Kevin Nealon Returns

[0] Hi, my name is Kevin Nealyn.

[1] And I feel duped about helping Conan O 'Brien.

[2] Oh, sorry, I was trying to get it.

[3] You didn't help me. How did you help me?

[4] It's with being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[5] It's subliminal.

[6] Hi, my name is Kevin Nealant, and I feel obligated about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[7] You know, I do feel that way.

[8] Do you really?

[9] I feel like you do have no friends.

[10] Okay, well, first of all, that's a terrible thing to say.

[11] I know you'll take it back eventually.

[12] Is there any more print on here?

[13] Just take that piece of paper away from you.

[14] Hear the yell.

[15] Back to school.

[16] Ring the bell.

[17] Brand new shoes.

[18] Walking blues.

[19] Climb the fence, books and pens.

[20] I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[21] I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[22] Hello, Conan O 'Brien here.

[23] Welcome to another installment.

[24] I call them installments occasionally.

[25] That's nice.

[26] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend and wonderful show.

[27] Today I'm sitting here with Matthew B. Goreley?

[28] No. No?

[29] No. What is your middle initial?

[30] Every time.

[31] I know.

[32] This is like the 40th time you've asked.

[33] I just want the initial.

[34] It's J. Okay.

[35] I like B. I wish I was Conan B. O 'Brien.

[36] Well, I'm afraid to hear what you think the B might stand for.

[37] For you?

[38] Yeah.

[39] Oh, wow.

[40] Brigadier.

[41] I'll take it.

[42] Yeah.

[43] Okay.

[44] What about for you?

[45] It would be bestest of all, I guess.

[46] No. It'd be Conan Brian O 'Brien.

[47] Yeah, that's right.

[48] Conan Brian O 'Brien.

[49] Do you know what my middle name is?

[50] to start with?

[51] It's a C. Christopher.

[52] That's right.

[53] Conan Christopher O 'Brien.

[54] Conan Christ Complex O 'Brien.

[55] Please, please.

[56] That hasn't been proven.

[57] Only nine doctors have said that.

[58] I haven't gone to a 10th yet.

[59] I did.

[60] I was in a writing class as a young man and this woman came up to me and she said, you should be a writer and your name should be Conan Christopher.

[61] She kind of was telling me that my last name sucked.

[62] Oh.

[63] You know, that was just and and you know, it's a very, it's such a common last name for the Irish.

[64] It basically is whatever.

[65] It's like the Smith of Ireland.

[66] Yeah.

[67] So she was saying, you should be Conan Christopher.

[68] So this could have been Conan Christopher needs a friend if I had listened to this woman.

[69] That's interesting.

[70] I don't know.

[71] Conan's so rare that it kind of cancels it out.

[72] Yes, that's what I always thought.

[73] And it aligns with Conan No, Brian.

[74] My dad actually thought about these things a lot.

[75] He wanted all of our names to elide.

[76] Because the last name was O 'Brien, he wanted it to end on a consonant.

[77] This is the kind of stuff my dad thought about.

[78] I get it.

[79] Yeah, if you were to go.

[80] He never fed us.

[81] We never got food.

[82] But boy, does my first and last name Eliad.

[83] Thanks, Dad.

[84] But what's he got against alliteration?

[85] Because if you're Conan Christopher, that's got a nice ring to it as well.

[86] Yeah, but I think Conan O 'Brien, it just flows right through.

[87] Yeah.

[88] Conan.

[89] No, an N into a C doesn't, isn't as good as an N into an O. Yeah.

[90] Conan Orion.

[91] Secretly, the only reason I've had a long career in show business is because my first and last name of Flo.

[92] That's the only reason we've looked into it.

[93] People don't like my comment.

[94] And they really don't find me amusing.

[95] I'm an irritant.

[96] But they're just like, oh my God, Conan, no, Ryan.

[97] Yeah, your name, when you really take it on its own, doesn't quite prepare you for what you're going to get.

[98] Right.

[99] Exactly.

[100] Exactly.

[101] Exactly.

[102] I mean, enema sounds nice, you know, and then you have one and you're like, I don't ever want to do that again.

[103] And pulcritude sounds horrible.

[104] Exactly.

[105] It means beauty.

[106] Yes, yes.

[107] This is wonderful.

[108] Oh, by the way, if you're wondering why this conversation is so boring.

[109] No, no. Or why Sona is so quiet.

[110] It's because she wasn't able to join us for the intro or the show.

[111] She's on her way.

[112] And she's going to be here for the interview.

[113] But she couldn't be here.

[114] I don't know what she's up to.

[115] You know, she's kind of very different.

[116] life now.

[117] And that's why you also don't hear crinkling bags of snacks.

[118] Yeah, she usually has these crinkly bags of snacks.

[119] Yeah, that's true.

[120] Can they make a non -crinkle bag for podcasts?

[121] They should.

[122] So you're eating Fritos.

[123] Out of a cotton bag.

[124] Out of a cotton bag.

[125] We should market that because, you know, there are so many podcasts.

[126] There's hundreds and hundreds of thousands of podcasts.

[127] Everyone's eating snacks.

[128] We could market bags.

[129] that you put your snacks in that are made of a very soft cotton.

[130] That's not a bad idea.

[131] And you know what else is a good idea is we mentioned Jennifer Garner's pouch food for children.

[132] And that's a perfect podcast food too because it's quiet and you kind of just suck it like Soylent Green.

[133] Yes.

[134] Sending some more packs, by the way.

[135] I'm telling you, Gwurley, I don't know much, but I know that this is a money -making idea.

[136] Yeah.

[137] Soft cotton pouches so that podcast hosts can enjoy snacks while they're podcasting.

[138] without that crinkle.

[139] A little snack purse.

[140] A little snack purse that we market.

[141] And let's face it, no one else is going to be able to copy this idea.

[142] No one else can make something out of cotton that holds chips or fritos.

[143] We'll patent it.

[144] Exactly.

[145] We'll patent it.

[146] It's a bag made of cotton.

[147] It's brilliant.

[148] The government, U .S. government and the patent office will back us all the way.

[149] And we do is we put the Conan O 'Brien needs a friend logo on there and it says, you know, official podcast snack purse.

[150] Yes.

[151] Yes.

[152] These will be available soon.

[153] If you see someone eating out, of a cotton bag that doesn't have the Conan O 'Brien logo on it, you know that it's a bootleg.

[154] Smack it out of their hand.

[155] Smack it out of their hand and then physically attack them.

[156] Yeah, and don't worry about someone seeing you do it because no one will hear you do it.

[157] Yeah.

[158] And so they won't.

[159] When you smack, when you smack this soft cotton bag out of someone's hand, it's going to make this sound.

[160] Yeah, yeah.

[161] That's it.

[162] You want to hear it again?

[163] Yeah.

[164] What?

[165] I didn't hear anything.

[166] You bastard, that's a bootleg cotton bag.

[167] I'll show you.

[168] That was my grandmother's diamonds.

[169] Oh, I'm sorry.

[170] I thought you were eating, I thought you were eating corn chips out of a bootleg cone in cotton bag.

[171] No, I was eating diamonds.

[172] You were eating?

[173] Wait a minute.

[174] Why are you eating?

[175] Is this Marathon Man?

[176] Is this the ending of Marathon Man?

[177] Why are you eating diamonds out of a cotton bag?

[178] What's your problem?

[179] And your grandmother's diamonds yet?

[180] What kind of sick freak are you?

[181] Good question.

[182] You know, I've never thought about it.

[183] I have a real problem.

[184] That's your improv?

[185] Good question.

[186] I've never thought about it.

[187] I've got a problem.

[188] You're right.

[189] Thank you for pointing it out.

[190] I appreciate that.

[191] That's funny.

[192] I love to see you in an improv show and that's what you do every time.

[193] Wait a minute.

[194] A telephone that's really a banana.

[195] What are you doing?

[196] You're right.

[197] It never occurred to me. I have a problem.

[198] And scene.

[199] Curtain comes down.

[200] Why would I try to call someone on a banana?

[201] That's the ninth sketch you ended in a row, Gorley, with, you're right, I have a problem.

[202] The world is upside down.

[203] All right.

[204] Okay.

[205] We got to get into this.

[206] Oh, and I should mention we had a lot of fun in this episode.

[207] It went long, which is a good thing.

[208] It's a good problem.

[209] But because of that, we will not have the usual banter with Sona and Gorley that so delights America and parts of Norway and the rest of the Netherlands.

[210] All right.

[211] Well, let's get started.

[212] I'm delighted.

[213] This, you know, we say Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[214] This gentleman is my friend, and I've known him for a long time, and I adore him.

[215] My guest today is a hilarious comedian, a good friend of mine.

[216] He was a cast member on Saturday Night Live and starred in the Showtime series Weeds.

[217] Now he has a new book.

[218] I exaggerate my brushes with fame.

[219] He's been on our program before, and he's a favorite.

[220] So I'm so thrilled he's back.

[221] I'm so excited.

[222] He's here.

[223] Kevin Neelan, welcome.

[224] Listen to me. All right.

[225] You often come to me and ask me for favors, and I always do them.

[226] You know what, you're right.

[227] Is that true?

[228] Is that true?

[229] Every time I ask you, oh, he's going to draw the line here.

[230] He's not going to do this.

[231] And yet, time and time again.

[232] I met you in the woods to shoot your Kevin Neillan takes a walk.

[233] It's hiking with Kevin.

[234] Thank you.

[235] Oh, sorry.

[236] I think because subliminally, I wish you would take a walk.

[237] To shoot this, your podcast, you had me meet you early in the morning, and you trudged me all around the place, and I thought I was a real good sport about it.

[238] Take you, stop sipping.

[239] What are you sipping?

[240] Tell me something I don't know.

[241] Okay.

[242] You don't think I knew you weren't a good sport?

[243] You use me. You used me all the time.

[244] I do.

[245] And then you act as if you're obligated to be here on the podcast today.

[246] I don't act like it.

[247] I am obligated.

[248] No, you're here to promote your book.

[249] I'm helping you get the word.

[250] I brought the book because I thought you would have some nice reading material here since it's so slow.

[251] I don't know that you're a good friend.

[252] I honestly don't.

[253] And there's pictures in there, too, if you don't feel like reading.

[254] Okay.

[255] We're going to get to the book because I have some problems with the book, namely it's all these iconic people in television that you've worked with.

[256] And okay, now he's doing visual bits.

[257] That's not a visual bit at all.

[258] Yeah, you're drinking coffee with a straw while you drink water out of a glass.

[259] You can replay this.

[260] You'll hear it's audible.

[261] I was slurping the saw, the straw.

[262] All right, come on, let's get down to it here, man. You know, you...

[263] You think I could stay here all day?

[264] No, I don't think so.

[265] I don't think you should stay here all day.

[266] So, yeah, you went on the hike with me. I appreciate that.

[267] The show's Hiking with Kevin is premiering October 27th as the new season four.

[268] How did you think our episode went?

[269] I haven't edited it yet, but I'll fix it in post.

[270] Fix it?

[271] I thought it was fantastic.

[272] You were good.

[273] You lagged behind a little bit, if I recall correctly.

[274] Well, you kept making me stop because you had a drone that you brought that you operated to get overhead shots.

[275] You kept making me stop so that you could unfold and then apparently for the first time work this fucking drone to take overhead shots of us taking a walk because everyone wants to see the top of our heads while we walk through a forest.

[276] And then you'd say, stop, stop, turn around.

[277] Okay, come back this way now.

[278] Come back.

[279] Now look like you're looking to the right.

[280] Now look like you're looking to the left.

[281] Now come forward.

[282] And we were on a public path, and it's very clear that you're not allowed to have drones in this area.

[283] And old ladies were coming by on their morning hike.

[284] And you'd say, watch out, watch out, watch out.

[285] And they'd be like, oh, always.

[286] Is it a hawk?

[287] No, no, not a hawk.

[288] Keep moving through.

[289] Come on, let's go, ladies.

[290] It was the least pleasant hike I've ever taken.

[291] How dare you?

[292] How dare I?

[293] I went out of my way to have a hike with you because I felt bad for you.

[294] And obviously, you had no exercise.

[295] No, no, the drone is really a great addition.

[296] That's like you having a mic for your show.

[297] I don't see what the drone added.

[298] I'm not finished with the defense of the drone.

[299] The drone is amazing.

[300] And it's amazing to watch and editing.

[301] I'm serious about this because the guests are just standing around like, they're checking their phone.

[302] Yes, because you bully them.

[303] But you take a look.

[304] You take a look.

[305] You see the increased value and attraction to the show from the drone.

[306] Okay, well, it stops.

[307] Every time we got a nice conversation going, you would say, hold it, stop, unpack this metallic suitcase, unwind and, you know, fold this drone.

[308] What nice conversation you're talking about?

[309] We had some nice chats going on, I thought.

[310] I thought we had a nice comedic role going, and you kept stopping it.

[311] I think when we said goodbye to each other, that was a nice conversation.

[312] You said, thanks, this'll do, turned on your heels.

[313] I said, thanks, this will barely do.

[314] This will barely do.

[315] That's right.

[316] And then I think you went and had coffee with the drone.

[317] I think you...

[318] You know where that drone is?

[319] You know where that drone is right now?

[320] Where?

[321] It's in some dumpster, because I crashed it.

[322] I crashed it into a tree, and it was like a high tree, and it was falling, hitting branch by branch.

[323] And I'm thinking to myself, as it's falling, okay, it might be okay, it might be okay.

[324] And there's one rock under that tree, one big rock, and it hit that rock.

[325] And it just scattered everywhere.

[326] Yeah, well, we should, this is all hiking with Kevin.

[327] Hiking with Kevin's a terrific show.

[328] No, it's a great show.

[329] It's a great show.

[330] And, you know, I get different guests like yourself, And I think when you're hiking outside, people let their guard down.

[331] Not you, though, but most people let their guard down.

[332] And they're very, you know, forthcoming.

[333] Yeah.

[334] I had trouble putting my guard down because I kept dodging the drone as it got very close to my face.

[335] Do you want to hear a true story?

[336] I was hiking.

[337] Finally, yeah, sure.

[338] Okay, forget it.

[339] No, no, let's go.

[340] Let's hear a true story.

[341] I was hiking with Kim Basinger.

[342] And I almost flew the drone into her face.

[343] Oh, God.

[344] Can you imagine if I had done that, how fast I would have been.

[345] running out of there?

[346] Well, that's the other thing.

[347] I think your instinct shouldn't have been to run.

[348] It would be to help Kim in that moment and give her, I call her Kim because we're close.

[349] And name a star, I'm not close with.

[350] How many people do you know?

[351] Have you ever counted?

[352] Very few.

[353] No, you've been everywhere.

[354] I've been everywhere and I've met everyone.

[355] And you, and who do I know?

[356] Who do I really know?

[357] I mean, I've met a lot of people.

[358] But you're not that friendly.

[359] are you look at me i think i am looking at you i think i one minute look at me i think i am a friendly fellow i really do sona jump in do you think i'm a friendly fellow i want to take kevin's side okay you know what we're going to do first of all you're not a fellow we're going to um we're going to just pretend i didn't throw it to sona or is there a way we can edit in a you sure are boss how do why did you think that would turn out differently i don't know i think i am a friendly chaperoo i really do you think you're a good listener?

[360] I didn't hear a word.

[361] I have tintanitis.

[362] It's the straw bits.

[363] They're getting to be the straw bits are fantastic.

[364] Do you have a good memory?

[365] I think I do.

[366] Sure.

[367] All right.

[368] And you're a good listener?

[369] I'm a good listener.

[370] I'm going to give you a date.

[371] Okay.

[372] October 27.

[373] Mm -hmm.

[374] Yep.

[375] What's happening on that date?

[376] That is the date that you are doing something to help.

[377] you.

[378] I'm going to guess it's the date.

[379] Not just me, but other people as well.

[380] And I'll explain.

[381] Okay, go ahead.

[382] Well, what's the date first?

[383] Well, I think we both know that it's a day where Kevin Neelan is going to do a lot to get his own name out there and the guise of helping others.

[384] What is it?

[385] What is that?

[386] I don't know, honestly.

[387] Oh my God.

[388] Sonny, you know, right?

[389] No. It's a benefit.

[390] It's a Hiking with Kevin is premiering the fourth season.

[391] Oh, yeah, that's...

[392] Why do I even bother coming here?

[393] Can I say that again and we can drop that in?

[394] No, we can't.

[395] Because I want to make sure Kevin looks good.

[396] No. And yes, I do hike with people that are very nice to do it, and they don't complain or make me feel guilty.

[397] And it's helping them, too, because it's exercise.

[398] And I've started so many people on hiking.

[399] You know, people start hiking.

[400] I canceled my trainer to go hike with you and then standing in a forest while you assembled and disassembled the drone.

[401] So I got less exercise with you than I would have had I blown off the hiking with Kevin's show.

[402] And listen, people listening right now are thinking these two don't like each other.

[403] And I want to make it very clear.

[404] Oh, my God, not in the least sense.

[405] I want to make it very clear.

[406] I look at me. I love you.

[407] I love you more.

[408] If you should die today or even tomorrow, I would.

[409] Wait, is it today or tomorrow?

[410] I'd like to know.

[411] Hopefully today.

[412] No, I'm kidding.

[413] I love you.

[414] And I would really, I'm a little concerned about you because, I mean, I'm not kidding around.

[415] I said, who was I talking to the other day?

[416] Do you remember?

[417] I don't.

[418] I was thinking, that Conan, man, he just doesn't stop.

[419] What is he running from?

[420] Or what is he running to?

[421] What is he running to?

[422] Yeah.

[423] What is it that you're trying to do?

[424] What kind of void are you trying to fill?

[425] This is it.

[426] Look at me. Look at me. I'm looking at you.

[427] I'm looking at you.

[428] at you.

[429] I think that's an incredibly deep question.

[430] I think it's a fair question.

[431] I think like a lot of us, I have things to work out.

[432] You yourself famously don't connect.

[433] You often don't look at me over the years.

[434] You are a guy that internalizes a lot.

[435] How can I look at you when I read about you all the time and I see you everywhere, posters, billboards, you know, stickers, banksy pictures of you.

[436] on the side of like, you know, broken down buildings.

[437] Well, first of all, they put them on broken down buildings because they erase them if you put them on like a city bank.

[438] Yes, I suppose I've become somewhat of an iconic figure.

[439] Actually, you are iconic.

[440] I don't.

[441] You know, when you die, which may be soon.

[442] It's either today or tomorrow.

[443] I swear Banksy is going to do pictures of you everywhere.

[444] Yeah, I hope so.

[445] And you're going to be a legend one day.

[446] Mm -hmm.

[447] Not now.

[448] Some people say that I'm a legend right now, but don't you have to be dead to be a legend?

[449] I don't think so.

[450] I think you can be legendary while you're still alive.

[451] Yeah, legendary, but a legend, you think?

[452] Sure, yeah.

[453] And how so?

[454] Oh, God, he's taking another sip.

[455] You know, it's a visual, this is an audio medium and you're doing visual schick left and right.

[456] I'm not looking for laughs.

[457] I'm just behaving as I would.

[458] You know.

[459] In front of an iconic legend.

[460] I give you everything.

[461] opportunity.

[462] I try and connect with you.

[463] I'll tell you one thing you do that I do find very revealing.

[464] You tend, I get texts from you because you live around the corner from me. And the text say, I'm hiking past your house right now.

[465] Do you want to join me?

[466] But I don't get the text in real time and you give me no notice.

[467] So you refuse to make a plan to take a non -filmed hike with me. You'll take a hike and then you'll text me as you're walking past my house.

[468] I'm not filmed, but I do have the drone with me. But I'm curious about that.

[469] I think it's because you don't really want to take a walk with me. You want to look like you're making the effort, but you text as you're passing.

[470] I don't think you can make a plan to be social.

[471] First of all, you say I'm hiking past your house.

[472] You make it sound like we're in the woods and you live in a cottage, you know, up in some trail.

[473] But no, I'm just walking by your house.

[474] Was that gas you just had right now?

[475] No, what's happening right now?

[476] That was, I had gastric bypass this morning.

[477] This morning.

[478] Yeah, on the way over.

[479] And you still kept this appointment to be here.

[480] Do you know I was 350 pounds when I left my house today?

[481] I know that they took the walls down to get you out.

[482] Hey, what about those people that are those plus sizes that can't get out of bed?

[483] Yeah, stop.

[484] That's rough.

[485] Do they build the house around them?

[486] Is that how they get in there?

[487] No, I think the idea is that they gained the weight while they were in the house.

[488] Oh, I see.

[489] Yeah.

[490] I don't think a contractor comes in and builds the house around down.

[491] You don't think they came into the garage?

[492] Um, like me. You know, I'm...

[493] Seriously.

[494] Tell me about yourself.

[495] My name's Connor O 'Brien.

[496] I first met you.

[497] Oh, yeah.

[498] Saturday Night Live.

[499] Yeah.

[500] You were very nice to me. I famously told Lauren, you're my favorite cast member.

[501] I never knew that.

[502] Yeah, you did.

[503] I told you that.

[504] And he frowned.

[505] Famous cast member.

[506] In what way?

[507] You were my favorite cast member or stand -up?

[508] No, you're my favorite.

[509] cast member on SNO.

[510] I told Lauren that.

[511] He said, which is your favorite?

[512] And I said, I think I like Kevin the best because he's very tickety.

[513] Take it easy.

[514] See, I'm getting there.

[515] You can't even let me compliment you.

[516] I said a lot of nice things about you.

[517] I feel uncomfortable.

[518] I feel uncomfortable when someone's talking nicely about me. Okay.

[519] Well, let's go back to the other way.

[520] I'll tell you why, because deep down you know you're not worthy of it.

[521] Wow, that is so true.

[522] Yeah.

[523] You know that you're just bully.

[524] But when I came here, I thought, when I came to your show, I thought to myself, this is a show I am worthy for.

[525] Yeah.

[526] Even though everything else, am I worthy?

[527] You finally found a bar low enough.

[528] Good for you.

[529] You have the most upscale podcast studio.

[530] I mean, these cameras on the wall, got a two -way mirror over there.

[531] Who knows who's behind that?

[532] Whom or whose?

[533] It's a jury of your peers.

[534] sitting behind that.

[535] You ever do jury duty?

[536] I've tried, but they always asked me to leave.

[537] Really?

[538] Yeah.

[539] And what if you're the defendant and you leave?

[540] No. If you're the defendant, you have to stay.

[541] That's another bit with the straw.

[542] Have you done jury duty?

[543] No, I've tried many times.

[544] Yeah, they don't like it when a known person is on the jury sometimes.

[545] They think it's distracting.

[546] So you did jury or no?

[547] I tried.

[548] several times in New York and L .A. I heard it's fun.

[549] Sona, you've done jury duty and you really like it.

[550] I love it.

[551] I've been on a jury twice.

[552] Really?

[553] Yeah, once was a hung jury.

[554] The second one was guilty and it was, it's fun.

[555] You get an hour and a half for lunch.

[556] You could leave at 4 .30, you know, get there at 10 .30.

[557] This is what they had in mind when they set up our judicial system with Sonas comfort and snack schedule.

[558] I ran into a cop once and I said, is it true?

[559] If you get a ticket.

[560] And you don't pay it.

[561] You say you want to go to court, the cops usually don't show up, especially on a holiday or close to a holiday.

[562] So when you got that DUI last time, you should have kept that in mind.

[563] What happened there?

[564] Did you have, you just had a mental, I think a synapse snapped right there.

[565] This is audible.

[566] No, and that happens, you should keep that in mind.

[567] Next time that happens, keep it in mind.

[568] Do you always make fun of people's, you know, inadequacies?

[569] I am now.

[570] You're falling apart.

[571] You're an ATM on the Fritz.

[572] What's happening, Kevin?

[573] Are you having a rough day?

[574] You know, I was driving over here, and I think, I can't wait to see Conan.

[575] I've changed my mind about that.

[576] I really have.

[577] Why is it that every time we come on here, it's just back and forth?

[578] Why can't we just be real?

[579] It's like a marriage.

[580] No. It's not.

[581] Speaking of which, your wife loved me. All right.

[582] Isn't she the best?

[583] I am so lucky.

[584] I'm so, so lucky.

[585] She's smart, she's funny, beautiful, talented.

[586] Talented.

[587] She's so supportive, unlike some people I know.

[588] I know.

[589] My wife never helps me out.

[590] Oh, golly's.

[591] Oh, is that what we were talking about?

[592] No. No, we both married well.

[593] You got to admit, we both did very well.

[594] We married, what do we call it up?

[595] We married up.

[596] Up, yeah.

[597] We both married up.

[598] Yeah.

[599] We're two guys that no one would probably want to hang out with for very long.

[600] I'm sorry.

[601] I'm including myself.

[602] Do you think you're, insecure basically.

[603] I'm serious right now.

[604] Do you think you're insecure?

[605] How do I know you're being serious?

[606] You're you're a shape shifter.

[607] I'm not stuttering.

[608] Wow.

[609] That's a good tell.

[610] Basically insecure.

[611] I think I have been in my life.

[612] I think less so now than I was maybe earlier in my life.

[613] You ever watch a daredele on the Disney Plus?

[614] I don't.

[615] You're the worst therapist.

[616] Wait a minute.

[617] Let's see where I'm going here.

[618] Yeah.

[619] Ask me why.

[620] Let's see what.

[621] Ask me why.

[622] I haven't seen the Daredevil on Disney Plus.

[623] Just called Daredevil.

[624] Okay, sorry.

[625] I haven't seen Daredevil on Disney Plus.

[626] That's like saying The Superman.

[627] Yeah, or The Batman.

[628] Oh, wait, that's what they call the Batman.

[629] Because they ran out of titles.

[630] Anyway.

[631] And let me tell you why I asked you about the Daredevil.

[632] I just started watching it.

[633] My son got me kind of hooked on it.

[634] It's just Daredevil.

[635] Daredevil, the TV show, is about a guy who was blinded as a child, but he has all the other senses are like increased, you know, super senses.

[636] That's why, when you asked me, what was it?

[637] What happened?

[638] Anyway, my sense, he's able to tell if somebody is nervous or scared just by listening.

[639] He can hear the heart rate.

[640] And that's what I did before, whenever it was, you said what it was to me. This is a total disaster.

[641] You terrible, I love it, you interrupt, you take over.

[642] And then you don't know where to go.

[643] And then you get lost.

[644] It's incredible.

[645] Nothing has happened yet.

[646] You realize we have been talking for about 20 minutes and I defy you, I defy our listeners to find three consecutive minutes that means anything that has any continuity that builds to any conclusion.

[647] If you have been listening to me, you would find a lot of continuity.

[648] But no, you're off on a rant about the drone, about me stuttering, about, you know, continuity issues.

[649] You're not listening.

[650] You're in your own little head.

[651] I'm going to try you again.

[652] Why is this date so important?

[653] October 27.

[654] It's when Hiking with Kevin premieres.

[655] Yes.

[656] Yeah.

[657] That's all you wanted to get to.

[658] What about let's talk about you have this book.

[659] Oh, now you're talking my talk.

[660] You're quite a good artist.

[661] And I think you did a series of really fantastic.

[662] Did you see these Sona?

[663] They're really...

[664] I'm seeing them now.

[665] They're incredible.

[666] They're amazing.

[667] You tell stories.

[668] You write these sort of essays about all these people that you've encountered in show business.

[669] And these are really fantastic.

[670] You guys are so nice.

[671] I'm sorry for what happened before.

[672] What I did...

[673] Yeah, now that I'm...

[674] You're happy when I'm promoting your wares.

[675] Really iconic people in here.

[676] Well, since this is audible, Conan is...

[677] looking at my new book that's coming out, October 25, Conan.

[678] It's called, I Exaggerate My Brushes with Fame.

[679] It's a collection.

[680] I started painting, well, I've done multimedia, started a couple of years ago, and I've always loved to draw.

[681] You're actually in the front of this.

[682] I saw.

[683] You're more of a sketch.

[684] Yeah, you didn't give me like a real portrait.

[685] No, I didn't, because I've seen a lot of caricatures of you, and I've been into your office, and there's so many paintings.

[686] I thought he won't even appreciate this.

[687] Oh, I would have.

[688] But look, this is one you did of me in 1992.

[689] Yeah.

[690] So this is before I got the late night show, and you did this character.

[691] That's in the front, yeah.

[692] That is great.

[693] And there's another one of you in there.

[694] Can you find it?

[695] And I remembered, no, I don't think there is.

[696] No, it's in the front.

[697] Huh.

[698] Yeah, it's like one of those.

[699] Anyway, I've loved.

[700] I've only seen one.

[701] I love to flip the page back.

[702] A beautiful woman.

[703] No, no, flip back.

[704] Back, back.

[705] Okay.

[706] No. No, I guess I'm wrong.

[707] How about go forward now?

[708] No, there's no other one of me. There's just that one.

[709] Oh, no, go back again.

[710] No, go forward.

[711] Okay, stop it.

[712] Anyway, so let me, you ask me, I'm going to tell you, I started, you know, I've been an artist most of my life.

[713] You know, I started doodling people when I was a really young kid.

[714] And then when I got to SNL during the table read, I would sketch people in the margin of the script that I wasn't in and I didn't care about.

[715] And whoever was sitting across from me, it could be Farley or Dana.

[716] And then I started sketching people on airplanes.

[717] see some of those sketches in the beginning.

[718] It's called I exaggerate.

[719] My brushes with fame.

[720] We've plugged that.

[721] We've plugged the book.

[722] Here's the cool thing about the book, Conan.

[723] It's going to make a great gift because it comes out around the holidays.

[724] But check with your doctor.

[725] Can I see something?

[726] Sona, and I'm going to ask Eduardo to jump in too.

[727] Have you guys noticed that he's completely incoherent when we're just trying to talk as normal human beings?

[728] But the minute He's promoting something.

[729] You are the most eloquent speaker since Winston Churchill.

[730] Suddenly, you are this great statesman, every thought, nuanced, and packed with meaning.

[731] The book also has antidotes next to each painting.

[732] And they're little anecdotes that kind of relate to the person that I've drawn.

[733] It's called anecdotes.

[734] You keep saying antidotes.

[735] No, anecdotes.

[736] Antidotes.

[737] Antidotes.

[738] There's medicine in there.

[739] That's what I'm saying.

[740] And there's a story that relates my history with that person, my experience, unless they don't know the person, i .e. Freddie Mercury, i .e. meaning that is.

[741] And although if it's a Freddie Mercury type, I will just reminisce about being in a garage band.

[742] Right.

[743] So you have people in here, you have obviously Gary Shandling, who you were very close to.

[744] And you know what's nice?

[745] You reprinted the eulogy you gave for Gary.

[746] I did, some of it.

[747] Which was really beautiful and funny and touching.

[748] One of the best I've ever heard.

[749] Thank you.

[750] So it's nice that that's in here.

[751] You've got an amazing Howard Stern.

[752] This Christopher Walken.

[753] Oh, yeah.

[754] That one jumped out.

[755] The painting is absolutely fantastic.

[756] He looks like a feral owl.

[757] He looks like a troll doll, almost.

[758] Yeah.

[759] You've got Schwarzenegger, who, of course, you worked with back in the day with Hans and Franz.

[760] Yeah, it's my friend.

[761] That is correct.

[762] We wrote the Hans and Franz movie.

[763] It was a musical.

[764] Yes.

[765] And it never was made.

[766] I have no memory.

[767] I remember us, I think, being on some lot, writing it together.

[768] You kept coming in, and at the time you were only drinking health shakes.

[769] I think you came in every day and you spent a lot of time mixing powders in a giant, like, baby bottle.

[770] Really?

[771] And then you would sip out of them and you wore a track suit.

[772] Oh, that's when I was training for the Olympics.

[773] That's right.

[774] Yeah, yeah.

[775] I never had a track suit in my life.

[776] You did.

[777] You wore a track suit.

[778] Anyway, we were...

[779] I remember you were lying on the couch with your shorts on, or maybe there were briefs, and you had no shirt on.

[780] I sketched you.

[781] I sketched you.

[782] It's true.

[783] It's true, and I was wearing...

[784] I remember this.

[785] I was wearing the locket that Kate Winslet has in Titanic.

[786] I remember that really well.

[787] That is true as well.

[788] Remember?

[789] And then we wanted to put it in a safe, and then you and I went running through the ship together.

[790] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[791] Well, an Irish music played.

[792] You're all about cash, are you?

[793] I need cash badly.

[794] I've made a...

[795] I don't really mean...

[796] I made some bad people.

[797] I don't really...

[798] I'm very comfortable where I am in life.

[799] My wife is from old crypto.

[800] So, you know, I don't really have to worry about it.

[801] You, uh, you're such an ass.

[802] You had one of my favorite moments on...

[803] our show that was spontaneous where you were out on the, we were chatting together on the show, you were paneling, you were talking, and suddenly there was a low on the conversation, things got quiet for just a second, and you looked around and you said, where is our waiter?

[804] I love that.

[805] You're so good with silences.

[806] I guess you'd have to be.

[807] You know, no kidding around, I'm used to silence.

[808] And as a stand -up comic, A season stand -up comic, I don't mind silence.

[809] As you're starting off, silence is bad because you're insecure and you feel like you have to keep going.

[810] I've been silenced for like a half hour on stage.

[811] People don't say anything because they know I'm formulating ideas and I'll be coming back strong with something.

[812] Or your mind is blank.

[813] Or I'm just blanking out.

[814] Yeah.

[815] Which is the most common reason.

[816] As we've seen today, yeah, that there could be issues.

[817] What do you really want to do?

[818] want to do, Conan.

[819] I'm being really serious.

[820] Are you happy with this?

[821] What's it a podcast?

[822] Is it a web series or a podcast?

[823] I think we'd call it a podcast.

[824] By the way, my hiking show airs on YouTube.

[825] Yeah, uh -huh.

[826] We've talked about you.

[827] No, we didn't talk about YouTube.

[828] On my own channel.

[829] I have a YouTube channel, believe it or not.

[830] Oh, congratulations.

[831] Are you happy with that?

[832] Very happy.

[833] Are you fulfilled?

[834] Are you fulfilled?

[835] You should be.

[836] You're one of the funniest people I know, you have, as I said, a lovely wife, a very good -looking, funny, intelligent son.

[837] You've got it all.

[838] You're right.

[839] Why do I come here?

[840] Well, you're here to see me, because I know you admire me. I know that you think I'm one of the all -time funniest people you've ever met.

[841] Now, that's just...

[842] You know, you really have to kind of...

[843] You really have to assess the situation.

[844] I have everything, yet I drive across town to come here because I worry about you.

[845] Oh, what are you worried about?

[846] Stress, your stress level?

[847] Have you had it like your, what's your blood pressure?

[848] My blood pressure is very good.

[849] I don't know the numbers.

[850] Because you take like 20 pills, right?

[851] No, I don't have high blood pressure.

[852] I went to my doctor a couple of days ago.

[853] True story, he took my blood pressure and this is what they always say.

[854] Wow, nice.

[855] That's what doctors always say about my blood pressure.

[856] I have very good blood pressure.

[857] What's bad about you?

[858] Well, I guess my intentions, my plans.

[859] How is your cholesterol?

[860] Clestrol's okay.

[861] It's pretty good.

[862] You never hear it wow nice about that?

[863] No, I don't hear it wow nice.

[864] You just hear it, wow.

[865] No, I hear, huh, okay.

[866] I had my, when I was on the Simpsons.

[867] Wait for applause.

[868] Okay.

[869] And I worked on the Simpsons.

[870] They had a cholesterol, a van came to the, fox lot and everyone got a free cholesterol test and everyone went and got their cholesterol and i got mine i was i think 24 it was so high that the nurse offered to walk me back to the office yeah it was like practically 300 what happened why was it that high uh i think just uh i was uh very um and it's funny it doesn't really i don't think runs in my family so uh they and then someone told me that stress now you remember me back in the day.

[871] I was a tightly wound.

[872] Very tightly wound guy who would rub my fingers together.

[873] I was burning.

[874] I was a burning coal.

[875] You have no fingerprints anymore.

[876] You've rubbed them so many times.

[877] That's why I've committed so many successful murders.

[878] But I believe that stress was a big part of it.

[879] Oh, definitely.

[880] But I'm much better now.

[881] And it's not genetic.

[882] No, I don't think it's genetic.

[883] Does it run in your family?

[884] No, I said that earlier and you weren't listening.

[885] What is the age, because we're talking about life and disease, so I'm not just springing a different topic on you.

[886] What is the age where people don't ask when somebody dies, what happened?

[887] You know, it's like, is it 82?

[888] I think you've got to be well into your 80s now.

[889] People live longer.

[890] Everyone says what happened.

[891] My brother Neil will say what happened if, you know, Norman Lear just turned 100.

[892] If he lives another seven years and then passes away quietly in his sleep, and I call my brother Neil and say, Norman Lear passed away at 107.

[893] Neil's going to go, what happened?

[894] Oh, he's like the only person.

[895] He does that.

[896] He does that every time.

[897] And I say, well, he was on his motorcycle.

[898] And he ran into an Exxon tank and it exploded.

[899] Yeah.

[900] I mean, I don't know what he wants from me. But he always says, what happened?

[901] Yeah.

[902] The person can be 95, 98.

[903] What happened?

[904] What happened?

[905] Well, I think it's maybe 85 now.

[906] So essentially, you could kill somebody over 85.

[907] You can murder them and nobody will investigate.

[908] That's not true.

[909] Don't, I want to be a responsible.

[910] For my experience, it is.

[911] No, I want to be a responsible podcaster, and I want to say that that's not the case, that when the police show up and there's an 88 -year -old lying there and there's a chainsaw halfway through their head and a note that says, I finally got you, ha -ha, enjoy hell, they're going to investigate.

[912] They're going to investigate.

[913] That's all natural causes right there.

[914] Not natural causes.

[915] The note is not in the victim's handwriting.

[916] and there's a P .S. that says, I love to murder.

[917] Could be a comic.

[918] Okay, got it.

[919] Take a break.

[920] We'll be right back.

[921] Listen, you've met them all.

[922] You've met them all.

[923] You've met Johnny Carson, obviously, and you got to be a guest on Carson's show.

[924] Of course, there are a lot of young people that don't understand the significance of that, but that was a very different time.

[925] If you went on Johnny Carson, it was a huge deal, and you were sort of anointed a star by just by being on his show.

[926] Yeah, you know, it's funny because Johnny Carson, can we be serious?

[927] Johnny Carson was like the guy, the talk show king.

[928] He was the only one, really.

[929] He validated you as a comic.

[930] Yeah.

[931] And you'd have that on the top of your bio, you know?

[932] And then as time went by, you lower it down the list of things you've done.

[933] And then all of a sudden you take it off because it dates you.

[934] Yeah.

[935] And so Johnny Carson is no longer on my resume.

[936] Really?

[937] I'd keep it on forever.

[938] Do your resume?

[939] I do.

[940] I refresh it every day.

[941] Eight by ten?

[942] Yeah.

[943] We're always ready to go.

[944] I have one in my trunk of my car, just in case.

[945] Things hit the fan.

[946] Who was the first famous celebrity you ever met or saw?

[947] Let's see.

[948] I want to say it was James Coburn.

[949] I think we talked about this on an earlier episode of the podcast.

[950] I'd be not about listening.

[951] Oh.

[952] I was a kid, and he was James Coburn.

[953] He was the best.

[954] He was shooting a movie.

[955] Charades?

[956] No. He was shooting.

[957] the movie.

[958] Just trying to help you?

[959] You're not really.

[960] And they were shooting a scene outside my dad's hospital and my dad brought us all down to watch and, uh, why was your dad in the hospital?

[961] What would he have?

[962] He's a doctor.

[963] Oh, he's a doctor.

[964] Yeah, he had a career there.

[965] That's what he had.

[966] And, um, yeah, my dad was in the hospital, clinging to life, saw James Coburn.

[967] And he was not dragged out of, dragged himself out of the hospital, uh, and, and made us all come.

[968] And then went back to his operation.

[969] But anyway, we watched James Coburn.

[970] He, he, he, he was not, he, he dragged out of, he, had to walk up to a car and all he had to do was open the car door and get in and he went to do it and the car door was locked and he couldn't get in and then I watched the crew spend 45 minutes with a coat hanger trying to open it and I thought this is the business I want to be in this is magic do you want to know who I saw not really I think I'm good do you know somebody asks you a question they really want you to ask them it oh I know I know I don't care who you saw no no I'm going to play along.

[971] Like somebody, sometimes somebody will say, wait, I'll get to it.

[972] Sometimes somebody will say to me, what do you, what do you, what do you, if you can improve anything with me, what do you think it should be?

[973] What they really want to say is, I'd like to improve some things about you.

[974] Ask me, you know, ask me to, you know, what you would like.

[975] The first celebrity I've ever seen, or famous person was John F. Kennedy, believe it or not.

[976] How'd you see John F. Kennedy?

[977] I was probably seven at the time, and we lived in Germany.

[978] And he was, I guess, on his way to Berlin, And he was in...

[979] To give the famous speech.

[980] He'd been in...

[981] Why do you keep interrupting me?

[982] See, what goes around, comes around.

[983] So we were at this Air Force base because we knew he was going to be there and everybody was there and he drove by in that Lincoln, that convertible Lincoln, he was waving.

[984] And we actually have a movie an 8mm of him.

[985] You're kidding.

[986] Yeah.

[987] Color of black and white.

[988] We colorized it.

[989] Nicely done.

[990] Nicely done.

[991] With Kranz.

[992] With Kranz.

[993] Now, let me. Let me finish.

[994] Did you say Cron's?

[995] Crayons.

[996] Cranes.

[997] No, what's wrong with you?

[998] It's Crayons.

[999] How do you say O F -T -E -N?

[1000] Often.

[1001] Often.

[1002] No. It's off -10.

[1003] No, no one says that.

[1004] How could it be crayons and not often?

[1005] Okay.

[1006] The second celebrity I saw was Carrie Grant at the JFK.

[1007] He was on the back of a golf cart.

[1008] Oh, I thought you said he was chasing JFK.

[1009] You thought I said, because you weren't listening again.

[1010] I thought JFK drove by and then Jay and Garragam was running behind him.

[1011] Hold on a minute.

[1012] JFK, it's me, Carrie God.

[1013] Judy, Judy, Judy.

[1014] Give a fella a lift.

[1015] Pretty good impression, huh?

[1016] What was the first impression?

[1017] You ever did?

[1018] I think it was you trying to finish a sentence.

[1019] I'm going to, let's take a, I'm going to do something here that I've never done before.

[1020] Eduardo, I want you to step in because you're a neutral observer here and I want you to do I know there's more to come with this gentleman Kevin Ewan, I'm looking at the page, yeah, Kevin Eland I want you to do give us like the forensics on what's happened here so far like an autopsy seriously, give us Why don't you have Sonia?

[1021] No, no I just I want because Sona's gonna like She likes to, I'm gonna get Conan You know, I think it's all Conan's fault do me a favor and tell me what you think has happened here so far today.

[1022] A beautiful train wreck.

[1023] This is a mess.

[1024] This is a mess.

[1025] Wait a minute.

[1026] This is not the Eduardo I know.

[1027] Edwardo, right?

[1028] Am I right about this?

[1029] It's like when you're going down the freeway and the accident happened on the other side of the freeway and you just can't take your eyes off of you.

[1030] You know you shouldn't be looking, but you just can't take your eyes off of it.

[1031] Which one of us can't you take your eyes off of?

[1032] I mean, between your screen, straw bits.

[1033] Yeah, the straw bits are getting me every single time.

[1034] Also, I'm not going to just blame you.

[1035] Both of you are, I have tried.

[1036] Don't be so defensive.

[1037] Now, wait a minute.

[1038] Conning, you're defensive.

[1039] I have tried several times to bring us back to a, a. No, you haven't.

[1040] No, not at all.

[1041] And, you know, I didn't say I tried hard.

[1042] You're both there.

[1043] It's his show.

[1044] Suddenly you're the mom with twins.

[1045] You're the mom with twins saying.

[1046] I'm suddenly concerned about my cholesterol.

[1047] Sona, it's his show.

[1048] He should be.

[1049] in control.

[1050] You're right.

[1051] This is a, this is an absolute Jackson Pollock.

[1052] There's paint splattered everywhere, but someone's going to offer to pay $35 million for this.

[1053] Let's go back and try it again and be serious.

[1054] Okay.

[1055] How are you, Kevin?

[1056] How you doing?

[1057] I'm fine.

[1058] Thank you, Conan.

[1059] You know, you want me to ask you that, don't you?

[1060] Which question?

[1061] The one, how are you?

[1062] Because you asked me that.

[1063] I know you want to hear it.

[1064] Why did you do that right away?

[1065] You couldn't.

[1066] Now, you did that.

[1067] You did that.

[1068] No, I haven't, I did not do it.

[1069] You're, um, nothing I've done.

[1070] I've done.

[1071] to see if there's anything here that I can ask you but it's all a waste of time I have through notes I just love that of one no because there's no point with him the funniest part of my day today is when Maddie handed me notes for Kevin Nealin and I thought notes for Kevin Nealyn that's like oh here's some simple questions that you could ask Charles Manson and he'd be like he bop too many with a Sasquatch on the half shell Yeah, so anyway, you were born in Minnesota.

[1072] Pibba -bop, bop, bach, shibut -a -boo.

[1073] I'm coming action, nice style.

[1074] So that's what I'm dealing with.

[1075] I'm dealing with a total, you are a random ionized molecule zipping around.

[1076] I don't know what to do with you.

[1077] Let me give you two days.

[1078] October 25, October 27.

[1079] October 25 would be the release of the book.

[1080] Yeah, what's the book called?

[1081] It's called I Exaggerate, My Brushes with Fame.

[1082] Yeah, hardcover.

[1083] Available everywhere?

[1084] You could pre -order it now, as a matter of fact.

[1085] Well, I wouldn't.

[1086] And there's also signed editions.

[1087] Go ahead.

[1088] I've got a free one.

[1089] When it's the Hiking Show premiere?

[1090] October 27th, 2022.

[1091] You get to see amateur drone shots of Conan O 'Brien and Kevin Neillan taken from, I think, 35 ,000 feet.

[1092] So if you can spot us, God bless you.

[1093] And if you stick around the drone crashes, because it's operated by the star of the show, which is absurd.

[1094] I don't know why you don't have someone else.

[1095] helping you.

[1096] Why don't you have someone helping you?

[1097] I say the same thing about you.

[1098] Why don't you have some help?

[1099] Ask for help.

[1100] You need help.

[1101] I am surrounded by help.

[1102] No, no, no. What do you mean?

[1103] Like Eduardo said, he considers you a wreck, a car wreck.

[1104] No, no. He was talking about you.

[1105] Right, Eduardo?

[1106] Not quite what I meant to it.

[1107] What do you want from these conversations?

[1108] Okay, that's more like I want to hear from you.

[1109] I want to get down to it.

[1110] Okay.

[1111] And, Finally, you've cracked the shell a little bit.

[1112] Okay.

[1113] What do you want from our friendship?

[1114] Because we are friends.

[1115] I do care about you.

[1116] I want more time with you.

[1117] It's like every time I call you to go for a hike or walk, you call me at the last minute.

[1118] But you have to admit, you do contact me as you're walking past my house.

[1119] Why not even give me a half hour's head notice or the night before saying...

[1120] Because I'm spontaneous.

[1121] That's how life is.

[1122] You live in the moment.

[1123] If you're living in the moment, you can't plan ahead.

[1124] Mm -hmm.

[1125] Mm -hmm.

[1126] How do you make restaurants?

[1127] not reservations.

[1128] I have somebody else to live for me. They don't live in the moment.

[1129] So you can only live in the moment.

[1130] What if you had your lovely wife make the plan and then I could be standing out front ready to go on the walk?

[1131] Here's the problem.

[1132] We both live in the moment.

[1133] That's why we're right for each other.

[1134] If you lived in the moment, you would be available.

[1135] And sometimes you tell me you're not home and I walk by, I see your truck out there.

[1136] That hayseed truck that you drive i drive it well you know that i clean pools on the side i've got a lot of things going on i've got a lot of businesses going what was the first job you ever had i remember i was a male model when i was 16 is that true yeah it was very good looking when i was young very good looking what happened oh seriously what happened uh i think my first job was uh i was a camp counselor when i was like oh that's a nice job i think that's a good job I didn't love it.

[1137] I didn't love it.

[1138] A lot of standing in the sun, which isn't good for me. It smelled like someone was cooking bacon and looking after these kids who seemed ungrateful.

[1139] What was the last surgery you ever had?

[1140] Seriously.

[1141] I think my appendicitis.

[1142] My appendix was removed, probably 1975, something like that.

[1143] I was seven when I had my removed.

[1144] I lived in Germany at the time.

[1145] You said Germany, yeah.

[1146] JFK removed it.

[1147] I just have to remind you.

[1148] Stay still and oh, yeah.

[1149] I will remove this app, abandix.

[1150] When I returned to the car, Caroline was gone.

[1151] Okay, I don't know what you're talking about now.

[1152] Do you remember that album?

[1153] Uh -huh.

[1154] The first family?

[1155] Yep.

[1156] Yeah, that's what they said on there.

[1157] I'll go down at the end of the dock.

[1158] We'll meet you for water skis.

[1159] So I was in a German hospital.

[1160] I think you're thinking of Von Meter.

[1161] Is that correct?

[1162] The famous and, yeah, okay.

[1163] So I was seven and...

[1164] Unusable.

[1165] All of this is unusable.

[1166] Side pain, if anyone was interested.

[1167] And they took me to a German hospital.

[1168] And back then, they didn't have anesthesia.

[1169] They gave you ether.

[1170] They put a mask on.

[1171] Yeah.

[1172] And they breathed in the ether.

[1173] And I could still remember the smell of that, how horrible it was.

[1174] Yeah.

[1175] And I woke up a couple hours later, and I was in bed, and they had newspapers under me because I was still kind of like oozing fluid and blood.

[1176] Do you guys have ordering lunch or anything?

[1177] No, I don't, we're not getting you lunch for that story.

[1178] So you had your appendix removed And they gave you ether, powerful ether You know, a side effect of ether Is a long -term inability to complete a thought Did you know that?

[1179] I had no idea.

[1180] Yeah, it's terrible.

[1181] But I will tell you this, I went for a physical about a month ago.

[1182] Who cares about the time schedule?

[1183] You know, every comic goes, you know, the other day or yesterday I did, on Tuesday, last year, nobody cares about the date.

[1184] So getting back to what I was going to say before you interrupted me, I went to get a physical and you know when you get a physical you sit in the doctor's office and he goes to the computer about all the elements you've had over the years in surgeries and I'm telling you I sat there for like a half hour he's going okay you had torn bicep muscles hernia appendicitis you had your hip replaced you had a benign tumor in your neck and after a while I'm going okay that's enough okay can we just stop right there you've had a lot to be honest I've had a lot of stuff a lot of health scares happened to you.

[1185] I had one or two health scares because I was a mountain climber, rock climber, solo, free solo.

[1186] And then he goes, okay, well, let's just check the medications you're taking.

[1187] Okay, and the same thing, like a long list.

[1188] And I'm thinking, how am I still alive?

[1189] Yeah.

[1190] Take a break, we'll be right back.

[1191] No, no, we're not taking a break.

[1192] You've had a lot of health scares.

[1193] You have.

[1194] Mostly from you.

[1195] That's not true.

[1196] That's not true.

[1197] I'm going to keep you on track.

[1198] You've brushed up with mortality many times.

[1199] I have.

[1200] I'm a risk taker.

[1201] No, you just get sick a lot.

[1202] You didn't take any risks, and you're not a mountain climber.

[1203] You just, your body's falling apart all the time, and then they stitch you back together.

[1204] I thought he was serious about mountain climber.

[1205] Nothing he says.

[1206] Eduardo, did you know that he was lying?

[1207] I thought he was a mountain climber.

[1208] No, you're not a fucking mountain climber.

[1209] Why do you expose me like this?

[1210] Why do you expose me and embarrass me?

[1211] Because people are listening to this, and I think of myself.

[1212] as a journalist, someone who's here to get the truth.

[1213] Does anybody else think of you as a journalist?

[1214] Not yet.

[1215] But in time, when I go to journalism school, you, again...

[1216] You don't need to refer to the notes.

[1217] I'm going to tear up these notes because it's ridiculous.

[1218] Save those for John Lovitz.

[1219] You know, jealous?

[1220] Acting.

[1221] Do you keep up with Lovitz?

[1222] Not really.

[1223] He did call me a couple months ago because we had to talk to my, Yang, calling you, say hi.

[1224] Oh, that's good.

[1225] Oh, that was Schneider.

[1226] That was Rob Schneider, you know, yeah.

[1227] I don't do an impression.

[1228] So, Lovett's called you as Schneider.

[1229] No. Sorry.

[1230] Sorry to be, say something that wasn't quite true.

[1231] Who do you hope calls you?

[1232] Who are you, like, disappointed that doesn't call you?

[1233] Not to ask for a hike as I walk in by your house, but just to say hi, how you doing?

[1234] I do it a lot lately.

[1235] I'll call people out of the blue and say, hey, man, I'm just thinking about you.

[1236] That's nice.

[1237] Yeah.

[1238] I do that sometimes.

[1239] When?

[1240] I do.

[1241] I do.

[1242] When I'm driving, actually when I'm driving in L .A. is a really nice time to just say, you know what?

[1243] I haven't talked to this person for a while and say, stop sipping a drink every time I'm real.

[1244] It's got a metal straw.

[1245] It's a sabotage.

[1246] Don't you guys have any real straws here?

[1247] Every time I try to be real, he does a big exaggerated slurp on his ice coffee.

[1248] Yeah, we see.

[1249] You've been doing nothing but shit.

[1250] It's a metal straw.

[1251] Why don't you have something like that's not metal here?

[1252] Because we're trying to save the the environment.

[1253] Well, what about the metal?

[1254] The metal can always be melted down later on and used to make a bullet, so don't worry about it.

[1255] What happens when they melt the metal?

[1256] It goes into the air, the toxicity.

[1257] I don't know what you're talking about.

[1258] And you know what, frankly, you don't know what you're talking about.

[1259] What was the last time you were a tux?

[1260] I won't do it anymore.

[1261] All right.

[1262] One time.

[1263] At some point, Edwardo, think of yourself as the referee.

[1264] You can step in at some point and you can say enough.

[1265] Okay, we're almost there.

[1266] I mean, because this is, you're not just damaging yourself, you're damaging me. Is Eduardo also your driver?

[1267] No, what are you talking about?

[1268] What, I mean, how could you have people on this show?

[1269] There's nothing to do.

[1270] What do you mean there's nothing to do?

[1271] Do you need judges?

[1272] Eduardo is a, Eduardo set up this studio, this beautiful studio.

[1273] He is a sound technician, engineer.

[1274] He did a beautiful job constructing this place that works beautifully so that we could conduct.

[1275] That's not a big deal.

[1276] So that we could conduct.

[1277] we could conduct cohesive, coherent interviews.

[1278] Let's try one right now.

[1279] We've tried.

[1280] You haven't tried.

[1281] I've been trying since I got here.

[1282] We should put you guys on the clock.

[1283] See if you could do like three minutes straight.

[1284] All right.

[1285] Time us.

[1286] And seriously, Kevin, will you try?

[1287] I'm not, I don't have to try.

[1288] I will do.

[1289] Okay.

[1290] Let's try it.

[1291] You have to try.

[1292] You're going to set a clock?

[1293] There we go.

[1294] You have to try.

[1295] On your mark?

[1296] Get a set.

[1297] You never try.

[1298] You never.

[1299] You've known a lot of funny people, Kevin.

[1300] tell me who are some of your who do you think was the all -time funniest I mean I know that you have a very close to Gary Shanling you got to meet Carson and Steve Martin who's your all -time one person at the very top first of all thank you for your question it's funny you should ask that because I was just thinking about a joke that Stanley Myron Handelman did I used to follow this comic Stanley Myron Handelman and I you know so many comics growing up I mean comedians growing up, I would, like, they would become my favorites for like a week.

[1301] But, you know, everyone from, uh, uh, uh, off it's his name, man, I love this guy.

[1302] Dodd King, is that his name?

[1303] Don King, they fight promoter?

[1304] Alan King.

[1305] Please.

[1306] Are you okay?

[1307] Yeah, I'm thinking about these funny comics because they really influenced me. Albert Brooks.

[1308] Steve Burton.

[1309] Sure.

[1310] Is it Barton or Martin?

[1311] It's Martin.

[1312] Steve Martin.

[1313] Steve Martin, you're friends with him.

[1314] Steve Barton?

[1315] Alan King?

[1316] who's the this guy Alan King makes me laugh a lot laughing right now about him no you're not you're having a nervous breakdown and you're saying you're laughing about no no don't go there don't you just went there you went there you attacked me you you attacked me I asked you I asked you a very straightforward question and you had a complete you didn't ask you stayed so now I know I know I know so Kevin that was all you Kevin.

[1317] Kevin, you broke down.

[1318] See, his son does even tell you.

[1319] Look at you.

[1320] You're crying.

[1321] I'm not kidding.

[1322] Ladies and gentlemen.

[1323] Because you're crying.

[1324] You couldn't do it.

[1325] You're crying.

[1326] You couldn't do it for three little minutes.

[1327] You attacked me. You actually had me at, that was a great question.

[1328] That's when I lost it.

[1329] You can't do it.

[1330] I did it.

[1331] I tried.

[1332] You didn't do it.

[1333] I just did it.

[1334] You attacked me. That's all I know.

[1335] You came back.

[1336] me hard.

[1337] This is unusable.

[1338] I think this is an unusable interview.

[1339] Let's pick up where we left off.

[1340] Where did we leave off?

[1341] How much time?

[1342] How much time?

[1343] All right, let's finish 90 seconds.

[1344] He's crying.

[1345] He has tears around his eyes.

[1346] No, that's not tears.

[1347] He really does.

[1348] I'm allergic to you.

[1349] Now, listen, let's get back to it.

[1350] You're like, God.

[1351] How many people do you, how many comments do you need me to name?

[1352] I don't know.

[1353] I just was curious if there's one that stood out.

[1354] Yeah.

[1355] I'm going to say for you, it was Steve Martin.

[1356] Andy Kaufman.

[1357] Andy Martin?

[1358] You know, these are your favorites and you don't even know who they are?

[1359] He's attacking me again.

[1360] He's attacking me. Who's your favorite?

[1361] I like Bill Stepman.

[1362] What?

[1363] Is that his name?

[1364] I don't know.

[1365] Eduardo, Sona?

[1366] Who couldn't do it?

[1367] It's one to one.

[1368] It's one to one.

[1369] It is.

[1370] You messed up that one.

[1371] That's me laughing that he can't say a name.

[1372] How easily he attacks me. You needed to get back on track.

[1373] He pounced on me. He pounced on me. me. You're one of my favorites of all time.

[1374] Oh, thank you very much.

[1375] And I mean that.

[1376] I absolutely mean that because you have such an agile mind.

[1377] I'm being serious.

[1378] You have such an agile mind.

[1379] Your rhythm is so unpredictable and hilarious that I think you're one of the all -time greats.

[1380] I really do.

[1381] I appreciate that.

[1382] You do well too.

[1383] You do all right for yourself.

[1384] I love your style.

[1385] I mean, you know, I'll be honest with you.

[1386] I'm surprised and I'm not attacking you.

[1387] You're surprised at what?

[1388] I'm not attacking back.

[1389] You're surprised at what?

[1390] I'm not going to pounce at you.

[1391] Okay.

[1392] I'm just surprised and happy for you.

[1393] Yeah, go ahead.

[1394] You're surprised about what?

[1395] That's far?

[1396] Uh -huh.

[1397] Go ahead.

[1398] As you made it.

[1399] You followed up me saying that I think you're one of the all -time great.

[1400] Let me finish.

[1401] With you saying that you're surprised, I made it this far.

[1402] Can I finish?

[1403] You have become something that is unbelievable.

[1404] I don't know how you do it.

[1405] Seriously, I don't know how you do it.

[1406] You become this legend of, I won't see mediocrity because I knew you think I'm going to say that.

[1407] It's It's more than that Not a lot more But it's It's And you know I love you Right I don't I don't I don't know Now I'm starting to almost cry Cohn look at me I love you I'm surprised You're surprised that I've made it this far Please don't attack me I'm not I'm simply Restatting what you said.

[1408] Eduardo, he's attacking.

[1409] But you're making it, you're cynical.

[1410] You're cynical.

[1411] You're full of hate.

[1412] Look, let me just continue.

[1413] How much time in a world?

[1414] Oh, my God.

[1415] This will be the tiebreaker.

[1416] If you guys can end, I can't believe that you are making.

[1417] I'm going to end first.

[1418] I cannot believe you have us tied.

[1419] You have such a style.

[1420] After I, you are so smart.

[1421] After I tried and tried.

[1422] You have no surgeries.

[1423] You have no. little problems at all in life.

[1424] And you've really made a lot of yourself.

[1425] I think so.

[1426] And I love you.

[1427] I can't say that enough.

[1428] And I'm really, you influenced me growing up.

[1429] You asked me about a comic.

[1430] How did I influence you growing up when you are older than I?

[1431] Why are you laughing me off like that?

[1432] Why does he constantly turn around?

[1433] So when you were a young boy in Germany.

[1434] I didn't say when I was a kid.

[1435] Oh, okay.

[1436] You influenced me when I walked in here today.

[1437] No, the way you have everything together, I thought Conan's really got his stuff together because why you took life seriously and you planned for the future and I'm sure you had big plans some of them maybe didn't work out I'm serious I'm trying to be serious here okay okay and I wouldn't you tell me about yourself well I'd love to but we're out of time I really yeah we're out of time because you and I I'll take some responsibility But you know what I'm going to do?

[1438] I'm going to take 25%.

[1439] I'm going to take 25%.

[1440] 25 out of 30 is not bad.

[1441] No, not out of 30.

[1442] I'm out of how many?

[1443] 100.

[1444] 100%.

[1445] I'll take a board of responsibility that you are a little bit of catnip to me. I do react to Kevin that way.

[1446] I get a little giddy.

[1447] But you are a not just a wild Mustang that can't be tamed.

[1448] You're a Mustang that's been drugged, caffeinated, and had a rocket shoved up its ass.

[1449] Two out of those three are correct.

[1450] Caffeinated?

[1451] I don't know about caffeinated.

[1452] But I'm going to ask everyone who listened to this entire...

[1453] First of all, I think there's got to be a prize for anyone that listened to the whole thing.

[1454] I don't know what it is yet.

[1455] Why would you say that?

[1456] Even on the outro, you cannot be serious and thankful.

[1457] Oh, I'm being quite serious.

[1458] I think there should be some kind of maybe even a cash prize for anyone who can prove...

[1459] Oh, God.

[1460] Kevin, that they've listened to the whole thing.

[1461] Oh, now why do you do that in the middle of a sentence?

[1462] And then, uh, and if anyone sees a continuity here that I don't see or a thread that I don't see, I'd love to hear about it.

[1463] That is your fault.

[1464] You are the captain of the ship.

[1465] Why do you let things get out of control?

[1466] Said the torpedo.

[1467] You're the torpedo yelling at the captain.

[1468] Yeah, but a torpedo makes changes.

[1469] You're a captain who doesn't make changes, and that's the problem.

[1470] You're, you're going off course.

[1471] Okay, you fell.

[1472] Please take some blame for this?

[1473] Yeah, I did.

[1474] I took 25%.

[1475] Well, out of 30, that's not bad.

[1476] The book, let's talk about the book.

[1477] On the way out, stop it.

[1478] I exaggerate.

[1479] Very talented.

[1480] You really are a great artist.

[1481] I am.

[1482] I think.

[1483] What's your favorite page in there?

[1484] My favorite drawing?

[1485] You know the Buzz Aldrin story?

[1486] What's that?

[1487] I do, I have a little thing there on Buzz Aldrin.

[1488] I think I looked at it quickly, yes.

[1489] Buzz Aldrin, second man on the moon.

[1490] Yes, and he used to go to a lot of Hollywood parties.

[1491] You could meet him.

[1492] He would always show up wearing kind of a crazy outfit.

[1493] Yes.

[1494] Second Man on the Moon.

[1495] I've met Buzz Aldrin several times, yes.

[1496] Oh, I won't tell my story then.

[1497] Why?

[1498] Go ahead.

[1499] You've outmatched me. No. Okay, Buzz Aldrin, I was in Mexico on some kind of a celebrity junket, and I see him on the beach.

[1500] I go up to him, I go, Buzz Aldrin?

[1501] And he goes, yeah.

[1502] I said, oh my gosh, I'm such a pleasure to meet you.

[1503] Second Man on the Moon, you know?

[1504] And I said to him, were you ever worried that you?

[1505] wouldn't get off the moon when you're there.

[1506] And this is what he said to me. What are you, a wise guy?

[1507] I said, no, I'm sorry.

[1508] I was curious because if I was on the moon, I'd be afraid I wouldn't be able to get off.

[1509] And he goes, why wouldn't I be able to get off?

[1510] He's a rocket scientist.

[1511] Everything's planned out on paper.

[1512] He doesn't even second gets everything.

[1513] I said, well, sometimes I get in my car.

[1514] It doesn't start.

[1515] It's supposed to, but it doesn't.

[1516] And he thought, well, we did actually get into lunar module, and there's a little fuse sticking out.

[1517] So we called Houston.

[1518] They said, I should push it back in.

[1519] I said, okay, okay.

[1520] And then I saw him go out to his car, wouldn't start.

[1521] So he said, is the few sticking out maybe?

[1522] Now I'm being a wise guy.

[1523] Please, I'm not finished.

[1524] Oh, you're finished.

[1525] He was the second man on the moon, but the first man to fart on the moon.

[1526] Okay, okay.

[1527] No, this is all true, and that's in my book.

[1528] You like that book, right?

[1529] I do.

[1530] It looks good.

[1531] Yeah, I love your book.

[1532] It really is.

[1533] I'm very impressed by your growth as an artist.

[1534] You saw me drawing all the time.

[1535] We were writing Hans and Franz.

[1536] Yes.

[1537] You drew all the time.

[1538] Mostly you.

[1539] I have like six sketches of you at home.

[1540] It would be nice if you put them in a book.

[1541] That's okay.

[1542] I would like you to do a real caricature of me someday.

[1543] I would treasure that.

[1544] I'll pay you.

[1545] You won't treasure it because I've seen you.

[1546] I've seen so many caricatures of you in your office with a big tall red hair.

[1547] Not by you.

[1548] You're my friend.

[1549] A friend of mine did a great caricature of you.

[1550] I mean really good.

[1551] And I think you just poohed it.

[1552] I did not.

[1553] That's not me at all.

[1554] Do you remember?

[1555] Did I show it to you?

[1556] Oh.

[1557] Jason Seiler, his name is a great illustrator.

[1558] I'm sure.

[1559] He does a lot of mad magazines.

[1560] Uh -huh.

[1561] But anyway, I'll do one of you.

[1562] Okay.

[1563] You're in the next book.

[1564] Thank you.

[1565] Here's what we're going to do.

[1566] I'm going to end this interview.

[1567] We're going to put you...

[1568] You call this an interview.

[1569] A course of Clonopin.

[1570] Ask me one question.

[1571] You didn't ask me one question.

[1572] Have you tried Ridland?

[1573] Have you tried anything?

[1574] Or how about any drug that might focus you?

[1575] What about any of the ADHD drugs?

[1576] Have you tried any of those?

[1577] No, but my wife thinks I might have ADHD.

[1578] Oh, she's right.

[1579] Wait, let me finish.

[1580] Or the early signs of dementia.

[1581] Right.

[1582] And yeah, so because I leave the stove on once in a while, or I leave the car running, because I have an electric car.

[1583] Yeah.

[1584] And the other car is hybrid.

[1585] Okay.

[1586] We're barely getting by.

[1587] And I'll, you know, you don't have to turn the electric car off.

[1588] You just get out of it.

[1589] Yeah.

[1590] And then the hybrid sometimes, because you're so, used to getting out of the electric car you don't turn on.

[1591] I get out of the hybrid because it's quiet.

[1592] You know, it's running on the hybrid.

[1593] And I get out and I walk away thinking it's off.

[1594] Stove, car, and car keys sometimes.

[1595] Kevin, do me a favor because we're ending this now.

[1596] I mean, I have to end it.

[1597] I just have to end this.

[1598] But I want you to take this.

[1599] We're going to get you a copy of this.

[1600] And I want you to play it for your neurologist.

[1601] Okay.

[1602] Why do you assume I have a neurologist?

[1603] You're going to have one.

[1604] I'm making an appointment today.

[1605] You're coming with me then.

[1606] and you are coming with me. I'll come with you to the neurologist.

[1607] I'll drive you there.

[1608] Yeah, and you can bring a...

[1609] I'll wait for you in the car.

[1610] You can bring a drone, and we can shoot it from 9 ,000 feet.

[1611] You can bring you a smart as chunk of me. You're going to play this for a neurologist, and I want a specific diagnosis after.

[1612] You know what the diagnosis is going to be?

[1613] What's that?

[1614] It's going to be, Mr. Neeland, you need the rest a little bit.

[1615] Mr. O 'Brien, you need a lawyer.

[1616] What?

[1617] You need a lawyer for attacking Kevin so much in your little quote -unquote interview.

[1618] Okay, that's it.

[1619] The book is called...

[1620] No, I have to go.

[1621] My brushes with fame.

[1622] No. You don't have to go.

[1623] I have to go.

[1624] No, you go.

[1625] You're out.

[1626] I'm the one that has, I don't have the time for this.

[1627] You, I'm throwing you out of the podcast studio.

[1628] Kevin, despite everything people have heard today, I do love you and admire you.

[1629] You're one of the funniest people ever.

[1630] And if you don't stop fucking around with that strong.

[1631] That's my stomach.

[1632] That was my stomach.

[1633] Why do you have to make fun of my health problems?

[1634] Okay.

[1635] We'll take a break.

[1636] We're never coming back.

[1637] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam O 'Sessian, and Matt Gourley.

[1638] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.

[1639] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coo, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.

[1640] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[1641] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1642] Take it away, Jimmy.

[1643] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1644] Engineering by Will Bechtin, additional production support by Mars Melnick.

[1645] Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.

[1646] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.

[1647] Got a question for Conan?

[1648] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[1649] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1650] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1651] This has been a Team Cocoa.

[1652] production in association with Earwolf.