would not have made that decision yesterday like this.

[1919] Did I shoot it in her?

[1920] What?

[1921] What?

[1922] No, I did not.

[1923] Shit.

[1924] I did it with a black girl finally.

[1925] Oh, bam.

[1926] Let me pee and then tell me. Okay.

[1927] Hold your story.

[1928] Talk to him about.

[1929] How?

[1930] I guess I want it.

[1931] So wait.

[1932] I don't know.

[1933] Just so you know, I invite my next storyteller shows in Los Angeles.

[1934] February 27th at the improv.

[1935] Me, Mark Maren, Ralphie Mae, Louis Katz, so far.

[1936] Sweet.

[1937] Yeah, $5.

[1938] It's a nice show.

[1939] I like that show.

[1940] I like the one that you had with Natasha, Bobby Lee, Stee, Renazizi, and you were all talking about the whole thing.

[1941] That was a fun one.

[1942] Yeah.

[1943] That was a fun one.

[1944] Do you like it?

[1945] Yeah, I loved it.

[1946] Yeah.

[1947] It's so funny how Bobby can't not be funny.

[1948] Yeah.

[1949] That was a really good one.

[1950] Look at this.

[1951] This is not happening.

[1952] Go do a YouTube search for that.

[1953] You'll find it.

[1954] But yeah, that was a good one.

[1955] Steve eventually just lost control.

[1956] So he just like, oh, whatever.

[1957] Keep going.

[1958] I like when Bobby lies.

[1959] And then when you say, no, you were wrong and somebody else says you're wrong, he'll go, okay, all right.

[1960] It was really cool because I've heard that story so many times, but never actually seen, like a Natasha around there.

[1961] Yeah, all of us.

[1962] And when she brought up the water thing, I could tell you were like, oh, oh, I did do that.

[1963] Like, I'm sorry about...

[1964] Maybe I asked about who was right and who was wrong.

[1965] It was like, it doesn't matter.

[1966] I'm just embarrassed about my behavior.

[1967] I don't care of who else's behavior.

[1968] Yeah, because you dumped a water glass on her head.

[1969] Yeah.

[1970] Heartbreak, man, it gets you.

[1971] San Jose Improv, March, middle of March, and, again, Chicago Zanis this weekend.

[1972] I love that place.

[1973] I was just there and go across the street to that...

[1974] Yeah, improv.

[1975] Go across the street to that gab place.

[1976] There's a museum right there, too.

[1977] Yeah.

[1978] San Jose Improves down the street from Joe's.

[1979] Joe's, yeah.

[1980] What's that called?

[1981] Original Joe's?

[1982] Original Joe's.

[1983] Yeah, that was good later.

[1984] Oh, they have like a real wood grill for stakes there.

[1985] Oh.

[1986] Yeah, they have like real wood coals.

[1987] They put lump charcoal underneath the steak.

[1988] It's a charcoal broiler.

[1989] Really?

[1990] Yeah, yeah.

[1991] Dude.

[1992] You could watch them.

[1993] If you get a seat by the bar.

[1994] We went there once with two fighters.

[1995] We've been there a bunch of times, right?

[1996] John Fitch.

[1997] And Mike Swick.

[1998] Yeah.

[1999] That was a Mike Squick was telling us about how we used to.

[2000] to work for the United States government.

[2001] He was working in Russia and their buildings were bugged.

[2002] The Russians bugged the buildings with incredibly sophisticated equipment.

[2003] And he was like they were so far ahead of what we were capable of.

[2004] He said they had bugs that were operating on the power generated by the movement of the building in the breeze.

[2005] Wow.

[2006] What?

[2007] They figured out a way to generate enough power to keep the microphones going and transfer Transmitting.

[2008] Transmitting.

[2009] Like, producing energy.

[2010] And they got it from the movement of the fucking swaying of the building.

[2011] He was like, they were so far ahead of us.

[2012] Why were they bugging his room?

[2013] They were bugging whatever building he was working at, government building he was working at.

[2014] What people don't realize is, the Soviet Union, like, during the Cold War, like during the advancement of their rocket program along with our rocket program, they got the first fucking guy in orbit, man. Oh, right.

[2015] I mean, they were incredibly advanced.

[2016] And you think that's one of the reasons we made up the moon landing?

[2017] Well, I don't think we made up the moon landing.

[2018] You don't?

[2019] I've changed my position.

[2020] What?

[2021] What?

[2022] Yeah, this is what I think.

[2023] I think...

[2024] Give it my hours back.

[2025] Oh, how dare you?

[2026] You have to figure it out.

[2027] You have to figure it out.

[2028] You can't figure it out initially.

[2029] If I think, if you watch that Fox show, watch the Fox show on the moon landings, it's very compelling.

[2030] It's very compelling.

[2031] It's a really interesting...

[2032] Say how it is real?

[2033] Well, saying it's not real.

[2034] Oh.

[2035] But the eyes.

[2036] of that being true, it's so small.

[2037] It's like, I don't know what happened, but if I had a guess what happened, I would say they went to the moon, and I would say when you look at some of the photos that look like they're staged and the fact that all of them were centered, they very well could have been some counterfeit photos.

[2038] They definitely did a little bit of that back then in NASA.

[2039] There was a photo from Gemini, I believe it was Gemini 15.

[2040] It was Michael Collins, and they took a photo of him in training with these wires and his harness on and then they blacked out all the wires in the background and then used the same photo and said that he was in space really that it was doing a spacewalk like who's taking his picture during a spacewalk nobody it wasn't a real photo there was nobody out there with a fucking camera walking with him photos so we didn't know that yet it's a fake photo just they didn't think that people were going to think that many steps ahead so I think there it's very possible that they might have faked some things like some photographs might have been on a soundstage or publicity and stuff.

[2041] Yeah, for publicity and to make sure that they got a record of it.

[2042] Like John Kerry showed those pictures of Syria of all the dead bodies and it was from like five years ago.

[2043] Dude, my favorite quote, though, was Clinton's quote about it.

[2044] Clinton talked about when he was a kid.

[2045] He was working for a carpenter and, you know, the guy said that he didn't believe anything on television that those television fellers can put things on TV and make you think it's real.

[2046] Yeah.

[2047] And he said, back then I thought that guy was a quack or a crank but during my eight years in the White House, I saw things that maybe think that maybe he was ahead of his time.

[2048] Wow.

[2049] That's a Clinton quote on the moon landing.

[2050] Do you think they tell each president, like, here's what, let's catch you up on the...

[2051] Yeah, Moonland is fake.

[2052] Or do you think they don't even tell them?

[2053] Why would they want to tell them?

[2054] Well, if it really was fake, which again, I don't necessarily think it was.

[2055] I think it's more likely that there's some fuckery involved in some of the evidence because, you know, they were trying to create things that were used for publicity and there's some video that looks really fucking hokey.

[2056] There's like there's this video of them jumping around like they're on trampolines when they're on the moon.

[2057] It's really weird.

[2058] It's really weird stuff because there's no consistency in like the way they move.

[2059] Like if you watch the earliest video from Apollo 11 when they're walking on the moon, you watch their movement and then watch the later stuff.

[2060] It's like they move a little differently.

[2061] Like they can do weird shit like they can jump and fly through the air later in the you know in the in the videos like they got better at whatever they were doing how you get better at walking in the space well it's just weird so I think that it might very well be that some of the footage that you look at it's possible and I'm not suggesting that we didn't go to the moon I know I haven't passed but what I'm suggesting is some of the footage might be fake it's possible they used to do that kind of stuff back then I know we don't like to think that but they did a lot of stuff like that they still do it now they still do it now they still fake things now it's good boards of Martin Luther King with white women.

[2062] Oh, sure.

[2063] With billboards in the south.

[2064] Of course they did.

[2065] Meanwhile, Martin Luther King fucked a lot of white women.

[2066] How about that?

[2067] How about he loved it?

[2068] Who wouldn't?

[2069] You're Martin Luther King.

[2070] Yeah, I bet he did.

[2071] He probably knew he's going to die.

[2072] Just get on a rampage.

[2073] Get that white pussy.

[2074] Was this black girl like 5 p .m. or 2 .30 a .m. What does that mean?

[2075] The color.

[2076] Oh.

[2077] Like 5 p .m. This is a starter black.

[2078] Oh, okay.

[2079] This is definitely shit.

[2080] Okay, she wasn't.

[2081] I mean, for me to go in full bore.

[2082] That's kind of crazy.

[2083] Right.

[2084] She was not from this country.

[2085] She was from, like, England or, like, the, or the, or the, San Diego's accent?

[2086] Jamaica -ish, yeah.

[2087] And, like, raised there, yeah.

[2088] Real white, real, not hip -hoppy at all.

[2089] Hip -hoppy.

[2090] Yeah.

[2091] It was a very starter, like, just get in there.

[2092] Was she half -black?

[2093] No, I mean, you know, they're all black.

[2094] Did you notice it?

[2095] What the fuck are you?

[2096] Don't say it like that, man. The vaginas seem any different to you?

[2097] Any colors, any shapes?

[2098] Surprisingly similar to white pussy.

[2099] It was pretty.

[2100] shocking actually how similarly shaped and feeling it was what's the same their human baby yeah how dare but then it got weird when she she snored and it was like oh no no no no no no no such a manly way to sleep watching your dick go into that pink hole though with the contrast with the black is such a cool sight though it really is like if you have a darker one when you because they are like just bright pink inside like pink starboard if you have a darker one This is not what women want to hear.

[2101] This is not the kind of things that women want to hear.

[2102] It's like a black and steak with the medium round side, yeah.

[2103] Yeah, exactly.

[2104] The inside pink.

[2105] So good for you.

[2106] Thanks.

[2107] Adding diversity to your sexual life.

[2108] Broadening my horizons.

[2109] I think a lot of people would salute you for that.

[2110] Yeah.

[2111] I'm also dating chicks a little bit, too.

[2112] Yeah?

[2113] Yeah, that's weird.

[2114] It's hard, right?

[2115] Yeah, to go on, like, full dates and, like, I was just try to explore you as a person.

[2116] instead of like...

[2117] Do you get bored?

[2118] Try to get laid.

[2119] It just seems like, fuck.

[2120] What are you doing?

[2121] The conversations you're having?

[2122] Yeah, in my head.

[2123] I'm like, come on, let's just go back and fuck.

[2124] Wow.

[2125] Before you have...

[2126] No, I don't say that out loud.

[2127] That's what I think.

[2128] But that's what you think.

[2129] You don't really want to talk to them.

[2130] You just want to fuck them.

[2131] Yeah, so I want to get to the point where I'm like, no, let's enjoy a new human and fucking enjoy them for a minute.

[2132] So you're trying to mature.

[2133] You're trying to find women that you actually like as people and not just as sexual partners.

[2134] Yeah.

[2135] But if you get some just.

[2136] purely sexual partners, then you can do that.

[2137] Then you can afford to explore with a woman.

[2138] That's true.

[2139] Once your needs are met, which are many, the biological needs.

[2140] Yeah, that's a weird thing where you're supposed to not be able to say that.

[2141] But a woman is allowed to say that.

[2142] If a woman says that, you know, hey, you know, I take these men and I let him know, look, we're just here, I'm here to fuck.

[2143] Okay, I'm busy.

[2144] I've got a career.

[2145] You can fuck me, and then when you're done, you've got to go home.

[2146] You know?

[2147] A man's not going to argue with that.

[2148] The guy would be like, okay.

[2149] But if a guy says that, it's like, you fucking asshole, you creep?

[2150] Yeah.

[2151] Could you imagine if there was a hot woman who, like, you know, ran a business or something like that, and whatever, she makes fucking sculpture?

[2152] She's at her time, but she needs to get laid.

[2153] So she says, you listen, Ari, here's the deal, okay?

[2154] I like you.

[2155] I think you're hot.

[2156] I want to fuck.

[2157] But I don't want you being my boyfriend.

[2158] I don't want you hanging around.

[2159] You can't sleep over.

[2160] And don't ever fucking tell me what to do.

[2161] Okay?

[2162] But if you want no strings attached, you come over and fuck me. I'll suck your dick and we'll have a good time.

[2163] And then we're done.

[2164] You leave.

[2165] you'd be like I'll get okay I'll do it for you okay you'd be like yes I found her I knew she was out there I knew she was out there I knew she was out there you know it's um I was having this discussion with one of my wife's friends who happened to be gay and they were talking about the difference between two gay guys like hooking up gay guys meeting and hooking up and a guy and a girl meeting and hooking up the guy and a girl trying to figure out how much a yin are we going to have this how much yan yeah they're all fighting for position who's gonna who's gonna who's gonna be in control here setting it up is a girl is a girl gonna tell you what to do and answer your phone for you or is you know she gonna leave you alone let you be you gonna leave her alone you're gonna let her wear whatever she wants and not get fucking weird with her you know what's gonna happen here are you gonna say we you're really gonna go out with that skirt you're really gonna go out that skirt for real you're setting up it's down to my knees it's not your fucking knees it's not to your knees okay I see your legs God Do you really need that much attention?

[2166] You know, there's that, there's that, there's that dude.

[2167] And then there's people that like, oh, you look hot, baby, have fun, have a good time.

[2168] You know, who are you going to be going to be happiest with?

[2169] What are you going to be happy as well?

[2170] Yeah, it's also finding someone who's, like, brings out the best in you.

[2171] Oh, yeah.

[2172] Like, sometimes you could have relationships that bring out the worst in you.

[2173] You're, like, hate who you are.

[2174] Fighting.

[2175] Oh, it's so gross.

[2176] Leaning forward.

[2177] Leaning forward.

[2178] Oh.

[2179] It's so not necessary.

[2180] for any of us to do it's just not you know any of us that are involved in altercations like so much of it is it's it's both people's responsibility you know there's a dance going on when two people are communicating with each other and a lot of times we're shitty dance partners yeah sometimes i feel like telling people like look it doesn't it's nobody's fault but you guys are never going to work because you just entered into this too much you're just too fighting it's also some people like it man that's a that's a source of drama in their life they don't even realize it it's completely subconscious but they like to duke it out they like it it.

[2181] I don't like it.

[2182] I fucking hate it.

[2183] I don't like it with anybody.

[2184] I don't like it with friends.

[2185] I don't like it with everyone in business.

[2186] I don't like it with other comics.

[2187] I don't like it.

[2188] It's not fun.

[2189] I would way rather be friendly with everybody.

[2190] Yeah.

[2191] Well, it's way easier that way.

[2192] It is way easier.

[2193] It makes everybody feel nicer.

[2194] But there's moments, man. Well, you'll run into people.

[2195] You're like, God damn it.

[2196] I got to fucking like defend my position here.

[2197] I got to like stay afloat here.

[2198] Like I got to go, dude, shut the fuck up and leave me alone.

[2199] Like, there's a moment where you have to, like, say something or be, like, assertive with someone.

[2200] Just get them to fucking leave you alone.

[2201] It can, there's people that just don't get it.

[2202] They would just fuck with you till the end of time.

[2203] They're just so goofy and clunky.

[2204] They just don't get it.

[2205] I had an argument once at a party.

[2206] This guy was trying to tell me that the U .N. rapes children in Africa.

[2207] Rapes them?

[2208] Yeah, he was telling me that they rapes them for apples.

[2209] That's what he was saying.

[2210] What?

[2211] It was the dumbest conversation.

[2212] Wait, he rapes them.

[2213] So other people give them apples?

[2214] for like job well done?

[2215] They're giving them apples to fuck them.

[2216] He was saying it was like they raped them for apples.

[2217] He was saying it was rape.

[2218] The guy was just such a douchebag.

[2219] He was a country music guy who wound up getting arrested for cocaine dealing.

[2220] He's like a singer and it's really terrible country music band that my friend knew.

[2221] Yeah, and he was like this super pro -rah -rah American guy, but in the most idiotic way possible.

[2222] And, you know, they were talking about, you know, like the United States, what they're doing over in Afghanistan and this and that and he was just going on about the UN raping people for apples and I was like what the fuck are you talking about like what do you first of all if you give someone an apple it's prostitution it's not rape yeah give them an apple and you fuck yeah it's unfortunate but it's not best best prices in the world rape you with an apple unless you're fucking someone with an apple you're not really raping them for apples unless it's a MacBook pro that's pretty good deal yeah if you can get a MacBook pro and only have to do it's just fuck one guy that seems like really good plus one techie Yeah.

[2223] I mean, whatever it was.

[2224] It wasn't just that.

[2225] It was just the way this guy was just so aggressive with me. It was just like, it's such a point.

[2226] And he put his hands on me, like on my shoulder and said, oh, it's okay.

[2227] Like, look at me in the eyes saying, it's okay.

[2228] I understand.

[2229] You just hate America.

[2230] I understand.

[2231] Oh, so dismissive.

[2232] When people get dismissive, it's like, fuck you.

[2233] I was like, dude, get your fucking hands off me. And that's when it turned ugly.

[2234] I was like, you got to get your fucking hands off me. Don't touch me, dude.

[2235] Don't touch me and talk crazy.

[2236] So you hate America.

[2237] Well, look, because.

[2238] He had escalated it to not just that I hate America, but that he was going to, like, do some weird alpha shit to me. And, like, hold on to me, you know?

[2239] It was really gross.

[2240] That does push it up a level when somebody touches you or, like, pats you in the head.

[2241] It was a long time ago, by the way.

[2242] It was a long time ago.

[2243] Who knows if I would have ever even entered into that conversation today?

[2244] I don't think I would.

[2245] I think today I'm much more skillfully art of evading nonsense.

[2246] I would have known what it was.

[2247] Possible upside?

[2248] None.

[2249] I would have known.

[2250] But back then, I would be like, fuck this.

[2251] guy he fucking touched me you know it was like i was ready to kill him i was just it was the most ridiculous guy ever like those people in your show you run into them man oh some of the uh sci -fi people no the people yelling um shut the fuck up it's like it's on now it's like you didn't have to say that oh oh the people of the comedy show yeah yeah well you know the only way to know that you shouldn't go too far is to see the results of going too far either by yourself or other people when he gets in those arguments like yeah you could have just walked away and you oh gregg's ready to fight everybody He's ready to fistfight people He's very competitive too When I did Doug Love's movies In San Diego It was me and Greg Fitzsimmons And he took it as a game And he thought I wasn't taking it serious enough He could tell immediately Like no man we're in a game right I was like holy shit Yeah he plays a good pool They kicked me out of my apartment Because I let him stay in my apartment In Australia They're like no no sublets It's not a subletters It's just a friend of mine He's a place to stay so I'm just letting him stay there He's like no it's not allowed I'm going to keep doing that Because my friend I can do that And she left me a note If I can get out How that's ridiculous Yeah How can they do that?

[2252] It wasn't an official eviction It was just like We suggest you leave Why?

[2253] Because I don't know I think she had a really good hard on for people Subletting or something I don't get it People are weird With their confrontations I mean some of them are necessary But there's guys like Eddie Ifth It was a perfect example That motherfucker Every time you talk to me He's got some new He's got a new fight with somebody So we're out in the parking lot And I'm like Fuck you and fuck you And fuck you You guys want to go Let's go right now I'm like, what are you talking about?

[2254] Why did it get to there?

[2255] You're fighting at a parking lot in the middle of the night and everyone's drunk?

[2256] He hangs out with people that all are like that also.

[2257] Really?

[2258] Like, there's also this Chris Wild guy.

[2259] I don't know if you know him or not.

[2260] He's, like, fighting with Tony Hinchcliff right now on his show.

[2261] Like, they're battling out.

[2262] What do you mean by battling?

[2263] Like, Eddie has a show talking shit or whatever it's called now.

[2264] And there's a guy that's always on the show called Eddie If.

[2265] You know, Eddie If.

[2266] I mean, not Eddie If, but Chris Wild.

[2267] Yeah.

[2268] And Tony was on the show also with this guy.

[2269] I didn't know him, you know, just like I was a friend of his.

[2270] And then I guess what happened is, like, the Wild guy was, like, kind of mad that Tony didn't know who he was or kind of, like, upset or something.

[2271] And then they kind of went back and forth on the show.

[2272] But now, like, I guess he's just, Chris Wilde won't let it drop and has been, like, tweeting things to Tony and stuff.

[2273] And it's just, I don't know if you know Chris Wilder or not.

[2274] No, I don't know him, but who cares?

[2275] You just have a TV show.

[2276] I don't know what the fuck happened.

[2277] I can't really comment.

[2278] I don't know what the specifics of it were.

[2279] But I'm on team Tony Hinchcliff always.

[2280] All day.

[2281] Who's that chick over there?

[2282] That's Rosa Parks, son.

[2283] That's Rosa Parks?

[2284] Yeah.

[2285] Yeah.

[2286] A Yamika.

[2287] Um, I don't think that's a Yamika.

[2288] She's so light skin.

[2289] She's more light skin than Jimmy Hendricks.

[2290] It's like that as light as you fucked you fucked?

[2291] It's hard to tell in that photo.

[2292] No, I went a little darker than that.

[2293] Black and white photo.

[2294] So is the Hendricks photo.

[2295] It's a black and white photo.

[2296] That's Toronto.

[2297] You got busted for heroin, son.

[2298] Had heroin.

[2299] I went to visit his, his childhood home in Vancouver.

[2300] They had a small shrine to him.

[2301] Really?

[2302] Yeah.

[2303] Wow.

[2304] for awesome big jayokison went there one year imagine that dude died at 27 28 28 was he 27 27 years old he's got a shrine yeah where's your shrine bitch I don't have a shrine how can I get no shrine in D .C. It's a good question it's a good question that should be your goal a lot of people want like HBO specials should have a fucking shrine I want a shrine and Ari Shafir's shrine Ari the Great was born here Shride Ori the Great is born here like Babe Ruth's house escaped from the mediocrity of his mother's pussy right here just make my own shrine NYU Manhattan Hospital whatever it was like if you ever read someone's bio on their website you know they wrote it themselves and makes you want to fucking throw up my friend Avi Lerner lives in a part of like near Washington D .C where people have historic houses things and he just made one up a historic house yeah it was like a stop on the underground railroad or like something like that you just made it up did he apply for it like it made it a real I don't know exactly how he did it if he like went to the city I'm like this happened here so if he could get a plaque or if he just bought a plaque and stuck it there oh okay probably mostly bought a prack right it would be really hard to like pass that through the city to tell them like yeah they'd be like wait a minute unless you were like super yeah it was like some writer stayed here when he was visiting well there's probably a bunch of places that do kind of qualify for that like for instance like um Stephen king has a house in Maine in Bangor Maine yeah and like that house should be a historical house in my opinion there and setting it there not just that like that was his house for so long and it's like he's got these wrought iron gates that have these bats on them and shit really dope -ass house and it's in the middle of this town of bangor main and everybody knew about it and he's such a legendary writer that that house to me is like that's like an iconic house you'd put like a historic yeah make it a fucking museum for Stephen king fans can come in and see this is the desk that he actually wrote you know some of his novels at I love those little museums across the country dope dude I'll tell you man If they did that, they would pay for that house a dozen times over.

[2305] Just let people go and see, fuck, yeah, I would, I would pay.

[2306] If I was in Boston and I knew it could fly up and just check out the desk where Stephen King wrote The Shining.

[2307] Oh, fuck yeah, I would look at that thing.

[2308] Oh, I would just want to be in the room.

[2309] This is where he wrote Kujo and he didn't remember it.

[2310] So kid, Ed.

[2311] Yeah, this is where, you know.

[2312] What do you mean you to remember?

[2313] He did so much coke and drank so much booze.

[2314] He didn't even remember writing it.

[2315] Stephen King didn't remember, did Coke?

[2316] Oh, my God, did he do Coke?

[2317] Wow.

[2318] Stephen King was a maniac.

[2319] Wow.

[2320] He just jumped up so many cool points.

[2321] He would smoke cigarettes, do massive amounts of coke and drink beer.

[2322] And he would drink like 16, 17 beers a night and just right until he blacked out and then fall asleep and then get up in the morning and coke it up and just do it again.

[2323] Yeah, he was a maniac.

[2324] Wow.

[2325] He wrote Cujo, a frothing at the mouth dog.

[2326] He doesn't remember any of it.

[2327] Oh, it was all him.

[2328] He was Coojo.

[2329] Who knows?

[2330] I mean, I'm sure there were some analogies in there somewhere between a lot of his demons and the actual demons he was experiencing by being a, an addict but he was getting addicted to i heard his on writing or whatever the book is it's great it's like it's amazing it's great yeah i've got two copies of it in kids really one oh wow yeah it's really good it's it's he's he's a he's a master to me you know and uh a master uh of a specific type of oh that genre was him yeah well it's a specific type of entertainment that i really enjoy like complete fantasy yeah vampires and demons and spaceships with aliens and i love that shit i love that shit i love it short stories yeah i i love all this stuff i'm a huge huge stephen king fan to me he's like he made the world a cooler place yeah he made uh yeah he made the world a place with the movie carry you know with the book carry with christine that movie about the haunted car that was a fucking great movie man he wrote that book too which is even better than the movie yeah christine was a lot of them were oh he was just the the books are too long there's too much detail too much you would like to have seen it all in the movie but it's impossible the got to be two hours They've got a lot of shitty actors for a lot of those movies though Like Salem's Lot Yeah I got a lot of like Let's just do this for 40 grand Yeah well those is I think Salem's Lot was for television I think that was a made for television Was it?

[2331] That was a bad one Was it Salem's lot made for television I think it was Yes Um Then there was The Silver Bullet movie The silly werewolf movie With uh Corey Haim remember Oh yeah But then he also wrote Fucking Stand By Me Yeah Which is so out of his genre Yeah Yeah.

[2332] No, he could write anything, man. Yeah.

[2333] He could write anything.

[2334] He's a bad motherfucker, dude.

[2335] And then he followed those, those minor, not minor league, Cubs scout baseball players, what are they called?

[2336] It's little leagues.

[2337] He followed one and I started writing articles with him, and they went all the way to the Little League World Series while he was following them writing about him.

[2338] Oh, I didn't know about this.

[2339] From, like, the Bangor main team went to, like, the Nationals or something.

[2340] Oh, and he was, like, writing their local paper about them?

[2341] Yeah, just following them along that season.

[2342] That's so crazy.

[2343] Yeah.

[2344] Well, it must be awesome for those guys.

[2345] he can do whatever he wants he could do whatever he wants man he didn't have to apologize to anything to anybody yeah he's an interesting cat stephen king for sure and he's really like giving in the way communicates like his ideas you should have him on your podcast i would love to i would love to he's interesting in the way he like communicates uh you know how he goes through his process he's super honest about it and he's one of the rare guys that doesn't have like a set up like story in his head he like has these characters and he has this idea that he starts with and they just goes he just starts writing he just starts writing almost like goes into this crazy trance and and constructs this world and then you get sucked into it and then you read it after he's done with it and you're like holy shit you know he just brings it out of nowhere it's not like like we had scott sigler on the podcast who's a really cool guy and a very very good writer as well but he has a totally different approach scott sigler's approach is he knows exactly where he's going he knows where it's going to end he knows where this is going to happen and get changed up he knows this and then he has to just sort of fill it in and figure it out and flesh it out yeah and you know make it to his liking but he he's very systematic about it and we were talking about Stephen king's approach that he just just lets it go and like ah you know I just don't do it that way I couldn't do it that way but for him obviously it worked but for Sigler's a great writer too I mean his way works too there's no writer work or wrong way to do it yeah do you write like that do you like say I want to write a joke about driving a car no I'll toss things over my head I'll write a noted in my notebook and then like when I look to see what jokes I should do on stage tonight or whatever I'll keep passing that note I'll keep thinking about it and then when I'm driving or when I'm on the subway I'll keep thinking it over and then I'll just like do it on stage so you don't actually sit in front of the computer how come you know do you try that I've never I've tried it I've done it before but it's never really stuck I just kind of think things out in my head I just let my mind wander I think I should I think you should write blogs I think you would you would have some fucking hilarious blogs dude and it gives you the thing about writing blogs is it gives you like an opportunity to spend a lot of time thinking about a subject.

[2346] Because in the time that it takes you to write it and type it out...

[2347] You know, think a lot more.

[2348] You're thinking a lot more.

[2349] Yeah.

[2350] And you're thinking a lot more in the containment of a particular subject.

[2351] So like if you're talking...

[2352] It's forcing to actually do the thinking.

[2353] Yes.

[2354] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[2355] It's forcing you to focus on one particular subject, too.

[2356] And sometimes just that extra focus is all you need to get that extra path that you take off that bit.

[2357] Like, you know, sometimes you find a bit, like, I don't know if it's this way for you, but for me it is, at least.

[2358] I'll have an initial direction and then along the way, I realize that's not the right direction.

[2359] The right direction is one of the other taglines, and then I'll go towards that.

[2360] I think it just dies.

[2361] Yeah, totally turns it on its head.

[2362] Yeah, totally turns it on its head.

[2363] I find that those take place more when I sit down and write things.

[2364] Oh, really?

[2365] Really right things.

[2366] Yeah, because I give myself more paths.

[2367] Like, say if you're talking about lava lamps, whatever.

[2368] You're going on a lava lamp path.

[2369] While you're on that path, you're writing it out, instead of just thinking about it in your head when you're forced to actually mash those keys and form a sentence in the correct way like you're going to read it to somebody you know oh that shrivener yeah yeah that's pretty dope what's that it's a writing software program you can't see it it can't see it it's a cork board with index cards on it but a virtual cork board and you can put your notes on those virtual cork boards oh that's good every note sucks there's something yeah every well I like every note because they lose stuff they don't lose stuff for me. They lose stuff.

[2370] They lose stuff.

[2371] Really?

[2372] I don't know.

[2373] It's been written about it.

[2374] It's been written about it's been written about online?

[2375] Yeah.

[2376] Oh, that's not good.

[2377] Yeah.

[2378] Yeah.

[2379] I think more people would benefit from blogs.

[2380] That's why I've written some of my best stuff.

[2381] So I'm going to start going back into blogs.

[2382] I'm going to commit to one blog a week.

[2383] Really?

[2384] Yeah.

[2385] And then what?

[2386] You won't mind doing material out of your blogs?

[2387] Nope.

[2388] I don't mind doing that because it becomes an idea.

[2389] Like, it's an idea in the blog, and then it becomes a bit.

[2390] A full thing.

[2391] Well, it's either that or you don't get the blogs.

[2392] You know, it's like, I think people like to read things, and I think that some of them are never going to go to see my stand -up.

[2393] Super fans will get to see the germinations of these ideas.

[2394] And if you don't like it, that's okay.

[2395] I get it.

[2396] I mean, I've heard people complain about subjects that we talk about on the podcast and eventually that's what's on your mind.

[2397] The problem is that's what's on your mind.

[2398] So I'm going to do it on stage what's on my mind.

[2399] It's also the problem that some people are just annoying cunts that, like, complain about shit and they get to talk too everybody gets to talk you know it's one of the the beautiful things about the internet and one of the annoying things about the internet is it even people that are not thoughtful that are all fucked up and really you know hypercritical and annoying and not rational about it they get to talk to yeah there's a guy who it was a he was a video game guy that uh just quit social media quit his uh twitter no it wasn't cliffy b it was another guy he He's, like, famous for making YouTube videos.

[2400] And there was this thing that they were going over his career and his, like, constant battling with people on these social network sites.

[2401] And when people would say mean things about him, he couldn't help it.

[2402] He had to respond.

[2403] He would get involved in these crazy fights.

[2404] And then he started having his employees handle his trigger for him, and that relieved him of his little bit of his anxiety.

[2405] Then he got to a point where he's like, I can't fucking do it anymore.

[2406] Like, I'm going crazy.

[2407] You have, like, real health problems from the stress of this, you know?

[2408] um when you start like looking for that shit and reading that shit and getting into that shit it can fuck with your head man oh yeah if you if you do something that people don't like and they all start attacking you for it attacking you as a human being and trying to like hurt your feelings it's not just one there's like 20 of them in a day what was that about though what is what is those people doing that no no why did you say that oh because this guy did that he quit he quit his all his social media to get away from it yeah he just couldn't take it anymore.

[2409] He makes his living off his YouTube channel.

[2410] He's not like this huge YouTube channel.

[2411] Like people like millions and millions of subscribers and he's got a huge, you know, huge Twitter following hundreds of thousands of Twitter people deleted it all.

[2412] Yeah.

[2413] Because he just couldn't take it anymore.

[2414] It's his life.

[2415] I know.

[2416] It is his life.

[2417] But it's interesting like that battle you know with the criticism and negative people online.

[2418] I released that, I released that, I was worried but I released my album online with commentary.

[2419] I put it on my podcast.

[2420] Why were you worried?

[2421] Well, because I was worried that someone would say the only worry was like someone was going to say like, oh, this is just lazy because he didn't want to do another podcast episode this week.

[2422] And that first comment was lazy.

[2423] I'm like, motherfucker.

[2424] But that was the only one.

[2425] But it was like the first one.

[2426] I was like, God damn it.

[2427] You can't listen to those people.

[2428] Those people are shitheads.

[2429] Yeah.

[2430] You know, you can't tell me that I'm supposed to be.

[2431] If somebody tells me like, oh, I saw this joke last time or whatever, it's like, it just bothers me. Well, you need to let them know.

[2432] Look, I'm working on jokes.

[2433] And the only way to work on jokes is you got to do them more than once.

[2434] Yeah.

[2435] A bid is never finished unless it's done 20, 30, 50, depending on the bit.

[2436] I mean, it's got to be done a lot of times.

[2437] You have to do it on stage and perform it and tweak it and move it around.

[2438] And if you think that, like, you know, you go to see me in this town, then you go to see me in another town, and it's going to be a totally different act a month later.

[2439] It's not possible.

[2440] It's crazy.

[2441] I need to work on that stuff.

[2442] Like, a lot of my stuff that I've released in the past, I wish I'd worked on it more.

[2443] I wish I'd spent more time going over it.

[2444] Yeah, but that requires new people to come, I guess.

[2445] Yep.

[2446] Well, it also requires you have to do it on stage.

[2447] You know, I had Everlast on the podcast yesterday.

[2448] We were talking about the difference between writing a song and writing a joke.

[2449] Like, I've never made a joke without the help of other people.

[2450] Because every joke I make, it has to be done in front of an audience, and they let me know what's working.

[2451] It's a combined effort.

[2452] It just is.

[2453] I can't, I mean, I'll write some good ideas that'll work the first time I get on stage.

[2454] But they get better when you do them in front of an audience and you figure them out.

[2455] And you've got to take chances.

[2456] You've got to do them this.

[2457] way and you've got to move the punchlines.

[2458] It tells really good at that, changing like an order.

[2459] Let me examine each of these a bunch of different ways.

[2460] You never know, man. Sometimes you nail one and it's just the perfect way to say, and you can't believe you used to say it another way before.

[2461] Yeah, Paul's right.

[2462] And some suck, man. You know, Chris Rock famously talks about one of his greatest bits of all time.

[2463] You know the bit that I love black people and I hate niggers.

[2464] Remember that bit?

[2465] That's one of the all -time classic.

[2466] He certainly did.

[2467] But it's one of the all -time classic comedy bit.

[2468] It's just a brilliant bit.

[2469] Well, he said that that bit bombed.

[2470] Louis C .K. told me this.

[2471] He said that the bit bombed for like a year.

[2472] Really?

[2473] Couldn't get it to work right.

[2474] And then finally, he figured out how to get it right.

[2475] He just figured out how to do it right.

[2476] But he believed in it.

[2477] He believed in the premise, so he chased the premise down until he got to a point where it was just a weapon.

[2478] And then by the time it was on a special, it's just flawless that bit.

[2479] That bit's so classic.

[2480] It's a legendary bit.

[2481] It's a legendary bit.

[2482] Yeah.

[2483] But that's a perfect example.

[2484] It's a legacy bit.

[2485] You can't do that if you want to hear the same jokes every week.

[2486] Oh, right.

[2487] Or, rather, you want to hear new jokes every show.

[2488] Because you're never going to get to that level.

[2489] Dude, it was really great going in New York.

[2490] We're going to do four, five, six spots a night.

[2491] And if you work on one bit and you go, you get that feeling of like, oh, I was a little dead in the middle there.

[2492] It wasn't enough laughs.

[2493] But then usually I wait 24 hours before attacking it again.

[2494] I sort of forget.

[2495] This time, it's 40 minutes later.

[2496] I'm doing it again.

[2497] I'm like, oh, it's still weak in the middle there.

[2498] So then on the stuff.

[2499] that way I'm like I gotta write something and then you don't still weak in the middle the next thing you do and then you're like well that was okay maybe that'll work you try something else and by the end of the night you're like I've fixed this up a little bit you know yeah it was almost like a dilapidated house so you're like I've done some work on it now sometimes when I'm in a bit that's not really working I try to think of myself like when I'm writing especially I try to think of myself as instead of making a bit instead of trying to turn it and figure out a way to make a bit just figure out a way to just express what's going on on in what you're talking about.

[2500] What is actually going on?

[2501] Add a bunch of shit to it that's not necessarily in the writing aspect of it.

[2502] Like write a bunch of shit out.

[2503] Talk about the whole thing.

[2504] Read whatever the subject is.

[2505] Describe what, you know, emotions you were having.

[2506] Describe how embarrassed you felt.

[2507] Describe why you were embarrassed.

[2508] Add a bunch of shit.

[2509] You know you're never going to say on stage.

[2510] A bunch of shit, like go way too far.

[2511] And then look at it and go and just start cherry picking.

[2512] And then go, oh, but this makes sense.

[2513] If I could cut that out and go, right to this and you'll sometimes you just give yourself more yeah by going too far my acting teacher would tell us that like if people weren't going even close to far enough they'd be like why did you cheat on me he was like you're not you're not going far enough like I'm pretty upset like it doesn't look like that and he would always go just do it like 10 times too much just for argument's sake let me just see that and people would do it he goes okay pull that back like like 3 % like you're just barely over the line right like that's where you should be you got to take chances and people don't want to take chances and that's one of the things that is the hallmark of bad acting yeah There's people that don't really want to dive into and become someone else.

[2514] They're still clinging on to who they are.

[2515] What are you talking about?

[2516] You're not even going in there.

[2517] They don't even know how to be.

[2518] I noticed Freddie would do that.

[2519] When he would really do his dad getting exasperated, he would lift his hand all the way up over his head.

[2520] Like, why are you doing that?

[2521] Like that.

[2522] And then you see, like, new open micers trying something similar, and their hand were kind of about their side.

[2523] They'd be like, oh, why are you doing that?

[2524] They just didn't have the guts to stick with it to just go for it.

[2525] There's a commitment.

[2526] Because it's so foolish if you fail like that.

[2527] Oh, yeah.

[2528] It's a way more.

[2529] foolish oh we've all done that we've over committed to bits and tried to like pump them up and they're just dog shit yeah right you know that feeling brian you know what talking about what you're in the middle of a bit and you're really working it and you're like oh my god i can't even get out of this bit yeah it's usually the dolphin one when people start like like women get disgusted about it or something yeah not the dolphin i'm sorry the stripper one oh that's even more yeah well what are they going to do every it's not for everybody some people like bluegrass It sucks because that story is like 10 minutes long.

[2530] Once you start when you realize a whole crowd is not that into it, you're like, oh, I really should have stopped.

[2531] Well, I found a way out of it, though, lately.

[2532] Yeah, that's sometimes an important part of, like, not doing well with a bit, too, is that it shows other paths.

[2533] Yeah, well, also, I like doing it for crowds.

[2534] I like doing bits for crowds, a mix between either putting on the best show or doing bits that I think this crowd won't like to see if I can make it work here.

[2535] You know what I mean?

[2536] Right, right, right.

[2537] It's a real dark joke and there's a real conservative crowd.

[2538] I could do my more conservative jokes, but I sort of rather.

[2539] their work on this in front of these people working this really harsh thing in front of these people that's why i like going to australia and switzerland and amsterdam i'm doing shows in other countries but like i want to know what parts of these really work in different environments wow you know and comedy on state has like a thursday night like college night so it's all college students you know 250 of them so it's like yeah let me see how they relate to this right right college kids are a different thing man because when you do like colleges one of the things that you realize are almost immediately yeah it's how little experience a lot of them have in life like a lot of them are coming from their parents houses right protected environments of their home to a dorm with a bunch of savage hormonally charged teenagers just sticking things inside their bodies like all day whether it's needles or dicks or just you're just fucking and doing drugs and getting crazy i mean people are getting crazy you remember how much fucking you did when you were in college zero oh no i barely won you didn't do any fucking oh that's right You were a virgin religiously for religious purposes.

[2540] Yeah, but then I dropped the religion.

[2541] I still was just waiting for the right girl.

[2542] The right girl to love.

[2543] Kate Hicks.

[2544] I saw that you added that to your phone, your email list, unless you're Kate Hicks.

[2545] I said, I had to tell her by my new email address.

[2546] I said, if I haven't talked to a long time where enemies, don't take this as a sign.

[2547] You should get in touch with me again.

[2548] Unless you're Kate Hicks.

[2549] Do you know where she is now?

[2550] In Baltimore somewhere.

[2551] Yeah.

[2552] She's doomed.

[2553] Are you friends with Facebook?

[2554] No, she won't be friends with me at any of those things.

[2555] She's doomed.

[2556] She can't get the Ari's dick anymore.

[2557] She's doomed.

[2558] That's what it is.

[2559] She's terrified.

[2560] She's the one that got away?

[2561] Crying in Baltimore.

[2562] It's like five that got away.

[2563] Thinking about the Ari Dick.

[2564] Yeah.

[2565] Yeah.

[2566] I got away every time.

[2567] You're the one that always got away?

[2568] Well, I mean, I definitely got dumped.

[2569] I've definitely been dumped.

[2570] But when I got dumped, I got away.

[2571] I realized after the show.

[2572] I'm like, whoa, I got away.

[2573] Oh, wow, thank God.

[2574] But I was a maniac, too.

[2575] Don't get me wrong.

[2576] They got away as well.

[2577] It's not like either one of us wasn't goofy.

[2578] I love what you can both look back.

[2579] I'm like, whoa, you both get out of that.

[2580] Yeah, what were you doing?

[2581] Wow.

[2582] You got to be careful, though.

[2583] I'm so wrong for you.

[2584] You're so wrong for me. You'll get into that situation where you think, you know, like, wow, maybe we're meant together.

[2585] Like, now we've gone through all our bullshit.

[2586] And I try to do that once.

[2587] Yeah.

[2588] Oh, right, because you're just comfortable.

[2589] A girlfriend when I was a teenager.

[2590] We met when I was 25 and we went on a date in New York and had a good time and went back and go a little that and there.

[2591] And I was like, wow, maybe she's the one.

[2592] Maybe she's the one.

[2593] one yeah I did that so much two days it was a wreck maybe she's the one you start thinking like that's another thing to one date like relax when you're young and single and you try to like hang out for a weekend with someone that you barely know yeah and like a day in where you're like you shut the fuck up like what kind of craziness are you talking and you realize like what kind of nonsense people talk amongst their friends and then you're stuck in the middle of it yeah people just squawking at you are you have you met anyone off Tinder yet.

[2594] One girl in Melbourne I hooked up with.

[2595] You're not supposed to tell that, fucking kiss and tell cock sucker.

[2596] Oh, is Melbourne going to know?

[2597] There's not that many people.

[2598] They know who fucked are in Melbourne.

[2599] No, it's weird.

[2600] You know why I like it?

[2601] Tell them more than anything?

[2602] More than, because I went on one date in New York and we were like made out and that was it.

[2603] And then another date we didn't do anything.

[2604] But like, it's nice to be able to reject girls that are kind of out of your league.

[2605] Just to be like, nah.

[2606] You're just an eight.

[2607] No, thanks.

[2608] Yeah, when you're saying yes or no to all these girls, and they're putting their best pictures up, you feel like your line has gone up.

[2609] Wow.

[2610] Because they're like, why would I take this seven and a half when I just took two nines?

[2611] Wow.

[2612] And you don't have to get to match with any of them.

[2613] What are we doing to humans?

[2614] Are we devaluing them?

[2615] I don't know.

[2616] Numbers on an iPhone app.

[2617] I don't know.

[2618] Or I don't know if it's setting us free.

[2619] Hmm.

[2620] Well, I think it's definitely...

[2621] From these societal norms that aren't really us.

[2622] Definitely setting a lot of people free from the difficulty in getting laid.

[2623] I saw two hippos fucking in the zoo.

[2624] Me and Simone.

[2625] and Pete C went.

[2626] There's nothing to do with Tinder.

[2627] It did not meet on Tinder.

[2628] It was the base level of it.

[2629] It's like that old joke you had with the with the Lions.

[2630] No like no like oh I wonder if my pilot is going.

[2631] None of that just fucking.

[2632] That's what Tinder is.

[2633] That's base.

[2634] You like me?

[2635] I like you.

[2636] We like each other looks.

[2637] Let's do this.

[2638] Well I think one of the things that's kept people from being more sexually liberated is that people cling when there's a shortage.

[2639] And when it's difficult to get sex, people cling to each other.

[2640] Yeah.

[2641] And it's difficult to find partners difficult to find lovers and people that you enjoy being with it's hard to meet people when you find people they get together and they get married real early but when people get older instead of playing musical chairs just grabbing onto the first chair and hang on and you get us something like a Tinder or one of those little dating websites or the books yeah you can just meet a bunch of new people and then find who you actually like and then you realize they're just meeting a bunch of people too and everybody's just meeting and it's easy to meet people it's like first day at dining hall of the fucking college everyone's high how are you yeah and if it becomes not hard to get a date.

[2642] Yeah.

[2643] That eliminates a lot of the stress.

[2644] Bobby Lee said it changed his life.

[2645] Really?

[2646] He said because he was the one thing he was worried about most was rejection, a natural fear of it.

[2647] But this takes that out.

[2648] They've already said, yeah, I'm interested.

[2649] Wow, that's interesting.

[2650] That's a great idea.

[2651] That's a great application.

[2652] I just met this girl on, on Tinder, and she's like, I told her my name eventually.

[2653] I was like, well, online, it's Brian Redband.

[2654] And she goes, that's weird.

[2655] My last name is banned.

[2656] I'm like, what?

[2657] Oh, that's crazy.

[2658] And then, and then, uh, Then she had come to the comedy store with Bobby Lee.

[2659] Bobby Lee met his girl on Tinder, brought this girl with her.

[2660] And I was like, wait, I remember I was like staring you down the whole time.

[2661] And then I found a picture on Comedy Store's website.

[2662] Of her?

[2663] Of the whole patio that night.

[2664] Like they took a picture of the patio.

[2665] And I'm staring right at her and she's staring right at me. It's a marriage made in heaven.

[2666] I'm a psychic.

[2667] I can tell it's in the stars.

[2668] Read your tea leaves.

[2669] Her last name's banned, though.

[2670] It's not weird.

[2671] crazy do it with her no i'm even met her yet it's weird sorry come on man how dare you how dare you it's hard for me to meet people off tender because it's a very weird situation even once you said the first move it's like hi um so we might want to we might want to touch each other yeah it gets tricky it gets real tricky you got to think about what you're doing getting together it gets real tricky when you show up and you're like there were about 30 pounds that weren't represented in those photos what do you do then yeah my what do you do that You just enjoy the date, and then you get, at some point, you're like, you know what?

[2672] I don't get shit anymore.

[2673] You're looking sexy.

[2674] Whoa, Ari Shafir.

[2675] That's why you got to do some research before you go.

[2676] You take a screenshot of it, cut out the picture, uploaded to Google Image Search, and I'll show you her Facebook page.

[2677] Oh, my God, Brian.

[2678] Too crafty.

[2679] Too crafty.

[2680] Jesus.

[2681] Like, I just found out this girl that I met, she has a podcast on a other podcast network, and I don't know if I should tell her or not, because we've been talking back and forth.

[2682] What the fuck?

[2683] Is something wrong with her having a podcast?

[2684] doctors?

[2685] Yeah, I just don't like the network.

[2686] So what?

[2687] So what?

[2688] Slumber party with Allie and Georgia.

[2689] Let all that shit go.

[2690] Don't tell people online who it is, you fucking knucklehead.

[2691] You want to ruin your life already?

[2692] Either Ali or Georgia.

[2693] So you're going to learn how to keep secrets, you fuck.

[2694] I'm not going to probably never meet this girl.

[2695] Oh, but you might.

[2696] You might.

[2697] You might become besties.

[2698] You might become besties.

[2699] Yeah, man. You know, I really resent that idea that other podcasters have to be uh we have to be against each other we have to change all the same team it's against them not not even talking about your situation but when uh the stitcher awards came out uh we we won best overall podcast congratulations dun dun dun dun dun dun that's very happy but what i was shocked by was like one of the other fucking podcasts i've never even heard of them it might be the nicest guys ever but their uh their sound guy or something like instigated some fucking hate campaign against us like really yeah to tweet me and say a bunch of mean shit to me. It was like, wow, this is hilarious.

[2700] Like, guess what?

[2701] You know, you can light whatever podcast you want.

[2702] You don't have to be mean to the people that other people like.

[2703] Like, who gives a shit?

[2704] Like, your podcast, your podcast can't be that good if that's the way you think.

[2705] If you really think that way, your podcast has got to be filled with some nonsense.

[2706] Like when David Cross hated Larry the Cable Guy and David Cross's stand -up was garbage.

[2707] Yeah, that didn't work out so well.

[2708] That was a ridiculous thing.

[2709] Like, come on, man, you know what he's doing.

[2710] And he's doing a character.

[2711] Like the idea that this character is like...

[2712] It's for yokels.

[2713] What do you care?

[2714] It's ruining the fabric of society.

[2715] No, it's not.

[2716] That fabric was already done.

[2717] Racist.

[2718] Yeah, that was the argument.

[2719] Larry the Cable guy's racist.

[2720] Really?

[2721] Yeah, that was a big part of it.

[2722] This xenophobic fear of foreigners, you know, towelhead talk, that kind of shit.

[2723] I don't know, man. There's other shit to be worried about in this world, you know?

[2724] That weird thing where people get mad at other people for being successful or get mad, other people for winning an award or get mad at other people for producing something if you want to tell a comic off oddly tell him he's your second favorite comic people get hanging like it's still really good of all the comedians you're number two that's awesome hilarious whoa who'd you like better yeah that's so mad that's so true yeah well we're all fucked up in some way you know or at least we come into it fucked up and hopefully we've balanced out somewhere along the trip you want to piss off a girl here's what you do you say you call her and say Close your eyes and come outside right now.

[2725] And then watch how disappointed they'll get.

[2726] Because women think they just deserve free things.

[2727] And they'll just assume you got them a present.

[2728] That's not nice.

[2729] Sorry, Sifere, these are terrible ideas.

[2730] You've got to vet these out with me. Call me up next time you think about doing something like that.

[2731] I'm going to go, what are you going to do?

[2732] What's the benefit of that?

[2733] You're just going to laugh.

[2734] Ha ha!

[2735] You get nothing.

[2736] You get nothing but dick.

[2737] You want some dick?

[2738] You don't?

[2739] Chaff.

[2740] Somebody else does.

[2741] Look at Tinder.

[2742] Look at my phone.

[2743] Fuck you.

[2744] I'm free.

[2745] I'm free Tinder's weird Every high schooler has one So free What's that Every high schooler has one A Tinder?

[2746] I'm sure they do They're on a goddamn rampage Kids today are fucking With an ease And a pace That we've never experienced before That's why it's good that they have That HPV vaccination It's very important They can shoot that in them And then they can shoot loads In each other They're not worrying about that Anyone under 26 right Something like that Anybody young That's gonna have sex Should get that vaccine Oh, yeah.

[2747] That shit's bad that I hate HPV.

[2748] But that vaccine, apparently, with some folks, has had given them adverse reactions.

[2749] There's a bunch of...

[2750] What?

[2751] I don't know.

[2752] You know, it's like any other medication.

[2753] Some people just don't know.

[2754] They just get sick.

[2755] Some people get sick from it.

[2756] Vaccination's are tricky.

[2757] You know, Shandra's dad got Lyme disease.

[2758] That's the case?

[2759] Yeah, from a lot...

[2760] They had a vaccination for Lyme disease, but for a small percentage of the population that had a particular gene set up.

[2761] they would get Lyme disease from the vaccination.

[2762] Wow.

[2763] It's fucked up.

[2764] The poor guy got Lyme disease from a vaccination for Lyme disease.

[2765] There wasn't a lot of people that got that, but it was enough that they pulled it from the market.

[2766] Do you see what's going on to Venezuela right now?

[2767] Yep.

[2768] It's crazy riots.

[2769] Crazy riots.

[2770] It's happening all over the world.

[2771] Millions of people on the street protesting against their government.

[2772] All over the world.

[2773] Put up some of the pictures.

[2774] Ukraine also.

[2775] Well, we'll believe in this.

[2776] So Venezuela's not his people.

[2777] How dare you?

[2778] Well, they're just tired of.

[2779] of this fucking really shitty setup that they have in a lot of these countries.

[2780] Quit cheating us wrong.

[2781] Do what we want for once.

[2782] Yeah.

[2783] You actually don't own us.

[2784] You don't have power over us.

[2785] We allow you.

[2786] We elect you to positions of control.

[2787] Elect you.

[2788] You don't tell us what to do.

[2789] We tell you that you have power to do things.

[2790] The system is so corrupt, though.

[2791] It's like that you can't, do you apply any leaders in there.

[2792] It'll always be corrupted.

[2793] Not everyone, man, but most.

[2794] The system will get matched.

[2795] I think, well, also, I think people, until today, until this year, people have been, I mean, until this age, I should say, the age of the internet, people have been able to get away with shit and not get in trouble with it and not have the word spread across the country, like instantaneous.

[2796] Yeah, with Ronald Reagan, I have no recollection of that.

[2797] This is live video of it right now.

[2798] It's turned into the fire.

[2799] It's cops versus...

[2800] Cops versus citizens.

[2801] Oh, my God.

[2802] She's terrifying.

[2803] This is a movie, man. Shots going off.

[2804] That light.

[2805] But, you know what?

[2806] Otherwise...

[2807] Wow, look at this.

[2808] shit.

[2809] This is crazy.

[2810] This is live.

[2811] That's live right now.

[2812] Venezuela is a fucking they're rioting.

[2813] They are turning against their government.

[2814] Imagine if you were living in Venezuela right now, this is the apocalypse.

[2815] They have regular cars.

[2816] Everything's on fire.

[2817] Guys, this is Chicago in 20 years.

[2818] Everything's on fire and guns are going off.

[2819] And this is the government trying to keep control of its citizens.

[2820] Because they're protesting and said no, no pro.

[2821] There's outlaw protests.

[2822] That's the first thing to do.

[2823] Outlaw protests.

[2824] You can't outlaw protests.

[2825] You fuck.

[2826] And they start getting violent because they just want to say, don't do this.

[2827] Yeah, well, you know they're living under a totality.

[2828] dictatorship.

[2829] They're blocking Twitter if you post pictures on Twitter they're blocking a lot of them.

[2830] Yeah.

[2831] It's terrifying shit, man. And you know what?

[2832] All these monarchs and all these kings and all these people that run countries are terrified of this kind of shit happening.

[2833] All these prime ministers or whatever their title is.

[2834] People in positions of power.

[2835] Call them whatever the fuck you want.

[2836] Did you see that?

[2837] All these people are terrified of losing this.

[2838] They're terrified of losing their ability to control these people.

[2839] and they get used to that feeling of power they feel like they deserve it the same way we were talking about earlier like ridiculous celebrities think that everyone is supposed to kiss their ass because they don't look at themselves these people don't look at themselves either just dominate these people I like the people who support America going into like Syria or something like that and they're like well we've got to do something and my thought is if there were dirty dishes in the sink you don't send a spastic toddler in there to watch it because they'll smash a bunch of dishes and you're like well we can't just leave the dishes dirty I'm like, well, we've got to send in somebody.

[2840] Like, that toddler's the wrong guy to send in.

[2841] America's proven to have just spread death.

[2842] But who else would you send in if you're going to get rid of a dictation?

[2843] We're clearly not the ones.

[2844] We just spread death to every country we're going to.

[2845] Yeah, but if you want to, okay, look, I don't buy what's going on in Syria.

[2846] I don't buy us that we need to invade Syria.

[2847] I think it's a very complicated, gigantic mess.

[2848] But if you're going to say that someone needed to invade Syria, who the fuck would it be except us?

[2849] We're the only real superpower in the world.

[2850] But we've only made more suffering and death to everywhere else we've gone.

[2851] We're getting better at it, Ari.

[2852] Okay?

[2853] It takes like a joke.

[2854] It takes a lot of practice.

[2855] You've got to keep dominating worlds for a long time before you get it right to the point you can be really nice while you're doing it.

[2856] Tom you in a peace.

[2857] Ari Shafir on Twitter, A -R -I -S -H -A -F -I -R.

[2858] Follow him and respect.

[2859] He will also be at the Ice House tomorrow night at 1030 p .m. along with Brian Red Band, Tony Hinchcliffe, Duncan Trussell, and Justin Martindale.

[2860] Boom, Shalok, lock, boom.

[2861] And Zanis is from Chicago this weekend.

[2862] Yeah, go there to Chicago this weekend.

[2863] Ari will be warming up for Zanis.

[2864] And Zanis is a warm up for, oh, the Verizon Theater in Dallas, Texas on March 14th.

[2865] Oh, my goodness.

[2866] We're going to have so much fun.

[2867] What are you doing on April 3rd?

[2868] What do you do in April 3rd?

[2869] I'm in Tempe with Diaz.

[2870] Boom, son.

[2871] I'm in Miami, bitch.

[2872] Oh, let me just say, I would reject that anyway.

[2873] I hate Miami.

[2874] One of the worst cities.

[2875] How dare you?

[2876] They're wonderful people.

[2877] Bomb them.

[2878] You creep.

[2879] They're your folks.

[2880] Yeah, some of them.

[2881] Cubans and Jews just fucking with abandon on Tinder.

[2882] Chaos fucking.

[2883] Just chaos fucking.

[2884] 418.

[2885] I'm in Orlando, Florida with Joey Cocoa Diaz.

[2886] and then 425 in Baltimore, Maryland, also with the master, Joe Diaz.

[2887] All right, so we will see you guys tomorrow with Campbell McLaren.

[2888] Campbell McLaren is the man who hired me for the very first UFC that I did, which was UFC 12 in Dothan, Alabama in 1997.

[2889] And he was there from the very beginning.

[2890] He'll tell us some great UFC stories.

[2891] And he's also got some new MMA league that he's putting together.

[2892] He's going to talk to us about that.

[2893] Thanks to our sponsors, thanks to Naturebox .com.

[2894] Good food.

[2895] Yeah, it's good.

[2896] It's yummy, and they're sending me some gluten -free shit this week.

[2897] Son!

[2898] Oh.

[2899] Get a handle on your hunger and your health.

[2900] Go to naturebox .com slash rogan.

[2901] That's naturebox .com slash rogan.

[2902] Try it now.

[2903] For your first order, 50 % off by going to naturebox .com slash rogan.

[2904] Go there.

[2905] Enjoy the shit out of it, you dirty freak.

[2906] Hey, I'm having a 420 show at the Comedy Store.

[2907] Store 20.

[2908] Oh, Jesus, Louise.

[2909] Store 20 at 4 o 'clock.

[2910] The Comedy Store 420 show at 420.

[2911] Shafir, I doubt weed will be involved in that show.

[2912] Wink, wink, wink.

[2913] But if you do get yourself in some trouble and you need legal help, legal Zoom is not the place to go for that.

[2914] But it's a place to go through for a lot of other legal shit.

[2915] Legalzoom .com, use the code word Rogan in the referral box at checkout for more savings.

[2916] Legal Zoom is not a law firm, but they can connect you with a third -party attorney and provide you with self -help services.

[2917] We're also brought to you by Onit .com.

[2918] On -N -N -I -T.

[2919] Use the code word.

[2920] Rogan save 10 % of any and all supplements.

[2921] Much respect, you dirty bitches.

[2922] We'll see you tomorrow.