#38 - Bryan Callen

[0] on the road.

[1] And that road may or may not lead you in a good direction.

[2] But you're going to stay on that fucking road if you're attached to an ideology.

[3] And it could be a terrible road.

[4] It could be a road of, you know, circumcising your daughter's clitoris because that's a fucking tradition.

[5] I mean, these fucking crazy bitches in Africa that cut holes in their lip and stretch them out to put plates on.

[6] Why is that?

[7] Because they got on a fucking road and they stuck with that road.

[8] Regardless of rational thinking.

[9] They didn't use rational thinking at all.

[10] They just adapted a predetermined pattern of behavior that makes life so much more...

[11] And that's what every fucking religion is.

[12] The problem is no one knows.

[13] You cannot know.

[14] You can have your own beautiful personal experiences.

[15] You could have been the person that was actually touched by God.

[16] But when you start yelling and ranting that other people have to follow you.

[17] Brian, you got two things going on at the same time.

[18] I know you're full of shit.

[19] I know you're full of shit, and you know you're full of shit.

[20] And the real problem is that we can't say it.

[21] Because everybody's got this freedom of religion, freedom of religion, religious freedom, the freedom to express yourself.

[22] Even if you're expressing yourself with nonsense.

[23] Nonsense that helps scared, lonely, sad people lock onto that nonsense so they feel like they're a part of something.

[24] I mean, that's what it is.

[25] It preys on people whose lives fucking suck.

[26] So it's all nuts.

[27] It's not like your shit's cool and my shit's not.

[28] And it's not that, you know, yoga's the answer or fucking mushrooms are the answer.

[29] There's just questions.

[30] And until we're honest about that, we're never going to evolve.

[31] The human race is stuck in a giant quagmire when it comes to our behavior and our thinking about our behavior.

[32] But there comes a certain point in time where you have to pop the train wheels off.

[33] And you have to recognize that all this morality that you've developed is good because it's good to treat other people good.

[34] It's good to treat other people the way you'd like to be treated yourself.

[35] It's like a fucking golden rule.

[36] And there's a reason for it.

[37] And that reason is that we're connected in some strange way that we don't totally understand.

[38] Unless you are good to other people around you.

[39] Unless you're a con. and friendly and warm and loving you're not gonna fucking enjoy this life you're just not You're going to be problems everywhere you go.

[40] You're going to have problems everywhere you go.

[41] You got to figure out a way to enjoy this fucking life.

[42] It's not because of Jesus.

[43] It's not because of Moses.

[44] It's not because of anybody that may or may not have ever existed.

[45] It's because that's how you fit in better in the world.

[46] That's how you stay positive.

[47] And it doesn't have to be some shit that was written 5 ,000 years ago on fucking animal skins.

[48] That doesn't have to be the golden rule because it's old.

[49] You know, that's dumb.

[50] We need to figure out, like, now, today, what is, you know, the best.

[51] way to live your life what is the you know there's got to be ways you can be putting forth the most positive energy i mean we know objectively what's causing pollution we know objectively what's causing birth defects and you know and we're taking too much chemicals and not enough vitamins we know objectively all this stuff we know how to organize our world and yet we don't do it we know how to organize our health and yet very few people do it we know all these things the right path to like being like a happy healthy person to do all the shit that we already know you're supposed to do.

[52] Take care of your body.

[53] Take care of your health.

[54] Take care of your mind, your stress.

[55] Meditate, be kind to people.

[56] We all know that.

[57] I mean, you ask anybody, they know how to get by and to be the most evolved version of you that you can be.

[58] I mean, it's not like a magical checklist.

[59] If you talk to people about it, you said, okay, you got a person, you want to improve them.

[60] What are the things you're going to do to them?

[61] Okay, well, if I was a life coach, the first thing I would say is, this guy's got to get on a diet that makes him healthy.

[62] I don't mean a diet just to lose weight.

[63] I mean just healthy food in your body.

[64] You need many, many...

[65] Vegetables, a lot of good quality protein, a lot of water, stop the sodas, stop the bullshit.

[66] Start working out your body and get a better sense of like how this machine feels when it's moving.

[67] It's flowing better.

[68] There's less tension in it.

[69] Your mind feels like relaxed and you enjoy every single moment of the day better.

[70] Step one.

[71] Everybody knows that step, right?

[72] Step two.

[73] Be cool to people.

[74] Be nice to as many people as you can.

[75] Smile with as many people as you can.

[76] Have them smile back at you.

[77] Tip well when you go to restaurants.

[78] Just do the most you can.

[79] Be as nice as you can, you know, and just still manage that and people walk over.

[80] Just get through this life.

[81] What else?

[82] Do what you want to do with your life, right?

[83] Don't go be doing something you don't enjoy.

[84] Don't do something that's, don't get locked into, you know, a car that you can't afford and doing something crazy because you need the money.

[85] Don't go do that.

[86] Do what you want to do.

[87] What the fuck is it that you really want to do?

[88] Because if someone else is doing it, you can do it, you know?

[89] I mean, everybody makes their own path through this world, but a lot of people don't follow the path that they really fucking feel pulled to.

[90] You know, just for whatever reason, they got negative programming.

[91] You know, when they were kids, someone told them they couldn't do it or told them to take the shortcut or take the short route.

[92] That's a sad thing.

[93] That was a little long.

[94] A lot of stuff.

[95] A lot of wisdom.

[96] Very cool, though.

[97] It was cool.

[98] It's cool that someone did that.

[99] Whoever did that, thank you very much.

[100] Yeah, what is his name?

[101] Unknown name or no name.

[102] Well, I should find out, right?

[103] Well, I can't because my cunt sucking website is down.

[104] Cunt sucking.

[105] Don't you hate that?

[106] There's no reason for that.

[107] It's so annoying.

[108] My website's down a lot.

[109] There really is no reason for that.

[110] I refer to my website as cunt crazy.

[111] Yeah, this fucking thing's annoying as shit.

[112] I don't know what's happening.

[113] Perhaps it's a DOS attack, Brian.

[114] Perhaps we're being attacked by hackers.

[115] Thank you very much for tuning into the podcast.

[116] I'm sorry we're late, but...

[117] You know, shit happens.

[118] We're not very good at starting these things on time.

[119] That's the beautiful thing about the internet is you don't really have to start everything on time.

[120] Yeah.

[121] Do we have an echo going on in the background?

[122] Seems like we do, don't we?

[123] Go see if that shit is on.

[124] I think it is.

[125] I can't get this right.

[126] I swear to God, we try.

[127] We try every week.

[128] That's why you're supposed to have, like, engineers.

[129] But if you had an engineer here, what if he was a weirdo?

[130] You see the big circular thing, Brian?

[131] Do you see it?

[132] Yeah, I just turned off your...

[133] No, you didn't.

[134] See that big circular thing?

[135] Touch it, and it shuts off.

[136] Yeah, I just also want to kill the stream so you get more internet.

[137] Okay.

[138] Did you do that?

[139] Yeah, the middle star button?

[140] Yes.

[141] No. No. No, no. It's...

[142] Fuck.

[143] Just shut it off, dude.

[144] Shut the computer off.

[145] It makes it right where it's off, right?

[146] Yes.

[147] There we go.

[148] God.

[149] What kind of a show is this?

[150] We have to listen to this, ladies and gentlemen.

[151] What have I subjected you to?

[152] It's the best shows, though.

[153] I apologize.

[154] It's the best show sometimes.

[155] The best shows are always that we're...

[156] What the fuck?

[157] We're just...

[158] justifying the fact that we're completely unprofessional.

[159] This show, as all, are sponsored by the Fleshlight, ladies and gentlemen.

[160] If you have not fucked one, you do not know what you're missing.

[161] I think that's an official slogan now.

[162] Keep it away from teething dogs.

[163] Outstanding masturbation device, Mr. Cowan.

[164] I suggest you use one.

[165] I actually have one for you.

[166] I appreciate that.

[167] I hope you have one for me. Yeah, I got one that I saved, especially for you.

[168] Thank you.

[169] You dress it up as a beer can, apparently.

[170] Nice.

[171] Or as a pussy.

[172] Here, see?

[173] It looks like a can.

[174] Oh, it's hilarious.

[175] So like if you're a closet pervert.

[176] See, because if you got this out, you got to do some explaining.

[177] You got to do some explaining.

[178] Let me see that.

[179] It's worth more if you don't take off the plastic, though.

[180] Why is that?

[181] Because it's like more of a collector's item, you know?

[182] What the fuck are you talking about?

[183] Is that a baseball card, dude?

[184] It's a fake pussy.

[185] I'm not going to use it.

[186] Collecting fake pussies.

[187] That is the craziest thing.

[188] That might be the craziest thing you've ever said.

[189] By the way, I listened to him.

[190] I listened to him too.

[191] I hesitated.

[192] I went like, oh, maybe I shouldn't open it.

[193] Maybe I shouldn't open it.

[194] Is that a rookie year, natural light?

[195] You snapped me out of it.

[196] What is it about people that are into collecting old shit like that and keeping it in the wrapper?

[197] This is the exact way it was made.

[198] I used to do that with comic books.

[199] Like old cars?

[200] It's such a weird...

[201] Dude, cars go for a fuckload of money.

[202] Like old Corvette, like original Corvette.

[203] So do some stamps.

[204] And they want original.

[205] Everybody wants original radio.

[206] They want original steering wheel.

[207] All the stuff that sucked.

[208] They want all that stuff.

[209] I know.

[210] I think it's a feeling of nostalgia.

[211] It's like you get to touch what was alive back then or what was so cool.

[212] It kind of brings them back to other memories or something.

[213] It's very strange.

[214] I've never been a collector, man. Collectors always kind of remind me of people that do other weird stuff.

[215] It's a form of...

[216] It's a fetish.

[217] Not even comic books?

[218] When you collect, it's a fetish.

[219] Now, it could be stamps, but it could also be like fingers.

[220] You know what I mean?

[221] But have you ever done comic books?

[222] You used to do comic books?

[223] Yes, I used to do comic books.

[224] I used to read them, but I would never collect them.

[225] It was one of my saddest moments of poverty when I was living in Boston, and I was totally broke.

[226] I sold all my comic books.

[227] Did the exact same thing for rent money?

[228] Dude, mine didn't even barely cover my rent.

[229] It was boxes and boxes of comic books.

[230] I mean, they totally...

[231] fuck you on the money.

[232] They're worth way more than they pay you for.

[233] But you gotta do what you gotta do.

[234] I had like 300 issues of just The Amazing Spider -Man.

[235] And I had every single McFarlane.

[236] I had like 10 of Todd McFarlane's first time he did Spider -Man.

[237] I had weird comic book tastes.

[238] I liked Conan.

[239] Yes!

[240] Because he was a real person.

[241] Dude, I used to read his real books.

[242] So did I. I read everything Robert E. Howard.

[243] Yes, that's what I'm talking about.

[244] Frank Prezetta did all that.

[245] Oh, fuck.

[246] Those were the best.

[247] I read every single book he ever wrote.

[248] Yeah.

[249] And then he killed himself with 30, man. He was a young guy.

[250] He killed himself?

[251] Yeah, 30 years old.

[252] Oh, wow.

[253] That's so awesome that you're into Robert E. Howard.

[254] Oh, my God.

[255] Dude.

[256] He's actually a great writer.

[257] I don't care what anybody says.

[258] He was a very good writer.

[259] That kind of fantasy writing, he was the best at it.

[260] He created a whole world, man. Those are good books.

[261] Oh, my God.

[262] The books would start with this epic battle.

[263] Yes.

[264] Giant Sumerian, this guy with this volcanic blue eyes.

[265] Finally, some survivor would turn and say, who are you?

[266] And he would say, I am Conan.

[267] And I'd say, ah!

[268] Dude, the Conan books were awesome.

[269] The heartbreak is I didn't grow up to look like him.

[270] That was the heartbreak.

[271] Oh, yeah.

[272] It was very sad.

[273] You set yourself up to such a golden standard.

[274] That's dramatic for a kid.

[275] Conan?

[276] Yeah, it is.

[277] That's a boy's first heartbreak.

[278] He crushes you.

[279] Is to realize I'm never going to be a superhero, man. I'm never going to be a guy who kills dragons with a sword.

[280] Right.

[281] I don't even get to carry a sword.

[282] They're illegal.

[283] He fights demons and shit.

[284] I can't carry a sword.

[285] Dude, if they could make the Conan books into a real movie with a really smart director.

[286] Instead of the Conan Arnold Schwarzenegger thing, it was pretty cool.

[287] It was pretty cool.

[288] It wasn't bad, man. But it was so 80s.

[289] You know what I'm saying?

[290] You got a movie that was done based...

[291] Like The Hobbit.

[292] Like Peter Jackson to do it or something.

[293] Get him to really invest in Conan.

[294] Conan was like this freak warrior that just...

[295] Always.

[296] And it was always an epic.

[297] He was always on a journey.

[298] And he always learned something at the end of the book, which was that, you know...

[299] Steel makes right.

[300] Isn't it fascinating, man, that that dude who wrote it, Robert E. Howard, was just completely depressed.

[301] Yeah.

[302] Killed himself in his car.

[303] I believe shot himself in his car at 30.

[304] Just fucking couldn't take it.

[305] Just wanted off the planet.

[306] Wanted off.

[307] This guy was like, I mean, for that genre, one of the best writers ever.

[308] Really fun stuff, man. Really cool stuff to read.

[309] I loved that shit when I was a kid.

[310] But he also, he lived in that fantasy world.

[311] Did Conan fuck Red Sonja?

[312] I'm sure he fucked in the same world.

[313] By the way, If he met her, he fucked her.

[314] For sure.

[315] Correct.

[316] 100%.

[317] Of course he did.

[318] If he met her, she just jumped on his dick like it was a grenade.

[319] Immediately.

[320] She was a brave soldier.

[321] Yeah.

[322] Listen, man, that's Conan.

[323] Conan was the king of the world.

[324] He's like the baddest motherfucker ever.

[325] That was the best thing about the Conan series.

[326] You knew no matter what.

[327] Just settle down, son.

[328] Conan got it.

[329] He got this.

[330] What was the worst part of the Conan series?

[331] What was the part of Conan that you hated, though?

[332] I didn't hate it.

[333] Was there a part?

[334] Nothing.

[335] Was there a guy?

[336] How about nothing?

[337] Perfectly written.

[338] Really?

[339] He used to pray to Krom, which was this guy who lived in the center of the earth.

[340] And you know what he used to ask Krom?

[341] Because you couldn't ask Krom.

[342] You couldn't ask Krom.

[343] For forgiveness.

[344] Yeah, because he was a restless god.

[345] The only thing he ever asked Kromov was a fighting chance.

[346] He just wanted a chance.

[347] Just give me a sliver of a chance.

[348] To die well.

[349] Yeah, I want to die well.

[350] Yeah.

[351] That's what every man...

[352] Ooh, son!

[353] To be brave in the face of fucking evil monsters and demons and shit.

[354] Every man's fantasy is to be a hero.

[355] Every man's fear is that he's a coward.

[356] He got it all locked up, man. He had it all locked up.

[357] In his brain, you know, his depressed brain, he created this intense fucking fantasy world.

[358] Yeah, and because in a way, what he was talking about is somewhat timeless, you know?

[359] It's almost like just energy.

[360] Like, he found a path for it.

[361] You know, the whole depression for whatever was fucked up.

[362] in his life he figured out a way to divert it in this other direction this huge fantastical world you know this fantastic world of fucking monsters and witchcraft and sword battles and this fucking gigantic brawny tan brawn skin man fucking just slaughtering people yeah he used to call it cutting a path of crimson cutting a crimson path he used morning stars and Yeah, he had to have to survive in the fucking woods by eating pigeons, throwing rocks at them, and eating them raw and shit.

[363] Dude, some of those stories were awesome.

[364] Yeah, I just go to the supermarket.

[365] Damn it.

[366] Those stories are fucking awesome.

[367] Those stories were the shit.

[368] They really were.

[369] When I was a kid, I used to do magic tricks.

[370] I had a little magic show in Fisherman's Wharf, and I would do it so I'd get money for comic books.

[371] I'd do like, yeah, put on a show.

[372] I was like eight years old.

[373] I used to put on a wig and do some dancing.

[374] Well, I saw all these street performers in San Francisco.

[375] And I got a box, like a magic box, you know, like for Christmas.

[376] It's like, you know, a bunch of card tricks and a bunch of shit in it.

[377] So I brought the box with me and I said, I don't know what I'll do.

[378] I'll get a cape.

[379] I'll put a hat on.

[380] I'll look cute.

[381] Like I was aware I would look cute.

[382] I was like eight.

[383] I was like a little eight -year -old criminal.

[384] That's great.

[385] A hustler.

[386] Yeah.

[387] And so that's how I first started performing.

[388] Really?

[389] For comic books.

[390] Because I was addicted to comic books.

[391] And what kind of magic would you do?

[392] It was terrible.

[393] It was cute because I was eight and I was by myself.

[394] Here's a question.

[395] If I could give you one magical quality, one, what would it be?

[396] What is this, a date?

[397] Yes, it is.

[398] Is this a ridiculous date with a contrived date?

[399] I think obviously it would be flying.

[400] I thought you were going to give me a profound answer and you're like, is this a date?

[401] Is this a date with a guy who pretends to be a palm reader?

[402] Is this a date with a guy who believes in crystals?

[403] Give me your hand.

[404] What happened when you were six?

[405] A guy who believes in crystals?

[406] I'm a healer.

[407] If you could have one superpower.

[408] There's one thing.

[409] What would he be?

[410] What would it be?

[411] I don't know, man. If I really could think about it.

[412] I want to look like one of those myostatin cows.

[413] At first, I want to say flying, but I'm so afraid of heights.

[414] You wouldn't fly, though.

[415] I feel like I would only fly five feet above this sky.

[416] You wouldn't fly.

[417] It wouldn't matter.

[418] You'd get somewhere, I guess, 15 minutes early.

[419] Is there really that many places to really be?

[420] Not really.

[421] And you wouldn't fly.

[422] You'd be all sweaty.

[423] It just seems cool.

[424] You'd get hit in the head with birds and bugs.

[425] It's hard to take magic powers serious after you've had a real good mushroom trip.

[426] Yeah?

[427] Yeah.

[428] Magic powers.

[429] DMT?

[430] is way crazier than any fucking magic trick anybody could ever do.

[431] What if I said to you, you could...

[432] see five minutes into the future for every time you were kind of on a five minute delay that'd be great and everything but then you'd be this douchebag who just knew about everything and everybody else it's like you try to tell people and they're like how do you know how come I don't know people would hate on you believe me man the last thing you'd want to know is the future why didn't you tell me I was gonna die my father could have been saved if you told us not to get on the train yeah but what if you could change the future fuck we didn't change everything man what do you do you gonna keep people alive forever you lose adventure Well, not only that, man. The reality is this is a temporary experience.

[433] We know it.

[434] It's on paper.

[435] It's been proven.

[436] It's documented.

[437] I really liked what you were saying in that thing we just listened to about how people know.

[438] They really do know the answers of how to take care of themselves.

[439] It's getting out of their own way.

[440] And it's always what I – it brings me back to what I always talk about.

[441] When you have Mayor Bloomberg who wants to outlaw trans fats in food or when Washington or any government agency wants to legislate good health.

[442] whether it's making drugs.

[443] You're going to make people dumber.

[444] Well, you're not going to make people healthier.

[445] People know the answer.

[446] There are a lot of really smart people that smoke cigarettes and eat a lot of fatty foods.

[447] You can't protect people from shit.

[448] But they're doing it.

[449] It doesn't mean they don't know it's bad for them.

[450] There's a whole other question.

[451] It's why are people, why don't people dare to be the best they can be?

[452] Why?

[453] Is it because it takes effort or is it more of a courageous issue?

[454] Are you afraid of what you might find or not?

[455] find as a result?

[456] That's really the question.

[457] Yeah, there's a lot of distractions going on with us.

[458] People sabotage themselves all the time.

[459] I see it all the time.

[460] Yeah, you create all sorts of bad habits so you don't have to deal with your own bullshit.

[461] But I'm all for personal choice, man. I think it's very important that we encourage personal choice.

[462] Absolutely.

[463] You appreciate it much more if you earn it.

[464] I'm writing this book, and one of the things that I wrote about this book, the only thing I'm really proud of, of anything that I've ever done in my life, is my peace of mind.

[465] That I know that I worked on.

[466] That I know that I got there because I grew up in a very fucked up, turmoil -filled life, and I figured out a way to navigate it.

[467] to become a happy person.

[468] It's like one of the only things that I'm proud of.

[469] Yeah, I think that knowing you for as long as I've known you, which is going on 16 years, I think that's a huge, I absolutely see that transformation.

[470] Because you used to be so intense, and you used to look at the world, I think, as just full of barbs and thorns.

[471] And you were always on the defensive, always ready.

[472] Because I remember we'd be hanging out, and somebody would say something stupid, which you always run into.

[473] And you just, it was so hard for you.

[474] deal you just you just immediately call them out on their ridiculous two plus two is 15 and unicorns live in my backyard and i'd go that's great and you go bullshit i don't like this person and i'd be like How do I do with this uncomfortable confrontation?

[475] You used to hang out with some knuckleheads, though, in all fairness.

[476] I really did.

[477] In all fairness.

[478] I really did.

[479] You were hanging out with some crazy people.

[480] True.

[481] And I am not that way with reasonable, rational people.

[482] But when I'm there with meth heads, and I know someone's a meth head, and I'm like, um, something's wrong here.

[483] I smell something.

[484] Stop.

[485] This is not normal conversation we're having here.

[486] We got an issue.

[487] We're not going to deal with how crazy this bitch is?

[488] And I'd be like, I can't see anything.

[489] We would be out with one of Brian's friends, and it would occur to me like five minutes into the conversation, okay, this is like a crazed fucking half -homeless criminal we're hanging out with.

[490] I'm like, okay, we have to deal with this.

[491] Nah, she's not.

[492] Everything's good.

[493] Nah, she's cool.

[494] She's cool.

[495] She's just a little nervous today.

[496] I blame it on that.

[497] Yeah, she gets weird around people.

[498] Yeah, you're an intense guy.

[499] She gets weird around here.

[500] She's starstruck.

[501] She's doing meth.

[502] Fucking mind, bro.

[503] I'm like, there's a monster disconnect here with this chick.

[504] Meanwhile, I really did find meth in her purse.

[505] Of course you did.

[506] Meanwhile, she ruined my life.

[507] Yeah, it was a wreck.

[508] Good job, Brian.

[509] I tried to talk him out of it.

[510] Nah.

[511] Do you remember?

[512] When I was younger, I'd be like, oh, that girl comes from a nice family.

[513] I'll take the girl with the bat tattooed on her face and the track marks, please.

[514] This is how crazy this girl was.

[515] This is how crazy this was.

[516] It was Brian and I. I met her at a bar.

[517] And he told me, I want you to meet this girl I've been seeing.

[518] She's really cool.

[519] So I go and I meet him at the bar.

[520] I talk to her for...

[521] three four seconds three or four seconds she turns and walks away and i looked at him and i go she's fucking crazy i go that girl's crazy i go let's get out of here right now i go get the fuck out of here i go you need to just change your number shut your fucking phone off let's go let's get out of here it's like nah she's fine she's cool no she's i'm gonna stick with that you know how you have a friend who you love to death but for some reason like he doesn't have those john carpenter glasses From the thing, he can't fucking see it.

[522] Everybody else can see that this bitch is crazy.

[523] He could not see it.

[524] He did not have the glasses.

[525] Well, I just chose not to see it.

[526] Well, you didn't just choose not to see it.

[527] You would glaze over and become like a project.

[528] I'm locked into this.

[529] This is a project for me. I'm working with her.

[530] I'm trying to help her.

[531] I want to change her.

[532] And I was like crazy survival boy.

[533] I was like, we got to get out of here.

[534] But you were always right.

[535] Because I would have saved a lot of effort and time.

[536] You're a healer, Brian.

[537] I don't have healer instincts.

[538] I have run away from monster instincts.

[539] Yeah, but healer instincts are phony too.

[540] Because what I was trying to do was I just wanted a project where it was like I was the guy of the savior.

[541] It was a very selfish arrangement in a way.

[542] No, don't blame yourself.

[543] I mean, you're being critical by saying it was selfish.

[544] But it's just a faction of all of these things.

[545] All these crazy behaviors are just from our children.

[546] That's all it is.

[547] Yeah, I think you're right.

[548] That's what it is.

[549] I mean, you did not like the way you were raised and you were trying to literally raise a chick.

[550] You were trying to literally guide them.

[551] I mean, you know, and fuck them.

[552] And fuck them.

[553] I mean, that's important.

[554] That's part of the guidance.

[555] A huge part of it.

[556] It's part of the guidance.

[557] It's part of the power.

[558] You have to lie down on your stomach and march your back.

[559] Yeah.

[560] And fucked them.

[561] And fucked them.

[562] Crazy fucking...

[563] It occurred to me, remember when I told you this, it occurred to me that the girls I was dating in LA, I was like, I looked at their last four relationships and I was like, wow, all four relationships, all of those girls, for me, they were all essentially a high -tech pet.

[564] They were not people, they were high -tech pets.

[565] I had to feed them.

[566] I had to be nice to them and pet them.

[567] I had to go.

[568] I had to talk to them like little cuties.

[569] And then I had to fuck them.

[570] And who hasn't thrown a wig on the dog?

[571] You know, the point is...

[572] It's all about hacking them, though.

[573] Oh, my God.

[574] It's so true.

[575] Yeah.

[576] It's so true.

[577] It was weird.

[578] Brian is one of the...

[579] Well, his current woman aside, she's very nice.

[580] And he's had a few in the past that were very nice.

[581] It's not all of them.

[582] You know, Patty Jenkins is one of the coolest humans on the planet.

[583] No doubt.

[584] But Brian has been the smartest guy that I know that has dated the dumbest chicks.

[585] I mean, just straight.

[586] Not just dumb.

[587] Crazy, though.

[588] Straight, just nothing.

[589] How about my girl, this girl who will remain.

[590] Don't say any names.

[591] My girl, Tina, who lived with me. She didn't know who Freud was.

[592] She didn't know who Freud was.

[593] She was 30.

[594] And then she thought, and this was an actress, she thought that Shakespeare lived in biblical times.

[595] I was like, hey, hey, you're already in my house.

[596] How do I go through this eviction?

[597] It took a year.

[598] Oh, my God.

[599] See if I can procrastinate the ending of this relationship for the next two years.

[600] Wow.

[601] Well, you know what?

[602] There's nothing wrong with not knowing something.

[603] Well, yeah.

[604] You just get older, though, and you start learning.

[605] It seems like you should know that.

[606] The main thing is to get older and learn from your mistakes and not make the same ones.

[607] But the problem is a lot of people get programmed a certain way as they're growing up, and it's very hard to shake off their programming.

[608] Sometimes it's better to have no programming, as I think you did and I did, where you just kind of were left alone to figure out life by yourself.

[609] Sometimes I think that's better than having shitty programming.

[610] Because if a girl grows up with shitty programming where there's a lot of dumb people, people around her all the time offering their dumb thoughts, and she's with dumb people all day instead of being left alone.

[611] Yeah, I think the reason that I didn't grow up that way necessarily is I lived in so many different countries.

[612] I was always literally moved.

[613] I thought about it.

[614] By the time, this is the truth.

[615] I didn't live anywhere for more than, for the first 30 years of my life, actually 33 years of my life.

[616] I didn't live in one place for more than a year and a half.

[617] I literally moved every year to a year and a half.

[618] And a lot of times it was a totally different culture, continent.

[619] But I think that didn't allow me to get pigeonholed.

[620] I was exposed to so many different cultures and ideas that you have to kind of keep reshifting and adjusting your paradigm.

[621] Because what you think is a preconceived notion, for example, you get this idea of what a lot of people say, well, that's my idea of what an Arab is.

[622] That's my idea of what a Jew is.

[623] That's my idea of whatever it is.

[624] When you're exposed constantly to different people, people in totally different settings.

[625] What you really actually learn to do as a child is empathize with those people because you start to realize, yeah, they're different, but they're exactly the same.

[626] Did you find yourself being a chameleon and blending into the new environment?

[627] My dad used to say, my father said to me when I was, I remember he said, I was 15.

[628] He said, I've never seen anyone ever.

[629] be a bigger chameleon he said your ability to ingratiate yourself and find your way into any situation find a hole in any situation he said i remember him his first comment he ever gave me he never even gave me a comment he said this it's it's it's it's remarkable because i've never seen anything like it in my life he saw me like i was in switzerland or something and i just had no friends and i was a chameleon we moved from new jersey to san francisco to florida to boston yeah and that's why your accents by the way a lot of people don't know One thing about you, your accents are as good as anybody's.

[630] And that's probably because you developed an ear.

[631] Well, I learned about my own.

[632] I won the Bay State Games Taekwondo tournament, and they put me on television.

[633] The first time I was on television.

[634] Oh, wow.

[635] And I was 19.

[636] And I heard myself on TV.

[637] I was talking about my instructor, Mr. Michael Malley.

[638] And I was saying, me and Mr. Malley, we've been working out really hard.

[639] And I heard my accent.

[640] I was like, that is the grossest fucking thing I've ever heard in my life.

[641] I had like a fake Boston accent.

[642] I mean, I had a Boston accent.

[643] But yeah, I was so disappointed in myself that I picked it up that quickly.

[644] I'd only lived in Boston for like three years.

[645] And all of a sudden, I had this crazy accent.

[646] Well, but that comes, I think, from having an ear for the music of any situation.

[647] Actually, it was six years by then.

[648] Six years by then.

[649] than I'd be in Boston.

[650] But six years and I developed like a hard, I'm saying hard.

[651] Sure, sure.

[652] That's ridiculous.

[653] Sure, we're social animals though too, you know.

[654] So I dropped it.

[655] I learned and I dropped it.

[656] But hearing myself on TV made me like consider my accent, like how ridiculous it was.

[657] I was like affecting an accent to fit in.

[658] Does it ever come out out of the blue though?

[659] Well, there's some Boston for sure.

[660] I mean, I lived in Boston.

[661] Boston's where I grew up.

[662] If you know, you talk about my formative years.

[663] My formative years are 13 to 24.

[664] I lived in Boston.

[665] 13 to 23, something like that.

[666] That's a long time.

[667] That's 10 years.

[668] That's growing up.

[669] If I think about a hometown, Boston's definitely my hometown.

[670] Boston's a rough town, by the way, isn't it?

[671] We just had the UFC in Boston.

[672] There was no less than 11.

[673] Bench -clearing brawls in the fucking stands.

[674] I mean like full -on soccer kicks, pride style.

[675] There's stories on the internet of people getting their fucking heads stomped.

[676] There's all kinds of crazy stories.

[677] Really?

[678] They're nuts.

[679] So this was at the UFC in the stands?

[680] Dude, Boston is filled with savages.

[681] Yeah, it's true.

[682] They're savages.

[683] They're amazing.

[684] I've never lived in a place where people were so quick to scrap.

[685] It's why a lot of good comics come out of Boston, though, because to be able to deal with those crowds, those cynical crowds, and navigate your way through that.

[686] Yeah, we've talked about it on this show many, many times.

[687] times with other Boston guys like Bill Burr and Dane Cook.

[688] It's the place where it's like the proving ground for comedy.

[689] There were so many good comics that came out of there.

[690] That's one of the reasons.

[691] You had to be so on your toes to make those guys laugh.

[692] If they turned on you, it was over.

[693] If a Boston crowd turns on you and starts booing, there's no rational thinking involved.

[694] If you go on stage with a fucking Yankee shirt on, they're just going to start throwing shit at you.

[695] We're not going to talk about this.

[696] Hey, come on, guys.

[697] I like New York.

[698] You like Boston.

[699] What's the big deal?

[700] Fuck!

[701] you queer they'll fucking throw glasses at you they'll give me shit they'll all together decide to beat the fuck out of you it won't be like like one guy does it and the other yeah the other people go hey we shouldn't do this no they'd all go yeah get him the way a school the fish knows to turn yeah dude they'll break your windows if you're driving by with a new york license plate in your car like they're fucking crazy guys haven't you read god and his autobiography Yeah, but there's something about that.

[702] That town has a great sense of humor, man. It has a great sense of humor because I think they live in the truth in a way.

[703] You can't bullshit your way into Boston.

[704] You show up in a pair of leather pants.

[705] Hey, guys, I just bought these leather pants.

[706] What the fuck is he doing?

[707] Get those off, queer.

[708] I told you.

[709] My buddy Carmine Profesano in New York is a little bit like that.

[710] I've been in Paris, and this woman, this really sexy saleswoman, told me that I looked like Arnold Schwarzenegger in this leather jacket.

[711] And I was like, I do.

[712] I must have gotten, I literally, like, I've heard myself going, I must.

[713] I think I put on muscle when I've been in Paris.

[714] For real.

[715] Like, I literally, this is what an idiot I am.

[716] This is how badly I've always wanted to be built like a guy like that.

[717] So I go, I'll buy the jacket.

[718] And it was at the time, it was like $400.

[719] I did not have any money.

[720] It was like, that's ridiculous.

[721] She goes, you know what would go really well?

[722] I was like, quoi, which means what in French.

[723] She goes, these leather pants.

[724] And of course, I'm like, you're right.

[725] And her pants.

[726] That's exactly what's missing from my life.

[727] Now I'm really going to get girls.

[728] By the way, I wasn't 16.

[729] I was like 24.

[730] So I literally show up.

[731] I literally, oh, by the way, I had to get boots that went with them because they didn't really fit.

[732] So I had these boots that go with these pants and these chocolate, chocolate, milk chocolate, leather, thick leather pants.

[733] Not suede, fucking leather.

[734] Okay?

[735] Like couch leather pants.

[736] My buddies.

[737] Eddie McCann.

[738] How much do they weigh?

[739] Uh, way too much.

[740] They were so thick.

[741] I could have run through a thornbrier and been fine.

[742] Really?

[743] Yeah, really.

[744] They were literally, I remember them being so thick.

[745] I was like trying to get into them.

[746] I was supposed to stretch them.

[747] It was a disaster.

[748] And literally I walk out and my buddies, I think Carmine and Eddie McCann, Donnie Gannon.

[749] I mean, all these like Irish and Italian guys.

[750] Carmine goes, what the fuck has he got on his legs?

[751] And I'm like.

[752] Oh, these are from Paris.

[753] Before I even got Paris out, they were on me pulling my pants off, just getting them off me to throw out the window.

[754] Yeah, and then we fucked.

[755] Oh, sorry.

[756] Sorry.

[757] I mean, erase, erase.

[758] Is this on a delay?

[759] Yeah, yeah, we got it.

[760] Dude, imagine.

[761] If that's all people wore, just animal skins.

[762] That's my joke.

[763] I'm always like, yeah, that's so soft.

[764] What is that?

[765] And the first girls go, where'd you buy that?

[766] I'm like, buy it.

[767] I caught it, killed it, and made it.

[768] My God, that's so fucking soft.

[769] What kind of fur is that?

[770] Puppy.

[771] No, that's mean.

[772] But if they had chicken heads, we'd wear them.

[773] It was pretty funny until that, and then it gets sad.

[774] That's what I do, and then I go, yeah, but you know what?

[775] I would never do that, but they're easy to catch.

[776] Have you seen that horrible video online where those 4chan guys are after that bitch that was drunk?

[777] I hope they catch that bitch, and I hope they fucking happy face her.

[778] There's a chick who had a bucket full of puppies, man, and she walks up to a river and starts throwing the puppies in the water.

[779] The puppies are yiping.

[780] Where did it take place?

[781] What country?

[782] Fuck, I can't remember.

[783] I don't know what country.

[784] You can find it, but 4chan is this internet, you know, it's a website filled with fucking psychos.

[785] Great website.

[786] I love it.

[787] Great website.

[788] The best website in the world, Joe.

[789] They have some funny shit that comes out of it, man. What's that website?

[790] 4chan.

[791] That's where, like, the LOL cat meme, it all came from that.

[792] You know, those really hilarious cats that say, like, stupid, like, almost Ebonics shit.

[793] Right.

[794] It's all from.

[795] Says what?

[796] You know, like, and you see it.

[797] 4chan.

[798] It's funny in a thread.

[799] One of the best websites ever.

[800] Really?

[801] That's one of the funnest things about the internet, is these little fucking, nigga, you gay?

[802] Things that people just know when it inserts.

[803] It's the photoshops.

[804] It's a fucking reoccurring joke, though.

[805] People will save them, and you'll find them online.

[806] There's a lot of really funny ones that you can, this thread smells gay, and someone's spraying Lysol in the air.

[807] One thing, though, tip, if you go to 4chan's website, put it on private surfing mode on your browser, or just clear your cache and delete your computer.

[808] when you're done going to that website because you'll see some crazy shit at that website.

[809] Did you hear about this website?

[810] So what?

[811] You think they're illegal?

[812] There's a lot of illegal stuff.

[813] All right, let's not mention that.

[814] We don't want anybody getting locked up in the pokey.

[815] Just be careful.

[816] Did you hear about this website?

[817] I was just at Parlor Live in Seattle.

[818] By the way, that's a great club.

[819] Have you ever done that?

[820] Parlor Live?

[821] Parlor Live in Seattle?

[822] Yeah, it's really, really awesome.

[823] I've only done The Underground, that small place in Seattle.

[824] Pack it in.

[825] And I did a theater there.

[826] They pack it in and it's run by this guy Ruben.

[827] How many seats is it?

[828] It's probably like a solid 300, but it's a smart group because they're all Microsoft people.

[829] They're all from – it's really cool.

[830] It's up in Bellevue where like Microsoft – Yeah, my friend Maurice lives up there.

[831] Yeah, you get like a really cool kind of like eclectic but pretty educated audience.

[832] Yeah.

[833] So it's kind of – I don't know.

[834] It's kind of refreshing.

[835] I love that.

[836] I like that about San Francisco.

[837] Yeah, man. And so anyway, but one of the comics that was there, poor girl, she was married and found out her husband was having an affair.

[838] And the reason she found out was because – Because there's a website called Dolly Madison or something for married people if they want to have affairs.

[839] Yeah.

[840] Holly Madison.

[841] Yeah, Holly Madison.

[842] And he had his profile on there.

[843] It's like, way to get caught, dude.

[844] She was like, my husband's looking for, this is weird.

[845] How hilarious is that, that someone came up with a website?

[846] for people that want to cheat.

[847] Yeah, for other married people.

[848] So married people want to cheat on other married people.

[849] It's like, hey, I'm married.

[850] You're married, too.

[851] Let's go bang.

[852] People are crazy.

[853] That's great.

[854] That's scary.

[855] Anyway.

[856] What's scary is that the guy was so dumb that he would create a fucking profile with his real name?

[857] Yeah, with his real name.

[858] What?

[859] And picture.

[860] Hey!

[861] He put his pictures on my profile.

[862] That's right.

[863] My profile is IWantToGetCaught .com.

[864] Oh, my God.

[865] Yeah.

[866] You know, come on.

[867] Did you see that?

[868] twitter that i put out the other day about there was a uh website using html 5 .0 and it's called the wilderness downtown .com somebody else did you do it no let's check it out the wilderness downtown .com you put in your address like like the place you grew up in and what it does is it takes google like street view maps and it mixes it with like like videos of people running down streets and it shows like aerial views zooming into your house like it's like in a helicopter and it just uses it from like this one address and it's fucking trippy.

[869] I mean, it's not as cool after like a few minutes you get the tricks and everything like that.

[870] But at first you're sitting there going, wow, this is badass.

[871] So check it out.

[872] It's the wilderness downtown.

[873] They're just preparing us.

[874] Yeah.

[875] They're preparing us for the one state of total connectivity where the whole fucking world is connected together.

[876] When the world wakes up.

[877] It's called the singularity.

[878] That's what they call it.

[879] Kurt's wheel, right?

[880] Yeah.

[881] Yeah, the idea that there's going to come some sort of a connection.

[882] A neural hub, right?

[883] Yeah.

[884] A neural global hub.

[885] Well, I think that's one.

[886] One of the reasons why people hate deception so much and people hate lies so much is that everyone's trying to figure life out.

[887] And it doesn't help if you find out that someone's not being honest.

[888] You can help me, your revelations, and they have.

[889] You and I have talked a bunch of times about some crazy shit and helped each other very much.

[890] The reason why is because I absolutely believe that you're going to tell me the truth.

[891] And you know that I'm going to tell you the truth.

[892] If you don't have that, if one person is telling the truth and the other person isn't, then you're fucked.

[893] Then you're in this weird situation like, oh, this guy's not even looking at reality.

[894] This is bullshit.

[895] He's not helping me. He's actually hindering me. He's getting in the way.

[896] And I see that.

[897] But I see that.

[898] All the time.

[899] One of the things I find tiring about living in Los Angeles, and maybe I'm being unfair about Los Angeles, maybe it's everywhere, but I just always find that people are not only playing a character, they're not even themselves.

[900] They haven't even faced up to who they are because they're still playing a character.

[901] How common are these characters?

[902] They're clearly defined, right?

[903] They're so clearly defined because they're almost archetypes.

[904] They're like, this is what a man is supposed to behave like, so this is how I'm going to behave.

[905] And by the way, this is also how my wife is going to behave.

[906] A woman's going to behave.

[907] So you have a man and a woman playing characters and coming together on almost a...

[908] Just the platform by which they're coming together is already fake.

[909] Nobody's being honest with each other.

[910] You've been cast as a guy who's got to be tough in this way, and she's been cast as this other person.

[911] It was like watching a show.

[912] Yeah.

[913] You know, I've watched people, like actors talk at a party and it literally is like they're appearing on an episode of Friends.

[914] Right.

[915] Everything they're saying is affected and fake and there's like a certain quality to it, a certain way.

[916] You know what I hate when people say, good to see you.

[917] You know why they say good to see you?

[918] Because they can't remember if they met you or not.

[919] So they say good to see you.

[920] And it's like this creepy actor political thinking thing.

[921] Where I say, if I say nice to meet you and someone goes, oh, we met already.

[922] I'm like, I'm sorry, I'm a retard.

[923] When did we meet?

[924] Like, I just can't remember everybody.

[925] That's just a problem.

[926] It's like there's only a certain amount of hard drive space that a human being has in his head for people.

[927] They say it's like 150 people, right?

[928] There's been calculations done on it.

[929] Like at 150 people, you can't remember anybody more.

[930] You don't have the space for it.

[931] I want to piggyback what you're saying on this quote I heard from Eleanor Roosevelt.

[932] And she said, mediocre minds talk about people.

[933] Elevated minds talk about events and great minds talk about ideas.

[934] And so when you're talking about having a hard drive for people, you're not supposed to even aspire to talk about people.

[935] Think about what most people talk about.

[936] Pay attention to conversations.

[937] And you know what you'll find most of the time?

[938] They're gossiping.

[939] They're telling stories about other people's sort of shortcomings.

[940] It's why Us magazine, those magazines are so popular.

[941] It's why so many of these talk shows that deal only with what's going on in Hollywood are so successful.

[942] People want to – they want to – I'm always amazed at people's capacity for gossip and how people can actually give a shit about somebody's relationship if they happen to be in a movie and stuff like that.

[943] I think it's always hard.

[944] Stories too though.

[945] Everyone has always done that.

[946] Back in the day you had stories about people.

[947] Good stories though.

[948] It's serious.

[949] It's to our detriment.

[950] It's serious.

[951] There are serious things going on in the world that raise very serious questions, right?

[952] We're all affected by it.

[953] And it seems to me almost this sort of, I don't know if the word is, this analgesic sort of quality to sitting back and talking about things that have nothing to do with anything, that are by their very nature completely ethereal.

[954] For example, like how much weight this actress lost or how much weight this actress gained and things like that.

[955] Do you ever watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians?

[956] I do not.

[957] I think you should get out.

[958] It's a really good show.

[959] I can't wait.

[960] I hope they have the CDs.

[961] I have a theory about all this stuff, this stuff with gossiping and shit.

[962] I think what it really is is human beings, I think it has sort of a therapeutic effect on people.

[963] I think the questions that are around us all the time are so big and so scary and so nutty.

[964] Absolutely.

[965] It's a form of connection, and I'm not talking about connection.

[966] I'm not talking about having a place for everything like that.

[967] I'm saying that the problem is that when that...

[968] is, when that becomes all people think and talk about.

[969] There's something wrong.

[970] A lot of what's going on is I think people are inundated with too much data.

[971] I think people are – our brains are not set up to be on the internet yet.

[972] It's just the brain is just being overwhelmed by shit.

[973] So I think we like to keep things really simple sometimes to distract ourselves from that.

[974] Well, that's an interesting thing too because I was also thinking about how technology and its exponential growth is kind of rendering masculinity in its traditional form completely obsolete.

[975] Someone sent me an email thanking me. He goes, thank you for connecting rational thinking and manly shit together.

[976] Because normally it doesn't exist.

[977] He goes, most people aren't open -minded.

[978] If you're into manly shit, everyone assumes you're a meathead.

[979] You're a dumbass.

[980] I can't be intelligent and enjoy this, but I do.

[981] So what's going on?

[982] It's in my nature.

[983] How can you tell me I'm wrong?

[984] It's in your genes.

[985] How can you tell someone they're wrong with that?

[986] But it's interesting how a lot of this stuff is becoming simulated.

[987] One of the reasons I think video games are so...

[988] popular is because it's an outlet, it's an aggressive outlet for boys and men even to exercise that natural instinct to hunt and kill.

[989] It's absolutely natural, man. Ricky Schroeder was on a couple weeks ago, two weeks ago, and Ricky hunts like crazy.

[990] Does he?

[991] Yeah.

[992] He would never strike me as the guy.

[993] He hunts everything, man. He hunts everything.

[994] And we were talking about hunter -gatherer instincts, and it brought up the idea, and I brought this up, I think there's probably a series of genetic rewards we have.

[995] like catching and eating things and killing things because it's good for you and because something is good for you usually there's like some sort of a natural reward system going on like with you know your brain chemistry you get like you know a little blast of dopamine or whatever happens you know a little blast of something and we were talking about it and we were talking about like fishing like you ever go fishing man and catch a big fish and then you cook and eat it it feels good right yeah i think we're getting away from all that stuff and we all have these reward systems that are set up inside of our bodies and if we don't get them in some direction and force them like into like like good exercise or or or some fucking creative path or something like we're basically making up for some rewards that we don't get all day anymore you know our lives now if you work a shitty job even if it pays well if it's a shitty boring ass fucking job it's not nearly as exciting as being a hunter Right.

[996] You know, when you're a hunter, you know, you might not be successful every day, but there's some shit's going to go down.

[997] You got to stalk.

[998] And you got to look out for other animals that are trying to jack you.

[999] You know, you got to all keep an eye out for mountain lions and crazy shit.

[1000] I mean, if we're talking about like thousands and thousands of years ago.

[1001] Right.

[1002] We still have those bodies.

[1003] We still have those bodies that are wired.

[1004] Like sex feels good.

[1005] Why?

[1006] So you make babies.

[1007] It's set up for that.

[1008] The hunt feels good.

[1009] Why?

[1010] So you keep hunting.

[1011] There's a reward system.

[1012] So there's a deficit because we're not experiencing that.

[1013] We're not experiencing that.

[1014] balls we are men like in society like There's very little outlets for real manly shit.

[1015] There are very few outlets.

[1016] You can't hunt.

[1017] We are designed to kill shit.

[1018] We are designed to hunt and kill things.

[1019] For thousands of years.

[1020] I mean, for millennia, we've been genetically programmed to provide and protect.

[1021] That takes courage and cunning and strength.

[1022] And as long as we're eating meat.

[1023] Okay, if you're eating meat, that means you're killing something.

[1024] And if you're killing something, you have to be violent.

[1025] There's got to be a violent release.

[1026] And all of a sudden, you're taking in all this animal protein like you're killing things.

[1027] We needed our violence.

[1028] But there is no violence with most of us.

[1029] There's no release.

[1030] There's no explosion.

[1031] So that's why everybody's fucking crazy with stress.

[1032] We're eating meat and not being violent.

[1033] Well, you had said, you were all saying exercise.

[1034] I so believe that the first thing for anybody to do, in my opinion, is get in your body.

[1035] Yes.

[1036] Get in it and feel the machine.

[1037] And exercise, I think, is crucial, man. I don't know where I'd be with that.

[1038] Yeah, it's maintenance for the mind.

[1039] The body, it's important, but it's the mind.

[1040] You can think way better.

[1041] If I have anything that's fucking with me, I go out and I hit the punch.

[1042] punching bag.

[1043] Just think about nothing.

[1044] Just hit the punching bag.

[1045] Kick it, punch it, kick it, punch it, do a few rounds.

[1046] Nothing bothers me when it's over.

[1047] I heard a statistic and I don't know, I don't know, I don't have the, it's not like Mayo Clinic and stuff, but it came from a fairly reliable source that said that one in four people, you know, one in four people will die of cancer.

[1048] One in four people get cancer eventually, whether it's in their 80s or 90s, whatever.

[1049] One in seven athletes get cancer, they found.

[1050] And there are a couple of theories for that.

[1051] One is that exercise moves lymphatic fluid through your body, and that's how you keep your body clean and all that stuff.

[1052] And then people who did sports who were out.

[1053] But they're talking about athletes, like professional athletes and Olympic athletes.

[1054] One in seven versus your standard one in four.

[1055] What kind of cancer?

[1056] Breast cancer?

[1057] All cancers.

[1058] You know, an interesting statistic.

[1059] There's never been a professional athlete that has lived to be over 100.

[1060] I believe that, and I think it's probably because of the kind of stress.

[1061] I don't know if that's true.

[1062] I don't know if that's true, but I read that.

[1063] It was called Dead Doctors Tell No Tales or something like that.

[1064] It was all about minerals.

[1065] Well, from what I understood, professional athletes from sports do die.

[1066] Yeah, well, it makes sense if you put an incredible amount of stress in your body.

[1067] Or ass cancer from eating so much proteins and hard meats and stuff like that.

[1068] Not everybody gets that.

[1069] Ass cancer.

[1070] You have to go straight Brock Lesnar to get that.

[1071] One and two.

[1072] Brock Lesnar almost died from diverticulitis.

[1073] You know that, right?

[1074] Is that a liver disease or something?

[1075] No, it's from eating too much protein and no fiber.

[1076] You have protein buildup in your gut, and it was actually rotting a hole through it and creating abscesses.

[1077] He had a real problem.

[1078] Did he start getting sick, or did he just say, Brock?

[1079] He just didn't feel good for a long time.

[1080] They said that he was operating at 60 % to 80 % of his potential, which is fucking terrifying when you think of how fucking fast and strong and athletic that dude is.

[1081] And to think that he was actually sick the whole time.

[1082] That's so crazy.

[1083] He's crushing dudes and he's sick.

[1084] He's fighting Cain Velasquez in October in Los Angeles.

[1085] In Anaheim.

[1086] Now, I've never seen anybody quite so explosive and so big.

[1087] I mean, he walks around.

[1088] He's a true freak athlete.

[1089] Doesn't he walk around at 300 pounds and suck down?

[1090] No, not anymore.

[1091] I don't think he wants to take that toll on his body.

[1092] But he's a bit over 265.

[1093] He's actually lighter now than he's ever been before because he changed his diet.

[1094] Is he stronger when you talk to other guys who fought him?

[1095] Does he feel like Shane Carwin gave up eating?

[1096] Well, yeah, he got clipped with the big punch.

[1097] You know, Shane Carwin is a strong motherfucker, too.

[1098] And he can bang, dude.

[1099] Shane Carwin has.

[1100] Serious, serious, serious power.

[1101] He's got power that there's not a single man on the planet that can take one of those bombs and be okay.

[1102] I agree.

[1103] He got fucked up.

[1104] And Brock knew it.

[1105] I think he felt it and was like, holy shit.

[1106] This is like a new kind of thunderstorm coming my way.

[1107] I don't think anybody ever hit him like that.

[1108] I mean, everybody's like, Brock can't take a shot.

[1109] And Brock covered up and ran like.

[1110] No, Brock survived and won the fight, stupid.

[1111] He did what he had to do.

[1112] He took a beating.

[1113] He got clipped.

[1114] We knew for sure that Shane was going to be the better striker, but Brock has had some good...

[1115] He dropped Randy with the right hand.

[1116] He dropped Heath Herring with the right hand.

[1117] It was just how quick Shane put it on him.

[1118] It was just, as soon as he started bombing, I was like, oh, shit.

[1119] It's like, that dude's got some special power.

[1120] He does.

[1121] He's got some, boom, like he hits dudes, and you could see the look in their eyes.

[1122] They're like, what the fuck?

[1123] Like when he hit Frank Mir, like he hit Frank Mir, like the short left hand inside, and you could see Frank Mir's face like a couple of times.

[1124] Before he dropped him, he hit him with like these short punches.

[1125] It was that, but it was the look in his face like, whoa.

[1126] Like, this is some fucking rocky shit we're doing here.

[1127] Like, I'm getting hammered.

[1128] Like, these are bombs.

[1129] He's seeing sparks and trying to keep it together, and he's not expecting that.

[1130] And then he's thinking, what happens if this motherfucker gets his arms loose and starts raining these on me?

[1131] I'm going to sleep.

[1132] Shit!

[1133] And then he gets one hand loose, and I was like, oh, fuck, here it comes.

[1134] Boom!

[1135] Boom!

[1136] And when Amir's legs give out, I'm like, goddamn, Amir can take a shot, man. Amir's a big guy.

[1137] He can take a shot, because he took a gang of them before he went out.

[1138] He took a gang of them.

[1139] And Carwin was blasting him, man. Carwin, if he can get his cardio together, he can get his situation together.

[1140] I think it was a situation with the Brock Buster fight.

[1141] He got really excited.

[1142] He thought it was over.

[1143] He thought it was over, and he was just going to try to stop the fight and throw as many punches as possible.

[1144] From what I heard, he got really excited.

[1145] It was a strategy mistake.

[1146] He didn't breathe, and he locked up.

[1147] He locked up, and then he got literally lactic acid, froze his muscles.

[1148] The second round, he was done.

[1149] But if he could figure out how to get his strategy together.

[1150] It might not even be that big, man. I mean, he's like two.

[1151] He told me he cut, I think he said 16 pounds.

[1152] So when I was talking to him the day of the fight, he was 16 above 265.

[1153] That's so weird how big these guys are.

[1154] He's giant!

[1155] It's so weird.

[1156] How tall is he?

[1157] He's 6 '1", 6 '2".

[1158] It's so weird.

[1159] What did he do before this?

[1160] He's got these redonkulous gorilla paws, too.

[1161] He's this dude who shakes your hand, and you're like, what the fuck is that that you call a ham?

[1162] What is this giant thing with bone and ham hock?

[1163] Because there are bears and there are dogs.

[1164] I'm a dog, and he's a bear.

[1165] He's a bear.

[1166] And no matter what happens, a dog never beats a bear in a fight.

[1167] But my question, I'm sure you've been asked before, is...

[1168] What I noticed about Fedor Emelienko is his timing, his ability to time punches.

[1169] Oh, he's got brilliant timing.

[1170] And it's just so much better than everybody else's.

[1171] He springs in.

[1172] He's really good at springing in.

[1173] And his ability and his speed.

[1174] Yeah, he's very fast.

[1175] He looks like a military dope boy.

[1176] He's got to be, I bet you, if he were to really trim down, he's got to be 25 pounds overweight.

[1177] I'm just talking about fat.

[1178] I think you're right.

[1179] Yeah, this is incredible, right?

[1180] It's incredible.

[1181] And, you know, that's the one thing I'd like to see him fight Brock.

[1182] I've always said that I think that he could fight at middleweight, and I'm not kidding.

[1183] I mean, I wouldn't want to see him do that.

[1184] it.

[1185] I enjoy the fact that he fights at heavyweight.

[1186] Who in the world would stand up to him at middleweight?

[1187] Well, I don't know.

[1188] I mean, who knows?

[1189] Maybe the speed wouldn't be as big as an advantage at middleweight.

[1190] Maybe at middleweight, maybe one of the things he's got going for him is he really is a small guy and, you know, when he's throwing these punches, it's sufficient power to drop these guys because, I'll tell you what, a guy like Patrick Cote, 185 pounder, who can really punch, that motherfucker can knock out anybody.

[1191] He can knock out a heavyweight.

[1192] A heavyweight student like Patrick Cote, Patrick blasted him with a big shot, he could put away a heavyweight.

[1193] weight for sure.

[1194] Maybe that's what Fedor's doing.

[1195] Maybe him being this lighter guy.

[1196] There might be a benefit in being lighter.

[1197] Look at the Frankie Edgar fight at 230.

[1198] 230 and fat.

[1199] If you look at Rich Franklin, Rich Franklin is above 200 pounds when he cuts down to 185.

[1200] Now that he's campaigning at light heavyweight at 205, he's walking around, I would say, probably maybe 220 or something like that.

[1201] Not too big, but bigger.

[1202] Rich Franklin, you know, he's a fucking big guy, man. You know, he's a big fucking, I mean, if you wanted to be a fat guy, he could be 230.

[1203] Really?

[1204] Yeah.

[1205] I mean, Rich Franken was the UFC midway champion, and if you put fat on him, he could easily be Fedor's weight.

[1206] Can you tell me why?

[1207] It really seemed to me like the spider, Anderson Silva, is bored or something.

[1208] He just didn't want to fight.

[1209] No, no, no, no. That's not the case at all.

[1210] Chael Sonnen is a fucking monster.

[1211] That's what I thought BJ Pan was.

[1212] Chael Sonnen is a serious wrestler.

[1213] He is a hard -nosed motherfucker, and he will take fucking five punches in the face to try to take you down.

[1214] And look, when he's dedicated and when he's on and when he's right, and he was in the Nate Marquardt fight and he was in the Anderson Silva fight.

[1215] He's a bad motherfucker.

[1216] He can take down anybody, man. He can take you down and get beat the fuck out of you when he's on top of you.

[1217] And you're going to have to deal with that shit for five rounds because he can keep doing it.

[1218] And by the way, Anderson Silva did deal with it, didn't he?

[1219] Yeah, and then he caught him.

[1220] And then he caught him.

[1221] You know, Anderson Silva, that's a master right there, man. He waited for his opening.

[1222] He was always dangerous.

[1223] Two minutes left in the fight.

[1224] No one gave him a chance.

[1225] Slapped on that triangle.

[1226] Bitch!

[1227] He's incredible.

[1228] It ain't over yet, bitch.

[1229] I was watching it with my father.

[1230] My father was like, this guy is not good.

[1231] And I said, he's been a champion for 10 years.

[1232] I go, do not count him out.

[1233] Do not count him out.

[1234] He is special.

[1235] He might have lost every fucking round up until that moment.

[1236] But he saw the moment and he fucking slapped that bitch up.

[1237] I don't know.

[1238] I hope so.

[1239] Either that.

[1240] Well, I know that Chael Sonnen wants to fight Anderson Silva again.

[1241] But I also know that Vitor is going to fight Yushin Okami.

[1242] The next fight that just been announced.

[1243] So Vitor is going to fight Yushin Okami.

[1244] That means Vitor is not going to fight Anderson, which means I think they're probably setting up an Anderson Chael Sonnen rematch.

[1245] I don't know the official word yet, though, but look, man, why not make the money?

[1246] This is the money's here.

[1247] Everybody wants to see it.

[1248] You know, you can say, hey, Chael Sonnen, he lost fair and square.

[1249] He needs to go up.

[1250] That's.

[1251] all well and good, but...

[1252] I'd like to see it.

[1253] What's this for?

[1254] I want to see it again.

[1255] Yeah, everybody needs to get paid.

[1256] Because that was in some ways a draw in a lot of people's minds, right?

[1257] When you just have the fucking highlights from that first one and put him in a UFC ad, dun -dun -dun -dun -dun, Chael Sonnen taking him down, dun -dun -dun -dun, over and over and over and over again, you know, the Chael Sonnen dominated for four rounds.

[1258] Right.

[1259] You know, until getting caught in this triangle, he vows to never let it happen again.

[1260] Right.

[1261] You know, and then you have Anderson, you know, he's like, Stug it in Portuguese.

[1262] And for some reason, you just have me slide by like this with a thumbs up and no shirt on with my average body.

[1263] The Old Spice guy.

[1264] Do you ever feel like that Old Spice commercial, like somebody might have saw your act?

[1265] I've had a lot of people tell me that.

[1266] Dude, I watched that.

[1267] I watched that and I was like, somebody saw Brian Callen's act.

[1268] This is weird.

[1269] There it is.

[1270] Like that stuff that you see in the Old Spice commercial was really funny.

[1271] I mean, we're not accusing.

[1272] It's very possible they came up with it on their own.

[1273] But it's very possible they saw your comedy.

[1274] I never worry about it.

[1275] I just figure as a comic, you've got to just keep reinventing, keep inventing, man, keep inventing.

[1276] You get too attached to one thing.

[1277] Your persona, though, is far more intense and sexual than that guy's persona.

[1278] What Brian does is a lot of very similar type stuff on stage to what that guy does, but much more surreal and fucked up and sexual.

[1279] To the point where it makes you uncomfortable sometimes.

[1280] Very, very funny shit.

[1281] Keep it on YouTube.

[1282] It just felt like it was very influenced.

[1283] You've got to see a live there.

[1284] The stuff I'm doing now has been, I don't know, it's been very satisfying.

[1285] Because I notice that the audience goes with me if I commit to it.

[1286] So I always just go, this is what I think is funny.

[1287] Whatever.

[1288] I had a bunch of military dudes.

[1289] Sometimes I just like this to be really obnoxious because I walk up, like I walk up, I think I was in San Antonio.

[1290] It was a bunch of military guys, maybe macho, you know, tough guys.

[1291] And I was like, I walk up and I go, I was wearing this tight American apparel shirt.

[1292] Guys, first of all, I want to apologize for my body.

[1293] Sorry about being.

[1294] So I shredded.

[1295] I know.

[1296] I know.

[1297] My back looks like a barrel of snakes.

[1298] Whatever.

[1299] Let's move on.

[1300] And I was just completely.

[1301] I kept apologizing for my body.

[1302] I kept apologizing for how vast my back.

[1303] I'm 170 pounds.

[1304] Regular dude.

[1305] And these guys were all just jacked.

[1306] I think sometimes I have so much fun being completely either totally absurd or just doing what I just think is funny.

[1307] And they get it.

[1308] People always seem to get it.

[1309] If you commit to it, it's when you apologize.

[1310] And I think they sent you lying, but I'm not lying.

[1311] Yeah.

[1312] It's just gotta be what you think is funny.

[1313] You know, Brian is a very, he's got a very unique sense of humor.

[1314] And, uh, one of the funniest, the funniest things that I've ever seen anybody do.

[1315] We were in a hotel and there's a video of it.

[1316] I'll get Eddie Bravo to Twitter, the video, put it online, but there's a video.

[1317] Do you know what, what the video is called on YouTube?

[1318] I don't know what it's called, but I wish I knew, ladies and gentlemen, I will, uh, I will find out later, but it's like, if you look up, like, like gay jujitsu porno or something like that.

[1319] Kung fu porno.

[1320] What it was, was he started doing this character.

[1321] We were just hanging out in this hotel room.

[1322] It was a weekend of the UFC, like a long time ago.

[1323] And Brian just starts doing this character about a jujitsu guy who fucks dudes when he holds them down.

[1324] And it was literally funny to the point where I couldn't breathe.

[1325] You were dying.

[1326] You fell off the bed.

[1327] We couldn't breathe.

[1328] Literally, if I had to look back on one of the funniest things I've ever seen, if I had to vote for the funniest things in my entire life as a human that I've ever seen, I think you win.

[1329] I think that might have been the funniest thing I've ever seen ever.

[1330] We were so high, though.

[1331] Oh, my God.

[1332] We were so high.

[1333] This was when I was first really getting in the pot, too.

[1334] How long have you been smoking weed?

[1335] How many years?

[1336] Now it's been, what is it, 2010?

[1337] Now I think it's about nine years, ten years.

[1338] Ten years.

[1339] Is it nine or ten?

[1340] I know I was getting high when 9 -11 happened.

[1341] I was already getting high.

[1342] Yeah, because I wrote about smoking.

[1343] The first 30 years of your life or whatever, you were completely, you never did anything.

[1344] I thought that all drugs were bad for you.

[1345] I thought that all drugs just made you a loser, and I was always terrified of being a loser.

[1346] That was the one thing that I was scared of more than anything.

[1347] It's like, you know, I grew up in like this.

[1348] situation where Boston is a very harsh town.

[1349] I did not have a fucking clue as to what I wanted to do for a living.

[1350] Everybody around me seemed to know.

[1351] Everybody was going to college.

[1352] I didn't want to go to college.

[1353] I was like, what am I going to college for?

[1354] I'm going to college just so people don't think I'm a loser.

[1355] I have no idea what I want to do.

[1356] Why is it that you can go to bars in Long Island or Brooklyn or in Boston and get in a fight so easily?

[1357] In Philly, so easily.

[1358] You can walk in with the wrong hat and get in a fight.

[1359] Whereas in the Pacific Northwest, like Seattle or whether it's in San Francisco or even L .A., it's just not the same thing, man. People are way get shot.

[1360] They're just way – well, no, but then people are a lot more mellow.

[1361] Yeah, way more mellow than on the East Coast.

[1362] You spend much time on the East Coast, Brian?

[1363] What?

[1364] Spend much time in the East Coast?

[1365] Yeah, I mean, well, for Ohio, that was where we would go for vacations or weekends.

[1366] That's a little bit more Midwest.

[1367] Did you notice the East Coast people being aggressive?

[1368] Yeah, I mean, there's definitely more drunks and fights, especially New York.

[1369] There's also a thing about the East Coast, though.

[1370] There's a no bullshit clause.

[1371] There's definitely no bullshit clause, man. That you don't get out here.

[1372] Out here, bullshit just breeds and runs rampant and fucking feeds.

[1373] Well, because it's what Sam Shepard, the great writer, wrote about it.

[1374] He said, why do you have all your characters, a lot of your characters in California, around California, the LA area?

[1375] He said, because this is a place people come to to reinvent themselves.

[1376] It's a place where people have no roots or they don't want to talk about their roots.

[1377] gave him a chance to create these characters that were playing a character, you know, that they were basically lying, you know.

[1378] And I guess that's part of it.

[1379] Maybe you don't have, like, I think a lot of times when you come from Boston or New York, you're, again, we were talking, like you were saying, you're cast in a role.

[1380] You play a certain role.

[1381] You're given your attitudes.

[1382] You're given what to believe in.

[1383] You're given, you know, how to behave as a man. There are strong, resilient lines to that.

[1384] And don't step out of them, okay?

[1385] And whereas when you're...

[1386] in LA there aren't as many people looking you know a lot of people come here from somewhere so they don't they're not sort of held down by that tradition right you're not born into a system you're not born into a system yeah neighborhood system especially right man a neighborhood system is very powerful very powerful it's very hard to get out of you don't get out of it unless you physically move out of it a lot of times what's really fascinating is when people start fucking other dudes wives That shit's fascinating.

[1387] You call it fascinating, I call it a turn -on.

[1388] In front of you?

[1389] No, dude.

[1390] There's some humans that I know, some civilians, non -actor types, that are having...

[1391] intramarital dalliances with next -door neighbor's wives.

[1392] There's a lot of that swing that goes on.

[1393] I hear about that shit.

[1394] Well, there's a lot of people doing it on a sneak tip, too.

[1395] And I'm like, hey, listen, I don't want to hear about you in the fucking news.

[1396] I don't want to hear your murder -suicide.

[1397] Maybe stop fucking your friend's wife.

[1398] Can you not do it in your neighborhood, like next door?

[1399] Don't you know that guy?

[1400] Isn't he your buddy?

[1401] Don't you say hi to him?

[1402] Wait a minute.

[1403] You've had that guy over for a barbecue, right?

[1404] You did, right?

[1405] Yeah, and you're fucking his wife?

[1406] What?

[1407] What?

[1408] I haven't seen that, actually.

[1409] Really?

[1410] Maybe I'm naive.

[1411] People are freaks.

[1412] There's a lot of that going on.

[1413] There's a lot of people wanting to distract themselves from this crazy world.

[1414] They want to fuck.

[1415] They just want to scratch that itch.

[1416] Fucking so dirty.

[1417] They might as well be fucking playing Dungeons and Dragons or sticking Q -tips on their ears.

[1418] I don't have time to fuck.

[1419] I'm too busy asking the big questions.

[1420] What's that?

[1421] I don't know.

[1422] Distractions.

[1423] Yeah.

[1424] There's no big question.

[1425] Something crazy happened to me at Fuddruckers the other day.

[1426] Yeah, tell me about that story.

[1427] So I'm in Burbank, Fuddruckers, and I'm eating.

[1428] My girlfriend's across from me, and I see her staring kind of weird off to the side of me. I'm like, what's she looking at?

[1429] Whatever.

[1430] And then suddenly she stands up and taps this table that's behind me. that taps this guy on the shoulder and screams, this man's trying to steal your purse and points to this other guy that's sitting on the other side of me. And he stands up and he goes, I did not try to steal it.

[1431] No, you're mistaking.

[1432] And next thing I know, he runs out.

[1433] And I'm like, what the fuck just happened?

[1434] And what supposedly happened is this guy comes in, Indian guy, which is even weirder.

[1435] He sits down and then he takes his duffel bag and he pulls out a coat and puts it on this woman's purse that was on the floor.

[1436] And then he was starting to scoop it up into his duffel bag.

[1437] But stupid me runs out of Fuddruckers and chases the guy.

[1438] And I'm like halfway down the street going, why the fuck am I chasing after this guy?

[1439] He didn't even have the purse.

[1440] Why am I running after him?

[1441] Instinct.

[1442] Yeah, and there was a car, getaway car.

[1443] He jumps in the getaway car and takes off.

[1444] And the car was like a brand new car.

[1445] It was like a brand new model.

[1446] It's called Prey Drive.

[1447] Do you think that you would have done that if your girl wasn't there?

[1448] No, I think if he was an Indian, I would have.

[1449] not have done that.

[1450] Really?

[1451] I think at the fact that if it's Indian, I'm like, oh, it's Indian.

[1452] He can't hurt me in other words.

[1453] What does that mean?

[1454] I don't know.

[1455] Are you crazy?

[1456] I don't know, man. You don't think an Indian guy could beat your ass?

[1457] You know what?

[1458] That accent's really hard to sound intimidating.

[1459] Yeah.

[1460] Don't fuck around.

[1461] I'll give you that smack.

[1462] It really is.

[1463] I'm not joking.

[1464] No, it really does nothing for me. It's really too bad that that's a hack accent because it really is a fun one.

[1465] Yeah, who is?

[1466] Indian accent's a fun one.

[1467] You can't, you know, but that's nuts.

[1468] And, you know, any jihad accent, those are hacking out too.

[1469] I'll give you that.

[1470] a tight smack.

[1471] I'm not joking.

[1472] Don't fuck around with me. It's...

[1473] It's very offensive, though, that you find that funny.

[1474] That's just how they're communicating.

[1475] Yes, it is, and I apologize.

[1476] Although, it'd be funny to see a Hindu cop.

[1477] If you had one in Boston, nobody would stop.

[1478] Freeze!

[1479] Is that racist to make fun of them behaving like that?

[1480] No. It's a mannerism.

[1481] Look, I have a lot of respect for any culture, but I think Hindi is you hold your tongue in a certain way, and when you learn English, that's how some of them speak.

[1482] However, India was a British colony, so a lot of...

[1483] them will speak sort of with an English accent, sort of a combination.

[1484] Yeah, I've heard that too.

[1485] It is fascinating.

[1486] There's a couple of different accents coming over there.

[1487] It's fascinating to think that the whole world, basically like 150 years ago, was equal to the population of India.

[1488] That's right.

[1489] The whole world was like a billion.

[1490] There are more than a billion people now in India.

[1491] India is becoming a huge powerhouse.

[1492] It's such a vast area.

[1493] There was an episode of Anthony Bourdain's show.

[1494] You ever watch that show?

[1495] No. No Reservations?

[1496] No. One of my favorite shows.

[1497] Really?

[1498] I love it.

[1499] It's fun.

[1500] He's really cool.

[1501] He's this guy who's a chef, and he apparently was just a wild punk rocker type chef, and he did a lot of drugs and wrote books about the crazy world of chef lives, and chefs are all getting fucked up after shows.

[1502] There's a lot of blow in the kitchen.

[1503] Yeah, and it's just really hilarious stuff.

[1504] And he goes all around the world eating in these really cool places.

[1505] And everywhere.

[1506] I'd love to do that, actually.

[1507] I love food.

[1508] Oh, dude, you've got to watch the show.

[1509] I completely forgot what we were talking about.

[1510] What were we talking about?

[1511] Buttholes.

[1512] No. No. India.

[1513] India.

[1514] And how vast it's becoming.

[1515] So he went over there and was in India and went on a set of one of these dudes doing those India fucking action movies.

[1516] Like how many movies did they film over there?

[1517] Oh, dude.

[1518] They film insane amounts of movies.

[1519] They make something like five times as many as Hollywood or something like that.

[1520] It's really...

[1521] India has come such a long way.

[1522] In 1975, maybe even in the early 80s, India couldn't feed itself.

[1523] Really?

[1524] India couldn't feed itself.

[1525] Now India is a huge exporter of grain and rice and a lot of other goods.

[1526] India is going to become such a decentralized...

[1527] It's because its government is so ineffective, you could make the argument that India is becoming...

[1528] A huge economic powerhouse.

[1529] Don't finger that while you're talking about India.

[1530] No, no, no, no. That's disrespectful.

[1531] Continue, continue.

[1532] Other India.

[1533] Don't be fingering that thing.

[1534] Every time I think about India.

[1535] He's fingering this.

[1536] Now I can't fuck it.

[1537] That one's off the flashlight.

[1538] That's yours now.

[1539] You own that.

[1540] That's yours.

[1541] You got that one.

[1542] That's all yours.

[1543] Speaking of India and countries in America, Brian, play that fucking crazy Glenn Beck thing.

[1544] I am starting to get concerned.

[1545] Did you email it to me?

[1546] Yes, I emailed it to you.

[1547] I want to hear it.

[1548] This is what I'm getting concerned about.

[1549] I'm getting concerned about this.

[1550] tag team fucking duo of Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin because now they're like combining their retard superpowers and they have even more dummies that are into what they're saying.

[1551] Okay.

[1552] Dude, there was a giant Glenn Beck rally on the anniversary of Martin Luther King's I Have a Dream speech.

[1553] You gotta see this.

[1554] It really is.

[1555] If you haven't seen this, you gotta watch this on YouTube.

[1556] Okay?

[1557] It's Glenn Beck.

[1558] and is pandering at its finest, and he's doing it in front of, it looks like a million white people.

[1559] And they're saying it's only 100 ,000.

[1560] I call it bullshit.

[1561] They're trying to downplay this because they're worried about this motherfucker taking over the world, okay?

[1562] Because the retards are showing up in millions for this dude.

[1563] This dude's got it locked up.

[1564] He's picked up the full retard vibration.

[1565] He knows exactly what they want to hear.

[1566] He's playing them.

[1567] White people are going crazy.

[1568] White people are acting like their minorities.

[1569] Is this a Glenn Beck rally?

[1570] Yes.

[1571] White people are trying to take back the world.

[1572] Watch this.

[1573] Look at this.

[1574] Something that is beyond man is happening.

[1575] America today begins to turn back to God.

[1576] Okay, that motherfucker should be doing tricks right now and handing out a hat.

[1577] Okay?

[1578] He's putting on a fucking show.

[1579] He was a stand -up comic, by the way.

[1580] Yes, he was, and a terrible one.

[1581] He's a genius, though, for retard control.

[1582] He's a genius.

[1583] He pauses, he looks down, he cries.

[1584] There's nothing scarier than dumb people that sound smart.

[1585] He's a sharp -talking, dumb dude.

[1586] He's a dangerous motherfucker.

[1587] You know, people are downplaying this guy.

[1588] This guy is starting to learn how much power he has.

[1589] And it's growing and growing and growing.

[1590] And his power base, as dumb as he is, as crazy as he is, as much sponsors pull off of his show because he says that Obama's a racist, that guy's getting more and more people into it.

[1591] Now play the Palin one.

[1592] Because this is fucking bananas too.

[1593] Bananas!

[1594] There's a thing that's going on in this country where people...

[1595] are happy to be dumb.

[1596] Well, it's fear -based, not thought -based, right?

[1597] It's fear -based, it's not thought -based, and they also want a low bar.

[1598] They enjoy this low bar.

[1599] I wanted to have a dad.

[1600] I wanted to have a dad.

[1601] No, it's not.

[1602] Fast forward it for a couple of steps, and he brings up Sarah Palin.

[1603] Oh, okay, I'm sorry.

[1604] And she's speaking to you today as a mother of someone in the military.

[1605] Ladies and gentlemen...

[1606] This is terrifying.

[1607] This is the chapter in the book where shit gets crazy.

[1608] This is where the earth starts to fucking eat itself.

[1609] This is like our fall of Rome.

[1610] This is the veterinarian music.

[1611] This is our fall of Rome.

[1612] Really dumb people are trying to hijack the country.

[1613] Oh, my God.

[1614] Nationalism, huh?

[1615] Oh, my God.

[1616] What an honor.

[1617] What an honor.

[1618] We stand today at the symbolic crossroads of our nation's history.

[1619] And all around us are monuments to those who have sustained us over the years in word or deed.

[1620] There in the distance stands the monument to the father of our country.

[1621] And behind me, the towering presence of the great emancipator.

[1622] There's a billion white people out there.

[1623] Look at all those white people.

[1624] There's probably one black guy and he's just crying because he's so happy there's so many white people around him because he loves white people.

[1625] where we are so honored to stand.

[1626] Oh, shut it off.

[1627] Shut it off.

[1628] I can't take it.

[1629] I can't take it.

[1630] She's not good.

[1631] I can't take it.

[1632] She's terrifying, man. That bitch is frightening the fuck out of me. Her and him together.

[1633] Because I believe when I look at Sarah Palin, I never even see a platform.

[1634] I don't see a philosophy.

[1635] I see ambition.

[1636] That's all I see.

[1637] Ambition for power.

[1638] That's scary to me, man. That scares the fucking shit out of me. History's littered with demigods who ended up doing terrible things.

[1639] In the name of what?

[1640] Our team and the truth.

[1641] And the truth with a capital T. And we all have this desire to have someone lead.

[1642] We all have this feeling where we need someone who's smarter and wiser, who represents us.

[1643] And when you're really fucking dumb, the problem is really dumb people, they get a say in everything too.

[1644] And they're subject to a lot of tricks.

[1645] They're subject to nationalism.

[1646] They're subject to these kind of ridiculous rah, rah, rah America speeches that don't say jack shit.

[1647] They say nothing.

[1648] It's all just this cheerleading fucking event.

[1649] And they're subject to it.

[1650] My team versus your team.

[1651] Yeah, they can't help it.

[1652] They're dumb.

[1653] They don't know they're being bullshitted.

[1654] They grew up around dumb people.

[1655] They go to work with dumb people.

[1656] There's no one in their family that's interesting or asks any questions at all, and they just get sucked right into it, man. And she seems to speak real good.

[1657] She seems like a normal person.

[1658] There was a scientist who I heard talking, I think it was on NPR somewhere, and he was saying that human beings are...

[1659] What is the word?

[1660] Human beings are cognitively selective, okay, naturally.

[1661] So what we'll do is when we have, we already have a point of view based on our childhood, based on our experiences, and we have a strong point of view.

[1662] And what happens is we're listening to a speech or we're listening to a philosophy or reading a book.

[1663] We'll cherry pick only the facts that support and bolster our argument.

[1664] And one of the difficult things to do as you get older, and I think that's very important to do, is to always step back and take a look at the flaws in your own argument.

[1665] in the flaws of your own philosophy, and in the paradigm that you carry around with you.

[1666] That's how you grow.

[1667] Take a look, a critical and honest look at yourself all the time.

[1668] That's my favorite thing about you.

[1669] You've always been so ridiculously critical and honest with yourself.

[1670] Not critical, but just always very honest, always reassessing.

[1671] I've always seen that with you.

[1672] You can make mistakes, man. You can make mistakes because of emotions.

[1673] You can make mistakes because of insecurities.

[1674] It's huge.

[1675] It's very powerful to look at other people and go, you know what?

[1676] I fucked up.

[1677] I fucked up.

[1678] I'm sorry.

[1679] I fucked up.

[1680] You never look bad when you're honest and vulnerable.

[1681] a wild person like I know you are and I've been subject to being you know I mean I'm not very good at normal life you know when you're you're living like a wild person you know basically a comic does whatever the fuck they want man you're living as a professional comic you know and everybody else is is connected to some sort of a grid and you're you're living wild and crazy you're you're liable to do some crazy shit you're liable to find yourself with some weird situations a little too many many in time when nobody watching for a man is a bad situation yeah yeah look i got all this cash nobody's looking and i'm in vegas you can be nuts you can make mistakes you know It's so easy to make mistakes.

[1682] Well, there's this Zen poet that wrote a really cool poetic book called One Continuous Mistake, and that's what she calls life.

[1683] Life is one continuous mistake.

[1684] Well, it is.

[1685] It's like jujitsu.

[1686] You start out, you get tapped all the time, and eventually you get a little bit better at not getting tapped.

[1687] Eventually you start tapping people, but there's always going to be more.

[1688] It never ends.

[1689] Always going to be more.

[1690] It doesn't go away.

[1691] It just gets bigger and bigger and crazier and crazier.

[1692] It doesn't end.

[1693] Do you ever surf, by the way?

[1694] No, but I went boogie boarding in Hawaii, and it was fucking awesome.

[1695] I did not think it would be so viscerally satisfying.

[1696] I was just in France for nine days in the south of France called Biarritz.

[1697] Don't worry about it.

[1698] My buddy made a fortune in the banking industry.

[1699] You say this, it makes me so attracted to you.

[1700] I know.

[1701] The point is, the point is.

[1702] that I look, number one, great in a wetsuit, but I took lessons from the current French national champion.

[1703] God damn.

[1704] Third day, he had me on a wave.

[1705] Holy shit.

[1706] I surfed five waves.

[1707] I was like, this is the greatest experience of my life.

[1708] But he was a huge part of catching waves, a huge part of being a great surfer.

[1709] Right.

[1710] is understanding exactly how to read the ocean.

[1711] It's being able to catch the wave and the right wave.

[1712] And that takes literally so much.

[1713] It takes rhythm.

[1714] It takes patience.

[1715] It takes strength.

[1716] I'm glad I didn't start surfing when I was younger because I would have been out there now with no resume and a guy who could surf tubes because that is addictive, man. Dude, don't tell me about it.

[1717] I'm terrified.

[1718] Oh, my God.

[1719] You know, that's what everybody does.

[1720] Really?

[1721] Surprise!

[1722] That's what they do.

[1723] I mean, surfer culture is connected so deep with weed.

[1724] Have you seen Riding Giants?

[1725] No. I can't believe you haven't seen Riding Giants.

[1726] What is it?

[1727] Can you just put it up on YouTube?

[1728] Well, it's Laird Hamilton.

[1729] They surf tiny waves.

[1730] Oh, I did see that.

[1731] Waves that are six to nine stories high.

[1732] Mexico, right?

[1733] All over the world.

[1734] They go in the middle of the ocean.

[1735] I didn't understand how crazy this was until I went to Hawaii and did boogie boarding.

[1736] Dude, the waves, when they surf giants, they move at 35 miles an hour, so you have to be totally high.

[1737] Oh, my God.

[1738] If you fall, Laird Hamilton was riding.

[1739] He was riding, and they said if he had fallen that wave, there's a 50 % chance he would have just fallen.

[1740] died you don't come up because when you fall there's another wave that six stories hide behind you waiting to hit you again and you then sent 100 yards into the ocean oh my god they don't even have life vests on life vest oh my god surf that tube or you die america no let's find out they did have life vests did they No, they didn't.

[1741] They definitely didn't.

[1742] Oh, my God.

[1743] You can't have a life vest because then you can't dive under the water and be saved.

[1744] Oh, my God.

[1745] Dude, riding giants.

[1746] Oh, my God.

[1747] You can't have a life vest.

[1748] The fucking waves are 90 feet high.

[1749] They do.

[1750] No, they don't.

[1751] No, they don't.

[1752] They're doing this video.

[1753] You're not allowed to wear a light.

[1754] Those are the guys on the jet skis, not the guys surfing.

[1755] Isn't that a life vest?

[1756] No, that's not a life vest, dude.

[1757] Do you know what that is?

[1758] What is it?

[1759] That's a pad for when they hit the ground.

[1760] They don't get the wind knocked out of them.

[1761] Go to sleep.

[1762] Go to sleep.

[1763] Yeah, a lot of dudes get paralyzed, man. That's Laird Hamilton right there surfing a wave.

[1764] You've got to talk into the microphone.

[1765] That's Laird Hamilton surfing a wave that if he had fallen, he wouldn't have made it.

[1766] Okay, and the video is entitled Riding Giants.

[1767] You can find it on YouTube.

[1768] Oh, my.

[1769] God.

[1770] It's Laird Hamilton.

[1771] It actually said, oh, my God.

[1772] That's hilarious.

[1773] I said, oh, my God.

[1774] Damn.

[1775] And this guy's the first big rider.

[1776] There was a Hurricane 5 or something in Hawaii, and he went out on the water and surfed.

[1777] Until you go into the water just to swim, all this is very abstract.

[1778] You don't realize the power of the ocean.

[1779] I know a lot of people that have never swam in the ocean before.

[1780] You ever get caught in a wave or in a tide where you get pulled back?

[1781] That's scary as fuck, man. Oh, my God.

[1782] The ocean's so strong.

[1783] Dude, that is scary as fuck when you get caught in a tide.

[1784] Those guys never lose their respect for the ocean.

[1785] Never, ever.

[1786] It's like if you surf in that crab fishing, if you fall in that water, you've got about five minutes before hypothermia and you die.

[1787] Five minutes.

[1788] Like a cord in a helicopter.

[1789] Like rent a helicopter to follow you around with like a safety cord just in case if you get fucked up they can pull you.

[1790] Because you can't do that.

[1791] Because the thing about surfing, when you're surfing waves that are six stories high, is you have to have the ability to dive under the water.

[1792] If you tried to be like just a helicopter or a thing to hold you there and you got caught in that wave, first of all...

[1793] It would break the cord.

[1794] It would break the cord or it would rip you in half.

[1795] Those waves, when you get caught in those waves, if you're unlucky enough, you'll get sent underwater 20 feet and thrown a football field.

[1796] Oh, my God, dude.

[1797] Listen to what he said.

[1798] Thrown a football field.

[1799] A football field underwater flying at 30 miles an hour.

[1800] Yeah, you're in a washing machine.

[1801] Oh, my God.

[1802] Oh, what's that?

[1803] A boulder.

[1804] There's your head, stupid.

[1805] That's it.

[1806] That's a wrap, son.

[1807] Dead.

[1808] Forever.

[1809] Oh, they die all the time, man. They die all the time.

[1810] This one dude off of San Francisco would paddle out a half a mile.

[1811] Oh, my God.

[1812] And there were sharks.

[1813] He'd have a wetsuit.

[1814] And there was a wave that was...

[1815] They breed up there.

[1816] That's where the sharks breed.

[1817] For 15 years, he surfed that alone in an early morning.

[1818] And would surf waves that were literally six stories, eight stories high.

[1819] Oh, my God.

[1820] And the first day, everybody, they brought, Surfer Magazine brought a bunch of the best surfers out there.

[1821] One guy died.

[1822] San Francisco has waves that high?

[1823] Oh, yeah.

[1824] Really?

[1825] There's a break where the waves are tidal waves.

[1826] Really?

[1827] Tidal waves.

[1828] Is it only in the winter?

[1829] I can't believe you haven't seen this movie.

[1830] I'm terrified.

[1831] I'm terrified of getting...

[1832] Riding giants.

[1833] There's two things that I've always been terrified of.

[1834] Golf.

[1835] and surfing.

[1836] When I had my problem with pool, where I was playing pool 8 -10 hours a day, it was a massive obsession, but it was also fun as fuck.

[1837] There's something really rewarding about getting good at pool.

[1838] I never got to professional level, but I got decent where I could run out if I had an open shot.

[1839] When I was playing 8 -10 hours a day, you get these crazy rewards for figuring out racks.

[1840] It's really like we're little junkies for some chemical that you get when you run out.

[1841] It's a difficult thing to do, so you get this weird, like, I figured it out reward.

[1842] Like you're figuring out life.

[1843] Meanwhile, you're just stuck in a room knocking balls into a hole like a retard.

[1844] But your brain is being flooded with this reward chemical.

[1845] And it gives you the ability to solve problems and use patience and try to come up with creative solutions.

[1846] Even though it seems to be just like balls on a table with six holes, what it really is is you've got to be careful.

[1847] creative in solving solutions and be rational in how you do it and control the ball.

[1848] It's very, very, very addictive.

[1849] But I know golf is too, so I've been terrified of golf.

[1850] Because everybody I know that's smart, they get into it.

[1851] They knock a ball.

[1852] They're like, it's exciting.

[1853] It's fun.

[1854] It's so rewarding.

[1855] I'm like, no, no, no. My father takes lessons.

[1856] He goes to camps.

[1857] Yeah, see?

[1858] He's nuts.

[1859] And golf apparently is way more popular than pool.

[1860] So if that's the case, then it's got to be even more rewarding.

[1861] It doesn't make sense, right?

[1862] No doubt.

[1863] You're outside.

[1864] You're outside.

[1865] First of all, the setting.

[1866] And it's never – all you're doing is swinging.

[1867] Just swing the club.

[1868] That's what cigars are all about too.

[1869] Cigars are all about two things.

[1870] When you're lounging after you had a big fat steak.

[1871] Or like if you're out with just a bunch of dudes and you know there's no chicks and just like – Or if you want to stink up a restaurant.

[1872] Let's stink and I'm going to enjoy this.

[1873] I'm going to enjoy this.

[1874] I'm going to knock this ball around.

[1875] I'm going to talk some shit.

[1876] I'm going to tell you about this porno that I jacked off to the other day.

[1877] Right.

[1878] I can say everything I want.

[1879] I can say everything I want.

[1880] When you get married, especially if you're a civilian, if you get married and you have kids and you're at home all day or after you get off work, you're at work all day, you have to – adhere to one code then you get home and you have to adhere to another code because you're not allowed to swear on the baby right you know you don't get much chance to cut loose and tell stinky pussy stories from high school smell my finger i remember that dude dude dude smell this how many guys have told you stinky pussy stories and you've been captivated like it was a goddamn stephen king book Because we've all had these stories.

[1881] Eddie Bravo has the best one.

[1882] He was having sex with a girl and she had a yeast infection and her feet smelled at the same time.

[1883] And he was having sex with her in a truck.

[1884] He was like fucking her in an SUV.

[1885] And he had to open up the window and stick his head out.

[1886] It's hilarious.

[1887] And he tells it.

[1888] It's brilliant.

[1889] I think he actually told it in one of the podcasts, one of the past ones.

[1890] Did he?

[1891] You know what's funny?

[1892] You know what's funny is I've been told about Opie and Anthony.

[1893] I've been in those situations where it's been, you know, like to use Jim Norton's joke, it smelled like an open grave.

[1894] Literally, I was like, I was like, it was an open grave.

[1895] I've been in those situations where I've been like, this is the worst smell I've ever, I might catch a disease, and guess what?

[1896] I keep going.

[1897] It smells worse than shit.

[1898] Girls will be like, oh my god.

[1899] I'm like, whatever.

[1900] The worst is when a girl doesn't react to the fact that it's happening.

[1901] You don't address it?

[1902] This girl I know had a really stinky pussy and I would know I was going to eat her pussy out.

[1903] I still wanted to do it.

[1904] So I just gargled before I did and kept a little gargle in my mouth and just kind of spit it on her pussy.

[1905] You just spit Lysol on her pussy.

[1906] Actually, it's kind of genius.

[1907] Why is it so tingly?

[1908] It makes it wet, too.

[1909] Oh, Jesus.

[1910] It's minty.

[1911] It's delicious.

[1912] It just probably smelled like shit with Listerine.

[1913] And then the Listerine burns the shit out of your aletra.

[1914] Oh, God.

[1915] Probably killed their chances of having babies.

[1916] No cavities, either.

[1917] I'm allergic to a spermicide on condoms, man. Really?

[1918] Yeah.

[1919] What does it do to your dick?

[1920] I haven't worn a condom since the 80s, but the point is...

[1921] I saw one once and I broke out in the hives.

[1922] Dude, I get that.

[1923] That detergent gets in my pee hole.

[1924] Holy shit, man. I'm done.

[1925] I pee for the next, like, you know, fucking.

[1926] Maybe that's gonorrhea.

[1927] Anyway.

[1928] No, but I mean, for real, man. I'm allergic to that shit.

[1929] Yeah, man. There's a lot of goddamn chemicals that aren't good for your system.

[1930] Well, we're exposed to so many different chemicals all the time.

[1931] Yeah.

[1932] It's amazing.

[1933] Yeah, what do you think about fluoride in the water?

[1934] Is that all bullshit?

[1935] I think it's all bullshit.

[1936] What do you think?

[1937] You think fluoride's healthy to be drinking?

[1938] I think it's been around for 40, 50 years, and we've had a pretty good control group, judging from what we've seen.

[1939] And, nah, I don't think it's...

[1940] You don't think it has any effect?

[1941] I don't know.

[1942] I don't think any of these things have effect until they are combined with.

[1943] I think what happens with the human body is we get exposed by countless chemicals, and who knows what they're like in common.

[1944] combination.

[1945] Hydrogen and oxygen, if you put them together in the right combination, they form water.

[1946] It's the same thing with anything.

[1947] Cigarettes and birth control can be deadly.

[1948] Truly, people die.

[1949] Girls die if they are smoking cigarettes and they take birth control.

[1950] They get blood clots.

[1951] They can go into stroke.

[1952] For me, that's always what it is.

[1953] It's a question of what are we being exposed to?

[1954] What is the umbrella of chemicals?

[1955] When is that happening?

[1956] What are the windows for it?

[1957] It's complicated.

[1958] It's very complicated.

[1959] The body, what I've found is I've always been really into health and I've always been really into especially keeping my energy where I need it.

[1960] And as I got older, I would always take different things.

[1961] I'd try supplements and I'd try this and more protein.

[1962] And what I find actually for me is if I get enough sleep and then I eat just enough, your stomach is the size of a softball, the adult stomach.

[1963] The adult male stomach is the size of a softball.

[1964] If I eat just controlling my portions and eating good, real food, As long as I get enough sleep, sometimes that's all I need, just personally, for me. It's just a question of...

[1965] I can't remember what the hell we're even talking about.

[1966] He got too stoned.

[1967] You were talking about going.

[1968] That's exactly why.

[1969] You went on a tangent.

[1970] That's what happened.

[1971] You were talking about if you go to the Applebee's, just use your palm of your thumb.

[1972] If you could fit the food on there, just eat that.

[1973] That's all you need.

[1974] Yeah, yeah.

[1975] Good luck.

[1976] That is true.

[1977] I mean, I always feel better when I have small meals throughout the day.

[1978] I don't feel like as lethargic, but I'm a glutton.

[1979] and I will sit down and eat immense portions of food.

[1980] I've been eating a lot of steak lately, like all day.

[1981] Tell me about it.

[1982] When I work out, if I do kettlebells or if I do jiu -jitsu, I just come home and eat steak.

[1983] It's pretty bad for you, right?

[1984] No, it's not.

[1985] Meat's not bad for you at all.

[1986] There's no evidence.

[1987] I don't think meat is bad for you.

[1988] I think meat is bad for you if you don't exercise.

[1989] I think meat's bad for you if you don't also eat vegetables and things like that, maybe.

[1990] But I think, you know...

[1991] There's another thing that I read in this silly quote that I'm going to give you that I don't know if I could back up.

[1992] It was in the same book about all people over 100 that lived to be over 100, almost all of them were red mediators.

[1993] Well, that's actually, if you go to TED .com and the guy who studied the six blue zones in the world where people live well over 100 years old.

[1994] And one is in Sardinia.

[1995] The other is in Okinawa.

[1996] The other is actually the Seventh -day Adventists who live out in Montana.

[1997] And he just took a look at these six different blue zones.

[1998] What's the common thread?

[1999] All of them ate meat, actually.

[2000] Fish.

[2001] Most of them eat some kind of a, no, most of them, all of them eat meat, fish, whether it's fish or meat.

[2002] And all of them, there are a couple other things that they do.

[2003] But the other thing is a lot of them eat fermented things.

[2004] like yogurt and stuff like that.

[2005] That's very important.

[2006] And in their culture, they also all have something to live for.

[2007] They all have a reason they get up every morning.

[2008] And a religious reason?

[2009] Oh, no, I'm sorry.

[2010] The other major thing, I'm sorry, the major thing that he found had nothing to do with religion.

[2011] It had to do with how connected those communities were.

[2012] Connection, they find, when people have strong, bonded communities.

[2013] in villages and things like that, where they take care of each other and where even if somebody doesn't do as well, if there's a cultural sort of notion that it doesn't matter, you take care of that person, you make them feel safe.

[2014] Those are the longest lived people.

[2015] And in the book, The Outliers, where he looks at this place called Rosetto.

[2016] which was this village in Italy called Rosetta, founded this in the foothills of Pennsylvania.

[2017] They created this community, built churches, and they would all move from the marble quarries and move there, and then there was a marble quarry close to there.

[2018] So this town, Rosetta.

[2019] So this doctor went there to do this convention, and he was talking to another doctor who had been practicing in Rosetta for a long time.

[2020] And this was in 1961.

[2021] And he said, you know, I've got to tell you, these people cook with lard.

[2022] A lot of them are overweight.

[2023] They all come from the same part of Italy, and none of them die of heart disease.

[2024] They die of old age.

[2025] That's weird because heart disease right now is an epidemic in our country.

[2026] So let's go study it.

[2027] So he took a bunch of people, and they were studying it.

[2028] They were like, maybe they come from a really hearty stock.

[2029] But the problem was the people that would move out of that town and go to another town would die of heart disease.

[2030] So he's like, that doesn't – so it's not a genetic hearty stock, although people there live long.

[2031] He said, what is it?

[2032] They're eating – they're not even cooking with olive oil anymore.

[2033] They're cooking with lard, and they do exercise, but they don't exercise.

[2034] And what they found was that they had a really, really strong community and that they all had this incredible support system.

[2035] So if somebody didn't make as much money or was a little slow, they still felt loved.

[2036] And when they would go to these medical conventions, they started trying to talk about health in terms of community.

[2037] In other words, human beings, yeah, you need to control your cholesterol and your fat, and there's a science behind it.

[2038] There's also what is obviously very important for human beings for longevity is connected.

[2039] feeling connected, feeling like they have connection and that they're loved.

[2040] It's like Avatar, bro.

[2041] Yes, it is.

[2042] And I'm a Na 'vi.

[2043] I think it's just because they're so happy they get to fuck Asian women.

[2044] So that's why, you know, all these different places, the hottest women, the happiness.

[2045] You like Asian women?

[2046] Yes.

[2047] A lot of Asian.

[2048] That's a terrible theory, bro.

[2049] Actually, I believe it's just lean fish because don't you always think about that?

[2050] I think health definitely has something to do with it.

[2051] Diet has something to do with it.

[2052] And Italians, a lot of parts of Italy, they eat a lot of seafood, a lot of fish, a lot of fresh fish.

[2053] A lot of vegetables.

[2054] Not anymore.

[2055] What we think of as American Italian food, like meatballs and sausages and stuff like that.

[2056] I mean, they have that in Italy, but that's not really Italian food.

[2057] A lot of Italian food is seafood.

[2058] Right.

[2059] Like Il Grano, that place you took us to.

[2060] Brian introduced me to this really great restaurant.

[2061] It's in Santa Monica or West L .A.?

[2062] It's in West L .A. on Purdue in Santa Monica called Il Grano.

[2063] Great restaurant.

[2064] And the dude goes to the fish market every morning at 6 o 'clock in the morning and gets what's fresh.

[2065] It's unbelievable.

[2066] He's a bad motherfucker.

[2067] What's his name?

[2068] Sal.

[2069] Marino.

[2070] Yeah, and he has these nine course dinners.

[2071] If you got the cheddar, if you could afford this shit, son.

[2072] Crazy expensive.

[2073] It's expensive.

[2074] But you know what?

[2075] It is an experience.

[2076] The dude is like an artist.

[2077] The dude's an artist.

[2078] He's a maestro.

[2079] He goes to the fish market.

[2080] He prepares all the meals himself.

[2081] He's fanatical.

[2082] The dude's dedicated to it.

[2083] Comes over to the table, introduces himself, talks to you, chats to you, explains to you what each different thing is, why they're together, because this gives you one certain kind of taste.

[2084] He grows, I think, 36 different kinds of tomatoes in his yard.

[2085] He's a maniac.

[2086] Yeah, he's a bad motherfucker.

[2087] He's a nut.

[2088] What's the name again?

[2089] He lives for food and lives for the details.

[2090] It's called Ilgrano.

[2091] Ilgrano.

[2092] I -L -G -R -A -N -O.

[2093] Yeah, it's on Purdue in Santa Monica Boulevard.

[2094] Bad, badass.

[2095] In West LA.

[2096] You know, that's one of the things about watching that Anthony Bourdain show.

[2097] I've always loved good restaurants, but I never really understood what was going on behind the scenes until I watched his show.

[2098] And I was like, wow, what a fucking...

[2099] He would bring you backstage to where all the Mexicans are, and he was in New York City, and he was like, this is the back...

[2100] bone of all the best restaurants, all the best chefs.

[2101] He goes, they're these Mexican guys.

[2102] Dude, they work so hard.

[2103] Those guys work so hard.

[2104] Super expensive restaurants.

[2105] I don't know what it is in the culture, Mexican culture, but I really have always been so impressed with how hard these dudes work.

[2106] They bust their ass.

[2107] People are like, I am anti -immigration.

[2108] Dude, these guys work their ass off, man. They're nice people too, man. Look, Mexicans in LA, you're not going to have any more...

[2109] like assholes in the Mexican community per capita than you would in the white community or the black community.

[2110] There's always assholes per capita, you know, and I know a lot of cool Mexicans, man. I love Mexican food.

[2111] I'm not really into the music.

[2112] They can keep that music.

[2113] You keep that mariachi sun.

[2114] I would have to.

[2115] I would have to.

[2116] I love you.

[2117] Your food is awesome.

[2118] Your people are cool as fuck.

[2119] You make the best boxers ever.

[2120] All my favorite boxers.

[2121] Julio Cesar Chavez, my number one favorite boxer of all time.

[2122] Mexican.

[2123] Did you ever see a movie called Amoros Peros?

[2124] You know what?

[2125] I have that on DVD.

[2126] That's one of those.

[2127] It's one of my favorite movies.

[2128] That's one of my favorite.

[2129] Written and directed by a Mexican guy, Guillermo something.

[2130] I think that fucking Passion of the Christ.

[2131] cured me of anything with subtitles.

[2132] Oh, no, dude, you've got to see it.

[2133] I know, it's a great movie, I'm sure.

[2134] I saw those.

[2135] You'd love it, man. Yeah, he did, what other movie did he do?

[2136] He did Pan's Labyrinth, I think.

[2137] Oh, that's Guillermo del Toro, then.

[2138] Yeah.

[2139] Yeah, dude, Pan's Labyrinth is a badass.

[2140] He's a badass.

[2141] Although, I did not like his book, man. I read his book, The Strain.

[2142] I didn't read it.

[2143] Oh, so disappointing, because it started out so badass.

[2144] It's a vampire book, and it starts out where this plane lands, and everyone on the plane is dead.

[2145] They've all been jacked by a vampire.

[2146] The vampire flew in from another country and killed everyone on the plane and landed the plane and they couldn't communicate with the plane and they didn't know what the fuck to do.

[2147] It starts out badass.

[2148] Where you're like, whoa, where's this going?

[2149] But at the end of the book, it's like, and then he killed this one and this one came out and he killed him.

[2150] It's almost like they ran it.

[2151] Let's just finish this fucking book.

[2152] This is stupid.

[2153] Vampires on a plane.

[2154] I would love it if they rewrote.

[2155] I really wish they would go back and pick up where you got in like 30, 40 % in.

[2156] Let's try it again.

[2157] Let's try the end again.

[2158] Let's try another ending.

[2159] What was the movie?

[2160] There wasn't one movie that scared the shit out of you more than anything else.

[2161] The Blair Witch Project scared the fuck out of me, man. When it first came out, yeah.

[2162] Twice.

[2163] Two times.

[2164] Two times.

[2165] The first time it scared me is because me and Chris McGuire went to go see it in Houston, Texas.

[2166] We were performing at the Laugh Stop, and these dudes who worked across the street at the movie theater came over to the show, and this was like...

[2167] pre -fear factor.

[2168] You know, as I was on news radio, very few people really knew who I was, but I had a good following in Texas for some strange reason.

[2169] And these guys came over after the show and go, hey man, you want to go watch the Blair Witch Project?

[2170] We work at the movie theater.

[2171] We'll turn it on.

[2172] We'll all go hang out there.

[2173] And we're like, fuck it.

[2174] Yeah, let's go.

[2175] So me and Chris McGuire go across the street with these two dudes and this dude's girlfriend and watch the Blair Witch Project at two o 'clock in the morning on a Saturday night after the midnight show.

[2176] And it was fucking scary, man. Because first of all, it was scary because I didn't know what this movie was about.

[2177] I didn't know if it was a hoax.

[2178] I'm sensing bullshit.

[2179] I'm sensing acting.

[2180] I go, this is a...

[2181] this is not real.

[2182] They're not trying to say this is real.

[2183] I knew almost nothing about it.

[2184] I just heard.

[2185] That woman they see.

[2186] Dude, it was fucking scary.

[2187] It was scary.

[2188] I mean, it was obviously, I was laughing.

[2189] See, the problem is I saw that little video when everybody told me it was bullshit.

[2190] Oh, no. You've seen that before.

[2191] That was the first time it scared me. The second time it scared me is when I took...

[2192] I don't remember who I was dating at the time.

[2193] But I took this girl to go see it with me. And when I took her to go see it with me, as I was, oh, it was Jessica.

[2194] And as we were watching it, there was a dude who had his kid there.

[2195] And his kid was making so much fucking noise.

[2196] And the kid was like six or five or six or something like that.

[2197] I don't know why people bring their kids to those movies.

[2198] And so I shushed him.

[2199] I went like, shh.

[2200] And this Mexican dude freaked the fuck out on me. And he was like, motherfucker, don't shush my kid, motherfucker.

[2201] You know, fucking bitch.

[2202] Straight up, bitch.

[2203] I'll kick your ass, bitch.

[2204] And I'm like, oh.

[2205] what are we going to deal with here?

[2206] What the fuck am I going to deal with here?

[2207] So you know what I did?

[2208] I said nothing.

[2209] I just looked at the dude and said nothing.

[2210] And I tried to think about what's going to happen here.

[2211] Is this guy going to have a gun?

[2212] What have I put myself in?

[2213] What kind of a situation am I putting myself into here?

[2214] Yeah, worst case scenario, best case scenario, you have to beat him up in front of his kid, which would suck.

[2215] This guy was yelling at me. So he didn't give a fuck that there's hundreds of people in this movie theater.

[2216] That's the craziest thing about L .A. You never know when you're going to run into someone who's completely out of their fucking mind.

[2217] And with his kid.

[2218] And people with their kids are crazy, man. And this dude, I was looking at him, he's like, oh, fleshy and chubby.

[2219] I'm like, this is not like a dude who wants to fight.

[2220] It's like a dude who wants to shoot me. That's a scary thing about how many people in L .A. have guns.

[2221] The type of person who will just come at you that aggressively out of nowhere.

[2222] When you look, really, it's his fault.

[2223] If that was me and my kid was, and someone went, shh.

[2224] I had been like, sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

[2225] Come on, let's go.

[2226] We got to go.

[2227] We got to go.

[2228] We got to take you out of here until you calm down.

[2229] Right.

[2230] But this motherfucker.

[2231] Not a very rational guy.

[2232] This motherfucker yelled at me, man. It was like, whoa, this is not good.

[2233] So then I was scared twice by the Blair Witch Project.

[2234] That's the second time.

[2235] That is the problem.

[2236] Second time, much scarier.

[2237] Every time I thought about that movie, I thought about that dude.

[2238] I saw a shooting.

[2239] I was on Vermont.

[2240] I was on Vermont, literally, like, right near the 10th.

[2241] You actually saw the shooting happen?

[2242] I saw the shooting.

[2243] I was in traffic.

[2244] It was, like, about 4 in the afternoon.

[2245] And these dudes get out of the car and go, goo, goo, goo, goo, goo.

[2246] And he empties a clip, a clock, into this other car.

[2247] Misses the car.

[2248] Oh, my God.

[2249] And then he stands there and looks.

[2250] And I remember he had his glasses, his sunglasses on the back of his head.

[2251] And he stands there and looks.

[2252] And he's looking like that.

[2253] And he just casually, casually walks back.

[2254] And I go.

[2255] holy shit.

[2256] I'm like, watch this.

[2257] I'm stuck in traffic when this happens.

[2258] I turn and a cop is right next to me. And I go, did you see that?

[2259] And the cop goes, what?

[2260] And I go, that guy just emptied his clip.

[2261] That car there emptied his clip into that car.

[2262] The dude had come around this way and went off.

[2263] And the guy goes like this.

[2264] The cop goes, over there?

[2265] I go, yeah.

[2266] And he goes, right.

[2267] And he grabs a...

[2268] And then the traffic started to move.

[2269] And I'm like, do you want to go ahead?

[2270] So had he not seen it?

[2271] He didn't see it.

[2272] And he was right next to me. And the guy emptied the clip.

[2273] But outside, it sounded like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

[2274] But you figure, is it construction?

[2275] And I turn, I see a guy emptying a gun.

[2276] Wait a minute.

[2277] A cop should know what a goddamn gun sounds like.

[2278] I bet you he didn't hear it.

[2279] He had Bluetooth on, probably.

[2280] His window rolled up.

[2281] You don't hear it.

[2282] You know what?

[2283] Yeah, especially if he's listening to the radio with the window rolled up.

[2284] And the dude just emptied the clip right there, and they got away.

[2285] No problem.

[2286] I kept driving, and then he kind of pulled the other way, and I was like, well, there it goes.

[2287] So they completely got away.

[2288] They completely got away.

[2289] How much investigation do you think is done to that?

[2290] Zero.

[2291] Really?

[2292] Zero.

[2293] Really?

[2294] They got to file a report.

[2295] There's too many people out here.

[2296] When I was talking about that purse thing and all the cops came, they were like, well, so you got the license plate number?

[2297] And I gave it to him, and he goes, yeah, didn't come up with anything.

[2298] I'm like, well, two of us.

[2299] Two people sell the license plate number.

[2300] Couldn't you use, like, typing in a computer and go, all right, white Mazda.

[2301] You know, these are all the white Mazdas matched with five of the letters, you know, or something like that.

[2302] You know what I mean?

[2303] Do you know how the majority of crimes are still solved?

[2304] How?

[2305] Almost all of them.

[2306] It's never CSI work.

[2307] It's confessions.

[2308] Really?

[2309] Yeah.

[2310] Still, confessions and human interaction and cops who are really good at getting people to just feel safe and saying, look, first they empathize.

[2311] Let's just give them ecstasy.

[2312] I bet everybody would confess.

[2313] Exactly.

[2314] I'm serious.

[2315] Give prisoners ecstasy.

[2316] Just hit them up with two tabs.

[2317] It wouldn't stand up in court, though.

[2318] We need to change the court, then.

[2319] We need to change that.

[2320] Anything that you say under ecstasy, if you're on ecstasy, you're going to tell the truth.

[2321] There are drugs that are better than that, though.

[2322] Are they?

[2323] Way better.

[2324] Yeah, but they don't make you feel good.

[2325] You make someone feel good, they're more likely to tell you everything.

[2326] I think sodium pentothal will make you just relaxed or something.

[2327] If it did, then people would take it at raves.

[2328] Good point.

[2329] They would have sodium pentothal set up at raves.

[2330] Believe me, man. You're right.

[2331] Ecstasy is the shit.

[2332] But after I saw that shooting, I remember I was really depressed, and for three days I said to my buddy, I go, I don't know, man, I feel depressed or something ever since I saw that shooting.

[2333] And my buddy goes, Yeah!

[2334] You're supposed to.

[2335] That's normal to feel really scared and depressed when you see someone trying to kill someone else.

[2336] You know, they prescribe ecstasy for people that have got post -traumatic stress disorder?

[2337] Makes sense.

[2338] Yeah.

[2339] That's one of the things that they say that it's a beneficial thing.

[2340] By the way, I only took ecstasy once.

[2341] Let's just specify.

[2342] I've said this before.

[2343] I've taken it twice.

[2344] It was scary.

[2345] I would never do it again.

[2346] I did not like how I felt the next day.

[2347] The next day, I was so dumb.

[2348] I couldn't read.

[2349] I literally couldn't read.

[2350] I got a cold.

[2351] This is terrible for your body.

[2352] What I'm doing, that was not like.

[2353] mushrooms or anything where I got something out of it but my body felt almost better and like more energized you know you gotta go through a mushroom trip you feel good at the end of it and you feel a little exhausted but you feel good like physically you feel like you've lost a lot of stress you know did they used to prescribe it for or they don't do it now still no you know what people have done therapeutic tests using it you know and there's a lot of evidence that it helps people with all sorts of things in their life, in their past, dealing with things.

[2354] What does even better is Ibogaine.

[2355] Ibogaine is this thing.

[2356] My friend Ed Clay was just telling me how it changed his life.

[2357] Ibogaine is this...

[2358] drug that is illegal in america but legal in mexico so a lot of people go down to mexico to take it and they have these evil gain uh therapy places where they're like some incredibly high percentage over 80 successful in curing people of opiate addiction with virtually no hangover like literally rewires your entire brain it's supposed to be like one of the most intensely introspective uh experiences a human being could go through like my friend ed said that it was like He relearned his whole life, like literally went back over things that he did when he was a child and the things that his father said to him when he was young that made him today.

[2359] But graphically, in high detail, like you're watching it in a film, and brilliantly demonstrates all the areas in your life where you're behaving and acting in a certain way.

[2360] And what this addiction really is, is some sort of a hole in the way your mind has been wired.

[2361] almost like sets everything, resets everything, and lets everything jingle into place and you get a much better map of what your mind is and how your mind works.

[2362] And it's like hugely successful in curing people of heroin addiction.

[2363] Wow.

[2364] It's illegal in this country, but he said...

[2365] He said it completely changed his life.

[2366] He started thinking about how his relationships with his family and all his childhood shit and just saved the way he thinks.

[2367] So he just feels so much more loving and friendly and cool and kind.

[2368] He had like an air of relief about him.

[2369] It was really kind of cool.

[2370] That's wild.

[2371] Yeah.

[2372] Illegal in America.

[2373] Why would you want to get enlightened?

[2374] We don't have room for that.

[2375] No, we've got room for Big Macs.

[2376] We've got no room for enlightenment.

[2377] There are a million people going to see Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin at the fucking Washington Monument on the eve of the Martin Luther King I Have a Dream speech.

[2378] We have no room for enlightenment.

[2379] We don't have any room for you here.

[2380] You can do that in Mexico if you like.

[2381] If you want to deal with the drug cartels, you know they behead people.

[2382] You know that humanitarian bunch.

[2383] Yeah, you want to go down there and see God?

[2384] Mexicans have been rocking it for a long time, man. Mexicans were rocking it in mushrooms way before we figured it out.

[2385] Well, it's like peyote.

[2386] Joseph Campbell wrote this book about why peyote came into existence.

[2387] And when the Native Americans, the peyote Indians, were losing all their land, including even their animals, their mythology was all wrapped up in the buffalo and the animals around them.

[2388] And when we went through that in the 80s, I mean, in the 1800s, when they were essentially laying in the railroad and shooting all the buffalo and lacing the body with strychnine and all the other animals.

[2389] would eat it and you had 50 500 million animals they thought they think probably died in the space of 20 years it used to look like the plains of africa and when the peyotes realized that they're everything to their mythology think about this all your whole mythology everything you used to that you based your Coulteron is, the animals themselves are gone.

[2390] Wiped out in two generations.

[2391] Two generations.

[2392] It was 20 years.

[2393] Not two generations, it was 20 years.

[2394] And when that happens on such a drastic level, they started taking the peyote to go within their consciousness to find that nostalgia for something that's beyond themselves.

[2395] Wait a minute, so peyote use only started when...

[2396] Only started in the 1800s with the peyote Indians.

[2397] Really?

[2398] Yeah.

[2399] That's fascinating.

[2400] I did not know that.

[2401] That is fascinating.

[2402] Now, indigenous people have always taken various, I'm sure the peyote knew about that particular, maybe it was just for the shaman.

[2403] Mexicans were, they had shamans and they were big with cubensis mushrooms thousands of years ago.

[2404] They've had those for a long time.

[2405] Human beings have always, you know.

[2406] The most fascinating thing to me about Mexico is how there are like a thousand Mayan temples they believe that have not been discovered.

[2407] Like they'll go digging up apartment buildings and shit in Mexico City.

[2408] They're like, you know, replacing something, they knock something down.

[2409] and then they have to stop because they find a Mayan temple.

[2410] That's wild.

[2411] That's no bullshit, man. That's amazing.

[2412] How crazy that is.

[2413] They have fucking Mayan temples, and they find them when they're digging up apartment buildings.

[2414] One of the most complex and bizarre cultures to ever exist.

[2415] They used to play football with human heads.

[2416] They made these incredible fucking geometric patterns for structures, yet they didn't even invent shoes.

[2417] They had complex calendars that mapped out their solar system and predicted solar and lunar eclipses.

[2418] That's wild.

[2419] Fucking dude, man. And then they just disappeared.

[2420] It's crazy.

[2421] They don't even know what happened.

[2422] They don't know.

[2423] They don't know.

[2424] They don't know.

[2425] And they know that they used to have a lot of shit written on paper, but it's very difficult to find.

[2426] The way Mayan language is written, too, it's very difficult to decipher because a word to them or a symbol to them actually means a sound.

[2427] Terrence McKenna described it.

[2428] He said that if you said, like, I saw Ant Rose, you would have to have an eyeball, a saw, an ant, and a rose.

[2429] Oh, wow.

[2430] And so that's how you would say, I saw Aunt Rose.

[2431] Wow.

[2432] So it was all phonetic.

[2433] Yeah, so all these little different dudes, little different characters, these weird fucking things that they would draw, and they would put them all together, they all meant different sounds.

[2434] So then you had to figure out, like, okay, it means a certain word, and how does it go with this one?

[2435] In a way, though, you could almost say that's the same thing with actually any language.

[2436] Yes, but it's pictures.

[2437] They're drawings.

[2438] Okay, yeah.

[2439] You know, they're weird.

[2440] I mean, there's little dots and stuff.

[2441] There's certain things that they used to figure out dates.

[2442] But a lot of it is like these weird depictions.

[2443] You know, a fucking moon with an eyeball and a snake.

[2444] And, you know, these things all mean different things.

[2445] It's very strange, man. Damn.

[2446] That'd be really difficult.

[2447] They had this crazy complex society.

[2448] Where's the Rosetta Stone for that?

[2449] Living in the jungle.

[2450] This weird society that was mapping out the heavens.

[2451] You know, I mean, think about that back in the hunter -gatherer days.

[2452] Some of the wonder, though, if that's a product of not so much a culture, but a...

[2453] a set of circumstances, for example, why did Socrates and Plato and Aristotle come out of Greece?

[2454] How did Greece become this hub of civilization?

[2455] Well, a lot of their stuff came from Egypt.

[2456] Well, no, not just that, but the idea was that Greece was a country that because they could export timber, olive oil, and wine, they could actually...

[2457] they didn't have to live on a subsistence level, so they had three months of the year to just sit back and kind of hang out.

[2458] And think about things.

[2459] And think about things.

[2460] Wow.

[2461] So cultures that had the luxury of being able to sell or not only their merchandise or create a system where they could actually be wealthy enough.

[2462] Yeah.

[2463] They had time to sit back and actually think about things.

[2464] So you probably, in Mayan culture, had a similar situation where four or five or six or maybe whatever geniuses, were given room to flourish.

[2465] I'm sure geniuses are born all the time, but they're just not in circumstances where they can flourish or have opportunity.

[2466] And this was a culture that allowed for that, and they came up with, you know, it takes one great mathematician to change everybody's whole world, right?

[2467] It takes one genius architect, one Tesla, and gives rise to all the other scientists who piggyback on that.

[2468] So many people don't even realize, if it wasn't for Nikola Tesla, we'd probably be living back like they were in the...

[2469] 70s.

[2470] We'd probably be a few decades behind.

[2471] I've heard that.

[2472] He was the great genius.

[2473] He's the craziest wizard ever, man. What an insane inventor that guy was.

[2474] Yeah, I mean, there's been a bunch of guys who changed culture like that, but I wonder if that's what it was, whether it was some super group of Mayans that were super intelligent, and then eventually they died off, and the culture died off.

[2475] Look at the founding fathers.

[2476] The idea that those guys wrote the Constitution, a bunch of men in their 30s, that's incredible.

[2477] It is an incredible thing.

[2478] That document in the Federalist Papers, one of the great ideas of philosophy, you're talking about men in their 30s who solved the political problem.

[2479] Yeah, they tried to keep it together.

[2480] They solved politics.

[2481] They came here from another fucking country that sucked.

[2482] I know.

[2483] Decided to start another country.

[2484] Start over.

[2485] And they solved the political problem.

[2486] They created the Constitution.

[2487] They created the greatest government.

[2488] Because you know why?

[2489] It was based on freedom.

[2490] And like you were talking about, it was based on freedom for the individual.

[2491] And it wasn't based on government bureaucracy.

[2492] Government was a necessary evil.

[2493] It wasn't an engine for good.

[2494] Do you think that it's possible to get back to that?

[2495] Is it possible?

[2496] Look, look.

[2497] It's not possible if all these people are buying into Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck.

[2498] Look, I think it's possible for the idea, and it's very resilient.

[2499] and strong in American culture still, and it's part of the American spirit, the concept and the idea that I as an individual have protection to speak my mind, to gain profit from my own ingenuity and my own risk -taking to worship or say what I want, as long as it doesn't incite a riot or whatever, etc., etc. Those kinds of things, I think, are very strong.

[2500] And I think this country has always swayed from one extreme to the other, or somewhere in the middle.

[2501] I mean, there are always trends that push us toward the left, trends that push us toward the right.

[2502] I think the issue now is that you have so many people who, for such a cheap price, can get on TV and if they've got a good speaking voice or a sharp profile or they say things that are inflammatory, you've got enough people where shit is changing so quickly today.

[2503] A lot of people are just afraid of how fast things are changing, especially technology.

[2504] You're going to have people who want to get back to...

[2505] the old way of living, the status quo, God, guts and guns, whatever it might be.

[2506] They want to go back to a John Wayne movie.

[2507] Yeah, so it doesn't surprise me that when my boy Glenn Beck says, we're bringing our country back to God, people go, that's the nostalgia I remember, the 50s or whatever it might be.

[2508] Let's get back to basics.

[2509] Human beings have always been that way.

[2510] That dude wrote that shit and allowed for a pause.

[2511] After God.

[2512] He's a performer.

[2513] He's an actor.

[2514] He's like, okay, God, when I say God, that's going to get him.

[2515] That's going to get him.

[2516] They're going to be clapping then.

[2517] Okay, so I'll take a deep breath.

[2518] Dramatic pause.

[2519] Dramatic pause.

[2520] Go.

[2521] Exactly.

[2522] It's all the music.

[2523] But it's unfortunate that it works, man. It's unfortunate.

[2524] We need to get the population on mushrooms.

[2525] We need to get this population on mushrooms.

[2526] Hey, drugs are where I draw the line, Buster.

[2527] Listen, I draw the line with drugs as well.

[2528] I think that's the line.

[2529] Take drugs.

[2530] Someone needs to fucking show you some shit.

[2531] You've got to be an example to the kids, man. Listen, I'm not saying everybody should do drugs.

[2532] What I'm saying is some people should do drugs.

[2533] What's your thought on this?

[2534] What's your thought on not only steroids in sports, but the idea that technology is going to allow us to start doping our genes and all that stuff.

[2535] What do we do about that?

[2536] Myostatin inhibitors.

[2537] What are you going to do when that happens?

[2538] I don't know.

[2539] A guy who's got a super body.

[2540] I'm going to be looking like, I'll tell you who's going to be taking him.

[2541] This guy.

[2542] You look like Conad.

[2543] You're going to look like Conad.

[2544] That's right.

[2545] You're going to grow your hair long.

[2546] I'm going to get my armpit hairs fucking tattooed.

[2547] No, they're going to be able to clone hair.

[2548] That's what I want.

[2549] And I want them to genetically engineer it.

[2550] I want a horse tail.

[2551] Just clone me a whole new scalp.

[2552] This shit's useless.

[2553] Give me a horse tail.

[2554] Get me a new one.

[2555] This one's a mess.

[2556] Upload your brain into somebody else's body.

[2557] You think that's going to be possible?

[2558] Merge brains, maybe?

[2559] I think we're going to run some muck and start deleting files.

[2560] Some crazy bitch.

[2561] You let her in your brain.

[2562] You're deleting your childhood.

[2563] Fuck your childhood.

[2564] I'm what matters.

[2565] I'm...

[2566] Flush, flush.

[2567] They say they're going to be able to reverse engineer the brain.

[2568] Learning how the brain deals.

[2569] I believe that.

[2570] And then you're going to be able to tap into somebody else's brain through a net.

[2571] You'll have other experiences.

[2572] Why wouldn't you be able to?

[2573] You'll be able to experience what it's like to be somebody else.

[2574] That's not nearly as crazy as it is to send a picture through the air to someone in Australia.

[2575] Right.

[2576] You can do that right now.

[2577] Isn't that crazy?

[2578] It's beyond.

[2579] It goes over the ocean.

[2580] It's magic.

[2581] It takes like 11 hours in a plane to go where that fucking picture goes in a couple of seconds.

[2582] It's why people who aren't scientifically minded who don't believe in the science.

[2583] scientific process and stuff always cracked me up.

[2584] Who doesn't believe in the scientific process?

[2585] You hear about that stuff all the time.

[2586] There's some people that think that science is arrogant because it doesn't consider some things like astrology or psychic.

[2587] But there's no way to scientifically prove that astrology works.

[2588] Well, science can only prove something that happens over and over again, and you can measure it.

[2589] I mean, that's what it's all about.

[2590] Exactly.

[2591] But we benefit just greatly from that.

[2592] Yeah.

[2593] But it's both.

[2594] To not apply it to everything.

[2595] But it's both.

[2596] I have to pee out of my pee hole.

[2597] You can go right over there.

[2598] There's a bathroom.

[2599] Right in this direction.

[2600] A lot of cords around here.

[2601] This is very unprofessional, ladies and gentlemen.

[2602] We apologize.

[2603] Brian, do you have a song that can take us through this moment?

[2604] Well, how come?

[2605] No, we don't have to play a song.

[2606] Just go in there and pee, bro.

[2607] We're going to come up with topics to talk about when you get back.

[2608] Just make a pee -pee.

[2609] No, no song.

[2610] We don't need any song, bro.

[2611] All right.

[2612] So what would you have done if that guy stopped and ran after you?

[2613] The guy that you chased after when he – you saw, for people who didn't hear earlier, Brian saw someone trying to steal someone's purse.

[2614] The guy ran away, and Brian chased after the dude.

[2615] Well, the problem is I just wasn't fearful of him because he was an Indian.

[2616] I have no idea why.

[2617] Like, I mean, swear to God, if he was – Dude, you're going to have Indian dudes all over the country that want to beat your ass right now.

[2618] I know, but I'm just – Russell Peters is going to throw a beating on you next time he sees you.

[2619] Yeah, like, do you – like, Russell Peters is mad at you.

[2620] Would you be – I don't know.

[2621] Russell Peters, I bet he's got a good jab.

[2622] I just think, you know, even their movies, like they're like Hollywood movies that Indian people do, like their main stars are like ridiculous.

[2623] Well, India has a bunch of badass wrestlers.

[2624] Do they?

[2625] Yeah.

[2626] India has a lot of badass wrestlers.

[2627] Yeah.

[2628] There's a bunch of people that were working on the big giant skyscrapers in Dubai.

[2629] Right.

[2630] And this was another Anthony Bourdain show.

[2631] And while they're working, when they have days off, they wrestle in the park and they like wrestle for money.

[2632] And they're like these badass wrestlers.

[2633] So that Indian would fuck you up, son.

[2634] That's what I'm trying to say.

[2635] It's not in their culture or something.

[2636] Or maybe I'm just so used to that video, that little superstar.

[2637] There's Indian martial arts, especially wrestling.

[2638] It goes back way a long time in their culture.

[2639] Yeah, absolutely.

[2640] You know that video of that little Indian guy that's like a midget, though?

[2641] That's pretty cool.

[2642] The superstar?

[2643] Yeah.

[2644] Little superstar?

[2645] Let me see that.

[2646] If you haven't seen that, who hasn't seen that?

[2647] That's one thing.

[2648] What does it have, a billion hits on it?

[2649] How many hits does it have?

[2650] 15 billion?

[2651] 15 million?

[2652] That's just because it's only this copy of it.

[2653] There's 100 million versions of it on YouTube.

[2654] Dude, that's why I'm not scared of Indian guys.

[2655] All these guys that are in this video right here, are you scared of any of these guys?

[2656] Well, Indian people are pretty peaceful considering there's a billion of them.

[2657] It's like their culture's not violent.

[2658] But they don't get along with those Pakistanis very well.

[2659] Hold on.

[2660] Did you shut off his volume?

[2661] Yeah, while he was getting up.

[2662] Oh.

[2663] I guess you've never met any Sikhs.

[2664] Yeah, he's trying to tell me that Indians aren't scary.

[2665] Indians would beat your ass, son.

[2666] Sikhs, first of all, are big people.

[2667] Have you ever seen this video?

[2668] They're meat ears.

[2669] That's why I'm not scared.

[2670] Have you seen this video before?

[2671] No. You haven't?

[2672] No, that's genius.

[2673] Wow, I thought everybody's seen this.

[2674] Look at that little...

[2675] Look at this, they're all happy Indian guys.

[2676] Wait, you really have never seen this?

[2677] That guy's 30, by the way.

[2678] Yes.

[2679] Yeah.

[2680] Look at this.

[2681] And they give the kids cigarettes too.

[2682] They give the kids cigarettes.

[2683] Kids smoking is a very fucking strange thing, man. Especially that one kid.

[2684] Did you see that?

[2685] The two -year -old?

[2686] Yeah.

[2687] How have you never seen this video?

[2688] I know.

[2689] It's like the internet was made the same day as this video.

[2690] Oh my God, it's genius.

[2691] And now he works as like a choreographer in India.

[2692] Does he?

[2693] Yeah, I watched the show on him.

[2694] He was like teaching people how to dance in this one movie or video or something like that.

[2695] Was he a famous guy or something?

[2696] Yeah, yeah, a little superstar.

[2697] I think that's his name.

[2698] He's not the same guy as the other guy that played like a detective in India?

[2699] No, no, that's another dude.

[2700] I think that dude was from the Philippines.

[2701] Oh, from the Philippines?

[2702] Yeah, it was a crazy show.

[2703] See, in my head, they're all Indian.

[2704] A little person who flies through the air and kicks dudes in the head and fucks them up.

[2705] The internet, man. The internet exposes you to some shit that you would just...

[2706] When we were kids growing up, kids today, man, you'd be a 15 -year -old boy today.

[2707] What kind of shit are you getting into your brain?

[2708] That's actually a worry, I think.

[2709] Fuck it is.

[2710] They're growing up the most difficult generation to grow up ever.

[2711] Young kids today.

[2712] And with some of the most ridiculous influences.

[2713] Like when I was a kid, there was no Kardashians.

[2714] There was no Paris Hilton.

[2715] There was no ridiculous people who were famous for doing nothing.

[2716] And so much attention was paid to them.

[2717] And I'm not hating.

[2718] If you can get it, good.

[2719] Good for you, man. Why not?

[2720] Do a reality show about your life and drive around a Bentley.

[2721] It's just a form of voyeurism maybe.

[2722] We talked about it maybe possibly even being therapeutic.

[2723] But what I'm saying is we were never exposed to anything that ridiculous as a role model.

[2724] We were never exposed to anything.

[2725] that's strange where all these people are paying attention to it.

[2726] I was listening to Nancy Grace.

[2727] Talk about Paris Hilton.

[2728] I had to stop my car, and I'm like sitting in my car shaking my hand.

[2729] Nancy Grace is mad because Paris Hilton was pulled over with cocaine.

[2730] She is a repeat offender, and she is out on the streets.

[2731] Would that be happening if it was you or I?

[2732] It wasn't her purse, Joe.

[2733] I heard it wasn't even cocaine.

[2734] She thought it was candy.

[2735] She didn't even know when she threw it out the window.

[2736] She can't buy her own purses.

[2737] She has to borrow purses.

[2738] Well, homeboy, her boyfriend was blowing weed out the window like a knucklehead and a motorcycle cop.

[2739] Who's your boyfriend now?

[2740] You are, Brian.

[2741] You're going to move in and fix her.

[2742] Sure am.

[2743] Listen, Paris, you're a good person.

[2744] I like more than a skinny girl.

[2745] You just need to connect yourself with the right crowd.

[2746] In a few years, people forget.

[2747] She's bone thin, by the way.

[2748] I don't find her attractive.

[2749] Would you fuck her or Lindsay Lohan?

[2750] Lindsay Lohan in a heartbeat.

[2751] She's got curves in a heartbeat.

[2752] And she's dirty.

[2753] It's my joke about Paris.

[2754] I'm trying to have sex with a girl.

[2755] A skinny is like trying to take a nap in a wooden chair.

[2756] There's no girls that are built that way.

[2757] way that aren't dirty that girl's dirty she's built to fuck oh yeah I shouldn't say that because she's a very young girl and she's got troubles.

[2758] No, she's not.

[2759] She's 24 now.

[2760] She's a young girl and she has troubles, Brian.

[2761] Growing up, the creepy thing is when you see the photos of her when she was really young or video of her when she was like a Disney kid.

[2762] It's like, wow, this is strange.

[2763] This kid really did grow up in front of the camera.

[2764] Remember that she plays a twin and there's two of them?

[2765] Fuck, man. Good luck with that.

[2766] Good luck with that.

[2767] That girl, man, that's a whole pot of problems.

[2768] Imagine growing up in L .A. as this being a reality.

[2769] Ricky Schroeder turned out well.

[2770] Ricky Schroeder turned out awesome.

[2771] That dude's fucking hilarious.

[2772] Yeah, man. He turned out awesome.

[2773] He's really got his shit together for a guy who grew up a child star.

[2774] I mean, it's very impressive.

[2775] He's a really regular dude.

[2776] He had an interesting way of putting it.

[2777] He said he thought that he was a regular dude because he grew up famous.

[2778] He doesn't have any point of reference.

[2779] It's not like all of a sudden he became famous.

[2780] Like, wow, I don't know how to handle this.

[2781] It was just what it was.

[2782] And famous, by the way, means you just get recognized a lot in airports.

[2783] You know what I mean?

[2784] It means a lot more than that.

[2785] It means people treat you differently.

[2786] No, I'm saying as a person.

[2787] People communicate with you differently.

[2788] Yeah, but your model of the world is going to be all fucked up because you're going to start thinking that you're special.

[2789] Because you're treated like a prince.

[2790] Yeah.

[2791] Yeah, I mean, how many actors have you ever met on sets?

[2792] And we've talked about this, how goddamn infuriating it is that these idiots think that what they have to say and what they have to do is so important because of the fact that there's a camera on them and because of the fact that all these people are telling them how awesome they are because their job revolves around this person.

[2793] So they start to believe.

[2794] it and then they start to act it out and then you come along and you have to meet this guy for the first time and you're like oh this guy is in like the swirling fucking death throes of a three year bizarre trip through ego and now I'm meeting him four years in and he doesn't even know how crazy he's acting like he's yelling at the fucking staff and yelling at the director and doing cocaine before the scene and there goes his career I mean come on man how many dudes have you seen like going through that death spiral I remember I did this show with this guy who's no longer He was such a nice guy, but he was so high, and he was doing so much blow, and he kept going out of the trailer.

[2795] We were trying to shoot the scene, and he was playing a cop, I think, and he had the guy in the chair, and the guy goes, and the line was, what?

[2796] You better enunciate.

[2797] I can't hear you too clearly.

[2798] That's all he had to say, and he was so high on coke, he kept going, what?

[2799] You better enunciate.

[2800] I can't hear you.

[2801] There's a cut.

[2802] It's enunciate.

[2803] He goes, what's that line?

[2804] Yeah.

[2805] All right.

[2806] What?

[2807] You better enunciate.

[2808] And he did it 16 times.

[2809] Oh, my God.

[2810] And they finally were like, why don't we move on?

[2811] He's too high right now.

[2812] Oh, my God.

[2813] That was it, man. That guy would have been something.

[2814] Nice guy.

[2815] You know, when I met you, you were on MADtv.

[2816] And that's also when I met Artie.

[2817] Oh, boy.

[2818] Did you stay in touch with him?

[2819] I do.

[2820] I just haven't talked to Artie in probably, you know.

[2821] Four years now.

[2822] But, I mean, I always would run into him.

[2823] In fact, the other dude.

[2824] I always loved seeing that guy.

[2825] You know what he said about me on Stern like about a year ago?

[2826] My father called me up.

[2827] Or two years ago.

[2828] He goes, the best guy I've ever seen with women.

[2829] I've never seen anybody better with women than Brian Callen.

[2830] Something like that.

[2831] That's strong.

[2832] I know.

[2833] I got 50 calls.

[2834] My dad's like, why is this guy saying you're a stud with women?

[2835] What is it?

[2836] You know, whatever.

[2837] He's a good dude, man. I would run into him every couple of years somewhere.

[2838] I ran into him at the Aspen Comedy Festival, I think, and I ran into him once in Vegas.

[2839] He was a crazy great guy.

[2840] Crazy great.

[2841] Just such a nice human being.

[2842] He truly is a nice human being.

[2843] And he's hilarious.

[2844] He's just tortured.

[2845] Yeah, just real tortured.

[2846] And it felt almost like exposing all that and talking about it all the time, it became worse.

[2847] Well, what happened?

[2848] Do you know how he's doing now?

[2849] I don't know.

[2850] I don't know anything.

[2851] I remember feeling really sad when I heard that, that he could get to that place where he could do something like that.

[2852] I think it's always hard when somebody suffers from that level of despair.

[2853] And it must be really, really hard if you have a child who's that way and you can't do anything to help them.

[2854] I ran into a dude who was friends with Artie.

[2855] I don't know if it was his assistant at the time or someone who worked with him.

[2856] and this dude, I guess he lived in the same apartment building as Artie, and he was talking to me about it just years and years ago, about how he really worried about Artie, and he didn't know what to do, and he wanted other people to talk to him, but nobody knew what to say.

[2857] It's a terrible feeling to have a friend.

[2858] I've had many friends who had serious drug problems.

[2859] And got real depressed.

[2860] My friend Johnny used to have heroin problems, coke problems, crack problems, everything.

[2861] My friend Johnny, he was a great guy.

[2862] It's amazing how charming those people are.

[2863] He was a street hustler, criminal, fucking pool hustler.

[2864] If you told him that story about the dude throwing the jacket over the purse, he'd be like, oh, that's a strong move.

[2865] Strong move.

[2866] Johnny was like this big, fat, funny, Jackie Gleason -type character.

[2867] How'd he die?

[2868] Some sort of an aneurysm, drug -related.

[2869] We suspect drug -related.

[2870] I mean, he had a real problem.

[2871] He had a real problem for a long time.

[2872] He would go one to the other and couldn't function.

[2873] Yeah, there's some drugs like meth and blow.

[2874] My friend was like, nobody's ever said, I had all these problems and I did a bunch of meth and it got a lot better.

[2875] That's never how it's worked out.

[2876] He came out here to stay with me when I first got a TV show.

[2877] When I was on Hardball, he came out here to stay with me to try to clean up.

[2878] He came out here for two weeks.

[2879] And for the first week, he didn't have any access to heroin.

[2880] I don't know if he brought any with him or not.

[2881] But it seemed like the first week, he didn't have any access to it.

[2882] And all he would do is sleep.

[2883] He just could not get up.

[2884] I'm like, dude, he came to visit me. And he was just fucking sleeping.

[2885] And then I sort of realized what's going on.

[2886] I'm like, okay, you're kicking some shit right now.

[2887] Is that what you're doing?

[2888] Yeah, you're kicking some shit, yeah.

[2889] And he didn't want to talk about it.

[2890] He'd be like, yo, I'm just not feeling that good.

[2891] I don't know what's up.

[2892] He would lie about it.

[2893] I'd be like, dude, you're fucking like death.

[2894] Do you need to go to a hospital?

[2895] No, no, no. I'm going to be good.

[2896] I'm going to be good.

[2897] I just need some soup or something.

[2898] Maybe we got any soup.

[2899] And he would have a cup of soup and go to sleep.

[2900] He did this for like seven, eight, nine days.

[2901] And he stayed with me for a while.

[2902] And then finally, I flew him out here.

[2903] because I wanted to see him.

[2904] And the plan was I'd known him from back in the pool hall days, and he was a really good pool player.

[2905] And we used to go on these gambling matches where I would take him to pool halls and I would match him up in games.

[2906] It was a lot of fun.

[2907] And it wasn't for a lot of money.

[2908] We'd do it for like $100 or something like that.

[2909] But it was just exciting.

[2910] You know, he had a chance to win $100.

[2911] I had a chance to watch some great pool action between two dudes who were really nervous trying to win money.

[2912] And, you know, we would set up games.

[2913] And sometimes we would win money.

[2914] It was a lot of fun.

[2915] So the plan was, and I'm like, dude, I've been playing out here in California.

[2916] There's a lot of guys who like to gamble.

[2917] So you can get some good games.

[2918] It'll be a lot of fun.

[2919] Let's do this.

[2920] And I think there's a lot of guys you match up with.

[2921] All right.

[2922] I'm on my way.

[2923] I'm on my way, bro.

[2924] We're going to have a good time.

[2925] And he got out here just the moment he landed.

[2926] He looked like a gray toilet paper roll.

[2927] I do a mess.

[2928] I don't know what he was doing.

[2929] I think it was heroin.

[2930] He was gray.

[2931] Because I dated a girl, the same thing.

[2932] She'd show up in New York, and she looked like gray, and she'd sleep for four days.

[2933] I think that's a lot of things.

[2934] I didn't know anything about drugs, though.

[2935] I didn't know that was going on.

[2936] I wasn't drug savvy.

[2937] I didn't know from heroin.

[2938] Or iron deficiency people.

[2939] A lot of prejudice.

[2940] The story about my friend Johnny, though, is he, after nine days, he finally came out of it.

[2941] Like seven, eight, nine days, something like that, slowly started coming out of it.

[2942] I started taking him around, and we had a good time.

[2943] It was like one of the last good times before he died.

[2944] We took him into it.

[2945] There was a place called Players Billiards in the valley.

[2946] It was a 24 -hour place.

[2947] We were out there gambling until like 4 o 'clock in the morning.

[2948] You and I were eating at Chaya when the day you found out he died.

[2949] Yeah.

[2950] It was sad.

[2951] You know, he was a fascinating human being, man. I've met a lot of fascinating human beings, but every now and then there's a dude who's in the wrong place.

[2952] You're like, what are you doing here?

[2953] What's going on here?

[2954] What the fuck?

[2955] Like this super, super smart dude.

[2956] Like really smart.

[2957] Like you could throw numbers at him.

[2958] Like 396 minus 7 divided by 4.

[2959] 262.

[2960] He would just bang it out.

[2961] Like literally that fast.

[2962] Mathematical genius.

[2963] Could play chess in his head.

[2964] You could talk to him and he could play chess like they do in prison.

[2965] Knight to rook 5.

[2966] He could do that.

[2967] And he barely played chess.

[2968] He was just like a math.

[2969] mathematical genius the reason why he's so good at pool he was like mathematical like geometry and shit to him just like would like play itself out in his mind he would look at a pool table and he could like see the geometry he could see all the angles he didn't have to break it down one to another he's like oh yeah i'm out i'm out Wow.

[2970] And I'm out.

[2971] He would just see it.

[2972] But his only problem was the drugs.

[2973] And his problem was he was kind of crazy, which is why he was so mathematically connected to things.

[2974] And he played good music, too.

[2975] He could play piano.

[2976] He could play a bunch of different instruments.

[2977] Sounds like he's got Asperger's.

[2978] Genius.

[2979] Genius.

[2980] No, but a regular social guy, fun to hang out with.

[2981] Told jokes, cracked jokes.

[2982] It wasn't like he had autism or anything.

[2983] He was very social.

[2984] Don't you love any man?

[2985] People like that, I'll take a colorful character like that with that kind of flavor over it.

[2986] Are you kidding me, man?

[2987] Like my friend Joey Diaz.

[2988] Those people make your life.

[2989] He's the best.

[2990] He's the best.

[2991] Joey?

[2992] Yeah.

[2993] What a character.

[2994] I never, every time I run into that guy, whether it's an audition or an club, I'm never disappointed.

[2995] He's always inspiring.

[2996] What are you doing, Tazan?

[2997] He's inspiring.

[2998] He's funny.

[2999] Yeah.

[3000] His stories, the way he walks, the way he talks, you just can't take your eyes off the guy.

[3001] He's a monster.

[3002] He's one of the funniest human beings I've ever met in my life.

[3003] He just makes me feel like there's a party going on.

[3004] Yeah.

[3005] You know, when Joey said, what's up, cocksuckers?

[3006] What are we doing?

[3007] Let's get this party started.

[3008] And you're like.

[3009] Yep, the party just got started.

[3010] The party got started.

[3011] Joey's here.

[3012] He's great.

[3013] It really feels like something's going on now.

[3014] Does he have a girl?

[3015] What's that?

[3016] Yeah, he's married.

[3017] Yeah, he's married, man. Yeah, his wife's Terry's awesome.

[3018] She was a waitress at the comedy store.

[3019] How's he doing?

[3020] Is he doing the road with you?

[3021] Oh, no, I'm sorry.

[3022] She wasn't a waitress.

[3023] She was an accountant.

[3024] Is he a draw now on the road?

[3025] He does well if he wants to.

[3026] If he wants to go on the road.

[3027] People want to see him.

[3028] Trying to get him to do that.

[3029] But, you know, Joey wants to get an acting gig.

[3030] He's working real hard at, you know.

[3031] I mean, he's a fucking hilarious actor.

[3032] He was in The Longest Yard and stuff like that.

[3033] He wants to get more.

[3034] I think he would like a good TV show.

[3035] He'd be fucking incredible.

[3036] I think Voice of a Cartoon would be amazing.

[3037] That would be good, too.

[3038] But he would be incredible on a sitcom.

[3039] Joey could crush a sitcom.

[3040] Are you kidding, that character?

[3041] Or a drama, even.

[3042] As a funny guy and a fucking...

[3043] No doubt.

[3044] Like an informant.

[3045] Like The Shield, one of those kind of shows.

[3046] He could be genius on that.

[3047] Yeah, you know, there's a lot of characters like that that you run into in life.

[3048] You know, Joey has his shit together a million times more than Johnny did.

[3049] I mean, Johnny was homeless most of the time.

[3050] I knew him and, you know, sleeping in pool rooms and, you know, and just gambling and, you know, and trying to try to win money.

[3051] You know, you see people like that.

[3052] It's not going to be a happy ending.

[3053] Well, you know, he just he you know, he had an imbalance.

[3054] There was some imbalance and he self -medicated, you know, but but I got to see like genius because of all his crazy flaws.

[3055] It's like we were talking about.

[3056] that robert e howard guy that robert e howard guy was so fucked up that he had to kill himself when he was like 30 something years old but yet he was so brilliant and so he had so much creativity wrote all this really fascinating shit like in the 1950s right you know there's people like that right king was talking about how um he doesn't remember writing cujo He doesn't remember writing the book because he was so drunk and high.

[3057] So fucked up, yeah.

[3058] And he said, you know, then his wife came in and she started putting all these beer cans in a bag.

[3059] And he looked around and he goes, geez, man, I drank a lot of beer over the past month.

[3060] She goes, that was yesterday, dude.

[3061] This is what you've been drinking in the past two days or whatever it was.

[3062] He would just black the fuck out.

[3063] He was like, what?

[3064] He'd just keep drinking.

[3065] And she goes, you drank this in two days.

[3066] And it was a month's worth of beer.

[3067] Literally, she was filling garbage bags full of beer cans.

[3068] Whoa.

[3069] And he said, I happen to have been a really, really...

[3070] imaginative writer who had a substance abuse problem so do you think that his like dealing with his substance abuse problem and then all the the torture and you know of being an alcoholic and doing coke and all this all this turmoil in his head created all that horror he would say his own battles he in his book on writing said no right but what he said was that in fact regardless if he had been sober he would have had the same imaginative mind I believe that is not true.

[3071] This is why I believe that's not true.

[3072] I think I've learned a lot about writing over the past few years of trying to write comedy and whatever, 20 plus years of writing and doing comedy.

[3073] And one of the things that I give credit to substances, I think substances have a dramatic effect on your creativity.

[3074] You can't say that you would have come up with that on your own.

[3075] A good effect.

[3076] Stimulant effect.

[3077] But, you know, Nick Kent, who was a rock journalist, wrote a book called The Dark Stuff that I read a while ago about rock and rollers.

[3078] And he followed the Pogues and Lou Reed and the Stones and Zeppelin and everybody.

[3079] And he wrote a book which actually said that most of those guys, and there's been a lot of, like, there's some strong evidence to suggest that some drugs, yes, other drugs dull you.

[3080] And heroin definitely killed a lot of creative people.

[3081] Okay, but this is my point.

[3082] This is my point why he can't say that.

[3083] First of all, because he wrote all his stuff when he was fucked up.

[3084] That's why you can't say that he would have written it anyway.

[3085] You cannot say that.

[3086] You cannot say when you wrote something and you were fucked up, you cannot say you would have written it anyway.

[3087] That doesn't make any sense.

[3088] But I wonder if they got there, they got to that level.

[3089] It changes the way you think.

[3090] The alcohol changes the way you think.

[3091] Caffeine changes the way you think.

[3092] Cocaine for sure changes the way you think.

[3093] It's going to increase paranoia.

[3094] It's going to make you, I mean, you think about his most thrilling, horror -filled, psychotic shit was all from the time he was using.

[3095] Well, yeah, but I mean...

[3096] I mean, it was, right?

[3097] Nick Kent said that a lot of these guys got into drugs because a lot of their heroes were drug addicts, like the blues art guys.

[3098] Yeah, sure.

[3099] And he said, and a lot of those guys ended up...

[3100] And Stanley Crouch said the same thing.

[3101] He goes, a lot of these guys were subscribing to their heroes' lifestyles, and you can actually see a fairly precipitous drop -off on their productivity, not when it came to weed, but when...

[3102] But heroin.

[3103] Heroin.

[3104] Right.

[3105] And cocaine.

[3106] I absolutely agree.

[3107] However...

[3108] It becomes so all -consuming that you end up doing that and not your work.

[3109] Yes.

[3110] I absolutely agree that there's a detrimental effect, especially with the ones like opiates and stuff that crushes your body very, very bad for your body.

[3111] I think because you get into that more than you get into anything else.

[3112] Yes.

[3113] I definitely agree.

[3114] But I also think that we have to acknowledge that they're changing the way people think.

[3115] The paths that you take in your creativity, they change the direction.

[3116] They change the enthusiasm behind things.

[3117] They change the aggression behind things.

[3118] And those change the road you go down when you're creating things.

[3119] And not only that.

[3120] As we learn more about our genomes and how different we are genetically, drugs have a vastly different effect on one person versus another too.

[3121] Yeah, it's very important because I've talked to people about pot, even the kind of pot that I smoke, like the figure out the universe, watch documentaries pot.

[3122] That, you know, sativas over the indicas rather.

[3123] Some people will smoke a sativa and they're describing a completely different thing and they have a completely different effect.

[3124] Does sativa affect your mind more than your body?

[3125] Yes, yes.

[3126] Well, it affects your body too.

[3127] All of them make sex feel better.

[3128] Baths feel better.

[3129] Showers feel better.

[3130] All of them do that.

[3131] It makes you more sensitive.

[3132] The rewards for massages and stuff.

[3133] I never get massaged unless I get high first.

[3134] Except today because I knew it was going to be a dude rubbing me. I was just going to say, what if it was a guy?

[3135] You don't want to be moaning when a dude is massaging you.

[3136] I hurt my back last week in jujitsu.

[3137] And like a retard yesterday, I got adjusted.

[3138] And then I tried to roll last night.

[3139] And like halfway into the class, my back just fucking completely gave out.

[3140] I couldn't stop anybody from passing my guard.

[3141] I couldn't explode.

[3142] I couldn't move.

[3143] It was just a constant pain.

[3144] I was like, okay, I'm hurting myself here.

[3145] I've got to stop.

[3146] So I knew that I had to go and get some deep tissue to break up the scar tissue and shit.

[3147] It's painful as fuck, dude.

[3148] Why do you have a guy, though?

[3149] Because you have to get a dude to do it.

[3150] First of all, they're sports dudes.

[3151] This isn't like you don't go to a spa.

[3152] I go to a sports medicine center, and they hurt you, bro.

[3153] It fucking hurts.

[3154] It's like this guy today was not as bad as the last guy I went to.

[3155] The last guy I went to, I literally almost tapped out.

[3156] The doctor, Dr. bag, who's the main chiropractor there, he told me he actually fainted.

[3157] This guy hurt him so bad that he fainted.

[3158] This mother is just, he's just breaking down your world with his elbow.

[3159] He's just digging into all your injuries, and it's breaking up the scar tissue, literally tearing it open so that it can, like, breathe and get circulation in there.

[3160] They don't, though.

[3161] They don't.

[3162] You have to take the pain.

[3163] I went to Brooks Massage, and it's on Beverly, and I go in there, and this Russian dude, he's like, please, please, you come, cure.

[3164] And I'm like, oh, good.

[3165] And I get on the slab, and I come out a new woman, right, because he's hitting me literally.

[3166] And he was this bear of a man going, and I was like, oh, and I felt like such a girl, such a girl.

[3167] I literally grew bitch tits.

[3168] I had estrogen running through my body.

[3169] I was like this guy.

[3170] Anyway, so it was great.

[3171] So I go, I looked at him.

[3172] I'm looking at him.

[3173] I look at his body.

[3174] I go, did you, were you a sports guy?

[3175] He goes, yes.

[3176] I go, were you, did you do any kind of fighting?

[3177] Yes.

[3178] I was judo.

[3179] I go, judo.

[3180] I go, did you compete?

[3181] He goes, yes, everywhere.

[3182] I have one gold medal from Sydney.

[3183] I go, you were a gold medal, Olympic gold medal judo guy in Sydney?

[3184] Yes.

[3185] I go, that must have been a lot.

[3186] This guy massaged me for $65.

[3187] I go, that must have been a lot of training and stuff.

[3188] Yes.

[3189] Did you lift a lot?

[3190] No. Just.

[3191] He wouldn't give me anything.

[3192] I was like, but dude, you're a gold medalist in judo.

[3193] It's incredible.

[3194] I know I'm a grappler.

[3195] I know grappling.

[3196] Nothing.

[3197] He was like, yeah.

[3198] I got this deep tissue massage from this guy who's an expert in sports related therapy for like muscle injuries and stuff like that.

[3199] So he does a lot of range of motion things and a lot of resistance things.

[3200] Yeah.

[3201] Okay.

[3202] So we had gone through this whole, it's like a half an hour massage of death.

[3203] Right.

[3204] So we got to the end and this is what he asked me in the end.

[3205] He says, I want you to get on your, get on.

[3206] your knees okay get in like a cat position right here with your um with your forearms like this puts a fast lane on your ass this position and just hold hold yourself in that position and i'm gonna work your back and this is what i want you to do i want you to go down okay and then as you're resisting you know go up Okay?

[3207] So he says this, right?

[3208] And he's going to do this with his elbow.

[3209] This is where he's really going to jack me. So as he's got me in this position, he goes, really into that MMA, you know?

[3210] It feels like around maybe 35 years ago, and I probably got into it myself, probably even competed.

[3211] And he's like, he's got me. He's got me on my hands and knees here.

[3212] And he's telling me that he would, and he's bigger than me. He's a big old dude.

[3213] He's a big old bear.

[3214] I want to rest my cock between your butt cheeks.

[3215] It's going to feel weird.

[3216] And it hurts like a motherfucker, and he's getting me with his elbow.

[3217] Maybe I would have competed.

[3218] Maybe I would have got in there.

[3219] And he hates you.

[3220] Maybe I'd take your back right now.

[3221] Do I have to fucking massage you?

[3222] punk and I'm younger than you, or I'm older than you?

[3223] Girl only.

[3224] I'm rubbing your back.

[3225] Girl only for massages.

[3226] Listen, no, no, no, no. I'm making light of it, but he's a very important guy to know if you have muscle injuries.

[3227] Those guys, they'll fix you up, man. Really?

[3228] Yeah, because you get a knot when you get an injury, any tear, you get inflammation, you get tears, and those tears knot you up.

[3229] And if you get an injury and you don't have it broken down and busted open like that, it's not going to heal right.

[3230] You're going to lose range of motion.

[3231] You're going to tighten up.

[3232] No, they don't.

[3233] Do they massage the actual...

[3234] They do.

[3235] No, nothing works like this.

[3236] You have to get in there physically.

[3237] You have to feel it.

[3238] You have to know where it is, and you have to break that shit up.

[3239] So they actually get on the actual...

[3240] Oh, yeah.

[3241] They hurt you, son.

[3242] They hurt you.

[3243] They dig in.

[3244] There's a guy I went to before.

[3245] This guy was not as painful as the last guy I went to, but the last guy I went to...

[3246] fucking would get on he was a strong yoga guy like this guy does like power yoga and shit he's strong as fuck and he would get on top of you with your elbow with his elbow rather and just drive it into your spine like right where that injury is because i got this knot of scar tissue right next to my spine and he's breaking it i can feel it's fucking tearing It's so necessary, but so hard to take.

[3247] You just want to run out of the room screaming.

[3248] You want to go, I can't take it.

[3249] Then you feel better, too.

[3250] Oh, yeah.

[3251] Right after it's over, you're like, thank you.

[3252] I did prolotherapy in my neck.

[3253] You ever done that?

[3254] Yeah, I've done that on my wrist.

[3255] I've done it on my bulk knees.

[3256] Yeah, I did it in my neck, and it worked.

[3257] But I do a lot.

[3258] I've been doing this.

[3259] Well, tell people what that is.

[3260] Prolotherapy is where they take dextrose, and they shoot it in your muscle.

[3261] And the reason they shoot dextrose with lidocaine, but they'll shoot dextrose in.

[3262] And dextrose is basically a sugar water.

[3263] When it coats the muscle, the body rushes healing agents to it because it views it as a foreign agent.

[3264] So what it'll do is it'll actually inflame the area and create...

[3265] And rush healing agents to it.

[3266] It makes ligaments like 40 % stronger.

[3267] It makes your ligaments stronger.

[3268] And muscles.

[3269] Up to 40 % stronger, which is incredible.

[3270] It heals them.

[3271] I had it done.

[3272] I've had wrist problems.

[3273] I broke my wrist a long time ago.

[3274] Kickboxing in like 1989.

[3275] I never did anything about it.

[3276] I just dealt with it.

[3277] And every now and then from jiu -jitsu, it'll start really hurting.

[3278] It used to hurt when I played Quake.

[3279] When I'd move it around too much with a mouse, I'd get like this pain.

[3280] I think I tore a ligament in there or something.

[3281] There's something wrong.

[3282] It clicks a lot and shit.

[3283] There's something really wrong with it.

[3284] But I had them do.

[3285] that in there and then I had him do it in my knee.

[3286] My lower back has always been, it always tightens up no matter what I do.

[3287] Well, you got to work on your flexibility, son.

[3288] That's one of the most important things, man. Working on your flexibility, so important.

[3289] I do every day, actually.

[3290] It's really important.

[3291] You got to see my garage, man. You haven't even seen my garage.

[3292] Oh, you don't even know, son.

[3293] All right, let's wrap this show up because we've been doing this for like six hours now, right?

[3294] Yeah, man. Brian, how long are we doing this?

[3295] Two hours and 20 minutes.

[3296] I wish we'd end on a bang.

[3297] Bang!

[3298] Got a good story?

[3299] Wish I could sing.

[3300] I'll have one next week.

[3301] Did I tell you my story?

[3302] Did I tell you my story when I was on a date up in this area?

[3303] Were you on a date with a Brazilian jiu -jitsu instructor?

[3304] No, with the girl where I had to poo now.

[3305] I had to poo right now.

[3306] In the woods?

[3307] You ever been in the woods on a trail with a girl?

[3308] You want to get laid?

[3309] You want to bang like on a rock and you have to shit now?

[3310] Oh my God.

[3311] And you know what I did?

[3312] I'm talking to her and I go, I have to shit now.

[3313] In fact, I'm shitting now.

[3314] I ran away from her.

[3315] You shit your pants?

[3316] I ran away from her up the trail and I fucking hid.

[3317] And I was like, I literally ran and I was like, and I got around and I was like, And I'm shitting.

[3318] And I'm like, how the fuck?

[3319] She's coming.

[3320] So she goes, what are you doing?

[3321] Are you trying to scare me?

[3322] And I go, yeah.

[3323] I yank my shoulder.

[3324] I start kicking.

[3325] But then I don't want her to look down.

[3326] So I go, hey.

[3327] And she goes, what are you doing?

[3328] I'm like, hey.

[3329] Like that.

[3330] Meanwhile.

[3331] We're walking.

[3332] I go, holy shit, thank God.

[3333] That was the worst thing.

[3334] I can't believe that.

[3335] I got a parasite.

[3336] Did you wipe your ass at all?

[3337] I got a parasite.

[3338] I wiped my ass.

[3339] I didn't have time to do anything.

[3340] I look at her and I go, oh God, guess what?

[3341] I have to shit now again.

[3342] I'm shitting now.

[3343] But after you shot, before you pulled your pants up, you just pulled your pants up.

[3344] This happened three times.

[3345] It happened three times.

[3346] Three times to the same date.

[3347] Same date.

[3348] I literally go, holy shit, thank God we got over that.

[3349] And then I go like this.

[3350] I go, anyway, I'm like, I'm talking to you and I'm shitting again.

[3351] I go, the third time, I don't get all the way around.

[3352] And I go, and you hear, just air.

[3353] My ass, my legs are full of shit.

[3354] I go, I take dirt and I wipe it on my ass.

[3355] Because I heard that's what they did in the desert.

[3356] So I'm trying to get off.

[3357] She stops and she goes, I hear, I hear, are you sick?

[3358] And I go, oh, yeah.

[3359] So now we've got to go back down the trail.

[3360] You smell like shit.

[3361] Not only do I smell like shit, we have to go back down the trail, and we have to go through the minefield.

[3362] So she now sees the shit that I was taking.

[3363] I'm like, hey, look up here.

[3364] Is that a kite?

[3365] Oh, look, look.

[3366] An eagle.

[3367] An eagle.

[3368] I'm fucking saying that.

[3369] I'm lying about birds in the air, and I fucking have to boil it down.

[3370] Now.

[3371] How bad did you smell?

[3372] How bad did I smell?

[3373] I had to take a sink shit shower in the fucking bathroom down there.

[3374] I'm trying to get my ass in.

[3375] You ever try to get your ass in a sink, one of those old -fashioned things?

[3376] You can't do it.

[3377] Was it a public bathroom?

[3378] Of course it was a public bathroom.

[3379] How many people could get in there?

[3380] Was it one that you could knock yourself out?

[3381] No, no, thank God.

[3382] Topanga Canyon, they're individual ones.

[3383] I wouldn't have cared.

[3384] That shit was coming off my ass no matter what, dude.

[3385] I don't care.

[3386] So now I sink clean.

[3387] I sink clean my crack.

[3388] We're sitting in the car.

[3389] to drive her from Topanga Canyon all the way up to Gower in Los Feliz.

[3390] I'm like, anyway, that was fun.

[3391] Just call me the poo -poo guy.

[3392] No laughter.

[3393] Never talked to her again, did you?

[3394] She saw me in a coffee shop a year later and ran the fuck out.

[3395] Wow.

[3396] She never returned my phone call.

[3397] I called her twice.

[3398] She was like, fuck that.

[3399] You're the shit guy.

[3400] You're disgusting.

[3401] You can't have explosive diarrhea and get laid.

[3402] You gotta just write that one off.

[3403] That ain't gonna happen.

[3404] But here's the reality.

[3405] If it was her, you would still fuck her.

[3406] Of course I would.

[3407] Take a shower.

[3408] You don't even take a shower.

[3409] Just wipe well.

[3410] Fuck it.

[3411] I'm horny.

[3412] Use the shit as lubrication.

[3413] You got a towel?

[3414] Fuck it.

[3415] You got a fucking...

[3416] Clothespin?

[3417] I'm not a pussy.

[3418] I'll put a clothespin on my nose and you'll kill that shit.

[3419] You got herpes?

[3420] Oh, fuck it.

[3421] I'll wear a condom.

[3422] Roll the dice.

[3423] You got basil.

[3424] Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much for tuning in again.

[3425] Thank you, everybody from Boston.

[3426] We had a fucking awesome time.

[3427] And that was, I think, the craziest round of applause I've ever gotten ever at a comedy club.

[3428] From the Wilbur Theater.

[3429] It was cool to be home.

[3430] Growing up in Boston and doing that show there was a lot of fun.

[3431] The UFC there was a lot of fun too.

[3432] A bunch of fucking psychos in the audience.

[3433] Thank you very much to the Fleshlight for sponsoring our show.

[3434] Thank you very much, Brian Callen.

[3435] What is your Twitter?

[3436] Just B -R -Y -A -N.

[3437] C -A -L -L -E -N.

[3438] Brian Callen.

[3439] That's his Twitter.

[3440] Yeah, man. If you guys are up north, I'm going to be up in San Jose September 23rd to the 26th.

[3441] Up at the Rooster Teeth Feathers.

[3442] So come out, man. Is that a comedy club?

[3443] Yeah.

[3444] Where's that?

[3445] Rooster Teeth Feathers.

[3446] It's in San Jose.

[3447] San Jose.

[3448] Rooster Teeth Feathers.

[3449] And what is the dates again?

[3450] It's September 23rd and the 26th.

[3451] To the 26th.

[3452] Their information is at bryancallen .com?

[3453] Yeah.

[3454] And then I'll be in Louisville, Kentucky, October 7th to the 11th.

[3455] And that's b -r -y -a -n .com.

[3456] That's it.

[3457] Not the cool way.

[3458] B -r -y -a -n -c -a -l -l -e -n .com.

[3459] Yeah.

[3460] What's that, Brian?

[3461] Not the cool way to spell it.

[3462] Brian spells it the cool way.

[3463] Yeah.

[3464] With an I. With an I, like a man. Well, he's not into himself, man. He's a yes, man. He said the yes.

[3465] He's into positivity.

[3466] That's right.

[3467] That's a Scottish way of saying it.

[3468] We had a fun time, as always.

[3469] Thank you very much for tuning in.

[3470] We really appreciate it.

[3471] Tomorrow, we will have another podcast.

[3472] This time, 2 p .m. And, of course, iTunes will be on the next day.

[3473] And it will be Joey Diaz and Eddie Bravo.

[3474] And we're going to break down UFC 118 and have a good time.

[3475] So, thank you very much for coming in.

[3476] I really appreciate it.

[3477] Coming in.

[3478] Where'd you go?

[3479] Just whatever.

[3480] Tuning in.

[3481] Tuning in.

[3482] Whatever you're doing.

[3483] Logging in.

[3484] Whatever we're doing here.

[3485] Thanks a lot.

[3486] Appreciate it.

[3487] Love you guys.

[3488] Bye.