Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend XX
[0] That's what makes this podcast unique is that we open with every guest says their name.
[1] Oh, yeah.
[2] This was something I insisted on.
[3] Hi, my name is Slim Shady.
[4] Has everyone done that one?
[5] They've done that, right?
[6] Slim Shady's probably been done.
[7] Hi, my name is Jim Gaff again.
[8] And I feel ecstatic about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.
[9] Fall is here, hear the yell.
[10] Back to school.
[11] Ring the bell.
[12] Brand new shoes.
[13] Walking blues.
[14] Climb the fence, books and pens.
[15] I can tell that we are going to be friends.
[16] I can tell that we are going to be friends.
[17] Hey there.
[18] Welcome to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend podcast that aims to please.
[19] It's a nice slogan.
[20] And pleases to aim.
[21] Sometimes you can reverse things and it's clever.
[22] That was one I gave you.
[23] no thought to beforehand, and it means nothing to say it pleases to aim.
[24] What would be our slogan if we had a slogan?
[25] Still making these.
[26] Hope you're hearing them.
[27] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.
[28] Conan O 'Brien friends a need.
[29] Doesn't work.
[30] Yeah, you didn't think about it ahead of time either.
[31] It's occurring to me now that very few of those actually work and that you have to be clever and think of them.
[32] You can't just say, well, you know, time to take out the trash and trash out the take.
[33] You have to actually think ahead of time and map it out and make sure that it lines up.
[34] Yeah.
[35] But I can't help it.
[36] I'm in the mood to keep trying those without even thinking about it and hoping that one magically works out.
[37] And you know what?
[38] One will.
[39] Yeah.
[40] Well, eventually one will and eventually will will.
[41] Nice.
[42] Now that one, I mean, almost.
[43] You're almost there.
[44] No, it doesn't.
[45] Don't yourself.
[46] Don't get mad at me. And second of all, I'm trying to be encouraging.
[47] Yeah.
[48] But when you encourage someone who just failed, you're being condescending.
[49] You know, I just tried to take my first step and fell down a flight of stairs.
[50] When you encourage someone who's condescending, you're being a failure.
[51] And encourage, wait, hold on a second.
[52] I'm trying my best to come up with one of these.
[53] We've got to come up with a legitimate one before this introduction is over.
[54] Okay.
[55] But remember, let's just put our best foot forward.
[56] Yeah.
[57] And remember, forward your best foot.
[58] That doesn't work either.
[59] That's not good.
[60] These are awful.
[61] Those are bad.
[62] These are bad.
[63] Yeah.
[64] And you know what?
[65] If you try and don't succeed, eventually you'll succeed.
[66] seed in trying.
[67] Nope.
[68] Not good.
[69] Well, I mean, that one's true, but it's just not poetic.
[70] It makes sense.
[71] Yeah.
[72] Yeah.
[73] But does it sense make?
[74] Oh, now you're just turning into Yoda.
[75] And I'm getting angry.
[76] Why am I getting angry?
[77] You realize Yoda probably said many of these and just other Jedi's were around going, oh, Jesus, you know?
[78] Yeah.
[79] Yoda was probably around just disappointing people with his lousy fake aphorisms, you know.
[80] Are you comparing yourself to Yoda?
[81] No, I just just can picture him, like, saying, remember, when, you know, when you add cream to coffee, sometimes coffee, you cream.
[82] See, that one's pretty good.
[83] And you're like, what?
[84] Yoda, and he's like, wise I am, and am I wise?
[85] And you're like, no. It's working as Yoda, though.
[86] Yeah, because people give Yoda so much slack.
[87] Because Yoda talks that way and because he's like just tiny little creature, wrinkly creature, and he's 8 ,000 years old.
[88] Wow, we're supposed to Yoda.
[89] be fair.
[90] No, no, no, I'm just saying he gets a lot of slack.
[91] You know that Yoda shows up at a party and everyone's like, oh my God, it's Yoda.
[92] Hey, Yoda, thanks for being here.
[93] Good to be here it is.
[94] And is good to be, is now here.
[95] And people are like, wow, that blew my mind, Yoda.
[96] You're mine blue.
[97] Blue eye, you.
[98] Yoda, what?
[99] How will you?
[100] No, Yoda, Jesus.
[101] Don't do that to Yoda.
[102] Yoda.
[103] That's disgusting.
[104] No, sorry.
[105] It didn't mean oral sex I give tried to be clever with backwards talk made mistake not you I blow blow I you what Yoda you got to go right now there are kids here mistake I made sorry B -I B -I what are you a pirate now Yoda I go now but now I go what you have to use the bathroom No leave me do now I leave Oh dude Oh fuck Yoda Yoda, Yoda, what is your problem?
[106] Try to be clever, I do.
[107] But backwards say, hard to make.
[108] What?
[109] Yota having stroke.
[110] No one know because of Yota speak.
[111] He's right.
[112] This MRI shows he's having a major occlusion in his brain.
[113] He's had a terrible stroke that's affected his speech center, and no one knew it because they just thought he was being 2 ,000 years old, clever.
[114] Hospital take me to.
[115] Hospital now I do.
[116] What?
[117] He's just a Dr. Seuss, Yoda.
[118] Yeah.
[119] One fish, two fish.
[120] Red fish, blue fish I'd be.
[121] Yeah, I think Yoda got a ton of slack.
[122] And I think there were many times when Yoda had a few too many drinks and he was hanging around.
[123] And everyone was like, wow, Yoda's saying such cool shit.
[124] But if you think about it the next day, if anyone taped it on their phone, they'd be listening to it, oh my God, this is terrible.
[125] He's not well.
[126] Yeah, or else she went home with him and this is what he said.
[127] She went home with him?
[128] Yeah, well, I mean, he's like picking up ladies left and right, which is like, he is.
[129] Sexy you are, are sexy you do.
[130] Oh, wow, that's so clever.
[131] I can't do this.
[132] Yeah, they pick him up and go home with him.
[133] No, don't do that to Yoda.
[134] What you're talking about?
[135] He is.
[136] Come on, guys.
[137] You kidding, women would go crazy for him.
[138] They would for Yoda.
[139] Oh, Yoda, what's up?
[140] What's going on?
[141] And it's so nice to meet you.
[142] Why is that my woman voice?
[143] Do you know there is a woman Yoda in the Phantom Metis called Yaddle?
[144] There is not.
[145] I swear.
[146] Did they do it?
[147] Like, is it a thing?
[148] I don't know that they're like connected romantically.
[149] Hold on.
[150] I'll show you a picture of her.
[151] She's hideous looking.
[152] Well, no. I'm sorry.
[153] I'm not saying it like in a sexist way.
[154] But probably beautiful to Yoda.
[155] I don't know.
[156] Tell me what you think when you see this.
[157] Let's see.
[158] Oh.
[159] Oh, my God.
[160] Oh, my God.
[161] Is that Yaddle?
[162] That's Yaddle.
[163] Oh, Yaddle's same species as me. Supposed to be attractive she is.
[164] But horrible finding her I am.
[165] Maybe they had Baby Yoda Groke.
[166] No, no, no. Anyway.
[167] When Yota goes home with girls, are they human women?
[168] Yes, this is human women.
[169] He's not Yaddles.
[170] No, he goes to the clubs.
[171] No, they aren't Yaddles.
[172] He's not going home with the...
[173] Oh, my God.
[174] Oh, gee.
[175] Wait, go back to that other one.
[176] Look at that.
[177] that hair right there.
[178] Post that.
[179] That is me in 21 years.
[180] You're a yattel.
[181] Look at that hair.
[182] I'm a yaddle.
[183] I didn't want to say anything, but she has your hair.
[184] She has my hair.
[185] Yeah.
[186] So someone at Lucasfilm tried to think of what's the most hideous look we could go for.
[187] Yeah.
[188] And when they got to the hair, they just, they took Conan hair.
[189] They did.
[190] She's got the pompadour and everything.
[191] She really, the same color, the same type of hair.
[192] It's all identical.
[193] Sexy you are.
[194] Yaddle.
[195] Because Conan hair you grew.
[196] He likes you?
[197] He's a fan of yours.
[198] He's turned on by my hair.
[199] Face hideous it is.
[200] But hair makes me horny it is.
[201] Yaddle wear that wig to look like Conan.
[202] Whip!
[203] One request Yaddle I have.
[204] Conan wig you wear.
[205] Then we do.
[206] Okay.
[207] I'm sorry.
[208] Yoda gets so much slack.
[209] He's such an asshole.
[210] All right, we got to go.
[211] We got lots to stop this.
[212] We have to get going.
[213] My guest today is back.
[214] He's back on the show, which I'm very happy about.
[215] He's a hilarious comedian whose ninth comedy special.
[216] Jim Gaffigan Comedy Monster is available on Netflix tomorrow.
[217] Jim Gaffigan, welcome.
[218] A lot of people don't know that we're, you know, we really don't get along.
[219] Right.
[220] We are like Dean Martin and Joey Bishop.
[221] Right.
[222] We look like we're having fun together.
[223] Can you make yourself look older?
[224] I can.
[225] We're like, you know, Dean Martin, these cases these days that don't know by Joy Bush.
[226] Joy Bishop, God bless America.
[227] That was back when comedy was real.
[228] I love to frustrate any listener with references they don't understand.
[229] When I walked in, I noticed that you shamed me. You called me, oh, here he is.
[230] He's vaxed and waxed.
[231] Like, why are you so anti -vaxed?
[232] It's just something that...
[233] You don't believe in, right?
[234] Right?
[235] Well, yeah.
[236] The thing is, I was listening to Joe Rogan, and he was making a lot of sense.
[237] And so I immediately started working out.
[238] And I had been vaccinated, but I actually went to the doctor and got unvaccinated.
[239] Well, you know what I think I think was...
[240] Which is hard to do.
[241] I mean, I am...
[242] By the way, I just want to get that out there.
[243] I am the first celebrity to go and have my vaccine undone.
[244] Yeah.
[245] No, I mean, the thing about Joe Rogan is, like, I do feel like a lot of what he said has been taken out of context.
[246] But there is...
[247] is, and we all have friends that are like, hey, I'm not anti -Vax, but I'm about to tell you that I'm anti -Vax.
[248] Yes, yeah, yeah.
[249] You know, hey, I got it.
[250] I'm just saying, I think Fouchy's the devil.
[251] Yes.
[252] I don't know why an 80 -year -old man would wait 50 years into his career in an administration to then try and take over the country.
[253] It's called the long con. I remember when Fauci got into Madison, he said, I'm going to destroy, destroy America.
[254] and bring it to its knees when I'm in my 80s.
[255] That's what he said.
[256] And he's true to his word.
[257] But yeah, I guess, look, I don't want to spread misinformation.
[258] And my dad is a scientist.
[259] Yeah, he is.
[260] He's a doctor.
[261] He's a microbiologist.
[262] And so this has caused a real rift in the family.
[263] Right, because you don't believe in science.
[264] I don't believe in evolution.
[265] I don't believe in oxygen.
[266] There's no proof.
[267] I can't see it.
[268] I can't see oxygen.
[269] And if I can't see it, how do I know it's there?
[270] Right.
[271] It's interesting.
[272] And I feel as though creative people have, like, people, particularly people that are into comedy have such a unique point of view.
[273] They have a tendency towards conspiracy.
[274] Do you know what I mean?
[275] Like, they're more likely to embrace unusual thinking.
[276] And it's fine in a podcast situation.
[277] But like when it ends up.
[278] Are you seeing, you think this is prevalent in the, comedy community.
[279] I think it's very prevalent.
[280] I think there's a downright suspicion of, you know, I think there's an untrusting kind of approach to comedians.
[281] Is that how you pronounce it?
[282] It's so strange that you've been in the profession and let me just, let me just point out also, you're quite well known and renowned for being a great comedian.
[283] Comedian.
[284] But you never taken the time to pronounce it correctly.
[285] Well, you know, where I'm from, we'd say comedy.
[286] I love the great thing is to say I've heard it both ways.
[287] That's the great.
[288] When you're caught mispronouncing something, always say, I've heard it both ways.
[289] I've heard it both ways.
[290] Yeah, I've heard comedian.
[291] Comedian.
[292] And comedian.
[293] But I didn't realize that now that you think about it, comedians love to almost define themselves as I don't think the way everybody else does.
[294] Right.
[295] So I could see that leading to, I mean, I, I, It's not like I'm keeping a list or anything, but are there, do you have a lot of comedian friends that are saying, I don't know about this vaccine or I don't know about this mask wearing, not naming names, but is that something that you've heard about?
[296] Well, with the exception of you, I mean, I walked in and you were like anti -vax, but no, I would say there is a suspicion, a suspicion because comedians go along this path that they're rejecting generally, you know, a path.
[297] that you're supposed to take, which is like you go to college, you get a job, and then you play golf for five years.
[298] I think most comedians, if you're going to approach life that way, you're probably more likely to not trust what the government is telling.
[299] It's weird because there's also, you know, if you also love history, which I know you do, there has been incredible lies.
[300] You know, it's like, you know, remember the main, that was just a con to get us in a war.
[301] Yeah, yeah.
[302] So, you know, our.
[303] we being naive?
[304] You know what I mean?
[305] So I do find that my friends that are highly suspicious, there is part of me that's like, I don't know.
[306] I mean, there were no weapons of mass destruction.
[307] You know what I mean?
[308] We'll be right back.
[309] Right.
[310] This got so heavy, so fast, but I will say, I just don't see when it comes to our desire to have a war in Cuba, you know, in the late 19th century, there was a real benefit to us to the United States when I say us, the United States, to get into that war.
[311] And so sometimes they get stuck on when people have a...
[312] So yes, and there was for the Bush administration a real interest in going into Iraq for other reasons.
[313] So I could see the reasoning behind it.
[314] And I don't necessarily believe, again, I didn't think we'd be going down this path, but I don't necessarily believe that people willfully or intentionally lied, but they really wanted to believe something.
[315] That's how I feel about it.
[316] With COVID, I don't see the upside for the government to have to.
[317] When people say like, oh, it's just the government, I think, what's the upside to shutting down the economy, having to really cripple the economy, and put the country through two years of hell, and in order to manufacture a serum that goes into our body for what reason?
[318] And they say, well, there's a chip.
[319] And I think they know where you are.
[320] If anybody really wants to know where you are, they've got a cell phone.
[321] So none of that makes any sense to me. I don't understand how you can get to the conspiracy.
[322] But, and I know I've just alienated most of my listeners because my listeners are very, very conservative.
[323] Well, they also, they come to you for, that's also another thing.
[324] We live in this day and age where.
[325] there's stay in your lane.
[326] Don't have an opinion on certain things when the reality is that what we enjoy about people that are in comedy is that they do have opinions.
[327] So it is odd that we're, you know, because I understand the hesitation of like, well, you know, I don't want one person to feel uncomfortable, but you're like, it is absurd.
[328] Yeah.
[329] But here's the other thing you just mentioned, which goes to you.
[330] And I think we share this.
[331] Most, Most of your comedy, and I think the vast, vast majority of the comedy that I've enjoyed doing, is we'll have opinions, but they're about the plight of humanity more than ripped from today's headlines, which I admire people that do that well, but it was never fueled for me. I never read the newspaper and went, wow, this really got my brain going and this is going to give me something to talk about tonight.
[332] So I was almost the antithesis of, say, a Mort Saul.
[333] There's another, he just passed away.
[334] So that's a name, I feel like, from the 1960s that I can bring up in good conscience.
[335] Sorry, listeners.
[336] But Mort Saul, extremely influential comedian and beloved in the early 60s.
[337] But, and through the 60s, that was his kind of comedy.
[338] And then, of course, that's become a huge part of American comedy.
[339] But whenever I've listened to you, you're talking about cottage cheese.
[340] Yes.
[341] And so, yes, I love hearing your opinion, but it is not about Fauci or it is not about, you know, I want to talk about this Theranos trial.
[342] You're talking about, hey.
[343] Yeah, no, well, you know, some of it is.
[344] This cottage cheese, why, you know.
[345] I'm selfish.
[346] I selfishly don't want to do timely things that aren't.
[347] wouldn't be relevant later on.
[348] You know what I mean?
[349] That's annoying.
[350] But also, I think some of it is people don't want to hear certain things from certain people.
[351] Like big dorky white guys, and obviously I don't include you.
[352] But like, you know.
[353] Everyone knows I'm very small and olive skin.
[354] But do you know what I mean?
[355] Like there is something about context.
[356] Context is a big thing.
[357] And so there is.
[358] But here's the other thing I've been thinking of, which I think is so weird.
[359] It's like, this is more politics, is that we look at these people that are like, JFK Jr's going to come back, he's going to be vice president, all this stuff.
[360] And we're like, ha, ha, ha, ha.
[361] Or like when people were like, Hillary Clinton's going to be arrested.
[362] Right, right, for drinking the blood of babies in the basement of a pizza parlor.
[363] And we were like, ha, ha, ha, ha.
[364] And there was a certain, you felt sad.
[365] You're like, oh, my gosh, that's so sad.
[366] But on the other side, there were all these people like once.
[367] Once Biden's elected, Trump's going to jail.
[368] All these people are going to jail.
[369] All this.
[370] And we look just as foolish.
[371] Well, no, I think there's a, I think there might have been, you know, you're referring to this thing that happened a couple of weeks ago where everybody, not everybody, but literally a lot of people.
[372] I want to say 2 ,000, 3 ,000 people gathered in Dili Plaza because there was an internet rumor, Q &N rumor or fact that JFK Jr. was going to show up.
[373] Right.
[374] In Dili Plaza on this date to announce that he was running with Donald Trump.
[375] Right.
[376] Switching parties.
[377] Switching parties.
[378] And then I kept thinking, why is he, if he's alive, why is he choosing to show up in Daly Plaza where his father was killed?
[379] I mean, none of, I mean, first of all, so that's why I went right to, well, he picked the wrong location.
[380] You know, and how are you going to kill?
[381] cater that.
[382] That's a very hard area to cater.
[383] But I, but, but I, um, but I, um, but I'm also oddly comforted by the fact that, I guess the only worst place to pick would be like Chappaquittic.
[384] Like if he was like, I'm coming back.
[385] Right.
[386] And I'm going to be in the water and Chappaquit.
[387] To make my announcement.
[388] Yeah.
[389] Um, you know, so, so, so yeah, there's, uh, you know, but I'm comforted somewhat by the fact that this is, um, this is what humans do.
[390] It's what humans have always done.
[391] Uniquely Americans, there's always been the no -nothings.
[392] There's always, I mean, that's something that, I mean, I like history.
[393] I don't know as much as you, but I find it fascinating that America is made up of all these kind of people that were kicked out of every other country.
[394] They come over here.
[395] They get shit on for a generation.
[396] And then the second generation, the first thing they do is they find someone else to shit on.
[397] Yes.
[398] It's like my ancestors literally moved to Iowa because they were killing Catholics in Maine.
[399] And so it's like, no, my grand, you know, not my, when I grew up, I lived in the house with my grandmother, who at the time was in her 90s, and she was born in the late 19th century.
[400] She had a very clear memory of New Year's Day in New York City, 1900, when the century changed.
[401] And she described it perfectly.
[402] She had a crystal clear memory of that day, and she remembered being taunted and teased for of being Catholic.
[403] And I just thought, what are you talking about?
[404] You know, no one has the idea that anyone would tease me because I was Irish Catholic.
[405] It was just absurd.
[406] But you go back a couple of generations.
[407] And that's exactly what happens is you get, the Irish get here, and everybody shits on the Irish for a while.
[408] And then the Irish are like, what are these Italians doing?
[409] Yeah.
[410] And then both the Irish and the Italians are what are those Polish doing here, you know?
[411] Yeah.
[412] When I was growing up, all the jokes were Polish jokes, all of them.
[413] Right.
[414] Because it was a, I didn't grow up in a racist city like you.
[415] But there's no, can I just, there's no evidence that Boston was ever racist.
[416] Really?
[417] Yeah, ever.
[418] There's none.
[419] There's none.
[420] We can't find any.
[421] I've looked into it.
[422] Well, by the way, it's like, even when people bring that up, I'm like, Like, compared to where?
[423] Exactly.
[424] Do you what, compared to, what, Chicago, Milwaukee, Atlanta?
[425] Yeah.
[426] Do you what I mean?
[427] Anyway, that's why.
[428] You came in very, and this is not the Jim Gaffigan I thought I'd see today.
[429] And I love this Jim Gaffigan, but you came in all hot and bothered.
[430] You wanted to talk, you wanted to go deep.
[431] You wanted to talk about real things.
[432] And I remember my slogan used to be Jim Gaffigan taught us to laugh again.
[433] That was your slogan.
[434] Yeah, that was my slogan for years and years.
[435] You were coming on the late night show 50 years ago.
[436] I've known you forever, and you've always refused to go deep or get real.
[437] And you came in today, and you are on fire to talk about real things.
[438] I think comedians are very sincere people, right?
[439] I mean, we horse around.
[440] Why did you make space quotes when you said sincere people?
[441] No, because I think that we are, because, We're the sad clown that has to, instead of miss sitting in the reality, we have to.
[442] I don't know.
[443] Yeah, I don't know.
[444] It's just stress.
[445] Maybe, you know, we're dealing with this.
[446] It's a very weird world we're living in.
[447] I do tell my kids, yeah, you're living.
[448] This is, by any stretch of the imagination, this is strange.
[449] You've just, you know, you had to go on Zoom for a year to be educated.
[450] You're wearing masks now wherever you go, despite my telling them there never was.
[451] a virus over and over again.
[452] I mean, there isn't.
[453] You know what I mean?
[454] It's a play endemic.
[455] There's just something.
[456] There's part of me that wants to leap 10 years ahead just to see where we were off.
[457] I doubt in 10 years we're going to be like, yeah, Fauci went to jail.
[458] He did the whole thing.
[459] The point that I like that you made is that, yes, the right, there are people on the right that take these crazy flights of fancy and believe.
[460] these insane things, but they also do it on the left as well.
[461] And it came out recently.
[462] And again, I can't believe we're talking about so much it's in the news because that's what neither of us does.
[463] But recently, remember when Trump was first elected, there was the Steele dossier.
[464] And it was all about how there's a tape of Trump being urinated on by prostitutes in Russia.
[465] And that's why he is the puppet of the Russian regime.
[466] And now, here we are, you know, five years later.
[467] And I'm reading this article the other day that's in the New York Times or something.
[468] It said, yeah, that's all been discredited.
[469] None of that ever existed.
[470] And I, you know, I remember for a long time, there was so many people on the left that were wanting to make jokes about, I mean, I remembered my own writers pitching, oh, let's do a whole thing about, you know, on the late night show about how prostitutes urinated on Trump.
[471] And I remember thinking at the time, well, no, we can't because we don't even know if that's true.
[472] Right.
[473] And they, they actually, acted like I was a prude.
[474] And I was like, well, no, I mean, we just don't have any proof that that's true.
[475] And also, it just seems he's a germaphobe.
[476] I don't think he let prostitutes urinate on him.
[477] And I was just very, because I've been urinated on by prostitutes, I was very, well, not at my request, by the way.
[478] It was an accident.
[479] And by the way, these, the men, they were, the men that urinated were.
[480] Yes.
[481] They were vexed.
[482] I made sure that the men who urinated, on me, and I love very nice, switcheroo.
[483] The men who urinated, and it was an accident, but they were vaxed.
[484] But you came in in a tizzy.
[485] I would say a tizzy.
[486] You were in a tizzy, and we don't use that word much anymore in our culture, but you were in a real tizzy because you were late, and you were like, and I wasn't, I didn't even notice that you were late.
[487] You were six minutes late, and I'm very chill about the podcast.
[488] This is not some, well, I am.
[489] No, I'm very chill about what time we started.
[490] start.
[491] And so you come strolling in and you were very upset because you said I had to use a rental car.
[492] I was in tears.
[493] What's the problem with using a rental car?
[494] What did that put you into a tizzy?
[495] Well, you know, I live in New York and I, most people in the entertainment industry that want to succeed eventually move to L .A. And I never made that move.
[496] And I've lived out here.
[497] It's hurt you.
[498] It's hurt you.
[499] Well, I've lived out here at times, but there's certain things that I, you know, I'm not smart enough to, like, I'm in a rental car, and it's like I didn't know how to, like, I sat there, the guy pulled it up, and I sat there for like a couple of minutes trying to figure out, you know, most people know how to work cars.
[500] And I was like, I didn't know where.
[501] What specifically didn't you know how to work?
[502] Because you know the steering wheel and you know.
[503] I know the steering wheel.
[504] I didn't know how to shift it into gear.
[505] like it was like there was this it was on the behind the steering wheel but it was a small one so I was like that can't be it and it's I don't know I'm just not that bright I'm just not ready and you know my brother Mitch would love you know because it's a fancy kind of fancy car might if I throw up right now you rented a fancy car They rented.
[506] I'm doing this project.
[507] I'm working on a film.
[508] Okay, so they got you a fancy.
[509] Are you embarrassed when someone arranges for you to have a fancy car?
[510] Yeah.
[511] Well, that's...
[512] I get a little embarrassed sometimes, if that happens, you know?
[513] Well, it's not a super fancy car, but my manager's assistant was like, hey, we got you this car, and I'm like, I, you know...
[514] I saw you pull up in a 1967 Silver Ghost, Rolls Royce.
[515] Yes.
[516] And, no, but it's kind of wasted on me. You know, like fancy cars are kind of wasted on me. Like, I'm not, I don't have that level of appreciation for cars.
[517] I don't know.
[518] I don't have anything against people that do appreciate cars.
[519] I am quite content.
[520] I mean, I think that's, I think your lowest level car drives really well.
[521] Yeah.
[522] So I don't even know what that is.
[523] I need air conditioning.
[524] That's what I need.
[525] Right.
[526] What is your, now, do you collect, besides collecting, you know, you know, you being.
[527] part of pizza gate you collect babies but just for their blood but do you collect do you collect guitars or something like that yeah but I I do have guitars but I um this is going to sound terrible guitars get are given to me by people people because and it just it started years and years ago when people knew that I hacked around on the guitar and so I have purchased shockingly few guitars and And most of my guitars are ones that have been handed to me by people at...
[528] Elvis Costello.
[529] No, he never gave me a guitar.
[530] And he was sitting in the same chair you're sitting in not five weeks ago.
[531] And I kept waiting for him to give me a guitar.
[532] Who was the person you were most excited to meet besides me?
[533] Wait, of all people?
[534] Of, you know, let's keep it in the entertainment industry, you know.
[535] Yeah.
[536] where you're like, I can't believe I'm kind of nervous.
[537] Well, that would be Paul McCartney.
[538] Paul McCartney.
[539] Yeah.
[540] And I got to briefly meet George Harrison years ago.
[541] But I think Paul McCartney, I think, easily just because I, you know, he's Paul McCartney.
[542] He's a beetle, but also because I have such a depth of knowledge that I was, I knew too much about him.
[543] I've never known that much about someone.
[544] Oh, that's interesting.
[545] that I've never really met before.
[546] So on a few occasions I've gotten to hang out with him and it was an act of will not to be staring at like his hand and thinking, so that's the hand that, and I know you do that with me, you stare at my hands.
[547] Well, I mean, it's weird because you have like claw -like features.
[548] A lot of people, I never noticed that on the show that one hand is very claw -like.
[549] It's attractive in kind of like a claw -like feature.
[550] We did a smart thing, which was we, because it's my right hand that's basically a chicken's claw, we turned me, we turned me so that my, on the talk show, it was always my left side that you were seeing.
[551] And that hid this sort of very small chicken's claw that I have for right hand.
[552] And so no one ever saw it.
[553] And there's little things you learn on the podcast that you never know.
[554] Within the industry, it was known as the chicken claw.
[555] Yeah.
[556] Just the positioning.
[557] And rarely, I mean, occasionally we had to edit out.
[558] I think it was, Christine Aguilera was on the show.
[559] I came out to greet her after she sang a song.
[560] And this is in the late 90s.
[561] And she said, I went to thank her.
[562] And she had not been briefed.
[563] Right.
[564] Because I was briefed.
[565] Yeah.
[566] And she said, what the fuck you have a chicken claw.
[567] That's kind of rude.
[568] Yeah.
[569] And really was freaked out.
[570] And so we edited that out of the show.
[571] Yeah.
[572] And then we got Andy to dub over, thank you for having me on the show, Conan.
[573] And it was clear that that was not her voice.
[574] That his voice was too high.
[575] His voice was way too high.
[576] The, um, the, the, this interview is either incredibly good or maybe one of the worst.
[577] But I can't tell.
[578] It's fantastic.
[579] I'm loving it.
[580] I'm loving it.
[581] I'm kind of jealous of people that, uh, that do podcast because I feel as though you, it's kind of like, it's essentially a play date, right?
[582] Yeah.
[583] It's a play date set up by our mommies.
[584] And, but like, otherwise, but you get to do them with different people.
[585] Who's the person that is the worst guest besides me?
[586] Who was the worst guest that you will just ruin their day that they hear it?
[587] Yeah, on the podcast.
[588] Not going to say.
[589] That would be a terrible breach.
[590] That would be a breach of conference.
[591] A name popped into my head, but I'll never say who it was.
[592] Never, ever.
[593] You know what?
[594] Why do that?
[595] And also, it's rude.
[596] It's mean.
[597] It's mean.
[598] They, they, they, this person, uh, they, this person, uh, came on my show and.
[599] Can you just tell us their last name?
[600] Yeah.
[601] It happens to be Jonas, but it doesn't, you don't know which one it is.
[602] Well, first of all, uh, I've had, I've talked to all three of the Jonas brothers separately.
[603] Yeah.
[604] And two of them were the worst ever.
[605] and one of them was the best.
[606] Right.
[607] So that's the answer.
[608] I'm just glad that they finally got a...
[609] They have a special on Netflix.
[610] Finally.
[611] You know what I mean?
[612] I was like, when are they going to get a special?
[613] And I was like, now it sounds like I'm anti - Jonas.
[614] I want to clarify quickly.
[615] We've never had the Jonas Brothers on.
[616] It's not the Jonas Brothers.
[617] But the person I'm thinking of, their name rhymes with Jonas.
[618] So let's just leave it at that.
[619] Bonus.
[620] Yes.
[621] Jack Bonus was a terrible guest.
[622] Jack bonus.
[623] Writer producer, Jack bonus.
[624] So as we head into the holidays, what holiday traditions happen, happen at your household?
[625] Like, do you open presents in the morning?
[626] Do you do it at night?
[627] Does your wife do, does she have certain things that you?
[628] Yeah, yeah, my wife is.
[629] Do you pretend to go to church or what do you do?
[630] Well, just getting started out just very nice.
[631] I'm going to ask a lot of questions.
[632] Got super personal.
[633] First of all, I will not celebrate, I live in Los Angeles and have for over a decade, I will not celebrate Christmas in Los Angeles.
[634] I will not do it.
[635] You'll leave.
[636] So we always try and go east.
[637] Her family is in Seattle.
[638] We were just there for Thanksgiving.
[639] That's North, but we go on.
[640] Yes.
[641] No, no, I'm saying we go to Seattle or we go east, which is we go to Boston or we go someplace like to top of a mountain.
[642] It must be snowy and cold for me on Christmas.
[643] I insist on that.
[644] I insist on it.
[645] And there has to be some kind of weather system.
[646] There has to be some kind of feeling that it is, in fact, Christmas.
[647] And so I refuse to put on a 45, you know, SPF sunblock and celebrate Christmas in the yard and then take a swim.
[648] That's never going to happen.
[649] Is it true that you will force your family to hear you sing Christmas songs for like an hour?
[650] Oh, well, first of all, an hour, it's a lot longer than an hour.
[651] It's a lot longer than an hour.
[652] Yeah.
[653] Listen to this.
[654] Sleep in heavenly peace.
[655] Leap in heavenly.
[656] Here, this is kind of a real question.
[657] You're somebody who loves music.
[658] I find music a mystery.
[659] A mystery.
[660] But like if you could be a moderately successful musician, Would you change your incredibly successful comedic career?
[661] Yes.
[662] You would do that in a heartbeat.
[663] I would give it all up if I could be in a moderately successful rockabilly band where I got to grow my sideburn super long and play a lot of Gene Vincent and just tons of like super fast time rockabilly.
[664] So that fan.
[665] With Jimmy Vivino and a couple of other my guys and just try.
[666] travel around and do that and, yeah, ruin my marriage, ruin my relationship with my kids.
[667] You would do that.
[668] I think I would, yeah.
[669] You're being facetious, but I think you really.
[670] No, no, I'm not, to be honest, to be honest, there is part of me that over the years, I mean, Jesus, almost 30 years of doing the late night show.
[671] Yeah, that's too long to do anything, by the way.
[672] Trust me, it's too long to breathe.
[673] So I, and you'll testify to this sona, because you were there for the 11 years that you were watching me go to rehearsal.
[674] All I wanted to do was play music with the band.
[675] Yes.
[676] And it was through sheer force of will that they got me to work on the comedy.
[677] But all I really wanted to do.
[678] And is that something all your life or did that develop later on?
[679] I was always interested in it.
[680] And it was sort of, I knocked around another instruments, but I didn't pick up a guitar.
[681] until I was 22, and I came out to L .A., and I've always told people the secret to learning an instrument is to have no relationship.
[682] I was single.
[683] I didn't have a girlfriend.
[684] But that's not a surprise to everyone listening.
[685] But go on.
[686] You know.
[687] No, but it's what's amazing about this story?
[688] No, no, I, you know what?
[689] What's amazing about that story?
[690] I handed my heart to you.
[691] I handed my heart to you and you ripped it now.
[692] You're telling a story as if then at the end.
[693] And you're standing on stage holding a Grammy.
[694] But you essentially...
[695] I know.
[696] Then none of that happened.
[697] Well, the whole time I was working on my comedy career, but this was my hobby.
[698] But I had a lot of time for my hobby because you watch TV in your $3.
[699] In your $3 .80 a month apartment in the flats in Hollywood near the Librea Tarpitz.
[700] And you're wearing gym shorts and you sit there and you play those goddamn fucking chords over and over and over again.
[701] while you're watching Saved by the Bell and then you're suddenly a creep.
[702] Am I a creep, really?
[703] Yeah.
[704] Because I was in my early 20s watching a children show because the girls were so pretty.
[705] I think it's very creepy.
[706] Well, it wasn't creepy until you just said that last part.
[707] I know, the girls are pretty.
[708] That's the weird calculation, right?
[709] Is all men end up being creepy?
[710] I watched for Zach, yeah.
[711] Like there's no one that doesn't end up being creepy.
[712] Well, also as time...
[713] The Dalai Lama is probably creepy.
[714] Oh, he's super creepy.
[715] Right.
[716] Has he been on the...
[717] Was he on the show?
[718] He did it last week and he's doing it again next week.
[719] Yeah.
[720] And worst guest ever.
[721] Really?
[722] A lot of...
[723] Because everything with him was, well, in the next life, we'll find out.
[724] He was insufferable.
[725] What a cop out.
[726] Yeah, I'd ask him anything.
[727] And he'd say, well, we must be present in the moment and in the next life.
[728] And then as he left, he said, I'm getting paid for this right.
[729] And I said, we don't pay our guests.
[730] And he said, this is a quote, fuck you.
[731] I want $100 ,000 in a suitcase.
[732] And I want it now.
[733] Yeah, yeah.
[734] And I know that, like, he, when I was on a show, another show, he took all the drinks and chips from the green room.
[735] And I was like, Dolly, and he was like, call me Lama.
[736] Yeah.
[737] And remember, the reason he wears that robe is he has massive, massive pockets on the inside that are lined with tinfoil.
[738] So he's pouring dips, chips.
[739] I mean, most of the time, if you go up and give the Dalai Lama a big hug, I tell you, 65 pounds of snacks is going to be crunching and oozing out of him.
[740] And old cheese plates, too, which is just like...
[741] Now, speaking of great religious figures, I know that you have performed for the Pope.
[742] Did you get to meet him or just perform for him?
[743] I mean, I spent a weekend with him.
[744] Is this at his golf course?
[745] I met him.
[746] I introduced my mother -in -law to the Pope.
[747] Yeah, that was a while ago.
[748] I know, but I'm allowed to bring up this.
[749] You asked me about learning the guitar in, you know, 1985, so why?
[750] Why can I ask you about meeting the Pope?
[751] But it's like you described 1985 like you weren't working on the Simpsons at that point?
[752] No, there were no Simpsons yet.
[753] And so many nerds right now are dialing in to a pre -recorded show, so it's a waste of everyone's time.
[754] No, I was working.
[755] It was my first show that I worked on, which called Not Necessary the News, which was on HBO, back when HBO was only available in motels.
[756] And so you had just graduated from college?
[757] Just graduated from college, yeah.
[758] So, 85.
[759] So you graduated in 84?
[760] No, I graduated in 85.
[761] 85, which makes me...
[762] I'm so much more younger than you.
[763] Well, I'm more honest.
[764] I'm 58 years old.
[765] 58.
[766] You don't look a day over 50 to 7.
[767] How old are you?
[768] That's kind of personal.
[769] Okay.
[770] I see what you did.
[771] You got me to reveal my age.
[772] I'm 55.
[773] But we're both creepy.
[774] You know what I mean?
[775] We're both kind of on the creepy end.
[776] Well, we're married, so we don't have to worry about it.
[777] We're only creepy in certain contexts.
[778] I think it's really creepy that you and I like to hang around.
[779] Strip clubs.
[780] Strip clubs.
[781] But not even go outside.
[782] We hang around up front and we try and tell people to go into the strip club.
[783] We tailgate.
[784] We call it tailgate it.
[785] Yeah.
[786] We tailgate in front of strip clubs.
[787] You know what we do?
[788] This is a thing Gaffigan and I do.
[789] Can I call you Gaffigan?
[790] You can call me that.
[791] Because you taught us to laugh again.
[792] We love to, and this is a thing we trade off, but we started doing this.
[793] to say we started doing this in like 1998, but Jim Gaffigan and I started, I don't know how we started doing it, but we started tailgating and barbecuing out in front of strip clubs.
[794] And it's fantastic.
[795] We were the first people to do it and still the only people to do it.
[796] And most of the guys going in, we're like, come on over and they're like, no, I'd rather not be identified.
[797] And we're like, don't worry, there's cameras everywhere.
[798] And they're like, what do you mean, cameras?
[799] And sometimes they'd leave.
[800] You know what I mean?
[801] But, you know, the other thing, too, is we found out that a lot of guys going into strip clubs didn't want to hang out with us and pound beer and eat ribs.
[802] They wanted to go in and look at almost naked or naked women dancing.
[803] Yeah.
[804] They were not interested in hanging out with us and having...
[805] It's weird because, like, I know they serve food.
[806] Sometimes there's a buffet in strip clubs because, you know, like a lot of them.
[807] The food.
[808] The people are like, oh, I'm just going for the food.
[809] There happens to be naked women.
[810] Right.
[811] You know, I didn't even notice that.
[812] I'm mostly going for the wings.
[813] And I'm like, you don't have to go in.
[814] We'd say, you don't have to go in.
[815] We have food here.
[816] It's free.
[817] And they're like, no, you know what?
[818] I prefer it.
[819] You know, they have better chafing dishes inside, you know.
[820] That's a lot of people there.
[821] Yeah, they have sterno -warmed food inside.
[822] So why do you think, Conan, why do you keep doing all of this?
[823] Why do you keep doing all of this?
[824] Why do I keep doing all of this?
[825] I mean, some of it is dance.
[826] I love dance.
[827] No, you're a very good dancer.
[828] I, you know.
[829] When you're, it's your question.
[830] Why, for example, right now I'm not doing any kind of TV show.
[831] You know, I've, I'm just doing this.
[832] And I really love it.
[833] It is kind of, and I shouldn't say the highlight of my day because I have a family.
[834] That could come out wrong.
[835] But it makes me very happy.
[836] It's not logical to do this for a living or aspire to it.
[837] It's a very strange thing.
[838] And I think the same thing about music.
[839] It's just a compulsion.
[840] It has to be.
[841] I mean, it is this strange.
[842] Did you decide at one point, I am going to be a comedian or, and when you did, didn't it seem ridiculous?
[843] Oh, absolutely ridiculous.
[844] It's much more normalized now, but like, I feel that when it was kind of brought up to my family, I'm thinking of being a comedian, and they're like, you're joking, right?
[845] You know, like, that's not a real occupation.
[846] You know what I mean?
[847] So going beyond that, like even doing these.
[848] comedy specials, it is really an amazing sense of accomplishment that you feel.
[849] I mean, just coming up with a new joke or doing a good podcast, it is, it's amazing the buzz you get from it.
[850] Right.
[851] And it's, it's so strange how it's, it's something that it's not as if people, you know, you think that you're like, well, I did that, I'm done.
[852] Like, there's this mythology of, like Johnny Carson retiring and you never see him again.
[853] And it's like, even when like Letterman retired and then he started doing the Netflix show, I'm like, yeah, of course.
[854] It's like you can't not get the buzz.
[855] You know, the other thing, too, is it's show business changed.
[856] So it used to be that there were very few slots in show business.
[857] And I feel I got into this in 93, the late night show, and the old order still existed.
[858] There were very few networks.
[859] Yeah.
[860] And there were hardly any late night shows.
[861] shows.
[862] You know, a slot has opened.
[863] And it was like this millennial once in a thousand years, a slot opens and who will get it and I got it.
[864] And there was this feeling of you have now been welcomed into the order of those who are in broadcasting.
[865] And now we live in a completely different world where there's literally 150 ,000 hours of entertainment available to everybody all the time.
[866] So no one's saying I've got to rush home because my favorite late night show is starting.
[867] It's amazing.
[868] It's also going to come a time where, because we've seen the numbers go down on these late shows where eventually there will be these late night shows to no one's fault.
[869] They'll be like they have five people watching them.
[870] Bob, Phil, Sally.
[871] It's literally they're going to be able to identify these people.
[872] Well, what happens, too, is that no one's, all the clips are online.
[873] And I have people coming up to me all the time.
[874] I just went up to Seattle for Thanksgiving.
[875] People come up to me in the airport and they'd be like, oh, I just saw that thing you did.
[876] And they're talking about something, first of all, I usually don't know what they're talking about.
[877] But often it's something that they just saw online from nine years ago.
[878] But they just saw it.
[879] And so I'm starting to get the feeling that I can probably never do, I mean, I want to keep making stuff.
[880] and I intend to.
[881] But if I never did anything again, I think on I'm like 110 and just a brain in a jar, people might be coming in and going, that thing you did last night.
[882] I just checked it out.
[883] Where you, you know, you and Tony Bennett get in those go -carts and smash into that thing made of custard.
[884] And I'm like, oh, right.
[885] Someone looks it up.
[886] That was 1994.
[887] But someone just experienced it and had a chuckle.
[888] So it is very different.
[889] It used to be, you know, when Johnny Carson left, the Tonight Show, it was like he, the sky parted.
[890] There was a portal and he ascended up into it and then he was disappeared.
[891] Whereas now there's really no reason if you're interested in making stuff, which is, I reduce it to that.
[892] Yeah.
[893] I know you're the same way.
[894] We like to make stuff.
[895] Yeah.
[896] It beats not making stuff.
[897] It's really fun.
[898] And it's a compulsion.
[899] There's a reward that people don't realize.
[900] And it's not about, it's not a monitor.
[901] thing.
[902] It's literally a sense of accomplishment, which seems odd.
[903] I don't know.
[904] We figured it all out, Conan.
[905] I think we figured out so many things, and yet I'm stupider than when this started.
[906] Yes, that all happened.
[907] How did that happen?
[908] Let me talk about this really quickly.
[909] So, like, when you're, so you were in the airport, flying to Seattle, I find this really fascinating.
[910] People always come up and they say the same thing, which is they're being They're like, I don't want to interrupt, but they're interrupting.
[911] I don't want to interrupt.
[912] But, and I'll be like at dinner with my family.
[913] I don't want to interrupt, but can I get a photo?
[914] And you're like, but I'm eating with my family.
[915] Yeah.
[916] And then you famously, you're kind of well known as a guy that sort of flips out on people when they come up to you.
[917] You know?
[918] No, I mean, you're not, you're okay with me saying that.
[919] Like, you're always, you know, there's, I'm always, there are a lot of gap against stories about.
[920] A lot of, like, throwing phones.
[921] Yeah, and a lot of like, oh, a vet in a wheelchair came up to you and you and said, I really hate to interrupt you.
[922] It was a veterinarian.
[923] It wasn't a war.
[924] Oh, I know.
[925] That's what I meant, veterinarian in a wheelchair and who also didn't need the wheelchair.
[926] Just a lazy veterinarian.
[927] Just a lazy vet.
[928] Like, they were like, oh, my gosh.
[929] Oh, my God.
[930] Yeah, I insisted on getting one of these.
[931] But that vet had also complained about too many females becoming veterinarians.
[932] Yes, I know.
[933] It was a bad veterinarian.
[934] It was emasculating the occupation and all this stuff.
[935] You really lost it on that lazy veterinarian.
[936] That lazy vet.
[937] And started screaming at them.
[938] Yes.
[939] And saying, do you know who I am?
[940] I'm Jim Gaffigan.
[941] I'm the one that taught America to laugh again, which, by the way, you've got to stop saying that.
[942] It's such bullshit.
[943] It's a tragic end.
[944] It's a tragic end.
[945] I don't know what I'm going to do.
[946] You know, we talk about compulsion and why we do these things.
[947] I want to talk about this.
[948] You have another special, a comedy monster.
[949] It's going to be on Netflix.
[950] Yes.
[951] It's December 21st, which I believe is tomorrow.
[952] I don't look at my calendar often.
[953] Yeah.
[954] And but I believe that's coming out tomorrow, the 21st.
[955] And this is your ninth comedy special.
[956] Talk about compulsion.
[957] I want to pay you a compliment.
[958] I have had a front row seat to just about every really great comedian of my era.
[959] I think you might be the most prolific or one of the most prolific.
[960] I'm not going to say the most.
[961] I'm going to say one of 600 ,000 other...
[962] Yeah, just like any other human.
[963] All...
[964] I mean, none of it's good, but you just pump out the shit.
[965] Like a soft serve machine that's just...
[966] That makes diarrhea.
[967] Right, right.
[968] Round the clock.
[969] No, I am going to get this compliment out in clean form.
[970] I am stunned.
[971] Every time you would come on the show, you would have a completely new set that was completely different from your last set, always great material and then I felt like I could probably get you to come back two days later and you would have another set.
[972] You are crazily prolific and it's all good stuff.
[973] And I'm, I've always been really in awe and I'm to the point where after you'd be on the show I'd say I don't understand how he does that.
[974] Oh, thanks.
[975] Jim, I adore talking to you.
[976] This is your second time on the podcast.
[977] I know, I feel honor.
[978] And we don't, you know, we haven't been doing repeat guests.
[979] Really?
[980] Oh.
[981] And I just, I love talking to you and I'd be happy to talk to you in an hour from now.
[982] There you go.
[983] But I'm really looking forward to the special Jim Gaffigan Comedy Monster on Netflix.
[984] I'm going to get my Netflix warmed up.
[985] Yeah.
[986] Yeah, it takes my TV 45 minutes to warm up to Netflix.
[987] And thanks so much for stopping by.
[988] Appreciate it.
[989] You're not a great man, but you're a very good man. Interesting.
[990] I'm interesting for like an hour.
[991] You're 50 minutes.
[992] 50 minutes.
[993] You're interesting for 50.
[994] Around 54, you're like, ugh.
[995] Thank you, sir.
[996] Thanks so much.
[997] Guys, it's our last episode before Christmas, the Yuletide season.
[998] Happy holidays.
[999] Happy holidays.
[1000] I know, Sony, you celebrate Armenian Christmas, which is later, right?
[1001] Yeah, I celebrate both, but to give myself more time to get gifts, I say I celebrate Armenian Christmas.
[1002] Every year when Christmas comes, and this is.
[1003] I've known Sona a long time.
[1004] Christmas comes and I give her her gift and it's always, you know, as you can imagine, I'm always like, surprise.
[1005] And she's like, oh my God.
[1006] And I go, and here are the keys.
[1007] And a locker?
[1008] I get her a gym locker from 1968.
[1009] No, I get her a nice...
[1010] You always are very generous with gifts.
[1011] Yeah, I give you a nice gift.
[1012] And then I'm kind of, there's part of me that's waiting we're like, oh, what am I going to get from Sona?
[1013] And it's nothing.
[1014] I don't get any Christmas gift, but then it's because I forget that Sona is very happy to get a Christmas gift, but what she really likes to do then is only give gifts on Armenian Christmas, which is a couple of weeks later, right?
[1015] It's January 6th, yes.
[1016] It's the Orthodox Christmas.
[1017] It's the Orthodox Christmas.
[1018] And to give a shout out, the Armenians or the original, it's the oldest sect of Christianity, isn't it?
[1019] It's the first country to accept Christianity as the national religion.
[1020] They did it in 301.
[1021] The Greeks will say they did it, but they did it.
[1022] The Greeks say a lot of shit.
[1023] Yeah, the Greeks.
[1024] Can we all agree on the Greeks?
[1025] Man, don't get me started on the Greeks.
[1026] Put if that's the one distinguishing characteristic of our podcast is, man, there's a lot of Greek hate going around on Conan's podcast.
[1027] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.
[1028] No Greekies.
[1029] But no Greeks.
[1030] No Greekies?
[1031] Yeah.
[1032] Conan O 'Brien has banned Zach Gallifanakis from his podcast.
[1033] As he's an upcoming guest.
[1034] Hey, Zach, you're on my shit list.
[1035] You and all those other Greeks.
[1036] Aristotle.
[1037] Aristotle's on your shit list.
[1038] Oh, yeah.
[1039] Man, when I see that guy coming, I go the other way.
[1040] He can't come on this podcast.
[1041] He can't.
[1042] I don't want to listen to his sort of weird pseudo -wisdom.
[1043] Holidays are a little loaded for me. I want to preface this by saying, I love my wife very much.
[1044] And whenever someone says that, whenever someone in entertainment says that a lot, you know that their marriage is in trouble.
[1045] Yes.
[1046] No, my wife, Liza, is terrific.
[1047] But I'm realizing that we have very different philosophies about Christmas decorations.
[1048] Okay.
[1049] I'm realizing that my wife is very tasteful.
[1050] Yes.
[1051] She comes from a more waspish culture.
[1052] Okay.
[1053] And they're very tasteful people and good people.
[1054] And, of course, I come from horrible Irish pirates.
[1055] And I'm realizing that when ever, Whenever Christmas comes around, I'm always trying to put up, my wife always just wants there to be kind of white lights, just pure white lights and not too many of them, but just an appropriate amount.
[1056] Very elegant, very sophisticated.
[1057] And I realize that I'm always, whenever she's doing that, I'm always in the corner trying to order a plastic Santa on a toilet that spins that goes on your front yard.
[1058] I have that in me. I like multicolored lights at Christmas.
[1059] And I know that I am a full -grown adult and there's no excuse for it, but I like multicolored lights.
[1060] I don't think you need to explain yourself for that.
[1061] I do too.
[1062] No, no, my wife says that's cool on the tree.
[1063] But I swear to God, if I was let free, there would be, you know, angels and Santas and snowmen.
[1064] You'd just be shit and tinsel.
[1065] Yeah, just shit and tinsel.
[1066] all over the place.
[1067] I can't help it.
[1068] I have, and I realize that when I was a kid, my brother Neil really led the charge.
[1069] He got, from my grandparents, he got like this light -up Santa Claus that was really like over -the -top tacky and a light -up snowman, and he hung them without my parents' permission.
[1070] He hung them out the front door out of his window, which is the side of the store.
[1071] that's facing the street.
[1072] And just, he put up as much of that stuff as possible.
[1073] And this Santa looked like a drunk.
[1074] It looked like a big, fat drunk man. Oh, no. And it was one of those ones that was made in like the late 40s or early 50s.
[1075] Yeah.
[1076] And he had like a, he was a leering drunk Santa.
[1077] And then a big frosty, the snowman.
[1078] And my brother Neil would just, with no sense of decorum, would just throw these things out the window and they would hang there off an extension cord.
[1079] And my mother, of course, was horrified.
[1080] But I think I grew up with that thinking that's what it should be.
[1081] I want all that stuff.
[1082] And so I've noticed that whenever I start to pitch a Christmas decoration to my wife, her whole body tenses.
[1083] I can just see her whole body tense.
[1084] Like the second before an automobile accident, the way someone tenses up and puts their arms up.
[1085] And she knows anything I say is going to be, well, let's think about that.
[1086] Yeah.
[1087] Let's think about a leprechaun that's wearing a Santa hat.
[1088] Oh, no. That shoots M &Ms out its ass.
[1089] Let's just think about that.
[1090] That sounds cool.
[1091] And I'm like, it's only $44 and they can deliver it tomorrow.
[1092] You can play human centipede with that.
[1093] I did order a bunch of human centipede Santas once a couple years ago.
[1094] And she didn't want it out there?
[1095] No. Oh, what, Liza.
[1096] That's unreasonable.
[1097] I know, Liza.
[1098] Come on.
[1099] Liza, why are you harshing my mellow?
[1100] You know, this is my joy.
[1101] Don't yuck my yum.
[1102] This is my joy.
[1103] Don't yuck his yum.
[1104] You know?
[1105] You know what, though?
[1106] Your house is very elegant and sophisticated.
[1107] So it would be weird if you had like a drunken leprechaun.
[1108] I know, but there's part of me that, that, you know, your true nature, which is, it's not just my DNA, but it's also how I was raised and the influence of my oldest brother, Neil.
[1109] There's part of me that just wants to go hogwai.
[1110] and be insane.
[1111] It's a time to be insane.
[1112] Could you do your office that way?
[1113] Like, couldn't you have a little allocated room just for your Christmas fun?
[1114] A little cone in corner.
[1115] Yeah, a little playtime.
[1116] Now, I want to impose it on people, on other people, you know?
[1117] Oh, yeah.
[1118] I want, you know, I want other people to be forced to see it.
[1119] You should take an apartment in the city that's not for a lover, but just to decorate.
[1120] A pieterite tear.
[1121] I love that.
[1122] I love that.
[1123] I'll be the only celebrity that got a secret apartment.
[1124] apartment on the side, not to meet my mistress, but to just decorate with tacky Christmas crap.
[1125] And then I go there and I drink overly sweet, instant cocoa and watch Frosty the snowman backwards in my feety pajamas and then occasionally walk outside and look at my tacky little piettaire.
[1126] Yeah, that's good.
[1127] And then I never know the neighborhood's like, Conan must have a mistress in there and I'm like huh, mistress er yes, yes, mistress.
[1128] Yes, I lie.
[1129] Mistress Claus.
[1130] What's that, National Enquirer?
[1131] Yes, mistress in there just so I look like less of a loser because no one would rent this just to decorate it with tacky Christmas shit.
[1132] No, no, mistress.
[1133] Mistress in there, yes.
[1134] Her name's Santina.
[1135] St. Clouse.
[1136] What?
[1137] He seemed like a bad liar Conan.
[1138] If you were allowed to do whatever you wanted, would it be like the house and Christmas vacation?
[1139] Yeah, it would be terrible.
[1140] No, I wouldn't go that far, but it would be bad.
[1141] My wife is right.
[1142] I do think my wife is right, but as she is in most things, except in choice of husband.
[1143] Aw, no. She missed it there.
[1144] She could have done better, but I think she's right.
[1145] But there's this impulse I have, which is, oh my God, you know, I could, there's no reason why that piece of furniture can't have multicolored lights wrapped around it.
[1146] I get it, though.
[1147] There's a, there's a, like, tough tug of war between the elegance, but also Christmas is a season of like childhood joy and kind of unbridled fun.
[1148] Yes, and excess.
[1149] And I think it's come to represent, you know, America's expression of its dominance in the world.
[1150] Oh.
[1151] And capitalism.
[1152] and it's defeat of other forms of organizing society.
[1153] Okay, well, anyway.
[1154] My God, what did you do to Christmas?
[1155] That's what I think Christmas is all about.
[1156] You heard it here first on Conan O 'Brien can't stand the Greeks.
[1157] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley.
[1158] Produced by me, Matt Gourley, executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna, Salataroff and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.
[1159] Theme song by The White Stripes.
[1160] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
[1161] Take it away, Jimmy.
[1162] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.
[1163] Engineering by Will Beckton.
[1164] Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.
[1165] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.
[1166] Got a question for Conan?
[1167] Call the Team Cocoa hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.
[1168] It too could be featured on a future episode.
[1169] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.
[1170] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.