#139 - Duncan Trussell

[0] What an interesting guy.

[1] I've been reading his book, The 4 -Hour Body is the one I've been reading.

[2] It's so fucking informative.

[3] There's so much in there, man, about so many different things.

[4] His own personal, detailed examinations and experience he's done with his own body, like gaining 30 pounds over a course of six weeks and did all this bodybuilding stuff and all these different things where he combined foods and nutrients in different times of the day.

[5] And he detailed everything.

[6] And it's fucking really interesting.

[7] And one of the things that he detailed is that his balls were getting...

[8] cooked by his cell phone and it was killing his sperm count.

[9] Like he's totally healthy.

[10] He just gained all this muscle, right?

[11] He's lifting weights, doing all this kettlebells and shit.

[12] Figures he's healthy as a horse.

[13] Gets his sperm checked just for whatever.

[14] I mean, I know it's going to come back awesome.

[15] You know, it's one of those things.

[16] My loads are going to be awesome.

[17] They're going to be glowing.

[18] Well, he goes and his sperm is like down significantly.

[19] So the only thing he does to change it is he adds some, I believe, Brazil nuts to his diet.

[20] Because Brazil nuts contain certain mineral.

[21] minerals or something like that that's supposed to be good for your sperm count.

[22] And took his cell phone out of his pocket.

[23] No longer had his cell phone on him.

[24] Apparently there's studies online that show a significant...

[25] correlation between having your cell phone in your pocket and low sperm count.

[26] Can I ask you why it was important to him to have a good sperm count?

[27] Well, he wanted to know what was going on with his body.

[28] Because his whole thing is about him experimenting with his body and trying different things that people have tried to get optimum performance out of your body.

[29] Is sperm count the number of sperm that are live and healthy?

[30] It's not the loads.

[31] The size of the loads could be the same.

[32] But inside those loads is just a dead fuck.

[33] Is it heat?

[34] Ghost ship.

[35] Is it heat?

[36] It arrives like, you know, here comes my boys.

[37] The fucking boat hits the beach at Normandy and every living soldier is just dead.

[38] They're just slumped over.

[39] That's terrifying.

[40] So my loads could be filled with dead snakes.

[41] In fact, a good friend of mine had a really hard time getting his girlfriend pregnant, his wife pregnant.

[42] And they went to a doctor and he's not even 40.

[43] And he found out that he had a really low sperm cancer.

[44] And he's kind of freaked out about it.

[45] You know, he's like, well, what the fuck?

[46] And he's thinking about all these different things.

[47] But one of those things could easily be your cell phone.

[48] Your cell phone is cooking your balls.

[49] Your laptop does that, too.

[50] Yeah, well, that's heat, though.

[51] Is this what you're talking about, heat or radiation?

[52] No, it's the signal.

[53] It's the megahertz.

[54] It's the spectrum, the radio spectrum that is a cell phone.

[55] That's a good question.

[56] Apparently having the receiver right next to your balls is really bad for your balls.

[57] Your balls are just battling this radiation.

[58] Now, I just want to say, I've done no research other than read what he said.

[59] So I haven't researched this online, tried to debunk it.

[60] It's like the brain cancer.

[61] It switches left and right every time.

[62] Every time they say, oh no, cell phones give you brain cancer.

[63] But they say it's true one day and then it's true not the other day.

[64] I don't think...

[65] First of all, I don't think it has to give you brain damage to be fucking you up.

[66] It could be fucking you up.

[67] In subtle ways.

[68] It's very possible.

[69] It doesn't necessarily have to give you tumors.

[70] But if the potential for giving you tumors is there, what does that mean?

[71] That it either kills you or it does nothing to you?

[72] So either it turns your fucking head into a grapefruit, you know, and pineapples start growing off the side of your brain, or it does nothing.

[73] That's ridiculous to me. To me, that seems like we're being silly.

[74] That's a silly way of looking at health.

[75] It has no effect on you other than...

[76] maybe kills your brain.

[77] I just tweeted this thing in Virginia.

[78] There's a part of Virginia that is a cell phone free zone because there's some kind of radio telescopes out there and they want to have the purest signal and they don't want any disruption.

[79] So there's a name for these zones and these people have been moving to this town.

[80] I can't remember the name of it.

[81] Green something West Virginia.

[82] It's on my last tweet.

[83] But they've been moving to this town because they think that they're sensitive to cell phone frequencies and they break out in rashes.

[84] And this article, it said that the UN has acknowledged that this does exist, this health problem does exist, but there's no proof that it's from cell phones.

[85] But there are people who get really sick when they're in cell phone areas.

[86] And I'm sure a lot of them are kooks, but who knows?

[87] Well, that's a good guess because a lot of...

[88] Everybody, whenever outrageous claims come up, you've got to think a certain percentage of them are kooks.

[89] But I don't think we've completely assessed the effects of all these wireless signals.

[90] Think of that shit, man. Think about the fucking megabytes of information pouring through the air at any second.

[91] It's like the information that can create.

[92] The beautiful world of Warcraft is like flying around me at every second.

[93] That can't be good for you.

[94] That's so much information just blasting out of your modem at all times.

[95] How is that not going to affect you in some way?

[96] Yeah, even if you can't process the information rationally, is your brain still tuning into it?

[97] Like all these wireless signals that are in our...

[98] I mean, we never think about that because it really hasn't...

[99] Wireless...

[100] like real full wireless like we have now with like internet and you know and radio signals where your cordless phones are on a certain frequency and then of course cell phones yeah this is really kind of recent right like how many years has it been slowly since the 80s right yeah but even started why i don't know when wireless routers started i mean like much more recently yeah yeah so yeah there were cell phones but i bet the information that was coming through was less it had to have been because fewer people had cell phones I remember the first time I got a computer that was wireless.

[101] I was like, this is the craziest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life.

[102] I'm nowhere near a wire and I'm online.

[103] Right.

[104] And that's when you really start to think how crazy the fucking internet is.

[105] That this thing that I can't see can fly through the air at like ridiculous speeds and sits on my laptop and I get all the answers to anything.

[106] It's basically, this is a magic box that lets me have every answer to everything that's ever been asked.

[107] That human pings have answered.

[108] But what's coming through the air?

[109] Isn't it just a, is it like a sound that's telling your computer?

[110] It's a signal.

[111] It's a signal that's like ones and zeros, basically.

[112] It's at a certain frequency, yeah.

[113] It's like the old dial tone sound that used to dial in using a 56K modem, but quiet.

[114] I believe that wireless internet was invented by Nikola Tesla, too.

[115] I believe the concept of it came from his work.

[116] Is that true?

[117] You did that drunk Tesla.

[118] Yeah.

[119] And if you haven't seen this, folks, I retweeted it just the other day.

[120] I saw it.

[121] One of my favorite videos.

[122] I think it's one of the funniest videos ever.

[123] First of all, it's so informative.

[124] It's really interesting.

[125] A lot of people don't even know who Nikola Tesla is.

[126] He was this amazing genius.

[127] And one of my...

[128] personal best examples of that i have a lot of i have a lot of theories about brilliant people and a lot of the brilliant people that i've met have been crazy you know there's there's something there they might not be a hundred percent crazy you know maybe it's only 10 crazy maybe they're hanging on with 20 or 30 crazy but to i almost believe to be super super brilliant at something like tesla was like at that level so far beyond everybody else that almost like you have to be you quirks too out you can't you can't be balanced there's no way well remember when you were a kid and you would play make -believe with your friends yeah and whatever that was that you did like i don't know cowboys and indians i play with my daughter all the time so when you so now imagine this imagine that you had to play that game for the rest of your life Even though you knew you were playing with kids and you knew it was just this big kids game, maybe when people get super, super, super smart, they recognize that they're sort of trapped in this dimension where everybody's deeply engrossed in what amounts to a baby's game that they all think is very important.

[129] They all think it's really serious.

[130] But you recognize, oh, no, this isn't even a 1 % of what exists in the world.

[131] This isn't even 1%.

[132] These idiots are playing the game.

[133] of presidents and country and army and police officer and married person, but it's just a game.

[134] Maybe when you get really, really smart, you see that, and all of a sudden, if you're not really smart or if you're just one of us, you just normally play the game.

[135] You don't even think about it.

[136] You wake up, go to work, you just play the game.

[137] But imagine if you knew this was a make -believe game, so every day you woke up and you're like, well, gotta go play with it.

[138] Play this absurd, silly game.

[139] And you just knew it.

[140] Then you'd start doing weird shit.

[141] Because it'd be hard for you to just instinctually do all the different things that everyone does.

[142] You'd start doing weird shit.

[143] And people would be like, he's kind of off, isn't he?

[144] He's a little off.

[145] He doesn't shake hands.

[146] I wonder why he doesn't shake hands.

[147] What's shaking hands?

[148] It's a stupid fuck.

[149] I don't want to slap tentacles.

[150] I'm sorry.

[151] I don't feel like rubbing tentacles with you today.

[152] You don't want to touch people.

[153] You don't want to offer up your sword hand.

[154] I feel disrespected.

[155] You know, that's what it was.

[156] You would offer up your sword hand.

[157] That's right.

[158] You couldn't kill each other at that moment.

[159] I'm not going to stab you.

[160] That's not why in England they still drive on the left -hand side.

[161] You know, we drive on the right -hand side.

[162] They drive on the left because that was how you rode a horse and had your sword in your right hand.

[163] Douchebags coming in the other direction.

[164] You want to get them on your right side so you can sort his ass.

[165] Jesus Christ.

[166] That's why they drive on that side of the street.

[167] I mean, it makes sense because, look, realistically, it was just a couple hundred years ago and people were riding horses everywhere.

[168] Times were tough.

[169] That's not that long ago, man. I know.

[170] It's amazing when you stop and think about that.

[171] And Nikola Tesla is really one of the reasons why we're so fucking advanced.

[172] If you look back at the inventions that this guy was responsible for and all the patents that this guy was responsible for, It's a brilliant thing, and I don't remember hearing a fucking peep about him in high school.

[173] Somebody told me about him when I was in college, and it wasn't even in a class.

[174] Some dude was reading something about the guy, and he looked interesting on the cover.

[175] I think that's how I learned about Nikola Tesla.

[176] But, I mean, obviously I didn't take any science.

[177] Yeah, I'm sure.

[178] But I never hear about you hear about Thomas Edison.

[179] You hear about Benjamin Franklin, the people that invented him.

[180] Oh, he invented electricity.

[181] He went a kite with a fucking key.

[182] That's right.

[183] No, Nikola Tesla was talking to aliens, bitch.

[184] All right.

[185] That guy was inventing everything and wound up.

[186] dying like completely crazy at the end.

[187] Yeah, well, yeah, he was, I mean, I feel like I'm quoting the drunk history, but he is essentially, he was in love with a white pigeon, and he was wandering around New York, and, you know, New York was lit up with his technology, and he was just broke, and it was all there because it came out of his mind.

[188] You know what?

[189] I'll give you a weird little trivia fact.

[190] Who stole money from him?

[191] Was it Addison?

[192] Well, no, it was...

[193] How did he die broke?

[194] He died broke because he had some bad luck.

[195] One of his main laboratories burnt down.

[196] He had basically figured out in his mind a way to generate, I guess you'd consider it wireless electricity.

[197] He had this idea that rather than having to have an engine generating the electricity, the i don't know reality itself or every you know bit of reality had compressed within it enough energy to supply anything there's like energy all around us that was his idea we're just surrounded by energy and there's a way to tap into it and so he was a way to broadcast electricity like a radio well yeah yeah exactly i mean i guess you could if Assuming that you didn't have to have like, you know, a hydroelectric dam or oil or whatever to create energy.

[198] Assuming that in every...

[199] inch of the universe there was infinite energy then you would just every house would become a power plant it wouldn't all be based on wherever the main energy is coming from the nuclear power plant or whatever it would be some sort of device that you could put in your house that could channel the the energy you know like so channel but what what are they calling that energy like what is it just something we haven't figured out and discovered yet right something we haven't figured out so instead of this the crude method of pulling oil out of the ground and lighting it on fire That there's another step.

[200] Well, yeah.

[201] Or, you know, I mean, it's obvious.

[202] I mean, look at fucking solar panels.

[203] Right.

[204] I mean, there's enough energy from the sun to keep every...

[205] They need to make that the law.

[206] Why don't they just make that roofs?

[207] In California, you have to have solar panels on your roof.

[208] Well, fuck laws, man. You don't need to make more laws.

[209] The last thing we need is more people telling people what they have to spend their fucking money on.

[210] But it's also expensive to make them, and the amount of time it takes you to recoup, the amount it costs to install them and make them, it takes a long time.

[211] Right now, it's not financially a good deal.

[212] But don't they give you tag backs or whatever they're called?

[213] I don't know.

[214] They give you money back?

[215] I would think about doing it just to get off the...

[216] grid.

[217] When I lived in Colorado, I wanted to do that.

[218] Tom, what was it, Giasanas?

[219] Yeah.

[220] Fuck, I can't forget his name.

[221] A friend of mine.

[222] Anyway, he had a windmill set up at his house.

[223] That's cool.

[224] Yeah.

[225] Those are awesome, man. I love passing those fields of windmills.

[226] It's so cool.

[227] Yeah, he had a windmill set up at his house, and he was giving money back.

[228] Like they would give him money rather.

[229] They were giving energy back to the grid, which is crazy.

[230] He was making up his own energy.

[231] You know, man, the thing I've been thinking lately is that we live in such a funny time because I guess people just don't, like if you start saying things like, no, you know what?

[232] I have the feeling that there's actually another energy source out there that we haven't even stumbled upon yet.

[233] has like all a million times more energy than you could ever need if you say that now people really will you seem kind of like a fruit or a flake or an idiot or they're like you're well base it in science you don't know what that is or you don't know what you're talking about but There was a time when if you were just talking about electricity, you would have seen like an absolute lunatic.

[234] Like if you went around in the, I don't know, 1200s and started telling people, listen, there's this fucking energy called electricity that's more powerful than fire.

[235] You can use it to, you can run it through wires and if you touch it, you'll get electrocuted.

[236] They'd be like, get this fucking witch on the stake.

[237] What are you talking about, warlock?

[238] We are going to harness lightning.

[239] Yeah, yeah.

[240] What are you talking about, Frankenstein?

[241] What are you talking about?

[242] So in the same way, man, I think that there's probably...

[243] I've been thinking about it.

[244] I have this weird idea.

[245] Do you remember when Frankenstein, when he made that fucking chick?

[246] When they made Frankenstein and they actually had to get lightning to make him alive?

[247] They had to hit the tower with lightning.

[248] Wait, you mean they really did that?

[249] One of them.

[250] One of the movies.

[251] I'm sorry.

[252] Oh, the movie.

[253] Back to the Future?

[254] One of the Frankenstein movies.

[255] Remember when they did that?

[256] No, I know.

[257] Frankenstein was fucking...

[258] I know that, like, Frankenstein, whatever, like, had to have, like, a hit of lightning to bring the person to life.

[259] That's right.

[260] I'm sorry I interrupted you.

[261] So go back to what you're saying.

[262] Well, what I was thinking is, it's like, okay, so, like, what if...

[263] Like you look at like, this is something I so wish that you can do and you'll never be able to do it, but it would be so amazing to look at from the beginning of time to right now in like a 20 second fast forward to see what that blur of happening look like or the, you know, the evolution.

[264] It'd be so fun to be able to see in a real way what evolution look like from, you know, the evolution of a fucking, I don't know, the evolution of a chicken into a, or a dinosaur into a chicken.

[265] It'd be amazing to watch that thing happen really fast.

[266] It'd be really cool.

[267] But so like, OK, see, this is going to sound crazy.

[268] And I'm sorry if it seems rambling and weird because I haven't quite figured out how to articulate this idea.

[269] But like if you have OK, you have fire, fire leaves.

[270] Where there's been a fire, there's soot, there's ashes, black soot, whatever, from the carbons being released in the fire, right?

[271] The carbon, rather.

[272] So in the same way, I was thinking, what if there's another form of energy that's raging through time, and this form of energy, instead of leaving ashes, leaves evolved things?

[273] It's like the byproduct of the energy is that it causes things to evolve and advance and grow and become more sophisticated.

[274] Maybe that energy, there's literally an energy associated with evolution.

[275] There's an energy that you can tap into.

[276] Which is why computers are so amazing is because they can really tap into that energy right away in the form of open source software and stuff like that.

[277] And you see things that go open source or things that allow the most people to have the most inputs or the most intelligent people having the input.

[278] create the advance and whatever the thing is, you know, the classic example of it, a silly example of it is like Reddit where someone will write something and then the top comment inevitably will be so fucking funny because hundreds and hundreds of people have like voted it up to the top.

[279] So it creates this evolved way of getting information to float up to the surface.

[280] So in the same way, it's like, that's brilliant.

[281] It's fucking, it's yeah.

[282] So like, It's brilliant.

[283] It's awesome.

[284] It's the way our government should work.

[285] YouTube comments do that too, don't they?

[286] The most favorited?

[287] It goes up to the top.

[288] So that's a form of tuning into this energy, this evolutionary force as it's manifesting in the form of the most...

[289] The comment that is the strongest comment or the comment that works best in that particular zeitgeist or paradigm goes to the top.

[290] That comment is the fucking animal that survives.

[291] That comment's the animal that in its environment does the best, and it's getting there through people voting.

[292] But what I'm saying is technology has harnessed the evolutionary flow in that situation.

[293] So I'm thinking, okay, maybe evolution itself is an energy.

[294] What if you could fucking harness that shit?

[295] Remember in Star Trek, what was it called?

[296] The Genesis beam or whatever.

[297] They blast the planet with a thing that makes the life grow out of it all of a sudden.

[298] Wow, I don't remember that at all.

[299] Was that the new Star Trek?

[300] Reverse spoiler alert.

[301] New Star Trek?

[302] No, it's an old one.

[303] Like old Captain Kirk?

[304] No, I think it was the Wrath of Khan.

[305] Oh, the Wrath of Khan.

[306] Don't you remember the Wrath of Khan?

[307] Ricardo Montalban.

[308] Fuck yeah, with the ear.

[309] Khan.

[310] The ear mites.

[311] I was like, how the fuck are you going to have the dude from Fantasy Island be the bad guy in a fucking Star Trek movie?

[312] I think he did great.

[313] Get out of here, bitch.

[314] Yeah, he did great.

[315] He was great.

[316] Oh, he was great.

[317] I mean, he's a great actor.

[318] Don't get me wrong.

[319] But at the time, I was like, this is the dumbest shit I've ever heard of in my life.

[320] And they're like, no, Ricardo Montalban is a very respected actor.

[321] Yeah, he was, too.

[322] Handsome bastard, man. That handsome son of a bitch.

[323] Imagine what kind of pussy he got off of Fantasy Island.

[324] Your fantasies can come true.

[325] Didn't he just die?

[326] Did he die?

[327] I bet he overdosed from pussy.

[328] I bet the line of chicks that wanted to fuck him in the 70s is probably still outside of his house.

[329] they're just getting to him right now because i have no time for all you girls welcome to fantasy island he had his own midget he was the first guy on tv to have his own midget yeah and you know have you ever seen the pilot no it's kind of creepy man it's like diabolic like that character rourke that was his name right rourke was uh in the pilot it was almost like he was satan or something like he was like some dark being really yeah because you know in in history In occult history, witches always have imps or familiars.

[330] That's a common way to know that you're around.

[331] That's why, you know, like David Lynch in Twin Peaks, that spooky little fucking backwards -talking midget, you know, the guy, the table is for my God.

[332] Right.

[333] So, like, that's an occult symbol.

[334] Like, witches would always have around them in lore, they would always have, like, a cat, you know, some kind of creature, and sometimes they'd have a little imp or a creature with them.

[335] So, Montalban, Rourke's tattoo was his name.

[336] It seemed like in the pilot they were thinking, let's make this like, let's make him a Faustian character where he's like, where he's not, you know, he's maybe not giving people exactly what they want.

[337] Because remember, some people would want something and it'd fuck them up.

[338] Didn't they redo Fantasy Island for a little while?

[339] I don't know.

[340] Did they?

[341] Didn't they?

[342] Or was it the love boat?

[343] No, it was Fantasy Island.

[344] That's Jerry Red Wilson.

[345] Yeah, that's how he died.

[346] There's this comic named Jerry Red Wilson, and he was supposed to go and film Fantasy Island, and apparently he had meningitis, and he didn't know.

[347] He just had a headache.

[348] He knew something was wrong, and he went to the doctor, and I guess the line was ridiculous, and he wound up just couldn't take it anymore, and he left the doctor, and he wound up dying.

[349] Oh, shit.

[350] Yeah.

[351] Get yourself checked out, people.

[352] It's not a bad thing to do.

[353] Smart.

[354] But the point is I'm pretty sure he was going to do Fantasy Island.

[355] That was a fucking great show back in the day, dude.

[356] What a great idea.

[357] People have fantasies.

[358] They fly in.

[359] They get welcomed by this magic man. And this magical island is going to make your dreams come true and teach you a little lesson, bitch.

[360] They always taught you a nice little lesson and tucked you in quiet and then let you leave the island and you kind of get it now.

[361] Wait, did everyone who came in on that plane leave on the plane?

[362] Didn't some people not make it out?

[363] They all die.

[364] Did die?

[365] I think I've seen it once.

[366] I don't know anything about that shit.

[367] You can't have people die on your island, man. You see what happens with Aruba.

[368] There's always some fucking 19 -year -old chick from Arizona or something like that.

[369] It's just on a vacation.

[370] Aruba's like where they turn up missing.

[371] What's the one with the boat?

[372] Scary.

[373] What's the one with the boat?

[374] Not the Gilligan's Island, but the other one with the Love Boat.

[375] The Love Boat.

[376] I always got Love Boat and that show mixed up.

[377] Oh, did people die on the Love Boat?

[378] No fucking way.

[379] Did they cross those shows ever?

[380] I don't know.

[381] Probably.

[382] It seems like they did.

[383] They should.

[384] Like Love Boat Shipwrecks on Fantasy Island?

[385] Right.

[386] Something like that.

[387] Didn't Gopher from the Love Boat become a politician?

[388] He did, I believe.

[389] Did he?

[390] Yeah.

[391] Yeah, I need to research that.

[392] But I'm pretty sure he did.

[393] I'm pretty sure he became a senator or something.

[394] Politicians are...

[395] I cannot wait until the day, and this day will never come, but the day when we have zoos, where politicians are placed in zoos like antiquated things, like kids can come and look at them, like behold.

[396] Yeah, Fred Grandy, that's his name.

[397] He's a politician.

[398] He's a congressman.

[399] Used to be gopher.

[400] Weirdos, man. Wonder what kind of crazy shit they did back in those days.

[401] Because back then when they did shit, they could totally get away with everything.

[402] They just were complete freaks.

[403] Remember that movie about the guy from Hogan's Heroes?

[404] What the fuck's his name?

[405] The main dude who wound up killing himself.

[406] You don't know the movie I'm talking about?

[407] Nope.

[408] It's a great movie.

[409] Here, let me look it up real quick because it's really important.

[410] It was the guy from Talk Soup.

[411] John Henson?

[412] No, no. John Henson.

[413] The gray patch.

[414] Jay Leno sideways.

[415] No, the dude from Love Letter Movies.

[416] Love Letter Movies.

[417] What is his name?

[418] Kissy Face Movies.

[419] Fuck, I can't.

[420] Autofocus, that's the movie.

[421] Greg Kinnear.

[422] Greg Kinnear, you got it.

[423] Yeah, bam.

[424] It's a great fucking movie.

[425] They only got a 6 .6 on the IMDb.

[426] How dare you?

[427] Dude, look at Nick Swartz's new movie.

[428] I felt like it's an excellent movie.

[429] I know, I didn't want to bring that up.

[430] That's so crazy.

[431] But this movie, Autofocus, if you haven't seen it, you must.

[432] You must see it.

[433] It's about this guy, whatever the fuck his name was, Bob Crane.

[434] He was a sex fiend, like a complete off -the -chart sex fiend.

[435] And he started out on the show A Married Guy, and somehow or another, he got so many girls from being on Hogan's Heroes that he just...

[436] completely became out of control.

[437] Didn't take care of his career, didn't take care of his family, just was just banging chicks and filming it all.

[438] And they're stacked, and he eventually wound up getting murdered, and it was a very sordid thing, because they believed that the guy who played the Willem Dafoe character was the one who killed him, and they even...

[439] I think they had that in the movie as well.

[440] But either way, it's a great fucking movie.

[441] Why'd he kill him?

[442] They fucking hated each other.

[443] They're boning together and shit.

[444] They probably got jealous that Bob Crane was getting all the punana.

[445] He used to sit in front of a television at a bar when he knew that the show would be on so that they could see him.

[446] The show was long since canceled.

[447] It would be on in reruns, and he would be doing local theater at these towns, and he would just bang all the local broads.

[448] And film them all.

[449] They were freaks back then.

[450] They didn't have any Twitter.

[451] They didn't have any TMZ.

[452] You could just go off.

[453] You didn't have to worry about it.

[454] If something was on a VHS tape, I mean, who's going to see?

[455] It wasn't even VHS.

[456] It was like 18 millimeter, 8 millimeter, 16 millimeter, whatever the hell it is.

[457] You know, those little reels.

[458] You had to play it on a projection thing.

[459] And he was like one of the first dudes to be on top of that shit, that technology of filming things.

[460] Hey, did you see those naked pictures of that girl that were released, that actress chick?

[461] No. What actress chick?

[462] She has to be in a new movie soon because there's no way that that just happens to be released.

[463] That's the big talk on the internet.

[464] Let me see.

[465] What's her name?

[466] I don't know who that is, man. What's her face?

[467] I have no idea.

[468] No, she's like super famous.

[469] That girl's super famous?

[470] Yeah, she's me. Yo, I picked up the cover of one of those Us Weekly things, whatever it is.

[471] One of those, Inside something or another.

[472] And I didn't know who any of the people on it were.

[473] I literally knew who none of the celebrities were.

[474] I don't know any celebrities anymore.

[475] Scarlett Johansson.

[476] And I was like, I think I've won.

[477] I think I won.

[478] Yeah, it's good to not know celebrity names.

[479] Like, in this one battle with gossip, I got free.

[480] Because I had no attachment to any of them.

[481] And it occurred to me, when I looked at the magazine, and I didn't have any attachment, I'd be like, God damn it, if there was a fucking, some Jennifer Aniston broken heart, because Gerard Butler, you know, fucking did her wrong, I'd be like, oh.

[482] wow, what'd that guy do?

[483] I'd have to go and read it.

[484] I would have to go read it.

[485] I'm invested in that storyline.

[486] But there's like, there was some guy on from The Bachelorette and some girl on from fucking Orange County Wimes or something like that.

[487] I didn't know who anybody was.

[488] I was like, this is great.

[489] And they had a couple like little teeny boppers, you know, and you know, Joey breaks up with Demi, wants her back.

[490] I'm like, I don't know who the fuck they are either.

[491] And it occurred to me while I didn't have any idea who any of these people were, how freeing that was.

[492] Right.

[493] Because it is like a little goddamn drug.

[494] If there's some fucking crazy story about someone who you know their storyline, like Tiger Woods.

[495] You know, Tiger Woods.

[496] You know, man resurfaces.

[497] You know, Tiger Woods apparently was bisexual.

[498] And that was on the cover of Us Weekly.

[499] That would be like a goddamn tractor beam.

[500] You wouldn't be able to avoid it.

[501] If I sent you a link and it was photos of Tiger Woods kissing a man, you are so goddamn connected to that storyline.

[502] It would be impossible to get you to not click that link.

[503] Well, if you had the photograph, you'd be a millionaire.

[504] If you had that photograph and you put that online, I guarantee you it would be like a hundred...

[505] percent click through like if you send people it and they know they have this link and they click this link and they see tiger woods kicking the dude Click.

[506] It'd be like 100%.

[507] No one's going to go, who cares?

[508] No one's going to say that.

[509] People are invested in that storyline because it's such a charged one.

[510] Such a big scandal.

[511] Very unattractive guy.

[512] Beautiful wife.

[513] Super, super fucking successful.

[514] Ridiculously rich.

[515] The greatest golfer perhaps ever.

[516] And just fucks everyone.

[517] Just fucks everyone.

[518] So it's so highly charged that if something else happened to it, It's like, well, I'm already invested in this Tiger Woods story.

[519] I can't believe he's kissing guys.

[520] I would be drawn to it.

[521] But all these people, one of them was, I don't know any of them.

[522] I don't know any of these people.

[523] One was on America's Got Talent or something.

[524] I don't know who the fuck any of them were.

[525] I was like, this is awesome.

[526] I could walk away.

[527] I don't have to read it.

[528] I don't have to open it up.

[529] Well, it's gravity, man. It's like that shit's got gravity.

[530] It's got attention gravity.

[531] Like some stuff in the world does the same thing.

[532] to your attention that the planet does to, like, satellites.

[533] It'll grab your attention, and suddenly you're circling this weird, like, temporary vortex in the subjective reality, the planet, with your attention.

[534] And it's so stupid.

[535] I mean, there's so many things that have that example.

[536] Football, fucking any sports is the exact same attention gravity.

[537] Video games, attention gravity.

[538] Girls, attention gravity.

[539] It's all, like, different, like, gravitational fields that will depend.

[540] on what person you're like, you're going to get your attention sucked into this certain thing.

[541] And once it gets sucked in deep enough, you're not thinking about anything else.

[542] You know that thing when everything shuts down except for whatever the silly thing is.

[543] Like when you're locked into a video game.

[544] Yes, that's it.

[545] You will negate yourself if you get sucked deep enough into a video game.

[546] Complete introversion.

[547] Do you think that it's like a hijacking of our natural reward system by this new creation?

[548] Absolutely.

[549] It is what it is, right?

[550] Totally.

[551] I've always said that we're sort of set up to imitate successful behavior.

[552] But I don't think we can differentiate 100%.

[553] You know how we can't differentiate between a placebo and an actual drug in certain situations?

[554] Even if the person knows that something is a placebo, they show marked effects.

[555] If they're concentrating on this actually having some sort of an effect, it shows some sort of effects.

[556] Oh, yeah, totally.

[557] I read that placebo.

[558] I know it's I don't understand that, but I get it.

[559] The placebo effect's amazing.

[560] That's why people have different rituals they do.

[561] What was my point?

[562] I had a point.

[563] How do you get the same effect, though, from you?

[564] Hold on.

[565] What were we just talking about?

[566] We're talking about attention vampires.

[567] We're talking about the forces of nature that grab your attention.

[568] And you were saying, is that based on a reward system?

[569] Is that hijacking the reward system that nature...

[570] Right.

[571] Okay.

[572] That's what I meant.

[573] What I meant by that is that we've created something with big events.

[574] Anything that you see in your life that's memorable.

[575] They're very shocking and engaging because you need to learn from this situation.

[576] If you come over a hill and you stumble upon a bunch of barbarians slaughtering a village with axes, this is supposed to shock the fucking shit out of you.

[577] You're supposed to be aware that this is all possible.

[578] This is like, oh my God, you could be dying right now.

[579] You need to learn from this.

[580] But when we recreate that in some sort of a crazy, imaginary, flat, one -dimensional or two -dimensional image with sound that comes from all around you.

[581] I don't know if your brain 100 % can differentiate that from reality any more than a placebo has an effect on a person.

[582] I wonder.

[583] You know what it is, dude?

[584] Sorry to cut you off.

[585] It's okay.

[586] When you take your cat and you have one of those, like, I don't know, any cat toy.

[587] Watch what it does to your cat's attention.

[588] If your cat gets into it enough, it stops being a toy, and now the cat obviously thinks it's attacking a bird.

[589] It's into it.

[590] It's in nature again, and it's stalking its prey, and its attention is totally sucked into that cat toy.

[591] That's what video games are for the human nervous system.

[592] They're like human cat toys.

[593] You're playing this fucking cat toy.

[594] Your attention's sucked into it.

[595] You know people when they portray aliens coming down?

[596] They're going to use laser guns to subdue us.

[597] Fuck that.

[598] Some super advanced being would just analyze our nervous system and just hypnotize us.

[599] That's what it would do.

[600] Well, we're assuming that life is going to be hard.

[601] We're assuming that life isn't going to be like a fucking Wi -Fi frequency.

[602] Just because we are physical and we are hard and we touch things and move them and manipulate matter doesn't mean all life has to do that.

[603] We know that bacteria doesn't do that.

[604] We can't even fucking see it.

[605] We need some crazy lens that magnifies our normal reality down to the point where it's supposed to be completely invisible to us.

[606] We're not supposed to be able to see it.

[607] Yeah, we can find it.

[608] And we can find that there's some life there.

[609] There's something there.

[610] Intelligent life might be ideas.

[611] Intelligent life might be creativity.

[612] What creativity might be is when you just relax the fuck enough to listen to this intelligent life that's all around you, that's trying to get you to move your monkey body in a certain way where you're going to manipulate matter to the point where you...

[613] punch a fucking hole through space and time, and the idea of tangible objects no longer exists.

[614] Right.

[615] Like, that's the destiny.

[616] That's your reason for your curiosity.

[617] That's the reason why you've created music and motivation and cocaine.

[618] You're supposed to be pushing towards this inevitable goal of creating some sort of a fucking opening where this thing changes into the next thing.

[619] You know what that made me just think of?

[620] Like, imagine, you know, like when those miners got stuck in the mine?

[621] Imagine if like when they got stuck in the mine, some kind of fume came out that gave them complete amnesia.

[622] And so they completely lost their identities and couldn't even speak any language anymore.

[623] And so they thought that that's where they were born as this stupid mine.

[624] And imagine the people outside the mine would first have to teach them English, teach them a language, teach them who they were, give them all this information first before they could get trapped out of, you know, escape.

[625] from the mind so in the same way maybe this whole dimension is some kind of cave -in and on the other side of it there's like super advanced beings that are trying to teach us like hey wake up you know try this try this try this you have to get smarter before that because like if you can't tell someone in the 1800s about electricity you sure as fuck can't tell them about the multiverse this is gonna sound totally crazy all right but what if people are to ideas what reconditioned laptops are to people.

[626] And that when you get a reconditioned laptop, you got a laptop that's all this hard drive, all this space and operating system, and then you swipe all the data at and just give it to someone to add their own stuff to.

[627] Completely clean.

[628] But has this past.

[629] And that is what a human is.

[630] You come into this life, you press a reset button.

[631] What is that?

[632] It's kind of like Carlos Mencia.

[633] I don't get it.

[634] I was talking about that tweet out of nowhere.

[635] What tweet?

[636] Chris Hardwick's tweet.

[637] Oh, God damn, dude.

[638] You lost me totally.

[639] Yeah, Chris Hardwick and Brian and I had a conversation about Stitcher.

[640] I think other people see podcasting differently than we do, though.

[641] There's a lot of people that are trying to monetize their podcast.

[642] When you're in the top five or top ten, he was breaking down 3 ,000 listeners an episode on Stitcher.

[643] 3 ,000 is how many people listen on Stitcher.

[644] He's in the top four of Comedy iTunes rankings.

[645] I know the numbers just because we do this show.

[646] I'm not going to say the numbers, but I'm just going to say...

[647] 3 ,000 is not going to affect anything.

[648] In the top five?

[649] Well, it really depends on what you're doing.

[650] Some people are actually selling their iTunes podcasts, and they're building up towards the point where they're going to sell them.

[651] And then some people, they...

[652] Well, that's different.

[653] He's not, though.

[654] Okay, but some people have advertising that's based on their iTunes ranking.

[655] It could be based on how many hits you get on iTunes.

[656] And in that sense, he's absolutely right.

[657] Because in that sense, if he doesn't want to shit on Stitcher, and I believe they pulled it off, he's absolutely right because he gets...

[658] paid by iTunes.

[659] What he should be able to do is go to the company that's sponsoring him and say, well, here's another application called Stitcher.

[660] It's very easy to track.

[661] Why can't we work that into it?

[662] Let's say I get X amount per thousand downloads on iTunes and then a percentage of the downloads on Stitcher.

[663] It seems to me that if it's trackable, you should still be able to run the ads on it.

[664] As far as I know, they don't do any editing of your show.

[665] They don't do any editing.

[666] The only thing it is, it's a banner.

[667] on the app, which is about 1 12th of the app.

[668] And it's like from Chris Hardwick's numbers that he did in a blog post.

[669] I can't remember the exact number.

[670] I want to say it was 800.

[671] Every 800 views of that teeny banner on that app, he gets a dollar, which sucks.

[672] But knowing what Google AdSense pays for like views of an ad.

[673] It's not far off.

[674] Well, you know, listen, man, he's got his own thing.

[675] He likes doing it a certain way, and he should be able to.

[676] It's his product.

[677] I'm agreeing with Chris Hardwick 100%.

[678] But for us, we have a totally different take on Stitcher because the podcast is, first of all, we started off with, it wasn't supposed to be a job.

[679] It was a goof.

[680] It was just me and Brian having fun.

[681] I wanted to do it to just do something.

[682] I thought it would be fun to just do it and do it on a regular basis.

[683] And people like things that are free.

[684] It's good.

[685] It's good to give people free shit.

[686] I think it's in the spirit of things.

[687] It shows that the entertainment that you're trying to provide, you're really trying to provide it for the sake of it.

[688] If you don't have any ulterior motives, you're just doing it for the sake of it.

[689] You're trying to make it good.

[690] You're trying to make it fun.

[691] People respond to that, and they like it.

[692] And they'll support you in other ways.

[693] They'll come see your comedy show.

[694] You know what, man?

[695] Whatever.

[696] I disagree with that.

[697] I think it's awesome to give free content.

[698] But I also think it's fine to charge for it.

[699] No, no, no. You misinterpret me. I do not think there's anything wrong with charging it.

[700] I just don't need to.

[701] So since I don't need to, I make it free.

[702] It's that simple.

[703] If I needed to, like in your case, I know that you charge occasionally for podcasts.

[704] Well, we do an extra episode a week and charge a buck.

[705] Right.

[706] And this has been like a source of controversy.

[707] dummy on my message board, wrote some whole thing about how he's upset at you because you charge for a podcast and he'll never fucking pay.

[708] Listen, no one is telling you you have to pay.

[709] And in fact, Duncan is actually giving you something for free still.

[710] He does an extra one a week.

[711] And in the extra one, he wants to see if he can make some money.

[712] Well, you know what's particularly...

[713] People are gross, man. People are gross.

[714] But I think it's...

[715] I know that's what I thought originally, but then when I started thinking about it more, I realized that...

[716] It uncovers this certain layer of conditioning that exists in people because when you go to the ATM and the ATM asks you for two bucks or whatever to get cash out because you're not at your bank, you're just like, ah, fuck it.

[717] I'll do it.

[718] When you're at the gas station and it's like 35 cents convenience fee, I don't even know what that fucking means, but I'll pay it.

[719] But the moment artists start saying, hey, I'd like to make money for the stuff I'm making, people are like, what the fuck?

[720] You're going to charge for that shit?

[721] Once they're getting it for free, you mean.

[722] Once they're getting it for free.

[723] If you start charging from the beginning, people have no problem with continuing to pay for things.

[724] It's once they start getting it for free.

[725] Well, that's why we added an extra episode.

[726] And the experiment totally worked.

[727] And it made me think, you know, this is a model.

[728] Maybe this is a new model that other people can use.

[729] It's like instead of pulling the rug out from people's feet and saying, you're paying now.

[730] I'm charging for everything.

[731] You always offer some.

[732] free thing for people to enjoy and then you add one extra thing to it so people are really into it and don't mind paying most people send us emails saying they like supporting the show they like it look most people do the reason why people get upset is the reason why people there's people that find something anywhere to get angry at and it's because they're looking for it they're looking for something to piss them off and if you're angry at some guy whose podcast you like because he would like a dollar for an hour and a half's worth of him talking.

[733] I understand if you don't have a buck.

[734] Look, I've been there before, man. I've been to points in my life where I rolled pennies so I'd have something to eat for dinner.

[735] I understand poverty.

[736] I've been there for a long time.

[737] I totally get that.

[738] You don't have to buy it, but you don't have to be fucking mad that he's selling it.

[739] Especially when someone's giving you something for free.

[740] And also, by the way, how about you email me and ask for the fucking MP3?

[741] There's like a 99 % chance I probably would have just sent it to you.

[742] fucked up and said on the internet.

[743] That was the one time I would have done it.

[744] Respond to emails.

[745] I'll never do it again.

[746] Listen, you're going to be trolled, son.

[747] Okay, well, whatever.

[748] You're going to be trolled by a hot chick right now.

[749] That'll be terrible.

[750] But it's really a dude.

[751] That will be terrible.

[752] Yeah, that's what's the next step.

[753] I shouldn't have said that.

[754] Whatever.

[755] You're fucked up.

[756] You opened up the gates.

[757] You challenged the fucking system.

[758] Fine.

[759] You challenged the hackers of the world right there.

[760] To what?

[761] To a duel.

[762] I do not, John.

[763] To a mentor duel.

[764] I do not, John.

[765] You said you would respond to email.

[766] You saying you respond to emails is like opening up the gates to hell.

[767] Sure, then someone's going to go, okay, how do I get this motherfucker to look stupid?

[768] Oh, no. You're making fun of Netscape, bro?

[769] Now I'm paranoid.

[770] Now I got to exist in like a Philip K. Dick universe with like being terrified of people who email me. I do.

[771] You know what?

[772] By the way, people already know I respond to shit because I talk to people on Facebook and you do on occasion get some emails from people that it really seems like these are cops.

[773] You know what I mean?

[774] Oh, sure.

[775] I got an email from somebody who's like.

[776] Hi, me and my buds were thinking of taking some magic mushrooms and were wondering if you could tell us where to get them or could send us some in the mail.

[777] But it was like the slang they were using was like...

[778] Completely off.

[779] My buds.

[780] Buds.

[781] Hey, yeah, it was like weird off.

[782] Worst fuck hippie ever.

[783] Even if it was serious, I'm going to be like, oh, sure, let me just mail you an illegal substance.

[784] That is really hilarious.

[785] Yeah, it's very spooky.

[786] I had a guy who wanted to get DMT from me in Cleveland.

[787] I knew he was a cop.

[788] Because first of all, who the fuck is asking me for DMT?

[789] And I'm in Cleveland, and this guy has a crew cut.

[790] He's looking at me, and I'm like, this guy isn't drunk.

[791] He's not high.

[792] And I'm assessing the dude.

[793] I'm looking at this guy.

[794] I'm like, this guy seems like he's had some self -defense training.

[795] It seems like he's a confident man. It seems like he's acting like he's got some weird feeling of authority about him.

[796] I was like, he's almost like he expects authority.

[797] He expects you to.

[798] This guy was such an obvious cunt.

[799] It was ridiculous.

[800] Because a bad cop, or at least a dumb cop, they get a feeling of entitlement around people.

[801] A dumb one.

[802] I've seen it a bunch of times.

[803] And I'm a big supporter of cops.

[804] And I always say that 99 % of cops are just trying to do a good job.

[805] It's the 1 % of cunts that fuck it up for everybody else.

[806] They run a pretty fucking tight ship in most police forces.

[807] But this guy just eked a cop.

[808] I was like, what are you talking about, man?

[809] And he goes, come on, man, DMT.

[810] He's looking at me, and I'm looking at him.

[811] We're making eye contact.

[812] I'm like, motherfucker, the last thing you want is DMT.

[813] You're not looking for DMT, you fucking weirdo.

[814] Yeah.

[815] Like you carried her out.

[816] We had the weirdest stare -off, man. It was so strange.

[817] It was so strange because he was totally full of shit.

[818] There was no way this guy was looking to trip.

[819] He wasn't looking to trip.

[820] He was looking to fucking arrest me. You know that?

[821] marijuana thing that John Heffron gave you?

[822] Ever since that show, every day this guy writes me and he adds an extra $100.

[823] He goes, $100 donation if you send me one of those marijuana sticks.

[824] $200 donation.

[825] He's done it every day.

[826] I think I'm up to $500.

[827] You should tell him to suck your cock on video.

[828] You should tell him to do an internet search.

[829] Well, I traced it.

[830] Tell them about Google.

[831] Yeah.

[832] Well, you can't get that shit on Google.

[833] You can't get a vaporized...

[834] Oh, really?

[835] Yeah.

[836] Yeah, those...

[837] These are California only.

[838] I'm really bored now.

[839] Oh, I see.

[840] I didn't know that.

[841] Or maybe...

[842] Probably Colorado's rocking it too.

[843] Did you hear they're thinking about closing the post office?

[844] Yeah, man. I'm tired of getting mail.

[845] Yeah, me too.

[846] It's a good move.

[847] Me too.

[848] I never get mail.

[849] How about we make it so that just like our ancestors, we get to the point where nothing we have is traceable once the big bang happens and a fucking rock hits the planet and all our fucking...

[850] Yeah.

[851] All our hardware corrodes.

[852] We have nothing solid.

[853] Solid written anywhere.

[854] How about no post office and only quarters?

[855] What do you mean only quarters?

[856] Dollar bills and stuff like that.

[857] Paper money, but only quarters.

[858] No pennies, nickels, and dollars?

[859] Everything rounds to a quarter.

[860] When's that going to happen?

[861] No, I mean, wouldn't that make sense?

[862] Wouldn't that be a good idea?

[863] Oh, Jesus, dude.

[864] Everything in quarters?

[865] That seems annoying.

[866] That seems like it would be a nice excuse for them to raise taxes so that everything rounds off to a quarter.

[867] No matter what, it rounds off to the next quarter.

[868] It always raises high and all that goes to the government.

[869] That's not a good move.

[870] What are you doing?

[871] You want to give those fuckheads more money?

[872] Have you been watching these Republican debates?

[873] Yeah.

[874] Did you see the one where they were talking about the guy dying because he didn't have any money?

[875] He didn't have any insurance?

[876] Yeah.

[877] Should he die and the audience was cheering?

[878] Yeah!

[879] Let him die!

[880] Tell me about that.

[881] What is that?

[882] Well, I'll tell you what it is.

[883] The Tea Party is hilarious.

[884] Because the moment you climb out of the pussy...

[885] It's open game.

[886] But when you're in there, no one can touch you.

[887] They're all anti -abortion, but the moment you're born, they're like, let him die.

[888] You could have a baby that pops out and doesn't have insurance inside the fetus if the woman wanted to get inside the womb if the woman wanted an abortion.

[889] The Tea Party would be like, no, it's evil.

[890] The moment that baby comes out, if it doesn't have insurance, Tea Party's like, let it die.

[891] Let it die.

[892] Mama didn't have insurance.

[893] Let it die.

[894] I don't think they feel that way about babies.

[895] I think they feel that way about grown -ups.

[896] Grown -ups only.

[897] Once you're a grown -up, you're on your own.

[898] Grown -ups are just mutated babies.

[899] Well, they're babies that grew up.

[900] But I don't think they're anti -baby.

[901] I think they're just, when you get to a certain point, you're supposed to take personal responsibility.

[902] I think the way they're going about it is pretty silly.

[903] The idea should be that you should have a sense of community that is earned, where everyone contributes, so everyone wants to help everyone.

[904] Our real problem is that there's too many fucking people, and that you cannot have communities of 20 million people, because you're going to get a diffusion of responsibility.

[905] You're going to get a situation where there's too many people.

[906] many fucking people and they're not going to care about one life here or one life there or one person here or one person there they don't have to but if you lived in a village of 50 people everyone would have to care about everyone and that's how we're supposed to live we're supposed to live like in the movie little red riding hood where the there's a girl with the bug eyes it's really hot what's that chick she's blonde Fuck her.

[907] Who cares?

[908] I don't care.

[909] She's very hot.

[910] She's in a lot of movies.

[911] And she was in Little Red Riding Hood.

[912] And they played this little village where there was a werewolf that came and was fucking everybody up.

[913] I have to see all werewolf movies across, even Little Red Riding Hood.

[914] But she lives in this little village.

[915] And as I was watching all these people sort of prepare their town and stockpile everything and prepare for this werewolf, I was like, this is how people really are supposed to live.

[916] They're supposed to live in small communities.

[917] communities that are worried about outsiders.

[918] That's how they're supposed to live.

[919] It's supposed to be everybody that you know in this little area is your friend.

[920] You're all cool.

[921] You're cool together.

[922] You work together.

[923] You eat together.

[924] You hunt together.

[925] You cook together.

[926] Everyone is in this little group.

[927] The people that you don't know that come over the hill, those are the ones you have to worry about.

[928] I don't think people are supposed to live in any particular way.

[929] I think that there's...

[930] That's what adaptation is all about.

[931] I think that now the real problem isn't that people are sucking the system dry.

[932] The real problem is really quite clear.

[933] It just seems like it's right in front of everyone.

[934] It's that 2 % of the people on the planet have all the wealth.

[935] That's the problem.

[936] That is part of the problem.

[937] But the other part of the problem is that the biological evolution, the evolution of the animal, the human animal itself, to adapt to this system of this community being intensely, incredibly larger than it used to be.

[938] That our DNA and the way we think and behave is based on communities.

[939] And when all of a sudden the community is some abstract number that you can't even wrap your head around.

[940] A community of 300 million people.

[941] Really?

[942] Yeah.

[943] Well, that's the only reason why we can accept states.

[944] If we just had one giant state, it would be so completely ridiculous.

[945] It would seem so strange.

[946] You mean like the New World Order or like a global?

[947] No, I mean the idea of a giant community of a bunch of people you don't even fucking know of in a number that's so large you can't wrap your head around.

[948] We don't know what 300 million means.

[949] 300 million is just some numbers on a piece of paper.

[950] No one's brain registers what 300 million people is, but that's the community that we're involved in.

[951] Somehow or another, the world has grown to the point where 300 million people plus the whole rest of the world is constantly communicating at the exact same time, which is something the biological body of today is absolutely not ready for.

[952] So all of our checks and balances and natural reward systems are completely fucking hijacked.

[953] Just like they're hijacked with movies that fucking trick us.

[954] Just like they're hijacked with placebos.

[955] The whole system is hijacked.

[956] And we just have not caught up to how much life has changed.

[957] It's not catching up.

[958] And a big reason it is not catching up.

[959] It is, but slowly.

[960] It takes longer than the thing it's Well, that's because the people who are in control of the system are the 2 % who have all the money.

[961] That's the fucking problem.

[962] But isn't that why the system has gotten this big this fast in the first place?

[963] It's almost like you need greed and intense ambition and all these things that in some form ultimately lead to monarchies, ultimately lead to bad things.

[964] It's like they get so intense that a person is so competitive about money that they get to the point where they have wins.

[965] more money than they can use, and they're fucking over the rest of the world, but they can't even help themselves.

[966] It's like an ethic that started from...

[967] There's always an explanation for tyranny.

[968] There's always an explanation like that.

[969] You can almost always tell there's an...

[970] The current explanation is, these people...

[971] Not what you're saying, because what you're saying is smart, but the base version is, these 2 % of the wealthy have earned their money, and they deserve to keep it.

[972] And every Everyone else, they're lazy fucks.

[973] That's the idea.

[974] They're just not lucky.

[975] They just didn't put their shoulders to the grindstone.

[976] They didn't push hard enough.

[977] And so that's the idea.

[978] Now, I think the real truth of the matter is that many of these people have inherited their money.

[979] Many of these people, they didn't necessarily earn their money.

[980] And even if they did earn the fucking money, the fact that there are people in the world with big, fat, bloated fucking bellies because they're starving to death in Somali and we can't get the resources there because some fundamentalist fucking Islamic organization won't let the shit through so that fucking babies can eat.

[981] The fact that we're totally cool with that while simultaneously every bomb we drop costs $100 ,000 on top of Libya.

[982] The fact that we're totally cool with that is an indication to me not of a nervous system not catching up, but a state of people not being educated appropriately in ethics.

[983] It seems like a simple thing.

[984] School teachers need to start getting paid their doctor's wage.

[985] School teachers need to start getting paid the same amount the celebrities get paid so that it becomes a competitive industry.

[986] And only the super smart are the ones who start giving our children the basic information.

[987] You're absolutely right.

[988] And on that platform, you should...

[989] run for president but my my point is not uh attached to the human animal as one of its own my point is looking at it objectively when i look at it objectively when i look at the the way human beings are so intensely focused on wealth and so intensely focused on privilege and of on on conquering and taking over things I really think that it's like a queen bee or like any sort of a natural, you know, large leader of an ant colony or whatever the fuck it is.

[990] There's some crazy thing that people need in order to accomplish what we are abstractly aware of trying to accomplish.

[991] And it goes back to this technology thing.

[992] When you have ambition, any kind of ambition, you're going to have competition.

[993] When you have competition, you're always going to have people that take it to the next level.

[994] And some people take it to the next level like Michael Jordan does on the basketball court.

[995] Or you've got guys like William Randolph Hearst who takes it to that next level when he was running newspapers.

[996] He's just a fucking dominator.

[997] Fuck you.

[998] I don't give a shit.

[999] How about I make up stories and put them on my newspaper, you fuckhead.

[1000] And then I'm going to kill you and I'm going to make up a story and put it on my paper that says, You were into kiddie porn, you fuckhead.

[1001] I mean, William Randolph Hearst got to some insane point of power.

[1002] But I almost wonder if instead of looking at these individual circumstances or individual people that create horrible things and greed and obscenely wealthy people while other people are starving, instead of looking at that, I always look at the mechanism itself.

[1003] Look at the movement itself.

[1004] Which way is the wave going and why?

[1005] Why is it going in the most supposed Supposedly progressive of all the countries being America, the most hyper aggressive about controlling natural resources and about innovation and about weapons, about weapons and about science.

[1006] And today, NASA announced that we're going to try to go to Mars.

[1007] They're going to have manned missions to Mars, a giant fucking thing like the Saturn V rocket on steroids.

[1008] They're going to send astronauts to Mars.

[1009] And, you know, this keeps America.

[1010] This is one of the big points of their point that keeps America in the leader in the space race people are worried that we're losing the space race because we can no longer put people in the the space station we have to rely on the soviets and the soviets just crashed one of their shuttles the other day so now we're like um you guys uh did you change the oil what are you doing we don't even know what they did we're hopping on their plane you know it's ridiculous that we still have space races that's like the laugh olympics you know it's just like the dumbest thing that we're in these olympics with other countries that we gotta go farther faster first yeah But no, because it pushes innovation and it pushes people to really, I mean, whether or not you believe people will land on the moon.

[1011] I know it sounds retarded.

[1012] I still have questions.

[1013] People go, but I got answers.

[1014] You know, there's like recent photographs of the moon landing and everybody sends them to me. And they're like, what do you think, man?

[1015] What do you think?

[1016] And I think if I was guilty of something, okay, and I sent you a picture that showed that I wasn't guilty of something and it was really fucking blurry and it looked like it was taken from a million miles away in black and white, would you believe me?

[1017] No. Oh, I'm sure that this is a satellite photo.

[1018] It's very likely that it is.

[1019] I leave open the possibility that it's not.

[1020] And people say, that's crazy.

[1021] And it probably is.

[1022] Is that possibility 1 % or how big of that possibility?

[1023] I have no idea.

[1024] Then I would know.

[1025] I would say 1%.

[1026] This is what I would say.

[1027] I would say if it's 99%.

[1028] If there's 1%, what was that 1 % there for?

[1029] What the fuck's it there for?

[1030] 99 % means I really believe it.

[1031] I just leave it open.

[1032] I don't have a percentage labeled on it.

[1033] I think the people in the 60s and the 70s were full of shit.

[1034] I think the government was intensely full of shit.

[1035] I think the Nixon administration was deceptive as a practice, generally across the board, completely full of shit and without accountability until they got busted in Watergate and the shit that went on in the Vietnam War, how they got into the Vietnam War from the Gulf of Tonkin incident, which is a big, fat fucking lie.

[1036] Yeah, but do you think the government would have learned by now, like, hey, We're getting a smarter age.

[1037] We're not going to lie.

[1038] I don't know.

[1039] I don't know.

[1040] When did you think that?

[1041] No, because they still do shit that's fucked up.

[1042] Look at the Pamela Smart.

[1043] Not Pamela Smart case.

[1044] The girl who got rescued in Iraq.

[1045] What the fuck is her name?

[1046] I'm not pulling anybody's names out today.

[1047] My point was this girl, Jessica Lynch.

[1048] She was in the hospital.

[1049] They said there was a gunfight.

[1050] She was kidnapped.

[1051] They had a rescuer.

[1052] They brought her back.

[1053] She was an American hero.

[1054] Well, it turns out she was not in a gunfight at all.

[1055] She was in a fucking hospital.

[1056] There was no guns fired.

[1057] They went in and Goddard, and they made up a goddamn story.

[1058] The Pat Tillman story.

[1059] Pat Tillman died because of fucking friendly fire.

[1060] Someone made a mistake, and he died.

[1061] But when they put that story out, they did not say that.

[1062] When they put that story out, they said he died in defense of our country.

[1063] Meanwhile, Pat Tillman, when he was over there, was a huge...

[1064] He went from being a huge supporter of the war to going over there and openly criticizing and saying it was a gigantic clusterfuck of epic proportions, and his brother still maintains that to this day.

[1065] So they...

[1066] They lie about shit.

[1067] They make shit up.

[1068] I don't know whether or not they've made up landing on the moon.

[1069] I don't know whether or not they killed Kennedy.

[1070] I don't know.

[1071] I leave those open.

[1072] I leave those open because I think it's very possible.

[1073] There's nothing, there's etched in stone shit to me. Here's something etched in stone.

[1074] Etched in stone, there was a man named Kennedy who was shot and killed.

[1075] That's right.

[1076] That's etched in stone.

[1077] I don't know what the fuck happened to him.

[1078] I don't know.

[1079] It's fascinating to me, the whole idea of this bullet magically showing up on Governor Connolly's gurney.

[1080] They bring him and, oh, I think we found the bullet.

[1081] This bullet didn't look like it got shot through anything.

[1082] It's ridiculous.

[1083] There's more fragments of metal supposedly in their bodies that are missing from this bullet.

[1084] You know, attribute that to what you will, but the idea that you could shoot a bullet through fucking bone, and no one's ever been able to recreate that.

[1085] They tried that on one of those fucking shows, and the only way they were able to make it look anything even...

[1086] close to that bullet.

[1087] They had to shoot it through like gelatin.

[1088] They had to shoot it through like fake skin that's supposed to replicate gelatin.

[1089] But as soon as you hit a bone, that's a wrapsaw and that bullet was warped and fucked up.

[1090] That's what happens to bullets, man. It's supposed to be like that.

[1091] They fragment inside your body and they create more damage.

[1092] They shatter things.

[1093] They're lead with a shield on them of another metal like brass or something like that.

[1094] And when they, depending on what you have, and they hit things, they fuck up.

[1095] They bend up.

[1096] That Kennedy bullet didn't go through shit.

[1097] They shot that thing into a fucking fish tank.

[1098] That thing looked like it never hit anything, like it hit a million pillows.

[1099] Didn't look like it fucking hit anything hard, like a bone and shattered someone's wrist.

[1100] I don't buy that for a goddamn second.

[1101] And if you do buy that, you're looking for that to be the answer.

[1102] You know, and the only reason why they ever even said that, you know, people dispute the positioning of the magic bullet.

[1103] The positioning, look, you know, Anthony Bourdain had a really good point when he talked about people that get shot.

[1104] When he was on our podcast talking about some people get shot and the bullet ricochets inside their head and exits out the back and doesn't even do any damage.

[1105] It was totally true.

[1106] Crazy things can happen when you're shooting bullets through people.

[1107] People have been shot through the head and nothing happens to them.

[1108] Literally.

[1109] Shot through the fucking head.

[1110] They have a hole straight through their head and they live.

[1111] And they don't have any functioning, you know.

[1112] They walk around.

[1113] They're fine.

[1114] They can rehab.

[1115] It's amazing.

[1116] Some people know.

[1117] But every time you shoot a bullet into something, that bullet gets fucked up.

[1118] Every time.

[1119] Every time.

[1120] And that bullet, if you look at that bullet, it's so clear that bullet didn't hit anything.

[1121] There's no fucking way it went through two different people.

[1122] There's no way.

[1123] And the only reason why they even had to say it went through two people is because we had to attribute three bullets to one person because they found a guy who was under the underpass who was hit with a ricochet.

[1124] When that guy, when they'd hit the curb, the ricochet of the granite came up, hit this guy, fucked him up.

[1125] He had to go to the hospital.

[1126] What happened?

[1127] I got hit with a ricochet.

[1128] They found the spot on the concrete.

[1129] or the granite, whatever it is, the curbstone, where it had been hit by the bullet.

[1130] So they knew he was telling the truth.

[1131] Oh, here's a bullet hole.

[1132] Okay, this is where the guy got hit.

[1133] So now they have three wounds.

[1134] Now they have all these shots, or I guess two wounds.

[1135] And they had to attribute one of them in two different people's bodies to the same bullet.

[1136] It's completely unscientific.

[1137] Instead of saying, what is the possibility that even though we caught Lee Harvey Oswald, what if there was a guy on the roof above him?

[1138] What if there was a guy?

[1139] Is that possible?

[1140] No, no, no, no, no. Impossible.

[1141] Is it possible?

[1142] No, nothing possible.

[1143] Let's talk to this guy and find out.

[1144] Oh, this fucking mob -collected guy or mob -connected guy ran up to him and shot him in broad daylight in the stomach in front of everybody and police officers?

[1145] What?

[1146] What happened?

[1147] What kind of fucking charade are you running here?

[1148] Oh, the guy who killed Kennedy is dead.

[1149] Oh, well, that's convenient.

[1150] There you go.

[1151] Well, let's go back to work in Vietnam, and Lyndon Johnson's going to take care of everybody.

[1152] He loves you.

[1153] Hey, he's a good old boy, and it's terrible to happen to that boy Kennedy, but you know what?

[1154] Sometimes those young 'uns, those fucking Massachusetts boys, they don't know how to shut the fuck up.

[1155] Yeah, yeah.

[1156] They clink whiskey glasses, and they proceed to fuck headless Thai whores.

[1157] Yeah.

[1158] You know?

[1159] Come on, man. Those guys are animals.

[1160] Those guys are all sass.

[1161] But the thing Brian said about how maybe now they're not doing that anymore.

[1162] It's nonsense.

[1163] It's nonsense, but I think that idea is a prevalent idea, and it's a hilarious idea.

[1164] Because if you look back at every age in history.

[1165] Things accelerate.

[1166] You will find that in every age, there was an idea people had about something that was okay that a later age found to be completely an asshole.

[1167] Absolutely wrong.

[1168] Most recently, segregation.

[1169] There was a time when I guess our grandparents, they would really like go to use the bathroom and they'd be like, oh, there's the white person's bathroom.

[1170] And then they would say to whoever was working for them, like if they happened to take their black maid on a shopping trip, they'd be like, oh, there's the colored restroom.

[1171] You can go use that.

[1172] And that was normal.

[1173] They didn't do that with some sense of like, I don't know if I should do this or not.

[1174] To them, that was a normal state of existence.

[1175] If you go back a little bit before that, there was slavery.

[1176] You would go over to your friend's house and your friend would have a fucking dude that he had bought that had to do everything he said because it was his slave.

[1177] And he was allowed to beat it.

[1178] Yeah.

[1179] He beat it.

[1180] He beat a human fucking being.

[1181] That was totally normal.

[1182] And then if you go back a little bit before that, you would wake up in the morning and your cow's milk would be sour.

[1183] And you would go and say to your wife, I think there's a witch nearby.

[1184] And she'd be like, well, who?

[1185] Who do you think it is?

[1186] And you meant it.

[1187] And you'd find a woman and you'd fucking...

[1188] incinerator on a goddamn pyre that was just before slavery now somehow people think that right now we've got all figured out and there's not something equally insane that we all consider to be a total normal facet of reality like all of a sudden no all of society has totally got it figured out no we don't have it figured out the truth of the matter is there is a hive mind people are leaders and there are people who have unders who understand that and primate neurology there is a way to tune in to that fucking frequency of attention and convince people that you're the president the leader the king the queen whatever the fuck it is you want to call it you can convince primates if you like spin the fucking spiral in front of them in the right way you can convince them that you're their leader and they'll just believe it oh yeah that's a leader he's our president oh he's my president now somebody saw that and then i said that news people fight me he's my president fight you you got to respect the president he's our president he's our president don't Don't talk about our president that way.

[1189] Now, this is clearly a form of conditioning and a form of hypnosis.

[1190] And I think that that's like the final thing for us to overcome.

[1191] We got over fucking slavery.

[1192] But it's a weird thing.

[1193] You're not supposed to discuss that.

[1194] No way you're not supposed to discuss it.

[1195] It's our government.

[1196] If you're an intelligent person, if you're an intelligent person and you're a respected person, you go on television and say the president should be respected no more than any other man. Get out of my studio, flag burner!

[1197] You know, man, people, people, if you want to see the conditioning when you watch somebody burn a, watch someone burn a flag in front of the wrong person.

[1198] People will freak out.

[1199] You want to see the conditioning?

[1200] Fucking burn a hundred dollar bill in front of people.

[1201] No, not the paper.

[1202] There was a story, a news story about a dude who was in front of a Mexican restaurant and he was a Vietnam vet.

[1203] And he was angry because the Mexican restaurant was flying a Mexican flag above an American flag.

[1204] And apparently this dude said that that was not legal.

[1205] So he goes there with a fucking knife, opens up this giant knife, and saws the rope on this guy's flag in front of this man's Mexican restaurant.

[1206] Pulls the flags down and...

[1207] cuts old glory free, folds it up properly, and takes it with him.

[1208] And he's like, you will not disrespect this flag.

[1209] And he's like, it clearly states somewhere, I don't know where it is, some old asshole who's dead as fuck wrote down on some piece of paper, the old glory must be on top.

[1210] This is the appropriate way to fold the flag.

[1211] America can never be, you know, never be humble.

[1212] You can't be like the third flag.

[1213] Like, oh, you know what's really cool?

[1214] Tibet, you want to be on top?

[1215] Be on top, Tibet.

[1216] Who wants to be in the middle?

[1217] Ireland, you want to be in the middle?

[1218] Okay, we'll just be on the bottom.

[1219] That's cool.

[1220] We are America.

[1221] That's what I'm talking about there, Joe.

[1222] I'm talking about this game of make -believe that we're being forced to play.

[1223] And it seems like the Tea Party represents the people who most want to hold on to this silly game of make -believe.

[1224] And it's like, you know, I love...

[1225] this country in the sense that I love the geography of the place I'm living in.

[1226] I love the cultures here and the people I've met.

[1227] And I really love a lot of the ways in our culture that free dialogue can spring up and all the amazing things.

[1228] But why are you forcing me to then take that love or a sense of belonging here and put it on a goddamn symbol?

[1229] Why are you making me put that on a fucking flag or on whatever the silly thing is that you're turning into an idol?

[1230] I don't want to do that anymore.

[1231] And as we get smarter, I think, as a species, that kind of stuff is becoming less and less palatable.

[1232] And because now when we're engaged in these ceremonies, most of us are thinking like, you know, the Pledge of Allegiance or whatever at a baseball game.

[1233] I don't even know they do that at a baseball game.

[1234] I think I'm not saying everyone, but I think there is a percentage of people in the audience who are doing it out of just a sense of like, oh, it's kind of quaint.

[1235] I'm going to do it.

[1236] This is weird.

[1237] But you want me to put my hand on my chest?

[1238] So, okay, how does it work?

[1239] Well, this is one of the same reasons why a lot of people want to be Christians and tell you they're Christians because it automatically carries with a certain amount of respect.

[1240] You know, if you say to me, you know, so where do you stand with politics?

[1241] You know, how do you feel?

[1242] I'm a fucking patriot.

[1243] I'm a patriot, bro.

[1244] I fucking believe in this country.

[1245] I'm a patriot.

[1246] And all of a sudden, like, that guy is not to be questioned.

[1247] You know what I'm saying?

[1248] Right.

[1249] I mean, like, that guy has a, there's a certain amount of respect that you're going to get from me. Yeah.

[1250] For being a patriot.

[1251] Well, no, because I believe in the system, and this president was elected, and because this president was elected, then I just have to go with what's happening, and I trust my government.

[1252] Now, this is the silliest fucking...

[1253] place for your mind to get to when you really look back at the fact that this very same government was the same government that enforced segregation.

[1254] It was the same government that illegally went to war in Vietnam.

[1255] It was the same government that told us that there was weapons of mass destruction in Iraq when there were no weapons of mass destruction.

[1256] This very same government that you've pledged your allegiance to again and again and again and again and again and again and again throughout history has shown that it does not do the right thing.

[1257] thing it consistently does shitty things slavery segregation now war war now bombs now it will repair itself from time to time and what's really beautiful is the promise of democracy the promise of democracy or or a truly i guess a representative government a truly representative government it's fucking beautiful jesus christ that's like pure evolution a purely representative government of an educated population, a truly educated, not just educated with books and numbers and words, but educated as far as behavior, educated as far as character.

[1258] There's too many of us to get that done.

[1259] There's not enough incentive, unfortunately.

[1260] I know that right now the idea is that there's too many of us.

[1261] But I think that's what this whole, I'm a patriot, I'm a Christian.

[1262] This is a reason.

[1263] No, no, no. There's a million good things.

[1264] There's a million good things, Brian.

[1265] You're not paying attention to what I'm saying.

[1266] The idea is that being a Christian, saying you're a patriot, saying you're trying to hold some higher ideal that you would really like other people to do as well.

[1267] And if they do, do it.

[1268] You know, you're going to treat them better and everyone's going to have more energy together.

[1269] So this is like, you know, they're trying.

[1270] It's like when people say, like, I'm a Christian.

[1271] I'm a Christian, too.

[1272] Even though a lot of them don't do anything Christian.

[1273] You know, the first thing they want to do is fucking shoot the enemy.

[1274] Jesus has turned the other cheek.

[1275] The last thing you want to do is go and fucking say, I'm a Christian.

[1276] I'm here to fuck people up.

[1277] You can't say that, man. It's like they're saying it because there is this urge to do that.

[1278] It's fun to imagine Jesus flying the Enola Gay.

[1279] Like, imagine.

[1280] Fucking beard.

[1281] He's got his toe gone or whatever the thing is he's wearing.

[1282] And he's flying that fucking Enola gay to drop a nuclear weapon on a population of children and women and boyfriends and girlfriends and artists.

[1283] That Jesus is like, I must do this for my father.

[1284] Of course not.

[1285] I had to get that out.

[1286] But what did you mean, Brian?

[1287] Like, what were you saying?

[1288] No, I mean, it's just like you're saying about how bad the government is.

[1289] How many bad things they've done.

[1290] done in the past, but everyone never looks at the good shit.

[1291] No one's ever looking at all the good shit they do.

[1292] They're always focusing on the bad stuff.

[1293] I don't think that's necessarily the case.

[1294] Look at the Grand Canyon.

[1295] It's badass.

[1296] Did you ever read Watership Down?

[1297] The government didn't make the Grand Canyon, bro.

[1298] Brian, did you?

[1299] I hate to fucking bust your bubble.

[1300] Hey, will you do me a favor?

[1301] I know we're not supposed to play music, but there's a song that we have to play.

[1302] We have to play because I really like this song and it's super appropriate and we'll just talk over it.

[1303] We're not selling anything.

[1304] What's the song?

[1305] It's Aaron Lewis.

[1306] country boy.

[1307] You know the dude from Stained?

[1308] Okay.

[1309] Well, he's reinvented himself as a country music singer.

[1310] Do you want to do this?

[1311] Yes, yes, yes.

[1312] I want you to.

[1313] Because it's important.

[1314] It's really important.

[1315] It's really important.

[1316] For two reasons.

[1317] One, because I honestly like this song.

[1318] I like this song a lot.

[1319] I really do.

[1320] It's a fucking good song.

[1321] The guy's got a great voice.

[1322] I loved him in that band Stained.

[1323] I think he's a bad motherfucker.

[1324] He's got a great voice.

[1325] And apparently It's just so fascinating.

[1326] It's a super, super patriotic song.

[1327] Let's hear it.

[1328] It's so patriotic.

[1329] It's almost like a parody.

[1330] Hit it from the beginning.

[1331] Here we go.

[1332] Ready?

[1333] It's about being a country boy.

[1334] Let's hear it.

[1335] We never play songs anymore, but fuck it, man. I love this song.

[1336] How do you know?

[1337] Dude, listen how good his voice is, man. Man, I don't like sounding like a homo, but that motherfucker's got a badass voice.

[1338] He could tuck me into bed at night with that voice.

[1339] Listen to this.

[1340] Welcome to VH1.

[1341] This is a great fucking song, dude.

[1342] Woohoo!

[1343] That's what happens at the concert.

[1344] He has Don't Tread on Me tattooed on his neck.

[1345] That's intense.

[1346] That's intense.

[1347] Right across his neck.

[1348] It says, don't tread on me. And this song is talking about how he never leaves his house without his 9 or his 45.

[1349] It's like sort of gangster rap.

[1350] Let's tread another word for cum.

[1351] Outlaw country.

[1352] He sold his soul to the devil in L .A. This is talking about when he was in that other band.

[1353] Winger?

[1354] Yeah.

[1355] He's like Spinal Tap.

[1356] He's saying the devil hooked him up in L .A. with a record contract.

[1357] Did you ever see Spinal Tap?

[1358] What he's doing is he's making up for his time as a rock star.

[1359] No, remember in Spinal Tap?

[1360] No, I didn't see Spinal Tap.

[1361] There's a great thing where it shows all the pictures of the band.

[1362] And they tried every demographic.

[1363] They kept changing demographics according to what was popular.

[1364] And so he just swapped demographics.

[1365] His publicist was like, hey, listen, I think...

[1366] I think the country market...

[1367] Well, he's trying to be legit, just like a gangster rapper's trying to be legit.

[1368] Because in the video, there's a picture of him at two holding a gun.

[1369] He's two, and he's got a gun in his hand.

[1370] I am not bullshitting.

[1371] I believe it.

[1372] It says, me, age two.

[1373] He's holding a gun.

[1374] And there's another picture where he's got a large mouth bass.

[1375] See?

[1376] I used to fish.

[1377] Yeah.

[1378] So it's like all these pictures of him.

[1379] Yeah, he's fitting in.

[1380] But all that shit is so manipulative and silly.

[1381] And that whole thing, man...

[1382] But it gets way better.

[1383] I grew...

[1384] The last few seconds of it, I'll tell you, Brian, exactly where to go because it's so ridiculous.

[1385] It's just really interesting.

[1386] Did you know there's a Miss Hands?

[1387] No. And it's way worse than Mr. Hands.

[1388] Go to four minutes and 14 seconds.

[1389] Go to four minutes and 14 seconds.

[1390] We'll just end this.

[1391] Because it's fascinating.

[1392] By the way, I'm not dissing this guy at all.

[1393] And I fucking love this music.

[1394] And I love his song.

[1395] And I love that kind of music.

[1396] I like a lot of Toby Keith songs.

[1397] I don't have anything wrong with patriotic songs.

[1398] At the end of it, listen, this guy does this little speech.

[1399] And this is like this old, old dude.

[1400] I love my country.

[1401] I love my guns.

[1402] I love my family.

[1403] I love the way it is now.

[1404] And anybody that tries to change it has to come through me. That should be all of our attitudes.

[1405] Is this is America and a country boy is good enough for me, son.

[1406] Okay, play that back again because that might be a terrorist message.

[1407] Okay, that retarded fucking speech.

[1408] Back it up.

[1409] Listen to this.

[1410] Listen to this.

[1411] Is that a bagpipe?

[1412] I love my country.

[1413] I love my guns.

[1414] I love my family.

[1415] I love the way it is now.

[1416] And anybody that tries to change it has to come through me. That should be all of our attitudes.

[1417] This is America, and a country boy is good enough for me, son.

[1418] A country boy is good enough for me. We are as evolved as I need.

[1419] Let's stop right here.

[1420] That's how cancer cells talk.

[1421] Exactly.

[1422] If you can listen to a cancer cell, that's what it would sound like.

[1423] It's just so fucking stupid.

[1424] It's like, I love my guns.

[1425] What, what, what, what, what?

[1426] That's you!

[1427] I love my country.

[1428] I love my guns.

[1429] Oh, Jesus, dude.

[1430] Just hurry up and die.

[1431] Will you fucking hurry up, you fucking model T human being?

[1432] You dipshit.

[1433] Just die.

[1434] I love my family.

[1435] I love my guns.

[1436] Take those.

[1437] You've got to come through me. I'm not saying I want to take your guns, dude.

[1438] I like guns, too.

[1439] I love my family, too.

[1440] Settle the fuck down.

[1441] Jesus Christ.

[1442] Every time in history.

[1443] No one's coming through you, bro.

[1444] But every period in history has got those human anchors desperately trying to dig their claws into the earth and keep evolution from happening.

[1445] Desperately.

[1446] Kill for it.

[1447] Kill for it.

[1448] The Inquisition.

[1449] What do you mean?

[1450] Wait a minute.

[1451] You can't be serious.

[1452] Everyone gather around.

[1453] Did you hear Galileo?

[1454] Did you hear what Galileo just said?

[1455] Father, I heard he speak of the earth not being the center.

[1456] I love my earth in the center of the universe.

[1457] I love my earth.

[1458] I love my sticks and bows and arrows.

[1459] I love my sling.

[1460] I love my slave.

[1461] I love my catapult.

[1462] I love burning witches.

[1463] Anybody try to take my catapult away, that'll come through me. I love my scroll.

[1464] I love carving and rock.

[1465] I love walking.

[1466] I don't need to ride any horses.

[1467] domesticated animals.

[1468] That's complicated.

[1469] Anybody who wants to domesticate horses has got to come through me. I love being a hunter -gatherer.

[1470] I love having a lifespan.

[1471] I love being a single -cell organism.

[1472] There's no need to expand.

[1473] We're all having a good time down here in the bottom of the ocean floor.

[1474] Anybody who wants to change, that's got to come through me. I love being a carbon molecule.

[1475] I love existing in pre -Big Bang conditions.

[1476] Hello, my family.

[1477] I love it.

[1478] I love the protons.

[1479] Anybody wants to change that?

[1480] As I open up the second bottle of wine.

[1481] I grew up on a known dirt road in a town you wouldn't know.

[1482] I have a question about it.

[1483] It's a beautiful song, man. The guys sing his fucking ass off.

[1484] I'm sorry.

[1485] I'm not denying it.

[1486] I'm buying that shit on iTunes right now because I made fun of you, bro.

[1487] I love that song.

[1488] No bullshit.

[1489] I love it.

[1490] He's a Massachusetts boy just like me. When you first talked about the horse humping.

[1491] How many dirt roads are in Massachusetts?

[1492] You called it Mr. Hands.

[1493] Yes.

[1494] Was that just because you saw the file name Mr. Hands?

[1495] Yes, mrhands .mpeg.

[1496] Now, was that already called Mr. Hands?

[1497] No, his name, the guy who got fucked to death, was Mr. Hands.

[1498] If you don't know what the story we're talking about, we're talking about a real true story about a gentleman in Seattle.

[1499] I believe.

[1500] I believe he was an engineer, but he was a professional.

[1501] And he had this crazy fetish for sex with animals and wind up getting killed.

[1502] And there's a video of him getting fucked by a horse.

[1503] And the video is mrhens .mpeg.

[1504] And you can get it at twoguysonehorse .com.

[1505] And if you're new to the internet or you don't have any fucked up friends like me...

[1506] You might not have ever even seen this.

[1507] Don't.

[1508] You're right.

[1509] Don't do it.

[1510] It's not worth it.

[1511] Why are you going to do that to yourself?

[1512] It's so crazy to watch a guy get fucked by a horse.

[1513] It's not.

[1514] They were talking about Mr. Hands today.

[1515] I worked on this horror movie, this low -budget horror movie, and they were all talking about Mr. Hands, but they were all calling it Mr. Hands .mpeg or whatever.

[1516] Right.

[1517] And then they were saying that there's a Mrs. Hands.

[1518] Really?

[1519] And they were all like, oh, yeah, Mrs. Hands is even worse.

[1520] Oh, my God.

[1521] How could it be worse?

[1522] And they described it where it was the woman's face was off the side.

[1523] the thing and the horse is just fucking coming and suddenly it pulls out and just floppy dick and cum and everything and the girl at one point is going Oh, yeah.

[1524] You know, like it changes.

[1525] Oh, you know what that is?

[1526] That's old.

[1527] That's not actually Mrs. Hands.

[1528] So they just called it, it's a marketing gig.

[1529] Yeah, there was a dude named Billy Connolly.

[1530] I fucking watched it over his house while someone stood guard over the front door.

[1531] We were in the basement, and one of us had to stand guard by the front door.

[1532] We were in the basement.

[1533] They had to go up the stairs and stand by the door, and if you hear my fucking mom, you better say something.

[1534] This is what Billy said.

[1535] Because apparently maybe his mom either caught him with it or didn't know he had it, but there was some issue.

[1536] It was called Barnyard Betty.

[1537] Yes, VHS.

[1538] And you could barely see what the fuck was going on.

[1539] It was really shitty quality, but that's one of the scenes.

[1540] The horse shoots a load all over her, and she makes these moans like, oh, yeah.

[1541] And it's so disturbing.

[1542] It was almost like I got molested that day because the day is literally broken up in my memory with these jolting, these standout memories.

[1543] You know how you scroll through your icons if you use a Mac?

[1544] And you scroll through and then they get larger when your cursor goes over the thing.

[1545] That's what those memories are.

[1546] It's like the whole day is like a normal day.

[1547] No memory of the day at all.

[1548] All of a sudden, girl got fucked by a horse in Billy Connolly's basement.

[1549] I got to tell you something, man. I don't think there is a comparison between a girl getting horse cum blasted all over and a guy getting...

[1550] impaled to death on the penis of a horse.

[1551] Those are two different things.

[1552] Women have died from getting fucked by horses too.

[1553] Many people have died.

[1554] Who was that famous woman who was some god damn who the hell was she?

[1555] Wasn't there a queen?

[1556] Yeah a queen.

[1557] My memory sucks.

[1558] I worked all day today in the sun doing something that I god damn wish I could tell you folks about.

[1559] I can't tell you a damn word, but oh my God.

[1560] I can't wait to talk about this once it actually happens.

[1561] I can tell you what happened I did today.

[1562] I'm sure it's going to be just as awesome.

[1563] This girl named Sandra Dee was the actress in the movie.

[1564] Look at me, I'm Sandra Dee.

[1565] She played like this monster, like a Carrie monster.

[1566] Oh, that's her real name?

[1567] Her real name is Sandra Dee?

[1568] You know, that's like a famous...

[1569] Name of a person in Greece, yeah.

[1570] She's an adult actress slash actress.

[1571] Oh, she's one of those.

[1572] So I think it might not be her real name.

[1573] But she's a bigger one.

[1574] She's an adult actress.

[1575] She's got over 100 ,000 Twitter friends.

[1576] Over 100 ,000 Twitter friends.

[1577] Yeah, she's a bigger one.

[1578] Let me check her out.

[1579] And she has a British accent.

[1580] Fucking hot as balls.

[1581] What is her Twitter address?

[1582] Sandra Dee.

[1583] Just Sandra Dee with a D or D -E -E?

[1584] D -E -E.

[1585] So anyways, this movie, she kills me in it.

[1586] Oh, shit.

[1587] Spoiler alert.

[1588] But she's like...

[1589] Sitting right over me at one point.

[1590] And I die from her period blood.

[1591] First of all, you just fucked up some poor girl named Sandra Dee who only has 17 followers.

[1592] Poor Sandra Dee sitting in front of her ATF.

[1593] What's happening?

[1594] Living in northern Michigan is going to get bombed on by the savages that listen to this podcast.

[1595] What is it?

[1596] Sandra Dee is just some regular girl named Sandy Butler.

[1597] Hi, Sandy.

[1598] Sorry.

[1599] Sorry to bother you.

[1600] I feel like we accidentally called you at home.

[1601] Did I see your asshole today?

[1602] Please be nice to her, folks.

[1603] Please.

[1604] Please be nice.

[1605] She seems like a nice girl with a love of ATVs.

[1606] There's a photo of her with an ATV here.

[1607] And she's smiling like, really?

[1608] You want me to take a picture right here?

[1609] Okay.

[1610] It's like somebody randomly getting attacked by killer bees.

[1611] It's somebody just walking through a party.

[1612] This poor girl.

[1613] Her Twitter just got mobbed.

[1614] Oh.

[1615] Her Twitter just got assaulted by savages.

[1616] Do you know how fucking trippy it's going to be for her to open up her Twitter tomorrow morning and look at 5 ,000 responses out of nowhere?

[1617] Like, what?

[1618] Huh?

[1619] Yeah.

[1620] I'm sorry.

[1621] It's Sophie D. Oh, you fuckhead.

[1622] S -O -P -H -I -E -D -E.

[1623] I posted a bunch of photos of me today.

[1624] Sandy, I feel so bad.

[1625] On my Twitter.

[1626] If someone's mean to you, I'm going to follow you, Sandy.

[1627] If someone's mean to you, DM me and I'll correct everything.

[1628] I'm following you now, Sandy.

[1629] So anyway, there's one point where she's like, she has one foot on each side of me, completely naked, trenched in blood.

[1630] Sophie D. You're in a movie with this chick?

[1631] Yeah.

[1632] S -O -P -H -I -E -D -E.

[1633] Is this like one of those?

[1634] It's like Evil Dead movie, like really low budget horror movie.

[1635] Ridiculous.

[1636] Oh, really low.

[1637] But really cool crazy blood effects.

[1638] Oh, this bitch is dirty.

[1639] Bam, son.

[1640] Yeah, it's just a fun little short little film.

[1641] So what happened?

[1642] You were hanging out with this dirty hot chick.

[1643] This girl looks so dirty, too.

[1644] Oh, my Lord.

[1645] Pictures of her in bikinis.

[1646] Jesus fucking Christ.

[1647] She had the biggest tits I've ever fucking seen.

[1648] Duncan Trussell, Duncan Trussell.

[1649] Duncan Trussell, look at this picture.

[1650] I don't usually do this because this is a podcast, and you folks at home can't see this, but we're kind of drunk right now.

[1651] Wow.

[1652] It's ridiculous.

[1653] Imagine the incredible pull that has.

[1654] Those tits look real.

[1655] Are they real?

[1656] I thought they looked real, too.

[1657] I think they are real.

[1658] They're huge.

[1659] And look, if you look at the photos...

[1660] No, they can't be real.

[1661] You know what I think?

[1662] I think she's one of those crazy bitches that had big, real tits and then got them bigger.

[1663] Wait, look at...

[1664] They're naked on my Twitter.

[1665] Look at backslash redband.

[1666] Oh, I see what you did, you fuck.

[1667] Oh, that's cute.

[1668] Somebody's got to do it.

[1669] Yeah, that's ridiculous.

[1670] Do you have naked pictures of her on your Twitter?

[1671] You don't even, do you?

[1672] Yeah, I do.

[1673] I hope the hackers fucking go after you right now.

[1674] Why do you unleash the hackers on every...

[1675] Release the house!

[1676] What the fuck?

[1677] I don't see no pictures of this bitch, bro.

[1678] Yeah, keep looking.

[1679] Keep looking.

[1680] Yeah, you fucking asshole.

[1681] He just fucking tricked me, man. There's tons of photos on there.

[1682] Speaking of photos, I heard.

[1683] I heard.

[1684] I heard.

[1685] The little hobo came back.

[1686] Yeah, little hobo's back, but he's smaller.

[1687] I ordered the wrong goddamn size.

[1688] I think it's funnier because he's super small.

[1689] He just fucked up the story, dude.

[1690] How big is he?

[1691] How big is little hobo?

[1692] I don't know.

[1693] He's like this big now.

[1694] That's even better.

[1695] That might be better.

[1696] First of all, it's easier to carry him.

[1697] And second of all, it's even creepier that a tiny little doll is going to kill you.

[1698] I want to do it in New Orleans, but I don't think it'll work.

[1699] The fuck it is not going to work.

[1700] You must do it.

[1701] It's too small.

[1702] It's like a tiny little doll.

[1703] Oh, that's the picture?

[1704] That's pretty funny.

[1705] And the whole time I'm laying there while she's up at me, I'm just looking up her pussy in her butthole.

[1706] How high is she?

[1707] Fucking amazing.

[1708] Her eyes look like scary monsters.

[1709] They're just so blue.

[1710] They're the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen.

[1711] Keep talking.

[1712] I'm saying.

[1713] But she's married to a black wizard.

[1714] As long as you live.

[1715] What?

[1716] A black what?

[1717] No, I'm just kidding.

[1718] Is she married?

[1719] She's married to another porn star.

[1720] Oh, how's that work?

[1721] Are they allowed to only bang people on camera?

[1722] We had Dana DeArmond on once.

[1723] It was a very cool chick, but she was talking about a relationship she was in once where she had a relationship with a porn star, but they were only allowed to bang other people in movies.

[1724] And she caught them banging other people outside of the movies and she was mad.

[1725] How dare you?

[1726] I'd be like, what are you doing today?

[1727] Bitch, I'm working.

[1728] I'd be working all day.

[1729] Practicing.

[1730] If that was like a total loophole in marriages, every man would be a porn star.

[1731] We'd all be like, I got to, look, I said, honey, times are tough, okay?

[1732] It's a bad economy.

[1733] I'm going to pick up a little money on the side, fucking chicks on film.

[1734] Yeah, man, it's so embarrassing.

[1735] I mean, that's one of the other things about being human.

[1736] It's like, you know, you're just trapped in these fucking awful primate.

[1737] monogamy patterns and it's just like embarrassing you get jealous or weird and all that shit's embarrassing it's like the whole situation like we're still stuck in this really primitive way of living and we can't get out of it well it's what it is is we're becoming aware that it's silly whereas for the majority of existence it was just accepted and it wasn't what it was and it was what made you feel good what makes you feel good to conquer your enemy you know it's like conan what is best in life what is that to crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and they hear the laminations of the women.

[1738] Yeah, that's so awesome.

[1739] And he had this, you know, I mean, but that's what it was, man. Fucking ancient Sumeria, or Sumeria, whatever the fuck he was from.

[1740] That's what it was about, right?

[1741] You know, that's whatever, supposed, you know, it's a fake world, but we're thinking he lived 6 ,000 years ago, 7 ,000 years ago.

[1742] That's what people did.

[1743] You know, there wasn't a lot going on.

[1744] I like the first two, but the third, it's like, I don't want to hear the lamentations.

[1745] I don't mind crushing my...

[1746] You don't want to hear them go, oh!

[1747] That's not lamentation.

[1748] Laminations?

[1749] Lamentation is screaming because you're fucking getting raped by the Mongols.

[1750] How do you say lamentations?

[1751] It's a word that I've never used ever.

[1752] Yeah, it's moaning, screaming.

[1753] If you use this word, by the way, you're a douchebag.

[1754] Lamentations.

[1755] You can never use that word.

[1756] You should hear my wife laminating.

[1757] No, is it lamentating?

[1758] Oh, there's some weird thing about the Jewish prophet Jeremiah.

[1759] Are you sure it's the same thing?

[1760] Pretty sure.

[1761] Definition.

[1762] I think it's a, isn't it like a verse or a book of the Bible?

[1763] Lamentations.

[1764] Hmm, the act of lamenting?

[1765] Well, that's the worst definition I've ever heard.

[1766] Expression of sorrow.

[1767] Okay, yeah.

[1768] A cry of sorrow or grief.

[1769] Lamentations.

[1770] So that's what it is, the women are crying.

[1771] Yeah.

[1772] Until you start.

[1773] Because they're getting raped.

[1774] No, no, the men are getting killed.

[1775] No. To crush your enemy.

[1776] No, no, no, no, no. What that was based on was the Mongols.

[1777] And the Mongols would fucking ride in and it was just, you would sack a village and then you would rape the women.

[1778] Are you saying that Conan was based on the Mongols?

[1779] I think so.

[1780] I think they drew a lot from it.

[1781] Who's they, bro?

[1782] It's Robert E. Howard.

[1783] Do you even know about the books?

[1784] Yeah, I know he committed suicide, and I used to have the fucking poem he wrote when he got suicide.

[1785] I used to have it memorized, but I can't remember it now.

[1786] Did you ever read any of the old Conans?

[1787] Fuck yeah, dude.

[1788] Fuck yeah.

[1789] Those things got me through a depressing high school.

[1790] Yeah, I love Conan.

[1791] That's what I read.

[1792] I'm so bummed that apparently the new movie sucks, because I was really looking forward to it.

[1793] I really wanted to see it.

[1794] I love those two.

[1795] Well, I met the guy, too.

[1796] He came to the UFC once, and I was kind of glad that I didn't have to interview him, because he was kind of going crazy, and I don't know how I would have reacted to it.

[1797] Not going crazy in the bathroom, but it was all psyched, because Chris Lieben won.

[1798] He was all pumped up and everything.

[1799] But Goldberg is like, Mr. Brown.

[1800] Professional.

[1801] Well, all right.

[1802] Tell us about this movie, Conan.

[1803] Goldberg is like a super professional play -by -play broadcaster guy.

[1804] So he can interview somebody if he knew nothing about them.

[1805] When I interview somebody, if I know nothing about them, I feel weird.

[1806] But this guy is the perfect Conan.

[1807] People are giving him shit because they don't like the fact that he's pretty.

[1808] People don't like a fucking six -foot -four beautiful man with a sculpted body.

[1809] He's in Game of Thrones, right?

[1810] Yeah.

[1811] Dude, he's great in fucking Game of Thrones.

[1812] Oh, he would have been good in this.

[1813] This movie's a piece of shit.

[1814] He's a good Conan.

[1815] There's scenes where he's fighting as Conan that are bad fucking ass.

[1816] He's fighting with these things that are made out of sand, these sand monsters.

[1817] And the way he moves around, I'm like, you nailed it.

[1818] That's Robert E. Howard's Conan.

[1819] That's it.

[1820] This guy just needs, like...

[1821] First of all, you need a singular vision.

[1822] You need a guy who's a brilliant writer who's a Robert B. Howard fan.

[1823] Go for it.

[1824] Create the whole thing.

[1825] But there's scenes where it's just so preposterous.

[1826] They were so dumb.

[1827] The final scene with him and his antagonist is one of the dumbest scenes in any action movie ever.

[1828] It's almost like they slapped it together in 10 minutes and filmed it with an iPhone.

[1829] It's so stupid.

[1830] Why do they do that?

[1831] Because there's a bunch of people that want to get their fucking greedy little paws on things.

[1832] There's a bunch of different producers, a bunch of different executives.

[1833] a bunch of different people, and they all have their own vision of how it should work.

[1834] This guy, Jason Momoa, is an unknown actor, fairly unknown at least, to carry such a gigantic franchise.

[1835] It's a $90 million fucking investment for the studio, and all these assholes want to stick their dirty fingers in it.

[1836] I've seen it, man. I watched it on a fucking movie.

[1837] It's like Contagion.

[1838] There was a movie I did called Frank McCluskey CI, and I've talked about it once before, that I did this movie, and I watched this kid who was a really funny kid.

[1839] Frank, I should say his name.

[1840] It's Dave something.

[1841] Frank McCluskey CI.

[1842] Let me look it up just to give this kid props.

[1843] He was a fucking really funny comedian, man. He's like, I was watching him, Dave Sheridan.

[1844] I was watching him like his ad libs.

[1845] I was watching the way he performed.

[1846] He was like really over the top, almost Jim Carrey in Ace Ventura -ish.

[1847] And there was a guy who was on the set who was an executive.

[1848] And I don't know what production company filmed it.

[1849] I was barely paying attention to any of that shit back then.

[1850] But this guy had a Rolex on and a suit.

[1851] super expensive suit with suspenders and cufflinks.

[1852] I mean, this was a fucking, this was a baller.

[1853] This was some guy who had made a bunch of big, big movies already and made a ton of money and was dressing on this movie set in a way that I'd really never seen anybody dress in a movie set.

[1854] To me, it was ridiculous.

[1855] And he was wearing this ridiculous, it was so obvious he had a ton of money.

[1856] And he was giving this kid line readings.

[1857] This kid was doing his scene and the kid would do the scene and he would go, okay, okay, okay.

[1858] Instead of that, how about this?

[1859] How about you walk in, you step one foot on the floor, you throw your legs up and you He made it himself.

[1860] He did his own little interpretation of what he thought would be awesome in the scene.

[1861] And I was like, God damn, here his ego want to mock some completely uncreative fuckhead wearing cufflinks is telling this really funny kid what to do.

[1862] And I was watching it erode right before my eyes.

[1863] I was watching what was a really funny script and a really zany, kind of silly actor.

[1864] I was like, oh, that's kind of fun.

[1865] And I watched them poison it.

[1866] I watched them stick their dirty fingers in it.

[1867] And that's what Conan smelled like.

[1868] Conan smelled like one guy thought we could do it right and we could recreate Robert E. Howard's version of Conan and we could have fucking monsters and sorcery and all kinds of crazy shit that he fights again.

[1869] We could do this.

[1870] This is going to be fucking wild.

[1871] And the studio's like, we're in.

[1872] We got Jason Momoa from the Game of Thrones.

[1873] Look at him.

[1874] He's six foot five.

[1875] He's a fucking male model.

[1876] He's built like Hercules.

[1877] This guy's Conan.

[1878] He is Conan.

[1879] I want you to meet him.

[1880] I am Conan.

[1881] He's fucking Conan.

[1882] They get all fired up.

[1883] They do lines.

[1884] And then they start rewriting the script.

[1885] The executives say, these guys don't know fucking movies like I know fucking movies.

[1886] I produce 25 fucking movies.

[1887] and they start getting their dirty little stinky jizz -covered paws all over that script, and they start fucking dropping Coke rocks out of their fucking nose on keywords.

[1888] They blow it.

[1889] They blow it, the fucks.

[1890] Or not.

[1891] Could have been a totally different scenario.

[1892] This is just for entertainment purposes, folks.

[1893] Please don't sue me. This part is going on that I enjoyed.

[1894] The thing we were talking about at the beginning, when people are used to free entertainment, They want it to stay free.

[1895] And a lot of people, when they watch NBC or ABC or CBS or any of these shows, they think they're getting free entertainment.

[1896] But they're not getting free entertainment.

[1897] They're paying with their attention on the advertisements.

[1898] But more than that, they're paying in the form of getting diluted entertainment.

[1899] They're getting shit that's got that thing that you just described.

[1900] Every show.

[1901] on a network has had, almost every show, has had that exact same thing applied to it in so many different ways because the executives want to sell antidepressants or they want to sell Chevrolets or whatever the fuck they're advertising on the show.

[1902] Have you ever had this experience personally?

[1903] Where shit got diluted?

[1904] My one experience with a show that didn't get picked up by Comedy Central, weirdly, because I was prepared for this, I was like, they're going to, Comedy Central will ruin my vision in the first round of notes there.

[1905] came back was awesome it was great notes really smart it was like it made the the notes made sense there wasn't any kind of weird like oh yes wait no no no i did have it happen i did have it happen when i made some stuff uh for fuel tv for this show called stupid face I love the name of that show.

[1906] That's where we made a galaxy cabin, log cabin in space.

[1907] Oh, the thing with Joey Diaz living in someone's neck.

[1908] Explain that, please.

[1909] Explain how ridiculous it is.

[1910] What was Joey Diaz doing?

[1911] He played a fisherman.

[1912] Well, the story was about I played a mountain man. and my friend Brian Jarvis played a space captain, and something had happened where he'd gotten sucked into a black hole, and a flood had sucked my cabin into a black hole at the same time, and now we fly through space in this cabin, and we're just idiots, and like, this is the stupidest, I wish we'd had a bigger budget though, man, because it's such a funny idea.

[1913] It's so stupid, I wish they gave us more money.

[1914] I know, I know, because we had no budget for the thing, we had like a green screen, so Joey Diaz is, episode was we're like in the cabin and um my grandfather comes like knocks on the door of the cabin in space and i i'm like granddaddy i thought you were dead and he's like He wants the space commander's ring.

[1915] He's like, let me see your friend's ring there.

[1916] And my friend's like, I'm not sure this is your grandfather, Red.

[1917] And then, basically, it was an alien living in the neck of my dead grandfather.

[1918] An alien living in the neck of your dead grandfather.

[1919] And that was Joey Diaz.

[1920] And he was called the fisherman, and he was in a rain slicker.

[1921] It was too small for him.

[1922] Yeah, it was too small, and he was floating on a canoe.

[1923] Joey Diaz nailed it, too.

[1924] If you ever had children, and you...

[1925] and your wife were getting divorced, she would bring that fucking video to a court and say, this is the kind of shit I got to deal with.

[1926] You win.

[1927] You know, that's another thing to fight for the kids.

[1928] No, you win.

[1929] You get the kids.

[1930] You can keep them.

[1931] Oh, well, you don't want it, man. Once you become attached to the kids, if your wife is crazy.

[1932] Oh, yeah, that's true.

[1933] It becomes a real issue with people.

[1934] Or if you feel like your wife is going to lie and turn your kids on you.

[1935] That's what a lot of men think.

[1936] A lot of men are worried about.

[1937] I wonder why they think that.

[1938] Listen, man, when someone fucking hates you and they talk shit about you all day, that's a terrible thing.

[1939] If you go over your mom's house, your mom is just constantly talking shit about your dad.

[1940] You go over your dad's house, your dad's constantly talking shit about your mom.

[1941] It's like, Jesus Christ, how the fuck am I ever going to have a normal relationship?

[1942] I'm five, you dumb cunts.

[1943] You fuckheads don't even know how to get along civilly outside of your fuck time.

[1944] You know, you stop fucking and now you hate each other.

[1945] You have kids.

[1946] You don't want to be together.

[1947] Grow the fuck up.

[1948] You got a kid, dummy.

[1949] Yeah, well, you know, man, the thing about that shit, man, is that...

[1950] Well, the thing I'm realizing is there is a fucking shitty network executive in everyone's life or most people's lives.

[1951] It's like that shit doesn't just stop at the networks.

[1952] It's way worse than that, dude.

[1953] Most people have bosses.

[1954] Bosses are way, way, way, way, way worse than shitty network executives.

[1955] Because even if you've got a shitty network executive, you're on fucking TV, dude.

[1956] You've got a television show.

[1957] You're doing something wild and crazy that very few people ever get to do.

[1958] I've dealt with network executives when we did the man show.

[1959] Doug and I both got fucked.

[1960] It was a disaster.

[1961] And I watched other people get fucked when I was doing news radio.

[1962] I watched The Influence.

[1963] I've seen things that could have been really good get fucked with and become bad.

[1964] Or when people don't believe in things because the ratings are not good, all of a sudden they want to bring in people.

[1965] They want to bring in men and bring in women and hot chicks.

[1966] We're going to mix this up.

[1967] And the network has all their nutty fucking ideas on how to tune things up and make them more exciting.

[1968] It's gross.

[1969] It's annoying as fuck, man. What they're supposed to do is promote the shit out of the show.

[1970] And if it's not good, if it doesn't get good ratings, just cancel that piece of shit.

[1971] Sell it.

[1972] Don't.

[1973] Smell it.

[1974] What you don't want to do is get a bunch of network executives who generally are uncreative people influencing creative people.

[1975] Sure.

[1976] The creative people, either they do it or they don't do it.

[1977] Either it works or it doesn't work.

[1978] That's what I think.

[1979] But when executives start digging in, very few know what they're doing.

[1980] Yeah.

[1981] Very few.

[1982] Very few know creatively.

[1983] Yeah, it's like the time when we were doing Stupid Face.

[1984] Here's the weird thing.

[1985] There are two guys who are these skateboarders named Ted and Laban who are the main producers and they're awesome.

[1986] just crazy awesome brilliant guys then above them was this guy that they had to pass everything through and he would give the most random shitty notes about stuff that you would do and it was like notes that were impossible to do it to address you know like not specific notes like i'm trying to think of like some you know like two line notes like you know this was good but it would be better if we could make it more laughy Whoa.

[1987] You know what I mean?

[1988] Like kind of ambiguous notes.

[1989] We're like, well, how do I make something laughy?

[1990] Or more like, you know what I mean?

[1991] There's like, do you mean fun?

[1992] What are your specific problems with it?

[1993] But that was the one experience I had with that.

[1994] But I have obviously heard shitloads of people having these problems.

[1995] It's kind of like, remember when you were in reading class, when you were learning to read as a kid, and you'd sit in a circle and you'd read?

[1996] Yeah.

[1997] And there was always that kid who slowed the whole thing down.

[1998] It would get to that one kid who's like, is...

[1999] Right.

[2000] And you knew how to read.

[2001] You could read pretty fast, but the whole fucking thing, lunch was being fucking pushed back because of this one thing.

[2002] Well, in the same way, those people insert themselves into power positions, right?

[2003] And they'll put themselves into creative power positions.

[2004] They're everywhere.

[2005] They've infected everything, but now they have power.

[2006] Imagine if the kid...

[2007] That is...

[2008] Let me tell you something.

[2009] That's a...

[2010] unrealistic characterization because it's very fucking difficult to become a network executive.

[2011] Most of them are very intelligent.

[2012] They're not shitty readers.

[2013] No, I don't mean they can't read.

[2014] I mean, they're like that for creativity.

[2015] I'm saying their skill level for creativity is the same as the kid who can't read.

[2016] I thought you were talking about those people.

[2017] No, hopefully those people learn to read.

[2018] I think it's an ego thing entirely.

[2019] I think they become successful and successful people think they're good at everything.

[2020] That's why people who are successful at one thing don't like learning other things.

[2021] One of the biggest problems and mixed martial arts fighters is people who have a specialty.

[2022] and don't want to learn another specialty.

[2023] They become very, very one -dimensional.

[2024] There's a lot of fighters like that where they're really good kickboxers, and they never learn how to wrestle or do jiu -jitsu.

[2025] Isn't that good?

[2026] Is there something good about that?

[2027] No, it's terrible.

[2028] It's terrible for them.

[2029] And the problem is they're not willing to be a novice.

[2030] They're so good at that one thing that that's the thing they want to train all the time because they're so good at it.

[2031] But whenever you see, someone's just showing me this website for this actress, and it's her resume, and it's like director, actor, producer.

[2032] There was like seven things that she said she was.

[2033] And it was like, oh, God, give me a fucking break.

[2034] And then like the...

[2035] she had quotes you know like references intuitive healer that shit yeah it's like you know when you spiritual god and some people do it some people do it some people like will have like nine things going at once but i always there's something i respect in people who are just focused on this one thing like just they're a writer that's what they do right they just right i think that's cool well being a comic you know i mean i do a lot of other shit besides comedy like uh i do the ufc and do other things so what i've managed to do is be professional a professional me I'm me professionally.

[2036] And so I put me in certain situations.

[2037] I put me in a situation where there's some fights going on and I have to explain what's going on in a way that people are going to think it's entertaining and ingest that.

[2038] And then there's other me where I'm going on a stage in front of a bunch of people and I'm going to say things in a certain way that's going to make them laugh.

[2039] Or I'm me and I'm talking on the internet in a podcast.

[2040] Or I'm me and I'm getting people to do something.

[2041] I wish you could talk about that so bad.

[2042] What's that?

[2043] I wish you could talk about that thing so bad.

[2044] Oh yeah, I wish I could too, but I cannot, sir.

[2045] He has photos of something he can't talk about on his phone.

[2046] We'll be able to talk about it eventually.

[2047] It's insane.

[2048] Oh, it's terrible.

[2049] It's terrible.

[2050] It's amazing.

[2051] It's amazing the difference between 2002 Fear Factor and 2011 Fear Factor.

[2052] It's like they mixed internet in with it.

[2053] Yes, that's exactly what happened.

[2054] The internet, no question about it, has changed our line in the sand.

[2055] No, it reminds me of when rap turned into gangster rap.

[2056] Remember that transition?

[2057] This is way crazier than that, dude.

[2058] I mean, hip hop, a hibbity hip hop.

[2059] to some NWA or something like that.

[2060] It's Trinidad Compton.

[2061] It's terrible.

[2062] Yeah, exactly.

[2063] It's terrible.

[2064] I gagged.

[2065] I guess so.

[2066] By the way, when you were just talking about it as I was drinking the coconut water, I gagged.

[2067] I'm immune.

[2068] I was right there.

[2069] Not only was I right there, I was right there while there was people vomiting.

[2070] Nothing.

[2071] I'm immune to vomit.

[2072] It's crazy, man. My little baby threw up in the bed the other night.

[2073] And, you know, it's sad.

[2074] She's okay.

[2075] Sometimes kids that cough while they have food in their mouth and they just throw up.

[2076] Sure.

[2077] It's normal.

[2078] Cats throw up all the fucking time.

[2079] Yeah, but cats are gross, dude.

[2080] Why do they throw up so much?

[2081] Because they lick their hair, man. And they eat turds.

[2082] They lick their own hair.

[2083] That's one reason.

[2084] They eat their own hair.

[2085] And they have to throw up those hair balls.

[2086] And sometimes they get food in.

[2087] She throws up three times a week.

[2088] Three, four times a week.

[2089] They eat turds.

[2090] My female.

[2091] I'm not alone.

[2092] My male doesn't throw up.

[2093] Exactly.

[2094] Same here.

[2095] 100%.

[2096] And you know what else I've done?

[2097] I started bringing them to the groomer, which is great for them because it's hot as fuck out here in California.

[2098] And so I don't let them out.

[2099] I do let them out in the courtyard sometimes.

[2100] But outdoor cats, you know, I believe that cats should be free.

[2101] And I've had outdoor cats in my life.

[2102] And I believe that's the best way for cats.

[2103] But I'm terrified of that fucking toxoplasma shit.

[2104] You know, you can say that that's ridiculous.

[2105] But if you read about it, I might have it.

[2106] You've got to talk into your microphone, homeboy.

[2107] You've got to talk into your microphone.

[2108] I'm 100 % serious that I will take a test.

[2109] We should all take a test.

[2110] You have to put your headphones on.

[2111] And put it on.

[2112] You think you have it?

[2113] No, I don't think I have it, but I think we definitely need to take a test.

[2114] I think you're right.

[2115] I think we need to read it live.

[2116] Yeah, you're right.

[2117] I think Joey Diaz has it.

[2118] By the way, you can have it and be a healthy person.

[2119] It just affects your judgment, apparently, or has a effect.

[2120] Look, if you're slightly cranky, that also affects your judgment.

[2121] There's a lot of things that affect your judgment.

[2122] If you haven't got enough sleep, if you're in a bad relationship, there's things that affect your judgment.

[2123] I know I've got it.

[2124] I fucking changed so many bags of cat litter when I was a kid.

[2125] Breathing in that shit.

[2126] Well, that is probably not to worry.

[2127] I worry because I've had feral cats.

[2128] I had a wild cat.

[2129] Oh, I did too.

[2130] I captured six kittens, brought them back to my apartment.

[2131] Oh, we both have.

[2132] Feral kittens.

[2133] I'm festering.

[2134] Did you camera round them by their neck, by your mouth?

[2135] I caught them in a box.

[2136] I caught them in a box at a construction site, and they were assholes, man. I wish I'd never done it.

[2137] Well, they're scared of people, but they will bond to one person and really, really be attached to them.

[2138] My cat was super attached to me, but terrified of everybody else, man. I was too young to have cats.

[2139] What?

[2140] Why?

[2141] Because I was an idiot.

[2142] You've got to have a lot of responsibility to have pets.

[2143] No, you don't.

[2144] Cats are like the easiest thing.

[2145] It's easier than a fucking hamster.

[2146] People don't understand, man. Well, it's more responsibility than a plant.

[2147] Yeah.

[2148] And also, depending on your conditioning, some people raise other people to think that cats are like...

[2149] one step above like a stake like people don't a lot of people don't they don't have animal empathy so they're really shitty with their animals like when you drive by someone's porch and they've got a dog on like a tiny little chain and they think that's normal people think that's normal or people only like walk their dogs for or do dogs who don't have a backyard people only walk their dogs for like five minutes a day Like, you can't do that.

[2150] You have to walk your dog like 45 minutes a day.

[2151] Never walk my dog, ever.

[2152] You should.

[2153] He hates walking.

[2154] You mean you should if you don't have a big yard, or you just should no matter what?

[2155] I mean...

[2156] For what it's worth, that's what the dog whisperer said.

[2157] He said dogs need like a 45 -minute...

[2158] Not all dogs.

[2159] I don't remember.

[2160] Dog whisperer.

[2161] My dog loves it.

[2162] That's the point.

[2163] My dog loves a good long walk.

[2164] Of course they do.

[2165] He wants to be cooped up in a fucking house all day.

[2166] My dog.

[2167] That's totally true.

[2168] I have one solution with my dogs.

[2169] I have a giant yard.

[2170] I have a yard for my dogs only that's a full acre, wooded.

[2171] Saw pine trees all day.

[2172] They're just fucking chasing squirrels and having a party up there.

[2173] yeah but i i bought this place specifically because it had this big lot next to it and i knew that i'd keep my dogs in yeah you know i feel like if you have dogs man you have a responsibility to give those dogs like a fun environment totally you know like my dogs are happy as fuck you come near my dogs they're wagging their tail and shit they're never like freaking out that they're stuck in this yard their yard's huge you know it's a full acre yeah yeah i think i've basically transformed my dog into a monkey my dog's turned into something more than a dog because i I treat my dog like a person, and I feel like my dog understands that.

[2174] I think that dogs can become these amazing creatures if you give them enough love, but people are dumb, and they don't get that, and so they're like, give them some dry food and water and let them lay on the couch all fucking day.

[2175] It doesn't want to do that.

[2176] They want walks, man. They want attention.

[2177] They want stimulation, too.

[2178] They want to be outside.

[2179] They need the outside.

[2180] They need the air.

[2181] Squirrels to bark at.

[2182] My dogs really loved it when we lived in Colorado.

[2183] Because when we lived in Colorado, they were just roam free.

[2184] I was on 148 acres in the mountains.

[2185] So I didn't have a fence.

[2186] I just let them outside.

[2187] And what I did was we were there every day for weeks.

[2188] And we let them know, this is where everybody lives.

[2189] OK, this is where we live now.

[2190] And they figured it out really quick.

[2191] And I just did it totally natural style.

[2192] I just walked them with me. I took them with me on walks.

[2193] We scouted our perimeter.

[2194] They got ahead of me sometimes.

[2195] But when they got ahead of me, they always went right back to the house if we lost them.

[2196] It was pretty interesting until the dog got eaten by the mountain lion, of course.

[2197] Cheers.

[2198] Cheers.

[2199] Cheers.

[2200] If you play the Joe Rogan drinking game, you have to drink when I bring up the traumatic story of my poor little nonny face.

[2201] Oh, that's so sad.

[2202] That's my little buddy.

[2203] It's a sad story.

[2204] Did you hear about this fucking shit about lifelike cells made of metal that they've figured out a way and they're theorizing now that there might be living things out there in the universe that evolve from metal?

[2205] Yeah.

[2206] Like fucking Terminator type shit.

[2207] I saw that.

[2208] Yeah, of course.

[2209] What the fuck, man?

[2210] That's the same thing.

[2211] People thinking that it has to be water and carbon -based life.

[2212] Isn't that the same thing as thinking that Earth is in the center of the fucking universe?

[2213] It's the same silly idea.

[2214] The scientist said, listen to this statement, I am 100 % positive that we can get evolution to work outside organic biology.

[2215] How fucking scary is that?

[2216] Yeah.

[2217] Totally.

[2218] That's what the article says.

[2219] It's probably like that monkey boy from the old Sun TV or the National Enquirer, the screaming monkey boy.

[2220] It says monkey boy.

[2221] No, it says Mr. Scientist fellow.

[2222] He's from, his name is Lee...

[2223] So what do you have to be a scientist?

[2224] Do you have to go to school, or can you just research things and call yourself a scientist?

[2225] That's an interesting point.

[2226] That's a great question.

[2227] I think you have to have some sort of a degree to be taken seriously.

[2228] Can your mom write you the degree and say it's from her college in her backyard?

[2229] No, you silly goose.

[2230] This guy's from the University of Glasgow.

[2231] He's from Scotland.

[2232] And his building blocks are largely, oh, Jesus, say this word, polyoxometallites.

[2233] Polyoxometallites?

[2234] Oh, you mean polyoxometallites.

[2235] Oh, yes.

[2236] I mean polyoxometallites.

[2237] Yes, that's it.

[2238] Made of a range of metal atoms, mostly tungsten linked to oxygen and phosphorus.

[2239] By simply mixing them in a solution, he can get them to self -assemble into cell -like spheres.

[2240] Whoa.

[2241] That's cool.

[2242] Could you imagine if we fucking showed up on some planet somewhere and they really were like Maximus Prime?

[2243] They were like the Transformers.

[2244] The Transformers were real, man. They should have released this.

[2245] If they released this just six months or six weeks, rather, before the Transformers movie came out and they could have this information along with their teasers, it could be a more exciting movie for me. Because I'd be like, maybe it's not so preposterous that these big stupid fucking cars become people -saving robots.

[2246] Like, they give a fucking flying shit about people.

[2247] Dude, what about The Sun?

[2248] I mean...

[2249] Maybe the sun's alive.

[2250] To me, it's like why I think about other planets.

[2251] You have the source of all life on this planet, the main energy source for all life on this planet, outside of things that are getting it from steam vents at the bottom of the sea, things that are living in thermal ducts or whatever.

[2252] I'll go you one further.

[2253] Please.

[2254] We're made out of stars.

[2255] We're literally, every fucking single piece of your body is stardust.

[2256] Yeah.

[2257] I mean, that is what happens.

[2258] Human biology is a direct result of fucking suns blowing up.

[2259] Yeah, that's right.

[2260] That's the only way you get the information to make human beings or the materials.

[2261] It's so incredible.

[2262] It sounds ridiculous.

[2263] It sounds like a Kitty Rogers song.

[2264] We're like retarded stars.

[2265] No, not just Kenny.

[2266] Not Kenny Rogers.

[2267] Kenny Loggins.

[2268] Kenny Loggins.

[2269] No, it sounds like the fucking Highwaymen.

[2270] I was a highwayman.

[2271] Yeah.

[2272] Across the ghost coast.

[2273] That sucks so much.

[2274] Sword and pistol by my son.

[2275] God, I love that song.

[2276] It's a great song, man. When Johnny Cash comes on.

[2277] I ride a starship across the universe divide.

[2278] And when I reach the other side, I'll fly the other side.

[2279] Yeah, if you haven't seen it, it's a song of the Highwaymen.

[2280] Look it up.

[2281] Look it up, Brian.

[2282] We already violated our music law today.

[2283] That album's great anyway.

[2284] This is what happens when we get drunk.

[2285] We open ourselves up to get sued.

[2286] Aaron Lewis, please don't sue me. You think your fucking music's awesome.

[2287] I love it too.

[2288] Hammer that wine.

[2289] Hammer that wine.

[2290] I'm hammered, son.

[2291] I'm officially hammered.

[2292] I think I got blood poisoning from drinking too much fake blood.

[2293] We're stoned.

[2294] We're drinking wine.

[2295] Ryan is fucked up.

[2296] I ate so much fake blood today.

[2297] I think I might shit out fake blood.

[2298] What's it made out of?

[2299] I don't know, but they said not to drink it, but they were squirting it in my face and I drank it.

[2300] Wow.

[2301] They said not to drink it, but you drank it.

[2302] You're so clever.

[2303] Cheers.

[2304] Cheers to my favorite, my little retard buddy.

[2305] You're not a retard.

[2306] You're not a retard.

[2307] You only play one on a podcast.

[2308] Your life is awesome.

[2309] So I understand.

[2310] Ari Shafir is going to branch out on his own and have his own podcast on iTunes.

[2311] He just wanted to do it frequently.

[2312] He also wants to do it.

[2313] It's hard to do.

[2314] Your podcast is getting super popular.

[2315] You've got so many people that are doing it.

[2316] If you don't know, Brian has a whole network of podcasts on iTunes called Death Squad.

[2317] And it's with a bunch of great comics.

[2318] There's Sam Tripoli.

[2319] He's got a podcast.

[2320] And now John Reap and John Heffron, our buddies, are doing a podcast.

[2321] And Tom Segura and his wife are doing it.

[2322] doing a podcast.

[2323] Sam Tripoli's doing a podcast.

[2324] Did I miss anybody?

[2325] Little Esther once in a while does one.

[2326] Brody does one when he's feeling good.

[2327] I like how you phrased that.

[2328] They just had Steve -O on, and they've had a bunch of really good ones.

[2329] We had Steve -O the day before that Mike Tyson and him ran into each other with their face.

[2330] You didn't hear what happened at the roast?

[2331] The Charlie Sheen roast.

[2332] Now, this is just I heard from word of word of word.

[2333] The internet or?

[2334] No, people.

[2335] I heard that.

[2336] Is it on the internet?

[2337] Did you search it?

[2338] They just recorded it Saturday.

[2339] Supposedly.

[2340] Steve -O asked Mike Tyson if he could run into his fist with his face.

[2341] And when he did it, he broke his nose.

[2342] And he has a picture on Steve -O's on Twitter with two black eyes.

[2343] By the way, Steve -O wants to come on this podcast.

[2344] I would love to have him on.

[2345] He loves you.

[2346] What were you talking about?

[2347] We're going to do Judah Friedlander.

[2348] He's going to come on too.

[2349] My buddy Judah just contacted me. He's hilarious.

[2350] And Max Kellerman, who is the HBO boxing analyst.

[2351] My personal favorite boxing analyst.

[2352] Next to Jim Lampley, who's also, those two guys together are my two favorite boxing analysts.

[2353] You know, a lot of people think that because I do the commentary for the UFC that I don't like boxing.

[2354] I am a gigantic boxing fan.

[2355] I've been my whole life, ever since I was a little kid, and remain.

[2356] And by the way, so is Dana White, the president of the UFC.

[2357] He's a fucking huge, huge, huge boxing fan.

[2358] He bets ridiculous amounts of money on Pacquiao fights, on Floyd Mayweather fights.

[2359] He's a fucking huge fan.

[2360] But Max Kellerman, we're both.

[2361] fans of max and he's cool as fuck he's a really interesting guy and he used to be a rapper so it's uh it's gonna be he's a white guy too and he used he used to be a rapper and he's uh Really cool as fuck.

[2362] He's going to be on the podcast too.

[2363] But Judah Friedlander and Graham Hancock.

[2364] We're going to work out Graham Hancock.

[2365] And the way this is going to work, Brian, is we're going to have to do it probably, most likely, in Irvine.

[2366] Because he's doing some seminars down there.

[2367] And he only has like one day off.

[2368] And I feel bad that he has to drive all the way the fuck here.

[2369] That's badass.

[2370] Maybe we can get a spot at the Irvine.

[2371] Yeah, what we're going to do is...

[2372] Well, what I want to do is...

[2373] We're going to have to talk after the show.

[2374] We're going to have to figure out a way to make this shit mobile.

[2375] Dude, the sound guy we use for the Lavender Hour has just innovated a mobile podcast kit, and I'm sure he'd help you guys out.

[2376] Shazam!

[2377] We all have one.

[2378] It's called a laptop.

[2379] It's like equipment.

[2380] This kid's a sound engineer.

[2381] He went to college for it.

[2382] This guy's a sound engineer.

[2383] We should listen to him.

[2384] What the fuck, Brian?

[2385] Anyway, we'll do that.

[2386] The bottom line is that we're going to go to...

[2387] Irvine, and we're going to talk to Graham and see if we can make sure that this happens.

[2388] But Graham Hancock emailed me out of the blue.

[2389] It was one of the fucking coolest things in my life.

[2390] The coolest thing so far of this whole thing, how about this?

[2391] The coolest thing of my entire showbiz experience, right up there with my Spike TV special, which is my favorite special, is Anthony Bourdain doing the podcast.

[2392] That was pretty crazy.

[2393] Get a room.

[2394] That was cool as fuck.

[2395] I definitely got starstruck.

[2396] But the next cool thing.

[2397] thing and maybe even cooler if it's possible is this graham hancock interview because if you don't know who graham hancock is i want you to go and research fingerprints of the gods if you're so inclined if you're interested in this but what a fascinating guy who's basically dedicated his whole life to the very controversial and unpopular idea that human beings have been around perhaps far longer in this advanced state of civilization that we currently enjoy than we give credit to.

[2398] And in fact, there's been some huge ups and huge downs throughout history.

[2399] And it's not simply one straight path from caveman to Wi -Fi.

[2400] And that along the way, there's been some disasters.

[2401] And that this can be clearly...

[2402] I wouldn't say that it can be proven, but what I can say is enough evidence can be...

[2403] brought forth that makes you completely question the current ideas of the timelines of human history.

[2404] And this guy, Graham Hancock, is responsible for his book, Fingerprints of the Gods, completely changing the way I look at civilization.

[2405] Dude, did you send me, were you the one who sent me the fucking video of that Mayan pyramid that they just found?

[2406] Yes.

[2407] Holy shit.

[2408] Yes, in Guatemala.

[2409] Yeah.

[2410] The single largest pyramid by volume on Earth, and it was covered in jungle.

[2411] They didn't even know it existed.

[2412] Yes, not only that, but it has a, you know, when the Spanish came and when the Mayans were conquered, you know, in different parts of, you know, South America, you know, obviously there were, you know, different things happened.

[2413] But one of the things that was a big issue was the Mayan creation story was changed and altered and fucked up and broken up.

[2414] And it's very hard to find an unedited Mayan creation story.

[2415] The Popal View, it's called.

[2416] found this, and it's undoctored, unedited, and it's amazing, and they're going to work on translating it now.

[2417] Has there been anyone in it before?

[2418] Does it look like people from the jungle?

[2419] No, not only are they not in it, it was completely covered.

[2420] I'm sure some local people were aware of its existence because when you stand, you walk around on there, and all of a sudden you're like, what is this?

[2421] Well, dig a little.

[2422] Oh, it's a giant, perfectly hewn rock that's four feet wide and two feet tall.

[2423] Well, obviously, this didn't just happen.

[2424] Somebody made this.

[2425] Who made this?

[2426] It looks like a mountain.

[2427] They just didn't know that this mountain.

[2428] They say that there's thousands of these that they haven't discovered, which is so mind -boggling until you look at the geography of South America.

[2429] Or Google Maps.

[2430] Yeah, Google Maps.

[2431] But if you take into account the size of North America, South America, look at Mexico, look at how much land you're talking about and how much of it is jungle.

[2432] There was a documentary that I was watching.

[2433] on the Amazon, where they were talking about all these different structures that they're finding in the jungles of civilization that they have no idea how this civilization got there, don't know who they were, don't know what their origins were, but they're looking at aqueducts, they're looking at roads, they're looking at all this shit that's just run over by the jungle.

[2434] And the reality is, man, if you have a fucking house and you put this giant stone house in the middle of the Amazon, 100 years from now, that motherfucker is going to be covered with trees.

[2435] Yeah, man. There's a documentary on Netflix.

[2436] It'll reclaim it.

[2437] There's a documentary on Netflix you can watch.

[2438] Now I can't remember the name of it, but I'm taking these fucking...

[2439] Alpha brain pills.

[2440] You're taking them backwards, dude.

[2441] I'll Google it.

[2442] Tell me what is it about.

[2443] So what it's about is this, yeah, it's an explorer who was searching for this famed lost city that existed in the middle of the Amazon.

[2444] It might be that pyramid that they found.

[2445] He was looking for it based on like some old scrolls in this like library that he found.

[2446] And he was like a theosophist because the theosophists were really into this idea that there still existed advanced civilizations on this planet that had closed themselves.

[2447] This is Save the Secrets of the Dead, Lost Amazon.

[2448] A PBS documentary that's on Netflix called The Secrets of the Dead.

[2449] Set out to find the fabled Lost City of Z. That's it.

[2450] Yeah.

[2451] And the Amazon in 1925 led to a mysterious disappearance.

[2452] It's actually a movie.

[2453] It's a drama.

[2454] There's a documentary, too.

[2455] Oh, no, it is a documentary.

[2456] I'm sorry.

[2457] Liev Schreiber is apparently the...

[2458] I looked at that author, or that actor.

[2459] I assumed that he was an actor.

[2460] He's actually the narrator of it.

[2461] Yeah.

[2462] But it was like a big news story because he was a famous explorer that vanished.

[2463] And it was weird that he would have vanished.

[2464] I'm going to watch that shit tonight.

[2465] It's really fucking cool, man. But he thought that there would actually be people living there who would give him...

[2466] It was a mystical quest for him.

[2467] He really thought that there was going to be this advanced civilization still in existence.

[2468] that was somehow going to transmit this information to him, which some people still believe.

[2469] There's the hollow earth theory, the idea that Shambhala exists in the Arctic.

[2470] Have you ever seen that shit?

[2471] No. You've never seen in the North Pole the idea?

[2472] Hold on a second.

[2473] The Secrets of the Dead, apparently it's a whole series.

[2474] Oh, no shit.

[2475] There's a bunch of them, and they're available online.

[2476] Secrets of the Dead, China's Terracotta Warrior.

[2477] You know what that is?

[2478] When they found this army of terracotta soldiers buried for thousands of years, or however fucking long it was.

[2479] Secrets of the Dead, Herculaneum Uncovered.

[2480] I don't know what that is.

[2481] Secrets of the Dead, Silver Pharaoh.

[2482] Secrets of the Dead, World's Biggest Bomb.

[2483] Secrets of the Dead, The Dead Sea Scrolls.

[2484] One star on Amazon .com.

[2485] Really?

[2486] It can't be too good.

[2487] How do you give one star?

[2488] I don't know.

[2489] Churchill's Deadly Decision has got four stars.

[2490] Maybe that movie has the same commercial.

[2491] So Lost in the Amazon only has two stars.

[2492] That wasn't the best.

[2493] Well, you know what, man?

[2494] Who knows?

[2495] One customer review.

[2496] Maybe you got one cunt who reviewed it and didn't like it.

[2497] But anyway, the point is that this discovery in Guatemala, I believe they discovered it in 2009.

[2498] And it's just sort of being publicized today.

[2499] And it made its way through Twitter.

[2500] But somebody sent to me on Twitter when I retweeted it or whatever the hell happened.

[2501] He said, this is from 2009.

[2502] I'm like.

[2503] He's like, this old shit.

[2504] The guy said this old shit.

[2505] I'm like, oh my God, that's 24 months ago.

[2506] We're talking about some shit that's been buried without human beings ever finding it for fucking thousands of years.

[2507] No one knew it was there.

[2508] The unedited Mayan creation story.

[2509] Do they still have She Stole My Voice on Netflix?

[2510] Not to change the subject.

[2511] What is that?

[2512] It's a documentary about lesbian rape.

[2513] I recommend Grand Canyon.

[2514] What?

[2515] It's like lesbians raping each other.

[2516] Oh, no way.

[2517] Yeah, they like...

[2518] Lesbians rape each other?

[2519] Will they just fucking force scissors on each other?

[2520] Yeah.

[2521] The idea is that you mount someone's face and face...

[2522] This is not on Netflix, bro.

[2523] They took it off.

[2524] Oh, it's...

[2525] Did you find it?

[2526] No, it's not on the IMDb.

[2527] She stole my voice on Netflix.

[2528] I was talking to Duncan in the car on the way here.

[2529] I watched Grand Canyon recently.

[2530] Do you remember Grand Canyon?

[2531] Yeah, we talked about this.

[2532] Yeah, it's weird how time has passed since that movie came out and how we don't buy it anymore.

[2533] We're way more intelligent than 1993 or whenever that movie came out.

[2534] Because that movie, in the first hour...

[2535] 15 things happened in one day almost to all these same people.

[2536] Weren't they unconnected, though?

[2537] There were a bunch of different things that happened and people didn't even know each other.

[2538] Kind of, but yet there was also like, all right, the husband almost got mugged and his card got stolen.

[2539] And then the next morning, his wife is walking and found a baby in a bush.

[2540] And then his secretary.

[2541] Are they connected, though?

[2542] Or are they just running away?

[2543] Yeah, but it's all crazy shit happening in one day.

[2544] It's so ridiculous.

[2545] Now you kind of watch and you're like, this seems pretty extreme for one day.

[2546] Yeah, this Lesbian Rafe movie gets terrible reviews.

[2547] Oh, it's terrible.

[2548] A horrible documentary.

[2549] I wish I could have known there were reviews of this movie before I purchased it.

[2550] No, it's really so funny.

[2551] It's the worst documentary you'll ever see because really all it is is like a porn that somebody wanted to call a documentary because it's like reenactments.

[2552] The girl's like, no. Stop.

[2553] Stop.

[2554] It's like just all these reenactments of lesbians face sitting.

[2555] It's just reenactments of some lesbian sitting on another woman's face who's like, no, no, I can't get you off.

[2556] Is that how lesbians rape each other?

[2557] Well, I guess so, man. Exactly how it is.

[2558] Really?

[2559] Yeah, he's dead on.

[2560] It's weird.

[2561] It's freaky that you know how to do it so well.

[2562] Wait a minute.

[2563] Do you know about this for real?

[2564] He doesn't.

[2565] Brian knows about that.

[2566] What do you think happens more?

[2567] He studied it in school.

[2568] What do you think happens more?

[2569] Ready?

[2570] Lesbian rape or Chinese NASCAR drivers?

[2571] Chinese NASCAR.

[2572] I'm not kidding.

[2573] I'm not kidding in that one.

[2574] Imagine being a fucking Chinese dude who just really loves cars and you get in a NASCAR and you have to hang out with those assholes.

[2575] Like, hey man, you want to whoop us up some Chinese food before the next lap?

[2576] Yee -haw!

[2577] I'm about to drive fast!

[2578] I see the circle.

[2579] Oh, you know who wants to come on the podcast?

[2580] I totally forgot about this.

[2581] Dr. Ken. Dr. Ken?

[2582] That's cool.

[2583] He's great.

[2584] Really?

[2585] From Zookeeper?

[2586] He was talking.

[2587] The Hangover?

[2588] Yeah, he saw Joey Diaz the other day, and he wants to come on.

[2589] He's hilarious.

[2590] Jim Norton's in town right now.

[2591] He is?

[2592] Well, Duncan and I are only in town for a couple days, son.

[2593] That's right.

[2594] Because we've got to get ourselves over to New Orleans.

[2595] New Orleans.

[2596] We're going to do the House of Blues this fucking Friday night, and then it's sold out.

[2597] Bitches, sorry!

[2598] You snooze!

[2599] I can't wait.

[2600] But we're also going to be at the UFC.

[2601] Ellen Berger versus Jake Shields this Saturday, which is going to be sick.

[2602] What a last...

[2603] Any reports on Jake?

[2604] Well, you know, for people who don't know, Jake Shields' dad died.

[2605] And he died just a couple of weeks ago.

[2606] And Jake, his dad was his manager.

[2607] And his dad is, like, super -duper close to him.

[2608] And, you know, they grew up where his dad homeschooled him in the mountains.

[2609] So, I mean, everybody's relationship to their father except mine, because I don't know that douche.

[2610] Everybody's relationship is close.

[2611] Not everybody's, but a lot of people's.

[2612] Jake Shields was particularly close to his dad.

[2613] So for him to fight just a couple of weeks after his dad died is devastating.

[2614] His dad was pretty healthy.

[2615] His dad died in his sleep.

[2616] His dad was a vegetarian.

[2617] Jake is a vegetarian.

[2618] Jake grew up vegetarian.

[2619] He only gets his animal protein from eggs.

[2620] You know, he just believes that factory farming is fucked up.

[2621] And he would actually eat food, animal food, as long as it was hunted.

[2622] You know, like hunted food is like okay.

[2623] Isn't that crazy for you?

[2624] Like Kevin Smith was saying the other day, how like, just like that, everything can fucking change.

[2625] You know, you could wake up and then have a stroke.

[2626] Yeah.

[2627] And never walk again.

[2628] We have to somehow or another balance the idea of ambition and...

[2629] planning for the future with enjoying the present.

[2630] And that's the grand dance that everybody has to go through.

[2631] It's so difficult to master.

[2632] And I still don't have it down.

[2633] I don't think anyone ever has it down, but I'm way better at it now than I ever was when I was younger.

[2634] I'm way better at it.

[2635] And I can offer some insight.

[2636] And here's the number one piece of insight that I can offer.

[2637] Be reckless.

[2638] I'm reckless.

[2639] I'm a little bit reckless.

[2640] But I'm also really nice.

[2641] I try to be as nice as I can.

[2642] And people say, oh, I met Joe Rogan.

[2643] He's a dick.

[2644] I guarantee you're a dick to me first.

[2645] For sure.

[2646] And you might have been a dick because you were nervous.

[2647] Or you might have been a dick because you were drunk.

[2648] But if you're nice to me, I can't be not nice to you.

[2649] It is impossible.

[2650] I grew up.

[2651] I've been a nice person as long as I've been capable of being a nice person.

[2652] Don't wear a condom.

[2653] Don't wear a condom?

[2654] What are you saying?

[2655] I'm just saying do everything exactly opposite what you're told to do.

[2656] Well, I don't know if that's the truth.

[2657] I don't know if that's the case.

[2658] It's like you have to, because when you start talking about sex, okay, and you say don't wear a condom, you know, sex to me is just like doing drugs.

[2659] It's natural.

[2660] It's fun.

[2661] Yes, it is natural.

[2662] It's fun.

[2663] You can get caught up in it and you can get fucking crazy.

[2664] Yeah.

[2665] And it has just as much of a pull as any other kind of crazy psychological addiction, whether it's gambling or anything like that.

[2666] But Brian, you don't really mean don't wear a condom.

[2667] Yeah, I do.

[2668] It feels good.

[2669] It feels way better to not wear a condom.

[2670] You wear a condom for the first month or two and then you figure out the girl enough to decide if you want to or not.

[2671] You need an abortion in your life to appreciate how things can go wrong.

[2672] It makes you get together closer.

[2673] Let me tell you.

[2674] Can I tell you a little horror story?

[2675] I'll tell you a little.

[2676] I'll tell you a horror story.

[2677] I would love to hear it.

[2678] There's someone that I know.

[2679] There's someone that I know who got a waitress pregnant.

[2680] A waitress?

[2681] Where did she work?

[2682] Why can't she just be a girl, man?

[2683] Why did you have to make her a waitress?

[2684] Because he was a bartender or something.

[2685] I don't know.

[2686] Because they both worked at the same place.

[2687] So they worked together at this place.

[2688] I'm just going reverse sexism on you.

[2689] I don't know why I said it.

[2690] I don't mean to label people.

[2691] I'm so sorry.

[2692] Stop lesbian rape.

[2693] So they ended up...

[2694] He ended up putting his pee -pee inside of her, and guess what happened?

[2695] She got pregnant.

[2696] He should have kept the cell phone in his pocket.

[2697] Yeah, he should have.

[2698] And guess what?

[2699] She doesn't want a fucking abortion.

[2700] That's awesome.

[2701] Congratulations.

[2702] This is a one -night stand.

[2703] Now he's a daddy, but it's with someone that he just fucked one night.

[2704] It's like now he's legally bound for the rest of his life to this.

[2705] To his kid.

[2706] He didn't wait the two month rule.

[2707] You gotta wear a fucking condom.

[2708] You're crazy if you don't wear a condom.

[2709] For two months.

[2710] Yeah, but you also gotta fuck people that you like.

[2711] Yeah.

[2712] It's hard to say because you want to fuck anybody who's willing to give up the pussy at a certain point in time.

[2713] Pussy is like water and you're living in a desert.

[2714] Where can I get it?

[2715] Where's the water?

[2716] It's only until you live by a fucking stream and you can drink water every day can you see the forest for the trees.

[2717] Because otherwise, your entire waking life is dedicated to getting this resource that is fucking water.

[2718] Or pussy.

[2719] Either one.

[2720] They're interchangeable.

[2721] And when they're plentiful, then you can see them for what they do.

[2722] truly are you know and you know it doesn't necessarily mean that you have to get spoiled doesn't necessarily mean that you have to get that you know you don't appreciate it you should totally appreciate every single one of the biological pleasures of existence one of the reasons why I'm a huge fan of Anthony Bourdain is because he calls himself an enthusiast but he is a chef and he enjoys he like really shows how much joy you can get in eating great food during the whole podcast and I think that the feeling of taste and the feeling of pleasure and the feeling of friendship i like drinking wine i like smoking weed i like going to i like seeing fun movies i like listening to great music you know i like being i like being inundated by great feeling shit you know i think that's it's important to wrap our heads around that well i mean if you can like accept it it's just like that you there's a you know me and my friend were just talking about this uh Sartre, this French existentialist philosopher, existentialists basically have this idea where it's like, yeah, you can fucking enjoy reality and get caught up in being an enthusiast or whatever, but the depths of it, it's just pure absurdity.

[2723] There's no meaning behind it.

[2724] There's no meaning to life.

[2725] It's just this empty, meaningless vortex.

[2726] For example, when you see your dog dry hump another dog, you see the dog dry hump and you kind of watch it.

[2727] It's kind of funny.

[2728] But it's like you're watching an instinctual trigger go through the thing and it just acts this thing out.

[2729] And then when you find yourself humping somebody that you just met and you realize you're going through the same instinctual trigger and you're like, ah, fuck, I'm doing the same thing.

[2730] It's the same thing.

[2731] No meaning to this.

[2732] No meaning.

[2733] This is just a – I've triggered a series of responses in my – primate brain that is wanting to reproduce.

[2734] Once I come, I'm going to go right back into this state.

[2735] And that's absurdity.

[2736] That's a form of absurdity.

[2737] I got an answer, a question for you, Brian, because...

[2738] We're trying to figure out how to rephrase it.

[2739] It's so funny you just said that because I just thought of something the other day.

[2740] You ever scratch a cat's butt and they do that thing where they're just like...

[2741] You ever fucked a girl and seen her do the exact same thing?

[2742] It's creepy.

[2743] It's almost exactly the same.

[2744] It's because they turn into a machine.

[2745] You're not fucking them hard enough.

[2746] You've got to fuck them to the point where they're nervous.

[2747] I think their body's freaking out.

[2748] I think their body's short -circuiting.

[2749] I think that's what it is.

[2750] Not the way I fuck them.

[2751] Nervous?

[2752] The way I fuck them, they get nervous.

[2753] Like before an audition?

[2754] What are they nervous about?

[2755] I'm on top of them.

[2756] And that's a lot of pressure, son.

[2757] That's 185 pounds of alpha just shooting loads into your body.

[2758] Making grunts.

[2759] No, listen.

[2760] Don't make anybody nervous.

[2761] Imagine a girl on top of you that's way bigger than you.

[2762] And while she's fucking you, she just starts fucking hitting you.

[2763] You fucking bitch.

[2764] You think you can fuck me?

[2765] Can you imagine being in a situation where your girl can kick your ass?

[2766] Have you ever been there?

[2767] Like Bourdain's?

[2768] I don't think so.

[2769] Well, I don't think Bourdain's wife can kick his ass.

[2770] He's still a man. Anybody on enough adrenaline?

[2771] Anthony Bourdain been around the world.

[2772] I guarantee you, he probably has no endurance, but...

[2773] He knows how to throw a straight, right?

[2774] Charity boxing match.

[2775] If you have a hammer in your house and you sleep next to somebody, they can kick your ass no matter who they are.

[2776] What?

[2777] They can slam the hammer into your fucking face while you're sleeping.

[2778] Yeah, if they catch you off guard.

[2779] Yeah, they can catch you off guard.

[2780] Right.

[2781] No doubt.

[2782] This video is online of girls sucker punching guys and knocking them unconscious.

[2783] There's a bunch of them.

[2784] I mean, it's hilarious.

[2785] What's that?

[2786] They sucker punch a guy.

[2787] You know what a sucker punch is?

[2788] Yeah, I know what a sucker punch is.

[2789] There's a lot of videos of girls sucker punching guys online.

[2790] Why?

[2791] It's a great fetish.

[2792] Listen, man, there's a fucking wide world out there.

[2793] A lot of fucking things happen.

[2794] A lot of cross streets.

[2795] A lot of one thing intersects with this thing when it wasn't prepared.

[2796] It's a fetish.

[2797] And next thing you know, a fucking coked up girl punches a drunk guy in the jaw and knocks him unconscious.

[2798] It happens all over the world.

[2799] I just somehow miss these videos.

[2800] It's like MMA spanking.

[2801] There was a girl that used to work for a buddy of mine.

[2802] She was my friend's assistant.

[2803] And she could punch so fucking hard.

[2804] She was nice.

[2805] I mean, she wouldn't have ever punched anybody.

[2806] But she was like, I could punch hard.

[2807] And I was like, all right, whatever.

[2808] Fucking do commentary for the UFC.

[2809] You can punch hard.

[2810] There's some people, man. There's some people that, for whatever fucking reason, they got this crazy Tommy Hearns punch.

[2811] It's a weird thing, man, because I've experienced this since I was a child, since I first started doing martial arts.

[2812] Every now and then, you'll come across some guy who can just...

[2813] He hits so fucking hard.

[2814] You're like, where is that coming from?

[2815] He's 160 pounds.

[2816] It doesn't even make sense.

[2817] But when he hits the bag, the bag just moves more than anybody else.

[2818] There was this fucking chick, and she was a regular girl.

[2819] She was like 23 years old.

[2820] She was my friend's assistant.

[2821] And she was like, I can punch.

[2822] I can punch.

[2823] Okay.

[2824] She's like, put your hand up.

[2825] I put my hand up.

[2826] She goes.

[2827] She hit me and I thought about my face.

[2828] She hit my hand and my hand was stinging.

[2829] Fuck.

[2830] And she turned her shoulder into it and threw her fucking weight into it.

[2831] And she went two knuckles for it.

[2832] I go, who the fuck taught you how to punch like that?

[2833] Like her dad taught her how to punch people and shit.

[2834] But I was like, man, if that chick punches you in the face, she will knock you the fuck out.

[2835] If you're not ready for it, it only takes a certain amount of pressure.

[2836] to hit your jaw a certain way, your legs just go.

[2837] I've seen it.

[2838] I've seen it in person.

[2839] I've seen it in fights.

[2840] I've seen it in bars.

[2841] I've seen it all my life.

[2842] It's a weird phenomenon.

[2843] If you don't expect it...

[2844] Why is it the jaw?

[2845] Why the jaw?

[2846] What is in that...

[2847] Design flaw.

[2848] It's a design flaw?

[2849] Design flaw.

[2850] Complete design flaw.

[2851] It's like a power -off button.

[2852] Well, this is what it is.

[2853] Your brain is this fucking central core of information, of movement, of everything.

[2854] All the design, all the direction, shouldn't come from this spot.

[2855] Well, what your body is is like a fucking house that has a bunch of Ethernet cables in it.

[2856] And you want to get Internet to your toes.

[2857] Well, you've got to run lines.

[2858] You've got to run nerves through your whole situation.

[2859] Well, you also have this thing where you have to chew food to supply the body.

[2860] So, well, how do we do this?

[2861] Well, we've got to have something that moves.

[2862] We're going to have something that moves and it's going to be hard and bony and it's going to be right in front of all the cords.

[2863] Right.

[2864] We have no choice.

[2865] That's the design.

[2866] We just got to hope that the human doesn't get hit on the jawbone and it doesn't compress all those nerves that send the signals down to all the limbs because if it does, everything shuts off.

[2867] It's right here, right?

[2868] Yeah.

[2869] They call that the jaw.

[2870] No, no, no. It's the actual jaw itself.

[2871] Is that what they call the button?

[2872] Yes.

[2873] What I call the button is the movement of the jaw.

[2874] I caught the apples.

[2875] The jaw presses into the cord.

[2876] Well, I don't listen when I say presses into the cord.

[2877] What the fuck do I know is inside my neck?

[2878] It could be all elves and shit.

[2879] It could be all sparkly fairy dust that comes out when you cut my throat.

[2880] I'm just guessing.

[2881] But the idea that I've had to explain to me is that the...

[2882] nerves when you punch a person on the jaw that their jawbone slams into the cluster of nerves behind them and it just causes this big electrical short circuit depending on a bunch of different things depending on your determination depending on your anger your adrenaline level how your focus whether or not you saw this coming whether or not you've been punched before you know how to react to it or how to stay calm under pressure and depending on the physiological the physiological design of your actual frame Different body structures can take a different load of impact, you know, like large jaws and big David Tua -looking faces.

[2883] There was a guy named David Tua who still is a very dangerous heavyweight boxer.

[2884] He's just a Samoan dude, Tonga dude, whatever the fuck he is.

[2885] Anyways, whatever he is, I believe he's Samoan.

[2886] He's a badass boxer.

[2887] And one of the things about him is this motherfucker can take a punch, man. You can hit David Tua with a bomb.

[2888] He fought Lennox Lewis, and Lennox Lewis connected with straight right hands.

[2889] would have put normal men on the moon and just, boom, hits him, and he can take it.

[2890] He just doesn't go out.

[2891] He's got an incredible jaw on top of big, big punching power.

[2892] So there's that.

[2893] There's the shape of your frame, the shape of your body, the thickness of your tendons and cords, and then there's just the fucking design flaw.

[2894] The jaw goes to the cluster of nerves, and depending on your sensitivity, some people just shut right off.

[2895] There's some dudes that they just have a glass jaw, man. and all you have to do is get to their jaw.

[2896] And there's nothing a guy can do to strengthen it.

[2897] I mean, they get toughened it up a little bit.

[2898] There's exercises dudes do where they fucking lift weights with their jaws.

[2899] They pull cords with their jaws.

[2900] They suck a lot of cock.

[2901] Jesus.

[2902] They try to suck lion cock.

[2903] They just hold them down.

[2904] What?

[2905] Mr. Hands.

[2906] Quick.

[2907] There's things that I've seen guys do.

[2908] Jerry Cooney was doing it once in this video I watched, the first time I ever saw it, where he had almost like a bungee cord and all this tape.

[2909] inside his jaw, and he's biting it, and he's chewing, and he's fucking pulling with his jaw, trying to strengthen this whole setup so he doesn't get knocked unconscious.

[2910] It's so embarrassing.

[2911] Why is that embarrassing?

[2912] It's fascinating.

[2913] It's fucking embarrassing.

[2914] Why is it embarrassing?

[2915] You know what's embarrassing?

[2916] Because you never beat the fuck out of a dude in a cage.

[2917] No, I don't mean that.

[2918] No, look, look.

[2919] Take that shot.

[2920] Come back with a counter hook.

[2921] Boom, he drops.

[2922] The crowd goes nuts.

[2923] No, it's amazing.

[2924] I think that's really cool to watch, and I fucking love it.

[2925] But I just think that when you get into a situation...

[2926] Where you have a bungee cord hanging out of your mouth, and you're lifting weights with your jaw, it's embarrassing.

[2927] It's like that moment in time, if I was doing that, if I'm like, gotta get my fucking jaw stronger!

[2928] I'd be like, dude, why don't you fucking pick up a history book?

[2929] It's time to look at a globe.

[2930] Oh, I gotta get this jaw!

[2931] You're right, and you're not at the same time.

[2932] And here's why you're right.

[2933] You're right because you see where this is all going.

[2934] You see the falling away of the archaic models.

[2935] ridiculous nature of clinging to our monkey genetics but we are we are trapped in this age and we have about 80 years to have a good fucking time and one of the things to have a good time you know you got that right is one of my favorite songs ever leonard skinner song i like to drink and dance all night There's nothing wrong with that.

[2936] There's nothing wrong with liking a drink and dance all night.

[2937] There's nothing wrong with going to fights.

[2938] These guys agreed to do this.

[2939] Let them do it.

[2940] They're going to do it.

[2941] They want to do it.

[2942] I used to do it.

[2943] They're going to do it.

[2944] There's nothing wrong with that.

[2945] Go.

[2946] Go.

[2947] Enjoy it.

[2948] Oh, man. I feel really bad about porn and porn exploits women.

[2949] Well, guess what?

[2950] There's 100 million gigabytes on the internet.

[2951] Tsunami of porn.

[2952] You're not going to go back in time and keep those girls from being...

[2953] Fingered by their uncle You're not going to do it I've tried, yes.

[2954] And if you can jerk off to that, you will feel better.

[2955] No, enjoy it.

[2956] By the way, if you see a kid playing with dolls and you go up to the kid and you're like, you know those dolls aren't real and what you're doing is totally meaningless, you're kind of an asshole.

[2957] The kid's lucky it's getting to play with dolls.

[2958] The kid's fucking lucky that the kid can get fixated on dolls.

[2959] That he can wear a fucking towel around his neck and pretend he's a superhero and run around his backyard with a cardboard sword.

[2960] Lucky.

[2961] He's lucky.

[2962] Lucky.

[2963] So in the same way, when adults are doing the identical thing and taking on these silly identities and strengthening their jaws, and they're absorbed and their attention is focused onto whatever the fucking thing is, whether it's Leonard Skinner's drunken night of line dancing or somebody punching his fist through a fucking wall or someone climbing a mountain or whatever, if that's grabbing your attention, lucky you.

[2964] Don't stop it.

[2965] Go for it.

[2966] You're being distracted from the void for a little while.

[2967] Congratulations.

[2968] Fuck you.

[2969] But once that shit stops distracting you, if you continue on that path and pretend that it still is distracting you from the void, that's where shit gets weird.

[2970] Maybe.

[2971] Maybe you get to a certain point where you realize, what difference does it make?

[2972] What difference does it make what my understanding of this situation is?

[2973] What difference does it make my acceptance of the void if I am but a temporary creature?

[2974] And should I not just enjoy this time and spread as much positive energy as possible and contribute my part in a true and clear understanding that I cannot fix all things, but that is my obligation to enjoy this moment and to have as much positive feeling as possible?

[2975] possible the most spread as much positive feeling as possible that is my instinct that is my drive when i'm in the isolation tank and i'm alone and i'm i'm when i'm at my most happiest when i'm thinking about things you know what i think i think i have a rare opportunity to spread as much positive energy as possible and i think that is what is most important that is that is my instinctual pull that's what's pulling me what's pulling me is i feel like i got this weird crazy opportunity we have this weird crazy opportunity right now there's at least a half a million people listening to this.

[2976] Over the course of iTunes and Stitcher and Ustream, it's more than that.

[2977] It's going to be even more than that over the course of a couple of years.

[2978] Because this shit is going to be spread and spread and spread.

[2979] And some of these ideas are going to resonate with people because you are ahead of a lot of other people in this weird game of thinking.

[2980] There's people out there that right now are listening to this podcast and they are 19 years old and they've never considered any of the ideas that Duncan Trussell is presenting to them.

[2981] And the idea that if human civilization and ideas and all these things could be literally alien life forms trying to manifest themselves in a conscious way on this plane and that's how they interact with people there's a lot of people right now 17 16 15 sitting with their friends getting their fucking mind blown by you dude and you don't think about it because you're just being you but that impact is serious and legitimate yeah that's a cool and that impacts you love it well of course and also well it's fun to uh What you're saying is exactly the thing that I'm obsessed with is whatever that is, transmitting.

[2982] Anytime you can help someone be happy or connect with something, it's awesome.

[2983] Hey, do you think the Dalai Lama on Twitter is real?

[2984] I don't know.

[2985] If he is, he's a dumbass.

[2986] Bad tweets.

[2987] What?

[2988] I fucking love it.

[2989] Bad tweets.

[2990] What are you talking about?

[2991] He's a goof.

[2992] That's the most positive shit he ever...

[2993] He writes positive shit every day.

[2994] Yeah, he does.

[2995] He does.

[2996] He also writes a bunch of fucking pacifist bullshit.

[2997] Wise people serve others, putting the needs of others above their own.

[2998] The ultimate result will be that you find more happiness.

[2999] He's got someone...

[3000] That sounds like a song written by a dude who's trying to fuck a girl.

[3001] Dude, if you're on a canoe, if you're on a canoe...

[3002] You're amazing.

[3003] He's got someone tweeting for us.

[3004] You think that's what it is?

[3005] It's not verified.

[3006] Of course, Twitter doesn't verify anymore.

[3007] I don't know if you guys know that.

[3008] Twitter stopped verifying.

[3009] Oh, well, I'm verified.

[3010] Son, grandfathered bitches.

[3011] You have a collector's edition Twitter that you can sell before it goes MySpace.

[3012] Special interest.

[3013] Sell right now.

[3014] Yeah, man, but to get back to that idea that we were just talking about, when you find yourself successfully getting fixated on shit, like successfully getting into something, the last thing you should do is stop it.

[3015] It's kind of sad when you see people who really enjoy something and out of some sense of guilt, they're trying to stop themselves from doing it.

[3016] But like...

[3017] Like addicts, they keep doing stuff even though they're clearly aware that it's not satiating them anymore.

[3018] They're just doing out of habit.

[3019] Well, you've been addicted to things.

[3020] Fuck yeah.

[3021] I have an addictive personality, so I know exactly what it's like to have the focus of my mind sucked away by something for me to consciously think.

[3022] I don't want to do this anymore.

[3023] This conversation, this idea is directly connected to what we were talking about earlier, about hijacking the reward system, about something that is artificial, and artificial in its power, in its potency, the idea of a fucking oxycontin pill.

[3024] That shit is artificial.

[3025] Something's not supposed to impact you that strong.

[3026] A fucking...

[3027] Avatar.

[3028] Avatar in 3D.

[3029] If you were a caveman, your DNA is basically the same DNA as people that lived 10 ,000 years ago drawing fucking stupid buffaloes on the cave walls while we're living by the light of a fire.

[3030] I mean, it's impossible to wrap your fucking head around the kind of impact that's having on the organism.

[3031] Yeah, well, it's all a magnification of the four basic drives.

[3032] Eating, sleeping, mating, and defending.

[3033] Those are the things that drive all, probably most organic forms of life.

[3034] I don't know about amoebas and shit.

[3035] And, but, and love.

[3036] And look, you know, it sounds gay as fuck, but we could say it because we're drunk.

[3037] The reason why this podcast works, the reason why, you know, we all can do this over and over and over again is because we love each other.

[3038] We're all passing notes underneath the table to each other.

[3039] We're playing footsie.

[3040] Think of how freaked out everyone would be if we all were playing.

[3041] How about if we only did this podcast holding hands and with our sweaty feet touching each other?

[3042] You know what would be cool if we all played Superman with each other afterwards?

[3043] That's what it turned into.

[3044] But the reason why we can have this conversation and be so fucking crazy with our ideas is you know I'm not going to judge you.

[3045] The judgment between you and me is already done.

[3046] It's over.

[3047] We know each other.

[3048] We know each other literally inside and out.

[3049] I know your weirdest fucking thing.

[3050] You lived with me. We lived together.

[3051] And Brian and I have known each other for almost a decade.

[3052] We know each other inside and out.

[3053] Brian and I have cried together.

[3054] It's gay as that sounds.

[3055] We've cried together.

[3056] He's my friend.

[3057] We've known each other forever.

[3058] that because we know each other so well and we know we're both looking out we're all three looking out for each other rather we we can say anything and then we can say anything but what we're doing is we're saying anything and somehow or another Way more people than we're ever going to meet ever in our fucking life are listening all at once.

[3059] Yeah, it's crazy.

[3060] And that's where things get squirrely.

[3061] And that's where things get, you know, when we sit and we contemplate like, you know, what is consciousness?

[3062] What is reality?

[3063] What are ideas?

[3064] What is imagination?

[3065] Where does it go?

[3066] Why is it going?

[3067] Why is it going through you?

[3068] Why is it going through me?

[3069] Why are we so looking forward to going to New Orleans where this weekend you and I are going to go to the House of Blues, the sold out show, and we're going to perform for, we don't know those people.

[3070] I'll probably know 10 people.

[3071] in the audience.

[3072] There'll be a bunch of people from the UFC that'll ask for tickets.

[3073] I'll hook them up.

[3074] There'll be 20, 30 people and it's you and me and we're going to have the greatest fucking time ever.

[3075] Yeah, it's going to be incredible.

[3076] Why?

[3077] Because you've been putting that thing out your whole life.

[3078] And I've been putting that thing out my whole life.

[3079] You would cry if you found out it was a guy also.

[3080] What guy?

[3081] When we cried together.

[3082] This fucking podcast is over.

[3083] Brian gets the line of the night.

[3084] If you want to get in touch with Duncan, you can follow him on Twitter.

[3085] And now he's obligated to respond to all of your messages because he told you that all you had to do was call him about the fucking expensive podcast.

[3086] I didn't say call.

[3087] It searches video with Tim and Eric.

[3088] I don't think we've ever talked about it on this podcast.

[3089] Have we talked about it?

[3090] No. He has the surfing video, the body surfing.

[3091] Body Boy's Legend of the Pipers.

[3092] It's one of the best videos.

[3093] I laughed my ass off.

[3094] Yeah, it's pretty great.

[3095] It's something I did with Tim and Eric for HBO's Funny or Die.

[3096] Is that it?

[3097] No. It's something I did for Tim and Eric for HBO's Funny or Die, and it's basically a takeoff on those skateboarding videos, but it's about we play these idiots who learn to body surf, but mainly it's just about us all fucking this one dude on the beach.

[3098] It's so crazy.

[3099] It's one of the best things I have seen in a while.

[3100] You fucked a dude on a beach?

[3101] A beach whore.

[3102] That's why I thought of it.

[3103] You kissed another guy.

[3104] What was it like to kiss another guy?

[3105] It was amazing.

[3106] What?

[3107] You kissed another guy for real?

[3108] Well, I mean, I believe it was on the cheek.

[3109] Was it?

[3110] I don't remember.

[3111] I thought it was on the dick.

[3112] You know I love you, bro.

[3113] I'm just kidding.

[3114] It's a very funny video.

[3115] What are the dates, man?

[3116] What's still available?

[3117] This weekend is totally sold out.

[3118] We have tomorrow, by the way.

[3119] Yes.

[3120] Tomorrow at a nowhere show.

[3121] We're doing it at the Ice House.

[3122] We should talk about this real quick.

[3123] We are all of us.

[3124] Last weekend, we did the comedy.

[3125] There's two rooms at the Ice House in Pasadena, which is one of my favorite clubs in the country.

[3126] It's been around for about 30 plus years.

[3127] I think 35 years.

[3128] It's not just a comedy club.

[3129] It's a goddamn museum.

[3130] It's like the Comedy and Magic Club in Hermosa.

[3131] It's one of those clubs that's been around forever.

[3132] And it's got all this really amazing history on the walls.

[3133] And it's a really cool fucking club.

[3134] And there's two rooms.

[3135] There's the big showroom.

[3136] I say big in quotes.

[3137] It's 185 seats.

[3138] very small it's very intimate but then there's this other room it's like 85 seats and uh you know brian and i you know at all com you've you've talked about it we've talked about it before about like what's the perfect size of a comedy club i don't know i mean This weekend, we're going to do somewhere around 700 people at the House of Blues, which is like a medium.

[3139] And then there's the really small places where it's like the Ice House, which is like 85 people.

[3140] And then there's October 7th in Houston with Brendan Walsh and me and Joey Diaz.

[3141] We're going to do the Horizon Wireless Theater, which is like thousands of fucking people.

[3142] So it's all different sizes, but there's something magical about those little fucking rooms, man. And we did that little 85 -seat room at the Ice House this past weekend.

[3143] And Brian and I and Ari and Al Madrigal and Brendan Walsh, all of us, we got together and we talked about it.

[3144] I was like, this place is fucking great.

[3145] And then someone came up with the idea.

[3146] I don't know who it was.

[3147] I was like, imagine just renting out that room right there and doing a podcast after shows.

[3148] Okay, it's Brian.

[3149] Also, Brendan said, I know it was Brendan Walsh said, why not just do it right here, right in front of the door?

[3150] Which I don't know if that would work.

[3151] But it might work sometimes.

[3152] Can you imagine fans trying to do a podcast?

[3153] Yo, Rogan, come here.

[3154] Well, this is what I was thinking.

[3155] If we hired some Tate Fletcher looking dudes to fucking keep people away from you and fucking keep the peace.

[3156] But the energy of all those people, as long as they didn't interfere, the energy of all those people hanging out.

[3157] It's like when we did the live show with Jim Norton.

[3158] There was definitely a different feeling when you were trying to feel like you're entertaining people watching you.

[3159] It's good because here we're hanging out.

[3160] I did a live podcast.

[3161] It was great.

[3162] I did a live podcast at Laughing Skull on stage.

[3163] It was fucking awesome.

[3164] Well, that's a small club.

[3165] The one we did with Jen Norton is small, too.

[3166] We did it at Kevin Smith's place, which was only like 60 people, I think.

[3167] But my point is that we're going to do our idea for a podcast.

[3168] We kind of assimilated all our ideas together.

[3169] And the best idea seems to be, wherever we put it, it's the comics that are right about to go on stage or just got off stage.

[3170] And we're fucking smoking weed.

[3171] We're talking shit.

[3172] Just like this.

[3173] Just like this show.

[3174] It's cool.

[3175] We do it, you know, Brandon Walsh, John Heffron, John Reed.

[3176] Who the fuck, who the fuck is in town?

[3177] You know, anybody, Judah Friedlander texted me and said he wants to come on the show.

[3178] How about Judah Friedlander, you know, calls us on a Wednesday night and says, hey, I want to come to your fucking crazy podcast thing at the Ice House.

[3179] Boom, he comes out of the Ice House and we have this wild ass show with 85 people in that little room.

[3180] We do a free podcast.

[3181] We all have a good time.

[3182] Not deal with Hollywood bullshit.

[3183] Exactly.

[3184] Not deal with traffic.

[3185] Black wizards.

[3186] Black wizards and parking and nonsense.

[3187] Listen, you fucking get the gist.

[3188] This goddamn fucking show is over.

[3189] Hey, wait.

[3190] Can I tell people this show I'm doing?

[3191] No!

[3192] What the fuck are you doing?

[3193] What, man?

[3194] What?

[3195] Let me ask you this, man. Is this fucking 7 -1 podcast enough, man?

[3196] Come on, man. September 23rd, Joe Diaz, Ari Shafir, and I are at the Paramount Theater in Denver, Colorado.

[3197] Tickets are still available.

[3198] They're going quick.

[3199] There's not much left.

[3200] If you're interested in brain pills, go to Onnit .com, O -N -N -I -T .com.

[3201] If you want to see one of the best, most interesting, and fascinating stand -up comics in the country, and one of my best friends, go see Duncan Trussell at the Laughing Skull in Atlanta, Georgia.

[3202] And when is that?

[3203] That's at the end of this month, and I'll be in Seattle.

[3204] What is it?

[3205] What is the date?

[3206] It's the last week in this month.

[3207] It'll be on my website.

[3208] I don't even put it.

[3209] It just happened.

[3210] And that's DuncanTrussell .com, T -R -U -S -S.

[3211] Call the Laughing Skull in Atlanta.

[3212] And if it's the last weekend, it is either the 23rd or the 24th or the 30th and the 1st of October.

[3213] Duncan doesn't know?

[3214] It's the 20th.

[3215] It's got to be the 20th.

[3216] It's the last weekend of this month.

[3217] Okay.

[3218] Whatever that is.

[3219] But Friday is the 30th.

[3220] Oh, yeah.

[3221] That's it.

[3222] Okay, Friday the 30th?

[3223] Yeah, that's it.

[3224] Call them.

[3225] That's it.

[3226] So you're basically doing the weekend and Saturday night it'll be October 1st.

[3227] That's it, yeah.

[3228] That's it?

[3229] You sure?

[3230] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[3231] DuncanTrussell .com.

[3232] T -R -U -S -S -E -L -L.

[3233] Holla at your boy.

[3234] Thank you to The Fleshlight.

[3235] Go to JoeRogan .net.

[3236] Click on the link for The Fleshlight and enter in the code name ROGAN, and you will get 15 % off of this number one.

[3237] Did your girlfriend still hide yours or throw them away?

[3238] I need a new one, yes.

[3239] I got a new one.

[3240] I got a box of them.

[3241] Great.

[3242] I got a box of them.

[3243] He's selling them on YouTube.

[3244] Who loves you?

[3245] Who loves you like I do?

[3246] Next week, we were going to get as many people as we want.

[3247] I know that Jim Norton is in town.

[3248] Jim contacted me. We're going to try to get Jim in here, and we're going to try to do Judah Freelander, like I said.

[3249] We're going to do Max Kellerman.

[3250] We're going to get Liza in here, too, man. Liza Schlesinger, for sure.

[3251] She has a new show.

[3252] And for sure, Graham Hancock.

[3253] And that will most likely be the 23rd.

[3254] Not sure if we're going to do Ustream with that because it all depends on how good the wireless system is in the hotel we go to in Irvine.

[3255] They usually suck ass.

[3256] It does.

[3257] It sucks ass.

[3258] They suck hard.

[3259] Oh, the new Ustream lets me record to the computer, so we're good.

[3260] We just can't do it live, maybe, so we can upload the video on Vimeo.

[3261] We can't do it.

[3262] What?

[3263] What do you mean?

[3264] We can't do it live.

[3265] No, I mean, if we're at a hotel that the internet sucks, the new Ustream lets you record to your computer and then go back and upload it later.

[3266] What?

[3267] Yeah.

[3268] For real?

[3269] Yeah, for real.

[3270] So we can do private shows whenever we want to.

[3271] Is this some new shit?

[3272] Yeah, new shit.

[3273] When did this happen?

[3274] About a month ago.

[3275] And what is this Vimeo thing?

[3276] You got some shit up on Vimeo, son?

[3277] It's like YouTube.

[3278] Yeah, son.

[3279] Brad Hunstable.

[3280] Thanks a lot, buddy.

[3281] He's the fucking big maha over at...

[3282] The president and founder of Ustream.

[3283] And he puts our shit online.

[3284] And he and I have been going through.

[3285] He's a very good guy.

[3286] He listens to the podcast.

[3287] Yeah, good people Ustream.

[3288] And I like Stitcher.

[3289] Oh, I'm going to go on the Nerdist podcast too.

[3290] For sure.

[3291] I'm going to do that as well.

[3292] Chris Hardwick's a buddy.

[3293] And I ran into him at the airport recently.

[3294] And people said, you guys got in the best Twitter argument ever.

[3295] Because you solved it so civilly.

[3296] And everybody was so cool.

[3297] It wasn't really an argument.

[3298] I mean, he doesn't like the Stitcher thing.

[3299] And I understand his point.

[3300] And I like it.

[3301] Whatever.

[3302] I like Stitcher, too.

[3303] Duncan, anything else?

[3304] We all love Stitcher.

[3305] I love Stitcher.

[3306] Oh, I'm sorry.

[3307] The Lavender Hour.

[3308] You can get the Lavender Hour, which is Duncan and his lovely better half, Natasha Leggero.

[3309] New show's on tonight.

[3310] Also a fabulous stand -up comedian, as well.

[3311] Yeah, and her show, Free Agents, is on right now.

[3312] Probably it's on tonight, so watch it on NBC.

[3313] He missed the premiere to be.

[3314] Tune in.

[3315] And I'll be in Seattle next Thursday, too, if anyone's out there.

[3316] Yeah, in Seattle.

[3317] Chop Suey.

[3318] All right.

[3319] Duncan Trussell on Twitter.

[3320] Again, it's D -U -N -C -A -N -T -R -U -S -S -E -L -L.

[3321] Two S's, two L's.

[3322] In case you're worried, I can't stop talking.

[3323] I got verbal diarrhea.

[3324] This fucking show's over.

[3325] Bye.

[3326] You know we love you.

[3327] Just shut the fuck up.

[3328] Stop with your negative bullshit.

[3329] You know I love you.

[3330] All right.

[3331] Bye.

[3332] See you later.