Adam Sandler Returns

[0] Hi, my name is Adam Sandler, and I feel I'm sad about being going.

[1] Sad!

[2] No, no, no, just because I've known each other 35 years.

[3] No, I'm sad because I should give you more.

[4] I should give you more.

[5] It's here, hear the yell, ring the bell, brandy shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we aren't going to be friends.

[6] You're going to be friends.

[7] No one's not doing anything.

[8] Don't do it.

[9] Hey, welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[10] And this is a great way to start any episode because just as we counted down, I looked at a little table that's between Sona and I, and I saw that she had her chapstick there.

[11] And she was really enjoying blowing on her tea.

[12] So I picked up the chapstick, tossed it, and it went right into her tea.

[13] and the place exploded in joy and of course Sona Miserable and then you said we're here and that's what we're starting us.

[14] Too good not to kick it off.

[15] Yeah, that's a great...

[16] We should kick off every episode with me just having thrown something unhygienic into your tea.

[17] Come on, man. No, I think that's a bad idea.

[18] First of all, you tried this.

[19] It's a giant wad of paper.

[20] Yeah, thank you.

[21] It's an audio medium.

[22] I did this.

[23] You're like a mime and then I did this.

[24] Oh, I did it.

[25] I got, I'm just mad.

[26] I don't know how to react.

[27] That was fantastic.

[28] The chapstick went right into your tissue.

[29] It made a satisfying clink and then a splash.

[30] Oh, yeah, we were happy about that?

[31] I'm not unhappy.

[32] Okay.

[33] Oh, you should try and, can you isolate the sound of it going in?

[34] Let's play that now.

[35] See if you can hear it.

[36] Don't do it!

[37] Yeah, that's cool.

[38] That's fantastic.

[39] What a great.

[40] That's ASMR.

[41] Yeah.

[42] And also, you're still going to use that lip balm, aren't you?

[43] Well, I'm going to use the chapstick, but I can't drink my tea.

[44] Why not?

[45] Because of all the germs.

[46] that are on that chapsic.

[47] That'd be, that's a hot tea.

[48] All the germs are dead.

[49] That doesn't, that's not how it works.

[50] And the germs on the chapsic that you put on your lips?

[51] Yeah.

[52] It's on the tube outside.

[53] That's why there's a lit, goarly.

[54] Oh, wow.

[55] Oh, so when you walk around.

[56] When you walk around and you see like dog shit on the sidewalk, you take out your chapstick and you just roll it around in the dog shit.

[57] What are you doing that's so toxic?

[58] The exterior of the chapstick touches so many different surfaces, and it's picking up germs.

[59] What are you doing with your chapstick?

[60] It's everywhere.

[61] It's on this table.

[62] What was on this table?

[63] Why are you shouting?

[64] Because I'm so angry right now.

[65] Because I really wanted to drink that tea.

[66] But you can still drink the tea.

[67] It's fine.

[68] I promise you it's fine.

[69] You won't get sick or anything.

[70] The tea is fine.

[71] Why are you acting like no things?

[72] My father is a microbiologist.

[73] Would you some Marco?

[74] My father is Marco Polo?

[75] You drink my tea.

[76] I would happily drink your tea.

[77] And I'll use your chapstick.

[78] Pass it over.

[79] I use my chapsid.

[80] I'm going to use your chapstick and then drink your tea.

[81] Don't use my chapstick.

[82] I don't know about your lips.

[83] Come on.

[84] Now you can't use it.

[85] God, I hope you get my herpes.

[86] I really do.

[87] I really do.

[88] I wish I had an outbreak right now.

[89] I would kill for herpetic sores.

[90] Then I'd get some sympathy from the showbiz community.

[91] You two are disgusting human beings.

[92] Come on.

[93] Oh, stirring the tea with the chapstick.

[94] Oh my God Let me see if I can recreate that sound Oh almost How did I miss it?

[95] I know it was inches away I held it you know it's crazy I swear to God I held it an inch From an open wide mouth T cup And I swear to God it's here we go Oh that's a lovely sound I love that sound You love ruining things for me Don't leave it in there Let's just find it's like a little boat.

[96] Come on.

[97] Oh, my God.

[98] Anyway, Sona, T's not good for you.

[99] That's all.

[100] What?

[101] Same with chapstick.

[102] Yeah.

[103] It'll kill you.

[104] What are you guys?

[105] You guys don't know anything.

[106] My dad's a Marco Bajibold is just.

[107] Thanks for sticking up for me. Of course he knows.

[108] His dad's a Mikro -Makbogdovich.

[109] Uh -oh.

[110] I hate this place.

[111] God, you know what?

[112] When Sona Forrest laughs.

[113] That means she really is mad.

[114] Are you really mad?

[115] No. I could have another tea brought in here by David.

[116] I don't know.

[117] Do not make David bring in tea for me. No, don't do it.

[118] Someone get David.

[119] Don't do it.

[120] I won't allow, I won't, I will not take tea that David brings me. Why?

[121] Because we're peers and it just weird.

[122] He's your replacement.

[123] You still are above him in the chain of things.

[124] That's not true.

[125] I can't fire him.

[126] What, you could, if you told me David's got to go, he'd be gone like that.

[127] Can I fire David?

[128] Can I fire David?

[129] Yeah, Dave, where is David?

[130] Just try it and see if it works.

[131] Try firing him.

[132] Tell me if it works.

[133] Yeah, see what works.

[134] David, David, come on in here.

[135] David.

[136] David, you better have tea.

[137] They're going to pull this up.

[138] What?

[139] You know what, David, pack your shit up.

[140] You're fucking done here.

[141] I'm so sorry.

[142] Okay, you can assist Conan.

[143] No, no, no, please come back.

[144] Please come back.

[145] David, quick question.

[146] You are the assistant that was hired because Sona was no longer.

[147] really assisting me that much.

[148] Wow.

[149] Okay.

[150] I want a maternity leave.

[151] No, whatever.

[152] I had babies.

[153] I had twin babies.

[154] I still don't buy this whole maternity excuse.

[155] But anyway, only two babies at once and you get time off.

[156] I think three babies at once should get you out of work.

[157] But anyway, David, Sona said that she can't ask you to get her tea.

[158] I ruined her tea.

[159] I don't know if you, do you even listen to the podcast when you're out there?

[160] I had other things.

[161] What were you doing?

[162] I was talking to Paula and Gina.

[163] Okay.

[164] Really important things about like your calendar and like your podcast bookings and stuff.

[165] So anyway, I brought you in here for it to be fun and interesting and that was awful.

[166] Well, it's like you have a lot of dates coming where you're busy.

[167] That's okay.

[168] We were working on it.

[169] Popular celebrity.

[170] Anyway, definitely A list or top B list.

[171] A B, a B rising.

[172] Anyway, I ruined Sonas T by throwing a chapstick into it.

[173] Well, that wasn't nice.

[174] Thank you.

[175] It's kind of funny.

[176] Think about it again.

[177] And then think about your job.

[178] That's hilarious.

[179] So anyway, and then I said, well, just David will get you another tea because she doesn't want to drink this tea.

[180] And then she said, I can't do that.

[181] And I said, why not?

[182] And she said, because David's appear.

[183] And I honestly don't.

[184] I think you're great, David.

[185] You're amazing.

[186] Thank you.

[187] No, no. I think Sona's.

[188] Thank you so much.

[189] Isn't Sona a click above you?

[190] Yeah.

[191] No, I don't think so.

[192] Do you think that Sona could fire you?

[193] No. No, I don't think.

[194] You know, I'm thinking about it now.

[195] I don't.

[196] No, if Sonas called you up and said, you're out.

[197] and lose Conan's number.

[198] I would call you then.

[199] You'd call me and you'd be rehired immediately.

[200] You're right.

[201] Sona can't fire you.

[202] I can't fire.

[203] But also, he's your assistant.

[204] So why would he be bringing me tea?

[205] I would bring you a tea as like a friend.

[206] Yeah.

[207] You can ask people as a friend.

[208] Yeah, but I could just wait and then go get myself tea.

[209] This tea is seriously fine.

[210] It had a chapstick floating in it, but it's not like the chapstick was contaminated.

[211] I have a big problem with that, with just foreign objects landing in my drinking beverages.

[212] I remember this from New York.

[213] when Sona refused to ride in a New York cab because she said anyone can have sat in those seats and I was thinking, what are you talking about?

[214] When you travel the world, you're constantly getting in transportation and sitting on things where someone else has sat.

[215] She said they were covered in Jizz, I believe, was the actual.

[216] A lot of other things, a lot of fluids.

[217] Yeah, but the good thing about Jizz is it forms a protective coating when it hardens.

[218] Oh.

[219] Yeah.

[220] It's like a layer?

[221] Most sneeze guards are made out of dry Jiz.

[222] That's true.

[223] That's a true fact.

[224] That's true.

[225] Come on.

[226] Yeah, they use them.

[227] It's porn runoff and then they harden and they cut them into sheets and they're used to sneeze guards.

[228] Porn runoff?

[229] Yeah, they have little channels in the floors when they shoot porn and it collects all the extra semen.

[230] And then that's laid out in sheets.

[231] It dries.

[232] It's cut into sheets and then it's made into sneeze guards.

[233] They're in the condoms.

[234] That's where the jizz is.

[235] No, that's why during COVID so many plexiglass things were in need and the porn industry just rose.

[236] Okay.

[237] Oh, all right.

[238] We're doubling down on it.

[239] But it just isn't clear.

[240] Some churches have mistakenly used a stained glass window.

[241] I'm just, I went too far.

[242] But what I'm saying is it can be used as a glass.

[243] And it should be recycled.

[244] Let's have a happy, healthy earth.

[245] I'm also taking an Uber home today.

[246] So I mean, Ubers are basically taxis now.

[247] Yeah.

[248] So it just kind of, I don't know.

[249] For some reason, Uber's, I'm like, yeah, it's cool.

[250] It's like my friend's car.

[251] And then taxes, I'm like, yeah.

[252] Sorry to cut off your story by enjoying this wonderful.

[253] you know what and I have chapsed I don't wear chapstick and you think you can tell because my teeth are like just shredded old snakes but what have your teeth got to do with my teeth and my lips I do I really enjoy it I love when you say the wrong thing it must be really fun yeah to watch to watch a man's brain decay and then two years from now when I'm gone yeah and neurologists are saying you could watch the whole thing fall apart when you listen when you listen to the podcast you can see it all happen and and you're laughing it's fun it's fun And Lise is there, weeping.

[254] She would be laughing.

[255] We would all be laughing.

[256] We'd be like, remember when he said teeth instead of lips and we would laugh about it?

[257] Remember when he said he accused me of having public display of affection, but he called it a PDF?

[258] I don't remember that.

[259] Do you remember Blink 187?

[260] That was me. No, it was him.

[261] Yeah.

[262] But I think I said it was me and then it got ridden in history that way.

[263] Yeah.

[264] No, no, it was me, but I just think Blink 187 is an improvement.

[265] You know, it's...

[266] Come on.

[267] No, I just knock it up a few numbers, you know?

[268] Can I just say last week, Conan asked me where his sunglasses were and they were in his hand.

[269] Oh, my God.

[270] But see, what I'm saying is if there's a neurologist listening, if you're listening and you are, this is your field, I do think that I misspeak more than I used to.

[271] And I think that there could be an issue here.

[272] And everyone's laughing.

[273] And later on, David, you're going to feel pretty, pretty bad.

[274] Didn't we have a neurologist on to discuss this very thing?

[275] Like someone called in?

[276] I don't know.

[277] I forget.

[278] Oh, no. Oh, no. Is this how you ask for medical advice?

[279] Yeah, it's free.

[280] You're like, hey, any listeners?

[281] Maybe there's a fan.

[282] Can you guys just listen to the podcast?

[283] Sourcing free medical care.

[284] I could just go down to the hospital and get it checked, but instead I'm going to ask a bunch of strangers.

[285] I also want a pair of bootleg jeans.

[286] I want them with a gold standard.

[287] ditch.

[288] Come on it, people.

[289] All right, let's get into it.

[290] We have a what is a dumb opening that was.

[291] I know, and for, you know what?

[292] And for this person specifically, he deserves better.

[293] It does deserve better, but he's not getting it.

[294] My guest today is a hilarious actor and comedian.

[295] Start in such movies is Billy Madison, the Waterboy and Uncut Gems.

[296] I think people know who we're talking about now.

[297] Now you can see him in the new Netflix movie, Spaceman.

[298] You still don't know they say their name in the beginning of the episode.

[299] I do know.

[300] I just know that.

[301] It's written in the title.

[302] Here comes the big.

[303] surprise.

[304] Oh, my God.

[305] Oh, my God.

[306] Someday I'm going to listen to this podcast.

[307] I'm excited he's here today.

[308] You won't guess it.

[309] Adam Sandler, welcome.

[310] I passed your house again.

[311] Maybe two days ago.

[312] Screamed out Conan.

[313] You always yell.

[314] I tell people this.

[315] No one in L .A. Everyone lives near each other, but no one, everyone lives behind a hedge.

[316] And everyone's real cool about where everyone else lives.

[317] And one of my favorite things is this man when he's outside your house, school.

[318] Cody!

[319] Cody!

[320] And my kids wait for me to say it now.

[321] They just go, all right, he's going to do his thing.

[322] I call, Conan!

[323] And then they go back to tell me some thing in their life.

[324] And then the times that you've come over, when you come over to my house, the first thing you say is, I got to go.

[325] No one wants me here.

[326] No, people are very happy to see you.

[327] Everyone's happy to see you.

[328] The party was great.

[329] It was nice.

[330] Christmas bash.

[331] We had a good time.

[332] Perfecto.

[333] I saw your son as a big boy now.

[334] Yeah.

[335] He grew fast.

[336] What a nice guy, though.

[337] He's nice.

[338] Sweet as hell.

[339] He did good.

[340] He doesn't love his old man. That's for sure.

[341] No, no. He's running away.

[342] Running away from that.

[343] Oh, man. I wish you had been here for, because a good friend of yours was on this podcast, Jim Downey.

[344] All our favorite.

[345] Everybody.

[346] We put him as the number one.

[347] When Downey gave you a joke for one of your skids, I, for me, I was like, oh, my God, Downey gave me gold.

[348] Will you like that to do with Downey?

[349] Yeah.

[350] When he gave you something.

[351] If you could get his attention.

[352] Yes.

[353] Because he liked to stay in his office with the door shut.

[354] And we'd all wait for him.

[355] And Schneider was the most aggressive.

[356] And he always figured out a way to get in there.

[357] I don't know if it's because he's small or what.

[358] But he like went in through the keyhole.

[359] But we were always mad like, God damn it, how did Schneider get in there?

[360] Yeah, they got good.

[361] And then the door would open and Downey would come out and I go, oh, hey, Jim.

[362] So I had this idea.

[363] And he'd be like, walk with me, Connie.

[364] Oh, yeah.

[365] And walk with me meant.

[366] follow him to the bathroom.

[367] He'd use the urinal, and I'd stand next to him.

[368] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[369] And I'd be like, yeah, so anyway, it's a caveman, and he finds a time machine at, uh -huh, uh -huh, flush, washing the hands.

[370] Right, right.

[371] Then door shut, and then I could hear Schneider in there again.

[372] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, came in.

[373] Where are we ordering in from?

[374] Yeah, no. But I think back on those days, a lot with a lot of fondness, because you were the most enthusiastic person.

[375] Back then, yes.

[376] were so enthusiastic, and your attitude was, we're at Saturday Night Live.

[377] This is amazing.

[378] Let's get milkshakes.

[379] Oh, yeah.

[380] You loved milkshakes?

[381] Yes, yes.

[382] And then they'd bring food in.

[383] They'd pay for them.

[384] You couldn't believe it.

[385] Yeah.

[386] It's like, everything was so wondrous to you.

[387] You know what I mean?

[388] And now it's like, okay, the Netflix jet is here, whatever.

[389] It's like, yeah, yeah.

[390] There's a time when you're young.

[391] Yeah.

[392] And you're only that young once.

[393] I was 23, yeah.

[394] Were you 23 when you got on that show?

[395] I think it would have been 24 when I got started.

[396] I have this memory of it's like high school of when the day people first showed up.

[397] So I remember you showing up.

[398] You were very excited and very confident.

[399] Spade was nervous.

[400] He stayed up late, though.

[401] I remember Schneider, you always say to David, you know, we're here all Tuesday night.

[402] Try to stick around, you know, in Spade.

[403] Around 11, you see Spade, like, my neck hurts, man. I'm going home.

[404] But we did stay late.

[405] You always stayed late.

[406] I would sleep there, yeah.

[407] Yeah, we had the best.

[408] Those mornings when you'd wake up nuts and your stomach hurt from a whole night of being no sleep.

[409] But it was, and then the read -through was around 3 o 'clock or 4 o 'clock or something.

[410] You were so off.

[411] Like an idiot, when you're that young, you think, this is cool.

[412] I'm like a fighter pilot.

[413] Yeah, that's true.

[414] Because I was so, I was so wanted to be, I want to be the fastest gun.

[415] I want to be on the edge.

[416] I didn't sleep for two days.

[417] I mean, I'd had these two women who were my roommates in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, Lynette and Anonia, I'd come in, and I'd almost like bragging like, I haven't slept in 52 hours.

[418] And they'd be like, oh, my, you should just go to bed, you know, my stool is a white gel.

[419] Like, I think this is cool.

[420] And it's just, and then I realized later on, you don't do good work when you haven't slept.

[421] Yeah, that's true.

[422] Terrible, I mean.

[423] But we would just, and then making sure that they typed it up, right?

[424] Remember because it was back before computers, I think.

[425] Yes, it was.

[426] You handed, you wrote it.

[427] On a legal pad.

[428] A yellow pad.

[429] We'd say, we'd write it and hand it to anybody, Claire, I remember, used to work there.

[430] A bunch of people, your hand just get in.

[431] And if it was a word off.

[432] We're all sleep deprived, and some of us have bad handwriting anyway.

[433] Exactly.

[434] And then, so these very nice people would come up to us.

[435] Oh, God.

[436] And rush.

[437] 10 o 'clock or 11 o 'clock in the morning and they'd say, what is this?

[438] What is this word right here?

[439] And usually it was a filthy sketch.

[440] You'd have to say, that's masturbation, jizz machine.

[441] It's very nice, you know.

[442] Yeah, yeah.

[443] Oh, I know they'd just finder old woman would go, okay, all right.

[444] But you, you, I had probably told you this before, but when you got the show, when we found out you were hosting the show and taking, you know, over for, you.

[445] Letterman, right?

[446] Is that what it was?

[447] The letterman?

[448] Yeah.

[449] It was unanimous with our reaction.

[450] Everyone was like, oh, wow, yeah, that's great.

[451] There was nobody going, oh, shit, why come I?

[452] I didn't get that about everybody who was Conan's name, everybody just went, yeah, wow, that's perfect.

[453] What a great idea.

[454] You were sharp and then everybody wrote the coolest shit.

[455] And, but you never came across nervous.

[456] Like, I remember watching your first night.

[457] Who was the guest?

[458] It was Goodman.

[459] It was Goodman was the first guest.

[460] and then Drew Barrymore.

[461] Drew Barrymore.

[462] And then Tony Randall came out like a tuxedo.

[463] And then he and I sang Adel Weiss.

[464] Oh, wow.

[465] We wanted to, on the first show, tell everybody this is the kind of show it's going to be.

[466] So he and I sang Adel Weiss, and they cut to the crowd, and there was a weeping Nazi.

[467] We just wanted to tell everybody, like, this is what this show is going to be.

[468] You were cool.

[469] We were all pulling for you.

[470] All knew you were the best.

[471] And we were like, wow, it's official.

[472] You're that guy now.

[473] It's so funny, it doesn't feel that way for the longest time.

[474] You still feel like you're auditioning every night in the beginning.

[475] Yeah, for a long time.

[476] But I remember you had had, we all knew you were really funny, but Robert Smigel immediately knew that you were fantastic.

[477] And the other person, this is really interesting, is Jim Downey is such a giant brain.

[478] What's interesting is, remember Jim Downey sort of looking at you and saying, it's funny because you're doing like your take on a, Jerry Lewis sometimes, but don't be fooled.

[479] I think he's smarter than any of us.

[480] That was his analysis, which I thought was very fascinating because people that took some of the buffoonery at face value didn't understand.

[481] Yeah, yeah, sure.

[482] That there's that you're a really smart motherfucker.

[483] In my own way.

[484] In your, no, I mean, but you are.

[485] You've always been.

[486] And that was always is the plan that, okay, this is what I'm doing now, but then I'm going to start laying other stuff in.

[487] And actually, which I didn't even know at the time, but I would talk to you and you would talk about serious acting, and you knew you could do it.

[488] I think I did that.

[489] When I did the wedding singer, I probably was like, yeah, let me try not to be too goofy in this movie, just to maybe slowly ease into doing other stuff one day.

[490] Of course, PTA, he's the one who put me in like a...

[491] That's called Thomas Anderson.

[492] Thomas Anderson.

[493] Not the PTA committee.

[494] Yeah, well, he's the guy who helped me get into doing just a straight -up, serious movie.

[495] But in my head, I knew I could eventually handle something like that, and I should do something like that.

[496] I always, my family, when I first moved to, went to NYU acting, my grandmother was always like, you're the next James Kahn.

[497] You're the next James Kahn.

[498] She always used to say that to me. So part of that line made me go, oh, shit, I've got to do some real.

[499] movies too one day so my grandmother can accept this life I probably told you this but I met James Khan when I was young came out I was on the Paramount lot I'm walking I had an audition and James Con is with his buddy's throwing a football around and he had a black guy and I was like oh shit he got a famous James Khan kind of fight or something but but he was just he was shooting misery and he had the makeup oh he had the makeup right and so I was like fuck i didn't realize it until like a year later i said oh shit that's why he had to but i walked by him and i said i got to say something to james con man and so uh i did that douchebag kind of walk up to him see everyone going what the fuck he's having fun james con throwing a football why is this guy interrupting i said hey my grandmother said i'm the next you he goes what i said my grandma said i'm the next you and he goes you don't want to be me oh wow yeah he was one of the, you know, people talk about who are the coolest people ever in movies.

[500] Was he on your show?

[501] Oh, yeah, James Con was on the show.

[502] And what I remember is you could, even when he was getting older, you could take a carpenter's level.

[503] Tell me if I'm right.

[504] You could take a carpenter's level and put it on his shoulder and the bubble would go right to the middle.

[505] He had the craziest straight, and you can see it in the Godfather.

[506] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[507] Because there's a lot of scenes where Sonny's wearing like what was known or the what it's a wife beater t -shirt but he's just got like the white strap on the t -shirt and look at his shoulders.

[508] His shoulders are just crazy.

[509] He's got that ridge of fluff.

[510] Yeah, oh yeah, and then the fluff.

[511] A little bit of fluff there.

[512] He would keep little treats in there for later.

[513] It's got a little lifesavers and a starburst, but no, I met him and, you know, the times that I've met anyone, anyone from that, the godfather, I lose my mind a little bit.

[514] They all love him, too.

[515] They all love him, yeah.

[516] All the Godfather guys would be, when you say his name, like, oh, he just had a coolness about him.

[517] And he did, he would fight anybody.

[518] He did have that go time kind of like if somebody says the wrong thing.

[519] Oh, no. He looked like a guy who would drop his sandwich and punch you if that was cold.

[520] Yeah, I had to.

[521] I had to do that.

[522] I'm always that way.

[523] I don't want to bother these people.

[524] You said you were that way about McCartney.

[525] McCartney, I ran past.

[526] What happened?

[527] McCartney was at a restaurant the other night, and it's actually my friend's restaurant.

[528] Everybody knew he was coming.

[529] I was with my wife and her friends and my friends, and they were like, you met McCartney go say hello.

[530] I said, yeah, yeah, absolutely.

[531] I got up.

[532] I saw a side shot of his head.

[533] He was eating.

[534] And I was like, come on, man, just say hello.

[535] And then I saw Ringo was at the table, too.

[536] And he looked up, and I went, I can't fucking handle it.

[537] And I just kept going.

[538] And I ran past him, and all my friends are, like what happened and then my wife goes go back in you're gonna never forgive yourself go and I said yeah you're right went back in saw the side shot he was talking to his wife I think I just fucking get walking fake the hand wash in the bathroom then I was like what are you doing man go fucking do this just this is amazing I love it just you're Adam Sandler the Adam Sandler did and you know what else didn't help other people were watching Adam Sandler be nervous and they were just going is he gonna fucking talk to McCartney or not and I just bolted out and got, but you know, I get it because I, someone like that, I think he's been famous since about a year before I was born.

[539] All right.

[540] And when I say famous, like the most, one of the foremost famous faces in the world.

[541] And then lunchbox in the house.

[542] Yeah, there are people that I have no problem walking up to.

[543] Uh -huh, yeah.

[544] And sometimes I really give him attitude.

[545] Like, look, you're a C -lister at best.

[546] So I'm going to say hi.

[547] You know, I'm a real dick about it.

[548] Obama.

[549] Yeah.

[550] You were president.

[551] Now I'm president.

[552] Conan, that doesn't make sense.

[553] You've never been president?

[554] But anyway, yeah, I would not...

[555] Athletes do that to me, some superstar athletes where everybody says, go over, say hello.

[556] Oh, the worst was KG.

[557] I went to a clipper game with Kevin Garnett.

[558] And after the game was ending, he was on.

[559] the Clippers.

[560] He knows them all.

[561] He's like, let's go back.

[562] Say hi.

[563] I said, no, no, no, man, you go.

[564] He goes, come on, man. I go, no, no, I don't want to go into a locker room, man. He goes, come on, man. And blah, blah, blah.

[565] I go in there.

[566] Just feeling so goofy.

[567] They're all, you know, the clothes are off.

[568] I'm in there just after a game.

[569] Just there's no reason to him saying, I'm losing the locker room.

[570] They're all hugging KG.

[571] I'm staring at him, giving some head nods.

[572] And then somehow, somehow it was me alone for a second.

[573] They spread out me and Kauai was in there just kind of sitting there thinking about the game and I'm just standing there just me and Kauai and I'm just like yeah this is a bad moment for Kauai didn't say nothing just froze I was just thinking about this because I think he was on TV last night but it was Joe Buck came up to me I was at a bar with a friend and Joe Buck walks up to me and he's with John Elway Yeah, that's cool.

[574] And John Elway doesn't say anything, and Joe Buck is just like, oh, man, I'll always love coming on your show.

[575] And when we were chatting and John Elway isn't saying anything, it isn't really making eye contact with me. And then Joe Buck's just going to, well, anyway, I think our table's ready.

[576] But it's so great to see you.

[577] And I'm like, yeah, good to see you too.

[578] And he walks away.

[579] And John Elwood is left standing looking at me for one second and he looks at me and he goes, we're fans.

[580] And then walks away.

[581] And it was so clear to me he doesn't know who the fuck.

[582] And I respected him for him.

[583] I respect you, but just the generic is, we're fans.

[584] And it's like, first of all, who's we?

[585] Because Joe Buck is gone.

[586] Do you mean America?

[587] Yes.

[588] You mean the L -ways?

[589] The Broncos.

[590] You mean the NFL?

[591] Yeah.

[592] We're fans.

[593] And then zing, and he's gone.

[594] But now you've got the thing where you have that on the other side.

[595] You know, I saw, I was there part of a group of people.

[596] honoring you and watched him when you got the Mark Twain Prize and it was just funny to see how many people came out and how you're that guy to them you know if you're you know what I mean like they're they're you know like a Pete Davidson is telling stories about oh shit there's Adam Sandler funny yeah we're those guys now that to the young guys yeah he's he's a funny bastard that kid he's always texting he's just he's enjoying his life and then also nervous.

[597] He certainly seems to be.

[598] He enjoys it, but he's nervous about it, and he's, but he's very nice kid.

[599] And yeah, I don't know.

[600] That was quite a weekend, man. You, you were such a great man to me because I was so not enjoying it the first time.

[601] Why weren't you enjoying it?

[602] So you get this big honor, the Mark Twain Prize, and everyone turns out, and it's going to be at Kennedy Center.

[603] And when I just, I ran into you, I checked in at the hotel in Georgetown, town in the lobby and I walk through and I'm thinking well I guess I'll see Adam at some point maybe when I go up on stage to give my speech.

[604] Yeah.

[605] And I see you standing as you always are in basketball shorts and in the lobby alone.

[606] And I go up and I go, what's going on?

[607] You're like, I don't know, Connie.

[608] And you were in a bit of a well.

[609] I just get nuts when I have all my family, all friends.

[610] and then the thing was bugging me the most was I knew everybody came because they would do I felt like everyone was doing me a favor so I was like god damn this a weekend everybody would probably like to have their own weekend I really wanted my own weekend you but you you've made it you said we all want to be here it's good let's just enjoy it I swear to God it was like five o 'clock at night on the Friday and I went yeah yeah yeah okay let me just let's on once in a lifetime thing also it's it's yeah take a second You're such a workaholic.

[611] You're working all the time.

[612] You are to.

[613] Yeah, but it's good to take a moment every now and then and say, okay, this is nice.

[614] All your friends turned out.

[615] Yeah.

[616] And it was really...

[617] It was a great time.

[618] It was a really good time.

[619] But I don't know if you're this way.

[620] I would always hate it when I knew family was in the audience.

[621] They would always say, yeah, we're coming.

[622] We're going to be in the late night audience.

[623] And I'd say, well, why don't you just...

[624] I say this to my brother.

[625] Neil, I'd say, just hang out in the dressing room and you can watch.

[626] No, no, no, I want to be in the crowd where everyone else is.

[627] And I'd say, like, I'd kind of prefer it if you were, because I can see everybody.

[628] And if I, if I can see you in the crowd, it's weird that my brother's there and I'm trying to be a talk show host.

[629] And you're the guy who beat the shit out of me when I was five.

[630] And took more than your share of the sugar cereal.

[631] So I don't, oh, oh, oh, yeah.

[632] There's six pop tarts and there's six kids.

[633] And so you come down, there's only three pop cards.

[634] No one's had any, and Neil's got crumbs on his belly, and he's laughing at all of us.

[635] But I would say to him, like, I would really prefer, and he would look me and go like, nah.

[636] No, this is what I like.

[637] And then he'd just be there, and then, of course, he would always find a way to talk to the celebrity guest backstage.

[638] Oh, Mary Teller Moore.

[639] So nice to see you.

[640] So when you worked on a show called Benegin's Revenge in 1966, it premiered in color, the second season was in black and white.

[641] Why was that?

[642] He has that kind of mind.

[643] That's amazing.

[644] He went up to Elvis Costello and was like, hey, I saw you at Live Aid.

[645] I was in the crowd.

[646] Oh, wow.

[647] And I was thinking, the crowd at Live Aid.

[648] That's a big crowd.

[649] I was there.

[650] At Wembley Stadium?

[651] No, I was wearing a blue t -shirt.

[652] Remember?

[653] No, they changed my vibe, too.

[654] My dad told my mom.

[655] My dad came to see me in Boston one night when I was doing stand -up and I just was getting going, and I was cursing a lot.

[656] And my father, no matter what, even when I did bad, he'd be, oh, that was terrific.

[657] You were great, terrific.

[658] And I'd say, that thing I said, blah, blah, blah, well, I didn't do well.

[659] He'd be like, ah, it was terrific.

[660] You'll figure it out.

[661] But he would say, don't have mom come see you.

[662] And so my mother, every time I had a show, my mom would go, your father says, I shouldn't come.

[663] Do you want me to come?

[664] I'd be like, well, dad, dad said not to do it.

[665] Maybe it's better.

[666] And then I did my album and was filthy.

[667] And my father played my mother the record.

[668] He listened to it first.

[669] And then my mother would tell me, I listened to the track, one, five, and 11.

[670] Those were the ones that Daddy said I can listen.

[671] But I did change my vibe.

[672] Whenever my parents or my family, there's something about my act as a stand -up, I don't really tell the truth ever.

[673] I have the start of the truth and do some goofy joke and any time I've looked out at a family member and I start my joke, they have a look of them like, this isn't true?

[674] And so it throws my head off.

[675] I'm like, oh, god damn.

[676] You know, my mother never came to see me do stand up because that was the instructions, but I opened for Seinfeld.

[677] Seinfeld was cool.

[678] He liked me, let me open.

[679] for him in Boston one night and my parents are in New Hampshire and uh and went to open for Seinfeld I don't think he told me to but I I said oh he doesn't curse so I can't curse and I told my dad and mom hey I'm doing signfo oh that's a big deal and they were so excited I said I'm doing 15 minutes before he he goes on if you guys want to come and I because I'm not allowed to curse and so my father's like Judy will go and I they both came and I had because it was a clean set, I wasn't used to it.

[680] And I fucking ate it for 15 minutes.

[681] And my poor parents were watching me just fail miserably.

[682] And then Seinfeld went on and it was fucking, you know, two hours of destruction.

[683] And just the whole car ride home is like, and how about when he said?

[684] And I was like, yes, that was very good.

[685] And my mother's like, you'll get there.

[686] You'll get there.

[687] That's nice.

[688] I love that you're.

[689] your dad is, you know, the production company logo that always comes up, is the golf ball.

[690] Terrific.

[691] And then, and then terrific.

[692] And I guess that was your dad's, everything was terrific.

[693] Everything was terrific.

[694] Always about your golf swing, about everything, school, you'd come home with a report card.

[695] All right, terrific, you're doing okay.

[696] He had a great attitude.

[697] But my dad passed away, and that terrific is actually me. I did it in a microphone.

[698] They lowered it and put it in the thing.

[699] And my mother, for a long time, thought it was my dad.

[700] And happened when daddy said.

[701] And then I think I broke it to her recently.

[702] I said, that's me. Huh.

[703] You destroyed it all.

[704] I don't know.

[705] I liked hanging out with your mom and your sister.

[706] Yeah, my two sisters.

[707] Your two sisters, that's right.

[708] Yeah, yeah.

[709] How about when my sister took over the speech, the first night?

[710] There's a night before at the, when you get the Twain Award, there's a night before they have another night.

[711] And yeah, your sister came out and like did a set.

[712] She did a 20 -minute hit.

[713] Yeah.

[714] And she took over, she made me sit down on stage.

[715] Yeah, she said, get up here and made you sit.

[716] And there was nothing you could do.

[717] Your sister was, this was, she said like, this is my moment.

[718] Yes, and I'm taking it.

[719] She, and not a, didn't try to be funny, or was funny and also just nice and real, didn't have the thing that we have of like, I got to kill.

[720] She was just like taking her time and telling stories about me and, but had me locked in there pretty good.

[721] But it was, it was sweet.

[722] Everybody was nice to her out.

[723] I love it when Spades, like, Mom has been around.

[724] Yeah.

[725] I'm sure I've told that story about Spade's mom.

[726] It's just, I love it when these people that I, came along with when their parents are around i love it like i said when your mom's around and i went to uh an event and uh it was uh an event that you were throwing for i think was a uh one of your daughter's bar mitzvah oh yeah the bomb mitzvah and uh i'm sitting at a table with david spades on one side his mom's on the other side and sitting across the table from us is uh dustin hoffman that's right and she leans over to me and she says Conan that's Dustin Hoffman and I want to go say hi to him I love Dustin Hoffman he's in my second favorite movie of all time and I said oh that's yeah you should say hi to him she's yeah I'm going to go tell him he's in my second favorite movie of all time and I said well you know what you should do Mrs. Spade is just say you're like in my favorite movie of all time I said what was it and he said I was like Tutsi is my second favorite movie of all time and I'm trying to remember I said like well what's your, you know, and she said, I just said, just say it's your favorite.

[727] And she said, it's, you know, it's not my favorite movie of all time.

[728] My favorite movie of all time is nine to five.

[729] My second favorite movie of all time, and my third favorite movie, you know, of all time.

[730] And then she had a third favorite.

[731] And I said, just, just don't, you don't have to say all that.

[732] One of my favorite.

[733] You don't have to do it.

[734] Just go up to Dustin Hoffman and just say you, you're my favorite movie of old time Tootsie, that's all.

[735] And she looked at me and she said, but it's not my favorite movie going.

[736] And so I said, David, help me here.

[737] And David was like, ma, ma, just say, you literally love Tootsie.

[738] That's all you have to do.

[739] And she was like, all right, all right.

[740] So she goes around and there's all this music playing because it's a bat mitzvah.

[741] And I see her walk around and she goes up to Dustin Hoffman.

[742] And then she starts talking.

[743] And then she holds up three fingers.

[744] And then she does one.

[745] And I see her mouthing in and it's not Tootsie.

[746] And I see Dustin Hoffman listening.

[747] And he doesn't even know it's David Spade's mom.

[748] He just knows it's this older woman, yeah.

[749] Now, it's in my favorite movie.

[750] You're not in it.

[751] Oh, hold on.

[752] You're in the list, but not at number one.

[753] And I was just dying.

[754] That's good.

[755] Yeah, my mother does the, if I, someone famous, is it the room my mother, I'll introduce my mother.

[756] I go, you're wonderful, you're wonderful, congratulations.

[757] And thank you so much.

[758] You were wonderful.

[759] We love you so much.

[760] And then the walk away, and then like, who is that?

[761] This is years ago doing late night, but I had an impromptu party at my house, and Jim Carrey just happened to be.

[762] And this was like he had like five number one movies in a row.

[763] And everywhere he went, they had to shut streets down.

[764] It was craziness.

[765] And he came by my small.

[766] late night party in my apartment and my mom was there and at one point i see my mom over in the corner talking to jim and you know you just got that feeling like uh okay well yeah i hope this goes all right and then sooner or later my mom drifts back to me and i go mom what were you what were you talking to that guy about and she went well he um he wants to you know he's in comedy and he's an actor and i told him listen to me my son a lot of people gave him a lot of guff when he started out, but he kept pushing, and he kept pushing, and he made it.

[767] And if you stick with it, you too are going to make it.

[768] And so I put my hand on my mom's shoulder, and I said, Mom, she was still working at the time at this law office in Boston.

[769] I said, Mom, you're going back to Boston tomorrow, and I want you to tell everybody on Monday, gather everyone at Ropes and Gray law firm and tell them that you met Jim Carrey and you told him to just stick with it.

[770] And she was saying, why, why?

[771] Why is that funny?

[772] Why would I do that?

[773] Who is he?

[774] Who is he?

[775] And I said, just do it.

[776] Just do it.

[777] So then she called me from work.

[778] Why?

[779] And she said, well, I didn't know.

[780] And you could hear people laughing in the background.

[781] My mother sat next to Dice Clay on a flight out.

[782] And she was just telling me, this nice boy, very nice.

[783] We talked to a whole flight and very sweet.

[784] And you should get to know him.

[785] His name is Dice.

[786] And he's very nice.

[787] He's from Brooklyn, and I said, You were with Dice Clay, Ma, he's a giant star.

[788] Yeah.

[789] Yeah, well, he's very well.

[790] He's handsome.

[791] Nice head of hair.

[792] He told me the loveliest little nursery rhyme.

[793] Hickory Dickery Duck.

[794] The mouse ran up to talk.

[795] He was always nice.

[796] Every time I'd see Dice after, say hi to your mother.

[797] Oh, yeah.

[798] He was the shit.

[799] And then what about fucking Dennis when he would go, What the fuck, but Dennis, what is it, Jimmy Crack, Jimmy Crack Corn, and I don't fucking care.

[800] And the whole place we're going, not something like that.

[801] Yeah, did you get along with Dennis back on the show?

[802] He got me on the show.

[803] Oh, he was the one that got on the show.

[804] He called Lauren about me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[805] That's nice.

[806] He was great to me, and he used to take us out before SNL.

[807] We were just goofy comedian Schneider and Spade.

[808] He used to take us out golfing all the time at Witsitt, you know, in the valley and we played with him and got to know him and then he watched our acts and told us what was good and bad and that kind of shit and then he's like Sandman, he used to call me Sandman he used to call, I think he was like the first guy like my friends when I was a kid used to call me Saman and then nobody did that and I think he used to go Sandman and he's like yeah you'd be good on the show Sandman and then I'd be on the show and I remember I wasn't doing great in the beginning No, it's a hard place to get it going, but I was definitely Schneider hit big and some of the youth who was starting to get there.

[809] And I was not getting there.

[810] And then I remember in the hallway, he goes, I thought this would have caught on by now.

[811] He did that.

[812] I go, oh, no, not yet, not yet.

[813] It'll get there.

[814] But you knew.

[815] You were always pretty confident that you'd get there, right?

[816] Yeah, yeah, yeah, I would guess.

[817] So, yes, I kept going.

[818] But, yeah, he was great to me. He did scare the shit out of you.

[819] You didn't exactly almost like.

[820] Like the McCartney thing, like you just get a little fucking out of your head and nervous, and you're going to say the wrong thing to Dennis and guys who were just better than us back in the day.

[821] Who else had that?

[822] Phil, Phil, Phil, was warm.

[823] Phil was warm.

[824] Phil Hartman, but you'd always thought you didn't know the real Phil.

[825] That's right.

[826] Phil would walk in and see us and go, keep them flying, boys.

[827] Keep him flying.

[828] And then you'd go in and you'd tell him about a sketch and go, and he'd say, what's up fellas all right let's take a look got it you know and he was a machine he could do it but it's not like i ever had a heart to heart with no no no never shot the shit for for real but he was he was sweet he was sweet lovitz love it's was pretty goddamn nice to us back in the day he was funny because john levitt just wore his heart on his sleeve he was who he was and he was kind of um it was all there like he had no armor you know right so many comedians have armor and And John Lovitz would say, hey, I've got an idea.

[829] He always would pitch you these ideas because he was looking for a new catchphrase after the liar.

[830] He was always one of a new catchphrase.

[831] And he'd be like, yeah, I got an idea for a character.

[832] He says, get to know me. And you'd go, yeah, I don't really know.

[833] I'd be like, oh, I think it'd be really good.

[834] Come on.

[835] He'd get sort of like a kid.

[836] But he was very sweet, really nice guy, very sweet guy.

[837] but just felt like kind of a like his inner child was exposed but those guys were bigger than because we were younger than them that we always were a little nervous around yeah of course always that's just how it works whoever i'm in awe of people people that were on tv when i was a kid are just always i mean they're all dying now but if they were on television or in the movies when i was a kid i'm in complete awe of them well you owe something to them what i've found is that people can be absolute icons, make the biggest stars in the world.

[838] But if they came along five years ago, I'm very happy to meet them, but they don't have that effect on it.

[839] I'm not like, oh, my, oh, my God.

[840] Taylor Swift, because what she means to my kids, yeah, I get a little fucking jumpy.

[841] I'm this guy, because I don't want to blow it from my kids.

[842] So I'm a little like, Taylor, Taylor, you know, like I talk a little too loud or something.

[843] I don't act as cool as I can.

[844] you yell her name outside her house.

[845] Talk to me. Speak to me. Yeah.

[846] She's, I mean, she's this whole other level now.

[847] That is, people talk about the Beatles of it all and her just, just, man, I mean, fuck, so many smash hits.

[848] There's not a word my kids don't know.

[849] Yeah, my daughter, it means so much.

[850] I know him too, by the way, but they know, they know them inside and out.

[851] But yeah, I, it's just, remember the Beatles, every fucking song on the record you knew, that's Taylor Swift, too.

[852] You just, there's not a song you skip.

[853] You go, that one's pretty damn cool.

[854] Very few people have hit that level of fame.

[855] That long?

[856] Me. Oh, boy.

[857] Taylor.

[858] You've been outside with me, and people just lose, you know, they're like shouting out different sketches and bits.

[859] No, they've just like, do I know you from something?

[860] How do I know you?

[861] Big man. What's up, big man?

[862] Taylor has called me and said, like, how long will this go on?

[863] How do I handle it?

[864] And I go, look, you just got to be chill, you know?

[865] You got to just, you got to breathe into it.

[866] That's what I always say.

[867] Never happened.

[868] You know, it's very cool is I think you have had an extremely, continue to have an extremely unique career.

[869] I'm just, it's amazing, the vantage point I've had.

[870] you know, meeting you, that first day you showed up at S &L, and then just seeing this body of work that you've made, which is so varied that when people come up to you and they're touched by something you did or they love something you did, there's a lot of people who they know what's coming.

[871] Yeah, you like that one movie.

[872] But for you, you never know what it's going to be, because you've done so much.

[873] You've done so much stuff that's affected people in different ways.

[874] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[875] I mean, shit, the latest that leaves.

[876] movie leo is my daughter's obsessed oh yeah she loves that and it's such a good movie because i watched it with her three times that's fantastic yeah it's like a joke bag feels great philbert smygel crushed it but also i'm so happy i also love too that the the voice you did in leo of bernie we all know it's you know i my former representation your former is bernie bilstein yeah had this uh just unbelievable voice i mean first of all he looked you used to do him you and smy used to do him talking about uh uh your your adam west yeah yeah yeah he's uh but and you do sandy better than everybody but but but this was this great Bernie brilstein was this iconic figure and they don't make them like that anymore right and he wore all black he was very a heavy guy with a big white beard and he looked like like a jewish Santa Claus with a wearing and he'd wear dark and he'd say it's slimming well apparently it's not but he was a Everyone did a Bernie Brillstein impression, but you took that voice and then changed it.

[877] Yeah.

[878] And if you had told me this massive hit movie, Leo is coming out, and kids are going to love it, and it's going to be an instant classic, and the main character is the voice of Bernie Brillstein.

[879] That was...

[880] I'd have said.

[881] Do you remember that you guys, I think Smigel used to do Bernie if he was a cannibal?

[882] No. He used to go, you know, be giving advice and be like, you have to tell paramount fiction, you see, whatever you'd be saying, you're like, let me, you have a wonderful hand.

[883] Let me feel that hand for a second.

[884] It's such a specific, I love a really specific impression.

[885] Yeah, that was good.

[886] The kids coming up, Talking about that, fantastic feeling.

[887] And then you have this, I just watched it last night.

[888] You got the Spaceman.

[889] Space Man, which is, I really loved it.

[890] And it's quite different from other work that you've done.

[891] And it's got a great premise.

[892] I don't know how much I want to say to give anything away, but it's someone who's about as far away from Earth as you can get.

[893] Right.

[894] Who gets some upsetting news and feels like something in his relationship with his wife has gone wrong.

[895] And you're literally on the other side of Jupiter.

[896] Yes, yes.

[897] And then there's this element that comes into the movie that is really fantastic and you don't expect it.

[898] And I thought it was a beautiful movie.

[899] That's cool.

[900] It really did.

[901] Great, great.

[902] Yes.

[903] Well, it's this director, great guy, Johann Rank, just a great person.

[904] You would love him.

[905] He's from Sweden.

[906] He directed Bowie's last video.

[907] He's like really cool best.

[908] I love that video, by the way.

[909] I love that video.

[910] It looks cool as it.

[911] Bowie.

[912] He has great stories about Bowie.

[913] And he did Madonna and just, just cool stuff.

[914] And he was a singer himself.

[915] And he gave me the script and it said, and it was very different.

[916] And this guy's visually makes cool shit and let me be in it.

[917] And I love it.

[918] I like it.

[919] You're in this enviable position where you can do whatever you want.

[920] You can decide, you know, I'm going to do an uncut gems and work with the safeties.

[921] before that was even a thing, you know?

[922] And I think you can make Leo, then you can come out with Spaceman, which has very much got like a 2001 vibe and has a lot of different darker textures in it.

[923] I think, okay, this is this amazing place to be in right now where you can be as goofy as you want.

[924] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[925] And then...

[926] I did get lucky there.

[927] I don't know how that...

[928] I don't know what I'm supposed to do half the time.

[929] I'm like, shit, I got to make a movie.

[930] I want to make a movie.

[931] I love making them.

[932] What the fuck am I supposed to do?

[933] I just want, I like doing comedies.

[934] I like when there's an idea that we're freaking out over and we can't wait to get it, get it going and try to write it and all that shit.

[935] But it's a weird age, right?

[936] Now it's a new, new age.

[937] I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to really talk about what I'm supposed to be, what kind of movie I'm supposed to make right now.

[938] But it all eventually gets there.

[939] Well, I think my take on you is I think your secret weapon, and I like to think I've been this way too, but you've mostly been interested in pleasing yourself, and you decided a long time ago, I'm not going to read anything about me, and I'm not going to try and make certain people happy.

[940] I'm just going to do what I think is right and what I want to do.

[941] And it's kind of a master class in what more people should do, you know, because I'm think it has i i think that's a great way to go through especially a comedy career but just make yourself happy and and if you stick to that uh chances are the worst thing it happens is you've made yourself happy and in your case you've made everybody else happy too so that's a beautiful thing that it does feel yes there are times in in your career you go i guess uh you do something that you weren't a hundred percent sure of and then you just go i can't ever fucking do that again That didn't feel good, like doing whatever makes me feel like, at least I'd like it, like you were saying.

[942] And it's just, yeah, lucky, lucky.

[943] Me and you are very lucky.

[944] I bet how long you've been getting to do this and kill.

[945] And this new building you got is the greatest, man. I love it.

[946] Yeah.

[947] I always wanted a little tree house.

[948] That's what this feels like is like a very nice tree house.

[949] Yes.

[950] And it's packed with people who look happy as high.

[951] hell yeah they don't do anything that's all right super happy the checks checks keep coming and uh every picture on the wall is of me yeah that feels yeah uh you know i i i don't want to keep you any longer but uh i'm just honored to be your friend me too man i love you always happy so happy for you and and uh i'm doing a stand -up special and i drop your name in it in a good way Oh, in a good way.

[952] You have nothing to fear.

[953] I hate when somebody says that I heard your name at a comedy club.

[954] I'm like, oh, geez, that could go the other way.

[955] But, no, this is a good way.

[956] Friend of Epstein.

[957] Oh, no. Well, listen, I love you and I'm so happy for you and proud of you for you just, I don't know, you're following your own North Star and whatever.

[958] you're doing is perfection.

[959] Thank you, buddy.

[960] Thank you.

[961] I love you, Conan.

[962] I love you too.

[963] I love you too, Gorley.

[964] What?

[965] Yeah.

[966] Oh, wait.

[967] I'm sorry, different Gorley.

[968] Yeah.

[969] Sorry.

[970] That feels better.

[971] I didn't have my glasses on.

[972] Okay.

[973] Thank you.

[974] That was close.

[975] Thanks.

[976] I have a tale to tell, and it's an embarrassing tale, and I think these are the ones you guys like.

[977] These are our favorite.

[978] This is a true story.

[979] I just flew in from Boston.

[980] I was seeing my family there.

[981] You know, I check out my family.

[982] I check out my family.

[983] Hey, you guys are looking.

[984] Hey, mom, dad.

[985] You guys are looking good.

[986] Sexy nuclear unit.

[987] No, I was checking in on my family and seeing my, my, my fam, my Sibs.

[988] And then I go to Logan Airport.

[989] And I'm going to take the flight from Boston to Los Angeles.

[990] You know, you wait in the line to hand your stuff over, put it on the conveyor belt.

[991] So you're a little distracted, but I'm, you know, taking my belt off.

[992] They always say you can leave you.

[993] your belt on, but it always sets it off.

[994] So now I take everything off.

[995] I'm pretty much naked when I go through that thing.

[996] But I'm taking everything off.

[997] I'm putting it down into this bucket.

[998] And this very nice kid who's wearing a white sweater and he has glasses and dark hair.

[999] And he says, oh, hi, Conan.

[1000] And he could not have been nicer.

[1001] He said, your TV show meant a lot to me. I've listened to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend all the time.

[1002] He is Armenian.

[1003] He introduces himself.

[1004] And I think he said his name was Armand.

[1005] He could not have been nicer.

[1006] And he was talking about beautifully talking about what the work is meant to him and all that.

[1007] And I just had like the nicest conversation with him.

[1008] And he was kind of holding his phone, but we were just about to go through, you know, when you go through the whatever, the x -ray machine, the magnetic thing.

[1009] And so he had to put his phone in.

[1010] And I was kind of thinking, I think he wanted to do a photo, but he didn't.

[1011] Okay.

[1012] Hold on.

[1013] But anyway, we go through and I'm thinking, that guy was so nice.

[1014] Then they want to look again at one of my bags.

[1015] I think it's, you know, how many men travel with nine bottles of hairspray?

[1016] So it was suspicious.

[1017] And it's Aquinette.

[1018] It's for old women.

[1019] They don't even make it anymore.

[1020] It was like a two -day trip.

[1021] It was a day and a half trip.

[1022] And it's not all for my hair.

[1023] But anyway, no, I'm saying I inhale that stuff.

[1024] It's an incredible high.

[1025] Shout out to Aquanette.

[1026] But anyway, I get through and I get it called Semmelet.

[1027] my stuff and I stand up and standing there white sweater, glasses, dark hair, this guy, and I walk up to him and say, hey, let's do a selfie.

[1028] And he said, um, okay.

[1029] And he starts to fish around in his luggage for his camera.

[1030] And I'm thinking he was just holding his camera.

[1031] And he doesn't seem that interested.

[1032] What the fuck?

[1033] That's weird.

[1034] I thought I was being super nice because he said all those nice things, and he starts to pick it up, and he goes, okay, and I went and look at him and I go, wait a minute.

[1035] Oh, no. It's not that guy.

[1036] I just, I swear to God, I just, so this guy, who's just a guy who's wearing, and I look over and I see the other guy.

[1037] Listen to me. I see, listen to me. I'm not kidding.

[1038] I swear to God, this is all exactly happened.

[1039] I see the other guy.

[1040] He's wearing a sweater that is practically identical.

[1041] They look very similar, and he's got glasses, and I see him standing over at a post, holding his cell phone.

[1042] And he's thinking, why wouldn't he take a selfie with me?

[1043] And I'm looking at this guy, and he goes, uh, okay.

[1044] And he takes a selfie of us.

[1045] And so look at it from his perspective.

[1046] He's sitting there waiting for another relative, a girlfriend or whatever, to come through.

[1047] And Conan O 'Brien walks up and goes, hey, let's do a selfie.

[1048] He must have thought you were.

[1049] were insane.

[1050] He thought I was fucking insane.

[1051] And so then I started to go, no, no, no. I thought, I thought you were him.

[1052] And I'm pointing to the other guy.

[1053] And the other guy isn't even looking at me at that point.

[1054] He's looking at his phone because he just got a text.

[1055] And there's no good explanation for why you would walk up to a stranger and say, hey, buddy, let's get a selfie.

[1056] You're going to want this.

[1057] You're going to want this.

[1058] So somewhere out there, there's a guy who isn't a fan, doesn't care, maybe actively.

[1059] dislikes what I do I came up to him and made him take a selfie and I can I just and so then I'm walk up to the other guy and I said I'm sorry I thought he was you and the other guy I'm just you know there's no now he just thinks oh so all non -celebrities look alike to you I know I think what happened is there was no first guy and you just got a bad reaction from someone you wanted to take a selfie with and this first guys you're like Fight Club Tyler Dirky guy that gets you to do selfie.

[1060] Nice.

[1061] Nice try, yes, that I see phantom people.

[1062] No, I loved.

[1063] It was so perfect.

[1064] And I don't have photos, but if I could show you a photo of what both of them were wearing, you would laugh because it's, it's as if a higher being, God said, this is going to be really funny.

[1065] I'm sending down two people who look somewhat alike and they're both in a and they're both wearing this very similar sweater and uh and like dark jeans so whatever that happened oh my god and i just keep thinking about this guy just like okay we're sarah i just got to wait for sarah to come through hey hey let's take a selfie what do you let's do it right now come on get the camera out like you're doing him a favor like hey buddy yeah and now i think i've chosen you hey guess what randomly every hundredth person gets to win the ultimate lottery You're getting a selfie with Conan O 'Brien.

[1066] I'm sorry, and you do what?

[1067] Come on.

[1068] Late night show, 90s, 2000s, NBC, TBS.

[1069] Come on, come on, podcast.

[1070] Come on.

[1071] Come on, get the camera.

[1072] Let's do that.

[1073] Incredible.

[1074] That's just happened.

[1075] That happened 36 hours ago.

[1076] And the minute it happened, I said, these exist.

[1077] This is why I have the podcast, because this is fresh.

[1078] This just happened.

[1079] Hey, buddy, let's do it.

[1080] Get the camera out Let's get that selfie I love that you said these two selfies still exist but that guy probably just deleted He never took it He was like yeah Oh yeah There you go And you know what he said He said click He said click And I was like I didn't think he pushed the phone And then I saw him walk up to a trash can And throw his iPhone away And it was the new one It's the new one with the funny new cord.

[1081] He threw it away.

[1082] Click.

[1083] Are you happy now?

[1084] You irrelevant, funk?

[1085] Oh, good.

[1086] A trash can.

[1087] Funk.

[1088] Incredible.

[1089] All right.

[1090] Conan O 'Brien, a fool once again.

[1091] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Goreley.

[1092] me, Matt Goorley.

[1093] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Nick Leow, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.

[1094] Theme song by the White Stripes.

[1095] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1096] Take it away, Jimmy.

[1097] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1098] Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns.

[1099] Additional production support by Mars Melnick.

[1100] Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Battista, and Britt Con. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode.

[1101] Got a question for Conan?

[1102] Call the Team Coco hotline at 669 -587 2847 and leave a message.

[1103] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1104] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.