#25 - Joey Diaz

[0] There we go.

[1] Beautiful, ladies and gentlemen.

[2] Welcome to day 25, Brian.

[3] 25.

[4] Week 25.

[5] Week 25 of the Ustream podcast.

[6] We got a double podcast week.

[7] We're getting crazy.

[8] Today is my good friend Mad Flavor, a .k .a. Joe Diaz, in the motherfucking house.

[9] That's right.

[10] One of the funniest human beings I've ever met in my life.

[11] I've known Joey for about a decade.

[12] Oh, before we go anywhere, before we get started.

[13] Fleshlight .com.

[14] We are sponsored by the Fleshlight.

[15] And this is the butthole version of the Fleshlight.

[16] It sponsors the podcast.

[17] If you go to JoeRogan .net and click the link, you get a discount.

[18] Joey Diaz, have you ever seen one of those in person?

[19] No, no, no. Let's rip it out.

[20] Explain it to me. Show them it real quick.

[21] Let's talk about it here.

[22] This is the one that I haven't fucked, so you can touch it.

[23] Put your finger in there and tell me. That's the butthole version.

[24] Is there a vaginal version?

[25] Yes, of course.

[26] Are they retarded?

[27] Did you hide it?

[28] How perverted are they?

[29] Could you imagine if the vaginal one went out of style because nobody wanted to fuck it?

[30] It's like everyone just wanted the asshole one.

[31] Well, it is tighter, so you think everyone would want to fuck it because everyone likes tight pussy.

[32] Look at this.

[33] It's fucking square.

[34] It looks like your dick's got to be like a fucking square.

[35] I love it.

[36] I love it.

[37] This is tremendous.

[38] You've got to fuck one of these things.

[39] I'm telling you.

[40] Are you fucking crazy?

[41] It's way better than beating off.

[42] You beat off, right?

[43] So you grab it like this and just go like this like a bullshit?

[44] Yeah, you move it up.

[45] Show him fish in the bucket.

[46] Show him fish in the bucket.

[47] Take the fish out of the bucket.

[48] That's your move, dude.

[49] I don't want to rip your move off.

[50] Check this out.

[51] How awesome is this?

[52] Fish in the bucket.

[53] Look at that thing.

[54] That's how you wash it.

[55] It pulls out.

[56] It wiggles.

[57] Oh, so you come in that thing too?

[58] Yeah, you square the load in there.

[59] And there's a cap on the bottom.

[60] When you undo the cap, your load comes rocking.

[61] I love hanging out with these guys.

[62] There's technology.

[63] They always keep me up this shit.

[64] You know what I'm saying?

[65] Yeah, we're up to the latest.

[66] This is the latest in masturbation technology.

[67] What kind of people are you people hanging out with?

[68] I disappear for a couple of weeks.

[69] This is a solid product.

[70] This is a solid product.

[71] And this product comes under a lot of unnecessary.

[72] Necessary heat, in my opinion.

[73] Let me ask you this.

[74] What if you want to go the other way?

[75] Does this come in different colors?

[76] What if you want a fucking Hindu in the ass?

[77] You get a brown one.

[78] You get a Hindu one.

[79] We got to find out.

[80] They got a Hindu one.

[81] A slumdog millionaire one.

[82] Smells like a fucking lottery ticket.

[83] I bet there's a bunch of different colors.

[84] It can't just be white.

[85] Yeah, that's fucking prejudice.

[86] It's 2010.

[87] You got to mix it up a little bit.

[88] What kind of shit is this?

[89] Yeah, I guess I would do a black one.

[90] You know, you might as well.

[91] I want an Asian one.

[92] I want the little muffler that smells like twice -cooked pork.

[93] You know what I'm saying?

[94] I bet there's a reason why the black ones show the crust or how dirty it is more, probably.

[95] You know, it gets white.

[96] Why do we got to say black?

[97] Why can't she be Puerto Rican?

[98] Someone's a little too high.

[99] What are you talking about?

[100] Yeah, okay.

[101] We're on the front page, and I just see nothing but white pussy.

[102] Yeah.

[103] Let's go with the private collection.

[104] The champagne collection.

[105] They have a Lupe version.

[106] You know who Lupe is?

[107] This is all white.

[108] The Puerto Rican singer from the 70s?

[109] No, Lupe is this new porn star.

[110] They have a Lupe version of the Fleshlight.

[111] And I was just at a Hard Rock X -Fans convention and she was there.

[112] Man, that chick is amazing.

[113] She's like four feet tall, but yet the proportions perfect of a regular female.

[114] Like everything fits perfect.

[115] She just looks like a little girl, not like a midget.

[116] I wonder if you can get a blue one so you can pretend you're fucking that avatar chick.

[117] They should totally.

[118] They have vampires.

[119] They have vampire ones.

[120] They should totally make it out.

[121] They have Twilight ones.

[122] Do you see the Twilight one?

[123] Twilight fleshlines.

[124] Twilight.

[125] They have fangs.

[126] Get the fuck out.

[127] They swear to God.

[128] They have fangs and the tube that goes down that, you know, rubs against your dick has like fangs on the tube or something like that.

[129] So it's like fucking a vampire pussy.

[130] Because I know you like vampires better than werewolves.

[131] Have you lost your fucking mind, Brian?

[132] You're so baked right now.

[133] You're out of your mind.

[134] That's 100 % true.

[135] They have fucking Twilight.

[136] All of that is.

[137] More than werewolves.

[138] Huh?

[139] Who likes vampires?

[140] You do.

[141] You said you liked them last week better.

[142] Oh my goodness, Brian.

[143] And I've been thinking about this whole time because...

[144] You're so wrong.

[145] I have not said that.

[146] He likes vampires.

[147] You are just making shit up.

[148] Brian is just so high.

[149] You didn't say that?

[150] You didn't say you would choose...

[151] Brian just rocketed back to the eighth grade.

[152] Holy shit.

[153] Vampires.

[154] You're a silly eighth grader right now.

[155] Outside when you're not supposed to be there.

[156] You're right.

[157] You got out of the gymnasium and you and your buddies got high and now you're cracking jokes on them.

[158] You're back in Columbus, Ohio right now, aren't you?

[159] Wait, wait, wait, wait.

[160] What's going on here?

[161] You're barbecued.

[162] I am barbecued.

[163] I know you are because I am.

[164] And I'm listening to you talking.

[165] I'm like, this kid's too high.

[166] I've got to help him out here.

[167] I've got to pull him out.

[168] Pull him out of this conversation.

[169] Yeah.

[170] But they do have a vampire fleshlight.

[171] That's unbelievably ridiculous.

[172] But I'm more of a werewolf guy, so that's why it's ridiculous.

[173] I don't even like vampires.

[174] Really?

[175] I'm tired of vampire movies.

[176] The Wolfman sucked, okay?

[177] I did not like that movie.

[178] It was dumb.

[179] It just didn't work.

[180] And I still bought the fucking Blu -ray.

[181] Okay?

[182] How about that?

[183] That's how much I am of a werewolf.

[184] Was there any special features?

[185] I search iTunes for werewolf movies, bro.

[186] Do you get this?

[187] I watch werewolf movies that are terrible.

[188] You know why?

[189] Because I know there's going to be at least a guy that's going to turn into a werewolf and fuck some people up.

[190] So you know what I do?

[191] I watch the beginning to get their names.

[192] Okay, this is Bob.

[193] This is...

[194] Okay, let me just know what the fuck's going on.

[195] Let me fast forward until I see somebody turn into a werewolf.

[196] I want to see the best latest technology and the dude turn into a werewolf and just fucking people up.

[197] I just think those are the craziest movies.

[198] American Werewolf in London got me hooked.

[199] I saw that shit in 1981 and I was a werewolf fan.

[200] I was done.

[201] But do they still do all the shit like Lon Chaney?

[202] That's the problem with this Wolfman movie.

[203] They went with a mask.

[204] It's Benicio Del Toro in a mask.

[205] And he's like, rawr.

[206] And his lower jaw sticks out too low.

[207] But they don't show the transformation of them.

[208] They do.

[209] The transformation show.

[210] Coming out of their arms and the fucking thing.

[211] Yeah, no, they do.

[212] I mean, there's a lot of cool CGI in the transformation.

[213] But the final product just looks, it just doesn't look right.

[214] Because it's like, he tried to use the old Wolfman from like the 1940s or whatever the fuck it was.

[215] Was it Claude Rains, I think it was.

[216] He tried to use that version of the Wolfman and just make a more modern, updated.

[217] But after you go to America.

[218] American Werewolf in London, you can't go backwards.

[219] You can't go backwards.

[220] You can't.

[221] Because American Werewolf in London, that fucking thing was evil, man. It was like a dog, person, demon thing.

[222] It was on four legs.

[223] Is that him blowing?

[224] Yeah, fuck yeah, it's on Blu -ray.

[225] I got that shit, son.

[226] And when they're running from it and you just see it, they did that movie so well, you don't really get to see it that much because the technology was not that good.

[227] The only one time you get to actually see the werewolf, he's going through the streets of London, snapping people's heads off.

[228] Remember when he was running through the streets and everybody's freaking out in car accidents and shit?

[229] That's the only time you get to see it moving around.

[230] Every other time in the movie, it's like you barely see it, but you see enough that it's fucking terrifying.

[231] And the transformation scene just off the chain.

[232] You know, that's the kind of shit that we had in 1981, okay?

[233] Now what do they have?

[234] They have vampires that don't bite people and werewolves that just growl at everybody and can change back and forth when they want.

[235] What the fuck have we come to?

[236] The fuck have we come to, Joey?

[237] Bro, I can't even.

[238] I've never watched the Twilights, but I've seen what those two little fucking half of fruitcakes look like, and I can't believe they're vampires.

[239] In my day, vampires were bad motherfucking Barnabas Collins.

[240] That's a vampire.

[241] Wow, you just went deep.

[242] Deep!

[243] That guy swung deep.

[244] I don't even know what that is.

[245] And you know, when you were a vampire, you fuck guys, you fuck chicks.

[246] It don't matter.

[247] You're a vampire.

[248] You ain't gay.

[249] You just sling dick, you fucking dogs.

[250] It don't matter.

[251] You're a fucking animal.

[252] You know what I'm saying?

[253] Like Gary Oldman?

[254] Gary Oldman?

[255] Gary Oldman.

[256] Get the fuck out of here.

[257] You know, you gotta, these vampires are too, I don't know how to say it, they're too plain game for me. They're fucking Disney.

[258] It's Disney.

[259] It's, we've got a whole group of kids now that are growing up with horrible, mediocre entertainment that's designed just for them.

[260] As opposed to when we were kids, there were still fucking kids shows.

[261] You had Sesame Street, you know, you had a fucking, a couple other different shows, you know, that you could watch that were like kid -oriented shows.

[262] Then everything else was a fucking adult show.

[263] Bro, the only kid show I ever watched is Betty Hill, like a motherfucker anyway.

[264] That's a kid's show in Jersey.

[265] That was a kid's show in Jersey.

[266] That was an adult show in England.

[267] That was a kid's show.

[268] What a fucking great show.

[269] And every once in a while they show you a tit or an ass.

[270] And when you were six you lost your fucking mind for a week.

[271] He was like the first guy to figure out that very simple combination.

[272] Tits.

[273] Tits.

[274] Tits and comedy and silliness.

[275] And an accent to boot.

[276] That dude started the accent way before Jimmy Masada hired that English chick to answer the phone.

[277] English people do make you think that shit is legit.

[278] That's why they use them for those late night infomercials.

[279] It's always an English person describing some product.

[280] Like, God.

[281] People pay more attention.

[282] They think they're cooler or something.

[283] Dude, when you meet a chick that has an accent from over there, I don't know, but it makes her like two levels hotter.

[284] Don't you think?

[285] Well, you know, English dudes say that too.

[286] Dave Bishop says that of American Girl.

[287] Oh, really?

[288] He has that American accent.

[289] He said, you're just so hot to him.

[290] I'm your soul mate, Dexter.

[291] I'm your son, mate.

[292] There's an English chick, there's a Chinese chick at the Y with an English accent.

[293] Oh, that's a power.

[294] That when you talk to her, you lose your fucking heart.

[295] Yeah, you might want to take a yoga class with that chick.

[296] Yeah, no, no, she's very nice.

[297] That's a strong combo right there.

[298] That's a double exotic, you know?

[299] That's a proper exotic and another exotic on top of that.

[300] Oh, you got to hear her.

[301] That's a strong one, too, you know?

[302] A chick like that could fuck a guy's life up.

[303] You know?

[304] You know what I'm saying?

[305] She's like that, breaks up with you and starts fucking some new guy.

[306] And you know what kind of pussy she's slinging at him.

[307] You know what kind of crazy shit she's doing to him.

[308] You know she's saying, put him in my ass.

[309] She's saying crazy shit.

[310] With that English accent to fuck you up even worse.

[311] You know what I'm saying?

[312] Yeah.

[313] You can't eat Chinese food and watch fucking Benny Hill no more because you have flashbacks.

[314] It's horrible.

[315] And you know her favorite shit.

[316] She likes to get fucked in the mouth.

[317] Come in my mouth.

[318] Was he haul competition?

[319] Was Hee Haw a competition?

[320] Yeah, was that the American version of Benny Hill?

[321] No, Hee Haw was a TV show.

[322] It was a variety show.

[323] A country show.

[324] They used to have songs.

[325] They would play songs.

[326] They would do sketches.

[327] Listen, it was a dumbass show, but when I was a kid, I enjoyed it.

[328] I used to go there for boobs also.

[329] I remember Benny Hill and Hee Haw were my two...

[330] I'll watch that for the dudes.

[331] I don't know if he all had cleavage.

[332] Yeah.

[333] They had the blondes.

[334] Benny Hill would show you an ass cheat or something, and they wouldn't catch it on Channel 9 in those days, so he got away with murder.

[335] You know what I'm saying?

[336] Benny Hill was the first guy to have a real silly show like that with him chasing after girls.

[337] That's a weird combination.

[338] And that famous song that they use all the time.

[339] And he always had a hard -on.

[340] And he fucking stressed his hard -on.

[341] This country has forgotten about the hard -on.

[342] They give no fucking respect for the hard -on no more.

[343] You're right.

[344] Benny Hill always had a hard -on.

[345] And that's because there's too many people?

[346] Do you think that when there gets overpopulation, naturally people get more reluctant to hide shit like that?

[347] Well, we disregarded the hard -on because they got Cialis now and shit.

[348] And when fucking Benny Hill...

[349] So they're just too common.

[350] The hard -on's too common now because of...

[351] dick pills.

[352] Yeah, now it don't matter.

[353] See, in the old days...

[354] It was a big deal.

[355] It was a big deal.

[356] Especially when you get too hard on, because you can take fucking pills, you know what I'm saying?

[357] Yeah, like the old days, a 62 -year -old guy that had a hard on was like, wow, that guy's excited.

[358] You know, whoa, look at him, he's got a boner, he's 62.

[359] But now it's like, oh, that old creep, he's on fucking Viagra, look at him.

[360] Have you done any research on these GNC versions of Viagra that are big right now?

[361] They're almost like, you know, they're just a bunch of vitamins and stuff like that.

[362] Chris from the Fleshlight was telling us about that.

[363] Yeah.

[364] He was telling us about one that...

[365] works yeah and the one that actually had vicodin or not vicodin but viagra in it as i came up yeah 30 of it was viagra which is weird to me because no wonder why it works right they of course they had that a booth like that at that this x -fans party i went to and the guys were selling it and he's like i'm no doctor i'm like yeah what's in this and i was looking through it and there was probably 300 different like roots and like like fucking bird tears and That's some shit that works.

[366] Because all those roots and shit, those aren't going to work on a 60 -year -old dick.

[367] Taking your fucking ginkgo biloba, that's not going to give you a boner when you're 80.

[368] But Viagra will fucking rock it.

[369] Viagra will rock it.

[370] Have you ever taken Viagra, Joey?

[371] No, but my uncle's 72 when he tells me the stories how he's banging the shit out of people.

[372] My uncle fucking stays home Sunday.

[373] He walks Griffin Park every morning, four miles.

[374] Then he goes home, eats Viagra, and fucks some chick to death.

[375] Wow.

[376] He's crazy.

[377] He's got like a 30 -year -old chick, and he just fucks her, and he goes to Lankers, and he gets pastramo, and he goes back and fucks her.

[378] Remember Brian Holtzman?

[379] I love Viagra, because now these young girls that go out with these old rich guys, they have to fuck them now.

[380] Remember that video, dude?

[381] Yeah.

[382] And his load, his load, it's like...

[383] Paint that's been sitting in your basement for a year.

[384] It's not a fresh product, ladies and gentlemen.

[385] Remember that?

[386] Remember that bit?

[387] Brian Holtzman.

[388] Brian Holtzman, ladies and gentlemen, is probably one of the funniest guys that unfortunately you're not going to hear of.

[389] Or you're not going to see on TV.

[390] You're not going to see him in a special.

[391] I hope you do.

[392] Unless you go to the comedy store.

[393] Does he still even go there?

[394] I heard he was going to the Laugh Factory.

[395] Unless he gives you a ticket.

[396] Great fucking guy.

[397] He's a parking tender.

[398] A meter -made combination dog catcher.

[399] Which, how funny is he as a fucking dog catcher?

[400] He's a goddamn reality show waiting to happen.

[401] Why doesn't someone follow him around?

[402] He's the meter man, dog catcher, and he's Brian Holtzman.

[403] One of the funniest comics.

[404] Lady, get your dog out of the street.

[405] Give him a fucking camera.

[406] put it in front of him and mic him up that's a great reality show somebody out there act on this get a hold of Brian Holtzman but Brian Holtzman is like there's only a few guys like that that you meet in your life and you go man this motherfucker like what what happened like why didn't why didn't anybody see this why he's so good why doesn't anybody see that Brody Stevens is another one.

[407] Brody's got some stuff going on.

[408] He was in The Hangover.

[409] He's got good friends that are really funny guys.

[410] Respect him.

[411] Brody Stevens should be a national headliner.

[412] He should be fucking killing it all over the country.

[413] People should be buying tickets to see him in advance and looking forward to it and getting fired up that Brody's in town.

[414] You know what the weird thing about Brody Stevens is I almost don't want him to get that famous because I love just watching Chelsea lately and seeing miscellaneous parts.

[415] in the movie The Hangover and stuff like that.

[416] It's kind of like a hidden game, like find Brody Stevens out of nowhere.

[417] That's so selfish.

[418] No, no, no, I know.

[419] Obviously, I don't mean it, but it's kind of nice only knowing who he is.

[420] They've been torching him at the store lately.

[421] He hasn't been getting spots until later.

[422] Brody, when we did The Man Show, Brody was the warm -up guy, and his warm -ups were so fucking funny.

[423] He can tell the same joke ten times in a row, and I'll ask for it.

[424] You know, I'll keep yelling out.

[425] Did you do any modeling?

[426] And he'll do his whole fucking, that whole piece that he does.

[427] They'll model in Beirut.

[428] In Pakistan.

[429] I was on the cover of Camel Beat.

[430] Enjoy it.

[431] What's Brody Stevens' Twitter name?

[432] We can just throw that out.

[433] Is that Brody Stevens?

[434] My Brody's friend or something?

[435] Yeah, I'm Brody's friend.

[436] I'm Brody's friend.

[437] I'm Brody's friend.

[438] Follow this guy.

[439] This guy's quite the beauty.

[440] You've got to follow him.

[441] He's a fucking great human being, too.

[442] And he starts Twittering at like 6 in the morning, you know.

[443] And he has the cutest dog that has the most human face I've ever seen in my life.

[444] Brody's so hilarious.

[445] I go back to Seattle with Brody.

[446] That's how long I've known Brody.

[447] When I used to drive his car to the Gig Harbor and he used to cry and I was speeding in his car.

[448] Tell us a classic Brody story.

[449] By the time we put him in the trunk and drove to Gig Harbor, he told me it would take him two hours.

[450] And I said, I'll bet you any fucking amount of money I could do in an hour.

[451] And he's like, no, you can't.

[452] And we put him in the back seat with Soundgarden Blast and he kept saying, normal people don't live like this.

[453] I'm doing 90 in the fucking right -hand lane, cutting off fucking Asians.

[454] He's like, stop, Joe Diaz.

[455] I would not want to be in the car with you reckless driving if I was high.

[456] That's the night he stopped the show because there was a bunch of head shots on the wall, and he stopped the show because there was no Jews on the wall.

[457] Not one fucking Jew.

[458] You got black people.

[459] You got white people.

[460] Where's the Jews?

[461] Next time I come here, I want a Jew on the wall.

[462] Brody gets these bad late -night spots, or at least he used to at the store, and sometimes he'd get up there, and the crowd would be dead.

[463] There'd be no one left.

[464] The show starts at 8 o 'clock at night or something like that, and Brody would be on after 1 a .m., like 1 .45 or something like that he'd go on, and he would just start playing the drums.

[465] He would pull chairs up and pull out his drumsticks and start playing the drums and just start ad -libbing and fucking around, and before you know it, you had a fucking show.

[466] You know, there was eight people there, but that was a rockin' eight, you know?

[467] And that's one thing that that creepy place was the best for.

[468] The best for.

[469] Giving you those little tiny -ass crowds.

[470] Those tiny -ass crowds where there was no one in the audience and people barely paying attention, but every now and then someone would go up and just do something magical in that zero crowd.

[471] Eight people was all I needed.

[472] Four.

[473] Let me tell you a story about you.

[474] Let me tell you a story about you.

[475] Joey Diaz, one night, we were at the Comedy Store, and it was one of those nights where it was kind of dead.

[476] What was it, a Sunday?

[477] When you get on stage and you were doing the Ozzy Osbourne.

[478] Oh, that was a Saturday in the main room.

[479] And it was late at night.

[480] Late at night.

[481] Nobody.

[482] This is the early day.

[483] The Comedy Store went through some dark periods where we got real bad crowds for a long time.

[484] And this was like...

[485] Pre -Fear Factor, right?

[486] This was a long time ago.

[487] Yeah, in between NewsRadio and Fear Factor.

[488] Okay, so...

[489] So it's one of these late nights, and there's only maybe like fucking literally like five audience members left in this main room.

[490] And Joey goes on stage, and Joey tells him to put on, what is it, War Pig?

[491] Yeah.

[492] He tells him to put on War Pig.

[493] And he fucking cranks War Pig, and Joey fucking sings along, takes his shirt off, and screaming into the microphone on key with every lyric, and the place goes fucking bananas.

[494] Bananas.

[495] I had to say it there because that's what it was.

[496] Everybody was going nuts.

[497] Everybody came in from the fucking kitchen.

[498] All the comics that were still left in the OR came in.

[499] The dudes in the parking lot came in.

[500] By the time Joey was off stage, it went from 10 people to the only 30 people that were in the whole fucking building.

[501] And we were just clapping and laughing.

[502] It was like, there's these magical moments where you know a dude just hits some rare place on stage where he's just free as fuck.

[503] And that place, That place at the Comedy Store, there were so many of those moments.

[504] That's where it took you to the Comedy Store.

[505] When you did it, it was such the moment.

[506] It was so real because there was no one there.

[507] There was no one there.

[508] It wasn't like you could, large audiences, sometimes you can trick them.

[509] You can sing and sound like fucking some other singer and they clap and they love you and in the end they give you a big standing ovation.

[510] But it's really a bunch of dumb shit.

[511] You've just entertained them sufficiently.

[512] But you're not going to get that kind of response out of like five people.

[513] When there's only five people there, you've got to give them some real shit.

[514] It's got to come from some crazy place inside you.

[515] When there's like five or six people, there can be no fat in your act.

[516] That's where your jokes sound so gross and jokey.

[517] Like all the unnecessary parts of your act, they just seem so stupid.

[518] Because now you're only talking to a few people.

[519] It teaches you.

[520] That's one thing I give the comedy store.

[521] I'll never take it away from the comedy store.

[522] I never hit...

[523] magical moments like that at another club.

[524] The original room and the main room, but emphasis on the original room after midnight.

[525] See, a lot of comics you'll talk to, and they go, I'm getting 12, 15 spots.

[526] Little do you know, for a guy like me, a 12, 15 spot is a gold, because I go in there and do what the fuck I want to do, which is really what comedy really is in a way.

[527] You know, it's unprepared.

[528] You go in there.

[529] If you go up there with three of your jokes about me and my girlfriend broke up, it's going to be a long 15 minutes.

[530] You know that.

[531] And that's what the comedy store pulled out of you.

[532] and pulled out how to entertain.

[533] I love going up and there'd be four people.

[534] That's my world.

[535] That's my fucking world.

[536] That's my world.

[537] Four or five people on a Tuesday night somewhere at the Ha Ha or something.

[538] That's as fun as it gets.

[539] When they start laughing and rocking, it's so genuine.

[540] Those moments are so genuine.

[541] There's no fat in those small crowds, man. It's a totally different style of comedy.

[542] And that's something I realized when I started doing larger venues.

[543] It's harder sometimes to be one -on -one real with a large venue.

[544] Because you don't want to give them too much dead air time.

[545] You don't want to give them too much time to contemplate.

[546] There's too many people.

[547] It's just too hard to control all of them anyway.

[548] It becomes more of like a show.

[549] Whereas if you're doing it for just a few people, there's something fucking crazy about that, man. Ever tell you the Dangerfield story where we did comedy?

[550] Like, four different guys did comedy for two people.

[551] We were at Dangerfield.

[552] The show was supposed to start at like 8 o 'clock or something like that.

[553] My spot was at like 9 .30.

[554] I got there at 9 o 'clock, and everybody's just waiting in the bar.

[555] I'm like, what's going on?

[556] Like, no one's here.

[557] No one.

[558] No one.

[559] No crowd at all.

[560] Nothing.

[561] So what do we do?

[562] Do we leave?

[563] No, we're going to wait for people to show up, see if anybody shows up.

[564] So we wait, okay?

[565] And we're there for maybe 15 minutes, and a couple walks in.

[566] And there was a guy, Bobby, who was the doorman, this big fucking powerlifting Scottish guy.

[567] He was this guy who used to do powerlifting with fucking bags of cement.

[568] He would take bags of cement and pour them into those big white plastic buckets and do fucking powerlifting with them.

[569] And he was just a gorilla, just a gorilla of a man and a crazy sense of humor.

[570] He was probably way funnier than 99 % of the comedians that ever worked at Dangerfields.

[571] Funnier than me when I was a kid, for sure.

[572] I was like, how come this guy is the doorman?

[573] He's fucking hilarious.

[574] And I'm some dildo trying to do stand -up without a view of the world yet.

[575] And I'm the one on stage.

[576] So anyway, the couple walks in.

[577] He goes, come right this way, ladies and gentlemen.

[578] Show's about to stop.

[579] You know, this crazy Scottish accent.

[580] Terrible impression of him, by the way.

[581] Pulls him down, sits him down.

[582] The people are sitting in this room like, we're by ourselves.

[583] What's going on?

[584] Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Dangerfields.

[585] Please welcome your host.

[586] And whoever the fuck the host was.

[587] And the host goes out there by himself.

[588] And he does stand up for this couple.

[589] And he does like 20 minutes.

[590] And then he brings on the next act.

[591] The next act is a half an hour.

[592] Then he brings on the next act.

[593] And he does in a half an hour.

[594] And then he brought on me. And I did a half an hour.

[595] And I brought on somebody else.

[596] And these fucking people sat there and watched a whole comedy show.

[597] Just two people.

[598] And they sat through the whole thing.

[599] They probably felt trapped.

[600] But they probably had a blast, too.

[601] They had a blast eventually.

[602] They've seen comedy from a different angle.

[603] There were some good comics.

[604] Take your water, Brian.

[605] There were some good comics that night.

[606] Dangerfields was a good place to work out.

[607] It was very similar to the Comedy Store.

[608] Nobody was there that was going to watch you.

[609] There was no industry people there.

[610] Dangerfields is not where you're going to meet your manager or your agent.

[611] It's this weird little club that only the comics like.

[612] Because in a place like the Comedy Store, the good thing about, like a lot of people are like, oh, industry won't come to the Comedy Store.

[613] I'm like, well, you don't get this kind of a club.

[614] this kind of an atmosphere if the agencies want to come here.

[615] They don't want to come to this kind of place.

[616] They want to come to the kind of place where they're taken care of, it's very professional, and the manager takes care of their tab and seats them and shakes their hand and kisses their ass.

[617] The comedy store never gives a fuck about the agents.

[618] They don't give a fuck about you.

[619] You don't even get free tickets.

[620] Fuck you.

[621] The only way they get free tickets is if you call in.

[622] You say, hey, I need two tickets for my agent.

[623] Then the agent gets free tickets.

[624] If the agent's on his own, he's fucked.

[625] You're going to have to pay.

[626] It costs $20, and this guy over here, he's going to take your money.

[627] They don't do that in other clubs.

[628] But because of that, that place was just this place where you just saw wild shit.

[629] I saw your dick there at least 100 times.

[630] There was at least 100 times where Joey pulled his dick out.

[631] Jealous.

[632] The one that I took my fucking dick out.

[633] That's the first time ever.

[634] What the fuck's her name?

[635] The female comic.

[636] Oh, the one that sued Don Barris?

[637] Yes.

[638] What is her name?

[639] Judy.

[640] Judy Canciotti.

[641] Yeah, okay.

[642] So this is what happens.

[643] She goes on stage.

[644] We shouldn't have said her name.

[645] She goes on stage.

[646] So she's on stage and she's not doing very well.

[647] And we're all barbecued.

[648] We're high as fuck.

[649] It's eight people.

[650] It's a Monday night.

[651] It's a Monday night.

[652] There's nobody there.

[653] There's no one there.

[654] It was a small crowd.

[655] While she's on stage, Joey goes into the back area.

[656] There's like this backstage area that's like in the OR.

[657] The OR is a small room.

[658] It only seats about $1 .50.

[659] But it does have a stage with a little backstage area.

[660] So Joey goes into the backstage area.

[661] He goes into the backstage area.

[662] It takes off all of his clothes.

[663] And he waits.

[664] And so she's doing her act.

[665] And when she gets to her punchlines, she hits the punchline.

[666] And Joey opens the curtains and shakes his dick and then closes them up real quick.

[667] And the people go crazy.

[668] And you see this spark in her eye.

[669] Like, the jokes are finally working.

[670] Like, I'm finally doing it.

[671] Oh, my God.

[672] Now I see what it's like.

[673] You could see her loosen up and get confident.

[674] You could see her relax.

[675] And every time she hit a punchline, Joey would pop open that curtain, shake his dick, and close it.

[676] And the people were fucking just stomping their feet, laughing, slapping their tables.

[677] She never did know that you did that.

[678] I don't think she ever knew.

[679] She never knew you did that.

[680] We couldn't break her heart.

[681] She thought that.

[682] She was on the phone with CAA that morning.

[683] She had so much confidence the next night.

[684] You remember the next time we saw her on stage?

[685] No. And the same jokes just didn't work.

[686] It just weren't the same.

[687] She had the magic.

[688] She had it for one night.

[689] And she didn't even know.

[690] I wonder if she's thinking back to what she ate that night.

[691] Like, I've got to eat the same food every day.

[692] She's been eating bologna sandwiches for the last 20 years.

[693] It's hard to talk shit about anybody who's not funny because nobody's funny in the beginning.

[694] It's like, how come some people figure out how to be funny and some people don't?

[695] I mean, funny is a strange thing.

[696] There's some folks that might be intelligent, they might be cool, but there's something about them that's just not funny.

[697] No matter how hard they try, for whatever reason, it just doesn't seem to connect.

[698] We've all known guys who've been open micers for 20 years, right?

[699] You know those guys?

[700] Yeah.

[701] And they're happy there.

[702] Some of them.

[703] Some of them still can't figure out what the fuck it is.

[704] You know what's weird?

[705] I've been following really weird people on Twitter lately, but I've been following Dexter's...

[706] ex -wife, or I guess wife, no spoiler alert, but the main girl from Dexter on Twitter.

[707] It is so weird to follow somebody that you know...

[708] Supposed to be dead or something?

[709] Right, or that's supposed to be like, oh my god, I shouldn't be following her.

[710] Dexter's going to get pissed.

[711] I saw what he did to the neighbor.

[712] You know about that dude that thought he was Dexter?

[713] That dude up in British Columbia?

[714] Really?

[715] I haven't heard this.

[716] He was a giant, crazy Dexter fan and ended up committing a murder and getting caught.

[717] for it i do feel like after watching that show so much that i find myself doing things like you know like uh uh like i'm always thinking twice like what would my dad do you know i'm like wait a second i'm not i'm just getting the mail when you watch 10 episodes of the fucking one shot stone that's gotta be psychological damage that's a dark show and it's kind of weird yeah It's good, though, huh?

[718] The first season?

[719] By the way, now I can talk about it.

[720] I thought the John Lithgow season was the best season.

[721] Oh, okay.

[722] Maybe it was.

[723] I mean, what I said was only based on the very first episode that I saw.

[724] Granted, I was getting a little tired of the whole every week somebody gets murdered thing.

[725] Yeah.

[726] For whatever reason.

[727] There was a formula to it that if you get caught in that formula.

[728] Okay, it's 20 minutes late.

[729] Right.

[730] 20 minutes left in the show.

[731] Who's he going to kill?

[732] Well, you know, I tell you what.

[733] That whole Schmitz third season, whatever his name is, Jimmy Schmitz or whatever his name is.

[734] I thought that was the worst season.

[735] I hated that season.

[736] Did you?

[737] Yeah, I did not like that season.

[738] I did not mind it, but it wasn't the best.

[739] The best season was the first one.

[740] The first one was the best.

[741] First of all, the first one was a motherfucker because...

[742] I understand the guy got sick and he had some health problems, but in the first one, he looked like a killer.

[743] He was built.

[744] I didn't buy him when he lost all that muscle.

[745] I know it sounds silly, but I'm like, you're jiu -jitsuing people and you look like a skinny, non -athletic guy.

[746] I never even thought he had muscle to begin with.

[747] If you look at the first one, you know what it looks like to me?

[748] There's dudes that you go to jiu -jitsu with and you see them and they're purple belts or something like that and you look at them and you're like, this fucking guy is going to be a pain in the ass.

[749] It's going to be hard to roll with this guy.

[750] like a big neck, strong shoulders.

[751] I'm like, this is going to be a battle.

[752] You just look at him.

[753] That's kind of what he looked like in the first season.

[754] He looked like a dude who's like a sturdy dude, you know?

[755] I bought that he was like this killer.

[756] And it made him look just a little more sinister.

[757] Even though he was polite, he looked so much like a victim.

[758] Yeah, but maybe that's why they picked Jonathan Lithgow.

[759] Because they're like, oh, anyone can beat him.

[760] Here's my problem.

[761] And this is, I mean, granted, I'm a commentator for fucking cage fighting.

[762] But when John Lithgow got her in that weak -ass rear naked choke, I was like, what the?

[763] You ain't could put nobody to sleep with that bitch.

[764] You know what's so funny?

[765] And the fucking chick with a buck.

[766] People buck.

[767] They don't just lay there and accept the fact that you're choking them.

[768] Let me tell you.

[769] you something my daughter who she's fucking two okay she's 30 pounds she had something stuck in her nose last night all right and it was a she she had a little barbie doll shoe and she fucking shoved it up her nose and it was like up her nose and she was pawing at it and i had to hold her down and get it out of her nose and dude she's fucking 30 pounds and she's screaming and freaking and kicking and i can barely get a hold of her nose and hold her little tiny head to pull this thing out John Lithgow's got some woman, a grown -ass woman, who knows some crazy man's about to fuck her dead body.

[770] And she's just going to go, oh my God, you're putting me to sleep.

[771] Shut the fuck up.

[772] Retake that.

[773] I wouldn't want to grab the actor.

[774] I wouldn't want to grab the actor and just hold him down and just start smacking him in the face.

[775] Come on, get up.

[776] Get up.

[777] Get up.

[778] Have him fucking freak out.

[779] Have him think that you're going to die.

[780] Like, you might die in this.

[781] I might not ever let you up, you fuck.

[782] I might just beat the fuck out of you to death right here.

[783] And there's nothing you can do about it.

[784] Well, that's how you feel when someone's choking you to death in a bathtub.

[785] You don't just, oh, he's got me. That was stupid.

[786] You know what, though?

[787] It's like, it's so funny because while I'm watching it, doing John Lithgow, doing these moves and stuff, I'm like thinking of you watching this.

[788] And I'm like, oh, you know, Joe's just getting pissed right now.

[789] You know, but what's so funny is that you get so mad about just the choke that like.

[790] To me, I'm like, all right, I'll buy the choke, but I can't buy that fucking cell phone.

[791] It looks like it was made in paintbrush.

[792] You're like, incoming call?

[793] Where are you at?

[794] When you look at the graphics, you know there's no fucking phone that makes that graphic.

[795] What, Celltech?

[796] Celltech is not a real phone company.

[797] That's hilarious.

[798] To me, that scene where he kills that woman in the tub is just as unrealistic as Spock grabbing people by the neck and putting them to sleep.

[799] That's just like a ninja death touch to me. People freak the fuck out when you're choking them.

[800] They hyperventilate, they kick, they spaz.

[801] That's made by someone who's never seen anybody get choked, and the guy who's doing it's never choked anybody, and the girl's never been choked.

[802] They should have been freaking the fuck out.

[803] You don't just choke someone like that.

[804] They go crazy.

[805] They try to survive.

[806] You're in a fucking bathtub with a naked old dude.

[807] Yeah.

[808] He's behind you and you just kind of just, you would bite that motherfucker.

[809] You'd be fighting for your life at that point.

[810] I would be more believable that he would move his blood samples out of the air conditioning unit after the first, second, third or fourth time.

[811] See, I'm thinking more of shit like that.

[812] I'm like, come on, you take your fucking blood samples and you put it underneath the toilet or something.

[813] Yeah, I didn't need that.

[814] I didn't need that little thing, that evidence, the little thing that he, you know, the trophies.

[815] Right.

[816] I didn't need that.

[817] But I guess that's a thing that serial killers do though.

[818] Well, yeah, I agree.

[819] But, you know, I look at a show like that but then you know last week eddie said that he liked true blood and and i just get so angry i've been fighting people off twitter all week about true blood lovers another goddamn vampire show how many vampire shows are there now there's a new one there's a new one yeah what the fuck what happened to the fucking capes what happened to the black shirt with the fucking thing what happened to the thing that they hypnotize you with they're just fucking evolved that's it no cape no nothing short but fucking pale That Robert Patterson looks like he's been getting punched in the nose and the other fucking kid and the chick.

[820] I don't know, bro.

[821] I don't even play the vampire thing, guys.

[822] I don't even fucking go there.

[823] I don't go halfway there.

[824] My wife watches True Blood.

[825] I leave the fucking house.

[826] You understand me on Sunday nights?

[827] I don't like none of that shit.

[828] I don't know where it came from.

[829] It just snuck up on us like fucking Andy.

[830] I know.

[831] It just snuck up on us.

[832] A swarm of vampire bullshit.

[833] CW got a show now.

[834] ABC got a show.

[835] Everybody got a show about that.

[836] Listen, bro.

[837] I don't know.

[838] I'm out of my fucking way.

[839] What's that other?

[840] popular show with kids right now.

[841] There's another vampire show.

[842] Vampire Diaries.

[843] Vampire Diaries.

[844] That one.

[845] What the fuck?

[846] And there's another one that's just about to start that's brand new that's coming out soon.

[847] Can you have too many fucking vampires?

[848] Will there be a bounce back?

[849] Can we expect?

[850] I don't know because there's people in the chat room that are saying, dude, True Blood is legit.

[851] You know what I'm saying?

[852] See, they just don't fucking get what we're talking about.

[853] Just the fact that there's a chat room of people talking about it.

[854] That fucking kills me right there.

[855] That destroys my entire life.

[856] Dude, people, life is too goddamn easy.

[857] People are soft as fuck.

[858] They are soft as shit on a hot summer day.

[859] Jesus Christ.

[860] People are fucking soft.

[861] And they're not even interesting fucking vampires.

[862] That's what I'm saying to you.

[863] They have no character.

[864] Well, they don't kill anybody.

[865] They live off animals, at least the Twilight ones.

[866] He lives off animals, and he can go outside in the daytime.

[867] What?

[868] You know what they've done?

[869] They've pretty much taken the soap opera, a dying thing.

[870] They've taken off the evil guy with the patch and made him a vampire.

[871] Yeah.

[872] And that's what the shows you guys are watching is fucking soap operas with vampires.

[873] Dude, guys, I'm not going to lie to you.

[874] I bought the fucking movie.

[875] The first one with Wesley Snipes, Spade.

[876] Oh, Blade.

[877] That's Spade.

[878] David Spade.

[879] David Spade.

[880] I don't fucking know.

[881] Blade, Spade.

[882] Let me tell you something.

[883] I bought that.

[884] If Spade wasn't a name for a black guy, it wouldn't be nearly as funny.

[885] When he fucking met with the Chinese people.

[886] I bought that shit.

[887] I was like, those Chinese people are fucking vampires.

[888] I was a huge Blade.

[889] I was a big Blade fan when I was a kid.

[890] But that's it.

[891] That's where it ends.

[892] I don't want to see all this new shit.

[893] Guys with a Rastafarian hair and true blood to the vampires.

[894] That's bullshit.

[895] I don't like that shit.

[896] It scares me. I don't fucking want to see it.

[897] When I was a kid, Blade was one of my favorite comic books.

[898] That was a badass character.

[899] Was he black even then?

[900] Yeah, he was black.

[901] And he used to have little knives made out of teak wood.

[902] He would kill people with teak because they were all vampires.

[903] So he would kill them with wood.

[904] So he had wood knives made out of this really hard wood.

[905] I love that stuff.

[906] Everything else, I got to tell you guys, I don't even fucking put this shit on.

[907] They changed so much about the whole vampire lore.

[908] I mean, the whole thing.

[909] What the fuck happened to Transylvania?

[910] Did they just blow this motherfucker up?

[911] I want to see where the fuck the iPhone is to fucking Transylvania.

[912] When I was a kid, you want to see a vampire, we got to go to Transylvania.

[913] Now they don't even talk about fucking Transylvania.

[914] It just disappeared.

[915] Go look it up.

[916] Fucking Transylvania.

[917] What the fuck is it?

[918] It's in Pennsylvania, isn't it?

[919] They were Russian people.

[920] They had an accent and shit like that where they were from Bulgaria.

[921] All of a sudden, now they're fucking Spanish.

[922] So if I was a smart man, everyone should bet money what the next monster is going to be.

[923] It's not going to be vampires.

[924] What's the next thing?

[925] Bigfoot's going to come back, make a comeback or something?

[926] Well, there's another vampire thing by Guillermo del Toro.

[927] I don't know how to say his name.

[928] How do you say his name?

[929] Guillermo?

[930] Yeah, Guillermo.

[931] Guillermo del Toro.

[932] He wrote a book called The Strain.

[933] And I read the book.

[934] It wasn't that good.

[935] It started off really good.

[936] It started off like, wow, this is a crazy -ass vampire movie.

[937] This is really suspenseful.

[938] But then towards the end, it was almost like he was just trying to finish it.

[939] And then the guy jumps out of the car.

[940] The guy kills him.

[941] It was really bad.

[942] Towards the end, it's almost like he was trying to jam a six -series book, or a two - or three -series book, rather, into one book.

[943] So it dies.

[944] But they're going to do something with that.

[945] They're going to make that some sort of a big event.

[946] But at least he's a murderous evil.

[947] evil fucking vampire and he and then he runs you know like takes over new york city it's pretty crazy shit but it just ends bad you know maybe if they can fix the ending but the in the writing in the script i mean it maybe it was creatively directed and they did a good job with it but the writing was just it was kind of clumsy at the end but what what is it about people that are fucking obsessed with vampires out of all the animal all monsters all the things to be worried about in the world Why would it be vampires?

[948] It's not that they're obsessed.

[949] It's the hot thing right now.

[950] In two years, this vampire thing will be gone.

[951] Twilight, those two fucking half a fags will be dead somewhere.

[952] I'm telling you, I think it's going to keep going.

[953] You know why I think it's going to keep going?

[954] Sex in the city.

[955] I didn't understand Sex and the City.

[956] I couldn't believe that.

[957] I mean, I watched it a couple times.

[958] I'm like, yeah, it's kind of a cool show, but it's not just that people like it, but they go fucking crazy for it.

[959] Girls love it.

[960] They respond to it.

[961] It resonates in them in a way that a guy can't understand.

[962] To a guy like you or I, you watch it, you go, that's a funny show.

[963] But to them, it's like a movement.

[964] It's like something that validates them.

[965] This fucking movie, the last one when they went to Dubai, I saw more people get fired up about going to see Sex in the City.

[966] Did you see it?

[967] No. You saw it, though.

[968] Right.

[969] We talked about that.

[970] Was it terrible?

[971] No, it's not bad.

[972] It wasn't bad.

[973] It's not bad.

[974] It's not all right.

[975] I seen the first one on cable when the second one came out.

[976] I was in a hotel room.

[977] It wasn't bad, guys.

[978] I think what that is for women.

[979] And then Joey called me and we talked about it for two hours.

[980] That's the kind of resonating entertainment for women.

[981] Okay, that Twilight is for young girls.

[982] Not just young girls.

[983] Women in their 30s are in Twilight.

[984] Yeah, women in their 40s are in Twilight.

[985] There's a romantic aspect to the vampires.

[986] There's something in the writing.

[987] I know how we can do it.

[988] We can kill vampires today, guys.

[989] We make a movie about vampires that cheat.

[990] Vampires are cheaters.

[991] I don't want to be an asshole.

[992] I never watch any movies.

[993] They eat baby and they suck cock.

[994] They don't even suck blood.

[995] They just suck cock.

[996] What is the whole thing of Twilight?

[997] Well, they're vampires.

[998] There's a family of vampires, and they try not to eat people because they're nice.

[999] But why are the women in love with them?

[1000] Because they don't cheat.

[1001] Vampires don't cheat.

[1002] He's super romantic.

[1003] If you read the book, it's all about him being really romantic.

[1004] He's this guy that lived hundreds of years ago.

[1005] Meanwhile, he's a fucking pedo.

[1006] He's banging some high school chick.

[1007] The whole thing's kind of creepy when you think about it.

[1008] The guy's fucking 300 years old, and he's hanging out with some 17 -year -old chick.

[1009] What the fuck do you have to say to a chick who's 17 when you're 300?

[1010] My problem is the chick in that movie.

[1011] You know what I'm saying?

[1012] What the fuck do you have to say?

[1013] The biggest problem in those movies is the chick, though.

[1014] She chose somebody that's dead instead of somebody that just turns into a dog once in a while, but he's alive.

[1015] Could you imagine if that chick was trying to talk to you about some stupid new song that was out?

[1016] Like, oh my god, I love this song.

[1017] You'd be like, bitch, I was around when they didn't have cars.

[1018] Do you understand that?

[1019] There was no photographs when I was born.

[1020] My friends had a fucking triangle.

[1021] That was it.

[1022] You want to come talk to me about an organ?

[1023] We used to find our way across oceans by staring at the stars.

[1024] What do you want to talk to me about, you stupid fuck?

[1025] He would just kill her and eat her.

[1026] He wouldn't be able to take that bullshit.

[1027] 300 -year -old man talking to a 17 -year -old girl.

[1028] You're 44 years old.

[1029] Can you talk to a 17 -year -old?

[1030] Fuck no. You could talk to her like she's a nice kid.

[1031] Like, so what do you want to do when you get out of college?

[1032] So what are you thinking?

[1033] Well, that sounds cool.

[1034] Yeah, well, that's a child.

[1035] This guy's banging her.

[1036] This is a stupid -ass fucking movie.

[1037] The premise is absolutely, completely ridiculous.

[1038] It would have been way better if it was a grown woman in her 20s or 30s or something, gets divorced, branches out of her own, meets a vampire, falls in love.

[1039] That would work.

[1040] This fucking high school chick, he's going to high school, and he's banging a 17 -year -old, and no one thinks that's crazy.

[1041] Forget about the fact that he's even a vampire.

[1042] He's interested in her.

[1043] She's fascinating to him.

[1044] It's a fucking baby.

[1045] It's a baby.

[1046] Imagine how young a 17 -year -old girl is to you.

[1047] You're 44.

[1048] What the fuck would it be if you were 300?

[1049] You know?

[1050] I mean, what are you talking to her now?

[1051] What would my balls look like if I was 300?

[1052] That motherfucker can speak Latin, and he's talking to the 17 -year -old.

[1053] And if you were 300 years old, you'd be fucking black chicks by then.

[1054] You'd be done with the white race altogether.

[1055] You'd be like fucking...

[1056] You'd be getting the darkest black girl you can find.

[1057] Why does that happen with so many older Italian guys?

[1058] Like De Niro -type guys?

[1059] Bill Maher's all black, too.

[1060] They just go, fuck white bitches.

[1061] I'm tired of it.

[1062] I'm tired of it.

[1063] You don't want to get freaky?

[1064] You want to complain?

[1065] You don't want to shake that ass.

[1066] You're not down for the party?

[1067] Get the fuck out.

[1068] Go, go.

[1069] I'm done.

[1070] I'm done.

[1071] Alan Thicke's all black, too, I heard.

[1072] Alan Thicke.

[1073] Alan Thicke is a cool motherfucker.

[1074] Dude, he gets it on the side.

[1075] We had Alan Thicke on Fear Factor.

[1076] He did Celebrity Edition.

[1077] That dude is funny as fuck.

[1078] Smooth, professional, always got a smile on his face.

[1079] One -liners just coming left and right totally naturally.

[1080] I was kidding about Alan Thicke.

[1081] Hilarious.

[1082] Hilarious.

[1083] What'd you say?

[1084] I was kidding about that Alan Thicke thing.

[1085] Oh, you didn't make up something about it.

[1086] Hey, look, what about this chick that went around the world on the raft?

[1087] Fill me in.

[1088] Fill me the fuck up.

[1089] Dude, you know, we need to quit letting these stupid young chicks get on rafts just because they want to break records.

[1090] There has to be, like, laws against this.

[1091] They had a saver and they put her back on the boat.

[1092] Yeah, it's fucking retarded.

[1093] That's what Farmville is for, chick.

[1094] Well, you know what, man?

[1095] It's irresponsible of our parents, man. It just flat out is.

[1096] There's no way you can have your shit totally together at 16 years of age.

[1097] There's no way.

[1098] You should be allowed not just out there living in an apartment by yourself or staying in a hotel room by yourself, unsupervised.

[1099] You might be a little bit naive about the way the world works.

[1100] You might not have ever been fucked over.

[1101] You might not truly understand how deceptive people can be.

[1102] You shouldn't even let your 16 -year -old be by herself in a big...

[1103] You're going to let her out in the ocean, you crazy fuck?

[1104] You're going to let her get on a boat?

[1105] She's apparently a really good boater.

[1106] What location?

[1107] I don't know.

[1108] I just want to know where it started and where it's supposed to be.

[1109] I was just looking pictures of her.

[1110] I just want to know where it starts, where it ends.

[1111] What's the story, Brian?

[1112] 16 -year -old girl, right?

[1113] 16 -year -old girl lost C. Butthole.

[1114] Butthole.

[1115] Two words?

[1116] Two holes.

[1117] First one.

[1118] Now click on images and let me know that there's a butthole.

[1119] By the way, have you seen that Miley Cyrus Perez Hilton shit that blew up?

[1120] This is high level internet geek shit that Brian is throwing at you.

[1121] Brian probably does this with every story in the news.

[1122] I just want to see who gets it.

[1123] Who gets the first butthole.

[1124] Someone will put up a Goatsy and attach it somehow with tags, and it will be on Google Images, and he'll hack his way to the first position.

[1125] Absolutely.

[1126] You know what happened to my girl, Miley Cyrus?

[1127] Yeah, so Perez Hilton was showing Miley Cyrus' vajayjay on his website.

[1128] There's a picture of it.

[1129] Someone took a picture of it.

[1130] I don't know who took a picture of it.

[1131] All right, so Miley Cyrus was getting out of a car, and there was like a Britney Spears crotch shot.

[1132] And Perez didn't put it on his website.

[1133] He Twittered it.

[1134] And then, like, a couple hours later, the picture was taken down from TwitPic or whatever you put it up.

[1135] Now, the picture is fucking vagina, whatever her name is, Miley Cyrus' vagina.

[1136] And people are, like, saying, you know, that's child porn.

[1137] She's 17 and stuff like that.

[1138] So then there was, like, this whole movement showing that the other pictures from that day, like, you know, minutes or seconds before, and it shows her having underwear on.

[1139] Perez went on his website saying today, hey, that's not a real picture, blah, blah, blah.

[1140] It's been Photoshopped, blah, blah, blah.

[1141] Doesn't matter.

[1142] Right, right.

[1143] So, but then you go to what would Tyler Durden do, www .tdd .com, and there's pictures of her from the same shoot where he doesn't show the underwear.

[1144] Like you can't see the underwear anymore.

[1145] So you think the underwear was photoshopped on?

[1146] So now it's doing that whole shit when Britney Spears people did this too.

[1147] They're fucking putting fake photos out to cover up fake or real photos.

[1148] Right.

[1149] So that Snopes or something grabs it and looks at it and goes, oh, here's her.

[1150] That's not really her vagina.

[1151] Yeah.

[1152] And it's probably Perez's.

[1153] And people love to do the opposite, right?

[1154] It's Perez's people probably too.

[1155] Well, they should be.

[1156] He's pretty web savvy, right?

[1157] I mean, he owns a giant website.

[1158] Yeah, but even if you put up a photo of a fake vagina on a 17 -year -old, I believe it's illegal.

[1159] Absolutely, it's illegal.

[1160] Well, that's why on the board, the mods have pulled pictures down many times where it was girls that even just looked like they were under 18.

[1161] You know, because you don't want to get caught with that kind of shit, man. That's some serious, serious, serious shit.

[1162] Even just like a fake picture of a young girl's pussy can get you locked up.

[1163] You know, you're getting a lot of problems.

[1164] Prince is a fucking retard, dude.

[1165] When he used to make fun of Adam Sandler's kid and doing all that bullshit, that dude just needs to be shut up.

[1166] He would benefit from three years in jail, I think.

[1167] Well, that's why that dude beat him up in the black eyed peas, whatever.

[1168] That's embarrassing enough.

[1169] Listening to him afterwards was so ridiculous when he was sitting on the couch going, violence is never the answer.

[1170] Oh my God.

[1171] Yes, it is.

[1172] You need the fuck beat out of you.

[1173] You want to fuck with people?

[1174] People are going to hit you in the head, stupid.

[1175] The only thing that protects you from that is the law.

[1176] All right, that's it.

[1177] Human beings want to pass that.

[1178] They want to just find their way around that.

[1179] They want to cause you pain.

[1180] You know why?

[1181] Because you're putting out a lot of negative energy.

[1182] You know what I want to see?

[1183] Jonathan Lithgow and Perez in a bathtub, him choking him out from behind.

[1184] I want to see that.

[1185] Do you think that he would struggle?

[1186] No, I think he would just let it go, let it happen.

[1187] Do you think his butthole would open up like a flower?

[1188] Like a fleshlight.

[1189] And just lock a hole in Lithgow's body and pull him into his asshole?

[1190] Like a garbage disposal?

[1191] His butthole's got fucking shark teeth in it and shit.

[1192] He is so fucking disgusting, that Perez Hilton, bro.

[1193] He is so fucking disgusting as a human being.

[1194] I look at him, I don't get it, man. His whole site is set up to be mean to people.

[1195] And some of it's funny.

[1196] I think some of what he says is funny.

[1197] But, I mean, I think we could all benefit from a little less negativity in the world.

[1198] Let me tell you something.

[1199] If you live by the sword, you die by the sword.

[1200] The mean shit doesn't make me laugh.

[1201] You know, when he shits on people's kids being ugly or calls certain women ugly, you know, you don't like the way they look?

[1202] Who gives a fuck?

[1203] Unless you're saying something really funny.

[1204] You know, you shouldn't shit on them like that.

[1205] Shit on things they can't control, what their fucking kids look like.

[1206] Like, really?

[1207] That's just negative.

[1208] You know, it's not, and the people that enjoy that are cunts.

[1209] They're cunts.

[1210] The people that don't feel bad when someone's shitting on someone's kids, like, whoa, really?

[1211] You know, because they're ugly?

[1212] Man. What was you saying about Sandler's kid?

[1213] It was ugly and blah, blah, blah, and making fun of how she looked.

[1214] A kid.

[1215] Not Adam Sandler.

[1216] His kids.

[1217] I just think he's probably had a lot of people fuck with him in his life, and he's probably got a lot of pent -up hostility, if I had to guess.

[1218] I can't wait to one of those locked -up fucking rappers who don't give a fuck.

[1219] That's what happened.

[1220] The Will .i .am thing, they were so lucky that that was outside.

[1221] Yeah, but Will .i .am pulled his hair.

[1222] That ain't enough.

[1223] You know what I'm saying?

[1224] It wasn't Will .i .am.

[1225] It was another dude.

[1226] It's because, you know what, Will .i .am said, you know, I'm a fucking artist.

[1227] Like, respect me. I'm an artist.

[1228] And he goes, you're not a fucking artist.

[1229] You're a fucking faggot.

[1230] And someone went, oh, no. Bam.

[1231] This fucking hand came out of nowhere.

[1232] It clips him.

[1233] I mean, the dude barely got hit.

[1234] Okay, it was a scratch, a tiny little scratch.

[1235] It was nothing.

[1236] And he's screaming the next day, violence is never the answer.

[1237] I mean, it was like another version of Leave Britney Alone.

[1238] It was so ridiculous.

[1239] Yeah, it was like that.

[1240] And I wonder if he was thinking like, oh, my God, I'm going to do this Britney thing.

[1241] That would be scary.

[1242] I think every person at one point in their life needs to get their ass kicked.

[1243] You know, I get my ass kicked all the time in jiu -jitsu, and I think that is very good for you.

[1244] It's very humbling to get your ass kicked.

[1245] And when dudes have never experienced the frustration and anger of another dude on them, taken out in a physical form, if you've never experienced that, you're going to talk a lot of stupid shit.

[1246] You're going to get mean to people for no reason.

[1247] You're not going to be civil when you can be.

[1248] You have the option to be a nice person.

[1249] You're choosing not to be.

[1250] And you're making it a pain in the ass for all the rest of us.

[1251] And someone's going to punch you in your fucking head.

[1252] And if no one's around, you're fucked.

[1253] Okay?

[1254] If no one's around and they find you and you've been mean to people for no fucking reason, talk shit on someone's kid, they might kick you in the dick.

[1255] Or they're going to cover their whole kitchen with plastic and when he's going inside the kitchen, he's going to come up from behind him with a syringe into the neck and he's going to wake up covered up in...

[1256] Well, you know, he's part of that movement, dog.

[1257] That fucking guy is part of that movement where they say shit to you, and they think they're cool, and then when you smack them, they dial 911.

[1258] That's 90 % of these motherfuckers now.

[1259] There's a living in it, though.

[1260] See, there's a living in it.

[1261] People enjoy it.

[1262] They enjoy all this mean shit, and that's what the problem is.

[1263] The problem is, and I'm as guilty of it as anyone.

[1264] I'm not saying that I'm above this in any way, shape, or form, because I'm definitely not.

[1265] I'll go to those sites.

[1266] I'll pick up Us Weekly if I'm taking a shit.

[1267] I see an Us Weekly.

[1268] I'm like, all right, who's from?

[1269] up who's doing something mean who's who's an asshole who's getting sued you know i draw cum coming out of your mouth all the time oh how rude but you know what i'm saying i mean it's just there's a there's a part of us that likes likes getting upset at people there's a part of us that likes going you posted before there's a guy on twitter you posted before that i was going to come up Everybody put some nice stuff on there.

[1270] One guy said, fuck you, Tubby.

[1271] Of course.

[1272] But what kills me is if you're going to be a tough guy, come out of the fucking internet.

[1273] There's a million tough guys on the internet.

[1274] There's a million fucking tough guys on the internet, and when you tell them to go fuck their mother in the ass, then you never hear from them again.

[1275] See, I don't fuck around.

[1276] I tell them exactly, go light your mother's pussy on fire or whatever, and then they don't bother me no more.

[1277] There's stuff that I don't like.

[1278] There's stuff that I don't like.

[1279] That's why I don't really fuck with it that much.

[1280] I got into it with a kid from my hometown on Facebook a couple fucking weeks ago.

[1281] A Bible beater.

[1282] 20 years ago, he was selling me quaaludes.

[1283] Now he's telling me that I shouldn't curse on Facebook.

[1284] Oh, God.

[1285] You know, those motherfuckers.

[1286] I hate all that shit.

[1287] You want to hear some negativity on the internet?

[1288] This is a hilarious story.

[1289] And this happened this weekend.

[1290] I was in Vancouver for the UFC.

[1291] And apparently I got in an elevator with some dude and the dude didn't say hi to me or nothing, but he said I gave him this look like I didn't like him or like, you know, like back the fuck off look.

[1292] And then he says that he said.

[1293] Take care, guys.

[1294] And then we said nothing.

[1295] And then he left the elevator like, wow, Joe Rogan's a fucking asshole.

[1296] So he goes online and makes this whole thread about me being in an elevator with him and no conversation taking place at all, but me being this asshole.

[1297] Like, I'm giving him this look.

[1298] I think I'm a badass.

[1299] And I got short man syndrome.

[1300] And, you know, I got problems communicating with people.

[1301] Like, it was crazy shit.

[1302] And I'm like, if I saw you, if you said something to me, anything, if you said, you know, take care, I would have definitely said you too, man. I always say that.

[1303] I could fucking hate you.

[1304] And if you said, take care, man, have a good day, I'd be like, all right, dude, take it easy.

[1305] I would fucking respond to you.

[1306] I wouldn't just stand there stone -faced.

[1307] Even if I fucking hated you, I would say something.

[1308] I'm not a mean person.

[1309] I'm not the type of person that does shit like that.

[1310] So it was either one or two things happened.

[1311] Either he said it and I didn't hear it, or I responded like, all right, dude, take care, and he didn't hear that.

[1312] Either one.

[1313] And the dude was high.

[1314] That was the other thing.

[1315] So he was probably a little bit paranoid.

[1316] A little bit of starstruck.

[1317] But he makes this crazy fucking thread.

[1318] And then I tell him, you know, I get out and I said, hey, I'm sorry you had a bad experience, but it was probably a misunderstanding.

[1319] I'm a nice guy.

[1320] If you're nice to me, if you're not retarded, you know, and you're cool to me, I'm going to be cool to you back.

[1321] I try to be cool to everybody.

[1322] I mean, it was just a misunderstanding.

[1323] Well, the thread, he says, all right, cool, man. Sorry, no big deal.

[1324] Well, the thread keeps going on and on and on.

[1325] And he keeps commenting on it.

[1326] Like he keeps going back to it and back to it.

[1327] Like I did something to him.

[1328] And then finally I come back and I go, listen, man, I go, you're out of line.

[1329] I go, nothing happened.

[1330] You're making this thread about a conversation that didn't take place.

[1331] Do you understand?

[1332] We didn't even say a word to each other.

[1333] Like, this is crazy.

[1334] You're still going on about this.

[1335] And then he comes back.

[1336] fuck you, I'm out of line, you fucking piece of shit.

[1337] Wow.

[1338] You fucking short man syndrome.

[1339] You're like one of those chachis that wear those tight shirts and you walk around like you're a fucking badass.

[1340] How crazy is that?

[1341] And I'm like, wow.

[1342] Well, he can't back down now.

[1343] You know, he has to pick on or not.

[1344] But this was crazy.

[1345] Yeah.

[1346] This is out of nowhere.

[1347] I mean, I'm not saying anything negative to this dude.

[1348] Right.

[1349] I'm saying he's out of line.

[1350] That's all I said.

[1351] But you were four other guys.

[1352] You were in the elevator with three other people.

[1353] No, me and Eddie Bravo.

[1354] So who the fuck is he anyway?

[1355] I'm on the phone before on the way here.

[1356] I stop.

[1357] I'm talking to somebody.

[1358] And the next thing you know, somebody comes up to me. No, excuse me. I would never come up to somebody.

[1359] But that's the new tread.

[1360] I'm here and you're Joe Roker.

[1361] So you have to say something.

[1362] I don't think it was that.

[1363] This is what I think it was.

[1364] I think he was a little high.

[1365] He was a little paranoid.

[1366] And I think he's a little sensitive.

[1367] And, you know, sometimes people think that people think they're better than you.

[1368] And that fucking sucks.

[1369] Nobody wants to be around someone.

[1370] around someone like an actor or someone and they get douchey i'll say something stupid to them you know if i'm around some asshole actor it's one of the reasons why i don't like being around actors a lot of them play fucking games they say stupid shit to you they said like i was on a set with this one guy once and we were about to do the scene and uh i'm just being cool with him like all right all right dude and he's about to walk away and he goes you have almost no hair and he walks away i go what like what'd you say nothing and just walks away like he said something to try to fuck with my head before i did the scene like picking on my hair for falling out So then I saw him the next day, and it was still in my head, and he started to try to fuck with me again.

[1371] And then I just said something to him, like, dude, don't fucking get stupid with me. You know, don't, like, play little insult games for me. I go, you and I will never have a real conversation ever again, all right?

[1372] You know why?

[1373] Because you're a fucking idiot.

[1374] I was nice to you.

[1375] And you came with this, you know, it wasn't like a joke.

[1376] It was like he said something, like a little slightly insulting thing, and then walked away.

[1377] I mean, you could say that, like, dude, your hair's falling out.

[1378] I'm like, fuck you, you ugly bitch.

[1379] You got a mirror?

[1380] And we could be joking with each other, and we could be friends.

[1381] But when I know that someone's trying to fuck with me, like, why are you doing that?

[1382] This isn't...

[1383] funny like you're trying to be shitty with me that happens with actors all the time with actors you're always dealing with a little psychological bullshit they're all fucking tweaked out and freaked out because they don't create anything they have to have someone come to them with scripts and ideas and pick them and choose them it's like the only art form where somebody has to pick you so you can perform you know i mean if you're a fucking musician you do your goddamn music you make your own shit you're a comic you write your own jokes if you're an actor you have to sit around and wait for someone to give you a role I guess you could put together your own shit and throw it up on YouTube if you want to get crazy.

[1384] I ran into something that goes along this whole line a couple days ago.

[1385] This guy I know wrote something to a friend of mine that was so fucked up.

[1386] So I took a screenshot of it.

[1387] He wrote, you're a dirty fucking whore.

[1388] Your tits look like shit.

[1389] Obviously you're desperate for attention.

[1390] Get a life.

[1391] Three minutes later he wrote, you are so desperate for your attention.

[1392] Your tits you post look like shit.

[1393] You're a funny girl who is lonely.

[1394] This guy, I'm like, who the fuck is this guy?

[1395] And I'm like going, somehow he has a connection with Opie and Anthony.

[1396] Not really sure how yet.

[1397] But then I go through it and he has this fucking envelope where it has his full address.

[1398] And so Dexter style, I Googled his address, fucking took a picture of his house and on another Twitter account, sent it to him and goes, that's a very rude thing to say.

[1399] Now he deleted all those posts and stuff like that.

[1400] Oh my God.

[1401] That's how you do it.

[1402] You fucking tweet them.

[1403] His latest tweets have been, I feel really sick.

[1404] I've never been this sick in my life.

[1405] Wow.

[1406] You freaked him the fuck out.

[1407] Yeah.

[1408] And it's so crazy because he has like his pictures and his whole Twitter is a real Twitter.

[1409] He's a family guy.

[1410] He's a daughter.

[1411] He's a son.

[1412] And I'm thinking, how do you do this when you have a daughter?

[1413] Dude, that's so sad.

[1414] But I'm really interested to find out what his connection to the Open Anthony show is because he has all these shots from like in the studio with Jim Norton, blah, blah, blah.

[1415] Oh, yeah.

[1416] You can find out.

[1417] I know.

[1418] You got pictures of him and everything?

[1419] Oh, yeah.

[1420] I'm looking at it right now.

[1421] Okay.

[1422] Well, we'll send it to Anthony.

[1423] Anthony can tell us or Jimmy will tell us.

[1424] Yeah.

[1425] Wow.

[1426] Crazy people.

[1427] So this guy.

[1428] I got on afterwards, and he goes back and forth and starts bringing up a video of me being an asshole to some guy from, like, nine years ago as proof that I'm a douchebag.

[1429] I'm like, you're trying to distract from our conversation.

[1430] Like, we didn't have a conversation, all right?

[1431] There was nothing.

[1432] Nothing took place, and you made this whole thread about it.

[1433] Now you're screaming and swearing at me and insulting me. Like, this is craziness.

[1434] Do you understand this?

[1435] And so he actually came on and apologized.

[1436] And then I came on and said, it's all good.

[1437] You know, no harm done.

[1438] It's just, I think.

[1439] It sucks when, because the fucking thread, by this time, everyone's piling on.

[1440] Everyone's like, you insecure piece of shit.

[1441] Like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

[1442] Like, what are you, crazy?

[1443] Like, so many people are saying the guy's crazy.

[1444] And a few people are saying, oh, I met Joe Rogan, he's a douchebag.

[1445] Some of them are, like, making up stories.

[1446] Like, you told this fighter not to sign my autograph, which is just...

[1447] Fucking complete horseshit.

[1448] So anyway, the dude, he apologizes and I say it's all good.

[1449] I think that we all learn from being criticized.

[1450] It doesn't feel good to hear people say you suck and to hear people call you a piece of shit and criticize you.

[1451] It's good because when you realize that you're having a negative effect on people, it makes you think, what is this effect that I'm not seeing?

[1452] I'm thinking I'm doing the right thing.

[1453] I'm thinking I'm living my life.

[1454] What am I doing that's making people so upset with me?

[1455] What is it?

[1456] Is it real?

[1457] What is it?

[1458] Is it a jealousy issue?

[1459] Is it an alpha male issue?

[1460] Am I being too insensitive?

[1461] What is it?

[1462] I think it sucks to admit that we all have little issues, but being criticized, especially online, I think it accelerates your social development.

[1463] Because it makes you a little bit more aware of what a bunch of anonymous people really truly feel about what you say.

[1464] You don't get that too much in real life.

[1465] In real life, there's a lot of people that, especially until the internet came around, they could bullshit their way through.

[1466] You could bullshit your way and charm people, but you can't fucking charm anonymous douchebags on the internet.

[1467] Anonymous douchebags on the internet will go, fuck you, you fucking hack, you suck.

[1468] You know, you're nothing.

[1469] You're a loser.

[1470] You're going to die like that.

[1471] Like, they'll go after you, man. They'll go after you.

[1472] But you develop two things.

[1473] One, you develop a thick skin from that.

[1474] where it doesn't hurt anymore.

[1475] Now it just feels weird.

[1476] It's like, what is this guy doing?

[1477] What would make you do something like that?

[1478] You've got to have hate.

[1479] There's got to be something wrong with you.

[1480] So what?

[1481] I got on an elevator with a guy having a good day, guys.

[1482] They didn't hear me or whatever.

[1483] I get off.

[1484] I go home.

[1485] It's like the people who go to comedy clubs and write a letter saying that you insulted them, that you wrote a joke or you said something on stage.

[1486] What would make you go home and write a fucking letter about your experience at a comedy club?

[1487] Three tickets.

[1488] Well, here's a lady that wrote a...

[1489] Did I ever tell you the time that a lady wrote about my retarded Jesus joke?

[1490] Remember my retarded Jesus joke?

[1491] I had a joke about cloning because there was a group called the Second Coming Project.

[1492] In the Second Coming Project, they were going to take some DNA from the Shroud of Turin or some other religious artifacts and try to clone Jesus.

[1493] And they thought that that would be the bringing back of the Messiah, that would be the second coming, would actually be through science and that they would clone Jesus.

[1494] And so I wrote this joke about, well, you know, cloning has not been perfected yet.

[1495] Like Dolly the sheep, she had all sorts of genetic issues and she died young.

[1496] And, you know, that was like considered a success.

[1497] There's a lot of failures, I'm sure, that we never heard about that were like horrible genetic disasters and fucking monsters and shit.

[1498] I'm like, what if they clone Jesus and the first one comes out retarded?

[1499] I mean, that's possible.

[1500] They have Down syndrome.

[1501] What do they do?

[1502] Do they kill it?

[1503] Do they start from scratch?

[1504] Or do they just go?

[1505] Yeah.

[1506] Maybe it's a test.

[1507] It's a test.

[1508] He's testing us.

[1509] Instead of turning water into wine, he turns like dog shit into cookies.

[1510] And I had this whole thing where they were following Jesus everywhere.

[1511] He was like, I went to go to the park today.

[1512] They're like, don't you think we should heal the sick or help?

[1513] No, no, no. The park.

[1514] So they were all on the park waiting for him to come up with the fucking answer to humanity.

[1515] Well, this woman got so mad.

[1516] She got so mad.

[1517] She wrote this fucking...

[1518] I thought it was really funny about it.

[1519] She said...

[1520] Not only did he tell this horrible joke, but when the audience didn't respond, he insisted on talking about the same subject instead of moving on.

[1521] She was upset that I wouldn't move on.

[1522] Her version of comedy is you've got to do what the audience wants.

[1523] You're not supposed to be coming from your own head.

[1524] You only do what they like.

[1525] It's like you're a band.

[1526] They can yell out, do Hot for Teacher, and you have to sing Hot for Teacher.

[1527] Like, I thought it was funny.

[1528] And there was people that were laughing.

[1529] That's the same woman that doesn't change the radio station when they're talking about boobs on Opian Anthem.

[1530] Yeah, exactly.

[1531] That's a form of retard right there.

[1532] Yeah, well, it's also a person who's very self -righteous because she thinks that she can get away with telling people what to say and what not to say.

[1533] You don't have to like comedy.

[1534] You don't have to like my comedy.

[1535] It's not for everybody.

[1536] But just either shut up or leave, you know?

[1537] Don't fucking get angry.

[1538] Don't yell shit out at me because she's yelling out at me to stop.

[1539] Stop!

[1540] Stop!

[1541] I'm talking about your fake guy.

[1542] Sorry, I'm talking about a fake retarded guy that I made up.

[1543] It's killing you.

[1544] Remember one of the first videos I filmed for you was I was sitting behind a guy and he was getting so upset while watching your show.

[1545] I was filming his legs starting to flinch.

[1546] He was like fucking looking around.

[1547] That was the Noah's Ark shit.

[1548] Was it?

[1549] Yeah.

[1550] And then he wrote this long -page letter a couple days later.

[1551] Yeah, we've had a bunch of letters.

[1552] Hey, Joey, where does the phrase when you say science, where did that originally come from?

[1553] Thomas Dolby.

[1554] Thomas Dolby.

[1555] She blinded me with science.

[1556] Science.

[1557] If you ever seen the video, the guy was our answer to the scientist on TV in England.

[1558] He's old.

[1559] If you see the video, he would just yell science.

[1560] That guy's a real...

[1561] He's like our Bill Nye the science guy in the video.

[1562] Oh, what I wanted to talk about while we were talking about the whole Jesus thing that I almost forgot was that giant fucking statue in...

[1563] Was it Columbus?

[1564] No, it was Cincinnati.

[1565] In Cincinnati, this fucking 70 -foot Jesus got hit by lightning and caught on fire.

[1566] And right across the street from it was a big billboard for the Hustler store.

[1567] I love it.

[1568] The Hustler store billboard, not a scratch.

[1569] I love the quote.

[1570] Yeah, it was like, I think it's kind of messed up, but the Hustler billboard didn't catch on fire.

[1571] That's just not right.

[1572] One guy said, my favorite quote, one guy said, I didn't expect that.

[1573] Yeah, that's what it was.

[1574] I didn't expect that.

[1575] expect that.

[1576] I thought the magic man was going to be...

[1577] I mean, the stupidest thing about it is you're not supposed to make idols of Jesus.

[1578] Isn't that even in the Bible?

[1579] You're not supposed to make false idols.

[1580] You're not supposed to make churches.

[1581] Doesn't that say in the Bible that he'd rather have you do it under a tree than break wood or something like that to make a church or something like that?

[1582] Something like that.

[1583] I don't know.

[1584] I cannot quote the Bible.

[1585] I don't know.

[1586] You can't make no money at the park.

[1587] You know what I'm saying?

[1588] I don't know a goddamn thing in it anymore.

[1589] I read it when I was younger.

[1590] When I lived in Florida, they made us read it.

[1591] They didn't make us read it, but they gave it to us, and they gave us an opportunity to read it.

[1592] They handed out Bibles in the class.

[1593] I went from San Francisco to Florida, and San Francisco's super liberal, had gay neighbors.

[1594] My aunt used to go next door and smoke weed with gay neighbors, and they would get naked and play the bongos together.

[1595] So I was around all these hippies and war protest -type people in San Francisco.

[1596] So I moved from there to super religious retard Florida.

[1597] So I'm right around retards, and they're handing out Bibles.

[1598] And this one kid, he gets his Bible.

[1599] I swear to God, they were fucking...

[1600] He gets his Bible.

[1601] I'll never forget this.

[1602] He goes, I likes to read the Bible.

[1603] That's what he said.

[1604] I likes to read the Bible.

[1605] And then he sits there all like crazy, like excited to be reading this book.

[1606] Like, whoa.

[1607] That fucking kid's face and what he said will burn into my head forever.

[1608] Definitely a Wapner.

[1609] Definitely a Wapner.

[1610] I went to Catholic school and I don't remember shit from that Bible.

[1611] Three, four years I went to Catholic school.

[1612] And I went to a boarding.

[1613] Catholic school.

[1614] It's so fucked up that people should allow anyone to push any ideology on their kids.

[1615] Everybody thinks that having your kids grow up religion is no big deal and it's good for them.

[1616] I agree to give your kids some morals and set some standards of behavior and to tell them about communicating with people.

[1617] What's important is you be positive.

[1618] You do good things.

[1619] You be a good person.

[1620] Spread out that good energy.

[1621] Spread out love.

[1622] But to make the kid, have them go to any fucking super religious school.

[1623] You're going to fuck their programming up so bad.

[1624] But no one is objective enough to see that.

[1625] People just want to have good kids, and they want to carry on the tradition that their family has.

[1626] It seems like religion as a child should start off in a different religion and then move on to Christianity or whatever.

[1627] It should start off as Buddhist, just teaching to be a good person, and then you get into the...

[1628] What they should do is teach you the different principles of each religion and not say either one of them is the fucking answer.

[1629] There's too many of them.

[1630] You look at all the good aspects of all the different religions and say, well, where did all this come from?

[1631] We don't know.

[1632] We don't know where it came from.

[1633] We assume it came from some wise people that got through a lot of conflict and figured out some way to live life, and then they wrote it down, and some of it makes a lot of sense even today.

[1634] But when the book that you're basing everything on includes treating women as second -class citizens, condoning slavery, murder, a fucking angry God who punishes people by death, and you're going to burn into fucking fiery hell, come on, just shut the fuck up.

[1635] Just stop it.

[1636] You're talking goofy nonsense.

[1637] You know, you got to show me something.

[1638] You got to show me a fucking YouTube clip.

[1639] You got to show me something before I want to believe in this kind of goofy shit.

[1640] It's just silly.

[1641] But in 2010, we still let that slide.

[1642] We still say, well, you know, everyone has their own freedom of religion.

[1643] Do whatever you want.

[1644] If you start saying, like, stop, this is fucking completely ridiculous.

[1645] You're saying your way is the only way.

[1646] You're saying people should die if they dance.

[1647] You're saying, you know, people can't be gay and get married.

[1648] You're imposing all your bullshit on other people.

[1649] And we still accept it?

[1650] In 2010?

[1651] Except at the church of what's happening now.

[1652] That's right.

[1653] That's where I'm from, cocksucker.

[1654] That's the only fucking church that matters in my book.

[1655] When are we going to get past this?

[1656] When are we going to get past, when are we going to step up and say, no one knows?

[1657] No one knows.

[1658] You don't know.

[1659] Don't say you know.

[1660] You can't say you know.

[1661] If you say you know, you're crazy.

[1662] Tell me your experiences.

[1663] Tell me what happened.

[1664] Throw it in the pile.

[1665] Let's all sort this out.

[1666] You can't tell me that, you know, this is the way and you're the chosen people and just shut the fuck up.

[1667] Stop.

[1668] All your Joseph Smith and your fucking nutty Scientology.

[1669] Stop.

[1670] Stop.

[1671] It's all crazy.

[1672] And it's fucking up everything.

[1673] Because when people pretend they have the answer, it fucks up everybody else that's searching for the answer.

[1674] Because there's an option to not even think.

[1675] There's an option to, like, fuck joining the search to figure out how to live the life the best way.

[1676] Let's just fucking follow what these douchebags are doing.

[1677] Were you ever religious when you were a kid?

[1678] I made my first communion.

[1679] I got thrown out of there before my confirmation.

[1680] What happened?

[1681] I beat up the fucking nun in the fourth grade.

[1682] That's a story you tell on stage?

[1683] That's a true story?

[1684] That's a true fucking story.

[1685] Tell me what happened.

[1686] Tell me what happened.

[1687] I was in the fourth grade, fifth grade, and my friends, I hung out with these two little twins, and the one kid's mother was having a baby, and he wanted to call, and the nun wouldn't let him fucking call.

[1688] So he's crying.

[1689] You know how twins are.

[1690] One starts crying, the other one starts fucking crying.

[1691] They're crying.

[1692] I'm trying to learn my fucking ABCs.

[1693] And I said, just let them call.

[1694] And she's like, mind your business.

[1695] Let them fucking call.

[1696] They'll pay your bill.

[1697] How can you not let somebody call the hospital?

[1698] This isn't like a call to Joe Rogan.

[1699] Hi, this is your mother.

[1700] And the nun wouldn't let him.

[1701] So I said, you know, fucking get up and go.

[1702] So she made me and the two other guys get up and wait outside.

[1703] Then she took me into the stationary closet.

[1704] And, bro, she beat him up first.

[1705] And I could hear it outside.

[1706] I'm in the fourth grade.

[1707] Now, my mom used to always say, you know, don't let people hit you if they hit you, whatever.

[1708] So she takes me in the closet and she turned her ring around.

[1709] And she just started hitting me, hitting me, fucking hitting me, hitting me, hitting me. Where was she hitting you?

[1710] In the face and shit.

[1711] Oh, my God.

[1712] And I could taste the blood in my lip.

[1713] And that's when I couldn't take it no more.

[1714] I just fucking grabbed her and took her around.

[1715] And I didn't know nothing.

[1716] I just held her by the fucking throat.

[1717] And I said, I'm calling my mother.

[1718] This is going to fucking stop.

[1719] Wow.

[1720] She grabbed her titty real quick.

[1721] No, but here's what was crazy.

[1722] There was a disciplinarian there that walked around with a stick.

[1723] And he would hit you in the leg.

[1724] And his name was Jack.

[1725] He had gone to the school and he had stayed there as a teacher's assistant.

[1726] And he's the one that lit you on fire every once in a while.

[1727] He would light you on fire.

[1728] You know what I'm saying?

[1729] What do you mean?

[1730] He would hit you.

[1731] You know, he would punch you or smack you.

[1732] Punch you?

[1733] Oh, yeah.

[1734] He would punch you?

[1735] Oprah on the chest and shit.

[1736] Oh, my God.

[1737] But if you went home and told your mother, you were kind of scared.

[1738] I just couldn't take people hitting me. I never liked that.

[1739] So I grabbed her.

[1740] He threatened to call her.

[1741] He didn't even threaten to call the cops because I had blood coming out of my mouth.

[1742] So I said, I'm getting to the payphone.

[1743] I'm calling my mother.

[1744] She's going to come here, and we're going to straighten this out.

[1745] But the funny thing is my mother came with like 20 dudes from the bar.

[1746] So we made a deal.

[1747] They couldn't expel me because I didn't do nothing.

[1748] I just protected myself.

[1749] Here's my fucking lip hanging like Chuck Liddell.

[1750] Did your mother get mad at him?

[1751] Yeah, my mother went off.

[1752] And then that's when we made an agreement.

[1753] I'm going to stay until June.

[1754] This happened in April.

[1755] So for two months, any time Jack got close to me, remember when my mother said, I'll fucking kill you, motherfucker.

[1756] So for the last two months of my fourth grade, they couldn't even say nothing.

[1757] And I started revolting, having other kids telling their parents now.

[1758] It's just such a joyless religion.

[1759] How can you get hit?

[1760] It's so joyless.

[1761] I don't like nobody hitting.

[1762] I can see you pulling my ear or giving me a punch to the back or something.

[1763] No, going to Catholic schools, I went to Catholic school for first grade.

[1764] I was very religious when I was a little kid.

[1765] When I was a little kid, my parents got divorced when I was five.

[1766] They separated, and I was really lost, and I was really scared.

[1767] I remember thinking, like, my dad's not around anymore.

[1768] This is crazy.

[1769] It's just me and my mom and my sister.

[1770] It was very unsettling.

[1771] My mom had to work all day, and we had to be in different people's houses while they babysat us, our grandparents, whatever.

[1772] It was unsettling.

[1773] And while this was all going on, I went to Catholic school.

[1774] And it was my first year in Catholic school, first grade.

[1775] And they were so fucking mean.

[1776] Dude, I don't remember shit about first grade, okay?

[1777] I don't remember anything about being six years old.

[1778] You know what I remember?

[1779] Sister Mary Josephine at Our Lady of Chesterhova in Patterson, New Jersey.

[1780] I think it was Patterson.

[1781] It's Patterson or Newark.

[1782] I remember that.

[1783] I remember that fucking hellhole.

[1784] Because it was a scary experience.

[1785] Religion is very scary.

[1786] I lived there for a year, okay?

[1787] I went to that school for a year.

[1788] And in that year, I went to school every day terrified.

[1789] And every day, there was this fucking cunt, old, wasted up, used up life nun that was just evil to everyone.

[1790] Every day.

[1791] It was always yelling at you.

[1792] I would cry.

[1793] Like, I missed my mother.

[1794] Like, the first day, I cried.

[1795] Don't let him.

[1796] He's a baby.

[1797] You want to cry like a baby?

[1798] He was like six years old.

[1799] Yeah, that's fucking crazy, man. That was crazy shit.

[1800] I was six years old.

[1801] evil cunt and if you didn't do your work right or you didn't listen to her or anything was wrong she would tell you she was going to make you sit on a nail in the closet it was like a fucking pink floyd video is that just east coast religion or something like that because you guys don't have like crazy scary catholic nuns catholic they don't let them fuck when people don't get the fuck they're not happy period end of discussion your whole life is no dick How are you going to be happy?

[1802] You're not going to come.

[1803] You don't come at all.

[1804] What does a guy do?

[1805] He doesn't come.

[1806] Does he fuck?

[1807] He fucks no one.

[1808] He can't even jerk off.

[1809] What kind of a life is that?

[1810] That's a horrible existence.

[1811] It's not love.

[1812] It's not passion, emotion, celebration of life.

[1813] No, it's all just do what I tell you, follow my rules, or you burn in hell.

[1814] And let me touch your cock.

[1815] There's a lot of that going on.

[1816] I was going to go back and talk to them, but the school was done, and it's in Connery, New Jersey, and I was there one time, and I was going to go over there and just talk to them, but that school was closed up.

[1817] When I got older and I started hearing stories about kids getting molested, I get fucking angry.

[1818] You know, I got angry at my mom.

[1819] I said, how are you letting me go to school in a place where people are getting molested?

[1820] You know, like there's priests that were molesting kids.

[1821] But nobody was exposing it then.

[1822] No, nobody was exposing it.

[1823] Nobody was exposing it.

[1824] They got exposed and got covered up fast.

[1825] But there was always like this thing that they deserve it.

[1826] What the fuck are they doing being altar boys?

[1827] It was like, don't you know?

[1828] It was like this weird little like, come on, why is he being an altar boy?

[1829] Maybe when they're altar boys, there was almost an excuse.

[1830] Maybe he knew and he wanted it.

[1831] It's fucking crazy.

[1832] They're monsters, man. My religion was completely different.

[1833] There was a Starbucks there.

[1834] There was a band.

[1835] It was kind of like a party.

[1836] That's totally different.

[1837] Yeah, there's a lot of good religions that are like...

[1838] I'm Lutheran.

[1839] Lutheran.

[1840] They become a good part of the community.

[1841] It's like a nice step -off point where everybody gets together and promises to be nice.

[1842] You promise to abide by the laws and respect your friends and you have cookouts and shit.

[1843] There's a lot of positivity in being in a church.

[1844] There's a lot of positive shit about any big community gathering where everybody agrees to be nice.

[1845] And the best way to get everybody to agree to be nice is to say that's what God wants.

[1846] There's a lot of fucking great things about church.

[1847] but not the Catholic Church, bro.

[1848] That shit ain't good.

[1849] This fucking thing that's going on with the Pope, we've talked about it already on the show, but for people who don't know, the guy who's the Pope right now has been accused, and there's all this evidence that points to the fact that he was shielding child molesters.

[1850] The guy, this guy who's the Pope, he was protecting the church and shielding known child molesters and then putting them back in action around other kids that the guy went on to molest again.

[1851] And there's people that are calling for that guy to be arrested for crimes against humanity.

[1852] Christopher Hitchens is called for people to arrest him and charge him with pedophilia or charge him with child rape or child endangerment.

[1853] That's a crime.

[1854] Whatever the fuck he did, he was involved knowingly exposed pedophiles to children to try to protect the business of the Catholic Church.

[1855] Yeah, from the movie to a different place, behave yourself.

[1856] Yeah, exactly.

[1857] But you didn't let nobody know.

[1858] You didn't let the church know.

[1859] You didn't let nobody know that this fucking guy likes to dress up as Peter fucking Pan.

[1860] You know what I'm saying?

[1861] I mean, hey, I don't mind.

[1862] Let's handle the fucking problem.

[1863] But don't put them in the witness relocation plan for priests and ship them up to Albany.

[1864] And two years from now, you got another motor station.

[1865] Then they ship them across the world to Philippines.

[1866] Then they're at home.

[1867] When they do something there, they ship them to Germany.

[1868] They just keep moving them around.

[1869] Hey, I'm Catholic.

[1870] Well, it's been proven now.

[1871] is that um What is the fucking documentary?

[1872] The documentary, the horrible one with the priest.

[1873] Hold on, I'll find it in two seconds because I got it on my iTunes.

[1874] Did you watch it?

[1875] Yeah, I watched half of it and I couldn't watch it anymore because it was just driving me crazy.

[1876] It was just so horrible.

[1877] Deliver us from evil.

[1878] And this is all about a guy who's just his whole life.

[1879] Boys, girls, just molested him.

[1880] Molested hundreds of them.

[1881] And they just moved this motherfucker around.

[1882] They just moved him around and protected him.

[1883] Protected the church.

[1884] There's so many of them that are doing it, man. It's not like one or two.

[1885] There's so many of them.

[1886] It's a percentage.

[1887] It's not like a small number.

[1888] It's fucking terrifying.

[1889] And a lot of it is just accepted.

[1890] A lot of people just keep their fucking mouth shut.

[1891] Just avoid the creepy fucks.

[1892] And then I guess maybe some of the kids that get sucked in are like gay kids get sucked in.

[1893] Who knows?

[1894] But the whole idea behind it is ridiculous.

[1895] That these crazy assholes that don't fuck have a front row seat to God.

[1896] They have the best connection.

[1897] They got God's best cell phone number.

[1898] It's fucking crazy.

[1899] They don't even get a special spot in heaven.

[1900] You know?

[1901] And we all grew up with it.

[1902] I mean, Joey can tell you.

[1903] Anybody who went to Catholic school.

[1904] Nobody went to Catholic school and had an awesome experience.

[1905] I didn't even get molested.

[1906] That's the thing.

[1907] Not even molested.

[1908] Just beat the fuck out of.

[1909] Yeah, no. Nobody even beat me. I think she whacked me with a ruler once, but it wasn't bad.

[1910] It was just a little slap.

[1911] You know, it wasn't anything.

[1912] Like, nobody ever did what they did to you.

[1913] And, bro, don't get me wrong.

[1914] I was fucking fueled crazy with that.

[1915] That's why they put me there.

[1916] I'm sure.

[1917] Do you understand me?

[1918] I'm sure you are.

[1919] But it wasn't for the beating that they were giving me. Listen.

[1920] Not for that beating.

[1921] You're never allowed to beat a kid, period.

[1922] No, that was terrible.

[1923] You're never allowed to do that.

[1924] That's a crazy, angry human being that had a terrible life, a lack of love.

[1925] She was an angry fucking bitch.

[1926] They're all angry, man. Sister Hysent was her name.

[1927] Sister Hysent, Mary Hysent or something like that.

[1928] Look, dude, if you had a choice between hanging out with an old nun or hanging out with an old porn star, who are you going to hang out with?

[1929] Pretty simple.

[1930] Hang out with Nina Hartley.

[1931] I bet she's a nice lady.

[1932] I bet she has a good conversation.

[1933] I bet she's cool and friendly.

[1934] And I bet her eyebrows look really creepy.

[1935] Her eyelashes.

[1936] Her eyelashes, right?

[1937] Big crazy fake eyelashes.

[1938] That's old school.

[1939] That's the old school look.

[1940] That's a hot look.

[1941] Back in the day.

[1942] But you know what I'm saying?

[1943] It's just an unfortunate choice to waste your whole life in a non -loving, non -friendship -oriented sort of a situation like that based on a bunch of fucking silly, crazy old rules.

[1944] We need, as a human being, the human beings as a wraith.

[1945] We have to, as a race, get past where we're at right now and move into some new way of designing the way human beings behave and act.

[1946] And it can't be based on some nonsense.

[1947] It has to be based on just positive energy and success, success as a race, success as a neighborhood, success as a group of friends.

[1948] There's a way to live your life.

[1949] There's a way to be positive and there's a way to figure out a way to spread the most positive energy and the way to be the most honest, the way to be the most creative and the most friendly and the most productive and the most satisfied.

[1950] There's a way to do that.

[1951] and it's not through religion.

[1952] It's probably like retweeting.

[1953] Retweeting is like a little positive bump, right?

[1954] Like what you said, man. Retweets and pokes.

[1955] Retweets are actually cool when someone cool retweets you.

[1956] Yeah.

[1957] I always forget to look, though, at the retweets because I use just the Twitter website.

[1958] I don't use it too much.

[1959] So you have to go to retweets and buy.

[1960] Oh, do you go to the Twitter website?

[1961] Yeah.

[1962] I do that.

[1963] Dude, I give up on TweetDeck and all that stuff.

[1964] It just keeps on timing out.

[1965] Yeah, it times out, but I love having all the different lines.

[1966] I love having my timeline.

[1967] I try to respond to as many of them as possible.

[1968] Some people get crazy, dude.

[1969] Some people, you don't respond to them.

[1970] They get upset.

[1971] You're like, dude, I get like a hundred of these.

[1972] in an hour.

[1973] There's no way I can keep them up.

[1974] When you get to like 130 -something thousand people and you say something funny or say something interesting, you throw up something, I'll get like 100, 250, crazy.

[1975] If it's a crazy one, it might be a couple hundred.

[1976] You can't respond to them all.

[1977] It's impossible.

[1978] But the beautiful thing about Twitter is even if you respond to them, it's like a real quick thing.

[1979] Nobody can send you these goddamn story of their lives.

[1980] Some guy sent me some fucking material he wanted me to assess the other day.

[1981] So the guy says, I'm thinking about doing stand -up comedy.

[1982] And it's like a really weirdly written letter.

[1983] Like you tell the guy he's psycho.

[1984] And he wants me to review his comedy.

[1985] And then he just writes out his whole fucking routine.

[1986] I'm like, dude, come on, man. I don't have the time.

[1987] I can't just sit here and review your comedy and tell you what I thought about this paragraph.

[1988] It's like fucking a two -page little email.

[1989] Dude, you just write back, send back that email in a tweet.

[1990] That's all you have to do.

[1991] That's what I've been doing lately.

[1992] All these people are sending me like, Brian, check out this documentary.

[1993] This scientist and blah, blah, blah.

[1994] I'm like, dude, write it back in 130 characters or less and I will reply.

[1995] Yeah.

[1996] People need to learn how to edit in real life too.

[1997] I think Twitter is awesome for that.

[1998] Yeah.

[1999] Twitter is great for jokes.

[2000] It teaches you to reply in...

[2001] in like a short amount like to get your point across in the shortest amount of words possible can you could you imagine being able to tell women that that's how you're supposed to talk to me and from now on it has to be tweets 130 words or less lady you know mrs rogan just hit me with a story the other day i'm not oh it was about chicken salad as opposed to a chicken salad And this fucking story took minutes.

[2002] It took minutes.

[2003] To a chicken salad.

[2004] And meanwhile, I'm on the way to the gym, so I'm getting fired up.

[2005] I'm ready to fucking hit the bag and shit and fuck shit up, right?

[2006] So I'm all amped.

[2007] And she corners me with this chicken salad, chicken story about how, well, I always get the chicken salad at this place.

[2008] But today, I decided to try the chicken salad sandwich.

[2009] So I ordered the chicken salad sandwich.

[2010] But since I always get the chicken salad, they gave me chicken.

[2011] salad.

[2012] So I got home and I was like, oh, it's chicken salad.

[2013] Damn it.

[2014] I wanted to try the chicken salad sandwich and then it keeps going on.

[2015] Like, I got it.

[2016] I got it.

[2017] I see what happened.

[2018] He's on first base over.

[2019] I see what happened.

[2020] Stop it.

[2021] There's a window open.

[2022] She's somewhere in the neighborhood.

[2023] A callback.

[2024] Shiny happy jihad.

[2025] Somewhere in the fucking neighborhood.

[2026] Chicks love to just talk.

[2027] They love reassuring communication.

[2028] Some of them do.

[2029] There's rash generalization, of course.

[2030] But some of them just like to keep fucking talking, man. They just like to keep talking.

[2031] I got an icy machine the other day, by the way, Joey.

[2032] This is a new snack for you.

[2033] I don't know if you like snow or ice.

[2034] You told me. It's the margarita machine.

[2035] That's everything strong.

[2036] What did you drop on it?

[2037] 130 or something you said?

[2038] No, but it's great because you have this big cup of ice.

[2039] So that's like zero calories, right?

[2040] You get sugar -free syrups like root beer or grape or something like that.

[2041] And it's just like those icy pops.

[2042] Remember those frozen pops at the bottom where it gets all mushy and just ice?

[2043] It's just like a whole cup of that, but there's no calories in it.

[2044] I restrict myself to one Diet Coke a week now.

[2045] Diet Coke?

[2046] Yeah.

[2047] As I'm getting older, I'm like, you've got to pay.

[2048] Okay, nothing is for free.

[2049] And when you're eating this stuff that tastes sweet and it's not really sweet and it doesn't have any calories, what the fuck is really going on?

[2050] What's going on, man?

[2051] I mean, you could tell me that Diet Coke is safe, and I'm sure it is.

[2052] I mean, I've drank in a bunch of them.

[2053] Nothing's wrong with me. I used to do a joke.

[2054] If you get cancer from Diet Coke, you're a fucking pussy.

[2055] But the reality is that shit can't be good for you.

[2056] Yeah, but I mean, it's like, what do you want, diabetes or do you want maybe ankle cancer?

[2057] Well, how about have a water?

[2058] You don't have to have a Coke.

[2059] Yeah.

[2060] You know, if you didn't have water, okay, if you were just forced to drink Coca -Cola every day, and then someone gave you a nice ice -cold water, you'd be like, God, this tastes so good.

[2061] If water was, like, super precious, and, like, there wasn't that much of it, so you'd go to, like, a fucking restaurant and buy some water, and, you know, for real good water, it would cost you, like, $100 a bottle, like a bottle of wine, and you'd drink it, and you'd be like, oh, this is delicious.

[2062] God, it's so satisfying.

[2063] I don't want it to end.

[2064] Anyway, you just take it for granted.

[2065] You open up a bottle, drink it.

[2066] No big deal.

[2067] Water tastes fucking awesome.

[2068] We just don't think it tastes awesome because we want that goofy sugar rush, that goofy Coca -Cola sugar rush that we're all addicted to, that caffeine rush.

[2069] I went to Baja Fresh the other day.

[2070] I had a chicken burrito, and it's a big motherfucking Diet Coke, dude.

[2071] It was giant.

[2072] I drank that thing, and I was wired.

[2073] I was wired.

[2074] It was like I had a 20 -ounce Starbucks, a big -ass Coke.

[2075] The worst is, have you ever had, like, you were really thirsty at night, and you only had, like, a Diet Coke on your nightstand, and you chug it, and that's the worst feeling ever.

[2076] The worst is when it's warm.

[2077] Yes.

[2078] Sitting there all night.

[2079] It's like that caffeine.

[2080] Yeah.

[2081] Ugh.

[2082] Yeah.

[2083] You know what's good, man?

[2084] I got these new drinks that these dudes sent me. If you're into energy, not an energy drink, but workout drinks, just healthy, good -for -you drinks, a lot of ginseng and shit in them.

[2085] They're called good -for -you drinks.

[2086] These guys sent me a whole case of these things.

[2087] They're fucking awesome.

[2088] They're like the best workout drink.

[2089] You know, you have Gatorade.

[2090] Gatorade is good after you work out, but it's like a little too sugary.

[2091] A little too sugary.

[2092] I did the light kind.

[2093] Oh, that's better, right?

[2094] Yeah, that's good.

[2095] I always add water to mine.

[2096] I do that with all juices too.

[2097] Apple juice, orange juice.

[2098] Too citric for me. Let's mix it with some water.

[2099] Hey, my dad's been.

[2100] Anyway, these people, it's good for you drinks.

[2101] Good, the number for you drinks.

[2102] You can find them on Twitter.

[2103] You can find them online.

[2104] Go Google them.

[2105] It's the shit.

[2106] If you're into a good workout drink.

[2107] And they support MMA.

[2108] I found out about them through Shane Carwin.

[2109] And I know they sent Jason Ellis some shit.

[2110] They're good guys.

[2111] Hey, dog.

[2112] And now for a word from our sponsor.

[2113] Fleshlight?

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[2118] If you masturbate, ladies and gentlemen, and I know you do, let's be real.

[2119] wouldn't you want to fuck something that feels better than your hand?

[2120] I know I do.

[2121] Because I know when I'm masturbating, at least half of my body is saying, hey, dude, you've got a dick in your hand.

[2122] And it doesn't feel as good when you're thinking about that and you're thinking about the fact you've got a dick in your hand.

[2123] It doesn't feel as good.

[2124] So what I propose, ladies and gentlemen, is you go to Fleshlight .com, you get one of these things, and you fuck it.

[2125] You've got to get past the embarrassment.

[2126] And I tell you from personal experience, because I knew about this shit, I'd heard about it on TV ads, not on TV ads, I heard about it on the internet, I heard about people talking about it, oh, Eddie Bravo told me his Fleshlight story before.

[2127] He's had a flashlight for a while.

[2128] But I was too proud to walk into a store or order one online.

[2129] I was too proud to even admit that I masturbate.

[2130] That shit's ridiculous, folks.

[2131] So my dad told me about this fucking thing that he's hooked onto right now called Reservatrol.

[2132] Resveratrol.

[2133] It's R -E -S -V -E -R -A -T -R -O -L.

[2134] Yeah, it's an antioxidant, a very potent antioxidant that exists in wine.

[2135] And I've been taking it for years.

[2136] Yeah, so he's been doing this huge, he's a crazy research guy when he gets hooked on something.

[2137] It's actually, it comes from plants when it's stressed by parasites or various infections.

[2138] The plants release this fucking chemical or whatever.

[2139] So people are taking this chemical and putting it, you know, you can go to GNC and stuff.

[2140] there's kinds that are mixed with like other things that uh but if you get it as pure as possible the benefits from it are like insane it's saying that like this is all in like rats they've found that uh rats have like cancer gone away from it uh this is the way you said that you said a foreign person rats have like cancer gone away from it it blocks like bosruton they're saying that it will block colon cancer in humans and they're uh it will your life will you be uh 30 % more life, you live longer, and stuff like that.

[2141] It's also saying...

[2142] Well, isn't there a difficulty in absorption, though?

[2143] We were talking about this before.

[2144] That's what I'm saying.

[2145] I've heard that your body absorbs very little of most of the brands that you buy.

[2146] You have to find out how pure it is.

[2147] And how do you do that?

[2148] If you look on the bottle, look to see how pure it is.

[2149] You want about 200 or 250 to 500.

[2150] It goes up to 500, but look how the pure of the actual chemical of that...

[2151] So 250 to 500, what?

[2152] Milligrams?

[2153] Is that what it is in pills?

[2154] Milligrams?

[2155] Yeah, milligrams.

[2156] So the higher the milligram, the more pure it is?

[2157] The higher, it's just that chemical.

[2158] It's mixed with other things.

[2159] What is it mixed with?

[2160] What are the other things that they put in with it?

[2161] Oh, like grape.

[2162] It's like grape leaves and stuff like that.

[2163] Grape seed extract.

[2164] Grape seed is also an enzyme.

[2165] Have you been taking it, Brian?

[2166] I just started in two days, but my dad's been taking it for about a month now.

[2167] And he says...

[2168] a couple things.

[2169] He said that he feels like he is just non -stop energy from when he wakes up to something that he hasn't had in years.

[2170] He also said that his hip pain, he has a bad pain, he stopped taking it for a week and his hip pain immediately came back.

[2171] And he also said that his stomach is always getting full faster now.

[2172] So after, he usually gets like seconds at a dinner or something like that.

[2173] Now he says he feels full after the first time.

[2174] Dude, is your dad selling resveratrol?

[2175] No, he's not.

[2176] Come on, though.

[2177] It's an Amway scam, motherfucker.

[2178] Come on, though.

[2179] He's not, but he's somebody that when he finds something, he researches the fuck out of it and stuff like that.

[2180] I think if you said that whole thing in an English accent, I probably would have got online.

[2181] Yeah, but anyways, there's a whole thing that I emailed you, Joe, that you should look for.

[2182] Okay, I'll check it out.

[2183] I have some in my vitamin cabinet.

[2184] I don't know.

[2185] I never even looked at what the dosage is, though.

[2186] I mean, it says it blocks colon cancer on mice.

[2187] And that right now that they're trying to find out that.

[2188] The only problem is we're not mice.

[2189] Yeah, we're mammals, though.

[2190] We're mammals, though.

[2191] So they're looking into it.

[2192] And a lot of the research they're finding is all positive.

[2193] Yeah, I'm sure there's definitely a connection with chemo.

[2194] But there's a lot of shit that mammals can eat that we can't and we can't and that they can.

[2195] Like dogs can't even eat chocolate.

[2196] You know, give a dog chocolate, they'll get fucked up.

[2197] Yeah, it's poison.

[2198] It's poison.

[2199] They're going to kill them.

[2200] And if you give a sheep DMT, they die.

[2201] You know that?

[2202] Sheep, there's certain types of grass that have DMT in it.

[2203] The sheep eat the grass and they just fucking fall down.

[2204] Their little feet just twitch in the air.

[2205] Boom!

[2206] It explodes their brain.

[2207] If you put a snail on a Listerine strip, they melt.

[2208] Yeah, but Listerine strip's not a part of nature, son.

[2209] It's ridiculous.

[2210] Well, if you fucking hit a monkey with a rock, he dies.

[2211] You got too much time on your hands, man. That's all my dad.

[2212] My dad's the one that first told me, though, about Splenda like seven years ago about all the bad shit about when people were just getting on Splenda.

[2213] He was like sending me reports about how the brain thinks it's like sugar.

[2214] This was seven years ago he was sending me this shit.

[2215] So he's pretty...

[2216] Splenda's a Diet Coke.

[2217] The sucralose one's a weird one, right?

[2218] Splenda's a Diet Coke.

[2219] Yeah.

[2220] Well, Splenda, any of those chemicals tricks the brain into thinking it's sugar.

[2221] So it does the shit that it does to burn off the sugar, but it's not.

[2222] there so it's just I guess it has a lot of bad negative side effects it's pretty crazy aspartame there's a bunch of them now what's the best one I don't think any of them.

[2223] I think actually sugar is probably the best.

[2224] Sugar is the best one for you.

[2225] That's why a lot of these companies.

[2226] Here's the key.

[2227] You've got to exercise.

[2228] You can't just eat sugary shit.

[2229] And if you're going to have one of those things, you have to have a body that can process that sugar.

[2230] You can't just be sedentary and be down in sugary drinks.

[2231] It'll fuck your whole system.

[2232] Everything in moderation.

[2233] Yeah.

[2234] Yeah.

[2235] There's nothing wrong with a little Coke in moderation.

[2236] The drink.

[2237] Yeah.

[2238] Lately, I've been buying those small little mini regular.

[2239] What the fuck, cocksucker?

[2240] Why are you looking at me?

[2241] You know.

[2242] No, I don't drink.

[2243] You know, it's funny because I went on a Diet Coke drink for a while.

[2244] Terry bought like 95 of them at Costco.

[2245] And I stuck to my points and I actually gained weight.

[2246] And I asked Liz, she goes, you know how much fucking sodium is?

[2247] Oh, yeah.

[2248] You got so much water weight.

[2249] Are you fucking kidding me?

[2250] Yeah.

[2251] So now I got off them.

[2252] I just drink them when I go to a restaurant.

[2253] And even then I don't because I feel like they're going to give me the wrong batch of shit.

[2254] Right.

[2255] So I stopped, you know, because I just don't want it at all.

[2256] Right.

[2257] Yeah, I'm done.

[2258] Have you been following E3 at all this week, Joe, and seen all the new shit that's coming out with Xbox, Sony, and all that stuff?

[2259] No, I saw that they made the Xbox smaller, but what are they going to do that's really interesting?

[2260] Well, it's the new things.

[2261] They're all turning into the Nintendo Wii with the motion controllers and stuff.

[2262] But what's really cool is Sony has this one, which looks like a microphone or a flashlight or whatever, but in the game, you're in the game, and then it turns your controller into a weapon, kind of like how CGI, they have the ping -pongs all over it and stuff.

[2263] looking at yourself with a weapon and it's kind of it's kind of trippy so like that's the whole thing with the xbox and the ps3 is that it's uh turning you into the controller but i think i'm sick of all this i just want to play video games i you know i'm a grown man i don't need to be dancing around just trying to fucking cast spells on dragons and right but for a lot of people they've lost a lot of weight oh yeah yeah for for for people for young kids i'm sure they're loving this shit but you know we fit that we fit shit a lot of people have lost a lot of weight with that stuff yeah And they also, Nintendo just released a new 3D Game Boy that I don't think you have to have glasses for.

[2264] Maybe you do, but I don't think you do.

[2265] And they said that it's actually coming out at you.

[2266] What about, like, that's crazy, man. What about that Microsoft thing?

[2267] There was a Microsoft thing that they were working on that was, like, it was a motion detective thing that we're going to be able to do with martial arts games.

[2268] Yeah, that's one of the things.

[2269] That's what Xbox will leave.

[2270] It's called, I forget what it's called now, Vizu or something.

[2271] I can't remember.

[2272] So that's Microsoft's version?

[2273] Xbox has one.

[2274] Which one's the better version?

[2275] You know, I think they both have positives, so I'm going to get it.

[2276] They're cheap.

[2277] They're $49 for the PS3 and something like that.

[2278] Do you think we're ever going to get to reality helmets, you know, like alternate reality helmets?

[2279] You know, remember when they had those?

[2280] and they were trying to do that for a while, the virtual reality.

[2281] That was like a big thing, like that someday we're going to be able to put a helmet on, and you'll go into another world.

[2282] You know, I don't even know if it's going to be like that.

[2283] When I was in Vegas, I was talking to all these, there was a tech conference going on there, and this guy I know from San Francisco owns this whole company, and he was telling me about what was big in the tech shows, and he says, you know the big thing that's going to be next?

[2284] He's like, porn is kind of at a dead right now with no DVDs.

[2285] Right, we talked about this, 3D porn.

[2286] Right, right, so 3D porn.

[2287] He says, He says some of the technology is coming at you.

[2288] He's like, you know, that's going to be big where you can just lay in bed with no pants on and you feel like the legs are wrapping around you, you know, and you're fucking sitting there with your fleshlight on and you're immersed into it like a helmet.

[2289] He's like, that's what's going to be big.

[2290] He said the TVs weren't even that impressive.

[2291] He said what was impressive this year at this convention was the digital projection 3Ds.

[2292] He says that was just amazing.

[2293] So that's like some help me Obi -Wan type shit.

[2294] Kind of, yeah.

[2295] Imagine having this whole wall behind you be 3D.

[2296] You're just fucking sitting there in this chair over here and you feel like you are in Lord of the Rings or whatever.

[2297] Yeah, you've got to think the next thing is going to be way more immersive.

[2298] It's going to be your wall.

[2299] The TV is going to be your wall and it's probably going to be 3D.

[2300] When it moves past the flat.

[2301] plane that's when it's going to get really crazy when somehow or another they figure out a way to bring you more into the action some some invention that allows you to be like a virtual reality type of a situation when you watch movies well the guy said at that convention they had the 40 inch tv that didn't require glasses he said it kind of sucked but he said he saw just looking at it how eventually that is going to be huge and it's going to be 3d so it's going to add a depth so you walk into your room you could have a picture on the wall of this long hallway and you're going to feel like that's a long hallway in your room you know what i mean There was a thing I went to at the planetarium the other day.

[2302] It was one of those science shows where you lie on your back and they take you on a tour of all the different astrological configurations in the sky and constellations and stuff.

[2303] And so they were taking you on this tour and all this different shit and space and everything.

[2304] And I was like, how intense is this?

[2305] The whole ceiling is a fucking screen.

[2306] And you're lying back.

[2307] It's almost like a Lazy Boy type chair.

[2308] You lie all the way back.

[2309] I fell asleep even.

[2310] Wow.

[2311] I was tired when I was there.

[2312] I'm an old man. I fall asleep at the movies.

[2313] So I'm sitting up there watching this fucking thing, and I'm like, well, this is so much more immersive than television.

[2314] That's what the next step is going to be.

[2315] It's going to be like you're going to go to the movies, but the movie's going to be like a ride.

[2316] You know what I'm saying?

[2317] It's going to be like some Space Mountain type shit.

[2318] It's not just going to be you sitting there.

[2319] It's going to be everybody gets strapped into a seat.

[2320] And you put a helmet on.

[2321] Captain EO2.

[2322] And your fucking chair moves and shit.

[2323] And you go on a ride through the movie.

[2324] I think they have similar things probably already at Disney World and stuff.

[2325] Yeah, don't they?

[2326] They suck.

[2327] And they're only for a couple minutes until the ride starts.

[2328] Oh, did you ever go on the Jurassic Park ride?

[2329] Yes.

[2330] Jurassic Park ride is a dope one.

[2331] That's one of those.

[2332] I think that's the one I'm thinking of.

[2333] Old school.

[2334] No, no, no. It's not Jurassic Park.

[2335] There was another one that they had.

[2336] That was old school.

[2337] I want to say Robocop?

[2338] Shit.

[2339] I don't know what the fuck it was.

[2340] No, there was one.

[2341] Maybe it is Jurassic Park, but there was one they had at Universal Studios that was all 3D.

[2342] It was all rather virtual.

[2343] You're in a chair, and the chair moves, and you go on this adventure, but it doesn't last very long.

[2344] I don't remember which one it was, but it was one of those ones where you're like, wow, someday this is going to be what movies are like.

[2345] We need a fucking 3D avatar.

[2346] We need this, rather, a blue avatar vagina.

[2347] We need to really contact them.

[2348] Don't they need to kick that up a notch?

[2349] That would be a big seller among the geeks.

[2350] Chris, we got to do this, man. You got to get in touch with James Cameron.

[2351] I'm sure he'll agree with this.

[2352] Or make a Smurfette pussy.

[2353] One of the two.

[2354] Just don't tell him it's an avatar pussy.

[2355] He won't agree to it.

[2356] There's a new Smurf movie coming out.

[2357] With little sparkles.

[2358] Have some little glitter on that pussy.

[2359] Yeah.

[2360] The new Jackass is in 3D, which is kind of gross and weird.

[2361] Did you hear about that?

[2362] Yeah, but you know what?

[2363] Here's the thing.

[2364] I have this problem where Johnny Knoxville or Bam or none of those people have been in the news at all for like years, it seems like.

[2365] Now, in the last week on TMZ, they've been in the news like four times.

[2366] And I'm almost wondering if this is just all promotion for the new movie.

[2367] They're smart guys.

[2368] It's like, oh, you got beat up?

[2369] Isn't that what gets happened all the time?

[2370] But the problem is someone got arrested.

[2371] Someone got arrested and it's on the news.

[2372] Right.

[2373] Here's an $80 ticket or whatever for assault.

[2374] No, no, no. It's like attempted murder.

[2375] She hit him in the head with a baseball bat.

[2376] Yeah.

[2377] This is like some serious assault charges.

[2378] Who did?

[2379] Some 59 -year -old woman baseball batted Bam Marguerite outside his bar in Pennsylvania.

[2380] Yeah.

[2381] How much do you run the best?

[2382] Follow that shit and see what happens.

[2383] What that girl finally gets.

[2384] Brian's so cynical.

[2385] But so right.

[2386] So right.

[2387] So often.

[2388] You're right a lot.

[2389] I'll tell you that, fella.

[2390] You've called a lot of fake things.

[2391] And I was like, that ain't fake.

[2392] And you're like, fake, fake.

[2393] fake you get angry fake well what's crazy is when tmz first announced it they were like he's in critical icu condition you know blah blah it's looking bad and then next thing is like oh just talk to johnny knoxville he said he was like he was what were some of the fakes that you've called in the past you've called quite a few fakes where you were way ahead of the curve well there was one that there was like this really horrible fight and somebody had filmed it, and it looked like the dude was punching the guy.

[2394] That fight, see, I think they added sound effects to a real fight.

[2395] They totally added sound effects to a real fight, and it looked really bad because it was the same noise over again.

[2396] It was not synced up.

[2397] I blew up that video so you could see where the hit, you know.

[2398] That's true, but I recognize from years and years of watching dudes get fucked up, that was real.

[2399] That guy got punted in the head when he was unconscious, and his whole body moved dead.

[2400] I mean, that's a real ass kicker.

[2401] I don't think I ever told you.

[2402] I found out what happened about that video was actually made for one of those shocking TV things.

[2403] You know how America's Funniest Home Videos adds like, oh, no, and voices and stuff to it?

[2404] They pump it up.

[2405] That's another thing, by the way.

[2406] I don't know if you guys have ever seen this.

[2407] America's Funniest Home Videos don't do it as much, but any of those send -in -your -video type shows, if you really pay attention, they don't want to pay people and stuff like that for certain things.

[2408] Most of the voices are all done by the same guy.

[2409] It's like, Hey, honey, come over here and look at this.

[2410] And then you hear the same guy two videos later go, Uh -oh, honey, look out.

[2411] And then you realize it's just one dude, and it ruins the whole show for you.

[2412] So next time you watch one of these video shows, listen to the voices.

[2413] It's just one guy redoing all these voices.

[2414] It's like, Oh, no, look at this.

[2415] And you can tell it's the same guy.

[2416] It's horrible.

[2417] Brian, you're ruining childhood memories.

[2418] You're crushing dreams right now.

[2419] Talk to me about Carlos Conduit.

[2420] What the fuck, copsucker?

[2421] Carlos Conduit and Roy McDonald.

[2422] What a fucking fight.

[2423] Bye.

[2424] Battle Royale.

[2425] That kid is a, first of all, props to Carlos Condit for coming back.

[2426] Absolutely.

[2427] After those first two rounds.

[2428] The first two rounds, he was getting beat.

[2429] He was getting taken down.

[2430] Hell yeah.

[2431] You know, he's getting clipped a little bit on his feet.

[2432] But he tagged that kid quite a few times, too.

[2433] And the kid, you know, the kid took some big shots.

[2434] You know, a lot of people are saying, like, he can't take a punch.

[2435] I'm like, you're crazy.

[2436] Carlos Condit rocked him on the button, and he was coming forward.

[2437] I mean, no one takes good shots when they're coming forward.

[2438] You know, when you're coming forward, that's when you can get hurt.

[2439] And, you know, they had a rock 'em, sock 'em, robots fight.

[2440] And Carlos Condit.

[2441] pulled it out at the end, got him down, and just started blasting him with elbows, man. Hit him with some hard left elbows.

[2442] Oh, my God.

[2443] Fucked his eye up.

[2444] And you know what?

[2445] The kid has massive class, man. After it was over and I interviewed him, he was so classy.

[2446] Like, the way he handled it, there was no ego, no bullshit.

[2447] The kid was like, you know what?

[2448] He kicked my ass.

[2449] He was the toughest guy I ever fought.

[2450] You know, I was asking him, do you think the fight was stopped prematurely?

[2451] He was like, no, no. He was kicking my ass.

[2452] You know, the kid was just ultimate class and honesty and just the way.

[2453] He handled himself, you know, and he's so fucking talented.

[2454] And he's like one of the first guys, being 20 years old, he's one of the first guys that started out training MMA.

[2455] That started out as a wrestler or a kickboxer or whatever.

[2456] He started out learning the whole sport all together as one thing.

[2457] So it's pretty impressive to watch that.

[2458] That kid's got a super great future.

[2459] And he did his homework on Carlos.

[2460] You know, you could tell.

[2461] What have you heard about the first fight?

[2462] The tap that wasn't anything?

[2463] It's unfortunate.

[2464] Yeah, they're going to redo it.

[2465] They'll definitely redo it.

[2466] Dana knows the fans want to see that fight again.

[2467] That was just a mistake.

[2468] mistake.

[2469] It happens, man. Being a referee is very hard.

[2470] What about my boy Tyson Griffin?

[2471] That was a good fight, too.

[2472] That was a great fight.

[2473] That was a great fucking fight.

[2474] That kid, Evan Dunham, is a stud.

[2475] Yeah, he is.

[2476] He's fucking good, man. He's a great fight this week, by the way.

[2477] His stand -up is good.

[2478] His fucking jiu -jitsu is good.

[2479] How dare so?

[2480] How the fuck are they thinking?

[2481] How dare they in the middle of the goddamn pocket?

[2482] They shut that shit off.

[2483] That's probably my manager.

[2484] She's probably thinking about calling me to tell me that you're talking about the flashlight too much.

[2485] That was a good...

[2486] Anyway, that was a good fucking card.

[2487] There were some good fights.

[2488] What's up with Pat Berry and shit?

[2489] He broke everything?

[2490] Pat Berry broke his foot and he broke his hand.

[2491] He broke his knuckle when he punched Cro Cop in the first round.

[2492] And he dropped him.

[2493] The second punch, he hit him with.

[2494] He said he felt his knuckle give out.

[2495] And then he apparently broke his foot somewhere in the fight, too.

[2496] His foot swole up like an elephant foot.

[2497] Pictures of it online.

[2498] He has the two feet together and one of them is literally twice the size.

[2499] It's nasty.

[2500] What a great fight, though.

[2501] That was fun.

[2502] That was a fun fight and a fun comeback, too, watching Crow Cop turn it on at the end and blast him and then take his back and choke him.

[2503] And then Krokop campaigned for the submission of the night.

[2504] That was a good card.

[2505] That was hysterical, yeah.

[2506] Tell him, man. Will he call him stingy?

[2507] Yeah, I don't remember what he said, but it was pretty funny.

[2508] For him, man, I hope that's his last fight.

[2509] I really do, because he's been talking about retiring.

[2510] I hope he chooses to go out that way.

[2511] It's nice to see a guy go out on a high note.

[2512] That was a high note.

[2513] That was an awesome performance.

[2514] At the end, he addressed the crowd and addressed the Croatian fans.

[2515] And it was pretty cool.

[2516] I gave him the microphone.

[2517] I just gave it to him.

[2518] I mean, it felt like...

[2519] I said something to him.

[2520] He was so proud and so happy.

[2521] And I was happy for the guy.

[2522] And the crowd was going nuts.

[2523] And everybody was happy.

[2524] And I looked down.

[2525] I saw all those Croatian flags.

[2526] And I remember him talking about how many Croatian fans are going to be here in Vancouver.

[2527] Because a lot of Croatian people live there.

[2528] And I said, do you have anything to say to your Croatian fans out there?

[2529] I see you've got a lot of support.

[2530] And the crowd goes nuts.

[2531] All the Croatians go fucking apeshit.

[2532] And then I just knew I was going to give him the mic, and he knew I was going to give him the mic.

[2533] I didn't say anything to him.

[2534] He didn't say anything to me. I just handed him the mic, and he took it, and he just started walking and pacing and talking in his native language, and the crowd went nuts.

[2535] It was just a beautiful ending.

[2536] If he decides that he doesn't want to compete anymore, I mean, who knows?

[2537] He might decide.

[2538] He might be saying that now because it was a lot of stress, but he'll get fired up and get back in there again because it was one of his best performances in a long time.

[2539] He looked real good, especially in that third round.

[2540] When he had Barry backed up and he was nailing him with punches, he was looking sh**.

[2541] sharp, dude.

[2542] He was nailing him with some fucking hands, you know?

[2543] So who knows, man?

[2544] He might decide.

[2545] He might decide to keep the party rolling.

[2546] And my fucking heart break.

[2547] My Liddell broke my fucking heart, man. But it's good.

[2548] But this seemed to me, it seems like it's happened like the last three fights, it's broken my heart.

[2549] I thought, I didn't know he was even going to fight again.

[2550] I was like, really?

[2551] I mean, because he's been getting knocked out.

[2552] What, the last three fights he got knocked out?

[2553] Yes.

[2554] I mean, it's like, I think it's...

[2555] Well, you know, also, you got to look at it two ways.

[2556] One way is the last four fights, actually.

[2557] You know, he had one in there with Vanderlei.

[2558] in between, and the Keith Jardine one actually was after the Rampage lost too, so two.

[2559] You've got to look at it two ways.

[2560] One, you've got to look at the fact that the guy is fighting top -level talent.

[2561] I mean, Rampage knocked him out.

[2562] He got knocked out by Rashad, and he got knocked out by Shogun, and then he got knocked out by Ace, Rich Franklin.

[2563] So you've got to think about it.

[2564] Those are four killers.

[2565] Yeah, it's unfortunate.

[2566] Yeah, it's very hard to watch him lose like that, especially when you grow up.

[2567] Basically, I came up in the UFC watching that guy fight.

[2568] The first fight that he ever had in 1998, I was there live.

[2569] I saw him fight.

[2570] I think he fought.

[2571] I think the dude's name was...

[2572] Noe.

[2573] Hernandez.

[2574] Noe Gonzalez.

[2575] Noe Hernandez, though, is the comedian.

[2576] Noe Gonzalez.

[2577] Noe Gonzalez is the comedian.

[2578] Noe Hernandez is the fighter, right?

[2579] The guy had real good hands.

[2580] When they said that, too, I always go, what?

[2581] He fought a boxer, a real good boxer, and it was a good fucking fight.

[2582] And I'd seen a bunch of Chuck's fights.

[2583] I saw the fight that he had.

[2584] I wasn't there live, of course, but I saw the fight that he had in Brazil against Pele in Valley Tudo.

[2585] This was back when Pele was in his prime.

[2586] Pele was one of the baddest motherfucking Muay Thai guys to ever come out of Brazil.

[2587] He's one of the guys that helped train Anderson Silva, and he was the best shoot box guy.

[2588] Knocked out Matt Hughes with a knee.

[2589] Knocked out a lot of dudes.

[2590] He was a killer.

[2591] So anyway, Pele is fighting Chuck Liddell, and he fucking head kicks him.

[2592] Ba -boom!

[2593] I mean, with a shot that would kill a normal man. Chuck goes down, gets right back up.

[2594] He head kicked him twice in that fight and dropped him.

[2595] At the end of the fight, Chuck's on top of him, beating the fucking shit out of him.

[2596] Bare knuckle into the netting on the bottom of the rope.

[2597] The bottom of the rope has a net.

[2598] OK, so that you can't slide out.

[2599] So you got to get stuck in there and take your beating.

[2600] So Chuck's on top of him, just fucking punched him in the face.

[2601] I mean, it was a bare knuckle, old school, no rules war.

[2602] I mean, this is the kind of fight that guy was involved in.

[2603] He wasn't just involved in like the UFC five rounds, you know, for the championship title, five minute rounds.

[2604] Nevada State Athletic Commission presides over it.

[2605] No, no, no, no, no, no, no. In Brazil, in the jungle.

[2606] OK, you know, I'm talking about he's fighting that no one in the audience has shoes on.

[2607] OK, they're fucking screaming and yelling.

[2608] Those IVC Valley Tudos, those were savage fights, man. There was always brawls would break out.

[2609] Henzo Gracie got stabbed in one of those, okay?

[2610] He's fighting with Taddeo, I think that's the guy's name, Eugenio Taddeo, who's an old -school Luta Livre guy, and Henzo, of course, you know, old -school Brazilian Jiu -Jitsu Gracie family guy, and they're fucking battling out, and the lights go out, okay?

[2611] Somebody kills the fucking power, you know, and there's a lot of speculation.

[2612] Who did it?

[2613] Maybe they thought that someone was getting their ass kicked.

[2614] Who knows?

[2615] There's a fucking crazy mad scuffle goes on.

[2616] Henzo gets stabbed, okay?

[2617] The fucking people are stabbing people in the audience.

[2618] I mean, these are the kind of fights that Chuck Liddell went through.

[2619] I mean, he did it all.

[2620] He fought in the early days.

[2621] He fought the first time in the UFC.

[2622] He was wearing shoes.

[2623] He was wearing wrestling shoes kicking dudes.

[2624] There was like very few rules.

[2625] Things were totally different back then.

[2626] And that guy's been through so much.

[2627] He's been through it all.

[2628] It's just the last few guys that he fought, he's a step below.

[2629] He's a step behind where he used to be.

[2630] If he was fighting lower -level competition, like say if they put Chuck against, say, some of the guys that fight at 205 on the Ultimate Fighter or some guys that are lower -level guys that don't have the kind of stand -up that he has, he'd be fucking a lot of dudes up.

[2631] Do you think, though, that his brain just wants to go to sleep, though?

[2632] It knows that, like, hey, I know what a knockout is now.

[2633] I mean, he's lost his chin.

[2634] That is what everybody says, and that is what happens with fighters.

[2635] That is what happened.

[2636] There's no getting away from that.

[2637] At a certain point in time, I mean, it happens.

[2638] Joey knows it.

[2639] It happens with football players, right?

[2640] Steve Young and whatever.

[2641] Once they got hooked on it, they never got off of it.

[2642] Yeah, when guys start getting knocked out, it's just when you've taken a certain amount of concussions.

[2643] I've seen him get hit on the side once.

[2644] He got hit on the side and he went out?

[2645] We'll talk afterwards because you're not mic'd up.

[2646] But, you know, he's a legend, and he's a guy who's had a gigantic career, and when he was in his prime, he's one of the scariest guys ever, one of the most exciting fighters ever.

[2647] When you went to see a Chuck Liddell fight, you knew that someone was going to get their fucking ass kicked, you know, and it was going to be brutal.

[2648] You know, he was going to smash somebody.

[2649] He was going to get a hold of you.

[2650] He was going to kick you and punch you and smash you.

[2651] I remember the first time he knocked out Randy Couture.

[2652] It was like, oh, shit, he can knock out Randy?

[2653] I mean, Randy had been in there with Pedro Hizzo.

[2654] Randy had been in there with Maurice.

[2655] smith randy had been in there with big strong knockout high level kickboxer heavyweights and they hadn't knocked him out but to get in there with chuck and chuck blasts him into orbit with one punch it's like the way he could knock dudes out that was there was very very few human beings that could stand in front of the guy that guy when he blasts but like a lot of guys who have a very particular style once you know once once your reflexes start to go a little bit once you've taken too much punishment you don't have Other ways to win.

[2656] The more ways you have the win, the more unpredictable you are, the more successful you're going to be.

[2657] So a guy like GSP, he doesn't even hardly get hurt.

[2658] He got hurt by Matt Serra, but he got clipped, and he says he took Serra a little bit lightly.

[2659] But if you're the type of guy that nobody knows what the fuck you're going to do, whether you're going to shoot and go for a takedown, or whether you're going to stand and bang if you're cautious, but you know when to attack and when to move, you've got to be always one step ahead.

[2660] It can't just be just running there and brawling.

[2661] And Chuck was so fucking good.

[2662] at running there and brawling he had such a good chin he was such a good counter puncher you know he kind of based his whole style on that and because of that he was the most one of the most successful guys and one of the most exciting guys but you know that's not the style that allows you to keep going deep into your 40s like randy couture He's got a safer style.

[2663] He stands with guys, but he just wants to get a hold of your ass.

[2664] He wants to get a hold of your ass, press you up against the cage, beat the fuck out of you, kick your knees, kick your legs, knee you in the legs, elbow you, punch you, get that dirty boxing going, and then hopefully get your ass on the ground, beat the shit out of you down there, and then choke you.

[2665] That's how Randy's rocking it these days, especially in the Coleman fight.

[2666] Oh, that's loud.

[2667] Sorry.

[2668] In the Coleman fight, you get to see him, you know, in the Coleman fight, like, he had a totally different strategy.

[2669] Beat Coleman standing up and then took Coleman down, choked him.

[2670] You know, he's diversifying, adding more shit to his game.

[2671] I think if Chuck had done that in this fight, he would have been a lot better off.

[2672] But I think he hits so fucking hard, and he's so used to blasting guys and has so much success that it just feels good to him.

[2673] And once it starts going, he just chases these motherfuckers down.

[2674] He chases these motherfuckers down.

[2675] He wants to blast them.

[2676] But Franklin caught him with that really well -timed right hand.

[2677] And he caught him over -committing.

[2678] So Chuck was moving forward, and he just catches him with that counter.

[2679] So even though it didn't look like the hardest punch in the world, Rich is a hard puncher, and Chuck was moving forward.

[2680] So it was a hard shot, man. It busted open his lip.

[2681] Did you see what his lip looked like?

[2682] It looked bad.

[2683] A big, big cut.

[2684] So it wasn't like a shot that shouldn't have dropped him.

[2685] That shot could have dropped anybody.

[2686] That was a hard shot.

[2687] I think two years ago it wouldn't have dropped him.

[2688] I think it would have rattled him a little more.

[2689] I think he's gotten this in his head.

[2690] You know, when I had the sleep apnea at first, when you first have an extreme, you wake up like this, Joe.

[2691] So what happens is every time you lose your breath, when I was 400 pounds, every time I'd chase you or walk and I'd lose my breath, my body would go into anxiety.

[2692] That's why I had to go to acupuncture.

[2693] So your body would start thinking about the trauma that you've had in the past.

[2694] When you have sleep apnea, you wake up choking.

[2695] You wake up on your feet going like this.

[2696] You know, grasping for air.

[2697] So every time I ran out of air for a long time, even on planes.

[2698] There was just a connection.

[2699] Just a connection in your head.

[2700] Okay, so there's that.

[2701] And then on top of it, just the raw data that we know about people that take concussions.

[2702] You know, you cannot take too many concussions.

[2703] No, you don't want to.

[2704] Yeah, you don't want to.

[2705] You know, they're putting a finger in it.

[2706] Like I told Eddie, Eddie goes, well, Sakuraba came back and he just started covering himself.

[2707] I go, the way Chuck is right now.

[2708] Somebody would just hit his hand and he could hit himself and knock himself out.

[2709] That's how sensitive that switch is now.

[2710] And it's a shame.

[2711] I'm his biggest fan.

[2712] Well, he took a couple shots before that.

[2713] Yeah, no, no. He took some shots before that.

[2714] But not right there, bro.

[2715] He took one to the head.

[2716] He took one not right there.

[2717] I'll have to go back and watch the fight again.

[2718] But I remember him getting clipped a couple of times.

[2719] Yeah, he got clipped a couple of times.

[2720] I heard the whole place smelled like weed.

[2721] Was that true?

[2722] Oh, my God, dude.

[2723] When I went to the bathroom, I went to go take a leak.

[2724] And as I was running back to the bathroom, it just stunk of weed in this one area.

[2725] And it's the same area where dudes were stealing dudes' hats.

[2726] That was a study.

[2727] They stole two hats.

[2728] These guys were baked as fuck.

[2729] They steal it.

[2730] And they kept snatching hats off people's heads as they would walk through the tunnel on the way to the arena.

[2731] You know, their music's on.

[2732] They got their hat on.

[2733] They were focused.

[2734] And dudes were just snatching dudes' hats off.

[2735] And there's all these animated GIF files online of the guys doing it.

[2736] And it's hilarious.

[2737] This is the same guy.

[2738] And they got these big, stupid, shit -eating grins on their face.

[2739] Like, ah!

[2740] That's awesome.

[2741] And the funniest one is when he tries to get Martin Campman's hat.

[2742] And he...

[2743] Just misses.

[2744] He just misses.

[2745] I got to see him and walks by and you see the guy like.

[2746] You got to retweet that later.

[2747] Oh, yeah, I will.

[2748] I'll find the link.

[2749] The funniest material I heard all week was the son of Sarah Palin.

[2750] He's losing his mind just like Sarah Palin.

[2751] Who's the son of Sarah Palin?

[2752] Chael Sonnen.

[2753] Oh, Chael Sonnen.

[2754] The son of Sarah Palin.

[2755] You know Chael Sonnen, he stole an Aziz Anasari joke.

[2756] He was like doing one of his speeches about Anderson Silva and his manager and he did an Aziz joke.

[2757] That's awesome.

[2758] He called an O 'Gara Brothers.

[2759] But he got busted on that.

[2760] You can't do that.

[2761] One is a punching bag, and the other one I'm not worried about.

[2762] Wow.

[2763] And he said that no Gary's black belt, you get a McDonald's and a gift set or whatever, the happy meal or some shit.

[2764] He's the best shit talker by far.

[2765] He's a fucking nice guy, too, man. When you talk to Chael Sonnen, like, outside, he's a fucking funny, nice guy.

[2766] He's just real good at talking shit.

[2767] He's a politician.

[2768] And he can fucking fight, dude.

[2769] This is a lot of this buffoonery and all this emotions that he's charging up.

[2770] Man, this is all, like, there's, look, you think about what Damien Maia got mad or got Anderson mad at.

[2771] Damien Maia, this is what he said.

[2772] He said, I respect Anderson.

[2773] is a fighter, I don't respect him as a person.

[2774] Whatever the fuck that means to Anderson.

[2775] Why, I don't know, but that made him crazy.

[2776] He got so angry.

[2777] And so we've never seen Anderson standing in front of a guy yelling and screaming at him, calling him rich boy, and show me your jiu -jitsu, and swearing at him, saying all these different swears, and then just beating his ass and mocking him.

[2778] Never seen Anderson do that before to anybody.

[2779] And Damian Maia is generally known as a really nice guy and respectful guy and a martial artist, but that one statement, whatever the fuck it meant, threw him into a tizzy.

[2780] What is going to happen when he gets in the cage with Chael Sonnen?

[2781] Chael Sonnen has talked so much shit.

[2782] About them making sacrifices to pygmy gods and fucking all kinds of nonsense.

[2783] He's going fucking nuts over there.

[2784] He's going crazy.

[2785] He doesn't stop.

[2786] He doesn't stop.

[2787] That's Sarah Palin's son, Doug.

[2788] His Twitter is just rampant with it.

[2789] His Twitter is all like him talking shit about Anderson.

[2790] I'm going to follow him.

[2791] I have not even seen this.

[2792] Thank you for opening up my eyes.

[2793] He does these question and answers.

[2794] I missed the one he did in Vancouver.

[2795] I missed the other one before that, but everybody was talking about it.

[2796] It said it was the funniest fucking Q &A by far.

[2797] It's on my Facebook.

[2798] Somebody said this.

[2799] Peter Fogel, the guy at Willie Barsena, broke his nose, emailed it to me. Well, he just did another one.

[2800] He just did another one.

[2801] Okay, this is the one.

[2802] So this is his second Q &A.

[2803] He's done two of them so far.

[2804] Pumping up the Anderson fight.

[2805] Dude, he's fucking hilarious.

[2806] But he fucked up when he stole that Aziz Anasari joke.

[2807] The internet is not going to let him ride that out.

[2808] Have you been to a website called Wolfram?

[2809] Wolfram Alpha?

[2810] Yeah, we were going to talk about this.

[2811] Wolfram Alpha, for people who aren't aware of it, is this project where they're trying to take the next step after Google.

[2812] And it's trying to be a website, literally, that you ask it a question, it gives you an answer.

[2813] Right.

[2814] It's so cool because I put in my birthday in the weather, and I got the exact...

[2815] temperature when I was born to the exact hour.

[2816] I got the lows, the highs during the day, the cloud cover, the population of Columbus at that time, the humidity, the pressure, the winds.

[2817] I got so much shit that if I was with Doc from Back to the Future, I could totally get to the right second of the day that I needed to go back in time with.

[2818] This would give you the information for that.

[2819] It's really funny that you just brought that up and that you're talking about this because there was a subject that was on the message board the other day that I thought was really interesting.

[2820] There's this new scientific discovery that they found.

[2821] where they do believe that it's possible that the universe might be far older than 14 billion years.

[2822] That's what they think it is now.

[2823] They think it's like 150 billion.

[2824] And it's just this small group of scientists and astronomers that have this...

[2825] possibility in their head and you know it hasn't been sold yet entirely but when you start thinking about stuff like that people there was like an argument on the board and the argument was you know there's some things about the universe you're never going to be able to know it's pointless to even try you're never going to know when the universe began How the fuck do they know that?

[2826] How do you know that you're not going to ever be able to know?

[2827] If our understanding is constantly increasing, what we know today is so much more advanced than what we knew just 100 years ago or 200 years ago or 300 years ago.

[2828] A couple hundred years ago, to get around, you had to be on a fucking animal.

[2829] You wanted an image of someone, you had to draw it.

[2830] There was no cameras.

[2831] Think about that.

[2832] That's just a couple hundred years ago.

[2833] We don't know what the fuck kind of innovation is going to come up a couple hundred years from now or a couple thousand years from now.

[2834] It might very well be possible that not only can we we decipher exactly how the universe began, but we can probably, we're probably going to be able to get an accurate map of the history of the planet from the very beginning to now, much more detailed, much more precise than we have today.

[2835] We're probably going to be able to recreate or encapture every single moment of every single day of every single...

[2836] hour that's ever existed.

[2837] It's all very possible, man. They're going to get crazier and crazier with time.

[2838] They're going to get crazier and crazier with breaking down the quantum mechanics of the universe.

[2839] When you start getting into the crazy subatomic particles that disappear and reappear and exist in two different places at the same time or in a superposition.

[2840] These things that they don't understand.

[2841] Well, as we get more and more understanding and know more and more about the weirdness of the world, we're going to be able to figure out how to fucking decipher it.

[2842] And it might be that like a time machine, when they invent a time machine or something like that or whatever the fuck you want to call this next stage of understanding of matter.

[2843] When they invent it, the idea of a time machine is the only way you're going to be able to travel back in time is once the first time machine is invented.

[2844] So they're going to invent a time machine.

[2845] And you can't go before that.

[2846] But what you can do is anything from that will be able to come back to that point.

[2847] So everything that exists from now until whenever, you can access it as soon as they invent a time machine.

[2848] Why not?

[2849] Why fucking not?

[2850] Shit's going to get crazy.

[2851] If you can do this, nobody would have ever thought you could be able to do this.

[2852] If you talk to someone in Shakespeare's day and say, do you think there's ever going to be a little time where I take something out of my pocket and through the air, I ask it a question.

[2853] Like you could, I mean, Wolfram Alpha, you can't do that.

[2854] We can do that with Google.

[2855] You could Google voice it.

[2856] You know, what year did the Sistine Chapel get built?

[2857] Bam!

[2858] They tell you instantly.

[2859] And if it gets to a point, and it's got to, if they've got to Google it, if it gets to a Wolfram Alpha point, you can ask it a question, you can give it any answer, or it can give you any answer on any question of anything that's ever happened, ever, that human beings are aware of.

[2860] And you'll have all the information right there.

[2861] If you told that to people that lived in Shakespeare's day, they would have told you you had your fucking mind.

[2862] It's going to get crazier than this.

[2863] It has to, because everything gets crazier.

[2864] What the fuck is next?

[2865] Sometimes I just drive in my car and I sit in traffic and I go, what the fuck is next?

[2866] Is there going to be some crazy new thing that's going to change everything?

[2867] Are we in a race between human beings figuring out what the next thing is, the next crazy innovation is, or us just completely fucking everything up with polluting the fucking ocean and nuclear explosions and wars and all that other crazy shit?

[2868] Are we in a race between, like, human retarded chimpanzee instincts and technology?

[2869] You ever thought about it like that?

[2870] Like, when we talk about, like, this peak oil documentary that we watched we thought was bullshit.

[2871] But the idea of peak oil is a terrifying idea if it was true.

[2872] And if there was a finite amount of oil and they do bust into it and then we're fucked and we have no oil, things could get really crazy.

[2873] Like, that is really possible.

[2874] Are they going to come up with something that's going to replace that and make everything better and make everything even more advanced and more simple and more natural to the environment?

[2875] Are they going to figure that out first, or are we going to run out of supplies and resources first?

[2876] Is that a battle?

[2877] Is it a battle between the human, retarded, monkey, chimpanzee behavior of take, take, take, don't think about the future, and technology and innovation and the ability to harness matter?

[2878] I think whatever happens is not going to happen during our lifetimes.

[2879] You don't think so?

[2880] No. I think something crazy is going to happen.

[2881] We've got 20 more fucking things that are going to happen in a lifetime.

[2882] 20 years ago when you were finger banging that chick behind Boulder, Boston High School, do you think there was going to be a milkshake thing with a pussy in it?

[2883] That's what this looks like.

[2884] It's just a shake that you shake up for your arm.

[2885] It does.

[2886] Isn't that the same shit?

[2887] Guys, every year we get something new technology.

[2888] Every year.

[2889] Every year.

[2890] And there's going to be after.

[2891] What do you think the reaction is going to be to all this oil in the ocean?

[2892] It's got to be a reality.

[2893] There's going to be innovation.

[2894] It's a horrible, horrible disaster.

[2895] Hopefully, Jersey Shore doesn't come West Coast.

[2896] That's all I...

[2897] You know what I mean?

[2898] Hopefully, like, what if Jersey Shore and the whole East Coast beach gets destroyed and all those people for summer vacations want to come to the West Coast this summer?

[2899] It might be fucking hard.

[2900] That's too much of a drive, bro.

[2901] Those Jersey people go from fucking point A to point A. The problem with that show is there's so many people like that and now they think they can be famous too.

[2902] Yeah.

[2903] They can get on a fucking Jersey Shore, bro.

[2904] I'm fucking auditioning for that.

[2905] I'm fake tanning every day.

[2906] Have you been to Glendale lately?

[2907] No. Oh, dude.

[2908] Glendale's off the hook now.

[2909] The Persian.

[2910] Oh, fuck, bro.

[2911] It's all Armenian.

[2912] Have you ever seen that dude Psycho Mike from K -Rock in LA?

[2913] The thing that he did, the video about Glendale?

[2914] No. Dude, it's hilarious.

[2915] I love it.

[2916] It's all Armenians and Glendale.

[2917] I forget the fucking bit.

[2918] It's a really, really funny song.

[2919] Dude, it's ridiculous.

[2920] There's one place I go to called Sushi Joint.

[2921] It's, like, this chain, this strip mall that has, like, outdoor, like, stores.

[2922] And there's a sushi place.

[2923] But all the stores are, like, fashion outlet.

[2924] And then, like, the windows are all black and stuff like that.

[2925] And then the next thing is, like, something else.

[2926] But what's weird is if you go by there at, like, 2 in the morning, none of those places are open.

[2927] But yet every single car, there's, like, 100 cars in the parking lot.

[2928] It's, like, what the fuck is going on?

[2929] That's how Glendale is.

[2930] Everywhere you drive, you see these fake.

[2931] rug stores and shit.

[2932] It's Party Like an Armo.

[2933] Party Like an Armo.

[2934] That's the song, apparently.

[2935] I'm going to watch that later.

[2936] Yeah, somebody sent, I think Opie.

[2937] I think that's the video.

[2938] I think Opie from Opie and Anthony Twittered the other day nature's little fleshlight and it was a monkey using a frog to whack off like a fleshlight.

[2939] Yeah, that's old school video, but it is a funny video.

[2940] The monkey fucks that frog's mouth.

[2941] That's what monkeys are down for.

[2942] They're down for rape and shit.

[2943] You know, we think about those chimps as, like, BJ and the Bear.

[2944] We think they're all cute and shit.

[2945] Then you find out about, like, that chimp that ate that lady's face.

[2946] And that other chimp that fucked that dude up and ripped his balls off and ripped his feet off.

[2947] Chimps eat babies, man. There's been recorded instances of chimps stealing babies and eating them.

[2948] What the fuck, Joe Rogan?

[2949] Why you gotta bother me with this shit?

[2950] We're sitting here having a good time.

[2951] Like, gentlemen, you got to talk to me about chimps eating babies?

[2952] What the fuck kind of dinner table conversation is this, cocksucker?

[2953] You hit the two -hour mark with me. That's the two -hour mark?

[2954] Yep.

[2955] All right, we'll come up with one subject, and then we're going to wrap this up.

[2956] Joey, that's up to you.

[2957] The subject?

[2958] You had a good one.

[2959] Before you fucked, Brian, you had a good one and stuff.

[2960] What was I talking about?

[2961] I remember.

[2962] 16 -year -old surfer.

[2963] No, the other one before that.

[2964] You said you were going to bring it up during the podcast.

[2965] Oh.

[2966] I thought I don't remember.

[2967] I can't order an iPhone.

[2968] What kind of shit is this?

[2969] You're the fucking Captain Kirk of this program.

[2970] He couldn't order an iPhone.

[2971] One more time for the film.

[2972] One more word from our sponsors.

[2973] I was up from 1 a .m. Until 3 a .m., just trying to access the island.

[2974] Oh, no, I know what I wanted to talk about.

[2975] That fucking guy, that Christian warrior who went looking for Osama bin Laden.

[2976] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[2977] That's what I wanted to talk about.

[2978] If you don't know this story, there's a fucking dude who is this just old white guy who's this Christian warrior from America who put a fucking, he got a sword.

[2979] He took a sword with him and a gun, and he went to the fucking mountains of Pakistan, and he went to the mountains of Pakistan to try to find Osama bin Laden to kill him, and they caught his ass.

[2980] Wow.

[2981] Like, what are you doing, dude?

[2982] But did they put him in jail?

[2983] I can't believe they didn't kill him.

[2984] I mean, this guy was sitting in Kentucky somewhere, and he said one day, fuck it.

[2985] I'm sick and tired of waiting for Osama bin Laden.

[2986] This shit's been going on for 10 years.

[2987] Yeah, that's exactly right.

[2988] He borrowed money from his cousin.

[2989] And he said, fuck it, I'll go over there like a Boy Scout.

[2990] You made that grace your bitch.

[2991] If he ain't first, you last.

[2992] Here's a story.

[2993] A 52 -year -old American citizen who said he was searching for Osama bin Laden was detained in Pakistan near the border with Afghanistan this week.

[2994] His name was Gary Faulkner from California.

[2995] He was carrying a pistol, a sword, night vision equipment, and Christian religious books.

[2996] Whoa!

[2997] That might be the last guy in the world you want looking for you.

[2998] The last dude in the world you want is a 52 -year -old man with a sword and a Bible, and he flew to the other side of the fucking world to find you.

[2999] He's got religious books, a gun, and a Bible, and a sword.

[3000] Wow.

[3001] Oh, my God.

[3002] Dude, there's guys like that.

[3003] They're out there.

[3004] They're out there.

[3005] They're out there and they're ready to go.

[3006] You got to remember that.

[3007] Sometimes it's good to go online and watch some fucked up videos just to know that guy's out there.

[3008] I don't like watching murder videos, but I watched one recently.

[3009] The Mexican drug lords killed this fucking guy.

[3010] They cut this guy's head off.

[3011] They showed it on the video?

[3012] Yeah, they put that shit online.

[3013] Come on.

[3014] Yeah, woo.

[3015] It's hard to watch.

[3016] How long do they keep it for now on YouTube?

[3017] I don't know.

[3018] I stopped watching as soon as he started cutting his throat.

[3019] Fuck that shit.

[3020] Come on.

[3021] Yeah, I'm like, I don't need to watch the whole thing.

[3022] Apparently, he cuts his whole head off, and the guy's squealing and making noises.

[3023] So over that crap.

[3024] Air's coming out of his hole.

[3025] Apparently, it's horrible.

[3026] It takes a while for them to saw his head off, and that's how they kill him.

[3027] Hard to watch, man. Hard to watch.

[3028] They tied this dude up.

[3029] You know, just fucking cut his head off on video.

[3030] Next time you see a video like that, go to cakefart .com and watch that instead and refresh your memory like fucking ginger.

[3031] What is cakefart .com?

[3032] Dude, it's just this woman that puts a cake down and then she sits on it and then she farts into the camera.

[3033] And the icing and everything bubbles.

[3034] You're such a little fucking weirdo.

[3035] Why would you think that would be cool at all?

[3036] Because that would be like ginger to your fucking taste buds after watching a deheading...

[3037] So do people fucking call you up and tell you about these websites?

[3038] Yes.

[3039] Well, it's on my website, my message board.

[3040] When I go to JoeRogan .net, that forum, I mean, the forum right now is over 3 million posts.

[3041] Some guy emailed me that, though.

[3042] Go to CakeFarts .com and watch that video.

[3043] That's good.

[3044] Just in the main forum, there's 2 ,737 ,000 posts now.

[3045] And then you count the retard room and all the other shit on there.

[3046] more than 3 million posts, so anything that's fucked up, anything that's crazy in the internet, whenever it comes out, it's like a portal to all things interesting and fucked up.

[3047] It's my own website, so I can't get away from it.

[3048] If there's anything nutty that's out there in the world, I have the choice whether or not to watch it, but I don't have the choice whether or not to know it exists, because someone's going to put it up there.

[3049] Like that Human Centipede, I dodged that Human Centipede video for a long time, because I thought that it was like a short clip.

[3050] Something fucked up, like somebody who's mutated or someone who did something crazy to somebody.

[3051] Then it turns out it's just some nutty horror movie.

[3052] You know the whole story behind The Human Centipede?

[3053] Did you go fucking see Splice?

[3054] No, I downloaded it, but the people who are pirating it don't like the movie, so they don't care about the quality of the torrents right now.

[3055] So I have to wait until...

[3056] Because it's so bad I couldn't even watch it.

[3057] I'm not going to pay to see this movie either.

[3058] Just a bad version?

[3059] Yeah, it was a horrible version.

[3060] Halfway through, the cameraman's like, this sucks.

[3061] There's nothing funny in the ones where they do it in a movie theater.

[3062] How did they get away with that shit?

[3063] They just put a little fucking tripod on the little thing where the soda sits.

[3064] They put a little tripod in there, jack that sucker up, and keep an eye out for the guy who opens the door.

[3065] People have gotten caught.

[3066] They were going to a theater in Chicago.

[3067] Chicago so that the big chain took codes and you have them on the top side of your screen.

[3068] So it narrows it down to the theater.

[3069] And that's how they nail you now.

[3070] So they can break down the images and they can find out where the code is.

[3071] As soon as they find the movie, boom, they go to the top.

[3072] And it was out of theater?

[3073] Where did we go?

[3074] What's that club we went to?

[3075] It wasn't Chicago, but it was the one with the owner.

[3076] It's right in that area.

[3077] Because I remember them showing it and it was an AMC and AMC said fuck it.

[3078] So they put codes on the film now.

[3079] But how do they know who did it though?

[3080] They don't know who did it, but I guess the theater is getting charged for it so they have to make sure they have ushers that go in and look for cameras and crap like that they find the theater right well this theater here at this theater here this ring all the ushers were part of the ring Oh, okay.

[3081] So that's how they knew that it was the screen on there.

[3082] Dude, I used to buy old school bootlegs back in New York.

[3083] We'd walk down the street, be walking home from a comedy club, and there'd be some fucking guy who had a little box out looking for copies.

[3084] These are the same people.

[3085] They just put the video on their computers.

[3086] Yeah, these guys would do it on VHS.

[3087] They would make copies, and every fucking copy would be shittier and shittier.

[3088] So if you came to the dude a couple weeks after the movie was out, you'd get like...

[3089] fourth and fifth generation VHS copies of some fucking Bruce Willis movie.

[3090] So tomorrow you're going to have Bill Burr on the podcast?

[3091] Bill Burr's coming in tomorrow at 3 o 'clock.

[3092] Cool.

[3093] This weekend I'm in three different places.

[3094] I'm going on a fucking mad Canada tour.

[3095] I'll tell you where I'm at right now.

[3096] And at the end we should always sponsor is...

[3097] Fleshlight .com.

[3098] We talked about the Fleshlight a hundred times.

[3099] I know.

[3100] In the contract, we had to do it at the beginning and the end.

[3101] Oh, really?

[3102] Do we?

[3103] Yeah.

[3104] Contract, schmonk track.

[3105] All right.

[3106] I'm in Saskatoon on Thursday night at the Saskatoon Arts and Convention Center.

[3107] I'm in Grand Prairie, Alberta at the Grand Prairie Regional College.

[3108] And then I'm in Winnipeg.

[3109] and at the Burton Cummings Theater.

[3110] So this is my just three Canada stop weekend.

[3111] I'm looking forward to that.

[3112] Canada's always a good time.

[3113] They won't let Joey Diaz up there because he's a fucking criminal.

[3114] You ever try to get to Canada?

[3115] Yeah, they turned me down two years ago.

[3116] What did they say?

[3117] They didn't tell the club what it was.

[3118] They just said my passport was no good.

[3119] And I didn't know what it was.

[3120] Canada doesn't let you in if you have assault.

[3121] They don't let you in if you have a felony.

[3122] They don't let you in if you're a drunk driver.

[3123] They don't let you in if you're fucked up at all.

[3124] They don't fuck around, man. But you know what?

[3125] It's one of the reasons why Canada is so nice.

[3126] Canada is fucking nice, man. People are nice as shit up there, especially in Vancouver because Vancouver doesn't really get that cold.

[3127] It doesn't get like Boston cold.

[3128] It snows a little bit here and there, but it's mostly rain in the winter.

[3129] Pretty temperate climate.

[3130] A little rainy and shit.

[3131] It gets rainy, but god damn, it's cool up there.

[3132] Restaurants are awesome.

[3133] People are cool.

[3134] The UFC there was fucking fun as shit.

[3135] I had a good time, but it sucked because I couldn't do a show.

[3136] Because I usually get booked at the Red Robinson Theater, and unfortunately they had a gig there already, and they couldn't cancel it, and I couldn't.

[3137] So they didn't want me doing a local show, like a little place.

[3138] I'm like, what if I just do a little rock club or something like that?

[3139] They wanted me to not do it.

[3140] They moved the UFC from Utah because they couldn't sell tickets.

[3141] Couldn't sell any tickets on Sunday, man. That's a Jesus day, bro.

[3142] Oh, that's right.

[3143] It's like the Chick -fil -A day.

[3144] Dude, Utah is very religious, man. People are very religious.

[3145] It's a strong Mormon community and a strong religious community.

[3146] People don't want to go out on a Sunday night.

[3147] That's amazing.

[3148] Everywhere else, the UFC sells like it's...

[3149] And then Utah on a Sunday.

[3150] See, but you know what?

[3151] You can criticize that.

[3152] No, I'm not criticizing.

[3153] I just couldn't believe it.

[3154] No, I could.

[3155] I could.

[3156] I'm saying myself.

[3157] But, you know, you look at it like Utah's a nice fucking place to live.

[3158] Yes, it is.

[3159] People are nice there, you know?

[3160] It's a pretty decent place to live.

[3161] And I heard a lot of those Utah girls are kind of slutty.

[3162] Of course they are.

[3163] All religious girls are.

[3164] I was in Utah.

[3165] I used to do comedy there.

[3166] It's fucking crazy.

[3167] They get a little crazy, right?

[3168] The Army base.

[3169] I used to do comedy.

[3170] I used to drive up there from Boulder and shit.

[3171] You know what I'm saying?

[3172] If you want your kid to be a freak, number one rule of thumb is make them religious.

[3173] Because you're going to get one or two things.

[3174] You're going to get a really crazy, scared religious adult.

[3175] Or you're going to get someone who rebels.

[3176] Just sucks the cock with a band.

[3177] The first time they sucked that cock at 16, she just snaps.

[3178] She takes that fucking cross and it's over.

[3179] The cross.

[3180] The cross curls up.

[3181] It's like the fucking exorcist.

[3182] It's just the dark of the berry, the sweet of the juice.

[3183] Oh, fuck yeah.

[3184] Oh, she can't wait to get some black dick too, right?

[3185] The cross is a target.

[3186] What?

[3187] The cross is a target?

[3188] For what?

[3189] For the calm.

[3190] Brian, you know what?

[3191] She took it to a bad place.

[3192] There's no need to end the show on such a sour note.

[3193] Yeah.

[3194] Jizz.

[3195] Jizz on the baby Jesus.

[3196] Well, ladies and gentlemen, if you want to follow Joey Diaz Exploits on Twitter is MadFlavor on Twitter.

[3197] M -A -D -F -L -A -V -O -R.

[3198] And also JoeyCocoDiaz .com, right?

[3199] Yeah.

[3200] Website JoeyCocoDiaz .com.

[3201] And do you do a Facebook?

[3202] Yeah, I got a Facebook.

[3203] I have no fucking idea.

[3204] Just Joey Diaz.

[3205] It's out there.

[3206] Find me, cocksucker.

[3207] What are we playing?

[3208] Games here?

[3209] You want to fucking friend me or what?

[3210] So follow him on Twitter.

[3211] Fucking hilarious, dude.

[3212] Where are you at this weekend?

[3213] Donna Summer on Friday, bitches, at the Hollywood Bowl.

[3214] Are you going to go see Donna Summer?

[3215] Are you really saying that?

[3216] Fuck yeah, if you want to come.

[3217] Friday?

[3218] Yeah, I got studio.

[3219] I got fucking tickets.

[3220] They're inducting her in the Hall of Fame.

[3221] Who are you having butt sex with that night?

[3222] Nobody.

[3223] No one?

[3224] Nobody.

[3225] What?

[3226] And we could take a bus right from your house that drops us off right in front of the fucking Donna Summer.

[3227] Do you have any glow sticks?

[3228] I got glow sticks.

[3229] I got a pacifier.

[3230] Let's get there.

[3231] There's a pacifier right there.

[3232] Joe Rogans.

[3233] Joe, can we use your pacifier?

[3234] No. You know what?

[3235] I forgot how fucking good Donna Summer was.

[3236] I really forgot.

[3237] I put it in the other day, and I felt really gay.

[3238] Yeah, Friday, if you want to call, I got tickets.

[3239] No, dude, this is what I remembered.

[3240] I remembered when Joey Diaz told me. Joey Diaz and I were at the fucking Brea Improv.

[3241] Was it the Brea Improv?

[3242] One of those.

[3243] We were at the Brea Improv, and I pull up, and my truck has a real good sound system, and he goes, put this in your fucking car right now.

[3244] Joe Rogan, put this in your fucking car.

[3245] He goes, put on this fucking track.

[3246] Put on this track.

[3247] So he puts on Hot Stuff, this fucking track right here.

[3248] Does this guy come out?

[3249] Joe.

[3250] Oh, shit.

[3251] Can you hear?

[3252] Oh, you can't hear me. Yeah, so for you people on iTunes, Joe's playing a song.

[3253] And he's dancing.

[3254] And Joey Diaz is doing the wave.

[3255] And you can find me at Redman .com.

[3256] I'm trying to, sorry for the volume right now, I'm trying to turn it down because Joe's going to kill all your ears.

[3257] Mute, mute, mute, mute.

[3258] Mute your laptop.

[3259] There we go.

[3260] Ladies and gentlemen, that's not the most professional thing in the world.

[3261] Sorry about that.

[3262] You shouldn't have me pushing buttons over here, Brian.

[3263] I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

[3264] Oh, what?

[3265] You're not me. No, I'm saying it's me. You shouldn't have me. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

[3266] The point is, I forgot how fucking good Donna Summer was.

[3267] We were smoking a joint outside the Brea Improv in the parking lot, and Joey puts on hot stuff.

[3268] And I wrote a song about it.

[3269] I mean, I wrote a blog about it, about Donna Summer was a badass.

[3270] Oh, it's amazing.

[3271] I wrote a blog about that night because it was so powerful.

[3272] I was listening to that music.

[3273] I'm like, God damn, that music was good.

[3274] That chick didn't give a fuck.

[3275] I had the opposite reaction happen to me last week when I put Donna Summer on a road trip and my girlfriend goes, what are you, a faggot?

[3276] I'm like, yeah, this does sound pretty gay when you say it like that.

[3277] She had some jamming songs.

[3278] Like I said, she's a very intelligent girl.

[3279] Well, you listen.

[3280] Everyone's got their own taste, Brian.

[3281] But to diss Donna Summer is just totally unnecessary, man. That's right.

[3282] Every now and then, you've got to respect that there's some shit that's not cool to like, but it's fucking good.

[3283] It's totally not cool to like.

[3284] Like Journey, too.

[3285] I agree.

[3286] I was in a bar the other day, and Journey, Don't Stop Believing started playing.

[3287] And I was like, God damn, that was a good fucking song.

[3288] Oh, my God.

[3289] Journey, I listened to the one, Summer Night.

[3290] Once on my night.

[3291] It was on the end.

[3292] It was fucking great.

[3293] I'm like, I forgot how good Journey was.

[3294] Dude, Journey had some hits.

[3295] That guy had a very unusual voice.

[3296] And God damn did he connect with Fat Bitches.

[3297] Fat Bitches will go crazy when they hear a Journey song.

[3298] Him and Kenny the Gambler.

[3299] Kenny Rogers.

[3300] They love that.

[3301] They love that thing.

[3302] He couldn't sell no chicken though.

[3303] That chicken company went on the phone.

[3304] He had a chicken company?

[3305] Yeah, Kenny Rogers Roasters and shit.

[3306] You know, Jimmy Dean died.

[3307] Jimmy Dean sausages.

[3308] I'm not going to eat sausages for 30 days.

[3309] That motherfucker was 81.

[3310] He just drank booze every day and ate sausage.

[3311] He lived to be 81.

[3312] Can you imagine the jokes and ha -ha's he had with his wife?

[3313] Well, you took my sausage.

[3314] You know, shit like that.

[3315] You think he had a lot of sausage?

[3316] When that guy had so much money, I bet he just mounted his wife's face.

[3317] Didn't even ask her questions.

[3318] Pulled his pants out.

[3319] She probably didn't even talk about it.

[3320] Yeah.

[3321] She probably didn't even say the thing.

[3322] He's so rich.

[3323] She probably stopped at her mouth.

[3324] Sausage again, bitch.

[3325] Drinking whiskey, just fucking her mouth.

[3326] Shoots a batch down her throat and then walks out the door and gets on a horse.

[3327] Give me fucking Jimmy.

[3328] She's Jimmy Dean.

[3329] He had a billion dollar sausage empire.

[3330] And he started out as a musician, right?

[3331] An actor, wasn't he?

[3332] Wasn't he?

[3333] One of those fucking things.

[3334] He was.

[3335] You know what?

[3336] Good for him.

[3337] This episode is dedicated to you, Jimmy Dean.

[3338] Good for you, you motherfucker.

[3339] You made a living selling ground -up animals, ground -up pigs.

[3340] All right, folks, that's the end of this podcast.

[3341] Thank you for tuning in.

[3342] We will see you actually tomorrow.

[3343] We've got one tomorrow with Bill Burr, same bat time, same bat channel, 3 p .m. Joey Coco Diaz, ladies and gentlemen.

[3344] Stay black, baby.

[3345] Brian Redband Reichel.

[3346] Actually, it's his way.

[3347] No, there we go.

[3348] I can't get to you.

[3349] Thanks, everybody.

[3350] We'll see you next week or tomorrow.

[3351] Later.