#11 - Ari Shaffir

[0] Record, start, broadcast, live.

[1] Are we on the air?

[2] Yes.

[3] Ladies and gentlemen, I'm trying to figure out how we're on the air, because I'm, I'm looking.

[4] There we go, bitches.

[5] What is this, week 10 or some shit?

[6] How many weeks we've been doing?

[7] That's 11.

[8] Unute your laugh atop.

[9] It's so funny, because after going through all the old podcasts, every beginning of every single podcast, I'm like, mute your lap.

[10] You think I would know that from, from the opportunity into Art Bell.

[11] You know, the Art Bell show?

[12] Please turn off your radio.

[13] Right.

[14] Yeah, that's right.

[15] An O &A, too.

[16] People always call off.

[17] They get that feedback.

[18] Well, they're listening to themselves, and then they're listening to themselves, and then they're, so it's like a nonsense conversation.

[19] They want to hear themselves on the radio.

[20] They're like, just be in the moment.

[21] Record it with my cell phone.

[22] Turn up that radio.

[23] Fortunately, this is very different.

[24] But, yeah, I guess we want to hear ourselves broadcast.

[25] So we got a show this weekend at the Tempe Improv, almost sold out, so if you're watching.

[26] Yeah, Saturday Night sold out of radio.

[27] There's only a few tickets left for the late show.

[28] Friday night is on its way.

[29] And once we get in and you press on Thursday, so if you want to come in and you want to see the show, Bazo's 10thmi's always fun.

[30] Because Ari Sheffir's in dead punch.

[31] And they let us drink now, too.

[32] Dead punch is a pool term.

[33] Yeah, I remember.

[34] It took me a second.

[35] Dead stroke.

[36] That's a hanger.

[37] Pool terminology.

[38] Why is that on?

[39] Do you guys keep doing this to each other?

[40] No, it just started by itself.

[41] It unmoody.

[42] On both years?

[43] Oh, you know what it is?

[44] I got it on both things.

[45] I got it on this U -stream window, too.

[46] And Brian is redoing my website in doing so.

[47] It's fucking master genius self.

[48] He's put the U -stream actually on jo -rogan .net.

[49] So if you go to the web page, there's a little corner link that says live webcam, so you can see it right from there.

[50] It's going to get better.

[51] It's going to get better.

[52] And it's on iTunes now, too.

[53] You can find the official Joe Rogan podcast, or is it just a Joe Rogan podcast.

[54] It's called.

[55] Joe Rogan podcast.

[56] And it's on iTunes.

[57] So you can get that shit.

[58] Or if you have Zoom, you could go to your website and download the MP3s.

[59] Yeah, if you're one of those Zoom dudes, it just hates Apple so much.

[60] You had to get one of the goofiest fucking devices ever.

[61] Unless it does anything better, there's no need for another one.

[62] What's Zoom?

[63] It's the Microsoft version of the iPod.

[64] Oh.

[65] And the people that prefer it, you can tell they're like super Windows heads.

[66] Really?

[67] People that just love Windows.

[68] Because that's mad denial.

[69] Especially the old Zoom.

[70] Do you remember ever using that where it's like a fake spin wheel, like it pushed it down?

[71] It was awful.

[72] It clicked up and down.

[73] It was retarded.

[74] I guess the new one's not bad.

[75] I guess they probably couldn't use the technology, right?

[76] Didn't you say that Apple is suing people for the technology in their iPhone?

[77] Yeah, Android devices and Sprint devices, they're all fucked right now because they own, or Apple owns like 20 of the patents that all these new cell phones are using.

[78] That's why you have a phone like the Android or the Android, you're like, wow, it has pinched to zoom just like the iPhone.

[79] Well, yeah, Apple owns all these patents, so Android might be hurting.

[80] Android, even Palm, might be hurting because their new phones are all really just pretty much stealing all of Apple's shit.

[81] Wow, that would be nuts.

[82] The only one that's not in trouble right now, I guess, is the new Windows 7 phone.

[83] Why?

[84] They don't use the patents?

[85] They haven't, they were really smart not to use any patents.

[86] They have their own shit load of patents.

[87] You know, the problem is pinch to Zoom.

[88] There's no better way to do it.

[89] There really isn't.

[90] No. There has, but I'm sure there could be, like, a way that you can make, like, circle to zoom, you know, and it's square to head.

[91] You're going to be the same.

[92] Circle?

[93] Come on, man. You want to be able to pinch it.

[94] Yeah, but what if you wanted to zoom on the part?

[95] You could just put a little circle around.

[96] Mm -hmm.

[97] Like, Zoom now?

[98] No. No?

[99] No, I want to do this.

[100] Yeah, but if I told you that five years ago, I was like, no, you could go like...

[101] Yeah, but once I know that I can do that, it's like, when you have water in your ear, and the water gets out of ear, you're like, oh, now I can hear.

[102] Like, you accepted the way your ear was working when the water was in there.

[103] You're just like, I'm okay with it.

[104] Yeah, I can deal with this.

[105] But the people that still aren't on the internet, they're like, nah, I'll just think, dude.

[106] Mail's fine.

[107] There's a fucking awesome documentary on VBS TV about this dude who lives in the Arctic.

[108] He's one of the last people that's allowed to live in the Arctic, and he lives, like, way the fuck up in the northeast part of Alaska.

[109] Like, there's no one within, like, hundreds of miles of him.

[110] He doesn't have a car.

[111] He gets electricity from a generator, and he fucking shoots all his own meat, kills all his own rabbits, kills all his on caribou, has to protect his cabin, a little tiny -ass cabin, like the size of like a bedroom, has to protect his cabin from wolves.

[112] Like, it's fucking from bears, rather.

[113] Bears come to the cabin because he hangs his meat outside because it's never cold.

[114] They don't have a refrigerator.

[115] They don't have anything.

[116] So he hangs his fucking meat outside, and bears occasionally will come into the camp and smell it.

[117] So he's got this dog that he leaves out that's supposed to protect the cabin and bark.

[118] So then he comes out.

[119] Has to chase the bear down with a fucking shotgun.

[120] And he's doing this in the night time.

[121] It's night.

[122] And he can't see.

[123] And he's chasing down and he's fucking bear and shooting at it.

[124] It is nuts.

[125] Like this guy is living in the extreme...

[126] I mean, as close...

[127] I mean, that's sort of civilized.

[128] But God damn.

[129] He can get to civilization, I guess.

[130] Yeah.

[131] But he's not in it.

[132] He's got a television.

[133] He's got a generator.

[134] He can get electricity.

[135] He watches DVDs that he gets shipped to him.

[136] He still has not seen even an image of the 9 -11 Towers fall.

[137] Really?

[138] No. He heard about it on the radio.

[139] I thought it was crazy.

[140] But he lives up there, just him and his fucking wife, man. It's nuts.

[141] How hot is his wife?

[142] Not?

[143] She's not.

[144] Russell Peters is watching us right now.

[145] Russell Peters is up in this bitch.

[146] Russell Peters is the man. He's one of the nicest guys ever.

[147] How nice is Russell Peters?

[148] But he's Indian.

[149] And you have to deal with that.

[150] You can't just let it go.

[151] It's there.

[152] We're all thinking about it.

[153] No, no. What?

[154] He's so rude.

[155] the old hip -hop rap guy from the 80s as like, It Takes 2.

[156] Biz Marquis?

[157] No. Something like that.

[158] He was just like tweeting out.

[159] He was hanging out with him the other day and like, Hey, dude, make a tango right.

[160] Like, DJ quit.

[161] DJ Easy rock.

[162] I forget, but I was like, man, that's so awesome.

[163] Someone in the Twitterverse knows, what is the answer to that question, ladies you know, bitches.

[164] Rob bass, that's right.

[165] Rob bass.

[166] That's right.

[167] Yeah, he even says it in the song.

[168] F -D.

[169] Maybe it wasn't Rob -B -B -D -A -H -D -H -H.

[170] now I'm screwed, because I don't even know if that doesn't sound right.

[171] You fucking savage.

[172] It doesn't sound like the right guy.

[173] No?

[174] Well, it doesn't matter.

[175] Who cares?

[176] We're just talking about how bros. Do you remember third base, that old record, third base?

[177] Yeah, the white guy.

[178] Yeah, what happened to those guys?

[179] I don't know.

[180] I love them.

[181] I had two albums.

[182] Gas face?

[183] They have two albums?

[184] Gas face.

[185] No, that was the DJ.

[186] What the fuck is his name?

[187] The white dude.

[188] He was good.

[189] Prime Minister Pete Nice.

[190] That was one.

[191] Right.

[192] Pete Nice.

[193] And who was the other one?

[194] And, um, Gurs.

[195] I don't know.

[196] Who was his name, folks?

[197] DJ Googer.

[198] No, I, Prime Minister Pete Nice, and...

[199] Fuck.

[200] Come on, folks.

[201] Rob Bass.

[202] Rob Bass, I think it was.

[203] No, no, no. Rob Bass is the other dude.

[204] Yes, first.

[205] This is...

[206] Now I'm just confused.

[207] We're way too hard.

[208] Didn't he the one that had an MTV show?

[209] Which one had the MTV show?

[210] That's a good question.

[211] Was that Pete Nice or was that...

[212] This dude.

[213] Yeah.

[214] The next white rapper.

[215] No, the next white rapper.

[216] This guy just wrote D. DJ Boom Boom.

[217] You're just making shit up, though.

[218] DJ Boobo.

[219] I'll know the answer when I hear it.

[220] It's DJ Sniffles, man. No, man, that's a lie.

[221] It's DJ Sniffle.

[222] Who are the third base is the band.

[223] And there was the white guy with glasses.

[224] They're both white.

[225] But the big guy.

[226] Prime Minister Pete and ICE and so -and -so.

[227] What was it?

[228] Anyway, the other guy, who the fuck is it?

[229] It's not DJ Easy Rock, you fuck.

[230] No. DJ Richie Rich.

[231] No. MC Search.

[232] MC -Search.

[233] Ozie Tribe.

[234] You're the fucking.

[235] Yeah, Russell just told that.

[236] Isn't that amazing how your brain just blows up immediately?

[237] Why is it so hard to remind the things?

[238] I don't know.

[239] But dumb information, it's like, but then once that information, it's weird when a memory gets awakened.

[240] When you didn't think the memory was in your head at all, and then someone brings it up, and all of a sudden it like re -blooms, comes back to life.

[241] Like, someone talks about the shit.

[242] Yeah, some shit that happened, like, when you were a kid.

[243] And you're like, oh, yeah, what the fuck?

[244] I forgot about it.

[245] that.

[246] And all of a sudden, boom.

[247] What's weird, when that happens, that opens up a lot of these little memories that just because you remember that one thing, then you'll start remembering, like, oh, and I remember just to listen to that guy at the grocery store.

[248] Bishop Desmond Tutu gets the gas face.

[249] I don't know how much.

[250] I don't know how.

[251] That was in there.

[252] MC search was good, man. I'd like that guy's flow.

[253] But it seemed like people would pick on because he was white.

[254] It was like he, and then he became like a producer instead of a rapper, which I think was a huge mistake.

[255] Because I think as a rapper, he was really badass he was fucking good like I used to love his stuff but I felt like he was almost sort of like doing it but sort of apologizing at the same time or something he stopped he stopped doing it but the guy should have never stopped rap and that guy was fucking good the idea that he went on to produce some records I'm sure he produced some good stuff a lot of people do that though too they move out and they stop liking to perform I can appreciate that but I think with him that guy was really fucking good I really used to enjoy his shit I'm gonna illegally down both those albums tonight I'm gonna download him for I'm gonna pay.

[256] I'm gonna go to iTunes.

[257] I'm gonna go fuck.

[258] And your guerrilla's album came out today.

[259] That would be good.

[260] Yeah, did you say you didn't like it?

[261] I don't like the single.

[262] That first single is not that great.

[263] Yeah.

[264] All I know is that one song I did.

[265] You heard a couple.

[266] I know, but I mean, if I had to, like, identify one.

[267] Anyway, MC Search, please come back.

[268] Yeah.

[269] That's what we're trying to say.

[270] Okay, come on, man. That ain't too late.

[271] Just fucking dust off that hat and fucking, let's do this.

[272] son to step up and spit I like rap music man I mean I joke about it in my act but I really do man it's fun I love that you know that they're talking shit I like listening to people talk shit I love that Nas song that hip hop is dead That's my landing No that's a great one too I like that one Nas is a great writer but hip hop is dead That's my landing music I rotate between three songs Hip hop is dead Toriamos crucify And what's really yeah and voodoo child question what do you mean about landing music when i land so as i put my fucking land my touchdown coming to a new city okay even come up question um why the stewardess is let you have your airphones on during landing first class they let you fuck wrong yeah but i knew it that's totally true i always leave them on they never bother me i'm not first class but on the back like take it off yeah they're Nazis in the back you can't totally get away with it but you can't totally get away with it but you can kind of play dumb like what oh okay take it off i mean i never don't take it off when they tell you take it off i take it off you have to tell me. I'm not going to take it off on my own.

[273] Right, and if you're sleeping, they'll never wake you up.

[274] I will fake sleep.

[275] They're like shaking you.

[276] I'll make sure that my seat is up, so you don't...

[277] You can't fucking be for that, but you know, I'm going to do this shit right here.

[278] And I should just let me go.

[279] Please, I'm nice.

[280] So no one's going to crash because my fucking head...

[281] Why do they make it turn off?

[282] Because of radio waves?

[283] No, it's not a radio wave.

[284] It's just to be dick.

[285] I mean...

[286] They want you to turn off everything.

[287] They want you to turn off Game Boys.

[288] They say turn for a laptop, too, but it's It's like, it's on.

[289] You don't know what you were to tell it.

[290] It's closed.

[291] It's on.

[292] It's nonsense.

[293] The idea is some sort of electrical interference.

[294] But I think really the good idea to it is that it forces people to comply.

[295] And that's the same thing with putting the seat up.

[296] You ever think by what he thinks it's ridiculous.

[297] And I used the thing that was ridiculous to force people to put their seat up.

[298] But now I think it's important because you've got to get them to fucking listen to you.

[299] Well, also it's very important.

[300] If they do get into a tough, they don't want you to like lean back or something.

[301] You're, you're, you know, if you're going to get hurt, you're going to get hurt.

[302] You know, anything.

[303] that's going to hurt you.

[304] It's not going to hurt you any less because you're like this than you are like this.

[305] I mean, you're going to get jacked.

[306] I guess maybe.

[307] No, I can't, I can't see how even in the most furious turbulence it would make a difference.

[308] I think you're fucked either way.

[309] If you're fucked, you're fucked.

[310] You're in a goddamn metal tube flying through the air.

[311] I think the good thing about it is that they get you to comply.

[312] And I think, you know, I don't want anybody to tell me what to do.

[313] And you don't want anybody to tell you what to do.

[314] But let's be honest, we're not going to do anything fucking crazy.

[315] You know, there's a lot.

[316] of people out there that need to be told what to do I get out of my seat.

[317] If somebody didn't tell me to do it during the landing, I'd be like, I'll just go to the bathroom when I fucking fly all over the place.

[318] Yeah, I think people, there's a certain amount of people, you know, there's just too many of us.

[319] We need very clearly established rules, even if they're ridiculous.

[320] Even if it's just like, it sounds like I'm all like a conservative, but I'm not, just an expert retards.

[321] You know, I just know there's just so many fucking dummies out there.

[322] It's very important to have a certain amount of order to the world.

[323] You know, because even though you don't want that order, you've worked really hard to put yourself into a position where you don't have to have that order.

[324] You know, I mean, look at the life you chose.

[325] You went from, like, a very obvious, you know, regular, normal person's life to being this crazy fucking comedian where, you know, you make your living talking shit on stage and, you know, you sleep till noon.

[326] And, I mean, that right, that right there is most people would never be able to figure out of what.

[327] That's just too tricky.

[328] That's too fucked up.

[329] You know, like most dumb people would never be able to figure out a way to slip through some weird path to make a career doing.

[330] By the way, if you're watching your work right now, we're not talking about you.

[331] No. Yeah.

[332] Let's see.

[333] Well, you know, nobody really wants to work unless you love what you're doing, and then it's not work anymore.

[334] And that's really the secret to life.

[335] And then everybody loves something else, man. I mean, there's a reason why there's lawyers.

[336] There's a reason why there's a lot of dudes who love being fucking dentists, man. There's a lot of dudes who love being carpenters.

[337] Everybody's got their own thing.

[338] Whatever the fuck it is.

[339] Yeah.

[340] If the ones you find it, then it's not really work.

[341] You know, and until then, it's going to suck.

[342] I still get surprised sometime on the road.

[343] I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.

[344] Yeah, I know.

[345] It's like, because we do it so often for free, you know, especially in L .A. How many, how often do you do sets for free?

[346] Yeah.

[347] That's when I start, whenever people ask me, like, hey, do you want to, like, feature for the third show or something or whatever, I'm always like, I've said no before, and then it's like, yeah, can I do a guess, but you know once I get there so it's like you just put me on the lineup yeah once you're there and you hear the laughter you just want to go up yeah there was it was we were in um uh Australia the uh the flight fucks you up man because it's like a 16 hour yeah time's on flight crazy yeah and it's like 19 hours ahead so it's like literally you're the next day you don't know it so I was like really delusional like I didn't know but as soon as I got to the club I saw the people who it's like you can just sparks it up you know It's crazy.

[348] It's like, man, we're going to do a fucking show.

[349] We're going to have some fun.

[350] You know, it's like you just fire up.

[351] You just get one.

[352] People, man, I wish people in their regular jobs could feel what we feel when you're killing, you know?

[353] I can't usually sleep for a couple hours afterwards too.

[354] Man, you're wired.

[355] You're wired.

[356] Wired afterwards.

[357] Especially when you've got a new bit.

[358] If you have a new bit and a new bit is killing, then it just takes everything up to the next level.

[359] You know?

[360] It's crazy.

[361] Comedy is so much fucking fun.

[362] You've seen Alice in Wonderland yet?

[363] No. I've heard very mixed reviews.

[364] I am going to watch it at Universal City Walk on Mushrooms when we get back from Tempe, Arizona.

[365] That sounds like the worst idea.

[366] It's going to be so good there in 3D, IMAX.

[367] Dude, have you not had, have you not...

[368] Have you not had a bad trip before?

[369] No. That's why.

[370] Jesus, that's going to be your first bad trip.

[371] Well, here's what I think about bad trips.

[372] And I think for sure you could definitely take too much of anything and have a bad trip, no matter what your state of mind is.

[373] You know, I've had bad trips on pot.

[374] I've never had bad trips on anything else about pot, but I've had bad trips eating pot.

[375] I think it's a state of mind.

[376] I think it's how you approach it.

[377] I think it's where you're at when you take it.

[378] If you're in a good place, if you're a happy person.

[379] To a point.

[380] I mean, last time I did shrooms, I started shitting and having diarrhea, and no, that changes everything if you think you're dying.

[381] Food poisoning mushrooms.

[382] You need somebody get to an accident across the street from you?

[383] You're like, no, it's all going bad.

[384] Are you doing that psychedelia show?

[385] next time?

[386] Sure, if I can.

[387] When is it?

[388] April 18th, if you haven't seen it or heard about it, Ari Shafir is doing, if you live in L .A., he's doing this psychedelic show, and he did it, what was the last date?

[389] Last date was in February.

[390] You got some clips on your website, right?

[391] Yeah, don't look at it yet.

[392] I've got to make them better.

[393] Well, this, so the idea of the show is most comedians that we know, at least the most funny ones, have had a few psychedelic experiences, and a lot of them had really funny stories to go with them and so they're all talking about it uh you know in front of a crowd it should be kind of cool yeah there's just fun story that's my only problem is anything interesting i've ever learned i've already told i like a hundred fucking times right you know i mean i always get asked that's why we have to do a new drug experience for you uh oh peyote and tmpie this weekend that's the place to do it right right we'll find some coyote spirits in us and shit peyote yeah some guy dylan birdie told the pey story Pailoli is supposed to be incredible.

[394] Synthetic payload.

[395] Finding a spare itself.

[396] My friend Matt was in New York and he took it and he said he could hear people talking in a building like across the street way over there and said there's a glass window and he goes I can hear them talking.

[397] Meanwhile it's probably just like a cell phone going off.

[398] I mean, I think I think there's ways we can perceive things other than the standard way.

[399] When I'm drunk, I can hear things further away about like in a bar where I can normally hear nothing.

[400] I can send around one person talking.

[401] Really?

[402] Yeah, I don't know why.

[403] When you're down?

[404] Yeah, but people around it's all like, but then I just see them and I hear what they're saying.

[405] So you think it's like your liver?

[406] I don't know.

[407] What?

[408] I think, no idea.

[409] I'm fine, dummy.

[410] Your liver, yes.

[411] Your liver does it.

[412] Who knows, man?

[413] Your liver is what makes wheat so fucked up when you eat it.

[414] Really?

[415] That's when it produces that shit.

[416] It's called 11 hydroxin metabolite.

[417] Apparently, it's present in smoking it.

[418] When you smoke it's present.

[419] But it's not like, like a psychoactive levels but when you eat it it's processed by your body and it produces this fucking insane chemical that's like four times more psychoactive than THC that's why when you eat pot it's so like whoa you know those brownies that or cookies that somebody gave us in Chicago holy shit even fucking Joey Diaz freaked out on him Joey Diaz said he had a mild hard time that was the first time well no it wasn't but it was the first time I realized we're all still high the next day and you wake up you just kind of like like shuffling your feet feel sort of weird like you're still tired until it hits you but you're not hot you're too high to like think it out so you're like i was so hot i've re -evaluated my entire life that night i really did i made some life -changing decisions that night i was so fucking gone i literally i mean it was very very similar to taking mushrooms very similar just just as intense and just going to a different place it was like wow this is strong and you know how i knew it was really, really, really strong is when I laid in the bed and I closed my eyes.

[420] And the fucking hallucinations were insane.

[421] It was all yeah, it was all, but these, like these cartoon characters fucking each other and becoming different things and fucking each other and becoming different things and fucking each other and becoming different things.

[422] It was insane and they were like, the cartoon characters were like a glowing, almost like a neon, they had like a glowing neon quality to them.

[423] Like they looked like someone drew them, but then there was like glowing neon like center to them.

[424] It was fucking insane.

[425] It went on for like a half an hour.

[426] I was like, holy shit.

[427] This is just from eating weed.

[428] Last time I ate mushrooms, when I was getting sick and stuff, then I resorted to bed.

[429] And it was weird because it went into like stages of like first I was shaking really fast.

[430] Then I went into like a sweaty.

[431] And then I got into like a thing that felt like I was going inside out or something.

[432] And it was like seven things.

[433] But it was in a cycle.

[434] Like it kept on doing it.

[435] Like I'm like, all right, next is coming to shake.

[436] oh yeah here comes to shake and stuff like that and then I was like oh wait it's like seasons of the earth man how many did you go through probably about 150 of those things and each one yeah I mean that's how bad my last mushroom trip was and it was like it was sick mixed with thinking I was some kind of season how much did you take uh about an eighth or half an eight 75 % of an eighth or something like that wow what is an eighth how many how many it's usually people do half a and then maybe eat later, I'd say.

[437] 3 .3 .5, 4, 6 or something.

[438] Right.

[439] They say the real big dose is like 5, 5 grams.

[440] Five grams?

[441] See, you talked to some people and they're just like, no, dude, you've got to smoke seven joints, kind of people.

[442] A lot of people think to get the most out of pot, the way to really do it right is to not smoke pot for a long time and then blow it the fuck out.

[443] Just get high as a kite.

[444] And then you have...

[445] I haven't smoked for the last couple days and I'm just tall.

[446] Yeah.

[447] But have you heard of people...

[448] Yeah, but that's just a couple days.

[449] You've been, like, taking a month off.

[450] I just like, I haven't smoked for at least $28.

[451] Have you ever talked to those guys that, like, I don't trip on one hit of ass.

[452] I trip on 10, man. Well, there are definitely some dudes.

[453] Well, I don't know, man, but don't you think that we all have different chemical structures to our bodies?

[454] Yeah, but it's like...

[455] They're all there.

[456] I bet you they didn't even try the one -dose thing.

[457] They're just like, no, I like to eat five pizzas, ma 'am.

[458] I'm trying to do it.

[459] Maybe.

[460] But have you ever met a dude who just can't drink?

[461] I knew, especially back in Boston, I knew a lot of guys that they would drink.

[462] And then all of a sudden, I mean, one drink and they were at Gonsville.

[463] They just didn't exist.

[464] A girl, I went out with once.

[465] One drink.

[466] She would go one drink in, and then all of a sudden she'd be throwing glasses and yelling shit and swearing in people.

[467] Yeah, she's the same way to somebody you can completely handle it.

[468] It was nuts.

[469] It was nuts.

[470] I mean, it was one fucking drink and she would be gone.

[471] One?

[472] One drink.

[473] It was like she was allergic to alcohol or something.

[474] It was something weird.

[475] And she was completely crazy.

[476] there was one girl I knew that a Jewish girl that she's friends on Facebook she might be watching so I won't say her name but first time she smoked to say her fucking religion man huh she's Jewish why you have to say that because I want you guys at least have a chance to find out who she is just tell me he's going to be going to he's giving the clues because it's a hilarious it's a hilarious story okay so it's just a hint all right so she smoked wheat at my house she's like I'm not good with wheat whatever.

[477] She smoked one bong hit.

[478] She stood up, ran full speed into my bathroom, hit the bathtub, and just flew in the bathtub and smashed her face in the bathtub.

[479] And I'm like, what?

[480] What?

[481] Did she think?

[482] Oh, God.

[483] She just was like, I just had to run.

[484] Oh, my.

[485] That was like, one hit that did it.

[486] I'm like, holy shit.

[487] There's something weird in her, whatever, DNA that snapped immediately.

[488] Well, you know, we also don't realize how strong this fucking weed is.

[489] Right.

[490] This is Ohio shit we do that there.

[491] Really?

[492] This is in Ohio.

[493] Wow.

[494] She just had that reaction.

[495] Maybe she's just a freak.

[496] How bad was Ohio's weed compared to California's?

[497] Oh, it was Mexican brick weed where it's compressed where at least you're like, I don't have much weed left but that one brick you're just like pulling out tons of stuff.

[498] That was a long time ago, right?

[499] Yeah.

[500] In Ohio?

[501] They've probably got it from California.

[502] Yeah, I'm sure.

[503] It was also a broker back then so it's probably always existed.

[504] It's, you know, the people that get arrested for, like, drugs, why is it they're always speeding?

[505] What do the fuck is that?

[506] You have a life?

[507] sentence in your car?

[508] Why don't you just let me just do something stupid?

[509] Like they're always talking on the phone without using a headset or they get pulled over for that and also in the cops like why don't I smell weed you know and then you know you pop the trunk and he's got a fucking giant brick of weed in the back right or you're parked on the side of the road with your door open and a girl sitting on your lap and you're like okay why do you have a gun in the back seat of your car?

[510] Right right right yeah why you're so nervous right what is it that about these fucking trucks that get busted and they have like a hundred million dollars or the weed and a, you know, like, giant fucking semis.

[511] Like, how crazy is that?

[512] That's like a gamble.

[513] Let's take a chance.

[514] How many do you think of those get through?

[515] Dude, I bet a lot.

[516] They must get through.

[517] I bet 90 % of them get through.

[518] They busted one of them in Arizona because the guy had a UPS truck.

[519] It was a UPS truck.

[520] Stolen?

[521] No, it wasn't real.

[522] It was a forged, a fake UPS truck.

[523] They made a UPS truck with fake numbers.

[524] They just took the numbers from one of the other UPS trucks.

[525] They wrote it down.

[526] They recreated a fucking UPS truck.

[527] Yeah, brilliant.

[528] And why did it go over?

[529] Because the cops ran the fucking number that was on it.

[530] They were speeding or doing something.

[531] The cops ran the number that was on it, and it turns out it was the wrong truck.

[532] So like, no, we're in Michigan.

[533] It didn't match.

[534] It didn't match for whatever reason.

[535] So they decided to pull him over.

[536] So they pulled this guy over, he's got a giant fucking truckload of weed.

[537] I mean, they just decided to pretend that they were delivering.

[538] We're for UPS.

[539] They figured nobody would check it.

[540] They probably got away with it a fuckload of times.

[541] Yeah.

[542] You know, and then one guy just got a little careless and started driving fast and you got busted.

[543] You always get complacent.

[544] You get away with it many times.

[545] You get totally normal.

[546] And you feel like, I'm not going to get caught.

[547] Yeah.

[548] You know?

[549] I mean, that's what, and that becomes part of the thrill of it, too, I think.

[550] For people, there's a lot of people that are addicted to crime.

[551] And they think that crime, like selling weed or doing anything illegal where you, you know, you don't really even pay taxes on it.

[552] There's a fucking, a wild outlawed thrill to that shit.

[553] You know, some people love living like that.

[554] But those motherfuckers, you can't be around them.

[555] They're going to blow up.

[556] Like, that shit is not going to last.

[557] Like, you're, you're not playing by society's rules.

[558] When you're running around selling drugs, I like to get drugs, and I think it's awesome that you're doing that.

[559] But I don't want to be around you.

[560] Because if you're the guy who's making his life off of selling, you know, if you're making your life off selling cocaine, like, you might be fucking crazy.

[561] Yeah.

[562] You know, you might just be a reckless wild motherfucker.

[563] That's a dangerous thing.

[564] I mean, how many people get rich and retire off of cocaine?

[565] I don't know any.

[566] None went to our center of them.

[567] There's a few.

[568] There's a few that you hear about in cocaine cowboys.

[569] Really?

[570] Reselda, she's still alive.

[571] Cocaine Cowboys, too.

[572] She got out and, like, retired?

[573] She got out, they shipped her to Bogota.

[574] She killed, like, 200 people.

[575] Oh, really?

[576] Yeah, she made hundreds of millions of dollars.

[577] She was like the queen of cocaine.

[578] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[579] In overdoses, they're, like, directly responsible for, like, 200 people dying.

[580] Off her Coke?

[581] Brian, what are you doing?

[582] Somebody asked what I was drinking.

[583] I was putting it up for a little quick.

[584] Oh.

[585] Weirdos?

[586] It's good.

[587] It tastes like got beer almost.

[588] Oh, that's complete shot.

[589] I thought it was a beer.

[590] Yeah.

[591] Just a little good.

[592] That would be weird.

[593] No, it's not weird.

[594] No, really would be that weird.

[595] Anyway, this Griselda chick stole a lot.

[596] They took pictures of her around Bogota, Columbia.

[597] So she got out of jail.

[598] They had been deported her.

[599] And now she's fucking running around Colombia.

[600] Man. And she seems rich as fuck.

[601] She's like incredibly, incredibly rich and ruthless.

[602] Cocaine Cowboys is fucking incredible.

[603] I never thought.

[604] Oh my God.

[605] You have to watch it.

[606] It's one of the greatest documentaries ever.

[607] And then Cocaine Cowboys, Two, it is even better.

[608] Cocaine Cowboys, too, is just fucking nuts, man. I mean, it just shows you how nutty Miami was in the 1980s when cocaine was coming through there.

[609] I mean, it just changed the fucking face of the city.

[610] That city was built on cocaine.

[611] The cops, there were so many corrupt cops that one year, the entire graduating group in the police academy, the entire graduating group, all of them either wound up dead or locked up in jail.

[612] Really?

[613] Yep.

[614] All of them.

[615] I hate Miami so much.

[616] Oh my God.

[617] It's so crazy.

[618] It's one of the least favorite cities.

[619] It's the Coke.

[620] It's a cocaine -flavored city.

[621] There's a lot of cool people in Miami, man. I had a show there recently.

[622] I did the Lincoln Theater.

[623] It was fucking awesome, man. It was really awesome.

[624] Everybody was super cool.

[625] The show was nice.

[626] But fuck, man. That improv is the worst improv.

[627] The worst comedy club I've ever been to.

[628] Ever.

[629] That Miami improv made me stop going to Miami.

[630] It was so bad.

[631] They would just, yell out shit nobody gave a fuck it was just like 30 tables just screaming and we're talking you shut up what giant room full of coke heads I mean just a room full of coke heads we're not even lying about this like if we had 200 people in the crowd how many people do you think with coke heads if we had how many 200 I'd say 80 I'd say 80 we're on coke 80 or on coke yeah another 40 doesn't have any on them that's not bullshit and the 40 that didn't have it on them they might get shitty because they're coming down yeah I mean really it was fucking crazy.

[632] That place was crazy.

[633] And Cuban, Cuban, coked up.

[634] And that place is one of the, one places where I've never heard a headliner get more sabotaged when they decided to put Kevin Meanie up after Joey Diaz.

[635] You're talking Cuban and Cokehead.

[636] That's what, I mean, the audience is Cuban.

[637] The audience is Cuban, right?

[638] The audience does coke, and Joey has like an hour of Coke material.

[639] He could go on and on and on, The best is watching him, and the way he says it's so funny, so you'll say you kind of giggle, like, oh, that sounds funny.

[640] And then you'll see somebody just die laughing.

[641] You're like, oh, you know about this shit.

[642] He says shit that I don't even know, because I've never done coke, but it's funny.

[643] Two times a lady on a Thursday, you know.

[644] You know.

[645] You know.

[646] You know what the fuck I'm fucking.

[647] I'm like, I don't know.

[648] But if he, if he does that to a room full of coke heads, oh my God, Joe used to destroy that place.

[649] He used to level that motherfucker.

[650] He was on stage once, and he was spitting and sweat was flying off of him and he was telling jokes about him being in one window they're both on coke him and his cat and he's in one window and the cats and the other one and they're fucking looking out for police i don't think i've ever laughed any harder i don't think i've ever laughed any harder and joey so joey's leveling these audiences with this kind of a tear and kevin meanie went up after him and kevin me this is before kevin amin came out of the closet so kevin mean he was doing like he used to do we are the world like we are the world like we are the world tribute thing, like a whole song that was like this closing bit.

[651] But this was like decades after that we are the world.

[652] Nobody remembered that anymore.

[653] And these 20 -year -old people in the audience had no idea what the fuck he was talking about.

[654] And this is after Joe...

[655] They're like, shut up.

[656] Yeah, and they're animals.

[657] And this is after Joey goes up and Joey's just leveling the place.

[658] I mean, it hurts you to watch.

[659] It hurt you to watch.

[660] That's one of the worst like scheduling of comics ever.

[661] They do that all the time.

[662] Like, especially like...

[663] Why?

[664] Just to punish them?

[665] No. people like if a comic wants too much money sometimes they'll do that you know like some some some people don't think of guys that good like some club owners are really fucking stupid oh they're like oh he's just fine well what i heard was the one who i heard got fucked with the most was Mitch headberg Mitch headberg got fucked with a bunch times where they would put on like these singing black guys before him you know and these guys would destroy with like really dumb hack shit and then Mitch headberg would go up with this really weird unique act you know that like on paper isn't even funny you know it's like he's got some really great stuff like an interesting way of delivering but it was it's very much you have to set it up correctly you can't have some guy going up singing and dancing and having a whole audience clap along and then headberg who just basically stands there and you know double two hotel you know he's got like all these weird jokes that are like they're just so you know so uniquely him but you got to set it up right you know and that's that's a part of comedy like people go oh they can't follow that guy.

[666] It doesn't mean that that guy's not good.

[667] It means that their acts aren't compatible.

[668] A lot of people don't have a harder time following the other people.

[669] Yeah.

[670] But those people will have a harder time following people that I don't have, you know, have a problem following.

[671] It's just certain styles.

[672] There's a lot.

[673] I mean, if a guy's like really super cerebral and really wordy and doesn't swear and it's really, you know, then you go up, you want to talk about getting your dick sucked.

[674] You know, people are like, whoa, what the fuck?

[675] Even when Brett Ernst for some reason and Caponera were killing, I would always do well.

[676] I don't know why.

[677] Yeah.

[678] When other people are killing, then I have trouble.

[679] And it's like, I don't, it's such styles.

[680] Joey used to have, his, his jakes used to be AJ Jamal.

[681] You remember how good AJ was?

[682] Yeah, he was amazing.

[683] He was an incredible timing.

[684] AJ Jamal was such a pro, man. He just, his timing was just so perfect.

[685] You could hear the same jokes 10 times in the road, he still would laugh.

[686] And for whatever reason, I think that just got inside Joey's head, because Joey wasn't that kind of a guy.

[687] He wasn't like a technician.

[688] Like, AJ Jamal just had that perfect timing.

[689] bang, bang, bang, bang, yeah.

[690] Yeah, and it's just the way he would do it, like, you would just be recovering from the last joke, and then the next one would hit you, but it would hit you the right time.

[691] Like, why we're still appreciating that joke, and then another one hits you, and he just would hit you with these waves, and jelly was just a, you know, sort of, like, a stream of consciousness guy.

[692] He would just go up, he had a couple ideas of some jokes he would talk about, but he wanted to just fuck around.

[693] He wanted to, like, find the material on stage.

[694] I think it bothered him that this guy was, like, so, like, rigid, and that used to bother me a lot too when I forgot I was like had a really strong act it was really strong and well done it would make me insecure I would say fuck what is mine that good I mean I'm not that doing what he's doing I have trouble following somebody does real real well with crowd work then it's like because then that's my pull -out move is like do some crowd work but then it's like wow he just did it already he did it better than you so now my one cheap move is fucking taken away from me yeah yeah that crowd move is a good move if you get in this if you got a position to go to it you know like you used to have the I don't want to say the joke but you know there's one that you do where you know you talk to a trick in the audience and oh yeah yeah yeah just bam you know you know I always wait for it like when you start talking about that and then I go here comes like if you're ever in a tricky situation you bust that one up that's just a guarantee crack in the face you know but those are nice I mean it's really no different than any other kind of joke that you're gonna just me you're recreating the moment you know you're saying it all like you're thinking it right there and then.

[695] But a lot of it is shit you said many, many times before.

[696] You just got to keep it as organic as possible.

[697] Yeah, I like doing it probably too because it sets my mouth and my cadence to be like, this is me real talk, and like the nice jacket, I like that shit.

[698] Yeah, that's smart, yeah.

[699] And then if my joke's down, and then I went to the store.

[700] You never guess what it sounds like, oh, it sounds gross.

[701] Yeah, it does.

[702] When does it ever sound grosser than when you're in a tiny little audience?

[703] Yeah.

[704] When you're in a tiny audience, like three people, you see all the problems with your material.

[705] Like, tiny audiences are really, good to do.

[706] Because when you perform in front of like three people, it's so uncomfortable that you're making this person talk to you.

[707] Like the illusion of a crowd is just gone.

[708] It's just like, what are we doing?

[709] I perform for two ones, two people at Dangerfields in New York City.

[710] And it was one of the, it's the weirdest feeling.

[711] But you make, it makes you snip out the fat in your jokes.

[712] It makes you get to the point quicker.

[713] You respect their attention span more because it's more ridiculous for you to require them to listen to you.

[714] But you also can't pretend like you're doing a pause that might be set in their theatrically in a good way.

[715] I can't even do it now.

[716] It's not even bad thing.

[717] This seems really fucking weird.

[718] You find out what the fake shit is.

[719] You can do a pause if you're really thinking that way.

[720] You know, if you're like, if there's a moment you're at where you're like, what the fuck?

[721] What is, really, what is that?

[722] There is a real moment.

[723] There's a real opportunity for a moment there.

[724] But it has to be real.

[725] I think very often we write stuff and we write it and we say it in a way we just know it's going to kill.

[726] you know and it's not necessarily the way you would say it in front of a small group of people it's good to clean your act up with that shit it's good to do shows where people aren't impressed too like that's why it's good to do those improv shows like those wednesday night shows let's be they're not they're not your shit they don't know you're gonna be there they're not your fans they don't come to see you they come to see any kind of comedy and they just saw 10 guys that have been on television that guy from comedy juice just wrote me yesterday and he was like hey Ari we'd love to have you come back and I did it before and I was like oh cool I did it once and the guy who booked it left.

[727] So I've been looking to see who get in contact with you.

[728] And he was like, yeah, anytime you want.

[729] Next week, the week after, the week after that.

[730] And I was like, how about the week after that?

[731] This is Ari.

[732] And he goes, oh, now, how about April?

[733] And I'm like, you thought it was Ari Spears, didn't you?

[734] And he was like, yeah, I did.

[735] I think it auto -completed on it, whatever.

[736] And I was like, it's fine, man. That happens not the first time.

[737] That is hilarious.

[738] You know, the webcam's on guys.

[739] Oh, look at it.

[740] It's a fucking show, man. Tell me a little story.

[741] We don't have to stare at people.

[742] Yeah, so my manager call.

[743] You know, the guy that no one else knows ever.

[744] Except you did.

[745] I thought that was a good story, man. I'm fucking baked.

[746] He wanted to go to Comedy Juice.

[747] Comedy Juice is, it all related, man. Comedy Juice is the local show, Wednesday nights.

[748] Wednesday nights at the improv, really good show.

[749] And there's always, like, you know, famous people in Louis C .K. And Mark Merrill stop by.

[750] All these good guys will stop by.

[751] So it's a good place to perform.

[752] But it's good to do, like, little tiny shitholes, too, right?

[753] It's good to do, like, bars and dives.

[754] You know what's great is that little room next to the improv.

[755] You know, there's the big improv, but there's that little tiny -ass...

[756] That's where we're doing the musical show.

[757] The what show?

[758] Psychedelor show.

[759] No, no, no, I mean, in Tempe.

[760] Oh, oh, yeah.

[761] You know, that one?

[762] That was the shit.

[763] Did you go up in there?

[764] No, I've never been up there.

[765] Just watched.

[766] Just watched.

[767] Todd Glass just goes and just does that room.

[768] You know?

[769] It's a fucking sweet room, man. I mean, it's one of the Swedish rooms in the country.

[770] It's connected to one of the biggest rooms in the country.

[771] The whole thing's, it's like a comedy complex.

[772] It's amazing that Tempe has so much comedy, you know?

[773] it's also the biggest impot to begin with is it oh chicago might be bigger now oh san Jose oh san Jose yeah well crazy listen to me West Palm is bigger than all oh they did it now right West Palm is huge it's like 700 people it's fucking insane you walk in and you're like what like it's so big what does San Jose have you see like 500 maybe 450 480 something like that this place is 700 people something like that at least 650 but apparently it's hard to fucking feel man that's hard to fucking feel that's hard Bruce, Bruce and Gabriel Iglesias every other week.

[774] Yeah.

[775] Do you guys see that Krobsman's C .F. fight on his Twitter the other day he had with some guy that was making fun of him or something.

[776] No. That's that poor fuck, though.

[777] What did it happen?

[778] It's just, it's very crazy how this guy got to him pre, and he...

[779] What did he say to him?

[780] Guy just started shit, not.

[781] I own you.

[782] I bet you spend more time on me than any other comedians you actually like.

[783] I own you.

[784] I'm the punisher.

[785] Any time you try to publicly show somebody up online, you're like, you're not.

[786] not showing them up.

[787] You're just, it's just, you're both of you guys are just idiots.

[788] You can't ever hear a response.

[789] I did that before.

[790] You feel like an idiot.

[791] Afterwards.

[792] Why did I waste my time doing this?

[793] Like there's sometimes when you read something, someone will say something dushy, and you're like, I can just crush this idiot right now.

[794] And then I was like, what am I doing?

[795] Like, why am I entering?

[796] Like, people are just drawing into some silly fight.

[797] I saw someone on Twitter talk about that and they said, to Marin.

[798] And they said, it's like the Special Olympics.

[799] Even if you win, just so retarded.

[800] yeah that's like a digital picture of that you know it would be really funny inspirational pictures would be really funny to film somebody have like this online war or somebody and just have them going back and forth and it became so dangerous you go to fight him and it's like a four year old well it's all it is usually like what are that was a kid was 20 that kid from uh from Ohio remember we brought him to the show he turned out to be just a kid fucking around I mean he was a nice guy I even talked to him I even talked to one that Jimmy can't tell tell own too.

[801] The kid pulls up.

[802] He and I had a MySpace battle and then it was like really ridiculous and it got put on some websites and then when I went and I like he and I went back and forth on the emails he said like you know all right you win and he said if I ever meet you I would be happy to shake your hand I said I'd shake your hand too dude it's all just fun right and he goes yeah he goes well it's nice talking it ended like okay you know I mean it was like really weird it's like you know sometimes you talk shit to people and you don't really mean what you're saying, but it's like, you've entered into, like, a little contest.

[803] Like, you want to talk stupid?

[804] You want to say some dumb shit?

[805] Well, I'm going to say some dumb shit too.

[806] The best of people that think just insulting your mother will do the trick.

[807] Oh, come on.

[808] Like, I fucked your mom three times this week.

[809] Pah!

[810] Boom!

[811] Puned.

[812] But for comics that for us, that's a fun exercise sometimes.

[813] That's the problem.

[814] It's like when people know that you do it, like you get mad at you, like, what an asshole, you know, he's calling this guy a loser.

[815] Maybe you're a fucking loser.

[816] We think you're fucking badass because you're on TV.

[817] But no, I'm just practicing.

[818] with douchebags it's like they're like online hecklers it's like the same thing as a heckler in an audience it's really the same thing you're just breaking them down for a comic that's fun sometimes yeah i wish you i don't do it online i don't do it online anymore i used to it's just so stupid it's like you're you're you're deciding to get upset and to enter into this little you know this little competition with someone who you don't know who chooses to interact with you that's the way they choose interact with you they choose to attack you and you're just going to like submit to that and start going back and forth them, that's ridiculous.

[819] They win right away.

[820] This is part of being like in the public eye, part of being an entertainer.

[821] You're going to get people that want to hate you.

[822] That's like normal.

[823] As soon as they start, as soon as you get back in the hall, you're like, maybe I'll show them up.

[824] You won't.

[825] No matter what you do.

[826] It's a waste of energy.

[827] It's what it is.

[828] It's a waste of energy.

[829] Unless you can do it and you're just having fun and it's good -natured and you do it just for shits and giggles, as long as it's good nature.

[830] But if you're really getting upset, And you're really trying to hurt their feelings.

[831] My real is, if you just want to show them that they error their ways, you never will.

[832] They'll never see it.

[833] They'll think that they showed you up.

[834] They don't think you showed them.

[835] Some people will.

[836] So rare for like a reflective moment.

[837] You're like, you know what?

[838] Yeah, but you never know, man. You might be able to, with no aggression, like you might be able to show someone like just in a very calm way.

[839] It's just very hard.

[840] It's very hard for them to accept it.

[841] But the occasional person will accept it.

[842] Occasional person who's just confused.

[843] A lot of people, man, the reason why they lash out is because, really they just want someone to love them.

[844] No one loves them.

[845] You know, and this is a lot of fucking humans out there, man. There's a lot of people that, they live these terrible fucking lives.

[846] I don't know who it was.

[847] I think it was some fucking famous guy.

[848] Ralph was it Emerson?

[849] I don't remember who it was.

[850] This quote.

[851] God damn it.

[852] I'm too high.

[853] Taylor got into a, somebody yelled at him in the supermarket parking lot because he was going in the wrong way.

[854] Somebody is, you know, I got into an accident once that way.

[855] And he said, he goes, yeah I bet you got to an accident somebody's going the right way like what does that mean it doesn't prove anything what was it I remember I remember too much weed all right Tempe Arizona this weekend like going to the chat and there's been a lot of good questions what are the questions like uh give us one Brian send it out loud stop talking about comedy that's not a question really I don't know uh how far again nobody can tell us what it's talking about what are the other questions more of a question for him Dude's enough about stand -up comedy Listen, you don't have to watch it, folks If you're not enjoying it You just fucking...

[856] Do you ask the Oscars?

[857] Go on, do your own thing.

[858] I gave up on the Oscars When in the bedroom lost That fucking terrible mind or whatever The split personality guy.

[859] Right, the Hurt Locker And I was just like, what is this?

[860] I'm going more than Avatar And that just hurts my soul Because I know Joe, you like the Hurt Lager But I just, it hurts me to Why?

[861] Because the special effects didn't win the prizes It was just a boring -ass fucking movie and I just can't understand why everyone thinks it's like the next awesome thing.

[862] What I understand is why people care if the movie they like or don't like win some fucking award.

[863] Well, because then there's a movie like Avatar that's just like something brand new.

[864] Like I've never seen this before.

[865] I've never experienced anything like this before.

[866] Brian, did you get Avatar Depression when you found it wasn't real?

[867] No, but there's a whole thing with that.

[868] People who miss that rule because it's like a former...

[869] I think you got Avatar Depression.

[870] No, no, no, no. I've only seen it once, Mr. You saw it three times.

[871] I've seen it once.

[872] I saw three times.

[873] Three times.

[874] I loved it.

[875] I'm just saying that...

[876] You and I thought together, right?

[877] Yeah, three.

[878] Yeah.

[879] I love it.

[880] It's fun, man. It was a fun -ass movie.

[881] It was like a goddamn comic book.

[882] I'd go and see a comic book.

[883] My thing's really...

[884] But he's like, oh, man, it's just like the Pocahontas and shut up.

[885] Shut the fuck up.

[886] I don't care.

[887] I like stories that wrap up nice and neat.

[888] Whatever people say the shit, every shit.

[889] I was like, no, no, you're right.

[890] When they pointed out to details, but yeah, that was a little...

[891] That was a little bit, but whatever, it's fine.

[892] I think the reason I care is because it seems like, okay, you saw the same movie I saw, and yet you think that was enough to be amazing to win the best award.

[893] So it's like weird, because I think I'm on a brave, like a wavelength with people's intelligence and how they're thinking.

[894] And it just blows it out of water.

[895] Like there was a million movies better than a Hurt Locker, I think.

[896] I like the Hurt Locker, man. I thought it was pretty good.

[897] Best movie of the year?

[898] You know what I didn't like?

[899] No, no. I thought it was a unique movie.

[900] I thought it was, I don't, you know, I think probably because of the fact that we're in this middle this unpopular war.

[901] They made a point.

[902] It was actually art. They made a point.

[903] I think so.

[904] Pointless war and, you know.

[905] But, you know, I think that's one of the reasons why it got extra special treatment.

[906] I mean, I think if this was done during, well, who knows?

[907] It could be done during a year where there's no war, reflect on how we don't have war anymore.

[908] Yeah, they've been war movies all the time, but.

[909] I thought it was pretty good, man. I really liked it.

[910] I watched it granted while being held captive on a plane.

[911] You know, I couldn't go anywhere.

[912] I was in my seat.

[913] I couldn't go anywhere.

[914] And so I enjoyed it.

[915] I was actually looking forward to it because I heard a lot of people said good things about it.

[916] I thought it was pretty good.

[917] It was interesting.

[918] It wasn't, I didn't know too much about it, so that was good.

[919] I didn't know any spoilers.

[920] It captivated me the whole way.

[921] That movie took place four years ago, all right?

[922] The scene of that movie.

[923] But yet at the beginning of it, he's playing Xbox 360.

[924] Fucking fun fact right there.

[925] You are such a geek.

[926] I read that last night.

[927] Oh, you fucking cat!

[928] My first commercial I did with that guy Jeremy Renner.

[929] What's up?

[930] The store that was in my first commercial.

[931] Oh, really?

[932] Well, that's interesting, man. So did you read about this online, or did you figure it out yourself?

[933] Easter egg?

[934] No, the Xbox 360.

[935] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[936] I'm a movie nerd like that.

[937] I like reading mistakes that people do.

[938] Did it say it was the date of the movie or you know?

[939] I write it, I wrote it.

[940] Did it say the date of the movie, like in the movie?

[941] I guess so, yeah.

[942] It was on Kotaku or something like that yesterday.

[943] I thought it was great.

[944] You thought it was great too?

[945] Yeah, what the fuck, all right?

[946] So you guys didn't sit there and go, wow, I just watched one really slow mission.

[947] Yes, there was that.

[948] I would like some little more crazy action.

[949] Yeah, but it was just, you never knew what the fuck was happening.

[950] It wouldn't be exciting if you saw it two times.

[951] But the first time, you did not fucking know that guy was not going to blow up.

[952] And it was very scary.

[953] There was a part in the beginning of the movie.

[954] When that guy blows up, spoilers.

[955] There's a lot of shit that's happening.

[956] See, I never felt the tension, I guess.

[957] When you didn't feel attention.

[958] I understand what you're saying.

[959] I understand what you're saying.

[960] No, it didn't work on me. Those dudes next to them were getting jacked.

[961] No, I understand what you're saying.

[962] There were a couple times when you did fail attention.

[963] But a lot of it was slow.

[964] It was fucking slow.

[965] I understand that.

[966] The tension parts, I guess, didn't work.

[967] They failed on the tension for me, I guess.

[968] Well, in your eyes, in my eyes, they succeeded.

[969] You don't have to be.

[970] I wasn't either, man. Maybe I was too sober.

[971] I was totally sober.

[972] I was in bed going, oh, my God.

[973] I mean, I was at the movie theater.

[974] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[975] Yeah, movie theater.

[976] I mean, I didn't download or anything.

[977] That's, maybe that's the problem, man. You're getting a shit copy.

[978] It was at Blu -ray cop, Rick.

[979] I mean, it was at the IMAX theater in 3D.

[980] What the fuck, Brian?

[981] What are you great at the RIA busted down your doors right now and took you out of here?

[982] Yeah, you don't have anything illegal.

[983] Some of your thing?

[984] No, just...

[985] No. Gigs or gigs.

[986] What do you think about that, man?

[987] Do you think we're getting really close to the point where you can just download shit and put it directly on your TV and super high quality in real time?

[988] We're there.

[989] But I mean, like...

[990] I've heard about it.

[991] People doing it easily with Mac minis and stuff like that.

[992] I know people...

[993] How are they going to make money with movies?

[994] I don't fucking care.

[995] People are still going to the movies, right?

[996] Sure, I don't care.

[997] Yeah.

[998] It'd be nice if everyone else doesn't accept me. People still done that movies.

[999] Yeah, it's a nice experience, too.

[1000] There's a 3D.

[1001] Was there any copies of Avatar online anywhere?

[1002] Yeah, but a lot of people still went to see that.

[1003] That's the whole thing.

[1004] I mean, there's movies that you will download that stupid comedies and you're just like, I'm not paying to see that.

[1005] I'll fucking download that.

[1006] Dude, Sony has a new TV coming out.

[1007] That's a 3D TV that I tried out at the mall.

[1008] It comes out this summer.

[1009] Right.

[1010] Dude, it's fucking crazy.

[1011] right you put goggles on they have a battery you press a button and these guys are playing soccer and the ball is just flying at your face oh it's just goggles yeah my it's not a tv the tv's wacky my tv does that right now you don't have the goggles on you look at it oh so you look after that my tv does that right now it's uh capable samsung you hook up a computer to it and it renders anything in 3d into the good 3d just like that so when navadar comes out on 3d you can do that yeah yeah if i wanted to but so i'm not going to buy those goggles and shit like that so how much programming is it like if you watch the office is that that coming in 3D?

[1012] That's a good question.

[1013] I don't know.

[1014] That would be crazy.

[1015] I don't think the 3D is going to catch on it.

[1016] Because you know how many people, you might think it's cool, but you know how many people are like, you know what, I'm going to buy a whole new TV just so I could have this 3D?

[1017] No, no, no, no. Especially after they just made us all buy new ones anyway.

[1018] Look, HD TV took a long time.

[1019] Lou Ray's barely still kept holding on.

[1020] That's true.

[1021] That's true because regular TV still looks pretty fucking badass and people go, how much better is it really?

[1022] You really need to pay 35 bucks instead of 20 bucks?

[1023] No, in this economy, you pay 20 bucks and you get the regular one.

[1024] You know, and honestly, 3D to me, man, like, even when I go to the IMAX movie theaters, I'm still kind of like, you know what, I don't know if I like this yet.

[1025] You know, like, it's kind of cool, but...

[1026] You need to just go ahead and suck some cock.

[1027] I don't know.

[1028] Just go do it.

[1029] Just go run to San Francisco.

[1030] It's getting better and better.

[1031] Run to wherever the hardest cock you think is going to be awaiting.

[1032] It's getting better and better, but you still feel like you're looking through something.

[1033] Like, it still hasn't gotten to the point where I'm like, I'm in a 3D world.

[1034] I completely disagree.

[1035] I go to that movie theater, and it's going to that movie theater.

[1036] It doesn't feel perfect, but I put those glasses on, and I watched those dudes in Avatar floating inside that room.

[1037] I was like, holy shit, this is awesome.

[1038] That movie is an event.

[1039] It's not just a movie.

[1040] It's not just you go in and watch a bunch of shit happen.

[1041] The thing that's great about Avatar, it's like a goddamn comic book ride.

[1042] It's like a ride, like a super ride at Universal City Walk.

[1043] That's one of the things I said about it.

[1044] Like, the acting is kind of clunky, all right?

[1045] Sigourney Weaver sounds like she's like nailing it in a bunch of times.

[1046] Yeah, she gave it the fuck up.

[1047] Like, come on, guys.

[1048] Are we serious here?

[1049] Where's my cigarette?

[1050] It's like, whoa, it seemed like the kind of acting that you see in those rides at Universal City Walk.

[1051] Like right before you go on the ride, they make you watch some Back to the Future clip where they explain what happened.

[1052] We're in a bad situation, guys.

[1053] We've got to get through the tunnel quickly before the nuclear bomb explodes.

[1054] There's not much time, please.

[1055] In an orderly fashion, hurry up and get into your chair.

[1056] My popcorn.

[1057] Yeah, exactly.

[1058] Okay, but tell me it wasn't lame when they said, when all the other armies came out to fight them and people were like, oh, we got all the other armies to come out.

[1059] You're like, what?

[1060] Where were they the whole time?

[1061] I didn't even heard about them.

[1062] They're right over there.

[1063] What?

[1064] The Navi.

[1065] Why don't you just get them earlier?

[1066] Yeah, like, what are you guys doing?

[1067] In order for it to really work, all these places that bought their HD cameras now have to buy 3D cameras, like all these shows have to be filmed a different way.

[1068] Right, but that's going to happen, Brian, because they used to have to black and white.

[1069] That's what they did.

[1070] They did black and white, they went from black, who have a color to HD, they're going to go.

[1071] Why wouldn't it have happened already?

[1072] Because it's all technology has advanced.

[1073] I bet they might just, I bet before it's 3D, I bet before it's 3D they're going to skip to the next technology.

[1074] It's never been that interesting.

[1075] During the black and white early color years of television, when you first saw 3D, you'd probably thought, this is a break.

[1076] You're talking to someone who saw Jaws 3D in the theater.

[1077] Yeah.

[1078] You got a fucking boring as shit.

[1079] It's dumb.

[1080] It's still sweet.

[1081] When that shark comes out, you like, it's so dumb.

[1082] But back then, you.

[1083] also thought video games were like this that were like amazing.

[1084] Right, well that's why things improve and technology advances and that's why 3D is finally come into its own.

[1085] I just think that 3D would have been popular in the past.

[1086] Right, well, I'm good.

[1087] There's no way you guys get to settle this.

[1088] It's much.

[1089] It's to catch on and it would be in 3D.

[1090] I think eventually it's the future.

[1091] For sure.

[1092] Movies are way more exciting when they're in 3D.

[1093] Way more interesting.

[1094] It's more layered.

[1095] I heard Alice in Wonderland is the shit.

[1096] I heard the video, the visuals are incredible.

[1097] That's wrong.

[1098] Did you read the article on Engadgett?

[1099] This guy totally puts a detail review of why it sucks in 3D and makes so much sense like the director used layers in the movie in certain ways to give an effect of depth right and then the 3d comes in there and changes what he was doing and it supposedly just does not work oh really yeah so it would be cool if you saw it in 2d yeah yeah exactly that's what he said he said he wasn't filmed for 3d and that's what I'm saying all these things avatar was no way no way Tim Burton does not know his film is being filmed for 3D no no no dude he did not film it for a 3d movie that's what i'm trying to say avatar was filmed in the regard so his movie they filmed it as a 2d movie they made 3d movie right okay oh i don't know man i'd have to see it to catch that's what i'm saying all these shit would have to be filmed in 3d and it's going to take a lot of people to go really do we want to spend this whole movie being a 3d movie you know like jaws 3d they had to go back you're crazy listen to me dummy they're going to do it for every single gigantic explosive it would make It's going to make them much more exciting.

[1100] It's going to be way cooler.

[1101] Every monster movie.

[1102] Don't they make way more in 2D than in 3D?

[1103] Don't they make way more in 2D than in 3D in ticket sales?

[1104] Oh, no, because you can do both at the same time.

[1105] They do it.

[1106] Yeah, but you do both at the same time.

[1107] Because it's theater's not a good for it.

[1108] And also the 3D hypes up the sales of the 2D.

[1109] They had to re -release Jaws 3 and non -3D because it didn't do so.

[1110] Because it was fucking terrible.

[1111] That fucking thing came like like, like, it was like there's only like one effect too.

[1112] like it was so dumb it was like one effect the shark coming at you it was like such a stupid ass movie you're like we're not in the ocean we get it i just think the three d's going to stop that's my bet you what i think three d's going to be fail and what do you think it's going to skip to then what's next like like more better than that like kind of like projection hologram in your house type shit dude i think that's coming too i think you're right but i think until that does come this is pretty fucking so you know what i think it's going to come more where wall paper LCD technology where this whole wall is going to be like computer large size this screen I bet we'll see that in our lifetime you know I bet we'll see that in our lifetime call mom on this screen do you think it'll ever get to a point where everything is controlled by your voice or do you think that that's just absolutely really but what about if you don't want to talk what if it's late at night you'll have it work mic off password it's like real mic on password XXXX you know hmm but you would have another interface like keyboard or something yeah yeah you just go up to the wall and keyboard well keyboard always be here or do you think the voice recognition will get so good that it'll be irrelevant i think eventually it will get so good yeah do you use voice technology at all do you ever use i i used it briefly on my uh android but and it was amazing it was way better than i've ever used it ever it was perfect that's what i keep hearing about that because it's it's okay with some things it's okay with blackberry like blackberry like blackberry you could say like call brian and it'll call you you know it's pretty good about that yeah which number sell right calling yeah my it's bad in my car you're in your uh car it works well yeah it's bad in my car i have the ford edge and yeah and it's like uh call jo a what number calling calling sally calling sally no calling grandma yeah too yeah sometimes it's completely off but i think that's also the noise of the road that's why i like uh instead of the you know that when you're doing it in a car it's a speaker phone it's like talking it's not crisp so what i always do is i always do is straight from the phone and you're talking right into that little tiny mic and it's pretty direct seems pretty accurate enough you know it beats like having to press buttons i don't want to press buttons when i'm driving it's all right gone through the bluetooth so it's all that's one of the coolest things ever you know that you can have uh you can drive in your car and talk to people on the phone with both hands on the steering wheel that's just nuts did you hear about this company overseas uh is released in the first jet pack that you can buy there's going to be about 500 of them being made oh my god dude they're going for about 70 000 each whoa so i don't have to go about 30 feet but I'll go to 200 they last 30 minutes I believe oh god that's awesome yeah oh my god 30 minutes you'd be bored already you'd have to set your alarm fuck that toyette can't even get their shit together what if you have a jetpack and you only go five feet off the ground just keep fucking but what if it freaks out and goes 500 feet in the ground and you're stuck like up in the air you'd have to have some sort of parachute right you have to be able to cut the jet pack off too because it'd be extra weight imagine you'd be dropped on someone's fucking head.

[1113] No, you wouldn't let you.

[1114] It wouldn't let you?

[1115] Yeah, because you're doing that.

[1116] I think of a knife.

[1117] The fuck guy I planned out.

[1118] Did you see how many Toyot was we called in Japan?

[1119] Did you hear one last night in San Diego?

[1120] Did you hear about it?

[1121] Another accident?

[1122] The guy couldn't stop.

[1123] And the police cop got to the side of him and was like, using his peers, like, hit the power button.

[1124] And the guy was kept on hanging the power button.

[1125] It wouldn't work.

[1126] He was standing on the break, he said, just like a full black.

[1127] You should go in a new show?

[1128] Why didn't he put his transition?

[1129] I don't understand it, but I think it has something to do where it's just won't let you do anything.

[1130] And then the cop had to get in front of him, I guess, so, you know, to kind of break his car.

[1131] Oh, my God.

[1132] I'm guessing.

[1133] Wow.

[1134] That's why they're going to be a standard clutch.

[1135] You know, you can always put it in yourself.

[1136] Slow it down that way.

[1137] Well, if you have a standard, you've got a manual transmission, you can always put it into zero, into neutral.

[1138] And the emergency brake doesn't work?

[1139] Yeah, I don't get how it goes.

[1140] Well, maybe the computer wouldn't let the transmission switch gears.

[1141] No emergency break?

[1142] Emergency break doesn't really.

[1143] This was on a three -est.

[1144] It's really a parking brake.

[1145] Parking break, you're right.

[1146] You know.

[1147] So you would have definitely put that.

[1148] Oh, fuck, you would have to try.

[1149] He was standing on his break, too.

[1150] George Lucas says that he's found things that are wrong with the Prius, and he says there's a software issue that he can duplicate.

[1151] Yeah.

[1152] They said he's still deny it, though.

[1153] Listen, George, not George Lucas, George Lucas.

[1154] Wozniak.

[1155] What's his name?

[1156] Steve Wozniak, with George Lucas.

[1157] He was like, fat old rich guys.

[1158] I lump them all together.

[1159] What does he do?

[1160] Kenny Rogers.

[1161] Kenny Rogers is famous.

[1162] How funny is that.

[1163] Anyway, Steve Wozniak, who's one of the super genius.

[1164] who founded Apple.

[1165] He has a Prius and he said that there's an issue with the accelerator and he can replicate it.

[1166] He could do like a specific number of things, you know, you hit the blinker, do this, do that, and it'll happen.

[1167] And he said he can do it safely and he shows him how to do it.

[1168] He says, there's a software issue.

[1169] That's what's so scary about these fucking computer -controlled cars, man. Computers crash, you know.

[1170] There's some beauty in like an old Mustang, you turn the fucking key, the ignition fires up, boom, the fucking tack is there, the Spadongers there, brum, brum, you smell the fucking gasoline.

[1171] You know what I'm saying?

[1172] There's no nothing helping you out, stupid.

[1173] You got drum brakes.

[1174] Okay, those brakes suck dick.

[1175] They're terrible.

[1176] They don't slow you down.

[1177] They're like, they barely work, you know?

[1178] You got, you know, 350, 375 fucking American horsepower from a high torque V8, a nasty sound of exhaust.

[1179] You just drive.

[1180] Brom!

[1181] Buh!

[1182] Stick shift, four on the floor.

[1183] Everything that got more advanced.

[1184] The more advanced it gets, the more you're taking chances.

[1185] When you go to fucking software, that shit just break on you.

[1186] My braces goes so bad when I was in high school, and how money to fix them, it would be an adventure to stop it.

[1187] From 30 miles an hour, you're like, oh, please, no, no!

[1188] It's just eventually right in front of the car in front of you to stop.

[1189] Like, oh, God, all right, good.

[1190] This is amazing when you were allowed to drive when you were young, how fucking dumb you were and you could still drive.

[1191] The driving age should be 30.

[1192] A destroyer, a giant machine that could kill people.

[1193] And you're 16, you're allowed to.

[1194] fucking hammer around it it's so crazy yeah it's amazing that we're all alive god i got a ton of accidents i was yeah i drove like a retard i just these cars could not do what i wanted them to do and it was hitting trees and shit well i mean when i was 16 i was just too way too wild to get a driver's license there's no way that should have been real i should have been riding the bus getting my shit together for at least another two years by the time i was 18 i had mellowed out gotten used to the fact that I was driving around.

[1195] Then I was safe.

[1196] Which was 16 and 18, that shit should have been doing.

[1197] Yeah, there's no way.

[1198] Yeah, drive as fast as you possibly can for like 30 yards.

[1199] Yeah, retard.

[1200] And then screeching the, yeah.

[1201] There's no reason, cutting people off, running reds.

[1202] Yeah, it's scary shit, man. It's scary shit.

[1203] All the different automated things that are going on today.

[1204] So many different things are automated, you know.

[1205] What scares the shit out of me is these drones that they use overseas, you know.

[1206] when they have these drones that fly above Pakistan and launch missiles down.

[1207] Because we're not at war.

[1208] We're not in Pakistan.

[1209] But there's like, you know, Taliban that are in Pakistan.

[1210] So we want to fuck them up.

[1211] So we send these robots in space.

[1212] I mean, this is like fucking...

[1213] This is really like science fiction.

[1214] We send these flying robots that we remotely control from a base somewhere.

[1215] These dudes are literally using Xbox controllers because these kids are so used to playing Xbox.

[1216] They know those computers so low.

[1217] well.

[1218] They just programmed the software to control the drones to use that same device.

[1219] So they got a fucking Xbox controller and they're controlling this drone.

[1220] Yeah, what if your controller goes out?

[1221] Well, anything can happen.

[1222] Anything can happen.

[1223] They just dropped over somebody's house?

[1224] Yeah.

[1225] Well, people have died.

[1226] A bunch of people have died.

[1227] A lot of civilian casualties.

[1228] A lot.

[1229] Yeah.

[1230] These drones, I mean, they're very effective, but shit, man, you're launching missiles from the sky.

[1231] You know, who the fuck knows?

[1232] You're going into this?

[1233] No. No. No. He's part of Afghanistan people.

[1234] They're getting jacked left and right.

[1235] I mean, in Pakistan as well, it's a scary thing, man. They fire something called Hellfire missiles.

[1236] Imagine that that's what they named them, Hellfire.

[1237] Jesus Christ, you know, not like Freedom Maker or something like that, you know.

[1238] Just your death.

[1239] Yeah.

[1240] Death with a bad afterlife.

[1241] Yeah, not like, you know, not like the strong arm of peace.

[1242] You're coming from below.

[1243] Hellfire missiles.

[1244] Motherfucker.

[1245] Hellfire?

[1246] That doesn't make you feel good.

[1247] the whole idea of the whole war so crazy what's really crazy is that the CIA had the president of Afghanistan's brother on his fucking payroll really yeah and this guy is like deep in the poppy business the CIA was paying him it was just recently revealed the CIA has been paying him for a long time he was on the CIA fucking payroll he's the brother of the president in Afghanistan and he's in the poppy business I mean the whole thing is crazy that's 90s 90 -something % of the world's heroin all comes from Afghanistan.

[1248] 90 -something percent.

[1249] Garland fucking teed.

[1250] Some evil motherfucker and some high lofty position.

[1251] You know, I don't want to name the organization, because who the fuck knows who's really bringing it in?

[1252] I mean, even has a name.

[1253] Those guys are profiting off that shit.

[1254] Make money off at distributors.

[1255] For sure.

[1256] It's been proven many, many times.

[1257] You know, there's a plane that the CIA had.

[1258] We talked about this before on the show.

[1259] This plane had crashed in Mexico.

[1260] with four tons of cocaine in it.

[1261] And it was a jet that had been to Guantanamo Bay twice.

[1262] It was a CIA jet.

[1263] This fucking jet had been to Guantanamo Bay on two separate occasions, and this fucking thing was flying cocaine into the United States and crashed in Mexico.

[1264] Four tons of Coke, man. So many different stories about if you want to look any of the stuff online, look up that plane that crashed.

[1265] Then look up the story of Barry Seals.

[1266] Barry Seals was a guy who was a drug runner who would fly drugs in from South America to the United States and dropped them off in Mena, Arkansas, in a little plane, and he would drop a parachute.

[1267] Well, these two kids saw the drop off one day, and they caught the kids because they didn't want the kids telling.

[1268] They killed them, and their parents found out that it was a murder because the cops had said that they found these kids on the train tracks.

[1269] Apparently, they placed their bodies in the train tracks.

[1270] And they said, oh, they got stoned, and they laid out on the train tracks.

[1271] the parents did autopsies had you know autopsies done they found they found knife wounds the kids had been stabbed so they stabbed these kids and killed them and then they laid him on the tracks and so then it became this gigantic investigation who was flying blah blah blah they get a hold of this guy Barry Seals and Barry Seals totally spills the beans tells the hollow store all the different shit that he did he's ready to testify goes to court and they fucking assassinate him literally on his way to court so this dude's on his way to court he's got George Bush George Bush's phone number in his pocket at the time and he gets murdered in his car on the way to talk about it and this is a guy that was an employee of the CIA and there's not just those, there's a bunch of them Michael Rupert is a guy who wrote a book about it he was an LAPD detective and something in LAPD, I don't know what he was, but he busted the CIA selling drugs and he was told to back off the case and he's like this is fucking insane and he's written books about it he's got this website from the wildernesscom I believe it is you know and it's all all detailing all the different corruption.

[1272] And they're doing it right in front of everybody's fucking face.

[1273] That's the crazy thing.

[1274] I mean, think about how much goddamn cocaine is in this country.

[1275] It's not all coming in because of retarded criminals.

[1276] Because most people that are smuggling cocaine.

[1277] There's like huge organizations and stuff?

[1278] That's what you're saying?

[1279] It's the government.

[1280] The government has something to do with it, for sure.

[1281] Someone in some aspect, why wouldn't they?

[1282] If these people want to do drugs, you know, what the fuck?

[1283] Who's making money off the drugs?

[1284] They probably feel like, look, the bad guy's going to make money off of drugs anyway.

[1285] Let's just cut them out.

[1286] We'll take the money.

[1287] Fuck it.

[1288] Drugs are going to be out there no matter what you do.

[1289] And it's all like a nice little cycle because the more people get arrested for those drugs, the more of these private prison companies and companies that own these gigantic prisons, the more they're happy because more people are in their prisons and the more people who are in private prisons, the more profit they make.

[1290] So they support all the shit.

[1291] So they actually support drugs being illegal.

[1292] They want them to be illegal.

[1293] They push for it.

[1294] It's fucking crazy.

[1295] The whole big package is fucking crazy.

[1296] And the idea that the government is behind it all that there's evidence of it just makes the whole thing mind -blowing it's just so nuts the fact that the the bea you know is like in cahoots with the cia and they all it's all like a big game at the very top it's all horseshit it's all just profit and money how much fucking money must they even make it there must be so much money in drugs who gets the money i don't know that's the good question right that's a good question how many people are involved and where does it go i mean if the cia if someone in the cia someone in the organization really is selling drugs.

[1297] Is it just every now and then, a rogue agent goes fucking nutty and cut some deal with some fucking...

[1298] No, it's all the time.

[1299] Or is it all the time?

[1300] Do you think it's all the time?

[1301] That's how it gets in the country, is what you're saying?

[1302] Yeah, I mean, how many times has it happened, though?

[1303] I mean, how much cocaine do we have already here?

[1304] How long does cocaine last?

[1305] You know, if you bring in a whole gigantic ship full of it, where would you keep it?

[1306] How long does it take to get it on the street?

[1307] Someone's bringing it in.

[1308] It's not these morons.

[1309] It's not.

[1310] They'd be getting busted left and right.

[1311] People that are so crazy that they're willing to do something.

[1312] that insane like smuggle a million dollars for the cocaine into country those people are crazy those people get busted doing shit that's not like a rational I think they uh option that part out like they hire somebody to transport the more people be hired the more people are gonna kill you yeah the more people you hire the the worst your idea is because the more people that can get busted and wear a wire and put you in jail it's very dangerous the smart move to do if you're doing something that's to hire as few people as possible take your own ship over somewhere you have yeah you'll do it might be the way to do it might be the way to do it You might have to bring your own ship.

[1313] No way, some cartel guy transports the shit.

[1314] No, those guys don't do it.

[1315] They hire other guys to do it.

[1316] That's why they always live in these fucking gigantic compounds with 15 dogs and 80 guns.

[1317] You know, fucking nuts, man. Imagine that life.

[1318] In Mexico, they're going crazy.

[1319] The Mexican drug war is just off the fucking chain.

[1320] When we talked to Victor about it, you know, the dude, Victor Doubila, he just got out.

[1321] Our guy from the UFC who does Spanish commentary, he does my job, he just got out of Juarez.

[1322] he was living in Juarez Gold That's what he says Every time He's a knockout Does he?

[1323] Gold No he doesn't No he doesn't How dare you I thought he did Oh Arii so mean I should have let that go That was my biggest regret You're not telling everyone now You know how Victor says this That's hilarious Because I thought he did It was like wow Imagine he did That was his thing Because Michael Chevello The guy does the K1 commentary He goes The Big Cabosh Really He screams out the big cabosh When the guy gets cracked Yeah That's funny.

[1324] Yeah, he's awesome.

[1325] He's hilarious.

[1326] Yeah, I might have...

[1327] More hooks than a pirate convention!

[1328] He says, like, crazy shit.

[1329] He's been mounted more times than Jenna Hayes.

[1330] Really?

[1331] Yeah, he says that?

[1332] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[1333] They don't talk with him?

[1334] They let him just do whatever else.

[1335] No, they want it.

[1336] The people love it.

[1337] I think he's hilarious.

[1338] That'd be fun to make this.

[1339] He's my favorite guy to listen to.

[1340] Get some pinot.

[1341] Yeah.

[1342] He's a super...

[1343] He's a movie, too, man. We hung out with him in...

[1344] Canada somewhere.

[1345] Yeah, in Canada, in Edmonton.

[1346] And then we hung out with him and his girlfriend again in Australia.

[1347] Super cool, dude.

[1348] Couldn't be nice.

[1349] He's Australia, that's right.

[1350] More hooks than a pirate convention.

[1351] That's my favorite one.

[1352] A pirate convention.

[1353] My name is Mon.

[1354] I'm from Somalia.

[1355] A pirate convention.

[1356] How can we don't hear about the fucking Somalian pirates anymore?

[1357] It's like they got canceled.

[1358] They got bored of it.

[1359] There's two people ever escaped?

[1360] Huh?

[1361] The two people ever escaped.

[1362] Oh, the English couple still fucked.

[1363] Oh, really?

[1364] Yeah, they still got those bitches locked up.

[1365] They kidnapped them.

[1366] They want millions.

[1367] They know these guys are worth millions.

[1368] Who knows what they're doing to them, too?

[1369] They're probably fucking them.

[1370] They were surprisingly good about once you pay the money.

[1371] They give everything back safely.

[1372] But what are they doing right now while these people aren't coughing up the money?

[1373] I bet they're fucking them.

[1374] They might.

[1375] Why not?

[1376] Why wouldn't they fuck them?

[1377] These pretty white people, silky, smooth, white skin, worth billions.

[1378] These guys are, like, super, super rich, right?

[1379] Are they?

[1380] Or are they just, like, regular folks?

[1381] No, I'm not the people that were the people that were kidnapped on their yacht?

[1382] Yeah.

[1383] Like the guy and the girl And they were like real travelers On their own yacht Yeah That's so scary Another ship's turning about We are in In 2010 And this is the internet So we're gonna find out Because I think that's fucking interesting Because that's one of the things about Traveling is That It gets fucking nerve -wracking Thinking about what is safe And what is not In all these other places Different laws Some countries don't have our laws Yeah When I was in Brazil Uh -huh That scared the shit out of me Brazil was Very much Like Sao Paulo There was a feel in the air Like you gotta watch where you go Most of people were very nice Very friendly A lot of beautiful houses A lot of nice neighborhoods But it was also like The Arab shook If you go to the market In Israel and you're walking to the Arab part People like don't Wow someone from the Navy witnessed it Kidnapped British yachtsman Oh he's a yachtsman wow who's this passing ship hello there what do you want what no oh my god yeah oh my god these people in it pasty white no she's just she's pasty white no she's just she's pasty white rich English people oh my god they must have fucked up traveling around the ocean and all really good these fucking people went these guys are nuts they went from Turkey through Africa down through Saudi Arabia to some Maya I love Put the...

[1384] That's so far off the...

[1385] Oh, wow.

[1386] I'll put the link up.

[1387] Pirates versus ninjas.

[1388] Who would you choose?

[1389] Go.

[1390] Ninja, for sure.

[1391] Pirates are assholes.

[1392] I mean...

[1393] So you're actually thinking about this longer than it?

[1394] Yeah.

[1395] Where is it?

[1396] No, are you lost.

[1397] I'm sorry.

[1398] Ninjas is always the immediate answer.

[1399] Why?

[1400] How are they going to take the ocean?

[1401] They don't have both ninjas?

[1402] This is why it's better, because when you're a ninja, you know, for sure, you can kick that pirate's ass.

[1403] Yeah.

[1404] No one's...

[1405] They should make a movie where it's, like, a ninja who's also a pirate.

[1406] You're fucking 12.

[1407] Yeah, Pirate Ninja.

[1408] Do they have that yet?

[1409] They probably.

[1410] They should.

[1411] You are a 12 -year -old boy, son.

[1412] Like, he takes off his mask and he has, like, a little eye patch under his mask.

[1413] And there's, like, a squished parrot.

[1414] Like, whizh!

[1415] Okay, these people have not paid yet.

[1416] The pirates believe these people are wealthy.

[1417] That's what it is.

[1418] They're not wealthy.

[1419] All they have, they put into their yacht.

[1420] All their money, they put into their yacht.

[1421] got wow these guys are fucked wow this is scary shit they went nutty man these people sailed all the way down that's the dream to fucking Somalia with the Suez Canal they went to move by they went across the ocean to India and then they went all the way back towards Tanzania and that's where they got jacked this is the dream of sailing around the world retiring and sailing around the world my parents did that you know my parents went to the Florida Keys and they lived in the Bahamas for a while, you know, but it's nerve -wracking, man. You're living on a fucking boat out in the water and, you know, when the storms come, your fucking house is literally flopping back and forth and it might go under.

[1422] Other houses are going to crash into it.

[1423] My dad had to get up in the middle of the night and go out to, in the middle of horrible rough waters, climb on other people's boats and secure their anchors because they didn't secure their anchor correctly, and their boats were drifting, and they had to worry about their boats slamming in their boat.

[1424] Really?

[1425] Yeah, it's dangerous shit.

[1426] They had a little sailboat, and they lived on a little sailboat.

[1427] for a couple of years.

[1428] Pretty nutty shit, man. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is you go to these other places, you realize like, God damn, we're lucky, it's safe here.

[1429] Trying to say take flights.

[1430] Human beings are, we are only as civilized as our circumstances.

[1431] You know, and I learned that when we were in San Francisco, and we thought the building was on fire.

[1432] You know, I was really thinking, like, how am I going to do this?

[1433] When we're evacuating, there was 15 flights of stairs, people were going down the stairs in single file, And people were panicking, and they were asking questions.

[1434] They were stopping the line, and they were going really slow, and they were shit in their pants.

[1435] And while this was all happening, you could look down through the spirals and see the smoke coming up from the bottom, and I was ready to jump.

[1436] I was ready to just start climbing down.

[1437] I was ready to just start, fuck you, I'm just going to start climbing.

[1438] People are panicking, and they're not going fast enough.

[1439] They're, like, freaking out, and everyone's in every floor they're merging.

[1440] And you start thinking, like, this is how someone can die.

[1441] You can die like this.

[1442] You can get stuck in a fucking fire, man. This is scary shit.

[1443] Very, very scary shit.

[1444] Yeah, that really freaked me out.

[1445] And now I hate going, I used to like to be at the top floor for some reason.

[1446] Like, as high as I can get, like, when I go to a hotel.

[1447] Now I'm like, no, no, no, no, you have like second floor because of that.

[1448] You know, that was one of the worst times in my life.

[1449] That's the only time ever I thought I would for sure was going to die.

[1450] Like, I thought I didn't think I was going to die, but I thought we were in a very, very bad situation here.

[1451] I was very thankful when we got out and everything was okay.

[1452] And it turned out it wasn't really a fire, that the smoke was actually the fire extinguishers because these assholes got drunk at like 4 .30 in the morning and just started sprung...

[1453] Did you fart?

[1454] No, who was saying that it was him that sprang this show?

[1455] It probably was.

[1456] How dare you?

[1457] Oh, no, yeah.

[1458] But it was...

[1459] It was the whole fucking room.

[1460] The whole floor was covered in this smoke.

[1461] And the fire alarms went off, I guess, because they activated the thing.

[1462] So it was no real fire, but God damn was scary as fuck.

[1463] It could have very easily.

[1464] been a fire it's terrifying shit yeah that energy could just overcome you you know that's one of those old -ass buildings they're not safe man single fire staircases oh that was awful they could suck it 12 floors going into one 15 i was on 15 was floors going into one staircase i think there was other ones but they were like hidden staircases dude there were so many people that were walking so slow they were panicking oh they had just woken up and they were delirious and they were unhealthy and they weren't athletic, they weren't like people who were like can move well.

[1465] So here they'd get up, and some people need a long -ass fucking time to get going.

[1466] Like, they're in their 60s and 70s.

[1467] And all of a sudden you put them on a staircase.

[1468] He's like, oh, my God, I'm going to die because this guy can't walk.

[1469] Like, you've got to walk faster, buddy.

[1470] You got to walk.

[1471] There's a gap in front of you, motherfucker.

[1472] You know, normally there's a gap on the stairs.

[1473] It doesn't mean shit.

[1474] But when you see smoke on the second floor and there's like, you know, 10 feet between you and the next guy.

[1475] You're like, dude, you got to move, man. What are you doing in my cat?

[1476] He's attacking, right?

[1477] He's playing.

[1478] You're playing with it.

[1479] He has to put his sleeve over his hand or she scratches it up.

[1480] You can't rub her belly.

[1481] She likes to bite.

[1482] I've got to pay him over it, buddy.

[1483] Our sphere will be right back, ladies and gentlemen, and now we're going to go to your emails and calls.

[1484] We've got to do calls eventually.

[1485] When are we going to do the Skype thing, man?

[1486] Right now.

[1487] No, we're going to Skype.

[1488] No, don't do it right now.

[1489] I don't answer any calls.

[1490] Talk to Johnny Depp live.

[1491] Who's Johnny Depp?

[1492] Pirate.

[1493] I thought we're ninjas, bro.

[1494] We are.

[1495] Ari likes the pirates.

[1496] This guy says that's why I bring a collection of sheets just in case I need to tie them together and dip.

[1497] Dude, don't think I wasn't thinking about it.

[1498] And the lower I got, the more I was thinking, okay, maybe I could jump out from here and live.

[1499] Maybe I could jump out from here and live.

[1500] You start thinking crazy shit.

[1501] You do.

[1502] You know, your survival instincts, you really become an animal.

[1503] You become an organism that's trying to survive.

[1504] You don't really think about anything else.

[1505] That's why this end of the road shit's crazy Like when the zombies come and shit Because I'm going to be like the first one Did I eat the hop You know Somebody in our group We gotta eat her Why do you think that?

[1506] I don't know I'm just kidding But I think You know what I think about zombies We've talked about this before I think this whole idea Of reincarnating people After they're dead You know like the whole Cryogenics thing Where they're taking people And they're freezing them Like they do with Walt Disney I think if there are really zombies That's a zombie A zombie is when a person dies Their soul goes the next stage of existence, their energy, their essence.

[1507] You just reanimate their flesh.

[1508] And that flesh needs to stay alive, but it doesn't think at all.

[1509] It's just moving on instincts.

[1510] It's like trying to eat things in front of it and trying to bite your arm and eat it because it's hungry.

[1511] Remember that old experiment with the dog where they brought dogs back to life?

[1512] Did you ever see that?

[1513] Is that the Russian film?

[1514] Yes.

[1515] Yeah, yeah.

[1516] What is that?

[1517] Oh, you got to look that up on Google.

[1518] They have like this head of a dog and they hook it up to these chemicals and the dog just starts coming back to life.

[1519] Like, starts licking his lips.

[1520] What was it, Russian?

[1521] Russian experiment.

[1522] Russian scientists.

[1523] Yeah, scientists, dog, dead, vagina, black vagina.

[1524] Black vagina.

[1525] How Russian scientists kept the dead dogs severed head a lot.

[1526] Dude, that is one of the creepiest videos I ever saw.

[1527] And that's probably something like, that's zombie dog right there.

[1528] That's a zombie dog.

[1529] They kept alive with electrical stimulation?

[1530] Yeah.

[1531] Now imagine like if they made a thing that they could just put a collar around its neck to do the same thing.

[1532] Like it digs into the right thing, they can control it.

[1533] Well, I think for sure, you know, One of the things that there was people, here's the video.

[1534] Wow, that's the dog.

[1535] Oh, my God.

[1536] Zombie dog.

[1537] Oh, my God.

[1538] Is there a video?

[1539] Yeah, I'm going to put it on Twitter first so we could all watch together.

[1540] Hold me closer, Tony Danza.

[1541] That's hilarious is Jimmy Kimmel.

[1542] He's hilarious.

[1543] You guys, you guys are watching him?

[1544] You know what was the best thing, the thing that he did with Leno when he came out as Leno and did his whole show as Leno?

[1545] Dude, that thing's harsh.

[1546] Look at it.

[1547] Did you tweet it?

[1548] That's a cartoon.

[1549] No, no. No, it's real.

[1550] He's just explaining how he dealt with.

[1551] So how he's feeding the dog brain.

[1552] This is just some mad scientist shit.

[1553] They're trying to figure out what makes flesh and tissue a lot.

[1554] And this dog, they're feeding blood to this dog's head while this fucking dog's head is severed.

[1555] I mean, they're explaining it in a cartoon form, but they haven't watched.

[1556] Look at.

[1557] Look at that.

[1558] Look at that.

[1559] Look at that.

[1560] Freaky.

[1561] That's the same now.

[1562] They kept that dog's head alive for hours.

[1563] Look, it's moving around.

[1564] It's reacting when he tickles its nose, man. Can't bark.

[1565] He's got no voice box.

[1566] It's got no lungs, man. He's got nothing.

[1567] It's insane.

[1568] Citric acid.

[1569] He's taking citric acid out.

[1570] What do you put on his nose?

[1571] Can you imagine doing that to, like, your old pet?

[1572] Because you want to do it?

[1573] and make it feel like it's still...

[1574] Oh, my God, he's licking it.

[1575] That is insane.

[1576] The dog's head is completely removed from its body, and it's licking its nose.

[1577] The guy covered its nose with citric acid.

[1578] Wow, so cute.

[1579] It's a cute dog.

[1580] He's looking at his nose.

[1581] Why they have to chop his fucking head off?

[1582] So did they...

[1583] Just to figure out that you can do it?

[1584] Oh, look at this.

[1585] He's blinking.

[1586] Oh, my God, they poured light on his...

[1587] Oh, don't do that.

[1588] Oh, no, sound, sound.

[1589] They picked up a hammer.

[1590] It's scary.

[1591] We're going to smash his face.

[1592] Yeah, do you know It's not the ground, I know Brian, did you watch a video?

[1593] He's just laying the ground with a hammer.

[1594] Did you watch a video?

[1595] Oh, he's reacting to noise.

[1596] Look at that.

[1597] He's trying to get away from the hammer noise.

[1598] Oh, my God, that's so crazy.

[1599] Now, did they cut his head off and then put it right on that machine?

[1600] Yeah, they didn't really ever die.

[1601] They just chopped his fucking head off.

[1602] They didn't bring it back to light.

[1603] No. Actually, I don't know exactly how long it was.

[1604] Like, this crazy guy did a bunch of these kinds of experiments.

[1605] Fuck, that's so scary.

[1606] Very interesting shit.

[1607] You know, it's like, would you, a guy just willing to do something that dark?

[1608] I mean, I understand it's off of the name of science and all that stuff, but the guy who's willing to take an animal and completely disregarded suffering just to find out what you can do to it, that guy will do that to people.

[1609] Right.

[1610] That's what I think.

[1611] I mean, maybe not, but...

[1612] What about Labrots?

[1613] Where's the line?

[1614] Yeah, what is the line?

[1615] I mean, why not...

[1616] I think when you realize they're animals.

[1617] Why not take...

[1618] There's a guy who recently got arrested.

[1619] I don't want to be in charge of choosing that.

[1620] Yeah, he's been sent being sentenced right now.

[1621] He was on the dating game back in the 70s, and his chick turned him down.

[1622] And I'll find that, too.

[1623] Yeah.

[1624] The chick turned him down, and after the chick turned him down, because the chick didn't want to go out with him.

[1625] Well, it turned out, before he was even on the show, in 1968, he'd already raped a child.

[1626] He raped a 12 -year -old girl, and they didn't know about it.

[1627] So he gets on the show.

[1628] He wins.

[1629] The girl doesn't want to date him.

[1630] The girl doesn't want to date him, and he goes on a fucking killing spree.

[1631] Does he kill her?

[1632] No, he doesn't kill her.

[1633] But he kills a child.

[1634] He kills, I think, four people.

[1635] Took one teenage girl out into the wood, sodomized her, and smashed her fucking head with a rock.

[1636] I mean, he did some horrible, horrible shit.

[1637] He's a evil fuck.

[1638] And, I mean, that guy, let's do, cut his fucking head off.

[1639] You know what I'm saying?

[1640] You guys killed four people, rapes and sodomize a chick, kills him with a rock.

[1641] Let's cut his head off.

[1642] Why are we kidding?

[1643] This dog didn't do shit.

[1644] You know, that guy is the one.

[1645] Bachelor number one will fucking kill you.

[1646] That's what it is.

[1647] This is the guy.

[1648] This is him in court right now.

[1649] Whoa, he got way older.

[1650] Well, this is 1978, bro.

[1651] But he went on a fucking killing spree.

[1652] He raped her with a claw hammer.

[1653] So he...

[1654] They were repeatedly, all of them were repeatedly strangled and then resuscitated during their deaths to prolong their agony.

[1655] Oh, really?

[1656] He woke him up again.

[1657] He's just hot.

[1658] Evil, evil, fuck.

[1659] Yeah, she was hot and smart.

[1660] She smartened up.

[1661] Even in 1978, she knew.

[1662] The other dudes who were on the show with him, they said that he was so creepy.

[1663] They were like, and they didn't even realize, but they were leaning away from him.

[1664] Really?

[1665] Yeah.

[1666] And they said they didn't look at the locker room like it was, the dresser in the green room.

[1667] It wasn't like all jokes.

[1668] Like, hey, we're on this crazy team.

[1669] TV show is like, I'm going to win, you fucking piece of shit.

[1670] It's my fucking show.

[1671] Like, he was, like, aggressive with them and, like, crazy.

[1672] Like, this guy's fucking creepy.

[1673] Turns out he's a serial killer.

[1674] You know, that guy.

[1675] We should experiment on that motherfucker, right?

[1676] I mean, that's the guy we should be killing.

[1677] Not a goddamn dog.

[1678] Right, Archerbair?

[1679] Yeah, maybe.

[1680] I want to sit and study and ask me questions.

[1681] I know, right?

[1682] Yeah, he's acting as his own defense, too.

[1683] Oh, even better.

[1684] Yeah, I wonder how they caught him.

[1685] I don't know the whole story.

[1686] I don't know how to go.

[1687] Look at him, man. What a creepy fuck, man. there's people that enjoy they truly enjoy hurting other people you know they're they're broken their wires are just completely crossed and they actually enjoy it man that's fucked up but talking about manson and how he tried out for the monkeys did he really yeah and like if he'd be a godner would he still gone crazy my friend was like yes they just would have been a crazy monkey well it would have been way more crazy because what if he became one of the monkeys and he got fucking famous and then had incredible power i mean the power he had over chicks he was three feet tall and a fucking ex -con he was all over hollywood You always have hot chicks around them.

[1688] So everyone in Hollywood invited them over.

[1689] Don't think dudes don't do that.

[1690] Sharon Taylor, that's Plansky's boys.

[1691] There's always guys.

[1692] There's always guys that are, like, in Vegas especially, that party.

[1693] They'll say, hey, we've got a lot of hot chicks with us.

[1694] Come on down with us.

[1695] And they're always trying to talk to, like, UFC guys and fighters.

[1696] Like, why are you telling guys you have a lot of hot chicks with you?

[1697] You have a lot of hot chicks with you?

[1698] Like, are you like just the really super cool guy and wants to make everybody happy?

[1699] Or they're just trying to make friends with everybody, and this is like the bait you're throwing out there.

[1700] Yeah, that's it.

[1701] Yeah, that's it.

[1702] It's weird.

[1703] That's right.

[1704] had some Manson -step shit The problem is always I have a lot of hot chicks and they're like What am I going to do with that?

[1705] Scary shit Are they're going to meet them?

[1706] Yeah, yeah, exactly Are they prostitutes that are willing to have sex with me Or something?

[1707] Otherwise, like, what do you, I don't understand?

[1708] Do you want to talk about your last comic standing thing?

[1709] I went on last comic standing yesterday I audition for it What do you mean?

[1710] They're not to talk about?

[1711] I don't even by rules of like NBC Yeah, I can you sign some I don't know, I'm not, I'm sure you're allowed and then I get there and they said this year they wanted to do what's it called more respectable judges because they're afraid of aunt that level of comic where they were like oh people, the comics don't really want to do it so they got Greg Giroldo and Andy Kindler and then at the last minute I found out Tony's before I got there went on that my ex -girlfriend Natasha was one of those judges Now this is not just an ex -girlfriend but there's a big ass story to it and one of them is that already at one point in time was quite upset with her.

[1712] All right?

[1713] Yes.

[1714] And, oh, the water?

[1715] Yeah.

[1716] She left me for some guy on Matt TV.

[1717] And then she started hanging around my safety spot, my clubhouse, and making it uncomfortable for me. And then she started dating my friend.

[1718] And then she was hanging around at the clubhouse again.

[1719] And I threw water in her face.

[1720] So not the best judge.

[1721] Right, not the one I want to be up in front of them.

[1722] And I was like, oh, really?

[1723] And then they started grilling me about it.

[1724] Like right before I go on on camera, asking these questions.

[1725] On before?

[1726] Yeah, right before.

[1727] And I'm like, I don't know if you're answering this.

[1728] Did you think about bailing?

[1729] What?

[1730] Absolutely thought about it.

[1731] But I love uncomfortable situations so much.

[1732] I even said that to the people.

[1733] I was like, oh.

[1734] You do.

[1735] If I could wash it would be better.

[1736] I think we all do from working at the store.

[1737] It's just so awkward.

[1738] I love it so much that I'm willing to put myself through it just to the awkwardness.

[1739] Well, you know how when we were doing the store, all those years, we'd have those crazy late night shows.

[1740] Like, I think there's something about those late night shows that, like, you know, like, if there's times when we did gigs, together where like if I did a gig with like Tripoli or me and Brent Ernst and Mike Young did a show once in Hollywood Florida and everybody killed and one of the things when Brent Ernst said when he killed like right after he was bringing me up he goes comedy store motherfucker you know and it was like joking around like we're gang it's a clubhouse it's a guy yeah yeah it's a mentality it's like you know you're working in a shit hole in some dark situations the comedy store if you don't know the way it has always been in It used to be that the criminals ran the insane people ran the asylum.

[1741] But now it's more it's managed and it's kind of sucks now.

[1742] But still, the door guys are all want to be comets.

[1743] Everyone's a common.

[1744] They're outside smoking and drinking.

[1745] When there's some five hecklers in there yelling at you, eventually someone will get them.

[1746] The place is entirely black.

[1747] Everything's black.

[1748] The walls are black.

[1749] The floor is so dirty.

[1750] The coloring is black.

[1751] The building, the whole building is black.

[1752] It's a black building.

[1753] And it's just dark, man. And it used to be a nightclub where Budsy Siegel owned it in the 1930s and shit called Ceros.

[1754] and it was like a mob joint where like dudes were killed there you know so it's got this weird fucking feel to it I mean for sure they chop people up and threw them in the fucking freezer in that place yeah they had this the what's it called the window where they said yeah that was a little bit of jerry Lewis used to watch the opening acts from their green room the green room has a window you can and we can still use it today you go up there and you watch the main room they said that where they point out for the bounces like get him out and get him out so they wouldn't have to like go and make a hub up in the room they would just drag him out they said to kill him for a lot of reasons but it's just it's an amazing club there's three comedy rooms in it there's an upstairs little tiny one called the belly room there's an original room that's like 200 seats right about 200 and then there's a main room it's like 400 seats and the fucking club is just so sick man so much fun shit has happened in that club it's a great development room yeah that's it it's the best place to write material it's less about like I don't know people are so not impressed with you there yeah it don't showcase there ever never you'll eat it It's very possible to eat at the store.

[1755] Yeah, never tape with the kind to make a tape once in everyone.

[1756] Never make a tape at the store.

[1757] You can never tell what's going to happen.

[1758] You never tell.

[1759] We've been in showing situations where people are screaming things at each other, fights on stage, always pulled his cock out at least 10 times that I know of.

[1760] I would be willing to bet money that he's pulled his dick out 10 times on that stage that I saw.

[1761] That you saw.

[1762] Yeah.

[1763] He used to pull his balls out all the time and just do a set like that.

[1764] I generally just said.

[1765] Just pull his balls out.

[1766] This was one time on the fucking Dirty Stephen so I put my balls.

[1767] He hated anything.

[1768] homosexuals so I pulled my balls out and left a long t -shirt over them because I was going to bring them on and I had them out before the entire set and there were a couple times where I'd raise my hand like this and people would say it.

[1769] They'd just go up a little bit so I had to be conscious of doing my set with my hands down the whole time and then when he got out because we were doing this thing called cocking or I would come behind you and just put my balls when you're like an arm or something just somewhere on your body we never do it to girls because that's creepy that's illegal yeah I mean it's illegal to do it to do is too but if you call the cops you're a bitch yeah but Brody was like don't you ever do that to me I'm like, I'm going to cop you.

[1770] And so, uh, once, you know, I went to shake his hand, I had to get off, and I just pulled it in.

[1771] And he was like, oh, oh, ah, fucking melted for 15 minutes.

[1772] You planned it out.

[1773] Regular people, man, with regular jobs, cannot appreciate that.

[1774] There's something very fun in being juvenile.

[1775] And, you know, everybody wants to get all mature and everybody wants to, you know, that's all well and good.

[1776] That's fun.

[1777] But the bottom line is you're, this is a temporary life.

[1778] You're, this is temporary.

[1779] Taking yourself or anything seriously.

[1780] seems dumb to me. It seems like you should be having as much fun as possible, even the silly stupid shit.

[1781] Even farting on each other.

[1782] I don't care.

[1783] It could be 100 years from now.

[1784] Farting on people is still going to be funny.

[1785] When Joey Diaz comes over and then he farts on you and then waves his hand in front of his ass, I mean, it's always funny.

[1786] It's always disgusting.

[1787] Like it gets warmer.

[1788] That's how close it is.

[1789] The only time that would make you angry, the only time that would make you angry, you'd have to be so fucked up in your life.

[1790] You'd have to be in a terrible place.

[1791] But if any normal time in life when he does that, it's hilarious.

[1792] to him a date.

[1793] I can't see him do that.

[1794] You can get a middle of talking.

[1795] Let me do this.

[1796] You get a middle of talking to what are you doing here?

[1797] You eating dinner?

[1798] Hey, hello, miss. Very nice to meet you.

[1799] Hold on, hold on.

[1800] Here we go, motherfucker.

[1801] Bam!

[1802] What do you think of that?

[1803] Put down in your fucking spaghetti and smoke it.

[1804] Oh, Miss, nice to meet you.

[1805] Ah, sorry about that one.

[1806] Yo, dog.

[1807] You got to light him.

[1808] I'll give it right back.

[1809] He would definitely do that.

[1810] He's stolen more lighters for me. I should have light of some fucking homing beacons Put a little Beb, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

[1811] He used to always talk about him and go in the 7 -11 shit.

[1812] Steal.

[1813] Just steal.

[1814] Got to take him to something.

[1815] And he does it like a place.

[1816] He does it like the airport.

[1817] He does it like the airport.

[1818] We're catching the flight.

[1819] If you get held by 30 minutes, we're going to miss it.

[1820] Like don't.

[1821] Does he still do it?

[1822] Dude, he does it all to do it.

[1823] Ticktacks.

[1824] Remember when we went to McDonald's and it was one of those places where you grab like a quarter pounder, you grab your fries?

[1825] Then you go to the cashier.

[1826] You go, I got a quarter pounder fries.

[1827] He's just like, Quarter pounder here, quarter pound of here, some french fries in my shirt.

[1828] Get out of here.

[1829] Remember the time I stole that food?

[1830] Dude, you just gave them up.

[1831] Huh?

[1832] You just gave them up on the internet.

[1833] I'm talking about Duncan Shrezzell.

[1834] Ryan and I were waiting for food once, and I forgot to wait in line.

[1835] And then somebody kept ordering yelling out, tequitos, tequitos, and nobody picked them up.

[1836] So I just said, fuck it.

[1837] Oh, that's right.

[1838] You did it.

[1839] That's right.

[1840] That's right.

[1841] You guys are killing me, man. Wow, that's scary.

[1842] It was scary.

[1843] We ate so fast.

[1844] I got caught for shoplifting.

[1845] It was when CD's first came out.

[1846] and I was like 12 or 13 or something and I wanted a CD so bad I had a CD player for my birthday but had one CD it was the Ghostbuster 2 soundtrack so I was like I need a new CD this soundtrack sucks and so I went to the store with my friend and I stole three CDs and got caught and it was so embarrassing because the CDs were Paulo Abdul MC Hammer and something else like Van Halen or something like that but then his family both of our families had to come we had to, oh, getting caught shoplifting.

[1847] I've never got caught.

[1848] I got caught shotlifting.

[1849] I got caught shot lifting when I was about 13.

[1850] I stole a candy bar and we were about to leave and go to the movies.

[1851] And as I'm walking out of this store, this guy came up and grabbed my arm.

[1852] Really?

[1853] Ah, he hits in here, me too.

[1854] I fucking went to a pant.

[1855] He goes, what did you put in your pocket?

[1856] I go, what?

[1857] What is this?

[1858] Why, you got a candy bar in your pocket?

[1859] I totally didn't even need to do it.

[1860] I just wanted to see if I could do it.

[1861] I had done it a couple of times.

[1862] I'd stolen my gum or something like that, and I just kept doing it.

[1863] You know, when you're a kid, you do, you can just do it.

[1864] I think I was 13, I was like 12, I think.

[1865] But the thing is, you would have gotten away with it.

[1866] You would have in trouble with your parents.

[1867] No, I was 13 because I was living in Boston.

[1868] Yeah, my parents.

[1869] But that's terrible.

[1870] Yeah, my parents haven't found out about it.

[1871] I don't think.

[1872] I don't think they even told my parents.

[1873] They just told me out of there.

[1874] It's only a candy bar.

[1875] They didn't do a shit.

[1876] They didn't do you.

[1877] Like, we could bring you to jail.

[1878] And I just said, look, I'm sorry.

[1879] I don't know why I did it.

[1880] I'm stupid.

[1881] I'm sorry.

[1882] I apologize.

[1883] And I said, I got away.

[1884] I told the truth.

[1885] I said, I got away with it before.

[1886] And for the fuck out of here.

[1887] Don't ever come.

[1888] I can't be a fucking catch you doing this.

[1889] I'm going to put you in fucking jail.

[1890] Big mustache.

[1891] Big fucking fat head.

[1892] He got in my face.

[1893] I was like, yes, sir.

[1894] Yes, sir.

[1895] Thank you.

[1896] Thank you very much.

[1897] Yeah, I'm glad I got cocked.

[1898] If I didn't, I'd probably, because I was so addicted to it because it was when Nintendo came out also.

[1899] You were still in games?

[1900] Yeah.

[1901] Service merchandise.

[1902] They didn't know about video games.

[1903] They just put them on the shelf.

[1904] So me and my friend were like, ooh, ooh, ooh, like put ten in our pants.

[1905] And then we would bury it outside of the store and get it back later because we didn't want to come home My girlfriend in high school Got busted stealing like $1 ,000 worth of shit She got in like some real trouble Wow Girls are weird back And I saw these pair of sunglasses I thought were cool And I put in my pocket And as I'm walking out the door I'm like, if this thing goes off right now Right I'm fuck what am I doing And I was like 17 Right It was like enough where I'm like They'll just charge me Right I'm not cute Yeah it's scary shit My girlfriend at the time I think she was 15 When she got caught But she just wanted nice clothes Everybody had nice clothes, and she was also raised without her dad.

[1906] I think when people were raised without her dad, very unbalanced, you know.

[1907] More subject to do crazy shit.

[1908] Her mom worked all day.

[1909] You know, her mom didn't have enough money to take care of her.

[1910] She couldn't, like, put her in a really nice daycare.

[1911] So you grow up, you know, single parent, or single parent, single child, you grow up a little crazy.

[1912] You know, she just thought she could get away with that.

[1913] She thought she was smart.

[1914] She was pretty smart.

[1915] She thought she'd get away with it.

[1916] It's either because she was raised with no dad or raised with too much.

[1917] dad.

[1918] Yeah, I wasn't like that.

[1919] Come here, God.

[1920] She wasn't, she wasn't fucked up like that.

[1921] She was just a little crazy.

[1922] You ever look back on chicks that you knew when you're in high school and say, what if I got her pregnant?

[1923] What if I had a fucking kid with her?

[1924] What if I was still connected to her?

[1925] What if I was pregnant and didn't have money is what the real answer is?

[1926] Well, can you imagine, though?

[1927] I mean, not having money is one thing.

[1928] That does suck, but being young and not having money and trying to figure out how to raise a child.

[1929] You're still trying to figure out yourself you'd make the best of your life you would definitely make the best of your life it's so hard not to project on those people we're like oh your life sucks but it's not that bad they're fine i would hate to fuck it up i would hate to fuck up you know to raise a kid when you're like a kid yourself man that's you could do some irreparable damage to that fucking kid you could teach them something some really terrible behavior patterns they can model them after you me think about how dumb you were when you were 18 yeah now imagine you were black you had AIDS in your...

[1930] Yeah, how about it?

[1931] Yeah, you live in another country.

[1932] How about you just...

[1933] Like precious.

[1934] That's what you're going to be precious.

[1935] Yeah, I haven't seen it, but I can imagine.

[1936] How about you're born in the Congo?

[1937] How about that?

[1938] How about you one of those dudes that fucking still fishes by hanging a net over a fucking moving river from a tree?

[1939] They hang with their feet from fucking trees and scoop necks to the water.

[1940] Dude, it's nuts because the river is raging.

[1941] And if they're not even wearing safety vests, if they fall in that water, they might be fucked.

[1942] There's some video of these guys living in the Congo that are catching fish by doing that.

[1943] It is wild to see, man. they are living right now the way the fucking Navi lived in Avatar no bullshit except they don't fly in dragons.

[1944] It's not really great yeah it's not cool all the uncoolers and when they come at you it doesn't seem like interesting they're killing things with spears and bows and arrows and you know they're fishing with nets while they're hanging from fucking trees it's loco it's crazy shit man and these guys are living in 2010 they don't have shit they don't have lights they don't have electricity they don't have anything they have no lighters they don't have shit occasionally you see one of will be wearing like western underwear like somebody got them some fucking underwear or one of them would be wearing a t -shirt or some shit and like from the gap and you're like wow this is crazy and here they are living in these straw huts in the middle of the fucking jungle surrounded by monsters you know that is a scary scary life man and that could easily even us you know you didn't have to be born where you were born I didn't have to be born where I'm you could totally fuck up and all of a sudden you wouldn't know any different though yeah you wouldn't know any different but god damn how lucky are we I mean yeah you would be be probably okay.

[1945] I mean, people get used to everything.

[1946] I think they're dumb.

[1947] They look down on our lifestyle.

[1948] I'm like, look at them.

[1949] They don't even know.

[1950] They could have been born here in Afghanistan.

[1951] I had a good life.

[1952] Yeah, there's people who are proud to live in the shitty towns.

[1953] I mean, there's a lot of people that are proud to live in Pittsburgh.

[1954] You know what I'm saying?

[1955] For real.

[1956] You know, you talk to people that fucking love Pittsburgh.

[1957] I'll be here until I die.

[1958] Fucking Pittsburgh is the only town for me. Dude, you need to go to Australia.

[1959] Let me tell you something, man. Everyone's friendly.

[1960] The women are gorgeous.

[1961] everyone's cool as fuck everyone's super super relaxed every third place Joe Rogan goes a visit he says it's the greatest place everybody wants to move there I always want I always have this instinct to get out of LA came so close I was gone yeah look at me that's when I thought it was over they track me back it they fucking they got me back the wife got knocked up and the mountain line ate the dog and snow came the accident on the hills just too much I got crazy I tried to move her right to the mountains.

[1962] That's those the big fucker.

[1963] You didn't take steps.

[1964] I should have moved her to Boulder and got like a little cabin.

[1965] Take over territory, set up a base there, then move.

[1966] I got this fucking, very strong desire to have like a base very far away from the majority of civilization.

[1967] Like I have these crazy, and it's not crazy thoughts of like the end of the world.

[1968] It's just like, I just want no one around.

[1969] You even do that here.

[1970] It's like any reason you have to be in LA is 45 minutes away.

[1971] Yeah.

[1972] You know, in light traffic.

[1973] Have you always been like that?

[1974] Yeah.

[1975] something that I'd knit up recently.

[1976] No, I've always been like that.

[1977] I've moved further and further away from the hives from the moment I moved to L .A. When I first moved to L .A., I had an apartment in North Hollywood.

[1978] Then I bought, then I rented a house in Encino.

[1979] And then I kept going further and further out, you know?

[1980] And my next move, man, I'm going to stay in California, I think.

[1981] But I'm going to, I think I'm going to get a place in Big Bear.

[1982] I want to go get a place up in the mountains, you know?

[1983] Pepper?

[1984] Yeah, maybe I should buy his place.

[1985] There you go.

[1986] I wonder if she wants to set.

[1987] I wonder if she'll.

[1988] sell it.

[1989] I want if Len even uses it.

[1990] You don't want that jug of spirits.

[1991] What the fuck?

[1992] There's junkie spirits in that fucking house.

[1993] What are you trying to do?

[1994] We're worshipping Satan, Joe Rogan?

[1995] Maybe you're right.

[1996] Maybe that's...

[1997] You know what I would like to get?

[1998] Just a little cabin.

[1999] Just somewhere where I can just go and just hear nothing.

[2000] That's what I love the most about living on that mountain.

[2001] I mean, you went to that place.

[2002] When you are out that window, when we're on the porch and you listen, you don't hear a fucking thing.

[2003] It's, you hear the silence.

[2004] It's like a very specific sound of a I heard in the redwoods, because of the canopy is so high above the ground, there's no real birds, and there's no real insects there because the stuff, I don't know how it falls up, so there's just nothing going on.

[2005] Wow.

[2006] So it really is just silence.

[2007] Occasionally you hear a squirrel, you know, we see one.

[2008] But generally, it's just like nothing's happening.

[2009] I got to go back to that.

[2010] That would suck.

[2011] No, man, it's supposed to be...

[2012] Because it was like miles and miles around.

[2013] I went when I was a kid and we drove our car through a redwood tree.

[2014] Yeah, I want to do that one.

[2015] That's how dushy people are.

[2016] This fucking tree's been around for like a million years.

[2017] this gigantic fucking tree that's as big as this room so what do they do?

[2018] They carve a big hole in the center of it so people can drive their cars through the fucking tree this is like a novelty goof like they carved out the tree like a goddamn road was right that or not the tree down oh they did it that's where the road was they didn't have to do that I mean it seems like more humane to kill the tree than to use it it's a fucking tree I know what the trees can feel they just can't communicate you know that's a very valid argument you know we don't know we know that I don't know if this has been scientifically validated, but there's been all sorts of studies that prove that trees, like, feel something.

[2019] Like, there's an electrical impulse when you snip them.

[2020] I will tell you this.

[2021] There was an episode of Mama's family in which the goofball son hears a study that says a cauliflower can feel pain.

[2022] Broccoli does not have that same problem.

[2023] Maybe that was where all the work was on.

[2024] That's not real.

[2025] But who the fuck knows, man?

[2026] You know, who knows if it doesn't hurt their feelings when you eat them?

[2027] Who knows?

[2028] It's not a good enough reason to two or not to do anything.

[2029] You could argue that video game characters could probably feel.

[2030] Maybe they're playing us.

[2031] You know, when you kill them?

[2032] Maybe you're fucking somebody up in another dimension.

[2033] Right.

[2034] Like, that video game, how do you know that has feelings as much as a fucking cabbage?

[2035] You know, that's just, it starts getting ridiculous.

[2036] If you have lips, then who care, you know?

[2037] You have to have lips.

[2038] Well, some people say they won't eat anything that has a face.

[2039] Really?

[2040] Yeah.

[2041] Yeah.

[2042] Yeah, there's, like, people who will eat, they'll eat things like, they'll eat, like, clams, and they'll eat, like, some shellfish.

[2043] They won't eat anything with a face.

[2044] What is that thing?

[2045] Speaking of face is, it's creeping me out.

[2046] It's an ass, cheap, but it's got someone's mouth there.

[2047] Not mine, though, it's some girls.

[2048] It's a very, very, but you see those little weird -ass banners?

[2049] We're talking about the thing that's on my website, it's on Joe Rogan .com.

[2050] I mean, those weird banners.

[2051] It's all Brian's.

[2052] You know, I'd like to throw in a lot of, like, subliminal porn into it, because it works.

[2053] Yeah, I think that's...

[2054] Because you're like, what the fuck is this?

[2055] And it makes you look at the poster.

[2056] You can see some pussy lips down there by the end.

[2057] Yeah.

[2058] It makes you look at the poster, where a lot of times it's just you with a microphone, it's like, okay, yeah, whatever.

[2059] Right, you're right.

[2060] You just, no, I love them, man. But I think if you just brighten the contrast in there, people would be even more excited.

[2061] Where the N is, I feel like I could see something in that.

[2062] Yeah.

[2063] Isn't it funny that that's exciting to, like, almost see some tits or some pussy, but you can see just...

[2064] You can just go on a different website.

[2065] Dick your ass on the internet.

[2066] video yeah yeah that's why that's why i can't live in a mountain man because if there's like into the world shit happens i need to be around pussy just in case that i have to need i got disgusted by porn last night it's not even an end of the world then you got disgusted it was like it was like it was like overload it was just too much too too many days in a row it's where i was like yeah oh that's why are they doing this sometimes i overload on the road on the road sometimes like it's too much porn i just i see it as like mating animals either that or this way where i just feel empathy for the women how about when you beat off and like only a dribble comes out because that's all you got left.

[2067] Wow, like a three day or four days.

[2068] Because you beat off like three times in a day.

[2069] Yeah.

[2070] And you think you're doing it because you're trying to get some sleep like in the morning.

[2071] Like sometimes I wake up and I've got up too early I'm like, I can sleep in.

[2072] I need my sleep.

[2073] Let me just jerk off real quick.

[2074] So I'll jerk off and then I'm like get ready to go to the gym.

[2075] Like I'm a little horny before I go to the gym maybe I'll just jerk off.

[2076] And then I'll go and do the show and then I go do the show, do stand -up.

[2077] Before you go to the jiu -jitsu?

[2078] Sometimes.

[2079] I don't want to, I don't, They'll make your balls.

[2080] I would be too much three times.

[2081] I always watch before Jiu -Jitsu.

[2082] Very conscientious.

[2083] Listen, everybody jerks off and then goes to Jiu -Jitsu.

[2084] Everybody that goes to J -Jitsu jerks off and then goes there.

[2085] It's just a matter of how long ago was that a jerking off.

[2086] Was it a month ago?

[2087] Was it a year ago?

[2088] And if they like to wipe it or they go with it still.

[2089] That's true.

[2090] You never know, man. You never know.

[2091] You can't trust people.

[2092] Trust no one.

[2093] But then I'll go get home from the gig.

[2094] I'll do a gig.

[2095] I'll be wired and then I'll kind of get some sleep.

[2096] So I'll beat off, and I'll get some sleep.

[2097] What about the time's, like, out of nowhere, it just...

[2098] Oh, I was talking to Ari about this.

[2099] He's a sprayer.

[2100] Like, when he jerks off, it just blows up.

[2101] Oh, yeah.

[2102] That happens to me once in a while, and it surprises the fuck out of me. TMI.

[2103] TMI.

[2104] It's on the face and the shoulder.

[2105] Why does it do that?

[2106] What?

[2107] Do you, like, hold down the tip, like, a garden hose and try to spray it or something?

[2108] It's probably the way I do it.

[2109] I don't know.

[2110] Maybe he's just got a lot of fucking oomph behind his loads, but, right?

[2111] Just because your loads come a sputter.

[2112] No, but you know what?

[2113] It's when I get like a hand job or something, so it's not me. Oh, so it's a girl doing it.

[2114] Or me, if I'm doing it forever, it's like, let me just fucking beat off.

[2115] Or if she does it, it just fucking flies.

[2116] Let's be honest about something.

[2117] What is better?

[2118] What is better?

[2119] Getting a great load, a great load, shooting a great load, or taking a great shit.

[2120] I would go have a great load.

[2121] A great load, but not by much, man. Not by much.

[2122] Sometimes.

[2123] Here's what you need to add to the question.

[2124] A great load or a great shit.

[2125] Why do you see a much after?

[2126] Here's the question.

[2127] You need to add, you even it up.

[2128] Because how many times have you shot a load and then you realize, oh my God, now I have to talk this crazy bitch that I just shot a load with.

[2129] And she's having the dumb questions.

[2130] You're trying to get the fuck out of there and you're tired and you realize you've got to drive an hour to get home.

[2131] Does it matter?

[2132] And she wants to stay over.

[2133] You're like, I can't.

[2134] I have to feed the dogs.

[2135] Like any kind of craziness that goes on, you're like, oh, my God, what am I doing with my life?

[2136] Whereas when you take a shit, there's none of that.

[2137] I think here's a deal.

[2138] And that's just a load in your shit.

[2139] I think you've just had sex a lot more than Brian and I. So you're just a little more, like, interested in it than we are.

[2140] We're like, yeah, whatever.

[2141] But we're like, what, sex?

[2142] It's got to months a year.

[2143] Every now and I enjoy a good shit.

[2144] I really appreciate the morning ones.

[2145] Sometimes you wake up and you're like, oh, Jesus, let me get to the toilet.

[2146] You get to tell us just like, because I eat a lot of salad.

[2147] You know, my shit goes quick.

[2148] So it's like, ugh.

[2149] Blah, blah, blah.

[2150] Blah.

[2151] See, my shit's always involved investigating and identifying.

[2152] What?

[2153] You go and look at your poop?

[2154] Well, that's because, okay, Brian, you have to tell the guy that it's...

[2155] Brian has blood and his poop.

[2156] What?

[2157] No, yeah.

[2158] What are you talking about?

[2159] That's all right.

[2160] Okay, somebody was going to talk about them.

[2161] I made that up.

[2162] I made that up.

[2163] No. All right.

[2164] Once I had a haemorrhoid and I had to get a...

[2165] Internal hemorrhoid.

[2166] Yeah, internal hemorrhoid.

[2167] Yeah, you did talk about it.

[2168] I already talked about that.

[2169] I would believe.

[2170] Yeah.

[2171] So that's why I have to investigate.

[2172] I get a pollute of poots sometimes.

[2173] I just like it.

[2174] Wow.

[2175] What?

[2176] What?

[2177] It's interesting to me. I find out when I go to wife I'm like oh was that a wetter I was like oh no it's super wet I just like it I just like it doesn't hurt though Yeah They were telling a story about when I first started wearing a cup in jujitsu I didn't used to wear a cup And I had to start wearing a cup Because I was rolling with Einstein And he was trying to pass my guard And he slammed his knee Right into my dick Like not even really like my The shin hit my balls But the knee hit the dick But that passed I'm surprised I didn't have it a lot more Brian why you covering your head Because I hate this story Oh okay Sorry right but put it off the hair he slammed it in my dick it hurts so much it was so fucking painful but so i wait until i feel better you know i take a couple of minutes to catch my breath and then we started rolling again i didn't think anything of it until i get changed i go in the locker room and i go to take my i take my uh ghee pants off and i go to take my underwear or my jockstrap off and it's filled with blood filled with blood blood is leaking out of the tip of my dick and i'm like oh my god i broke my dick so then i go into the bathroom and people and people pee.

[2178] So I go to pee and blood is just coming right out of tip of my dick.

[2179] Blood and urine.

[2180] So then I started thinking about it.

[2181] I go, okay, I got a problem.

[2182] I got to do something now.

[2183] I got I got a problem.

[2184] I might have to get my dick fixed.

[2185] I'm like, holy shit.

[2186] And then I thought about it.

[2187] I'm like, okay, but wait a minute.

[2188] If this was my nose, if blood was coming out of my nose, would I do anything about it?

[2189] No, I wouldn't do shit about it.

[2190] I would just let it heal.

[2191] Okay, let's just let your dick heal and see how it goes.

[2192] So I get home that night and I say, well, I don't know, man. Maybe I should go to the fucking doctor.

[2193] Okay, if my dick can get hard, I'm not going to go to the doctor.

[2194] So I jerked off.

[2195] I jerked off, and I shot a bloody load.

[2196] Is it pink?

[2197] No, it was like a chicken egg that has the embryo in it.

[2198] You know what I'm talking about?

[2199] You get a chicken egg and the embryos in it.

[2200] It's like a little blood.

[2201] That's what it's like.

[2202] That's in the Philippines.

[2203] That's a...

[2204] Yeah.

[2205] Ballude is like an actual embryo, like a big -ass one, much more close to...

[2206] Kosher, if you get one drop of blood in the...

[2207] What you get all the time, throw it up.

[2208] Can't use it.

[2209] Yeah, that makes sense.

[2210] So do you see them crack eggs separately.

[2211] You guys are dead.

[2212] No, it makes sense.

[2213] You don't know what the fuck happened.

[2214] That thing's bleeding in there, and that blood is just sitting...

[2215] Well, then it means it's human life has to be killed differently.

[2216] A human life.

[2217] Yeah, well, not only that.

[2218] It's probably smart for, like, health reasons.

[2219] That blood is just sitting in that egg.

[2220] I think an egg can keep probably better than blood can.

[2221] You know, I mean, that's just speculation.

[2222] But anyway, bottom line is, I jerked off to see if my dick was okay.

[2223] And I...

[2224] Okay?

[2225] No, it didn't feel that good.

[2226] It wasn't, like, the best jerk off.

[2227] I've ever had but then the next day I peed blood a couple more times I peed blood just a little bit less every time for like three days and then I stopped there was no more blood and I said I think it's okay I think it would only take it one day and I would have freaked out when I came well I it didn't hurt that's why did you Google it at all no no I didn't thank God well I was thinking I was what I was worried about was it was gonna break you know like my dick isn't not gonna work anymore yeah you know I'm in my I'm impinent we have to cut it off you imagine if you get angry if it rodded and you're going to pack your dick off they have to rebuild one they have to take a trunk out of meat out of your forearm I saw that online a dude had his dick rebuilt and maybe it was like a woman who had a dick rebuilt to become a man like a fake dick oh it's so crazy wouldn't you be concerned at all at the time and I'm not joking that the doctor would be like if you hadn't gotten hard so fast would be okay but the fact that it broke that seal or something you weren't worried about that I was thinking that maybe my loads would purified whatever injury I had in there my soldiers would put to work on it patch it up.

[2228] I thought urine would do that.

[2229] I think, you know, urine is supposed to heal things.

[2230] So if you pee, when you have a little wound inside your dick, it's probably good to piss out blood.

[2231] It probably cleans it out.

[2232] Probably, you know, you're sterile.

[2233] Yeah, urine sterile.

[2234] It's good for you.

[2235] I bet it probably does.

[2236] But that was a close call.

[2237] So from then, I wear a cup.

[2238] So no blood in my shit, but some bloody loads and some bloody peepee.

[2239] I'm still glad I did this shit.

[2240] Yeah, it was beautiful, beautiful.

[2241] What?

[2242] You so glad what?

[2243] I don't do shit that involves having to wear a cup so people won't hit my nuts so I don't pee blood.

[2244] Yeah, well...

[2245] I never wore one, man, never won one.

[2246] Jiu -Jitsu is you should wear one, dude.

[2247] I'll get an extra one, I'll give it to you.

[2248] He likes, I swear.

[2249] That sounds fishy.

[2250] Why does it smell like Bengay?

[2251] Nothing, no, no, I don't know.

[2252] I've tried it on, dude.

[2253] Why is they smear it with fucking Dave's Insanity sauce and it won't even kick it until you start sweating.

[2254] Do you imagine?

[2255] Oh my God, your dick would be on fire.

[2256] I pissed once after I had a burrito with Dave's and Sanity sauce and I just, I don't know, I must have got some residue on my finger and I touched the head of my deck and it was like, it was melting.

[2257] Like a Mexican blowjohn.

[2258] It was, what?

[2259] Yeah.

[2260] It's like that problem.

[2261] They tell you about the sunflower seed peppers?

[2262] When I was in Israel, they had these huge sunflower seeds that big.

[2263] And so people would always take them from me when I sit on my desk.

[2264] So I wanted to punish the people who didn't ask.

[2265] Oh, so you put.

[2266] So I spent all day and I crushed up Cabanero peppers.

[2267] That's awesome.

[2268] took the seeds out and put one seed inside each sunflower seed.

[2269] And then if people, I would leave that in front so people ask, I'd like, no, no, here's the normal ones.

[2270] But if they wouldn't, they'd just fucking get it.

[2271] Most people can't stand the heat.

[2272] But did not wash off my hands, peed, and just had the shower with my pants around my ankles.

[2273] And, like, it just started, it was like, ow, oh, oh.

[2274] It's like this, it's like, ah.

[2275] And you're like, what's happening?

[2276] You put soap on it in water.

[2277] How about dudes to get their dick tattooed?

[2278] Yeah.

[2279] What the fuck, man?

[2280] How much must that hurt?

[2281] Ah!

[2282] The sensitive area It hasn't built up any tolerance than anything Jesus Christ, man Maybe it feels really gay Maybe it feels awesome Again, your dick tattoo?

[2283] Yeah, maybe it's just like hard sex But probably not Harder!

[2284] No!

[2285] Brian wants to get fucked That's what he's trying to say I wonder if anybody's tattooed a dick And had them come on them Oh my god Who cares if that happened?

[2286] Like put the dragon wings on the balls He just squirts all over you They definitely have gotten hard before Dirt tattoos That's definitely happened.

[2287] Not even on purpose Not even in purpose.

[2288] It could just be in the purpose.

[2289] Incidental.

[2290] Especially, like, really crazy, freaky, gay bondage type dudes, you know?

[2291] Has Bravo been on that tattoo show yet?

[2292] Yeah.

[2293] I don't know.

[2294] I don't know.

[2295] I mean, it's aired.

[2296] No, that's what I mean.

[2297] It's definitely.

[2298] Yeah, it's aired.

[2299] I don't know.

[2300] I mean, I think they filmed the whole season in advance, and he just did it a couple months ago.

[2301] It's a good -ass tattoo, man. That's a chicken.

[2302] She's a really good artist.

[2303] Eddie Bravo got his grandmother tattooed on his chest.

[2304] Yeah, it's incredible.

[2305] By Kat Von B. Yeah.

[2306] Incredible artwork, man. I fucking love those tattoos.

[2307] I don't have any of them, but I love those portraits.

[2308] Yeah.

[2309] I think it'd be creepy.

[2310] I think it's creepy.

[2311] Like, oh, my God.

[2312] Well, unless it means something for Eddie, his grandmother was like the person who really cared about him when he was a kid.

[2313] Some dude that went to high school with you.

[2314] That would be nuts.

[2315] You went to high school with a kid, and then all of a sudden you run into him and he's got you tattooed on his arm.

[2316] He'd be like, listen, man, it's ironic.

[2317] We just picked you out of the yearbook at random.

[2318] Don't be weird about it.

[2319] You ever see that crazy bitch that's got, I'm going to kill you, Ray Romano tattooed on her back?

[2320] No. Does she hate Ray Romano?

[2321] No, she just did it like because, you know, everybody loves Raymond was out.

[2322] Oh.

[2323] Should you get that tattooed?

[2324] Tattooed as a tramp stamp.

[2325] It says, I'm going to kill you, Ray Romano.

[2326] And so she's taking pictures out.

[2327] People are interested in the internet.

[2328] How crazy is that bitch?

[2329] I mean, if that bitch ever has kids, and the kids can never take her seriously.

[2330] Like, mom, listen to me, you've done ass.

[2331] You've got, I'm going to kill you Ray Romano on your fucking back.

[2332] Who's Ray Romano?

[2333] There was a popular sitcom.

[2334] Bad decisions, you've done, bitch.

[2335] That might have been your best impression, Brian.

[2336] Hey, R. Hi.

[2337] Hey, it's Kermit Fri.

[2338] No, it's big.

[2339] he's hilarious that guy I started working with him like way way back in the early 90s we did Jimmy's Comedy Alley in um I think it was in Queens somewhere in New York I think it was in Queens and he he was the headline I was the middle I got to see him like when he was at his peak he was a really really good stand -up man when he came back to it he was good still yeah well he's always good he's just he's just a great delivery you know he's just and he's a super nice guy is he super clean back now?

[2340] Yeah he's always been kind of clean you know I mean not completely clean like he did a bit on Kevin and Bean's show last year yeah the April foolishness hilarious bit about if guys could blow ourselves we would have to wear like a dog collar it was really funny get more into it no so you couldn't so you keep your husband from blowing himself you would have to put out like one of those dog dogs would have to it was very funny man it was a really good bit that I meant like bodd or something no no no it was very funny and he had a bunch of good stuff, you know.

[2341] Just, I mean, even stuff like about his son pooping, you know, you think it's like his innocent job, but it's really well -worded and great timing and a really good economy of words.

[2342] He's a really good craftsman, you know, with his material.

[2343] That's why his show was so funny.

[2344] That guy, I met him, you know, years and years ago.

[2345] You steal his job?

[2346] I did.

[2347] I didn't steal.

[2348] Somebody else stole it.

[2349] I know.

[2350] Luckily, somebody else told it.

[2351] I stole it from that guy.

[2352] Who, the guy in the pilot?

[2353] Yes.

[2354] Yes.

[2355] He got it.

[2356] And then they fly.

[2357] They didn't want him for the actual show and then they hired me. That's what happened.

[2358] So I didn't, I didn't I feel bad.

[2359] There was already a guy before me. I just took it from him.

[2360] But Ray was a friend, so it was weird to run into him.

[2361] But then all of a sudden he got his show, which was like a hundred times more successful with his radio.

[2362] And was perfect because he controlled the whole thing.

[2363] And when we were hanging out when you first got the show, it was me and him and Kevin, James, we're all eating dinner at Jerry's Deli.

[2364] And Ray was like obsessive.

[2365] Maybe if I have the guy come in like this and just kept going.

[2366] He was like obsessed.

[2367] Yeah, just putting it together perfectly.

[2368] You know, he was really like trying to construct.

[2369] it in his head.

[2370] You know, he was obsessed with it.

[2371] It wasn't, it was, it wasn't any good luck at all with him.

[2372] I heard of him that he had taped this HBO special back when it really meant something.

[2373] And they were holding it for like a year, a year and a half, where they're like, no, we're not ready to release yet because we want to do this.

[2374] He's like, come, I just, I'm broke.

[2375] I need some money.

[2376] Please, people will see it.

[2377] Right.

[2378] Well, that's what those are the stories.

[2379] I have no idea.

[2380] That's always a concern.

[2381] When you have a special and you film it, you don't own it.

[2382] And this is that before the internet, you know, you could really get crazy and go, you no, I'm going to fucking release this on the internet.

[2383] You guys can suck my dick if you're really crazy.

[2384] You know, if they caught you, though, you'd be fucked.

[2385] They caught you, and they could prove that you took away the profits for your own thing.

[2386] Like, they pulled my shit from YouTube, my own shit.

[2387] Yeah.

[2388] They've had that.

[2389] Yeah.

[2390] That's nuts.

[2391] When your own bits get pulled off your own YouTube page.

[2392] Brian gave me the advice.

[2393] He said, he said, don't say HBO.

[2394] They'll do searches for that.

[2395] Ah, that's very smart.

[2396] That's right.

[2397] That's right.

[2398] Yeah.

[2399] Yeah, do you put that up online, your HBO set?

[2400] Some of it.

[2401] Are they going to do more of those, the Down Dirties?

[2402] No. No more?

[2403] No. They didn't like it?

[2404] I didn't think that ratings or something.

[2405] They didn't promote it very well in there.

[2406] HBO does not really handle comedy that well.

[2407] It's just what they decide to promote it.

[2408] Yeah, which they decide to promote it.

[2409] But too often, like, it seems like they're just trying to put things that are, like, different.

[2410] It's not like, whether they're...

[2411] That new one is all sober comedy.

[2412] That's a new series with Boss and Norton.

[2413] Oh, really?

[2414] All sober people.

[2415] The good thing about that is a lot of the guys that are sober are sober for a reason.

[2416] Oh, right, yeah, absolutely.

[2417] So they've got some great stories.

[2418] So they're all.

[2419] Oh, no, it ain't church sobriety.

[2420] This is like, I fucked out my life sobriety.

[2421] There's a lot of dudes like that.

[2422] There was a lot of dudes that were doing a clean, clean Christians of comedy.

[2423] Christian tour, yeah.

[2424] They were a bankload.

[2425] Oh, my God.

[2426] And they would do like arenas.

[2427] They would do arenas, like big church arenas in the south, like giant fucking places.

[2428] And just terrible, terrible, hat meed and he came in and he said ma 'am that's not my hat seriously though it's all for him it's all for the grace just really like you know and this is a big push for that with a lot of people like they want the lowest standard possible you're gonna submit you're gonna you're gonna broadcast the lowest possible standard and there's so many people that want to hear that whether it's in country music or it's Sarah Palin talking or it's you know they want no difference between you and them you are just as smart as them you don't talk down and in fact you talk them up and make them out to be much more than they really are and that's like a big and if you're religious it's like it's for the grace of God or whatever they get into it it's like cool it's so crazy it's so spooky that we've gotten our culture has made things so easy for idiots to survive it's so I mean most of what there's so many people that do so many different things that are so useless and they're going to be replaced by robots he said on The Simpsons Ned Flaren is what they watch a comedy concert He goes, that was the worst Christian rock concept I've ever seen.

[2429] He goes to take a sentence as Chris Rock.

[2430] And he goes, so many F words.

[2431] That's hilarious.

[2432] Oh, that's hilarious.

[2433] The worst Christian rock show that I've ever.

[2434] That's hilarious.

[2435] Yeah, I just think it's so easy to be a retard these days because there's so many other people that you join with.

[2436] Did you ever see the video?

[2437] There's a, I think the guy was a comic who interviewed these people waiting to see Sarah Palin in a book signing.

[2438] There was like a whole fucking giant.

[2439] line of people and it's like three degrees outside they're freezing their ass off and they're waiting for hours to come in and meet sarah palin and so this dude goes and interviews them and asks some questions what would you like about miss miss palan policies it's all the same nonsense nobody has a clue but in all fairness i've seen the same thing with obama you know when they've interviewed people that they're yeah they got no idea they just know he's black and he's talking really good and he's good who did the thing was i think it was baba buoy or stuttering john or something so it might have been stern or might have been leno but they went or might someone else completely but they went downtown and asked about what do you think about Obama what do you think of his running mate Sarah Palin people are like oh I think she's great I think she's great I got who do you are you a Democrat Republican they're like what about you know you know Joe Biden been like that forever I watched that Gonzo that got no idea Hunter S. Thompson and back in you know the 1970s when he was running Feeder and Loading on the campaign trail there's the same thing they were asking all these different people like who you're voting for it no one had a fucking clue yeah why anybody who does or no not that that guy.

[2440] Okay, no, not that guy.

[2441] And I was like, who the fuck are you voting for?

[2442] And that guy's vote counts.

[2443] Just as much scholar.

[2444] Yeah, they're like Obama, so you know, he wants to go to war with Iraq more.

[2445] How do you feel about that?

[2446] Well, I'm for it.

[2447] Do you think that Obama has any say, or do you think it's all war shit?

[2448] What do you think literally happens when you win?

[2449] Do you think you've been briefed before you ever win?

[2450] And so this is what's going to happen.

[2451] You're going to be given an agenda.

[2452] You're going to be asked to follow certain protocol.

[2453] You will consult with these people.

[2454] before any decision, before any press conference, it will be reviewed.

[2455] I think there's some of that, but I think they're also just met with, with checks and balances.

[2456] It's way harder to get things done than you think.

[2457] Right.

[2458] You know, and you have to make allegiances, and you have to give certain things in order to get, like, all, you know?

[2459] Definitely.

[2460] There's definitely a lot of that.

[2461] There's definitely a lot of, there's definitely a lot of.

[2462] And if you want to just get something done, it's not that easy.

[2463] No. No, it's not.

[2464] But, okay, but what's with, like, him saying that he wanted, was it all bullshit, that he didn't want to have troops over there?

[2465] And then all of a sudden, he pulls them out of Iraq and sends him off to Afghanistan.

[2466] And what does that all?

[2467] Because I think he realized, like, oh, I can't just pull them out.

[2468] That creates a vacuum of power that will be, you know, terrible.

[2469] Right.

[2470] What I wanted to do, now I'd know more and I can't do it.

[2471] Is that what it does?

[2472] You know, what I think what they've got to do at some point in time, they've got to have some math.

[2473] If they really want to get people to like the United States in other countries, there has to be some massive goodwill operation.

[2474] Where we go to these impoverished countries, these places that have been wrecked by war, by devastation, by all these different things that are going on.

[2475] And we have to help the fuck out of them.

[2476] Because if we don't do that, then other people are going to look at us and go, why would we look up to the United States?

[2477] Just because it used to be, just because it's the biggest superpower because they have the most missiles, you know, why would we give a fuck about them?

[2478] And if the people at the very top aren't the most generous, then the whole system below you seems unfair and people get fucking pissed off.

[2479] There's something in Old Testament, or light them to the nations.

[2480] Yes.

[2481] It's a little way, you know, lead by example of what you want them to do.

[2482] Sure.

[2483] If you're in that position, if you're in the position to be generous, if you're in the position to help, if you're in the position, it's just, we're just ganking shit.

[2484] That's the problem.

[2485] We want the oil.

[2486] Fuck you.

[2487] Give us that natural gas.

[2488] Suck it.

[2489] We're going to get, you know, where's those poppy seeds?

[2490] Where's the heroin grown?

[2491] Right here, shut the fuck up and sit down.

[2492] We're bringing in guns and tanks and fucking jets.

[2493] And we're going to have spaces that fly around you by remote control and shoot missiles into canyons and shit.

[2494] Dude, you ever watch those videos online?

[2495] They have videos of them launching missiles from like helicopters and shit.

[2496] at these people that are walking with donkeys?

[2497] I mean, it's fucking nuts, man. They're walking.

[2498] You see them, like, walking up the hill.

[2499] We've got the target.

[2500] Shall we engage?

[2501] And you see it like in this red.

[2502] Does they have arms in the donkey's case or something?

[2503] Who the fuck knows what they're doing?

[2504] I mean, you know, it could have been somebody just said the wrong thing to some fucking general.

[2505] Who knows?

[2506] I don't know what they did.

[2507] I mean, I'm just watching a video.

[2508] It could be that they're, you know, some high -level operatives and they're moving through their secret cave outts.

[2509] Yeah.

[2510] Who the fuck knows?

[2511] John Hepron's watching.

[2512] Powerful John Hefron.

[2513] the also the comedy club at Skyline Comedy in Wisconsin what are you saying Skyline Comedy Club is watching and they were like come to Appleton Wisconsin Where's John Hepburn playing next?

[2514] Where is John Hepburn playing next?

[2515] I've only been to Wisconsin once and went to some crazy summer festival they have really?

[2516] Yeah it was awesome it was outside and a tent thousands of people Was it awesome outside?

[2517] Yeah it was a really great crowd but it was like a lot of people with babies and shit and I'm saying all this man nasty shit.

[2518] I'm like, I'm sorry, folks.

[2519] Babies don't bother me nearly as much as like a 10 -year -old.

[2520] Yeah, there was kids too, man. There was everybody.

[2521] And I was, I did all my shit because there was a lot of young people in the front.

[2522] There was a majority.

[2523] It was like hundreds and hundreds of young people.

[2524] And then behind them, there was like a mixed bag.

[2525] But the people that were sitting were all like, you know, your average comedy club audience.

[2526] There was just a bunch of people outside and people are standing up and walking around.

[2527] And it's in a big giant tent.

[2528] It was so strange.

[2529] But I would do it once because it was too dirty.

[2530] They would not have any back.

[2531] John Hepron's in Atlanta Where's he at?

[2532] Punchline?

[2533] Punchline.

[2534] Powerful John Hephron.

[2535] Very, very funny guy.

[2536] Funnier every time I see him.

[2537] Go soon.

[2538] John Hefron's great.

[2539] He should come to Arizona.

[2540] Well, I think John Hephron will tell you that he would love to come to Arizona if the improv comes with the shekels.

[2541] You know what I'm saying?

[2542] You've got to come with the shekels for my man, John Hephron.

[2543] So what do you think about Little Wayne?

[2544] Little Wayne went to jail.

[2545] It's about time.

[2546] Do you think so?

[2547] Just another one.

[2548] Ari, he has crazy tattooed up.

[2549] Have you seen how much he's tattooed out?

[2550] His whole body's done.

[2551] Yeah, we've got to put that online for people who haven't seen it because it's fucking bizarre.

[2552] Like, it's so crazy.

[2553] Like, it's hard to believe that this dude has this many tattoos.

[2554] I mean, like, his whole body's fucking tattoo.

[2555] Ready to wrap it up.

[2556] Shut the fuck up.

[2557] We're looking for Little Wayne tattoos.

[2558] You need some coffee sign.

[2559] I got so much shit to do.

[2560] What do you have to do?

[2561] I have to get a Macy's.

[2562] Okay, sounds hard.

[2563] What are you going to do there?

[2564] Right away, I would never trade lives with you.

[2565] Right off the bat.

[2566] That just sounds so horrible that there's no way I wish I'd have to find my worst enemy.

[2567] Okay, got to go to Macy's.

[2568] Got to go to Macy's.

[2569] Yeah.

[2570] It's hard to find a new one.

[2571] Oh, here's a good one.

[2572] Here's a good new one.

[2573] God damn, this dude's got a lot of tattoos.

[2574] Look at this shit.

[2575] Oh, my God.

[2576] That's incredible.

[2577] Cash money?

[2578] Yeah.

[2579] Nice.

[2580] This is incredible.

[2581] He's in a position where it really just doesn't matter.

[2582] He's not going to get a job.

[2583] Yeah, well, he doesn't have to do that ever.

[2584] Man, that's nuts.

[2585] I'll put this up on to him.

[2586] It's crazy, man. The dude just went off and tattooed his whole body.

[2587] That's like a big trailer right now.

[2588] Do you do it all at once?

[2589] No. I don't know, man. Soldier Boy seems to have that Soldier Boy did the same thing.

[2590] Tattooed his face, tattooed his hands.

[2591] Tattooed his chest, his whole arms.

[2592] I mean, he just went nutty.

[2593] If you're Googling Soldier Boy, you can't find it.

[2594] You're spelling it.

[2595] wrong.

[2596] Yeah, it's like a brother soldier, S -O -U -L -J -A, Hala.

[2597] And also Google Soldier Boy, ice cream kitty.

[2598] Ice cream kitty.

[2599] Yeah.

[2600] Powerful Shafir.

[2601] You got to unblock me from me on Twitter.

[2602] Don't be rude.

[2603] I can't even follow you.

[2604] You guys both fucking bug me too much.

[2605] You know we can still read it, right?

[2606] You know we can still read it.

[2607] Whatever you want.

[2608] You just have to go and make a search for it.

[2609] I promise I won't bug you anymore.

[2610] No, it still lets you just go to your...

[2611] We can go to the website, it's not true.

[2612] No, you go to the website, yeah.

[2613] It doesn't come up in your stream.

[2614] No, not on this, not on TweetDeck.

[2615] But we can always go to your pages and see what you're up to.

[2616] Come on, man, I close back in.

[2617] But you can't fuck with me when I can't complain about wanting to commit suicide.

[2618] I won't.

[2619] I won't.

[2620] I won't fuck with you.

[2621] I'll buy anything anymore.

[2622] You don't really want to commit suicide.

[2623] You just want to be happier, right?

[2624] Would you rather if you had the two options?

[2625] Right.

[2626] Well, that's like, you don't really want to throw a touchdown pass.

[2627] You just want to win.

[2628] However, I get there, it's fine.

[2629] It's not like that.

[2630] It's not like that at all.

[2631] Look, this life's a gamble.

[2632] That's what Lil Wayne has to say about it.

[2633] This whole lot of body is like a fortune cookie.

[2634] He's got little fortune cookie sayings all over his body.

[2635] Wow, it's so weird.

[2636] That's like really fucking, really bad tattoos, man. It's weird.

[2637] That's a real trend that guys are getting these really bad tattoos.

[2638] It's like prison tattoos.

[2639] But the crazy thing is, you know, it caused himself a gangster on this crazy shit.

[2640] But he goes to jail, and the first thing he did was going to protective custody.

[2641] Oh, because they're afraid of...

[2642] How did you do that?

[2643] You just apply?

[2644] That's a good question, man. I think you just say, you know...

[2645] Does it have that in a plea ahead of time?

[2646] Like, you can't put him in dinner off the place.

[2647] You got to say, my client is, you know, a very wealthy man who, you know, a lot of people could get a name off beating him up, and he's not a very big man, and he's concerned for safety.

[2648] One of my favorite things is when idiots like us.

[2649] try to walk through the law and what we would say to a judge in order to get things done when we're only going up old law on -water episodes they were sort of guessing.

[2650] Yeah, old episodes of the fall guy, shit.

[2651] I think what you would have to do is tell a judge's, Your Honor?

[2652] I don't even know what's...

[2653] Do you remember when TV shows had you convinced that you could tell it like if a cop was like undercover cop you'd say, are you a cop?

[2654] And they have to tell you this.

[2655] Truth what?

[2656] Yeah, I'm a cop.

[2657] You got me. You got off this time, Lefty.

[2658] But next time you're not.

[2659] Are you?

[2660] Yeah, they would never be You guys are never going to trick me. Like, what?

[2661] They would never do that.

[2662] They don't have to tell you their cops.

[2663] That's ridiculous.

[2664] If you're doing something illegal, a cop can let you do that illegal shit.

[2665] They can do illegal shit with you.

[2666] They can do fucking cocaine with you to arrest you for cocaine.

[2667] How about that?

[2668] That's legal.

[2669] They can get away with it.

[2670] How nutty is that?

[2671] Because if they go undercover, they're going to have to do drugs with you.

[2672] If you're doing drugs and you want to be a part of some motorcycle gang and the motorcycle gang is doing drugs, you got to do drugs with it.

[2673] There's no way to not be able to.

[2674] But yeah, on TV, they're going to do drugs.

[2675] like, I don't know to dump it off the side with the one special episode where they had to do it.

[2676] Yes, exactly.

[2677] They throw it, they fake it.

[2678] Oh, amazing stuff.

[2679] Give you an antidote pill.

[2680] This will immediately nullify the cocaine.

[2681] So as soon as you take it, make your way into the bathroom.

[2682] It almost got to agree with a drug.

[2683] Great for job interviews.

[2684] Yeah, exactly.

[2685] I mean, I, you hear about that all the time with DEA agents.

[2686] The DEA agents get addicted to drugs because they have to do them with these fucking people to get in with them.

[2687] And then also, I think, they just see that fucking lifestyle and they become crazy.

[2688] They see how many people are getting a, within.

[2689] I think if you were in the position to really be investigating drugs in this country, you would see there's so much drugs coming in.

[2690] It's like an unstoppable force.

[2691] And he would start wondering, what are we putting our resources towards?

[2692] Why isn't this shit legal where they can tax it and make money off of it?

[2693] You know, why can't they just go after the illegal people?

[2694] It's just like prohibition.

[2695] When prohibition happened in the 30s, all that shit did, or in the 20s, it's like, when in then, like 1933 or something like that?

[2696] All it did was just made people that were more dangerous, sell it.

[2697] It made people that weren't afraid to break the law.

[2698] It just made organized crime stronger.

[2699] It kept it out of a lot of people's hands.

[2700] It must have.

[2701] Do you think so?

[2702] Yes, it must have.

[2703] I don't know, man. I think it made people angry about getting busted with it and selling it, but I think people want to get drunk.

[2704] I know, but aren't going to break the law or really risk it.

[2705] You know, there's a lot of people who are like, oh, I guess we can't have it anymore.

[2706] I mean, did you ever research it or do you're just specular?

[2707] I'm just specular, completely.

[2708] But if they made cigarettes illegal, completely illegal, there's a lot of people would stop smoking.

[2709] I wonder if it would be like Catholic schoolgirls and being whore.

[2710] they're not all wars though they're not all words there's a disproportionate amount yeah they're saying I'm growing up around a lot of Catholic school girls it was common knowledge amongst my friends that Catholic school girls that's crazy because religious Jewish school really not well I think Catholicism is so ridiculous that I think even like look when you're dealing with a religion where a gigantic percentage of the men who are in power are fucking little kids another one got cut because they said he was gay it's another anti -gay rights oh no no that was Roy Ashburn yeah that was the guy who was he was the guy who was the guy who's the guy in Proposition 8 he got caught he admitted he was gay but that guy's not a priest and he's not fucking kids he's just gay you're like they're all the same faggots fucking pedophiles you lump this guy in with a pedophile priest but that religion is so ridiculous that there's there's a giant percentage of the men who are pushing this religion are also fucking horrible pedophiles that ruin people's lives if you know anybody that's Catholic if you grew up in a Catholic community you know a bunch of people that have been molested everybody knows somebody I know two people that got hit on by priests I know my my friend Tony he had a fight off a priest and my friend John had a fight off a priest they get attacked his priest fucking drool on them and breathe on and pull the discs and my friend Bo another dude I know three dudes I know three dudes they got a tithe they're all Catholic I know a girl settlement that money from a settlement dude there's so many settlements if you stop and look do you know New Mexico has some crazy -ass fucking law or they used to it one point in time where you could, if you had sex with a girl, like a man could not have sex with a girl, like it was normal age.

[2711] It was like the age of consent was like 18.

[2712] But if a man to have sex with a boy, the age of consent was like 13.

[2713] Really?

[2714] It's fucking crazy.

[2715] And the reason why supposedly this was enacted is that the Catholic Church put pressure on them to keep this in place so they can fucking chip all their crazy, sweet boy ass.

[2716] And they wouldn't be illegal when they were doing.

[2717] I don't know if this is true.

[2718] This is all speculation.

[2719] This is all on the internet.

[2720] But I do know that the fact, no, that's speculation.

[2721] The fact is that the age of consent for male to boy was 13.

[2722] That's fucking nuts, man. Same sex and males was like 13.

[2723] Whereas opposite sex, like boys and girls.

[2724] What's really crazy now is the sexting thing, man, where kids are going to jail for child pornography because we take a picture for their crazy.

[2725] They really, they came down at some point with like a no tolerance.

[2726] I don't care if you made it.

[2727] You can't have it on your hard drive.

[2728] No one can have it.

[2729] And with those laws, like we can't make an exception for anyone.

[2730] They are attacking sluts.

[2731] for sending pictures of their pussy to guys.

[2732] They're attacking girls for being silly.

[2733] It's basically the same thing.

[2734] Because you show me yours, I'll show you mine.

[2735] We all played that when we were kids.

[2736] But then the problem is, then it gets out to fucking pedophiles and makes them go crazy.

[2737] That's what they said they don't want anyone to have it.

[2738] Really?

[2739] So we're talking about it again.

[2740] The point is, send us some sweet pictures of your 13 -year -old Bush.

[2741] Right, this is an important shit.

[2742] It's a fascinating, goddamn thing's important.

[2743] There's a damn thing about it.

[2744] Why, I should fuck up.

[2745] Don't cry for a juicy conversation.

[2746] It's fascinating shit, man The idea that you can put kids in jail Because they take pictures of their pussy You know, the dude sends a picture of his dick To some girl in school And now he's locked in a cage You know, that's silly People throughout time There's a charge in whipping your dick out If you cover someone's dick up They're gonna want to whip it out You know, we all live naked and free You know, you wouldn't have to worry about this shit But then people would start fucking Way earlier Yeah, right?

[2747] We all live naked and free You wouldn't be able to trust anybody everywhere Someone would actually fuck by accident It would have to happen I wonder how much suppression we really have by walking around naked, like how much different we'd be if we walked around naked, you know, by walking around all clothed up, but I wonder how much more different our behavior is.

[2748] I will tell you this, this is the comparison, is that, so any sort of nudity is like a novelty.

[2749] When I was Sherman of Gia, when I wouldn't touch women, you know, when I would touch me, even on the arm or something, like, oh, it was like an electric sort of feel.

[2750] Wow.

[2751] They got way more sexual.

[2752] So I think covering up and stopping yourself makes you more sexual.

[2753] Yeah.

[2754] So that if you're completely unclothed, you'd be able.

[2755] makes it more urgent yeah when I first came to LA and I first acted in a sitcom I didn't like being here I didn't like this the sit the whole sitcom situation was really bad it's a lot of negative energy and a set a lot of fighting going on with the network and the producers and the writers and I broke up with my girlfriend and I moved out here and we were still talking about the phone but I didn't I didn't know anybody here I was out here for a few weeks I didn't talk to anybody didn't hang out with anybody and then this chick we were laughing about something she gave me a hug on the set and she gave me a hug and it was the best feeling in the world it wasn't like a regular hug like she hit me with this hug and I was like it was like I needed it like she gave me a glass of water like oh you know and it was just a hug man she was just being nice and she gave me a nice hug and rub my back and I was like wow that felt so good I just felt you need that shit human contact yeah if you go like a few weeks or a month without touching anybody that guy that we were talking about earlier that lives in the arctic he went uh I think eight months at one point by himself just up there hunting and he said it was way too much he said he went crazy.

[2756] That guy's just living wild, man. You got to see that it's on VBS TV.

[2757] I think his name is Hymmo.

[2758] Hymos Arctic Refuge.

[2759] Just look up Arctic VBS