#1401 - Iliza Shlesinger

[0] And the first sound is a slurp.

[1] Hello, Eliza.

[2] It's a cozy morning.

[3] What's going on, my friend?

[4] It is kind of cozy, right?

[5] For California, it's like a little chill in the air.

[6] Makes you feel like there's real weather here.

[7] It does.

[8] Like, we're in a normal place.

[9] Yeah, normal place.

[10] With normal people.

[11] Like, where things change.

[12] Like, you get a winter, in a summer, in a spring.

[13] We get a slight chill and we're like, ooh, I get it's real.

[14] With the season changing, though, nobody ages.

[15] Like, it's still that perennial somewhere between 20 to 45 -year -old.

[16] Nobody ages.

[17] What do you mean?

[18] Everybody in LA, like there's like this nebulous age where it's like behavior wise and everything.

[19] Like you're somewhere between 25 and 45.

[20] And then on either side of that, you're too old or too young.

[21] But like everybody is this kind of like just you can act like a child here.

[22] That's an interesting observation.

[23] It's totally true, right?

[24] Because they don't have the responsibility of having to like shovel snow and prepare for the winter and get up and scrape your windshield because there's ice on it.

[25] Or prepare for life.

[26] Like, you could be, like, a 45 -year -old dude, and you're like, I do improv, and I have a roommate, and girls are like awesome.

[27] Totally.

[28] Really?

[29] What girls?

[30] None that I know.

[31] But.

[32] Yeah, none of you're going out with.

[33] Someone's fucking.

[34] Do you think so?

[35] Other girls that are like that.

[36] That's what, who's fucking other people that, there's like a, there's a, you know, there's certain people that we know, okay, let's not even say we know, that we've run into in our life that are on this show business path and they are fucked.

[37] and you know they're like a stampeding herd of buffalo that are headed for a cliff and there's no way out you're not good you're either going to get some kind of a job and you're going to be bitter and angry or you're just going to keep doing this forever and it's never going to happen.

[38] I feel like with comedy in particular it's one of those careers where it's not even you fail upward you just fail laterally like comedy is one of those things where you can kind of just continue to exist in and around it despite actual talent.

[39] We all know the comics where it's like, you're not dead yet?

[40] They're like, no, I'm writing ads that go on the back of tickets.

[41] I'm writing commercial parodies for like comedy .net.

[42] Like just existing in subdivisions of the realm of comedy.

[43] And they think that they're in the game, but really they're in the parking lot.

[44] Well, then there's a weird ones that come to the store and they come to the improv and they hang out.

[45] But they don't really go up ever.

[46] I don't understand that The myth of the hang The idea is that you would be hanging If you don't know anyone You want to meet some new friends Or your friends are there But I see people that just Bob and weave And I'm like And they act like they're looking for someone I'm like there's no one there You're just here hoping someone talks to you But you've been doing this for so long Go home, write something Yeah, but it's not going to happen Comic is one of those things I feel like you could learn how to play music Someone can teach you how to move your fingers in the right direction i mean you might never be jimmy hendricks you might never be some virtuoso who's like stands out but you might get good at music if you could put the practice in you could learn the math of it comedy's not that uh my college emerson college offers now offers shout out to boston shout out who offers a comedy major and good luck with that right i'm like you're either funny or you're not and you can learn what makes a script funny and you can learn about timing and things but you have it innately or you don't yeah i firmly believe that i do too and uh the amount of people you know you can't tell someone but there are plenty of people who aren't naturally funny that make a huge career out of things you know because someone else unfunny finds them funny but it's one of those things where i'm not going to be the one to tell you to give up on your dream like that's not my position to tell someone that but you're constantly surrounded by these like it's almost like this walking dead of unfuny like they're just at the shows and They're just there for decades of your life.

[47] Yeah, it's hard.

[48] Sometimes they'll ask me to get on the podcast, too.

[49] I'd be like, what, what are you saying?

[50] What do you say?

[51] I don't know.

[52] You say no. You're very good.

[53] I remember watching you.

[54] I've told you this before.

[55] We were at the store one time, and there's this, because you're so alpha, like a proper, and I say this to you every time I see you, like a proper definition of one.

[56] And I think that, like a real alpha male doesn't seek to disempower, doesn't seek to make anybody else feel bad.

[57] like you're just like this is what I do and I set my boundaries and we were in that back outside bar where only comics are allowed and this guy walked up to you do you remember this and he was a little bit in your space harmless he was like oh jo can I get a picture and you firm you were like you cannot be back here you've got to go well I saw him weasel through he came from the show and then went through the back kitchen area and then went to it's happened a few times where people know that we hang out back there because we talk about it on the podcast we go back there to smoke and then all sudden they'll be like me and, you know, Callan or whoever in you, and comics, just talking about sets.

[58] Like, are you doing Tripoli show?

[59] Like, what's going on?

[60] Not cool stuff, folks.

[61] And then all of a sudden, someone's right here.

[62] Like, hey, man, hey, what's up?

[63] Hey, dude, can I get a picture?

[64] You're like, you're not supposed to be back?

[65] It's a sign.

[66] You said that.

[67] I don't know that.

[68] It's like we all, I put my foot down for certain things.

[69] And, of course, as you get older, you get better about it.

[70] But I straight up, I don't know that I could say that to someone.

[71] I allow people in my space.

[72] And I'm like, you kind of just tolerate it.

[73] you never know and there is that fear like what is this person but you were very like you can't be here and the guy was like oh so sorry well i happen to take a picture with somebody but i knew that that guy had gotten into the employees area he he had weasled his way back through yeah i don't yeah but you did that and i remember watching and i was like fuck i don't know that i could do it the problem is with women like men get really fucking creepy men get really shitty with women if a woman says you can't be here You know, who knows?

[74] Who knows what kind of a man you're dealing with?

[75] We can bring, I can, I can speak to that.

[76] Yeah.

[77] And I also remember I was on your podcast forever ago, and I had done this show, and I brought up this thing.

[78] I get a lot of in -cells Instagramming me about this, because this guy came into our group, was a group of women standing outside, and he asked for a lighter.

[79] Oh, yeah, I remember this.

[80] And all of the betas, you got a lot of great fans, but on the fringe ones, they were like, oh, don't ask her for a lighter.

[81] And I'm like, tell you what, when someone bigger and stronger, than you that has the ability to hurt you, comes into your personal space, not really wanting a lighter, wanting something else, and your sensors go off, make sure that you stay silent, see how great you feel.

[82] I don't think there's any respect for the idea that, like, sometimes you feel scared, and it's not like a cry wolf thing.

[83] Like, I'm a tough chick.

[84] I don't walk around, like, afraid, but every once in a while.

[85] Show me some knuckles.

[86] Tough chick.

[87] They're all bloated from vodka last night.

[88] It's like, yeah.

[89] There's a thing, like, someone can do it the right way.

[90] Like someone could say, excuse me, do any of you ladies have a lighter?

[91] Easily.

[92] And then he's like, no, sorry, we don't smoke.

[93] Okay, cool, thank you.

[94] But I've had it happen where somebody, they put their energy and they're like, who has a lighter?

[95] And you're like, I don't think what you want is a lighter.

[96] And I stand by that decision.

[97] It's all context.

[98] I think so.

[99] But so it's a technicality.

[100] Right.

[101] And it's like, okay.

[102] So if you want to have white power night at the Laugh Factory, you just have to cut Jamie a check.

[103] So we're going to take over the place.

[104] I think my biggest issue would be cutting Jamie a check.

[105] check I do it But I also You know Listen we have White Power night Love to have you in But you're not white power White Power open mic night There are no jokes Everyone is fully erect Buddy everybody already did Sieg Heil You can't do Sig Heil Have you been banned From there?

[106] No Okay Because I was Yeah I know Yeah But I was your first guest On your podcast That you were doing out of there.

[107] I know.

[108] And you were, and that was so cool of you because it was a podcast.

[109] There was no money in it.

[110] There was, you know, but you were a friend.

[111] Like I didn't get any, like it was a dinky podcast run in the attic of the Laugh factory.

[112] And when you decided to leave the Laugh Factory as a venue for your podcast, you wanted to expand.

[113] Jamie said, buddy, you can no longer do your Sieg Heil in my club.

[114] See, the two Jews.

[115] Yeah.

[116] He yelled at me. and this was four years ago he yelled I was offered my podcast this is an old podcast to run it out of the improv and so I called Jamie and I said I got offered my podcast somewhere else and I'm going to take it there I just wanted to respectfully set up a whole podcast studio Levitity yes they set it up there like come over here we'll get you advertisers we'll produce this because the laugh factory they would put it up but that was it there was no business behind it and I was fine with that I wasn't trying to make money and probably asked me over there I go okay great so man to man I call Jamie I just want to say man man to man man I talked to him like a man whoa I called him up and I said listen fucker no I just said hey I just want to let you know I've been offered to take my podcast somewhere else and I'm going to take that opportunity and I just want to give you the respect of telling you versus just leaving absolutely no problem you are family really and by the way he said no problem that's why this is so insane no problem you are family go ahead I'm making him sound Russian But it's like a weird accent anyway.

[117] So I go.

[118] And keep in mind, I was like the textbook picture employee.

[119] They're like I'm one of three women that performed there regularly at the time, like headlining women.

[120] I baked cookies for the waitresses.

[121] I would bust my hump to get there because there's times where it was written in stone.

[122] Like it's 845.

[123] Can I get 850?

[124] I'm running.

[125] No, this is the time.

[126] Like I was, I never ran the light.

[127] Like, I was really respectful.

[128] And like an hour later, he calls.

[129] me yelling at me. You did not say you are taking your podcast to levity, which is the governing for those of you know, the body that owns a lot of the improvs and they're a huge thing.

[130] But you told me you're going to the improv.

[131] I just said I'm taking it elsewhere.

[132] It didn't occur to me to say it, but it also, Levity's so big.

[133] It's like I didn't even think, oh, it's a competing thing.

[134] I think of the factory is a couple of clubs and Levity's more of like an enterprise.

[135] Yeah.

[136] Plus, I don't play one of factory clubs.

[137] just yelling at me acting like I did this duplicitous thing and he hangs up on me hangs up on me grown man and I go on the website that night my name is taken down off all the shows I'm pretty sure he removed my face from that mosaic of comics outside I am persona non grata and so did I ever tell you the conclusion of this no it really hurt my feelings and I'm the kind of person if you shut a door in my face I will nail it closed and I call the Laugh Factory and all the girls that are working there and I said why didn't anyone like we're all cool like did no one even stand up for me like I didn't really do anything wrong and this one girl goes you know he's just really stressed a lot of people are leaving the production office so I think he's stressed because a lot of employees are leaving and I go who's left and she said this one girl who doesn't matter the name said this one girl and I go okay give me her number and I called her and I said hi it's Eliza because she worked on my podcast and I was like I will give you X amount of money if you walk out of the Laugh Factory today and come work for me and it was like a chunk of cash and I was like I need the answer by noon I'll be at King's Road Cafe there was no reason to put a clock on it I was just feeling really he put a power move down and that's who's sitting in our lobby now she's been my assistant for four years I rescued her she's my angel and my heartbeat and only recently were they like she can come back because my face is on the side of the fucking building oh you can come back now do you come back I went I did one show back.

[138] Did you?

[139] Did you see Jamie?

[140] No. I said, I go, he doesn't need to apologize, but I'm walking in with my head held high and I'm doing my set.

[141] I'm not like, everybody was super cool.

[142] He's not there because he farms it out now to other bookers.

[143] Yeah.

[144] Did he put your video up on YouTube?

[145] Did he film your set without your knowledge?

[146] I told Brian Monarch, I go, I'm going, because I'm doing another show there too.

[147] I go, I'm going, if you film me, I will have a Kramer moment.

[148] Like I will flip out on you.

[149] in an epic way like it is it is a non -negotiable thing so they said no I talk to Bill about this he goes nah they don't do that if you ask them they don't put your video up I go yeah I go look for your videos we're in the fucking green room of the ice house and he goes what the fuck he sees videos on YouTube it's like old comedy too well it doesn't matter I mean Chappelle that's one of the reason why Chappelle won't go there he went there just to work out and this is when he was not doing shows and not doing special and they put all his shit online.

[150] No, no asking him, no nothing.

[151] I think that they, I think they've got, like, new management there, whatever, but, like, it's...

[152] It trickled down from the top.

[153] Oh, for sure.

[154] There's no way anybody's, like, just recording people on their own and putting it on the fucking internet.

[155] No, they know that it's not cool, and they're doing it anyway.

[156] I also, yeah, it's...

[157] For people don't know, like, how comedy works, we need to work out.

[158] Like, if Eliza comes up with a bit tonight and...

[159] and works on it tonight, that's, if someone records it and films it and puts it online, that bit's fucked, because that bit's not done.

[160] That bit's a baby.

[161] You're being judged on that bit.

[162] It would be like anything if you were an athlete and you went to a workout and they're like, well, you can't make the team.

[163] You're like, well, I'm still working out.

[164] I'm not, I'm going to get bigger.

[165] It's not even just that.

[166] It's like eating a half -baked cake.

[167] It's, yeah, it's just, and the premise is cooked.

[168] Like, you fuck the premise up.

[169] It's now it's like it's out there.

[170] Yeah.

[171] It's tricky because we rely on live audience.

[172] audiences.

[173] And, you know, thankfully, most, the vast majority of people that come to comedy clubs, particularly in LA, are really cool.

[174] Like, we have no problems with this.

[175] It's not an issue.

[176] But this is a thing that we need, you know, we need, and because everyone has a recording device now, it needs to be, like, difficult to bring a recording device into a comedy club.

[177] Now, everyone has them by default on their phone.

[178] My favorite thing is, I understand if you're Dave Chappelle, and you're like, I need your phone zipped up because this is, you know, sacred material and these are, you know, we all have our material that we need to make money off with some comics are bigger than others.

[179] My favorite is one shitty comics.

[180] Or like, we need your phones taken away.

[181] I'm like, nobody's checking for your act.

[182] Like, nobody's taking your act.

[183] Unless you say something stupid.

[184] Yeah, there's that.

[185] Then they'll try to ruin your career with it.

[186] Should be a social contract.

[187] The improv does that with every show.

[188] I love that.

[189] And by the way, I'm there this Friday night, 1030.

[190] Just announced it.

[191] Just put it up online.

[192] I'm also there this week, but I don't have my phone with me. Shit.

[193] I'm just doing 15 minutes.

[194] Oh, shit.

[195] But I, that to me, I think it slows it down at the improv.

[196] Yeah, does.

[197] I've never been worried about that.

[198] But it also makes people more aware.

[199] They're just not checking their goddamn phone all the time.

[200] One of my favorite shows that I ever did when I was doing that, when I was, when I prepared for my Netflix special, the last couple months before I did all my shows with these phone bags.

[201] It gets to be a pain in the ass, especially when you're doing giant places.

[202] But in Miami is the best because Miami, everyone is doing Coke and no one is paying attention to any.

[203] anything, and they're all looking at their phones constantly.

[204] So you could use your phone, but you had to leave the building to use your phone.

[205] So everyone was getting up and going out and coming down and coming in.

[206] So during the show, it was just constant people coming in and sitting down.

[207] The only place, at all the places I did, Miami was the only place where people were constantly getting up and sitting down.

[208] Not even aware that, like, you're doing a performance.

[209] They're like, we don't care.

[210] Well, Miami's just crazy.

[211] It's its own thing.

[212] Yeah, it's another country.

[213] It really is.

[214] It's wild.

[215] It's fun.

[216] It's great place to visit.

[217] I love Miami.

[218] I love the food.

[219] I love the people.

[220] I love the attitude down there.

[221] But it's just, it's not the best place to perform.

[222] You said that to me in an airport once.

[223] I remember everything you say.

[224] You said that to me. Now I feel bad for feeding it.

[225] But we were in an airport and you were going to Miami.

[226] I was going somewhere else and you were like, if you, like, something like, if you want to starve to open a library.

[227] Open a bookstore.

[228] Open a bookstore.

[229] Because I remember thinking, well, no one makes money of a library.

[230] Open a book store.

[231] You said that.

[232] And I always remembered.

[233] said that.

[234] I've only played Miami proper once.

[235] But I always play like Fort Lauderdale and all the things around it.

[236] I used to do the improv with Joey Diaz.

[237] We used to go down and do that improv down there at Coconut Grove.

[238] Holy shit.

[239] It was a battleground.

[240] All the Florida clubs.

[241] And I love Joel Bashkoff with all of my heart.

[242] Some of these like West Palm Beach, I'm there five sold -out shows for Valentine's Day.

[243] Nobody's laughing.

[244] I'm like, why did you come?

[245] Like this tickets cost you.

[246] And it's just, and then people are like, oh, we did love it.

[247] It's the weirdest you're pulling from the polar ends of every demographic to comprise a Florida audience.

[248] Well, they all escape to Florida from somewhere else.

[249] The people that are born and raised there are like, whoa.

[250] That being said, Tampa and Orlando, fucking fire.

[251] Like, awesome.

[252] Hmm.

[253] I wonder why that is.

[254] Maybe it's a coastal thing.

[255] Orlando is a lot of people visiting, too.

[256] Yeah.

[257] Orlando is like Disneyland, Universal.

[258] Like, that's a giant part of Orlando is people that are visiting.

[259] Yeah.

[260] And I always like Tampa.

[261] It was always.

[262] cool.

[263] I remember playing the Jacksonville Comedy Zone.

[264] I like West Palm.

[265] I've always had a good time of West Palm.

[266] I had a good time because I made a lot of money and everybody was nice, but I remember thinking like, this is like blood from a stone.

[267] Really?

[268] And it was like Valentine's Day weekend.

[269] I mean it's a bunch of dudes who get dragged there by their fucking wives.

[270] It's a I always make that joke.

[271] You're never in the room or it'll be in the main room and there's always dudes.

[272] You can tell the dudes that are there for Mark Marin and the dudes that are there for Rogan because there's like It's just a different, there's two different types of dudes.

[273] And I always make a joke.

[274] Like if something doesn't want, I'm like, I'm like, every guy's like, yeah, where's Rogan?

[275] That's why I showed up.

[276] What's she doing here?

[277] Where's Rogan?

[278] And they always laugh.

[279] Because they're like friendly apes, right?

[280] They're friendly apes.

[281] But you can tell the guys that are there for you.

[282] The guys are there for Marin, you can tell it because they're by themselves.

[283] I was going to say they're all in flannel.

[284] Someone told me they had, he had like the highest number ever of single tickets sold.

[285] Oh, funny.

[286] In all these different venues?

[287] I always encourage...

[288] By the way, I like Mark.

[289] Of course you do.

[290] I love...

[291] We're both in a movie coming out together.

[292] Oh, yeah?

[293] What is it?

[294] It's called Wonderland.

[295] It's a Mark Wahlberg, Winston Duke, Peter Berg movie.

[296] I feel like you and Peter Berg are friends.

[297] I like that guy, yeah.

[298] Yeah, you guys are the same vibration.

[299] And we're in a movie together, and he plays a reporter, and I play...

[300] Love interest, I'm reticent to say, but...

[301] He was great in the Joker.

[302] He's great.

[303] You're that Joker movies.

[304] I always encourage people.

[305] They're always like, you know, you get a DM, like, I don't want to go to your show alone.

[306] I'm like, come alone.

[307] It's a dark room.

[308] Nobody's going to ever make fun.

[309] And you make, at least at my shows, you make friends.

[310] Yeah.

[311] Because everybody wants to feel good.

[312] It's okay.

[313] Bring your dog.

[314] Come alone.

[315] I've talked to people like that too.

[316] Is it lame to come to your show alone?

[317] Just come, man. Who cares?

[318] Go to the movies by yourself.

[319] Yeah.

[320] The cool thing about groups are people going to see things is that you're feeding off the vibe of all the people there.

[321] It's not just the people you came with.

[322] Yeah.

[323] It's not virtual reality.

[324] You're with people.

[325] It's an experience and you're there.

[326] And by the way, how bad of a comic am I if people are noticing an audience member alone?

[327] Yeah.

[328] Like, if that's the focus.

[329] Well, the only problem would be, like, a place like the store, they'd have to sit somebody at your table because every place is like a two -top or a three.

[330] But then it looks like you're with them.

[331] That's right.

[332] And when I come to pick on you, then we'll know.

[333] Yeah, then we'll know.

[334] Then it'll be a show.

[335] The ones by themselves, they always seat them.

[336] I don't know if they asked for it in the OR.

[337] They always seat them in the front.

[338] So I was like, I'm just here alone.

[339] I'm like, that's cool, but it's weird.

[340] You're right in the front.

[341] Well, that's because it's easy to do.

[342] right because it's not a table it's a bar you know the front yeah the front part it's like just a long line a large table yeah yeah it's not it doesn't like you're next to someone you could easily be right next to someone you have no idea who they are i can always tell where the line is i'm like i can tell who's together like shapes go with different shapes and you can tell like where that line is i'm like you're a school shooter you're sitting alone these two are together so yeah the OR is the fucking ultimate university for comedy you learn so much about whether your axe sucks or where your axe at like whether or not it's getting better where you know it's it's such a we're so lucky i think about that sometimes like when i think about living somewhere else because i do want to live somewhere else and i probably will never totally live somewhere else i'll probably keep a place here always because i feel like there's something about being able to go to the store it's so goddamn powerful it's like we're so fortunate that we all work together you know and an end any given show it would be you and me and Delia and Whitney and Joey Diaz and Callan and it's like fucking God damn we're so lucky yes it's we're so fucking lucky it's always like a thick like there's always on the lineup there's always like a dense murderous chunk yeah and I think to myself like wow I'm so proud to post these lineups because these are the people that comic these are the comics that people want to see like this is special for them and that's this dangerous weird energy places are home and other comics you know people are very intimidated by the store which i totally get because there's a dark energy there but i always feel like i'm part of the adams family i'm like yeah but that dark castle is my home yeah well it's a tight -knit group of humans you know we're all real close to each other in a weird way in a weird way but i've never like i'll never go to brian callan's house like i don't know where you live like not never but like we're close right And I love seeing you guys, but like, but outside of that for some of us.

[343] I mean, I think it just depends.

[344] Yeah, I think we spend enough time with each other at the fucking store.

[345] I get excited.

[346] I go on the road with a lot of guys, you know, so that's different.

[347] Because when you're on the road together, you're really like family.

[348] You know, like if I'm on the road with Diaz or Ari or Hinchcliff or any of those guys, like, you know, we eat together.

[349] We work out together.

[350] We're just bullshitting together.

[351] We're walking to the mall together and hanging out.

[352] Like, it's all, we're together all day.

[353] And you have systems in place.

[354] there's like a comfort you bring you bring your friends because there's a trust there there's a short hand my features Hunter Hill do you know Hunter?

[355] No I don't He's huge and he's so funny and it's like I'm so proud to be able to be at a place in my career where I can foster bring another comic and watch them grow and I'm so proud of him and to get to share my audience with him like that's part of being an established comic that joy it's like having like a child like of giving them these opportunities and to show them you also have this opportunity to show other comics the right way to tour and the right way to treat a comedy club waitress and the right way to speak to your tour like there's so many shitty comics out there that do things wrong and I very early on decided like these are the rules that I want to tour with and this is how I want to treat people and you pass that on other comics learn from older comics yeah that's the only way we learned about everything really right we've been talking about this a lot lately that there's nothing written down by people like us by like legitimate established comedians with specials who headline all over the country in the world there's nothing written down by us because there's no rules it's all so fluid but even that just that fact you know like i i feel like there's there's a book out there that should be written and it should probably be done by us where we kind of just talk about how everyone has a different process everyone's got a different way of doing it because Young comics, I mean, it takes a long, there's a lot of, like, wasted energy trying to figure out how to do it.

[356] And no one can really figure out how to do it themselves until they just have experience and do it.

[357] But I want to know how you write.

[358] I want to know how you, what do you do when you have a premise?

[359] Like, how do you do it different than Delia does it?

[360] Do you do it different than Diaz does?

[361] How does Bill start his set?

[362] Right.

[363] When he throws away all his material because he just filmed a special.

[364] Right.

[365] And he's starting, how does he start new?

[366] You know, what do you do?

[367] And also, by the way, you can read all about the people that read about comedy and then think that's the way to do it.

[368] You won't know till you go.

[369] Right.

[370] And that's why when I, you know, I had somebody reach out to me recently.

[371] They're like, I'm getting up pretty regularly, getting laughs pretty regularly.

[372] I'm like, the key is pretty regularly.

[373] It has to be regularly.

[374] Yeah, what is pretty regularly.

[375] Right.

[376] And I'm like, this is a commitment.

[377] This is a craft.

[378] This is a passion.

[379] This isn't a hobby.

[380] If you want to be a hobby, you're going to get hobbyist results, you know?

[381] That's a good way to put that.

[382] And so you've got to put everything in because it's the only way.

[383] way you know how to operate.

[384] But just because I write a certain way, it doesn't mean that works for you.

[385] Like, I don't write anything down.

[386] Some people, I remember one comic had a recipe box of jokes and he would go through and each one was categorized.

[387] Is that insane?

[388] For sure.

[389] Was he good?

[390] No. But everybody's got their way that they do it.

[391] And if it works, it works.

[392] Yeah.

[393] It's not, you know, you can't knock it.

[394] Yeah, I think that everyone has their own way for sure.

[395] And I think you can learn from other people's ways.

[396] ways and maybe try them out and also you got to realize like someone like you has been doing it forever and doesn't write anything down that's very different than someone who's just starting out who doesn't write anything down like you should probably write some shit down yeah a couple keywords yeah something yeah and record your sets fuck but it's the thing about it is that there's the consequences like if you really want to make it as a comic you must literally dedicate your life to it particularly in the beginning like you have to i was talking about this yesterday the other day I was like, because so many people do comedy now, even less did it when you started and not, you know, and so many people do it now, and there's so many avenues for comedy, so many different ways you can do it, so many more opportunities.

[397] I really give the people that do it now that are starting now credit because if I were, if I just decided I want to start comedy now, it would seem insurmountable, just how intimidating it is, getting in everybody's in UCB, everybody to stand up, everybody.

[398] I feel that way about podcasting.

[399] too, though.

[400] You know, I always tell people to do podcasts.

[401] I'm like, just fucking do it.

[402] If you can figure out how to do it, it's an amazing way to make a living.

[403] So many people can do it.

[404] It's like anything else, like comedy, like anything else.

[405] You just start it and do it, but there's so many people doing it now.

[406] I mean, the numbers are fucking astonishing.

[407] There's no litmus test for like what's a decent.

[408] But if you're good, I really feel like even though there's a 700 ,000 podcast, if you have something that's unique and interesting and you build people will find it people find it the cream rises at the top and that's with comedy too you know go do your set don't blame anyone else put in the work there's nobody out there who's fucking awesome that isn't making steps toward being better undeniable yes yeah there's nobody out there that's like a brilliant comic and it's like yeah nobody will give me stage time it's been that way for a decade if you are good people will support you a lot of people won't but you have to just move in that direction and even if you are that shitty comic that we were talking about at the beginning like don't let us be the ones to tell you know don't you feel like in this day and age though comics are way more supportive of each other than when you started yeah and i'm at a different level now so i don't it's weird i was thinking about the comic store when you start there you're like a freshman and now you can become an upperclassman and the upper classmen stay upperclassman like you were an upperclassman when i started but now i'm also an upperclassman and these people go from being people you look up to being your colleagues and among successful comics it's less cutthroat you know and I think because of the pendulum shift in our society people are a little bit kinder or whatever but all that toxic energy that was at the store in particular and in comedy I remember when I started kind of flushed out not really tolerated as much oh it's gone it's 100 % gone there's no there's no like we've got a lady doorman yeah it's a crazy place now and Adam I think to his credit kind of is responsible for a chunk of that shift.

[409] 100%.

[410] And I think the resurgence of our audience is, I would say in large part, due to you and your podcast, and Marin and his podcast.

[411] Brett Ernst said this to me a while ago, and I agreed with it.

[412] He was like, podcast.

[413] People hear it, and they come to the store, and it's become more of a destination.

[414] Because for a while, like, the store was like, whatever.

[415] Well, there was a prelude to that when Pauly Shore had a show.

[416] Remember he had, minding the store?

[417] I was in high school.

[418] Yeah.

[419] Well, when he had minding the store, I was at the store, and I remember there was a giant crowd in the front bar and I was like what is going on and Polly was out there and people were like well the show minding the store has really jumped up the amount of people coming it didn't last you know the show didn't last either but there was an impact and I remember the impact I remember going oh that's crazy yeah look how many people watch this show like all of a sudden the comedy store became like this destination but now when you think about podcasts like this one that was going to be heard and seen by millions of people and the other ones that that we've done have also been.

[420] And then the other, you know, we've done fucking how many comics on podcasts, like hundreds of them.

[421] All those are like a free advertisement for the greatest spot on earth for stand -up.

[422] Yeah, and you get to say your spots and people come and they just want to be part of it.

[423] I was in a, like, a novelty store in Sweden.

[424] I was buying like a plate with like a cartoon chicken on it and this really cute guy.

[425] Because I like little things.

[426] It was like, I got it from my assistant.

[427] It had like a, just some, like a chachky.

[428] Right.

[429] And the guy who obviously, like it wasn't his dream job, I was just like a dude and I was talking and he was like I've heard you on Joe Rogan and I was like I'm in Sweden in like a girly plate shop and here's this dude who probably like fucking loves MMA and you and recognize my voice across the world in like the weirdest little plate store and I was like that's the power of comedy like it reaches that far and you get to tour like I got to go on tour I got to go to Malaysia to do comedy what was that like fucking lit like they were I to me I did this whole Asia tour.

[430] And I was like, Malaysia is of all the countries I did because I did Hong Kong and I did Japan and there was one more.

[431] I'm blanking on it.

[432] Oh, Singapore.

[433] And of all of them, I had not been to Malaysia.

[434] I'd been to the others and I had less context for Malaysia.

[435] I knew some of my clothing was made there and I knew that we ship a lot of our recycling there or try to.

[436] But I had no context.

[437] And it's interesting because you're there and everyone is in a hijab and they're Asian.

[438] So that's like, you don't see that at time.

[439] Yeah, because they're all Muslim.

[440] Muslim Asians And they look like Asian Like Japanese or Chinese Yeah like Asian Wow And they were Just the crowd was on fire Really?

[441] I thought it was gonna be super conservative and weird I made fun of the Chinese a little bit They were like yes And they just went nuts And they were awesome And I just remember thinking like And some people are expats But a lot of them were just full on Malaysian And it's all because of Netflix And I was like that's It's so special to have your comedy I'm gonna go tour in Russia like places that you have no real context for are feeling your heart and they're understanding what you're saying and it's resonating with people that are nothing like you're going to tour in Russia yeah whoa that's heavy I'm going to Europe like it's just cool and then they know other comics like they know who you are they know who other people and it's just it's this secret it's this language it this community that where you and I are members of and people all want to be part of it right because people want to feel seen and heard and that comedy validates that we weird voice in your head and it lets you know that you're not alone and for so many people that feel alone it's so powerful to feel like you're being seen and that somebody understands you and that's why it's so important to have so many different kinds of comedy different shapes and colors just so people can choose who they resonate with right i'm never going to be able to reach everyone and that's okay yeah of course touring in uh rush is going to be a trip shultz just did that i'm going to ask bert Kreischer for tips did did bert work over there well No, but the whole machine thing.

[442] Yeah.

[443] Yeah.

[444] He'll tell you how to get drunk on a train.

[445] I could tell you how to get drunk anywhere.

[446] I got a letter today.

[447] I'm going to Vietnam and it was in bold.

[448] And I've been to Vietnam before like for funzies, but it was in bold and it was like this like written out like imprisonment will be issued.

[449] There will be no jokes about do not mention Vietnam War, Vietnam, like all these things.

[450] What?

[451] And I legit was like, I do mention the Vietnam War.

[452] So just please remind me day before not to have that one joke.

[453] It's not a joke about the Vietnam War.

[454] It's in there as part of the setup.

[455] But some countries, like you do military shows.

[456] They have like a no burden list.

[457] Like you can't.

[458] There's certain things you can't say.

[459] You know when you do a military show.

[460] You can't make like drug jokes.

[461] Please don't make fun of the president.

[462] Which I get.

[463] And some countries are like no fucking joke.

[464] Do not say it.

[465] Like you're dead.

[466] So they wouldn't let you joke about Vietnam.

[467] You can't say sorry.

[468] Sorry about all that.

[469] I feel like I could.

[470] But then like try explaining context to someone that just wants you in jail.

[471] Yeah.

[472] I was going to China.

[473] Yeah, I did Hong Kong, and I had Beijing, and they canceled it to honor, so random, the Tiananmen Square massacre, which, of course, should have been honored prior, but it wasn't.

[474] And they canceled all comedy, not that there was a ton across the land.

[475] And so, but they, they canceled all comedy.

[476] And it's just the thing where we're very lucky in this country.

[477] You can say whatever you want, your rights end at your neighbor's nose, but we, that freedom is totally not to be taken for granted.

[478] And other countries are aware of our freedom, too, and I wonder how long they're going to keep the bullshit up in places like China.

[479] I wonder how long they're going to be able to do that.

[480] Because, like, you see what's happening in Hong Kong where Hong Kong is rebelling against the Chinese rule.

[481] When those protests were happening, we had to move the hotel because it was like in this, like, civic area.

[482] Whoa.

[483] I think it was like on Calum Bay or something.

[484] And I'll be a thousand percent honest, it was so congested and busy there.

[485] But if I didn't know there were protests going on, I wouldn't have known.

[486] It was.

[487] And now it's probably grown.

[488] lot but I mean it's ongoing those people they got a message and they're not backing down they're not backing down what's incredible is it's been going on for months and months and months it's like a new activity people are just in the streets but a lot of people have been shot on video you know by cops and we just watch it I mean and it's like it just happens and it's not a big deal it's insane but we definitely have these social liberties and and I don't take it for granted and some of these countries and then part of me is like okay some venues are big some venues are small if I make a joke that you don't like, is that going to be run up the flagpole?

[489] I don't want to take the chance.

[490] I know.

[491] It's so interesting.

[492] We're at such a strange tipping point culturally in this country and then worldwide.

[493] You know, England just had their big elections.

[494] Jeremy Corbyn lost, but he did a video where he was saying how he's running for president or whatever it is, prime minister.

[495] What is it over there?

[496] Prime minister.

[497] Yeah.

[498] I'm watching the crown.

[499] He said his fucking pronouns.

[500] He said, My pronouns are him, he.

[501] Okay, can I just put this out there?

[502] I'm super pro trans.

[503] I'm pro fluid sexuality.

[504] If you are a straight male, we know your fucking pronouns are him, he.

[505] Well, even if you're a gay male, if you're a gay male, your pronouns could be he, him, too.

[506] If your pronouns are something are what it looks like you are, I don't think you need to.

[507] To me, that feels very white nighty.

[508] He has a hundred percent white knighty.

[509] It was very cringy, and I think a lot of people like, There's, like, some borderline people are like, fuck this guy with this he, him, shit.

[510] Your pronouns.

[511] You want to say him, they, Z, whatever?

[512] Great.

[513] He him when you're he him.

[514] Everybody, you know.

[515] It's just such a thing, a ploy.

[516] You know, my pronouns are he, him.

[517] Oh, no, you didn't.

[518] You fuck, you're 60 years old.

[519] Because what it does, it gets other, it's such a valid thing for other people.

[520] And then it makes people eye roll just a little bit.

[521] And then I think it takes away from the plight, the genuine cause.

[522] of the trans community Yeah Which fully supportive of Yeah if you want to be called she or her Fine I identify I'm not down with the made up words The made up words can all go fuck themselves The Zer and Ziegs Well also you wouldn't know Unless someone told you Like don't get mad at me for not innately knowing That I should have said You should have asked You should have asked the pronouns No you gotta tell me No no you have to ask That's the new rule You must comply I'm really bad at asking questions Like someone will be like how's your day I'm like great and I talk and I always have to remind myself like and how was your boring day Because there's no punchlines in this answer People ask man I always assume they're just interested And then I realize they're making small talk I should ask I should return the fire But I don't know ear beatings are the worst When someone comes over and just starts rattling off About how their day was and there's nothing there Nothing And then I went to try to find a lighter But you know how hard it is to find a lighter And then I went to this door there was no lighter and I was like, do you know where I can get a lighter?

[523] Here's the other day, somebody was talking to me and the words came out like a burp.

[524] I couldn't stop it.

[525] I just went, stop telling me, stop talking.

[526] So you can do what I did to that guy.

[527] I was very comfortable with that person.

[528] Stop talking.

[529] Oh, you were comfortable.

[530] Wasn't a stranger.

[531] That's the difference.

[532] Sometimes you've got to give people a minute.

[533] They're not as verbally accurate.

[534] But yeah.

[535] But yeah.

[536] As we both.

[537] Yeah.

[538] So Malaysia is, where is it on the map?

[539] What's it near?

[540] Next to Singapore.

[541] It's like Singapore's younger, I guess Singapore is the younger brother.

[542] Singapore has a lot of expats, right?

[543] A lot of expats.

[544] A lot of money.

[545] It's very sterile.

[546] Like, it's not like a party, but they have a lot of money.

[547] There's crazy laws there, right?

[548] If you fuck up, they can you.

[549] Remember the kid?

[550] That was our introduction to Singapore as white America.

[551] That kid's got scars on his ass to this day.

[552] Well, here's a fucking rule.

[553] Don't go to another country and break their law and think it's.

[554] cool because you're American.

[555] Like, I have such a healthy respect as a proud American.

[556] I always want to represent well.

[557] Talk about it my acts.

[558] I'm not going to do the bit.

[559] But I really am cognizant to the fact that people in many cases look up to us and or are jealous of us.

[560] And like with anybody, if you give them a reason to be like, what an American pig.

[561] And I don't.

[562] I will always show you that we are as good as we think we are.

[563] That's what I always say about Hawaii.

[564] Like people say, oh, if you go to Hawaii, they don't like white people.

[565] I go, no, they don't like assholes.

[566] They don't like assholes.

[567] Don't litter.

[568] Hawaii is one of the nicest places ever.

[569] Do they have a problem with some white people that come over there and act like assholes?

[570] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[571] But like the general, like, you're going to find racist everywhere.

[572] Racist against black people, racist against Hawaiian, racist against white people, racist against Asians.

[573] You're going to find that.

[574] There's certain people that are just, they don't like others, right?

[575] That's it.

[576] It's just how it is.

[577] But for the most part, Hawaii is cool as fuck.

[578] They just want you to respect their land.

[579] the way that they do.

[580] And I get it.

[581] It's funny because my mom, anything, I'm like, I'm going to these countries.

[582] She's like, don't walk around alone.

[583] You're Jewish.

[584] Be careful in Europe.

[585] You're Jewish.

[586] By the way, like, anti -Semitism is rampant, alive, and well and horrific.

[587] You don't look Jewish, though.

[588] You can pull it off.

[589] You don't look anti -Semitic.

[590] Like, what does that mean?

[591] You have a tiny little nose?

[592] Well, I paid for it.

[593] What was it like before you got it walked?

[594] Huge!

[595] No, it was just different.

[596] It was like, you know.

[597] You miss it ever?

[598] My dad calls it.

[599] it the Chinsky hook.

[600] Everyone in my family has this nose.

[601] My nana, whose last name was Chinsky.

[602] And it's just, my dad has it.

[603] It looks great on a dude.

[604] Not my favorite thing.

[605] Like on a dude.

[606] Dudes can have fucked up noses and it's kind of noble.

[607] So my husband has like a big nose, right?

[608] Because he's like, half Italian.

[609] He's a handsome fellow.

[610] He loves you.

[611] I love him too.

[612] Half a Jewish.

[613] And I said to him, because I'm like, this isn't my nose.

[614] And if we have a baby, I'm like, and it's a girl and she's got that nose, she better be fucking great at basketball or brilliant.

[615] Because...

[616] Just get her nose for.

[617] I don't, it would be her choice I would want her to think your nose matches your face Like if I didn't know you got your nose fixed I would yeah Well sometimes too Because I had one You know you'll I look and I can spot one A mile away like a nose job And a lot of people have big noses And they get these scooped out things that don't fit their face Because everybody wants like a cute little Guyish nose And it doesn't fit If you're like if you've got like a long face And you have this scooped out nose Right You can tell Like if Ari got a little nose like yours We'd be like, what in the fuck is going on with your face?

[618] If any dude had a little elephant nose, but I have a small head, I have small mouth.

[619] It's a syndrome.

[620] And I have a tiny nose now.

[621] But, yeah, but that's it.

[622] I think the blonde hair throws people off to.

[623] Does you smell as good as you used to be able to?

[624] Yeah, I have.

[625] Your nose holes are probably smaller, no?

[626] My nostrils were always small.

[627] I had, I got when I was 18, so, like, who remembers anything before that?

[628] Right.

[629] I have keen olfactory senses.

[630] I can smell.

[631] It's like a problem.

[632] Like a wolf?

[633] Like, if you had a cigarette yesterday, I would be able to tell you now.

[634] Really?

[635] I it's a problem it makes it difficult for me like what is that one where people not amb like where people have sense like a loud noises upset them yeah I don't know the word but I know what you're talking about what is it I have that with smells and it's difficult just around people and I'm constantly having I'm constantly like being like just mentally attaching things in places of smells like I'm just having uh not deja vu but I'm always having experience fucking useless until I got it I feel like you've been hitting the nose so much.

[636] That's the problem.

[637] Everybody says they had deviated septum.

[638] I did have a deviated septum.

[639] My nose is actually wider, I think, after the operation, because they stuff some things.

[640] I had to get these turbinates, they're called, cleaned up.

[641] They had to cut the inside of my nose out, and it was also calcified.

[642] Yeah.

[643] Because you know, like, cauliflower ear, you know what that is, when guys get fucked up ears from wrestling?

[644] I squeeze it.

[645] I had that inside my nose.

[646] Oh.

[647] The inside of my nose was all hard with a lot of.

[648] of people that have been hit in the nose.

[649] And like scar tissue.

[650] It just...

[651] It swells.

[652] Well, what it is is when you have blood under the skin, the reason why you get calcium or the cauliflower ear, it's actually, what happens is the blood calcifies.

[653] And the blood actually literally becomes a rock.

[654] Right.

[655] So, like, when you see cauliflower ear, like I've seen guys get their cauliflower ear broken off.

[656] And it falls...

[657] Yeah, there's a video of this guy he loses his cauliflower ear.

[658] See if you can find it, Jamie.

[659] Just Google cauliflower ear falls on that.

[660] the map it's white it's white like a white stone like calcium literally is calcium sure yeah so that was inside my nose so they had to open up my nose well you know with fucking forcips and shit and carve all this stuff out and then they had to shove these molds like these like to form it yeah well it's like a hard like a soft you know dense foam so look at that ear on the ground that is yep that's just but that's just the calcified part that's just the calcified but it's all the skin attached to it's well I bet he was relieved probably but guys like it because it makes them feel like a fucking man well you can spot a fighter I'll see him in airports I mean they're always also in sweatpants and sliders but yeah that is it doesn't go away she fought Jessica I and Jessica I fucked her ear up and to the point where her cauliflower ear broke off and you could see inside of her head like her ear was hanging down you could look into her head it's hard to see from that picture that's not I mean I'm cool you're cool with that I think about how sweaty my ears get in these headphones so I can't imagine being punched in the ear repeatedly.

[661] Well, I always wore headgear.

[662] Always from grappling.

[663] That's why I don't have any cauliflower ear.

[664] Well, so you're not...

[665] Like a little tiny pieces, but nothing...

[666] Do you love it your tiny pieces?

[667] Yeah, to tell everybody.

[668] Check it out bad ass.

[669] Thick ear.

[670] Feel it right there.

[671] My rock hard ear.

[672] Little spot.

[673] A little tiny spot.

[674] Yeah.

[675] A little bitty one.

[676] I always ask if I can squeeze it.

[677] And they always say yes.

[678] And it's never as satisfying as I'd hope it's a rock.

[679] Yeah.

[680] You want to squish it.

[681] It's not cute.

[682] Randy Coutour told me he used to shove it in people's faces.

[683] Like when he was wrestling, he's, get his ear and drive it into people's eye sockets.

[684] Like, that whole thing is a giant rock.

[685] Well, props to him for having the precision in battle to be able to do that along with all the grappling.

[686] He's a savage.

[687] He just had a fucking heart attack.

[688] Well, I'm sorry.

[689] Yeah, it's crazy.

[690] Yeah, I don't know.

[691] Dude's like 55 years old.

[692] He was working out and he was like, I got to go to the doctor.

[693] Just went straight to the doctor.

[694] And they're like, dude, you just had a heart attack.

[695] He's like, I'm so fucking tough.

[696] I didn't even notice.

[697] It's like, I eat my own heart.

[698] I don't have any sports injuries.

[699] I don't think I ever played a sport.

[700] You have no sports injuries at all?

[701] No, I feel like a lot of girls, like, get knee surgery in high school and stuff like that.

[702] Maybe I just wasn't playing hard enough.

[703] You don't have, you never played any sport?

[704] I played sports.

[705] I just don't have any, I played lacrosse.

[706] Oh, you were so white.

[707] So white.

[708] That's so white.

[709] It's such a private school thing.

[710] That's the whitest sport of all time.

[711] I played lacrosse in Texas.

[712] It's a rough sport, though.

[713] Cool.

[714] People don't know.

[715] People crack people with those sticks.

[716] What I lacked in genuine athletic ability, I made up for an aggression.

[717] So there's nothing worse than an athlete that's not good, but they're very aggressive.

[718] Do you think that flavored you as a human?

[719] Maybe.

[720] Yeah.

[721] It wasn't cute.

[722] Well, it's not cute.

[723] Well, I think of girls playing the cross as like hair all over the place and fuck it in this face.

[724] In skirts, yeah.

[725] I got ejected from a game one time so hard that I wasn't allowed to sit with my team.

[726] Like, what's a shade beyond a red card?

[727] Like a black beating heart?

[728] What did you do?

[729] I hit a girl.

[730] With the stick?

[731] Yeah.

[732] With my car In the parking lot I thought I'm in your hand or something No I had my stick And it was unlawful And they made me sit Next to my parents in the stands And it was so humiliating Good for you Yeah I want to pat you on the head Our team was pretty good Fuck those bitches up I played defense though So I wasn't really a part of it I had a buddy in mine That played lacrosse in high school And I remember he was like Tell me I was crazy to fight And I was like What's to stop someone From hitting you with those sticks You guys are running into each other man I go I'm like don't kid yourself.

[733] I'm like, you're doing something violent.

[734] You're just doing something violent under this weird pretend thing.

[735] Yeah, under pretend civility.

[736] Boys get pads and helmets and girls do not.

[737] What the fuck is that all about?

[738] Because girls aren't supposed to hit it.

[739] I mean, it's a physical sport, but boys, it's like football with sticks.

[740] Did you like just pick it up like a baseball bat and crack this chick in the head?

[741] Like, how'd you do it?

[742] So if you put it over your head and come down, that's not okay.

[743] Right.

[744] My nickname was, I think it was like, oh, butcher.

[745] Because my coach was like, You hold your stick and you come down so hard.

[746] Because, you know what?

[747] It comes out on the field and women are not allowed to be aggressive.

[748] It's a thing where it's like on sports day, like, you know, wear a skirt, be ladies represent.

[749] And you got dudes just running around ripping people's heads off, raping villages.

[750] And one girl takes her shirt off at a World Cup game.

[751] Megan Rapino does something that's like, whoa, scandalous.

[752] Well, I just got back from the UFC.

[753] There's three women fights this weekend.

[754] That's a different thing.

[755] Pretty intense.

[756] And that's okay.

[757] But for other sports, it's always expected that women conduct yourselves like ladies.

[758] Right.

[759] And I'm like, that's not, what?

[760] It's sport.

[761] It's nothing to do with the real world.

[762] It has to do it trying to win.

[763] But it also has to, I mean, you violated the rules.

[764] I broke the rules.

[765] Because otherwise, like, if everybody was just swinging at each other, it would be a totally different sport.

[766] I was not great.

[767] And I own that.

[768] What did you do?

[769] Did you just swing it over your head?

[770] I probably just came down.

[771] Like a hammer?

[772] Yeah, like if you have too much, like torque.

[773] built up like I had and I hit and you're not supposed to you know you hit her on the head you can give a tap a tap to get the ball out of the thing I didn't hit her on the head I think I I probably hit her stick so hard I don't remember my friend was telling me people get concussions high school was only like two years ago I'm like how many people you know you've been getting concussions from lacrosse it was like a lot and I was like bro you're in a violent sport it's a violent sport it's a fucking violent sport and it's oddly not a professional sport because I think it would be an exciting professional It's a professional sport.

[774] But it's not.

[775] It's not a widely received one.

[776] You're not going to make any money playing the cross.

[777] It's like bowling.

[778] Right.

[779] It's not a good luck.

[780] But they do have it.

[781] I have a friend that plays professionally and I don't know who's watching it, but they do it.

[782] Right.

[783] But wouldn't you think that it would be like hockey?

[784] Or like rugby?

[785] Yeah.

[786] Rugby should be our football.

[787] That's what I think.

[788] I think it would be better for the athletes, less concussions.

[789] They had less concussions back when they were playing with those little leather helmets and little tiny pads.

[790] Because you just couldn't do what these guys are doing.

[791] You're just smashing into you with your head.

[792] as a battering room.

[793] Gigantic super athletes in their prime running at preposterous speeds with undescribable power.

[794] Yeah.

[795] Those guys are so fucking strong.

[796] When you're around a real professional football player, you're like, Jesus.

[797] Huge.

[798] They look like Brandon Schaub, plus, right?

[799] You know when you're around Schaubb how fucking big he is?

[800] Imagine him plus 60, 70 pounds.

[801] That's these guys.

[802] I get it, Joe.

[803] I've seen football players.

[804] They're so big, it doesn't make sense.

[805] And they're running at each other.

[806] Full clear.

[807] It's terrifying.

[808] It's terrifying.

[809] And it's so bad for your fucking brain.

[810] That being said, I would like to go to a Rams game.

[811] Yeah.

[812] I'd like to see the new stadium.

[813] Yeah, I'd like to go in one of them big bulletproof hamster wheels, you know?

[814] And play?

[815] So nobody could see me. No, so nobody can get at you.

[816] I mean, why don't you just sit in a sky box?

[817] Because people fight.

[818] What are you talking about?

[819] Football games.

[820] Are we talking about two different things?

[821] Rams?

[822] What are you talking about?

[823] You go in the audience, but be in like a bulletproof box.

[824] Why don't you just sit in a sky box?

[825] It is bulletproof.

[826] That's true.

[827] And you could afford it.

[828] Didn't you not down with the people?

[829] You got to get down with the people.

[830] Is that what you want to be with the proletariat?

[831] Well, with a Raiders game, that's how I'd watch a Raiders game.

[832] Oh, boy.

[833] In a bulletproof box.

[834] Stab -proof.

[835] Games have boxes on the field.

[836] Bulletproof boxes?

[837] I don't know about bulletproof, but.

[838] It's just a plexy glass box.

[839] You said Ramble, that was honestly, I was thinking Raiders.

[840] But the Raiders game, if you get, the Raiders are going to Vegas now, right?

[841] It's going to be more violent.

[842] Yeah, because there's no loyalty.

[843] It's just people coming and getting fucked up and being like, Raiders.

[844] That's a weird sport, right?

[845] or a weird team, right?

[846] Because the Raiders are synonymous with thugs.

[847] Yes.

[848] It's like one of the only sports, or one of the only teams where the audience is synonymous with thugs.

[849] I always think of Frazier Smith's joke.

[850] What was it?

[851] It's about how there's all these like thugs at Knox Ferry Farm.

[852] And it's just like some teenagers that's like, boo, Raiders, bitch.

[853] And I always think of that, like some kid in like a sheet, just scaring you and yelling Raiders.

[854] That's hilarious.

[855] But I think having a transient audience for a home team is kind of a thing.

[856] Of course people live in Las Vegas, but by and large it will be a tourist attraction because it's also in the fall and winter, so it's a not sweltering time of year to go to Las Vegas.

[857] And I don't know, it'll be interesting to see like hometown pride and what that fan looks like when you're in a city where everybody's always coming in.

[858] I don't believe it's real.

[859] I don't think, I mean, Vegas is a real town.

[860] There are real locals there, but I don't think there's enough to show like hometown pride, especially for something like the Raiders.

[861] The Raiders are from fucking L .A. They're from L .A. And then they're from Oakland and now they're here in Vegas but they're not from Vegas.

[862] And I don't think the Rams, I mean, to me, I don't really even know anyone that watches football and it's weird that we're getting a football team.

[863] Yeah.

[864] I wonder what would happen if players were not allowed to switch teams.

[865] It's just like a sentence?

[866] Like you take the oath?

[867] You're like Larry Bird.

[868] You're in the fucking Celtics for life.

[869] You know?

[870] Like there's, back when I was a kid, I didn't watch sports, but I remember, like, players were on teams.

[871] Like, Michael Jordan was on the fucking Chicago Bulls.

[872] That was how it was with the Cowboys growing up.

[873] Whether you watched it or not, like, it was a part of your life.

[874] And all those guys are forever synonymous.

[875] Like Dionne Sanders, Primetime 21, baby.

[876] Yep.

[877] That's the Dallas Cowboys.

[878] And I remember there was a DJ who passed away, who did, he named was Kid Craddock, and he was the Kiss FM DJ in the morning.

[879] That guy passed away?

[880] Passed away, and it was super sad.

[881] When?

[882] A year ago, two years ago.

[883] What happened?

[884] Heart attack.

[885] But I remember he would always This is not that funny But he would always say I'm from Dallas, Texas Where the Cowboys play And I would say that for years Because I thought that was like a cool source of pride Because it's America's team And then I realized All that did was open up The conversation to someone being like Whoa Cowboys And I don't have the information to back it up And I don't want to have that conversation Right you'd have a debate About the Cowboys versus Blank Like saying I'm for years on stage At like a shitty club I'd be like I'm from Dallas And you'd always get a guy like No fuck the Cowboys I'm like cool dude not attached to it.

[886] Like this is not going to be how this hour goes.

[887] But yeah, no real.

[888] But it is a part of your upbringing.

[889] Sports dudes love to get angry.

[890] There's something about sports radio and sports broadcasting.

[891] They love to get shitty about athletes.

[892] That guy's a pussy.

[893] He can't fucking play.

[894] I was in Montreal last week and I was just sitting in a cafe and I was just listening to these two French -Canadian guys go in on just shitting on other parts of Canada and other cities.

[895] and the stuff he was, it was savage.

[896] Like, they eat their own in Canada.

[897] And it was just shitting on the leaves and shitting on Winnipeg.

[898] Oh, it's a city of degenerates.

[899] That's why they lock it down at 10.

[900] Like, just losing it.

[901] And then I tweeted, I Instagrammed about it, and then the rest of the Canadians weighed in on how much they hate French Canada and it became a thing.

[902] And I'm like, Nauta -gast -watch hockey.

[903] Well, French Canada is a different Canada.

[904] It's a different thing.

[905] That's great.

[906] I love it up there.

[907] I love Quebec.

[908] But they want to secede.

[909] They've wanted to secede since I've been going up there It's the 90s.

[910] Yeah, people get froggy when it comes to the Brexit thing.

[911] But nobody, even Brexit, England's not pumped about that.

[912] Northern California wants us to cede.

[913] Well, Brexit's so weird because Brexit is, you know, they're part of the European Union.

[914] It's almost like Texas leaving the United States.

[915] My whole thing is, whatever, I understand the reasons wanting that, the second somebody tries to invade, like, you don't have your own militia.

[916] You don't have an army.

[917] Well, this whole European Union thing is very new, though.

[918] It hasn't been going on that long.

[919] Because you cannot just easily, when you're in England, you've got to go through the whole thing when you're going to another country.

[920] And it used to just be such a chill thing.

[921] And now it's a little bit of a nightmare.

[922] I haven't done it.

[923] I haven't traveled to England since the whole Brexit thing has been going on.

[924] I did.

[925] I went through touring.

[926] And it should have just been like just hop on a plane to go to your other countries.

[927] Now you've got to go through customs.

[928] You just stuck in customs hoping someone comes for you.

[929] I don't know enough about the arguments pro and con to comment on it, honestly.

[930] Well, and it truly doesn't matter because we don't have a vote in it.

[931] But I know the dude looks like a British version of Donald Trump.

[932] Yeah.

[933] He looks like he's got fucked up yellow hair, the whole deal.

[934] It literally looks like their version of Trump.

[935] Like a wonkier, if it's possible.

[936] A younger, wonkier Trump.

[937] A hotter.

[938] He's a little hotter, a little bit.

[939] And they say America sneezes, the rest of the world catches a cold.

[940] You know, like we do something people will start to.

[941] Imagine if dudes with fucked up blonde hair just start taking over the world.

[942] I feel like that was Hitler's vision.

[943] Like, I feel like that's where they were headed.

[944] That was.

[945] Right?

[946] What was crazy was like Hitler didn't look like that.

[947] Brown hair.

[948] I think he even had like a Jewish grandma, brown eyes.

[949] Every Jew knows this.

[950] He had a Jewish grandma.

[951] I think it's something like that.

[952] Look at that guy.

[953] Come on.

[954] What in the fuck?

[955] He looks like Harry from dumb and dumber.

[956] I take it away.

[957] He's not hotter.

[958] He's just younger.

[959] When Trump was younger, he was way harder than that dude.

[960] No, that guy's terrible.

[961] Terrible looking.

[962] Yeah.

[963] There's a lot of Trump supporters this weekend.

[964] Kobe Covington was fighting the UFC and he's a big Trump supporter.

[965] You know what?

[966] I got to say this.

[967] This is not pro -Trump.

[968] this is pro your own rights we have this thing in california i said something i was in a writer's room and i said something about someone who i knew that voted for my family that voted for donald trump and they were they someone was like someone in your family voted for don't speak to them and i was like don't get high fee with me this idea that you can't i understand he represents all these horrible things but we have to be able to have conversations yeah in this country and on both sides and other liberals at times and I say this as a person who's fairly liberal it's terrifying yeah just attacking your own allies and creating no space for a conversation well liberals used to be when I was a kid and my parents are hippies and we lived in san francisco when I was a little kid and so I always thought of liberals as being the people that were like open -minded you know not wanting to silence people letting people speak they're all about people just being whoever they are and not not trying to enforce like rigid patterns of behavior and thought on people but that's not the case now because they think they're doing the right thing because they think they're combating something that's awful and aggressive and regressive you know something that is they feel like the country that they know and love is slipping away so but so do the conservative so does everyone but the response to it is not the right way to go about it the response to it is to show a great example of what your your ideology represents by being a good person, by being open -minded, by being kind.

[969] Instead, people are being super, super shitty.

[970] There's so many super, super shitty people that think they're doing the right thing because they're progressive and all they, though they want good things.

[971] They want gay rights and they want racial equality and they want people to be able to make more money and they want people to be happy and healthy.

[972] Attacking anyone who from the get -go doesn't agree with you.

[973] Because by the way, if you and I disagree and you calmly want to have a conversation, with me, I am very open to having my mind change.

[974] Of course, I want to be on the right side and I want to do the best thing.

[975] If you yell at me and you call me stupid and you're attacking me and you're on the defense from the get -go, you're on the offense from the get -go.

[976] Just as a person with pride, you're going to want to be like, you know what?

[977] I don't want to hear it and fuck you because you represent now all the good intentions.

[978] Like, you're the representative of all that and I don't like you.

[979] So you are, you're an ambassador for your cause when you speak.

[980] I'm really into the environment and plastic and stuff like that.

[981] And I am very specific about how and when I post about things because you don't want people to get activism fatigue and you don't want to be the person who posts about everything because then no one will listen to anything.

[982] Right.

[983] And you don't want to call people out specifically because just because somebody carried a plastic bottle that day doesn't mean they don't drive a hybrid.

[984] You don't know what people are doing.

[985] Right.

[986] Did you see Chris Praggis.

[987] That's literally what I'm thinking of.

[988] And while I love that he did that part of me is like, That's a little holier than now.

[989] Who shamed him?

[990] Jason Mo Mo is so fucking hot.

[991] He's so hot.

[992] He's so hot.

[993] But we're so, especially online, we're so quick to be like, you're not doing it right.

[994] We do it with feminism too.

[995] And you have no idea.

[996] Right.

[997] The pious good life that person is leading and you're judging them on a snapshot on which you don't want to be judged on.

[998] Well, they want to judge people.

[999] The thing is about, it's a lot of what this is about people that are on the fringes.

[1000] It's the ideas are great, right?

[1001] but the people that want attention for espousing these great ideas oftentimes are the fringe.

[1002] So the far left and the far right, a lot of it, what it is, it's just people that are ultra -aggressive about enforcing their ideology, and then they're really shitty, and they want other people to comply.

[1003] And so you get these people that represent the right and these people that represent the left.

[1004] But a lot of the ideas of the right and the left, it's nothing wrong of being fiscally conservative.

[1005] There's nothing wrong with being socially liberal.

[1006] Right.

[1007] And you want less government in your money.

[1008] There's room in there for conversation.

[1009] But when you go far right and then you go far left, then there's no room.

[1010] And when you start vilifying people.

[1011] Yeah.

[1012] From the get -go.

[1013] And when you start expecting people, I, Owen Benjamin, who is just basically is like in a tinfoil hat somewhere and like living off the grid, he offended a lot of people, right?

[1014] You're just staring at me?

[1015] Yeah.

[1016] No, most of them.

[1017] And he said a bunch of stuff about trans stuff.

[1018] and I remember there was this girl that I was friends with on social media didn't know her but just followed her because I liked her writing.

[1019] That's it.

[1020] And she DMs me one day and she's like, she's like, oh, and Benjamin, like, how could you be, like maybe I, I don't know if I'd interacted with him on Twitter.

[1021] I'm never on Twitter because I think it's a toxic fuckhole.

[1022] And she was like, she's getting mad at me. And I go, what are you talking about?

[1023] She was like, he said all this stuff that's anti -trans.

[1024] And I hadn't heard anything.

[1025] Well, let me, let me say what he said.

[1026] Okay.

[1027] And here's the thing.

[1028] He went off into a spiral, right?

[1029] But I agree with what he said.

[1030] What he said was there was someone that he knew, someone who works in Hollywood, that had a three -year -old that they were turning trans.

[1031] Right.

[1032] And he said that that was child abuse.

[1033] That was what led to his crazy situation.

[1034] Totally.

[1035] This is.

[1036] No, I agree with it 100%.

[1037] I don't disagree with that.

[1038] Yeah, I agree with him.

[1039] It's a child.

[1040] 100%.

[1041] You wouldn't let that child decide what it's eating.

[1042] Right.

[1043] So that's a very powerful.

[1044] joke you don't let i always say this i wish i could remember who it was they said you don't let a kid pick their outfit why the fuck would you let them pick their gender for the rest of the joke i just made yeah but it's somebody did it already right i'm not gonna do the joke uh but so that aside and the spiral aside which i didn't even yeah participate like it's whatever like those are your choice that's what you're saying i had known none of this here's a thing that cost him dearly his agency left him and then comedy clubs banned him for that that was the beginning I think he just steered into that skid.

[1045] Well, that's, but that's what started the skid.

[1046] Right.

[1047] What started the skid was that.

[1048] I think there was something else about, like, he called someone who had written a, look, that's not the point of what I was saying.

[1049] Well, things went south afterwards, for sure.

[1050] You have to manage those things.

[1051] My point was, I knew none of this.

[1052] So I'm just like going to brunch one day.

[1053] And this person starts attacking me offline.

[1054] How can you be friends with them?

[1055] And I go, whoa, whoa, what are you talking about?

[1056] She's like, he's saying all these horrible things.

[1057] And I, she's attacking you in person?

[1058] She's in my, like, direct message.

[1059] Oh.

[1060] And this is my only point.

[1061] point is I said I've known Owen most of my career let me go read what you're talking about and she was angry at me for wanting to gather information.

[1062] This person is a trans writer who I literally until that moment didn't know was trans because I was just a fan based on merit like I just like the writing and I said how dare you shame on you as a journalist you should applaud that I go and collect my facts.

[1063] They want compliance like immediate instantaneous compliance and I said I'm an ally and I am pro trans and I am pro gay rights but you do not get to bark at me on a Sunday morning when I have no idea what we're talking about and get mad at me and I'm following.

[1064] I don't trust anyone who says they're an ally about anything.

[1065] I'm a total ally but you say that if you say I'm an ally.

[1066] I'm an ally you think I'm anti -trans I'm buying it.

[1067] I vote and I hate Mrs. Doubtfire that's a little of an ally she is just the term allies gross it's okay when other people use it like he's an ally that guy's an ally she's an ally I get that that's a good way to use it but when you say I'm an ally.

[1068] I'm like, nah.

[1069] Okay.

[1070] Well, I'm pro trans.

[1071] Good for you.

[1072] And I unblocked that person.

[1073] I was like, you don't get to bark at me and tell me for any cause.

[1074] Yeah.

[1075] I. Too many fucking people live on Twitter.

[1076] It's not good.

[1077] It's not healthy folks.

[1078] I don't have it on my phone.

[1079] I don't have it on my phone.

[1080] Twitter is, it's become like a subway bathroom wall.

[1081] Like people just great.

[1082] Michelle Wolf told me the exact same thing last week.

[1083] She doesn't have it on her phone.

[1084] Because you're just screaming into a void and all it does is just, it just nets negativity.

[1085] So they're just waiting for you to fuck up.

[1086] By the way, anybody who's ever said anything awful to me on Twitter, who I've seen in person, they say nothing.

[1087] And I'm, I'm part - Well, that's the only way people should talk.

[1088] It's face -to -face.

[1089] Yeah, Louis C .K. said that to me. We were talking about this, and he said, it's just talk, but it's written down.

[1090] So people think it's, like, more than it is.

[1091] Well, because then - People would say these kind of things, and you would go, eh.

[1092] You get likes and retweets, which are basically pitchforks.

[1093] But, like, if you said something like, if you said something about someone, like you said something about Burt or something like that.

[1094] You know, and he said it online, like fucking Bert should know a lot about getting drunk in Russia.

[1095] If he, if he read that.

[1096] It sounds so bad.

[1097] Yeah, it's like, what the fuck, Eliza?

[1098] Well, because there's no inflection.

[1099] Right, but if you just said it to me, we're hanging out, and then you saw Burton hugged him.

[1100] I wouldn't think you're a hypocrite.

[1101] Right, right, right.

[1102] So it's like what Louis was saying, it's just talk.

[1103] It's, but it's written.

[1104] It's talk without nuance or inflection because not everyone has mastered grammar or punctuation.

[1105] Right, it's worse, especially for us, because we say things, we talk shit, you know.

[1106] Like even now, you and I are agreeing on everything, and I'm like, I'm going to face a firing squad of betas when I get on my Instagram later.

[1107] I'll be like, and Rogan with Humpin and not you.

[1108] Listen, there's a certain percentage of people that are going to attack every woman who comes in the show.

[1109] For sure.

[1110] That just happens.

[1111] It happens almost always.

[1112] I brave it.

[1113] Except Jesse May. Jesse May got like super positive.

[1114] She's doing it better than you.

[1115] I don't know what's up.

[1116] Oh.

[1117] Oh, sick burn.

[1118] No, she's the only one that I've had on it, but maybe...

[1119] How do you know?

[1120] Because she told me. Do you check?

[1121] Maybe she's just like a half, glass half full kind of girl.

[1122] Maybe she's just high all the time.

[1123] I don't know, I don't know anything.

[1124] She's high all the time.

[1125] Oh.

[1126] Yeah.

[1127] I am not, I know it's like not cool around.

[1128] I am not a pot smoker.

[1129] Yeah.

[1130] And I want to try it?

[1131] Nope.

[1132] I mean, I've tried pot.

[1133] My brother grows...

[1134] Elon Musk moment.

[1135] Oh, man. Did I didn't think his, I didn't think he looked as weird as everybody thought.

[1136] Oh, he's weird.

[1137] because he was like trying to like hold it in or whatever do you know that my brother uh has a marijuana farm that's what my brother does where northern california and he does it like he's got a gun like he grows his plants we're not a farming people but he that's what he does it's a great way to make a living right now makes his living and uh i am just not i would like to like it because it seems like what's wrong with it to you like what is i just think you're gonna be hotboxed in about 10 minutes.

[1138] I thought that wasn't a real thing.

[1139] It's a real thing.

[1140] I've got places to go.

[1141] I've got people to see.

[1142] You'll be more jovial.

[1143] I have an outline, do.

[1144] More community, I'm good.

[1145] More community oriented later the day.

[1146] I think it makes me, I always, people always are like, no, this is Indica, in the couch, and this is the TV, open your mind, and I always feel like it makes me think about death, and I feel uncomfortable, and my mind just starts racing.

[1147] Yeah, me too.

[1148] But I don't want that, because I already think about death.

[1149] I'm already uncomfortable.

[1150] It gives, look, I think I need humility in every form, but it is an excellent form of humility to me. It helps me. It helps me be more humble.

[1151] It helps me be nicer to people.

[1152] No, it does.

[1153] You are nice.

[1154] I am nice.

[1155] So what do you need for?

[1156] The reason why I'm nice is because I'm a pothead.

[1157] It's maybe a nicer person.

[1158] I've always been nice, but I have less not nice in me than I ever did before.

[1159] I think that just comes with age.

[1160] Maybe too, for sure.

[1161] You're very old.

[1162] Yes, very ancient.

[1163] No. Barely alive.

[1164] I'm halfway dead, for sure, unless everything goes amazing.

[1165] I prefer.

[1166] What is that?

[1167] Oh, that's a dead bug.

[1168] That's from my friend Maynard.

[1169] He sent me that from his farm.

[1170] We were talking about one of these fucking things.

[1171] Is that a black jacket?

[1172] No, that is, that gigantic monster is a tarantula hawk.

[1173] That is a huge, oh, fuck, yeah, it is.

[1174] That's like something out of a bestuary.

[1175] They kill tarantulas, they sting the fuck out of them and lay their eggs in their body.

[1176] Those are monsters.

[1177] They're so big.

[1178] It's like a little bird.

[1179] So he was explaining it.

[1180] to me in describing how fucking big it was and then he sent me one a dead one from his place pretty cool I don't think it's dead I think it's waiting that's Maynard from Tools bug That's fucking sick You see the weed cloud in the room It's floating over her side of the room Yeah it's trying It's trying to talk to you It's like Eliza we have creativity for you And you get it everywhere It's at all the shows they give you And I just You don't have to You don't have to You just no need to Do you do anything like do you meditate Do you do anything to try to alter your state I do a lot of deep thinking I'm not as good at meditating as I would like but I'm very self -reflective That's good And I do a lot of reading Do you feel like women that are confident Get kind of like more heat Like men that are confident Don't really get that much heat from women Right?

[1181] It's almost like expected But women that are confident get hate Like when I If I did a woman's podcast right Like a women's podcast or a woman's podcast Women's like yours.

[1182] Like if I did your podcast I don't get hate from women Sure I do a podcast I did it before I don't get I wouldn't get hate from women But I think for certain amount Like sometimes guys podcast They want to hear you talk about guy shit You know I talk about football for at least five minutes And I hold my own Talked about how you were violent As a lacrosse player So are you rock harder?

[1183] What America?

[1184] What?

[1185] I think it's It's not something that I think about a ton Because people are always like Oh you're so confident It just it's not like I took a pill to become that way.

[1186] I just always operated just the way I was supposed to.

[1187] Some people like you.

[1188] Some people don't.

[1189] But I think people get insecure.

[1190] And I think insecurity for men and women manifest itself in very ugly ways.

[1191] Whether it's women hating other women for being more attractive, whether it's you didn't get laid.

[1192] So now you're going to go shoot up a group of people.

[1193] And insecurity, I talk about this in my book, is just such a personal ugly thing.

[1194] and people are constantly putting it on others It used to be that a girl could have a hot body And there was zero consequences Nope, it never was that It was never that Other girls didn't like it But there wasn't like publicly espoused consequences We didn't have social media Oh definitely there was Hot girls are always called sluts Right Always in forever Or gold diggers or something like that But Salem witch trial All them had hot bodies Oh yeah but that wasn't real Do you know what that was about The Salem Rich trial It was about Ergot They had late frost, and the late frost caused fungus to grow on their wheat.

[1195] That fungus contains lysurgic acid, which is very similar to LSD.

[1196] So while these fucking people were eating their bread and using their wheat and flour, they're getting acid poisoned.

[1197] So they were thinking that everyone was witches.

[1198] And it was always probably men that couldn't get laid.

[1199] And now you're talking about in America because it was different.

[1200] Salem, which house?

[1201] That very particular thing.

[1202] But what came before that.

[1203] Let's check to make sure that this hasn't been debunked.

[1204] I can tell you about what came before that, in the witch, seeking out of witches in Europe.

[1205] It was this widespread thing, of course, to spread Christianity, but they'd have witch committees, like, go from town to town to find people, because everybody needs, like, a scapegoat, and then they'd check you for marks.

[1206] And, of course, a mark could just be a birth mark, and then there's trial by fire, trial by floating.

[1207] Do you know, they used to tie women down and weigh them down with rocks?

[1208] And if they drowned, they weren't a witch, a witch.

[1209] But if they survived, then they knew they were witches.

[1210] Right.

[1211] You're fucked either way.

[1212] I listen to Aaron Manky's podcast, lore, and he talks about this stuff all the time.

[1213] And he talks about trial.

[1214] What is it called?

[1215] L -O -R -E?

[1216] It's awesome.

[1217] About folklore?

[1218] All different kinds.

[1219] And he talks about the different trials.

[1220] So, you know, and it's all stuff like that where, like, you're kind of damned if you do damned if you don't regardless.

[1221] Like, if you set you on fire and if you scar, then you're not a righteous man. And if you die, you were righteous, whoops a daisy.

[1222] So this is a thing.

[1223] What was the point?

[1224] Oh, witches had hot bodies.

[1225] You're talking about the women having good bodies.

[1226] No, what I was talking about is that women, when they go on a man's podcast a lot of times, get women, or men rather, hate on them.

[1227] Oh, that was going to say that women have, like today women, your body shaming, or you're showing an unrealistic body type, and you're feeding into unrealistic body expectations.

[1228] I've seen that a lot.

[1229] Saying that to another woman.

[1230] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1231] There was an ad that was pulled in England, in the UK, because it was like a gym ad, and this girl was in a bikini, she had a hot body.

[1232] I forget what it was for.

[1233] I think it was a gym.

[1234] Something like that.

[1235] Maybe sunscreen or some shit.

[1236] But this girl had a hot body, and they made them pull the ad because it was promoting unrealistic body expectations.

[1237] But I was like, what isn't?

[1238] Well, here's the thing.

[1239] It's like, it's a girl.

[1240] Like, she's a real person.

[1241] It's not unrealistic.

[1242] You can do it.

[1243] You can get really fat, too.

[1244] There it is.

[1245] Are you beach body ready?

[1246] And see, to me, that's maybe in England that's unrealistic, but in L .A., that's just normal.

[1247] That is not unrealistic.

[1248] It's not unrealistic.

[1249] No, it's just.

[1250] Here's my thing.

[1251] Here's my thing.

[1252] It's a hot girl.

[1253] Let's say that's her body.

[1254] okay um i do think we have a problem in our society like my boobs are real and because they're big my whole life um i mean my adult life people are like are those teeth real and they can't believe that and i'm like someone's got to have real tits for you to ask if they're real yeah they're real some some big ones are real and it's offensive but it's also like people are just it's almost like we're so fed all of this fake stuff that when someone actually has it like my eyelashes are real and they're long and people are always like those got to be fake i'm like Someone had to have had real eyelashes in the first place to measure other eyelashes against.

[1255] So when someone's big or strong, we always assume that they're faking it because sometimes our noses are fake.

[1256] Right, but some girls go crazy with the eyelashes.

[1257] They've got spiders growing on their heads.

[1258] It's ridiculous.

[1259] But my other thing is, like, I can judge that girl silently.

[1260] I don't have to say it to her face.

[1261] Like, you don't have to be a piece of shit about it.

[1262] Right.

[1263] Well, that's the thing about social media is you can just attack that girl.

[1264] I don't want to be high.

[1265] And I feel like I'm high now.

[1266] You definitely not high.

[1267] I feel so high.

[1268] Do you?

[1269] I don't know.

[1270] I've been playing with this cord too long.

[1271] You might be.

[1272] Are you getting paranoid?

[1273] I'm a little sweaty.

[1274] Really?

[1275] My name is because...

[1276] The heat got...

[1277] Stivianic conversation.

[1278] You too.

[1279] Yeah?

[1280] Oh, the he's on.

[1281] The H -ZO.

[1282] Yeah, it was cold in here when we first got in.

[1283] I find, though...

[1284] At L is like 59 degrees.

[1285] I think it's just your body heating the room.

[1286] I come on your podcast because I genuinely enjoy our interaction, and I do think you have a really smart, cool audience of most of people that think like you.

[1287] I think as a woman or just as a person, any time you open your mouth or leave the house, there's going to be people like you, people who don't.

[1288] So you just don't focus on the ones that don't.

[1289] Because I have found when someone doesn't like me, it typically has nothing to do with actually me. Well, there's a thing that people do when someone's very opinionated where you want to, for some reason, like, combat their opinions.

[1290] I've seen people do it, even in the things that they don't necessarily disagree with.

[1291] They just become a contrarian, just to like to fuck with that person.

[1292] But that's what I'm saying.

[1293] It has nothing to do with what I said.

[1294] something in you that you're bothered by.

[1295] And I really try in being autodidactic and in being self -reflective when I don't like someone, I really try to examine what it is.

[1296] And sometimes it comes down, I'm like, maybe I'm just jealous.

[1297] I'm just jealous.

[1298] You use autodidactic.

[1299] Don't be jealous.

[1300] You just did it too.

[1301] Did it really well.

[1302] Snuck it in there without anybody.

[1303] But a lot of time it is jealousy versus oh, I really hate their stance.

[1304] It's that.

[1305] But sometimes it's also, there's an incorrect way of thinking about people.

[1306] Like when someone's confident or someone's brash for whatever reason like we get competitive I'm like fuck that guy why's that guy such a dick yes instead of getting like oh what do I care as long as he's not being shitty to me to you I don't care but think about it that upsets people because deep down you're reminded that you're not that and those are all the things you want to be sure he's confident oh he's strong oh he's good looking oh I've seen that with men yeah oh yeah for sure I I I was all the time uh if there's like an attractive guy you know they'll be like oh isn't he pretty short?

[1307] And it's like, maybe he is, but does that help you?

[1308] If a guy's short, do you feel better now, you know?

[1309] Well, they do.

[1310] That's the only way they do.

[1311] Yeah.

[1312] But it's not real.

[1313] See, the thing is, when you shit on someone, unless you're being funny, if you're being funny, I'm all for you.

[1314] But if, when you're, when you're just being mean about someone, like some football player, like, he's a fucking pussy, he keeps dropping the ball.

[1315] Like, is he really?

[1316] Like, could you do that job?

[1317] Come on, man. With a freight train coming at you?

[1318] I think he's a fucking pussy.

[1319] He's just not as good as at football as some of the best people.

[1320] Well, and it so takes away from, I'll use feminism, for example, when I do have a genuine criticism of someone, you're so rarely, I talk about this in my special, but you're so rarely allowed to voice it because it's like, well, you're just jealous.

[1321] I'm like, or I am in fact doing the correct feminist thing and judging her on merit of what she has done, and I dislike it, and it has nothing to do with her being beautiful.

[1322] I think there's obviously issues that women need more equality in this country.

[1323] I think the issue with the concept of being a masculinist or even the concept of being a feminist is that everyone automatically thinks you care about that more than you care about general humanity, right?

[1324] Because you're isolating gender.

[1325] You're saying, I'm a feminist.

[1326] I'm a woman.

[1327] I support women's rights and women's values.

[1328] I support feminism, empowering women.

[1329] When people hear that, they go, okay, you like women more than men.

[1330] But in fact, what it is is I support the idea that we could be treated equally because men and I love men.

[1331] I love breaking balls with male comics.

[1332] I married a dude.

[1333] I have made out with some hot dudes.

[1334] Congratulations again.

[1335] I am actually a gigantic frat boy trapped in a feminist body.

[1336] But that all we're vying for is just to be treated equally and not be made to feel horrific.

[1337] That's it.

[1338] I'm not asking for a special treatment.

[1339] No, I get it.

[1340] I have zero problem with any of it.

[1341] Of course not.

[1342] But I, my, my thought on why people react so strongly to it.

[1343] I do it.

[1344] It's not a good, but I get, you don't have to, I trust you.

[1345] It's an affidavit.

[1346] It's a signing way you're like, he writes.

[1347] But I think that, like, when people hear it, like, they kind of have that feeling, like, oh, she's one of those.

[1348] Oh, she's a man -hater.

[1349] It's like, it's almost like the word is so heavy now that it doesn't necessarily accurately portray the intent.

[1350] Well, it's so fraught.

[1351] with historical weight.

[1352] And I do think that's changing.

[1353] But I also believe, it's a word I'd never used until like three years ago.

[1354] And I picked it because I was like, well, this sort of applies.

[1355] I don't read feminist writings.

[1356] I don't, the idea that as a woman you're constantly being preached to by other women, like preaching to the choir.

[1357] Right.

[1358] What it is, is I think on a granular level, I enjoy having conversations.

[1359] And most men I know are like, they're not these oppressive, horrible people.

[1360] And we always look to the extreme left or right to prove our point.

[1361] When in actuality, there's a whole population of people who think and feel just like you and that's the key is finding those people and communing with them well you've always been very pro male you've never had a problem with men but you're also you're confident and ambitious and when you're both of those things and people hear the word feminist they go oh she's one of those like she's going to be annoying but you're not but there's that thing and it goes back to what we're talking about earlier it's the fringes yeah that's what I'm saying it's not like all men It's these fucking men that want to sue you because they can't come in.

[1362] That's actually more of a guy who's just trying to sue people.

[1363] But like, like, okay, straight pride parade.

[1364] We were talking about this in the phone.

[1365] Straight pride parade guys.

[1366] Right.

[1367] Like that kind of shit.

[1368] The worst.

[1369] Those guys.

[1370] Like, just the idea.

[1371] Of having that, people that say all men, like the kind of feminist that say all men, I'm like, you're part of the problem.

[1372] Because that's just as bad as some guy saying all women are sluts.

[1373] Like you are just as bad for marginalizing anyone.

[1374] I was hearing this woman talk about sex.

[1375] And she was like, women want this and women want, she was on a podcast, women want this, and women want you to slow down and women want you to be gentle.

[1376] I'm like, no, no, no, no. Some women, some women do.

[1377] Some women want to get ravaged.

[1378] Look, you're talking to a girl who speaks in generalizations for a living.

[1379] Like, women do this.

[1380] But because by and large, you know.

[1381] But that's for jokes.

[1382] For sure.

[1383] And by and large, most, you know, these things are right because these, it's, you've proved it over years and years.

[1384] But I also, like, sex podcasts are, like, so not my thing.

[1385] Well, it's just so crazy to speak for all women.

[1386] It's like trying to speak for all men.

[1387] If I said, men like to be ball gagged, men like to be kicked in the balls, men like to be tied up and pissed on.

[1388] Men like to sell you their shit.

[1389] They want you to shit in Tupperware and send it to them.

[1390] Well, that's true.

[1391] Some men like that.

[1392] That's real.

[1393] Well, let me ask you a French.

[1394] Does that get into that territory where now you're on stage and you have to start saying, some, not all, speaking for me. If you can do it funny.

[1395] I know for me. Well, we have this thing where we are, we don't look at things granularly and we're like, well, they said all so they must mean all and fuck them well for me it's been uh i am high little bit of a i swear it got in my brain you're gonna be fine joe who's your buddy jo rogan yeah don't worry about it we're gonna be fine i have a dog it's outside it's cute dog i keep remembering i have a dog now she's very sweet you want to talk about her the little situation sure it's crazy this little girl was on her way to china no no she's from china yeah well they don't import the meat they were gonna eat her they were gonna eat her She has a scar around her nose where her mouth was bound.

[1396] Like it's all around.

[1397] It's very sad.

[1398] I noticed that yesterday I thought she just, because she's a white dog, I thought she had like tear marks.

[1399] And then I noticed it went all the way around.

[1400] And then, but I also realized that she lets me kiss her on the mouth.

[1401] So she's not weird about that.

[1402] I got her less than 24 hours ago.

[1403] Yeah.

[1404] I was, I make candy every year for the comedy store Christmas party.

[1405] I make it for all the employees.

[1406] And it's actually a really difficult thing to hand out because out of uniform, I can't remember who works on who doesn't.

[1407] Like, you know what couple waitresses.

[1408] Right, right, right.

[1409] I remember last year I had my bag of candy.

[1410] It's his homemade sponge candy.

[1411] And I went up to this girl, and I just said, do you work here?

[1412] Meaning, if you do, I'm going to give you candy.

[1413] Right.

[1414] It was as if I had set her mother on fire.

[1415] She goes, no, sweetie, I'm a comic.

[1416] And I was like, I just walked away, but it's like, but are you?

[1417] Because I don't know who the fuck you are.

[1418] But also, like, don't be a bitch.

[1419] Yeah, well, just say no. Just say no. I was just trying to suss out.

[1420] Right.

[1421] You work there.

[1422] Yeah.

[1423] So I brought this candy.

[1424] I do it every year.

[1425] And I'm home yesterday.

[1426] I asked my husband to get sugar and we didn't have We had like half a thing of sugar Because he accidentally used all of it Making something, whatever So I He is a chef He knows what he's doing We had a holiday party But you know When you say he accidentally used it You're saying it like he's inept Well he didn't know No he didn't realize He had used so much In making this cranberry thing And he said I thought I had I left you more but I needed more So I called a friend I said can I have some of your sugar She's like Why don't you just go to the store At the bottom of the hill And get it And then you found a dog Well I go there And there are these two What are they beagles and they were for adoption and I really want a dog and there was a giant husky that was like your size and I was like maybe I'll have a husky it was too big and I'm starting to like convince myself like maybe I have a beagle and the lady was Chinese she was like we have more dogs in the car she opened up the car and there was like seven cute little white dogs and I picked up this one and I just started crying my dog died while I was on tour in Japan I never got to say goodbye to blanche and I'm just crying and I'm holding this dog and she's white and I was there to buy sugar And it like, I do the girl thing where I'm like, and she's white and it's sugar and she's sugar and it's cosmic.

[1427] Cut to me just putting $300 in a cardboard box with no receipt, no paperwork.

[1428] I gave this Chinese lady my phone number and I have a dog now.

[1429] Her name is tofu.

[1430] So this lady goes to China and brings them back?

[1431] Yep.

[1432] Wow.

[1433] That's heavy.

[1434] And they were all like scheduled.

[1435] It's a good move to go by Laurel Canyon.

[1436] You know, you think that's so many fucking L .A. people that love dogs are in that area.

[1437] So many people and it must work because she wouldn't set up shop there.

[1438] LA's a good spot for dogs.

[1439] You could have dogs here.

[1440] You know, like, everybody has a fucking dog.

[1441] You know, it's really, weirdly not a dog -friendly city is New York.

[1442] Yeah, well, it sucks.

[1443] I mean, unless you live right next to Central Park, I mean, to have a dog there.

[1444] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1445] If you're in a fucking apartment, you're in a seven -floor walk -up and your dog's got to take a shit.

[1446] Jesus Christ, you got to walk down seven flights of stairs, take this fucking dog out.

[1447] Yeah, and then the dog's, like, sniffing, like, hey, fuck face, take your shit already.

[1448] And there's so much garbage.

[1449] Yeah.

[1450] My dog one time found all the pieces to a full Thanksgiving dinner on the streets.

[1451] There's so much garbage.

[1452] New York gets weird.

[1453] And then you have to pick the shit up, too.

[1454] You know, I saw there was a bunch of people in Brooklyn that got mad because they have these trees and then they have the trees sort of fenced in.

[1455] And then people were taking their dog, putting it over the fence, letting the dog shit, and then picking it up.

[1456] They were putting signs up there.

[1457] They took pictures of these people and put signs up and, like, this is not a toilet.

[1458] Meanwhile, all of them throw their cigarette butts in the street.

[1459] A lot of them do, right?

[1460] Brooklyn for seven weeks this year because I was shooting my show and I was appalled.

[1461] You think of New Yorkers as this intelligent race and they're all just throwing.

[1462] I'm like, cigarette smokers almost universally do that.

[1463] It's weird.

[1464] I just went on a rant about this recently.

[1465] Where do you think that's going?

[1466] Mm -hmm.

[1467] Think about it.

[1468] My friend John actually, I confront him about that.

[1469] He's like, oh, somebody gets paid to pick that up.

[1470] Nope.

[1471] I did it to a comedy store working the other day.

[1472] He threw it.

[1473] I go, what are you doing?

[1474] You'd be better.

[1475] And he picked it up.

[1476] You have to shame someone so that they remember.

[1477] People I love and respect do that in the back parking lot of the comedy store.

[1478] I'm like, what are you doing, man?

[1479] You're littering?

[1480] Are you littering?

[1481] You gotta say something.

[1482] I don't think of it as littering.

[1483] There's something weird.

[1484] But think of it.

[1485] Right.

[1486] Think of it.

[1487] Why do you think they don't think of it as littering?

[1488] Because it's always been done and they think someone's sweeping it up.

[1489] It's not only are these cars are just going in our oceans and in our fish.

[1490] These could set fires.

[1491] It's just overall health.

[1492] And also, don't be a piece of shit.

[1493] Don't throw things on the ground.

[1494] Yeah.

[1495] Not even food.

[1496] Like we all think you throw an apple core out.

[1497] okay it isn't that attracts animals it doesn't like it's parts where it shouldn't be like on a road driving by a wooded area throw in the fucking wooded area but people just throw trash out nobody considers realize that like this is your community and this is your home yeah and it i won't even drink out of plastic yeah the cigarette thing is one of the weirder ones because i i always felt like maybe it's because they're they're treating themselves like shit yeah here's a question you're driving down the road with your window up and smoking a cigarette so you know that the smoke needs to, you know the smoke is bad because you're letting it escape.

[1498] Why not just roll up your window and smoke it in your fucking car and kill yourself quietly?

[1499] Why do you have to have it open or smokers that stand in the doorway?

[1500] I'm like, it's not any warmer near the doorway if you're smoking outside.

[1501] You're just making it so that we all have to smell like cigarettes leaving the building.

[1502] Yeah, they don't give a fuck about that smell.

[1503] That smells weird.

[1504] Because the smell of pipes is actually nice.

[1505] Tobacco's, yeah.

[1506] Yeah.

[1507] Like someone has a night, like the smell of cigars.

[1508] I like the smell of cigars it smells good to me the smell of cigarettes is always shitty and it's i don't know why we can't put perfume doesn't last cigarette smoke lasts four days and i don't wear it right i want that in a perfume it gets in your clothes it gets in your clothes like nothing else what have you yeah isn't it like something pretty you could burn just like wave it around your body some sage type deal to do what to get a good smell like instead of like perfume yeah just wave it over your cooter who put on your feet so my vagina burns just no no no like get smoke everywhere all all What if you did poopery, that stuff that you sprayed?

[1509] What if you did that on your body and then walk through a cigarette?

[1510] Would it deflect?

[1511] Who would win?

[1512] Who would win?

[1513] The bad smell, the good smell.

[1514] Who will represent us in a science off?

[1515] I'm walked by this lady the other day.

[1516] I had to stop because I was tying my shoe.

[1517] And this lady, her perfume was so strong.

[1518] I literally wanted to stop tie my shoe and move away from her.

[1519] You know, some people just go ham with the perfume.

[1520] Yeah.

[1521] Like, I know that's not what you smell.

[1522] I find it more often is with cologne.

[1523] Oh, yeah.

[1524] And I'm just like this.

[1525] Oh, it's gross.

[1526] Yeah.

[1527] It is gross because it triggers something.

[1528] You're like, this feels cheap.

[1529] This feels like I'm 20 in a shitty bar.

[1530] Yeah, when I see a dude doing a cologne commercial, I'm always like, do you wear that stuff, man?

[1531] No. Hey, Brad Pitt, you're really wearing cologne?

[1532] He doesn't have to.

[1533] Does he do cologne commercials?

[1534] Probably in, like, Japan.

[1535] Probably does, right?

[1536] Yeah.

[1537] Like, Julie Roberts has that one weird European one where she's got her hands tied to, like, marionette strings.

[1538] But that was a thing back in the day, the actual TV of Dami pulls, it's on that one side, or right in front of you over here, too.

[1539] But the weird thing is back in the day.

[1540] like actors would never do commercials because if you did a commercial, we all knew even people that were non -actors.

[1541] And at the end.

[1542] Yeah, there was something wrong.

[1543] So they go over somewhere.

[1544] Right.

[1545] I mean, wouldn't you, here's a million dollars, just say that you like this beverage?

[1546] Fuck it.

[1547] No one's going to see it.

[1548] Now everyone sees everything.

[1549] Yeah.

[1550] But back in the day, like we'd find out that like, oh, Julia Roberts does big time commercials in Japan.

[1551] You'd be like, what?

[1552] Here's the thing.

[1553] There will be no day of reckoning.

[1554] Like, I always think about this with acting.

[1555] You make a shitty movie.

[1556] seldom is anyone ever in an interview gonna be like remember that piece of shit you made like you never have to atone in person for a bad film choice because no one would have the balls to shit on you for trying to make money and make a living there he is Chanel there you are I remember that commercial that is so preposterous if I was Brad's friend I'd play that every time I went over his house I would walk in with a boom box I'd have him wait if he came over my house he'd be on every television and I would go tell me when he's at the door tell me who's at the door ready go play That's Peak Pit right there too With the hair Legends of the Fall Hair Yeah That's it That's the fucking man Who lives in the woods hair Look at him Hey how you doing He's a beautiful man Beautiful Not as beautiful as Jay's Momoa Oh my god I was on set with this actor named Ryan Hansen Who's in like Veronica Mars And he's really And we were just We were talking about like Would You Rather And we were just playing this game And he was like Who's your celebrity pass I'm like no one It will wreck your marriage But I just said I thought Jason Mom was hot and he just goes oh he would treat you right but then when the time came he would fucking lay it down and i was like yeah put that velvet scrunchy on me into it okay so many different kinds of hot weird that that dude is describing how another guy's gonna fuck you though a little weird that's cool it was cool okay we were on having lunch uh he's just hot handsome fella I mean I mean I love it and that scar is from a bar fight is it so manly yeah it's not like painted on it's legit he could have a lot of Lost an eye.

[1557] Could have.

[1558] But he didn't.

[1559] Yeah.

[1560] He's okay.

[1561] Right.

[1562] Like old Frisetta paintings of Conan.

[1563] Yeah.

[1564] He had a big scar across his forehead and cut into his eyebrows.

[1565] I feel like you would want that.

[1566] Like you would want a face scar.

[1567] Right?

[1568] But I probably kept fighting.

[1569] I definitely would have got one.

[1570] I would have got some.

[1571] If I just kept fighting.

[1572] Yeah.

[1573] I don't want a face.

[1574] I've got a small one.

[1575] Do you?

[1576] What happened?

[1577] An Alaskan Malamute.

[1578] Bit me on the face on Thanksgiving.

[1579] Those are weird ones.

[1580] Those Malamutes bite people in the face I will be honest I was taunting the dog I was like eight and it got its revenge I hear about German shepherds biting people in the face too I love a German shepherd though oh too I've never had one but I respect They're great dogs Beautiful dogs Yeah they're smart And a Belgian Malinwa as well Oh those are real smart The movie I just did I had to do like a little Half day of training with a Malinwa for this scene And I had to like hold its collar before I let it go And that dog pulled me Yeah they're fucking strong No joke Have you ever seen some of the videos where they jump up Like these preposterous heights to grab things.

[1581] Like a vertical.

[1582] Yeah.

[1583] Like 20 feet straight up in the air.

[1584] They jump off people's shoulders and straight up in the air.

[1585] I don't know where they get the propulsion.

[1586] They're just ridiculously powerful athletic dogs that are designed to attack people.

[1587] Yeah.

[1588] That's what my tofu is going to be.

[1589] Yeah.

[1590] I mean, they're, yeah, I think so.

[1591] She's got it in her.

[1592] She's vicious.

[1593] Yeah.

[1594] For five pounds, she'll fuck you up.

[1595] But those Malmaws and German Shepherds, they need work.

[1596] One of the things that people do, they make a big mistake is they get a dog like that and they don't do anything with it.

[1597] that's a working dog like if i had a dog like that i'd take it with me all over the place i would run it every fucking day i would throw a ball with it you got to give them active things to do it's german it loves precision and productivity well it's a guard dog yeah you know it's it's it's big look at that look at that dog yeah i mean what in the fuck that dog can fly don't be in the NBA and then how about how the dog lands like a cat on this oh it lands on a pad on a cushion thing but they know how far it's going to go like that is an insane amount of athleticism If that was a human, I mean, that would be someone that's flying.

[1598] Yeah, it's like the Hulk.

[1599] That would be like leaping through the air like the Hulk.

[1600] It's always hard for me at the airport when I see like a drug sniffing working dog, but it's like a yellow lab.

[1601] I'm like, really?

[1602] I can't pet the yellow lab.

[1603] I don't.

[1604] I don't.

[1605] You could ruin the dog.

[1606] I don't want to ruin the dog in his chances at retirement.

[1607] You could ruin it.

[1608] I'm not going to.

[1609] Yeah.

[1610] Those drugs, drug sniffing dogs make me fucking nervous because I'm like, what are they looking for?

[1611] Not weed.

[1612] That's the truth.

[1613] But you can only teach a dog to look for one thing.

[1614] You know, you can't say, hey, I want...

[1615] The truth.

[1616] The truth.

[1617] You can't teach a dog, hey, I want you to look for guns and coke.

[1618] Right, it's like residue or...

[1619] Right.

[1620] Right.

[1621] Do you smell gunpowder?

[1622] Do you smell marijuana?

[1623] Like, what do you smell?

[1624] Like, what do you train the dog to smell heroin?

[1625] Go find mushrooms.

[1626] Bring them back.

[1627] Right.

[1628] Find them, you little fuck.

[1629] Yeah, definitely the heroin, because I think you can make more things out of that.

[1630] Well, it's one that kills you.

[1631] That's one of the reasons why they should look out for heroin.

[1632] Fentanyl.

[1633] If they could smell fentanyl, that would be nice.

[1634] They could smell fucking anything.

[1635] But I feel like fentanyl is more local.

[1636] Actually, no. I don't know what I'm talking about.

[1637] I feel like with prescription drugs, like that's more like it ravages a community.

[1638] And I don't, when I think of like airplanes, I think like weight being pushed through from other countries.

[1639] But I don't know.

[1640] I think it's all things.

[1641] Meth.

[1642] It's everything.

[1643] The really fucked up part about it is it's almost like what we're talking about with football, that football be safer if there was no helmets.

[1644] It doesn't make sense.

[1645] Drugs would be safer if they were regulated.

[1646] We would all be safer if they were legal.

[1647] I feel that way about prostitution.

[1648] Yeah.

[1649] And I'm going to actually broach this here.

[1650] I was going to write a joke about it.

[1651] I'm just going to say it.

[1652] I believe a state issued, if you apply for funding, for support if you're going to school, like a loan, or the state's paying for you to go to school, you get a scholarship.

[1653] You should also be able to apply for a state -issued prostitute.

[1654] If you are a little socially awkward, maybe you haven't had sex, because men get weird.

[1655] If they haven't been made privy to the way a woman is or they haven't had sex and you're going to college, Let's get you a prostitute.

[1656] Let's get you having sex twice a week so you're not afraid of women.

[1657] Let's get you a little less weird.

[1658] Let's fund a prostitute.

[1659] Well, I think if it didn't have the social stigma behind it, there's a lot of people that would choose it over working at Wendy's.

[1660] Great.

[1661] There's a lot of people that choose it.

[1662] As long as it's a choice.

[1663] The social stigma is that there's something wrong with it, right?

[1664] Because it's a woman saying, I want to do this with my body.

[1665] That's what's upsetting.

[1666] It's sort of that.

[1667] But it's also, well, in this country, it's also connected to.

[1668] sex slavery we think of it as like if someone is doing that then maybe maybe they're a sex slave like maybe there's someone who's i think that's less on people's radars and it more has to do with the puritanical idea of there's a little bit of that but i mean that was one of the things that they were accusing robert craft of you remember robert craft is the guy who owns the croft or craft it's craft right he's the guy who owned the new england patriots he went to a massage parlor in the game of happy ending and then the next thing you know that you know they arrested him and told him that there's a video of it and they were you know they're trying to get him to plead guilty and all these all this different shit that was going on to a guy who's like insanely insanely wealthy who just was going there to get jerked off but one of the things they said was that it was uh that he was participating somehow in sex trafficking and so they were accusing him of that they were that was a big part of what the police were saying well it turned out that none of the girls that worked there were sex traffickers they're just prostitutes and the woman that did it to him she was like 40 years None of this would have happened if it was legal.

[1669] None of it would happen.

[1670] It was legal.

[1671] But it's also they were using that term to, they were accusing him of this thing and using that term like to brand him to shame him.

[1672] Wait, are you telling me that there was a news story where they used a buzzword?

[1673] Yes.

[1674] Yeah, it is buzzword.

[1675] Right.

[1676] But it's a buzzword that's, it's very specific in terms of like the difference in the consequences that you would want someone to face.

[1677] Whether they just went there to get jerked off or they participated in sex slavery.

[1678] Right.

[1679] You're not a part of.

[1680] ring.

[1681] I mean, you are because the ring ends with you.

[1682] So because there's a demand for it, there is a supply.

[1683] So that is by and large a part of the issue.

[1684] And I say this is not knowing a ton about sex slavery, but I do know that if you take away the stigma and you can normalize things very quickly, weed is a great example.

[1685] Right?

[1686] Yeah.

[1687] You could do that.

[1688] And even we've done this with women and bodies and the way that we look at people who are overweight and we look at people with different things.

[1689] Like we are getting to a place where it's less of a thing.

[1690] I think you could do that with prostitution.

[1691] I think so too.

[1692] And it's fine.

[1693] And look at it as like this is her choice and if there if there wasn't an exception exorbitant demand for it wouldn't be a thing yeah it's just you you can't tell people what to do with their bodies any other way except when money's involved that's where i have a problem with it except when taxes are involved yeah but it's it's it's not even that it's it's a societal position right if we're going to vote on it most people would vote on no prostitution because they don't want their daughter or their sister, their mother to be a prostitute.

[1694] That's a, or them.

[1695] They don't want to be a prostitute.

[1696] That's why they would vote on it.

[1697] But it's the only thing that's completely legal to do.

[1698] Like, not only that, but it's what sells everything.

[1699] When Brad Pitt is fucking selling cologne, he's selling, I'm a hot man. If you get my cologne, you might get some pussy.

[1700] I'm looking right at that mouth.

[1701] Yes.

[1702] Look at them.

[1703] It's beautiful.

[1704] I agree.

[1705] But that is the thing that is fucked up about all this.

[1706] Like, a woman can have sex with as many people as she wants for free.

[1707] But if she charges, then all of a sudden it's crap.

[1708] But you can charge for a back rub?

[1709] Like, what the fuck?

[1710] Like, why is it?

[1711] You're like, I'm getting off either way.

[1712] But it just doesn't make any sense.

[1713] I agree with you.

[1714] It's silly.

[1715] It's restrictive.

[1716] When it comes to the idea of a woman taking control of her own body, no tax is being paid, uh, and the idea of someone being a whore because of our puritanical roots in this country, all those things combined make it.

[1717] volatile topic but at the end of the day if she's going to make money that's going to go back into your society that's going to be put to good use it's going to be tax it's going to be in your community what do you care what she's doing behind closed doors if it's safe and it's regulated just like weed all of a sudden there's standards now there's a way to uh sanitize this yeah i think so and they did it in australia they did it in nevada yeah and parts of it parts of it um but in australia they have i mean it's full on there you can do whatever you want they have brothels.

[1718] But I think it's also one of the things that we're conditioned to have a perspective on it similar to the drug issue.

[1719] Like I don't want my friends or my daughters or my mother or anyone I know to be a prostitute.

[1720] So we have this like this position on it.

[1721] I also don't want them to do coke.

[1722] But I don't think coke should be illegal.

[1723] I don't think anybody should be able to lock you in a cage because you want to get coked up.

[1724] Imagine if it were legal how many less people would be dying just in a drug trade.

[1725] Yeah.

[1726] And how many more people would be aware of how much you can do because you'd get actual Coke.

[1727] What a lot of the shit you're getting is being cut because you're getting it, you're buying it from people that aren't companies, right?

[1728] If you're going to buy something from Nabisco, if Nabisco is selling Coke.

[1729] They're going to put the ingredients on it.

[1730] It would be 100 % Coke.

[1731] You'd be able to get real Coke.

[1732] Real Coke?

[1733] Nabisco flavored cocaine.

[1734] Moreover, I mean, look in Europe the way that they are with alcohol, like Italy, for example.

[1735] Kids have wine when they're little.

[1736] And sure, there's alcoholics there, but it's less of like a rum springer freaking.

[1737] when you are able to do something.

[1738] That's a great way to put a rum springer freak out.

[1739] What she's talking about, if you don't know, is the Amish have a thing.

[1740] It's when they turn like 18, right?

[1741] They get to go ham.

[1742] They get to do whatever they want.

[1743] They could watch TV.

[1744] They could drink, smoke, pot, and fuck.

[1745] And they go crazy for a short period of time.

[1746] And then at the end of that time, they can either leave the church forever or come back.

[1747] And most of them come back.

[1748] Right, because it's all you know.

[1749] Also, you're probably so hung over.

[1750] Jesus Christ.

[1751] Tell one, make me some oat cakes.

[1752] Get me back to cutting logs.

[1753] This is bullshit.

[1754] This is real workout.

[1755] Fuck it.

[1756] Yeah, but that's the truth.

[1757] What you're saying is the truth.

[1758] Like, when you repress people, that's when they want to do things really badly.

[1759] Oh, for everything, we have this obsession as humans with regulating other people's bodies, minds, everything with religion, with laws.

[1760] Some of them are put in place to make sure we don't accidentally kill ourselves.

[1761] But by that same token, if you are dumb, like, we always have signs like, don't touch a live wire.

[1762] Let them touch it.

[1763] if you're dumb enough to do it well you should know you should have a sign says don't touch a live wire because it can kill you now if you read that sign you still touch the live wire that's nature doing its thing no that's what that becomes if you survive is you suing the state while the sign wasn't big enough well that's a problem it's a big problem yeah people sue we're very sue happy in this country other countries something happens to you you break a leg on a city bus your leg's just broken that's it's not someone else's problem yeah other countries don't even think about suing people over the shit that people sue for in America.

[1764] It's a weird game.

[1765] But it's also, you know, it's there to protect you.

[1766] It's there to protect you.

[1767] I think a lot just in discussions with my husband about food safety and in this country everything is so sanitized this like anodyne food system we have where everything is wrapped in plastic and refrigerated and it's all there so that a health and safety inspector can say this is okay.

[1768] You go to Europe, food is just out and people are fine.

[1769] Right.

[1770] Because companies, I think it has to do with health and safety, of course, but also liability.

[1771] So much of our regulations and rules are really put in place for liability issues making sure that somebody doesn't get sued versus your genuine concern for your safety.

[1772] Because we're so able to just, it's good and bad living in America.

[1773] You can sue if you feel you've been slighted, but you can sue not to really make a point just to make some money.

[1774] Yeah.

[1775] Yeah, it's not perfect.

[1776] It's not a perfect system.

[1777] It's also super complicated.

[1778] There's so many different rules and regulations and laws and things on the books.

[1779] And it's just If we made If we made three top rules right now We'll do four Don't be a cut Don't be a C You're gonna say C Is it the C word?

[1780] I don't like the word You don't like it?

[1781] You say it?

[1782] How about twat?

[1783] Can I say twat?

[1784] Yeah, your thing's not really old Twat Who says that?

[1785] Everybody Everybody?

[1786] Kids are saying it again It's like lit It's back?

[1787] Yeah, it's back You know what else is fresh Fresh to death?

[1788] Like that's fresh Fine or foin?

[1789] Someone's fine, he's fine, he's fine that's coming back guys don't use it though you know what never left guys don't say that girl's fine no you ever heard that no right not since like 2001 yeah guys I think it was 80s you know what I stopped never went away is cool yeah right cool's always been cool but now I feel like cool is more like when something sucks you're like cool like it's a sarcastic cool but like shoes can be cool nah people still use it the right way dope I'm partial to dope I love dope when I'm like into it I'm like that's fucking dope dope lit has come back very strong I like lit my 11 year old used lit all the time.

[1790] It's fucking lit, dad.

[1791] It shouldn't say fucking.

[1792] Have you heard Zaddy?

[1793] Zaddy.

[1794] A friend of mine is like...

[1795] Is that a Zier's daddy?

[1796] It's a non -gender binary.

[1797] No, no, it's not.

[1798] It's not.

[1799] It's like a thing that girls say.

[1800] It's like, what is it?

[1801] It's like a young daddy.

[1802] Like it's like a hot term of endearment.

[1803] Right?

[1804] It's something...

[1805] Zad.

[1806] It's like a thing that...

[1807] It's like a hot dad.

[1808] They learned it on TikTok.

[1809] I don't know.

[1810] Oh, learned it on TikTok.

[1811] I think it's a hot dad.

[1812] Probably a hot dad.

[1813] What is it?

[1814] Jamie?

[1815] The urban dictionaries.

[1816] Guy's attractive and fashionable.

[1817] That's what it is, with swag and sex appeal.

[1818] Interesting.

[1819] So, yeah, so I was wrong.

[1820] Using a sentence, you might say, I'm sorry.

[1821] Did you see that guy at the mall?

[1822] He was a total zaddy.

[1823] And then we'd be like, what's a mall?

[1824] That's from 2017.

[1825] Well, I think it's already dead.

[1826] I think that turns dead.

[1827] There's a rap song too.

[1828] I think it died.

[1829] Oh, turn that off.

[1830] Shut it down.

[1831] Just by the right.

[1832] Good Lord.

[1833] It's a rap song for it.

[1834] I'm going to leave.

[1835] Is that what you're saying?

[1836] I can stay.

[1837] You can stay.

[1838] Let's stay.

[1839] Let's talk for a lot.

[1840] all.

[1841] Okay.

[1842] Okay.

[1843] What were we just talking about before that?

[1844] Before we got into Zadis?

[1845] Oh, I was saying we should make some rules.

[1846] Right, yeah.

[1847] You were saying don't be a C. You don't like that word.

[1848] I just, I don't use it.

[1849] I don't care of it.

[1850] Twat is good.

[1851] Twat never went away.

[1852] It just didn't get that popular.

[1853] It's sort of like, um, it came like an alpha Romeo.

[1854] It's like a fringe.

[1855] Totally.

[1856] You know what I'm saying?

[1857] A totally fringe, French car.

[1858] It's not something people talk about regularly?

[1859] I'm all for like a brutal it's always funny when someone's peppers in like a brutal term for a vagina.

[1860] But it's not a vagina term.

[1861] When you say cunt, like let's...

[1862] First of all, for my friends that live in Australia like my friend Adam Green Tree he throws that thing around like it's a beach ball.

[1863] It's actually a weird adjustment for them.

[1864] They come in England too.

[1865] They come here and we're like dude bloody hell like we don't say that and that's something there.

[1866] New Zealand they have that too.

[1867] Stylebender has a t -shirt says something to about good cunt, just says good cunt.

[1868] Were you on the show the other night in the main room?

[1869] There's a kid sitting in the front row.

[1870] His shirt, in big bold letters, just said, fuck Hitler.

[1871] Oh, boy.

[1872] And I was like, I hope it's not an ironic t -shirt.

[1873] And I was like, you're obviously not Jewish.

[1874] He's like, I'm not.

[1875] And I'm like, you just, this is how strongly you feel.

[1876] And I agree with the sentiment.

[1877] I would never wear a shirt that said fuck on it.

[1878] And I was like, it's just so jarring to read fuck that big that the rest of the sentiment for me evaporates.

[1879] I just think putting curse words on your shirt is just so aggressive.

[1880] It's definitely aggressive.

[1881] I saw a guy with a T -shirt on in Vegas that said, I'm with Trump.

[1882] Fuck the rest.

[1883] And the fuck, the U and the C had been turned into asterisks.

[1884] So you had to figure out what it's set.

[1885] So like you saw.

[1886] Flick the wrist.

[1887] You saw the K and you saw the F. But what can it mean?

[1888] What's missing?

[1889] I was looking at that show.

[1890] I'm like, what in that?

[1891] It's so Las Vegas.

[1892] Oh, my God.

[1893] Those shirts and shirts that, remember, like, there was, like, this ironic t -shirt craze for a very long time that would be like, it would say, I don't only dorks wore them, it would say stuff like, the voices in my head tell me what to do.

[1894] Oh, yeah.

[1895] Or, like, uh, like sarcasm department.

[1896] Like, I'm a cool nerd.

[1897] You know what that shirt means?

[1898] You got ripped off and you bought that stupid t -shirt.

[1899] That's all it means.

[1900] That's all it means.

[1901] It means you're the type of nothing.

[1902] head that buys a self -defining t -shirt.

[1903] Like, this is my ethos.

[1904] This is who I am.

[1905] How dare you?

[1906] How dare you?

[1907] What am I wearing?

[1908] What's on this?

[1909] What are you wearing a regular shirt?

[1910] Oh, I got an aggressive shirt on.

[1911] Oh, what is it?

[1912] It might even have an F word on it.

[1913] Oh, my God.

[1914] It's a skull with a fucking, with a, oh, it says, camouflage hat.

[1915] What does it say at the top?

[1916] It says Marines never die.

[1917] They just go to hell to get, what is it?

[1918] They just go to, to hell to regroup.

[1919] Okay.

[1920] It's a vintage.

[1921] I love vintage military shirts.

[1922] So is that like a legit vintage shirt?

[1923] Yeah.

[1924] Somebody made it in the 80s and it survived in someone's basement and they brought it to the...

[1925] It's a term I've heard.

[1926] Like they never die.

[1927] They just go to whatever.

[1928] I've had the shirt for a long time and I got it from a vintage store.

[1929] I had a friend of mine that I used to work with in construction.

[1930] He had a t -shirt or a tattoo rather.

[1931] That said death before dishonor.

[1932] And some guy came up to him, was, were you in the service?

[1933] He was, no, I just always liked it.

[1934] Oh, okay.

[1935] I saw somebody Some of the guy on a set The other day was wearing it And I gave him so much shit He's just some dude I'm like, do you know what it says?

[1936] Yeah, I just liked it I'm like, what is it mean to you?

[1937] It was just a shirt My wife picked it out I'm like it's just such an aggressive statement And you're mad at him I wasn't mad You're a little mad I asked him Sound like you're mad What is this?

[1938] What is this gas lighting?

[1939] Gaslighting That's another great term I love that term I love a good gas lighting Gas lighting is weird Twat Here it goes A woman's genitals!

[1940] That's the second one.

[1941] A person regarded as stupid or obnoxious is number one.

[1942] A woman's genitals, I mean, who says sticking in my twat?

[1943] Like during sex?

[1944] That would be, that would be a nightmare.

[1945] That would be, because what's after that?

[1946] Like, where do you go from there if that's what you open with?

[1947] When a girl says put it in my con, it's got to be jarring.

[1948] Yeah, I'd be like, why am I having that?

[1949] That's charing.

[1950] Like, what is, what are you saying?

[1951] Why are you saying it like that?

[1952] Even, like, cock is so aggressive.

[1953] And sometimes you have to, but.

[1954] You can't say penis.

[1955] Right.

[1956] Put your penis in me. Right.

[1957] I used to do a bit about word cock.

[1958] It sounds like it's wearing a sombrero and carrying a gun.

[1959] Because it's cock?

[1960] Oh, it's just like, it sounds manly.

[1961] The word cock is a fucking manly word.

[1962] Like penis.

[1963] Sliv?

[1964] It's too, it's too soft.

[1965] It's penis.

[1966] You know, it's like, can I get you my penis?

[1967] Can I put my penis in your sliv?

[1968] Yeah, it's like, what do you think of my penis?

[1969] what do you think of my penis I like you like my penis penis Penis It's just like also vagina Like the girl says my vagina We think of my body It's too clinical It is but it's okay Because it's like you could have like You could A girl can say that I think I think easier I think sending a girl a dick pick And I know I'm opening a floodgate With this but try not to be an animal About it folks If you send a girl an unrequited dick pick And you just write What do you think about my penis she's going to have such a mixed back of emotions no one gets more dick picks than Whitney I told her that she needs to write like a book and publish all these just blur out everybody's face and publish all these dick picks and blur out the dicks she shares us no leave the dicks she shares them to us in this group text that I'm in with her she'll like it's me and dahlia and swarton and she'll send us these pictures that these guys send her and we're all like you gotta write a book like this is so crazy have you seen this so many There's an app that blurs out part of the picture to make it look like your dick has been blurred out.

[1970] Oh, interesting.

[1971] It's awesome.

[1972] I'll get the name.

[1973] It makes it look like your dick's hanging out.

[1974] Like if you're just sitting there and then it'll just put a blur thing next to your leg.

[1975] Did you see that one dude that they took down his photo on Instagram and all he was doing, he was wearing shorts, just a really muscular gentleman with a large hog.

[1976] And he was wearing shorts and they were like boxer briefs.

[1977] And his dick was so big that you could see it in the boxer briefs.

[1978] So Instagram took down.

[1979] his fucking photo.

[1980] A dick in briefs.

[1981] As per restriction, it is shrouded and it should be it should stand.

[1982] Shrouted.

[1983] Good way to put it.

[1984] Yeah, and it should stand.

[1985] You are on point with the vocabulary in this podcast.

[1986] I'm talking about the famous Jason DeRillo?

[1987] Yes.

[1988] Oh, that?

[1989] Yes.

[1990] Wait, I'm taking my hat off.

[1991] Did you see it?

[1992] I didn't see this.

[1993] No, I just like Googled it.

[1994] It's real recent.

[1995] And dude, the guy's got a big hog.

[1996] He's a very well -built gentleman all around, very muscular and handsome with a large hog.

[1997] Put the photo up.

[1998] Put the photo up right now.

[1999] Eliza can drool over this.

[2000] I can do it, bro.

[2001] So look at this gentleman.

[2002] First of all, what does this guy do?

[2003] He's a singer or dancer.

[2004] He's going to be in the new cats.

[2005] That's what he does?

[2006] He's going to be in the new cats?

[2007] How the fuck is a guy that manly in the...

[2008] That doesn't make sense.

[2009] But anyway, you can't see by the outline of the hog.

[2010] Oh my God.

[2011] Yeah, it's quite a hog.

[2012] Look at that.

[2013] But you know what?

[2014] It's not terribly...

[2015] You got to look for it.

[2016] It's not...

[2017] Should not have had that taken down.

[2018] What is he going to do?

[2019] You got a problem because he's got a big...

[2020] dick?

[2021] Is that really what's getting it taken down?

[2022] Who complained?

[2023] Some asshole.

[2024] He should put it back and just blur it out.

[2025] Did he put it back?

[2026] Yeah.

[2027] Did he blur it?

[2028] I don't know.

[2029] He could.

[2030] He should just put it back the way it is, really.

[2031] No, it's fine.

[2032] He should protest it.

[2033] He should.

[2034] It's nonsense.

[2035] I got no problem with that.

[2036] The guy's shredded with a large hog.

[2037] Congratulations, sir.

[2038] You're shredded with a large hog.

[2039] Yeah, he's shredded with a large hog.

[2040] It's the American dream.

[2041] It is the American dream.

[2042] You're shitting on the American dream, Instagram.

[2043] You're un -American.

[2044] If you don't like a shrouded hog.

[2045] He did cover it up?

[2046] What do you do?

[2047] He put a big cat in.

[2048] He put another dick over it.

[2049] He put a subway there.

[2050] Is this better?

[2051] That's way better.

[2052] He put a subway sandwich there.

[2053] That's fucking hilarious.

[2054] He should be congratulated on his physique as well.

[2055] That's some long hours in the gym right there.

[2056] That is some high weight, low rep commitment.

[2057] Yeah, 100%.

[2058] That dude is working out.

[2059] That dude's working out.

[2060] He's doing shit.

[2061] and showing his hog.

[2062] What is the problem, folks?

[2063] Is that what we're scared of hogs behind cloth?

[2064] Also, who says social media has to be a bastion of purity?

[2065] Yeah, right.

[2066] Twitter's not...

[2067] It's a garbage wasteland.

[2068] I love Twitter for that.

[2069] Twitter shows all kinds of fucking and sucking and chaos.

[2070] Maybe because Facebook owns it.

[2071] I don't know.

[2072] Probably, yeah.

[2073] I think they just don't want porn on it.

[2074] They don't want porn and most of like really violent images are hidden.

[2075] Like, you have to click on it to click through.

[2076] that because I follow a lot of like nature accounts and maybe today I don't want to see a baby seal club you know and it's good to know that those images are there so it's present in your mind but define porn is that porn and if his dick were small that guy's not porn right so what's where do we draw the line here Twitter would have no problem with that Twitter keeps up most things in fact they took down when Tim Dillon did that Megan McCain spoof when you ever seen that one of the best fucking things on the internet Tim Dillon as Megan McCain do you know Tim?

[2077] Mm -mm.

[2078] You don't know, Tim Dillon?

[2079] Uh -uh.

[2080] Oh, my God, he's fucking hilarious.

[2081] He's a big, heavy gay guy who does the best Megan McCain impression of all times.

[2082] He's a hilarious comic.

[2083] But you can't put a label on this guy.

[2084] He's brilliant.

[2085] And he's so fucking funny.

[2086] Pull it up for Eliza.

[2087] Look at it.

[2088] Bring it to the beginning.

[2089] Bring it to the beginning.

[2090] Give me some volume.

[2091] What's going on here?

[2092] What's holding on here?

[2093] Moment.

[2094] moments away or moments away is it not working I think what is happening no it's not fuck well I mean I get the joke no no no I need to get it harder he goes hard in the paint see if you can sort that out Jamil sort it out anyway but anyway Instagram took this down this video you can only get it on YouTube and on Twitter now Twitter left it up Twitter leaves up everything I think two of the highest forms of comedy are people falling and men dressed as women.

[2095] Oh, yeah.

[2096] It's never not funny.

[2097] Here it goes.

[2098] But bring him from the beginning.

[2099] But here's this thing.

[2100] Megan McCain blocked him on Twitter.

[2101] Well, I wouldn't love that either.

[2102] She did?

[2103] Yes, she did.

[2104] Yeah.

[2105] They've asked, someone from Megan has asked to be on this podcast, and I would have her on with Tim in a heartbeat.

[2106] Crank the volume up, please.

[2107] Before my father died, I had a baby with him.

[2108] And we're going to, it will be raised in captivity.

[2109] It'll be raised privately to be the greatest politician that has ever lived.

[2110] My name is Megan McCain and I'm on a news show called The View.

[2111] And Donald Trump, that fucking riverboat casino captain is talking shit about my father again.

[2112] My father was tortured for 100 years for this fucking country and he came back and he started seven wars because he's a gentleman.

[2113] Fuck you, Trump.

[2114] I'm going to wear my father's skin mask and I'm going to primary Trump from the right.

[2115] Come on the view, bitch.

[2116] If you're that tough, come on the view.

[2117] You wanted Alessandia.

[2118] You want this shit?

[2119] You want to fuck these tits, Trump?

[2120] You want to fuck these tits?

[2121] No, you don't.

[2122] You want to suck cock.

[2123] But I won't fuck you because the only person I'll fuck is dirty.

[2124] I'll fuck his corpse.

[2125] I'll fuck dirty's corpse.

[2126] Riverboat Casino Captain.

[2127] He's fucking genius.

[2128] He's an animal.

[2129] Funny.

[2130] And a good dude, too.

[2131] Really good dude.

[2132] What was my point?

[2133] Oh, Twitter had no problem with that.

[2134] What about freedom of speech?

[2135] Yeah, what about freedom?

[2136] speech that's funny he's being funny come on he's not inciting a riot he's not calling for anyone is it her favorite thing ever no but where do you draw the line then it's not her he's making fun of her saying things she never said it's funny it's all it is it's funny but also it's like if you're gonna get that taking it like where where is that line where is that and no one can laugh at anything now right i completely agree and who's deciding unfunny people exactly unfunny people are in charge of comedy in in studios in meetings and pitches in comedy in comedy clubs in audiences and the fate of your career rests in the hands of someone who is not qualified to handle comedy not only that the hands of someone who wants to let everyone know they're woke let everyone know they're adhering to progressive ideology let everyone know they're upholding these community standards they all decide are important inclusivity and i was reading about this girl got fired from a show but they didn't bring her back because uh she she said that she she had all these requests for people being cast on the show.

[2137] She wanted an interracial couple.

[2138] She wanted a gay character.

[2139] She wanted all these things.

[2140] And they didn't do it.

[2141] They got rid of her.

[2142] And she was complaining that they're not in favor of inclusivity.

[2143] Imagine if you wrote a show.

[2144] Just imagine if you're a writer.

[2145] You wrote a show.

[2146] You got this show.

[2147] You got this idea.

[2148] I'm going to do a shop, a coffee shop, and these people work there and have them interact with customers, some crazy stuff.

[2149] I have it all written out.

[2150] And someone who you cast, you say, okay, you're going to going to be Thelma.

[2151] You're going to be the waitress.

[2152] She's like, yes, I like that.

[2153] She gets the part.

[2154] Then she's like, I need you to have a transgender couple.

[2155] Oh, she was the actress, not the writer.

[2156] No, not the writer.

[2157] I want you to have an interracial couple.

[2158] I want you to have, I want this to be inclusive, inclusive.

[2159] And they're like, what is this lady doing?

[2160] Are you writing the show?

[2161] Are you an actor now?

[2162] I'm all for all of these things.

[2163] I think sometimes what we have to be afraid of is tokenism.

[2164] You want it always to be an organic story.

[2165] And we do have a problem with not populating our worlds with enough variety because white people see white things and people see things a certain way.

[2166] You never want the tokenism.

[2167] Like I never want to think I'm somewhere just because I'm a girl.

[2168] I want to be there because, you know, but it's tough because where do you draw that line?

[2169] For my sketch show, which comes out in the spring, for my writers, I wanted a diverse writing team because I wanted to make sure that my, that we were not so inclusive, but also that we were making a smart show that wasn't just from one point of view.

[2170] You wanted different perspectives, but you also wanted quality.

[2171] You wouldn't sacrifice quality Just to get a demographic No and so what I did was because to me this was an infallible way to do it I had all the writer's packets because people submit writing packets and samples I had their names taken off of it So that when I read your packet I was reading it and I could only base my opinion on the content of the comedy Good idea I ended up with three Jews But it really we had 28 submissions And there were some we like some we didn't we know we narrowed it down But I never knew what the person's name was or what they looked like until I said I like it and we scheduled a meeting.

[2172] Good for you.

[2173] That's smart.

[2174] That's a great way to do it.

[2175] That's a meritocracy.

[2176] That's what you really want.

[2177] And the thing about this inclusivity, it's like, yes, you want a world where everyone gets a chance, but you don't want a quality of outcome.

[2178] It doesn't work that way.

[2179] What you want is people to rise to the top.

[2180] And when you're dealing with, like, mathematics, you're going to get a lot of European Jews, right?

[2181] You've got a lot of Asian people.

[2182] Why?

[2183] Because they've studied that, like, pretty extensively in their countries.

[2184] It's been a part of their heritage for a long time.

[2185] It doesn't mean that, like, you're, you're being discriminatory against Italian Americans.

[2186] It just means, like, these are the people, for whatever reason, that are more invested in that particular way of thinking.

[2187] And we can begin to create opportunities and ways into things so that in 20 years, maybe it is, oh, everybody goes to see whatever ethnicity of doctor.

[2188] We can create these opportunities, but nobody wants to sacrifice performance just for that.

[2189] But that's why go out of your way to include someone, but it can't be, like, we're just man. dating things.

[2190] And that's for women.

[2191] That's for anything.

[2192] I want to be somewhere because I'm good.

[2193] Yeah, yeah, 100%.

[2194] We want to concentrate on is having people have the quality of opportunity to explore different things that they want to do.

[2195] And that should be there.

[2196] And there should be programs created.

[2197] And sometimes you do have to say, well, we need to take X amount of this many types of people to create that.

[2198] But if you're given the chance and you do well, you're even that much of more of a hidden gem.

[2199] I always say this with when girls, I see like a lot of girls get upset like and I can't get on this show and I can't do this and that but when you do get on a lineup and you fucking crush you're the one everyone's going to talk about so when you're given this opportunity to fucking nail it like it might be hard getting in there but when you have that chance you can't use things as a stepping stone woman and as a crutch the next so just know that like if you're the only girl in a lineup for example and I'm speaking from a world that I live in not for anything else and you fuck up people are going to think all women are like that because you were the sample I would prefer them to not think about at all just think about being the best that they can be.

[2200] Don't, don't concentrate on your gender at all.

[2201] Don't, but I think it's something that's always brought up and put in our faces.

[2202] So if you have to, just know that if and when you do succeed and you are good or just as good, people will remember how great you were.

[2203] And you will shine more than just like the other average dude, the 12 dudes that were on there.

[2204] Well, I think that's one of the good things about comedy communities is that when people are good, they get respect.

[2205] It is merit -based.

[2206] Like I said, there's no brilliant comic out there not getting any credit.

[2207] Yeah, whether it's Ali Wong crushing or you or, you know, name the woman, Whitney.

[2208] Name a woman who's good.

[2209] When they're killing, they're killing because they're a great comic and everybody gives them props.

[2210] It's not this thing where like the men are versus the women are.

[2211] And by the way, to do the men, but to say the guy thing, if you are a mediocre, like male comic, especially now, you're not going anywhere.

[2212] Because there's so many people doing comedy and the odds are so against you, you've got to fucking bring it and that gets rewarded.

[2213] Yeah, for sure.

[2214] We've all had to up our games because it's just so much, it's something.

[2215] popular now.

[2216] Yeah, it's exciting, though.

[2217] I love the competition.

[2218] It's a great time for all of us.

[2219] It really is.

[2220] It's just comics are more in control.

[2221] You can make more comedy.

[2222] There are more opportunities.

[2223] When I started in comedy, I'm like, nobody paid you for spots.

[2224] And now you get paid.

[2225] The comedy started it, but like small shows, nobody gave you money.

[2226] There weren't that many.

[2227] I remember I had to run one.

[2228] There's so much more out there.

[2229] So you've got to go and carve that out for yourself because it's definitely there for the taking.

[2230] Yeah, it would be interesting if there was a service that let people figure out like how to start off as an open micer like a like an LA base service like if you pay like five bucks a month they'll give you a newsletter that shows you where all the different spots are and yeah or it should be a little harder or figure it out yeah figure it out and then once you figured it out you got it and or it's your friends ask I was around there are shows my husband always jokes because we pass a Baja fresh I'm like I did a spot there once like An abandoned CVS, I did a spot there.

[2231] Like, there are shows, comedy is going on everywhere.

[2232] A lot of coffee shops, right?

[2233] Yeah.

[2234] I went to see a poetry slam once.

[2235] Did you ever see a poetry slam?

[2236] It's so weird.

[2237] It's so weird.

[2238] They take it so seriously.

[2239] They take it so seriously.

[2240] It's one of the most pretentious forms of entertainment that's ever been created.

[2241] Well, that like staccato speaking.

[2242] Yeah.

[2243] Doesn't mean you can't be good at it.

[2244] But in terms of overall pretentious levels.

[2245] level, it's probably the highest percentage ever.

[2246] Yes.

[2247] You hear people that are saying that you should do that now.

[2248] You should wave jazz hands because some folks have a real problem with loud noises.

[2249] And if you clap when you like something, it hurts their ears.

[2250] Got to be kinder, more gentle.

[2251] I have noticed younger people snap, which I think I did a college gig five years ago.

[2252] And I was like, okay, it's not, it doesn't feel as validating as uproarious applause, but.

[2253] That's like from the 50s.

[2254] The beat.

[2255] They would do with jazz clubs.

[2256] Yeah.

[2257] Yeah, man. Good job.

[2258] It's very, it's cool.

[2259] And when girls do it, I'm like, yeah, I'm cool.

[2260] I'm young, cool, girl, too.

[2261] I'm young and cool.

[2262] It's like, it's also a competition.

[2263] How loud can your snap be?

[2264] Is it based on skin thickness?

[2265] I don't know what it's based on.

[2266] Yeah, because your hands are thicker than mine and I have little cricket snips.

[2267] Someone's listening to this, just loading a shotgun.

[2268] What the fuck do you snap into my ears for?

[2269] At a Swedish plate shop.

[2270] Yeah, there's different kinds of snaps too, right?

[2271] Isn't there one like you can go across like the top of your thumb with like your second finger instead of this is like a dude thing like how dudes like different whistles or what's this thing yeah that's the one they do what is that I'm afraid I'm gonna lose what is that what is that supposed to be like honestly I don't think everyone's doing it but it's it imitates packing a dip like the dipkin oh yeah that's it's exactly what it looks like my fingers don't make noise that way my fingers don't make noise that way they make noise that way they make noise that way that good I probably not doing it good things to remember arm farts those were huge when you were a kid make arm farts everybody figures that out my kids figured it out they thought they were so smart I'm like bitch I've been doing that forever you're just trapping oxygen or this like yeah hand farts yeah it's just a dry fuck yeah ugh ooh old people old people that can get that whistle that's so ear piercing without doing anything though they can just like hold their lips in a way I can't whistle with the left so I suck on my fingers I have to put fingers two in each side See I always want to do the finger whistle I can't I have to do this one I won't do it But you did it Well not really It gets real loud A whistle reserve for calling dogs Yeah Gunner Brickston Right And then you do it Or when you want your significant other In the bedroom to fuck Right?

[2272] I guess Let out that whistle Like it's time Do you need the whistle?

[2273] No You can have a drum set I could literally just be like Babe You'd be like Is it time to fuck?

[2274] You said my name Come on, let's go.

[2275] I'm always ready.

[2276] I'm always ready.

[2277] Rock hard.

[2278] Yeah, guys that turned out and sucks.

[2279] I've heard girls talk about that.

[2280] That, like, you know, that they're the ones who wanted it.

[2281] And the guy was always saying no. I was like, you're dating a guy.

[2282] Or he had herpes.

[2283] Or he's, whoa, interesting.

[2284] Think about it.

[2285] Great.

[2286] He's like, oh, not today.

[2287] I definitely, I've had people talk about that.

[2288] I'm like, he had herpes.

[2289] Wow, good point.

[2290] And by the way, if he's, Having sex with the intermittent, like I think there's also that.

[2291] Like, he's, it's uncomfortable.

[2292] Right.

[2293] Most people have it, so that's probably what it is.

[2294] Or he's coming down from, like, doing too much coke.

[2295] Yeah, or there's that.

[2296] A lot of people.

[2297] I feel like she would know.

[2298] I mean, I don't.

[2299] Maybe.

[2300] It was a huge hypothetical.

[2301] I dated a girl and I didn't know she was a Cokehead.

[2302] Didn't know until after I dated her.

[2303] I didn't date her a lot.

[2304] Like, I saw her rarely.

[2305] She seemed pretty normal.

[2306] You could conceal that drug.

[2307] Just like late nights.

[2308] Like, I've got a friend who's a total Cokehead.

[2309] but other than the fact that she talks really fast.

[2310] You didn't know?

[2311] No, no, I do know, but you wouldn't know.

[2312] Oh.

[2313] One wouldn't know.

[2314] Well, that's that.

[2315] What Adderall is, is people that, like, have an affinity towards that kind of thing, and they can do it every day.

[2316] That's a, that is a giant problem, that's, that drug.

[2317] And you see people that have, when they're on it, they have this, uh, unfounded self image, like, unfounded belief in themselves.

[2318] like delusional belief in themselves it's very it's a very strange drug it's like hubris and pill form yep it takes away all of your inhibition is about expressing how good you are at things and everyone else sucks you find you know you find all these faults in people you don't find any in yourself you have unfounded confidence in your ability to get things done like it's a weird drug it's a weird drug and a lot of fucking people are on it but how good is scarface oh it's so good to this day And I don't even think his accent.

[2319] Everyone thinks the accent's bad.

[2320] I think it's great.

[2321] It doesn't sound totally Cuban.

[2322] It's exactly what a Cuban person sounds like.

[2323] Maybe.

[2324] I know a lot of, I mean, Joey Diaz doesn't sound like that.

[2325] But he's an American person.

[2326] It's not, it doesn't, it's, it's off.

[2327] It's off for sure, but.

[2328] But it's really good.

[2329] To find a generation of impressions.

[2330] Yeah.

[2331] Oh, yeah.

[2332] It's, it's an off impression, but it's a really good off impression.

[2333] Has influenced almost every rapper.

[2334] Oh, yeah.

[2335] Do you remember the Curb Your Enthusiasm episode where Crazy Eyes Killer had Larry David over his house and he's played Scarface 24 -7 on this big screen?

[2336] It's like a Bible, yeah.

[2337] But.

[2338] I mean, it was one of the ghetto boys, Scarface.

[2339] But it's an American tale.

[2340] Yes, it is.

[2341] What he did.

[2342] Sure, yeah.

[2343] Got the girl came from nothing.

[2344] Yeah.

[2345] And made his way up.

[2346] Yeah, even how he came over here.

[2347] I mean, it is an American tale.

[2348] He came to the land of opportunity.

[2349] And he had it until Miami, Pete.

[2350] fucking shot him up.

[2351] Have you ever seen Cocaine Cowboys?

[2352] Uh -uh.

[2353] Oh my goodness.

[2354] One of the best documentaries of all time.

[2355] My friend Billy Corbyn made it.

[2356] Cocaine Cowboys won and Cocaine Cowboys too.

[2357] Billy's been on the podcast a few times.

[2358] He makes a bunch of different documentaries, but those two are just fucking gems.

[2359] It shows you how goddamn crazy Miami was in the 1980s.

[2360] There was one year where the Police Academy, the graduating class, half of them were murdered, and the other half of them went to jail.

[2361] They went to jail for corruption.

[2362] It was just Coke everywhere.

[2363] All these pilots talking about Coke, all these hitmen.

[2364] They got hit men on film talking about all the shit they did.

[2365] It is a crazy documentary.

[2366] It's a brutal drug.

[2367] Well, it's also what defined Miami.

[2368] I mean, there's my buddy Steve was an ophthalmologist.

[2369] Shout out to Steve Graham.

[2370] He was an ophthalmologist during his residency.

[2371] He was in Miami in the emergency room.

[2372] And he would tell me about dudes, just horrific wounds.

[2373] Yeah, just all this, to the face.

[2374] Just everyone's getting fucked up and shot and stabbed.

[2375] It's like, oh, I thought you meant just from Coke, like just from doing so much of it, getting into your whole face.

[2376] People murdering people.

[2377] Sure.

[2378] I mean, it was a goddamn war zone.

[2379] Still is.

[2380] I mean, not still is, but still is a war, like just the trafficking of it and what that does to our neighbors to the south.

[2381] Have you ever seen the video of the Coast Guard pulling over the Mexican submarine that's filled with cocaine?

[2382] Yeah.

[2383] And they jump on top of it and bang on the lid and how the guy's opening up.

[2384] It's such an ex -machina moment.

[2385] Like, who's the guy banging on that?

[2386] We all want to bang on a floating submarine.

[2387] Jump, and be the kind of man that has the balls to jump on a submarine while it's moving through the ocean.

[2388] Yeah, that's fucking...

[2389] That's a savage move.

[2390] That's lit.

[2391] That's lit as fuck.

[2392] All that stuff could be avoided if it was legal.

[2393] If it was legal, he'd be buying, again, you'd be buying fucking Coca -Cola cocaine.

[2394] Which is what our grandparents had.

[2395] Yeah.

[2396] Legalize it, sanitize it, regulate it, tax it.

[2397] Bob's your uncle.

[2398] Yeah.

[2399] Do you know that they still use cocaine to make the flavor?

[2400] for Coca -Cola?

[2401] I challenge that.

[2402] A Coca -leaf, maybe?

[2403] Coca -leaf, that's what I'm saying.

[2404] But not cocaine.

[2405] They actually take the Coca -leaf.

[2406] But cocaine is the byproduct of a Coca -leaf.

[2407] Exactly.

[2408] You're correct.

[2409] They take the Coca -leaf, they extract the cocaine, and then it's the number one medical supplier of medical cocaine takes that stuff from the coca leaves that they convert into the flavonoids that they use for Coca -Cola.

[2410] No, Coca -Cola.

[2411] That's why it tastes so good.

[2412] It tastes so good.

[2413] It's so good.

[2414] They did this experiment where they put some Coca -Cola.

[2415] on the floor and then diet coke and bugs wouldn't go near the diet coke yeah but that's because it doesn't have sugar in it bugs are stupid i don't think so i think it's i think it's whatever they put in the diet coke yeah but they probably wouldn't go down the floor for water either they know what sugar is i feel like they were sugar works for them yeah but sugar works for them i'm just saying if a bug doesn't want it but you know how you get like flavor from sugar bugs don't necessarily get flavor they're they're going to it because they're probably attracted to the smell of it because they know it's going to be effective for whatever they're trying to do.

[2416] I'm just saying the Diet Coke repelled them.

[2417] I prefer it, though.

[2418] I prefer the taste of Diet Coke.

[2419] It's lighter.

[2420] I like a Diet Coke on occasion with a little bit of lemon.

[2421] Oh, how about some lime?

[2422] Are you racist against limes?

[2423] Yeah.

[2424] Big time.

[2425] That's where I draw my line.

[2426] Everything else I was okay with, but this, we got a real problem.

[2427] If you get sparkly water, they ask you if you want limes.

[2428] You get regular water.

[2429] Always get lime.

[2430] Yes.

[2431] Which is actually kind of hard to find outside of the country.

[2432] The lime.

[2433] It depends on that.

[2434] You go to a lot of countries, they're like, we have lemon.

[2435] I'm like, lemon, it's not the same, but some people just don't have limes.

[2436] Yeah, they don't get it.

[2437] Fucking losers.

[2438] Yeah.

[2439] Get some limes in your lives.

[2440] Get some limes.

[2441] If you can grow lemons, you can grow limes.

[2442] Not true.

[2443] No?

[2444] No. Different soil?

[2445] It's just different.

[2446] Is it?

[2447] Yeah, you see a lot of lemon trees in L .A. You don't see any lime trees.

[2448] Maybe it's because people suck.

[2449] Maybe, I think we have an aversion to delicious things here.

[2450] Really?

[2451] I really feel like there's so many fruits that we sleep on.

[2452] Like what?

[2453] Like durian?

[2454] I have some in my house right now Does it stink It stinks?

[2455] It stinks at my freezer It's freeze dried I brought it home Did you like it?

[2456] I liked it fresh there I thought it was really cool But I do it as like a party trick Just to watch people's faces contort Mangosteen Super tasty Mangostin Jujubes Which is I found out recently An actual fruit not just a candy Really?

[2457] Dry jujubee It will change your life And I brought it to set And all the Asian girls were like Yeah my grandma uses them And I'd never heard of it And we just What do we have apples And fucking grapes Sometimes we have melon A little bit of melon, cantaloupe perhaps Everybody thinks it's funny to shit on melons I love can'talot Honey do?

[2458] Dude, I love them When it's hot out A cold cantaloupe Might be one of the best fucking things You can eat in your life Barbara Streisand once said Her definition of luxury was not having to scoop down To the skin in a cantalope Like not having to go deep She's a wasteful bitch It is tasty though She's probably throwing straws in the ocean too Right off her balcony To the fucking own Fuck these turtles Ah People I went around last night at the comedy store, I was like, why is everyone having a straw?

[2459] Men shouldn't use straw?

[2460] If you need a straw, great.

[2461] What about women?

[2462] Can women use it?

[2463] You know what?

[2464] Your lipstick's not that sacred, but then the lipstick, you're crushing up bugs, you're wasting it, I don't know.

[2465] What about paper straws?

[2466] Do you need a straw?

[2467] Let's say that you are not medically incapacitated in any form.

[2468] Do you need a straw other than a smoothie?

[2469] I do, because it's a good way to make a point.

[2470] What's the point?

[2471] So, like, if I have a straw in here, and I go, well, maybe you should get your shit together.

[2472] I'm going to suck on the straw.

[2473] we started it's like it's like uh when the old time you guys would take a hit on the cigar and i told uh get the fuck out of my room it's a good punctuation yeah i would argue a gurgly sip like i started this this conversation with is equally as shady right like oh and maybe you should eat my shit it is just good so it's actually kind of better no more straws but more you're you're guiding your face no straws are good and they're good for a reason it's a good way to suck liquid through quickly.

[2474] You don't have to tilt your fucking hand back like a savage.

[2475] You can just pull in the straw.

[2476] Really like savages drink tea with their pinkies up?

[2477] Is that a savage thing?

[2478] The issue is biodegradable plastic.

[2479] It's very possible.

[2480] You make it with hemp fiber.

[2481] It's not hard.

[2482] They know how to do it.

[2483] It literally goes back in the earth in 80 days.

[2484] That's the thing.

[2485] They know how to do a lot of these things and we don't because it doesn't make money or people don't.

[2486] They want to maximize their profitability now.

[2487] There's a giant business making plastic straws.

[2488] They can shift.

[2489] over to making hemp plastic it's it's really not that hard easily and what it kills me is people like look no straw i'm like but the whole cup is plastic these are just saying we waste a lot of these things you got a yeti that thing is awesome yeah i have one pretty good can i have one of yours too i was hoping to get a free one for you great 100 % it's got my face on it in my gift bag drinking your coffee i've gotten one before so i'd like another one did you give it away did you gift it what did I do with it I have it I think I just have two um The plastic lids on Starbucks cups, those got to be a problem.

[2490] It's a huge problem.

[2491] You can't do it with paper, right?

[2492] Plastic bottled water.

[2493] Yeah, that's ridiculous.

[2494] Who the fuck would buy that?

[2495] It is ridiculous.

[2496] It is outrageous.

[2497] Who bought it?

[2498] No one's that thirsty.

[2499] We're telling Jason Momoa.

[2500] If he comes here, he's going to shame us all.

[2501] Tell him, I said hi.

[2502] Some sort of water like in a can.

[2503] He sells water in a can.

[2504] Oh, that's why he's shaming it?

[2505] Oh, fucking.

[2506] I thought he was just virtuous.

[2507] Yeah, I didn't know that either.

[2508] I just have a filter in my house and I just drink the tap water.

[2509] I do too But we should get some sort of a big jug Yeah definitely You have the beautiful coffee machine The Laird Hamilton Superfood coffee machine Yeah get a Laird Hamilton superfood water machine I don't think it works like that Yeah ask him We just get something He lives in the water He does He can hook it up Yeah We just need to get some sort of glass containers To keep him on the table Oh if only we had a container I know I have to I am the Lorex And I just I'm just doing my part Speaking for the trees I remember that movie I remember that book too From when I was a little kid The movie was actually pretty good The movie was great The message is great I drive a 2009 Honda Civic Hybrid Because I don't want to Get a new car And it's a hybrid And that's the part that I'm doing I know you've had that same car forever I always shit on you for it I love it You got money lady Get yourself a fat ride You should get yourself an old Cadillac A big purple one Or maybe a Lincoln with suicide doors Who How about that dark Pimp my ride I can pick up Many chicks.

[2510] Now we're talking.

[2511] Go Lesbo.

[2512] We get a dark purple with a metallic flake.

[2513] No, Lincoln, a big old four -door continental with suicide doors.

[2514] I could get like a Cadillac and I could get like a Cadillac emblem like tattooed on me. And I could get like old English font.

[2515] Yeah.

[2516] Get one on your neck.

[2517] Yeah, I could get it there and I could start finger blasting chicks.

[2518] Oh, you're going to do that too?

[2519] Yeah.

[2520] Call me Zaddy.

[2521] Okay.

[2522] I'm going to keep.

[2523] Jesus.

[2524] See, you were talking about finger blasts.

[2525] and I panicked.

[2526] I'm going to keep the Hanna Civic Hybrid until the wheels.

[2527] I just bought a $700 alternator.

[2528] Why are you still, honestly, why do you still have that?

[2529] Just to see how long it'll last?

[2530] No, for those reasons.

[2531] Do you like to pull into the comic store and feel better than people?

[2532] Because you're helping?

[2533] I would love to show everyone how powerful I am with a nice car.

[2534] You could afford a nice car, Leah.

[2535] I mean, how much you make.

[2536] It's a hybrid and I don't need a new car.

[2537] We live in this society that, you know, you're always trying to posture and show off things, and that's fine if a car is your thing, but that's just a way that I, choose to help good for you that's it well you're right you know if you want to like be a conserver of resources like you're absolutely conserving resources by driving that old shitty car but i think you work hard he deserve a fat ride i'm talking about like a 2020 corvette with your name does nothing for me pink like a vagina a corvette whoa come on chrome wheels fuzzy dice let's go who are you talking to have we met how about a truck how about a truck with giant jacked up wheels like a dude with a little dick yo how about you get one of those you say that but like like the lesbian part of me wants a fucking truck get one how much lesbian do you think you have in you just that truck just a truck like and I don't want to kiss a woman but I do want that truck okay you don't have to kiss her she can just kiss you I don't want that and that's cool if like those are that's the way you are I don't but trucks just being from Texas like my brother's got a nice truck there's something about being something about a truck let's just pretend that you decided to get rid of that shit no i wouldn't well dodge rand rame makes a nice truck dodge ram makes a very extended cabs fuck yeah they got that big screen too i like they have a great dash set up now is there a hybrid truck 20 models here's the thing it would be a waste communist that's what i'm asking for no get with them cyber trucks i got nothing to put in the bed get the Elon musk cyber truck that ugly what how dare you that thing's amazing I live up a very narrow Some guy next to me is a Hummer But I live up a very narrow dirt road What does the Hummer do?

[2538] Just fucking jack everybody's cars He drives by It just fucking sits there Covered in one of those like military flaps That looks like it has fake leaves on it There you go Dodge Ram with the fender flares And big old fucking tires on it There's got to be 35 inch tires Right Jamie Is that a zipper on the front Of the grill?

[2539] That looks like a zipper No that's a LED lights Oh that's necessary It is necessary if you go off -roading How dare you My first boyfriend in high school had a Dodge Ram with a lift kit And it was No, but it was I mean people were kind of like this But it was like a serious truck Fuck yeah A lift kit while it's super Florida Georgia line and like a little white trash I don't know When we played Florida We rented like a big Ford truck They're great It's fun to do in the right context But I don't need that Well listen This truck's now that you drive That drive amazing Like a Ford Raptor Ford Raptors are super comfortable because there's a lot of travel in the wheels like the wheels like absorb potholes because they're supposed to be like they're off -road vehicles so they handle bumps better than anything super comfortable to drive that's if you're concerned about the person sitting in the back which I seldom am carrying anyone so as long as my front is comfortable sitting in the back sitting in the back of a truck like my brother's truck like you leave and your neck's all jacked up because the shocks are shit it's a nice car but like it doesn't feel great no Raptor absorbs shit it's actually pretty comfortable you can drive over like crazy rugged terrain at very fast speeds.

[2540] I am watching America fall like Rome.

[2541] I'm watching our world fall and I don't need a new car.

[2542] I get it.

[2543] And so I just admit that.

[2544] But I do buy other things that are nice.

[2545] I've got my money in other ways.

[2546] I believe you.

[2547] I believe you.

[2548] Listen, I'm not shaming you.

[2549] No, no. I'm a little bit.

[2550] But not really.

[2551] I'm just making fun of you.

[2552] It's okay.

[2553] You're a shitty fucking car.

[2554] I'll take the living.

[2555] How about that?

[2556] With no air conditioning and no...

[2557] Old school.

[2558] How would you get an old school hot rod?

[2559] And just be hot?

[2560] driving around one of those with a stick shift rumbling a stick shift yeah whistling out the window at girls hey pack of cigarettes rolled up in your sleeve hey watch me pack this dip whoa check it out hookers that's it even the way you said hookers like you're really committing i hit trash cans with my car do you oh yeah oh you so you love the fact that your car's kind of a beater i don't go out of my way but i'm not concerned about it and more importantly i'm not trying to attract women or posture as anything so I don't need a nice car I don't it's okay yeah it's okay you hate America yeah you hate cars that's what it is but what if someone gave you a dope car like what kind of car would someone like if some someone's like happy birthday Eliza I think a Tesla makes the most sense because of the emissions and everything yeah I don't want to I have one I know I saw you pull in it's dope I love a big SUV you know what I always wanted throw that fucking Honda right in the garbage if you ever drove my car oh I would gift it to someone the Honda my assistant who has the same car but mine's a hybrid hers isn't and your car's stinky i'm only uh i always wanted a g wagon those are dope not not uh it's not a it's not responsible not responsible but what if you want to go to war and you need something that has three lockers three locking differentials you need a of course it's a german car they're like this is necessary it's very necessary i probably just drive out of town good move i'd be the first to go if we went to war the new ones are weird because the new g wagons aren't really a military vehicle anymore It's just a really nice Mercedes with very heavy metal door.

[2561] Well, and you have to get the AMG package.

[2562] Of course.

[2563] And if you don't, then it's like, it's like you got a three series.

[2564] Whoa.

[2565] Is there anything wrong with a three series?

[2566] Who are you?

[2567] I'm just saying.

[2568] I thought you were the girl who owns the 2002 Honda and you're shitting on people with a three series?

[2569] Yeah.

[2570] How dare you?

[2571] Why?

[2572] I just feel like it's hypocritical a little bit.

[2573] I don't think so.

[2574] Three series is a nice car.

[2575] I'm making a point with mine.

[2576] Three series is, my dad got this for me. And it's like a dipping a toe in luxury.

[2577] Oh, I see what you're saying.

[2578] BMW 3 series is what my friends got when they were 16.

[2579] I had a blazer.

[2580] Did you really?

[2581] Yeah, I drove that thing all the way to.

[2582] Sheffy Blazers, the shit.

[2583] It was a, it was all the bells and whistles.

[2584] It was awesome.

[2585] It had a little splash decal.

[2586] Why did Chevy stop making?

[2587] Like, they have a Tahoe.

[2588] It's like the McRib.

[2589] Like, they take away things that people love.

[2590] Oh, why why did they do that?

[2591] Like, they're bringing back to Bronco.

[2592] Ford has a 20 -20 -Bronco.

[2593] It's fucking dope.

[2594] But you want an old Bronco.

[2595] You don't want the new one.

[2596] You want like that, the look of the old one.

[2597] What is that piece of shit?

[2598] What is that?

[2599] That's the new blazer Get the fuck out of here That's not a blazer That's terrible It's got like a shitty body That's terrible How is that a blazer That's a blazer?

[2600] It looks like a Lexus Not there's anything wrong with it But they're ripping off the Lexus grill Well the front looks like a range over to me But dude that is a Lexus grill Look at how that grill is Now go to Lexus LS 570 Or LX 570 Look at that grill and see the shape of that grill Lexus LX 570 Now check this out Look at the grill on that Same fucking grill That's the same grill Oh I like You bitches stole a grill Now did you make a grandma car Out of a goddamn blazer But you stole the grill Now go to 2024 A grandma car SUV Lexus is a grandma car Those 570s are the shit Whatever Those things are legitimate You can have a lit grandma No one's offroading in a Lexus You can though Do you know that's the same base As a Toyota Land Cruiser Yeah I did know It's the same check Massey?

[2601] Everything's a same.

[2602] Is that what we trying to tell me?

[2603] It lifts up.

[2604] It actually has a button when you can lift to go off -roading.

[2605] It has locking differentials.

[2606] Yeah, but my Honda Civic Hybrid has a CD player.

[2607] That's it.

[2608] Look, see the guys are off -roading.

[2609] This fucking Lexus.

[2610] People have done it.

[2611] There's actually a motor -tron video.

[2612] No, it's a motor -troning.

[2613] They're not off -roading.

[2614] They got lost.

[2615] No, they're showing you the capabilities of this amazing platform.

[2616] It's amazing piece of machinery.

[2617] How dare you?

[2618] Pull up 2020 -Four -Bronco, though.

[2619] That's legit.

[2620] The 2020 Ford Bronco is not like that shitty blazer.

[2621] The 2020 Ford Broncos Legit It's a legit beautiful vehicle And people are already starting Like to develop Customizing kits You got it?

[2622] Check this out This is America Jamie, you're killing me here with the suspense The legit picture Because they've had Those fake pictures For a long time You might be right I think they do have Some legit pictures though Maybe just renders Let me see I'm on the This is a Ford .com Going to Ford .com Oh okay there you go Are these all your cars in a garage?

[2623] Those are mine.

[2624] Oh, I didn't know there was a garage in here.

[2625] They haven't premiered it yet.

[2626] They haven't shown it yet.

[2627] Oh, really?

[2628] Yeah, so there's no...

[2629] Oh, so all those pictures are fake?

[2630] Yeah.

[2631] But they're definitely, at least no, kind of what it looks like.

[2632] I think there's been leaks.

[2633] Let's see leaked Ford Bronco picks.

[2634] Leaked nude Ford Bronco picks.

[2635] There's one that they released, though, if I remember correctly.

[2636] Well, that was their website and says they're not showing anything until spring.

[2637] Oh.

[2638] This is a C -net, everything we know, I mean, they could show fake iPhones.

[2639] Oh, okay.

[2640] That's pretty slick, though.

[2641] If that comes out looking like that, I'm in.

[2642] That's a cool car.

[2643] I have a 72.

[2644] Have you ever seen mine?

[2645] I'll show you.

[2646] I'm your friend.

[2647] Yeah, I love those old Broncos, though.

[2648] There's something about them.

[2649] It's just like a time machine.

[2650] Yeah, they're cool.

[2651] It's like a very Americana.

[2652] Next time we're at the store, you come sent in my Civic.

[2653] I've got leather seats.

[2654] Oh, my God.

[2655] Animals died for your seats.

[2656] That's kind of fucked up.

[2657] Kind of monster, are you?

[2658] Just a regular American.

[2659] Oh, yeah?

[2660] Is your, uh, your headliner made out of, like, make dicks?

[2661] I don't have a headliner.

[2662] What are you talking about?

[2663] The top of, you do, the inside of the car.

[2664] Oh, it's definitely felt.

[2665] It's not a fully leather.

[2666] I'm not driving a cow.

[2667] It's like some sort of felt.

[2668] Some sort of felt.

[2669] It's in pristine condition.

[2670] I believe you.

[2671] Um, it's already 3 o 'clock.

[2672] Believe it or not.

[2673] You're gonna crawl back over the hill.

[2674] Yeah.

[2675] We had a good fucking time.

[2676] I love you.

[2677] I love you, I love you, too.

[2678] I love every opportunity I get to see you at the store.

[2679] I love you too.

[2680] We're friends.

[2681] I'm glad we're friends.

[2682] Tell everybody about your special Called Unveiled And it's currently Streaming on Netflix For the last like two weeks Yeah It should be on your homepage If not Feel free to look for it It's pretty fucking metal There's blood There's fire And it's the only special out there Like it Eliza Slesinger Ladies and gentlemen Hala at your boy Bye everybody Goodbye